#i imagine after all the loops they went through they became. just as. or even worsely touch starved

[lanternlightss]

“[The things I let you do, stardust, I swear.]” <- im so normal over this line. so normal. you wouldn’t believe how normal i am over this

[lumosinlove]

On The Line

Part Five

Once again, Logan was on his back with his chest heaving, only this time it was on the hard court, not the clay. After a moment and a brief shadow falling over him, someone lay beside him with a huff. Logan peeked out eye open to see the way the sweat tracked down Leo’s temples.

“Well, damn.” Leo asked. “Lo?”

Logan smiled. He’d picked that up from Finn. Now the nickname came at him from both of them, morning and night. Soft and loud. Finn, hollering from the side of the court. Pick your feet up. Lo! Pick your fucking feet up! Logan wondered if Leo could imagine, or wanted to know, how it sounded when Finn said it in bed. Little breaths of his name every time their bodies drew together. Sometimes Logan lived for those sounds. He wondered what it would sound like as Le instead, which Finn had taken to saying.

“We’re about to be yelled at,” Logan said.

Leo snorted. “Oh yeah. Three, two…”

“Hey, hey,” Finn shouted from court-side. “Did I say you could stop?”

They’d been doing sprints. Logan knew it was good for his game overall, but the sun was hot today, and Leo’s long legs were hard not to look at.

“He thinks he’s so tough,” Leo whispered.

Logan laughed lightly and glanced at Finn, who was walking towards them.

They had to leave in just under a week for New York. The draw had worked out so that, if all went to plan, he and Leo could meet on the court. Logan had been trying to reconcile training with Leo, knowing he’d have to beat Leo, and trying to find the right moment to kiss Leo.

He felt a light kick to his foot. “Hey. Hey, hey.”

“Come here,” Logan sighed, he held out his arms. “It feels good on our backs, the ground’s warm, allez.”

“You want a hug when Leo’s gonna whip your ass in a couple weeks?”

“Ooh,” Leo said. “He’s not wrong.”

Logan groaned at sat up, turning to glare at Leo, who just smiled that sunny smile at him and held up Logan’s hat which had fallen off. Logan snatched it and reached out a hand to Finn.

“Help.”

Finn hesitated and Logan shook his head. “I wouldn’t pull you down with your knee, Rouge.”

Finn’s palm fit into his and helped him up. Logan completed the motion with a push up onto his toes for a soft kiss to the corner of Finn’s mouth.

“Lunch,” Finn said more softly. He curved his fingers through Logan’s hair, feeling how hot it was from the sun. Then, he reached out a hand to Leo. Logan watched their palms clasp as Leo got back to his feet. Finn gave Leo three hard taps to his chest. “You might be able to beat him now. Just you wait, Sunshine.”

“Oh, I’m waiting,” Leo laughed. He mimed tapping a watch on his wrist and began walking towards the house. He turned, arms outstretched. “This place is like a zombie bunker. You could so easily never leave!” He grinned once more, and jogged towards the pool. 

Finn looked at Logan with raised eyebrows. He leaned close as they collected the water bottles.

“Lo,” was all he had to say, slightly pleading, for Logan to nod.

Logan hushed him. Finn’s hair was sweaty when he pushed his fingers through it, ending with his arms looped around his neck. He kissed him hard, and when he felt Finn’s matching grin he knew he’d read his mind. The quick nip to his lip meant he wanted Leo just as bad, and he was also running out of patience.

“We could never leave,” Logan said.

Finn smiled. “It does feel like that.”

It had been difficult to think about the outside world, when Logan had first brought Finn here. Finn had been an anchor, a magnetic field—at Logan’s home the pull of him became ten times stronger. Logan had wanted nothing other than Finn in his arms. Finn between his legs, Finn pressed up against his back. In his memory, those first few days were a swirl of Finn’s laugh and smile, his hands and his body. Evening, easy matches. Hikes up to lookouts. Morning coffee and pastries. Long drives and finding small diners to stop at. Finn’s skin against his mouth, Finn’s needy breaths and low moans. Sweaty sheets and cool showers. Whispers in the kitchen at midnight making toast and box mac and cheese, Finn standing between his legs with Logan on the counter, laughing in the moonlight. It was pleasure so blinding that Logan’s hearing turned cottony and he seemed to regain awareness—woken up?— later with Finn overcome too, his entire weight heavy on Logan’s body, and still inside him. Logan hadn’t known it was possible to feel so close to someone. Curled up and sugary.

Finn was remembering, too. His laugh was soft and whispery as he dipped his kisses down to Logan’s neck. Logan closed his eyes. The sex had been quiet and mindful of Leo lately. Quick, too. Logan liked it drawn out. He wanted to not have to be mindful. He wanted Leo to know exactly what was going on because he was there, too.

Logan knotted his fingers into Finn’s t-shirt and needed so badly he could taste it.

Finn hissed a breath in through his teeth and wrapped an arm around Logan’s shoulders, directing him towards the house. He pressed a kiss to his temple.

“You make me crazy,” Finn said in a low voice.

Logan grinned and locked his arms around Finn’s waist to squeeze.

They ate by the pool, then decided to spend the heat of the day in the weights room and save the rest of their court training for the evening when it had cooled down. Leo was gorgeous shadows and lines in the relief of the bright lights.

Their game would have gone far too long if Finn hadn’t called it. It would have turned into something that tired both of them out rather than helped them. Logan tried to think past all of this and into the future where Leo would be his opponent once again. They were a bit famous for it now, their maddeningly even match ups. Their hours and hours of tennis. Even the crowds get tired, commentators liked to say. Imagine how those two feel!

Except Logan didn’t get tired. Not really. Physically, sure, but in his heart of hearts, he got more riled, more competitive, with every point. The longer it lasted the more he wanted to win. The more glances he stole at Leo, the higher his adrenaline peaked.

Logan rolled his shoulders as he finished up in the master bathroom. He felt good. Pleasantly sore in his shoulders and thighs. Cool in the light AC coming in from the bedroom. He flicked the light off and found Finn with his reading light on and his glasses slid a little down his nose so he could read lying down.

Logan tugged off his t-shirt and threw back his side of the covers. Finn made a pleased sound. He took off his glasses and set his book down.

“Hi,” Finn said as he flicked his light off. “Hi, yay, hi.”

No sooner had Logan leaned back into the pillows than was Finn rolling over and throwing his arm over Logan’s chest. He pushed his nose into Logan’s neck and Logan felt everything in him release. Finn’s quick bursts of kisses to his jaw, his hand running up and down Logan’s abs and chest.

“Hi,” Logan tucked his fingers into Finn’s hair. He reached out to tap Finn’s hip until Finn hooked his leg over his hips, too.

They were quiet for a moment. Just breathing. Logan looked down as Finn’s closed his eyes. He could feel him thinking, about to start the spill of all of his thoughts. He traced light fingertips over the scar on his knee. It was as familiar to him as anything now. White with age and raised under Logan’s touch.

“I don’t know why,” Finn mumbled. “But that always feels really nice.”

“I know,” Logan said.

Finn’s laugh felt rumbly against his chest and Logan squeezed him tighter.

“You know this is my favorite part of every day,” Logan whispered. “Right?”

Finn picked his head up to look at him. “This is?”

Logan brushed a thumb over the indent his glasses left on his nose sometimes. “Yeah.”

“I didn’t know that.” Finn pushed himself up on an elbow, eyes delighted. He leaned forward for a soft kiss, nudging their noses together.

“I love your nose,” Logan whispered. Freckles. Pointed. Glasses-imprinted. “Regarde moi.”

“I am looking at you.”

“Ah,” Logan said. “I knew you understand me more than you say.”

Finn just leaned forward and bit gently at Logan’s jaw. “I am always looking at you.”

“This is my favorite thing in the world,” Logan said. “This. And—we want Leo.”

“Mhm,” Finn grinned into another kiss. “When did we get so greedy?”

Logan laughed but put a hand to his face to keep him where he could see him. “Finn.”

“I’m listening,” Finn said. “I’m getting hard, but I’m also listening.”

Logan pressed a hand over Finn’s mouth and Finn kissed his palm, bit at his pointer finger. Finn’s brown eyes looked at him over his own tan knuckles, scraped up from a brush with the hard court.

“Wanting Leo isn’t because you’re not enough for me,” Logan said. Finn blinked in surprise, lips parting. “You’re everything to me.”

“Oh,” Finn said softly. He pushed further up on his elbow. “Baby…I know that.”

“I know you probably would,” Logan said. “But I wanted to tell you anyway.”

“You too,” Finn said. “You know that. When I first met you, I would have never thought I’d get to…” He looked down at their bodies, intertwined.

Logan nodded. “Ouais. But…you tell me these sorts of things all the time. I just…” He shrugged, smiling a little. “This is the best part of my day.” He closed his eyes when Finn pushed their foreheads together. “Love you.”

“Love you,” Finn whispered, and his kisses turned to waterfalls down Logan’s cheeks and neck. “Love you, love you…”

Logan closed his eyes and basked in it.

“Do you think,” Finn whispered. “This could be Leo’s favorite, too? Some day. Soon.”

“What, hearing you talk and talk and talk…”

“Duh.”

Logan smiled up at the dark ceiling and thought of Leo, just in the other room. “Yeah. I think it could be.”

~

“Out!”

“Non!” Logan pointed his racket at Finn. “That wasn’t fucking out.”

Finn pointed his water bottle back at him. “You gonna lose it at me? Cause if you’re gonna lose it at me, you’re going to have to give me twenty thousand dollars.”

Leo laughed from the other side of the net, his hands up in victory. He had won the mini-game they usually ended practice with. It was about 50/50 between them. Infuriatingly so.

Logan squinted at the betraying line, furious that they weren’t on the clay court and he couldn’t see the ball’s mark as proof he was right. At least, he was pretty sure he was right.

“Does this mean dinner time?” Leo asked. Logan looked over and watched him give his racket a quick spin against his palm. “Cause I love winning and all, but mostly I’m fucking starving.”

Logan just tossed his racket towards Finn, who caught it deftly with a grin.

“Yeah, Le, it’s dinner time,” Finn said. “Where should we take him, Lo?”

“Actually,” Leo spoke up before Logan could reply. He straddled his way over the net with ease. Logan and Finn glanced at each other. Those long legs.

“There’s something I want to make you.” Leo reached behind his head and undid the white cotton band keeping the sweat from his eyes. “Something new. I got the fish from that cute market this morning. Thought we could be outside with the grill, since it’s a nice night.” He raised his brows at Finn. “It’d go nice with margaritas.”

“Well, damn,” Finn said. “You take home to a five-star hotel.”

Leo reached out and flicked the brim of his baseball cap up. “Thanks, Red.”

Logan had to go pick up all their spare balls then, just to hide the look on his face. Not that he really wanted to hide the look on his face. Red. Did Leo know Logan called—of course he did.

“Wow, look at that,” Finn said from the sidelines. “Superstars doing the dirty work.”

Logan looked to see Leo cleaning up his side of the court and laughed. “We’ve been doing your dirty work all afternoon, Rouge.”

Finn narrowed his eyes at him, knowing exactly what he was doing. He waved Logan off with a hand, grinning, and began the trek back up to the house.

Leo met him at the benches near the net. With his own bottle empty, Leo grabbed Logan’s for a long pull. Logan put his back against the chain fence and waited his turn. The neck of Leo’s t-shirt was a damp gray from his sweat.

“Good game,” Logan said, watching a bead join in darkening the color.

Leo held out the bottle for him. “It’s getting easier for you to say that to me.”

“Shut up.”

Leo grinned, hooking his fingers in the chain fence so he could lean over Logan. “When we first met, you couldn’t even tell me your name.”

“You knew my name.” Logan looked up at him, back against the bumpy metal. “You threw food at me.”

Leo gave the fence a playful shake, jostling Logan, then pulled back, bashful. “I got nervous.”

“Ouais, I know.”

Leo just laughed as he turned away. He shouldered both his own and Logan’s bags, and they followed Finn.

Leo fit. Seamlessly. Logan hoped he knew just how seamlessly. Logan looked forward to things he never had before. He looked forward to grocery shopping if Leo was there. He looked forward to runs because there was Leo beside him now with his stupidly long legs and telling him to keep up.

He didn’t like to think about what existed outside of their bubble. He didn’t like it when Leo retreated somewhere to take a phone call from his team.

Just then, it was outside to pace the pool with an AirPod in his ear. Finn was sitting on the sofa with a book and Logan walked around him, tracking Leo’s movements out the window. He did little jumps every once in a while like he was waiting for a serve. He mimed backhands.

“He looks upset.”

Finn turned a page. “You know windows work both ways, right?”

Leo wasn’t looking at him though. He was staring into the dark blue pool water, eyes vacant. He nodded once in a while, argued some, nodded again.

“Finn, what are they saying that makes him look like that?” Logan mumbled.

“That’s not how windows work,” Finn said, and Logan hit him lightly on the back of the head. “Lo, they’re probably talking strategy, business, whatever, it’s not exactly fun. Lucky you, I know you so well I can think like you. Leo’s team might do stuff he’s not exactly happy with.”

“His coach never smiles. Never celebrates.”

“I know.”

“I don’t like it when they tell him what to eat when we take him out to dinner.”

Finn sighed and closed his book. “I know, baby.” He reached out for Logan’s hand, guiding him to sit on the edge of the sofa beside him. “He’s happy here, though.”

Logan jumped, eyes wide. He put both hands on Finn’s chest. “You should take him.”

Finn raised his eyebrows. “Right. ‘Hi Leo, we would like you to be our boyfriend, also may I work for you?’”

“It worked for us.”

“Yeah…We were naked and in love already, were we not?”

“So?”

Finn laughed, bringing Logan’s knuckles to his mouth. “Little bit different, but whatever you want.”

“I—” Logan looked up when the patio door slid open.

Leo stepped through, snapping his AirPod case closed. He looked far more tight-shouldered than he’d been before.

“Hey,” Finn said, tilting his head back to see him. “What’s up?”

Leo sighed and came to sit on the back of the sofa. “Nothing really. Oh, is it okay that I’m sitting on this, sorry—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.” Finn took his reading glasses off. “Everything okay?”

Leo thought for a moment, wavering his head back and forth. “They think I’ve been here for too long.” He’d looked at Logan. “Think I’m giving up all my advantages on you.”

Logan knew he’d worried about that, but it just felt plain stupid now.

“I’m not going to suddenly be able to read your mind,” Logan said. “Every shot is different.”

“That’s basically what I said.” Leo rubbed his hands over his face. “And then they were just kind of like, why are you still there anyway, like—haven’t you overstayed your—”

“No,” Finn said firmly. He reached up and put a hand on Leo’s knee. “No, you haven’t. You know you haven’t.”

“I know, but they don’t. They don’t know you two, and they don’t think we’re training as hard as we are.” Leo looked down at Finn. “My Coach really doesn’t like that I’m—” Leo rolled his eyes, “under your thumb.”

“Oh for the love of—no.” Finn tossed his book onto the coffee table. “That’s not true, but Le, I also don’t want to make things bad for you. What can I do to help?”

“Ouais, me too,” Logan said. “I don’t like that he doesn’t trust you.” Because that’s what it was. Leo’s team seemed to think of him as a machine rather than a player. “It’s also—not like you’ve been here for months and months.”

Logan wouldn’t mind though, if he stayed that long. Or forever.

“If I called him?” Finn asked. “We could just sort out that I haven’t changed your training plan at all.”

Leo flashed him a small smile. “Yes, you have.”

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. How do you feel about how we’ve been training? That’s all that matters.”

Finn asked them these questions every day, but didn’t seem inclined to stop. Logan loved it. How’s that? That feel okay? Got one more rep in you?

Leo always looked so taken aback by Finn asking him what he wanted. Sure, Finn told them to sprint, to run a drill again, pushing them harder and farther, but there was the flip side of jogging over to them with water, breaks to jump in the pool, or how’s that ankle that was bothering you doing today?

“Finn…” Leo said now. He looked out the window, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’ve never felt better.”

“Good,” Finn said. “Well, that’s something your team should know.”

“If I tell them that, it will just piss them off.”

“It’s not about them,” Finn said. “Seriously, I’ll take that bullet for you. They can’t touch me. Want me to speak with them?”

“He’s really good at talking to people,” Logan added. “I’m horrible at it.”

Leo laughed. He had a hand pressed to one of his cheeks, blue eyes bright and glancing between them. “He can get pretty mean.”

“What’s the worst he can do? Hang up on me?” Finn shrugged. “Good for him.”

“Really?” Leo asked softly. “I…” He nodded, short and sweet. “Okay. Thank you. Seriously, thank you.”

Finn clapped his hands together and send Leo a smile. “I’ll go before dinner. Be right back. I have some other stuff to check on anyway.” He swung his legs down to the ground around Logan and kissed him on the cheek. As he walked around the back of the couch, he took a surprised Leo’s face in his hands and pressed a kiss to his cheek, too.

“Oh,” Leo said, laughing.

Finn grinned. “See you in a bit.”

Behind Leo’s back, Finn sent Logan a wink.

Leo let himself fall down onto the couch while Logan settled himself into the warm spot where Finn had been. 

“You found yourself a good one,” Leo said after a moment. “A really good one.”

“Ouais. I try to deserve him.”

Leo kicked at Logan’s shin in a way that was probably meant to be protesting but only tangled their legs together. “You do deserve him. You’re a good one, too.”

“So are you,” Logan said. A small, sharp hit of fear bloomed right in his chest. “Leo?”

Leo tilted his head. “Logan.”

“You’re not seeing anyone. Right?”

The question seemed to take Leo by surprise. He straightened up a bit. “Am I—no. No, I’m not. Why?”

Logan could feel his face getting hot. He looked down at where he and Leo’s socked toes were touching. That shouldn’t make his heart pound as hard as it did. “Just—If there was someone missing you, I would be—um. Sad.” Logan shifted, then realized Leo could probably feel it every time he moved and tried to hold still, wrapping his arms around his knees.

Leo stared at him. Slowly, his mouth pulled into a bashful smile. “Well…No one misses me. But sounds like maybe you…would?”

“We would.”

“Is that why you keep wiggling your toes at me?”

Logan’s laugh took him by surprise and he squeezed his eyes shut, head falling against the couch. When he looked again, Leo was smiling at him. He wiggled his socks and Logan did it right back.

While Finn disappeared to the office, they started on dinner. Finn would probably make a few dinner reservations for when they were in New York, too—Logan hoped for three people. They’d see Finn’s family and hopefully Logan would take his matches all the way and…maybe come back to the hotel at night with Finn and Leo both waiting for him? Or, if he was knocked out, he’d get to sit in the stands with Finn’s hand on his thigh and watch Leo take it all the way home.

“What are you thinking about so hard over there?”

Logan looked up from where he was supposed to be shucking corn for Leo. He had a paper grocery bag between his knees and some corn silk sticking to his calves. He pulled off another smooth green husk.

“Nothing,” Logan said. “Just always feels like a lot, thinking about traveling.”

Leo was wearing one of those blue shirts that matched his eyes perfectly and cutting up some fruit. “All we do is travel.”

“Je sais, but I like being home. I always did, mostly so I didn’t have to talk to anyone anymore or answer fucking questions about why I’m so angry all the time and why I don’t have a coach and why, why, why…”

“Amen,” Leo said, and Logan flicked a smile up at him.

“But it’s different now with Finn with me. He’s…” Logan pulled another husk. “All I did was play tennis and think about tennis. Now I think about…”

“What do you think about?”

Logan laughed, shaking his head. “ That it’s nice being at home. With someone. This has been nice. Right?”

“Lo.” Leo raised his eyebrows and went to take a bowl down from the cupboard. He seemed to know exactly where every little thing in this house was, as deftly as if it were his own. “You know it’s been nice. Really nice.”

Logan looked down, pleased. He messed with a healing blister on his finger from his racket, pressing his nail against the forming callus. Finn would smack his hand away if he saw him doing that—Leo just threw a blueberry at him.

It’s been perfect because you’re here. Logan drew in a slow breath. Maybe he shouldn’t do this without Finn here, but he’d die if Leo didn’t know. I would miss you so badly if you left—

Leo held the bowl out to him, now filled with various fruits. “Here.”

Logan paused, blinking. “What?”

“That’s to hold you over so you don’t steal all my chopping while I start on dinner.”

Logan just stared at it. Leo’s beautiful, tanned fingers. The perfect cubes of mango and watermelon. Bananas. Wedges of orange. There were even mint leaves sprinkled in from the garden.

“Hello?” Leo laughed, giving the bowl a small shake. “Here.”

Logan took the fruit bowl, but he set it down and slid off his counter stool. Leo watched him, confused, as he rounded the kitchen island. Logan pushed up as high as he could on his socked feet, took Leo’s shoulders in his hands to pull him down, and kissed him.

It felt a bit like Finn’s first kiss. A kitchen, not a locker room. Logan hadn’t been simmering with frustration only moments before, but his blood still cooled into an easy river. He’d surprised Leo, he could tell that much from the way he was holding his breath. The way, when Logan broke the kiss just enough to look up at him, his blue eyes were wide. The way Leo let his breath out in a rush and put his hands on Logan’s waist—two warm centers of gravity.

He pulled Logan flush against him in one motion. When Logan sucked in a breath, Leo angled his jaw and turned the kiss warm and needy. Logan knew his head was tilting back, pliant for it, but he couldn’t help it. It felt good. Better than good. Leo’s hands felt massive, and he smelled like the hot sun and rubber of the court.

“Wow,” Leo whispered in between one kiss and another. “After everything, this is what gets me a Logan kiss? Fruit bowl.” Another kiss, ducking down so far that Logan should be embarrassed, but he wasn’t. On the court, maybe he clocked other people’s height as a disadvantage for him. Here, it was just plain nice. Preferred. “Fucking fruit bowl beats everything.”

“Everything?” Logan breathed.

Leo smiled. “Don’t worry about it.”

Logan ended up perched on the counter with his ankles locked around Leo’s waist. It had probably been a couple minutes, but Logan swore the sun had lowered some in the sky. His lips felt kissed raw and he wanted more. He wanted to wake up with that nice redness on his jaw like he got from Finn’s scruff. Eventually Leo’s mouth began working just below his chin and Logan had to make a sound, broken low in his throat as it was as he blinked at the warm, dimming kitchen in a daze—and met familiar, toasty brown eyes.

How long Finn had been standing there, Logan didn’t know. He was leaning against the kitchen doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. His cheeks and ears were pink and his lips looked shiny from being bitten.

As Finn rubbed a thumb against his bottom lip, he looked back at Logan, even when Logan ducked to get at Leo’s neck. He scraped his teeth there, gently, softening it further with a kiss just the way Finn liked. Leo moaned softly and Finn rested his temple against the doorframe like it was too much. Logan never wanted him to look away. He wanted to press himself into Leo’s hips, kiss his salty skin, and keep Finn looking at him like that.

“I know you’re there,” Leo managed to say just before Logan kissed him again. His words turned Logan’s kiss harder, desperate. It felt like he was going to burst with how much he wanted this. How long had he wanted this, even without entirely realizing?

How long had Leo wanted this?

Finn?

“I know you know,” Finn said. His voice was unwavering. Logan didn’t know how he did it, but it sent Logan’s heart kicking, as did Leo’s soft laugh. For the first time in what felt like hours, Leo pulled back and looked down at Logan. Logan reached up, pushing his fingers through his blond hair. He wanted him back that close again, but paused. The sight of him. He looked like he did after a match that went his way. Adrenaline and sun and happiness.

“Sunburned,” Logan said.

Leo shook his head, smiling. “All you.” He turned towards Finn, and Logan rested his head on his shoulder to look, too. Finn looked like he was breathing fast. Logan could see him worrying the inside of his cheek. His brown eyes were dark, mostly pupil, and Logan felt hooked just like he always did when he discovered what got Finn. He likes this, he thought. He really likes this.

“Finn…” Leo swallowed. “Tell me I read all the signs right.”

“The signs?” Finn repeated. He walked forward towards them in strong strides. His fingers pushed gently through Logan’s dark hair, tilting his head back. “There’s your sign. Look at Lo.”

“I’ve been looking,” Leo replied. “Now, I’m looking at you.”

Finn laughed and ran a hand over his face. “What the fuck happened? I left you two alone for not even an hour.”

“Fruit bowl,” Logan said, not that that would explain anything to Finn. Honestly, he felt a little tipsy off of Leo’s kisses alone.

Contrarily, Finn’s lips parted in understanding. “I see.”

Logan scoffed. “See what?”

Finn’s hand was still in Logan’s hair, now at the base of his neck, where he squeezed with a smile. “You’re a pretty intense person to try and understand, but once one can crack your code…” His eyes slid to Leo. “Nice one.”

“I actually wasn’t even trying right then.”

“Trying?” Logan asked. “What do you mean you trying?” He gestured to Finn. “We’ve been trying.”

Finn and Leo exchanged another look in front of Logan. It was the easiest, most exasperated pair of smiles Logan had ever seen. Logan looked between them, trying to figure out what they were beginning to laugh about. Even without knowing, it began to bring a smile to his face.

“Quoi?” he asked, but they didn’t look away from each other. “Hey, what?”

Finn didn’t give him much more room to wonder. His left hand tightened in Logan’s hair, effectively stealing his breath, while his right slid behind Leo’s neck and pulled him in, still laughing. He fit their mouths together like he’d done it a thousand times.

Logan wasn’t sure he was really breathing, watching that. Watching the way Finn kissed. He knew how it felt, he knew how good it was, but seeing it was something else. Seeing it and not being jealous was something else.

He reached out and put his fingertips against Finn’s cheek, his jaw, feeling him kiss Leo, then let his hand fall to press over Leo’s chest. Finn’s palm pressed harder into his neck, and Leo’s hand found his hip again and yanked him right up against him, just as Logan had been, as they kissed. Logan tightened his legs around Leo and pushed his mouth against the cotton of his t-shirt while he watched.

Leo laughed a short, disbelieving breath, his lips parting as Finn’s became more insistent. Leo’s hand pressed into Logan’s thigh, supporting himself, but Logan wasn’t sure he knew just how high up his palm was as his fingers bunched up his shorts.

“Have you two kissed?” Logan heard himself say, because there was no way this could be the first. Had he and Leo looked that good, just now?

Finn took his time answering, Leo chasing his mouth—oh, did Logan ever know that feeling.

“We have now,” Finn finally said.

Leo pressed his hand over his eyes. “What the fuck.”

Finn nodded. “Yeah, yeah, it took us—”

“It took you long enough!” Leo burst out. “What the fuck, we’ve been flirting our fucking asses off for weeks. For a year. I thought I was just being stupid for a while, but not many married couples flirt back, you know.”

“We’re not married,” Logan said.

Leo huffed. “Well—not technically, maybe.”

Finn dropped Logan another wink, like he had in the living room.

“We flirt back,” Logan said. “But we’re—us. We weren’t sure you’d want…”

“Oh, weren’t we though?” Finn said. “Weren’t we pretty fucking sure?”

“Recently. But before, I didn’t think…”

“Go ahead,” Finn said, at the same time as Leo said softly, “What, Lo?”

Logan looked between them.

“I didn’t think it was allowed.” He reached for Finn’s hand on his neck and took it in his own. Married couple. He touched his ring finger. “I have so much already. I didn’t think I was allowed to want more, that’s…Is—Is…”

“Is this something you can have,” Leo said for him. “Or is it just something you want?”

Logan looked up at him, surprised. “I…”

“If it means anything, I’ve stayed up so many nights with that particular question. Especially recently. And I come to the same conclusion each time.” He tilted his head briefly to rest his temple against Finn’s. “If it wasn’t okay, why would it feel this much like a life that I could have?” He turned his head to look at Finn, jaw sharp, mouth soft. Finn’s eyes darted to each part and plane of his face and Leo swallowed before continuing. “It doesn’t feel like lust. Doesn’t feel like a crush. Believe me, I’ve had both for you two.”

Finn smiled softly, pushing his chin forward for a barely-there kiss.

“Feels like a life,” Finn whispered.

Leo nodded. He turned back to Logan.

“Does that help?” Leo asked, then he dropped his voice and took Logan’s face in his hands. “Did I get it right?”

Logan wanted to try what Finn had tried. He put his chin up and let Leo kiss him soft as paint strokes.

“I think,” Finn said, leaning into them. “You got it word for fucking word.”

Evening would turn to sunset would turn to dusk, and Logan needed this night to stay as long as it could. Leo let him down from the counter and held him tight against his body for a moment. There was something sharp in the point of Finn’s canines when he smiled at them, and when Leo pulled away to start on dinner, Finn’s hands found Logan’s hips and he pulled him backwards, back flush against Finn’s chest. He kissed Logan’s neck over and over and over.

“Game,” he said between each kiss. “Set,” he said, and Leo began to laugh, getting it. “Match.”

“You think you’re the winners here?” Leo looked them up and down and gestured to himself. “I won.”

“Mm, non,” Logan said. “It’s definitely us.”

Leo pulled back on his smile, turning to the pantry.

“Chop this for me, O’Hara,” Leo said. “I’m still cooking you dinner.”

Finn caught an onion Leo tossed against Logan’s chest.

“You want to…eat?” Logan asked.

Finn laughed. “Why, did you have some plans?”

Logan thought of those kisses. Leo’s hand on his thigh. “Ah…Non.”

With his free hand, Finn pushed two fingers into Logan’s jaw to turn his head for a real kiss.

“You sweetheart,” he whispered.

Logan reached up to flick his cheek. “I feel like I missed a large part of this game.”

“You didn’t miss any of it,” Leo said, pushing the silverware drawer closed with his hip. “You maybe were a little oblivious sometimes.”

Logan spluttered as Finn slapped his ass then stepped away to take a cutting board down and pull a knife from the block. “To what?”

“Mostly a whole lot of Leo-Finn eye contact,” Finn said, and sliced in. “Oh Jesus, I’m gonna cry. Thanks for the worst job.”

“Aw, I’m sorry. Come here.” He kissed him, quick. An every-day kiss. Finn pumped his fist in victory and Leo rolled his eyes.

“Eye contact?” Logan asked.

“Yes, Lo,” Finn said. “Once I was for sure you were on board—oh fuck, here it comes.” He pressed an elbow over his face. “Ow. Ow, ow, ow.”

Logan walked forward and pulled Finn’s arm away. His eyes were all teared up, turning the brown to syrup. “Once I was on board—”

“He basically gave me the green light with those brown eyes of his,” Leo said. “I mean, not so many words were spoken, but actually,” Leo pointed a fork at Finn. “You kissed my neck in the pool one day.”

“Yes…” Finn sniffed, eyes closed. “I lost some willpower for a second, sorry.”

“Well, no, don’t be sorry,” Leo said.

Logan reached up and wiped a tear from Finn’s cheek. The onion was beginning to sting his eyes, too and he squeezed one shut to look at Leo.

Leo laughed. “Oh my God, look at you two. Hopeless. Okay, here, one second.”

He disappeared through the doorway to who knew where.

“I think he knows this house better than me,” Logan said.

Finn blinked down at him, Logan sniffled and tried to look up at him, but eventually Finn laughed, gave up and closed his eyes against the burn. He pressed their foreheads together instead.

“Did that really just happen?” Finn whispered. “I love you. Way to go, Tremblay.”

“It was easier than I thought. I didn’t know he was so—wanted us, too? I was worried he didn’t. Or wouldn’t. Or not as badly as we…”

“Oblivious.”

Logan punched Finn in the arm. “I’m not.”

Finn pulled back and looked down at him. He wiped at Logan’s damp cheek.

“Look at you,” Finn said. “How could he not want you?”

Logan leaned forward onto his toes, palms flat on Finn’s chest. “What was that about me having codes?”

“Grumpy until Finn kisses you.” Leo strode back into the kitchen as he spoke. “Irritable until someone brings you food after a workout. Happiest when someone is touching you somehow—but you’d never admit it—and always, always, worried,” he stopped in front of Logan, “about the people you love.”

“That’s not a code,” Logan said.

“It is when you need to know what you’re looking for,” Leo said.

“Looking for? Looking for when?”

Finn tighten his arms around Logan’s waist. “When you’re hoping to make the legendary, tough-as-nails Logan Tremblay melt in your arms.”

“Been there,” Leo said.

“Done that,” Finn added.

They clasped hands like they did sometimes on the court and Leo held up three objects. “Candles. For the onions.”

“I have candles?” Logan mumbled. He couldn’t imagine where they had come from.

Before he could really blink, Finn had dimmed the lights and there were five candles set up around the kitchen, giving it a soft glow. Onions were sizzling soft and fragrant in a pan along with oil and mushrooms. Logan felt a little dizzy. Finn put his hands on Leo’s hips to step behind him and mimed forehands to him when he handed him objects like a zucchini to chop or a wooden spoon. Logan stayed on his counter stool, making his way through the fruit and leaning back into Leo’s chest when he came over to wrap his arms around him from behind.

They moved out to the patio and pool when it was time for the grill, leaving behind the pleasant, smoky smell of blown-out beeswax in favor of charring vegetables and fish. The sun had turned the world and its pool reflection orange and Finn put a glass of white wine in his hand. Logan’s mind turned slow, watching the way Finn slipped his arm around Leo’s waist. He wouldn’t stop touching Leo, and Logan wasn’t sure how, but it felt like he could feel every slip of Finn’s fingers over Leo’s back and shoulders. At one point, when there was nothing left to do, Leo turned quick and pinned Finn against the stones of the house to kiss him—they were the harder kisses of a late, hot night, and stood stark in the lingering sunlight they were bathed in now. Finn looked over at him while he was catching his breath, Leo having left him with a smile to go plate their dinner.

Wow, Finn mouthed at him, and Logan had to rest his cheek in his hand just to feel how hot it was.

The solar lanterns went on around them as they sky turned to purple and blue. Logan was hungry, a deeper sort of hungry. Their empty plates stacked on the table in front of them and Leo’s mile-to-go tanned legs were stretched out and crossed on the table. Logan maybe looked at them for too long, because when he looked up, Leo was watching him.

“One more code,” Leo said. “Quiet Logan.” Leo raised his eyebrows at Finn for answers.

“Furious or horny,” Finn said. “Occasionally both.”

“I’m not furious,” Logan said, just to be difficult.

Leo let his head rest back against the canvas cushion of the patio couch. “Oh, no?”

“Non.” Logan finished off the last sip of his wine and looked into the glass. “What did the other eye-contacts say?”

Finn’s arm stretched behind Leo along the back of the sofa, and Leo’s eyes flicked up to look at him.

“Lots of silent conversations, you and I,” Finn said. He curved his wrist to tussle with the golden ends of Leo’s hair.

“Hm.” Leo thought. “First it was Finn making eyes at me and me trying to be, like—is this in a gross cheating way or—but he’s Finn and you’re you and he’s obsessed with you so there was no way.” He pointed his glass towards Logan. “I mean, then you started making eyes. But I also kind of thought you just kind of…”

“Stare really hard at everyone he looks at,” Finn finished.

“Exactly.”

“What?” Logan cut in.

“In a cute way!” Leo said hurriedly. “It’s also really hot. I mean, not across the court—across the court it makes me want to strangle you.”

Logan couldn’t help it. He laughed. “I make you want to strangle me? You do the annoying shirt thing before every serve!”

“What annoying shirt thing?” Leo asked.

Finn laughed. “Lo, baby, that’s not so much annoying as it is…frustrating.”

Logan just stood up and picked up the hem of his shirt, pretending to wipe sweat up his face. “As if we need you to flash your stomach every two seconds.”

Leo looked delighted. “Oh, you don’t like that?”

“It’s not needed,” Logan said, crossing his arms and moving to stand in front of Leo. “It’s a distraction. I mean, who are you Sascha Zverev?”

Leo narrowed his eyes, obviously biting back a smile.

Finn had his knees spread, relaxed as he looked up at Logan, too. “Furious and horny.”

Without sitting up, Leo flatted his hand low against his stomach and pushed up the hem of his shirt, revealing a light sprinkling of blond hair and his tanned, toned stomach. “Now that you told me, I guess I’ll have to stop using it on the court. Unfair advantage and all that.”

Finn hummed and reached forward. He hooked a palm behind Logan’s closest thigh and pulled, sending Logan forward and straight into straddling Leo’s lap. Logan caught himself, hands on Leo’s bare skin. It had sent both of their breaths out of them in a rush. Leo was grinning, almost too widely, and panting through a light laugh. His hands curved over Logan’s lower back. Finn leaned back again and took a sip of his wine.

Leo was warm beneath him, and he didn’t seem to mind the weight so Logan let himself relax, sinking off of his heels and fully onto his lap. Leo squeezed his hips in reply.

“This is much better than eye-contact,” Leo said, but the last syllables were quiet and jumpy because Logan had started pushing his palms up his chest, under his shirt. He flipped his palms up and gripped the fabric. Leo didn’t need him to say anything. He sat forward enough for Logan to pull it over his head. The gold chain he wore spilled like water back to his throat, but Logan only had a moment to look before Leo was doing the same to his shirt. Logan shivered at the feeling of Leo’s hands on his bare ribs. Blue, blue eyes met his. Leo’s face held a timid, burning fire. He breathed in, trying to press into his hands, and Leo’s fingers slotted into the spaces in between seamlessly.

Logan looked at Finn. He had set his glass down and had that hand resting low on his stomach, thumbing the band of his shorts. He arched a brow at Logan.

Leo, when Logan found his blue again, was breathing more shallowly now, lips parted. He liked feeling Leo breathe beneath his hands. He liked being able to see where the sun touched his skin.

Logan leaned forward slowly, holding Leo’s gaze, before ducking his head to take that gold chain between his teeth. He pulled gently until Leo’s head tilted back for him, baring his neck, and then pressed his lips there right over a pounding beat.

“Huh,” Leo breathed. “That belonged to my grandfather.”

“D’accord,” Logan said, pressing his lips over the metal, now warm. “What do you want me to do, thank him?”

Leo’s laugh was loud and breathless. Heat spiked through Logan’s entire body when he felt Leo’s hand, large and warm, cup the back of his neck. “God, Logan.”

Logan pulled back to look at him, leaning into his hands. “What’s my code now?” Logan pushed his hips down and watched Leo’s eyes flutter shut then open again. “What am I thinking now?”

Leo just laughed and pulled Logan to him.

Warm. Leo’s mouth was warm and sweet with the wine. Something pushed against Logan’s shoulder and the world went a little lopsided. Logan though it was just Leo’s kiss making his head spin until he felt his back hit the soft cushions of the couch and realized it had been Finn pushing them. He laughed into Leo’s mouth, letting his lips drag down his neck, and opened his eyes to see Finn kneeling beside them.

Finn looked like he had looked in the kitchen, flushed as he leaned forward to kiss Logan quiet again, only dragging his mouth out of Logan’s reach to kiss Leo.

“Your knee,” Logan panted. “Don’t—” He broke off, watching them kiss. “Don’t kneel like that…”

Finn didn’t reply, but Leo made a concerned sound and pulled back.

“O’Hara,” he said sternly.

“Well, then get me off the floor.”

“You pushed,” Logan said.

Finn rolled his eyes and stood up with a groan. Logan hooked an elbow around his legs, keeping him there so he could press kisses to the scar. When he looked up, mouth on his skin still, Finn looked more flushed than before. Logan thought it was him, but then he noticed Leo’s hand, pulling at the strings of Finn’s shorts.

Leo’s teasing smile brought Finn sinking towards them, but Logan wasn’t sure which one of them kissed Leo first.

Time pinned and froze. A note on a door in Finn’s handwriting that Logan might’ve just kept forever. One of Finn’s steamed-up hearts traced through windows at him. Logan wanted to sign his name on the scene in front of him. He wanted to magnet it on a fridge, wanted Finn to seal it on that bulletin board he kept in the office with all of their plans. He wanted to fold it up and keep it in his wallet. He wanted a video, a grainy one that would smudge Leo’s blue eyes as he looked up at Finn with his fingers digging into his pale hips.

It was finally dark outside, and Logan wanted to relive the way the three of them had stumbled through the house a thousand times. Finn pushing Leo against a doorframe, Leo stopping Logan with his arms wrapped tight around his waist to kiss him until Logan felt he’d have to ease them down to the floor right there. Finn’s heaving chest in the light coming in through the moon with Leo gasping beneath him was a movie in itself. Logan didn’t know what to do with himself half the time. He ran his fingers over every inch of skin exposed. Kissed the sounds out of Leo’s mouth, watched Finn’s face in a way he’d never gotten to before. He was gorgeous like this, shoulders braced with his hands sinking into their bed, red hair sticking to his temples. Sitting up and back in a way that made Leo’s back arch and let Finn pull Logan under one arm. It wasn’t a kiss he got from Finn exactly, more like he was using Logan to try and catch his breath, to steady himself.

Logan let his eyes slip closed and turned blindly for Finn’s mouth. He felt Leo’s hand on him and reached down to hold his wrist, just to feel the way it moved. Quick and sure with his strokes as he was on the court. When he stretched out along Leo’s side, he could feel the snap of Finn’s hips in the way Leo’s body shivered. They had been giddy earlier, laughing and tumbling, but at one point Logan had been pinned so tight between their bodies that the laughter broke in his throat and some sort of fever had lit inside him. He needed closer and again. He needed them kissing each other over his shoulder and feeling like he’d been drenched over his head in something this sweet smelling.

He couldn’t take it anymore. He swung his leg over Leo’s hips and was up, balanced on Leo’s chest. His world was Leo’s voice, oh, Lo, yes, yes, and Finn’s chest to lean back on once the two of them sent Logan sinking again, plunged him into his own personal, warm, weightless, sea.

Next he knew, their breathing sounded as rhythmic as the AC, and Logan was on his side, but he was sure, somehow, that his head was at the wrong end of the bed. He was warm, though, perfectly so, like someone had thrown the comforter over him. He opened his eyes and found Finn beside him, on his back. He was panting hard, chest rising and falling quickly, and Logan tried to piece out exactly what had made him like that. He meant to lay his palm on Finn’s heart, just to feel, but his muscles didn’t quite obey and he ended up slapping it there, making Finn jump.

“Jesus fuck,” Finn said. His breathing paused as he swallowed around a dry throat, then took up again. His hand covered Logan’s. “Hi. Hi, baby.”

“Leo?”

“Ya,” Leo’s voice came, somewhere from the head of the bed so Logan had to raise his head. He was in a mess of pillows, bare and breathing as hard as Finn was. Logan frowned at him. He felt as calm and serene as morning waters.

“You might have missed some action at the end there,” Finn read his mind. “But you looked so peaceful and…and I just needed…” Finn looked down the bed at Leo and laughed. “Well, that one more time. Jesus, Knut.”

Leo grinned and let his head fall back into the pillows.

Logan pushed himself up onto his forearms and tried to shake some of the fog from his head. He hadn’t been asleep exactly. Just…everything had felt good. The sheets. Their hands. Their sounds. He remembered, now that he was thinking about it, feeling safe with their warm voices right there, their hands on him even as they were drawn together. Finn’s gentle words, separated by kisses Logan hadn’t quite been able to open his eyes to look at. You know you read the signs right. You know you did. We’ve wanted you. You should have seen Lo the first time we really talked about it, I thought he was ready to go and find you right then. The way he lights up whenever you call. The way he quiets on the court when he plays you, you push him so well. I’ve wanted you. I thought I had it all until I watched you walk right up at that ball and ask to dance. Oh my God, you’re brave, you’re brave, of course we want you.

Already, Logan knew when one of them was missing. He could feel it when he woke up sometime later. He heard the bathroom door squeak slightly and opened his eyes. Finn was asleep, rolled onto his other side with the sheets slung low across his hips. Leo had pulled boxers on and was crossing back from the bathroom. Leo saw he was awake and jogged over to him quicker, making Logan laugh and check to make sure he hadn’t woken Finn. When he turned back, Leo was sliding back under the sheets and Logan shuffled over to press close to him. Sharing a pillow like he’d done a thousand times with Finn.

“Your blue eyes look different in the dark.”

“Hm,” Leo whispered back. “Different how?”

“I don’t know, I like it, though.” He ran a hand up and down Leo’s bare side. It was cool, no lingering warmth from the bed. “You’ve been up?”

Leo sighed and shrugged like he was resigned to it. Logan inched closer. This was new.

“I know all about your routines and your days,” Logan whispered. “But I don’t know about your nights.”

“Guilty insomniac here,” Leo whispered, then smiled. “Sure you still want me?”

“Shh,” Logan soothed. “Of course I do.” Leo humphed and pushed his cheek into the pillow, but his eyes did flutter closed as soon as Logan began rubbing his back. “Of course we do…”

“I was mostly joking,” Leo whispered. “I just—I don’t know, something keeps me up.”

“You’re worried about something?”

“No, no,” Leo said. “I mean, sometimes that’s it. Mostly, it’s just—there. I’m just awake.”

“What can I do?” Logan asked. He traced a thumb over Leo’s full bottom lip. “I’ll do anything.”

That soft mouth smiled right into Logan’s touch. “I know you would, sweetheart.”

“Pst, pst, pst, pstpstpstpstssst,” Finn grumbled suddenly, then rolled over to press against Logan’s back, throwing an arm over him to reach Leo. “I’m getting you up for a run at six, go to sleep.”

Leo gasped even before Logan could. “You are not.”

“Now it’s five for talking back.”

“It’s three in the morning right now. We’ve been asleep for two hours.”

“Maybe we should just get up now then,” Finn said, and Logan could feel that teasing grin.

Logan elbowed Finn gently in the ribs. “Go away, no cuddling for you.”

Finn just tossed a leg over them, and Logan watched Leo’s eyes brighten as Finn peppered a dozen hard kisses over Logan’s neck and shoulder.

“Oh, baby, you don’t know how to send me away, nu-uh,” Finn whispered. Logan felt a weak little tug of arousal in his gut, not enough to be urgent, but, God, Finn. Finn would always do Finn things to him. Then, just as suddenly as he’d woken, Finn was leveraging himself over both of them and locking Leo between their bodies. “But my Leo’s not being sleepless, not on my watch.”

“Hm,” Leo said softly, eyes slipping closed. He let Finn tuck his knees up behind his own, let Logan stretch his arm out under his head to act as a pillow instead. “Well…If there was ever a place I could sleep…”

“It’s right here,” Finn whispered, lips against Leo’s shoulder. His brown eyes flit to Logan. “It’s right here.”

“Can I have some of those peppers?”

“What…” Logan and Finn looked at each other. “What peppers?”

“Those,” Leo said softly.

“Peppers,” Finn repeated to himself, then laughed. “Oh, peppers.”

He started slow, placing gentle kisses to Leo’s neck, then got faster as he reached his jaw and cheek.

“Peppers,” Logan mumbled, watching Leo’s pleased smile.

Logan settled a kiss on the corner of Leo’s mouth and blinked in the blinding, rolling urge to tell Leo that he loved him. Now, before their breathing all evened out and he’d have to wait. But Leo was falling into a lull again and Logan didn’t want to ruin that. On Leo’s hip, Finn’s fingers found his and locked tight. Finn squeezed once, twice, brown eyes so dark and deep in the night. Logan squeezed back, hard, finally understanding.

[bloodpen-to-paper]

QSMP Awards 2024 Summarized

-The audio was scuffed for the first half. I don't mean a little crispy. I don't mean with a slight echo. It was fucked in every way imaginable. The audio sounded like it was going through a blender. Then it kept getting too loud, then too quiet (so much so we couldn't hear), all while being way too crispy. Charlie Slimecicle monologued to the audience while the team was trying to fix it but since the audio was both too crispy and too quiet we couldn't actually understand anything he was saying. This carried on for about 7 minutes with him holding two microphones, neither of which was working, before the stream crashed (again)

-All the staff are apparently Cucurucho, with one of them being a "main Cucurucho"

-Missa wore a "Quackity my beloved" shirt. I could not explain to you what the blazer over it was supposed to be.

-Everyone else at the ceremony was shown through discord call. I'm convinced Charlie has never seen German or Lenay's faces cause he did not know it was them until Quackity said their names

-The screen was supposed to switch between showing all the people on the discord and it kept switching between the same four people. If I have to hear Q, Charlie and Missa chant "Foolish" or "Pol" ever again-

-Mariana showed up and Charlie immediately went into bitter ex mode. He also hit on Mariana. Multiple times.

-We got a patented Ironmouse "coño" and chat lost their shit over Luzu existing, as expected

-Mariana looked like Michael Jackson, Bad's background could've been the set of Breaking Bad, Roier had a ski mask, lots of people learned what Lenay, German and Vegetta's looked like for the first time, and Mike had a kawaii filter

-Somehow Bad didn't even get nominated for Best Cucurucho Jumpscare, showing that even non-red carpet events can produce award snubs (congrats to Bagi!)

-Though I yearned for Maximus getting nominated for his Eh Vegetta prank, we all knew the win had to go to Vegetta for the mines

-The audio eventually became bearable but the echo never fully left. At some point there were like three or four overlaps of Vegetta giving his acceptance speech

-Acau won for Best Death from getting killed by an enderman (in my heart Foolish's accidental death by Pomme's sniper that got him eliminated from the elections won, but we did get Quackity dying to a fly as a nom so I feel complete. Also congrats to Acau!)

-The Qsmp shop is officially open! We got eggie merch :]

-Quackity forgot to roll clips for the Best Purgatory 2 Moment nominees and almost read out the winner before we got the montage (Wuant won! It was the clip of him being told he lost and he accidentally did a flip. They weren't able to get the acceptance speech on stream so we saw it from Quackity's phone)

-Funniest QSMP Moment nominees were all fucking hilarious, its hard to pick just one but Maxo winning for when he respawned after a lore-heavy moment in Pierre's bed to his own moans being remixed into a song absolutely deserved the win

-Saddest QSMP Moment was unnecessary and the admins will be hearing from my lawyers for making me relive Dapper's first lost life, Dia de los Muertos and the end of Purgatory 1 (Jaiden and Roier saying bye to Bobby won, Roier changed his screen to black and white and held up what looked like a mini Cucurucho being used as a cross)

-Best QSMP Original Song was played prematurely when the category was Best Language Exchange, and we got a spoiler for the winner (YD and Hugo's exchange won and YD's audio was muted so we just saw her Vtuber model getting excited)

-The aforementioned Best Qsmp Original Song had Gordinho Gostosinho looping aggressively over Charlie singing the Juanaflippa song, which I hope to god gets clipped cause it was hilarious (I'm glad the Roier and Cucurucho rap got nominated). Charlie was very confused why they had him announce his own win.

-Best PVP unsurprisingly went to Etoiles for his colosseum Code fight, after all he is the Best🔥 (the other noms were great too, we had Philza vs Tubbo in Purgatory, Bad and Maxo eliminating El Quackity from the elections, and a cute sparring session between Pac and Richas)

-Best Qsmp Fails went to Fit for that time Pac's internet cut out during their date (of course he bragged about his Brasilian boyfriend after learning he won for best loser)(also if it was up to me Quackity's fly deaths would've been added to this category just sayin')

-The audio problems were revealed to have been roleplay the entire time. Yep. All part of the lore.

-Speaking of, most of the winners who were in the discord call could not be heard so they had to give speeches through Quackity holding his phone up to the mic

-Best Roleplayer went to Roier for his Doied arc (the screen prematurely showed him before they could read the announcement, and his speech was him kissing the camera)

-Worst Server House went to Mariana accompanied with the classic clip of him reacting to the admins roasting his started base; Mariana was part of the discord call but left at some point so he couldn't give a speech, to which Charlie jumped on the opportunity to roast his absence like a shark smelling blood (they rightfully nominated Quackity for his clip of Acau reacting to his failure of a starter house, and apparently Carre's base is just his bed on a dirt plot)

-Most Iconic Clip went to Pac for stealing the Qsmp Logo (the other lovely noms included Foolish and co. accidentally closing their house door after a creeper came in an attempt to shut it out, and Tina reacting to a mob giving Felps a blowjob)

-The Most Bankrupt Islander went to Niki for being broke, we stan (during the nom montage we got a passa tudo mention)

-The Creator Who Spent the Most Time on the Server Award went to Bad, which was shocking to no one, although they did use his Barbie Girl clip for the nom montage (they also used Fit wearing a wig for his clip)

-The Qsmp cake for the one year anniversary had the text "FELICIDADES ALBERTO". We do not know who Alberto is. Pol was losing it.

-Tubbo won for The Creator With the Most Deaths (106), while The Creator With Fewest Deaths went to Philza (he only had 1!). Philza was able to be heard through stream but the hosts didn't know this so they would hear him from Quackity's phone and repeat what he was saying even though we could hear him

-Everytime the camera cut back to the hosts Charlie, Quackity and Missa had more cake on their faces

-Most Distance Traveled (in Minecraft) went to Etoiles (6,000+ km jfc)

-Creator With the Most Mob Kills went to Pierre (162,960 mob kills. what the fuck.)

-They accidentally read the award for Creator With the Most Damage Taken (Foolish) during the Best Builder announcement, confusing the shit out of everyone, especially cause the screen showed Mike instead of Foolish. I am still unclear who won Best Builder

-Creator With the Most Blocks Placed went to Mike!!! (MIKE WIN VAMBORAAAAAAAAAAA🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷)

-We had to uncomfortably sit through Missa feeding Charlie cake (and just Charlie in general)

-There was an In Memorium segment of the passed eggs (Quackity shat on a grieiving Charlie for Flippa only lasting 11 days, but in Charlie's words, "to you it was 11 days; to her it was a lifetime"). Charlie commentated and had nothing to say about Trump because he didn't know jack shit about Trump (though he did make a wall joke which is exactly what Maxo would have wanted godbless🙏)

-The stream ended with the discord people saying goodbye, while Roier was holding up the mini Cucuruchos and didn't move the entire time. I know he wasn't frozen because he blinked.

-Maxo sent in his acceptance speech video last minute and Quackity hyped it up as a mysterious final entry but Charlie guessed it was Maxo and spoiled it on accident

-Speaking of, Maxo's entry was him walking around heaven looking for Trump </3

-Charlie gave a heartfelt speech about the people he met through the Qsmp, all while looking like ate out frosty the snowman <3. Missa simpy thanked Alberto (we still do not know who Alberto is)

-Tubbo wasn't present in the discord call because he thought him streaming meant he couldn't join. After the stream Quackity called and Tubbo realized he was allowed to join the whole time

-We ended on a montage of various moments, with a message of excitement looking forward to the next year!

And of course, here are the screenies I managed to nab of the hosts slowly deteriorating into cake

[herrscherofsentence]

number one Noel simp here- imagine the reader having the bigggest, most obvious crush on Noel and him having absolutely no clue about it. The other choir members have caught on to it way way before he even suspects it

“Being the only gay man in a small rural high school is kind of like having a laptop in the stone age- sure you can have one but there’s nowhere to plug it in.”

“[Supressed screaming]”

Noel Gruber x male!reader

〜♪

summary: read request

A/N: Hi anon ! apologies if this isn’t exactly what you wanted but I couldn’t find another situation I liked to go along with this, but I hope you’ll enjoy this !

—————

Every time [name] would go by Noel his heart always started to speed up. Why did he feel this way about Noel?..being completely closeted as well, was just great! not exactly great but, he didn’t have a crush on Noel. Did he?

How about joining the choir? That sounded like a wonderful plan! But..he soon found out Noel was also in the choir.

So now decides to ignore his feelings for Noel and just enjoy his time in the choir. But [name] also felt so joyful when Noel was around, a day came when after class Constance nugged your arm giggling a bit. However the message she was trying to send [name] went right over his head.

Days became months in the choir then the Fall Fair came to town and what came along with it was the fair’s most famous ride! The Cyclone! Constance kept wanting everyone to ride it so they ended up riding but they rode The Cyclone last as it seemed like the longest ride there.

The apex of the loop came, fear overwaved everyone as the cart derailed, even in his last moments [name] grabbed onto Noel before landing an impact onto the ground. Thoughts raced through his mind and..it came to [name] the reason that he felt this way towards Noel was because he had a crush on him. Why did it take an accident for [name] to realize it?!..

His train of thoughts came to an end as the choir made an impact with the ground. Darkness was next, complete and utter darkness. All alone he was, until someone’s hand slapped his face which caused [name] to wake up. [name] snapped out of the darkness “A warehouse?..” he said to himself, brushing himself off he got up. Mischa was the one who slapped [name] to get up, but the person [name] looked for was Noel, he seemed to calm down.

Should he tell Noel now? Maybe?.. no absolutely not! Uranium wasn’t the friendliest when it came to those that are different and anyways Noel probably isn’t even gay. However, how wrong [name] was, “Meet Noel Gruber,” the fortune telling machine said it goes on to say, “Catchphrase!”

So with that Noel starts, “Being the only gay man in a small rural high school..-“ [name] has a slight blush form on his face, was there going to be a chance between him and Noel..? “..-laptop in the stone age- sure you can have one but there’s nowhere to plug it in.” Noel finishes, though [name] hadn’t heard the whole thing the pink dust on his face got brighter and brighter. It catches the eyes of Noel, as he ran off from the embarrassment of having to say that out loud in front of the choir, but how come he’s never noticed it from [name] before?

Everyone said their cataphases, then Ocean started and finished a solo..In the nonsense of Ocean’s non stop talking Noel takes the chance and goes over to [name].

Nervousness filled [name], he barely talked to Noel in the first place because of how nervous he got around Noel. “it’s probably too late..anyways..” [name] unconsciously said out loud, Noel wasn’t dumb, he knew the other had something for him, but was the the time to confess to him? It’s better to keep a longing ideal of someone to yourself instead of facing the truth..but should the two take their shots?.

[habeascorpseus]

when i was in 7th grade, i had my first boyfriend. corny shit, i know. in many cases i dont think middle school relationships are enough to be classified as dating- but to this day, i do firmly believe our clumsy attempts at recreating the behavior of couples barely older than us did count. there was an emotional connection there. we had met in 6th grade and bonded over fnaf and minecraft 3 animations and all those other things that people still found found entertaining in 2014.

another notable thing in 7th grade that happened was that i had discovered i was transgender. well, i say "discovered", but it was honestly a long time coming. between my obsession with being seen as a "tomboy," my favorite song on the Kidz Bop 16 CD being Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" (but sung in a way to make it so much less about cheating that it really became more of a call to action to imagine life as a man) to the point where i manually would loop it on my cd player for hours, and my growing love for mlm shipping— i had been a certified egg since i was in 4th grade. but despite being raised around and parented with about a dozen lesbian and gay couples since birth, i didnt know whether or not my parents were transphobic or not. so, after looking through a list of trans identities, i decided to just come out as genderfluid to my parents as sort of a compromise to the intimidating rigidity of being a trans boy. and even though it wasn't entirely fitting to what i'd ultimately figure out about myself, i grew pretty attached to it.

back to the middle school boyfriend.

at the end of 7th grade— like, a week before summer vacation— i publically came out as genderfluid. while my ex, who i will from now on refer to as Lou, had initially taken it well, albeit with some confusion, over the summer, a much different series of feelings began unfolding. unfortunately, as middle school boys are wont to do whenever one of them begins to act even slightly against the norm, his friends began asking him if he was gay. "if michael¹ is a boy sometimes, does that make you straight, or bisexual?" are some of the things i later heard them ask. and since i, phoneless till the age of 16, was unable to talk to him throughout this relentless picking apart of his own identity, by the time we got back to school, things were... different.

¹ Michael is the name i went by irl for 3 years from 7th-9th grade.

for one, there were the jokes. he was a big leafy fan (and i really did try even back then to steer him away from that but its hard when youre a cringe nerd middle schooler) and back then "attack helicopter" jokes were kind of all the rage, so he began jokingly identifying as a toaster. then he made a toaster mask out of a cardboard box, spray paint, and duct tape that he brought to school and began putting on whenever i walked by him in the hallway. and then, and possibly worst of all- a simple html website shared between his friends called "what gender is Michael today?" which lead to a random generator of options like, "boy", "girl", "toaster", and "attack helicopter." all of which is kind of a lot to deal with when youre a middle schooler with a pretty rough time of it already, and suddenly your main bully is the guy youve effectively been in a relationship with for 6 months.

and now you may be asking: hey habeas, why this sudden autobiographical deep dive into the most traumatic period of your life? what spawned this? how is this story relevant to literally anything going on? well, that's where the next part of the story comes in.

that year, our sex ed teacher was a 5ft transgender man named Mudd. Mudd had a buzzcut, and a higher pitched voice, and small hands, but beyond all of that, there was nothing visibly different about him than any other boy or man in the school. in fact, the boys thought he was cool as hell. they were fascinated by the idea of transformation of the self into an unrecognizable body. they never misgendered him, even after learning his status as a trans man. in fact, they were comfortable enough around him to be transphobic towards me. and Mudd, like a good trans mentor, told them to cut that shit out, and told me that regardless of how complicated and occasionally contradictory my identity was, it was still me, and i needed to stand up for who i was as a person.

a week later, Lou called me a tranny, and in response, i punched him in the nose and promptly stopped talking to him.

so again, why is this relevant? well, I'm not sure how terminally online (or specifically, on twitter) some of you are, but recently there's been a bit of a tiff in a certain fandom about bi lesbianism. specifically, how it, as an identity, is harmful to both the bisexual and lesbian communities. which, one: nooooo....??? bisexuality and lesbianism arent separate so much fraternal twins, and I've already talked too much to include further definitions to prove it. but my argument is really less about its validity as an identity and more about the principle of there being limits to acceptance, even within our community.

like with my experience, people were fine when they were faced with binary identities. a trans man like mudd is cool, or a trans girl like Jazz Jennings (we watched a lot of I Am Jazz in homeroom) could be seen as normal, and more so, inspiring. but when i came in with an identity people found to be contradictory or "too confusing," it resulted in backlash. the entire definition of being "queer" is to be abnormal to what general society finds acceptable, and even then, some things are "too weird" to be tolerated. even amongst "weird" people. which i find to be a pretty troubling trend amongst queer leftist young people who's only real experience with an "lgbt community" has been online. here, we prioritize and find catharsis in labels and categories to the point where the "queer community" has become instead split between identities- the gays, the lesbians, the bis, the transes, the aros and aces and the whatnot. in the real world, it doesnt matter what flavor of queer you are, nobody's going to stop and ask before they call you a groomer and then legislate your freedom away. which is why we, as an online queer community, have to get rid of the notion that some identities are "too contradictory" or "dont exist" enough to be worth giving support and love.

im saying all this here... because, well, one: nobody wants to read a 40+ tweet thread about my personal brush with irl homophobia and how that radicalized me against community separation in general, and two: i am deeply afraid of 14 year olds on twitter with too much time on their hands. but also im saying this because it was infuriating yesterday to watch my entire twitter feed suddenly turn into a puritanical campaign against the very concept of someones identity and have the ability to say nothing. it disgusted me how quickly we turn against our own simply because the way they are is confusing to our tiny fucking peanut brains. and i know none of those people who went on that tirade will read this, but i felt like it needed to be said anyways.

don't let society's impulse to ostracize the confusing and strange win out over human decency. don't do conservatives' strategy to divide and conquer us for them. a person's identity not being comprehensible to you is not inherently an attack on who you, yourself, are. you are your identity and you should stand up for it, and you should stand up for others' identities too. punch your bullies in the nose.

long live the confusing, the contradictory, and most importantly, the queer.

[sugarmapl]

Hi! May I request a cytham fic of cyno's spirit in him making him need the things/feelings the spirit needs, in this case, headpats?

I read this one fic called "worship (offering)" and it's been choking me ever since send help LIKE LITERALLY IMAGINE ( I HAVE THIS HC OF CYNO BEING RLLY SAD AND ANGRY BC HE PROBABLY SEES SOME FUCKED UP STUFF WHEN INTERROGATING PPL) ALHAITHAM JUST BEING GENTLE AND GIVING HEADPATS LIKE VGFGTHYJU

Ask and you shall receive! I hope this is close to what you’re looking for!

—

Cravings

If there was one thing Cyno prided himself on, it was his efficiency. He took his job very seriously, and delivering justice swiftly and consistently was his bread and butter. No one was more qualified for the position of General Mahamatra.

However, there was a dark side to this efficiency that very little knew about. Many times, to deal with the most heinous of criminals, Cyno had to put aside his own feelings about a case in order to get the job done.

Normally, this didn’t bother him. He was often dealing with petty Akademiya problems like fraud or plagiarism. But every once in a while, he would stumble onto a case that would make even the great General Mahamatra squirm. And more importantly, it would also upset the spirit dwelling within him.

Cyno never regretted the pact that he had made with the jackal spirit all those years ago. In fact, allowing himself to be the spirit’s vessel only granted him the opportunity to carry out his work all the better.

Except, there were certain times when he would be… influenced by the spirit. Various cravings would assault him at the most random of times, like a fiery itch in his veins. Some days he would be especially restless with an excess of energy, some days he would feel especially hungry, and others he would crave affection.

The last one was the rarest of all. Cyno himself was not an overly emotional or affectionate person, so he often just chose to suppress those cravings. Sure, it upset the spirit a little bit, but what was Cyno’s alternative? He didn’t have the time to worry about such things.

But that day, things just seemed to get worse and worse. It started much like any other, but then the case he was working on turned out to be much more grim than anyone had anticipated. The scholar he had been pursuing was under suspicion of selling off stolen research materials.

To everyone’s horror, that was just the tip of the iceberg. It was revealed that the people he was selling to were connected to an underground ring of kidnappers responsible for the disappearances of children from the local villages outside Sumeru city. They were using the children as human test subjects in illegal experiments of their own.

Cyno had been cleaning up that mess for the better part of the morning well into the late afternoon. He had the pleasure of interrogating each of the suspects, and the things he learned were downright sinister. By the time it was evening, he had gotten through all of the suspects, but he was completely drained.

He sat at his desk, blankly staring at the reports in front of him, his mind replaying the interrogations on a loop. Perhaps he had used a little more force than necessary to coax some of the information out, but those guys deserved it. With everything they had gathered, Cyno would make sure the culprits were locked away for a long, long time.

Still, he couldn’t shake the awful feeling in his gut that continued for the entire day. He could feel the spirit pulling on his subconscious, obviously upset. It was wallowing in sadness, dragging Cyno down along with it. The General Mahamatra was too tired to fight it anymore, letting its cravings settle into the forefront of his mind.

What I wouldn’t give to just be held right now.

It was an unusual thought for Cyno of all people to have. But after all, it wasn’t really his thought to begin with. Still, it persisted, the urge to be graced with affection became more and more prominent as time went on. Cyno didn’t know how long had passed staring at that blank report until he heard a knock on his office door.

Alhaitham entered without waiting for a response.

“I’m here to collect the report on today’s case,” the Acting Grand Sage announced as he approached Cyno’s desk.

Upon seeing the General barely even acknowledge him, the scribe came closer to see what the other was staring at. He eyed the blank report skeptically before turning back to Cyno, who was now looking back with big, rounded eyes.

Alhaitham immediately came to the conclusion that something must have been wrong for two reasons. First, Cyno was known for and was quite proud of his efficiency with his work. The fact that the report on his desk was not even filled out yet was very telling.

Second, the way the General was acting, like all of the alertness was drained out of his body, was so out of character that it was alarming. His eyes also lacked their usual degree of intimidation. To be frank, Alhaitham had never seen Cyno look so… vulnerable.

“What’s wrong?” he asked promptly.

It was best to get to the heart of the matter quickly in order to come up with a solution. Alhaitham was never one to beat around the bush, being quite fond of efficiency himself. He would rather cut to the chase then deal with useless formalities.

“The case today was… disturbing,” Cyno answered in a low voice.

“I see… And it’s affecting your psyche?” Alhaitham questioned.

“Not mine…” the other mumbled. “The jackal’s.”

Alhaitham hummed in thought. He was at least vaguely aware that Cyno had some kind of pact with an ancient deity, and that said spirit made a home in the other’s body. But he did not know that it had the ability to influence him to that extent. He was surprised Cyno offered that information so willingly.

“What needs to be done to soothe it and resolve this?” the scribe asked seriously.

For the first time, Cyno looked awkward. He leaned back in his chair, glancing away from Alhaitham and trying to look at anything else.

“It wants… head pats,” he finally admitted, obviously embarrassed.

Alhaitham paused in surprise for only the briefest of moments, barely even perceptible, before rounding the desk and planting a gentle hand on top of Cyno’s head. Luckily, the General had taken off his headdress a while ago, so there was nothing to stop him from calmly stroking through the other’s soft, white hair.

“Like this?”

“Y-you’re just going to do it!?”

“Yes. If this is the best solution to help you out, I don’t see why not,” Alhaitham commented. “Besides, you seem to be enjoying it.”

It was true. Cyno found himself subconsciously leaning into Alhaitham’s touch. He could feel the jackal spirit positively beaming, having finally gotten what it wanted. Its craving for affection was being satiated.

“How long should I do this for?” the scribe asked after a few minutes.

Cyno was practically melting at that point, all inhibition out the window. He leaned even closer to Alhaitham, pressing his head into the hand with each pat, the jackal chasing its warmth.

“Just a little longer,” Cyno said softly.

“Sure.”

Alhaitham continued to stroke the other’s hair, occasionally patting the top of his head. When he noticed how much Cyno was leaning towards him in the chair, he moved even closer, gently pushing the General’s head to rest against his toned stomach.

They stayed that way for who knows how long. Eventually, the jackal was satisfied, calming down enough for Cyno to be able to pull away. He ignored the heat in his cheeks and thanked the scribe.

“It was nothing. If something like that ever happens again, you can just come and see me,” Alhaitham replied.

Cyno was ready to deny the offer, but the jackal was so ecstatic his body practically buzzed with eagerness. Oh boy. At that point, he feared the cravings were going to turn into a full-blown addiction…

[knightprincess]

Forgive Me (Echo x Medic Reader) Part 17

Words: 2.9K Warnings: None (we're in the Bad Batch Territory now) Pairing: Echo & Medic Reader Pronouns: She/Her - mentions of Y/N and Y/L/N A/N - Forgive me for taking so long to update, my laptop erased everything and not so smart me didn't have back ups. Anyways Happy Holidays, wishing all a good new year x

Silence prevailed. The Marauder was quieter than it had ever been before; no one dared speak as reality slowly began to sink into each member of the elite squad. Not only were they now traitors to the new power, deserters, but they had also broken their own wordless promise by leaving Crosshair in the grip of the newly founded Empire. Although they had succeeded in retrieving Omega and sparing her from a fate few could imagine, it didn't soothe the guilt of leaving Crosshair to fend for himself in a place where few would see him as anything more than an object, an unfeeling piece of equipment, an number. 

On top of that came the realization that thousands, if not millions, of Clones across the galaxy had been slaughtered amidst their effort to fulfill the directions of Order 66, an order that took away their free will and suppressed everything that made them human. An order that forced them to turn on and betray their friends in the Jedi and any innocent who stood in their way. An order that went against who they were and against anything any clone could have truly desired. Slowly, it was becoming obvious that Crosshair, too, had fallen victim to the galaxy-wide sweep of Order 66. 

As Tech did more research, it became obvious it wasn't just the Jedi targeted. The Civvi personnel had been to. Those considered valuable had been sent to different divisions amongst all the chaos, whereas those deemed useless had been mercilessly executed alongside the Jedi. Echo was unsure what was worse, fearing his friends and brothers had been killed or finding out (Y/N) could also be among the lost. Despite his best efforts, the battle-worn Arc Trooper couldn't bring himself to speak the words ringing through his mind. The words that could shatter what remained of his resolve or fan the flames of hope. It had been Wrecker who had bravely worded the question. 

"What about (Y/N)? You said she was on Coruscant." Wrecker's voice had softly rumbled through the tight confinements of the Marauder, bouncing on the durasteel walls as if to trap all of them in an unending loop with the question and any fears it would bring forth. Omega had spoken up curiously after finally diverting her attention away from the swirling colors of hyperspace, asking who the Civvi was, trying her hardest to break up the harrowing atmosphere that had since settled over the cold modified attack shuttle. 

"I can't find any trace of her," answered Tech, pushing his goggles back up the bridge of his nose; he soon returned to tapping away at his holopad, a renewed determination to find the answers to lingering questions and maybe settle their growing nerves. If they could save even one they cared for, then their efforts and hope wouldn't be in vain. "It appears others are uncounted for as well. Commanders Wolffe, Thire, and Blackout are among them," he commented, intending to grow the small amount of hope each had, but especially for Echo, who had already lost so much and stood to lose more. 

"Where are we heading anyway?" asked Echo, attempting to change the subject and drown the dread beginning to take hold in the pit of his stomach. All he wanted now was a distraction, if only so he could ignore the growing concerns and silence the thoughts of terror floating through his mind as if to torment him more than the Separatists did during the war. The Arc Trooper was well aware the Batch had built up a network of contacts during their assignments across the galaxy. Rex and Cody were among them, as were Senators, Civvi Personnel, and random civilians across the galaxy. 

"Saleucami," announced Hunter, confidence flooding his smokey voice, even if his honey-colored eyes didn't echo it. "There's a friend there that's been hiding for years. Figured he'd be the best person to get advice from," he added, recalling when the batch had come across Cut and Su. It had been one of their first assignments off Kamino. At first, each had assumed he was just undercover for something but soon learned otherwise when he interrogated them, believing the Republic had sent them to retrieve or execute him for treason. They'd parted on good terms, though, keeping his whereabouts a secret and stopping off every now and again to visit when they were close by. They'd slowly built a friendship to the point Cut was one of the few they trusted. 

"Found something," announced Tech, a forefinger pointed upwards, although a neutral expression painted upon his features, clearly stating he didn't know if his findings were good or not. "Two of the (Y/L/N) sisters are accounted for, Devika. She still remains in the Senate. Senators Bail Organa, Mon Mothma, and Riyo Chuchi have taken her under their wing. Isolde is listed among the military base casualties, as is her husband Octavius," he added, unsure if (Y/N) being unaccounted for is a good thing or not. It certainly brought up more questions and barely answered others. 

"She got away?" commented Omega, her voice full of hope and optimism despite the dire situation placed before her. Despite not knowing much about the civvi medic, it was clear she meant a lot to the clones who did know her. Some who came back to Kamino often spoke of the civvi medics, how some were far gentler than the Kaminoans. Others spoke of the medics being friendly and good listeners, brave even for fearlessly volunteering despite the cost of doing so. Risking their lives to ensure clones were taken care of, too. 

Soon enough, the squad and Omega landed on Saleucami, landing on the outskirts of what appeared to be a farm. The fields of crops appeared about ready to be harvested. In the middle of the farm was a small homestead, surrounded by electrical fences to keep away deadly wild beasts that often roamed the area. No doubt there were other boogie traps set up to catch intruders unaware. One of which Wrecker found, made up of a laser trigger and repurposed B1 battle droids, their battery had long since gone flat. 

The group had been met at the homestead by Su, brandishing a rifle, no doubt loaded and ready to use. Clung to her were her two children, Jek and Shaeeah, both seemed more curious than frightened despite the difficult time the entire galaxy faced. Both their faces lit up as they recognized the majority of the intruding group, excited even to see Omega with them, a child herself around the same age. Su lowered her rifle soon enough, as did Cut when he appeared from the rows of crops nearby. Both welcomed the former Republic soldiers before getting down to obvious business. 

"Rex passed through here the day before yesterday," spoke Cut, giving hope not all was lost. "Wolffe and a medic the day before that," he added, sparking some interest among the group. Even more so at the mention of a medic being with him, despite the odds, Echo couldn't help the curiosity get the better of him and hope filled his heart. Could the medic be Snap? Had Wolffe saved her from whatever fate the Empire had in mind? Could his Snap have survived the slaughter at the military base? 

"Wolffe was here?" questioned Hunter, recalling hearing many stories of the gruff commander, although the batch never had the chance to work with him. "Who was the medic?" he voiced, asking the questions all were thinking. Su and Cut glanced at each other. The sudden hope and the change in each of the enhanced soldiers suggested the medic was of great interest to them, perhaps a connection. 

"He called her Snap," replied Su, finding herself uncertain if they should share the information; after all, Wolffe had made it clear his intention was to protect her from the Empire, indicating they would hunt her for some reason or another. "She's as stubborn as he is, insisted on tending to the wounds sustained." 

"We have to find her and Wolffe," voiced Echo, the words escaping his lips the moment they popped to mind; he didn't spare a second to think about it. Hunter, Tech, and Wrecker all shared a glance as if confirming they were thinking the same thing before either of them spoke up. "Did they say where they were going?" asked the Arc Trooper, determined to keep to the promise he'd made (Y/N) before joining the Bad Batch moons prior. Determined to find her again while refusing to allow the empire to take anyone else away. 

"Didn't say, but I wouldn't suggest going after either of them with the little one in your company," uttered Cut, showing his concern for Omega, even more so as he remembered Wolffe sharing his concerns and something Rex had mentioned the following day. "Rex mentioned the Empire highly valued her; they're hunting her. She was supposed to be taken to a top-secret division somewhere." cluing the four troopers in on the dangers that would await if they chose to pursue finding the medic, commander, or captain. 

"She's alive, Echo, right now that's what matters. You know she'll be safe with Wolffe," said Hunter, taking Cut's advice and thinking of Omega and what was best for her. She was already stuck with four men who had no clue what to do with her, let alone care for or raise a child. It would be cruel to throw her in danger to try and find someone all considered a friend, all of them loved in their own way. 

"But ..." started Echo as if to protest. 

"Cut's right. Plus, if we did find Snap, she'd rip us all a new one for putting Omega in harm's way," voiced Wrecker, recalling witnessing Snap whack an incompetent member of the Civvi personnel upside the head. The sound of her hand colliding with the back of the blonde's head was enough to make even the toughest man cringe. The fury that blazed in her eyes that day could warm both Hoth and Ilum or freeze the desert planets of the outer rim. 

"I have little doubt we will meet Snap again sometime down the road, but for now, we are on different paths," started Tech, becoming the voice of reason, whilst noting both Su and Cut had gone quiet, observing the interactions. "She's a survivor, a fighter. Eventually, she'll reappear. As Cody said, she had an army of big brothers. She has Wolffe; she's alive; we could ask no more than that," he added, thankful at least one of the few he had grown fond of had survived even when others hadn't been as fortunate. However, he did question how Wolffe had found her. Was it during the chaos of Order 66 or after it? Did he have help, or was it a coincidence he'd found her? Were there others out there helping, or was it just Wolffe and maybe Rex? Had the commander been affected by Order 66, or was he one of a few who had been immune to the effects? 

There are so many questions with no answers to them. Echo soon sighed, resigning himself to doing what was best for Omega, even when every fiber of his being was screaming at him to find (Y/N) to help protect her. As the conversation continued, the Arc Trooper began to zone out. Thinking about what was and what is still to come. About all the wrongs he so desperately wanted to make up for, the redemption he sought after. His many brothers across the galaxy as well, both those who had fallen during the order and those now forced to serve the empire, the very thing they were fighting the war to prevent. He thought about Rex out there somewhere, no doubt with a mission in mind. The surviving Jedi who now hid across the galaxy, friends who had lost nearly everything. 

Just as he began to think of Omega, although he didn't regret taking her from Kamino, he wasn't okay with the cost. Leaving Crosshair behind when it was so clear he needed them just as much as they needed him. Echo knew keeping Omega with them would complicate a lot of things; they would need to change how they did things to ensure she was safe and adjust other things for her. They would need to ensure she was their top priority, that she had the things she needed and had the skills needed to survive in the cruel galaxy. But more importantly, they had to remember Omega was a child, not a soldiers trained for battle. 

"Echo," called Tech from close by, tapping his shoulder a few times to gain his attention before motioning for the Arch Trooper to accompany him. The moment the two left the homestead, a sharp sigh escaped Tech, one that appeared to surprise the enhanced clone when it passed his lips. "I will continue to search for her, while building the detector device, perhaps luck will be in our favor and we'll cross paths sooner rather than later" softly worded Tech, allowing hope to tint his voice. Although he also hoped to be given the chance to rescue Crosshair at some point, the guilt of leaving the silver-haired sniper behind weighed on him heavily, even if he wouldn't admit it out loud. 

"Somethings not right," commented Echo, his voice quiet, as if his words were a secret he didn't want others to know. "Why would they execute Octavius, one of the best cryptographers the GAR had to offer? Yet insist on capturing Snap; what do they want her for?" he added, confusion lacing his voice, but concern and uncertainty also tainted it. Tech only glanced at him as both entered the Marauder, observing the mess either Wrecker or Omega had made at some point. The enhanced clone didn't voice his opinions, noting it would do little to soothe Echo or offer him anything in the way of comfort. 

Deep down, Tech had questioned the same thing but had come to the conclusion that Octavius had been killed by another member of the personnel or even a rogue clone. After all, if Wolffe had retrieved (Y/N) from the base, then there had to be others helping him. Perhaps Commander Fox or the missing Thire had lent a helping hand. Maybe members of the 501st to disobey the order had aided, at least the half on Coruscant. 

"I have a feeling we're not going to like the answer when we get it," voiced Tech, not admitting he had asked the same question regarding (Y/N). From the many thoughts flooding his mind, the scenarios could have been more desirable. Ranging from holding her captive and using her to lure other rogue clones, knowing they wouldn't abandon their friend, to using her for some top-secret experiment. After all, the emperor had ordered the death of her elder sister, so it wasn't a stretch to think he had a use for both (Y/N) and Devika, too. "I will see what I can uncover; if they plan to hunt her, then she is of more value than either of us initially thought. For now, though, it's better to keep a low profile. If the empire finds we are looking for her, they will likely use us or you as bait to get to her," announced Tech, speaking logically. 

After all, the Empire had already displayed they would do whatever was necessary to achieve their goals, regardless of the cost or the opinions of those they supposedly served. They told lies and manipulated to ensure they were presented in the best possible light. For now, Order 66 was hidden, so it appeared like the clones had executed the Jedi willingly. The emperor had played a game of chess to an excellent degree, manipulating and playing both sides. To the separatists, the Republic was corrupt and no longer worked, whereas the Separatists were responsible for tearing the once peaceful galaxy apart in the eyes of the Republic. 

The Jedi had become warmongers, and the senators were greedy on both sides. The Sith hid in the shadows for the most part, although there had been rumors of a mysterious apprentice the Emperor now had. The daunting Vader. Count Dooku, on the other hand, had by far received the worst treatment since his death, blamed for starting the war and plunging the galaxy into chaos. Only General Grievous had been judged as harshly for picking up where Dooku had left off; instead of ending the war, he continued with the desire for revenge against the republic.

For now, the Clones hadn't received any judgment nor praise for their part in the war. Instead, their future hung in limbo. It was only a matter of time before they were branded as a weapon too dangerous to be controlled and decommissioned as the battle droids had been. Whether another purpose would be found for them or they would be abandoned was another question. After all, they were created for war, and many members of the imperial personnel had already made their opinions clear: clones were nothing more than weapons that had outlived their usefulness. Now, they had completed their purpose, and the war was over. 

"For now, we have to focus on stabilizing our own futures. We'd be little use to Snap if we are running from the empire as well," he added, seemingly getting through to Echo, who nodded before focusing on the task ahead of them. How were they going to get away from the empire and help the Lawqaune family disappear as well? Especially with all the new restrictions and other implements put in place. 

Series Masterlist

[biffhofosho]

Prisoner to Temptation | Chapter Five

Word Count: 7.3k

A/N: First of all, you guys are insane. Thank you so much for all the interaction! I love feeling like I’m getting something right. :)

Secondly, ngl, proud of this one right here. Maybe made myself blush, too... I have serious problems, okay? And heads up - smut with angsty feelings throughout the rest of the book from here on out. >.>

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Naran didn’t remember the walk back to their wing, but suddenly, she was standing in the seating area between two very different bedrooms with her new husband at her side. She vaguely remembered the emperor and empress giving the couple their blessings for a “successful first union,” but she could just as easily be remembering the same speech repeated dozens of times over the past several weeks.

A voice behind her echoed dimly in her mind. “Would Your Highnesses like for me to call for servants to help you undress?”

Hyungwon looked to his wife, but Naran was still too frozen to answer. With a grateful smile, he said, “Thank you, Magda, but I think we can figure it out.”

Even a seasoned servant like Magda couldn’t hide her dubious look, but she bowed nonetheless and wished them every happiness imaginable before leaving them in the stark, cold gulf between the two royals’ rooms.

The prince cleared his throat and asked, “Um, shall we head inside? It might be warmer.”

But Naran was already warm. In fact, she was boiling under the layers of her hanbok. She was on fire under her very skin. Still, she nodded and followed Hyungwon to his door.

It opened soundlessly though she had expected a creak or some other ominous noise. She hadn’t been in there since the day she’d arrived at the palace, and while everything should have looked the same, it didn’t. The room was bigger, or maybe she was smaller.

“Curtains?” asked the princess, gesturing toward the thick drapes that had been hung from the ornate canopy above his bed.

“It’s for our privacy since…”

Hyungwon didn’t need to say it. Naran knew all too well of this custom, for it was practiced even in her homeland. Heirs were the most important clause in any royal contract, and after too many shams in the past, at some point, it was decided that witnesses on the wedding night went a long way toward encouraging successful couplings. Of course, it also took an already awkward situation and amplified it by thousands.

“Let us change first,” suggested the prince, “and we can meet inside the curtains when you’re comfortable. Then, we can call in the others when we’re ready.”

“I—” Naran stopped, the sounds gummed up in her throat. What was wrong with her? She closed her eyes and pictured her next words since she couldn’t seem to say them without deliberate thought. “I cannot get out of this costume myself.”

Hyungwon bit his bottom lip and nodded. “What do you want me to do? Should I call Magda back?”

“It’s okay. Just… The crown and the hair twists—I can’t figure out how to remove them.”

Naran turned her back to him so Hyungwon could reach out with hesitant hands. At the first brush of his fingers against her scalp, the princess flinched and he yanked his hands back.

“Sorry,” she mumbled. “Sorry. Please continue.”

Naran felt his soft exhale along the back of her neck, and she prayed he could pull out all the pins quickly, but soon it became clear that she had no hope of such mercies.

“Maybe we should have asked Magda for help after all,” Hyungwon said as he fumbled about her hairline.

The hairstyle was even more elaborate than Naran had anticipated, and it took the prince a few minutes of roving through what locks he could loosen and sending shivers down her spine before all the pins were pulled and the loops were unwound. Perhaps he was right, but at the time, Naran had been too busy wishing to get everything over with to consider how elaborate her wedding gown truly was.

At last, she was free of the prison on her head, and Naran shook it to unfetter every last strand of hair. It tumbled down to her low back, and blood coursed through the relieved flesh, leaving a singular tingling that gathered in strength through her whole body.

“Hm.”

The sound was soft behind her, a borderline grunt.

“What?” she pressed.

“Nothing.” After a moment, Hyungwon added, “It’s just… Your hair smells really nice.”

Naran hadn’t even realized she’d been holding her breath until she opened her mouth to respond. “Oh. Yes, they—they washed it in something that looked like milk and flower petals?”

Why did she say that like a question? Even she knew she sounded ridiculous.

Slowly, the prince’s fingers combed through her locks, and it spilled over like ribbons of silk until there was only one ribbon left in his hand. He rubbed it between his thumb and finger and hummed again.

“So soft.”

Naran froze. “Thank you, my lord.”

The prince remembered himself, and he dropped her hair to step back. “My apologies. What else do you need me to do, my lady?”

The princess let her hair fall across her face just as the curtains did around the bed since it felt like the only way she could answer her husband. “Um, there is also a series of laced ties at the back of my waist that I cannot undo myself. If you loosen them, it should be enough for me to take care of the rest on my own.”

First, Hyungwon swept her blanket of hair over her shoulder, and even beneath the many layers of fabric, the temperature plunged as her heat fled elsewhere. The prince steadied her waist, and once she was still, Naran felt his fingers play about the curve of her back as he worked the knot she’d accidentally made in her attempt to break free herself. It felt like forever before the skirt over the hanbok slackened, and she hurried to catch it before it fell away.

“Thank you again,” she whispered. “Where shall I change?”

Hyungwon’s eyebrows softened. “Over there? Are you okay with that side of the bed?”

So, she had a side of someone else’s bed now…

Naran’s heart was beating so fast, she thought it might burst.

She nodded, and he added, “Let me know when you are comfortably in bed, and I will join you.”

Hyungwon was being so considerate—so patient—but all she could focus on were his words: I will join you.

Naran had never been embarrassed about sex. In those fleeting few trysts with the stablehand or the drunken soldier whose name she’d never even gotten, she enjoyed it and the power it brought her. It had been risky and exciting, and maybe part of it had been the notion that if she became pregnant, it might be an excuse to dethrone her, but at the last moment each time, she had always backed away from that particular ledge. Still, something about the way Hyungwon looked at her with his high eyebrows and parted lips made her feel an unexpected, stomach-tightening shyness. She decided to blame it on the wine first and then the fact that he was now officially her husband. It had always been easier when the men were nomads who would be gone with the next breeze, but she and Hyungwon were now bound—forever.

The princess circled the bed on jelly legs while praying not to collapse. Thanks to the thickness of the drapes, she knew she could change in peace, but it turned out there was no possibility of that either because, even though they offered blessed privacy, they could not block out the soft shushing sounds of her husband’s clothes falling away piece by piece.

Naran did not know how far to undress. She’d never been fully naked next to another person, and she wasn’t even sure if that was expected. In the end, she removed her hanbok and all the accessories and layers until she was left in the long underdress. If all that was expected was just the simple coupling, she could stay most comfortable this way and not have to worry about exposing too much of herself in all ways.

She parted the drapes and slipped into the bed. The comforter had already been turned down by some anticipatory servant, and when she put her hands to the sheets, she found they’d been warmed, too. Naran climbed under the covers and pulled the sheet high up on her waist. She wondered if she should lay down, but she wasn’t convinced her spine would allow her at the moment.

“You may enter,” she called softly in a voice that did not sound like her own.

Candlelight splintered the silken cocoon through the crack when the prince slipped inside, and the second the drape cascaded back into place, their little universe seemed to unmoor from reality. It was dark within, not pitch thanks to the halo of light that made it over the canopy frame but enough that she could only make out a silhouette of her husband in her periphery.

Neither of them risked looking at the other.

Hyungwon cleared his throat and announced louder, “Come in.”

His words rebounded off the curtains with the same drama of a thunder rumble, and Naran was just as shaken.

They heard the door open and two pairs of feet walk into the room. She had no idea who was out there, but she knew she wouldn’t hear them leave until the royal obligation was fulfilled.

The couple sat in silence for a long minute before Hyungwon finally turned to look at her. “This is awkward, isn’t it?”

Through the dim light, Naran found his one-sided, dopey smile and rallied the courage to breathe again.

“It is,” she agreed.

They kept their voices low to protect what was left of their privacy, but it had the ill-intended effect of making the prince’s voice deep and raspy. Vaguely, Naran remembered the voices and sounds of the other men she’d been with, but they hadn’t sounded like this. Hyungwon sounded like sin itself.

“Shall I call for a drink?” he asked.

“I’ve had more than enough wine, thank you.”

“Very well. If you want, we can talk for a bit while we relax?”

Naran shook her head. “I’d rather not.”

“You just want to get it over with…” he concluded, and the richness in his voice flattened with his words. At last, she looked at him head-on. He was staring at his hands in his lap, tracing one of the pomegranates embroidered on the ceremonial wedding night comforter. “It’s okay. I get it. It’s been a very long day, and it must be especially overwhelming for you.”

“Yes, but…” Naran trailed off and he looked up, his eyes even bigger in the darkness. She let out a frustrated sigh. “How do I say this? Even if all those things are true…”

Hyungwon leaned into her words. As close as they had to be sharing his bed, it felt like he was already inside of her.

“…my body still responds to you.”

She had said it at last, and now that it was out, the princess wished she could gobble it back up. Here was the man who’d taken everything important from her. She should hate him, but instead, she felt magnetized to him. Worse yet, in many ways, the truth was unavoidable: she needed him.

Hesitantly, Hyungwon reached out, his hand resting over hers in her lap.

“You’re ice cold,” he murmured.

From the moment they entered the bedroom and she’d caught a glimpse of the shadowy outline of his luscious lips, her heat had pooled to a single place.

“Sorry.”

But Hyungwon shook his head as he switched to massaging her hands, and they warmed quickly. “All better, see?”

“Thank you,” she mumbled.

He released her hands, and instead, he rested his on her thigh. It didn’t matter that there were two layers of blankets between them—she felt him keenly.

Their eyes met. The temperature in the bed rose exponentially, as did her expectations. Naran could feel it, the shift between them.

His thumb moved along the top of her thigh, strokes so slow that they could either be reassuring or exploratory. Hyungwon smiled at her.

“Would you like a massage? You know, to help you relax?” he suggested.

“That sounds nice.”

Naran swiveled on the bed so that her back was facing him, and she idly braided her hair as she waited with every fiber of her being for his touch.

She felt his breath on her neck first, and the next thing she knew, his mouth was by her ear, whispering, “Leave your hair down please.”

Her hands fell to her lap at once.

“Thank you,” he added and underscored it with a trace of his thumb along the neglected skin behind her ear.

Her gasp was out before she could stop it.

Hyungwon curled his fingers around the base of her neck, his thumbs meeting over her spine. Starting at the base of her skull, he rubbed small circles that had Naran purring already, and gradually, the chill of her resentment, sadness, and fear turned to kindling for the match he’d just struck.

From there, his thumbs traveled in unison down her spine to the base of her neck, over and over again, at last parting so his hands could sweep over her shoulders. He gripped her there, pressing gently into her stiff muscles. It was easy for him to find the tension there, but with each wave of the prince’s hands, Naran’s spine softened until he stopped altogether.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

Whispering again, Hyungwon said, “You’re pressed up against me. I can’t move.”

The princess tipped forward, her cheeks hot and her back cold now that it wasn’t conformed to her husband.

“It might help if you lie down,” he suggested.

At this point, if she didn’t, Naran would probably collapse, so she squirmed under the sheets further as she rested her head on the pillow and stared blankly at the ceiling. The warmth of the wine made her limbs feel heavy while, at the same time, it made her mind feel lighter.

Hyungwon chuckled, and her head snapped toward him as did her voice, “What’s so funny?”

“I figured you would lay on your stomach, but I’m happy to oblige either way.”

“Should I roll over?”

Hyungwon raised his brows as he looked down at her. “Are you comfortable?”

“Yes.”

“Then don’t bother, my lady. This way, I get to see your pretty face.”

Naran scoffed at him. “You’re very good at getting what you want, aren’t you?”

“Am I?” But she could tell by the tone of his voice that he knew it to be true. “What is it I want then, Princess?”

She considered him from her pillow. Hyungwon knelt beside her looking every bit as royal and penitent as he should, but not his eyes. In his eyes, Naran saw mischief.

“Nothing that I can say out loud in the presence of other ears,” she replied.

This time when he laughed, Hyungwon tipped to the side almost like a boy instead of the heir incumbent to a massive and feared empire.

“You’re a very clever woman, Princess Naran.”

“And you’re a terrible royal, Prince Hyungwon.” He frowned at first, but she smiled coyly. “I’ve never heard of a prince letting his princess set the pace on their wedding night.”

He watched his hands sail up her bare arms onto her shoulders as he said, “I did promise you that we could be different.”

“You did,” she murmured as those wonderfully dexterous fingers of his worked at the muscles along her collarbone.

Naran let her eyes drift shut as the subtle warmth of the prince’s strength spread through her. She felt heated from inside out, and it parted her lips for a series of soft sighs. Hyungwon’s hands flattened across the top of her chest, his thumbs dipping into the recesses at her collarbone as the tips of his fingers slipped under the edge of her gown. They traveled underneath her straps, and, gently, he slid them toward her shoulders. Her eyes fluttered open, and she found her husband's exquisite face a hair’s breadth away from her own.

“Princess,” he said softer than the down in the pillow.

Naran’s throat ran dry, and she wet her lips.

Hyungwon dipped to close the last of the distance between them, but she pivoted her head on the pillow at the last second. His hands released her at once, and she shivered under the sheets.

“No kissing on the mouth,” she said.

“Why not?” he asked. It was a borderline whine.

“Kissing leads to feelings, and feelings lead to dependence.”

“But I’m a good kisser,” Hyungwon insisted, his eyelids heavy and his bottom lip parted so plump and inviting that Naran almost gave in, but she had to stand as rooted as a tree if she stood any hope of holding the prince to his premarital promise.

“Kiss your serving lasses then. This isn’t a romance, my lord; it’s an obligation, and while I don’t want us to dread it, I do want to keep our boundaries clear.”

He sighed but nodded.

At a stalemate now, neither seemed sure who should make the next move, but after thwarting his efforts, Naran decided it was her turn, especially since she was the one to impose the hard lines.

“For the throne,” she said, gouging that line unmistakably in granite.

“For the throne,” he echoed. With their understanding now clear between each other, Hyungwon leaned down before stopping once again. “If I can’t kiss your lips, can I at least touch you? It will help, you know…”

Naran nodded numbly, and the prince let out a long, shaky breath. His mouth descended to her neck instead, and at the first brush of his lips, her hands fisted the sheets. It was intense, the way his skin glossed against hers. At first, it was just gentle pecks, sweet and chaste without demand, but after a few of those, Hyungwon’s mouth parted, and the warm flick of his tongue teased a sharp gasp from her. It was nothing, though, to the way he sucked in a little taste of her—just lightly, just briefly—before he moved lower toward the arc where her neck met her shoulder.

Meanwhile, his hands roved along her form, tracing the length of her arm, cupping her neck and then her jaw, or tangling in her loose hair, his nails scraping along her scalp in a way that showered sparks throughout her chest.

“Please, my lady, touch me just a little, too,” he begged.

Why did he have to ask such a thing like that? It made her even more lightheaded and careless than the alcohol.

Naran let her hands wander without thought, and the second they curled around him—one between his massive shoulder blades and the other on the back of his head, Hyungwon collapsed against her, kissing more fervently and knocking the breath right out of her. With no space left between them, it was impossible to ignore his hardness strengthening along the meat of her thigh.

She was losing control far too fast and responding to this veritable stranger far too much. Naran needed to find some footing quickly before she was swept away or she would be at the prince’s mercy forever, and that was the last thing in the world she wanted to happen.

Suddenly, she placed her hands on his shoulders and pushed up. Hyungwon sat back immediately, his eyes wide and black and his lips swollen.

“What?” he stammered.

Naran sat up, too, and stamped down the tremors she felt in her limbs. She kept the line of her mouth as firm as her eyes as she said, “Your turn, my lord. Lie on your back.”

The prince looked at her questioningly, but with a nudge of her chin, he complied. It was quite a sight, looking down on such a handsome, desperate man with his black hair tousled and his tan skin flushed. His broad chest heaved with his deep, expectant panting while he watched her with hooded eyes. Hyungwon wore only a billowing night shirt, so his thin, bare legs stretched to the very end of the ample bed. Toward the hem of his shirt, there was an unmistakable tent that fueled the heat between Naran’s legs to unbearable degrees.

She straddled his legs, and the heady scent of arousal flooded their den. Hyungwon swallowed loudly.

“It is expected that I’m on top,” he insisted, though there was no bite to his words, only a current of trembling excitement.

“Sire, didn’t you just get through telling me this whole marriage is predicated on us not following others’ expectations? Now, let me have my way. Besides,” Naran said with a cocky smirk, “I promise a lazy prince like you will like it.”

Her husband loosely held her waist then, keeping her hovering just above his thighs much to her growing frustration.

“I can feel—” Hyungwon stuttered. “Ah, I can feel your heat from here.”

“Against all reason, my lord, my body demands you,” she admitted sheepishly.

Slowly, Naran’s fingers glazed his mid-thigh, where his shirt rested, and at the brush of her fingertips against the muscle there, they both jolted. Hyungwon let out a shaky breath. A little higher, she trekked, her nails tickling enough that it left him visibly twitching. Her thumb brushed against his covered length, and she sucked in a sharp breath while a groan spilled up from the pit of his stomach.

When he came down from the sensation, the prince met her gaze. He licked his bottom lip before he said, “Do you feel how my body responds to you, too?”

Naran nodded absent-mindedly. Her attention was far too consumed with the tantalizing secret beneath his shirt, and gently, she pushed it up.

Despite her few dalliances, the princess had never seen a man’s sex up close. Her trysts had been short-lived and ill-lit, and even though the light was soft here, too, Hyungwon was in perfect focus. His manhood strained in all its glory, tall and proud and wet at its tip. Thanks to his intense hardness, each ridge was defined and underscored by a long, pulsing vein.

Naran didn’t even realize she’d been gnawing on her lip until her skin began to shred.

“I’m getting a little embarrassed here, Princess,” Hyungwon grumbled under her scrutiny, and she blinked hard to shed her hypnosis.

Her fingertips wavered, but at last, she indulged in her first skim along her husband’s length. The prince sucked in a breath, his massive wingspan arching off the bed, while Naran marveled at how soft skin could feel over something so rigid. It was like satin draped over marble.

“Give me more,” he begged.

Hyungwon’s eyes were shut, as though he couldn’t handle more than one sense at a time, or perhaps he only wanted to indulge in one. Either way, pride or not, Naran didn’t feel like playing shy any longer. She was beyond keyed up, her sex now throbbing insistently for attention. Whatever else came tomorrow, tonight, nature demanded satisfaction.

She wrapped her hand around his base to position him as she needed. Hyungwon uttered something dark in Goryeon, and though she had no idea what it meant, the ragged throat clear on the other side of the curtain told her it was something never said in a palace.

Naran knew if she wanted to maintain the boundaries she spoke of, she should get this over with, but it was impossible to be reasonable when she wanted something so ardently.

Pushing up onto her knees, she hiked up her nightgown to the top of her thighs. Hyungwon sat up on his elbows, eyes straining to the shadows beneath the fabric, but his view was veiled, and he crashed back onto the pillow with a frustrated groan and another curse she didn’t understand.

Instead, Naran dragged his swollen, leaking head along her seam as much to prepare him to enter her as it was to savor the little fireworks of pleasure that ignited within her at every swipe, but abruptly, he stilled her wrist.

“You have to stop,” he ordered. “I can't— It's— If you don't put it inside you right now, Princess, it will all be wasted!”

Naran was stunned. She hadn’t thought twice about teasing him since Hyungwon was known around the realms to be a man of experience, but it was hard to form words when she knew he was losing control because of her.

With a simple yes, she angled up her tight entrance, nestled his tip just inside it, and after a deep breath, Naran sank to his hilt.

It had been too long since she had bedded anyone, but it wouldn’t matter if it had only been yesterday. Prince Hyungwon was different.

The stretch was otherworldly. The depth was mind-emptying. The heat was exhilarating. Together, their eyes slammed shut against the sensory overload.

“Do not move,” he warned, his hands fastened like vices on her waist.

His head lolled on the pillow, his brow scrunched and a snarl on his lips, as he calmed down. Eventually, his grip loosened enough that his hands slid to her covered thighs and kneaded them slowly. When he opened his eyes, Hyungwon found his wife looking back.

“Does it hurt, my lady?”

Naran smiled and folded down toward his ears, her breasts flattening against his chest under the thin chemise. Lips to his ear, she whispered, “It did the first time.”

“I’m—” Hyungwon glanced toward the curtains that surrounded the bed and lowered his voice even further. “I’m not your first?”

“Nor the second, so don’t worry on that account.”

He was frozen in shock, and Naran had to take pity on him. She imagined that was rarely talked about in a court, if ever, and certainly not when it came to halo-wearing princesses.

She curled down his body a bit further, shifting him inside her, and both of them let out chaste little groans, enough to no doubt perk the ears of their observers but, more importantly, each other. Naran pressed a kiss to her prince’s throat, but he was still too surprised to move.

“Come now, my prince. I know I’m not your first either. We can be free with each other. After all, we’re in this together. If we have to do this, let us have a little fun.”

Hyungwon’s ears were crimson along with his cheeks, and combined with his swollen lips and sweaty throat, it was truly a sight to behold. For once, he could not look at her.

“I thought—” he spluttered.

“You thought what?”

“I thought it wasn’t necessary for the lady to have fun in order to make a child.”

Naran almost laughed, but he was struggling enough with the shift in power, and she liked the feeling of how hard his length was inside her. She didn’t want to trouble his mind any further.

“It’s not, my prince, but it’s also not very fair that you would get all the pleasure and I nothing, is it?”

“I never wanted that. I just— I thought you might want this to be over as soon as possible,” he confessed. “I didn’t want to help myself to more of you than you would allow.”

Naran might have been having a little fun at the prince’s expense, but something about his consideration for her brought a seriousness to the moment that surprised her. Her body’s reaction surprised her even further as her walls constricted. Hyungwon bit his lip to fight back a moan while his nails scratched at the meat of her hips, which only made her that much tighter for him. She needed to regain her control quickly before this became about something more than sex.

“I’ll allow it, my lord.”

The prince looked up at her with eyes so full of reverence, or maybe it was gratitude, that her mouth went dry.

Naran busied her fingers at the collar of his undershirt, toying with the loose strings there because it was much safer to shift her attention to anything other than his gaze. Softly, she asked, “Do you know how to make a woman feel good?”

His eyes widened and then narrowed. “Is that a challenge?”

“Mm.”

“I don’t take those lightly, princess,” Hyungwon said, his voice perilously gruff. Even the way he’d said her title had changed from respectful to something decidedly more intimate. An unexpected gauntlet had been thrown down, one that even a lazy prince such as himself could hardly refuse.

At his warning, goosebumps peppered her arms, and when he noticed, his hands switched from her waist and soothed them from wrist to shoulder. Naran had never paid in-depth attention to Hyungwon’s hands before, but watching the way his incredibly long fingers splayed over her skin made her feel very, very funny.

“You’re shaking,” he observed, and his hands pressed more reassuringly into her muscles. “Are you nervous?”

“That’s not it…”

Their eyes met. Hyungwon sat up suddenly and wrapped his arms around her back for support, and Naran could feel every fingertip desperate to possess as much of her as his huge hands could manage. She gasped, and, with the spell broken, the prince placed kisses along the column of her neck down to her shoulder, where his fingers unhooked the clasps on her underdress down to her waist. Hesitantly, he parted the bodice and exposed her soft breasts to the increasingly warm bedroom sanctum.

“Wow,” murmured the prince as he leaned back to take in her body. “You are incredibly beautiful. I’ve never…”

Hyungwon trailed off as his hands wandered over her sun-worshipped flesh. The skin there was already attentive and sensitive, but with each touch, the ache in her nipples increased. At last, his glorious mouth closed around the first bud and suckled with lewd appreciation for their pertness.

It was true Naran was experienced in many ways of pleasure-seeking, but something about the way Hyungwon adored her breasts made it feel like the first time. She arched into his mouth, and his hand was quick to slither around her and press her further and deeper into him.

He devoured her deliberately, a little here, a little there, while her body held his manhood warm and safe. Through the red haze of pleasure, she felt him stir inside her as he grew hungrier, and the more his tongue chased that need, the more anxious the rest of his body became. His hips struggled in vain beneath her, but Naran held him in place. Hyungwon’s breaths became shorter and more ragged as his frustration mounted.

“They’ll grow impatient, my lady,” he hissed with an eye toward the curtains.

“Then they can leave,” she retorted.

“I’m impatient.”

At this, Naran raised an eyebrow. “I suppose that is another matter, sire. Finish what you started then.”

With a sigh of relief, Hyungwon hooked a finger beneath the strap of his wife’s dressing gown and slipped it down her arm. He repeated his motions on the other strap, leaving the dress helpless against gravity. The garment puddled at their hips, and were it not for the thick drapes encasing them, the princess would have been exposed to all eyes in the room. The thought was as terrifying as it was exhilarating.

“You’re getting louder,” said the prince. “You enjoy this, don’t you—the audience?”

Drunk on ecstasy and the prince’s unfiltered attention, Naran’s lips were far too loose. “Mm, yes. I want them to go back to their rooms hard and deeply unsatisfied.”

Hyungwon moaned roughly, heedless of the unseen company. “I’ll bet they wish they were in here instead. But they’re not. They can’t be.”

Suddenly, his hands latched onto his wife’s shoulders and forced her deeper down onto his manhood. Naran’s head tipped back and let out a yelp of surprise followed by a whimper of pleasure.

“I’m the one inside you,” Hyungwon asserted right beside her ear.

The princess burrowed her forehead into his collar and rocked in his lap, her knees tight to his side. It was impossible not to quiver when he held her this close.

“I felt that,” the prince said through heavy panting, “the way you squeezed me. You feel incredible, princess.”

Naran rose up a little higher this time and sank back down firmly, and they both moaned. “I do?”

“Better than anything I’ve ever felt.”

Her walls tightened again at his praise, and she rocked a little harder against him. Their sexes met in a wet grind, each sweep of her hips adding friction to her most sensitive places, but as good as that felt, she wanted more. Besides, his embrace was suffocating.

Naran placed her hands on his shoulders and pushed Hyungwon back to the mattress. His head hit the pillow, and when he looked up at his wife, he looked intoxicated by her. There it was again, that dopey smile paired with a slow blink and flushed cheeks. He was too beautiful this way, and the princess had to look away.

She shifted her attention instead to her knees and focused on building a rhythm of rising up and down on his length. At her first full stroke from tip to base, Hyungwon grunted followed by something that almost sounded like a whimper.

“My lady…” he cooed.

The prince’s hands sailed up her figure to her breasts, adoring them with gentle brushes and playful tweaks of her nipples before moving to her waist to help her rise and fall on his manhood.

“You’re right,” he said, “I am enjoying this.”

“I can tell, sire.” Naran drew a hand over her belly, pressing back against the incredible hardness that was splitting her wide open. Her head lolled back as a sigh bubbled up. “So hard…”

But as good as he felt, the longer she rode him, her thighs began to burn and her pace fell away. She didn’t want to sacrifice her control, but she wanted faster and harder, and her well had been so tapped from the day, that she knew she couldn’t make it.

Hyungwon read her easily or perhaps he just needed the same, so his grip on her waist seized her in place mid-air. When Naran looked back at him, gone was the patient prince with the soft eyes, replaced instead with a man of dark needs who was hell-bent on having them satisfied.

“My turn,” he said, and a second later, his hips thrust up from the bed to drive his member into her at breakneck speed.

Naran was unprepared for the overabundance of stimulation that came with this new momentum. Her head tipped back and her mouth opened, but nothing came out but frantic breaths.

Unlike her, her husband showed no signs of slowing down. His grip on her was bruising as his pistoning became more emphatic. A fire was building quickly in her walls as an overwhelming sensation took hold of her.

She was going to scream.

She could feel it in her throat the way the lid on a boiling pot chattered. The pleasure was too intense, and she gripped his hips hard to stop him because something about letting go felt like giving in, and she was terrified of just the thought.

“Wait! Wait!” she demanded in the tatters of a whisper. “Just give me a second.”

Sweat dripped from Hyungwon’s brow and along the curve of his jaw. His eyes were frenzied and his lips tight, but he nodded. “Just let me know when I can move again.”

The desperation in his voice broke her, and even though Naran had chased away the pressure in her hips, his hunger for her body threatened to set her back on the precipice instantly.

“Go, go,” she urged.

Hyungwon took her at top pace immediately, and even though she had stopped herself from an obscene scream, the wetness between her legs announced her depravity to every invisible pair of ears beyond the curtains. Her chest reddened and her eyes winched tight, and as her husband barreled into her, she choked back the urge to call his name.

“I can’t hold back any longer,” the prince said through gritted teeth.

“Give it to me,” Naran begged, and he did.

A foreign warmth flooded her core with a chaser that felt strangely like drunkenness. She teetered on his hips, ready to pull off, but Hyungwon pulled her against his chest and used her imbalance to push up with one leg and roll them over. Naran blinked up with clouded eyes at the sweaty face of her husband.

“You can—”

Hyungwon shook his head. “I should probably stay just a little bit longer, you know, to… encourage our efforts to take?”

The princess nodded dumbly. With what was left of her senses, she ordered her hands to stay on the bed instead of wrap around the prince’s back like they seemed determined to do.

“I’m not crushing you, am I?” he asked.

Hyungwon's chest flattened to hers, and part of Naran wished his bare skin could kiss hers back because somehow, despite how gentle and accommodating he’d been all night, she still felt used. Something scratched at the back of her mind that maybe that wasn’t exactly it, but it was safer to lean into that interpretation, so she did.

“It’s fine,” she said.

A shiver tore through the prince, and before she could stop her gut reaction, her arms hugged him. A smile bloomed on his face. Naran dropped her hands back to the mattress and rolled her head, red-faced, away from him.

“Sorry,” said Hyungwon. “Just a little chill.”

She mumbled her indifference even though a shiver of her own threatened to overtake her, but a twitch of his length inside her distracted her instead. A little moan escaped her lips, and she could feel Hyungwon’s eyes burning into her profile, so she closed her own to avoid it.

“Are you okay?” he asked now. His voice remained in its raspy whisper, and Naran could feel his breath on her neck. Her body was still balking at her for running from its desired release, and again, her walls contracted around him. He shifted inside her, burrowing just a little deeper at her core’s insistence, and she knew she had to put some distance between them before she couldn’t.

“Getting a little hot,” she replied, which seemed like a fair enough answer considering how suffocated she was by his looming presence and how blatantly needy she still was.

There was no disguising the flat disappointment in the prince’s voice as he acknowledged her words. Before he pulled out, he gave one subtle rut of his hips into hers, as if willing as much of his seed to stay inside her as possible, though when, at last, they separated, it rushed out filthy and insistent. Naran grabbed a blanket for modesty and rolled onto her side, squeezing her thighs shut and blotting their mess into an indecent exclamation.

“I’ll be right back,” Hyungwon added as he donned a robe.

A sudden gust of fresh, cool air swirled about the stuffy space as the prince parted the curtains just wide enough to slip his head through. Naran caught a glimpse of one of the witnesses through the crack. He was a short, middle-aged man with small eyes made smaller by heavy lids. The servant did not look at the prince as Hyungwon said through still-rickety breaths, “It is done. You may go.”

“Forgive me, Your Highness,” said the attendant with suspiciously tremulous breath, “but I must wait the customary hour.”

“You may wait it outside then. I will remain here.”

“Oh?” the other man said, shocked, before he remembered his decorum. The servant tried to keep his rigid posture, but the unexpected conflict made him waver. “I am under the Emperor’s orders, Your Highness.”

“We will say nothing on this matter, Seojun. The other side of the door is no different to you than if you stayed put, but it makes a great deal of difference to my wife, so please do as I ask.”

He and the other servant slipped through the door with flushed cheeks, leaving the couple alone on the bed.

Hyungwon flopped back onto the mattress. “Sorry about that. I shall have Hansol talk to the staff about manners.”

“It’s fine,” Naran said with a little laugh, but as she shifted, it morphed into a cringe at the stickiness coating her thighs. “I know I must lay here a bit in hopes that things will take, but could you fetch me a cloth so I’m more comfortable?”

Hyungwon slipped into his robe and then disappeared through the bed curtains before he returned with a damp rag from the wash basin. Instead of handing it to her, he eased her legs apart and mopped along the inside of her thighs. Fear of judgment at being seen so naked and so filthy faded as the coolness of the water brought soothing relief.

“Is that all right?” he asked.

“More than,” Naran assured. “That’s never happened before, having a man finish inside me. It’s very new.”

Hyungwon nodded, though it was accompanied by a funny knit to his brow that she couldn’t read. “I’m sorry if it’s unpleasant.”

She stared into her husband’s dark eyes since she was not allowed to move from her back for the next hour. “No, it’s— I liked it.”

The prince let out a shaky breath. “Is it—is it okay if I admit I liked everything about what we just did?”

“I liked it, too,” she said quietly.

Her stomach tightened a notch until Naran almost felt nauseous.

“You know, you don’t have to stay,” she suggested. It was true, but the moment the words were out of her mouth, she wished she hadn’t said them.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“You may stay if you wish.”

The cloth was still against her thigh, and his thumb pressed noticeably but perhaps accidentally against her folds. Hyungwon narrowed those beautiful eyes as he studied her. “Do you want me to leave?”

Naran was definitely queasy now. She shook her head a little and turned her attention back to the canopy. “No, my prince.”

“Mm,” he said throatily.

Maybe that thumb wasn’t so accidental after all. It traveled up the part in her folds before Hyungwon withdrew the cloth and rolled back over to stare at the ceiling, too.

“I should have asked earlier, but how are you feeling about today?”

“I’m not sure I know.”

Hyungwon didn’t move. He stared unblinking for a while before he collected enough of his thoughts to ask, “Was the ceremony bad?”

“Just… not something I ever pictured for myself. Not bad though. I’ll just have to get used to it.”

“I’m sorry.”

Naran was not supposed to move, but the shock of the prince’s words twisted her onto her elbow to study him. “Sorry for what?”

“I wish I could go back and undo things.”

“To what end, my lord? I know I already told you I would never forgive you, but also, I would have had my freedom only so long as it took your father to invade my country.”

Hyungwon sighed. “Still, I’m sorry. I regret it.”

Naran couldn’t even kid herself—that stung her pride. She sagged back into the mattress, her hands squeezing the soft swells of her stomach.

“I regretted it the moment I saw you on the terrace this morning. You were so stunning, and I thought, ‘I’ve taken her from every man forever.’”

But he didn’t sound sad or sorry anymore. He sounded pleased.

Naran wanted to remind him of their pact to not interfere in each other’s affairs, but lying next to him in their matrimonial bed after an admittedly pleasurable encounter, it felt unnecessary. She didn’t mind if, for now, he wanted to feel like a victor reveling in his spoils. Looking over at his gentle smile gilded by candlelight, Naran felt rather spoiled, too. With her pride intact, she gazed at the canopy and let herself sink into the heaviness of exertion and the warm, swimming feeling of pleasure.

[ilkkawhat]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 🤍

aw 🥺 thanks for sending this to me

Half Past Midnight: My first fic I wrote after a...idk how many years it was hiatus, right at the start of me falling back in love with CSI again and creating things for it; I took such a deep dive into Nick's head and part of what I did in writing this was watching only Nick's parts on a loop, in the dark, with headphones on and I distinctly remember a point where it really got to me and I gasped for air and spooked my dog (don't worry he was okay just startled lol) It was also the first fic I started playing around and including my own headcanons in there

Last Breath: I just...have a lot of good memories from writing this fic. It was probably the most interactive, like I would go so far as to say it was almost even like a collaboration because so many people pitched ideas (the idea for the fic as a whole was straight up handed to me on a silver platter) and made the fic better for it, and I also really got to know my Stokes children OCs in doing this fic--I did do a handful of fics for them before this, but I feel like I really hammered down who they were and it won't be the last fic on this list but I do also have the sequel (First Flight) to use as a chance to cover things I missed in the first one and explore more universe altering headcanons. It was also my first like, longer fic at around 64k word count wise, and right now my longest completed fic lol

Atrophy: I swear this list I'm just going off of fics that I have distinct memories of attachment to; this one I started writing on my way to a wedding and brought back an OC I created back when I was a teenager. After the wedding I had to go to this university for a class paid for by my job and I spent the car rides there and back brainstorming, and even writing in between classes (and if I recall...even during class at some points shh.) Its sequel Agony is uh, giving me some challenges and I regret a lot of things like maybe pushing it out so fast and then losing steam and wishing I did some things different/toned it down, but Atrophy I still feel mostly good about (though man imagine if I went as hard on it as I am with Agony as long and drawn out as it is lol) and the ficverse as a whole is definitely a favorite of mine

For Your Viewing Pleasure: Surprise, another Grave Danger fic. I wrote this during a pretty rough time and just remember being proud of myself for doing it, and wrote it all within a week and the ideas and words just kept...flowing. It felt like I was truly in my element when I wrote it and helped me remember why I love writing so much.

Specimen Stokes: God I know this fic also went off the rails like Agony did where I worry it became like...too much and should have held back a little (no pun intended) but I will never forget the day I ran out of work to go start writing a one shot in response to an anon who I don't even think technically asked for it as a fic, it was like "choose between these scenarios" and as I started to think about it I just...couldn't help myself. Like Atrophy I have sequels in mind and all sorts of things I want to do and I swear I actually have the rest of this fic installment planned out it's just...writing it lol. And taking the plunge into making it sci-fi and twisting the characters in the AU has been a blast and I feel like a great amount of my creativity has shown through in this fic, the edits and stuff I made for it, and the ideas I have coming up.

[mightbewriting]

Hello! I loved Almost Nothing At All and really enjoyed the way you structured it! Can you tell us about your writing process with it? What was the first part you thought of? How did you end up structuring it the way you did? Hope you’re doing well, and thank you for all the wonderful stories you’ve shared with us! Happy holidays! 💖🎄

omg hi anon! thank you so much! that really means so much. like a stupid amount. because the writing process looked a lil something like this:

to be totally honest, i had a lot of trouble writing for advent this year. i struggled with a lot of internalized pressure to ~get it right~ and not disappoint anyone who nominated me, and i didn't have any immediate bursts of inspiration with my prompts.

so since you asked, i'll walk you through the horror show that was my process this year lol.

the 2022 dhr advent doc has all my brainstorming rando thoughts in it. it's got 1700 words of concepts that didn't grow legs, outlines i didn't ultimately like the direction of, and a lot of me trying to talk myself into liking at least one idea, any idea. most projects i work on have a doc like this, it's just a brain dump. normally it's more productive and less chaotic though lol.

draft one has a thousand words of a time loop concept that ultimately didn't work out.

draft two is 4700 words of my actual first draft of almost nothing at all. it's in third person (which is relevant in a minute lol) and includes the back and forth structure that's hinged on those bits of dialogue slingshotting draco between his present and his past. the initial inspo for the fic came from the yearning feeling i got listening to conan gray's people watching, and so my brainstorm doc has a section i added to it after my first attempted story idea bombed about capturing that feeling. i ran with that idea, began writing this draft, and then went back to my brainstorming doc and wrote this (which is that ultimately gave this story its structure):

so there was some back and forth for me too figuring out not just my premise, but also my structure. (which are the two essential components to my writing process: what is my story and how am i telling it).

draft three is almost 5k of this fic written in first person. i wasn't feeling like i fully nailed the ~feeling~ i wanted in my first draft, so i tried for an even closer pov. tbh, i did really like this story in first person, but ultimately had to decide if it was doing enough for the narrative to counteract the very real preference against first person story telling in this fandom (once again, not wanting to disappoint the folks who nominated me played a part)

draft four is a the final product you see on ao3 after i got some feedback from all the people who helped convince me it wasn't as bad as my writer neuroses kept telling me it was. with those few changes, i also switched it back into third person. which was a pain.

so then what's draft five? it's 2.5k of Panic Other Fic i wrote the day before advent was due because i still couldn't shake feeling like i didn't land the story how i wanted to (still don't, but i've accepted it lol). i liked it enough that i will post it eventually too, but i didn't end up scrapping my original advent fic bc sounder minds told me to buck up and get over myself (in much nicer words).

all of which is to say, this is probably way more than you asked for, but maybe there's some reassurance to be had for anyone out there struggling with their work. sometimes the process is stupid messy, sometimes it's riddled with self doubt and false starts, and sometimes it never fully comes together the way you want it to in your head. all those things are okay, and none of them negate the value of the thing you actually made. i'm so thrilled folks have enjoyed this fic, perhaps even more so because of the struggle to write it. and even if it's still not exactly what i was imagining, i'm at least trying to appreciate it for what it became and the enjoyment its giving other people!

[simpingwriter]

Cal Kestis x Kyra Yarmot

'Revenge and Redemption:

In the Name of Love'

Pt.2

___________________

Heyyy, Happy May the Fourth to everyone reading this chapter today!

And yeahhhh... I know I said I would take it a bit slower with the second book. But tbh...with me, that's a good sign if i don't. Means I still like writing for these two braincells in a left over Styrofoam Cup – constantly bumping into each other, their only viable source of useable thoughts – and probably won't lose interest (please, great Gods of writer's block, have mercy with me boasting, i love my two fucked up dumbasses! 😭)

P.s: Totally not already a good quarter into Chapter 3...

Kyra meets the Grand Inquisitor for her Initiation. And ofc she immediately wants to fist fight and question authority once more–

Enjoy! :)

Word Count: approx. 3.200 Words

___________________

When the next morning came, something you finally could be sure of again with being on a Planet – well, a moon – and not a stupid ship, Cal was there before Dr. Puloria, eyes starting to shine even brighter then they were already when he finally saw you looking back at him this time.

Four weeks of looking at your motionless, dead-like body, wondering if you would actually wake back up someday…you didn't want to imagine the loop of thoughts the poor boy went through each and every morning with no significant changes being reported by Dr. Puloria or the nurses that took care of you, except that your lacerations from the fall were at least healing.

The Doctor had arrived only a few minutes later, grimacing when she saw the time…did you really sleep for that long?

One could possibly be stupid enough to think that after a four week long karking coma you wouldn't need sleep for a good ass while, that you would wake up more rested than ever. But it was the entire opposite, waking up you felt like you just pulled an all nighter and then some. So it didn't surprise Cal at all when – without any warning from your side – you fell asleep on his explanation the Fort and the work that came from being an Inquisitor now, his voice the most calming thing to your ears after being surrounded by nothing but deafening silence.

He knew that you would listen to him rant any day, but yesterday was just...way too much for you. And once you had everything important of today behind you, you would probably fall asleep right on him again, but he wouldn't mind, especially if you literally fell asleep on him, he always wanted to know what it was like sharing a big bed with someone. His was so cold and empty...

He wouldn't mind even if you fell asleep during him talking about whatever came to mind for another whole week, because now could be sure he would see you again, day for day, week for week, no urgency pushing him to make the most of every second he had left with you…

The first thing Dr. Puloria did, as promised, was cut the thick layers of gauze off of your squeezed in wing. While it at least wasn't cold around it, something you hated – cold wings – it was very uncomfortable. Which became evident when the gauze was finally fully off, revealing a severely crinkled and depressed wing. Like freshly hatched…

"You can move it, don't worry about having to keep it that crumbled up, just be very careful and do not under any circumstance overstretch the membrane for at least another two weeks. The medical soldering is right about here…" 

To say it felt odd having someone else touch your wings than yourself was a plain understatement, but Cal had touched them before as well and it didn't feel so...intrusive, even before you officially began to share an emotional bond. You remember the day when you first let him feel the leathery membranes between the flexible yet hard wing bones, his touch feather light and anxious even though you told him multiple times that his human fingers wouldn't be able to harm them really that much.

Even then his touches already had a weirdly soothing effect on you, especially after your returning nightmares and night terrors…

Was this maybe foreshadowing your eventual bonding?

"Also, after your initiation hearing today is finished and you managed to settle in on the Base, I would really appreciate it if you could find the time to listen to a request of mine, but only if you're alright with that." The older woman threw hastily into the room as she looked for the holopad that held the release forms with your name prewritten on them. What request could she possibly mean?

"I think she means these Research Papers I had to interrupt her about yesterday. She was barely able to contain herself while she had to take your body's measurements for your own uniforms…" Cal sounded incredibly odd at the last sentence, partially swallowing some words he wished to say but then decided not to as he looked at the Doctor with an unreadable expression.

Did he not like seeing her touching you?

"I don't." Cal grumbles quietly, having become much more direct since the last time you really talked – that being on the Mantis after your eventful day on Tatooine – you had to realize as the woman you talked about got slightly but noticeably red at herself being mentioned, "I-I was given the direct Orders to take the measurements of your wings, tail and your feet as they very obviously deviate from the average measurements of any other Imperial Inquisitor." She stated in a rather matter of fact manner, but either way not managing all of it without a stutter at the beginning, clearing up at least some of it.

What it didn't clear up was her excitement, apparent request and the connection to the research papers though. So basically nothing...what a waste of time.

"What is your request then?"

She stops looking for the paper a moment, looking over her shoulder with an expression you could only sort as "embarrassed yet determined".

"Because I want to finish the medical research for the Kaluk, the work of my master and his colleagues…"

The…Kaluk?

All your life, in all these pages and books you read about your kind, your own species…not once had the name Kaluk even been mentioned. So why was she calling you that name?

"Kaluk? I never heard that name for my kind." "Because it was wiped from all history books that have been written recently…that would mean the entirety of the last 30 to 40 cycles. All older ones are either destroyed or in the Empire's care." They even wiped the real name of your people off the face of the Galaxy…they really took everything from them. From you. From everyone that once, a long time ago, listened to that name. It sounded nice...you wish you had known about it earlier.

"Why would they do such a thing?!" You ask back irritated, not at her obviously, but at the Republic once more, further deepening your new found hate for them. They really deserved what came upon them…

"Well, some Scholars, of the Sith of course in that case, came to a very simple yet awful conclusion about that: The conventional approach of naming certain things or a species made them look more...approachable, in the case of the Kaluk, actual living, breathing and intelligent sentient people, taking away their name also took away relatability, the human aspect you and your ancestors all show, some more and some less. That method turned them into mysterious and extinct creatures…"

She even knew about the different sub categories of your ki- the Kaluk…how broad were the research papers of these scholars? Were there only the medical papers left or was there even more to be read about…things you had never heard about yourself?

There must be so many things about you yourself you had never been made aware of, maybe because they didn't want you to know or even because they themselves – despite their huge resource pool available just for research projects alone – never went that deep into your actual Culture themselves. They only saw the profits to be gained on Rhothant and in the Kaluk…

Dr. Puloria stopped the conversation of that subject at that for now, seeing the same problem as Cal when you yourself went to grab his left hand to calm back down, feeling your body begin to tremble. He didn't waste any time to give you exactly what you needed, gently drawing messy circles across the rough skin and scales. It would take ages for you to find peace in this subject as well, maybe you'd even carry this deep dug grudge to your equally deep grave.

"I shouldn't have brought it up right now, my most sincere apologies. I-I...no- Here, please sign these and you're free to go until the next planned check up…" 

It was evident in her rushed words that your sudden change of mood at that piece of information made her feel uncomfortable, but mostly regretful. She knew the extinction of your kind must've been hard, though how should she have known that it troubled you that badly? Nodding at her nearly fumbled statement for the form, you take the holopad from her hands, immediately sensing the slight tremor in them.

Fear.

Now you could also faintly smell it...

She was afraid you would lash out from your increasingly bad mood.

"I'm not mad at you, Doctor." You simply state while signing with your last name, returning the holopad onto her cluttered desk when she didn't react at your attempt of giving it back to her. Your response probably startled her just a bit too much.

Cal's impatient pulling of your hand that had already been in his made it clear though that you had no time to idle your time, for example with making sure you didn't give her the same prey-like fear Greez once upon a time felt near you. Not that you knew of Humans ever having had actual problems regarding your pheromones distinctive to predators.

If anything, Humans were incredibly underdeveloped when it was about scents and pheromones of other species or even their own! They sometimes vaguely noticed them, but never in the obvious way, they were controlled by them subtly, without them ever truly realizing that it was Pheromones that made them act like this or like that.

And then there is Cal. You didn't know if he also didn't directly notices the pheromones…but it was obvious on him, though maybe only for you as his mate? To you, he was visible even with your eyes closed, he pretty was unmistakable to your sensitive smell with this almost overpowering sweetness and near aromatic waves of male pheromones coming from every pore. No cologne could challenge what he smelled like to you...like your personal heaven.

You loved the way they enveloped your senses, just like his hugs. They gave you this feeling of safety you never had before. And everytime you lost this feeling for too long, you already felt the madness and fear reaching their claws into your mind.

"I love you, Cal…" the words left your lips unexpectedly as he guided you down the halls of the new base, your new…home. It stopped him from his quick and wide steps, his golden eyes watching yours – and the emotions hidden within – closely as his mouth hung open ever so slightly before turning into an inviting smile, his left arm wrapped even tighter around your waist now. "I love you too, Dragonfly and always will." He sealed his renewed confession with a long kiss, lips burning up against yours before he parts from you once more with a heavy sigh. 

Right…you're both wasting time with your sentimental needs right now. And you would have enough time later on for all kinds of loving or intimate gestures, especially for all the times you missed out on that possibility with your unfortunate time-out.

"Don't worry, I am certain he will make the initiation quick. The Grand Inquisitor has been very busy in the last few days from what I have heard. After that, you will be given a room and you'll have some time to…let everything sink in. I know that I needed it, despite me having been prepared for everything…in the end i was grateful for the buffering time you're getting." He shook you two's interaction off for the sake of not becoming late – despite it being almost painful to disappoint both of you – going down a vague list of what would happen today, not once letting go of your side as you walked further, at least wanting to give you his physical touch as he knew thanks to your thoughtsthat you yearned for it badly. No more hiding…it almost made you want to jump at him instead of just kissing him.

After ten minutes of similar looking dark corridors and bridges – "You're gonna have to grow used to that..." – you stand in front of two impressive double doors. Not ceiling high but quite obviously different from the rest, letting it be known that behind these doors, something important lies. They made him restless though, his black and red gloves fixing his grip on your waist every few seconds before he finally got a grip on the situation and made both of your presences known by knocking loudly.

What gave him the reason to act so off?

"What might come…that's what." He answered as quiet as a whisper as the doors slid open with a hiss, granting the two of you access. The room was more like a hall. A throne room, but more useful, like of a military commander in the end. And for the first time in your life you were in the same room as eleven…twelve…alive Inquisitors. All breathing and staring you down quietly as they awaited their master to speak…

The Grand Inquisitor.

You had heard very few things of the Pau'an himself, unlike the many tales of people encountering Inquisitors – plus your own – had but you were always been aware that he apparently existed, commanding those below him. 

And now, he also sat while the others stood, on a big chair towards the far back of the middle. While the others were just staring at you, he tried to probe you with his gaze, you felt his attempts at going even further but blocked any of them with ease. From his perspective, it was probably just Cal and maybe – if you're lucky – Trilla who talked about your desire to join. The others either didn't know you or if they did…well, they would only see the Jedi Scum in you. Nothing else.

The only thing that held them back from trying to decapitate you was that they most likely have been informed about an "Initiation" today. That there was a Jed- Force Sensitive on Nur that switched sides.

You didn't even want to call yourself Jedi anymore, feeling grimy about that name and their religion after you heard what they helped the Republic with, even with their whole peace keeling agenda. All for some Kyber Crystals they couldn't even use like regular ones…the Crystals choose their Owner, never other way.

"Greeting, Grand Inquisitor!" Cal shouts loud enough to reach the ears of the grey older man, relief washing over him as you caught onto his body movements without his help and kneeled down alongside him. Praise the Connection you two had, once again.

"I brought you the girl who renounced her loyalty to the Jedi four weeks ago." He sounded pragmatic and logical in his choosing of words, a total difference to your Cal that usually lets his heart talk. You had known that he most likely had been put under special physical training to become an Inquisitor, but you didn't expect this of everything possible.

"Very well, Eleventh Brother, join the others."

What? You're supposed to talk for yourself? Alone, in front of them all!? Well that isn't going to end well, you can't control your mouth like Cal now apparently!

Cal, while he definitely heard your panicked thoughts, the begs for him to stay with you, couldn't stay any second longer than needed, giving you one last reassuring nod and squeeze on your shoulder before he did as he was told, standing back up and finding himself next to Trilla, who was wearing her helmet – making reading her emotions difficult...but not impossible if needed.

But she was probably going to be indifferent to whatever happened to you, your potential death due to your big mouth wouldn't mean the end of her world. 

Not that you would let yourself get killed that easily. If needed, you would fight them all to the ground and they would learn that sooner or later. At least once they also pulled you into physical training.

"Rise, Kyra Yarmot." You did, straightening your back on instinct, wincing at your neck brace protesting and pushing against said sensitive neck. But you had to come through with this, this is all it took to be at Cal's side. All it took…

"How come that we get two Jedis renouncing their loyalty in such a short span of time? Nonetheless two that very evidently know each other better?" Oh that sounds…like an accusation. 

Accusations never end well.

Okay, it's easy, Kyra, just tell them exactly what moved your decision, you have absolutely no reason to lie or to make things up, you got your reasons! "I found out about the Republic's dishonorable and dishonest deeds on Rhothant. I have been lied to all my life and…I…I can't no longer serve under their name, especially not the Jedi." He slowly nodded at your own explanation of the last events, before noticing something on your face it seems, just like Cere before him. It made him squint, deviating from his stiff posture when his head tilted in confusion. Unlike Cere, it did not anger him. It merely seemed to further fuel his intrigue.

"How come your exceptionally quick change of heart? Explain…"

Didn't you just tell him that, was this grey pebble hard of hearing? Deaf perhaps? You didn't want to talk anymore about it than needed!

What are you supposed to explain?! How they killed them by letting them work to total exhaustion? Abused them? Let everything important about their whole existence that made them who they were just vanish like that or how they lied to you about this For. All. These. Years?!

They bathed themselves in innocence while your people DIED for their insufferable greed!

'Kyra! Please! Calm down!'

Cal's thoughts passed you for a second, breaking the spell you put on your own mind as you heard yourself, speaking your thoughts out loud it seems, your voice not sounding like your own as you sounded more like a beast growling its threats than anything else.

But that reaction…it further looked like it pleased the Grand Inquisitor, as he intently watched your…eyes?

While your still injured body had to work with the sudden spur of buried emotions shooting back up, chest heaving and hot steam puffing out from your mouth with every heavy breath you took, the other Inquisitors' stares…changed. Even with their helmets on, you could feel them on you still yet not as harsh as before.

"Anger festers inside of you…but unlike with others, while your body doesn't fight it, it also can't take full influence over your actions, nor does it have a big effect on your appearance. Very interesting…so the old knowledge of the Kaluk hasn't been lying…"

Old knowledge? Does he also speak of research papers?

You're not given any time to think about his words as two Purge Troopers walked to your side, grabbing your upper arms tightly. Did they not know what kind of danger they just got themselves into just by approaching you? In this state of yours?

"Shall we bring her to the chamber now, Grand Inquisitor?" 

C-chamber? They must be speaking of…n-no! No! You're not letting them scramble and rewire your brain, you're working and thinking perfectly fine! You're here on your own free will and haven't been captured! 

Cal's eyes widened as he gasped in shock, but he knew too well that he wasn't allowed to intercept the Troopers either as they tried to drag you away from your current spot in the massive hall. His inner pain was deafening to you like a visible scream, he didn't know why this was happening either.

Putting emphasis on the word 'tried', the Purge Troopers struggling hopelessly as you used your still naked feet to your advantage, their sharp digging into the metal floor with worrying ease. It wasn't hard to escape their grasps fully a few seconds later, the sudden snapping back of your neck drawing an angry, deep shriek from your lips as you glared at them, silently daring them to try it a second time, opening your curled hands to show off your claws as a warning. "Kyra Yarmot, are you having second feelings now, of all times? Because I am sure the Inquisitors can help…choose…for you."

Like hell you were having second feelings, you're here on your own free will, you're not going to let them ruin your freedom like this, not when you're in arms length! You're not going to become mindless puppet, you're a soldier with thoughts, just like your ancestors were! They wouldn't want anything else from their possibly last surviving genes...

"Don't even think a second time about strapping me to your awful torture chair, if you have second thoughts about my loyalty, I will do the needed things to prove myself on other ways!" Otherwise you would give them a taste of what you're capable of!

Once more, you feel it surging inside of you, flowing like a violent network of rivers…your physical wounds exhausted you too much to have a tight enough control over your Connection to the Force. If they edged you on any longer…

You saw the sparks slowly starting to form and the heavy smoke weaving around you in the air, a sure sign for yourself to calm back down…Cal was in this room, he would die alongside them if you weren't able to hold on.

And the Grand Inquisitor had to have been feeling it too, grunting...pleased, "Troopers! Stand aside immediately! Do. NOT. Touch. Her!"

You could've electrocuted their equipment with a simple touch, in turn roasting them inside their armored black shells. How did he know about that…

"This was a test, you can relax…Twelfth Sister."

Then, a laugh. Not a kind or heart warming one, a sinister one, like a madman that achieved his plan. When the caught him self shortly after, the Troopers walking back to their positions at the door and the Inquisitors all relaxed once more, multiple already having had their hands ready to ignite their weapons, he began to speak once more...

A TEST?! Even Jedi school had less shitty tests than this one, you could've blown everything up if he would've let them go on like this without knowing your limits!

But wait…did he just call you Twelfth Sister?

"That means you passed. You're no use to the Empire without your species' naturally strong connection to the Dark side and your own raw emotions. No synthetic emotion could challenge whatever it is that is fueling your strengths deep inside…though you two's existence could potentially be breaking an ages old Rule…"

He mentioned Cal, which made you look for him on reflex. Panic wanted to light up in your head when he was no longer next to Trilla, never mind her, she was no longer there either!

"I hope you're more willing to gather your bearings at their sides? We already had to fix the Hull once because of…someone…almost over half a cycle ago." There would've more than a karking hole, old man. There can be no hole if there is no longer a foundation for said hole!

Has nobody ever told him to keep his hands off the stove as a child, to not play with fire?

"It's okay, Kyra, you're alright…nobody is getting reconditioned today…well, of those in this room at least." He hushed your thoughts, carefully beginning to inch closer with each gentle touch on your skin as he wasn't wearing armor filled with electrical equipment, hoping he could leave this room as soon as possible. He didn't like it's atmosphere at all, especially with a literal time bomb like you right in the middle of it...

But there was one more thing you needed to tell the irritating pebble of a man back there, calmed down yet or not.

"In that case, I got my first request, Grand Inquisitor."

"Voice it then, Twelfth Sister, but make it quick."

Well, they couldn't say much more than no, so you should ask no rather than later.

"I wish to share my rooms with the Eleventh Brother..."

Deafening silence…

___________________

[ditzyanimebitch]

a message i'll never send but i've written a thousand times

Hey, this is my name. I know we haven’t talked in a long time and I don’t want you to read this and think I am trying to rekindle any friendship between us because I’m done with trying that, I think too much has happened and we are just two very different people. You don’t have to answer or even read this, I’m not even sure if I want you to or not. A memory from Vancouver came up and it made me reflect on some stuff and there was a lot of stuff I never got to say because I just wanted the conversation to be over at the time, also sorry this is long and mostly me rambling.

To start, I had never wanted to make a whole fuss of your birthday, honestly it was never something I ever intended for you to even see and I’m sorry about how it went down. My only intention at the time was to ask G if I had upset somebody because at the time it felt like everything I said in the groupchat was being ignored and despite trying to make plans with G for all of us to get together, multiple times, I was never being invited to anything anymore. So seeing all these posts of you celebrating together it made all my paranoia bubble up and I wanted to ask her cause I never wanted to try and guilt you or make you stress at all over your birthday because it wasn’t like I believed I was entitled to be invited or anything silly like that but I just felt like I may have done something that unintentionally hurt someone, and at the time I felt she was most likely to be straightforward with me. When I texted her I thought that you had all gone your separate ways and that she would be at home, after texting her I saw you were all still together and it made me feel really ganged up on because I could tell instead of talking to anyone one on one I was being talked down to by a group of people. I will admit I definitely could have phrased things better but at the time I was dealing with living completely on my own and just overall feeling very emotional and isolated. However I still do stand by my opinion that some things said to me were unwarranted and in some cases just downright mean spirited. I don’t have the messages anymore because they auto delete after a year, however I still remember some of that shit cause it sucked.

I get now that you had never really considered me a close friend which hurt at the time to find out because I had considered you one of my best friends. I had always really struggled to make friends and so when I got to high school and became friends with the group I felt so happy because I had finally found people that I thought wanted me around. I thought you were so sweet and kind and just a generally good person and so when I thought you considered me a friend it made me happy. Knowing that wasn’t true still sends me through a loop because I wonder if I just imagined it all, was I actually that annoying person that always managed to tag along, maybe or maybe not, maybe there was a point where you genuinely considered me a friend, I don’t know if I will ever know for sure. Regardless I thought we were close and yet everyone always forgot my birthday, the only wishes I ever got were if someone said it in a group chat and people followed suit. I know you think it’s its stupid, you’ve told me, I’ll always remember being told that “expecting anyone to remember to text me was too high an expectation” and “I was going to hurt my relationships in the future”, or “if I wanted anyone to remember I had to text them reminders to text me”. (That’s all still such a mindfuck to me, I have had to ask so many people if I was crazy over that because you made me feel like such a conceited person, general consensus was no I was not crazy and that was weird) It hurt though cause it felt this only happened to me, everyone else could have birthday parties and all the well wishes in the world, but I was stuck with a party people didn’t want to come to and any ones I tried to plan after never happened because everyone was always “busy”. In the end all I really wanted was to be remembered, at that point I would have traded 100 birthday parties for my friends to just feel happy I existed and remember me, unprompted. I know you think it’s dumb but you also have never had my experience, you have never had a birthday, home alone, where the only people that remember are your parents who call you halfway through the day, you haven’t waited up until midnight to see if anyone even remembered and no one did. I have lived that multiple times and it sucks, so it made me mad when you said it didn’t bother you because no shit, you’ve never experienced it, a couple people forgetting is different to almost every single person you consider important in your life forgetting every year. I know it's not a struggle competition but I had brought this up in Vancouver and it still baffles me because you all agreed it sucked, you said oh shit, that is really sucky of us, we are sorry, we will be better, but when nothing changed, I was deemed a bitch for getting a bit upset. I had always made sure to put that effort in for others because I didn’t want anyone to feel the way I did, so I kept everyone’s birthdays in my phone calendar so I would never forget and that way if everyone else did forget at least one person remembered. It’s embarrassing, but I cried when I took yours out because I thought I was being unnecessarily mean to you, even though it was something you would never even know about if I didn’t tell you. You told me I would have to remind you if I wanted you to remember which also makes me laugh because even when I reminded you of E's you still forgot, it is not too high an expectation to want your friends to love and care for you and to just remember the little details you find important. There will be many times in your life where you may not view something as important but someone you care for will and you will just have to swallow that pill and embrace and celebrate those things for them.

You said after Vancouver you thought I didn't like you, but the truth was I was just very apprehensive. I still very much considered you my friend but you had hurt my feelings badly, both my boyfriend and my mom were telling me I shouldn’t be friends with you anymore because I was just winding up hurt and they didn’t think you cared about me. But I was insistent on trying to mend things because you were important to me, I considered you one of my closest friends and I didn’t want to lose you over something so silly as a trip. When it came to G's birthday I begged and pleaded for my boyfriend to come with me because I wanted everyone to meet him, to try and continue to fix things but he wouldn’t come if you were going to be there. He felt it was unfair to my efforts to repair things if he came, he was still upset with you because he felt I never had a proper apology for what had happened and he was holding a grudge, he thought it might make things worse if he came and was inevitably cold to you while I was trying to be friends again. I’m not sure if you knew about that but for full honesty that is what happened that night.

When E came home last summer, you were extremely petty and just weird to me. It was my idea to get together, I asked her about it privately and she asked if I wanted you there or not and even then I said I did, I wasn’t necessarily trying to be friends again but I didn’t want to burn my bridges and wanted to be the bigger person, and at least be friendly with you. So I was the one that reached out, I tried planning it because I wanted to see my friend and maybe you wanted to see her too. You said nothing on it until I said I couldn’t do a specific time and then that was suddenly the time that worked perfect for you after you had literally said nothing this entire time. Which wtf, again this was something I was planning because I wanted to see my friend and I extended that opportunity to you and you were like thanks my name for doing this but I would prefer if you couldn’t come to your own get together like ok what’s your problem with me, last time I checked I hadn’t vetoed your opinion on what should have been a group decision and dismissed you from spending time together. I didn’t complain about the things you wanted to see and then spent our time at those places complaining at anything you looked at and instead dragging us to things I preferred. I didn’t turn your first kiss and getting together with your boyfriend into an inside joke with a guy I wasn’t even dating yet that you had never met, I didn’t then tell you that I had been mocking you with him (I never brought this up to you because it felt stupid but that was seriously messed up, like that is evil bully stuff from a bad movie). You don’t even like E that much and suddenly you were trying to disinvite me from my own plans to see her, to what? Get back at me for saying while I didn’t think I should be invited to everything it sucked to be pretty much ghosted for half a year?? Like if we are being honest, what horrible things did I do to you that made you, G, and A all cut me off like you did? And throughout the entire night you felt the need to talk all about the things the three of you had been doing together and making new plans without me in front of me. You made what was supposed to be a night to visit with E about getting some weird petty revenge on me. I felt so dumb for even trying to invite you, so when she came back the next time we just hung out as the two of us and I wish I did that in the first place. It sucks how this has impacted my friendships with G and A as well, when you are around they treat me very stiffly, but in the moments you weren’t around in August it was like nothing had changed and at that moment we were still the same friends we had all always been. I’m not going to spend my time trying to sustain a friendship like that though, I deserve better.

In the past there were days I just wanted to scream because in the end I lost three people I considered my closest friends over my own feelings being squashed on a trip and a text reaching out to ask what happened. I hadn't spread rumours about you or stolen your boyfriend, I didn't do anything to you besides feel hurt that you kept pushing me out of what was supposed to be a trip as a group of friends. Even when we left Vancouver I thought we had fixed things and that we would continue to be friends only to never hear from you after we got back and E left. You made me into this pariah of the friend group and then lashed out when I got upset and communicated my feelings poorly. You wrote me off so quickly. It broke my heart at the time, I wanted to say so many mean things but I won't, even if some are deserved.

Anyways I’m sorry for how things ended, I’ve asked myself if I had done things differently if we would still be friends and even then I don’t think we would be, I think something was always going to come up between us. It felt like you were starting to see me as beneath you and we just didn’t have aligning interests anymore. Someday I hope we can see each other, smile, and move on separately, but I don't think we can ever be friends and at this point I really don't want to. I’m not sure if you're curious about my life or not, but I am still with my boyfriend and am going to university in the fall for psych and hopefully law afterwards.

Also I’m sorry about your dog, she was a good girl.

this is just to vent cause this is my only platform where no one knows me, still i censored names where i noticed them but might have missed a few.

[shinahbee]

Spring favorites 2023!

------------------------------------------ GREETINGS ------------------------------------------ May 27/ 2023

Hello, it's been 3 months now, but I’ve been busy with other things, mainly shop prep and convention prep since I will be attending my local anime convention as a vendor this year! I was so happy I got accepted because let me say the job hunting has not been going well and I thought that I was cursed or something.

I'm like well at least one thing turned out well for me this year so far... I have updated my shop content and would very much appreciate the support!

http://shinahartshop.etsy.com

thank you so much for the support if you purchase anything, and now on to the long blog post because there is a theme of trash people this month...lol.

Sheena

waiting for my friend to come back from vacation to finally finish the last of us, this is the problem when you watch something with another person and they leave for a while...lmao I watched the game play so I'm good in terms of plot but imagine if you never did.

I’ve been out of the drama loop for a while but I have been watching boys plant, which s the rebranding of the produce series...its still the same in my opinion, the way they focus only on people that are popular because they are trying to make you pick them, while others have zero screen time at all.

ugh...I watched it but felt nothing, not like when I really was invested in X1, they had so much potential as a group to grow but Mnet did them dirty and I'm still pissed off at that. I had no favorites anyways, these boys don't really know what they are getting into. The only one that surprised me was pentagon's leader Hui came onto the show as a contestant and how he got there was because he didn’t get that much work after coming back from the army and noticed that his group had become irrelevant, which is really sad cause I remember he wrote songs for the last produce series and now he’s on the show not as a mentor but as a contestant to compete with other younger singers who cater towards the new k-pop fans.

sigh...I hope everything goes well for him even if he doesn’t make it into this group.

--------------------------------------------

MANHWA/MANGA/WEBTOONS --------------------------------------------

Recap:

I’m just going to put up the ongoing list only. I also eliminated some titles because they are now completed or I dropped them for now Ongoing

Ongoing

Liveta (hiatus)

Pearl boy

Kings Maker (S3)

One night mate (hiatus)

Night fragments (hiatus)

The pizza delivery man and the gold palace

the foul

killer crush

Instatiable man (hiatus)

I became a lousy side top

tread lightly on thawing ice

Updates on ongoing titles:

Okay so some updates are happening I'll save the most controversial for last.

the pizza delivery man and the gold palace:

it's been on hiatus since January but it's finally back with some steamy scenes between woowon and seoan, they are both really precious and I really like how thier relationship developed over the course of the story so far. I have never really realted to another character before woowon and I'm hoping to see more of how he will overcome his life struggles, because right now I'm also going through some sh*t and it's really important to have support from people you care about, like seoan.

wowoon has not dated for 6 years and is a little overwhelmed by the affection seon has been showing him with and they are so cute....I'm going to present you with a spicy screenshot and they way they look at each other is...chef's kiss perfection. lol.

kings maker S3:

kings maker is back finally with wolf gang and shin's daughter, well I guess it's wofgang's baby by blood cause of the ritual in which they used his blood or something...I don't remember the details, but he got a cute baby girl and she's so adorable, I might draw fanart of her soon cause I can't resisit.lol.

so far it is through her point of view as she is went from small baby with incredible strength to a little toddler wanting to be queen soon and the fastest possible way is to get her dads to retire and married off lol.

look at her, she's so cute!

so far we just follow her around the palace and see what shenanigan's she's up to but there’s not actual plot as of yet, but it honestly just come back a while ago so it's really too early to say. all I'm hoping for is to see some more sys and randolph content, i’ve been deprived of that for a good while so that would be cute to see.

sigh ...now for the most controversial...Pearl boy

of course this would bring all sorts of people to the threads with it's recent chapters, I think the last time I left off was when dooshik was in the middle of saving jooha from the captives..the porn crew. In the end a human is a human and dooshik was brought down by the daehwi the twin with the long hair, with a gun...my man was shot and was lieing there getting beaten by ugly ass thugs. Jooha in this situation had realized that dooshik was the one who saved him from the same thing that happened 4 years ago and you get to see a bit of backstory behind that and how that interaction went. dooshik also had  a flash back to when his mother was around and how his life had fallen apart when his mother essentially only cared of herself and possibly put dooshik through a lot of things..ie. growing up fast and having to take care of a grown ass adult, possibly getting him to quit judo, the way that he looks at his jacket made it seem like it was something important to him that he had to give up.

I can't imagine everything that he went through and still believed that life is essentially still worth living, especially when he told jooha the best way to take revenge was to live a happy life. Ideally yes that would be the right way to go, but in this situation they are dealing with  a person with power, reporting him to the police is not going to do any good cause we all know one thing...police suck! they only speak money, they care more about getting a higher rank in the field than actually helping people in trouble, just reporting pilwon would only put him in jail for 1 day and then he's free cause bail money...

so it's not going to do any good, dooshik realizes this and after a heartwarming moment between jooha and himself while in the hospital bed recovering, he finally lost all his senses and became enraged. Let's just say that he used almost the same method the porn people used on jooha but with the twin that he captured " the short haired one -daekwang" who I honestly don't get why people like...you don't even know his character well yet. now this was the most controversial chapter that made people really hate dooshik, morally yes it was inhumane and nobody wants to see it because it's unsettling.

but  people seem to have forgotten this daekwang guy is involved with kidnapping young men with his porn filming crew since a long time ago, years ago when jaeil was almost involved with these people...but managed to get out of it. they drug these boys ( dooshik's ex boyfriend was drugged and ended up dying from overdose) and make them film porn to sell to old rich creepy men...this was their "business" and suddenly there are people defending his ass...I'm like what are you on about? dooshik should not give them a taste of thier own medicine because it's wrong...did you forget what he did not only to jooha but other people? some people were like he should have just killed pilwon and it would be fine, yeah pilwon should die, but these people are also doing his dirty work for him, that man never needed to lift a finger to get what he wanted cause he had subordinates that were desperate enough to follow him.

Don't know if you are aware but there are so much manhwa/manga/webtoons with a similar plot where the bad guys never suffered their repercussions and get off Scott free, I'm glad that at least in this webtoon people do suffer for their actions. Most manga that focuses on revenge in the end never follow through with it.

if your boyfriend decided to get revenge for you for being r*ped by having his men to do the same to one of your assailants ...how do you really feel? most people put their morals before what they actually would do and say things like yeah it's wrong, It's not going to change anything...yeah it won't change the fact that I was a victim, but I won't think that it's wrong...cause in a way what goes around comes around and instead of waiting for a higher power to deal with it, if you want something done do it yourself....am I against it? no...that's because i'm petty and to have my assailant feel what I felt in that moment, it would make me feel better, even if what happened would not change anything...I hope that makes sense.

me though...I would have chopped off his dick...

but some people...they keep saying he's turning into pilwon and that is so not true, that a-hole can and will probably die a mundane death after his lackeys aren’t around anymore. Dooshik cannot process the pain that he's in so he became a person using interrogation as an act of revenge and committed himself into torturing and murdering to get what he wants, which is to get rid of all of jooha's demons. Does he find this enjoyable? NOPE look at his face, he looks like someone who witnessed his loved one die. People started making sh*t up saying that he was enjoying watching someone get r*ped...and that caused others who can't read korean look at the raw images and deduce the same thing without reading the actual chapter and understanding the dialogue exchanged and looking at character expressions.

I can't with this fandom, I know every fandom sh*tty people but this one in particular has a bunch of them, I don't interact with anyone for the very reason that if you say one thing another person will be quick to bring you down.

sigh....it's honestly really sad to see someone whose so strong really lose his sh*t and mentally suffering after being with him for 80 chapters...I want to see this part of him even if is ugly since I have been saying since the early chapters of pearl boy that dooshik's character is one of a kind. this boy made me cry....I don't cry for any fictional being. lol

anyways i'll let you decide on what you think of him with that, the story is far from over so there’s lots to unfold still, so I wish people would honestly just f*cken wait till the story is done to start spewing non sense and making up false theories

see trash segment for examples of some dumb sh*t....

I swear these people are all minors or something, y'all should not be reading this at all if you think this is going to follow a shounen anime plot..eww. go watch your anime and stick to that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------- Welcome to some spicy reads (21+) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- okie dokie onto some trash titles, lol. not really I have another segment for that, this months theme is " trash semes ...but are they really?" the answer is yes they are trash humans that do inhumane things but I can't completely hate them. in contrast to dooshik and what he was doing...the first two are literally absolute a-holes, they let you know that from chapter 1 onwards

because it's been three months and I had to narrow it down for once and just stick with a theme. forgive me if I forget some of the plot cause its been that long and I don't want to revisit these stories to get every detail since they are so long.

1)Beware of the full moon in march

"Ex-convict Park Mokhwa wants nothing more than to keep his head low and stay out of anything that has to do with his past. However, his new-found tranquility as a florist is shattered by the appearance of Kim Nakwon, corrupt cop and unabashed hedonist. Nakwon is sure that Mokhwa’s the key to cracking an important case, and he’ll do anything to get the taciturn man to talk. The best way to make someone confess is to cause them pain, and Nakwon thinks he knows just what’ll hurt Mokhwa the most. But despite Nakwon’s best efforts, Mokhwa continues to stay silent. It’s not often that life doesn’t go the way Nakwon wants it to, so his obsession with Mokhwa only grows stronger..."

Yeah the summary pretty much says it all, mokhwa is an ex convict that was wrongfully put into jail for killing his step sister's boyfriend and after his release was shunned by his aunt and uncle and is now just working a a local flower shop as a florist. he was approached one day by a cop named nakwon and was accused of still being involved with his ex mafia boss, whom nakwon is looking for.

nakwaon forces himself onto mokhwa and assaults him to really strike fear and embarrassment within mokhwa so that he will cooperate and tell him what he needs to know. Yeah ladies and gents this guy is a big duche from chapter one onwards, he's a corrupted cop and uses force and humiliation on suspects in order to get them to admit their wrongdoings and arrest them, but he's a dick for the assault part cause that was unnecessary, he just thought because mokhwa is technically bigger and a criminal that that's what he gets. I'm like sir..where is your proof? another reason for hating the police... nakwon will not take no for an answer and so he begins to do monitoring on mokhwa and even told his boss that he is under suspicion.

his boss is a nice lady who treated mokhwa like a little brother and so he calls her noona (sister) even if they aren’t related. nakwon came to visit mokhwa everyday and noticed little things about him that usually people will leave in their thoughts but he was just complaining about everything this man was doing form his customer service skills to the way that he dresses...

but because they visit each other everyday, mokhwa started to get accustomed to nakwon's company, even if he is unlikable. mokhwa had been shunned by his actual family and had always been alone so having this person come and see him every day, made him feel a little better. nakwon really wanted to get info out of him and so spends most of his time watching nakwon do work and sometimes providing help when his customer service skills were lacking. one day when nakwon came to visit there were a bunch of other men in the flower shop with mokhwa and it turns out they were mokhwas men when he was still in the mafia, the guys heard that he was out of prison and works here so they came to see him, it turns out his men have been doing other things since he was in jail and they became a moving service and does deliveries...this part I don’t really remember, think they are still in the mafia but doing other things.

mokhwa had to prepare some flower baskets for parents day and so there were a bunch of orders to fulfill which then his men helped out and nakwon reluctantly took charge since non of them knew how to do it. even if mokhwas men knew that nakwon was a detective they think he wasn’t a bad person and so treated him like a "friend of the boss" they even went to eat bbq and drink all night. nakwon at this time had started to have weird feelings towards mokhwa, it seems like he's just confused as to why he's so interested in him? they spent some time together in a small hotel and nakwon felt weird that mokhwa was the most exposed he's ever been in a bath robe and it made him want to tough him. mokhwa was so shocked that he just let him do it and so they just toughed each other and instantly regretted it after. nakwon took some time away from mokhwa and some news of the mafia boss visiting him made him doubt that mokhwa had nothing to do with the mafia anymore and so he felt enraged/betrayed by that and went to assault mokhwa again....f*cken dumbass, I hate characters that take their anger out on others because they can't understand their own feelings...its so stupid.

well anyways, he kind of felt bad after he saw the condition he was in and tended to his wounds...which makes zero sense after what he just did. mokhwa easily accepts the offer reluctantly, that is when nakwon realizes that even if he’s treated like utter sh*t you treat him a little well and he will forgive you...which made him feel terrible, well at least he has somewhat of a conscience..

nakwon was busy trying to put this case to rest and actually met with the former boss of the mafia but under a different name at a social gathering, turns out this gut had a lot of money and was starting a new business, but of course like all mafia is doing shady things under ground. nakwon got informed by one of mokhwas men that one of the old subordinates has turned on them and was going after mokhwa. mokhwa was then captured and drugged along with his noona and to spare her he open the door to the car and pushed her out before they knocked him unconscious.

the florist noona was brought to the hospital for treatment and someone witnessed her pushed  out of a car. Nakwon was dealing with finally arresting someone involved the mafia he wasn’t supposed to do anything with mokhwa's case but hearing that he knew about the kidnapping and risked a big shot getting let go and went to essentially track down mokhwa.

he finally was able to locate the warehouse where mokhwa was taken but during that time mokhwas was being torutured by one of his old followers which turned his back on mokhwa during his time in jail. when nakwon arrived he saw that person next to a beaten and bloody mokhwa and literally went feral...lol

if you kill/injure a person you will have to step down from your position but he didn’t care one bit...he made sure that mofo was dead! so in a way i'm glad he's committed. after he finally processed his feelings and loss, he bawled his eyes out wanting mokhwa to come back to him alive and broke his own had as an act of repayment for the time he injured mokhwa's hand out of anger...this guy is dramatic as hell. if you can't guess it, mokhwa is okay, he was barely breathing but he was able to be taken to the hospital in time when the other police officers got there. Nakwon had to return the gun a step down for the time being while this whole thing is being investigated and he was okay with that, after accepting the fact that mokhwa became his world he broke off prior engagements with his ex-girlfriend and began working at the floral shop while mokhwa was in the hospital at the time. When mokhwa was released from the hospital he was wondering why nakwon acted that way, he was half unconscious but still heard him pleading for mokhwa to wake up, he was sure that he was someone who will be alone forever but after seeing nakwon wait for him to return back to the flower shop he was glad that he still had a home to go back to.

and that is the end of season one, there is still many things unanswered like the issue with the ex mafia boss and mokhwa and how they knew each other, why mokhwa is not saying anything pertaining to his ex-boss and finally will we see nakwon in his true form..lol. I mean expressing his feelings for mokhwa now that he knows he's in love with him.

2)Love history caused by willful negligence

"The only flaw of actor Lee Wooyeon, who is on the road to success without facing a single slump, is that his manager never lasts. With a time period of three months to observe him as a manager. Choi Inseop becomes Lee Wooyeon’s manager in search for revenge. He was not the Lee Wooyeon who was loved by people, but another Lee Wooyeon. Inseop had to uncover the truth. Because he had made a promise."

Firstly, I just wanted you all to know that wooyeon let's you know what kind of dick he is right in chapter one, he does not get any better than this so don't expect much. He is the kind of person that knows how to manipulate a social situation in his favor without letting anyone discover his true nature. When I mean true nature, it just means that he has a lot of inner thoughts about people...I would compare him to the protagonist in the netflix series "you" the guy stalks a woman he's interested in and has this whole narrative of how she is supposed to be in his eyes. Woo yeon just has disturbing thoughts about people and sometimes when people push him over the edge they get their asses kicked.lol.

to be honest, I can't hate the guy,I mean how many times have you thought a person deserves to get their asses handed to them? or in my case how many entitled a-holes you had to deal with on a daily basis at work.lol. some times you just want to kill them and wooyeon does that...with a brick  in an alley way...

he's like i'll see you in the alleyway later my friend ...

His company ceo and his company manager were worried that they will not be able to cover his ass any longer so they decided to go look for the perfect candidate to become wooyeon’s personal manager. wooyeon had a knack for switching managers every few weeks because they keep quitting, it turns out they cant handle the pressure of dealing with wooyeon and he manages to get them to quit on their own accord. The new manager showed up pristine and on time, his name is inseop and he is a self proclaimed fan of lee woo yeon...this is going to go well, like any celerity this automatically does not sit well with wooyeon cause he could be a "sasang fan" - extreme stalker fans and so he was on guard and will eventually get inseop to quit on his own soon.

But as time goes by wooyeon notices that inseop knew exactly what he preferred in terms of music and expectations of a manager and it made him curious as to how he knew everything. Inseop claims he is a fan of his but sometimes it seems like wooyeon suspects that it wasn't the case because he didn’t get that feeling form him.

inseop was in fact somewhat of an acquaintance of wooyeon back in their college days and this whole scheme to become his manager was to really avenge his friend that was treated badly by his possy of friends in college. So inseop was planning on exposing wooyeon’s affairs to the public through a news article but it wasn't enough to change public opinion so he needed his " weakness" in order to expose the fraud celebrity. Okay just a little tid bit...i don't think public opinion matters that much, celebs do dumb shit on a daily, exposing someone isn’t going to stop people from liking them. they might be cancelled for that one thing but It won't really ruin their career unfortunately.

but this matter was a lot more complex than on the surface as inseop's friend jennie was already suffering from mental health issues and that whatever happened in college lead to her passing and inseop cannot let her death be in vain.

after getting involved with wooyeon’s life he just wanted the necessary info for his exposure and just go back to America like nothing happened, but he found out that the more involved he was with wooyeon the more he began to see certain good aspects of him, sure he was a dick, but wooyeon had saved him from a couple of sexual assaulters he had encountered in a quick stop bathroom. Due to some past traumatic experiences with a past attempt at assault he was reminded of the time when jennie has saved him then. Inseop didn’t want to be grateful because he was going to essentially backstab him when the time comes, but internally he was very grateful. Then these a-holes came back later and attacked wooyeon and he almost drowned, but inseop dived into the lake to save him, this made wooyeon even more curious cause in his mind he was like " isn't this what you wanted? you wanted me to die didn’t you?"

I'll mention this now but it's explained later on that wooyeon is a sociopath, so he does not understand the feelings of other people, he does not understand what is considered right from wrong in a social context and how to deal with people. so he does not get why inseop would save him even though he clearly does not like him.

I guess this was the starting point of them starting to be interested in each other, not romantically but you can tell it was some sort of attraction. Inseop had saved him again when wooyeon's horse for a drama was scared to death by something and started to swing wooyeon off, inseop injured his hand trying to stop the horse, he didn’t have to but he essentially took his role as manager really seriously.

This is when it was explained how inseop knew about wooyeon and their encounter, so jennie was in love with woo yeon, or phillip as he was known in America, he was a quarterback who played football and was famous for his looks and dated some cheerleader...ya'll have seen american shows right? but jennie like other people who liked wooyeon dreamed of communicating with him and essentially gathered info about him to present to her friends...lol as you do, that friend is inseop..or peter which is his American name. Peter had a frail heart which made it difficult for him to go to school and so daily activities, he would offent have to get check ups so that his heart failure will not worsen and was he was spending most of his time bed ridden. Jennie came to visit him and they became best friends, she would often tell him about phillip and what he looked like and make up scenarios about thier encounters. Inseop was curious as to what this "prince" looked liked since he can't go to school often he has no idea who that is.

this part is so cute to me...when peter's mom asked him to get oranges for her marmalade, he went to the local market and grabbed a bag of oranges and saw a bunch of boys play basketball across the street near the market, there was a guy who stood out amongst them and somehow...he knew that was phillip I don't remember if the ball almost hit him and he ran off and almost got hit by a car or something but phillip saved him and inseop tossed him an orange as thanks.

he quickly got home and headed to his room cause he felt weird after that encounter. lmao inseop silly...it's called falling in love. I really liked that scene cause it was such an innocent and cute encounter, like how a novel would be written. he them met phillip again when he was able to go to school, his father wanted inseop(peter) to be apart of the korean association  that meets every Saturday, mainly to be in touch with his heritage as a korean-american.

lol. can relate cause I had to go to chinese school on Saturdays. he then realized that Philip was part of the korean association as well and was in his class...and sat beside him...okay raise you hands...how many of you sat beside your crush in class?..like a seat away or in front or behind them...he was called by the teacher to read a poem and peter could not get those words out of him head, he memorized the sound of his voice to his handwriting and would steal glances of him when he wasn't looking, he didn’t tell jennie any of this because he wanted this moment to be in his memory.

if you can't tell by now, inseop despite whatever happened between them in college liked and have always liked wooyeon (Phillip). This of course is still prevalent in the current time line as he admits that he has thought about being in a romantic situation with him and dreamed of kissing him but he decided to but his feelings down for the sake of avenging his friend, which is a terrible thing to do considering what happened to jennie was not wooyeon's fault at all. She became delusional in believing that letters she exchanged with someone was phillip, but in fact it was a bunch of the petty mean girls that were apart of his clique that got a hold of that letter and decided to bully her by writing to her back adding to that delusion. When inseop pointed out that he doenot think its phillip cause he knows what his writing looks like jennie didn’t believe him, that added to the mental instability she currently has made her depression worse and she began to have mood swings. inseop didn’t know how to deal with her sudden change in temper all the time that it made him anxious..

okay PSA time, please get professional help if you are struggling, there are a lot of phone services you can use to talk to someone, if you don’t want to do that, write it out...write whatever comes to mind and don't leave it all inside, you will honestly feel a lot better. But unfortunately for jennie her mother was abusive and not even seeing a therapist was going to stop the abuse, she only had peter as her friend and it was hard for him to bare all of her suffering when he isn't doing well himself, I can't imagine how inseop must feel knowing his friend was suffering and there was nothing he could do about it. But blaming wooyeon is not the answer, so i'm guessing he's only doing this so that he can put an end to his feelings for both wooyeon and jennie, I think he knows in his heart that wooyeon is awful but he’s not a bad person and revenge is pointless when the person you want to avengee is no longer in the world you live in. So we are at the point where inseop finally got the " weakness " he was looking for and now he is planning to give that to the reporter and go back to America.

sigh...but its really just hurting him cause he's been in love with wooyeon for so long, even saying to himself that he's an sh*t person when he does not believe that. ugh...someone needs to protect this boy, I have read the novel and it has it's ups and downs, but i still think the ending was worth reading so I really hope this novel gets published in English, cause those original book covers are so beautiful, I want the whole set.

I will leave it a this for now cause season 2 just got started and we are in for a ride.

--------------------------------------------------------------- Trash segment (21+) ---------------------------------------------------------------- a.k.a the part of the series where I shit on your favorite manhwa/manga/webtoon etc. Joking but not really, you have been warned.

This is the new section where you’re going to find titles that I dropped and the reasons why I discontinued the series all together, fair warning if you triggered by people criticizing your favorite series then you may want to skip this section all together. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and not every series that is “popular” or well liked by others will be like by all...therefore if there is content that makes a person uncomfortable enough to stop the series, that is on them and please don’t judge them for their morals. to those who consider quitting series, if it bothers you then just stop! no one is forcing this down your throat you can quit whenever, but don't harass the creator on social media if you dislike their story it's disrespectful.

Trash List:

So to recap, the series that I mentioned dropping so far are

Love or Hate

Yours to claim

Wistful summer

Anti-p.t.

The sound of fire

Kiss damnation

Cherry blossoms after the winter

Chasing Mr. CEO

Who’s a sweet cheater?

Another sequence

Love is a fantasy

Missing love/married man

My reason to die

This month there is no trash manhwa to present only trash people...insert every possible eyerolling meme here...

yes, I'm calling out some people on their dumb comments that literally are just there to start something and they clearly have zero knowledge on the plot but saw a bunch of people commenting on certain screen shots and decided to jump on the bandwagon of hate.... I was going to blur their names but nah whatever...lol.

this person clearly does not read the manhwa, just saw some screen shots and made their own theory and spat nonsense....this is what I'm getting because if you actually read the webtoon you wouldn’t be telling dooshik to die...lmao I can't... it's so stupid...I hate it the most when people just call him "the seme" I'm like he has a name and if you don't know it t clearly means you don’t read it.

this person says it s a terrible plot, and goes on with really bad grammar that i have no Idea what on earth they are saying...using terms like the top and bottom..instead of their names when you are trying to prove a point... I literally have never seen these people before in any pearl boy thread it's like they came out the ashes one day just to cause trouble...I'm literally like...who are you?

this person just needs to leave...they have been tweeting dumb comments for the past two weeks I'm honestly sick of seeing this troll every time I use the hashtags, ended up having to block them cause the tweets were annoying me.lol.

but nothing tops the comments that are like...and this is why I don’t read it anymore and still provide screen shots of the recent chapter...well clearly you did cause you bought the chapter. LMAO. I'm like no one cares if you stopped reading or not...just stop, why are you still here? I had to mute some people on twitter because they started going on about it and it really pissed me off.

that's like waiting in line for 2 hours to tell an actor you hate them...you waited in line and spent money on this...you know when your teacher use to say there is no such thing as a dumb question? that maybe true but there are such things as dumb comments.

Please don't be one of these people, if you have a problem with the story and don't enjoy it anymore just leave, do not go on the writers/creators social media and cause trouble just cause you don't like their story...ugh.at the end of the day this is all just fiction...

Oshi no ko and skip to loafer currently watching these two only and so far really enjoying them, I will review it when I finish but that’s all I have to update so far. though I will say one thing, I did not expect things to turn out the way it did at the end of episode 1 of oshi no ko, that surprised me and I can see why people are hyping this up, but we shall see as it continues.

my friend had been listening to NCT's new unit's new song perfume...so that’s all I hear when we hang out together lol. ----------------------------------------------------------------

Ending note:

Omg sorry for the 3-4 month wait, I'm seriously burnt out on writing anything, to be honest I could have finished this sooner but I have been leaving it on the back burner until I felt like writing again.

  I've been preparing for a shop update and also a convention coming up...It’s my first time as a vendor! didn't think that I'd get in cause the selection is supposed to be a lottery, but I did and so now I have to make a good stock ready for that event in july. I doubt any of you are know of it, cause its a local convention for me, but i'll announce it on my social media closer to the date.

anyways, I'll try to be on time but can't make promises please let me know if you are reading this by liking the post, cause I feel like I'm writing into a void lol.

thanks, Sheena

[gingerontheside]

Disney Sea Pt. 2

Onto Arabian Coast! This area had a very obvious Alaadin theming, with camels and Arabian architecture as well as stores called Bazaars and more Middle Eastern and South Asian food choices. We did not spend long here, as the only attractions were Jasmin's Flying Carpets (think the Dumbo ride at Disneyworld), a carousel (which I never actually found but apparently was there), and a huge dark ride called Sinbad's Storybook Voyage. We skipped all of these in favor of going to Mermaid Lagoon faster, but I found out later that the Sinbad ride is considered one of the best dark rides in disney history. Oh well.

We hustled on over to Mermaid Lagoon, which had a few outdoor attractions such as Flounder's Flying Fish coaster (a little kid roller coaster, but delightful nonetheless), and Scuttle's Scooters (we did not go on this ride, it is a spinny ride I'm sure.) The real fun of Mermaid Lagoon was hiding within the massive Atlantis castle that drew us in in the first place.

Once inside, you went down a rather inconspicuous hallway until you entered a massive indoor cavern impeccably decorated to be a Little Mermaid seascape. This area was a welcomed respite from the rain, and actually had several rides, a restaurant, and shops. We only went on 1 of the 3 indoor rides, as the lines were fairly long and the rides did not look super interesting. I LOVED this indoor area as I had no idea it was hiding under our noses the whole time and gave us time to warm back up before venturing back out into the elements.

At last, we had made it to the final port; Mysterious Island. This was where the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride as well as the Journey to the Center of the Earth ride were located. This area was decorated like one would expect a steampunk boat would be decorated, with a huge mountain smack in the middle where the Journey ride was buried within. For the 20,000 Leagues ride, you walked down a fancy spiral staircase, descending down to the water level before going inside a cave where you boarded a submarine-esque vehicle and dove 'underwater' to explore the great unknown ocean. I thoroughly enjoyed this ride and all the cute underwater alien creatures that popped out and hid from the submarine.

(You can see the fancy spiral staircase here)

The Journey to the Center of the Earth ride had the longest line of the day, and it was pretty obvious why. This ride shot you through the imagined core of the earth in a minecart, where monsters awaited at nearly every turn to pop out and scare you with fire. For the final piece, the minecart was launched up and down several hills and even 'broke out' through the mountain and briefly exposed you outside before rocketing you back inside. This was my favorite ride, and arguably the most thrilling ride at Disney Sea.

Once finished with Mysterious Island, we looped back to American Waterfront to tackle the Toy Story Mania ride. Again, a very long line, but the ride itself is extremely interactive. Your goal is to shoot as many balls as you could from a little launcher attached to your cart and try to beat the score of your car companions. The trigger was a rope you would pull on the gun and make a little 'ping' noise, and our arms very quickly became tired, but it was a very fun ride regardless. After this we tried to go on the Tower of Terror ride, but as I mentioned they had shut down access to those who didn't have Premiere access. I'll never get over it, thank you for asking.

It should be noted that most of these rides had a pretty intense narration, which we were lost on us because of course it was all in Japanese. I do wonder if my experience would have been different had I actually understood any of the rides entirely rather than just relying on context cues.

After ALL of this, we had been at Disney for nearly 8 hours, and I was getting tired, cold, and cranky. We made a few more stops at shops, where I acquired an adorable Baymax plush that I love way too much, and we were on our way home.

There was a light show that was occurring on our way out, but since it was a rainy day, it was not nearly as fun as it was supposed to be. Rather than a ton of lights and dancers, it was sort of just a couple of billboard-like boats that circled the water with Disney characters standing on top and waving. It was cool but we were not super interested, so we left.

Overall, Disney Sea was not anything I expected. I did enjoy myself, and I thought the park was beautiful. There were moments that it felt like the real Disney 'magic' was missing, and a lot of the areas just kinda felt .... empty. Almost as though there should have been more attractions and there were not. If i was given the chance, I likely would not go back to Disney Sea, but i still had a delightful time nonetheless and if you're looking for a disney park experience unlike anything else in the world, this is where you should go.

[preyforthewicked]

21.

I dated Eli for about a year and a half. It was fun for a college relationship. He was deeply insecure about a lot of things (he was over 21 years old without a driver’s license because his mom was a crazy neurotic hellbent on keeping him at home forever because she couldn’t stand the thought of not being needed by her kid anymore) and though I tried to be the best girlfriend, I was fucked up and got a lot of things wrong, too. Still, it was good until he made a sorry attempt at a sexual joke (“I wish you’d grab your ankles more!”) and out he went. This abrupt goodbye happened in July of 2015 and I never regretted it. He thought he’d bagged a good thing and I felt I could do much better. 

What followed was a sloppy summer fling and then a tightening of my physical boundaries. Once Senior year had begun, I entered the online dating sphere, went on a few dates, got ghosted by a guy I really liked who ended up getting back together with his ex (whom he of course swore up and down to me was crazy and he was beyond over her), and by March of 2016 had given up on boys. The ones around my age all seemed to be immature, uninteresting, or have psychological problems.

Then, serendipitously, I met the man I would later marry at a psychology conference in New York. 

From the very start, he was nothing like David. When we first saw each other in that huge conference room full of people, he looked at me and really seemed to see me, not just my physical form but whatever me was on the inside, too. We talked for four hours about music, movies, books, religion. I got his phone number and within a week, we decided to give dating a shot.

Whatever I had thought was love before was a pitiful shell of what I felt for Joseph. It was heady and almost overwhelming in its power. Being so deeply in love with someone is like being possessed or tripping on acid 24/7. I was overcome. It felt so good to connect with someone so deeply, so passionately. We told each other we were not only on the same page, but the same letter of the same word on so many things. Joseph told me I was the female permutation of his soul. We were so in sync and in harmony it was hard to believe it was real.

We married in September of 2017, a year and a half after meeting. Joseph was and is so incredibly amazing as a life partner; he loves me for everything I am. He appreciates my body, sure, but he also loves that I’m a writer, a fellow gamer, a Lord of the Rings fan, a lover of music. He knows my ambitions, interests, desires, and fears almost as intimately as his own. He takes care of me like I never imagined a spouse could. He loves me for me, all of me, not just the fleshy vessel I happen to occupy and what it might be able to do for him. 

We do have phenomenal sex, though, in case you’re wondering. I’ve never been eaten out and overall pleasured so much in my entire life.

The seeds David sowed did not stop growing after Joseph entered my life. I never had the desire to reach out to him again, but he still haunted me. On paper, my life was fantastic. Great marriage, stable full time job, owned a house, was physically the fittest I’d ever been, had a couple books published and worked on writing nearly every day. But in my head, I was never good enough. There were always things wrong. I felt attacked by my own thoughts, startled by their harsh negativity. My body, though in the best shape ever, was still nowhere near perfect. 

Alcohol became easier to acquire, my drinking easier to hide. Whenever I felt bad, which was more often than not, I drank. It got bad enough that I was drinking at my full time job just to get through the day. Just to cope with living inside my head. It was not a nice place to live. I was not kind to myself. I was not happy, and I couldn’t even articulate why.

It was not until 2020, 3 years into my perfect marriage with alcohol abuse and depressive thought loops in full swing, that it occurred to me David had never been in our relationship for love. That I was a victim of his abuse, something very far from a consenting party. 

This was 7 years after I ended it.

10/12/2020

A letter to my oppressor.

I loved you

(Or whatever it is a 15-year-old girl thinks is love).

I trusted you.

I sacrificed sleep

And friends

And time for you.

And you abused my naivete with relish

For years – 4 to be exact – 

And all that time I never knew

I was dressed as the victim in this play.

Did you really love me? Or was that just a leverage word

To pry my top off?

To peel open my legs?

I never questioned it, but now

7 years later,

A moment of bitter clarity.

After everything you took from me

I want nothing 

Except the apology you owe

Not only me

But my family, then and now.

You tricked me. Ruined me.

Fucked me in more ways 

Than one.

And all I want now 

is to know –

Are you sorry?            

(I never heard you say it.)

Did you know what you were doing

All along? Preying on innocence

In a time of vulnerable isolation?

Spinning stories about a future together

To a gullible girl with stars in her eyes?

From the bottom of your soul,

Trembling at the judgmental feet

Of Old Testament God, 

Are you sorry? 

Do you think that’s enough to save you

From the gates of Hell?

It was not until now, 2022, 9 years after I cut ties, 24 weeks pregnant with mine and my loving husband's first child, a daughter, did it dawn on me that David had abused me. Taken full advantage of me and abused me. Not by force but coercion and pressure. With “I love yous” and smiley emojis and promises of marriage. Yes, I was a precocious teen, a “wise for her age” fifteen-year-old girl. And it is true I agreed to everything he asked me to do. But he never really had my consent. 

[a-bi-disaster]

My favorite Steddie tropes

(Why the fuck a 3-month-old ship has enough tropes for me to rank them again?)

Future!AU. Best be about 10 years after they finally defeated Vecna, all the kids are already graduated and have jobs scattering around America. Steve would always be the last one to leave Hawkins behind. I always imagine Steve would be some kind of teacher, just working with kids in general. Maybe he would go to community college and work his way up to his master in education and then find a job teaching elementary students. Maybe he would be a basketball coach for school. Eddie might be whisked away by the government. And he would totally be something like a rock star or a writer, and a famous one at that. His imagination, theatrical tendencies topple up with what he actually went through is the combo for something so beautiful and captivating. I even have a list of what I think all the kids would do once they actually grow up...

Disaster bi! Steve and Confident gay! Eddie. Do I even have to SAY ANYTHING ELSE? I should just write “Canon Steddie” instead lmao. A plus if Eddie is a soft dom and do a whole Power Point introduction to BDSM for Steve.

Time loop trope. (Is this a trope? It should be. Everyone should be writing Steve going through a time loop hundreds of time to try and save his family)

Dustin finds out Steve and Eddie are dating by accident. Imagining seeing your parents bang it out, I’m not even gonna blame Dustin if he become homophobic after this.

Eddie just keeps running away (figuratively and literally) and Steve just keeps chasing him.

OMG THEY ARE RIVAL CAMP COUNSELORS

Steve, by some magic (mostly his blinding love for that one metalhead), agreed to play DnD. He and Eddie flirt through their characters the whole night. The kids hate it.

They both get nightmares and seek each other out.

Highschool AU, they met/fucked/dated/became friends before the events in Season 4 happened.

Vampire!Eddie and Werewolf!Steve. Sorry not sorry.