#i hope facebook and youtube die next | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

luvtonique · 18 days ago

Text

I wanna tell a little story. Just a little one. [Edit after typing: Yeah I ranted for a while. Oh well.]

I grew up with a dad who was extremely racist, extremely homophobic, and extremely abusive. Used to beat me and my brothers for 20+ years of my life, left us all with mental disorders and trust issues, you name it.

One such story of his homophobia and beatings is that my brother had a boyfriend at one point, and my dad hit him with a belt and screamed at him until he agreed to break up with said boyfriend, which he did.

Now cut ahead 20 years, my dad met an openly gay celebrity online and became friends with him. All the sudden, my dad was Mr. LGBT Pride. He was a writer, and suddenly started writing a book about a gay cowboy called Buck Justice. He would rent movies with gay actors in it, or gay themes, and was suddenly super pro gay.

It just left all of us disgusted, my brothers and my mom. We knew this man, but people on Facebook didn't. He had this huge friend group all the sudden of people calling him "Dad" and "Big Bob" and shit (When in reality, my dad called himself N*gger Bob and even had that written on the whiteboard next to his phone number), and he kept telling us all these stories and laughing and having a good time about how "Cool gay people are."

You see, it left a poor fucking taste in our mouth.

Because we had personally seen how horrible this man was. He beat us. He beat my bisexual brother. He was a fucking monster, but now that he was in some clique with a big popular movie star friend, he was suddenly this shining beacon of gay pride.

That's what bothers me when I see people on the internet acting the same way. I see the disingenuous nature of their actions. I see the popular people they're brown-nosing, I see the big popular bloggers and streamers they're trying to be friends with who are spouting the same bullshit.

And the reason it bothers me is because I know who these people are. I go back in their blogs like 1 month and find death threats, calls for violence, mental instability, extreme rage.

I go to their YouTube channels and find videos of them watching rats die on glue traps.

I get invited into their Discord servers and scroll back through the history of them talking with their friends and see just mountains of hate posting, calling for violence, wishing people would be killed, celebrating the death of people they hate.

That's why I don't do that shit. And why I don't tend to hang out with people who do. Because I know those people aren't really respectful people. I know they don't truly want equality.

I know the truth. From 20 years of belt marks on my back.

I know y'all are fucking disgusting people who are just pretending to be respectful advocates for equality and peace because the big celebrities and vloggers and streamers you wanna be friends with are saying the same shit.

You people aren't real. You are NPCs spouting NPC dialogue in hopes of getting some pseudo social credit score with big e-celebs while all it takes is 10 seconds of scrolling through your blog to find out you are the most disgusting, violent and unhinged person on the internet.

Case in point, y'ever seen a cat owner before?

Tell a cat owner you don't like cats.

Watch what happens.

It's been 9 years since I made a post saying I don't like cats and I still get those fucking psycho pieces of shit sending me extremely descriptive anon asks about how they want my throat to be ripped out by a dog in my sleep. That's who these people really are.

All it takes is one thing that sets them off and they go from your 11-year-running best friend of all time to a person who sends you multiple paragraphs of descriptive ways they hope you die.

I've learned from experience with my dad.

Y'all want equality? Just treat people with respect no matter what. Don't act like there's versions of people or groups of people who deserve more or less respect, because guess what, THAT'S CALLED PREJUDICE YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT.

If you have to say "I am LGBT friendly"

You clearly have something to hide (which I guarantee is like 10 posts down in your blog and is horrifically violent and descriptive) and you are the last person I would expect to actually be LGBT friendly, or any kind of friendly.

63 notes · View notes

preciadosbass · 3 months ago

Text

5/8/24

woke up at 9:30. when i wake up naturally early i always say good morning to boris so i did that and then decided that i’m not exhausted to the point i should go back to sleep. i just doomscrolled the entire morning and saved a few max green edits along the way. i looked through a few pin sharing urbex groups on facebook and saved a couple videos to my watch later on youtube. its a pain there’s not actually much around where i live, like, that’s why i cant go out on my own. as much as woods are beautiful and nice to be around/at there’s not any shops or town in walking distance.

the next time my family go on a road trip hopefully i’ll be able to explore a few places then. there was an abandoned housing estate about 40 minutes from where i live but apparently it’s being demolished soon, plus i’m not allowed to go there anymore. as for any of the other stuff close-ish, it’s not really anything you can explore. however, i did find an abandoned plane graveyard online and it turned out it was decently close by to me. when i went they didn’t even let me take photos but they did email saying someone could tour me and show me the planes if i arrange a date which is exciting. although i’ll most likely have to wait until october so the plants around it die down.

when it got to about 10/11am my dad came down so i said goodmorning to him and had breakfast as he made me it and i’d feel bad not to. luckily i’ve found breakfast option which has a lot less cals than that bagel so i feel a little, tiny bit more relaxed about having food in the mornings. at 1 i went outside with boris and cuddled him on the driveway. he seems a lot more energetic today. i was sitting on the sleepers across from the front door with my feet outstretched and he layed down leaning against my leg/shoes it was so cute i just had to record it. while i was outside i also fixed the lighting of a picture of jaime and changed my layout and things on all my socials.

i also followed lots of cool people in hopes of become their mutual or something. i stayed out there until 2:20. when i got back inside asked my mum about that list of things on depop that i want to buy and she sent offers on all of the uk items for me. with the rest, i just had to wait until people got back to me about shipping. since yesterday i added one more item to my wishlist, a frank iero tattoo poster from an old magazine, i sent an order regarding this aswell. my mum was getting frustrated and didn’t really understand why i wanted the stuff that i did. but she did see my point about buying the funko pops second hand from depop rather than the official website.

i think i had a nap and woke up at approximately 4/half five but i’m not too sure about times. i saw an informative video about taxidermy and how to tell if things are ethical or not and remembered i was texted a mutual and they kept asking for advice regarding stuff like that, so i sent it to them. at around 5 my hairdresser came round so i got dressed for once [i hate departing from my onesie don’t judge me 🤫] and had my ends touched up. having my hair cut is always kind of awkward for me because i have to stop myself from asking to get it cut short. my parents are fine with it, im just terrible with change. but i have been wanting it short for 4+ years now. its just scary that once it’s done, if i don’t like it, there’s pretty much nothing anyone can do. i’m fine with dye.

before she was about to leave i found out that she’s going to be looking after boris when me and my family go to butlins. she’s really nice and talked me through everything/asked me to text her if i have anything particular i want her to do but i’m scared about leaving him. i think i have a few weeks until we go. i feel guilty saying this, but i am excited, i think. i haven’t been away with my whole family before. that dosent take away the worry though. once my parents had payed and she’d driven off i went outside with boris again.

i was out there up until 7:20 when i went back into my room and put on coraline. i finally found the dvd after looking everytime i watch something for weeks. i’ve watched it so many times i know everything that happens so while i was listening to it i wrote this before i’d forget everything about my day. my phone was blowing up at the same time because some rando keeps submitting anonymous messages harassing me over making music my personality loll — anyways, i watched up until the scene where the other mother gives coraline the box with the buttons in it until i went on a walk with my mum.

we left at almost exactly 9 and went to that same field i’ve spoken about before where you can see london in the distance. the person who owns it must’ve just mowed everywhere so we were just walking on really thick piles of dead grass so it was 10x more tiring. it left like i was walking through snow. obviously it was even more tricky because we walked down and then up the really steep hills. we got home at 10ish and was out for at least 40 or 50 minutes.

when we got back my mum handed me an envelope. i immediately knew what it was; since i’ve been young [7] i’ve had this youth thingy send me and my sister arts and crafts stuff related to the stuff going on at the time. i took it into my room i continued listening to coraline while i made a collage out of the zoos map from yesterday. i opened the envelope once id glued in half of the stuff i wanted to and used this wooden flower from it. i finished it at 11, and i cant tell if i despise it with every fibre of my being or if it’s tolerable. ive never made a collage with so much untouched and plain space [photo at the end]

coraline conveniently finished when i’d completed the collage so i went out to the kitchen to see boris. my mum started arguing with me about how the questions don’t affect me at all and they only have a negative affect on her and my dad when i asked when i should come up. i’m gunna admit, this kinda hit really hard because nobody knows how much it truly affects me and i’m too far gone to even be able to speak about it/write about it. because if i do then it’ll make something bad happen. but i do appreciate that it’s really draining for them too. i just cant stop.

boris went into the living room so i sat out there while finishing the rest of that mcr 2011 concert and updated this at 12 while listening to fall out boy’s folie á duex. once i’d written what i needed to i rewatched a few videos i took at my pierce the veil concert back in april. i’m still not over seeing jaime. i went up to my parents at 12:50 because thats when my mum said they’re ready for me to ask questions about boris. it took about an hour because it was on and off and i kept on getting sidetracked. afterwards i went downstairs, had some breadsticks [and found this huge ass spider living above our food cupboard], did my teeth, and said goodnight to boris.

i cant recall how long i was speaking to him, but i finished at 2:50. i told him about my day and what’s going to be happening tomorrow so he knows i might not be able to be with him as much as id want to. [my prevision is coming round tomorrow]. i got into bed directly after id finished speaking with boris, and listened to three days grace + the used while wrapping up this entry. went to sleep at 3. i usually get to sleep the second my head touches my pillow but it took me a few minutes more today because all i could focus on was the sound of electricity and my radiator. it isn’t even that whirring sound you’d hear at your grandparents when you sleep over, it’s high pitched and inconsistent and weird. also my stick insects were being noisy.

* ughh i hate this page sm it’s probably my least fav one i’ll ever do here’s a picture of boris to make up for it

have a good day/night O_o

22 notes · View notes

treadmilltreats · 2 days ago

Text

Waiting with bated breath

So after the longest 4 years of our lives, the day finally came yesterday when record-breaking people came out and got to vote.

Yes, for many of us, this day couldn't have come soon enough. The lines were long during the whole week before early voting and were even longer yesterday. But people waited for hours for the right to vote

It was amazing to see this as I believe it is our duty to vote. That many people that came before us, fought and died for this right and we should all vote in memory of them and their efforts.

I think it should be mandatory if you live in this country, that you must vote.

As it is in many other countries because they are serious about their voting as they should be but yet again we are behind everyone else.

So we sit here on pins and needles waiting for the results and we know what's coming next, the fights. That is nothing new in this presidency, the man-baby will cry if he loses if everything isn't about him.

All we can do is hope and pray that more people in America will vote for change, sick of the self-centered, narcissus that hasn't cared about our great country.

He certainly didn't make America great again, he made America HATE again. And we cannot go on like this, divided on our land. We are all one, we all bleed red, we all want a better life for our children, and we all die and turn into dust, what part don't you get?

We may not learn of the final count today or even this week, so we will sit in front of our TVs or cell phones waiting for the answer.

This had to be the most important presidential election in history, whether we would look like the laughingstock of the world for the next four years again or not.

We do not have the answer yet….

Either way, we must learn to change ourselves, to try to change the world one person at a time, one voice at a time. Maybe this will make others who want change step up, to run for office for the people, all of the people, not just some.

Maybe this will show the younger generation what not to do, and to fix what we fucked up for them.

To truly make this world a better place…We can only hope.

So today my friends, remember no matter what happens, you can do your part every single day to be a better person. You can change the world, one kind deed at a time. You can be the voice of compassion for others. You can open up a dialog of conversation about loving one another.

And like I say at the end of every blog….

You can be the change you want to see….

"Be the change you want to see"

@TreadmillTreatsCheck out my daily blogs @ https://treadmilltreats.blogspot.com/?m=1

Www.treadmilltreats.com

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

https://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Disguise-Revealed-story-faith/dp/1074340493/ref=sr_1_19?keywords=the+blessing+in+disguise&qid=1561392004&s=books&sr=1-19

***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise

Selling on my website:

Http://www.treadmilltreats.com

And on Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_13?qid=1462358109&sr=1-13&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=the+blessing+in+Disguise

http://www.am6azon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?qid=1434452632&sr=8-12&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=the+Blessing+in+Disguise

My weekly Youtube page, please subscribe:

https://youtu.be/LDSXCFJVnzM

Http://www.treadmilltreats.com

Twitter: treadmill treats

Instagram: treadmilltreats

Facebook :treadmill treats

Http://Www.treadmilltreats.com

#treadmilltreats

#Theblessingindisguise

#blog

#blogger

#love

#instagram

#lifestyle

#blogging

#influencer

#bloggers

#bloggerlife

#Garyvee

#Jayshetty

#write

#writer

#motivationalspeaker

#motivation

#motivationalquotes

#motivational

#inspiration

#success

#quotes

#soulsisterssoulution

#NewYorktimesbestseller

#Oprah

#TylerPerry

#womens rights #please vote #world news

0 notes

fortleegospel · 2 months ago

Text

Gospel News

Dear friends and members of Fort Lee Gospel Church,

As many of you know, our focus for the coming months will be on the topic of prayer. We focus on prayer themes throughout our Sunday services, we will distribute ‘Weekly Prayer Guides,’ we will provide prayer themed wrist bands, and I will be preaching sermons on prayer.

My preaching focus will be on well-known passages on prayer in the New Testament. I started with two sermons on the Lord’s Prayer and this coming Sunday will look at Jesus’ prayer for His disciples in John 17. I have quickly learned that there are many great Scriptures on prayer that I will not have time to get to before Christmas. Here is one example:

Romans 12:12 says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” This passage reminds of three things to focus on in building a great life.

First, “Be joyful in hope.” For the Christian, hope is built on the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Because Jesus rose from the dead, we have hope that when we die, we will go to heaven. Hope before the grave includes knowing God’s care in this life, Jesus as our ‘Good Shepherd,’ and the presence of the Holy Spirit with us in all of life, good and bad. Hope includes believing that God will bring good out of every situation we face in life. (See Romans 8:28)

Second, be “patient in affliction.” Every one of us faces adversity. A life well lived is a life that learns to overcome in hard times. A recent reminder was last week’s remembrance of 9/11/2001. Reflecting on that time was an exercise in remembering an extremely painful time in the life of our nation. There were also the heroic responses, national unity, and spiritual growth that came from that time. We are called to be ‘patient’ in those hard times of our life. Stay the course. Press into God. Keep doing the next right thing. Usually, we experience God’s presence in those hardest seasons of our lives.

Third, be “faithful in prayer.” The concept is that we build a regular habit and daily time in the presence of God as a means of becoming spiritually strong. Most Christians turn to God in hard times. Being ‘faithful in prayer’ is building a lifestyle of prayer that will keep you strong when we face challenging times. Consider the comparison between spiritual and physical health. Faithful prayer is like the person who eats healthy and exercises regularly. Prayerlessness is like the person who eats poorly and hates exercise. In both cases, the healthy person is likely to have fewer problems and better outcomes when sickness comes.

May we all live out Romans 12:12, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” It is my hope and prayer that each of us in Fort Lee Gospel Church will grow in our prayer life in the coming weeks. God bless!

-Pastor Rick

Weekly Announcements

Sunday worship services at 11:00 AM is mostly off-line, with only the sermon posted on our website, Facebook page, and YouTube.

The Tuesday Men’s Lunch and study meets at the church at 12:30 PM.

The Tuesday Bible Study meets at 7:00 PM weekly. We are studying the book of Romans.

The 6:00 AM Prayer Meeting on Wednesdays and Saturdays is at the church with an option to connect on Google Meet.

The Women’s Bible Study meets this Saturday, September 21st at 2:00 PM. The study continues from the book of Ephesians.

The next Church Dinner will be this Sunday, September 22nd after the worship service.

On Saturday, September 28th, Jesus for Muslims Network will hold its annual banquet. See Pastor Rick for details.

Connect info for Tuesday Bible Studies and Morning Prayer is:

Meeting URL :

https://meet.google.com/suk-xpsf-nwh

For dial in: Phone: +1 567-351-1104 PIN: 469 349 929#

0 notes

newmusicradionetwork · 3 months ago

Text

Innocence Meets Adulthood on Berliner Nadine Finsterbusch’s, “My Space”

Nadine Finsterbusch is not one to live in the past. She also shrugs-off the expectations that beset women her age. With her first solo album MY SPACE, the 44-year-old Berliner gives herself permission to voice the experiences that have shaped her recent life: decidedly adult themes like early menopause, breaches of trust, and failed friendships. That said, her songs are also spiked with the hopefulness of youth. Across the ten pensive but energized electropop anthems that comprise MY SPACE, Finsterbusch re-opens the door to aspects of the self that most grownups have buried somewhere between shopping lists and work-life-balance—namely: the freedom to be unabashedly emotional, without any bitterness or the feeling that one has to hide behind a wall of feigned indifference. STREAM THE SINGLES: “WHY SO SERIOUS” | “NAMES“ In a conscious nod to her earliest and most formative inspiration, Finsterbusch’s bold combination of vehemence and innocence evokes the buoyant spirit of early-’90s Björk. “I secretly watched MTV at night when I was 13,” Finsterbusch recalls. “When I saw Björk for the first time, I knew that this was what I wanted to do, too.” Having fulfilled her love for the avant-garde side of pop in the band Phinsterbush, Nadine arrived at the juncture where the next logical step was to set off on her own. “I wanted to talk about my life and express myself as directly and honestly as possible,” she explains. “That can be difficult in a ‘band’ setting, where you tend to push each other to be as artistically serious as possible.” “That has its place,” she continues, “but these songs are way poppier, way more playful, way more free. It was a lot more like my childhood choir days, when I wanted to bring a lot of harmonies into the arrangements and make the songs big. There were times I only understood the meaning of the songs in retrospect, but for where I am in life right now, it’s very important to be able to just tune-in to what I’m feeling and go with it.” At this stage, of course, women find themselves grappling with mood swings and the finality of childlessness. To convey this range of emotional hues, she found the perfect musical foil in producer and longtime collaborator Ramin Bijan (Die Türen, Robert Forster, Samba, The Burning Hell). “He was so perfect,” Nadine enthuses, “because he gave me the space to trust myself enough to just express—without thinking.” “And speaking of space,” she says, “the association with the long-antiquated social network was unintentional but something I decided to run with—because it fits-in with the overall mood of not living in the past, but still wanting to preserve certain aspects that served us well. Getting older doesn’t have to mean that we lose our innocence. We may not remember it so well now, but there was a marvelous musical dimension to MySpace. It was a great place to discover different sounds, not to mention for sharing your own. And I made friends there that are still in my life to this day.” “This music,” she adds, “is my feel good place. When you listen to the album, I’d hope that it feels that way for you too: a special place where listeners also feel they can let their guard down—and, of course, groove along to the way it sounds.” MY SPACE was mastered by Dave Cooley (Tame Impala, Animal Collective, Paramore, Blood Orange, Madvillain). Nadine Finsterbusch MY SPACE tracks - You Make Me Forget - Silence Certainty - Nothing Moves - You You You - Why So Serious - So many Feelings - Names - Make Some Time - The Way - What Other Memories NADINE FINSTERBUSCH ONLINE SPOTIFY | YOUTUBE | SOUNDCLOUD | IG | TIKTOK | FACEBOOK Read the full article

0 notes

theorist-influencer-untitled · 4 months ago

Text

7.20.24 Saturday

8:03 am

Still,have windblow...

I streamed last night in Tagged, happy that I got some diamonds and hearts... Not expecting anything but I'm happy...

I hope I can open again my 2 accounts in Tagged that are linking on my Facebook and Google coz I already gained diamonds there...

Just playing and dreaming on "Pinterest"...

I always wanna renovate my old room but I don't have fundings... Though, I wish to have a glass house but if not for now... I want happy and cute theme. I always wanna have a sofa in my room just like these,angels...

I wanna balcony if ever...

8:28 am

Still,have windblow...

Drinking my first cup of coffee... Still, I need to polish some things here before the "big sister and brother" will go home... I was just really thinking of my "talent fee"...

Still, I need to pay loans... I still have dreams on my own. I really wanna end-up with someone I want and someone who is willing to embrace me... Someone who is willing to accept... I know I need to work for my dying self-esteem and will never end-up or I will not settle-up with someone who wants to "go dutch".

8:53 am

Still,have windblow...

Is this the "Perfect Storm" that someone is saying???

youtube

10:25 am

Fixing the ceiling fan.... Miss DIY ( do it yourself ) for now.... I need bulbs here angels...

It so funny that there is a "switch" that you can choose if counter-clockwise or clockwise the spin of the fan...

I figure it out just now...

4:32 pm

Still,have windblow...

I still want to travel... I still need vanities... I need a personal growth. I still, wanna end up with someone I like, like my cousin-white and artist on youtube like Garret or Ash.

I just wanna have some good story aside from buying Starbucks everyday... I miss going back to gym...

Not my ideal life here in Cavite... I hate being flatten unfairly... I feel fat,ugly and old with no love life story... I feel bitterish...

5:28 pm

Still,have windblow...

Pop-culture is not bad angels... I still want my retinol angels or my wrinkle patch or my botox hahah

Seeing cute,clean and fresh pop-culture kitchen!

7:20 pm

Still,have windblow...

I feel so frustrated....I want a coffee station in the house... I grew-up here since I was 13 and lost myself, lost my friends....They just put me in the center of embarassment...

They just want me to be fat,ugly and old... I feel bad angels...17years they took it for so long...

I feel bitter! Bitterish!!!

8:53 pm

Still,have windblow...

It feels weird.... I suddenly feel boring and feel like suiciding... But of course, I don't wanna die without any progress....

Or I'm just sad for being alone for 17 years and I feel irritated on people who are unfairly caging me here in Cavite?

I feel bitterish and frustrated...

youtube

9:10 pm

I will take a video probably live somewhere if time will come that I will do a suicide... Hmm... I will use a gun coz I don't wanna struggle... I will just bang it on my head and after that it feels nothing... It is just a magical death...

But for now... I feel like suiciding but it will be unfair coz I don't have any progress...

I have windblow & soul interference perhaps???

youtube

9:21 pm

I feel frustrated, 17 years... Long flat short walk journey for nothing.

youtube

9:30 pm

Why...Why... Why....

youtube

9:42 pm

My next boo,bullshit.... I hate being caged by someone I don't know here... 17 years, too much, too long just for nothing...

I want my cousin-white, Garret and Ash.

It supposed to be you, cousin-white...

youtube

9:53 pm

We should be together...

youtube

#Youtube

1 note · View note

nightcoremoon · 9 months ago

Text

it’s not about trump vs biden it’s about how damaging the policies of the administrations as a whole will be to society and the world at large, and if you genuinely actually think that the biden administration as a whole is anywhere even remotely near as harmful as the trump administration will be towards not just american citizens who aren’t rich cishet white men, but also to the citizens of syria ukraine gaza and all of the other armed conflicts in the eastern continents, I think you actually have brain damage from watching too much shit on social media. you clearly get all of your political opinions from tiktok twitter instagram facebook etc and not from actually looking at the things the government is doing.

so if trump wins because you didn’t vote for biden and the right censors your ability to read the news for the next 30 years of emperor trump’s reign then I hope you’re ready for 1984 2: electric boogaloo motherfucker, because it’ll be your fault entirely. especially because the “they aren’t even doing anything” mentality is blatantly false because THE BIGGEST THING THE LIBERALS ARE WORKING ON RIGHT NOW IS CLIMATE CHANGE, YOU DUMB FUCKS. or did you ignore every piece of mail that touched your inbox that wasn’t “gee wow look what wacky antics the most popular celebrity got into today”. you single handedly will just let the world burn.

but sure whatever you live in the suburbs in ohio so when all of the coastal and island nations of the world drown and die, don’t worry because you’ll be safe. you’ll have yours. you can just drink your iced coffee and listen to your taylor swift and watch your british and/or mormon minecraft youtubers and play your candy crush and live in the same peace and quiet as the land of the lotus eaters. drink that yummy flavoraid. fuck anyone who isn’t you. don’t think for yourself. don’t live.

so don’t get mad at me when I do the same thing

0 notes

the-lyrical-system · 10 months ago

Text

Everything is changing around me. And I feel so stagnant.

I may legally be an adult, but I don't feel like one. I try to be, but I know I'm still a kid. I'm still in school, I'm still learning how to live in this society.

I'm so close to being out of HS, I'm so close to college, to getting my own place. I have a fairly stable job, or as close to one as I can have in my area. I don't have a lot of the same friends that I did before. The friends I do have aren't exactly on the best terms with me. My favorite game franchises from my childhood have strayed so far. One of my favorite YouTubers has announced that he's going to be making his last video this year after 13 years. My parents and brothers are getting older. My friends are driving, some are even married now. My older cousin has a son.

It all feels like it's going so fast. And I think I understand why my ex cried at his graduation now, why he was so emotional, even though I was so proud of him.

I just...don't know. So much has changed. And things are still changing. I know that nothing truly stays the same, but gods, I wish it did sometimes. I would give anything to go back even by just one year.

It feels so isolating to watch everything change and to change yourself, but to not know where to go next, what your next change is or will be, what you are meant to do.

I wish that things would and could just stay the same. I may never change or heal, but maybe I won't anyway, so would that matter by that much? I wish I could go back to a year ago, and that I could stay in that time of my life forever. Or maybe go back even further, to when I was still a kid, so I could fix things and be able to keep the things I want to keep. Or maybe I could even stay back then, and nothing will have to change.

Being aware of the change around me feels so...sad. It feels lonely. Not that I didn't feel lonely before, but this is lonely, too.

I'm watching the people around me pull away and leave me behind to live their own lives. I'm pulling away, too. But I'm so sick of watching it happen, of not being able to do anything about it.

Hearing his voice get so thick while he talks about love and pride and the relationship he has with his viewers is making me want to cry. This video, along with the old voice clips from my ex, the videos on Facebook of my Nana, the pictures of my missing cat, the books I used to read, the songs in my oldest playlist, they're proof of the change, of the things I've lost and loved, and they're going to stick with me. They're burned into my brain for the rest of time.

If I could, I'd go back to before. I'd take all of those things, make them brand new. I'd love and cherish them more than I ever did before. I'd make sure they know how much they meant to me, how much they changed me for the better. I don't want them to go. I never did. I wish, with all of my heart and soul, that they could stay just as they were when I first saw them. Each page brand new. Each smile a new experience. The voices a new imprint on my brain. Fresh and sickeningly loved, and everything I never knew I needed back then.

I hope that when I die, when my time ends, wherever I go, it's a place where things don't change like this. It's a place where every smile is brand new, every voice is brand new, every page is fresh, every picture barely dried, every flower newly bloomed, every hug the first, every kiss. And everyone, everything stays, just as I remember it like the first time, just as if no damage had ever befallen it, as if no drift apart ever happened, as if no interest was lost.

0 notes

thebookkeeper247 · 1 year ago

Text

MIAJAIRIAN - HATE MYSELF

MIAJAIRIAN - HATE MYSELF MIAJAIRIAN - HATE MYSELF Quick Links Spotify Click Here YouTube Click Here Soundcloud Click Here MIAJAIRIAN - “HATE MYSELF.” ‘Hate Myself’? The what behind the why. The song ‘Hate Myself’ comes from a place of disappointment, pain, and long suffering. Suffering in this world that makes you question being born. Remember Job chapter 3? Job expresses his desire to have not been born because of the pain and suffering he was enduring. Elijah walked in the desert for a day, sat down and prayed, “I have had enough, Lord,” Let me die. I am no better than my ancestors.” Ecclesiastes 4:2-3 tells us it's better to be dead than alive but better off are those who were never born. Therefore, have not seen the injustice that goes on in this world. “Solomon is saying it's better to have not been born! That's how evil the world is. That's how evil our flesh is. Making mistakes that leave us feeling shameful and unworthy,” says Miajairian. John 12:25 says, "whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." “If you love yourself but not God then you are a lover of your flesh and worldly pleasures. To hate your flesh is to love God and to love the things of God. That's when you truly learn to love yourself and find hope in God,” went on to say Miajairian.” “He is our strength when we are weak so rejoice in your weakness knowing our help comes from the Lord.” Produced by Jflow x The Audibles Audio: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mF92K8hNIjY&list=OLAK5uy_l1VLNu4uymNqYZ4BEwRETUYDFYfcRY3iY Stream/Purchase Connect with MIAJAIRIAN Icon-tiktok Twitter Youtube Instagram Facebook Soundcloud Spotify MIAJAIRAN Bio: Jairian is a hip-hop artist and songwriter from Las Vegas, NV. Jainrian brings a sense of realness and depth to his music. Creating his own sound that others can easily relate to. He experienced near death situations, drug addictions, depression, abuse, and more. Jai understands the struggle and heartache, which reflects in his music. Since he has been making music for the Father, Jairian says, "I found purpose in my life through the talents and gifts God entrusted to me. “I want to encourage and inspire others who are burdened and hurt by sharing testimonies and giving God glory, always pointing back to Jesus.” Having a desire to spread Gods love and gospel through song and word, ministering to broken hearts. Jairian is no newcomer when creating quality music and serving God. Being saved and finding a passion for music when he was eight, Jai has worked alongside credible producers, engineers, musicians, writers, and artists. Although, not much has been released. Jai has a catalog, including his official album, Dear America he is set to release by the end of 2023. With his heartfelt lyrics - transparency, and powerful story-telling songs, Miajairianwill bring a raw and relatable aspect to the Christian music industry. Share Facebook Twitter LinkedIn Pinterest Telegram Email Support Today Support the Ministry Support the Cause Contact Us ⬇️⬇️⬇️ TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. Submit Now Read the full article

0 notes

mariacallous · 2 years ago

Note

So Musk is promising not to cut 75% of twitter's staff, but of course he's a junkie liar so not buying anything he's saying rn

Facebook's Metaverse after billions of dollars of investment has... 36 regular users and Meta has lost a shit ton of money

so... whats next? I think it seems likely Zuck and Musk will kill their respective platforms through being not very smart and huge egos, I hope that someone will do something toward TikTok it being an evil CCP front operation, so what? will we all end up on YouTube and Link-in or is the next great platform coming? and god I just hope it's not Tumblr because while it is the best in terms of like what it can do and also in terms of still believing in user anonymity (not the company but the users still believe it) I shutter to think what the flood of twitter people would do

I mean, both are still pretty entrenched platforms and any death is unlikely to be quick or easy, barring extreme and bizarre circumstances. They all still earn millions/billions of dollars in revenue and are, for better or worse, not yet at a point where they can be easily extricated from their places in politics and culture and so forth. Plus instagram is part of Meta and that's still going fairly strong (and would and will benefit from any exodus from twitter).

That means that, in the case of Facebook/Meta for example, there's still time for shifts and readjustments, especially if the board and investors push for a different direction.

It's entirely normal and natural for platforms to rise up and become widely used and then die - in fact, what's been unusual is the staying power of Facebook and Twitter, and a sign of the lack of competition and regulatory oversight that would otherwise have existed and likely avoided some of the issue currently being faced.

There'll be other platforms, and there are plenty of twitter equivalents now (Telegram, Signal, WeChat, WhatsApp, and that's not even getting into the more right-wing side of things) and we'll likely see more of a collapse of some of these overarching megacorps (which is ironic considering the rate of consolidation the last few years) and other websites adapting and evolving beyond their current iterations.

I think if there is or will be a mass exodus (which is a big if) that a lot of people who come (or come back) to tumblr after twitter will likely end up back where they ended up previously, just because of a learning curve and comfort. Or they decide to go offline and do something in the real world.

3 notes · View notes

samshogwarts · 4 years ago

Text

My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be.

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble. And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean. Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me!

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you! Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness.

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more.

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people.

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me.

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys!

Love you all so much.

#My end of the year thank you #Personal #Ooc #My year 2020 #God my heart beating so fast #Don't know why but these post makes me nervous #Very personal #Cry counter while writing this: 4 #Yeah so adult xD #Like I care #Hope you all enjoyed the Christmas holidays #Love you all #Such a great community #Never saw this before #💙❤️💚💛

40 notes · View notes

moonwhisperdice · 5 years ago

Text

How to start making your own dice - Update!

Hello dice lovers! I have received questions recently on how to start making dice. While I am far from being an expert I can compile some of the information I have, so I have decided to make this post that I can link back to when I get questions of this kind. Making Molds 🎲 First thing first. You need molds! The best place I’ve seen on how to make dice molds is Die Würfelschmiede’s YouTube channel. He has a bunch of great dice making ‘How To’ videos. Including a video on how to make Squish Molds – which is the kind of mold I am currently using. A lot of dice makers I follow also use the Cut Mold technique which I plan on trying with my next molds. Die Würfelschmiede is basically my hero. Edit: I have found that squish molds leave a lot more clean up on the face of your dice (at least for me) so I’ve switched to Cut Molds. As far as supplies go, a lot of that depends on where you live and what you can get your hands on. However, I can list what I use so you have an idea of the basics you need to get started. Supplies for Molds:

A dice set to use as your master (I used a basic HD set)

Silicone*

Small plastic cups for the molds

Larger plastic cups to mix the silicon in

Non-Drying Molding Clay (this isn’t what I used but if I were to do it again I’d get something like this that didn’t have a color to it)

If you are making a two part mold (like the squish mold) you will also need some kind of rubber to rubber release.

Gloves

Goggles are also helpful. I wear glasses so I didn’t use goggles for this part, though I do use them for sanding dice.

*I have made molds using 2 different silicones. 1) Alumilite High Strength 3 which I like a lot because it makes really smooth surfaces on your die 2) Smooth On Sorta Clear 12 (the higher numbers will not be flexible enough) which is great because you can see through it to what you are making. Making Dice 🎲 Here is a video on pouring resin.

Supplies for Dice:

Resin – that’s the big one! It is what your dice will be made out of. There are lots of resins on the market, but after some research I landed on Resin Obsession Super Clear Resin. I’d love to know what other people use though.

Dye – unless you want just clear uncolored dice, you need some dye. Again Resin Obsession has some good dyes, you can get them in opaque and transparent. However, alcohol inks are also widely used and I’m getting more into them because there is such a variety! I have found there are two main brand (at least in my area), Time Holtz and Jacquard Piñata. So many pretty colors!

Mica Powders. This is another way to color your die. What you use really depends on the look you are going for. Mica powders are really pretty and shimmery.

Glitter. Who doesn’t like glitter dice? I’m still experimenting with how to use glitter without the glitter falling to the bottom while the resin is curing (I hear a faster curing resin helps, or waiting to add it till the last minute), but getting some extra fine glitter was a must for me.

Edit: Mylar flakes! These can be used in your resin or pressed to the side of the mold with a little resin before you pour your resin to get them placed near the surface.

Gloves!

Goggles

Scale (not a must if you measure super carefully, but I found it extremely useful and I don’t pour resin without it)

Stir sticks

Paper towels (resin gets sticky with water so you want to clean up by wiping. I use paper towels to wipe off my stir sticks and the tops of my resin bottles to keep them clean).

Honestly, there are so many things you can use to color and make dice, don’t let this list limit you! It is just to get you started. Other Tools/Those Dang Bubbles 🎲 Also, there are lots of other tools you can use when making dice, like a heating element to get rid of bubbles or a pressure pot if you are striving for perfection (this is on my wish list). The best thing you can do is just start watching videos about resin! You’ll find what works for you. Edit: I am casting new molds with my new pressure pot this weekend. I’ll make a post about that. Stay tuned! Here are some links about getting rid of bubbles – the bane of casting with risen.

8 Ways to Get Rid of Bubbles in Epoxy Resin

4 Easy Ways to Get Bubbles Out of Resin

Finishing Your Dice! 🎲

Once your dice are made you need to finish them. That means polishing and inking. This is the step I struggle most with so I’m just going to refer you back to Die Würfelschmiede’s Clean Up & Paint. A whole lot more could be said about this step, but it is my weakness right now. When I get better at it maybe I’ll come back and edit this post with more info. Edit: Polishing I start with 200 grit paper only for the spurs that need to be sanded off. This is after I’ve cut them off with a xacto knife. If you do this right after you release your dice from the mold your resin is a bit softer and it is easier to get the spur off. I wait a little longer to start polishing. To polish I move up to an 800 girt and just keep getting higher, finish off with some micro mesh to really get a glossy surface. It takes time and patience, turn on some Netflix and make an evening of it!

Xacto Knife

120 - 3000 Girt Sandpaper

Micromesh

Edit: Painting those numbers! I’ll be honest, this is my least favorite part. I’d rather polish for hours than this! lol. However, I have found a tool that make it easier. I use a very fine tip embossing tool, dip it in paint and run it over the numbers. You still have to have a paper towel handy to wipe off the excess. This is of course just a suggestion, you can find your own method as well. You can use any acrylic paint you like. I’m a sucker for the metallics.

Embossing Stylus

Paint

In Conclusion 🎲 Lastly, I recommend this Facebook Group - Dice Making Discoveries. It is a great resource and a place you can get advice, asks questions, and see what other dice makers are doing. Wheew! That’s a lot! I hope it is helpful. Any dice making gurus out there that want to add to this post are more than welcome to do so. Also, don’t forget to follow me on my NEW insta where you can see all my dice making adventures (and the misadventures too). 😊 MoonwhisperDice Thanks and happy dice making to you! Oh, and here is a new picture of some of my handmade dice to pay the dice tax for all that text.

#dice making #handmade dice #dice molds #dice #D&D #pathfinder #resin crafts #dice dice baby #Die Würfelschmiede #nerdy girl

4K notes · View notes

treadmilltreats · 3 days ago

Text

Waiting with bated breath

So after the longest 4 years of our lives, the day finally came yesterday when record-breaking people came out and got to vote.

It was amazing to see this as I believe it is our duty to vote. That many people that came before us, fought and died for this right and we should all vote in memory of them and their efforts.

I think it should be mandatory if you live in this country, that you must vote.

As it is in many other countries because they are serious about their voting as they should be but yet again we are behind everyone else.

All we can do is hope and pray that more people in America will vote for change, sick of the self-centered, narcissus that hasn't cared about our great country.

We may not learn of the final count today or even this week, so we will sit in front of our TVs or cell phones waiting for the answer.

This had to be the most important presidential election in history, whether we would look like the laughingstock of the world for the next four years again or not.

We do not have the answer yet….

Maybe this will show the younger generation what not to do, and to fix what we fucked up for them.

To truly make this world a better place…We can only hope.

And like I say at the end of every blog….

You can be the change you want to see….

"Be the change you want to see"

@TreadmillTreatsCheck out my daily blogs @ https://treadmilltreats.blogspot.com/?m=1

Www.treadmilltreats.com

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

https://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Disguise-Revealed-story-faith/dp/1074340493/ref=sr_1_19?keywords=the+blessing+in+disguise&qid=1561392004&s=books&sr=1-19

***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise

Selling on my website:

Http://www.treadmilltreats.com

And on Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_13?qid=1462358109&sr=1-13&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=the+blessing+in+Disguise

http://www.am6azon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?qid=1434452632&sr=8-12&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=the+Blessing+in+Disguise

My weekly Youtube page, please subscribe:

https://youtu.be/LDSXCFJVnzM

Http://www.treadmilltreats.com

Twitter: treadmill treats

Instagram: treadmilltreats

Facebook :treadmill treats

Http://Www.treadmilltreats.com

#treadmilltreats

#Theblessingindisguise

#blog

#blogger

#love

#instagram

#lifestyle

#blogging

#influencer

#bloggers

#bloggerlife

#Garyvee

#Jayshetty

#write

#writer

#motivationalspeaker

#motivation

#motivationalquotes

#motivational

#inspiration

#success

#quotes

#soulsisterssoulution

#NewYorktimesbestseller

#Oprah

#TylerPerry

#womens rights #please vote #world news

1 note · View note

thatmomentwhen345 · 4 years ago

Text

Ok ummmmmmmmmmmmmm

These last two weeks have been very emotionally exhausting because of finals and what I’m about to tell you and I don’t really know how to sum it up so I guess you’re getting the same treatment as my Facebook (this is copied directly from the post on there and was posted on December 12th for context)

(This is the beginning of the Facebook post)

You guys, I don’t know what to do.

You might have gathered from my last few posts, but I’m not okay. And it will sound like such a stupid reason to the majority of you. But I made an irreversible mistake back in 2019 that has been haunting me for the past week. This is the first time that I can remember regretting a decision this much. Was it my stubbornness, my closed-mindedness? Was it my see-it-to-believe-it tendencies? Was it my inability to learn from my mistakes?

For those who don’t know, on November 13th of this year, the YouTube channel Unus Annus was deleted from the platform forever. After one year of daily videos by Markiplier and CrankGameplays, it was all gone. The point of the channel was to remind us to use our time that we have alive wisely, because Memento Mori. Remember that you must die.

The channel started on November 15th of 2019, and, well, I don’t know anything about their beginnings. I just saw their introduction video in my recommended or on trending or something and thought, “Is that Markiplier? Shouldn’t he be focusing on his own channel? Who’s this other guy?” and moved on without a second thought. I occasionally saw their videos in the trending tab but ignored them. I didn’t even know they had such a big following. I thought it looked stupid and didn’t think about it until, well, the end.

A few weeks ago, my brother was watching the final livestream that would mark the day that the channel was deleted for good. I was in the room with the livestream on the TV, watching their final hours tick by, still not thinking about the channel at all. Just like, oh hey that thing that people were talking about, wasn’t it like, a cult? I didn’t think about it at all until... the fifth of December? Was it really only a week ago? That feels like a lifetime away now...

The YouTuber FootofaFerret released a video called “Pretending Unus Annus Isn’t Over” and I saw it in my reccomended. https://youtu.be/8SMpCbI9U00 I was like, hey, yeah, I remember that thing that ended. I trusted Foafy’s judgement because of his previous videos about saying goodbye to Steven Universe. So I watched it and don’t really remember how it made me feel. I just remember him saying that the Unus Annus fandom was in mourning and I was like “aw poor guys I’ve seen on TikTok some people are sad about it”. Foafy also suggested that people who were wanting more of the Unus Annus vibe to watch Mark’s Markiplier Makes playlist. I watched some of them and, again, moved on.

The timeline is fuzzy from here on. I’m still processing it, honestly. I think I might have looked up the Unus Annus theme (Turncoat by Michael Rothery) first? Then I think I found some compilations or clips from their videos and was like wow this stuff is funny. And then I realized that there are archived versions of all of their videos (that’s against the rules of Unus Annus for those who don’t know) and... don’t hate me... went looking for them. I watched two in full. I won’t say which two but just know that the second one I specifically searched out because I knew that they did a lot of random stuff on there and that there was a chance that they would do it too. And they did! It was a funny video. I realized how much of a fun dynamic that Ethan and Mark had and looked for more compilations. The more I watched, the more I realized that I had made a terrible mistake in 2019.

I had missed out on so much. And I couldn’t take it back without breaking the rules. The concept of Unus Annus intrigued me so much, all of the people involved on the channel worked so well together, they were all so funny, but now I could never experience it in full because I was stubborn and, well, thinking about other things this year. I could have jumped in at any point between then and November 13th of this year but I chose not to.

Monday was a rollercoaster. 1st stage: denial. I was like well this doesn’t matter, I’m not even in the UA fandom, it’s gone and I don’t care. But it wasn’t that simple of course. I kept watching the Markiplier Makes videos and the UA compilations and became particularly interested in Ethan. He seemed very genuine and sensitive and his on-camera chemistry with Mark was really entertaining. 2nd stage: anger. I was furious at myself for missing out. Those two videos I watched in full were just small teasers for what the entire channel was like. I hated that I couldn’t take it back. And I hated that if I did, I would’ve broken the rules and gone against Mark and Ethan’s wishes, which I also wouldn’t be able to take back. I was horribly conflicted. 3rd stage: bargaining. I desperately went after any content surrounding Unus Annus that I could without breaking the rules, and was still considering watching the illegal archives. I haven’t watched any more of them in full, but sometimes I watch parts of them in incognito mode when it becomes too much to bear.

Tuesday was... Tuesday had to have been the longest day I’ve had the entire year. 4th stage: depression. It was slowly sinking in, the gravity of my mistake. I was starting to realize how much of a phenomenon Unus Annus was and that it was so unique and had such a cool message and that it made so many peoples’ 2020 just a little bit better, but not mine. I then did what I always do and found my comfort in music. I put on a bunch of good songs that I hadn’t heard in a while and just... sat there painstakingly doing my math homework. I couldn’t concentrate on anything the whole day. Monday, either. The song Goodbye to a World by Porter Robinson came on and I was like hey, this song perfectly suits the way I’m feeling right now. I wondered if anyone else had made connections between this song and Unus Annus and looked to see if there had been any AMVs (animated music videos) about the idea and the end of UA. Lo and behold, this popped up and I watched it! https://youtu.be/-q-oByQWdlM It hit all the right spots and I just started bawling. What had I done? Why had I missed this opportunity to improve my 2020, just a little bit? Why had I missed this opportunity to get to know Mark and Ethan better? Everyone who had watched all of their videos could feel peace after the end, like Mark and Ethan. But I couldn’t. I could only forever regret my mistake. MY mistake.

Terrible things have happened this year, but all of them have been out of my control. This, however, was my fault. And I can never take it back. And I am having a very hard time handling that.

I don't know how many times I cried on Tuesday. The next song to come on after I watched the AMV was As the World Caves In by Matt Maltese which of course broke me even further. This song also perfectly encapsulated my dilemma. Later I finished my tribute drawing of the channel logo and felt the smallest bit better. The rest of the day is a blur.

Wednesday was better, I guess? I thought I had made it to the 5th stage: acceptance. I was still very sad and mad at myself but I was starting to realize that there was nothing I could do. I subscribed to Ethan’s channel and started getting to know him better. He’s so sweet and talented ☺️

But no, acceptance is still far away. Thursday and Friday were barely better than Tuesday. I painted my nails black and white as a way of coping. I went to a livestream on Ethan’s Twitch and it was really fun! I started watching more of his streams and on one of them he mentioned that his Twitch chat mods had TikToks. So I wondered if he also had a TikTok, which he does! I looked to see if he posted one on the day UA ended. The answer was no but he did post one the day after asking if someone with the skills required could make a mashup of the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance and As the World Caves In. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqgyrkR/ I was like wowie this guys got taste! And so I looked up if there was a mashup. As a matter of fact, there was one by Clem Turner on YouTube that came out only three days after the end of Unus Annus. https://youtu.be/a5RTVoreSAY I cannot express how much I love this, what it made me feel, and how much it hurt/helped. So I commented on Ethan’s TikTok about it and only a few hours later a new comment appeared on Clem’s video. Ethan had seen it! So I’m just gonna assume I was responsible for that... not only that but half of the comments on the mashup were about Unus Annus as you can see below. I realized how big of a following UA had and felt bad (because of course the people who had actually been with UA the whole way would be grieving a lot more than me), but also, comforted by the fact we could all connect over the loss of something important to them, if in a lot of different ways.

I’m far from getting over this. I’m far from being okay. I’ve never really felt like this before. I feel like a different person than I was last week. But I wanted to write all this down to let it out, process it a little bit, and maybe get some comfort from you guys. It’s completely understandable if you didn’t read this all the way through so...

TLDR: Memento Mori.

(This is the end of the Facebook post)

What I just described really shifted a lot of things in my head in a way I didn’t expect and in a very short amount of time. So, long story short, my Steven Universe hyperfixation ended very suddenly because of an outside factor and I probably won’t be posting a lot about it anymore. Hope you understand.

(art by me but I used the official UA logo as a reference)

#personal #long post #my art #please read if you are wondering about the change of atmosphere

30 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 3 years ago

Text

1279

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? I don’t keep contact.

Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? Hmmmm, I don’t think so. I feel like that would be the type of comment that would get to me so I definitely would’ve remembered it.

Would you get a lip piercing? I don’t plan on getting any piercings.

Nose piercing? Nopes.

What are you currently waiting for? For this fucking day to end so I can be closer to Thursday and to the weekend.

Do you have feelings for anyone? Nah.

Have you ever run over an animal? Nope. I’ve had extremely close calls with animals who suddenly dart into the road, but fortunately these have all been situations wherein I got to hit the brakes with nobody behind me.

Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? That’s disgusting, no.

When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’? Sure, out of habit and just to be polite.

When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? I don’t think I’ve ever been on a bouncy castle, but I’ve been on a lot of bouncy other things haha, like inflatable slides, soccer balls, Anpanmans, etc. The last time would probably be a nearly a decade ago; I definitely haven’t been near one in a while.

Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? Well no, because the ones I’ve been on were situated in school fairs, which is the last place I would want to be drunk in.

Have you ever entered an art competition? No, I have no justification to join one haha.

What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. < Same.

What is one food that you detest? Pineapples.

Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Yeah I was a bit of a handful to raise, but I’m in firm in my stance that it had a lot to do with the way I was raised. I grew up mostly without a father figure because my dad worked abroad and I felt neglected by my mom who had her own shit to deal with. There was no stable support system to lean on, so I ended up lashing out a lot in my puberty years. Unfortunately everyone else just saw a rebellious child and not a plea for help.

These days when I show off my achievements on social media, I’ll see congratulatory comments from my mom’s friends and she’ll usually go on about some “late bloomers grow with time” narrative and it pisses me off because nobody knows how much I’ve had to grow and mature and learn how to be happier all by myself, all from scratch. If I had just received the proper care and attention early on, I wouldn’t have had to do any catching up to begin with.

What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic.

Are you still that religion? Jesus no. I darted out of there as soon as I gained the consciousness to think about these sorts of things.

Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Sometimes, but I do my best to not let it get to me.

How many friends do you have on Facebook? Over 670.

What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? I started with punk rock in the first half of high school, so I had my Rancids, H2Os, Against Me!s, Cro-Mags, etc on my iPod. It evolved a little bit towards more indie, folksy sounds towards the latter half - Banks, alt-J, Hozier, Twenty One Pilots - which I largely attribute to the crowd I was part of at the time.

What pet names do you use with your significant other? I’m pretty straightforward so baby works out for me. Other, more specific pet names just grow naturally with the relationship, I think.

What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? S&R.

Have you ever seen a theatre show? Yeah. Most of them have been required.

What’s your favourite vegetable? Broccoli or bell peppers.

Have you ever missed a flight? Never. I’ve experienced several delayed flights, though, which is always such a hassle especially if the delays happen in provincial airports since they never have any recreational offers to keep passengers from getting bored other than TVs that run the same damn five ads.

Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? Yeah, a lot of have dogs. I’ve met some.

What color is your bedroom door? Brown.

If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans? Only towards obsessive ones who wouldn’t give me time to breathe or would go so far so as to stalk me or my loved ones. But I am a fan too, so I imagine I would actually be understanding of those who would ask for pictures or whatever as long as they were polite and not at all intrusive.

Have you ever met your favourite band/singer? Nah. I am terrified of meeting celebrities HAHA so I’ve always shut down the chance. I’m pretty sure I would actually turn down the chance to meet BTS if I hypothetically suddenly got the magic keys to that door.

Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like? No. I feel like that sort of thing just happens in like high school, when your friends are still a bit judgmental. Nowadays I don’t see why I should be embarrassed of anything I like, especially if it’s not hurting anyone.

Have you ever written a story? I’ve made attempts but was always terrible.

Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it? My homework that required me to write said poem hahaha.

Do you have a chance with the person you like right now?

What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child? Watching commercials at night. It’s still a slight fear of mine but it’s mostly dissipated now.

Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you? About me? No. I don’t have a lot of those since I was a really shy kid who barely moved a finger anyway.

In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show? I have a *really* soft spot for Perfect Strangers, which I actually revisited yesterday :) The show was never super popular so it’s near impossible to find clips online, but when I checked YouTube I did see a slight increase in short snippets from the show so I had a really fun time binge-watching yesterday.

What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have? Three, but that’s pushing it. Ideally, I’d have two so my first would have company.

Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness? Mental ones, yes.

Are you comfortable with who you are? For the most part, yes.

Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it? No. Why would it be any of their business?

Does popularity matter to you at all? I mean, yeah in the sense that I honestly aspire to be well-liked by as many people as possible. But I don’t necessarily want to rub shoulders with popular kids.

Would you ever consider homeschooling your children? Continued from sometime this week ider. No. I don’t think I’m capable of teaching, and generally I’d want them to be able to learn in a more open environment where they can have regular contact with different kinds of people.

Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to? Well Angela got into them first and since we’re best friends, there was a certain point where she just decided to loop me into conversations that involved them. I was impossible to sway for a long time, but then one day a video compilation of them showed up on my feed, and for some reason I actually watched it, and I watched all the way through, and I was immediately intrigued – particularly by J-Hope haha. I then asked Angela to tell me more about them and the rest was...financially irresponsible history HAHAHAHA

Do you ever read fanfiction? OMG yes. Funny you should mention that because my favorite author uploaded a brand new fic this morning, which I obviously couldn’t get to all day because I had to go to work. I’ll be reading it in all its 44,000-word glory tonight :D

Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire? Plane crash. Instant and mostly painless.

What are your top five favourite TV shows? Breaking Bad, BoJack Horseman, Friends, The Crown even though I was never able to continue it since...andddd that’s all I got.

What is your favorite superhero movie? Not a fan of superhero movies.

If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Stress from overworking. I’ve FINALLY started to consider taking a leave for the first time this year because I’ve just realized just how fucking exhausted, burned out, and overwhelmed I actually already am from having no rest at all in the last 13 months.

Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why? Yes, I do mass deactivations when I’m severely depressed. These days I can’t really afford to that anymore, though, since my work is closely tied to social media.

Who is the most talented person you know? Probably Andi.

Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with? No.

Where did you and your current interest go on your first date?

Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened? Nah. I’ve had two people like me at the same time, but there was never any tension to watch out for since they mostly didn’t know each other.

Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened? I think they know I dated Gabie and that we broke up because they’ve stopped asking about her. Everyone knew we were best friends, so the fact that they’ve avoided her as a topic for a whole year is able to tell me something.

Are your parents more liberal or conservative? Dad’s on the liberal side, mom dances around on the spectrum a little bit. I know she’s fine with things like tattoos and having LGBTQ+ co-workers, but she’s also conservative especially towards matters like religion.

What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year? No longer in school.

How far away does your closest family member live? A few footsteps away.

If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland? It’s not my type of movie/genre to begin with.

Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not? Yes. I don’t see the big deal; I’ve already done it anyway.

Are you more liberal or conservative? Liberal.

Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? Ooh not sure. I haven’t gone back to the books in a while, so I don’t remember if there was anyone I had an attachment to.

What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry? Nothing.

What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done? Had sex...I guess? And a bunch of stuff that comes with it.

Name something that you are against. Racial discrimination.

Why are you against it? Because it is infuriating to see, and it shows me the very same treatment can happen to me or my family as well and that scares me, especially since some people turn particularly violent towards people of color.

Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games? No.

Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy? I imagine I wouldn’t enjoy it if I’m not as into whoever my next partner would be.

Beatles or Rolling Stones? I don’t listen to either.

When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody? Not so sure about a whole change in opinion because that hasn’t happened in a while, but I grew more grateful for my manager today because I finally mustered the strength to tell her that I’m begin to struggle mentally with work and she not only encouraged (read: begged) me to file a damn leave for once, but she also got sushi delivered to my place.

What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why? Andi was telling me about their day today and how they handled being misgendered by a prof, who then proceeded to throw a fit when he got corrected, and how they, again, maturely handled said fit. I was proud of them because there are a million ways that incident could’ve turned out, but they dealt with it in an extremely mature and calm manner considering they were the one who was wronged.

Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? If it was about an extremely personal problem I would probably be taken aback at first, but I still would definitely make some time for them and help in however way I can, since they apparently trust me enough to confide.

What was the last thing to fascinate you? The music video for My Universe! Super cool to watch and I love that they made a short film out of it too.

Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you? Doors being slammed shut, because that’s what my mom does when she’s furious. She did that when I was a kid and she does it to this day, so I get extremely nervous when I hear the sound, even if it happens by accident.

Do you have a favourite microorganism? Nope.

Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next? My cousin Bree.

If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? I did when I had them as a kid.

Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Yes?

Have you ever owned chickens? Nope.

When did you last listen to music? Like five minutes ago. I tried to have a jazz playlist on but I realized I wasn’t in the mood for music so I changed my background noise to have a random VLive on instead.

#surveys #survey

4 notes · View notes