#i hopre youre able to see that you just as wonderful as the rest of them

[mueritos]

Is it wrong I am afraid of gay men as a gay trans man? I feel like I look disgusting to them and I’ll never be what they expect me to look like. What parts I lack that they find ugly makes me dysphoric. Idk if it’s just me but I feel like gay men r sometimes transphobic

What you are feeling my friend is an insecurity based out of survival; this doesn't mean your insecurity is irrational, only that it is based in real life traumas that make you hesitant to reach out to gay men. Cis gay men have their own rituals; the community is largely fatphobic, ableist, racist, "hypersexual" (i say this because while hypersexuality is a queer issue, having lots of sex is NOT a reason to pathologize/shame queer people), and transphobic...but this could also be said about the lesbian community, the bi community, etc and etc. Dominant voices in each community distort the true diversity of those communities, and they don't allow you to see the parts that have been made for you too.

I have found to be seen as a man and admired as a man by various queer men, cis or trans, white or Black, etc and etc. Neither of them had any particular trait that made me feel threatened as a trans person, but I also have found it very easy to weed out the gay men who have their own ignorances to get over. I have actually faced more transphobia from insecure gay trans men than I have from cisgender gay men; figuring out red flags is just something you get used to as a marginalized person. Am I trying to paint a picture that gay men everywhere are evil biological essentialists who are disgusted by vaginas? No, but those gay men do exist. But guess what, there also exist gay men who do not give a shit about bodies or abilities. There are gay men who have sex with women and butches, and there are gay men who only involve themselves with masculine/male identified men. Sexualities are fluid. There are lesbians who have sex with men, and there are gay men who have sex with women. This isn't to say you are a woman; this is to continue proving that there are fluidities and nuances to people's attractions to people.

Gay men aren't the only people who are transphobic, but I imagine theyre at the forefront of your mind because you want to find community in gay men. And you can, and you have. Even if you do not feel like you have a community elsewhere, you do on my blog. There are also gay men out there who are waiting for someone like you to come into their lives. My current partner is a cisgender gay man who had never met a trans person in his life before me, and he has been the most compassionate lover I've had. Being T4T is an option, so don't be afraid to explore that.

I also want to point out that in order for you to feel some confidence, or at the very least, some neutrality about your body in relationship with gay men, I suggest stopping referring to your body as "disgusting" to others. The more you say this, the more you'll believe it. Your body is not an expectation; your body is a body just as much as anybody else's. Removing that expectation and those feelings of disgust from your body will help you understand that you can exist outside of certain contexts as your own person, and that you have agency over your body. Navigating dating as a trans person can be cruel, but your body is never your fault. Dating makes the body and self vulnerable; if you're not what somebody is looking for, focus that energy spent worrying about that on finding someone who you're looking for.

My final note would be to find queer positive representations of the communities and relationships you are looking for. Without those, I would not be able to visualize or realize that I could be a gay man who loves other gay men. You need to allow yourself to feel whole as a gay men, you need to allow yourself to feel your attraction to men, and you also need to let yourself feel that shame before you can work on it. I know how it feels. The shame is still something I struggle with, but it is something (being a man with a man) that is possible for you.

I hope this helped. I wish you luck my friend.