#i hope people don’t mind seeing older stuff of mine

[tekkenenjoyerblue]

Old Streets Fights art time!! Urien and Gill were actually what initially got me into the games fully‼️ The Gill art was from back when there was the whole trend going around of drawing characters in that dress 💀

[strniohoeee]

Not Mine

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: A glimpse into the rise and downfall of Y/N’s relationship. Torn between wanting to move on with her life, but also wanting to relive the past. Constantly struggling, but will she figure it out in the end?🫂

Warnings⚠️: None really just get your tissue boxes ready😔. This one’s longggg too LOLLL

Song for the imagine: Strange- Celeste

Isn’t it strange

How people can change

From strangers to friends

Friends into lovers

And strangers again?

Day 374

Another day slipping from my fingers. My breathing shallow as my eyes blinked slowly. Staring out my bedroom window as the rain trickled down the glass offering me a reflection of who I hated.

I’d like to think I’m numb to the feeling at this point, but everytime I hear his name, or see his face my chest physically hurts. Some sick and twisted part of me indulged in this feeling. I wanted to feel pain. I thrived off of it. I mean it makes us stronger in the end doesn’t it?

200 days pondering. I’ve spent 200 days trying to scoop my life together. When you’re left with no true explanation your mind tends to go overboard. Filling the cracks with reasons and excuses that you were never given.

He wasn’t mine, and I was so blind to it. Trying to fix someone who so badly didn’t care. Too blind by infatuation to see how he truly felt.

Day 180

“I just don’t understand why” I stated staring down at my empty cup

“You can’t sit here and try to figure out someone who was never even open to you fully in the first place” my friend said to me

“I mean I know, but why give me this false hope. Make it seem like you saw a future with me. When he didn’t” I said swallowing thickly

“It’s been 6 days, do not beat yourself up over it okay? You’re killing yourself trying to rack your brain looking for the whys?” She said caressing my arm

“ I reached out to him yesterday” I said sniffling

“And?” She asked looking at me with a soft smile

“He said he couldn’t see me this weekend, but maybe another time” I replied breaking down

“Please don’t cry okay, you’re going to be okay” she said pulling me and hugging me

Day 374

I got up from my chair and walked out to my living room. I inhaled a shaky breath as I looked around the dimly lit room. My eyes landed on my coffee table. I trembled at the sight of the Polaroids of us littered along the mahogany wood, the vase he got me with nothing in it, and the books he purchased for me.

I started to breathe heavily and my hands began to shake.

“I HATE YOU” I screamed, shoving everything off the table with my fists. Breaking down as I heard the glass shatter and the books tumble down

“I hate your stupid fuck boy hair cut, I hate your cold blue eyes, I hate your stupid dry skin and your cracked lips, I hate your ugly smile….I HATE YOU” I screamed the last part as I banged my fists on the table

Dry heaving from the panic attack I was putting myself through.

Day 1

My eyes browsed the pastry display as I waited in line. These all looked so good, and it was hard to pick just one, but finally my eyes landed on the last heart shaped cookie on the rack

“Next!” I heard someone yell out, my eyes darting their way

“Good morning” I said offering a smile

“Good morning! What can I get for you today” the older woman said smiling at me

“May I have a small hot latte, and the heart shaped cookie right there” I said pointing over to the glass

“Sure thing honey” she said ringing me up

After paying she turned around and began to make my latte while I waited.

As I waited I felt a presence next to me, so I looked over locking eyes with a pair of blue ones. I offered him a smile and he returned the favor

“One latte and one heart cookie” the woman said handing me my stuff

“Thank you” I said grabbing my stuff and smiling at her

“Have a good day” she said

“You too” I replied and began to walk away, nodding my head at the guy who was next to me

I left the cafe and walked to the bookstore down the road. I was browsing around when I decided to walk into the horror aisle

I was looking at some books, mindlessly walking sideways when I bumped into someone.

“Oh sorry” I said looking up, and meeting those same blue eyes

“You’re good” he said smiling at me

“I was walking while looking at the books” I said looking over at the shelves

“You’re heart shaped cookie girl” he said pointing at me

“That would be me” I said laughing

“Those are my favorite, and you got the last one” he said fake pouting

“Would you like it?” I asked him offering him the bag

“Oh no no, thank you though” he said with his hand on his chest

“So you like horror too?” I asked him

“Uhhh no” he said laughing at bit

“Well then I think you’re in the wrong aisle” I said giggling

“I actually don’t read” he said putting his hands in his pockets

“Then why are you at a bookstore?” I asked tilting my head

“Well I like to look at the covers, I’m more of a visual type of guy” he replied

“Ahhh makes sense” I said nodding my head

“But uh don’t let me stop you from looking” he said stepping away from the shelf

I nodded at him and began to look at some books. My eyes landed on a Stephen King book, and I grabbed it immediately

“I’m going to have a seat at those tables and read this book a bit, you can join if you’d like” I said looking over at the boy

“I wouldn’t want to infiltrate” he said back

“Oh no never, join me” I stated smiling at him

We sat at the table, and I took the cookie out of the bag breaking it in half.

“Have half” I said looking up at him

“No don’t worry” he said nodding at me

“Please I insist” I said handing him the cookie

Finally he obliged and began to eat it. We sat chatting for a while about random stuff. When suddenly my phone rang, and I realized I was late to meeting up with my friend

“Oh my god I’m so sorry, but I’m actually supposed to be somewhere right now and I’m totally late” I said scooting back from the chair

“Oh no worries” he said standing up as well

“It was nice talking to you…” I said looking at him

“Matthew, but I go by Matt” he said sticking his hand out

“Well Matt it was nice talking to you, I’m Y/N” I said shaking his hand

“It was great talking to you too” he said smiling at me

“Here let me give you my number. I’d like to talk again” I said nervously

“Yeah sure” he said taking his phone out

After we exchanged numbers I went on with my day

Day 5

Matt and I had met for dinner to catch up. I was enjoying my time with him. He was truly a cool person to hang around, and I slowly felt myself looking for him in my day to day interactions.

“So Matt what brings you to LA” I said looking up at him

“Well I just moved here with my brothers. We’re from Boston and we came here for our jobs” he said

“Ohhh nice what do you do?” I asked taking a sip of my drink

“Well we’re social media influencers” he said laughing a bit

“Oh that’s nice” I said smiling at him

He had shown me their pages and what they do, and I found it fascinating. They were also pretty famous might I add. I felt special hanging out with him, not going to lie.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked him

“No” he replied

“Is it hard because you go between LA and Boston?” I asked

“No I just prefer to be alone” he said chuckling

“Ahhh I see” I said nodding my head

“I just don’t believe in the whole love and soulmate stuff” he replied

“No? How come” I asked him

“I mean what even is love you know? People just throw that word around, and it just ends up hurting people. I like to keep my peace and I like to be single. Less problems” he said

“That’s true” I said nodding my head

“Do you have a boyfriend?” He asked

“Oh no, but I do believe in love and soulmates. I just haven’t found mine” I said laughing

Matt nodded his head and we continued to eat. The rest of the night was amazing, sharing our philosophies on different topics and truly enjoying each others companies

Day 30

Matt and I had been hanging out pretty much everyday, and I truly enjoyed it. Of course I had my own friends, but he was a breath of fresh air.

The only other issue was that I began to have feelings towards him. I tried not to because I know he didn’t believe in love or girlfriends. But he made it hard when he was exactly what I looked for in a man

“You know I enjoy this a lot” he said as we sat on a bench eating ice cream

“Yeah? Me too” I said looking over at him

“It’s nice to just get out with you and have a good time I like it” he said eating his ice cream

“I like it too” I replied

“And I like you too” he said shrugging his shoulders

“I like you too Matt” I replied looking over at him again

That night Matt had walked me home since I wasn’t too far from the ice cream shop.

“Well this is me” I said pointing to the building

“Thank you for coming out tonight” he said

“Thank you for inviting me I had a blast” I said

“Well I’ll let you go now” he said opening his arms for a hug

I hugged Matt and in that moment I felt like my dreams were slowly becoming a reality.

When we pulled away we stopped and stared at one for a moment. Our eyes searched for an answer when suddenly he leaned down and kissed me.

Our lips locked in such a beautiful kiss.

That night when we parted ways my heart thumped with adrenaline. My mind racing with all the possibilities of what we could be.

Day 50

“This view is amazing” Matt said looking at the city line beneath us

“Isn’t it? I come up here when I want to think and clear my mind, but it’s just so beautiful I had to bring you” I said

“There’s not many people here” he replied looking around

“Well yeah, it’s a secret spot” I said smiling at him

“You took me to your secret spot? Am I that special?” He asked

“I guess so” I said biting my bottom lip

He came up behind me wrapping his arms around my waist as he leaned his head on my shoulder. Swaying us side to side slowly.

“When I want to clear my mind I got to this small beach that not many people know about in Boston. It’s actually a place I discovered when my first girlfriend broke up with me. I was so hurt and angry that I just kept driving and landed there” he said looking at the skyline

“I’ve never told anyone that” he whispered

My heart fluttered at this. Being able to break down his walls to get him to tell me more about himself made me warm inside. I think I was changing him….

“I thought you didn’t believe in love?” I said in a whisper

“Well after her I don’t. She completely destroyed me, and I vouched to never give my heart to anyone again” he replied looking at me

“And what about me?” I said laughing

“You’re different” he said tapping my chin with his thumb

Day 63

Matt and I had just had sex for the first time. I mean it was amazing he was so careful with me like I was a dainty feather. He took his time, caressing my every inch, kissing all my insecurities away. He made me feel loved.

My mind moved as we laid in his bed, the sheets keeping us tangled together. The sunlight kissing his skin as he laid on my chest lightly snoring.

His right hand gently placed on my torso as my right hand raked through his hair. Massaging his scalp and occasionally running down his back as the goosebumps rose on his skin.

A smile growing on my face as Matt laid in my arms. My mind playing all our possibilities repeatedly. Matt made me the happiest girl in the world, and I didn’t even know if he realized how special this made me feel

Day 97

My mind began to race as insecurities began to cloud my mind. We’ve been seeing each other for well over two months now, and I wasn’t sure what we were?

I paced around my living room as Matt sat on the couch watching me.

“Y/N what’s wrong?” He asked me, causing me to stop in my tracks

“What….what are we?” I asked looking at him

“What do you mean?” He asked

“I mean us Matt. Were sleeping together, going on dates sending each other gifts, but you haven’t said I was your girlfriend” I replied

“I liked you Y/N a lot, and who cares about labels okay? I want to be with you and that’s all” he said

“I guess…I guess you’re right” I said nodding at him

Day 132

I slammed the door behind me as I stomped into my kitchen throwing my stuff down. I grabbed a bottle of water and began to drink it

“What's the issue now?” Matt asked throwing his hands up in defense

“The issue? Matt some girl was practically throwing herself on you, and you didn’t do a single thing, but when I tell her to back off I’m the problem” I said walking over to him

“Well I can handle my own. I told her I wasn’t interested, and the way you acted was embarrassing” he said

“Matt this happens all the time, and I’m sorry if I embarrassed you, but I’ve had enough of this shit happening” I said shoving past him

“It’s not that serious okay” he said

“You know what? It is serious Matthew. I don’t get this whole casual thing. I want to be your girlfriend. You don’t take me on dates, buy me flowers and have sex with me and say you want this to be casual and just a friends with benefit type of thing. FRIENDS DONT DO THIS” I said raising my voice

“I don’t know what you expect from me. I’ve made this clear from the beginning” he said sighing

“Get out….JUST GET THE FUCK OUT” I yelled opening the front door

Matt left and I slammed the door behind him. Falling down and breaking down on the ground. Why was he being so cruel to me? I didn't get it.

Day 135

I hadn’t spoken to Matt in 3 days, and it was truly bothering me. I prayed he would call or, or show up at my door, but I was disappointed when I got nothing.

I paced my living room anxious and biting my nails contemplating if I should head over to Matt’s house.

After some more bantering with myself I opened my front door to walk out, when I saw Matt getting ready to knock on my door.

“I…what are you doing here?” I asked him

“I came here to say sorry” he said his head hung low

“It’s okay Matt. I just need you to tell me that we aren’t just friends” I said as I moved out the way to let him walk in

He slowly began to walk in without saying a word when I stopped him

“Please” I said in a whisper

“I can’t give you that because it’s not the truth. I’ve made it clear from the beginning I don’t do love. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want” he said looking at me

Like an idiot I ignored his statement and let him into my house. I swore up and down I could change his mind and make him see that we were meant to be together.

Day 171

Matt and I went bowling which was his favorite thing to do, but the whole time it was like his mind was elsewhere.

“I got a strike babyyyy” I said doing a dance that he loved seeing me do

“Nice” he said offering me a half smile

“What’s wrong?” I asked sitting down next to him

“Nothings wrong” he said looking over at me

“I can tell by your demeanor, are you okay?” I asked again reading his face for an answer

“I’m just tired is all” he said

“We can leave, we can get something to eat or head back to my house” I said smiling at him

“I think…I think I’m going to call it a night” he said standing up

“Oh okay” I said also standing up

We closed our lane and headed outside. He waited for a Uber while my house was two blocks down.

“I’ll uh I’ll see you in a few days” he said nodding at me

“Umm yeah sure” I said bluntly

He kissed me on the cheek as his Uber pulled up. He got in without saying anything else, and didnt even look at me as it drove away.

I walked back home that night confused, hurt and angry. Why was he being this way with me?

Day 174

Matt had asked me to meet him at the cafe we first met around 12. I had gotten there around 12:05, and met him at a table in the back

“Hi” I said sitting down

“Hi” he said staring at me

“Sooo what’s up” I said getting nervous

“I think we should part ways” he said swallowing thickly

“What?” I said as my brows furrowed

“I mean we’re just not meant to be. We fight all the time now and I find no joy in what we do” he said blinking

“I mean couples fight all the time right? This is normal we just have to learn to talk it out” I said reaching out to grab his hand

“The thing is I don’t like who I force myself to be around you. What we had was great, but I’m not ready for a relationship and I can’t give you what you want” he stated

“But…but we can work this out. We can find a middle ground” I said fighting for my life

“No Y/N….we’re over” he stated

I looked at him and blinked. When I saw how serious he was I got up from the table and walked away.

I looked back and prayed he’d be lookin for me, but he wasn’t. He didn’t even care to watch me walk out of his life.

That day ruined me

Day 200

I laid in bed most days tossing and turning as the memories of us played in my mind. Haunted by these memories I often forced myself to sleep, or to cry. My wales so loud I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts

Day 43

“So how’s it going with Matt?” My friend asked

“Oh it’s going amazing! I’m head over heels for this guy, and I think we’re going to end up together” I told her

“Tell me more about him” she said as her eyes lit up

“Oh god I love his hair, the wavy brown locks, and I love his blue eyes I swear I could see a glimpse of us in them, and I love his skin how soft it is and how his cheeks flush when I compliment him, I love his lips they’re so plump and moisturized all the time and I love his smile. His teeth are gorgeous and his smile lights up any room he walks into” I said smiling like an idiot

“Oh god… you really are in love with him” she said laughing

“I guess so” I said laughing with her

Day 205

It was a bit over a month now since I last spoke to Matt. I mean I used to see him everywhere and it’s just like he disappeared off the face of the earth.

My chest physically hurts every single day. I was so stupid to think I could change him. He made it clear from the beginning that he didn’t want a girlfriend.

How stupid and blind could I be to think he’d want me. I mean no one ever wants me in the end.

I killed myself for a guy who didn’t care.

Day 387

Here I was finally stepping out of the house after a week of trapping myself away. There was a crafting fair in my area, and I really needed to get out and walk and smell the fresh air.

I stopped at a few booths and purchased some things. Trying my hardest not to purchase things that reminded me of Matt.

After the last booth I decided to have a seat at a small table as I watched children play in the street. A smile creeped on my face as I watched them.

So pure and innocent, and life has yet to screw them over. On how I’d pay to go back in time and be a kid again. As I continued to watch them my thoughts were interrupted

“Y/N?” I heard to the left of me

My brows furrowed and I turned my head looking over. My breath hitching in my throat.

“Matt?” I said confused

“How have you been?” He asked smiling at me and taking a seat

“Oh I’ve been good” I said offering him a smile

“That’s great. I haven’t seen you in so long. You look good” he said

“Thank you, i know it’s been a long time” I said laughing a bit

“What are you up to these days?” He asked me

“Uhh you know just working, reading and writing” I said

“Did you ever finish that book you started writing? It was…it was really good” he said

“Oh man I forgot about that book….Im not even sure where it is” I said

“You should look for it, and finish it. I’d love to read it” he said smiling at me

“Maybe one day” I said nodding at him

“How have you been?” I asked him

“Me? Oh I’ve been good just working with my brothers still can you believe we’re at 5 million subscribers” he said smiling

“Congrats you guys deserve it” I said

“Thank you….wow this is just amazing seeing you again” he said looking at me with soft eyes

“Yeah it is” I said swallowing thickly

He went to speak when a girl appeared behind him

“Oh there you are Matt” she said walking over to him

“Oh hi” he said standing up

“Uhh Crystal this is Y/N, and Y/N this is Crystal my girlfriend” he said

“Nice to meet you” I said, shaking her hand. My stomach twisting into knots

“It’s so nice to finally meet you. Matt has told me so much about you. He says he’s learned a lot about life from you” she said

“That’s great to hear” I said glancing over at Matt

“Well um I don’t want to keep you, it was great seeing you” Matt said

“Ditto” I said

With that they gave me one last glance and walked away.

My mind wrapped around the word ‘girlfriend’……I wasn’t even sure how to feel truly.

Day 426

I had driven up to the hilltop I always went to when I needed to think. After splitting with Matt I refused to come up here. The memories paining me too much.

I was ready to start fresh, and let go of the past. I wanted to be released of Matt’s shackles, and I needed to start somewhere. So the hilltop was the first thing that came to mind.

I watched the busy street bustle beneath me as I let my mind race freely. Coming to the realization that love and soulmates were all bullshit.

Lies fed to us through books, music and movies. It’s a nice thought, but in the end it doesn’t really work out.

I couldn't be angry at anyone. I mean this is just the fact of life.

I let a smile creep on my face as I sniffled. Finding peace of mind was something I looked forward to and I had to take it day by day.

I let the wind rustle through my hair as I watched the trees sway and the golden sun kiss my skin. Life was beautiful and I was taking it for granted.

“Y/N” I suddenly heard from behind me

I quickly turned around and met eyes with Matt

“Matthew” I said giving him a weak smile

“Strange finding you here” he said walking over to me

“This is my secret place” I said batting my tears away

“I suppose that’s true” he replied laughing and sitting next to me

“Congrats on uhh the girlfriend” I said looking at the skyline

“Don’t say it unless you mean it” he said bumping his shoulder into mine

“Well then in that case my lips are sealed” I said

He let out a breath of air and looked at the skyline

“So uhh are you okay?” He asked after a moment of silence

“I will be” I said kicking the gravel around

“You know it sucks realizing everything you believe in is false” I said wiping my nose

“What do you mean?” He asked looking over at me

“You know soulmates and love and all that shit, you were right” I said looking over at him

“No” he said shaking his head

“Yes don’t look at me like that” I said rolling my eyes

“It was meant to be with Crystal and I. I mean if I never stopped her to tell her she dropped her bag…we wouldn’t be where we are now. And the whole time I would think you were right” he said

“No you didn’t” I said laughing

“Yes! Yes I did” he said laughing too

“It’s just….its just me you weren’t right about, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one for you” he said looking at me as he blinked a few tears away

I looked at him and let a few tears fall. Someone I thought was truly mine…but he was not mine. I was the person who paved the way for him to find who he truly needed in life

“You never wanted to be my boyfriend, but here you are” I said nodding my head

“I know, but it just happened” he said

“I don’t understand…I don’t understand how it just happened” I said shaking my head

“I just woke up one day and I knew….I knew that she was who I could spend the rest of my life with” he replied wiping his eye

“Knew what?” I said as my voice got shaky

“Knew what I was never sure of with you” he said looking at me

Those words pained me….they did, but I couldn’t be mad at him. I can not hate someone who doesn’t want me, it's not their fault.

Day 78

“Matt how do you know believe in love I don’t get it” I said laughing as I played with his hair

“It’s simple, I just don’t. What does it even mean? I say this all the time” he said laughing

“How do you know you’re not in love is the real question” I replied back

“Well how would I know?” He said running his hands up my thigh as he laid on my stomach

“I don’t know…..you just wake up one day and you just know” I replied back

To this he stood quiet, and it made me wonder if he was falling in love with me

Day 426

“Yeah” I said ina whisper

Matt pulled me in for a hug and rubbed my back. A hug I so badly needed and I gripped onto him letting a few more tears slip from my eyes. I thought what we had was real, and it wasn’t. And this would be the last time I would really feel Matt

He pulled away and looked into my eyes smiling at me

“I should go, but I’m really happy to see that you’re doing good” he said standing up and walking away

“Matt” I called out and he turned around

“I really do hope that you’re happy” I said standing up

He looked at me for a few seconds licking his lips and flashing a toothy smile at me. Nodding his head and whispering a thank you.

He turned back around and walked away.

I sat back down on the bench running my hands through my hair as I let the tears fall.

This…this is where I would be leaving any memory and may hope of Matt. He would stay here on this hilltop overlooking LA.

Day 574

Dear Diary,

It’s been 400 days since I parted ways with Matt. It’s been over a year and I can finally say that I am happy and okay. The very last conversation with Matt was hard, but it was needed.

I needed him to let me go, so that I could let him go. He helped me understand it all, and for that I’m thankful. He cleared a path for me that would make it easier for me to go on with life.

Although I spent many nights praying that he and I were meant for each other deep down I’m glad that we weren’t. I’m glad he was in my life when he was because who knows who I would be right now. I’m forever grateful he was put into my life to show me the beauty and the pain of it all.

I still have love for Matt, but in a different way than most would think. He helped me find peace of mind, and although it was painful and agonizing torture I’m glad I went through it.

He showed me that there’s much more in life and even though he was not mine I could push forward with myself. He opened my eyes to a lot of things, and I’m grateful for it. He’s doing well with his girlfriend, and I couldn’t be more happy for him. I sometimes find myself wondering what that would be like if it was him and I, but I try not to think about it.

He’s helped me be a better me. I finished my book finally and had it published. It’s actually doing really well, and even showed his support. Saying even though he doesn’t read he finds himself going back to my pages and re reading them. He really is the best thing that has happened to me.

Even though he didn’t make it to the end of my story I’m still grateful he was a part of the chapters. And I will always be grateful to be a part of his story, watching from the sidelines as one of his cheerleaders.

He deserves it all!

So with that diary I am finally closing this chapter of my life, and beginning a new one. Manifesting the life that I have always wanted for myself and happy where I’m heading.

This is the last page of this diary, and it’s such a bittersweet ending to end this right here and wonder if it’ll continue on a new page in a fresh book…..I guess time will tell, and with that I’m off to new ventures!

Sincerely,

Y/N

I shut my book and closed my pen. Rolling my shoulders as I looked out the cafe window. Smiling at the young children playing in the streets….the beauty of life!

I finished my coffee and threw it in the trash. Stretching and cracking my neck as I gathered my journal and pen. I began to walk away

“Excuse me miss” I heard from behind me

“Uh yes” I said turning around

“You left your bag” he said walking over to me with it

“Oh shoot! My minds all over the place” I said shaking my head and grabbing my bag from him

“Oh man I get that!” He said laughing

“Well thank you….” I said waiting for his name

“Oh Samuel! But I go by Sam” he said sticking his hand out for me to shake

A chill ran up my spine….i've come full circle again

“Well thank you Sam, I’m Y/N” I said shaking his hand

“You’re welcome Y/N” he said smiling at me

“I’ll see you around” I said nodding at him

“Yeah I’ll see you around” he said moving his glasses up with his right hand

My eyes immediately darted to the book in his hand….

The same Stephen King book I picked up when I met Matt.

What a small world….

The End

Alright this one was LONGGGGG, but I loved writing it🥺, and I hope you guys enjoyed it. This will not be a series just a quick little imagine where the ending is up to the reader🤭. I love yall and I hope you enjoyed reading it🥹����🖤 Also this is based on 500 Days of Summer because that movie broke meeee😭

-J💅🏽

[an0nymousmessenger]

For I'll Keep Every Promise

Synopsis: He wakes up. Word Count: 2.4k tags. fluff, angst, happy ending Sequel to 'A Thousand Wishes Unheard' note: I was going to post this later but I think you guys need it. Ao3 Link

Darkness. That was all he could see. He felt nothing– as if he was floating in a neverending void.

He was dead.

He had to be. He remembers the bitter taste of blood coating his mouth– the way he struggled and choked on the very thing that ran through his skin. He recalls the loud ringing in his ear, growing ever louder as his vision faded out.

Well, he supposed he tried his best. Really. He gave it his all.

It just wasn’t enough.

What remained of his heart ached. He supposed he wasn’t able to fulfill his promise to you. He hopes you won’t blame him…he had held on till the very end.

Death wasn’t so bad. Before he went he was able to see his students, laughing and smiling, he even got to hold you close before he had left. Not to mention he even saw his friends again, and he had gotten to say goodbye. 

He had no regrets.

Well…he supposes there is still one that lodges itself in the back of his mind.

It was you.

He had never gotten the chance to…

“Satoru,”

He turned his head to look at you, who was savoring your lollipop as you leaned back on the balcony.

Lemon flavored. The very sour kind.

He had a snide suspicion that it was to keep him away from stealing it…

“Satoruu~” you repeated, drawing his attention again.

“Hm?”

You flash him a smile, the kind of smile that lets him know that you are about to either stir up trouble or say something random.

It was the latter.

“What do you want to do when you're older?”

He snorts, “What kind of question is that? Of course– a sorcerer.” He wanted to add ‘what else?’ but decided it was obvious enough. Adding the last part would also ruin his good mood. His path has already been pre-designed and pre-routed for him. He has no other choice.

“No, what I mean is if all this didn’t exist.”

“Aw~ are you saying you would rather not have met me?” He sings out in a fake-pained voice, knowing that it was not what you meant.

You roll your eyes, having been used to his antics for a few years now, “Perhaps,” you say with a playful smile, “Who knows? Maybe I’ll be better off.”

“Nah, I doubt it.”

You sigh before turning to face him. You widen your eyes when you notice he is already looking at you, but quickly move on, but Satoru doesn’t let the red creeping up on the tip of your ears go unnoticed. “I’m saying if you didn’t have cursed energy and stuff…like normal people, you know?”

He wanted to laugh and point out that it sounded like you were indicating that people like you and him were the odd ones, but he decided to let it slide.

“I dunno, maybe I’ll start a singing career, something like that.”

“Pfft, so what? That you’ll get even more admirers and fans?”

“Exactly! What? Don’t you agree? My face is pleasant to look at.”

Scoffing, you say, “One of these days I’ll make sure to crush that ego of yours.”

He rolls his eyes before looking back out at the school grounds, watching the sun slowly set behind the forest of trees. Although he had said the first thing that came from the top of his mind, he supposed singing wouldn’t be that far reached. 

After all, he excelled at everything. 

"How about you?" he asks. "Do you have something in mind already?" 

Observing the setting sun, you reply, "Mhm, yeah. Something like that." 

"Really?" He sounds surprised, not realizing how seriously you were considering it. "What is it?" 

Hesitating, you eventually respond, "It's... nothing." 

His interest is immediately piqued. 

"Come on! What's your idea? Share it with me!" He playfully pesters you with a grin. 

"No!" 

"You can't tease me like that! I told you mine, didn't I?" He whines a bit more before eventually coaxing it out of you.

It was when he saw you sigh, watching as the tension left your shoulders that he knew he won.

“Fine, I’ll tell you then. But you can’t tell anyone else– okay?”

He makes a gesture of zipping his mouth and throwing the zipper away, his curiosity increasing. It always does when it comes to you.

“I want to be…” you wait a bit, as if for dramatic effect, “...an author.”

You turn to look at him after a moment’s silence before breaking out in laughter.

“Haha- what’s up with your face? Surprised?”

Indeed he was a bit surprised. An author? He had no clue. When it comes to you it seemed as if he's only ever scratched the surface. It made him want to know more, want to ask more.

He never does.

"An author," he echoes thoughtfully.

"Yeah."

He wanted to ask why, but you had already started talking.

“An author. I guess it’s because I want to write stories, I grew up reading them you know? Made me feel safe.”

A hint of melancholy graces your smile as your thoughts drift elsewhere; it's a different kind of smile than the one before–a sadder smile.

"Who knows? I'm sure being a sorcerer has provided ample material for incredible stories. I'll be entirely unique. Maybe I'll even include tales about overcoming curses and how people like us save the day."

"Why not add in a ridiculously handsome guy who defeats all the curses with seamless ease too? Make sure 'remarkably attractive' is emphasized."

Laughing, you playfully smack his arm. "Okay, Satoru. I'll consider it."

He couldn’t help but break out into an amused smile. What an odd dream, he thought. Though he supposed he wasn’t against it.

Satoru Gojo excelled at everything, yet nothing he achieved seemed to measure up to you.

He felt his mind start to drift and fade away, threatening to join the other souls in their lost journey home. Wait…he called out. He didn’t want to go just yet. He wanted more time, more time to replay his memories, to live in them just for a second longer.

“Satoru,”

He could hear your voice, calling him in that familiar and recognizable way that was only special to you.

“Satoru.”

He wished he could’ve told you how much he loved hearing you say his name, it rolls off your tongue so nicely. He was never one to care about names, it never mattered to someone like him. 

All he needed was Gojo – a name denoting his status, lineage, and power. His first name barely held any weight compared to his clan's. No one needed to know who Satoru was, no one ever did…so he couldn’t have cared less for his name- and yet you somehow made him love his name– only when you say it does it sound special– like it’s his name like he is someone.

Someone other than the honored one. Someone other than the strongest.

“Satoru!”

There were a lot of things he never got to tell you, another thing to add to his regrets. If only he had been brave enough…if only he had picked up his courage and told you everything.

“Satoru- please!”

He paused. Ah- what is that feeling? He could feel something wet fall onto his face. Was it raining? How could that be? How could he feel if he was dead?

And yet that warmth around his face only made him more confused. He could feel as if someone was holding them, cupping his face carefully as if he could break.

"Please wake up… Satoru, I beg you…"

His eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the sudden brightness.

The first thing he saw when his vision came back into focus was your face. Your crying face looking down at him with your hands cupping his face.

Then he looked around, realizing that the battlefield on which he had been sliced in half was gone. He was in a room, a hospital room.

He looked down and saw the rest of his body, no longer split into two. Had Shoko done this?

“Satoru!”

He returned his gaze to you. You were smiling, smiling, and crying.

Questions, so many questions flooded through him at that moment, but he decided that he could ask those later. Right now was more important, right now felt like it was all happening inside a dream.

“Hey…crybaby, seems like you you missed me?” He teased with a small grin.

You gave him a look through your tear-soaked face as if you couldn’t even believe what he was saying.

“Y-You! You bastard! You annoying– infuriating- stupid dumbass!”

“Aw, come on…” he drags, “You don’t mean those…do you hm?” Although the tone in his voice is light– playful even as if he hadn’t just returned from death, as if all he wanted right now was to live this moment to the fullest, he was dearly wishing this�� whatever this was– to last a little longer.

He slowly brings his trembling arm to hold onto yours, he wanted to hold on to you tight, as if everything he was seeing was about to break, to fall apart for him to realize it was all a dream.

He waited for you to disappear, to return to the part of his imagination that was playing tricks on him.

Instead, you move sideways to hug him, crying onto his shoulders.

"No...no, I don't," you managed through choked sobs.

He hummed softly, "I guess I kept my promise after all, huh?"

You nod into his shoulder, still holding him tightly.

You and him fall into a comfortable silence, he lets you cry on his shoulders just as how you let him hold onto you. 

Several minutes passed before you pulled away, sniffling and attempting to compose yourself while wiping away tears with your sleeve.

Satoru wanted to reach out and wipe them for you, but his newly healed injuries did not allow him to, moving his hand had already been hard.

It went on like that for a while; you sniffling and crying as Satoru stared at you quietly, taking everything about you in as if this was the last time he was going to see you, just the same way he did on that night underneath the torii gate, using his eyes to try to imprint every detail, everything, every aspect of you into his memory.

That night felt like a lifetime away.

He was the first to break the silence, “Where are the others?”

By now you had calmed down, and were able to answer in a coherent way, “Recovering…everyone is- they’re fine.”

Fine. Not good, but fine.

He’ll take it for now.

“We managed to win and…” you give him a look, “you know…the students declared their victory for you,” You say with a smile.

His students. They managed to do it, just as he thought they could. He sighed contently.

You then spend the next half hour going over exactly what had happened after he had passed out, how Kashimo had come out right after him, and how eventually the rest of the students joined in.

In the end, they had managed to pull through, but it wasn’t over. Sukuna had been dealt with, Megumi’s condition was unknown, and Kenjaku was nowhere to be found.

Shoko had indeed been the one to heal him. Immediately after the battle they were able to recover his body and managed to heal him back together just in time.

“We- we almost- I didn’t know if we made it in time or not…” You say, choking up again. He could see the tears you were desperately trying to hold back, to look brave in front of him, trying to break through.

“Hey, I’m right here, aren’t I?” He beckons you to come closer.

He eventually holds you in his arms, drawing slow circles on your back, as he knows it calms you, “Shhh, I’m right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere else.”

You mutter, “Better not,” which causes him to laugh.

He wanted to let this moment drag on forever, just you in his arms, just you and him.

“This…this is real– right?” He says quietly, and in such a small voice he doubted you had heard him.

You raise your head to look at him, the soft kind of smile he’s always known playing on your face, “Yes, Satoru. This is real, as real as it can be.”

He can feel himself start to tear up, because if he had to be honest- he was scared too, he was terrified, but he had no choice. He had to play his role, his role as the strongest.

But now he could just be Satoru, just him holding onto you, keeping you close. 

“Then I’m glad.”

Bonus:

“Gojo Sensei!” Yuji, the always energetic kid exclaimed as he ran into the room, followed by You, Maki, Yuta, Nobara, Panda, Inanumaki, Shoko, and everyone else.

They all had recovered for the most part and seemed to be relatively okay. They all wore relieved expressions as they entered the room to see that their Sensei was alright.

Yuji was the first to arrive at his Sensei’s bedside.

“Hey, kid!” Gojo Sensei waved. He had recovered enough to prop himself up and do basic movements, which to Shoko had been a miracle itself.

Yuji then began launching himself into the things that had happened while Gojo had been recovering, and Gojo returned the energy. Everyone got their turn, talking until visiting times were over and they had to be ushered out.

You were the last to leave. Just before you turned the doorknob Satoru called after you, “Hey- wait.”

You turn around, waiting for what he wants to say.

“When- uh when this is all over and when you have some free time, let me take you out, yeah?”

You barely ever heard Satoru Gojo stumble over his words, and when he did you know it was because he was nervous, and everyone knows Satoru Gojo is never nervous, yet that always seemed to be the exception when it comes to you.

You found it cute, the way he would try to seem aloof as the back of his neck became a beautiful shade of bright red.

“Yeah, but let’s save that for when you recover.”

“Don’t worry! I’ll be up and ready by next week,” he says as if it were a fact, his blue eyes seemed to shine even brighter.

You sigh, even after coming back on the brink of death he still acts like a child, but you smile nonetheless, “Next week it is then.”

[v-love]

please could I request a sweet fluff with kit walker x female reader where they both have feelings for each other but the reader feels so insecure bc she is already a full adult woman who never had a date before, never kissed anyone in her entire life and she feels so behind everybody with her zero romantic experience, and kit comforts and reassures her, talks a lot very friendly and sweetly with her trying to get her off any self judgment and stuff, and so with him being so sweet and understanding and friendly to her she finally sees her time of loving unfolding and slowly things happen between them? tysm, i think it would be the sweetest thing ever! :')

 I Already Know

Kit Walker x Fem!Reader (Smut)

Summary: Everyone has a team of writers who are writing their story. You were no different. The writers of your story however were cruel and gave you nothing but sadness and false hope. That was until a new writer steps in, giving you the love and care that you deserve…starting off by giving you Kit Walker.

Not proofread </3

Warnings: smut at the very end, angst, fluff, loneliness, the narrator speaking to the reader. (I hope i didn’t miss any-)

Images/GIFS are not mine.

Word count: 10k

THIS IS NOT PROOFREAD LIKE AT ALL IM SORRY

TW: There is a possibility that you could feel as though you are not real while reading this. You are real, please remember that.

The paragraphs/sentences in italics is the narrator/writer speaking to you.

The paragraphs/sentences in italics and bold are you speaking to the narrator/writer.

You sigh softly as you crack your neck. Your work day was so difficult, multiple people ordering last minute cakes and cookies, difficult customers, your bakery being short staffed. Overall, you had one of the worst days. It’s nearing Christmas and you had so much to do the next day to complete all the orders you got. You were thankful for your job at the humble little bakery in town but days like this made you question whether or not you should just quit and do the job you had a college degree for, teaching. You loved children, you loved caring for them. You loved watching how they run up to their parents and hug them tightly. You wish you could have kids, you would be a wonderful mother. The only problem was that you have never had a love interest in your little story. You were just a lonely woman in this cold world.

However, I see you little bird. I see your sadness, your pain, your loneliness. Don’t worry your little head, I’m going to finish your story with a happy ending. The writers of your story have done you wrong but that’s alright. They’ve given your delicate form to me so that I can give you the happiness that you deserve, little dove. Go on, walk home. I’ll be there shortly to start your new happy life. Rest your head on your now soft pillow and sleep for tomorrow you will meet someone who will make you the happiest woman on earth.

“What a strange dream…” you say to yourself as you wake up. It felt as though someone was talking to you through your dream, giving you false hope. “Maybe it will get better.” You say to no one in particular as you get up. You walk to your bathroom and stare at yourself. You smile a bit as you see that you looked pretty. Your hair was all over but it looked so soft. Your eyes looked sleepy but in the most beautiful way. Your cheeks looked full of color, making you look youthful. You were getting older and the fact that you were sill alone made your family talk. They spoke so much but never saw how hard you worked to get the things you had. You shake those thoughts from your mind and get in the shower, seeing the sun rise through your small shower window. You lathered your hair up with your favorite shampoo that smelled like strawberries. Sighing as you massage your scalp, gently scratching to make sure you clean it properly. You take your time as you rinse your hair, smiling at how nice the warm water felt cascading down your back, filling the steam with the smell of strawberries.

The conditioner smelled just as divine as your shampoo, making you smile more. You make sure to gently tie your hair up so the conditioner could sit. Rinsing your hands quickly, you move onto your body. You lather your arms up, taking care to not miss any spots. You lather up your breasts and stomach, looking down at yourself. You hum a bit as you thought about how you looked. Shaking away those thoughts, you move to your intimate areas and legs which were hairless since yesterday. Taking your wash cloth, you scrub your skin gently, getting all the places you needed to. Rinsing your body, you smile at how glorious it was now smelling. Lastly you rinse your hair from the conditioner, hearing the birds chirp sleepily from outside.

After drying off and doing your dental care as well as applying your lotion, you dry your hair. You had about an hour and a half to do everything but for some reason time was slower than usual, giving you a chance to look your best as always. Sitting down to do your makeup, you sing along to whatever the old radio was playing. “Name Game? Haven’t heard that one in a bit.” You say to yourself as you finish up. You now had thirty minutes to get out of the house, slipping your shoes and coat on, you head out the door.

As you drive to the bakery, you think about all the orders you and some others must make. You enjoyed baking things, so you weren’t mad at it, you just hated it when the customers were inconsiderate. It’s only a few days till Christmas and you and your coworkers needed to get home to your families. Nonetheless, you all worked hard for them. As you walk in, you’re greeted by customers and your coworkers as you pass by to put your things up so you can get to work. Putting your apron on you quickly get to kneading the doughs of different breads and placing the fondant on cakes. Your hands are gentle as you place little candy charms on top of the cakes and some of the cookies. Soon you trade spots with someone so that you don’t tire; cleaning yourself up to take orders.

As you walk up to the register, a young girl looks up at you excitedly, jumping a bit when she sees you. “Hello, Miss Y/n! Mama, sent me to get her usual bread and biscuits!” She tells you, handing you her money. You laugh and bag her orders, taking her money before leaning in. “Don’t tell anyone but I snuck in a couple cookies in for you and her.” You say quietly, watching her beam with excitement. Waving, she says thank you and heads out, leaving you with a warm feeling in your heart.

A young man walks up and smiles at you, wringing his hands from coming in from the cold outside. “Hello, miss. Could I get those two wreath cookies there?” He asks, looking a little distracted. “Those? Oh no, they’re old. Do you mind waiting 5 minuets for the new ones to set?” You ask, preparing yourself for cold words. The man shakes his head, smiling still. “Not at all! How much?” He says, his hands fumbling with his wallet. “A dollar even.” You say, a little shocked at how sweet he was. Watching him fumble to get a dollar, you take in how handsome he was. The way he smiled at you while giving you the money made your cheeks warm. “I’ll be over here, darlin’.” He says, walking towards the small tables and chairs, taking a seat.

Your mind was on other things as you carefully place the cookies in their bag. You hear the jingle from the door and look up, seeing one of your favorite customers. “Hello, Lana! I haven’t seen you in a few days.” You say, walking over to her holding the bag of cookies. “Busy with book signings and interviews...oh what are these?” She asks, eyeing the bag of cookies in my hand. “Oh these are a new design. Give me a second and I’ll show you.” Walking over to the man from earlier, you hand him his cookies. “Thank you, I appreciate it...Lana? Fancy seeing you here.” He says to her, smiling as she hugs him. “My goodness! I have to see you and the kids more often!” She says and as they continued to speak, you seem to drift away and disappear.

Quietly walking back to your station, you pack more orders. Of course he had kids, was probably married as well. Your thoughts become sad as you hand people their orders as they came in to pick them up. Without you noticing the man from before, Kit, walks up and clears his throat. “Miss?” He calls, watching as you turn to him. “Is there anything else you’d like?” Your smile doesn’t quite reach your eyes this time, making Kit tilt his head a bit. “Well yes and no. Is it possible for you to make me a batch of these for next year?” He asks, his hands fidgeting with the money in his hands. Your hands move quickly to jog down what he needed from the bakery. “The total is going to be 6.50.” He nods and hands you the money, his fingers lingering for a moment.

Ignoring the way the touch made your skin burn, you look up at him. “You can pick them up in the afternoon at around 3.” You say, handing him his receipt. Kit nods and smiles sweetly at you, nodding in thanks. “I’ll be back soon, I want my kids to enjoy coming here as well. Merry Christmas…er- happy holidays.” He smiles more at the mention of his children and heads out the door. You sigh softly and turn to switch places with someone, being drained from social interactions.

Towards the end of the work day, you put your apron up and gather your things. Your shoulders hurt a bit from the tension they had, making grin softly as you stretch. Walking out the door in the cold snowy air, you get in your car and turn it on. It was 6 o’clock in the evening so you thought it’d be best if you just got some food at the diner, just to treat yourself for the hard days work. As you pull out and drive off, you think of what you want to eat. Where you in the mood for breakfast or in the mood for a greasy dinner?

If you chose breakfast you would get waffles, scrambled eggs, that delicious sweet maple bacon, hash browns, and maybe a few sausage links. Now, if you got coffee then you’d be awake all night and you couldn’t have that, you had some things to do before Christmas. Maybe some juice would be good with that meal. Yeah, you would get juice. If you chose the greasy dinner you would get a hamburger, fries, and a delicious milkshake. Maybe you would do a cheeseburger and switch the plain fries to those spicy fries. For the milkshake maybe a vanilla. You can’t go wrong with the basics. After some though you nod, making your decision.

Watching the world move around from the inside of the diner, you see a couple holding hands as they walk to the door. The girl was beaming as her handsome man kissed her cheek, giving her a dashing smile. She looked happy and content. Shaking your head from the negative thoughts, you see your food coming. You had chosen breakfast. Looking up, you watch the television and see Lana there. It was a rerun of her speech at the library that happened two days ago. As you watch her, your mind goes back to that sweet young man. You wondered if his children looked just like him…or did they look like their mother.

As you finish, you pay and soon head out of the warm diner, driving home. You observe everyone and everything around you as you drove home, humming to whatever was playing on the radio. Your thoughts begin to drift into what you would do for Christmas. Lana and you had become good friends and she invited you to her Christmas party. You already knew what you were going to bring to the party and what you were going to give Lana. All she asked for was her favorite cookies and breads. As you think about those you remember that you hadn’t picked out your outfit for the party yet. Maybe you would wear your favorite dress; it was a beautiful black dress that molded to your body shape but concealed anything you wanted it to. It was one of your favorites because you didn’t have to wear a belt to make it look complete.

Pulling into your driveway, you sit in your car for a moment. You feel the warm air that had previously been in the car turn cold ever so slowly. The only reason you weren’t going into your house was because the lawn was absolutely covered in Christmas decorations. You had forgotten that the neighbors kids wanted to spruce up your house. You laugh as you see different sized snowmen and women “dressed” in suits and sweaters. They all had little friends or family surrounding them, near the door you see a small group. The snowmen were dressed in similar clothing to people you knew. It was you and two of the neighbors kids. Your heart warmed as you step closer to them, smiling at the little gesture they did.

As you start to shiver, you go into the warmth of your small home. Peeling off your coat and boots, you relax and walk over to your room. You take off your clothes and turn on your television, landing on your bed with a happy sigh. You stretch and hear your bones crack as you express your groan of relief. Getting into the covers, you watch a show that was playing, drifting off to sleep.

Now little dove, I do have one request to make. Stop sabotaging yourself. I know it may be hard but trust me, you will be fine. Please let me take care of you. I love you more than anyone else in this world at the moment.

At the moment, you say?

Why yes, I did say that didn’t I? That’s because there is going to be someone who will love you as much or even more than I do.

Yes little dove, I do love you. I have loved you ever since I met you.

How is that possible? Well as you know, I am your new writer. You have never seen me but I have seen you. I see you everyday.

Enough questions, you need rest. Sleep well, my little creation.

Blinking slowly, you take in your surroundings. The smell of vanilla registers in your brain and you smile. You had left open your favorite candle before leaving for work. You were off today because it was Christmas Eve. Sitting up, you stretch and smile while looking at the time. Your eyes widen as you see it was almost 10 am. You normally were up at 6 or 5, you were never this late to wake up. You guess that you needed it as you get up and change.

Huffing as you mix multiple batters, you bake your cookies. It was only a few hours before the party and you were almost done with everything. As you take out the breads and cookies to let them cool, you jump in the shower. Washing your hair wasn’t necessary so you just took care of your body. Getting out soon after rinsing, you dry yourself and do your normal routine. Humming, you add a bit more makeup than usual, adding a darker eye-shadow to your lash line to give you a more “party” look.

Packing up the presents and other things, you head out the door and into your car. “Alright, I got everything…” you say to yourself as you drive off. You looked so beautiful but you didn’t even know it. You wave to a few of the kids that you knew while passing by, seeing them play in the snow. Lana’s home wasn’t too far so you were there in just a short 10 minute drive. Gathering your things, you knock on the door, hearing music and laughter already.

Lana smiles widely as she opens the door. “Y/n, hello! I’m so glad you made it!” She says and she engulfs you with a hug. “I’m glad I did too, the raids were a little icy.” You laugh as you were led inside. “I brought some desserts, don’t worry I have your favorites as well.” You say as you help her place the desserts in the kitchen. She was absolutely beaming at the mention of her favorites. “Oh I’m so excited!” She says, looking at you with a big smile. “I have two little ones I want you to meet!” She takes your hand and leads you to the two kids playing with dolls and trains.

You see the girl look up and smile widely, going up to hug Lana. “This is Julia and this is Thomas. They’re my godchildren!” She says, hugging Julia back. Thomas tilts his head as he watches you wave shyly at Julia. “Hello miss.” Julia says, equally as shy as you were. “Oh please, no need to be formal. You can call me Y/n.” You say, smiling softly at the young girl. “And hello Thomas, it’s nice to meet you both. Lana has told me so much about you.” Your smile grows as you see Thomas stick out his hand to shake yours. “Those are my kids. Sweet things aren’t they?” You hear a male voice say, turning to face the direction which it came from.

You see the man from the shop smiling at you as you shake Thomas’ hand. “They’re so sweet.” You say, feeling Julia run past you to hug her father. “Kit, you remember Y/n right?” You hear Lana say, feeling her hand on your shoulder as she spoke. “Of course I do! The kids are obsessed with the cookies I bought them and won’t stop asking who made them.” He says laughing, you feel Julia tug at your dress to get your attention. “Did you make them? Y’know, those wreath cookies?” She asks, watching you nod. “I actually did, I heard you loved them.” You see Thomas nod vigorously and hand you something. “We made these bracelets for whoever made them!” He says as you open the small box.

The bracelets were made of small beads of different colors. One was made of mostly reds and the other one was made up of mostly greens. “Christmas colors…they’re so pretty. Thank you so much. I’ll wear them right now.” You say, slipping them on and watching as the kids beam their big smiles at you. “This is definitely my favorite Christmas present this year.” You say and laugh as they both jump around. “Did you hear that papa? The pretty Y/n said they were her favorite!!” Julia said, being picked up by Kit. “I did! I told you she would like it. Now go on and play with the other kids, it’s my turn to talk to the pretty Y/n.” He says as Julia practically jumps out of his arms to go play with the other kids.

Your brain short circuits for a second at the fact that both Julia and Kit called you pretty. You were flattered of course but you thought differently, your dress wasn’t as nice as other people’s clothing. The simple jewelry wasn’t as sparkly as other people’s. However to Kit and Julia you looked so pretty. You looked like a person straight from heaven. The way the dress fit you made Kit’s head spin a bit and they way you spoke to his kids made him smile. Was it possible that he was already smitten with you?

Yes in fact it was possible. As the party goes on you, Kit, and Lana dance around with the kids and play games with them. When it came time to eat, Kit helps you set up everything. “Thank you for being sweet with my kids. It’s a bit difficult with two different looking kids because people are assholes.” He says as he hands you a tray, his touch linger once again like in the bakery. You pause as he spoke, frowning a bit. “It’s because of Julia isn’t it? I don’t understand why people are so cruel. That girl is such a sweetheart…I would give anything to have a daughter like her.” You sigh softly and grab the plates. “What do you mean? You and your mister don’t have any kids?” He asks you, looking confused.

You laugh dryly. “What mister? I’m not married, honey.” Finishing up setting the table you look around for anything else. “Am I missing anything?” You look up at Kit, noticing he’s just staring at you. He remembers that he’s supposed to help you and shakes his head. “No you’re good.” He replies, smiling softly at you. “Let’s get everyone.” He says and heads to get Lana and the others. You sit as the others file in, Julia making a bee line to the seat next to Lana. You feel a small hand tap on your arm. “Can I sit next to you Miss Y/n?” Thomas asks shyly, his face brightening when you nod yes.

Everyone eats and compliments were heard from all around for Kit and Lana’s cooking. The room was buzzing with happiness and quiet conversations. Laughter was shared all around the table as you say some dumb jokes with everyone. Soon you receive compliments on your baking, making you blush shyly and smile in thanks. You hear Julia gush about how yummy she thought the gingerbread cookies were and Thomas arguing about how the chocolate chip cookies were better. Kit was quick to mediate the argument saying that they were both the best. “Y’all are too sweet.” You say to everyone, laughing as you see people acting like they’re stealing cookies.

Towards the end of the party people start to help clean up and leave, you and Kit deciding to stay behind. “It’s only 8, I think the kids could watch something while we talk.” Lana says, setting up the television for them before heading back to the couch. Kit nods and smiles softly at her. “They love it here anyways.” He says and faces you, holding a beer bottle. “What are you doin’ tomorrow? I heard the roads won’t be as cold and icy.” He says as Lana sits behind him holding his free hand.

Shaking your head you sip your wine. “Nothing, I don’t have any family here. Plus everyone is busy with their own families.” Lana frowns and sits up. “Spend it with me and Kit? It would be lovely to have you again, right Kit? The kids would probably pester you about sweets but they’ll be happy too.” She says laughing, Kit chuckling too. “I don’t know, you guys have everything planned out. I’m not getting any younger, Lana. I can’t run around for two days straight.” You joke and sip on your wine again, hearing Lana giggle a bit at your joke. “Oh please, we’re close in age, you act like you’re 72.” She says.

Rolling your eyes, you laugh too. “I guess, I’m still older than you.” You hear her scoff, crossing her arms. “By two years, please Y/n.” She laughs and looks over at Kit. “And you’re like what? Two years old?” She jokes and Kit’s face turns sour. “God, don’t start with that. The kids kept saying I was younger than them. Bossin’ me around and shit.” He laughs and looks over at them, you could see the love he had for the pouring out of his eyes and heart. It was almost suffocating. Lana sits up again and smiles brightly. “Let’s play cards. Just one round before Y/n has to leave.” She says and looks at you with excitement. 

You all play four rounds of cards before you had to leave. You take your glass pans to your car and whatever else you had won from the games. You hug Lana and the kids, them telling you how excited they were that they’ll be seeing you the next day for Christmas. They run back in the house with Lana and get bundled up in blankets, Kit helping them with their cups of hot chocolate. Just as you reach your car door you hear the soft low voice of Kit calling your name. “Y/n, let me get that for you.” He says as he opens the door for you, helping you in. “Go inside, it’s windy and snowing.” You say, shivering slightly as your car warms up. Kit shook his head and just smiled. “Gotta make sure you pull out safely. It’s warmed up now, you can drive.” Kit stands back and waves at you as you pull out of the driveway, waving back a him. 

Driving home, you reflected on how much fun you had. You don’t normally go to parties because you always end up alone on a corner watching everything. Smiling to yourself, you think about which kind of treat you would bring for the kids. Pulling into your driveway, you sit in your car for a moment, pondering some more. “Chocolate chip was the one that was eaten the fastest…but more compliments on peanut butter…I’ll just mix them.” You got out of your car and head inside with your things. Letting the warmth engulf you, you pull off your boots and coat, groaning as you stretched while walking to your bathroom. Taking off your makeup and changing into your nightwear, you settle down in your warm bed. You hadn’t felt this warm and relaxed in so long that you fall asleep in an instant as the snow outside begins to fall.

I told you that I would help you feel happy. Tomorrow you have two small kids that will soon love you as much as they love Lana.

Little Dove, you already seem happier and I’m glad it’s happening so fast. Just be careful…don’t let yourself get hurt or think anything negative.

Goodnight, little dove. Sweet dreams.

The next day came and you quickly got ready. You said you’d be there in the morning so you had little time. Bringing things with you, you warm up your car, frowning when you head how much it struggled to even turn on. Waiting for a few, you look at your things and made sure you brought everything. Soon, you pull out of the driveway and head to Lana’s house. Your grip on the steering wheel tightened as you think about wether or not they would like the gifts you got. Suddenly you hear a strange noise as you drive, frowning again as you listen. Luckily you got to Lana’s house before your car could do anything else stupid. Knocking on the door, you shiver as you wait for someone to open up. You could hear laughter coming from inside as Kit greets you. “Hey Y/n, Merry Christmas!” He says and helps you in, taking your coat and boots off. “It’s so cold out there, I’m glad you’re here safe.” His voice was soft and warm as he spoke. It was dripping with honey when he calls out to his kids to come help and greet you.

Julia rushed to you and helped with your things while Thomas made sure you were warm with a cup of hot cocoa. “We missed you Miss Y/n!” Julia said happy as she placed the wrapped presents under the tree. Your smile grew as you told them how much you missed them too. Lana hugs you as she greets you, telling you how glad she was that you were here. “It’s so cold, how did you even get out of the house?” She says and leads you to the couch. “Don’t know but my car was paying the price. It was making a weird noise every time I pressed the breaks.” You say sighing, you didn’t have the money to fix your car entirely but you did have enough to change the breaks.

Kit crosses his arms. “You probably need new ones because whenever it gets cold, the breaks become stiff.” He says and thinks more. “You maybe don’t have the right breaks? I found fix your car, just bring it in.” Kit says with a smile. “Really? I appreciate it…the guy I used to go to would always charge me more.” You say, sipping your hot cocoa. “They tend to do that because men think women don’t know about cars.” Lana says and rolls her eyes a bit. “Kit is honest though, there isn’t a mean bone in his body.” Lana smiles at him and he bashfully laughs, shyly scratching his neck.

“Papa, can we open presents now?” Thomas asks as he sits in his lap, making puppy dog eyes to make Kit give in. Looking at Lana for confirmation, Kit let’s them open presents. “I got a car!! It’s red like papa’s!” Thomas says as he shows Lana his first present. Julia gasps as she rips the paper from a stethoscope. “Papa look! Now I can be a doctor!” She says to Kit with excitement. They open the rest and run around while playing with their new toys. Lana hands you a gift, it was heavy to your surprise. “You didn’t have to…” you say, smiling shyly. “Yes I did. Now go on and open it.” She says, smiling softly.

Carefully, you peel the wrapping and gasp as you held a beautiful porcelain cookie jar. The one you had always been eyeing from afar. “Lana…this is too much. It’s perfect even .” You say and place it somewhere safe before hugging her. The gift wasn’t grand but for you, it was everything. Kit smiles and taps your shoulder, handing you a small present. “It’s from the kids. I think you’ll like it.” He says and watches as you open it. It was a small crocheted doll of you. “They begged a friend of mine to make this for you. I think it came out pretty.” He says and watches as you gently touch every detail. “It is very pretty…they didn’t have to.” You say and hug both Julia and Thomas, their giggles filling the room as you do.

“I do have something for you. I asked Lana which cookies were your favorite and I made them.” You hand him his red bag of cookies. His eyes widen and he immediately takes a bite out of one. “They taste just like my mama’s cookies…this is the best…” he smiles widely and hands you and Lana your presents. Lana smiles as she puts on the bracelet that was given and helps you with yours. “This is so pretty…thank you Kit.” You say shyly and you with the little charm of a rose on your bracelet. Lana’s had a daisy as the main charm. “This is the best, I’m never taking it off.” She says and hugs Kit.

You all head to the dining room to have breakfast, Lana and you helping the kids with what they wanted. Lana had made pancakes and waffles, making the kids more excited. Sitting down next to Kit with Julia on your other side, you eat your food. “Lana, I forgot how good you cook. I might have to steal you.” You say laughing, Lana shaking her head in amusement. Kit helps Thomas put syrup on his pancakes, smiling softly as he cuts it up for him too. Julia begins to ask you a bunch of questions about baking, her eyes widening as you tell her about all the things you can make. Thomas butts in saying that he could probably bake everything in the world. “I don’t think even Y/n could bake everything, Tom.” Lana says as she finishes up her food. “I don’t think so either.” You say giggling and yelp Lana clean up as soon as everyone is done.

As the day goes on, you all play in the snow, play games, watch movies, and bake. It was like a Christmas movie but in real life. Soon the day turned into night and the children were absolutely exhausted from the exciting day. Before you left, Julia and Thomas hugged you and watched as you, Kit, and Lana walk up to your car. Getting cold, they both run back inside. “I don’t think you should drive home in this car, Y/n.” Lana said as she hears the transmission make a weird noise when Kit turned the car on. “I don’t have anything else, Lan…” you sigh and try to figure out a way to get home in your mind. “Take my car, I don’t have anywhere else to be for the holidays anyway.” She says, handing you her keys. “I trust you.”

After saying goodbye you head home. The concern for you was still ringing in your mind, why were they so afraid? It’s not as if you haven’t been driving with a broken car before. Shaking your head, you ignore the conflict in your head. As you pull into the driveway, you shiver a bit. The wind came back and it was bone freezing cold; along with the wind cams bad memories. As you unlock your door, you get dejavú, remembering what is was like to be sobbing in the cold because your key wasn’t going in the lock. Taking your coat off and hanging it, you remember that no one will ever help you take it off. Heading to your room, you lay in bed and remember that you had one one to keep you warm. It was always the same.

Y/n don’t do that. Don’t start to push yourself down. I told you that you would have someone that loves you. Even the writer of his story wants you two to be together. Just let it happen, please. You both need it.

Yes, both you and him.

Don’t argue with me on this because he’s just as troubled as you are. Sure he’s had a bit more luck in the love department but that’s because he’s one of the most handsome men in town.

Don’t start thinking that you’re not beautiful either. You’re one of the pretty women too, now go to sleep. Kit is coming tomorrow to bring a rental for you.

Good night, little dove.

The next morning you ride, tears still clinging onto your lashes from crying while sleeping. Wiping them away, you lay there thinking about what that voice in your head had said. You knew you weren’t delusional, the voice sounded to real. You decided to test something. “If you’re real…give me a sweet letter from that person you spoke about.”

A letter? That’s too simple, my love.

“Too simple? Fine, then…bring him to me.” You say, your voice quivering slightly. Just then, there was a knock on the door. Your eyes widen as you quickly got changed, flying down the stairs to your front door. Eyes widening more, you peer through the peep hole. “Kit..?” You say to yourself before opening the door. Kit’s face lights up, his eyes scan over your appearance. You didn’t feel uncomfortable by this, Kit was just admiring how comfortable you looked. “Mornin’ Y/n. Did I wake you?” He says, smiling still. “No, not at all. It’s cold, come in?” You say, shivering a bit. “I can’t, I have to go to the store. Lana sent me away while her and the kids made something for me. I got your rental here.” He says, handing you the keys. You didn’t want to admit that you felt a bit sad that he couldn’t come in, how foolish of you. “Oh! The red one? It’s too pretty, Kit.” You say, shyly toying with the keys. “Not prettier than you, miss.” He says, for a moment panic flashes through his eyes at what he said.

“Me? Kit, don’t be ridiculous.” You say, your voice becoming slightly quieter. “Yes you…why wouldn’t I think your pretty?” He says, being more bold this time. Kit crosses his arms and looks at you, sighing softly. “What are you trying to do, Mr. Walker? Bring an older woman’s hopes up? It’s not funny or a game to me…thank you for the car. I’ll make sure to pay you extra when I get my car back.” You say quickly, starting to shut the door. Kit quickly puts his foot on the door, groaning at how hard it hit him. “Y/n no. Listen to me please. Just for a second…” he says, not pushing open the door, just holding it. “What else is there to say Kit? A man like you shouldn’t be associated with someone like me anyways.” You say, pulling the door open slight to see him. Kit’s eyes were desperate as he peered into yours.

“Why not? You’re so beautiful…when I touched your hand for the first time, I felt somethin’. I don’t know what it is but I do know that it came from you.” You frown a bit and shake your head. “No you didn’t…” Kit sighs and takes your hands, holding them to his chest. You could feel how rapid his heartbeats were, eyes widening. “Do you feel that? That’s what happens every time I see you. It’s even faster now because you’re touching me.” He says, his breathing becoming ragged in desperation. Kit wanted you to see and feel what he felt for you. “It’s only been two weeks, I know…but I’ve only felt this once before and I lost that feeling to something tragic. I can’t help it…”

You both stare at each other, your hands still on his heart, his own on yours. Hesitating, you move your hands to his cheeks, cupping them with your warmth. Your own mind was reminding you of what happened earlier in the morning. They brought you Kit. Kit was the one they spoke of. Kit leans into your touch, sighing something while closing his eyes. “You have to believe me…please.” He says, your thumbs softly caressing his face. “I do…just give me time to get used to this. I’m not…I’ve never…” your words fail you as he opens his eyes again. “You’ve never been…loved? Well loved like this anyway. But how?” He questioned, pulling you close to him and engulfing you in his embrace. “I don’t know…” the phone from inside rings and you jump slightly, startled.

“I’m going to take you up on the offer to come inside, it is too cold. I can barely feel my hands.” He says chuckling a bit. You frown and hold his hands to warm them up as you answer. “Hello? Oh Lana, hi…yes he’s here…what? Tell me wha- oh…you knew this whole time? Lana Winters I swear you will be the death of me…alright I’ll tell him…bye I love you too.” You hang up the phone and sigh, looking up at him. “Lana said to come back because it’s ready. She also said to bring me along…but I’m not ready at all.” You say, gently rubbing his cold hands to make them warm up faster. “Go get ready, I’ll wait.” He says, hesitating before kissing your forehead. Your face flushed a bright red before running off to get ready.

Groaning in frustration as you try to zip up your coat, you face him. “Can you..?” he just smiles and zips it up for you, leaning down to help you with your boots. “There, alright let’s go.” Kit opens the doors for you and you head out and into his car. “They made breakfast over there, I do know that.” He says as he drives. Kit moves his free hand to yours and caresses it, humming to the song playing. Comfortable silence fills the car and you start to feel light. Pulling up to Lana’s driveway, you two head inside. The kids barreled towards you both and hugs were squeezed in. “Did you tell her, Papa? Did you? Did you?!!” Julia asks. Kit shushes her quickly and leads her away, telling her a few things. “Tell me what..?” You say as you were taken to the living room by Lana. “You know what, love.” She says and smiles, holding your hands. “Are you hungry? The kids really wanted waffles again.” She says, you nodding in response.

You eat your food with Kit, him purposely knocking he knees with yours. You gently slap his thigh to tell him to stop, making him laugh a little. “You’re childish, Kit.” You say as you laugh too, finishing up. “Give it to me.” You say, reaching for his plate. Kit shakes his head, taking yours and washing it along with his. “No, go with Lana. They’re about to watch another movie.” He says with a smile, kissing your cheek gently. You nod and go over to them, Julia sitting in your lap to watch the movie. Lana comes back in with sweets and other things for snacks, Kit right behind her with popcorn. He sits right next to you and held your free hand, making you blush softly.

As the movie plays, Julia plays with your hair. “Miss Y/n? Do you know how to braid?” She whispers in your ear, watching you then nod. Her face brightens and she sits between your legs so you could braid her hair while watching the movie. Kit watches your hands meticulously but gently pull hair into certain places and part the hair as well. You had done small cornrows along the top of her head and stopped halfway to leave the rest of the hair out. Julia happily sat back when you finished to keep watch the movie, playing with your hair again. Kit’s hand comes up to your mouth to feed you popcorn, smiling softly as you chew. “Kettle corn.” He whispers to you, eating some himself. “I love this better than the butter popcorn.” You whisper back and steal some of his popcorn.

When the movie ended, you hear a yawn from Thomas. “Too long?” You ask him and smile softly when he nods tiredly. “It was two hours long.” Lana says, yawning a bit herself. Julia was already sleeping between you and Kit and Thomas’ head was dropping every so often. “I think they need a nap…put them in their room. The beds are already set up anyways.” Lana said. You realize that they stayed over often, seeing as the pictures on the walls were adorned with their smiling faces. You and Kit carry the kids to bed, tucking them in and shutting the door. Hearing Kit sigh, you turn to face him. “What? Why are you smiling like that?” You ask, feeling his arms wrap around you. “You’re just really good with kids.” He mumbles onto your shoulder. Pulling away slightly to hold his hand, you both walk back to Lana. “I do have a degree in teaching.” You say and you both notice that Lana was sleeping peacefully on the couch. “I guess we’re the only ones awake now.” He says and sits on the other couch after turning off the television. “I guess so…” your lips form a smile and you sit next to him. “Wanna go somewhere?” He asks, taking your hand in his. “Where? I don’t think we could go to the park.” You let out a giggle and look up at him. “Library? I haven’t been there and I heard it was nice…” he says shyly. Smiling you nod and get up quickly and quietly, leaving a note for Lana before heading out the door with him.

Holding the door for you, Kit smiles brightly, already smelling the pages a book coming from the inside. You smile back and look around at how big the place was. “Wow…where do we start?” You ask and Kit takes your hand, taking you to the fiction section. “Fantasy is my favorite.” He says, scanning the books with you. “Me too, I love the idea of there being a knight in shining armor falling in love with the cold queen.” You say and gasp quietly, taking a book out. “Little Women? I’ve wanted to read this for so long…” you say, thumbing through the pages. You hear Kit walk over to you, peering over your shoulder. “I heard its real good.” He says and takes a book out. “Dracula sounds fun. I think it’s in old english though.” He says and looks over at you, smiling softly. “Should we take these out or look for other books?” You ask him, looking over at the one in his hand. “Let’s look around more and then we can decide.” He said and looks over at the non-fiction. “Or we could stay here to look at more fun books. I don’t like science like that…” he says and you giggle quietly.

Your fingers gently graze through the pages of different books, still holding Little Women in your arms. Kit would go through many books and could’ve for the life of him pick which one he wanted. Frowning at how indecisive he was, he just picked up a random one from his small pile. “A Wizard of Earthsea…sounds good.” Kit says to himself and turns to you, letting out a small chuckle. “Just get the Little Women book. There is no use in you looking around for more.” You shyly nod and follow him around as he walked towards the librarian. Helping you both get a library card, they check the books out for you and hang them back, saying thank you for visiting. You and Kit nod and head over to the small coffee shop next door, excited about the books that were checked out.

Sitting down at one of the sofa chairs, you watch as Kit get’s coffee for himself and hot chocolate for you. You frown as to watch how flustered the woman at the counter was as he spoke. He was oblivious to how much an effect he had on people. To ignore the insecurities that started to pop up in your brain, you begin to read your book. Your mind starts to drift as you immerse yourself in the book, not noticing when Kit walks up with the drinks in his hands. “Here you go, darlin’.” He says and watches you slightly jump at his voice. “Oh, thank you.” You say, putting down your book and sipping the hot chocolate. “Sweetheart, are you okay?” He asks you, watch you frown a bit as you nod. “Yeah, why? Is it because I jumped a little? I was really into the book.” You say and watch him set down his cup, sitting next to you. “No, you just seem different. You look sad all of a sudden. I know it’s not because of the book.” He says and your eyes widen a bit.

I’m looking at you right now and I can’t even see a difference…astonishing.

Oh shut up for a second. I have to conceal this.

Conceal what? How you truly feel? Please Y/n, don’t be ridiculous. Just tell him.

No, I refuse to let this ruin me.

Y/n, you’re acting like a fool. Do as I tell you, he’s kind.

That’s the problem. He’s so kind that it attracts others much prettier than I am and you know it.

Don’t start with that.

You don’t start. We all know he’s-

“Y/n?” You blink and frown a bit. “Sorry, just a lot on my mind.” Kit shook his head and leans in a bit, cupping your cheek. “No, you went away for a second.” He says and watches you carefully.

What does he mean? I’m confused.

I don’t know…

“There! You just did it…where do you go in that pretty mind of yours?” You realize in that moment that he could see and feel you talk to someone in your mind. Shaking your head, you deny anything and just go back to reading, your palms sweating a little from nervousness. “Alright…I won’t pry.” He says and opens his own book, reading it quietly. The silence that engulfed you two was heavy and thick, you hated it.

Your mind couldn’t focus on the book anymore, making you close it and sigh softly. “Kit?” You say, looking at him. He looked frustrated as he read. “Hmm?” He hums and glanced up at you before going back to reading. “Is it good so far?” You ask, trying to ease the tension. “Yeah it’s good…I think Julia would like this when she gets older.” He says and flips the page. You nod and sip your drink, seeing a woman come up to you both. “Hello sorry to interrupt, that woman over there told me to give this to you sir.” She say and hands him a cinnamon roll. “Oh no thank you.” Kit says, flashing a smile. “I don’t eat sweets. Tell her thank you.” He says and goes back to reading as she walks away. You watched as both women speak become embarrassed, making you smirk just a little.

“Why did you lie?” You ask as you turn your attention back to Kit. “I didn’t. I don’t eat sweets…that are made from somewhere other than you.” He says and smiles again, reaching for your hand. You pull your hand away quickly and shake your head. “Don’t lie again.” You look down at your book again and try to distract yourself from Kit’s pained expression. “Are you embarrassed that I take a liking to you?” Kit watches as you shake your head. “I’m embarrassed but not because of you. I just don’t understand why a handsome young man such as yourself would want a woman who is older and less prettier than everyone else.” Turning the page, you sip the last bit of the hot chocolate. “A woman who’s…never even been kissed. Aren’t you ashamed to even be associated with someone like me? A flawed and unwanted individual.” You say, finally looking at him. His demeanor completely changed, he looked angry. “Never mind, let’s just go. I’m tired.” You say and head out the cafe door, shivering as you walk back to his car.

Stupid…I’m so fucking stupid.

You are stupid for sabotaging yourself.

Why thank you for reminding me. How sweet of you.

Anytime…Y/n just relax. You’re going to slip and fall if you keep walking this fast.

Who cares? Maybe I’ll die and not make anyone’s life worse.

Don’t you dare. Just get in the car and wait for him.

Rolling your eyes, you get to the car and sit inside, shivering still. You see Kit not long after you had arrived. “Y/n what the hell were you thinking? It’s cold and you could’ve fell.” He says as he gets in, turning the car on to warm you both up. Kit still looked angry, making you look away and just answer with nods. “Y/n look at me.” He says after a minute of silence. You hesitate as you look at him again. “What? If you’re going to argue with me again over-“

Cupping your cheeks with his cold hands, he leans in and kisses you for just a moment. Your eyes widen as he pulls away, frowning still. “Now I’m for first kiss. I’m going to be your first date, first boyfriend, first everything. I’m also going to stay that way. There won’t be another.” Leaning in, you kiss him first this time. Although you were inexperienced, he let you take the lead. The kiss was soft and filled with longing. He could feel how much you wanted to be loved just by kissing you. Your icy cold hands cup his cheeks as you deepen the kiss, feeling how much he wanted you. Pulling away before anything escalated, Kit stares at you but with a smile. “For a first time kisser, you’re quiet talented. The best kiss I’ve ever had.” He says and you hide your face. “Whatever, just drive.” You say as he does as you tell him.

In the next coming weeks, you and Kit become absolutely inseparable. Kisses and lingering touches whenever you two could get the chance to do so. Everyone knew that you two were an item, to your surprise not many people criticized you for being with him. Sighing as you get home from a date, you slip off your shoes. You were already longing for him, missing the way he looked at you. Laying in your bed after changing and showering, your mind drifts. Just then the phone rings “It’s nine…who would be calling at nine?” You get up and pick up the phone. “Hey sweetheart, I’m sorry for callin’. You were going to sleep weren’t you?” You hear Kit’s voice say. Smiling to yourself you giggle a bit. “I was…why is there anything wrong?” You hear Kit clear his throat. “No I just missed you. I’m using a pay phone because I wanted to know if I could come over actually. I know we just saw each other but…I miss you.” You could hear him smiling over the phone. Julia and Thomas were with Lana this weekend so you say yes.

Not that long after, you hear a few knocks. “Hi baby.” He says when you open the door, hugging him close. “You’re cold.” You say as he peppers your face with kisses. “Maybe a little.” He says and closes the door, taking off his coat. “We haven’t done this in a minute. It’s like a sleepover for only us.” He says and smiles as you roll your eyes. Leading him to the couch, you both cuddle while watching the late night show that was always on. “You looked so pretty today…you look even better now.” He says and gently kisses your cheek. Your face flushed and you shake your head. “Stop it…”

Your face was now inches from his; tentatively he leans in and kisses you. This time it felt different. You both were hungry for each other and it was apparent to you in the kiss. Running your fingers through his hair, he slips his tongue in and groans softly. “You’re driving me crazy…” he mumbles into the kiss and smirks when you giggle a bit. His kisses moves down to your neck, licking and gently sucking to not make a mark. Your body felt like it was on fire each time he kisses you. “Kit wait-“ you say and you both look at each other. His pupils were blown out and filled with lust and love. As he stares at you more he realizes your dilemma. “We don’t have to, Y/n.” Kit’s hands gently caress your cheeks as you thought it over. “I want to but I don’t know anything…” all he does is smile and say, “no problem. It’s all about you anyways.”

Kit stands and gently takes your hand, kissing it before letting you lead him to your bedroom. You sigh in bliss as his hands graze your skin, taking off your night gown. Kit smiles and kisses you again, his fingers still grazing your back, making you shiver. As you two kiss and giggle in between each others lips, you pull off his shirt. His lips move once again to your neck as he unclips your bra, hearing your breath hitch. He feels your hands moving towards your chest to cover yourself, smiling softly still. “It’s only me, sweetheart.” He says and pulls off his pants. “I’ll take everything off first, would that make it better?” He asks. “A little…” you watch as he pulls off the final article of clothing off. Your cheeks flush pink and you uncover yourself, letting yourself be vulnerable. Kit looks at you for permission before leaning down and taking a nipple into his mouth, rolling his tongue over it while massaging the other breast. “You’re so beautiful…” he mumbles as your fingers run through his hair, letting out small whines of pleasure. Your body was on fire again and you let him pull off your panties, blushing more as you hear him groan at the sight of your wet folds.

“My perfect girl…” his words trailed off as he steps closer to you, holding you close as he kisses your pretty soft lips. He never got tired of kissing you, the way your fingers would tug at his hair made him drunk. Gently pushing you on the bed, he kisses your legs, trailing up to your inner thighs. “Kit…” you say shyly, wanting the bed to swallow you hole under his burning gaze. Kit looks up at you with a smile as he lays a kiss on your clit. “You’re so pretty…everything you have is pretty.” His breath on your pussy made you clench around nothing, making him chuckle. His tongue circles around your clit in slow movements, making you whine and arch your back. Beginning to lap at your folds and moan, his arms make your pretty, thick thighs rest on his shoulders. Your moans get higher in pitch and louder as you get more comfortable, getting closer by the minute. Suckling softly on your clit, you feel his index finger circle around your tight hole. Looking up at you for your permission, he sinks his finger in. Pumping his finger slowly as he laps at your clit makes your legs shake with pleasure. Pushing another digit in, he curls his fingers and watches as you get closer to being undone. “One more baby, wait until I have one more in okay?” He says encouragingly as he stretched you out with his fingers. “Good girl.” Kit mumbles onto your pussy, growing more hungry for your taste. When he feels you’re ready, he slips in one more and pumps them in at a faster pace, coming up from between your thighs to kiss your breasts. Your moans grow louder, holding onto his free arm as your get close. “Are you gonna cum for me sweetheart?” His pace going faster as he feels you tighten around his fingers. “Yes! Yes please, Kit…don’t stop please!” You moan out. Your legs start shaking more as your orgasm comes full force, moaning loudly as you do. Kit groans as he rides out your high, pulling out his fingers. “Look at the mess you made, darlin’.” He says and kisses your lips. “Did so good for me, think you can handle more?” He asks and watches as you nod eagerly.

Moving himself in between your legs, he sucks on his fingers. “You taste so good, baby.” He whispers in your ear, making you hide your face in his neck and shake your head. “Shut up…” you mumble and feel him move to see you. “Are you ready baby?” He asks, gently caressing your cheek. You nod and watch as he spits on his free hand, stroking himself slowly. You hear him groan softly as he teases himself on your pussy. “Kit…cmon.” You whine and make him chuckle, sinking in his tip. Kit feels you tense as you wrap your arms around him. “You alright?” He asks, gently caressing your body as he keeps going. You nod but stay silent, making him cup your cheeks and kiss you, trying to aid the slight pinch your feeling. After a minute he feels you roll your hips, making you both moan. “That’s my girl.” He says and slowly rolls his hips with you, feeling your pussy clench around him in pleasure. Your moans make him dizzy, the feeling of your nails grazing his back make him want to go faster. When you start begging him to go faster, he barely holds back. His thrusts make you feel euphoric as you arch your back, him taking a nipple into his mouth again. “Kit please don’t stop!” You say as he goes harder. His groans slowly fill the room along with yours, his arms holding you close as he fucks you. “Kit I’m close-“ you moan out when he pounds into your pussy a bit harder, making your toes curl. “Cum for me baby, do it please…fuck!”

Kit’s moans get louder with your own as you both reach that sweet bliss. Cumming around his cock, you whine as you feel him cum inside you. You both still as you both start come down from your highs once again. Your mind was foggy but you could hear him praising you and could feel him kiss your neck softly. “You did so good for me, baby. I love you so much…” he mumbles and holds you impossibly closer. You whine as he pulls out, shushing you with a kiss. “Hold on pretty, let me get us cleaned up okay?” He gets up and quickly goes to your bathroom, getting a warm wet cloth. As he gets that, you think to yourself. There was no way you just did that. Is this what people meant when they said that sex was great? Either way, you were glad it was with Kit. Coming back into the room, he cleans you up and kisses you everywhere. You reach for him and he obliged, pulling you close to him. “Kit…that was..well-“ you cut yourself off with a giggle. “I love you…” you say to him, laying your head on his chest. “I love you way more baby. I’m never letting you go.” He said.

And he meant every word he said.

Authors Note: im sorry that this isn’t proofread, i literally had no time to do so 💔💔 i hope you guys enjoyed the absolutely horrendous smut at the end but like i tried okay? i’ll get better i suppose 😰

Taglist: @yes-divine-ruler @preselelle @evanpetersfav @quicksilversg1rl @kaylaperiodqueenslay @theyluvvkoi @bldmoth @nvtallowed

[lemonlyman-dotcom]

I posted this in response to this ask, but I think it’s gotten hidden in “read more” and just looks like a reblog. I wanted to post this separately because I know I’m not the only person who feels this way.

I hope you don’t mind me responding here, but as a newer/less popular writer who was not included in the original list I think I’m in a position to offer some perspective. I can see both sides here.

I feel you, anon, I promise you I do. I 100% agree on the point of feeling like an outsider looking in. I have never been on a rec list (I think one of my fics was included in Fic Rec Friday once), I am not proud to say I’ve sat here and cried a little when a fic I posted went unnoticed while some of my mutuals reblogged other (more popular writers) fics and I wondered what was wrong with mine, I’ve had conversations with some trusted friends on here asking what I’m doing wrong and how do I get my stuff read, their answers ranged from “🤷” to “hope that a popular blog notices you and reblogs.” It absolutely feels like a popularity contest in this fandom sometimes, and it hurts to be shut out. I know.

But, that is not any one person’s fault. I have felt hurt and left out at times too, but I think we need to give —— some grace here. She cannot read every single fic in this fandom, it’s not possible. She was asked a question and she answered, and she ended the post with an open call for people to add more recommendations. I don’t know what else we should have expected her to do.

I think the fandom as a whole needs to be more aware of how we set up certain people/blogs as popular or the voice of the fandom. We all can be better about hyping each other up and rec’ing each other’s work.

I was feeling pretty down after one of my fics “flopped,” I was feeling like a shit writer and a fandom outsider. But then I reminded myself of why I joined tumblr in the first place. Because I’d been reading all these amazing fics for the last year or so, and I wanted a platform to scream about how much I loved them, and to tell other people to go read them and shower the writers with the love they deserve. So I’ve started being more intentional in a) my ao3 commenting b) reblogging fics I love after I read them, even if it’s an older one and c) sending dms to authors I love making sure they know how much I loved their story and d) trying to rec smaller/newer/less popular writers. I do a monthly fic rec post where I specifically aim to center less-popular writers. Again, I can’t read everything and there are some topics I avoid (parental death/grief is hard for me, I’m not huge on smut/kink…), but I try so damn hard to be inclusive.

And you know what? My fandom experience has been so much more fun recently! So, if there’s a fic you wanna see reblogged or an author you want to get more recognition go scream from the rooftops. Send me a DM I love to rec writers and fics. Let’s all make a more conscious effort to make this fandom more inclusive and a more encouraging place to be.

[autismguy55]

hello! i was wondering if you have any headcanons about the lotf boys before they crashed on the island? like their home life and other stuff.

i hope this question doesn't bother you! your art is amazing btw :)

it doesn’t bother me at all!!! i love talking about this book! :) my thoughts aren’t all together on it so this may be a little jumbled up but. yea :) gonna put this under the cut bc it’ll get long. also this is all just headcanon!

ralph - his mom died when he was young and his dad was in the navy, so he was in the custody of nannies and babysitters most of the time. legally, his guardian is his older brother (~10 years older) but his brother works a lot and generally does his own thing so ralph doesn’t see him often. ralph spent most of his time bored inside and is very well-read because of this, though he isn’t very good at wording his thoughts. his favorite book is the coral island (in the original manuscript he talked about it constantly - lol). we know he had ponies because of some flashbacks in the book, so he’s pretty good at horseback riding and generally enjoys the company of animals.

jack - catholicsaywhat? extremely religious. he could recite the bible backwards in his sleep. he prays his rosary until it leaves indents in his hands. he had a similar childhood to ralph with absent parents but it turned him into a bitter, bitter little thing. let’s face it he’s a teacher’s pet who bullies everyone when the teacher’s back is turned. i think he spent his formative years in dusty old libraries and sitting to get his portrait painted. he has a lot of pent up rage and violence in his heart. ummm… he’s a countertenor and actually a pretty good singer for his age. he likes to hit whistle notes and piss everyone off. i think he’s less one of those bullies who beats people up and more one of those kids who just makes you feel like shit thru words. also i think he’s tall as fuck lol giraffe headass

piggy - we know he’s an orphan and his aunt took care of him - i think we know the most about piggy’s backstory than any other boy in the book. he probably has a lot of cousins (his aunt’s kids) and has to share most of his stuff. he’s very smart, obviously, but he’s poor so he doesn’t go to a good school and relies a lot on the public library. i think he’d have pets. he seems like the kind of guy to have like, a hermit crab or a lizard or fish or something. he’s generally nice to people. definitely an atheist but his aunt makes him come to church every sunday. he has one teacher who he loves and looks forward to that class every single day. pretty cool guy i don’t have anything against him.

simon - coal mines for you gayboy. jokes aside he has a lot of younger siblings and doesn’t mind taking care of little kids. definitely into photography and painting! he often goes on “wanders” and doesn’t come back until it’s 10pm and he’s covered in sticks and leaves and carrying some random woodland creature (“i made a friend!”). he’s epileptic and undiagnosed because it’s the 50s. got sick a lot when he was younger because he spent so much time outside, but his immune system has hardened up since then. he likes to read books but only so he can do character analysis. would also probably write. doesn’t have a lot of friends but he’s generally well liked at school and adults in town love him because he’s so polite. yeha.

that’s about it off the top of my head but yeaa… if u want to know more for a specific character lmk

[seeingteacupsindragons]

This is the request anon. It's a bit difficult for me to be specific, because to be honest I don't really have a genre preference. I'm the type that will pick up anything that's good and/or fun. I guess I'm looking for books that don't get discussed often? Hidden gems, if your will. Not sure if this helps.

So a lot of these are going to be older, just because I can only read so much, and I don’t know that I’d call them all 5-star reads, but I liked them all at least a little enough to have fun with.

10 Things to Do Before I Die: A YA novel about a neurodivergent teenage music geek dealing with an anxiety disorder, neglectful parents, and some kind of nervous breakdown in dramatic fashion all over NYC.

Bitterwood: The first installment of a series of sci-fi novels masquerading as fantasy. It takes place in a world where dragons rule over humans and humans’ fight to take back some kind of freedom...as well as the various machinations of dragonkinds.

The Fire’s Stone: A standalone novel by queer author Tanya Huff following a traumatized bi man dealing with seriously internalized self-loathing, a bisexual playboy, drunkard prince trying to prove some value to his family, and a aro ace wizard who wants to save herself from an arranged marriage to the prince and learn all she can about magic before taking care of her country.

Mélusine: Is this one obscure? It won a Lambda award, but I also know the series sold so poorly the author rebooted under a different pen name. This is the first of the series The Doctrine of Labyrinths, a very heavy, dense, dark fantasy series with the gorgeous prose about trauma, abuse, mental illness, recovery, and how much damage those things can do to a person and how much damage those people can cause. It follows a wizard trying desperately to repair something he’s being blamed for and yet isn’t precisely responsible for and the brother who’s trying to keep him together and keep himself together. So many trigger warnings apply here. So many. Please look them up before reading this one.

Shatter the Sky: The first installment of a duology, this follows a girl from a colonized homeland trying to rescue the dragons of her heritage and save her kidnapped girlfriend. It’s not a five-star read imo, but it’s a strong debut novel, I think.

Spinning Starlight: A YA sci-fi novel retelling of the fairy tale “The Wild Swans.” I especially like that the love interest doesn’t show up for like the entire first third of the book because our protagonist has Things To Do!!! And he’s honestly a sweetheart.

The Holver Alley Crew: This one is technically part of a series and that series is part of a whole entangled Verse by the author, but you don’t actually have to read any of the rest of them. It’s a fantasy heist novel with very Ocean’s Eleven Vibes and traumatized brothers just trying to do their best to love and support each other. The author says the protagonist is not aro ace and just traumatized, but he kinda reads that way anyway, and there are other aro/ace and queer characters in the world, so that’s kinda nice.

I hope this list hit on something that sounds interesting and you hadn’t heard of. This is just the first stuff that comes to mind. As ever, you can find me on StoryGraph or Goodreads (which is a little outdated now since I switched over) to see what kinds of things I read to mine for recs.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2014 Yesterday we had the time of our lives, even if today we’re paying for it with the sunburn from hell. Despite using waterproof sunscreen, neither of us can worry about a lack of vitamin D, that’s for sure!

I’m having so much fun and loving this climate so much that I don’t want to go home. I miss my bed, my rats and my stuff, but I don’t want to go home to have to go back to work, clean the house, and deal with a million doctor appointments.

I love that there are hardly any blacks here. I don’t think I’ve even heard anyone speaking Spanish. Crime is barely existent here without these degenerate scumbags everyone seems to worship, especially in the West and the Southeast.

We drove to a parking lot for Trilogy catamaran sailing tours, which normally cost $200 per person, and then walked a few blocks to the harbor where tons of boats for different companies were docked. There were tons of touristy shops along the way and an area with trees where I never heard so many birds at once. There had to be hundreds of them! They were in a huge tree given to Lahaina as a gift from Japan.

There were two catamarans, each able to hold 55 people, and each shorter than our house. Captain Jill, a deeply tanned blond, navigated the boat across to another island whose name I already forgot (Oahu?). There were 3 other crew members, two women, also blond and tanned, and a guy.

I thought it ridiculous that one of the passengers brought an infant onboard of all things. Wouldn’t it have been terrified? Well, if it was wailing its ass off I wouldn’t know it over the boat’s engine, the wind, and the fact that I wasn’t sitting near it. Overall there doesn’t seem to be many kids here. A reflection of the falling birthrate? Or maybe it’s cuz people without kids can barely afford such an expensive place let alone with them.

Anyway, it was a little warm in the direct sunlight, but once we got sailing full speed, the breeze was wonderful. They would stop every time someone would spot a whale and people would take pics like crazy. I hated it when people would get in the way and there was this one guy I practically wanted to pitch overboard, but hopefully when I check out the pics when we get home I will find I got some decent whale shots. It was hard to see what I was shooting at, so I would just point and shoot like crazy and hope for the best.

There was this area in front where you could sit on these thick nets and see straight down to the water, but we were content to just sit on the bench and stand at the rails.

The first thing we were served was cinnamon rolls, then assorted fruits like watermelon, honeydew melon and pineapple. The last thing we were served was wraps. There was tuna, chicken and turkey. Naturally, Tom hated everything but the cinnamon roll.

The people were young and old but mostly older folks. Some were thin and hot, others fat frumps like me. Gotta hand it to those with bellies bulging worse than mine who had the guts to wear bikinis. Some were as pale as I am, but most were tanned. Well, I’m a mix of white and lobster red right now, LOL.

We’ve had sunny weather most of the time, but they’re predicting rain for the weekend. That’s okay, we’ve had our share of sunshine, and submarines go underwater anyway.

According to the boat crew, the deepest waters we sailed over were 350 feet deep, and whales can go as shallow as 60 feet or less. Once the catamaran docked at the island, we were greeted with a shell necklace similar to the ones the hotel gave us, and then we took a long hot walk down to the beach. Diving into that ocean felt so damn good as hot as I was once they finally finished their safety speech and all that stuff.

Then came the best part of the trip – snorkeling! You know how I said this resort and the area is just like I’ve seen in pictures? Well, so was what I saw underwater! Now it’s the same people overseeing all the activities, mind you. The catamaran crew also takes you snorkeling or on a tour of the city, if that’s what you prefer instead, and they also cook your dinner. What a job, huh? Sailing, sunning, snorkeling and cooking all day long.

So one of the girls got me fitted in a thing you wrap around your waist that keeps you afloat, and my goggles, after she sprayed something in them to keep them from fogging up. They had prescription goggles, but since I’m still farsighted enough, I was okay with regular ones. She walked me out past the breakers (as I’ve learned, you can’t just walk into the ocean here anytime you want if you don’t want to get knocked down, and must go between swells) and once I was up to my chest in the water I put my flippers on.

Tom’s camera can go underwater, and he shot some pics and videos. He wishes he got the nicer camera for $200. We just didn’t think we’d use it enough.

So off I went and at first I was like, why is this so impressive to most people? There’s nothing to see but sand… then there they were! Clumps of coral and the most beautiful tropical fish of all kinds and colors! It was almost like swimming through a giant aquarium! I couldn’t help but think, from poverty to this?!?! Wow! We went out to where we were in 20-30 feet of water and words can’t describe just how spectacular it was!

After that and some regular swimming, we passed up the walk to the tide pool and just hung out till it was time for the barbecue. I was so pissed that I didn’t bring my other sandals since my new ones caused my feet to blister a bit, and putting on socks and sneakers is a bitch even after you’ve used the freshwater shower to get the sand off of you. Being humungous didn’t help either. I am utterly appalled and disgusted by how big I’ve gotten and how it’s hindering my mobility. I’m sick of it. I vowed to myself that if I can’t get the fucking weight off the healthy way once they’ve tweaked my new medication, then the unhealthy way it is! Gotta wonder, though, would I have gotten this fat if my thyroid hadn’t crapped out on me?

At one point I was about 6” too close to the shore when a wave had just begun to curl and smacked me real hard in the chest. That’s what I get for not paying attention.

The only annoyances at the beach were the same landscapers I have to deal with nearly every day at home blowing the grassy areas and walkways, and someone jackhammering in one of the buildings up at the summit of one of the hillsides surrounding the bay.

After a few hours of beach time, we walked back down the road to the pavilion where our boat was docked and gathered at picnic tables. A blond version of Marsha Gay Harding sat across from us as we were served a meal I wasn’t very impressed with at all. First up was a roll and salad. I didn’t eat all the salad, wanting to save room for dinner, but had I known it would be these boring noodles and veggies with peas, plus chicken marinated in something really weird tasting, I would’ve finished the damn salad like Marsha was smart enough to do. I was surprised Tom ate some of the chicken, but at that point, he was too hungry to care. So I drank down my grapefruit juice and then we waited on the grassy cliff while the crew bussed the tables.

Over the time we sailed back, I had pineapple juice, ice cream, and a white wine that tasted more like beer. Of course Tom laughed at that one and said I was crazy.

The wind tossed my pink sequined hat off onto the deck toward the end of the trip, but fortunately, I caught it before it could join the whales.

They unfurled the sails on the way back, but not for long since there wasn’t much wind. What wind there was felt so good, though coming back was a little chillier as the sun began to set. By the time we pulled into the harbor and Captain Jill docked our boat, the sun had just dipped below the island.

Later…

Was out on the patio whale watching earlier. The island may have many birds, but it sure doesn’t have as many bugs as you’d think it would have.

Also, I’m amazed at just how often people seem to be in their rooms here. Yes, they’re expensive but don’t they too, want to be off doing things? Every time we’re in our room, so are they. Or so it seems.

We were out all day yesterday and most of today. Sleeping hasn’t been too difficult, but I’m so drained from the sun and all the activity that I need to sleep forever. Plus I wake up a lot along the way, so I’m in bed a total of 10 hours some days. I’ll probably sleep for 12 once we get home. My schedule’s been okay so far, but the next few days will get harder. Monday actually may be hell on me, but we leave that day so being shorted one day won’t kill me. I always wished I were one of those who only needed 6 or 7 hours of sleep or less, but (shrugs) I am how I am, sleep-needy and all. Meanwhile, it’s early evening now and I really hope they stop banging by the time I’m ready to crash in an hour or two.

Until I do crash, let me cover today’s fun so I don’t get behind. We went to Lulu’s again and I got the steak, eggs and hash browns I liked a lot the last time and Tom got a ham and cheese omelet.

After breakfast, I bought stamps and mailed my postcards to Tammy, Andy, Paula, Eileen and my Italian Dad, and then we went to a mall with a dozen or so fun shops. Pricy, but nice. The boutiques had the things Hawaii’s famous for on their clothes, magnets and other things – plumeria and hibiscus flowers, as well as palm trees and pineapples. We also went to a strip of stores down by the harbor.

He grabbed a blizzard and me a soda at Dairy Queen, then later on we returned to the mall where I got a heaping container of pork fried rice at a Chinese place that is actually quite good. I just wish the container wasn’t so flimsy. I have the leftovers in the fridge for later.

From all the stores we went to we gathered 3 shirts for him, a black tank for me with “Maui, Hawaii” written in bright rainbow colors, a hot pink tank with “Maui” in silvery glitter, a black tee with colorful metallic studs, a black sleeveless dress with large pink hibiscus flowers on it, a colorful cover-up, a pink skirt with colored flowers along its hem, 4 pairs of panties in pink, purple and blue, a necklace with a pink-gemmed flip-flop, a pair of floral flip-flops that are more comfortable than the other ones, a pineapple sun catcher with crystals, and 4 magnets. The magnets consist of a sunset and palms, a hula dancer, a blue-gemmed dolphin, and a female figure’s upper body in a pink bikini top. That one has a bottle opener on it. I also got a 3D bookmark of a tropical scene cuz it was just so cool looking even though I don’t read regular books anymore.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2014 Slept both well and shitty. Woke up several times, had that lower back pain I sometimes wake up with at home, and of course Tom snores like hell. It doesn’t wake me up once I’ve fallen asleep, but trying to sleep to it isn’t easy.

The muscles in my calves are sore from climbing the sandy hills to get to the beach yesterday, but I will get to that later. I want to backtrack in order.

The rain was nice at first, especially since I live in such a deserty climate that rarely sees rain. But by the second day, I was ready for it to stop. It finally did just that in the afternoon so we could enjoy the beach and pool.

The weather, pool, beaches and the resort as a whole are absolutely gorgeous! Just like I’d see in pictures. I miss my bed and my rats, but a part of me never wants to return home either. If it weren’t so damn expensive I’d be mighty tempted to retire here someday. We decided we would definitely be back at least to visit and that we could do a comfortable trip with under 5K. Definitely want to live in Florida or some tropical climate if not Hawaii. I’m sick of cold places, dry places, and shit like that. My skin and ear love this climate. My bad ear hasn’t ached at all except for when we first arrived. That was probably due to the pressure on the plane.

They apparently searched our luggage at the airport because when we opened it there was a card saying so. Doesn’t look like they stole anything, but as Tom said, if they were going to take anything, why leave us a note?

The Wi-Fi is out now and the connection is slower than hell. That’s partly because we don’t want to pay the $17 a day they want to give us a faster connection and partly because this laptop is ancient. We don’t use the net often enough to be worth paying for a faster connection nor do we want to. Vacations should be about having fun and not about doing what you usually do at home. The only thing I’m doing that I usually do is documenting this trip. Writing is my passion, vacation or not.

The room comes with a microwave, mini-refrigerator/freezer, coffeemaker, safe, big screen TV, iron, makeup mirror, hairdryer, mouthwash, shampoo, conditioner, soap, shower gel and other vanity items. We get robes and slippers too, but can only take the slippers home. I like them even though they’re not plush. Our housekeeper is a lady from the Philippines and she’s only in once a day instead of the annoying 2 or 3 times a day the guy tended to us on the ship.

Yesterday morning we went to a restaurant called Lulu’s for breakfast. Their prices were comparable to Denny’s. It was nice that Tom could get something he liked since he hated almost everything they served on the plane. I got steak and eggs with hash browns and it was damn good.

We have a private patio with a 10-foot stretch of grass beyond it with a rocky cliff that drops off and down to the ocean. The water’s about 10-15 feet below us. Wish the chain link fence with the flower hedges wasn’t obstructing some of the view, but overall it’s a damn good view. We’ve seen whales here and there, too. I didn’t know they came here. I thought they stuck to colder areas up north, but they come here to breed.

After Lulu’s, we picked up some snacks and TV dinners from Safeway to take back to the room. That way we don’t have to pay their outrageous room service fees. They want 11 bucks just for a lousy bowl of cereal.

The rest of the day was spent at our leisure. We walked around the resort taking pics and we swam in both the ocean and pool.

I can’t believe how warm the ocean is, though it wasn’t like bathwater. The waves and undertow are certainly much fiercer than I remember the beach in Connecticut to be. A 3-foot wave knocked Tom off his feet a couple of times. We were laughing so hard! Even a lady who sat on the beach watching us laughed, too. The fact that they could knock a 250-pound man off his feet oughta prove how forceful they are, and those waves are supposedly nothing for Hawaii.

Once you get about 20 feet from shore you’re not in danger of being knocked over. I wasn’t dumb enough to let myself be swept off my feet, though the undertow almost took me down a few times. Tom, on the other hand, dove right into a big wave. I thought he lost our underwater camera at first, but he had it secured around his wrist. I used to sometimes sit where the waves break in Connecticut, but here they would go crashing over my head and sweep me away. It didn’t smell as salty as Connecticut but it tasted it and stung my eyes a bit.

It’s amazing how loud the waves crash upon the shore, almost like a big bang of thunder. It’s weird how some of the shorelines have no beaches too, but just a rocky area instead. Some people were paddling while standing on surfboards and from a distance, it looked like people were sweeping the ocean.

After a taste of the Pacific Ocean (I wouldn’t dare go in the water in SoCal in the 90s in April cuz it was too cold), it was off to sample their gorgeous pool. It was sort of round and normal looking in some spots, but in other parts, there were narrow canals that went under bridges and was really cool. There were waterfalls and slides in some sections and the water looked so incredibly blue. That was because of the color the pool was painted, but it still looked way cool.

There’s also a pond with huge goldfish in it winding through the area.

Then we returned our pool/beach towels and went back to the room where we lazed around for the rest of the day. It sucks that my new sandals gave me blisters, but you can walk around here barefoot, even though the pool and beach area is a ways away. For most other things you want to wear some type of rubber-soled shoes. We checked the ‘What to Bring’ section of the catamaran tours website. It’s an all-day thing filled with fun, food and drink. It takes an hour and a half to sail each way. We’re leaving for that in a few minutes and won’t be back till around 6pm.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2014 We’re in the midst of day 2 of our trip. We’re both loving it despite the few glitches we’ve encountered. Let me pick up from where I left off.

Using tongs, the flight attendant passed out hot wet washcloths for us to wash up with in the end, and once our plane finally began to descend it was more than obvious. It was almost like freefalling through the air. My ear began popping like crazy again. And then there it was. Hawaii as green as Cali is brown! I was practically squealing with delight!

Next thing I know ribbons of water are flying across the window. When we landed I almost felt like I was going to get tossed out of my seat. Upon arrival, it was rainy and humid, but the humidity didn’t feel stifling or oppressive in any way. In fact, in just one day my skin is amazingly softer.

Two native Pacific islanders held cards with a few people’s last names on them, including ours. They greeted us with leis of beautiful purple orchids and if I didn’t know any better I would think the natives were Mexican or Indian, LOL. Not everyone living here is a native, though. Some look like they could be from just about anywhere.

Then we caught a shuttle to the Hertz rental car company and through the downpour, we were given a green Ford Escape for the week.

I’ve taken tons of pics along the way and will create albums on Facebook and Photobucket once we get home.

Haha, a couple of white doves with matching white toenails are begging for some of Tom’s chips as he sits munching on the patio. We’re on the ground floor and I think this may actually be one of the $800 rooms and not $400. The one we were supposed to get was actually $500 a night unless you book by the week. Then it’s $400.

Anyway, the number of birds and the abundance of colorful flowers and tropical trees are amazing. Tons of coconut palms and banana trees. I want to return to the comfort of home, but I also want to stay here forever. The rain here is a warm pleasant rain, unlike when it rains – or at least used to rain – in the winter in Cali. The grass is so lush and green it almost seems like carpet. I love how the temperature doesn’t change much between day and night. In the winter in Cali, it’s cold at night. In the summer in Cali, it’s hot in the daytime.

“I can’t believe we’re in Hawaii,” I said to Tom once we took off in the Escape.

“Yeah, but we’re lost in Hawaii,” he said.

LOL, that was true. We did get lost for a while. Passed by some breathtaking views, but some surprisingly dumpy houses and buildings for such a fancy, expensive place.

Nonetheless, we picked up a few things at Kmart. We couldn’t find the Walmart, so we went to Kmart. I had this delicious cheesy garlic bread and Tom had a hotdog.

We picked up a couple of pink towels, one darker than the other, that say “Maui” on them. We also grabbed some sunscreen you spray on and some tuberose perfume that smells of gardenias. For souvenirs, I got a pink flip-flop magnet with multicolored gems around it, plus I got about 5 postcards.

So we arrived at the hotel at 3pm, which was check-in time. The room is nicer in person than it appeared to be online, but for this price, you would think we wouldn’t have had to wait an hour to get our toilet plunged as we did. Not a thrilling experience, though there are public restrooms scattered throughout the resort.

I got up at 3am, about a half-hour before Tom did, and found the shower to have wimpy pressure and myself glad I didn’t have long hair. Long hair would be a bitch on this type of vacation. Then I thought the coffeemaker was broken, but I just hit the wrong button was all. Their coffee sucks so I got my own. They have these 1.5-liter bottles of water and like an idiot, I opened one and got us charged 5 bucks for it. I’d have had tap water if I knew they didn’t come free with the room like the coffee and the gross orange tea I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole.

Then we found that we were unable to Skype the rats. We tried calling in a few times, but all that setting up was for nothing, which kind of sucks. I miss my ratties.

The hotel is quiet overall, but in the early mornings and evenings, they love to slam doors and whatnot. I’m worried an elephant walker may’ve checked in above us, too. I heard half a dozen bangs during my 4am shower as it was, but the sound machine and earplug I brought helped me sleep through its bangy moments.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2014 Aloha! We are now on the plane as I write this in my paper journal! I’m guessing it’s about 8am now. The flight was on time and I will type up everything I write by hand later on. Might be a few days before I get to share it online, though.

Even though the sun is shining, we are flying over a sea of clouds, which is preventing any kind of interesting view.

Yesterday we got things ready for the trip and did a lot of waiting around at home. Tom was able to stop the mail online.

We went to KFC for lunch. The food was good but the service sucked. It was also just as cold in there as it was outside.

I crashed around 4pm. When I awoke at 10pm I was like, fuck! No! But I was eventually able to return to sleep till 1:30. So my schedule worked out perfectly. Not sure about my 10 million doctor appointments waiting for me when we return home, but I don’t have to worry about that till then.

Backed my doc files up on Amazon Cloud so I can access them from Maui. I also have them on the laptop, which is going with us after all.

We loaded the rats up with tons of food and water and set the webcam up, too. We also dropped the heat to 66 degrees and turned the water to the house off.

Once we had everything fully packed, we set out for the airport at 4:50. Parked the car in the economy lot (40G), and was able to catch the shuttle right away.

So we checked in, checked the luggage, went through security, then we were shuttled to Gate 9 where we waited for about an hour. The gate next to us was a flight to L.A. and next to that was one to Tacoma.

No screaming kids on this flight, as we were one of the first to board being first class. First they board handicapped people, then those with infants. The few kids that are flying with us aren’t that young and are way back in coach, of course.

Taking off was both exciting and emotional. As some of you know, we almost didn’t get to take this trip.

At first I was like, OMG! Look how brown everything is down below! At this time it’s still usually pretty green around here, but you can actually see the drought. Miles and miles of dead and barren farmlands with a few scattered houses mixed in.

In no time we flew over a bed of clouds and were only able to catch a quick glimpse of the Pacific. It looked like the water was dead still from up in the plane. No sign of movement at all.

We’re 4 seats away from the front of the plane. Most of the people flying first class seem to be older married couples. Tom thinks I’m the youngest one. Bet I’m the only one who won the trip, too!

Right away we were served drinks; water for both of us and coffee for me.

Then they gave us our toys. Dig-e-Players with music, games, movies, etc. Tom’s watching a movie and I’m playing mahjong when I’m not writing or doing word search puzzles.

Next we were served fruit and a Danish, most of which Tom hated. I ate his fruit, except for the orange, of course. The Danish had slivers of coconut in its center, so Tom only ate around the edges, LOL. I devoured that and the strawberries, grapes, honeydew melon and pineapple.

Lastly, we were served rice and pork stuffed omelets, and of course, Tom could only stand the egg. We both ate our sweet potatoes.

My hand is getting sore since I’m not used to writing by hand. Gotta go pee off my alcoholic drink anyway. Passion Guava, I think it’s called. It doesn’t seem to have much alcohol in it seeing that I don’t even have a buzz.

Later…

I guess it’s about 11:00 Cali time now. Couple more hours to go. My only complaint, besides the fact that my ass is getting sore, is that the seats are too high for my short legs. My toes reach the floor, but I can’t place the flat of my feet on the floor.

I also wish the table was a little closer to my body.

I see nothing but sky, clouds, and a little bit of sea right now.

I hope I can read my own handwriting when I go to digitize these words. When we hit turbulence it’s very hard to write legibly.

Our final alcoholic beverage will be served soon and that will be a Mai Tai. That’s a fruity drink mixed with rum.

Here we go! We’re dropping now so we must be getting closer! Oh, how my good ear pops up a storm.

Wish they had one of those flight navigators that shows the plane’s exact location, but to my surprise, they don’t.

I’m so, so glad, even though it would’ve been great meeting Nane, that we didn’t go to Italy after all. Sitting on a plane for 5 hours and 45 minutes is long enough! I won’t even get into how rough it would’ve been on my schedule. This way we get to fly straight through with no layovers.

Later…

Okay, just under 90 minutes to go now, so no, we probably aren’t dropping yet like I thought.

They served a snack of island trail mix with pineapple, macadamia nuts and honey-roasted sesame sticks.

Also, the second alcoholic drink I had definitely contained more alcohol, haha.

The plane seemed chilly when we first boarded it but now I’m a bit warm. The sun has been on my side all along. My cheeks feel flushed, but that’s probably more from my drink than the warmth.

There are 4 flight attendants; 2 women, 2 men. One of the guys stands at the head of our first-class section whenever the pilots get up to take a leak.

We had to fill out these forms, as mandated by the state of Hawaii, saying we’re not bringing any plants with us.

Later…

It’s now 10:20 local time and she says we’re going to begin our descent any minute now. Good. I’m getting tired of sitting on this plane as fun as it’s been so far. They really need to make planes for short people. I couldn’t even reach the fan overhead.

Again, I’m really glad we didn’t go to Italy as originally planned. I couldn’t even sleep on this thing if I wanted to. The wall of the plane is too far away to lean on and there’s nothing to lean against in the other direction either. The headrests bend inward at the sides to sort of cushion your neck, but when you’re this short it’s more like your cheeks.

Unless something exciting happens before we land, I guess this is it till we’re officially on Hawaiian soil!

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2014 We’re now about 25 hours from leaving the house and 27 from taking off! Since I’ll be sitting on a plane for over 5 hours, I want to wait and save most of my writing for then. I will have my rainbow journal with me.

I will say that my dear hubby surprised me with a nice new lightweight purple hairdryer, something I’ve been thinking of getting. I don’t blow dry my hair that often, but it will be nice having a modern dryer with special attachments for straightening, as opposed to his 50-year-old big clunky brown dryer.

Much of the day will be spent in preparation for the trip, though many things can’t be done till right before we go to leave the house. Things like dumping the trash, running a final load of dishes, stocking the rats up on food and water. They will have 3 water bottles and enough food to last them a month.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 2014 Just two more days to go and then I can enjoy what will hopefully be a fun, hassle-free, stress-free vacation without wondering when God’s gonna throw us to the wolves again and into poverty and even possible homelessness. Without wondering if I’m going to need surgery that could set us back a lot more than a bunch of pills could possibly set us back. Without trying to decide if I should make one more attempt to lose weight once my blood tests start coming back with positive results, or if I should just keep the 25 extra pounds. I still might not be able to lose it because I’m still older, after all. If I did, it would take a long time but one definitely has a better chance of getting results from diet and exercise when they’ve fixed thyroids that have completely crapped out on them.

Tom and I are both surprised. We figured it had to be somewhat off. That was obvious by how much I’d diet and exercise and how little weight I’d lose from it. But we didn’t think it’d be this bad. TSH 32.40 is pretty darn extreme.

Anyway, today I’ll do more “combing.” Going through every drawer and closet to make sure I don’t forget to take anything we need or may at least want to have on the trip. The laptop is undergoing serious surgery and will probably go with us after all, but not on the plane. Meaning, not with us in our seats. I’ll write in my paper journal along the way. The laptop will be cushioned between our clothes in the biggest suitcase we’re taking. We’re stripping the laptop and reloading my pics, audio, docs and a word processor. I have to be careful if I go online with it cuz it’s a Windows computer and so it’s more dangerous than a Mac. I know that’s hard for a lot of people to accept and believe. Hey, even I fought going Mac for a while till I got fed up with all the fucking viruses, and even I miss Windows at times. Once you get used to using a Mac you see it really isn’t that much different than Windows. Instead of an X at the right-hand corner of the screen, you close things by clicking a red dot to the left. It’s worth the safety.

So along with my dangerous Windows laptop, I’m combing through closets, drawers, bathroom cabinets, etc. For now, though, this brand-new pill junkie has to go eat now and take her slew of vitamins. Yeah, I hate not being able to have my coffee as soon as I get up. Gotta wait a half hour.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 2014 We just went over our itinerary. We’ll be leaving the house at around 5am and will need to catch a shuttle from the parking lot to the terminal. I thought you just parked and walked inside, but the parking area isn’t near the airport. Not near enough to walk, anyway. At least that won’t cost us anything extra. We checked online to see if we pick out what we want to eat on the plane or if they serve you whatever they feel like serving you, and I guess they’re going to serve a Hawaiian-style breakfast, plus snacks along the 5½–hour flight.

Also, it looks like where we’re going is 2 hours earlier and not 3. We don’t have plans for every single minute of every single day cuz part of the idea is to just have fun at our leisure with no plans or schedules. We won’t be able to check in as soon as we arrive, and it will probably take us an hour to drive through roads that wind through the mountains, so we’ll probably go straight to Walmart where we’ll pick up a couple of beach towels, sunscreen and other odds and ends like that.

Wednesday we probably won’t do anything major other than hanging out at the beach and the pool.

Thursday is when we’ll be sailing on the catamaran and they’ll have all kinds of food, drink and fun stuff to keep us occupied that day. We’ll be on the island we sail to for most of the day.

Friday we’ll probably head inland and check out one of the botanical gardens.

Saturday is the luau that’ll be held in the evening. That’s a traditional Hawaiian feast where they have cultural dances and they roast a pig. I guess wild pigs are all over Hawaii.

Sunday we just relax and Monday we leave.

Sure enough, we’re on for a 40% chance of rain here on the 31st, though we should definitely get to enjoy some rain in Hawaii. Some people Tom works with that have been to Hawaii and say it pretty much rains every day there at this time of year.

No adverse reactions to the meds, but I didn’t expect any. She said the cholesterol pills could cause severe muscle soreness, but there’s only a 1% chance for that. The thyroid pills can make your heart race, and it did race a little, but nothing serious.

I just hope all these appointments don’t really start adding up. It’s a $25 copay every time we see the doctor, and this plan of ours has a high deductible of $1500 per year.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 2014 It really pisses me off when people equate abortion to murder. You can’t “murder” something with zero consciousness. If you can, then mowing the lawn is murder, too. It also pisses me off when people speak of how they’re “working” to take women’s rights to choose away. So the solution is to make all these women have kids they don’t want so they can maybe end up in foster care just like I eventually did just to be abused by others who also don’t want them? Brilliant. Real fucking brilliant.

Just a quick entry 4 hours before my appointment. I just hope to hell she doesn’t spring any nasty surprises on me! We’re going to Hawaii and I want to enjoy our first vacation in 7 years.

Where I had burning and itching downstairs yesterday, today I don’t feel a thing, so I don’t know what to think as far as that goes.

Was surprised to learn Nane’s also taken medication for cholesterol and thyroid issues, but in her case, it’s for fatigue.

I was amazed at how many thyroid symptoms I found I have – dry skin, low sex drive, messed up schedule, etc. I wrote the dry skin and low drive off to age and climate, but again I wonder just how long my thyroid has been fucked up. It probably started going downhill when I was around 40, but since 2009 was the last time I could lose more than just a few pounds, that’s probably when it started really escalating.

Later…

Just to let people know, I plan to be busy these next few days prior to the trip, so if I don’t respond to anyone right away, I’m not ignoring you. Also, even though we’re due back on the 3rd, give me a few days to unwind. I don’t expect to jump back online the instant I return.

Not sure I’ll be online at all during the trip because we’re having issues with the laptop. We’ll have Tom’s phone, but I won’t be able to blog. I’ll be writing by hand and will type up my notes when I get back if we don’t take the thing. Some of my blogs don’t allow backdating so I’ll be sure to include the date in the entries of what happened when.

Yesterday’s appointment was a little scary cuz I didn’t know if she was going to spring any nasty surprises on me that could delay the trip, but nope. We’re still on for Tuesday’s takeoff. My BP was up a bit but that’s probably cuz I was nervous.

I’ve got mixed emotions about the situation. I’m glad to finally know for sure I was right to suspect I had a busted thyroid and that was what was keeping the weight on no matter how hard I worked out and watched what I ate. I’m thankful as hell to this woman for catching the problems I have and for helping me deal with them, even if I may end up having to have surgery. I hope not, but needing the thyroid removed altogether is a possibility. She felt it and said it was a bit enlarged, so I will be having an ultrasound done when we return from the trip. But while I’m glad to have discovered the problem, I hate that I’m back to taking pills every day. The last time, about 15 years ago, was for asthma. Now it’s thyroid, cholesterol, and vitamin D pills, but the last two I shouldn’t be on forever. Still, we even got me a cute little pink pillbox, LOL, so I can take everything I need to Hawaii with me.

Will I lose weight in the future? I don’t know, but those skinny dreams I had sure made me wonder if the “dream people” were trying to warn me of my metabolism. I had like 3 or 4 of them, and any dream psychic knows that reoccurring ones are more likely to mean something.

After the vacation, I will weigh the pros and cons of losing weight. On one hand, if I stay the same, well, this is what I’m used to. It also keeps the perverts away and of course my clothes are set to fit my current size. It would cost money to get a new wardrobe and eventually one of those ring adjusters so I don’t lose my wedding band. It’s this thing you stick inside it to make it tighter.

On the other hand, I become healthier and it becomes easier to get around and to do certain exercises if I’m carrying 25 fewer pounds. It’s still hard work, but losing weight and being fit was something I was actually good at once upon a time, just like I’m good at writing and languages. It can be fun depending on how you see it. The body becomes a work of art and you the sculptor.

Or maybe I’ll lose nothing at all no matter what I decide. I mean look around you. How many slim middle-agers do you see?

Got a message from Paula, who’s still as crazy as ever. Don’t mail her a postcard from Hawaii, she said. Make sure I send it from California cuz that way she’ll know she’ll get it. rolls eyes Oh, and happy birthday since she knows I turned 46 or 47 this month. rolls eyes again It’s nice to know the fucktard is alive and thinking of me, but why I can’t get her to discuss her own health is beyond me.

It figures that it’s going to be 77° here the day after we leave, but it will be even nicer there and hopefully it’ll rain a little too, while we’re there. Too much rain is depressing, especially in the colder months, but I miss rain in general. It’s become such a rarity here. A good 98% of the year here is nothing but dry sunshine.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2014 Posted a status about what’s going on with me, not just to vent, but more because I was curious as to who would care to respond. Sure enough, my nieces haven’t, though one “liked” that we had a week as of yesterday till our Hawaiian vacation.

Andy had a “shitty” experience. Yeah, it’s both fascinating and creepy. He had a dream that a man disguised as a dog flipped up in the air several times and each time it did it would release shit from its ass.

Then he approves a new member to the Facebook page or group or whatever it is he runs, and the guy asks him, “Can I watch you take a shit?”

Then I send him a funny pic of an animated avatar with human figures flipping over a toilet and dumping shit into it along the way.

Something sure as shit is trying to tell him something.

Got our vacation package and times have changed since 2007, all right. No more paper tickets. We received what looks like a credit card instead for our air, hotel and ground transportation expenses. Too bad it doesn’t cover food, taxes and souvenirs, but hey, 7K is a huge chunk of it paid! And not even the shitster in the sky is going to stop me from going, infected or not.

Tom doesn’t think I’m infected downstairs cuz my white blood cell count is only slightly elevated and I have no fever. Also, every blood test I’ve ever had shows a slightly high count. IDK, I’m really burning down there so we’ll see. I just worry more about all the time and money these problems may add up to, not that I’m going to die or anything like that.

As for the cholesterol – where am I eating all these fatty and saturated fatty foods, I asked him – but then he explained that this is a hereditary thing.

Heart disease, cholesterol problems, diabetes… I may not have diabetes after all and my blood sugar may’ve been good, but why did my parents have kids if they knew they were going to pass on all this shit? Tom said they weren’t aware of these issues back then. Thank goodness we never had kids!

As worthless as placing blame may be (aside from making me feel a little better), I’ve got a few people to blame for that one. The assholes responsible for collapsing the recession so I could go so long without being insured. Myself for knowing I probably wouldn’t have gone for regular checkups anyway. God for letting me not have the insurance that He would’ve let me be dumb enough not to take regular advantage of. Why not use God to vent upon and as a whipping boy? He used me as a whipping boy. Only He let my mother do His dirty work for Him.

I asked Tom what could happen if my non-functioning thyroid which I’ll probably have to take medication for life for went untreated, and from what he read, I could develop a goiter in the future. The goiter would then make swallowing hard as it pressed upon my throat. That tissue may’ve eventually become cancerous, too.

Miss Perfect (my SIL Mary) had it even worse and it was no big deal for her in the end, so I’ll be all right. Just hope it doesn’t cost us much money. And oh, the appointments! I still have to deal with the ear specialist AND the dentist AND the eye doctor… But Mary’s thyroid was so bad they removed it. She even had lesions on her organs. They thought her thyroid was cancerous but once they removed it, they found that it wasn’t. Anyway, you can live without a thyroid, but it is important. Mine’s still bad enough that I can’t believe I’m not still gaining weight, and much faster than I did before. But I at least managed to stop that. Lack of exercise and overeating are to blame for some of the last round of weight gain, but not all of it. I don’t stuff myself like crazy and I only eat when I’m hungry. If I’m not hungry, I don’t eat. Unless you surprise me with a lobster, that is. Most days it takes me two hours to feel hungry after waking up and I don’t eat till then. I just have my coffee.

Mary lost weight after she got her thyroid dealt with and Tom thinks I will be able to, too. Even a fellow writer said the cholesterol thing is probably hereditary and that a medication called Synthroid will probably help me lose weight. Well, it’d certainly be nice to have a choice! Right now it’s not my top priority, but what if I change my mind in a year or so from now? What if I decide I’m sick of looking like shit? Well, I’d like to have the same option that most others have. A schedule and many other things that most people don’t even think twice about haven’t been or are not currently an option for me, so the less control I have over my own life and body, the shittier a feeling it is. If I can and do lose weight, though it will be for ME. Not so people can have a prettier person to look at when I’m out and about.

It’s too soon to say for sure but it’s looking like sleeping with an earplug in my good ear when I’m on nights is helping me sleep. I wake up fewer times and it seems to back the “dream people” off, too.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2014 Although I won’t have more details until early Friday morning, it turns out I have a whole boatload of problems. They should be manageable and I shouldn’t be going belly-up anytime soon, but I do worry and wonder just how much time and money this shit’s going to take up. I thought I’d have just one problem. Not 4 or 5!

After fighting with the MagicJack, which has once again crapped out on me, and dealing with a semi-shitty connection on the cell, which loves to drop calls, I managed to get someone to help walk me through the steps of retrieving my test results online. Apparently, when Tom set up the account he typed in the wrong 4 SS# digits.

So finally I’m in and I’m looking at the results. I slowly scroll down the page and by the time I reach the end I’m damn near ready to scream. I don’t know that I’m officially diabetic, but let’s see… I have a high white blood cell count, a low level of vitamin D, high cholesterol, and a seriously messed up thyroid. Yeah, no fucking wonder Miss Flat Abs and Muscular Arms turned into such a fat frump, huh?

Anyway, I’m pretty sure the infection, which would raise the white blood cell count, is coming from between the legs. I just don’t know if it’s a gynecological issue or a UT thing. My guess is it’s a bacterial infection that women get all the time. Too much moisture (like from sweaty workouts) and just a little bacteria can infect us even if we keep clean and shower regularly. I will find out at 7am on Friday. Right now I feel like someone’s holding one of my incense sticks to that area. It burns and itches. Many of these problems have probably been festering for months, even years, unbeknownst to me. However, several months back, like before the move, I noticed what felt like “zits” down there and thought the itching kind of went a little beyond the normal feminine discomfort that we all get at times.

For the most part, I didn’t have to be intuitive or psychic in my case as it was mostly common sense based on what’s been going on with me lately. Miss Healthy and Damn Proud of It. I’ve been pretty healthy with a few minor problems along the way ever since I quit smoking 16 years ago. I guess my healthy days are over, though what they can’t cure should at least be manageable. Still, I wasn’t looking forward to having to return to the days of regular appointments and prescriptions even if it’s for other things instead of asthma, allergies, bronchitis and shit like that.

Anyway, I first thought the “itchy zits” were from shaving down there, so I stopped shaving. But on it went and eventually, I resorted to getting medicated wipes that are no longer of much help. Definitely need antibiotics for that. I just worry about the trip. What if we can’t go? I won the trip but that doesn’t mean we haven’t invested hundreds of dollars in taxes and extras. I don’t want to lose the money OR the vacation. Worse, what if he gets laid off?

I’m both surprised and not surprised to find the elevated white blood cell count. I’m surprised because I didn’t have a fever and I have no discharge or funny odor down there. But I’m not surprised. It would explain the negative dreams and dizzy spells and the way things have felt a little off down there.

The biggest surprise was the cholesterol. Okay, so many older people get it. But I eat healthy most days! What we eat isn’t all that influences it, though, from what we read. It’s connected to thyroid issues. It’s amazing how many things are connected to that actually. Andy’s had issues with cholesterol and a lack of vitamin D.

My own lack of D is probably due to a lack of sunlight. I only go out when running or doing errands. Otherwise, I have no reason to go out and have never been a very outdoorsy person to begin with. Let me guess… some of you are “sad” for me, huh? Well, I’m happier in a bug-free, climate-controlled place, so cry on if you must. I once heard a glass of milk a day can replace the sunlight, but dairy products play on my stomach.

The most serious issue, but the least surprising was that I was right; I do have thyroid issues. According to our research, the numbers are high and potentially fatal if left untreated for years. It can cause all kinds of other complications. I’m hoping mine’s in the early stages so that if I can never lose another pound again I can at least not gain any more.

I kept telling myself to quit being obsessed with my weight – I didn’t give a shit how I looked anyway – but it wasn’t that easy cuz I knew deep down that something wasn’t kosher. I also knew that if I got any bigger I’d struggle just to tie my shoes. How frustrating it has been to watch people jog or walk by the place, trim and thin, and know that I’m busting my ass just as hard as they are just to stay the same damn weight, give or take a few pounds. I just knew no one would run a couple of miles every other day, eat sensibly, and NOT lose weight. I tried to tell myself it was just age, bad genes, simply how I was, but I wasn’t kidding myself.

I’m too wound up to focus right now, but I’ll just say that while things could be worse – damn the fucking bastard above to hell and back if there is one. I KNEW something like this would happen once we got settled. I knew it. I also told others and mentioned in my journal that I was afraid something like this would happen. I am, however, very grateful to Tom, Tammy, Andy and Nane for being there for me.

I asked Alison if all’s been quiet in Trollsville and she said yes. Really? Doesn’t she know Molly tweeted to her as if all is just fine and they’re still good buddies? Wanted to know how her weather was or something like that. Maybe she just doesn’t want to acknowledge her in public. Our tweets aren’t protected now. So if she found her newest name there, she’s probably found mine, too. The types of tweets, pics and other account info would pretty much give me away to a stalker no matter what name I went under.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2014 Sometimes the apple falls far from the tree, other times it falls very close to it. In my nieces’ case, it seems to be rather close. I see Tammy’s vengefulness shining through her daughters. Sarah said just when she was thinking of ways to seek revenge on her noisy neighbors, they surprise her by doing something nice, thus making her feel obligated to be nice back.

I wonder, though… am I the only one who would prefer to ignore those I dislike (though I understand noisy neighbors don’t always let us ignore them), or is it totally “normal” to seek revenge, maybe even become obsessed with, those who get on our bad side or dump us? Is getting even, stalking, pestering and harassing those that piss us off just “the thing to do?”

Well, I can’t stand Arabs and I can’t stand blacks with the shit they pull day in and day out on so many people. But forgive me if I’m too “abnormal” to want to spend my time actively making their lives miserable instead of just ignoring them unless any of them try to harm me or my husband and I’m forced to react in any way.

Later…

These doctors are really starting to piss me off what with the way they’re already going a little quacko on me. Even Tom is frustrated. He gave them permission to leave us detailed info, but what do they do? They go and leave a message at 3:30 asking if I could call in. No, I can’t call in when I’m sleeping, you dipshits! I can only multitask when I’m awake!

As some people pointed out to me, while they have laws and policies about how they go about communicating with patients, it does seem rather asinine that they can’t provide more info in messages. One friend had to drive an hour in traffic just to be told her cultures were negative. Now why couldn’t a simple “You’re fine” have been delivered by phone?

Whether it’s diabetes, an infection, a wacky thyroid, they could at least give me some hint instead of leaving me wondering. I don’t know that I’ll be up late enough to call them, but as Tom agrees, they work for us. Not the other way around. So, since it’s not a dire emergency seeing that they waited till 3:30 to call, I’ll call them when I can. I just don’t know that I have the time to deal with whatever shit I may have to deal with till after the trip. Or want to. Not unless it was life-threatening and obviously it’s not.

Whatever it is it’s probably easy enough to manage, though I’ve already resigned myself, like I said before, to the fact that the weight is never coming off. That’s fine, though. As long as I feel good and can function in life, appearance isn’t important to me. If anything, looking like shit keeps the pervies away, even if I always look a little better in person than in pictures. I think most of us do.

As that friend suggested, I’m not going to let it ruin my vacation. Tom is going to love having 12 whole days off (and still weeks of additional vacation time if he needed or wanted it), and while I may like routine, change is also nice. As some people forget, I work too, so we’re BOTH looking forward to this break.

Really miss the days, though, when it was simple to call a doctor. You may have gotten the doctor’s secretary, but that secretary would always patch you right through to the doctor. Now, if you get a live human being, you’re sent through a network of incompetent idiots that don’t know shit. Wish we had Cigna. They were the best. Everything was in one spot and set up so much simpler. 3 things went to hell starting in the 90s. The world of doctors and trying to get through to them, blacks and children. Blacks have always been trouble, but in the ’90s was when we started letting them get away with it and showering them with extra rights and privileges. Kids have always been kids too, but the 90s was when most parents threw discipline, respect, consideration, and manners right out the window.

No upset belly yesterday to have to wait out since prayer is useless to me. I wonder if prayer is like languages – some people have a knack for them, some don’t.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2014 I’m on nights right now and as soon as I got up at 4:30, Tom was asking me about my dreams.

First, though, I would’ve fallen asleep earlier had I not gotten sick. I thought I was going to puke for a minute there. First my throat started burning, then I felt nauseous. Every now and then I like to reinforce my belief that yes, prayer is a joke if only for me, and no, it’s not my imagination - something up there really does NOT listen to Jodi S. And when it appears to listen to others it’s probably a coincidence seeing that none of us have it all, after all. Wishful thinking or not, I prayed anyway for it to stop so I could fall asleep.

Nothing.

I like to fall asleep on my stomach but that made me feel worse so I lay on my side. I even felt unusually cold, even under a heavy blanket and with a memory foam topper.

Anyway, as soon as I got up Tom was on me about my dreams. I actually slept better than usual and didn’t recall any dreams, though I wondered if the “dream people” puking on my feet the day before had to do with my feeling like I was going to puke.

“Nothing scary or anything like that?” he asks.

I shook my head and right away I knew something was up. The only thing they “told” me was that Nane’s pinky and ring fingernails grow faster than her index and middle fingers and she confirmed this to be in fact true, and that was the other day. Hey, they tell me everything from trivial things to life-threatening situations like what we were in a few years ago.

Next he tells me they found something bad with my blood tests. They wanted to see me today but Tom didn’t get the message till 4:30. They’re not allowed to get into it over the phone, so we don’t know what it could be about, but we have our theories. This is just what we fucking need now when we’re a week away from going to Hawaii! Again I wonder – and worry – just how much of these appointments could end up costing us a ton of time and money and maybe even delay the home improvements indefinitely.

Tom had a class the managers have at work. They called at 10:30, but he was too busy to pick up the message till later. He called them back, of course. The doctor is already aware of my sleep issues and all that, but since it was already so late in the day anyway, they said the next time they could see me was on the 3rd. But that’s the day we’re due back from Hawaii. Two more weeks won’t kill me and if it is what we think it is, I’ll just watch what I eat. Tom gave them permission to leave detailed messages, so hopefully they’ll give us a hint and either confirm or shoot down our suspicions. Still, it kind of has a way of taking the excitement out of finally being insured, you know?

We both agree it can’t be life-threatening or else they’d have been insisting I get into a specialist immediately. I also didn’t have any nightmares. Then again, and as I pointed out to Tom, neither did I before my Dad died. I was totally surprised and caught off guard, bad heart or not.

“That’s different,” he told me. “Anytime something bad has happened to us directly you’ve had nightmares.”

So since I haven’t gone falling from 20-foot shower stalls, been pitched overboard from speedboats, or caught on the top floor of a building where a riot has broken out, it should, at worst, be nothing more than a big old pain in the ass.

The first possibility we ruled out was hepatitis and AIDS. I don’t do drugs and I’ve never had sex with anyone other than Tom since we met. Unless we’ve reached a point where just looking at hotties and having crushes on them can cause these things (which would be Nane’s fault, LOL), this isn’t possible.

Wacky cholesterol seems unlike but a high white blood cell count could be in which case I may have a minor infection somewhere. But where? My teeth? Unlikely. I’m not in enough pain. Between the legs? Unlikely. I think that IF anything funny is going on down there it would most likely be warts caused by excessive moisture one can get from working out. I’ll find that out in April, but I think all will be fine down there.

So what is our guess? Diabetes. I have too many symptoms and it is hereditary, like it or not. I used to think only fat people got it, but you can actually be skinny and get it, too. Obese people, on the other hand, are more at risk of getting it. I’m fat but not obese. Not yet anyway. I read that type 1 can’t be prevented, but being active and at an ideal weight may prevent type 2. An active lifestyle is no problem, but an ideal weight is impossible. Another scarily familiar thing I read was “trouble seeing (especially at night), light sensitivity, blindness in the future.”

Wonder if the OH the eye doc caught last year is connected?

Of course the one symptom I don’t have is the best one, weight loss. I knew that PMS and pregnancy could cause hunger, but didn’t realize diabetes could, too. I knew of the other symptoms, though. Tired of worrying and obsessing over my weight I resigned myself to the fact that I would never lose weight since I can’t stand the hunger and fatigue that goes with dieting, and figured I’d always be at least 25 pounds overweight. I’m naturally hungry and with occasional bouts of fatigue, so that’s part of why I haven’t lost the weight. I don’t doubt that Nutrisystem works, but that’s only if you can actually STICK to it. I don’t see how I ever could, though, so I learned to look at the pros of being big and accepted that this would be how I would live the rest of my years.

Another thing I’ve experienced for a few years now is these mysterious head rushes. Sometimes I get them after eating sugar, other times they just seem to come on for no apparent reason, but feelings of lightheadedness would be consistent would diabetes. Also, Tom got a home testing kit for that and cholesterol and my sugar level numbers did once seem a bit high. But then we tested me again and I seemed fine.

Worst-case scenario I will have to watch what I eat. Most days I don’t have junk food, but sugar is found in more things than we realize. Even watermelon has tons of natural sugars in it. So a tweak of my menu is probably in order for me, but don’t ever expect me to get down to the 120s.

Later…

I realized that the symptoms of what we suspect may be diabetes, until I can get back to the doctor, have probably been festering for years. Like back when I was thin, though again, weight doesn’t seem to impact it so much as genes, unless you’re extremely heavy. Seems like it was 5 or more years ago when I noticed I seem to be thirsty a lot and a peeaholic. Then the dizzy spells started. I won’t even get into the hunger and how I have some days where nothing seems to fill me up, or when it does, it’s not for long and I end up having to stuff myself silly for half the day just to feel satiated for more than 5 minutes.

This is exactly what I feared would happen too; that God would “punish” me for finally getting what I wanted in life, a home of our own. I didn’t worry about it all the time on a conscious level, but it was a concern that was always at least in the back of my mind. While so many others can get something for nothing, I seem to have to pay dearly, even if it’s something I deserve. And hey, when He can’t beat us over the head with money, why not go after my health, right? I still don’t think it’ll amount to much more than a hassle and an inconvenience. Diabetes isn’t usually serious unless you’re dumb enough to scarf down tons of candy bars when you have type 2. Then you could be risking heart disease and strokes and shit like that.

I’m just trying not to think of the many, many appointments for various doctors that await me as I get caught up on things, or how the costs could really add up. Totally, totally something God would let happen, too.

Later…

I was thinking about how simple this trip should be compared to when I won the Caribbean cruise in 2007. Here we will just drive ourselves to the airport, hop on the plane in Sacramento, go straight through to our destination, then do the same coming home.

The cruise trip, though, was hectic as hell. We walked the 10-minute walk to the train station in Klamath Falls, OR, trained up to Portland, spent a night in a hotel, flew out of Portland the next day to the hub in Atlanta, Georgia, flew to Fort Lauderdale, FL, stayed overnight in a hotel, took a taxi the next day to the ship, then repeated the process coming home.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2014 “Why are you shoplifting now?” Tom asked me earlier. I looked at him with utter confusion. “Are you now sneaking things out of stores when we go shopping?” he asks.

Thinking he was saying that something somehow accidentally got added to our stuff or not rung up at Sam’s Club, he then holds up a pair of men’s dress pants still with its tags on.

I burst out laughing and said, “I remember when you went to Ross to get those.”

He was completely stumped as to how they appeared in his closet all of a sudden. Remember, his wife is the one who does the packing and unpacking whenever we move or travel. “You got those for job interviews when we first came to Cali,” I told him.

But back in those days, even an older white man could get a job in a couple of weeks tops and none of his interviews required anything that dressy. Especially with so many applications AND interviews being conducted online like what was starting to be a regular thing by then.

Still not sure if we’re going to go with flooring or carpeting or what but we’ll decide when we return from our vacation. We’re not interested in upping the value of the place, but the comfort of our home instead, and making it what we want it to be whether it ups the value or not. I’m leaning back towards carpet. It may be harder to clean, but it feels and looks nicer and the rats love it. It’s easier for them to grip their feet on it when running around.

The place I’d like to live our final few years in doesn’t exist and that would be at the top of a SOUNDPROOF highrise. That way I’d be away from the street/landscaping sounds and we would have no yard/property to maintain.

Little by little, we are making preparations for our trip and my schedule is now officially aimed for Hawaii. Luckily I haven’t had any nightmares, a bad thing for those of us whose bogeymen like to step out of our nightmares and into our reality, but oh my fucking goodness! The constant waking up with weird/negative dreams or just for the hell of it sure does get old! No wonder I’m so sleep-needy. Gotta sleep a little longer to make up for all that waking up. I must wake up 4-6 times during the night (or day). I usually go right back to sleep, but sleeping straight through is a long-ago memory for me at this point. Well, they don’t want to send me to a sleep clinic just for the fun of it, so we’ll see what they say, though I still can’t imagine learning anything new from them than what I’ve already been told.

I just hope to hell I get through the next 9 days without certain types of nightmares, which could only mean trouble ahead. Just like I knew the nightmare I had in Oregon before the cruise meant we were in for rough sailing, (pardon the pun). Plus we also got to return to frozen pipes. Fun. I don’t think anything will go seriously wrong, though, and if there are any serious annoyances at least it will be for a week and not for months or even years.

Tom trimmed some trees along the property line when they pulled in next door. Virginia said hi, but went straight into the house while Tom and Bob chatted a few minutes. Bob told him he could come down on their side to make trimming easier so he wouldn’t have to bend over since some of the leaves extended up and over to their side. That was nice of him and certainly made it easier since next door’s about 3’ lower than us. There’s a retaining wall dividing the properties.

The people here sure are much nicer and more considerate than any other place I’ve ever lived in, but hey, it’s a retirement community where people are older and they own their places. People help people here and no one disappears for a week without people getting concerned. That’s why we’ve let next door know and we’ll alert the office too, when we go to pay the rent, which will be a few days earlier than it’s due since we won’t be here on the first.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2014 10 more days till Hawaii! It’s so hard to believe, even though I’ve been all over the country and even to other countries.

We’re making all kinds of preparations. Setting up the cameras that are going to watch this house like a hawk right along with the park security. I didn’t realize this till today when I noticed this when we were returning from Sam’s Club, but the gated entrance videos its incoming traffic. Most of the parks definitely don’t have that added luxury, I’m sure.

I just can’t believe it, though! We didn’t think we’d live to escape that bummy old trailer much less to go sailing, swimming, shopping and sunning in Hawaii. With my shit luck, I’ll burn to a crisp, but that’s okay. Then my body can match my face for once, which is always red with what I think is rosacea.

This facts site I follow says the more intelligent you are, the more you dream. rolls eyes Gee, I must be a fucking genius then! The “dream people” weren’t very nice to me at all. I woke up a million times after they puked all over my shoes, blew me away in a severe storm, and then Nane spoke incorrect German to me when she took me to an outdoor restaurant in Germany. I’m sure she’ll love that one, too. We sat down to eat when I spaced out all of a sudden to gaze at all the sights and sounds around me. After a minute she told me to “Essen der Essen,” which should’ve been “Essen das Essen.”

At Sam’s, we got some groceries and I got the same light blue colored memory foam bath mat for the master bath that I’d gotten for the other bath. I wanted plum, but they were out, and I prefer light blue to apple, tan and ivory. The pink bath mats I had in there were fine, but the Robo vac can’t vacuum those as well as the memory foam one. The memory foam is stiffer so its corners don’t fold over when the Robo rolls onto it.

I moved one of the pink bath mats by the bed and the other will just be stored away for now. Then I gave Tom the large piece of tan carpet that was by the front door when we moved in for him to use in the workshop. I only got one memory foam mat for the bathroom figuring I could just drag it over when I use the tub, which isn’t very often. That reminds me, I should run water for a few seconds to keep the water in the trap from evaporating.

We’re considering doing what Andy did only in different rooms and only if it’s going to be significantly cheaper than carpet. The original plan was to carpet all the rooms except for the kitchen, baths and laundry room. Now, though, we’re thinking of flooring the bedrooms with a laminate like what Andy has that looks like hardwood floors. As Andy himself said, carpet is harder to clean than floors. My office chair sure would roll around easier and it would be easier to move furniture, too. I would, however, get a large area rug for the living room. I do still like to play on the floor with the rats, then there are my workouts, though I do have a mat for when I’m working my abs. It’s definitely something worth looking into. Carpet may feel nicer to walk on and flooring the place may seriously lower the value of our home, but carpet definitely isn’t necessary and it definitely is harder to clean. If it’s more than $500 cheaper than carpet, I’m interested.

My little office is set up in the corner of the living room and when I turn around and look at the living room and dining area and think that that was once all the space we had to live in for half a decade, I’m like, OMFG.

I also got a pack of 3 soft fuzzy socks. They almost keep my feet too warm, but I like them a lot.

Other than an occasional “like” on something I post, my nieces don’t seem eager to interact with me. I guess that may be a good thing, though, since they often seem to be in a bad mood. I see a lot of Tammy in them, unfortunately.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2014 Had a nice invigorating yet relaxing twilight run. That’s my true obsession (besides writing and languages). More so than what food I eat and what the numbers are on the scale. I can’t imagine not running at least every other day. I’m getting faster. What once took me 35 minutes now takes 25. Passed Hazel along the way, not surprisingly, sweeping away at nothing. Well, it looked like she may’ve had a little pile of dirt going. She was her usual friendly and chipper self, but not very talkative, so I didn’t push her. I hate to push people to chat cuz I hate it when they push me to chat when all I want to do is sit in silence, lost in my own thoughts or whatever it is I may be doing at the moment.

If most people believe something to be true, does that really make it true? Interesting question someone asked me. I suppose it could. But not necessarily. Most people believe gays are evil sinners, but does that make it true? I think sometimes we simply get brainwashed by society. Then again, just because most people may not believe in something doesn’t mean it’s not true either.

Seeing the majority of people believing in what I believe to be pure bullshit isn’t nearly as annoying as the dual standards society still holds for women and men. 50 years ago I would have been criticized for not having kids. Today I’m criticized for not having a job outside of the house. In 50 years it will be something else. But when is a MAN ever criticized for having kids and told, “You shouldn’t have done that. You should be focusing solely on your career.” Really, why can’t we laugh at a MAN who says he wants to marry and have a family and tell HIM he’s an old-fashioned prude? We criticize men for breaking the law and things like that but never for their lifestyle. Only women have a set of do’s and don’t’s hanging over their heads.

Later…

They recommend we get to the airport two hours before our flight is scheduled to take off, and I’m like, two hours?! Gee, why don’t we just go there now?

Tom read that some backaches aren’t due to something being wrong, but faulty signals instead. Something about the way the signal gets transferred to the brain or something like that. I still sometimes have lower back pain, but it’s been better lately.

I really feel for my nieces right now. They have 5 more months in the apartment they’re renting together and apparently the neighbors fight all night, the lazy landlord doesn’t fix shit, and like most places today what with all the cars people have, there aren’t enough parking spots and Sarah doesn’t always get one. So Becky’s way of preserving her one is to park on a line in the parking lot so she can get one that way, LOL.

Still, I really feel for them. I know how noisy apartments are and how much likely renters are to be rude and inconsiderate compared to owners. Maybe they can save to buy a house, though I don’t know if they could afford to or would even want to have to pay for anything that breaks.

It’s too bad everyone can’t live in a place like this (never thought I’d live to say that), but I realize that some people like the action of the mainstream and the city and that they want to hear their neighbors cuz then they can have fun eavesdropping and spying on them in a way that is socially acceptable.

Speaking of this place, I forgot to mention earlier that I saw a couple of fire trucks at someone’s house while out running. No smoke, pig cars or ambulances, though. Wonder if someone was having a heart attack. Or feeling like they were.

The turkeys held up traffic for a minute along the way, LOL. They seem to be getting to know me along with some of the people cuz they’re not as quick to hurry away. I can get within just a few feet of them and can hear their toenails tapping the road as they walk.

Been thinking of how Tammy and I talked about meeting up in Florida someday after Tom retires, but that’s still way too far into the future to know for sure. We may leave the country or we may just stay here. I doubt we’d live wherever they end up living if we did go because I don’t expect to ever have as much money as them. We’ll probably go for something like this place that is set up like co-op living where the cost of your actual place is lower but you pay a monthly fee for maintenance and amenities. Manufactured homes used to be cheaper than on-site houses, but once they started building them better and better and more like houses, they often cost about the same.

Had to switch to a different keyboard the other day as mine kept going out. I had to replug its cable every time I wanted to use it after not using it for a while. Then we downloaded a driver so this keyboard’s features can be used on a Mac. I like this keyboard better. It’s now been almost 6 years since I won us these Macs and we’ve never had a single virus yet.

My German hottie wished me a nice weekend. Aw, how sweet. :)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2014 Got up at 1:30. Been a little tired ever since, but not too bad. A half-hour later Tom got home from work, then about 15 minutes later we headed out for the lab. Turns out I only needed blood drawn. I didn’t need to pee in a cup. I slipped back into the 140s but that’s only cuz this test required 12 hours of fasting beforehand and I’d last eaten at around 2am.

I’m just worried that all these specialists and procedures not fully covered by our insurance are going to really add up and really delay the hell out of the home improvements.

My brother would’ve turned 60 yesterday if he hadn’t died in 2012 of liver cancer, and today’s the day my nephew died at age 16 in a trucking accident in 1997. First Sandy lost a child at 8 months pregnant, then her teenage son. God has been totally cruel and compassionless where her kids are concerned, but at least Jen seems to have made it through life unscathed so far.

After having 4 vials of blood drawn for the millions of tests they’re conducting, we went to Carl’s Jr. for a burger and fries. Then we browsed through another Goodwill store. I love checking them out every few weeks or so. You never know what awesome treasures you might find at awesome prices.

They had an awesome little black doll but with a hideously looking cartoonish face, so I didn’t get it. Another doll was just the opposite with a pleasant face, and hot pink hair, but a body that wasn’t very detailed or realistic so I didn’t get that one either. I know I shouldn’t accumulate more junk to have to dust, but what I did end up getting, for just a few bucks each, was a really nice fairy figurine. It’s kind of big and heavy and the kind you can put outdoors if you want. She’s got a dusting of fine gold glitter on her wings and sculpted dress and is sitting on the counter for now.

I also got one of those “breathable” Perfect Petzzz that normally goes for $40. This one is a cocker spaniel and it’s nicer than my golden retriever puppy. My golden pup has an on/off switch, but this one simply breathes till the battery dies. Don’t have a D battery right now, though.

Got Twinkle, my 22” doll, a new outfit also, since Hillary stole hers. She’s in a pale pink velvety top with a pink floral skirt. The waistband is a bit loose, but she’s posed lying on her tummy while propped on her elbows, so it doesn’t matter.

Since they started making nail polish with skinny brushes for doing designs it’s never been easier to do doll nails. I could even do the fairies. In the past, I would have to dab a toothpick in the polish and use that.

I know this is pure fantasy but it would be so nice to get a 3D printer, design and print 3D images, paint them, then sell them in my own little store. But I have a feeling this is something God would stop me from doing or at least from making any steady money at. Again, if He wanted me earning an income of my own He wouldn’t have cursed me with this type of sleep disorder. I’m sure the day I die will be the day you can get jobs online that pay at least minimum wage, though I would think most people would still want to work out of the house where they can be around other people. At this point, I wouldn’t care who was around so long as it was something I could do on my own schedule.

The rats are out playing now in their boxes. Again, they’d be absolutely heartbroken if they didn’t have those things to play in, haha. It’s their little play station or playground or whatever you want to call it. Let’s see these smarty rats knock my trash bin over now, though. I propped it up on a heavy jar.

While I have been enjoying a wonderfully trolless (I could get very used to this, too) poor Andy picked up a troll on Facebook. He’s the administrator of some pages there and I guess that when he had to ban someone they didn’t take it very well.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2014 We rebooted my computer while holding down the ‘alt’ key. It’s supposed to fix errors that accumulate on the drive and make things run faster. It seems to have helped a lot. Then I backed up on the Time Machine.

A few nights ago I had a dream Tom was going for a job interview somewhere but was still working his regular job. His bosses knew about the interview and didn’t seem to have a problem with it.

In my last dream, someone tried to rape me in a field, and as I told Andy, the good thing about being so fat and ugly is knowing this is so unlikely to happen for real. “You’re too obsessed with your weight,” he told me. Yeah, we all have our “rational” and silly fears and one of mine (besides Tom and I growing old with no one to help us) is getting so fat no matter what I eat and how much I exercise that I get so damn big I can barely wipe my own ass.

After the results of the lab testing come back I will then make a decision as far as what to do about my weight. I may not have much choice if this is truly how I naturally am meant to be. Just like we can’t always be taller just because we may want to be, well, we can’t always be thinner. If we could then so many of us wouldn’t be so big. Right now I only know I am NOT dieting before or during Hawaii.

I guess lipid profiling has to do with cholesterol, according to Andy. We may go to the lab tomorrow afternoon cuz the tests require 9 hours of fasting beforehand. I’ll be getting up around the time he gets in from work, so that would be a good time. Then we’ll go out to eat afterward. No guarantees, though. If something comes up then it will have to wait. Again, I don’t want to think about my health or weight till after the trip. I’m still pretty sure nothing’s wrong with me anyway. That would be my guess unless I am ever told otherwise.

We got our flight info and are going to be in the back row of 1st class on both flights – yes! No unruly kids to possibly be kicking the back of our chairs while its equally rude mother just sits there and allows it to do so.

The huge loud dog just outside the outskirts of the park makes me glad for once that my neighbors are always home, even if they aren’t exactly our immediate neighbors. On the rare occasion that its owners take off, the fucker is so damn loud that late at night you can hear it in certain parts of the house. It’s barely audible compared to how Jesse’s dogs used to be, but there’s no doubt what it is.

Got up just before 2pm today and heard the usual landscaping and traffic sounds till after 4:00. I stopped and briefly chatted with Hazel along the way when I was out running. Sweet but not all there Hazel, sweeping away on the common area that’s the park’s responsibility and virtually devoid of leaves because the park keeps up on it often enough. I should know. I hear them when I’m up and about.

rubs achy knees Sometimes I wonder if running is as overrated as racism.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2014 The appointment with Dr. C went well. There was very little waiting time and the doctor was very nice. Blond, tall, and kind of dressed like a nun without the habit; black shoes, black hose, black baggy dress.

A male nurse took some basic info from me first, then the doctor and I discussed things. Tom was with me so I didn’t have to repeat everything to him afterward and he could add anything of importance I may forget. Really, my memory is NOT like it used to be and I can’t think as fast as I used to either. I wonder if that’s normal for 48, but anyway, all my vitals are fine and unless I flunk my upcoming tests and exams, I highly doubt anything is wrong with me. Nothing serious anyway.

I’m a little overwhelmed by the fact that I will undoubtedly have more appointments this year alone than in the last 15 years. I have not seen a primary care physician since the late 90s. Other than the dentist and a few specialists, I spent nearly a decade without insurance. So there is a lot to catch up on. It’s just that the last time I did this it was a little easier because I had good vision, I wasn’t fat, and I wasn’t deafer than deaf. When out in public where there are many sounds coming at me at once everything seems to blend into one big senseless noise.

She looked down my throat, in my eyes and ears, listened to my heart and lungs, which are crystal clear, felt the glands in my neck, felt my tummy and gave me a tetanus shot. Not sure what that was for, though, since it’s not like I stepped on a rusty nail or anything. I already feel like I’ve been punched in the arm, too. I’m looking at the paperwork on what they’ve done and are going to do and it actually says “tetanus and diphtheria vaccine,” whatever the hell that means. Medical stuff interests me about as much as it would to have to listen to someone talk about God while I watched a football game.

LOL, for the status of this and that she’s got “overdue, overdue, overdue.” You got that right!

We discussed my allergies and how I had asthma that has since gone dormant since quitting smoking. We discussed my ear, sleep issues and tardive dyskinesia, a condition caused by the quacks that gave me happy pills in my late teens to early 20s that kindly neglected to warn me of this permanent condition which causes sporadic twitching in the face and neck muscles. I wouldn’t have brought the TD up, but a doctor (another quack?) once told me it was important to do so.

It was nice to be able, for the first time in my life, to bring up my sleep issues now that it’s been a real and documented condition since 1999, without hearing that I’m a lazy excuse queen who doesn’t really want to work because she hates people and that if I just set my alarm every day, I will finally break this “nasty habit” I so stupidly and selfishly got myself into by “using” my husband to support me.

I also told her I hadn’t pursued treatment as everything we were told and read suggests there’s not much that can be done about it, and I can’t get my disability benefits reinstated anyway because I didn’t work enough years, as fucked as that sounds. I mean, that’s WHY I didn’t work enough years, duh, but the wording is everything and all that was listed on my initial round of benefits was stress and anxiety and PTSD, but this was back in the 80s. As far as everyone was concerned back then, non-24-hour sleep cycle didn’t exist.

She wants me to see a specialist anyway. I guess they treat it with light and melatonin but don’t know the details right now. Something about a special kind of light that “tricks” you into thinking it’s daylight when it’s not. I don’t know how effective this is, though, or if it means they can now cure me so I can go get a job cleaning rooms at a hotel. That’d be the first thing I’d look for anyway. It’s straightforward work that you mostly do by yourself. Shouldn’t be too hard to get even though I’m older, white, a native US citizen and female, right?

Sometime up in Oregon I first noticed I had an ingrown toenail. It’s in my big left toe. It’s been an annoyance ever since, but again, we were uninsured or broke or sometimes both, so it hasn’t been dealt with yet. She’s going to perform a little surgery by numbing the toe and cutting that part of the nail out. It could grow back the same way or it could not grow back at all. Don’t know yet, but she agrees it was probably caused by a fungus. I am NOT looking forward to having needles stuck in my toe, but… no pain, no gain.

The dates of all my upcoming appointments aren’t yet etched in stone, but I will have blood and urine work done to test my thyroid and metabolism as well as hormone levels, diabetes, hepatitis and the usual things they do routine testing for. There are other things listed for testing but I don’t know what they mean. Vitamin D 25 hydroxy? Lipid profile?

Let’s see… I’ve gone this far even though I shouldn’t have and it really makes me uncomfortable to discuss anything medical, but for whatever it’s worth…

BP: 118/80

Pulse: 76 (that’s low for me)

Respirations: 20

Temperature: 97.6 (brrr)

Weight: 151

Height: 4’ 10.75” (WTF? And people call this “fun” size? Tell that to me when I’m trying to reach something from the top shelf!)

What worries me is how much the surgery, ear and sleep specialists may cost thus slowing down the home improvements. I want new carpet! And I want it THIS year!

We were surprised she was going to be doing both the toe surgery and the female exam. We thought she’d send us to specialists for that, too. She admits she’s not comfortable dealing with my ear, though. Congenital atresia is for the specialists only. Still…appointments, appointments, appointments! Yes, it’s nice to get this shit out of the way, but it’s still no fun, ya know? I still have to deal with the eye doctor and dentist, too.

Really, really didn’t want to have to get a female exam. Yeah, I know it’s risky not having them, but still… what are the odds of anything serious erupting down there? That may be more uncomfortable than my toe. I haven’t had sex in ages!

I didn’t know cervical cancer crept on you so fast. I knew early detection of breast cancer was important, but I thought there’d be some kind of pain or warning with cervical cancer. Shit, they’ll probably want me to have a mamo, too.

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2014 A radio producer in NYC (no joke) wants to do a radio interview with me about a writing project I worked on for them, but they never once mentioned money. If you’re not a friend I’m helping out, well, money talks or else Miss Rainbow walks.

“I feel like I’m gaining weight like a mother fucker,” I said to Tom after returning home sweaty and panting, “but it was a damn good run anyway.”

“Mother fuckers must be really talented,” said Tom. “After all, you say you’re as tired as a mother fucker, bloated as a mother fucker, pissed as a mother fucker, happy as a mother fucker, hungry as a mother fucker, writing like a mother fucker, learning languages like a mother fucker… mother fuckers must be pretty amazing.”

After I burst out laughing it was his turn to let out a burst of laughter once he took a look at our Macs. I told him that after reading the book I was reading I’d taken the precautionary measures of taping our webcams in case they ever got hacked. He said, “You can’t use scotch tape, sweetie. It’s clear.”

So he took it upon himself to cover them with orange duct tape. :)

Finally got fed up enough to kick Sarah off my feed. I’m sick of her posting the same old shit, particularly about her asshole father and God.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 2014 No rain today but the wind chimes are going off all around the house. It’s nice to hear, especially since it’s usually so calm out there.

Tom and I were chatting and we got on the subject of laws and porn after I was telling him about some crime documentaries I saw on YouTube and the rather interesting book I’m reading.

“I still don’t understand,” I said to Tom, “how one guy can get a fine and probation for beating the shit out of someone while another can go to prison for 4 years just for threatening someone. Doesn’t that seem totally backward? Anyone can make threats, but aren’t words just words unless you actually DO something?”

But then he pointed out that Charles Manson supposedly never killed anyone but he’s in jail for life. Would I want him released simply because all he’s done is make threats and encourage others to kill? NO!!! Absolutely not!

I guess it depends on the nature of the threats, the situation, the circumstances, and the people involved. Having someone say they’d like to strangle you for beating them at a game of chess is a far cry from being told you’re going to die by someone who’s got a rap sheet for assault.

I also still think it’s unfair as hell to give leniency to non-whites just as it was unfair when it used to be the other way around, and I don’t care how politically correct it may be to favor the previously oppressed. Make up the past by being fairer to them, not by favoring them, I say, because two wrongs never make a right.

As I told Tom, I’d rather not be attacked at all, of course, but if someone ever tried to hurt or kill me, I hope they’re white so they can’t play the race card, which we know would automatically work in their favor when they tried to say I tried to attack them for their color. I’d rather be attacked by a white person that got away with it, than by a black person that I went to jail for on assault charges that were really a case of self-defense.

The book I’m reading is called Malicious and is fast-paced and full of suspense. The “Slave Master” hacks webcams and spies on women that he sometimes blackmails, including a female cop who’s into porn. Like me, she’s fat and forties. And she too, has tried treadmilling off the weight but found that it just won’t budge.

Regardless of the fact that porn is becoming just as popular with women as it is with men, I envy her ability to find pleasure and variety in it, even if some of it is unrealistic. She’s 44 and has 3 orgasms in under an hour? By 40 our appetites begin to dwindle right along with our eyesight, so one can be challenging enough to achieve no matter how good your partner or vibrator may be, but 3???

Unlike her, I have someone who will service me (unless he’s busy, sleeping or working) whenever I want, but wouldn’t it add such fun and variety to my sex life if only I could get into porn too?! Sometimes there are things we wish we did like as much as there are things we wish we didn’t like. But porn does absolutely nothing for me. Nothing. Zip. Nada. It turns me on no easier than watching a video of someone jogging or a family of tigers bathing in the wild would turn me on. Thinking of a particular person I’m attracted to turns me on, but would I be any more turned on by watching that person participate in intimate acts with others? Hmm… not sure. But oh what fun it would be if I could get turned on watching a couple go at it while Tom was asleep, then by watching some hot chick do herself while he was at work. But unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way for me and I don’t think I can make it work that way any more than someone can make themselves attracted to a particular gender or type of person that they just aren’t into.

Later…

We definitely have to get a new dishwasher when we return from Hawaii. There was a small puddle on the floor. I am NOT going back to the days of washing dishes any more than vacuuming. I refuse! Spoiled or not, I live in a lux manufactured home in a lux park and I’m not going back to my old ways now. So if it isn’t pots and pans, I’m not washing them!

Gotta carry on with the rest of the upgrades, too. We wanted to wait and see how much we’d spend in Hawaii first, which will probably be too damn much, knowing us.

We try to order things in bulk at Sam’s Club and on Amazon where they will be cheaper and save us a bit of money. For $160 we did an all-Prime Amazon order to save on shipping and he got a new hard drive for an old computer he’s using for special projects, a graphics card, and a drawer storage cabinet for tools. The rats got 20 pounds of food and some bedding. I got cinnamon K-cups, patchouli incense, and a few more of those realistic solid vinyl animals for my collection of farm and wildlife animals. To join the others will be a white-tailed fawn, a howling coyote, and a nursing German shepherd.

Funny how so many people are “excited” to start Nutrisystem. Ooh, I’m excited to feel like I’m starving my ass off! So excited to have hunger pangs wake me up! Woo-hoo, so excited to be positively hungry as hell and sluggish. Don’t forget how exciting that will be too! There’s no greater feeling on earth than being sluggish and hungry and it damn near excites me right into peeing my pants. :)

Nane wasn’t offended at all, luckily. That’s nice to know. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world had she flipped out and dumped me, but I’m glad she didn’t. Apparently, Facebook is different in Germany. Where they can disallow messages from strangers (wish we could too), they don’t see their friends’ activities unless they go to their walls. What the hell does she see in her newsfeed then???

I explained to her that that’s how I know when she’s “liked” or commented on something. I can go to her wall too, but she is on my ‘close friends’ list and that allows you to see the most activity. Still, “Why are you spying on me Miss Rainbow?” was a weird question. She’s not only on my friend list, but she has a public account.

Later…

When Andy made the comment about me not believing racism existed I was both stunned and dismayed. It made me realize I’m not the good writer I thought I was if I gave that impression. Everybody experiences discrimination to some degree. What I’ve been saying is that reverse discrimination is just as real. In some places and cases, it’s MORE real. But many people don’t seem to want to believe that any more than they want to believe there is no God or that God is evil.

I know some blacks still get shit on and that sucks. But I also know that many of today’s claims of racism are pure bullshit and not just because I was a victim of reverse discrimination myself. What happened to me wasn’t just about race, though. That was part of it. The other part was revenge for lodging a city complaint about noise and vandalism. Just because some of them are getting shit on doesn’t mean there isn’t even more of the shitting on us. Years ago society was afraid to address domestic violence and child abuse. Maybe someday people will be brave enough to address the fact that yes, many blacks do see playing the race card as a very hip thing to do. They are often favored in the courts and in the job market and often cry racism when someone pisses them off without caring who their false claims may hurt. So do I believe none get discriminated against? Absolutely not. Do I think many are exaggerating or making up bogus claims of discrimination to gain something or spite someone else? Absolutely.

For a group that can have black this and black that without being called racists, be exempt from being charged with hate crimes, and behave as they often do as a whole, I have a hard time feeling sorry for them. I’m fine with individuals who are fair, honest and real, but as a whole they suck and I don’t understand why so few people see this. Same goes for Arabs. As a whole, I have no sympathy for them. If you’re an individual who can live without killing someone that pisses you off, then I may talk to you. Meanwhile, I’m a bigot and a monster for not being politically hip, cool and correct by not loving every Arab that walks this earth same as blacks, right?

He said he wasn’t trying to piss me off but knew his posting an anti-racism pic would piss me off. Then why post it??? He said because he knew I thought it didn’t exist. Again, that’s not what I thought, but we also can’t make someone believe something they don’t believe either or like a certain person or group. Those who hate gays and lesbians aren’t going to suddenly like them just because I tell them to or want them to or go around posting anti-gay bashing pics. It’d be like someone trying to tell them Arabs are wonderfully loving, mellow, rational people who aren’t pro-violence. In other words, it’s not going to work. So we may as well not only accept who we hate/like/love, but who others hate/like/love as well. If anything, the more we try to rub something in people’s faces, not that he or anyone else is necessarily doing that, the more they tend to resist.

Meanwhile, it’s okay to take action against a black person who has been victimized in some way. What’s NOT okay is to sit back and allow them to do the same thing to whites that they don’t want whites doing to them. Dual standards. It has always pissed me off when women go down harder for the same crimes men commit or get less pay for the same jobs men have, so why should it be okay for blacks to discriminate against whites? Because of their history as slaves? But that’s just it… it’s history and that’s why they call it Black History Month because it’s HISTORY.

Nonetheless, and as I told Andy, I’m personally sick of hearing about the subject. I’m only writing this cuz I realize that if a close friend could’ve had me wrong all this time, so could others, and so I just wanted to say that no, I don’t think racism against blacks is totally a thing of the past. I think a lot of it is, but not all of it. Somebody’s always gonna hate somebody, right or wrong, like it or not.

I was in therapy for many months on account of what happened to me and while it may be therapeutic to write about our negative experiences the same as our positive ones, I’d really rather not be reminded of it so much anymore than I would think a rape victim wants to read books and watch movies involving rape. Not trying to bury my head in the sand like so many want to do instead of actually dealing with reverse discrimination, but there’s only so much time we can focus on the bad things in life. I want to focus more on happier things. I know discrimination, abuse, violence, disease, hunger, poverty and other horrible things exist and always will. But sometimes I just want to see the sunshine, you know? I don’t want to wonder what the hell my husband and I are going to do when we get too old to take care of ourselves. I don’t want to worry that I may one day end up severely obese. I don’t want to think about the possibility of getting cancer someday. I just want to see the sunshine, smell the roses, and enjoy knowing I have someone who truly loves me unconditionally and that I am healthy.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11, 2014 Amazing! It’s actually raining out there! So I guess this will be our one rainy day for this month. We’ll probably experience more rain during our week in Hawaii than we do in half a year in Cali.

Tom said he read that adding salt doesn’t make water boil faster and that that’s just a myth. No wonder it seems to take forever no matter what.

Yesterday was the final day of the Fast Five Nutrisystem trial. Halfway through my day, I knew I had done it long enough to know what it was like, and started eating normally again. The next day (today) I awoke to find I’d gained the two pounds back I’d lost. All in less than half a day! So fuck NS. I don’t want to have to half-starve myself for life. Still having “skinny” dreams, though. Does this mean the doctor will find a thyroid problem and fix it? I doubt it. Seems too easy. I will mention my suspicions, though, as well as show off my beautiful ingrown toenail and ask what she recommends about that.

Can’t wait to find out if Nane dumps me come Monday after letting her know I took offense to her “question,” assuming she checks in that day. Guess it will depend on how busy she is. If she does I won’t be on Facebook that much at all. I’m sick of the glitches and could definitely do without having to hear about how much Sarah loves her asshole daddy. clenches fists Like a rape victim having to hear all kinds of praise for her rapist. I could block her from my newsfeed, but she is my niece and would rather not do that just yet. It’s weird, though. All this love and praise for her father and sister (the sister I can understand), but none for Mom? They always seemed to get along at least from what I can tell.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10, 2014 We have now lived here for half a year! I can just imagine how many outdoor projects the Jes pest has completed in this 6-month period. How many decks has he hammered out? How many old mufflers has he beat on? How many engines has he built and gunned? How many trees has he sawed down? How many times has he roared in and out on his Harley? How many problems has the trailer had? How much barking has the new renters had to hear? How many firebreaks will his motorcycle-loud bulldozer have to create? A lot if I’m right about this drought being the new way, thanks to global warming.

Anyway, today is the last day of the Fast Five. I will decide next month if I want to go all out on it. It will surely prove or disprove my thyroid suspicions if I do. I’m just glad my period was on time so that’s one less thing I have to deal with when trying to enjoy my Hawaiian vacation! Now if my sleep issues and screaming kids could just keep out of it…

Today I got that head rush or lightheaded feeling or whatever it is for the first time in nearly a week, but it backed off after I ate. I don’t like to discuss medical problems anymore, but will just quickly say that I’ll be addressing my ingrown toenail which gets on my nerves at times to the new doctor I see in a few days and we’ll see what she recommends. I guess I’ll probably return after the trip for standard blood and urine work too, but I don’t know about a female exam. I’m the type that would prefer not to go to a doctor unless I have a problem, though I know some wouldn’t agree with that. Tom thinks I should have my heart listened to every now and then as heart disease is hereditary and is what killed my father, both grandfathers, and an uncle.

On the menu for my final trial day is a peanut butter granola bar for breakfast, potato soup for lunch, flatbread pizza for dinner, and a peppermint patty for dessert. I will, as always, mix in some fruits, veggies and dairy. Baby apples are a good thing. They’re cheap and easy to grab and eat whenever. I don’t hate them like I hate carrots, but I’m not overly fond of apples either. With baby ones, I can take just a few bites and not have to deal with eating a whole apple. Yesterday’s snack was popcorn and OMG! It was delicious! Very movie theater-like. Loved the chicken Alfredo, too.

Later…

Alison has not only continued to get emails from Molly and her mother, but mostly Molly, but she deleted that account. Apparently, Molly would send messages from a few accounts and they would go back and forth. In one she wanted to send her a belated Christmas present and in another, she’s accusing her of being a mean, heartless bitch. Don’t know that I’d go so far as to delete the account, but am glad they never got a hold of any of my email addies. Alison seems to change email addies regularly, though, which may have to do with work or something I don’t know about.

Molly is currently restricted from going online, but give it two months or so, and the “experts” will deem her cured and allow her to go back online to repeat her mistakes which mostly consists of contacting those who don’t want to be contacted. My tracker will tell me when she returns. She can’t see my blog, but she can still go to it. It’s like with Facebook. Anyone can go to my Facebook page, they just can’t see the posts. For now, I am enjoying a troll-free, drama-free cyber life! Still not sure if a year of going underground and making myself hard to access and my activity a total mystery will shake her or Kim completely, cuz there’s a difference between the mean troll and the crazy troll. A lot of crazy people out there seem to live in a time warp with absolutely no sense of time whatsoever. A year under radar to them could very well seem like a week. They simply have no perception of time.

Then I get another email from Alison today saying that Kim dumped her and she felt hurt, angry and sad, but figured all she could do was learn from it and move on. True, and as I told her, I can’t express the importance of going underground enough to her, and not contacting or responding to them in either way. Not if she wants the slightest chance in hell of forever escaping these loons.

In Aly’s email about Kim shutting her out, she said to please not tell her that I told her so. I told her no problem and that if anything SHE might soon be telling me that. Back when Nane dumped me in 2010 for 6 weeks, supposedly due to a misunderstanding, she said she felt she had been playing with me and might eventually dump me again.

But then Nane and I made up and things were fine. About 2-5 times a week we’d chat and she really seemed to care about me and what was going on in my life. She let me into her life as well and shared some interesting experiences with me, which I appreciated and enjoyed.

Now, though, I’m wondering if she’s on the verge of dumping me again. If she does I can tell you right now there will be no round two of kissing and making up. I fought to win her back over the first time, but this time I’m not going to care enough to fight for her. If she wants out of this friendship, fine. I will let her go because I know the frustration of what it’s like to try to disengage myself from those I no longer want to associate with who just can’t let go, and would never want to make anyone feel like they’re stuck with me or anything like that. If you want out… go!

Fortunately, Nane’s one of the few I can imagine ever stalking me if our friendship did end. Most people, though, will seek revenge on you and stalk the hell out of you. Sure seems that way anyway.

The last several weeks I’ve been hearing less and less from her and at first I wondered if it was because she saw a picture of me that shows the weight I gained. I didn’t regret sharing it with her, though, cuz that’s how you know your true friends. Also, I’m comfortable enough with how/who I am that I don’t need anyone’s approval either. If I ever do lose weight it will be for me and me only. Sorry, but trying to snuff that selfish side of me is like trying to snuff that side of me that loves rats as pets. That’s been my attitude for a long time now. Don’t like how I look; the simple solution is to just not look at me. :)

But I wasn’t sure that this had anything to do with it since we did have quite a bit of contact immediately afterward. Eventually, I started hearing less and less from her and began to wonder why and why she was ignoring or at least putting off my messages and not able to answer a simple little question like whether or not she got the email I sent her. I also reminded her to give me her address, which she said she would do so I could send her a postcard from Hawaii, and she hasn’t even done that. Finally, I messaged her this morning and told her I’d seen her online every day but wanted to give her space. Meanwhile, is everything okay?

Then I wake up today to find, “Why are you spying on me, Miss Rainbow?”

I blinked with confusion and said to myself, is this a joke? She IS on my friend list, duh, so I can see her likes, comments, and other activities without having to “spy.” But there was no smiley face she usually includes when she’s joking and I began to wonder if her heart was really in our friendship at this point.

As time went on and I had a chance to reflect on it, I realized I was kind of offended by this “question.” Anyone who feels “spied” on should not be on my friend list. Period. I even considered deleting her and seeking out a couple of friends’ advice but didn’t want to drag them into something that had nothing to do with them. But then when Alison shared her story with me I felt I could update her and ask what she thought she would do. She said she could be joking. It’s hard to say. She too, would probably feel insulted by that but I shouldn’t delete her without telling her how I feel. How she reacts will probably answer my question as to whether or not she really wants to remain friends. I agree. So I did tell her how I felt and asked if she still wanted to be friends. I have a feeling it’s going to piss her off and into dumping me, but that’s how I’ll know, and as I said before, the door is wide open if she wants to go. I don’t want to dump her just to end up wondering if I jumped the gun and made a mistake like I almost did with Adonis, thanks to fucking Kim and her impersonation games she just has to play. I’d rather let her dump me and spare me any guilt if that’s what she truly ends up doing.

Later…

Had a dream I wrote:

Dear God,

Someday you’re going to allow someone to fuck me over that even You can’t protect.

When I awoke my mind flashed back to all those who wronged me in both big ways and little ways as a child and as an adult - from family to friends, from authority figures to neighbors - and how no one has ever been made accountable for any of it. This still, and will always, bother me to know that I am so damn worthless in God’s eyes that I am deserving of whatever shit people want to dish at me and it’s okay. Again, I don’t believe in coincidences. Not when there are too many of them anyway. A few people getting away with things would’ve been one thing, but when so many have done so much that always, always happen to have a hold on me or are somehow out of reach and exempt from either the law or my fists, it’s obvious that a higher power of some kind is protecting them. I’ve known this for a while now.

What I realize is that I’m no different than others in some ways. I have made it a point for a long time now not to be vengeful in ways I can possibly be vengeful, but I also realize that just like everyone else, I am only human and I do have my limits. Everybody’s got a breaking point at which they could snap like a twig. Mine would be if someone tried to harm the person I love most – my husband.

Let the law handle anyone who did that?!?! Our often corrupt and unfair law?!?! My ass I would let them handle it and risk the perp walking on some lame technicality whose whereabouts I may not be able to trace!

Leave it to karma to get them? Nah, I don’t think so. Karma seems to forget an awful lot of people, and while karma may certainly be quick to visit me if I step out of line, karma visiting those who have wronged me (or my husband) is almost certainly pure wishful thinking. Remember, once you’ve met your soul mate, what happens to you happens to them. It was me the Phoenix people were after, but watching his wife get legally fucked over was victimizing him as well. So if my perps aren’t punished for their evil deeds, his probably wouldn’t be either, is my point.

After I was freed from jail and vindicated, I promised myself I would never ever again be held in captivity of any kind, and that doesn’t mean being held back by poverty like we were for many years. It means places like Valleyhead, Brattleboro, jails… anyplace I can’t open a door to and walk out of any time I want to. Cuz that’s another thing right there; if I’m ever framed and sent to jail ever again, the person(s) responsible better make damn sure I never get out alive, for sometimes we have to bypass doing what’s “right” to do what we feel is right in our hearts, legal or not, against society’s views or not.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 2014 Woke to Day 4 and was glad to find myself not utterly famished for once. Not gonna update my weight on NS, though until next month, if I decide to dive into this full-time.

I was wrong yesterday in saying I was down 2.2 pounds. It was actually 1.2, duh, but now it’s 1.4.

Anyway, today I definitely have to get out for my 2-mile run as I don’t like to take more than 2 days off from that. It’s a serious, hard-core, heart-pounding, foot-stomping, sweat-pouring workout, though, so it’s not something I do every day. Tomorrow is arm and ab day.

The rats are out getting their own daily exercise, then it will be my turn.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2014 Down 2.2 pounds, hungry as hell, but still alive and well. Just a quick update for those considering or at least curious about the 5-day Nutrisystem trial I’ve been doing, then enough food talk for me! I’m staying offline more too, where I don’t have to see ad after ad about this restaurant or that restaurant, as well as posts and chats about what people ate for lunch and plan to eat for dinner. Tell me this shit on Saturday! I mean sure enough Andy’s got a pic up on how McDonald’s is out of “boy toys.” Sometimes I wonder if he likes to annoy/offend me or if he’s just that inconsiderate and lacking in common sense.

Unlike Andy, my sister and many others, I’ve never been good at cooking and nutrition and all that shit. Of course I know what’s healthy and what’s not, but I’ve never been good at balance, variety, measuring, cooking and that sort of thing. Part of it is probably due to my not being good with numbers. That’s why Tom takes care of the finances while I compose any important email (unless I’m not available when he needs it done) so he doesn’t have to spend 45 minutes doing what takes me just 5 minutes to do. Even though his spelling and grammar are pretty good, it takes him forever just to write a lousy paragraph about whatever. Every now and then I catch him in serious boo-boos like when he listed a sequined cap we sold on eBay back down in Arizona as “sequenced.” rolls eyes and laughs I’m sure he also thinks he “petals” his bike when he really pedals.

Anyway, I thought it’d be $300 a month to go all out on their program, and it is if you want to customize your menu. They have 3 plans, so I saw, but I would be fine on the basic plan for $230 where they choose your menu for you. There are only a few things I may not like in the plan, but I would still eat them. Hey, as hungry as you are on this thing you just might even consider dog shit! Nutrisystem’s food is still WAY better than most other diet foods like Weight Watchers. Their food is horribly spicy. Sometime in February I will sit down and write a list of pros and cons to both losing weight and NOT losing weight.

On today’s menu is a whole-wheat bagel with a touch of real honey for breakfast. Inside the package was this oxygen absorber that says DO NOT EAT. The bagel felt and tasted amazingly fresh, though a bit on the bland side.

Lunch will be a chocolate caramel bar, dinner will be a chicken pot pie, and dessert will be chocolate chip cookies.

I love having something different every day. Because I’m such a shitty cook, variety wasn’t easy for me. I’d often get things in bulk and have the same things too many days in a row. Tom would have to go for the more expensive customized plan if he ever wanted to do this cuz where I’ll eat almost anything, he’ll eat almost nothing. He’d hate about 75% of the stuff.

Yesterday was surprisingly worse hunger-wise. Some of that and the fatigue could be PMS-related, but I’m sure a great deal of it is the diet cuz that’s just what diets do. I’m hoping my stomach has now shrunk enough that it won’t feel like it’s been on empty for months. It’s too early in my day to say right now.

May skip my run for today, but haven’t decided yet. Maybe I’ll spend most of the day cleaning and proofreading.

The damn spiders are already back. When I walked through a break in the Cypress trees for yesterday’s run I felt a web cling to me – yuck!

The electric company was at the house across the street. I wonder if they found an electrical problem when they did the inspection cuz that seems to be when the deal fell through and it was put back on the market.

So what is it with my PMS being on time while my period is late???

Later…

My period is starting after all – yay, no period in Hawaii! – but I’m not sure that trying to avoid discussions and ads pertaining to food while on the Fast Five is right after all. Initially, I was hoping for a little more support (hint, hint), since after all, we wouldn’t wave a cigarette in front of someone’s face that was trying to quit, would we? I’d hope not anyway! But I also realize that the mentioning of food and ads related to it isn’t going to go away simply cuz I’m doing this trial run here.

NS recommends keeping a daily blog/journal about my dieting/exercising experiences to help me reflect on my progress and better reach my goals. This makes sense, but then some people will insist I’m obsessed with it and they’ve heard enough about it, blah, blah, blah.

Taps fingers thoughtfully What to do, what to do, what to do… I guess I should just do what I feel is best for me in this case and not worry so much about others. We all see/hear shit we’d rather not see/hear or that we don’t like and may not be interested in both online and offline. So… if you don’t want to read about my NS experience, don’t. Meanwhile, I’ll stay offline or at least be picky about where I go in cyberspace if I don’t want the food reminders.

That being said let me update Day 3. Well, it was terrible. I was hungry as hell and sluggish like you wouldn’t believe. I was really hoping today would be easier, but if this is the way it’s going to continue to be, then it’s not worth it at all. Hell, I’d rather GAIN weight than feel this yucky.

Two more days to go, though, so I’m not going to make any decisions just yet as to whether or not I’m going to go all out after the Hawaii trip.

Tomorrow’s menu is granola cereal for breakfast, red beans and rice for lunch, chicken Alfredo for dinner, and popcorn for dessert.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2014 After I write about Day 1 on Nutrisystem I’m going to stay offline as much as I can to avoid the food talk. You know how it is, people are always talking about food, ads are always talking about food, yet my hunger pangs are enough of a reminder. Screw trying to ask people (like Andy) to shut up about it when dealing with me directly. It ain’t their diet/suffering so what do they care? LOL, you want support, then get offline!

Anyway, I was what I expected to be throughout most of yesterday – hungry and tired. But I’ve already lost 1.8 pounds. I knew I would. It’s continuing to get results that I have a problem with, but we’ll find out if I can break that cycle in mid-February, and that’s only after finding out if 5 days of this shit is going to kill me or not, LOL. Today was off to a hungry start, but I expect that tomorrow will be when my tummy will have shrunk enough and gotten used to not taking in more than a couple hundred calories at once. It usually takes 72 hours to adjust to a diet. It will never be easy, but will be easier. Then after my trip, I can decide if I want to go all out or not. Yesterday I had:

Cinnamon streusel muffin Fudge Graham bar Lasagna Cheesecake bar 4 servings of veggies of my choosing Cheese Yogurt

Today, besides my veggies, cheese and smoothie, I’ll be having:

Double chocolate muffin Chicken noodle soup Chocolate covered pretzels Rotini and meatballs

The food is wonderful. It’s like being a kid again with having my meals prepared for me without actually being a kid again. Also without having to eat anything I don’t like, though the only item in this 5-day trial I might not like is the rice in a spicy sauce. Rice is fine, spicy sauce isn’t. The plan has a good variety of foods, including just enough sweetness that I don’t crave sweets or certain foods. No suddenly wanting to run out to KFC. No wanting to slam on a pint of coffee ice cream either.

Now Starbucks caramel K cups, on the other hand, is the most God-awful coffee I’ve ever had. It’s the weirdest shit. Tastes almost like it’s laced with pepper.

If I enroll in a plan online, then I can pick exactly what I want to eat and weed out anything that may be too spicy or too bland. Like I said, though, right now I just want to get a feel for what it’s like. No point in going all out with it now just to go stuff myself in Maui. If I feel it’s sustainable I’ll give it a shot in February, like I said, and see if I can lose more than the usual 3-5 pounds. My body will probably do what it usually does, though – drop a few pounds, then fight to hang onto the weight and slowly reset itself. I don’t have to get a whole month’s worth at first just in case history really does repeat itself, but then again, I like the food. So whether I lost a few pounds from it or more than just a few, I’m still gonna eat it.

Later…

Wish I knew exactly what time today they’ll mow and blow the gray house like they do every Tuesday, cuz that’s when I’d take off for my run and literally run away from the annoying buzzing sounds.

Andy and I used to tease “Nervous” about his tie collection and ask him if he showed his boss his collection of tacky ties from what seemed like the 50s. Well, if the geek was still alive and if there was such a thing as showing his boss his degree collection, he sure wouldn’t have much to show since it’s only 11° right now in Springfield, MA. LOL, that’s toasty warm compared to the -14° Andy said it was a few days ago. Makes me wanna scream just thinking about it!

Called Tammy yesterday and even got to talk to Sarah for the first time since she was 8 or 9 which was nice. She was there cleaning since Tammy can’t quite get around just yet.

I told Tammy the code to our lockbox and said that she, Mark and the girls could help themselves to our stuff if our plane went down and she asked if it was in writing. I reminded her I told her on Facebook, but as she pointed out, you really should take something like that to the bank and get it notarized with witnesses present. LOL, didn’t think about that, but she does have a point, cuz then anyone could say anyone told them to help themselves to their stuff if they died. Without a notarized note, the state would get our stuff and they’d be the ones to sell our house. Years ago I wouldn’t have given a shit what happened to our stuff if we died, but now I’d definitely prefer it if they got it.

A black car came in playing semi-loud music yesterday. Let me guess, it went right to the house the blacks are in, right?

Later…

I was skimming through my journals from the first apartment complex I lived at when I first moved to Arizona. Oh, the grief I could’ve spared myself if I’d just minded my own business and kept to myself!

They haven’t done the gray house yet, but the park was out blowing leaves, as usual. So much for taking off on my run to escape it, though, since there were others all along my running trail blowing the 20 or so leaves that were on the ground around each tree dotting the perimeters.

I only stayed out 15 minutes, as I didn’t want to make myself any hungrier than I already was. Sure got back just in time to hear Bob slam the shit out of the SUV door, though, and am really damn glad he doesn’t usually do that. Virginia must be there. The garage door is open and I only saw him behind the wheel.

Just 3 more weeks till Hawaii! Got that plus tons of appointments coming up, and the initial round of appointments isn’t it. I’ll probably have to go back to my primary doctor (or a specialist) to deal with my ingrown toe, back to the dentist to have fillings done, and back to the eye doctor hopefully only to pick up my new glasses.

Sometimes I’m not sure going to a doctor is right for me. Too many of them falsely diagnose people these days. Tammy had one doctor tell her she had a thyroid condition while another said she didn’t. I don’t expect any doctor to know it all, of course, but people’s lives and bodies shouldn’t be like one big fun guessing game to them either. How bad can they fuck up dealing with an ingrown toenail, though?

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2014 We didn’t get to re-potting the trees, this weekend, but we got other things done around here, plus ran the usual errands. Stopped at the closest Goodwill store yesterday and got a 24” black porcelain doll that’s actually kinda nice. Having once been a collector for many years, I knew I’d find out who she was once I got her home and studied the nape of her neck. She’s Hillary, a 1989 doll by Dianna Effner. I once had her smaller Sunshine and Lollipops doll but sold her years ago. I found Hillary, in a variety of skin colors and outfits, selling on eBay for around $80.

My Hillary has nice shiny black curls and dark curious eyes. She came in a nice, but old-fashioned dress. Her shoes are cute but need cleaning. I threw her in Twinkle’s outfit for now. Twinkle, who lays on her stomach propped up on her elbows, is now wearing her dress since you can’t see as much of it with the way she’s posed. I’ll eventually get her a new outfit from the newborn section next time I’m in a department store.

Tom got a great deal on an old computer he wants for its parts. The graphics card is good and the memory holds just as much as our Macs.

Goodwill also has good incense, so I grabbed about 8 98-cent packs of that and have vanilla, strawberry, cool water, obsession, peach, China rain, rainforest and cinnamon. The packaging is cheap, of course, and when you open the bags you tear away the labels. So I used Tom’s label printer and it’s awesome.

In about 20 minutes I’m going to have my Nutrisystem breakfast. I’ve got it set up so that I have one of their meals/snacks plus fruit and veggies of my own choosing every hour and a half. I’ll eat 9 or 10 times but most of it will be 100 calories or less.

A couple of hours from now and I gotta go out for my run. At that time I’ll let the robot vacuum. Then it’s back to proofreading and posting old journals to the tune of landscaping and car doors. Yesterday was great. There were no water outages, no show and tell at the house across the street, and no landscaping sounds. Wish every day could be like that!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2014 One of the things we got at Walmart was Plaster of Paris. We’re going to add this to the pots my artificial desert trees are in to make them weightier.

Gotta change the rats’ cage as well as do some other tasks around the house and run some errands as well.

Tomorrow starts my 5-day Nutrisystem trial. I’m sure I’ll be so damn hungry the first two days that the weekend will seem worlds away! I won’t even want to think of food. But if it is doable enough and if I do decide to go all out with it, it won’t be till mid-February. Why diet, go to Hawaii and pig out, then undo all my hard work? I picked mid-February cuz that’s when my eye appointment is and when I plan to visit the Chinese restaurant nearby for their fried rice which is to die for. Hell, I’ll probably consume 2500 calories alone that day!

At least with Nutrisystem, I won’t have to worry if I’ve fucked up counting calories since everything’s counted out for me. The only things that aren’t are my veggie servings and my 4 mini snacks, but that’s a lot easier to keep track of than a whole day’s worth of food. I need to do it for 2-3 weeks to really get a sense if anything could be wrong with me thyroid-wise or whatnot. Just about any diet will initially knock a few pounds off me. It’s continuing to get results that’s the problem. Yeah, I keep dieting but my body stops losing, haha. Maybe with something that is counted, measured and packaged for me, I will continue to get results for as long as I do it. How the hell I would maintain any significant loss, though, is totally beyond me. Like I said in my previous entry, it’s not “natural” for a 48-year-old woman to be thin, and so my body’s gonna fight it tooth and nail.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2014 Feeling kinda yucky today with the PMS from hell. Really hope I don’t skip a month and that my period is on time for once. My back aches like hell, and part of why I don’t go to a masseuse is because the PMS is going to return each month no matter what. Also, I’ll put Tom’s hands to work for 10 minutes or so and I’ll be fine. What’s not so easy to just massage away is the fucking water and fatigue. I’m just so glad I got out of the obese range so I can pick something up off the floor even when waterlogged. I swear if you stuck a fork in me, about 3 pounds of water would come gushing out like crazy!

I’m frustrated with Paula cuz no matter how many times I ask I can’t get her to tell me what’s going on with her in a message. We keep missing each other, I keep asking her to update me in a message, and she keeps telling me to call her. Fuck it. I’m not going to play phone tag games with her. Besides, nothing I dream is going to change what’s destined to come anyway.

Anyway, Tom and I are heading out soon to Walmart and then to have fun browsing through other stores as well.

Later…

Decided to just do Walmart today. We spent $200 there. Maybe tomorrow, though, we’ll go to Goodwill. You never know what bargains you may find there.

$45 of the Walmart run was that 5-day Nutrisystem trial thingy I mentioned before. I love how they make it simple and how everything is packaged, weighed, measured and cooked for you. It comes with 15 entrées and 5 desserts. Monday – Friday I will have 3 entrees, a dessert, 2 “Powerfuel” snacks of my choosing, and 2 “Smartcarb” snacks. So I will eat 10 times a day. While nothing in this package contains anything I wouldn’t eat, I’m sure the hunger will be insane cuz each item is barely more than a few bites.

This way I can tell the doctor when I see her on the 14th how my body reacted to it. If something’s wrong with my thyroid, I want to know about it and I need to know about it cuz it could be a serious problem for me later on down the road if I don’t deal with it now. There’s got to be some reason why my body gives up after losing just a few pounds. As I was telling someone else earlier, the reason I’ve probably had an easy enough time maintaining my weight is because it’s 25 pounds too much and we’re SUPPOSED to be fat when we’re older. Not obese, but fat. If I tried to maintain 120 pounds or lower there’d be no way I could do it like I could 25 years ago.

The point is that I’ve been wondering for a long time if something’s up with me or if this is how I naturally am. I don’t want to go all out on Nutrisystem and pay the $300 a month just to lose 5 pounds that’ll only return even if I keep on dieting and exercising. Or that can’t be maintained even if I did lose 20-30 pounds.

Would I do the Nutrisystem program if I knew it would work? sighs thoughtfully I don’t know. I just don’t know yet. We could afford it, but I’m not sure I’d want to get a new wardrobe either right now. It would definitely help with my mobility even more if I got some more bulk off and out of the way, but right now the home improvements are more important to me since it’s not like I’m 50-100 pounds overweight. So… one step at a time. First step is seeing what the trial is like. I’ve always been curious about how programs like Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers work. Well, not so much how they work (that much is obvious), but what it’s like to actually be on one of their programs. Once I see what it’s like and whether or not I lose weight, then I’ll decide if I want to just stay where I’m at or go all out with it. I’d also like to hear what the experts have to say about my thyroid and the results of any blood work they do. They won’t be doing much on the 14th, though. That’ll just be the initial getting-to-know-the-patient routine.

Got the dentist and eye doctor in February, and the eye doctor makes me a bit nervous. I suppose it shouldn’t, though, cuz glaucoma doesn’t fester to the point of being a serious problem overnight. It usually takes 10-15 years, so I should be years away from needing any drops if I ever do need any at all. Hopefully, the OH was just a one-time thing and the pressure will be back to normal next time around. Either way, I need stronger glasses.

One trip and 3 appointments in less than 2 months! Guess you could say I’m a little overwhelmed.

I also need this park to stop fucking with our water and stop the landscaping craze. Four times I had to hear it yesterday, and while it may’ve been short-lived, it was no less annoying. Today I hear something running that may be outside the park, but still, I hear this shit nearly every day and you would think I’d be used to it by now, but I’m not. Oh well. It’s better than 12 hours of barking.

Just when I was thinking how nice it was to have no pipes break in months, this is the third day in a row they shut our water off for about an hour.

Anyway, Tom got a label maker to create labels for his storage bins in the workshop, and I got my first paper journal since the 90s. It’s got a rainbow-colored leopard print on its hardcover and is going to be used mostly on the plane to and from Hawaii. Since I probably won’t fill up all 200 pages, I’ll probably write one here and there over the upcoming years and make my own “library” contribution along with the previous owner and all the books they left behind. I should do a page in Spanish, Italian and German, too. LOL

Okay, I’ve had enough of the mower or wood chipper or whatever the hell it is that’s been running toward the front end of the house. I’m going to crawl into bed in back with my Kindle and read to the hum of my air cleaner.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 3, 2014 Our new luggage arrived. The purple seems darker in person and I wonder if the suitcases are too small for two people for a week, but Tom says it’s plenty.

The rats’ new water bottle also arrived and that’s definitely small at 10 oz. It’s more suitable for one hamster or gerbil, but a couple of giant rats? It’s fine, though, cuz we want to add additional bottles while we’re gone in case one fails.

We got a few thumb drives as well. One’s going in the lockbox outside with all my docs, graphics and music backed up onto it. The chances of a break-in may be next to nothing, but this way they can get the electronics and other valuables, but I still have what’s most important to me in the lockbox as well as with me in Hawaii.

We’re going to do an inventory of everything that’s over $300 so our insurance can replace anything if worse came to worse, though when you think about it, we really don’t have that much of value. Only a few expensive dolls, computers, printer, TV, refrigerator and treadmill, and that’s pretty much it. We don’t have any expensive jewelry. Just our wedding bands which are always on our fingers. The car will be at the airport. It’s gonna be wonderful jumping into a car and driving home after the trip, instead of getting off a train in the middle of a cold, dark icy night where we had to walk a few blocks to the dump we rented when we returned from the Caribbean cruise I won in early 2007.

Later…

Paula left a message but wouldn’t say anything about her health. Instead, she said to call her at noon her time cuz she’s “really curious” to hear about the dream I had about her. Well, of course she is. She knows my accuracy rate is too good for comfort. If it weren’t for the grim circumstances that usually surround my dream premonitions I’d feel so blessed and so proud of just how “good” I am same as with how well I usually write and how fast I pick up languages. I’d be like, ooh, look what I can do! What a gift, huh?

Now fast forward to reality. She is A, not saying anything about her health, and B, wants to know about the dream. Kinda makes me wonder, alright, but like Tammy said, I gotta try to think positively till I talk to her.

I was thinking about a fellow writer/follower/friend who has been having lung issues. The doctors are still stumped. Sometimes I wonder if no news is better than bad news. I’m afraid that’s what I’ll get when I see my own doctor. The ingrown toenail is pretty straightforward, but other things? Not that all doctors are quacks but it seems a lot of them don’t know what the hell’s going on with their patients, and I worry about that at times. “I don’t know why you can’t lose more than 5 pounds on a sensible diet with exercise, Ms. S., or why you have to damn near starve yourself to lose more than that, and I don’t know why it all comes flying back as soon as you go back to eating SENSIBLY. Come back in some other life and maybe then I can tell you. Meanwhile, be glad you don’t mind looking like shit and have finally managed to stop gaining anymore and blowing your ass up wide enough to smother a whole army of people at once.”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 2014 Can’t imagine trying to cram the 12 rolls of paper towels we got at Sam’s Club into the little old trailer that’s no doubt had numerous problems just in the nearly half a year we’ve been out of it. I’d also hate to think of just how many annoying outdoor projects Jesse, who lives for puttering around outdoors, has done by now. Either way, we won’t be buying paper towels till early 2015 and we still have a roll or two left from the last 6-pack we got.

I just wish that every time we went to Sam’s it wasn’t full of screaming kids. When are parents ever going to go back to the days of teaching their kids manners, respect and discipline? I totally dread all the screaming we’ll no doubt be in for on the plane, even in first class. Thank goodness for earbuds, though sometimes they’re loud enough to override even the loudest songs.

Speaking of things that are loud, the dog in back is the loudest one around here for sure. That’s why I thought it was next door. Where the hell did it come from all of a sudden? Gee, we must be between the 4-6-month marker where things get noisier for some strange reason. It’s not a real problem, though, so long as I don’t have to hear it more than once or twice a day. I am a little worried about open windows on that side of the house in warmer weather. If you leave a dog in an open window around here, not even 10 minutes will pass without something for it to bark at. Lots of traffic. Lots of people.

The landscaping, however, has dropped from being a daily thing now that the leaves are down on the trees that lose them, to the usual 2-3 times a week for 30-60 minutes.

Heard tons of firecrackers and some gunshots on New Year’s Eve, but none of it was in the park. It was coming from outside the park. Tom was asleep, but in my robe and slippers, I excitedly slipped out into the carport and then down the driveway to see if I could see anything. I saw flashes of light in the direction of the cemetery, but nothing else. Then I started shaking with tears like a little kid as I thought of Paula and the awful dream I had of her.

“It’s freezing out here,” I eventually thought to myself. “Get inside. This is the Sacramento area, not San Diego.”

I totally forgot, until Andy reminded me, that I also dreamed he told me he was dying of cancer and he’s fine, so that’s a good sign, too. More than likely the dream simply represents a rocky road ahead for her. Tom later pointed out that I didn’t attend her funeral in the dream. Now that we’ve fixed the MagicJack phone (it was plugged into a hub without enough juice to power it), I’ll try to call her later this morning and see what information I can get.

I’m a little disturbed by the fact that there’s a 4 in this year, as the number 4 has proven to be rather unlucky for me. Although… the years 2000, 2007, and 2011 were just as shitty, if not shittier than 2004 was.

I’ve also lived enough decades to say for sure that the first 2-3 years of each decade is significantly worse than the rest of it.

Uh-oh, just noticed another potential pattern of a scary kind. Our worst years were 2000, 2004, 2007 and 2011. 2004 is 4 years later than 2000. 2007 is 3 years later than 2004. 2011 is 4 years later than 2007. If we keep alternating 4…3…4…3… then 3 years after 2011 is… ugh! Nooooo!!!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – damn the bastard above for siccing this sleep disorder on me! If He truly is the reason for what we are and for how we are, damn Him. Just damn Him to hell and back, though no, I’m not going to get into detail. I’m not in the mood of being accused of making excuses when in fact I don’t make “excuses.” Not at 48. As a minor under 18 when others had the power and authority to use the truth against me – you bet – but now I just tell it like it is. All I’ll say is that it’s going to be tough lining things up for my appointment on the 14th. A few days of lost sleep won’t kill me, though. It’s doing it day after day, week after week, month after month that my aging body can’t take. It was hard on me when I was young, but there’s no comparison between 25 ago and now, like it or not. It’s like comparing the effects of dieting then versus now. I could lose large amounts then. Now I’m lucky if I can lose more than 5 pounds.

Oh, that reminds me. I’ve been asked what I’m doing to maintain my weight. I work out at least a half-hour every other day and I only eat when I’m hungry. No eating just to be eating.

We are going to go ahead and take advantage of the fact that we get something like 15 days a year of rain here and let most of the plants die off. Might keep one of the rose bushes and the beautiful pink camellia tree which is blooming nicely now. Fewer plants means less work and less watering.

Sugar now has his own Skype account. LOL We’re going to install cameras indoors for two reasons. One is for the very slim chance this house is broken into while we’re gone, and two is so we can call the rats once a day and “see” how they’re doing and let them hear our voices so they don’t feel so alone or like we’ve abandoned them forever. Haha, when we get back that Sugar rat is going to be all over me like crazy. Somebody just grabbed my ankle. Romeo? Nah, he’d have bitten me. That rat’s obsessed with biting.

I asked Alison to quiz Kim on whether or not she knew of my “secret” blogs. She says Kim swears she doesn’t know where I’m blogging these days; just that she knows I’m on Blogger and MO but is staying away so she doesn’t get in trouble. Well, MO’s gone, but as Aly said, she could totally know the links but isn’t saying so. Yeah, that’s why I won’t be friends with her. Because everything that comes out of her mouth is hit or miss as far as whether or not it’s true.

Molly hasn’t tried to view my blogs, but IS allowed online. She tweeted Happy New Year to Aly, even though Aly changed names there. Did she discover the account on her own or was Aly dumb enough to give it to her? Aly swears that even though she still gets emails from Molly, she’s not reading them. Even Aly’s not totally trustworthy, though. She’s not the liar the other two are, but if she’s gone back to contacting Molly she’s not going to tell me about it, knowing how much I’ll tell her she’ll regret it and is making a huge mistake. Chances are Molly dug it up on her own. That’s what stalkers do.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2014 Age: 48

Martin Luther King had a dream. So did I. Only mine’s the one I hope to hell that, unlike his, doesn’t come true.

I don’t know why, but New Year’s Eve is a hot spot for psychics of various kinds. For some reason, we tend to get a glimpse of what lies ahead at this time, be it in our dreams or when we’re awake. But the “psychic window” didn’t open much for me the last few years and so I didn’t really think it would this year either.

Knowing the unknown has been a habit of mine for most of my life. It starts with that little feeling that says something wrong, which we’re all programmed with. Then around the time I quit smoking in my early 30s (coincidence?), it flourished into much more than just basic intuitiveness, mostly by way of dream premonitions of a negative kind. Almost all my negative dreams come true, sometimes even to a tee. I learned how to read various dreams and weed out the “spam” from potential signs/warnings in time. It was cool at first but by my 40s cool had turned to creepy.

I made the comment to Tom about how I’d probably be asleep this year, so I doubt I’d “see” anything while awake at least at midnight Eastern time. He said maybe the “dream people” would show me something about what’s coming up in the year ahead.

Oh, they showed me all right, in the form of a double nightmare involving suicide and death. Again, I wasn’t expecting anything unusual and figured the dream people were simply dormant and lying in wait for the next rough patch of life we go through since they prefer to be the bearer of bad news as opposed to good. Only none of it had anything to do with us and as selfish as it may sound, I am thankful for that much.

Unless my new gel and memory foam pillow I got at Sam’s Club is just hexed, barely two hours into my sleep I had the first nightmare. It involved a young girl I didn’t know that hung herself. My mother might’ve been one of the 5 or 6 people that knew her and discovered her. The girl, in her early 20s, hung from a rafter in a loft and landed sort of in a sitting position at the edge of it. We gazed up at her from down below. She was about 10’ up and there was this ramp-like ladder leading up to her. For some reason, everyone was more concerned with the small square pillow by her side than with the girl. They just had to have that pillow for some reason, but no one would dare get near her.

“It’s just a dead body,” I said. “I’ll climb up and get the damn pillow.” So I got on all fours and shimmied up the ramp/ladder. I was a few yards from the girl and pillow when the rope around her neck snapped, causing the body to flop back and then start rolling toward me. I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

I woke up sweating and had to turn the fan on. Since I don’t know who that was in that nightmare, I can’t say for sure what it means. Maybe some trouble ahead for an acquaintance? Maybe they won’t kill themselves, but maybe they’re still in for tough times.

It was the second dream that was critical because it’s not only the second time I’ve had a dream like this, but it’s about someone I do know very well, my friend Paula. She’s 46 and has been on disability all her life cuz the poor girl has the mentality of an 8-year-old. She’s the type that might be afraid to see a doctor for fear of it causing the FBI to steal her bathmat or something like that. It’s a wonder she can even drive.

In the letter I just got from her she says she’s sick again but will beat it, she said to make sure I send her a Hawaiian postcard from California so she “knows” she’ll get it. Yeah, that’s just Paula for you, LOL.

In real life, she told me she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was going to undergo a hysterectomy. So when I had the first dream of her dying, I figured that’s all it was about and that she would be okay. I don’t know if she ever really did get the hysterectomy done, but I find it hard to believe that last night’s nightmare is just a reflection of my concern for her. It’s got to mean something. I’ve had numerous dreams and visions pertaining to her and I’ve never been wrong yet.

Anyway, I went to visit her in the dream and although I was shy about it and chose my words as carefully as I could, not wanting to put her on the spot but curious just the same, I asked if she’d be okay. A dubious expression crossed her face and she said, “Oh, no, this is a solid mass.”

Her phone then rang and clearly, she didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so I walked out of her apartment and closed the door, which had been open. I realized Tom was standing outside in the hall and had heard the whole thing. We walked silently for a few seconds, then he asked, “Do you really think she…”

“Yeah, I do, Tom,” I said before I woke up, wondering if her condition is a lot more serious than even she realizes. I’ve had death dreams pertaining to my sister and another friend yet they lived even though it wasn’t without a serious fight. But this is the second dream, and again, Paula’s not very bright and her insurance is probably a joke. Hopefully, at worst this just means she’s got a very rocky road ahead of her, though it’s got to mean something. It’s got to. I don’t “reflect” in dreams. I “see.”

Good news, Mr. King. Most people like blacks. I wish my own dreams weren’t as apt to be granted as yours was.

Later…

To back up to when Bob noticed we’d left the water on, I later went out to see if things had dried up. We’re going to turn the water off to the whole house when we leave for Hawaii. That way we don’t have to worry if a pipe bursts or anything. Like what apparently happened yesterday. I’m surprised we went this many months without a park pipe bursting, but I could tell by the way the pipes farted when I got up and peed that there had been another outage.

Like most people, the people next door are in and out a few times a day. This time the SUV was gone and Virginia wasn’t around, so she was obviously out somewhere. Bob was doing something in the garage. The garage is actually pretty empty, so he definitely doesn’t have any workshop set up in there, thank goodness.

I casually asked him if anyone had gotten a dog around here to see what he’d say, but he just shrugged. Then the next day when we were heading for Sam’s Club, Tom said he saw the dog I’ve been hearing in one of the houses behind us. At first he thought the dog was loose and thought that was weird in a retirement park of all places. It was taking a leak on a small strip of grass alongside the house and he next saw someone waiting at the door. I’ve only heard it a few times so far, but I really hope that thing isn’t going off at open windows in back come spring. This is an amazingly active park so it would have plenty to go off about. We were surprised just how many people were out walking yesterday and it was cold. We both wore our jackets to the store.

Anyway, the nightmares I had left me tired so I took a nap a while ago. That fucking loud-ass car or truck or whatever the hell it is that delivers the paper just had to wake me up, of course, because I drifted off without putting the sound machine on. If it weren’t for that I’d hear everything. Vehicles, planes, helicopters, sirens, people, dogs, and just about every sound imaginable. Still, no vehicle that insanely loud should be allowed to cruise around here at 5am! How do people sleep through it?

We hit Sam’s Club at 10am and like I said in my last entry, I got a new gel/memory foam pillow as mine, which I had for 8 or 9 years, finally started to really lose its shape. We also got a memory foam bathmat to replace the old one in the second bath. I don’t think I’d like memory foam padding under our future carpet. They do make it, though.

I wear bifocals in public so I can see both near and far, and being out and seeing just how much my eyes have worsened over the last year was a sad reminder of how I should’ve upgraded my prescription before the damn trip to Hawaii. So now the vast expanses of the Pacific will be a bit blurry. It just sucks that I have to travel with the damn things at all. The last time we went on vacation 7 years ago I only needed reading glasses.

[mrzeecon]

Am I Relatable?

A couple of days ago, one of my friends told me something that has been echoing in my mind ever since. It wasn’t an insult, but it wasn’t exactly a compliment either. He said, “You’re not relatable. The stuff you post online just doesn’t speak to me.”

At first, I brushed it off. But like all comments that hit close to home, it gnawed at me slowly. Am I really not relatable? I started to question myself. I’ve always shared my thoughts openly, especially about my personal struggles, the demons I battle day in and day out. I post about feeling more lost as I grow older, about how I often feel like I’m floating through life without a clear direction. I talk about the unease that comes with age—the pressure to have it all figured out, the nagging feeling that time is slipping away while I’m still grasping for answers.

So how could I not be relatable? Surely, I can’t be the only one going through this, right?

When I started posting, I wasn’t doing it for validation. I wasn’t aiming for likes, shares, or followers. It was my outlet, a way to sort through the mental chaos. My content was raw, unfiltered. There was no grand strategy behind it. I wasn’t trying to sell a lifestyle or push an agenda. It was just me, throwing my thoughts out into the void of the internet, hoping maybe someone out there would understand.

What came as a shock was that people did understand. Slowly but surely, I started to gain followers. I remember the first time I noticed the number ticking up. Ten followers, twenty, then a hundred. That feeling of being lost that I had assumed was mine alone? It turns out that it resonated with a lot of people. People who, like me, feel the weight of the world pressing down on their shoulders. People who wake up every day with the same question I ask myself—Am I doing enough? Am I where I’m supposed to be?

Before I knew it, my little corner of the internet grew. What started with zero followers has now grown to over 4,000 and counting. Each new follower, each new comment, makes me pause. Who are these people who choose to follow me? Why do they listen to what I have to say? After all, I’m just another person fumbling through life, trying to make sense of things as I go. And then it hit me: they follow me because they see themselves in my words. They’re not looking for a guru with all the answers. They’re not expecting me to have it all figured out. They’re here because, like me, they’re searching. They’re fighting their own battles, and they find comfort in knowing that they’re not alone.

I think we all get caught up in the idea that being “relatable” means you have to be universally understood, that your story needs to resonate with everyone. But the truth is, not everyone will relate to me—and that’s okay. Because the people who do? They’re the ones who matter. The ones who read my posts and feel like they’re reading a page from their own life. They’re the ones who remind me why I started this journey in the first place.

My friend might not find my content relatable, and maybe that’s because his journey is different from mine. Maybe he’s in a different headspace, walking a different path. But that doesn’t mean I’m not relatable to someone else. It doesn’t mean that my story doesn’t matter.

The people who follow me—my 4,000 and growing—they are my people. They are the ones who get it. They are the ones who are on this same journey with me, fighting the same devils, questioning the same things. We’re in this together.

What started as a personal outlet has transformed into something much bigger. Every time I share a post about feeling lost, about struggling to find direction, someone out there connects with it. Someone reads those words and feels a little less alone. I think that’s what makes this so special. It’s not just about me anymore. It’s about all of us—the ones who feel like they don’t have it figured out, the ones who wrestle with doubt, the ones who fight every day just to keep going.

Together, we form a community. A network of souls who, despite feeling like we’re walking separate paths, are all heading in the same direction. We’re all searching for meaning, for purpose, for something to hold onto in this chaotic, unpredictable life.

The more I reflect on this, the more I realize that being “relatable” isn’t about fitting into a mold or appealing to the masses. It’s about authenticity. It’s about being real. It’s about sharing your truth, no matter how messy or uncertain it may be, and trusting that somewhere out there, someone will hear it and say, “Me too.”

This is the story of Mr. Zeecon. It’s the story of how I went from zero followers to over 4,000 by simply being myself, by sharing the darkest parts of my mind and the uncertainties of my life. It’s a story that’s still unfolding, and it’s not just my story anymore—it’s our story. It belongs to every person who’s followed me, who’s read my posts, who’s found a piece of themselves in my words.

And as long as we have each other, we’ll keep going. We’ll keep sharing, keep growing, and keep pushing forward. The demons we face may be strong, but together, we’re stronger. This is Mr. Zeecon, not just in the making of a great story, but in the making of a shared journey—a journey that’s only just beginning.

To my 4,000 and counting: Thank you for being here. Thank you for seeing me, for understanding me, and for reminding me that even in my darkest moments, I am not alone. We are not alone.

We will continue to grow, we will continue to fight, and together, we will conquer whatever demons come our way. This is our story. Let’s make it great.

[ask-sister-solaris]

You said you wanted asks to distract you so do you mind if I ramble about small details that annoyed me about Ghostbusters Afterlife? (Mostly nitpicks about the setting)

4. Spinners,I know it's easier to make up a fake brand than to pay to have a real brand be in a movie but its clearly a stand in for Sonic (the fast food place,not the hedgehog lol) or a sonic copycat (dosent annoy me that much)

3. The fact the locals call it middle school instead of junior high when it's an old small town in the south (from my personal experience visiting family most folks still call middle school "junior high",usually older folks. Again tho not that bad)

2. None of the main (or main-ish) characters we meet have southern accents (I know it's probably so people can understand what they're saying,or they didn't feel it needed to be included) but it bugs me that characters that (as far as we know) grew up in Summerville thier whole lives don't have at least a twinge of an accent when compared to other locals like the hardware store guy (annoys me somewhat for inconsistency,especially cause even in frozen empire where there SHOULD be a noticeable difference in accents,they're isnt)

1. THE DIRT!!! The dirt in places like Oklahoma is usually bright red,not brown...this is due to large amounts of iron oxide in the soil (wich is good for farming) I've heard some dirt in the state is brown but most that I've seen is red (annoys me alot,I can understand why they didn't film in Oklahoma,but the dirt and mine being important to the story and them not being accurate bugs me)

(Now some nice things to clean the pallet)

Muncher is adorable,and I hope we see them again

I like Luckys name,it sounds cool and I hope we see more of the dynamic between characters like we did in Afterlife

I hope we see more of Ecto-1 (we saw it briefly in Frozen Empire but I'd like to see more of it)

I liked all the references,I like the little nods to other Ghostbusters stuff

I like that a pattern was established for Vinz Clortho,Zuul,and Gozer

And in Frozen Empire,I like that it's possibly implied Pheobe punched Peck aka dickless she really is Egons granddaughter

And in both Afterlife and Frozen Empire I like that Pheobe is skilled with a proton pack (especially since in GBII Egon says its not a toy,I think it's hilarious)

Also hope we see more of Trevor

(Hope this is enough of a distraction and isn't too long and annoying)

Does anything in the Ghostbusters franchise stand out to you? (Good or bad)

Thank you for this. Don’t worry it’s not to long

While yes a few things stand out, like how Phoebe trusted Melody a little to quickly, whereas Egon wouldn’t have (know they aren’t the same but still).

In general I just don’t like how Phoebe trusted Melody a little to quickly. It felt kinda rushed. Now don’t get me wrong, I know a movie couldn’t be that long for them to form a bond, and it had to be rushed because of the evil ice god and whatnot but yk.

I would have like to maybe see a little but more of Melody and Phoebe.

It may be this striking a cord within me, but the anger in Callie’s voice toward Phoebe without letting Phoebe actually explain or defend herself angered me so much

[elidokie]

i’m so scared that i’m faking being happy but at the same time i know i’m not because happiness is a choice (and also not a destination) and i choose it every day.

even though right now i have to urge to go, i know it’s all temporary. i keep imagining myself. when i die, all my stuff will go to Mar. even my 3DS, and even my copy of soul silver.

yikes. i hate feeling like this. i feel so icky and gross whenever i do. cmon eli! this isn’t you! you’re supposed to be happy and full of joy on the time! think of all the tender mercies! you fucked up bad yesterday, and God still let you get another chance! mom made breakfast! dad went out to buy us a drink at the new gas station they built down the road! and Mar is in the living room waiting for us to go outside and tell her about the new book we are reading!

cmon! think of how much you love being alive! because you do.

i have a hard time accepting the bad feelings as feelings of my own. my brain is so frustrating sometimes. it feels like it’s not mine.

i miss being little. i miss being 14. my parents were mean, and i didn’t have any friends, and i had the ugliest hair cut in the world — but i was 14 and i played my favorite video game for the first time, and all Mar n I had to worry about was our stupid Government class that we were taking for college credit.

Mom was really happy when we told her that we got accepted into the dual enrollment program, even though she didn’t understand that dual enrollment was for the students that were smart enough to be looked at as a waste. It’s a school in south Texas, with only 15% of the students actually going on to get a degree after graduation. Even if it was only for the numbers, it really did help out.

I didn’t think I was going to go to college. I get frustrated when people say that a Bachelors is the same as a HS Diploma. I didn’t decide I was going to college until my junior year. At most, I thought I was going to just finish off whatever I had left of classes at the community college I was already attending during high school. But then during the state exams, Mr Austin looked at Mr Sowell and went, “You are looking at the two brightest minds of the 21st century.” (referring to me and Mar), and even though it’s not true, because I’m just a 19 year old girl, it still gave me a sense of hope.

Mom never went to middle school (secondary school I guess) and has a 5th grade education. I do everything for her. We told her about World War 2. It’s crazy that she doesn’t know anything about it. Then we tried telling her about outer space, she doesn’t know much, but she knows about planets! we told her that there is a myriad of planets, and we told her what galaxies are, and how galaxies can collide, and how stars can die beneath their own weight.

i feel like that sometimes.

she says it’s too late for her, but i don’t think so. i’ve been trying to teach her english, but she doesn’t care to learn. she can order at the drive thru by herself and she can have a conversation with Bailey’s parents. that’s enough.

dad first told me he loved me during graduation. he hugged me too. i miss the feeling of dad being proud of me like that. i know moms always proud of me, but it’s in a different way.

i like seeing dads face light up. i hate the stigma that i have to take care of my parents once they get older, or that children of immigrants live for their parents, but it’s so true. dad always looked so happy after i performed.

when i passed my drivers test (after going to the DMV like 4 times) he hugged me and was like “i’m so proud of you!” and i think about that a lot. i told him how i was planning on going to UT (my literal dream school and i’m so glad to God that i even got accepted) for aerospace engineering. and he was so happy. then i ended up “following my dream” and going to liberal liberal arts school in Texas for fucking ENGLISH. and he still was so happy. i cried when they dropped me off at my dorm, and i still cry thinking about it.

andrew was so right when he said that moving away from your parents for college is some white people shit. i’m still grateful to the universe for the experience though.

when i came back home during the winter break, i think he could tell that my depression was coming back. maybe that’s why he was so supportive about me dropping out. i had 4 days left until i had to move back to Denton when i had decided to withdraw. fuck, i was so scared. i remember asking him over and over what he thought i should do, and he just went “whatever you want mija, it’s your life not mine” until i ended up actually withdrawing. i know that he knew i was scared.

the next day he took me to dallas to pick up my stuff. a 6 hour drive, 2 hours to pack, 6 hours back — and he didn’t complain. i was so miserable the whole spring, which sucks because it’s my favorite season.

we would take Mar to class 2x a week (Mar can’t drive, she’s too scared to, so dad would take her and i would tag along) and then sit in the Circle K parking lot for two hours until her Latin class was over (the drive to her uni was 45 minutes, so it made more sense to just wait there). He’d buy me an horchata and a hot dog, he was always like “these are good today!” and i would agree, i never told him that i don’t like hot dogs, but it’s okay because i think he was always trying to convince himself / trying to make me feel better about not being in school.

sometimes we would go to Taco Bell, or to Costco. it was always the same thing. me being miserable about having to be at a uni i don’t attend, and him trying to make me feel better without knowing how. i’m grateful though.

i told them i was going back to school in fall. they never asked me about it. that’s the only thing i’m jealous of white people for, that their parents know how to do all the college stuff. they wouldn’t check up on if i was caught up in the paperwork, or if i had talked to the school, or if i did my financial aid — they just assumed that i would do it on my own. and i did do it on my own, because i knew that they wouldn’t know how to help me.

i pushed myself.

after finally doing all the stuff for the school here, and finally setting up my classes and everything (thank god), i told dad how i was thinking of switching my major. i told him i was gonna switch to architecture. his only response was “that sounds like a reliable degree!”

i always switched up what i wanted because i want multiple things. but the one thing that i know for a fact i want, is to write. so he was still as happy when i told him that i was going to keep doing english, but i’m dropping the education courses. im switching to creative writing.

then we talked about grad school for a bit and i told him that i was planning on going to Utah or Minnesota near Juni. i think he’s more supportive of Utah, just because it’s closer to Cali. Mar is going to Cali for law, she takes all her law exam shits later this school year, and then is probably going to talk to grandma about moving in to the little studio in the back. grandma is obviously going to say yes.

dad also didn’t care that i stopped working. i mean, i know a part of did, but he never said anything. i like to think that i did a good job hiding how i was doing mentally, but every week dad would ask if i wanted to get a slushee from Sonic, which i know is his way of trying to make me feel better.

i stopped with the TEFL program i was doing. i know i’ll pick it up sometime later. right now i have to worry about getting an internship, grad school, applying for the study abroad program, and this upcoming semester. the fact that i’m graduating next winter feels like a sin. i just started college. maybe i should be more appreciative of the fact that i’m finishing early early.

also getting a job. but i have confidence that God has something better for me planned. i have enough money to pay for my car bill next month, and just barely enough for the one after that (i might have to ask dad to help a bit). the only reason i feel bad leaving the school in dallas, is because i was on a full scholarship. i think my parents paid like $1000 the whole semester and that was for the room i was staying in.

i don’t expect mom and dad to pay for this semester, especially since it was my choice to move back home. so i know i have to pay for it on my own. i’m okay with working 24/7 if it means they don’t have to worry about it. but, i know how dad is. he’d go into debt if it means i get to go to college.

Mar and i are on our own for grad school though, they made that VERY clear LMAO. i might check out that women’s only university that Ms. Burger told me about. she got her M.F.A there and said she loved it. she was a crazy woman, talking about how she lived in London, how she’s okay with being 57 and single because she has her dog, how she wrote her thesis on Little Women.

anyways, i feel like i’ve written enough. even though nobody reads this. it’s like i’m bothering my future self for whenever i do reread this. i talk a lot. i only really took notice of it because of how often i keep YAPPING to 26y/o. he said he doesn’t mind, but i’m scared that he does. because why would he want to hear some stupid 19 year old vent about stupid shit. either way i’m appreciative of it.

yesterday we played fortnite. he’s really good lmao. we won most of our games! it was really funny. the dynamic of our relationship is really funny. there’s like a 7 year (about to be 6!!) age gap between us which for the most part doesn’t really matter. but he’s experienced so many more things than me, and it’s very obvious at times. like when i talk about uni and my future, and then i realize that this mf already has his shit figured out. like, he’s GROWN. it’s really funny though. i made this grown man play fortnite with me. and it was fun!

ugh, i said i was gonna stop this text post but i always have to much to say. i miss juni. so so so very much. he’s literally my soul partner. i dream that im at his house sometimes. in the living room, i’m laying sideways on the couch and he’s laying on the recliner. his parents in the kitchen making dinner. his younger sister in her room playing roblox. i always feel at home when i’m there, as strange as it sounds. i’m eternally grateful that his family accepted me so easily. and that his mom loves me. it’s july there too.

i miss mn. i’m not going to be going there anytime soon, because juni is coming here in september. so i probably wont be there until december. which sucks because it means that i’m going to have to get a new job. since i’m taking 2 weeks to go to mexico, 1 for mn, and then 1 to go to georgia to visit Cav. so that’s like, the whole month! i’ll stress about it later.

none of these things are permanent so why stress? im just 19 (ugh i’m gonna keep saying this even after im 20.).

20 is so close and its scary. i feel like a baby. my dad still has to drive me around the city, and mom still eats dinner with me.

i think mom knows that my eating is getting worse again. she’s not very (i forgot the word but it has the same meaning as “slick with it”), as she’s always calls me during her lunch break to go “oh what did you eat for breakfast?”

that’s the only reason i have lunch with her sometimes. to ease her worries i guess. juni is more normal about it, he ask “did you eat?” like once every few days. i’m glad he’s like that but it also upsets me. i don’t think he understands my mental health issues, or my issues in general. he told me he didn’t care to learn about it because i’m a human and not an animal. which i understand. but also like, this is a part of me that isn’t going away.

i feel like we are at two different places sometimes. which is crazy because of how close we are, literal soul ties. i’ve known him all my life.

anyways. i think i’ll end this here. i’m sorry if there are any typos or inconsistencies in my writing here. i use this as a diary, i guess. i graduated with a 4.3 and got so many scholarships to write (because woo! there’s a lack of representation when it comes to latin authors getting published in the US! especially women!) so how jarring would it be for me to say that i never paid attention during english class. i don’t know what a preposition is, i don’t know how to properly structure sentences sometimes, but that’s okay!

i lied again. i did pay attention to english class. i just forgot almost everything i learned.

i’m getting hungry. i think i’m gonna get boba later. anyways. goodbye, i love you.

[lemonlyman-dotcom]

Lola, I hope you don’t mind me responding here, but as a newer/less popular writer who was not included in the original list I think I’m in a position to offer some perspective. I can see both sides here.

I feel you, anon, I promise you I do. I 100% agree on the point of feeling like an outsider looking in. I have never been on a rec list (I think one of my fics was included in Fic Rec Friday once), I am not proud to say I’ve sat here and cried a little when a fic I posted went unnoticed while some of my mutuals reblogged other (more popular writers) fics and I wondered what was wrong with mine, I’ve had conversations with some trusted friends on here asking what I’m doing wrong and how do I get my stuff read, their answers ranged from “🤷” to “hope that a popular blog notices you and reblogs.” It absolutely feels like a popularity contest in this fandom sometimes, and it hurts to be shut out. I know.

But, that is not any one person’s fault. I have felt hurt and left out at times too, but I think we need to give Lola some grace here. She cannot read every single fic in this fandom, it’s not possible. She was asked a question and she answered, and she ended the post with an open call for people to add more recommendations. I don’t know what else we should have expected her to do.

I think the fandom as a whole needs to be more aware of how we set up certain people/blogs as popular or the voice of the fandom. We all can be better about hyping each other up and rec’ing each other’s work.

I was feeling pretty down after one of my fics “flopped,” I was feeling like a shit writer and a fandom outsider. But then I reminded myself of why I joined tumblr in the first place. Because I’d been reading all these amazing fics for the last year or so, and I wanted a platform to scream about how much I loved them, and to tell other people to go read them and shower the writers with the love they deserve. So I’ve started being more intentional in a) my ao3 commenting b) reblogging fics I love after I read them, even if it’s an older one and c) sending dms to authors I love making sure they know how much I loved their story and d) trying to rec smaller/newer/less popular writers. I do a monthly fic rec post where I specifically aim to center less-popular writers. Again, I can’t read everything and there are some topics I avoid (parental death/grief is hard for me, I’m not huge on smut/kink…), but I try so damn hard to be inclusive.

And you know what? My fandom experience has been so much more fun recently! So, if there’s a fic you wanna see reblogged or an author you want to get more recognition go scream from the rooftops. Send me a DM I love to rec writers and fics. Let’s all make a more conscious effort to make this fandom more inclusive and a more encouraging place to be.

I have considered sending you this message for a while, and seeing as anonymous asks are off, I have made a different blog because I am uncomfortable with using my actual blog. You have an audience and they are loyal to you and adore you, I will not be able to mentally handle the back lash that could follow from disagreeing with you.

I have followed you, enjoyed your fic, and your posts but I can not agree with the list or the response to it. I have seen you mention before about people who have blocked you and how you can not tag them. That is valid but I think you are under the impression that those who have you blocked are the ones who are upset about the list.

That's not true, at least not in my case or the case of others that I have talked with.

I understand what you were trying to do but I think it was done in a poor way. I commend you for trying to put together a list - it's a hard thing to do in a fandom space - but the problem is, you listed the same people almost everyone lists when asked that question. The "popular" blogs. The "big" blogs. The "known" blogs. The blogs that everyone talks about. The blogs that get hundreds of notes, kudos, and thousands of hits. I think I saw a few smaller ones in there, but again, they were people that you seemed to interact with.

The smaller blogs were left out. Newer writers were left out. The list, to me and my friends, felt like a "who's who" in fandom and who was deemed "worthy" enough - note that those people on the list are worthy of being followed and having their stories read, but it felt like an inclusive list with a limited invitation.

I have my own thoughts of how I would handle getting an ask like that, but it's not my place to tell you how to run your blog. Instead, I'm presenting you with my side and why I found it to be hurtful.

I understand that you can not put everyone on a list, but maybe there should not be a list at all. I feel it's different to make a fan fiction rec list, but when it comes to recommending blogs I feel like it is a way to leave people out and make them feel like they are not good enough to be in fandom.

It does not, in my opinion, make me feel like this is a community. Instead, it makes me feel like I am on the outside looking in.

Firstly, I want to (very sincerely - this is not sarcasm) thank you for sending this ask. I think accountability is important, and I'm not afraid to have real discussions with people who are sincere in their approach - which I interpreted this ask to be. So again, thank you.

I won't say 'sorry you felt that way' because that's not a real apology. Instead, I want to offer a sincere apology to any harm I have caused anyone by making a rec list post. It actually pains me to think that some people felt that they were not welcome in the fandom because of that post, because that is the exact opposite of the community I hope fandom can be.

I have reasons for why I made that post, which I hope EXPLAIN why I made it, but I understand that it does not EXCUSE the fact that the effect was that some people were upset. Please know it was not my intention, but of course intention does not matter. Effect is what matters. So, if you take anything away from this post, please take away that I offer my apologies to you and anyone else who was negatively affected by the post - I never want to make anyone feel bad about themselves or unwelcome.

Thank you for your feedback on the list situation - I've spoken to other people about this who have also offered honest feedback. I appreciate that. The reason I tagged blogs was because that's what the anon asked for. I tagged people who's content I enjoy and who I interact with, because that's what I know and engage with. I don't think it's really fair to recommend stuff I haven't read yet if it's a personal list. It wasn't intended to be a comment on who is worthy. My opinion is people should be free to read what they want to read and free to engage with those they want to engage with. There is no invitation required to my blog, you can ALWAYS recommend to me or interact with me, and I will take that on board and value it.

I'm sorry I didn't include a lot of new contributors. The sad truth is that I haven't had the time to engage with a lot of new content. Between my two (sometimes 3) fandoms, writing and betaing, I find it hard to keep on top of the ao3 tag. It's something I'm trying to do more, but I only have so many hours in a day.

I've said it once and I'll say it again - I really don't think of myself as an 'adored' person. I don't actually have that many followers. I've only been on tumblr for a little over 12 months. I've only been writing in Lone Star for a little over 18 months. I don't see myself as influential in the slightest, and it troubles me that people think that. I'm literally only here as a creative outlet, to scream about people's creations and talk to the friends I'm lucky enough to have made. I'm not here for any other purpose. I certainly don't intend to be a fandom mouthpiece or tell anyone else what they can and can't do.

Finally, I can assure you that after this ask and situation I won't be making any more lists. Truthfully, I'm really sad about that, because Fic Rec Friday was my baby and I was so happy to see people encouraging other people, but I'm not shy in saying that this experience has really affected how I see fandom as well.

I also think that (and please don't think I'm referring to you because I'm not - this ask is so genuine and I do appreciate it), certain elements of this situation have made me question whether I want to continue engaging in Lone Star as a fandom at all. It's not even intentional, it's just that creating for a fandom is hard when you keep having to turn your ask box off because it's filled with vitriolic and hateful anons.

I really appreciate you for reaching out, and I am grateful for your thoughts and feedback. Once again, I extend a genuine apology to you and anyone else who has been negatively affected or hurt by the list or by anything else I said in relation to that. If you want to speak further about it, I am open to DMs at any time.

[bubblegumfrosting]

Like A Sister

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Fem!Reader

Type: angst than fluff

Summary: Y/n has liked Sam for awhile but due to their age gap Sam only sees Y/n as a younger sister. One thing leads to another and results in Y/n making a tearful confession.

Warnings: Age gap (3 years), mentions of injuries, cursing, and Dean’s shenanigans

A/n: hi! this is the first fan fiction i’ve written in a long time! i hope you enjoy it and if you have any tips for writing please feel free to dm <33

POV: First Person

I met Sam Winchester my freshman year of college. Since childhood I never had any “real” friends. No matter how extroverted or kind I was to people they always found me annoying. I wasn’t expecting much going into college, I was use to being alone.

So like any outcast I found myself sitting alone at my first “real party”, that is until Sam’s girlfriend at that time Jessica waved me over. I was shocked to meet someone as kind as Jess, she welcomed me to Stanford with open arms. When she introduced me to Sam there was an instant connection. The three of us spent the whole night joking and getting tipsy (ignore my underage shenanigans).

I learned they were going into their senior year and Sam was planning on becoming a lawyer. Personally I never knew what I wanted to do in life, so my major was well undecided. After the party I stayed in touch with Jess and Sam. My college experience was honestly pretty good, everything seemed to be going well for me for once in my life.

In the middle of the school year Sam needed to go on a “hunting trip”. Because of his absence I got to sleep over at their dorm, which was much nicer than mine.

The night Sam returned I was far too tired to go back to my room so I just stayed over. That’s the night it happened, when my world changed. My best friend was on the ceiling in flames, I had to be dragged out by Sam’s older brother Dean because I refused to leave her. Sam mentioned going on a road trip after the accident and I told him I wanted to go. There was no longer anything left for me there at college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and how could someone go back into society after witnessing something so terrifying. It took a lot of convincing Sam and than Sam convincing Dean to let me come with them but eventually I got my way.

That year I learned the truth, the truth about what’s in the dark. I became a hunter, and a pretty good one might I add. Due to my age the brothers baby me all the time, I’ve never minded it, that is until Sam said I was like their little sister. Hearing him say that made my heart ache. I’ve liked Sam for a awhile, I never mentioned it because he was in a relationship and then well grieving the loss of that relationship. There was never a right time to “confess my feelings”. So here I am hopelessly devoted to someone who sees me as a child and also here I am using myself as bait to catch a blood thirsty vampire.

“Come on! I’m over here, I know you want a bite outta this!”, I yelled out into the empty ware house.

POV: 3rd Person

Sam was very much against the idea of using you as bait but since this vampire only went after girls he really didn’t have a choice did he?

“Dean, shouldn’t we be closer, you know if something goes wrong?”, Sam spoke while him and Dean hid behind a pillar machetes in hand.

“Dude calm your panties, your little girlfriend is going to be fine”, the eldest said smugly.

“Ew! Dean don’t say stuff like that, she’s like …like..my little sister!”, Sam scoffed.

“If you look at your siblings the way you look at her than I don’t think I’m comfortable being your brother Sammy.”, Dean pats his younger brothers back.

“Whatever, let’s focus okay.”, Sam ended the conversation and the two waited.

Sam couldn’t explain what he was feeling, he was confused by what Dean said but than again he knew his brother was right. Sam has always cared for you but these past few months his feelings grew. He found himself staring at you when you weren’t looking and constantly worrying about whether you were safe or not.

“God! Are you ever gonna come out or what you bitch!”, you screamed getting a little antsy.

Suddenly a man popped out from the dark and swiftly knocked you to the ground. You felt your head hit the cement and blood trickled down your face, “Who are you calling a bitch..bitch?”. The man revealed his razor sharp teeth and lunged on top of you.

“God, when was the last time you seen a dentist?”, you yelled.

“Dean now!”, Sam exclaimed and the two brothers sprinted towards the action. In an instant the once “alive” vampire was laying on top of you headless.

“I’m going to puke”, you pushed the body off yours and Sam helped you off the ground.

Sam had a worried expression on his face, “Hey hey hey, are you okay, does anything hurt? Did you hit your head? How many fingers am I holding up?“, he held up three fingers.

“Ten”, you said jokingly, “I’m okay Sam I promise, I definitely thought I was a goner though”.

“We thought about leaving you but Sam decided against it.”, Dean said wrapping an arm around your shoulders and the three of you walked out of the ware house.

When you arrived at the motel Sam insisted to check the cut on your head while Dean went out to get a beer.

“This needs stitches Y/n.”, he sighed and got out the first aid kit. “Sit on the bed.”.

“No please! I’m fine! I promise, I don’t need stitches”, you look into his eyes and pout. Sam turned his head away to hide the fact he was blushing.

“Sit, now.”, he said sternly and you did as you were told. He sat beside you and grabbed the belt laying on the bedside table. “It will be over in an instant, here bite down on this.”. You bit down and closed your eyes. The only thing you could taste was leather mixed with tears.

After what seemed to be a life time, the stitch work was done. Sam gently took the belt from your mouth and you opened your eyes. You wiped the tears from your face looked down, “No wonder you see me as a baby, I cry over a little cut.”.

“Who ever said I see you as a baby”, Sam questioned and you looked back up.

“You did genius, you said I was “like your little sister”.”, you got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom, Sam follows close behind.

“Well I guess it’s just because your so much younger than me and-“, Sam started.

You turned to face him, “Thanks for reminding me, it’s not like I think about it everyday! Think about how maybe if I was older-.”, you paused, “Never mind, sorry forget I said anything.”, you brush past him but he grabs your wrist and you turn back towards him.

“Maybe if you were older what?”, he asked as his eyes melted you under their gaze.

“Are you really going to make me do this?”, he looked at you with a pleading face. “Fine, I..I like you. Fuck! I don’t just like you Sam I love you.”, your eyes go blurry due to tears forming and you can’t even see what Sam’s expression was so you just kept talking. “I’ve always loved you and everyday I’m reminded that you could never feel the same way because I’m some stupid kid, some burden you have to worry about-“. Before you could finish Sam stepped towards you with urgency and cupped your face pulling you in to meet his lips with yours . After a couple seconds you both pulled away and he wiped your tears with his thumb.

“Never call yourself a burden Y/n, you are the most kindest, loving person I know and I’m sorry I didn’t know this sooner but I love you, I truly love you.”, you looked into his eyes and smiled as you pulled him in for another kiss.

“Finally god damn!”, Dean sat on the motel bed kicking off his shoes. Sam and you turned in shock to see him sitting there. “I’m so happy I won’t have to deal with the both of you eye fucking each other anymore.”.

“How long have you been here?!”, you exclaimed.

“I don’t know, like the whole time.”, Dean cheekily smiled and turned on the tv.

You looked back at Sam and smiled, “I never thought you’d feel the same way.”.

Sam brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, “Well I never thought Dean would be right about something but here we are.”, he placed a kiss on your forehead.

“Ay! I’m still here, stop the smooching!”, Dean said dramatically.

The three of you laughed, and everything was perfect.

[thenextdawn-temporarilyclosed]

Promises

Part two of Accepted

Word count: 1.9K

Summary: Wednesday’s family invites you to spend Christmas with them, and Wednesday doesn’t expect at all the gift you got for her.

Warnings: none

Pairing: Wednesday X Fem!Reader

This request has been done to me privately by the same person that made the requests for “Accepted”. I swear this person gives me the best ideas! I hope y’all like it🖤✨

———

After parents weekend, your relationship with Wednesday only got better and it was the same for the relationship with her parents. Whenever they’d call Wednesday through the crystal ball, they’d always make some time to talk to you as well. But recently you had been planning something for Christmas, given the fact that it was close now. One day you were in Wednesday’s room after having done your homework like everyday and you were sitting together on the bed. You wanted to say you were cuddling, but it wasn’t quite it. You just laid together in bed, facing each other and talking about random stuff. Wednesday still didn’t feel comfortable with cuddling and you didn’t mind, you would wait for her forever. However even if it wasn’t cuddling she still showed love with little gestures. She gave you her favorite hoodie, and you would catch her staring at your lips.

Today though was different, you were nervous and even though you tried to hide it, Wednesday could see right through you. “You’re acting weird” she told you as she sat up, eyeing you for signs of nervousness. You sat up as well. She knew you were trying to lie to her. “What? No, no definitely not” you chuckled, trying to shrug away your nervousness. “I’m just kind of nervous for the maths test” you made up, even though you knew she wouldn’t fall for it. “We don’t have a maths test” there it was. You knew she had discovered you were lying. “Right. Uhm…” you couldn’t made up anything else “just trust me Nes. I’m doing something but I can’t tell you what it is. I promise I’m not cheating if that’s what you’re afraid of” you said and you saw her pull away from you. “You better. If you break my heart I’ll make sure that you have nothing else to live for. I’m going to have a shower now” she said and you laughed slightly at her threat, you loved this side of her “I love you too Nes” you said smiling and she shot you a soft look before going to the bathroom.

You decided to take advantage of this moment to use Wednesday’s crystal ball and call Morticia. “Come on please answer be quick” you said, screaming internally at Morticia. Luckily she answered “hello my dear. What did you want to talk to me about?” With Thing’s help you had sent her a letter telling her that you had to tell her something and that you would call her tonight. “I want to get Wednesday a Christmas present and I need your permission to do so” you started and the older woman looked at you with a smile “sweetheart of course you can get her a Christmas present-“ you interrupted her shaking your head “it’s not a normal Christmas present” the smile disappeared from her face as she urged you to continue “it’s a ring. I want to buy her a promise ring” the woman looked at you astonished as she then called her husband to tell her everything, with a smile on her face.

“How do you wish to make it?” Gomez asked you “well first of all I’ll make two, one for me as well because there’s other people here who like her and they need to know she’s mine” of course Morticia would smile at the kind of possession you had over her “I want to make it in white gold… I’ve been saving lots of money for it and I’m sure she’ll like it. She already knows this, but it’s a promise I want to make to her.. that I’ll always be by her side no matter what happens.” Morticia was about to reply but you heard her coming and you ended the call, going back to her bed.

She came in her room wearing her black towel around her body, hair wet and down on her shoulders. “You’re so beautiful” you said admiring her beauty, even without make up. Suddenly you got an idea, hopefully Wednesday would like it “can I do your hair? Pretty please?” You said pouting. She looked at you indecisively as she sighed. “Fine. But put it in braids” she said “nooo please not the braids. Just trust me, you’ll look perfect” you said holding her free hand -since the other one was holding her towel- “let me go change first” you smiled as you jumped happily around the room waiting for Wednesday to change into her pyjama.

When she returned, she was wearing a black oversize t-shirt that dropped on one shoulder and left it naked (inside Nevermore there were pretty high temperatures so you could wear t-shirts even in winter). You invited her to sit on her bed in front of you, who in the meantime had taken the hair dryer and the brush. You sat behind her, starting to brush her wet hair as you sometimes kissed her naked shoulders. Seeing her shiver made you almost satisfied and even more in love with her, especially because she was letting you. You kept kissing her shoulders for a while and she had leaned slightly more into you. “You’re making me vulnerable (Y/N)” she said, her voice low and soft. “I know, and that’s why I’ll stop now” you said. You always respected her wishes and knew that she liked affection, but up until a certain point.

You stopped kissing her shoulder and she wanted to admit she now wanted more of it, but didn’t want to see needy, because Wednesday is not needy. You made her hair wavy and you didn’t tie them. Once she looked at herself in the mirror her eyes lit up and you could tell she loved the hair. She loved them so much that the next day at school she wore them down.

The following days you would go to town more than necessary. You told Wednesday you were going to se Doctor Kinbott but in reality you were buying presents for Wednesday’s entire family, since they had invited you to spend Christmas with them. You also went to a ring shop in town, and found the perfect couple of rings. It was in white gold and had spiral black stripes. It was the perfect ring for you and Wednesday. They costed a lot, but you spent the money you had for the love of your life.

When you and Wednesday arrived at their home, you were absolutely in love with their house. It was a huge mansion, all in black. The insides of it was too, so creepy but yet so elegant. Wednesday gave you time to look around as Lurch brought in the gifts you had made them, though you kept the ring in your pocket. Soon you two got to the living room and Morticia immediately went to you “(Y/N)! It’s so good to see you again… oh we missed you so much!” She said as she hugged you, you reciprocated the hug. “You literally talked through the crystal ball yesterday” Wednesday pointed out. You smiled at her and so did her mother, but didn’t comment on it. Thing also came fo say hi, as he also had been away for a while. “Hello there little fella.” He started gesturing at you. “You do know that I still can’t understand your finger language right?” You said, making everyone in the room laugh. “He’s saying he missed you” Pugsley said and you smiled “I missed you too”

You all continued having lunch and talking, until it was time for the presents. You started giving yours to pugsley, it was a bag full of different kinds of explosive he could fish with; then it was Gomez’s turn. You bought him a beautiful golden sword, a collection one. Then at last you gave Morticia her gift, a black carnivorous plant, which you knew was her favorite. Useless to say they all loved their gifts. “I’ll give you yours later Nes… it’s something private” you said and Morticia smiled at you knowing exactly what it was about.

Then it was the turn of the Addams family to give you your gift, and it was Wednesday giving it to you for the whole family. It was a silver bracelet. “It’s a symbol of the Addams family, this was my mothers… it signals a new member has joined the Addams family. Last time my father gave it to my mother and now it’s time for me to give it to you… do you accept it?” You smiled brightly and took it, immediately wearing it “of course I accept it!” You said looking at it. “Oh cariña, we’re so glad to have you in our family. If you ever need anything you know you can count on us.

After lunch Wednesday brought you to your room. Useless to say that her room was the prettiest in the entire house, and the house was so pretty too, but her room was just pretty, kind of like she was. You knew it was her writing our now, but you couldn’t wait any longer. You went behind her chair, gently turning her chair towards you as you knelt down in front of her “what is so important to disturb my writing time?” She asked you, pouting. She was still upset you hadn’t given her her present.

“Your Christmas present” you said and saw as her eyes lit up slightly. “Close your eyes” she looked at you confused, but she trusted you so she closed her eyes. This gave you time to take out the little ring box and open it for her to see. “You can open your eyes now” you said and you saw her oblige. As soon as she saw the box or rings she immediately took them to examine them “is this for me?” She asked as she took one in her hands, handling it very carefully. “Well, one is mine but yeah” you said and smiled looking how she looked between it and you, she was so in love with you but never admitted. Not that she didn’t want to, but because she never found a way to express her emotions.

“No one has ever bought this things for me” she said, trying to suppress a smile. You loved this side of her and you brought your hand up to caress her cheek lightly “well apparently you weren’t the love of their lives. I only bought this because you’re the love of my life Nes” you said and finally she let out the prettiest smile you have ever seen on her face. You gently took the ring from her hand and slid it in her ring finger, before doing the same yourself with your own finger. “I love you Nes” you said and she got up from your chair to hug you tightly.

From that day on she never took the ring of.

[f10werfae]

Hey lovey, i hope your well<3

Could you do a chris x shy! Reader who is like a little sister to him and they are at comic con for promoting ca;cw and the shy! is out of her depth and she basically panics because she’s insecure about what people have been saying about her body and stuff in general, so she shuts down, chris has seen this before so he has his ways of preventing her spiralling more so she goes back stage with him to go calm down with him and dodger ( because let’s be honest dodger would go everywhere with Chris if he could) and it’s just fluff 💖

This is totally cool if you don’t want to do this 💖

HEADCANON TIME!!

(Chris evans X Sister-like!Reader)

Chris Evans Masterlist✨^^

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

• Ever since you and Chris started working together on the set of infinity war, he had immediately taken you under his wing, giving you tips as to how to make life easier while living in a trailer. Something you were extremely grateful for as you are quite an introverted person towards people you don’t know and this is your first proper time being away from home

• Today I was on a panel for Captain America: Civil war, and to say I was nervous was a complete understatement. Thank God I was sat beside Chris during the panel, something I knew he had set up specifically knowing he was the cast member I was closest with (he was basically my older brother on set)

•Watching onto the panel, I heard cheers and felt so many eyes on me at once. Focusing my eyes on my chair I sat down, feeling Chris’ hand rub my back softly whispering an "are you alright?” in my ear before facing the front after seeing me nod

• All the cast members had gotten such inquisitive and complex questions about their characters. My excitement growing as my nerves slowly went away, I so wanted to hear the questions I was going to get. Scarjo the woman I looked up to on set had just answered a question about Black Widow's character development

• The same reporter then turned to me, “So Y/n, you've just turned 18 and you have landed this world leading role. Are you worried about how your body is going to change and how it’ll affect the character? Seeing as how one of the focuses of your character, regardless of the intention, is her body. Some sources say you’ve gained weight, lost weight and have even gotten surgery. Personally I myself do have some of these speculations. What is the truth?”

• “I-I uh” Embarrassment flushed my cheeks at his question, this is not what I was expecting at all, especially for my first comic con question and answer

• “That’s extremely inappropriate, you can’t ask a person that, never mind a developing young person. Shame on you” Chris answered bluntly, instantly e his mic onto the table, a loud echoing thud filling the room as everything went radio silent

•The rest of the conference went on as somewhat normal, the following questions asked to me were definitely more appropriate, I guess no one else wanted to feel Chris' wrath.

•After the con, I went back to my dressing room, the emotions I had kept in on stage slowly starting to fight their way out. My throat felt closed up, my eyes starting to fill with tears as my vision blurred.

• “Come on Y/n get yourself together” I told myself looking up to the ceiling, suddenly feeling a heavy weight bump onto my legs and jump onto me.

• “Aww Dodger buddy you’re here” I smiled bending down to let him climb all over me, licks to my face every second before Chris pulled him off with a wide smile on his face until his face fell when he saw mine,

• “You alright bugger?” He said also sitting onto the floor with us, his nickname for me still staying strong, something he thought off when the first time I talked to him I had asked him if he could kill a spider in my room for me. His first reaction being the same as mine, turns out we both hate spiders and we had to get Mackie to help me out

• “Jus didn’t like what he was sayin ya know? It hurt my feelings”

• “Of course it did, it was completely out of line and untrue. You are an amazing young lady, with so much potential and so much to give the world. Don’t let a few creep's words determine your worth or how you view yourself. You know if your parents were with us right now they’d be saying the same. Plus just know if we weren’t working, i'd have so given him a bit more than a talking to”

• “Thanks Chris, you’re the best brother from another mother” I said wiping my tears, his arms bringing me in for one of his famous bone crushing hugs, Dodger joining us of course

———

Taglist Tags( Form is here) : @seren-a-ity @patzammit @thereisa8ella @pandaxnienke @evanstanwhore @mrspeacem1nusone @itsaylayay1213

Full Masterlist:

[bakudekushimasimp]

Pairings: katsuki bagukouxy/nxkirishima

Warnings: 18+, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, threesome, vaginal sex, anal, DP, mild degradation, unprotected sex (wrap it, before you tap it), oral

Summary: you walk into their dorm while they’re comparing sizes 👀

*A/N: yes they are in a dorm but they are also aged up, however old reader thinks is appropriate for people to have sex at, I don’t see grown men comparing sizes so of course they’re still younger. (I’m thinking around 18) can be older! It’s all up to the reader!

Mina and you are walking down the hallway about to turn in for the night, discussing improving your quirks and how your internships have been going. Everyone was either already in their dorms, washing up, or chatting it up in the lounge area. You both pass by the boys restroom as Todoroki steps out in only a towel hanging on his hips. Mina, being the overly confident one, praises him for his fit figure and tells him she might need his ice quirk with how hot he’s made it in the hallway and it wasn’t because his fire quirk. Shouto’s cheeks turn a bright shade of pink as he slips past you two and crosses the hall to his dorm. You both continue walking as you both giggle at his cute reaction. Mina then decides to bring up the topic of who the cutest boy was in your class. You roll your eyes and look at Mina,

“Mina, we are not 13 anymore.” She only nudges you and laughs. “That doesn’t mean you haven’t thought of any of the guys being insanely attractive, or their quirk just interest you more than others..” You think about it as you watch your feet, and slow down your pace. Now that you thought about it you have been paying more attention to someone than usually. Not being able to take your eyes off them while training. Or in class. A blush creeps across your face and Mina shouts, “See! I knew you had a little crush on SOMEONE!” You jump and quickly tell her to quiet down. You did not want to draw attention to yourself. Before you can say anything Mina turns to you abruptly, “Y/n I totally forgot. Kirishima has my *insert subject* book from class he needed to borrow it to finish up some of his homework do you think you could grab it for me! I need it before tomorrow!” An image of Red Riot smiling flashes across your mind and you start to stutter, “I s-suppose.” She jumps a little and claps her hands. “Thank you y/n” she quickly gives you a hug, your now standing in front of her dorm room door. “I’m going to bed, but you can leave it outside my door I’ll grab it in the morning when I wake up!” You hesitantly smile, hoping that the boys weren’t busy or asleep so you didn’t disturb them over a silly book. Mina retreats into her room, as you turn around to head back towards the boys dorm.

You stand in front of there door hearing muffled voices on the other side. You figure it’s better to get it over with, and since they both seem more than awake you’d just grab the book and go. You take a breath and twist the door knob open.

Your breath catches in your throat and your mouth hangs slightly ajar. Your face turns a fiery red. Both Katsuki and Kirishima stand their with their manhood in their hands. It looked as if they were trying to compare sizes, you only heard a brief “mine is definitely bigger,” before they turnt to the side snapping their heads towards you. You never knew someone could be that big. Kirishima’s cheeks flush and he quickly pulls his shorts up and over his cock only leaving his perfect v line and a red trail to view. Katsuki still holds his and isn’t so quick to move but eventually tucks himself back into his sweatpants. “What are you staring at idiot!” He practically barks at you. “Never seen a dick before?” Your throat is so dry your eyes quickly shift to the floor and you simply croak out, “M-m-Mina sent me to get her book from Kiri.” You see Kirishima tense at your cute nickname you’ve always called him. Katsuki rolls his eyes and grunts plopping onto his bed. “Well.” You look up from your feet and make eye contact with Kiri. He chuckles and scratches the back of his neck, “I guess I did forget to give that back to her,” he then turns walking to his desk and grabs the book. But before he could make it to you, to hand it to you, Bakugou stops him. “Wait,” you both turn and shift your attention to him. “so you obviously just saw us both just now when you walked in so..” you look down quickly twirling your thumbs around each other. Kirishima shifts back and forth on his feet feeling embarrassed by the whole situation. “Who looks bigger to you.” You stop twirling your thumbs at the same time Kiri stops shifting on his feet. You look up at Katsuki who is now leaned back smirking with both hands behind his head. You can’t help but look at his muscular arms twitch, and your eyes trail to his shirt that is lifted revealing a peek of his toned abs and blonde patch of hair that leads to the monster he was hiding in his sweatpants. You hurry and snap your eyes back up to his face where his smirk has now widened he knows what he’s doing, he licks his bottom lip and brings it under his teeth. His look sends a rush of heat straight to your core, dampening your panties. You then look to Kirishima who’s print is revealing itself in his shorts. He licks his lips, “You don’t have to answer that we all know the answer.” Katsuki sits up breaking his seducing pose and shouts “Oi!” You giggle and they both can’t help but let out a groan at the cute sound leaving your mouth, thinking of how nice your moan must sound. Katsuki’s cock twitches underneath his sweatpants and he stands and walked towards you like a lion prowling on its meal.

“We’ll see about that, Y/n can decide who genuinely has the bigger cock here.”

Kirishima tosses his book to the side and slowly approaches you never breaking eye contact as Katsuki makes sure the door is secured shut. Kiri comes up and gently cups your face and your legs start to tremble. Katsuki comes up behind you pulling his shirt off on the way, and soon enough you are pressed between both guys. Bakugou runs his hands down your arms and over your hips as Kirshima leans in only an inch or so away from your parted lips. Bakugou leans into your ear after places a few sloppy kisses up your neck, “tell us you want this..” your eyes are fixed on Kirishima’s and you can’t believe this is happening. “Y-y-yes.” Bakugou nibbles and your ear and then bites your shoulder leaving a love bite. “Yes what?” Kirishima is searching your eyes waiting for the words his erection raging underneath his shorts, he gently pressed it into your stomach as he is taller than you. “I want this, I want you, both.” You finally manage to get out. Katsuki hums into your skin as he grabs your ass and slides his hands around your thighs feeling all your curves. Kirishima takes the opportunity of your little moan to kiss you letting his tongue slip into your mouth. You both start kissing wildly and passionately as if you’ve both been waiting for this moment. Bakugou’s hand slips into your pants as he continues to leave his marks over your neck and shoulders, he feels just how wet him and his roommate have made you. “Already s’wet for us, you came here wanting to get fucked didn’t you, you little slut.” He pulls his fingers out of your pants covered in your slick and brings it up to where you and Kiri are lustfully exploring one another’s mouths. He pushes his finger in the mix of both of your tongues letting you both have a taste. You let out a whimper as Kirishima groans into your mouth. Katsuki pulls his finger back and takes it into his own mouth sucking in the mix of saliva and juices. “S’good” he groans as he pushes his erection into your ass.

Kirishima pulls away from you a string of saliva drawn between both of your lips. You look at him dazed with hooded eyes. He pulls your shirt over your head as Katsuki unhooks your bra from behind you and they let both pieces of clothing fall to the floor. Katsuki grabs your breast and squeezes tightly, “who knew you were hiding such a sexy body underneath that hero suit of yours, you’re always so shy and bashful but look at you turning into our little whore.” Katsuki slaps one of your breasts causing you to let out a whimper. Kirishima slips his shorts off along with his boxers and pumps himself with his fist watching as Katsuki plays with your hardened peaks. You rub your thighs together trying to give some type of relief to your aching sex. Bakugou makes eye contact with kirishima and it’s like they exchanged words because next thing you know Kiri was sweeping you up and bringing you to the bed. Kirishima lays you on the bed and helps you out of your remaining clothes, while Katsuki is removing his sweatpants and boxers from his godlike body. Kiri crawls between your legs letting your thighs rest on his as he spreads you out in front of him. You bring your hands over your eyes to hide your face and Kiri leans down next to your ear. “I’ve only dreamt of this happening, I can’t believe I can really enjoy you like this y/n. Don’t worry I’ll be gentle.” You remember the length and girth of his member from early and all you can think is of how no matter how gentle he was he’d still tear you open. Your pussy clenches around air, your stomach in a knot.

Katsuki makes his way over to you and stands next to where your head lays on the bed. He strokes himself and reaches out removing one of your hands from your face. “Don’t be shy now.” Kiri takes your other hand and lets it run from his chest to his rock hard abs. You shutter at the feeling sending goosebumps up your body. You look at Bakugou’s stuff erection and watch the precum drips from his tip down his shaft. He lets go of your arm and grabs a fist full of your hair pulling you to the perfect angle. He slaps his member on your cheek, “open.” You look at him through your lashes and open letting your tongue roll out. He wastes no time shoving his cock into your mouth letting his head fall back at the sudden warmth. Kirishima kisses his way down your body to your core, but before ravishing you he doesn’t hesitate to leave some love marks/bites all over the insides of your thighs. You try to refrain from squeezing his head between your legs as he then licks straight up your slit and starts to suck on your swollen clit. You moan letting your eyes roll back, the vibrations around Katsuki’s cock driving him wild. He thrust in and out of your mouth matching your head bobs. Kirishima uses one of his hands to slip a finger into you to prep you for what was to come as his other hand went to work twisting your nipple and palming your soft tit. You were drenching his face as you reached your high, it seemed Bakugou was coming close to his as well. Kirishima added another digit to your cunt and curled his fingers pressing against your sweet spot. Your back arched off the bed and not much longer you were coming unraveled. As your throat opened and you hummed against Katsuki’s cock he took the opportunity to shove his entire length down your throat, thrusting into your face until he exploded forcing you to swallow every drop he gave you. He pulled out of your mouth and tapped you on the face wiping saliva and cum across your cheek. “You liked me fucking your pretty little face didn’t you slut.” You nodded your head yes licking your lips, kirishima came up from devouring you to bring you into another hot steamy kiss both of you tasting you and Katsuki on each others tongues.

Kirishima then rolled you both over pulling you on top of him. Your breast hovering over his face and his cock at your entrance. “Are you ready, y/n?” He then took a nipple into his mouth and sucked gently. You brought a hand up to tangle in his hair, and you stammered out “y-y-yes Kiri, I’m ready” he nipped at your nipple at released it from his mouth. He looked at you to check if there was any doubt in your eyes but all there was was the reflection of lust and desire. He slowly started to push himself into you and you could already feel the stretch. He placed his hands on your hips easing you down gently. There was pain mixed with pleasure. All your wetness from the orgasm made it a little easier. Katsuki was on the bed and had positioned himself behind you. He reached around and cupped one of your breast while the other hand rubbed circles over your clit creating more slick for kirishima to push himself into you. You eased yourself all the way down, letting Kiri bottom out in you. You moaned his name digging your nails into his chest. His quirk activating at the sensation making you moshing even louder as you felt him harden and pulse inside you. He pulled you down into a sloppy kiss. Katsuki took the opportunity to massage your bottom as Kiri started his movements thrusting into you. Suki spit letting it drip down onto your lower back he rubbed his thumb in it dragging it down to your puckered hole. He eased his thumb inside you stretching you. You gasped at the feeling of something penetrating you there. “You like that dirty slut?” He slapped your ass cheek with his other hand. You grinded yourself against Kiri moaning into his mouth. “I’ll show you who’s dick you like more, princess.” With that Kirishima broke the kiss and moved to your neck finding your sweet spot and not moving. Katsuki removed his thumb and ran his length up and down your ass. He eased himself into you giving you time to adjust. He groaned as you sucked him in to your tightness. Kirishima was panting as you had your mouth agape tongue hanging out. Kiri took two fingers and hooked them into your mouth as Bakugou reacted up and grabbed your throat bout of them penetrating you at the same time. The tension in your stomach built as you felt another release coming. Kiri’s thrusts we’re turning sloppy as he starting mumbling to himself. “Fuck…s’tight..you like taking both of us…our little slut..all ours.” Katsuki smirks and slams himself into you causing your back to arch higher. “Look at you bringing Red Riot to his knees.” You tighten around both of their cocks as you reach your release. Kiri squeezes your thighs hard as you clench down on him. You see spots of white as you squirt all over his cock and Katsuki’s balls.

Katsuki pulls out of your ass looking at the gaping mess he’s left you, grabbing your hair and pulling you up to his chest. He grabs your thighs and pulls your body off Kiri holding you as Kirishima gets up on his knees. Bakugou puts you back down on the bed, your knees and arms wobbling as you are on all four. “We’re not done with you yet, princess.” He grabs your hair and slips himself inside your drenched sex. “Fuck.” He moans bottoming himself out. You can feel your stomach bulge as he fills you up. Kiri swipes your hair out of your face and caresses your chin pulling your face up he gives you a lazy smile before licking his bottom lip and pushing himself to your mouth. As Katsuki starts to relentlessly pound into your walls he uses the grip on your hair to help you suck all your wet juices off his friends dick. You gag slightly as he forces your head completely down his length. Tears brim your eyes at the complete euphoria your body is going through. Katsuki shoves your head down several more times before kirishima throws his head back loudly moaning your name. He pulls out and paints his seed across your beautiful face. The sight pushes Bakugou over the edge and he releases his vice grip on your hair to dig his fingertips into your hips, he was sure to leave bruises. He sloppily pumped into you until he pulled out and fisted himself until he released all over your back.

You collapsed onto their bed making sure not to lay your face directly onto anything. Katsuki chest is heaving as he climbs off the bed, kirishima holding you somewhat in his lap. Bakugo grabs a towel and hands it to Kiri for you both to clean up while he cleans himself up. After you all are wiped clean you all lay on the bed. Your whole body is tingling and your mind is spinning. You lay between Dynamight and Red Riot amazed that you of all people just got to experience them both at the same time. You lay on Kiri’s chest as Bakugou rubs circles where he had just spread his seed on you only moments ago. Didn’t take him long to break the after care silence when he clears his throat, “So who do you think was bigger?”I