#i honestly feel like this sucks but idrc at this point

[cosmicdream222]

sorry to be morbid again but do you think we can manifest passing away early? im honestly past the point of wanting to exist and just want to get over this thing that im supposed to be a successful person but im not so idrc if i do or dont live

so many ppl on tarot related blogs ask about their fs but if we dont meet them does it matter and would they just move on with their life? like i think u have to have ur life put together but its genuinely so hard to do these days so i hope my fs wont be sad at all when i die cause i wouldnt be able to make tnem truly happy anyway cause im not happy myself with how things have been

ideally i wouldve done something in a sport or music but that ship sailed long ago and now im so stuck but id hate to be reliant on someone else and i shouldve moved out into my own place but housing is ridiculously expensive where im from and taxes dont help anyone. it takes years and years to pick up a talent so i have wasted those years and ik im just going to struggle to get past 50 if i were to have my own place bc minimum wage jobs suck arse and i dont want to be doinng something lame not that its lame for others to do it, its just not what i wanted to have done at all

you cant even get a degree without needing to fork out hundreds and thousands so yeah none of its easy and sure you can try subliminals but lets face it the systemn we are in is fucked up big time so rn i cant even bother with daydream about how it could have been or the what ifs i had done smth differently or if i had any talent but then theres still the, im too old and too foreign to do any sort of music as most successful groups nowadays are korean and even if i tried to do what they did it would probs end up killing me some way or other

its just either about having to be wealthy or having some type of talent both of which id fail at anyway as i shouldve done it years ago like a normal person who goes from being so so at something to being great at something.

i truly think i was born in wrong generation or i just shouldnt have been born at all then i wouldnt have to fret constantly abt these types of things. i think if the government genuinely sorted shit out for once and helped society ppl would be happier to work for less but im not happy at all with the current state of things. i feel guilty for existing and i hate it sm like god just let me end my life pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee there is nothing worthwhile in store, ik we could try shifting subliminals but have those genuinely worked? like u exit this reality and straight into the one you wanted originally? but then i might as well just pass away cause id have to know what i want in another reality

My dude, take a deep breath. You’ve ranted about all this same exact stuff a bunch of times now and I’m just gonna repeat the same thing I said to you last time:

All of that stuff you mentioned about your current reality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. It does not matter what you’ve done in the past. The economy does not matter. Your present circumstances do not matter.

I’ll add to that: Whatever some tarot reader or TikTok psychic says definitely does not matter. Idk what fs means but I’m guessing something like a twin flame and that is especially 1000% bullshit.

The spiritual community has created an incredible amount of false narratives to make excuses and blame outside forces for why things aren’t going their way. None of it is real. Seriously forget everything you learned about fate, karma, astrology, or anything else that’s saying something else is in control. Reality is an illusion. YOU are in control.

You don’t have to identify with any old bullshit anymore. Stop repeating the old story and think about what you do want. You can have literally ANYTHING! You say you don’t know what you want, ok, but you know what you don’t want, right?

I don’t want to work -> I want to live in a reality where I don’t have to work.

There, you just figured out something you want! It’s that simple.

I totally agree that this society is a horrific shitshow and I don’t want to be aware of it anymore either. But it’s just one version of reality available. It’s not the only reality and it’s not the original reality. You don’t have to be aware of it anymore if you don’t want to be.

You also don’t have to involve death at all. There’s a lot of misconception in the shifting world which has lead to concepts like “permashifting” and “respawning”, but those just all assume this current reality is the original one. It’s not.

Have you watched The Matrix? It’s really more like a documentary than science fiction lol. Just like in the movie, we are being tricked by a simulated virtual reality, controlled by a society that’s using us for our energy. Just think of reality as an escape room. We’re escaping the Matrix. Once you figure out how to leave, you don’t ever have to go back. There are infinite realities available to you, and none are more real or right or original than any others. Remember, death is not an ultimate, nor does it exist in all realities.

I am scripting a utopian reality with my best friend where there is no death, aging, or illness. Everyone is a master manifestor so they always get whatever they want. Nobody has to work and there isn’t even a need for money because we can manifest anything instantly. We can just relax and get massages all day. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and abundance. Animals are treated as equals to humans, we can all communicate with each other, and we can all fly and teleport. Because why the f not? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

And if you really don’t want to exist (I’m guessing that other ask from a couple weeks ago is you too lol) you don’t have to exist in this reality, or any other. Removing your awareness from all physical reality is known as entering the void. You exist there as pure consciousness, and you can stay there as long as you like. It is you as your highest self. There’s nothing negative about it.

As for the whole subliminal thing, shifting subliminals are just one method. Shifting = manifesting = deciding what you want and experiencing it. It’s something we are always doing and is available to all of us. You don’t need any methods to shift besides intention. We just use methods to convince/calm the annoying human brain that is programmed with society’s limits.

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

I noticed earlier you posted and stuff. I was mid-writing, but I just wanted to make sure you were ok. (Now finished and my brain literally wants to go jump into cold water and lowkey drown-) Honestly, I can understand the point of how you can feel like based on a fic. Honestly, who hasn't felt it as a writer? And the fact that shit we like/are passionate abt becomes a flop. It's confusing, 'cause writing should be full of you being passionate, but instead, it's basically getting slapped in the face like:

"Bitch, what is this?" "Me liking smth a lot? Me enjoying writing this?" "Ew." 38 likes.

Literally, it feels like that at points. Sometimes it feels like you shouldn't even feel passionate to write if you're gonna literally get 20 - 50 likes you wrote about 4k words on. Or that nobody even tries to socialize with you. I thought I'd at least get one ask already abt SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I'm still waiting, even with 100 followers now. I know, that's like high expectations, but now I don't honestly care abt it.

Sometimes I hate the fact I have to sexualize Leon in certain ways to be liked. I literally hate Respect Your Elders sm, you don't even understand. Yes, it feels like him, but at the same time, I look at it and feel disgusted. I know, basically started writing two-ish weeks ago, but I'm already getting into the mindset of looking at my past writing and going "icky". I honestly feel pressured to write like others and it sucks. It's a never-ending cycle for certain feelings, and it's so bfcuiewsdjkcnx!? LIKE, WHY CAN'T I ENJOY IT!?

But, in the end, sooner than later... You will be able to grow a small following. Looking at people like thevirgincherry, nexysworld, or explorevenus honestly inspires me. I know it might not inspire you, but honestly, write whatever you want. It's hard to break the mindset of likes/reblogs/interacting = worth. I still have yet to break that cycle, but slowly it's getting broken.

And no, it isn't exactly your period talking for you. Ok, maybe but mostly no. You're being honest about how you feel, and that's honestly valued by a lot of people. It may not seem like it at this point in time, but it feels human. It's a small thing people value a LOT. I know this may not exactly help you or exactly do whatever you wanted it to do. I'm just happy I can relate to someone about this.

About the commission part too, btw, I understand that. Honestly, I don't want to do commissions, but I can understand why a lot of people do it. To know someone actually LIKES your writing, like they get up, EXCITED, happy, WHATEVER! Literally fills every single writer with joy. Sure, you may not be getting vocal support, but I know without a doubt someone would smile, or their day gets brightened because you posted.

I just wanted to send smth in case you still felt bad! Idrc if you delete/post/answer/privately answer sooooo. But I hope you feel slightly better reading this!

(Tumblr pls send this mf I sat here for abt 10 min.)

thank you for sending this! (it kinda was my period tho lol i just started crying ab nothing) i'm totally fine, i am just sometimes cringe and not in the cute and quirky way. i need to learn to be normal about posting my writing. usually, i don't like the things that i write, but w/ daddy all along it's such a personal thing and i also enjoyed writing and like the finished product, so i care too much about what everyone thinks of it. and i don't care about fame or money, but i do want friends :( i want people to talk to about stuff, y'know? and one day (once i get better at writing lol) i want to be someone's favorite writer, i want someone to cry while they're reading my stuff, i want someone to beg me for updates. i've read certain fics that have made me audibly sob and i wish i could write that well. there's a fic that i've been reading that i love so much and i check my email all the time hoping it'll be updated. i have my fave fics downloaded to my computer so i can highlight the parts i like. one fanfic inspired me to write fanfiction and actually post it. like i'm in awe of some people. so, i put dual emphasis on everything. obv most of my works are smut so i don't expect them to emotionally affect people but i was crying while i wrote the ending of daddy all along so i want it to be emotionally evocative ig but yeah, i seek both to be liked as a person and for my writing to be liked and i just need to chill sometimes.

<3

[pupyr0arz]

Hi, are you planning on writing anything with gaz?

Ummm I’m not going to say anything final but it’s not in my current plans. I might get back to it buuut

honestly here’s js my opinions on cod sorry for yapping

Honestly most of my interest in cod was abt roach & the fanon meta narrative bc that’s an interesting character. I couldn’t care less abt canon in any way and idrc abt the characters as anything more than OCified stand ins which makes it hard to gaf abt writing it. It was kind of fun & an easy way to get back into writing but I don’t have any deeper feelings abt them so my other interests r way more appealing also cod fanfic is sooo samey. It feels like I’m reading & writing the exact same shit as anyone else 😭 ik yall like some of my stuff but it’s rlly js basic kink content with a recognizable name & I know 100% it’s not even original which sucks!! I dont think anything ive written for cod is anything but derivative. The longer bits I’ve written have stalled bc I don’t care abt the characters meanwhile I’ve posted like 25k of other stuff that I would rather get back to

also I js don’t like writing for massive fanbases when I have a lot of obscure interests I have 0 content for. I feel really bored by cod. It’s one unique ish thing is the military aspect which I have 0 interest in engaging w so like what’s the point. I’m not even rlly into most of the porn I’m going to be honest not to side eye but god these dynamics don’t even have salt some of it is saved 100% by bare quality of writing.

as for me I think it’s bad for me to continue how I was. I learned some good lessons from it but I stopp3d writing half bc I got super ill and half bc I felt soooo stagnant. Like I would js be unable to write anything but a couple hundred words in a straight shot & i feel/felt like I was putting no effort into anything which sucks. I have no real thoughts abt any of my cod snippets bc they’re js snips of whatever I threw together js to post. & I’m glad I got past my fic posting anxiety and I can do things more fast & loose but I actually want to lock in and write not just play porn scrabble.

I don’t like leaving things unfinished so I won’t say no I’ll never ever write cod content again but I’m definitely v bored of it & I want to write what I like & characters im actually passionate about instead of sexy cardboard cutout #4 or we. Im finally engaging w things and writing and drawing more & want to return to being a freak abt weirdos ^_^ I want to get back to posting my interests yk

I’m still into things I posted & all I’m js moving fandoms I guess. Catch me wheres there’s erotic cannibalistic obsession queerbait

[alternateanonymous]

Today I feel ok, I did an impulsive thing last nite which was texting like literally everyone but it was nice. Very nice, maybe I've downplayed myself n stuff but idrc. I'm sitting eating mall Chinese food drinking arizona green tea after I've just dropped bank on x mas gifts. Damn man, lol. Butttt yea so it's good. With Stefan, I really hope he gives me a little patience because honestly idfk dude. Ugh, I'm like right there and he hasn't had time to see that, but it'll rly suck man. That's why I haven't bought him anything yet for x mas cuz who tf knows at this point lol. I reached out to try n Justin lol. Trey is being nice n civil and so is Justin so that's nice. Ugh. Friend group falling apart, relario ship falling apart, family concerned it's fuckung gay. Like very gay I don't like it. Lol, I just wanna be happy and be myself. Trying to be lol, I just need support tho. Ik I'm getting it but they need to be patient with me lol. Idk well c man. Wish me luck!

- mags

[sonybees]

harry potter characters first date/first kiss

includes: harry, ron, george, and fred

warnings: food mention, there are a couple parts wherein i typed some stuff in all caps, kissing, my suckish writing. that’s all, i think, let me know if i should add any more :)

a/n: hello!!! i am very bored and this idea just came to me so we’ll be doing some preferences/headcanons for first dates with the harry potter characters! idk if i’ll do well on this one but i’ll tryehd. i also tried to make it gender neutral so if i made any mistake on that, let me know :) i did not proofread this so i’m sorry if it sucksjsn. anyways here we go!

Harry

- i have a feeling that he’d just bring you to the three broomsticks and treat you with a lil butterbeer and some snacks!

- it’ll probably be a bit awkward at first but you guys start warming up to each other and keep talking about random stuff like school, quidditch and so on.

- there were also A LOT of stolen glances

- and the look in your eyes, them lips, and back to your eyes? it did not go unnoticed. you both really wanted to kiss each other trust me

- you guys will be so caught up in the conversation that you lost track of time and saw later on that it was very late already.

- he offers to walk you back to your dorms and of course you accepted

- you walked in a comfortable silence until you reached your dorms or outside your common room

- you hugged each other goodbye and stared into each other’s eyes before snapping out of it

- harry turned around to walk back to his dorms and you sighed as you turned to your door

- that was until, you decided to run up to him and do your thing. you had fun with him tonight and found out about all your differences and similarities. you fell for him.

- you ran up to him, grabbed his face and pulled him to a kiss. he was shocked and freezed for a moment before pulling you in by your waist and kissing you deeply.

- man, oh man. this guy’s as red as his best friend’s hair.

- “oh- uh wow. okay.”

- you both laughed and ended up cuddling with each other in the gryffindor common room :)

Ron

- he wouldn’t really know where to bring you at first so he asked hermione for some help

- she suggested for you guys to go to hogsmeade and he thought it was a great idea

- he was a bit nervous at first and his ears were very red but you thought it was adorable

- you guys didn’t really know where to go to at first but you decided to go for some ice cream and so, you did.

- at florean fortescue’s ice cream parlor, sat two lovebirds, y/n and ron 🥰

- you guys would laugh about anything and everything. literally like anything.

- you saw someone’s sling bag moving around and jumping everywhere on it’s own, bringing the person with it and you guys found it hard not to laugh but you eventually felt bad for them and helped them ‘cause y’all are good people 😌

- after ice cream, you guys really just went around.

- you went to the three broomsticks (more food yay!! sjsj), honeydukes, and even zonkos.

- though, much to ron’s dismay, george and fred were there and oh the teasing

- “ooooo, little ickle ronnikins got himself a date.”

- “how’s it going? did he embarass himself yet?”

- “did you snog yet?”

- you both blushed so very hard at this statement

- ron literally smacked both of them turned to you, asking if you wanted to leave the place

- you chuckled and nodded

- you guys went close to the shrieking shack, just staring at it and examining it.

- you guys had sweet short conversations about who knows what until a silence went through both of you

- the only things you could hear were the sound of the wind and a few chatters from the people at the back

- ron gathered all his courage and looked at you

- “can i kiss you?” he asked suddenly, leaving you surprised

- “well, i mean, it’s alright if you don’t want to, that was just- i don’t know- okay that was creepy now that i thin-“

- you grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him to you. you kissed him so passionately and this guy just stood there until he processed what was happening

- you guys pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes

- “of course i want to kiss you.”

- you both smiled wide until you heard familiar voices shouting from the back

- “WOHOOOO RONNY FINALLY HAD HIS FIRST KISS!”

- “WAY TO GO RON, YOU GOT A GOOD ONE”

- you guys laughed and were all flustered please y’all were just standing therekdjjd

- you looked into each other’s eyes once again but you felt something drip down on your head.

- rain.

- you guys ran to the nearest shelter and held on to each other, laughing. it was something you’ll never forget.

George

- honestly feel like he’d panicsjjs

- like he wouldn’t really know what to do so he asks for help from ginny. luna volunteered to help as well :)

- they planned a little picnic date for you two in the quidditch pitch

- you guys had a bunch of snacks, drinks and all the goodies

- at one point, you guys flew on broomsticks together around the pitch and just screaming your lungs out

- it was fun.

- you listened to some music using a little record player he brought and there were so many good ones

- one song you guys absolutely loved though was “just the two of us” by grover washington

- he took your hand and danced with you and huge grins were plastered upon both your faces

- he suddenly stopped and looked into your eyes, doen to your lips and back to your eyes

- you both leaned in

- your stomach was filled with so many butterflies as you leaned-

- “GEORGE! PUT ME DOWN!”

- “NEVER!”

- this man had the audacity to carry you over his shoulder just as you were about to kiss 😒

- you guys ran around the pitch laughing hysterically

- like literally everyone in the gryffindor common room can hear you screaming laughingdjdu

- he finally put you down, trying to calm down and fix his breathing. you tried to as well

- you two finally calmed down and once again, looked into each other’s eyes

- this time it happened, i promise

- man, your heart was filled with so much joy and so was his

- you guys stargazed when it finally turned night time

- your head was laid on his lap and his hands were on his head as you both were looking up to the beautiful night sky

- you both talked about who knows what til you fell asleep.

- he didn’t mind, he thought you were adorable

- he brought you to your dorm room and laid you down.

- “sleep tight, beautiful.” he said as he leaned down to kiss your forehead

Fred (let’s assume you’re a muggleborn/half blood for this one)

- i feel his would be kind of? spontaneous but it still went very well

- at the great hall, he sent you a note telling you to meet him at “4 pm, quidditch pitch. today. see you there ;)”

- you looked back up at him to see him winking at you and you just laughed

- later that afternoon, you sat at the empty bleachers and just sat there, waiting patiently for freddie to come and meet you

- he arrived a few minutes later on his quidditch broom

- “cmon y/l/n, hop on.”

- he lowered down his broom close to you so that you could get on

- “what? hop on? what do you mean hop on?”

- “we’re going for a joy ride, love.”

- he sent you a wink and oh my gosh you were flustered which was a rare occurrence for you

- “joy ride? to where?”

- “the muggle world.”

- that cheeky grin still on his face

- “wait. what if we get caught- i don’t wan-“

- “we won’t. i promise you. now, stop asking so many questions and hop on.”

- you sighed and smiled an finally joined him

- you’d never admit it to him but you were pretty excited

- he’d never admit to you either the fact that he loved the feeling your head resting on his back

- anyways, back to the date

- you guys arrived at this really tall huilding and landed there

- “fred, i told you, people will see us. stop playing around.”

- this guy just laughed at you and found your anger cute for some reasonsjs

- you were scolding him ‘cause you almost got caught so many timesidjd

- but yk you couldn’t really stay mad at him

- you went down to the streets but you left his broom there on the building

- you went to so many places

- you guys went to a couple stores, even shopping ones

- you never really bought anything though lmfao

- you stumbled across a 7/11 as well and bought a few slushies

- by a few i mean 5 for each of you

- yeah, it seems like too much but you guys didn’t really care at the moment

- plus they tasted great

- you guys walked around more and found a cute little cafe

- fred didn’t really wanna go in at first but he saw how much you wanted to so he agreed

- there was a little stage on there with some instruments and a microphone

- yeah, he did.

- this guy went on that stage and rocked his heart out

- everyone loved it honestly

- and you were trying so hard not to laugh ‘cause he looked so adorably stupid

- he had a lot of fun

- next stop, a drive thru cinema

- okay, you guys don’t have cars but that didn’t stop you two

- you both sat in the middle front on the ground

- a cheesy rom com movie came on

- fred groaned and the other people shushed him and you laughed

- at one point, you put your head on his shoulder and he leaned his head on yours

- oh it was adorable

- you guys didn’t actually pay much attention to the movie, honestly

- you were both messing around, trying not to get in trouble and holding in your laughs as best as you can

- then, as you watched the movie

- the main characters finally kissed

- and fred decided that it was now or never

- he looked at you and grabbed your chin gently

- you looked at him and both of you immediately felt weak

- you were so beautiful under the moonlight

- your eyes sparkled like the stars

- his hair was a mess but you found it adorable (and attractive)

- his eyes were soft as he stared into yours

- and both of you leaned in

- it felt like a bunch of fireworks bursted in your chest

- you both smiled into the kiss

- and the people watching the movie clapped their hands

- they weren’t clapping at the movie, they were clapping for both of you

- “thank you, thank you! now, y/n y/l/n, will you take the honor of being the person i promise to take care of til the end of time? in short, be my dear significant other?”

- he leaned on one knee as he said this

- you tried to restrain yourself from smiling so hard but you failed

- “gladly.”

- everyone burst into cheers once again and fred carried, spun you around and kissed you again

- you loved it so much

- you both left the place holding hands, laughing and smiling because you both couldn’t really hold it in anymore

- you went back up to the building and flew back to hogwarts.

- he brought you to your dorm and kissed you goodnight

- “goodnight, beautiful .”

- “goodnight, handsome.”

- that was a night you will never forget

(i got a little carried away on this one, i just love the idea. let’s also pretend that no one noticed at all that two kids were flying on a broomstick, thanksushdjd)

ending a/n: i hope you all enjoyed this! i hope it wasn’t bad lmfaosjjd. i wanted to try something like this so here it is :) have a great day, everyone!!!

[quindolyn]

ok so raid and i have this 'arrangement' (i didnt exactly agree to it bc i love denial but im never gonna tell him that) where, no matter the place, time or people around us, if he asks me to get on my knees and blow i do it without question.

i am normally very open to this, bc humiliation is the b i g g e s t kink of mine, and i love the thought of nearly getting caught and stuff, same with raid, but like two - three weeks ago, i did it without him asking.

imagine this (if u wish). raid and i sitting there on the couch, watching criminal minds bc it was my night to choose the show while his parents were out on a date. his dickhead friend shows up, out of absolute nowhere! and just waltz's in like he owns the place. idgaf if raid shows this to him or not, but the dickhead friends name is shawn so we gonna call him shawn.

shawn walks in like he owns the place, pats raid on the shoulder and walks straight past the both of us into the kitchen and grabs my dr pepper from the fridge. i don't drink soda, of any kind other than dr pepper bc i like being a pain in the ass ofc, so when this dickhead takes the last. fucking. bottle. i nearly crack.

remember the whole thigh incident? all his friends were playfully teasing me, as friends do. they dropped it after like a day, and haven't talked about it since. but shawn, even though he wasn't freaking there, still decides to bring it up whenever he feels i have the upper hand. he is s u c h a fucking dickhead honestly i hate him so much it hurts.

but anywaysss, shawn sits down on the armchair and sips away at my dr pepper. my eye twitches, but i ignore him bc i know if i feed into it ill just end up crying to raid later about it when i get so frustrated. the episode continues, spencer looks hot asf as usual and i carefully point that out to raid, who just laughs and moans on about jj (shes hot too tho so idrc bc i know he has taste) when shawn decides to push his freaking luck.

he moves from the armchair, just to hit me on the back of the head as he 'grabs the remote'. quinn at this point tears are welling, i am a very intouch with my feelings typa gal, and this was just hitting alllll the wrong nerves. so when he sits back in his fucking armchair i look at raid bc i dont notice how hot spencer is atm, i also dont care (i do just not in this second).

raid whispers some shit like "ill kick him out after this i promise, just dont cry bc u know how he gets" but i just shake my head and say some shit like "can i get on my knees?". raid nearly dies at this, poor boy coughed up a lung and swallowed it back down it was kinda funny.

he just nodded and unbuckled his belt and shit and then i literally got onto my knees, and pulled a blanket over my head bc shawn the dickhead friend doesnt deserve to see me that way, uknow?

raid asks him to leave but he ignores him or sum idk, i was too busy getting ready to suck dick. also, raid is a very vocal dom, so just his voice—and im dead. raid asks him to leave again and i think he tried making a joke about me hiding from him under the blanket but being too big to do so, so i literally licked my man like a lollipop and the noise...heavenly.

dickhead friend went reallll quiet real quick and left 2.1 seconds later. i gave raid the best head ever that night tho ngl. he did make me cry tho, bc kinks and whatnot, but its h o t so i dont mind.

but honestly raid is the best and gave out shit to shawn about what hes been saying about me and stuff and now shawn isn't allowed say anything to me without getting a smack on the head. life is great, hope u enjoyed;)

calla

“Can I get on my knees?” Poor boy must’ve lost his mind

Shawns a prick though baby, I’m sorry about him

[gay-dragon]

I’m in Aus so I’m graduating soon and this year has sucked tbh. We didn’t get our formal (prom) and missed out on all the 18ths, last sporting events, etc. bc the restrictions started near the start of our year and we’ve been in and out of quarantine the whole year. Everyone feels super robbed and it honestly sucks. I’m an introvert so idrc about the parties but from what I’ve seen people have been sticking to our restrictions pretty well and not partying. Plus even though there are some pretty immature guys in my year level, no one in my grade has been dumb enough to protest the virus (I think). So even though everyone in my year level is like mega sad and angry rn, no one has stooped to the level of protesting the restrictions like Zoe’s group? I’m kinda rambling but I THINK what I’m tryin to say is that corona has ruined everything for my year but even then most people wouldn’t pull something like the nocoronabi thing so idk. It is defs a funky way of showing how kids feel about corona ruining school and social lives but I guess it gets the message across pretty well?

I totally see your point! And I hope I haven't come across as saying that something like that protest is good or justified (or even realistic, tbh). I just think it's hinting towards (hopefully) a conversation on how teenagers have been feeling. In my opinion that plotline has been introduced as something that is supposed to look obnoxious and annoying, especially from Nora's perspective. That's why I think it seems to be hinting that this will be addressed in a more complex way later down the line. And I'd rather druck present us with a nuanced conversation, rather than try really hard to be "realistic", or to show a good example and ignore people's frustration.

Now I'm rambling too 😅 my point is: so far I've gotten an interesting vibe from this storyline. It doesn't seem totally realistic, but it does seem like it's trying to bring in and show different experiences and acknowledge frustrations (perhaps in a slightly simplified way - maybe because this is a side plot and so needs to be condensed?), so I hope this will lead to something interesting.

But it's just the beginning, so who knows, really! Man, it really is wild to be going into a season totally blind, huh?

[raganandhersurveys]

4/21/20~XCVIII

How many walls are in your bedroom?

~just 4

 What do you think about Fall Out Boy?

~they aren’t my style I liked their stuff that played on the radio ok

Do you know where Guatemala is?

~it’s in between North & South America right??? lmao I hope so 

 Do you find musicians attractive?

~yessss v v much ;))

 Do you like hard boiled eggs? 

~no ://

Do you know anyone named Hector? 

~can’t say I do

 Would you move to another country for the one you love? 

~ooo idk. I think I would try to stop myself from doing that tbh. I’d rather stay in the US

 Do you own an instrument?

~no not personally although we do have a piano in the house and my dad owns a guitar

 What do you usually have for lunch?

~it honestly depends; I don’t usually eat the same thing for lunch

  Ever had a pregnancy scare?

~lol thankfully no! prayers for all my girls that have tho

What do you think about the Purple People Eater?

~that song sounds like a possession song lmmfao

 Are you pale or tan? 

~naturally pale :( but thankfully I tan relatively easy 

. What's the weather like right now? 

~partially cloudy but mainly sunny

 Do you like cats?

~yesss I luv cats 

  What's the best part about Wal*Mart?

~eww nothing. However I saw on tiktok these people transform these walmart clothes into some really cute things so maybe at some point I’ll do that

 Do you think Akon is amazing or annoying? 

~lol I haven’t listened to him in a whileee

 Do you like the buzz cigarettes give you? 

~I don’t smoke

 Are you a practical joker?

~sometimes yes

 Do you like pop?

~no I never really have honestly 

  What are you looking forward to?

~quarantine to be over :// 

  Have you ever laughed so hard you couldn't breathe? 

~yes w/ my friends which makes me miss them :((

 What's your favorite band?

~I always loved 1D but I’d say my all time favorite band would be Fleetwood Mac

 Do you feel stupid when you spill things on yourself? 

~no it just ticks me off especially if I’m wearing something cute

 Are you excited for summer?

~yesss I just hope this coronavirus stuff can end. plz stay inside

Have you ever snuck out?

~only a couple of times 

  When's the last time you were kissed?

~a couple of days ago

 Would you ever eat popcorn & salsa?

~I’ll try anything once

 Do you sleep with the television on?

~no I like for it to be dark

 Would you ever want to be able to be invisible?

~yeah that would be cool just not for forever 

 What does your favorite shirt look like?

~it’s a grey long sleeve shirt with little buttons on it. I like it because its soft enough to wear to bed but it looks really cute with mom jeans too.

 What's your favorite scent? 

~I like things that smell like cologne but I also love the smell of wet laundry 

Skype, Msn, Aim, or Yahoo? 

~lolol

 What's your favorite time of the day? 

~late at night when the world is asleep

 Do you hate the phrase ''love ya'' when coming from a boyfriend/girlfriend? 

~I don’t really care 

 What do you do when someone in the room has b.o.?

~I try to ignore it lmao 

  What movie would you like to see right now? 

~ummm idk about movie but i’d like to watch svu later on

 How many times a day do you shower? 

~just once 

What do you think of the name Chloe? 

~it’s cute but its not my first pick

Do you like Hollister? 

~they’re ok but I liked their stuff better when I was in middle school

 What's your favorite alcoholic drink?

~I love mike’s 

 Do you like 80's music?

~yess I love it 

 Do you have to wear glasses or have contacts? 

~nope

Do you play Halo or Gears of War?

~no i’m not really a gamer girl lol

How do you feel about cleaning?

~I mean you have to do it and I always like how I feel after I’m done so I don’t mind

 What do you think of emo kids? 

~emo kids don’t usually seem to like me but i don’t have a problem with them

What's your favorite Jim Carrey movie? 

~I’m not big on comedies so I’m not crazy about any of his movies 

There's a knock at your door at 4 in the morning; what do you do? 

~lmmfao not get up. my mom has this thing where she just doesn’t go to the door and eventually they go away 

 Do you like peaches? 

~yes I do 

 Ever lost a best friend? 

~yeah we just drifted apart but ya know that’s ok. my best friends now are the best I ever had

Ever heard of a town called Wadena?

~I have not

 Have you ever been to a funeral?

~yes quite a few 

 What's your favorite sport? 

~to watch, basketball but I like to play beach volleyball even tho I suck 

 What do you think about homeschooling?

~now that that’s what I’m basically doing, I hate it 

  What do you think about French people?

~lol they’re just people so idrc but I love their accents

 Do you like your parents? 

~yes I love them

. What do you think about Minnesota?

~the only reason I’d ever go there is to go to the Mall of America and have a shopping spree

 Do/did you like high school?

~I appreciate it so much more now that I can’t be there. But for the most part I’ve really enjoyed. I didn't thrive in middle school but I have in highschool 

 Do you have any Asian friends? 

~yes I do, one is half Japanese and the other is Vietnamese 

 Is it cold where you live?

~yeah it can be 

 Do you find accents attractive?

~yess especially Spanish or Boston accents

 Do you hate it when people make spelling mistakes?

~nah I don’t care 

 Would you ever let your boyfriend/girlfriend do your makeup?

~I’m single soooo...

Do you like to shop?

~it’s my addiction

 How long are you on the computer during a 24 hour period?

~at least 3 hours

 Is money really that important?

~yes and no. It can’t buy happiness or anything but having it sure isn’t bad

Have you ever broken a bone?

~thankfully no but I’ve had a really bad fracture 

 Who is your favorite family member? 

~my dad 

 What size bed do you have? 

~queen

 What age do you want to be married?

~hopefully by my late 20s 

 What's the last thing your wrote? 

~a math problem ughh

 What do you think of your town?

~everyone is so nosey. it comes with living in a small southern town but I definitely want to get out of it. at the same time however, I am thankful for it. it’s a good place to raise your kids and I’ve made some of the best friends I feel I’ll ever have here and for that I’m grateful

  When's the last time you played hide & go seek?

~about a month ago with the little kids in the Sunday school class I teach

[irl]

u know what time it is ;)

**traumadump

so this is gonna be a lot more milquetoast compared to the other one. more like teenage whiny bitching but yknow. we all deserve to have some teenage whiny bitching sometimes

my first serious relationship happened sometime near the end of highschool. i dont remember how old i was. tbh i dont even remember his actual name. now i just know him as ‘ten’ which is good enough to call him now

id only dated one other person before him. (technically there were a couple others but they were pedo online ones and idrc or remember much abt them smh). her name was fallon. she was my first girlfriend and honestly she was fine. 10/10 would try again. nothing rly bad happened there, i was just young and dumb and thought having a crush on someone else meant i was cheating on them and i felt bad LMAO i was like 13 or 14.

ten tho. ten was my first serious relationship. we had met through a mutual friend and we hit it off pretty quickly. i dont remember all that much about him if im gonna be real. we dated for almost a year but most of him is gone along w the rest of that time. i remember the “break up” quite vividly though. it wrecked me lmao

the only other thing i really remember is when i was finally able to give my dad a funeral ten years after the fact. we travelled down south. (im pretty sure arkansas. my mom told me when i moved here that my dad was buried near here. all this time i thought he was in texas and all lol). i remember staring up at the sky and watching the clouds while i sat in the passenger seat. told him i loved him like i love the clouds or smth. it was a nice moment, i was feeling nice all things considered.

the break up though. that shit Sucked. i remember, because it was one of the things that hurt the most about it, was that at some point we had had a conversation. he felt bad (? this conversation is fuzzy so some may be inaccurate or vague) about how he had broken up w an ex of his before. we ended up talking and i communicated that i would rather be broken up with directly, to just be told, i had severe abandonment issues and to just suddenly disappear would be the worst

i had actually told him that at least twice? maybe more? the way that we “broke up” is that i woke up one morning and went to message him on skype (lololol) and found he had blocked me. found he had blocked me on every platform we knew each other on. without so much as a word

our last conversation was about how much he’d been missing his dog bcos he was away visiting family for a couple months. it sucked. it felt like shit. it was my first major break up and it wasnt even a real break up lmao

he came back a few months later sometime that summer, messaging me via snapchat. i remember when i saw the message i was at work, it was like 3 am. i was sitting next to the ice machine in the back, slacking off like usual. idr exactly what he said to me but i remember first it hurt rly bad. then i got angry at him cos like lmao the audacity. he basically turned it all around and blamed me for it and dumbshit tried to make himself out to be the victim and the bigger man idk idr teenage bullshit i dont remember if i responded but i dont think i did

abandonment has been something ive had to deal with a lot. and it sucks. its made it hard to trust people, to open up. like really open up. at this point these dumb posts that i make are the only real ways i could ever get stuff like this out for anyone to see. it doesnt feel as serious. if they wanna read it they can but they can opt out whenever they want and id never ever know. theres no fear of rejection here. just apathetic observance.

idk who im writing this for. myself mostly im sure.

the longest time ive ever lived somewhere was around 7 years. in colorado. and even then we still had to move once near the end. i dont remember the ages and numbers anymore so i cant give an exact time. but that was the longest piece of stability i ever had. and i couldnt wait to get out

i think. at some point, instability becomes a comfort. when its all you know, having something there that feels permanent is terrifying. it feels like it can be taken away. when you get used to constantly living rolling with the punches, it feels dizzying to try to right yourself. to stand up straight.

when i moved into my first ever apartment that i signed a lease for, i bought a kitchen table for ten dollars from goodwill. i was able to get it home and lug it up to the second floor and into my house. i got it righted and placed where i wanted it to be and i was so proud of myself. later that night i had a breakdown over accumulating furniture.

i lived with my mom and dad. then they started fighting. i dont remember the timelines or chronological order. but i lived with my dad, then i lived at my (paternal) grandparents house. i lived with my (maternal) uncle and aunt. i lived with my (maternal) second cousin. i lived with my (paternal) aunt. i livef with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. i lived with my mom. back with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. back with my mom

we lived in an apartment. there was a girl i was friends with. we would go swim in the pool sometime. she lived with her dad and her skin was tan

we lived in a duplex on a culdesac. there was a girl and her brother nearby. i was best friends with them. i cant remember their names? last i heard the girls sibling is nonbinary? im not sure.

living with someone in the south. idk. it was a house. there was a girl nearby. her house had a lot of lush green. her cat? or dog? had babies. there was one they named dw for death wish because it kept trying to walk off the deck

one time my mom bought a house. there were a lot of kids i hung out with. they made it a game at one point to call each other while i was there to bad mouth me to prove that the others were awful and i shouldnt be friends with them. i shouldntve been friends with any of them tbh. i just wanted friends in general

the friends arent trauma. im just walking thru what i can remember because i. yknow. the amnesia. sometimes walking through things helps me to remember more. i mean the snotty girls definitely werent great but yknow kids are mean they say crass things. i eventually got better friends

that was the only time my mom owned a home. my sister and i were real young, still in elementary school. we were kids and had messes. my mom never taught us how to clean just told us to go do so. so she was mad that we were kids and had messes. one day she took everything i had and everything my sister had and locked it into one room and put me and my sister as well as a weeks worth of clean clothes for the each of us into the other room. she took away every comfort item we had. she changed the locks to one that needed a key. we stayed minimalist kids for a while after that.

that kickstarted a hoarding disorder that ive since gotten 10000% better about. hoarding already ran in our family and so did paranoia disorders. she did things like that regularly. she would target my stuffed animals specifically. once i remember she barged into my room with big black trashbags and took every single stuffed animal and stuffed them in. including the Special One stuffed animal. she took him right from my hands. i sobbed at her to stop and i watched as she threw them all into our garbage and wheeled it out to the street for the collector the next day. she dragged me back in by the arm and forced me back to my room to go to bed.

now that sucks huh

anyway she didnt actually throw them out. she went and got them back but that doesnt erase what happened now does it? thats why i dont like the shitty bullshit ass pranks people pull on their partners like “i pretend to cheat on my partner” or “i break up with my partner as a prank”. like lol just bcos at the end of the day the scenario was fake, it doesnt take away the fact that for however long it was kept up, you forced that person to live in a reality where it was explicitly real. she forced me to live in a reality for an entire night where she had taken the things that bring me the most comfort and safety feelings in my life, which she was well aware of which is why she targeted them so often, and destroyed them. that. broke fundamental trust in her in ways i cannot describe

when i left florida and landed in arkanas out of money my mom offered to take me back. she had been getting better. i basically cut contact with her for a while and then came back but only talked to her enough for her to just barely witness the awful things that happened in florida without her really being able to do anything at all lmao abd then i told her she needs to shape up or else im leaving altogether and that scared her enough to start becomjnt a better person for me for herself for my little sister. and shes grown a lot. when she offered for me to come back though, she demanded that i “just forgive [her] and stop being mad at [her].”

ive made it very apparent that im not angry with her and i dont hold what happened in my past against her beyond any reasonable extent and that it doesnt affect how i interact with her now, however there are many things that she did that i have to heal from and cope with. i havent told her in those words exactly but the sentiments have been repeated throughout various conversations

bearing that in mind. the demanding that i just forgive her. i become that kid again. the scared 9 year old kid whos dad died just a couple years prior whos been moved across the country countless times with countless people who inflicted varied but unique to the other trauma whos not been able to have a friend for more than a year or two at a time whos never had a stable support net whos lived in and out of poverty whos lived in and out of secure housing whos only “constants” has been his sister and his mom, one of which he fights with constantly (as siblings do constant bloodshed) and the other has not had a single healthy coping mechanism in her entire life and is slowly losing the ability to effectively sympathize with even her own children whos only real constants, real positive influences, has been tv and his stupid little plushies. the scared kid whos watching his mom take everything she knows he cares about and forces him to believe time and time again that this is really it that shes finally serious. shes scary when shes serious and she always somehow manages to be even scarier, which means shes even seriouser.

it sucks

i dont know if she did it. i dont wanna believe she did it. she says she didnt do it either. and i feel like if she knew i was questioning her it would demolish her. i dont wanna think she did it. that she pushed him.

i dont remeber who first told me that she did though. i know shes adamantly denied it to me. and i believe her. but god. sometimes i think about how violent shes been with me. what would stop her?

i dont think she pushed him. whats more likely is that they were just fighting and he tripped and went down the stairs. i dont remember it i was too young. i remember being told afterwards that while he was stuck on the stairs i went and got all my stuffed animals and surrounded him with them to make him feel better

thats what caused the dormant cancer to awaken. it was some kinda bone cancer. something about the fall and hurting his leg. i dont remember him much. it hurts to think about him. i wasnt that old when he died tho. i just know he was my best friend. he showed me more love than my mom ever has. its not her fault tho. she was raised to not even be able to effectively express happiness let alone anything beyond that. especially not love. it took her 21 years to tell me she was proud of me for something

he was my best friend though. i dont remember much about him but i feel. the warmth. the smiles. i loved him a lot. i think thats something my mom always feels bad about. inadequate. she knows she doesnt have the ability to express affection like he did. its okay though, i understand her. i get it.

my dad though. sometimes i wonder what itd be like if he were still around? idk. the Orphaned Wondering™️ lmao

logically he didnt abandon me. but he was one of the final and toughest nails in that coffin though. really the only clear memory i actually have of him though is seeing him cold and empty on the medical examination table. i was still small so my eyeballs were Level with his body. i didnt understand it. my mom accused me of using him as a crutch so much that i think it just forced my brain to Expunge as much information about him as possible just to prove her wrong bcos how can you crutch on the pain of losing someone you never even knew, right?

shes kept using that up till i was 22 or so. idr exactly when the last time she said that to me was. i think i stood up to her about it once and she stopped then. this was after she was already scared lmao i think the combination is what got her.

one of the big times i remember is when i finally came out to her as trans. she didnt like it to sum it up. she made me sit through one of her signature multi hour presentation lectures when i told her about how i was such a disappointment and a let down and blah blah blah and eventually i was sent away. the next day she sends me an email (LMAO AN EMAIL) basically telling me she doesnt support me and then goes on a long tirade about my father and using him as a crutch and how he died having two daughters and what would she say to him now because “yes 🥺 i still talk to him” and whatever.

that also started her long lines of kick out threats. after i came out to her, every two weeks to a month she would actively threaten to kick me out and give me ultimatums. leading to the Penultimate moment when i had gone down to texas with a friend to help them move for college and i went with them to a tattoo parlor so they could get a tattoo. my mom sees me at a tattoo parlor (she was On that tracking shit since well before life 360 was a thing. once she called me in the middle of class in highschool accusing me of being at the bar next door cos her shitty find my friends thing told her so and she made me facetime so she could talk to my teacher lmao) and accused me of getting a tattoo. told her i wasnt and she didnt believe me and told me i wasnt welcome back in her home and that i didnt need to bother coming to get my shit bcos its all getting bagged up and tossed out tomorrow. i was two thousand miles from home with only the clothes on my back. had a minor meltdown said fuck it and got a tattoo. then went to houston pride the next day and warped tour the day after that.

my friend i was with blamed themself and felt awful about it. i hope they didnt carry that with them for too long. it wasnt their fault. my mom was Searching for a reason other than the fact i was trans to kick me out. my friend talked to their mom and got me set up with her temporarily.

come to find out that at my bus stop back in town, my moms friend was there picking me up and taking me back to my moms house, effectively kidnapping me lmao. except i was 18 so can that rly be kidnapping? idk what the adult term is. abduction. middle of the night im escorted back into my moms house and she presents me with a contract, throughout the contents of which she addresses me as “the adult child”.

three months later i was moving from colorado to maine to live with my bow ex fiance lmao

thats enough brain shit for tonight. ive got a migraine building and ive been at this for an hour or smth

time to go smoke weed and watch the last episode of that gay pirate show lmao

[nochuandgochu]

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. I am *respectfully* not saying (mainly bc it’s v ethnic & I don’t want to narrow down my identity that much first thing getting back into tumblr)

2. 21 ... sheesh

3. May 26

4. Gemini

5. Green!

6. 8

7. no :( but once I become financially stable I’m adopting the first reptile I see

8. Southeast USA

9. haha yeah I’m 5’10 and some change ... but in the spirit of the DMV which forces you to round up or down on your height for your license, I just tell ppl that I’m 5’11

10. haHA I’m a women’s 12, men’s 12, in US sizes

11. 11 lol!

12. it is *extremely* rare that I remember dreams, so I just assume I don’t dream at all

13. no talents, just a lot of miscellaneous things I happen to know how to do, (disclaimer: I don’t claim to be good at them though) ... i can make shoes?

14. wouldn’t that be the dream ... sadly I am not

15. literally can’t choose ... so I won’t but I CAN MENTION that I’ve been recently loving Q.U.E.E.N. by Janelle Monáe

16. once again ... I can’t choose, this time bc I hardly watch films diligently like that unless it’s apart of a franchise ... would love to get into pretentious indie films though, so leave any recs below

17. honestly? idk myself? idrc either??

18. Childbearing? No. Adoption? Yes.

19. lol I’m not getting married.

20. Raised Christian so I guess, but I’m still finding my place within all that bc I feel like there is *some* good in it underneath layers upon layers of human manipulation and oppression and bigotry rooted within the abuse of its teachings.

21. yeah

22. lmao not yet, I’m black in America it’s only a matter of time before I breathe the wrong way and someone calls the cops

23. one time in middle school, my choir went to Disney World and a small group of us girls rode rock n rollercoaster & when we went to go see our photos, we saw Debby Ryan a row behind us in the picture & we all flipped out & ambushed her just as she was leaving & got a photo with her. She was so sweet, frazzled, but sweet, sorry ab that Debby.

24. Showers. Period.

25. I’m barefoot, it’s too hot for that

26. Girl no, I’d be the worst famous person, like I genuinely do not aspire for that

27. Nope!

28. I love anything that can tastefully fuse different genres together — and I’ve been finding recently that movie scores & anime ops do that successfully A LOT

29. no ma’am

30. This is funny bc I’ve noticed over the years, the number just keeps increasing, we’re at 4 at the moment

31. Lol so I always end up in some variation of the fetal position on a normal night but when it’s really hot, I have this pose that kinda resembles the tape silhouette of a deceased person’s body at a crime scene.

32. It’s in the south, so even though I think it’s average size, ppl from the north claim my house & property is huge? lol no it’s not y’all just live cubicles.

33. yeah I don’t really remember to eat breakfast ...

34. Nope

35. Nope

36. Imbibe

37. Ass, I always add it onto another word as a suffix to emphasize my point unnecessarily

38. 24 hrs in college during finals week, never again

39. Oh yeah

40. Weirdly enough, yeah

41. Nope, I *truly* wish I was sometimes, all I can do is evade until my conscience finally gets the best of me & then I yak it up

42. I’d say so.

43. Yup, I can do a Nigerian accent (a lil rusty) and a southern inner-city kind of accent

44. I personally don’t think I do, but I know the ppl in my life say I do so ...

45. Don’t have a favorite, unless it’s Tom Hiddleston speaking

46. INFJ-T

47. My platform Docs

48. No

49. In-between-ie? It’s weird ...

50. Right

51. Nah

52. Time and time again I always come back to French fries

53. Roasted seaweed (the ones that comes in paper-like sheets)

54. Clean

55. “it be like that” & “so it would seem”

56. “oof” & a randomized keyboard smash du jour

57. About an hour if we’re including showering

58. Not really?

59. Suck

60. Absolutely

61. Yessir

62. Nah

63. My overprotectiveness of my thoughts & interests stopping me from putting myself “out there” & regretting it later

64. No

65. idk?

66. on me? short. on guys? loooong. like we’re talking ponytail game strong

67. sure, as long as there’s no time limit or external pressure

68. astronomy, there was no pressure to be right or wrong, it was just so wholesome

69. semi-extroverted introvert

70. nah

71. to this day, public speaking

72. Nope

73. Depends on the mistake

74. Only on my feet, I give the ladies at the nail shop HELL whenever I’m getting a pedicure I’m so sorry lol

75. No, what would you gain from that?

76. Nope

77. I mean technically nooo bc I was in a foreign country & the drinking age was significantly lower & I was old enough there but not in the US

78. Nah but honestly want to (only marijuana not the life-threatening ones)

79. Celebrity? Zayn Malik. IRL? some theatre/choir boy a few years older than me named Matt.

80. 4

81. Sure can!

82. Average speed ig?

83. people go around measuring these things? with a stopwatch? I would say average speed again

84. black and brown

85. The deepest of browns

86. No allergies :)

87. yeah

88. A paralegal and a freelance audio mixer & producer

89. I mean there’s nothing I can do about it ...? It’s just a fact so I don’t really feel any specific way ab it?

90. Being told to do something you were already planning to do. it’s really dumb but it really agitates me.

91. I guess. I can’t imagine myself with a different name. (Oh it’s Melody btw)

92. Nah

93. Idc I just want to adopt the bestest boys and girls who just want love & guidance

94. Incredibly empathetic and articulate

95. MANY but I have an internalized fear of being overbearing so whenever I have something worth saying that needs a little bit of power or force behind it, i fixate on my delivery and nitpick my speech patterns & what you get is a really mousy, quiet voice that’s barely heard

96. Parents were at church conference & my dad randomly received “divine inspiration” for my name to be Melody and my mom didn’t disagree

97. Actually, yeah, on my mom’s side

98. I think this question was asked already, but the answer is still yes.

99. I’m assuming bedspread mean bed sheets so teal!

100. Green :)

[adorableh3ll]

couldn’t agree more that i’m the worst you had. have never spare a thought for your feelings when you’d always do. i’m sorry, i swear i didn’t did it on purpose/ did it to see you upset. no. you’re legit the one i want(sadly i don’t deserve it). it’s almost impossible for us to go back to how we used to be. those nights that we choke on our lame ass jokes, waking up to each other feeling butterflies in our tummies(but honestly i still do.. even on bad terms). i really miss what we had in the past. i miss those days that we had only few dollars to survive yet it doesn’t even matter. moments like these r so fucking precious to me and also, my lullaby. i wish i could turn back time. i’d do anything for it. now, i’m just a sucker for love, a cheater, to you. it breaks me tbh but what else other than to suck it up? yes, i’m at fault for not putting your feelings into consideration but cheating was never my thing, ever. at this point, it doesn’t even matter if i did or not anymore, all of them are just gonna label me as a cheater but lul idrc(?) lmao. they don’t matter at all, come at me if they want to. conscience clear as fuck. things that i’v never done over my dead body that i’ll suck it up. 

can’t actually deny the fact that you tweeted that and even tag me, my heart fucking shattered. i don’t believe the fact that you knew i’m never someone like that, you just want me to realize that it was my fault that i didn’t stand in your position and think. yea, i got it. but are you happy for what you tweeted? i hope you are. it really doesn’t matter anymore. the fact that i’m just opening up to such limited amount of people whom i can call “friends”, don’t think you were unaware that i don’t have any girl friends that i can rant to? but yeah, i’m blaming myself for it. 

i can never forget that i cried so hard, it was a fucking struggle to me ffs.. reason to not kill myself: my uncle just paid 4000 for my dumb ass. and that was the only thing that came to my mind, nothing else. isn’t it pathetic hahaha. damn.

i felt like a fucking loser, a complete sore loser. i didn’t cheat, i assume that i’ve done a better job than she did but while i was loyal and she CHEATED on you, you forgave her, you made me a CHEATER in everyone’s eye.. have i did something so wrong that you’re doing things this way?.. what have i done just so you could?.. or should i say what have i not done enough?..

i never understand why, and i can never swallow this. 

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 5 “Can’t we just bring the crazy 15 year old in? Why is that so hard?” - Sarah

The internal struggle is real rn. Do I throw Alex under the bus and secure my safety? Or do I try to sit back and hope a new target emerges?

I don't know how many people know this, but I try to write a big piece of bullshit before every tribal to release if I'm the one voted out. Here's the one from tonight.... First of all I just want to say thank you to the hosts and to my fellow competitors. Now I'm going to expose some snakes. (Please don't hate me people, I just want to blow the game up while I'm leaving). -Linus, Alex, and Tommy are in an alliance -Jonathan HATES Richie and Alex -Jaiden has told me that he has an idol -Crow, Sarah, and Brian have an alliance -Of the 3 mentioned above, Crow and Sarah have a F2 -Tommy is by far playing the best strategic game -Junior is playing an extremely well social game -Brian is connected to the heroes on MANY levels and he'll flip to them at a tribe swap -Linus also has a good social game -Jaiden is messy as fuck

hi my name is im fucked how r u?

BIIIIIITCH I'M GOING FOR MY OTTNN5 EDGIC I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! (but hopefully i at least get a CPM) The vote was 4 votes Alex. 4 votes Kage. 1 vote ME. 1 vote tommy. 1 vote Jon. theres a tie, brian gets the rock drawn and my stupid ass was like wait my names not on the list and that alone should make me a hero for being an honest bitch but then redo and jaiden leaves and bam i ERUPT.  in the main chat i'm like YO WHO VOTED WHO LETS GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT!!! Jon/Crow/Junior all say they voted for alex, Linus says he voted for Kage and I say i voted for kage so thats 5/11 votes accounted for and i cant believe anyone actually listened to me and revealed their vote in the tribal chat lmao WILD i was completely left out of this vote and everything thats been happening on this tribe so its clear im on the bottom and with my name being thrown around at this vote whether i was actually a possible target or a decoy that shit isnt okay im not in the long term plans for ANYONE on this tribe so i have nothing to lose worst case scenario i put a big target on my back and i go out next and if that happens at least i didnt go out as a useless pawn in anyones game and its because i did something but what im hoping is to gain information (which i did because i found out how everyone voted within an hour after tribal) and 2. i wanted chaos so everyones mad at someone like kage voting jon was a big win bc that furthered their fight thats been alive since day 1 after that i went on a bit of a pity tour where i went to everyone and like was like "i feel so alone and isolated and no one trusts me and i just feel like i havent done anything to prove that you shouldnt trust me i just want to be included" just trying to make people feel bad lmao im so worked up its been 2 hours since tribal and i literally havent stopped ive been at a 100 out of 10 with everyone and im going to need to cool down and lay low but while i have momentum i caaaaant just sit around and do nothing so i guess we'll see what consequences my outbursts have had???? 

idk how to explain what just happened

I've wrote myself a hit list of people who ARE going home before me.... Jonathan Richie Linus Alex Tommy Brian

So after a few hours of info gathering I think I have bits and pieces of what happened in that last vote.... So the alliance of 7 (Myself, Jonathan, Sarah, Tommy, Brian, Jaiden, & Junior) were supposed to vote for Alex. However, Jaiden, being bored with the game or feeling outcast at the bottom decides that this is merely a ploy to get us to throwaway our votes. Then, he approaches various people, which I know to be Brian, Linus, and Junior (at least) about the possibility of still voting Kage. Whether this was to insight chaos or division for entertainment or strategy, I don't know.... Meanwhile, Alex is feeling on the outs as he's a smart player and observed it so he threw a vote at Tommy. Whether this was because he knew it would force the vote to tie or simply because he didn't like Tommy and wanted to give him a parting gift, I also don't know.... Jonathan, Tommy, myself, and Sarah stuck to the plan to vote out Alex (however, Sarah doesn't want to expose her vote in public and cause a confrontation between her and Junior considering Junior lied about his vote too....) Kage voted Jonathan in the same regard that Alex did. (Again, I don't know if it was planned or not or if either had connections to Jaiden's plans, but they both threw away their votes despite them being clear targets.....sketch....) Which means that someone threw a vote at Richie and is not fessing up about it. Richie voted Kage because I'm sure that's what everyone told him to do (as we were supposed to) and he was just alone. The vote for Richie, in my opinion, was likely Jaiden, given his rep for paranoia and throwing votes away to avoid rocks/idol plays (ironic, huh?) and that Junior voted for Kage as a part of Jaiden's plan considering there's a strong possibility that him and Linus are connected.... So right now, I trust Tommy, Jonathan, Alex, Sarah (but I'm also a little worried as to why she doesn't want to tell the truth to everyone....) and honestly, still Brian because I can relate to his position.....I want to build trust with Richie but we're not there quite yet. My targets would be Kage and Junior as of now. Kage just....just needs to go and Junior is a massive rat with a few too many strings on this tribe. Either or, I don't care which one goes first.... Or I'm totally wrong and still aligning myself with rats =)

I got REALLY lucky yesterday, however I also lost my closest ally in the process.  And I told him I would slay the rest of this game for him, so I must avenge Jaiden (who I will confessional-ize about all the time!).  I had some major damage control and I just pushed over and over again that I voted Kage, the truth, so that people would trust me more.  I hope they do still trust me, and I do think they realize that I'm still useful to most of them.  I grew insanely close to Richie after that happened, and the two of us will most definitely be working together.  Linus still trusts me, and I think Alex might still trust me to an extent.  Kage and I are probably done which is fine.  Junior is a snake or so I think.  Tommy doesn't not trust me, he just probably won't trust me as much.  But he did know about the Kage vote, so I didn't completely shock him.  Sarah and Crow need me, I think.  Jonathan needs me.  I hope my thoughts on all this are right djskahsd.

OK LISTEN THE FUCK UP HUNTIES!! IM ABOUT TO SPILL ALL THE GOOD TEA AND HONESTLY I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ON A VIDEO BUT MY PHONE! IS A POS AND apparently i have too many videos already? ANYWAYS SO I HAVENT MADE A CONFESSIONAL AND WEVE GONE TO TRIBAL COUNCIL THREE TIMES VILLAINS ARE A MESS HONESTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so the first vote was between brian and pat and then i messaged brian and i was like heheh i wannt to keep u so crow and i went around talking to ppl to see how they felt (crow and i didnt plan this out btw i guess we both just wanted to keep him?) SO THEN PAT WENT HOME! on a 9-3-1 vote ash self voted kage(mess), tommy and pat voted brian and the rest of us voted pat so anyways then WE FUCKING LOSE AGAIN!?!? are these heroes on steroids? idk? anyways! we gotta go to tribal council again and at this point im kinda like ok i feel fine.....AND DO U WANNA KNOW WHY??? crow and brian and I have an alliance jaiden and jr and I have an alliance tommy felt bad about being in minority and not listening to me for the pat vote so we have pledged our f2 together and he is literally the light of my life...i cant tell if he feels the same but boy do i love this boy...hes my ned pt 2 anyways so jonathan decided that he wanted a majority alliance with crow, brian, me, him, jaiden, jr andDD TOMMY !!! LEGIT ALL THE PPL IM ALLIGNED WITH SO IM IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE AHHHH SCREAM SCREAM BITCH THE FUCK CREAM CHEESE SCREAM so that works out ...obv i dont like jaiden or jr bc they fucking suck anyways so we all vote together to vote out ashley ... and kage and richie and linus and alex are just there i heard there have been an alliance with alex, kage, linus and tommy -which tommy doesnt like btw i know jr and linus are a thing richie and alex are prob a thing everyone is connected and tbh i dont really care for any of these players except for tommy...and Id like to add crow to that list but we all know hes a mastermind so ...i aint a dumb bitch SO ANYWAYS NOW ONTO THE THIRD VOTE...WE HAVE MAJORITY AND WE DECIDE TO VOTE OUT ALEX well DOESNT THAT GO ASTRAY jaiden decided to vote out kage, brian voted with him so basically heres how the voting went (hopefully im correct) crow-alex jon-alex tommy-alex sarah-alex kage-jon richie-kage brian-kage jaiden-kage linus-kage jr-richie alex-tommy but everyone thot i voted out ....richie..and I KNOW IN THE BOTTOM OF MY FUCKING HEART THAT JR IS LYING!! AND HE WONT ADMIT IT and heres why i know hes lying and hes a snake a rama 1) he put ashleys name out there on the second vote-he got scared it was gonna come to bite him in the ass so he told ppl "hes hearing ashleys name" 2) he has a clear alliance with kage and has been trying to keep him this entire time when its obvious no one likes him !?!? 3) he told kage that ashley went around saying kages name LOL which is funny so now kage hated ashley and they both hated eachother and tbh idrc if jr wants to make stupid obvious moves like this to pit two idiotic players against one another but hey ! like ...as long as u aint trying ur shit with me then idfc about u bitch 4) he voted richie and hes lying...like fucking stop? so anyways BECAUSE JAIDEN AND JR ARE UGLY AF INSIDE AND OUT I NOW NEED TO AMEND TIES WITH FUCKING ALEX bc him and i had an agreement of f2 :c so i tell him i voted him and that i didnt want to lie and then he wants a majority alliance with me, crow, brian, linus and richie !!! which im down for like bitch im not gonna turn down an alliance!?! but i will tell tommy about this bc i like that alex and tommy both dont like eachother hehe but alex is def playing middle but ill just let him think hes being slick BUT ANYWAYS I WAS BORED AT 1 AM LAST NIGHT SO GUESS WHAT I DECIDED TO DO ... look for the idol... so it went a little something like this me: josh i know ur online LET ME SEARCH FOR IDOL josh: yes hello wanna search me: YES josh: ok! me: josh pls give me an idol pls josh *crickets* josh: Congratulations! You have found the Modoru idol. This is a special idol with special powers. This idol, when played, will restart the round to before the last immunity challenge, halting the tribal council, resulting in no elimination from the game. The immunity challenge will be reconducted, and the game will continue as normal. It is important to note that is idol must be played before the votes are read, at the same time as a normal idol. If any other idol is played in addition to this idol, it shall be returned to it’s owner. me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE A FUCKING FISH IDOL anyways ya so thats what u missed on glee

The Heroes showing up to slay the villains in the challenge honestly I dont know whats my more favorite thing, winning immunity or watching the villains descend into madness

We won immunity again out of luck..... woopdy freakin doo. I feel kinda bad for the heroes because the Villains are having all the FUN and I wanna be included in on the fun, but I do have to keep reminding myself that no matter how eager I am, it's good that I've been immune these few times because, eventually, if I make it there, I'll have to go to every single tribal council, and knowing how horrific I am under pressure when it comes to individual immunities, I probably won't win many of those. But one good thing did come out of this round, and it's the fact that Kendall painted a bigger target on her back if we were to go to tribal, and it's to get her the fuck out of here. I know she's a strong player, and taking this opportunity to take her out, without even cutting the legs off of her body (and by that I mean taking out Ruthie first, so she feels safe and then stabbing her in the throat), but since Kendall is making it so easy to just target her dumb ass, I guess that'll work too and maybe I can now look into using Ruthie as an asset in this game, especially since she's so nice, she seems really loyal and doesn't have many social skills going around according to what I'm hearing from the tribe. Maybe it's time to start building that final relationship in our tribe, so I can use it in case we swap tomorrow, which I'm highly speculating

I also think it's about that time where I start picking up those strong relationships with those Villains like I had night one, especially if we're swapping tomorrow. I want to keep conversations raw and not too deep. Like a "Good Luck at tribal" and see if it'll spark anything. I've been consistently talking to Tommy, Linus and Crow, but I also know Tommy has been having consistent conversations with members of our tribe, and honestly, there's a chance I might slip this information to Crow to see if he can take out Tommy, especially because he's a winner. OMG THIS CONFESSIONAL JUST GAVE ME A BRILLIANT IDEA. Let's see if I can low-key just plant the seed to get him the fuck out of here and see what's up :)

Drew and Alex C. hosting a main season TOGETHER during Japan? Mood. This is from after me winning the duel. Oops forgetting to submit it from last round

BY THE MOTHERFUCKING GRACE OF JESUS CHRIST I SOMEHOW GOT THE IDOL CLUE WITH AN 8% CHANCE OF IT POTENTIALLY GOING TO ME (ya know.... 1/12 #math). I know it's in the meadow based off of the clue, and lucky for me I already searched there once, so I've got a 1/3 shot of finding it........ AND I FUCK IT THE FUCK UP. Essentially I have two options here, either go to one of my closest allies (Steffen or Trace) to search for the idol as well in the space I told them to, and then they hopefully will it over to me, OR I just wait until next round and HOPE I'm still on Heroes beach (despite the high speculation of a swap), and just hope that I can search again to better my odds. I decided there's no time like the present, so I run to Steffen and Trace, but Steffen answers first, so lucky for Steffen, and I tell him the predicament, and he goes to look for the idol and nada. Now at this point, I just gotta wait it out because I think there's a decent chance we won't be swapping, and that would be incredible for my game because then I can actually go for it now and find out if it has been found or not. I'm getting the feeling that at the fifth round of this game, either someone got a secret idol clue during their search (which is very possible) or that someone got DUMB lucky. Either way, I'm keeping optimistic at this point and praying that shit goes my way. ~Cheers to not a swap~

Also, fucking Tommy keeps messaging me about swapping tribes and wanting to abandon ship with the villains because it's essentially him and Kage vs everyone else. I'm not really sure if this is true, especially because he has fucking won this game before, but I'm going to assume, based on what's been told to me, that it is actually Tommy and Kage vs the tribe, and I think it'll be an interesting tribal tonight, with it being likely that Kage goes home. On a totally different note, I decided to try to utilize my relationship with Crow on the villains tribe, and let him know that A LOT of Heroes have been getting messages from Tommy nonstop, and as much as I think he's nice, the second I found out about Tommy messaging ALL the heroes, and not just me, it made me realize that I don't really think I can trust him and that he's gotta go. I wonder if Crow is going to be taking my advice, or maybe cutting the legs off of Tommy, but Tommy can be a huge tool for me that I can use against the Villains if I end up on a swapped tribe that could fuck me over in numbers, but with Tommy, I've got a shot. As of now, I think Kage is going from what Tommy told me, which means that Tommy is likely next on the chopping block, and he's been talking to me A LOT about mutinying, but I'm not really sure he can do that, but if he can, and he chooses to, there probably won't be much stopping me from booting him out of our tribe almost immediately. We'll see how tonight goes because I'm HIGHLY skeptical about it, but I've got faith that we're not swapping because our tribe declared that Dom is competing in this duel for our tribe, and idk if the hosts are fucking with us or not, but if they are, then kudos to them because I don't know what to think at this point

https://youtu.be/6yiILcktIqo