#i hope i got all the possible trigger warnings i need to add lmk if i need to add more

[nevermoredragon-main]

Make me your God, I can give you everything. When our darknesses overlap...

Let me take it all away

[enchantedblackrose]

Like I Love You

Jay Halstead/Plus sized Reader

Summary: Jay arrives at your apartment to pick you up for a date, but you're filled with self doubt.

¡Warnings! This potentially could be triggering. Poor body image, possible body dysmorphia, specific mentions of feelings of not being enough because of physical appearance

<Please, please lmk if I need to add any warnings.>

Loosely inspired by One Direction's Little Things

Like I Love You 

Your head throbs as hot tears of frustration continue to fall from your eyes. 

It was absolutely ridiculous to be this upset trying to pick out a decent outfit. After all, you've been successfully dressing yourself since age three.

But you don't have the mindset of a toddler. You're a jaded young woman with society's disgusting definition of beauty constantly shoved in your face. 

Deep down you know better. You know that the numbers on the scale give no indication of your beauty nor do they dictate your worth.

Sighing and trying to remind yourself that you are pretty, you again glance in the full length mirror. Standing there in nothing more than a top and underwear, fresh tears immediately fill your eyes. You only see flaws. Resisting the urge to poke at the cellulite near your thighs, you focus on your shirt. But the sleeves are cutting into your arms making them look weird. No, not weird. Fat. The too tight sleeves cause your arms to bulge. And the material clings to your soft tummy. You pinch the excess belly fat between your thumbs and index fingers, wishing you could squeeze it away.

You feel so ugly and gross. Angrily you pull the shirt off and throw it clear across your bedroom, where it joins a pair of jeans you couldn't breathe in and numerous other offending articles of clothing. None of which you look good in either.

You find an oversize t-shirt and slip it on before you just collapse on that very spot of plush carpeting.

Tears still roll down your face. All you wanted was something cute to wear. To be pretty. And go out with your boyfriend for a date night. He's a detective for the Chicago police department. The hours are already long and sometimes abnormal, but this week he, and the rest of the special unit he's a part of,  were logging extra hours on a particular difficult case. You haven't seen much of each other recently so you were especially giddy when you received his text earlier in the day saying there had been a break in the case which meant he could swing by your place and take you out on a proper date. Your reply had been almost immediate, telling him how wonderful that sounded.

You were surprised to hear from him again, still promising to take you out, but proposing you both meet up with his coworkers after dinner for some drinks. He included "begging" and "puppy dog eyes" in the message. 

Though you wanted to, you couldn't exactly say no for several reasons. You had already agreed to the date, so he knew you were free. Part of you suspected that he had done it on purpose. You'd accuse your favorite detective of entrapment later. 

You also were fully aware how much Jay wanted to introduce you to the coworkers he considered friends, having been invited to go out with them several times before. You kept putting it off.

Not because you had no interest in meeting everyone. Rather, the idea fed your worst insecurities.

What if they don't think I'm good enough? They're going to wonder what he sees in me. Then Jay will start wondering too. 

Wanting to do this solely for Jay's benefit, believing he deserved this after the hellish week at work, you went to your bedroom to plan your outfit. That's how you ended up in this nightmare. You only want to look your best, like you belong with Jay.

Nothing in your closet said that though. The truth of the matter was no one like him should be with someone who looks like you.

Cries turn to sobs. You draw your knees to your chest, hugging them tightly.

You hear the door to your apartment unlock, Jay using his copy of your key to let himself in. Hastily, you wipe at your face, not wanting him to see you like this; yet you can't find the will to stand. A loud, nasally sniff escapes you.

"Babe?" His still unaware voice calls out from the hallway. "I got us reservations." You don't answer back right away and you hear his footsteps approach. 

Having found you, he stops in the doorway. "Whoa. What kind of nuclear clothing explosion happened here?" He indicates to the mounds of clothes which surround you and cover the better part of the carpet and bed. His laughter dies as soon as he sees your tear-streaked, puffy face. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?" his worry evident in both his voice and light eyes. He looks you up and down, frantically searching for any sign of what has you like this.

You mumble incoherently.

"What?"

"I don't have anything to wear."

"The floor begs to differ," he teases. You glare back, in no mood for jokes no matter how well intended. He holds up his hands signaling he meant no harm before he pulls you to your feet. "What's going on?" You huff a heavy sigh in reply. His hand caresses your cheek and softly "hmms?" at you encouragingly.

"Nothing fits right," you confess. He hesitates unsure how to respond, so you continue. "I look extra fat in everything."

Jay frowns. "I doubt that very much. You always look good. I love how you look dolled up when we go out and I love when you're in an old tee and sweats."

"That's nice of you to say-"

"Well I didn't say it to be nice. I said it because it's true," he cuts you off.

You give a tiny, weak smile. "I hate how I look." Your voice cracks. New tears sting your eyes.

He brushes the few teardrops that manage to escape with his thumb. "Baby, what are you talking about? You're beautiful." His voice is soft with a hint of sadness hearing you talk this way.

"This is not beautiful." You pat your flabby stomach, then your thighs. 

Carefully stepping to avoid the clothes which litter the floor, Jay makes his way to your bed and sits on the edge, still mindful of the garments piled there as well. He opens his arms, indicating for you to sit on his lap.

"My huge ass will probably crush you," you mutter.

"Baby-"

 

Exasperated you throw your arms up, "I look nothing like you!"

"Well I'm a guy and you're not so…"

"Stop. I mean you look like a freaking model. That face and those abs for days." You catch him looking smug, no doubt a witty remark is at his lips, but one glance at you and he leaves it unsaid. You continue. Your voice hushed, "I'm afraid of what people might think or say when they see us together. It's why I've been so reluctant to meet your friends."

His eyes sadden. He reaches for you, gently pulling you to his lap. When he speaks, his voice is soft, but stern, almost begging you to believe his words. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I honestly had no idea, but listen to me, please. The only people who get a say about our relationship are in this room right now, okay? So our opinions are the only ones that matter. You. Are. Beautiful." He pauses only to shush you when he sees your mouth open. "The way your mind works fascinates me. Your sense of humor is amazing. You continuously show compassion for others, which in this world is not always easy. I swear your goodness is innate. Your laugh is intoxicating. When you smile...I wish you could see how your face lights up and your body turns me on exactly how it is. I have never been attracted to anyone as much as I am to you. I love you."

Jay's words move you, but they're not enough to silence your insecurities. "Even though I don't have a thigh gap?"

His brows furrow. "I...don't know what that means."

"It means my thighs touch each other. They're not supposed to."

"Says who?"

"...society."

"Society's ugly, not you or your thighs." His fingers trace nondescript patterns on the bare skin in question. "Besides, thick thighs save lives."

"Jay!" You laugh despite yourself. He smiles in return and presses his lips to your temple.

"I love you too. You know that, right?" You ask, realizing you hadn't said it back and he nods. A hand intertwines with his as you look in his eyes, "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"You're not. We all have insecurities or things we don't like about ourselves. I just wish you weren't so hard on yourself. I'm sorry too if you felt I was putting pressure on you to meet everyone."

"Not at all," you shake your head. "That's just me being me."

"Still, if my friends have a problem with us being together for any reason, they're not the people I think they are. Truly though, they'd love you. Hell, if we didn't show up together I could see one of them hitting on you," Jay pauses if imagining it.  "But seriously. They'd adore you. First, because they're going to see firsthand how good you are for me. Then because you're you. Funny, smart-"

"But I want to be pretty, Jay. And look like we belong together."

Jay sighs, but not out of frustration with you. He's only concerned."You are. And we do. I know nothing I say is going to magically change how you see yourself...I get that. You have to be the one to work this out. I really wish you could see yourself through my eyes and love yourself like I love you. Maybe then you'd understand you're so worthy of self-love. I promise, I'm right here and I'm going to keep reminding you how beautiful you are in hopes you'll start to see it."

Your hand caresses his cheek as you fight the urge to cry again. He leans into your touch. "You do help," you tell him because it's true and to reassure him. "I'm so lucky to have you. I'm really going to try to not be so down on myself. Besides. I  really don't want to ruin any more of our nights."

He waves you off. "A night trying to get you to see your beauty is not ruined. And the night's still young. We'll do whatever you're up for. Go out for a bit. Stay in and order food. Whatever."

A small smile appears on your face. You quickly peck his lips with yours. "I just want to wash my face before we do anything." Jay nods. You slide off his lap and head to your bathroom across the hall.

The light flickers for a second as soon as you hit the switch. You go to the sink, turning the water on and letting it run to get to the perfect temperature. Standing there, you glance into the vanity mirror. Your face is still slightly puffy with a few soft pink splotches across your cheeks from all your crying. You splash the water on your face and repeat the action several more times before using a fluffy towel to pat dry your face. You stare back into the mirror. And smile. It reaches your eyes and illuminates your face. You reach a realization. However fleeting or permanent, you don't know. But right now in this moment, you feel it. 

You're pretty.

-

[commedawn-blog]

okie dokie so hello ! i’m finally here with dawn’s intro as well as some stuff about myself in case anyone is interested. my name’s luna, prefer they/them pronouns, i love aoa & ace. mistre kim sehyoon is my ult & that’s that. i’m a virgo, love cats, and ben & jerry’s cinnamon bun ice cream is the best thing ever. WJKSFDGJHK  i really love having dark muses that are hard to write so i thought i’d try & do something a lil different with dawn here ! i’ll be putting all her info under the cut for both length & trigger warnings that may apply. d*scord will also more than likely be down there if anyone wants to add me ? just lmk who you are =^.^=

└ song yuqi, 20, she/her ┐ this town wouldn’t be complete without ( dawn liu ) wondering around. they’re known as the ( the nebula ) and have been living here for ( 3 months ). i hear they really like ( dusk & dawn, classical music, & the idea of true love ), but can’t stand ( religion, authority figures, & gaslighting ). their sole purpose? i hear it’s ( to feel free ), but we’ll see how that goes.

so to start, dawn’s paretns were a bit of a mess. terribly so JSHKDFGUJK. her mother fell in love with a cult leader who basically brainwashed women, created a harem & then reproduced with them to basically start the process over again. so when he met dawn’s mother, he basically promised her that he loved her the most out of all his wives & that she was his special girl. and she fell for it, really hard. so she joined his cult, married him, & they got pregnant with dawn soon after. also really important: dawn’s birth name is actually eden! but was changed later on in her life ( right after she was taken into the witness protection program. she changed her name to dawn for the reason being “with each dawn comes a new day, a fresh start, a new beginning.” )

dawn’s early childhood was very interesting, that’s for sure, as she had all these siblings & multiple mothers. it was rare she went out in public & if she did it was with her papa and mom. he would call it special time for his special girls. all in all, dawn’s father was very good at making whoever he decided make feel special as he was a master manipulator. 

life went on as normal as it could have for the daughter of a cult leaderup until dawn was about 13 when her father started becoming distant and started bringing around a new woman. dawn’s mother, being incredibly in love with him, was overtaken with a jealous rage that someone younger and prettier was taking her place hatched a plan. this plan of course involved insane bloodshed and violence. 

TW: MURDER & VIOLENCE  ---  in this haze of fury, dawn’s mother slaughtered her husband and his potential new bride as well as every other wife and child of the cult. this left only her and dawn, to which her mother took the teen and ran as far and as fast as possible. and somehow they managed to escape without being caught.

dawn, of course, had no knowledge of what her mother had done and simply assumed they had left their family because dawn’s mother wanted “better for dawn”. at only 13, she was left to trust in her mother’s decisions and even if dawn tried to question it, she’d be punished severely. 

the two settled in upstate new york then, living in a small apartment that her mother was paying for by sleeping with the landlord. dawn was taken out of public school with the promise that her mother would teach her everything she would ever need to know. unbeknownst to dawn, this was far from the truth.

still brainwashed from her now late husband, dawn’s mother continued to teach the warped lessons he seared into the minds of those he controlled to taint dawn’s young mind. religion was a big part of her upbringing but in a way that was ugly and perverse. anytime dawn did something incorrectly or disobeyed, she was punished by being locked in a closet for hours to days, or whipped. sometimes even burned with the crucifix necklace she was forced to wear ( see: a scar on the back of her neck in the shape of a cross ).

life was torturous for dawn for a long while, up until she was 19 when the police that had been on her mother’s trail for years, finally caught up to the serial killer. she was apprehended and arrested, put on trial and sentenced to life with no chance of parole. which left dawn on her own. 

and for the very first time in dawn’s life while being so completely lost with no money, no education, no family, she also felt like there was a chance. she was given some counselling in hopes it would ease whatever ache she was experiencing but after witnessing the severe trauma the girl had gone under, therapists simply gave up.

press had begun to follow her around as she was known as a cult escapee with a bloodthirsty mother and it got so bad to the point where she was put under a witness protection program as the victim’s to her mother’s crime began searching for retribution. and revenge. and the only logical person to take it out on was the sole survivor of the massacre: dawn. 

 so that’s what brought dawn all the way to south korea in an attempt to put her in a quiet little town that she wouldn’t be found in no matter how hard people looked. 

PERSONALITY  / MANNERISMS / OTHER ──  ‧

upon first glance, dawn is extremely quiet and withdrawn. often times would be considered an observer rather than someone who partakes in social interaction but once someone takes the time to actually peek under the facade, they’ll find that she’s in fact quite insane. SDJKFHGKGH and what i mean by this is that because of how her mother treated her as a child / teenager, dawn behaves erratically. 

she’s got an extreme fear of the dark and tight spaces ( claustrophobia ), hates wearing her hair up in fear that someone might see that scar on the back of her neck. has only recently taken to wearing clothing that’s slightly revealing after being told showing any skin is whoreish.  

works at a little shop as a waitress and is paid under the table! because of her lack of education or any other experience, dawn has no way to get a proper job with benefits or anything else. and the only reason she has income is because of the fake documents she was given and the help of the government. she’s a very diligent worker though and is considered a perfectionist! if something isn’t up to her standards she starts over and sometimes even acts out in frustration. 

has really bad jealousy issues! like mother like daughter tbh. anyone she’s remotely close with can expect her to form extreme attachment towards as she finds if someone can stand her long enough to consider her an acquaintance then she must put all her energy into that relationship. 

believes heavily in happiness! and freedom! and being able to speak ones mind, so anyone who tries to tell her she’s wrong or incorrect about anything will more than likely enrage her immediately. .ASKFJDGHKGHJ 

also! shedoesn’t really know anything about her cultural identity.  or like.. much of anything? so possible connection could be someone to tutor her about basically everythign IJFHKDGDJK

and that’s it for now ! i’ll probably think of some plot ideas later and either post them or just link them on her blog. but if anyone has managed to get this far, please feel free to like this so we can plot some stuff or.. just chat ! here’s my d*scord for anyone who wants to add me: