#i hope we can actuslly still be friends

[fruitbythehand]

Welp

[naatsuuki-chr]

i hate this

I doubt I’ll ever go through with it but decided I should write this in case. I don’t know how much more I can take but I hope venting it out will take the edge off or something rather than drive me to doing something irrational. Everyone gives me different advice but none of it helps. All my friends are sick of me constantly fucking being sad and bringing it up and I wish I could stop but it just comes in waves and they keep getting higher and higher. It’s like if in a water park the wave machine broke and just kept pushing them higher and higher and I’m just a small kid being drowned and pulled in. One friend in particular is fucking sick of me like this and just wants me to take action but I’ve tried and it doesn’t help and I can’t make myself heal faster. Another one of my friends gave good advice but it’s just not helpful in how to cope when I still enjoy them so much. Another friend just doesn’t get it at all and tried to help but for once his comfort doesn’t actuslly help. One friend was probably the best person to talk to about it but it’s all just about how I didn’t fuck it up when I did and I know I did. My parents just want me to let it go and live my life but it’s not that simple and even they are sick of it and just don’t understand it. The person from underscord helped in the moment but their advices help faded as I kept trying it because I can’t make myself believe that I don’t love them even if I need to. Id put it into music but even that I’ve lost motivation for and really can’t force myself to make it to get shit out because then I create shitty music and hurt myself worse by forcing myself. It’s just an endless, meaningless, and painful cycle of waking up crying, showering, going to classes, coming back, crying, doing things so the RAs don’t worry and check on me, coming back, crying again, watching YouTube to try and distract myself, and then cry to sleep. I have nobody left to vent to and I don’t want a fucking therapist or meds because I don’t want to live like that paying to speak to someone and paying for pills for relief. I deleted most of my shit from social media even though I still lurk around it but I want it to be empty with only what I’m proud of if I end up going down. I have to deal with one friend all the time just saying shit like “shut up” and being passive aggressive saying I don’t take anyone’s advice and honestly I’m sick of it and if anything I think that mixed with being heartbroken over someone I still love so much is gonna be my tipping point. Everyone’s support seems so shallow because yeah they care but only for so long and eventually everyone gets sick of me. Everyone either hates me, gets sick of me, or is disappointed by me and it’s just fucking devastating to live knowing that. If I didn’t have parents and family I’d be gone right now and sometimes I wish I didn’t have them so I could just finally be free of all this pain. Luckily I’m so much of a coward that it’s keeping me alive but it’s just tiring. I’m so tired of living in this sick twisted paradox that life is putting me in. I have to live without the person I love so much but I have to constantly yearn for them. I have to want them to be happy but also inside kind of want them to be unhappy with him or for him to fuck up or fall in love with someone else. I want her more than anything in the universe but I can’t have her but I can’t want anyone else. Hearing her new boyfriend’s name makes me so sad but angry but happy he treats them right. I’m so fucking upset that he gets everything I dreamt of and still dream about but now I can’t have even though now I know I would be the best, better than I ever have. All the things I wanted and still want to do like play skylanders with her, play fossil fighters with her, cosplay cool characters we like, do couples costumes and shit, play other fun games together, build minecraft homes together, cuddle and watch movies we like, stare into their pretty eyes and tell them how much I love and adore them, own a snake or a lizard with them, own a sphinx cat, own a bunny, own a purple 1970s dodge challenger, take rides in the 1950 ford, go watch movies at a drive in theater in the ford or my jeep, invite them to my college on a weekend and hold hands as I show them around campus, cuddle in my dorm room, talk for hours about all the things we like, talk about our childhoods, kiss and feel their warm soft hugs, hear their little cute squeaks when they’re tired, rub their back, bring them things when they are on their period or just in pain in general, take care of them when they get sick, make omlettes for breakfast for them and surprise them with it, take them to heids and eat grilled cheese hoping that a train goes by, walking next to Onondaga lake with them, taking them around Ithaca to see the pretty hills and gorges and forests, take them to beaver lake and carve our names into a bench or tree, take them to the state fair, introduce them to the people at tie dye rose I’ve known since I was a kid, poke bunny butts and pet cows with them, own a pretty house in the woods, buy them random things just because I think they’d like it, take them to concerts for artists we like like tøp, underscores, or Jane Remover, play music together and do cool artistic shit on stage, do awesome photoshoots with cool premises like jester idea I had, have a perfect kid and name her Blaire, make cool clothes, take them when the animatronic dinosaur thing was in town, take them to the record store, watch battlebots, call eachother cute nicknames, sing love songs to them at random, watch The Shining or Hot Fuzz together, share pokemon cards, and now it’s all gone and I cant see that with anyone else. I hate this empty feeling of love that isn’t returned anymore especially when I still see my life with them even when I try to see it with someone else. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying my best to just live my life but it’s so hard knowing the one pwrson I love is out there and most painfully has probably forgotten me or doesnt like me or even care Anymore. It hurts to go to bed and dream of them and see their smile only to wake up and realize I lost it. I never had any problems until now and it’s the worst fucking feeling. I wish there was an easy way out but the worst part is nobody would notice or care except my family and even they probably wouldn’t know for a day or two or even more. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take it’s fucking killing me and if I don’t end up killing myself ill just be a mess for the rest of my life. Everyone keeps telling me it isn’t going to last forever but that it will take a long time to heal but I don’t think I can take anymore. I’ve written poems, I’ve talked to people, I’ve written so many songs I cant anymore, and I lost the girl I wanted my life with, there’s nothing left for me if my music can’t make me happy and the person who made me happy is gone I can’t see a purpose on this cruel fucking earth. If I don’t end it I know I’ll just be praying and mourning and loving for the rest of my life hoping I can try again but knowing ill never get that and being cursed by seeing their perfect smile next to me on a pretty winter morning is so fu king painful. It hurts so bad feeling like they don’t even think of me or that they hate me even if it’s not true because it’s how I feel but then immediately that being followed by the exact opposite feeling. I just wanna get so drunk I get alcohol poisoning or something because at least that would be fun until the end but I can’t even drink without it being so shitty and my brain keeps ripping itself apart. No matter how much I try, if I try to convince myself ill never be with them again it drives me to this and if I try to convince myself I will be with them it drives me to this. I’m sick of shaking and crying and being a snotty drooling mess. I lost the prettiest angel and I can’t fucking take it. I keep having a dream that keeps repeating where we make up and cuddle and shit but it hurts so much to wake up and realize that it may never even happen. I’m writing this just in case I lose this battle. It’s not anyone’s fault. If she finds out I would like her to know it isn’t her fault. I just wasn’t strong enough and I want them to live a happy life with him and not throw it out for their shitty ex even if i still adore them. I want everyone to know it isn’t their fault and ultimately if I have decided to do it which I doubt I will, it was my decision and it was the best for me I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I don’t think I can take anymore. I don’t know what I’m going to do so I’ll just put this somewhere in case it’s my last day or i just randomly decide to do something drastic but I doubt it. Ill probably put myself through another year of suffering before I even have the guts to end this miserable fucking life and even then ill still be scared and still love them.