#i honestly didn't even need to write this

[cherrygirlfriend]

touchy subject III pairing: reader x exfiancé!rafe synopsis: seeing your ex-fiancé after four years. warnings: angst and comfort. fluff. mentions of miscarriage/stillbirth and DUI. wc: 2.7k part 3 and the last part of touchy subject! click here for part 1, click here for part 2 i really liked writing for them and honestly i'm considering occasionally writing blurbs for them and what their relationship would shape into, lmk if you'd be interested!!

seeing you in front of that store felt like it might've killed rafe. the first face he fell in love with, the woman who'd left him with nothing but scars and an engagement ring. somehow, he still managed to stay alive.

but hearing you say his name in the soft voice he hadn't heard in over four years, the same one that you used to tell him you loved him every single night before your body went slack in his arms, that might have been the final blow.

"what are you doing here?" you managed to mutter, your hand instinctively going to your locket, squeezing it in your hand, and the gesture didn't go unnoticed by rafe.

"what's this?" rafe asked as the two of you laid in bed, his finger tracing the patterns on the heart-shaped locket resting on your chest, the one you'd worn around your neck for as long as he'd known you.

"this?" you asked, opening the locket, displaying two pictures; one of them was of you when you were a little girl, standing between your parents with a wide, toothy grin on your face, and the other was a picture of you and rafe, taken at midsummers. "i got this from my mom. it's a family heirloom of sorts. when she's born," you looked down at your stomach, "we've gotta get a picture taken of us three so i can put it here."

he let out a small chuckle, "i'm honored that you want me in your heart."

"i think you're always going to be in my heart," you rolled your eyes, "whether i want it or not."

"i'm here to see you. i thought that'd be obvious." rafe said without an ounce of emotion in his voice, the sound causing a shiver to run down your spine. grieving your daughter on what would've been her fifth birthday wasn't a moment you exactly wanted your ex to witness, but this was still rafe. the man you loved for so long, the only man you ever loved, the one you were going to marry, and this was still the house that was supposed to be your home.

so you stepped aside, pulling your cardigan closed as a way to close yourself off from the man as you walked further into the house, not daring yourself to look back at him, fearing the urge that still remained in your chest to just pull him close to you and be in his arms.

you heard the door close, pressing your eyes shut as you stood in front of the fireplace, your arms crossed in front of your chest as if defending yourself, the man's footsteps echoing in the room, "it's cold in here."

"the radiator's broken."

"can you just, at least look at me, or something?"

"do i have to?" you chuckled humorlessly, and when you felt his hand on your shoulder, it felt like the room got ten degrees colder, the man slowly turning you around to face him, and when you refused to look up at him, focusing on the baby blue sweater he was wearing, he brought his hand to your chin, gently lifting it up, just like he did every time he was about to kiss you.

"we need to talk."

if someone was to ask you what would be the most uncomfortable situation you had ever been in, this would be among the top 3, right after you got the 'birds and the bees' talk and the time you said your goodbyes to the same man now sitting beside you, the space between you two big enough to fit another person.

"why did you come back?" rafe asks, without even sparing you a glance. you decide to do the same, your gaze staying on the fire crackling in front of you.

"i don't know. a part of me thinks it's because i missed home."

"and the other part?"

missed us. missed her. "missed my mom, i guess."

your mother had driven you home from the hospital, insisting that she'd stay with you for the next few days; you still hadn't seen rafe. you couldn't face him, couldn't face the guilt you carried around for being the reason your daughter would be coming home in an urn.

she'd gone to the store for groceries, leaving you to sit on the couch you and rafe had picked out, staring at the engagement picture that hung above the fireplace.

you didn't know how it started, how every single vase ended up as nothing but shards of glass on the floor, how the coffee table had ended up as planks of wood, how your fists were bruised from beating them against the walls, your knees bloody from when you'd collapsed on the ground amongst all the glass.

"do you know what day it is?" rafe asked with a weak voice, and you could hear him try to swallow down the emotion crawling up his throat.

his question made you want to let out a small, humorless laugh. you don't know how you could ever forget. "of course." the day i killed her.

rafe stood up, running his hand over his chin before trailing over the short strands of hair on his head, "why did you do it?" he looked to you. "why did you leave?"

"i had no reason to stay." you say emotionlessly, your fingers intertwined as you kept your eyes on them as if you were praying.

"you had me. you would've had me if you just let me be there."

"rafe, i killed our daughter."

"what-"

"i'm the reason our daughter isn't here. i'm the reason she doesn't exist. i'm the reason that today isn't only her fifth birthday, but also the fifth anniversary of her death."

rafe kneeled down in front of you, his hands cupping your cheeks, not caring if it made you uncomfortable, or that this was the first time he'd properly touched you in over four years, the only thing that mattered to him was that you listened.

"you did not kill our daughter."

"i did."

"no." he scoffed, "you aren't the reason she's dead. the reason is the drunken asshole who drove at you. you loved her with your entire being, with everything you had, even before she was born. you would've been the most amazing mother in the world. don't you dare blame yourself for something you had zero control over."

"i shouldn't have driven in that weather. i knew it was gonna be raining, that the roads would be slippery-"

"no." rafe said sternly, "look at me."

your eyes moved to look into rafe's steel-blue ones, shimmering with unshed tears, his jaw clenched, and only then did you realize that he was cupping your face in his hands, his touch somehow managing to make you feel warm even in the cold apartment.

"i won't have you blame yourself for something you had no fuckin' control over. evelyn was so wanted, by both of us. she would've been so loved. we would've done anything to protect her, and to keep her safe. if any fucker even thought about hurting her, i would've made sure they'd regret ever being born. but you are not to blame for her not being here."

rafe's hands moved from your cheeks to your hands, the man instead taking your clenched fists into his, letting out a small sniffle, and when he pressed his eyes closed and let out a sigh, a tear rolled down his cheek.

"yeah, you could've not driven in the rain. but i should've been the one to drive you to your mom's, you were eight months along, an insane man would make you drive yourself, or i should've made sure you got home before it was dark, or i should've picked you up myself. there are so many things we could've done differently, but that doesn't mean that either of us is to blame for it."

"i spent so long blaming myself for what happened, but not even for a moment did i blame you. you did everything to keep her safe, and i know it, and i'm sure that she knows it too. you loved her more than anything, and i won't let some drunk driving idiot make you feel like you did anything wrong."

slowly, you opened your fists, half-moon prints on the palms on your hands caused by your nails, and without even realizing, tears had been rolling down your eyes the entire time that rafe had been speaking, the man standing up and pressing a kiss on your forehead that felt like it burnt and would leave a mark that'd be there forever, before he settled down next to you.

a strand of hair was stuck on your cheek, almost glued on there by the tears you shed, the blonde man tugging it behind your ear, his eyes still on you, his hands still cupping yours.

"i don't blame you for what happened, nor do i blame you for pushing me away. but i wish you would've let me in, to be there for you, instead of leaving. so we could've grieved her together."

"i think we should break up, rafe."

"what?" rafe turned to look at you; this wasn't what he had been expecting to hear after two months of silence, "if this is about the baby-"

"i can't do it anymore." you closed your eyes, letting a tear run down your cheek, "i need to leave. start over."

you turned your head to look at him, his words feeling like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders, and even though you tried to find it, there was nothing in his eyes that said that he was lying.

"you don't blame me for any of it?"

your voice was weak and feeble, as if a part of you was expecting him to tell you that he did, but when he pulled you into his embrace, he told you the truth in the best way he knew how to: without saying a single word.

you didn't know how long you had been in rafe's arms; it felt like hours, while also feeling like the moment had lasted mere seconds, like you two lived in your own bubble. it felt like the last four years hadn't happened, like you had never left.

but when he pulled away from the embrace and looked down at his watch, letting out a sigh, you knew what was coming. the bubble burst.

"i should probably get going." rafe let out an exasperated sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose before starting to get up off the couch, stretching his long limbs.

"yeah, yeah." you said softly, clearing your throat, trying to act like nothing had happened, like you hadn't gone through every memory you shared while he was just holding you to comfort you, "your girlfriend's probably waiting for you."

rafe stopped in his tracks, turning to look down at you, "girlfriend?"

"shit," you chuckle softly, fidgeting with your hands and chewing on your lower lip, "i guess she's your fiancée, now."

he sat down on the couch next to you while you simply avoided his gaze, not wanting him to read everything you were feeling like he so often seemed to do, but your attempt was unsuccessful, the man bringing his hand to your chin and gently turning your head so you were forced to look at him, his brows slightly furrowed while he looked at you pointedly.

"what girlfriend, or fiancée?"

you didn't know if rafe was acting stupid, or if he was genuinely confused, but you could still remember the woman with him at the jewelry store, the woman who had managed to make him smile, whose back rafe placed his hand on.

"you know," you clear your throat, taking his hand off your chin and turning your head away from him, not wanting him to see the tears brimming in your eyes as you thought about him waiting at the aisle for another woman, "the woman at the jewelry store."

rafe let out a soft laugh, and when you turned your head, facing him, he was nearly keeling over in laughter, his head in his hands.

"what?"

"that-" rafe said inbetween laughs, "that wasn't my girlfriend."

"what?" you mumbled softly, your brows furrowing, "what do you mean, rafe?"

"sorry-" he continued laughing for a while only to be stopped by a soft smack you delivered to his shoulder, before the man took a deep breath, looking at you with a small smile gracing his lips, a sight that still got your heart to flutter, "that wasn't my girlfriend, or my fiancée."

"then... who was she?"

"that was," rafe let out another chuckle as if you had said something foolish, taking one of your hands in his and intertwining your fingers, "wheezie's girlfriend."

you tried processing the words that had left his lips, but no matter what, they didn't seem to make since. "why were you in a jewelry store together? wheezie's only like-"

"wheezie's nineteen." rafe shook his head, "her girlfriend, lucy, asked me to help her pick out a ring. sarah was supposed to go with her, but she had some preschool stuff to deal with relating to jack, so i got stuck with that duty…"

"isn't nineteen a bit... young?"

"it is. but you remember how young we were when we got engaged? or sarah?" a fond smile took over rafe's lips as he turned to look at the fire that was slowly burning out, letting the next words out in a hushed tone. "guess it runs in the family."

"guess so." you say, biting down on your lip, turning to look at the fire with him, your cheeks warm as you felt like an idiot for your assumption.

"i still haven't moved on." rafe said, letting out a breath, "i don't know if i can. i don't think i even want to." you turned to look back at one another at the same time, both of you seeing the same melancholy in the other one's eyes, "there's no one i would ever want to be with other than you."

you took a deep breath, his words ringing through your head as you looked at him, a damp trail running down his cheek was still visible from the tears he had shed, and you took a deep breath, making a decision that you knew would impact the rest of your life.

"me neither, rafe."

you brought your hand to his cheek and felt the tear he had shed under your touch, pulling his face to meet yours until your lips clashed, feeling the exact same that it did four years ago, making you wonder how you ever let it go.

SIX MONTHS LATER...

you laid on a blanket in the middle of a field of sunflowers, your arms crossed behind your head and your eyes pressed closed, letting the sun beam down your face, warming you up as your bare feet were being tickled by blades of grass.

your daydreaming was interrupted by the sound of footsteps, and you opened one of your eyes to see rafe stumble through the long flowers into the small clearing you'd found, a small chuckle leaving your lips.

"don't laugh at me." he scolded, shaking his head as he landed on the blanket next to you, letting out a soft grunt.

"why not?" you asked, sticking your tongue out at him, your boyfriend gasping in feigned offence, about to quip back at you, only to be stopped by the small, chaste peck you pressed on his lips, even the small display of affection managing to leave him speechless.

as he settled down next to you, you smiled while looking up at the sky, white clouds covering a part of the beautiful icy blue nothingness that was so much like rafe's eyes, your thoughts on her. you took rafe's hand in yours, keeping your eyes trained up while you let yourselves just exist together.

"you're always going to be in my heart, evelyn louise cameron." you said softly as you traced the patterns on your locket, rafe turning his head to look at you, a somber expression on his face as he pressed a gentle kiss on your forehead.

"yeah, she will. and neither of us will ever forget her."

[felassan]

David Gaider on Cassandra (the last of these retrospective character threads), under a cut for length:

"This is the last of the (major) characters I wrote during my time on Dragon Age. I could go into others, and considered moving onto Stray Gods... but I feel like fewer would be interested, and I honestly can't keep up the pace. So let's make this the last, for now. So, yeah. Cassandra. We knew early on that Cassandra would come into DAI as a companion, along with Varric, that this was part of what DA2 set up for the sequel. Now, I'd written Cassandra's short scenes in DA2, yes, but I wasn't her writer for DAI. Initially, she was Jennifer Hepler's character. By mid-project, in fact, Cassandra was more or less fully written. Jennifer did a great job - solid character, solid quest. The sticking point, it turned out, was her romance. Now, to be fair, Jennifer told me straight up when we began that writing romance wasn't her forte, but she'd give it a go. The problem with the romance as she wrote it wasn't in its execution but more a clash between the character as Jennifer envisioned her and the requirements of her being a romance. See, I mentioned previously that a romance arc inherently limits the kinds of stories you can tell with a companion. Many responses I got can be summed up as "lol skill issue", but consider this: a companion romance isn't a fic you can just throw up on AO3. It's an investment of a lot of resources. If a companion has one, most of their resources need to be devoted to it - it's not "now let's ALSO add a romance"."

"That means it needs to take priority in who they are as a character and their arc. What's more, they need to be *appealing* to a big chunk of the player base - or at least someone we can imagine being broadly appealing, anyway. Thankfully, there are still many many stories this can accommodate. 😊 This, however, wasn't one of those. Was Cassandra a fascinating character? Absolutely. Her romance, though... Well, Jennifer DID warn me. She'd written Cassandra as a serious, self-righteous, pious woman who put the Inquisitor on a messianic pedestal. Romancing her meant changing her view of you. You did this by being... pushy. Jennifer didn't mean it to, I'm sure, but sometimes it came off as, at best, negging. At worst, a bit harassy. And Jennifer would have fixed it. This was a 1st draft, and the issues - while serious - were something a skilled writer like her could handle. No problem. Thing is, Jennifer left. You may not remember, but this was around the time a bunch of GamerGate dudes decided Jennifer was somehow responsible for ALL of BioWare's faults. Oh, the power she wielded! She, a writer, could even command the combat Bio made! The result was a LOT of ugly harassment. 😞 Is this why she left? You'd have to ask her, but it undoubtedly didn't help. The important thing is, she left - and there was nobody as senior nor as superhumanly fast as her to take over any unfinished work. This is where Patrick Weekes comes in: a solid, senior writer who could fill her shoes."

"It was great timing - not only did Cassandra need a writer, I'd slowly fallen more and more behind. It was clear by that point that I'd never be able to write Dorian AND Cole AND Solas as planned. They needed to pick up two. And I let them choose the ones who interested them, like all my writers. Patrick taking Solas was no surprise, and while I had Big Plans for Solas in the future I knew at least he'd be in good hands. I was reeeeaaaally hoping Patrick would then pick Cassandra... but they wanted Cole. My baby. Who I created in Asunder. I grumped, but Patrick clearly loved the character. They had ideas for Cole which... yeah yeah, sounded cool. Fiiine. 😅 Now I had to figure out what *I* was going to do with Cassandra. We couldn't move the romance to someone else, all the other female characters were well underway, and I didn't know the character well enough to fix her with tweaks. That meant a re-write. I didn't WANT to erase all that good work, but I needed to start from scratch. Yet how? A pious, self-righteous character was already a risk in terms of romantic appeal. There are only a small number of traits sorta considered universally unappealing but they're on that list. In this instance, Cassandra already being a known character helped. I came across a webcomic (by aimo, I think? AHH I wish I could find it now) that made a joke about Cassandra reading Varric's books. Off-hand, no basis for it, but funny. 😆 And I thought: YES. THAT'S IT. THAT'S WHAT I'M MISSING."

"I sat down and wrote the "fangirl" scene, just to test it out. Everyone loved it, and it served to change my image of who Cassandra was - a view of the inside, at the idealistic and awkward passion she felt, for so many things... AND the Maker. "Yes," I thought. "I could fall in love with this." Who knew Cassandra could be funny? Not anyone, coming out of DA2, yet here we were. It worked so well and her voice came so easily. Miranda Raison was game ofc, and amazing. Though Caroline did gripe that, if we ever met more Nevarrans THAT accent meant we'd have the Tali Problem all over again. 😅 Cassandra's romance is burned into my brain as the time when we THE most awkward conversation with the animators ever. See, that moment during the sex scene on the picnic blanket when she leans back and... there were suddenly these strategically-placed candles, juuuust covering the Sordid Bits. Thing is, they were so obviously placed just to do that. Plus, we'd already decided to do full nudity in DAI, hadn't we? WHY WERE THEY EVEN THERE? Turns out, the nudity thing was still pretty new to the team. They'd forgotten and put the candles there almost as a reflex. So prudish. So Canadian. 😂 I do find it kind of funny that, these days, what I mostly hear about Cassandra is from female fans upset at me because she wasn't a lesbian option. I mean, right? Who wouldn't want that? Technically not my decision, but I guess I WAS behind the companions having set preferences so... fair enough?"

"Some of them do take it to an entitled place, though, like Cassandra *should* have been a lesbian. Why? Because she looks like one, apparently, and that that's a bit of stereotyping which feels... odd? But it's not as if lesbian players are spoiled for choice left and right, so again: fair enough. It did lead to the best end credits VO perhaps ever, and overall I'm pretty happy with how Cassandra panned out. Things never end up like you expect, right? But such is game dev lyfe. 🥸🖖 Did you know Cassandra was THE most-romanced DAI character, by a good margin? Least, by a good margin? Dorian."

[source thread]

User: "Did you have any hand in her writing for Dawn of the Seeker?" David Gaider: "No, none. Nobody at BioWare had any hand in Dawn of the Seeker, outside of maybe Mike approving the script or direction? Only he could say for sure." [source]

User: "Was Miranda a specific casting choice by anyone on the team (similar to your picks for Merrill/Fenris/Solas), or was she simply a lucky find? I loved Miranda on the BBC series "Spooks", so I was very pleasantly surprised to learn she voiced one of my favourite DA characters" David Gaider: "I don’t remember how Miranda was cast. Auditioned, I expect, and she had a good “steely warrior voice” which is surprisingly uncommon among actresses. The accent she made up was all her, as well." [source]

User: "What's the Tali Problem?" David Gaider: "When Tali was the only Quarian, the actress doing a made-up accent was fine. Once there were others… do we get them all to mimic her? That’s a tall order!" [source]

User: "I'd say Solas is the most popular nowaday, but you need to be such a specific race/gender combo + most straight guys wouldn't go for him, i get hes not on top of the list, but I'd have expected Josephine over Cass." David Gaider: "You can’t go by how fans online talk about playing the game. There is almost zero correlation between the playstyles of the vocal hardcore and the masses." [source]

User: "I was a Dorianmancer. The cut content in Trespasser DLC was sad to read, it definitely felt short/abrupt for Dorianmancers. Anyway to share what was cut at all?" David Gaider: "I don’t know what was cut out of the conversation, as I never played it. I just heard about it after the fact." [source]

User: "Those end credits are truly incredible. Do you remember who wrote them? I'm guessing a combination of Mary Kirby & you?" David Gaider: "I wrote them, but I recall the entire team kind of took part in brainstorming the pieces of it." [source]

User: "I’m very curious- Do you know what direction you would have taken Cole and his story if you’d kept him?" David Gaider: "It's hypothetical at this point, but I suspect I would have been less willing to lose the serial killer aspect... or, at least, would have made that transition occur as part of his arc in DAI. Yet that's easy to say from this side of the divide. Who knows, really?" [source]

User: "With Cassandra you created one of the best characters in DA history." David Gaider: "Personally, my favorite response of hers is where she gets mocked for loving romance and she comes back with a retort about how it's a strength - how loving something and striving for the ideal takes courage. To me, that's central to her core." [source]

User: "inquiry: did you not write any of the Awakening characters?" David Gaider: "I wrote Anders, Justice, and Nathaniel in Awakening - but it was such a hurried project, my memories of it are pretty much a blur. "Yes, I worked on that" is almost all I can say about it, I'm afraid." [source]

[postcardsfromheapside]

No. I wasn't missing the point of most criticism. Literally, I saw post after post of people saying they wished the characters could be mean to each other. Some posts were more specific, like "I don't like Taash," (and I'm sure you can imagine what THAT'S about) and some were more ambigious but cited DA2 and how everyone was bitchy toward each other.

I honestly don't care where you work and what you do, because hopefully most of us after the age of 30 have experienced an adult job where we have to be reasonable with our coworkers, even if we strongly disagree, or outright dislike them. I had the suspicion that most people who think that there is "no conflict," or "low conflict" or "bad writing" in this game haven't experienced this kind of setting in any capacity. What I'm now hearing is that you might have, but you didn't absorb any of the dialogue, or switch out your party to listen to banter, which is an essential function for picking up information in any DA game.

I walked around Arlathan with Lucanis and Harding, and they have a whole ongoing conversation in which she threatens him with one of her special arrows. And he agrees that if Spite should take him over, she should do something about it. Harding isn't frightened, because Harding isn't a pushover, but she's not taking any shit either. Did you walk around with just the two of them right after recruiting Lucanis? Did you frequently visit the rest of the companions so that you could see just how much Lucanis and Davrin *didn't* get along? Neve mentions what sounded like a knock-down drag out fight.

**Just because this isn't explicitly mentioned to you doesn't make it bad writing - it means you haven't had the time we had with Inquisition to play the game over and over and switch out your party so you can see everyone's interactions with each other. You will actually have to play the game multiple times and switch your party out a fair amount in order to see these interactions. Or wait for people to post them to tumblr. You can complain about how unfair this is, or remember that Inquisition has 10 years on this game, and it's been out for just shy of a month.**

Why in the absolute fuck would Davrin manufacture conflict between himself and someone he could easily conjecture isn't pro-slavery based on the fact that within five minutes he could find out she's from Dock Town, she's a private investigator working with the Shadow Dragons, and LITERALLY WHEN YOU GET ONTO THE DOCK WITH HIM, her first priority as she's running back to Minrathous is to say "if the dragon wrecks havoc, the Venatori will take over." Davrin isn't an idiot, he could pretty well surmise that she's not "pro slavery" with only the barest of interactions and Rook saying "yeah Neve's cool."

Why would Neve yell at you? Why is it bad writing for the writers to give Neve a personality you don't agree with, because you're uncomfortable with how she reacts? Neve's an adult who is used to working on her own and people not showing up for her - she says this MULTIPLE TIMES - it's actually a large arc of bonding with her, as a friend and a lover. She's not going to scream at you, she's so far past the point of being loud about disappointment, she's on the other side, for one, and for another, she does in fact understand that the entire North of Thedas is on fire and blighting Treviso is pretty fucking bad when it has no major defenses. Rook doesn't endlessly apologize. She came back after a short pause and while I didn't have her healing abilities after that, it didn't take long for me to boost my bond with her back up and feel like we were friends again.

This honestly feels like you're having a personal reaction that you need to examine, and it's not something to do with the writing, since the game mechanics and the dialogue don't actually bear out what you're putting down here.

All of the companions who have conflict initially have to figure out how to trust each other and it sometimes takes most of the game for them to do that. If you didn't spend the time listening to their banter as they work their way through it, that's not Bioware's problem. That's you. And...I don't want to have repeated conversations where I go into Emmrich's (my romance) room and "vent"? I didn't do that with Cullen. I didn't do that with Anders. Why would it suddenly be a thing here? But if you listen in to people's conversations, they do express dismay and doubt and fear about the various quests they've been on. Again, it feels like you didn't spend the time eavesdropping or taking people out and listening to banter.

I have no idea what you're talking about with flirting. I flirted with every companion at first even though I knew I was running for Emmrich, and all of them responded according to their personality. I romanced Cullen in Inquisition, and he was pretty quiet initially, until you get to Skyhold, and similarly, most of the companions here retain a certain reticence until the game progresses. But if you're looking for people who get flustered - Lace and Bellara absolutely do! And Emmrich isn't flustered, but he's taken aback a few times before he collects himself and flirts back - though whether you'd actually recognize it for flirting, I'm starting to wonder. The fact that you can't tell with Neve is actually making me tilt my head at the screen, and I say this as a self-confessed disaster who is very very bad at knowing someone is interested. Even I can tell what's going on in DA romances.

This is probably a lost cause, but I urge you to either spend time playing the game again, or watch someone else who really loves DA (and is Veilguard positive) play so that you can watch without being in the thick of it, and hopefully experience more dialogue and different choices.

No, I'm not done yet, I'm house sitting and she left me snacks and soda and not even god could keep me from venting my spleen at this point.

"I wish the companions were meaner to each other in this game, like in DA2."

While I think there's a larger argument to be made discussing the similarities between DA2 and Veilguard, I need everyone to get so close to me right now about a glaring difference:

DA2 involved a ragtag group of assholes with their own agendas coalescing around Hawke's personality or exchange of favors. There was no larger "goal," except maybe Varric's expedition - everything else is encountered as circumstance. You wend your way through your companions' stories while a city winds ever tighter into itself, a spring about to literally explode.

There's zero reason for these people to be nice to each other. They have no point in being around each other except Hawke. They can bitch at each other all they like.

Rook becomes Varric's second in command (I've seen one post say it's about 6 months before the events of the game) with an explicit purpose: find and stop Solas. Harding and Neve are recruited as experts in their respective fields for this particular goal. When it all goes to shit, Neve recruits another expert, Lucanis, to deal with the fallout, and Harding finds Davrin, *also* an expert in his field (monster hunting). When Rook has to make a particularly consequence heavy decision, two more are added to the crew: Emmrich (Fade expert) and Taash (dragon expert). All of these people are extremely competent, and know from the jump that they have one particular goal in mind.

They join ready to work together on Day 1 because if they don't, there's simply no other alternative. It's lights out. Even when they mistrust each other, the direness of the situation is not lost on them. Infighting serves no purpose. That's why the struggle is directed inward: clean up your own house, so we can move as a single unit.

Honestly the fact that what people took away from this game was "I wish my friends were meaner to each other" and not "wow, I wish we all worked together to keep evil dictators from taking over" is fucking mindblowing when I sit back and reread this.

[absurdthirst]

The Thanksgiving Departure {Dieter Bravo x F!Reader}

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 14.7k

Warnings: Vaginal fingering, vaginal sex, family issues, heartbreak, alcohol, Dieter being a dick, revelations of infidelity, dishonesty, pregnancy, mentions of miscarriage, mentions of breeding kinks, oral sex (female receiving), unprotected sex

Comments: Married to Dieter Bravo, Thanksgiving turns into the worst day of the year when he abandons you to go to Hollywood for his big break. Never divorcing you and deciding to stroll back into your life on Thanksgiving again years later

Happy Thanksgiving!

Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers

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Dieter sighs as he stares at his script. Another community theater project that he took when he got rejected from his latest audition for Law & Order. He rubs his forehead as the words blur together and he doesn't know how much longer he can do this. He wants to be successful. He wants to be famous...and rich. He can't do that in the middle of fucking nowhere. His hometown is picture perfect. Pumpkin patches in the fall, Christmas parade during December, flower show during spring. Town festivals and even a fucking gazebo in the town square. It's like a movie set but it's not the movie set he wants to be on. His entire life he's dreamed of Hollywood. His dad, before he died when Dieter was ten, showed him the greats. John Wayne. Cary Grant, Marlon Brando. He wants to be like them. A leading man. But he can't do that without going to L.A. "Hey baby." You coo as you walk into the kitchen, frowning when you see his script, "you want me to run lines?" You offer, leaning over to grab the papers, and he growls, shoving the papers across the table. 

"No. No. I don't want to run fucking lines." His tone makes your eyebrows raise and you back away until he reaches for your hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. "I'm sorry. Shit. I- I didn't get the part. The Law & Order part." He admits, feeling sorry for himself.

“Oh baby.” You soften slightly, knowing how much Dieter hates rejection. He wants so badly to be famous and you support him, but it’s honestly not realistic for where you live. Still, you encourage him to pursue his dreams. “They are missing out.” You step closer and wrap your arms around him to give him a hug from behind. “You are the best actor and would have made the show the highest rated episode of the season.”

Dieter huffs, shaking his head, "I love you, but don't flatter me now. I just - I want to give you the damn world and I can't do that stuck here. I know your mom is sick but baby, I want to go to L.A. I can do this. I know I can. I know I can make it." He whines, shaking his head and he turns his head to press his head against yours.

You sigh softly, knowing this is a conversation that has been going on for months. “I can’t- baby- mom needs us here right now.” You’ve been taking care of your mom for months, you and Dieter moving in and providing in-home care so she didn’t have to go into a care home. “When she’s better, we can look at moving out there.” You promise again. One thing that you love about Dieter is his persistence, but he’s also impatient. He doesn’t really want to wait, every day could possibly be his big break in his mind. “Besides, you don’t want to plan a move around the holidays.” You remind him. “Thanksgiving is in two days.”

Dieter doesn't respond, knowing that his dream is slipping away. Your mom doesn't seem to be getting better and you are young but everyone is asking when you're going to have kids. You just got married six months ago. He's not ready to have kids and all it takes is one slip up on your birth control and he's stuck in this two bit town. He pats your hand, "yeah. Yeah, of course. Let's focus on the holidays." He says but his tone doesn't match the smile he offers you.

You know he’s disappointed that you aren’t immediately jumping to pack your bags, but he will have to understand. “I’m baking your favorite pie.” You hum teasingly, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Right after mom’s appointment tomorrow and your mother has already said that she’s bringing the turkey.”

Dieter eyes the script and he wonders about the tape he sent off last week for the role in a new TV show about a detective. He took a chance and auditioned for the lead. It’s a pilot, but could be picked up and he doubts he will get the part. He taps his fingers against the table and turns his head to press his lips to yours. He loves you, he really does, but he feels trapped. “Come here.” He demands, wrapping his arm around you and dragging you into his lap. “Fucking love your pie.” He smiles and presses his lips to yours.

Melting into Dieter easily, you kiss him back, straddling him. Your mother is upstairs resting after a particularly rough day and she will be asleep for a few hours. “I love you.” You coo, grinding down on him with a smirk when he groans. “You want to have sex?” Dieter finds it sexy when you just bluntly ask, so you have taken to doing just that.

Dieter groans, sliding his hand down to squeeze your ass, “yes. Fuck yes.” He smacks your ass and kisses your jaw. “Here or you wanna go to our room?” He asks against our skin, wanting you to decide but he’s already hardening beneath you.

“Here.” Spontaneity has been a little lacking lately with your mother requiring a lot of your time and you know that Dieter will enjoy it. “You can think about it when we are eating dinner here with the family.” You tease.

“You’re too fucking good to me. Think about your pussy while eating your pie.” He teases as he slides his hand under your shirt, “get your damn jeans off.” He demands as he pulls your shirt over your head.

You bite your lip as you stand up, pushing away from him so you can get undressed. “Strip down baby.” You beg, wanting to see him. Dieter has an amazing body, lean and naturally athletic, every time you see him you get wet.

He doesn’t hesitate to pull his shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor, and he stands up to strip his jeans. He never wears underwear so he kicks them aside and sits back down to watch you strip while he wraps his fingers around his cock, pumping himself. “You’re so sexy.” He murmurs, dark eyes watching you with lust. You’re still in your honeymoon stage after six months of marriage and Dieter is always ready to fuck his wife.

“Me?” You snort and shoot him a playful wink. “I’m the one with a hot, actor husband.” You remind him, reaching up and cupping your tits. “You want to fuck me? Or you want me to ride that pretty cock of yours?”

He scoffs at your comment about him being an actor. He wishes. He’s a community theater actor at best. He reaches for you to drag you into his lap, “come here and ride my cock, my beautiful wife.” He demands, groaning when you straddle him and he bends down to take your nipple into his mouth after he cups your tit.

Passion is something Dieter has in spades. He never fails to make you fall deeper in love with him. It’s not like you haven’t been together since you were almost too young for love, but it just keeps growing. “Dee.” You moan, fingers sinking into his short hair. “You should grow your hair out so I can pull it.”

"Can't." He murmurs against your sternum, his face buried between your tits. "I need it short for the show." He presses a kiss to your skin before he lathes his attention on your other breast. His free hand squeezes your ass, "fuck, you're so gorgeous. Wanna eat you out later." He declares after he bites down on your nipple.

You hum, knowing that he can’t grow it out right now, but you would love it. “God, Dee.” You whimper happily, letting him do what he wants while you grind down on his hard cock and roll your hips. You are wet and getting wetter, but he will still stretch you out.

He doesn't want to hurt you if you aren't wet enough so he slides his hand down to cup your cunt, his fingers easily finding your clit to rub slow circles on it.

You moan his name again, loving how he is patient with you. It doesn’t hurt that he’s got a big cock and he knows it. He’s proud of that fact, even if neither one of you has slept with too many people. “God baby, you touch me so perfectly.” You praise breathlessly. “My husband.”

He kisses up your chest until he's pressing his lips to yours while he continues to rub your bundle of nerves. "My sexy, beautiful, smart as fuck wife." He murmurs against your chin and he is throbbing with need for you. "You ready for me?" He asks, his tone a little whiny as he aches for you.

“Yessss.” You hiss, reaching down to wrap your hand around his cock. “I want to ride you, baby.” You pant, lifting your hips as he pulls his hand away and you position him at your entrance.

Dieter hisses as you start to sink down onto him. You’re so fucking perfect and he has always thought it. Ever since you were kids. You’ve always been the most beautiful woman in the room. His hands are everywhere, sliding along your body until he squeezes your ass, letting you adjust while you take him inside your tight cunt.

Dieter always feels amazing, you moan his name as you squeeze him with your muscles. “Fuck I love you.” You pant, kissing along his neck when he turns his head. “You’re my forever baby.”

He groans, helping you rock on top of him, “fucking love you too. So much.” He murmurs, squeezing your ass and his hands slide up your back to pull you even closer as you move on top of him. You’re on your tiptoes as you lift up and slowly sink back down onto his cock. No one has ever made him feel like this, like he is home, but it’s still in the back of his mind to want more from his career.

You don’t know what is rolling through Dieter’s mind as you ride him. All you know is that he feels incredible and you love the way he moans. The way he kisses you. He’s always been a passionate person but he truly makes you feel cherished when he’s touching you, praising you. “I love you. I love how you feel inside me.” You moan, grinding down on him.

Your moan makes him twitch inside you and he watches you as you ride him, taking what you want from him. “Love you too, baby. Tell me - tell me how much you love me.” He whines slightly, needing reassurance from you. He can be insecure and considering his lack of money due to his chosen profession, he feels like he can’t provide for you like he should.

You can tell that he is needy right now and you press your lips to his briefly before you caress his cheek. "To the moon and back." You promise him. "The only one I will ever be married to."

Your words have his heart racing and his stomach clenching when you look into his eyes and you stare at him like he’s the only person in the world, in your world. He loves it and he surges forward to reclaim your lips, needing to be as close as possible to you at this moment.

You love when Dieter is like this, needy and greedy for you. Holding you tight and kissing you like you are the only woman in the world. Even if he dreams big, what you have is real, it’s not an act. You kiss him back just as eagerly, pouring your feelings for him into that simple act while you bounce on his cock.

You take him so well and he groans into your mouth, his tongue sloppily sliding against yours. His hands are everywhere, greedy for you, and he knows you’ll be by his side no matter what. He loves that about you. He tries to get as much of you as possible and it’s so not enough.

Both of you dissolve into moans and grunts of pleasure, the pace picking up to where your tits are bouncing and you feel like Dieter is in your guts. Breathlessly panting praise for him and how his cock feels into his mouth as you feel yourself getting closer and closer to cumming.

He needs to feel you fall apart for him so he slides his hand between you, finding your clit to rub the sensitive bundle of nerves and he groans when you fall apart for him within a few swipes of his fingers. You clamp down on his cock and soak him, collapsing against his chest and he moves fast to wrap his arms around your body, rocking you on top of him as he seeks his own orgasm.

Dieter is frantic and greedy, bordering on desperate as he starts to shuffle his hips up. “I love you, I love you, I love you!” You cry out, gasping as he pushes it towards overstimulation. “Cum for me, baby.”

He falls apart as the command leaves your lips. His cock twitching as he paints your walls with his hot seed. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” He pants as he stiffens beneath you, his face buried in your neck as he cums for you, only for you.

You whine softly, loving how you’ve stopped using condoms since you’ve gotten married. One day you will go off your birth control and start a family, but you’ve decided to wait until your mother doesn't need as much care and Dieter is better established. “I love you.” You whisper, running your fingers through his hair gently.

He pants, kissing your chin as he looks up at you, “love you too.” He murmurs, caressing your back as you embrace while the pleasure echoes through your bodies. He sighs and presses a soft kiss to your lips just as your mom calls your name from upstairs.

You sigh softly. “At least we finished this time.” You chuckle, kissing his lips again before you pull off his cock with a groan. “Coming!” You call up the stairs as you move to the sink to clean up quickly so you can redress.

Dieter sighs, shifting to grab his pants from the floor. He knows you are an incredible person to take care of your mom and moving in with her has helped you both to save up money, hopefully for a move to L.A, but his mother in law has been a cock block since he moved in. He watches you rush around and get dressed before you run upstairs and he redresses, looking down at the script on the table. The phone rings on the wall and he calls out “I’ll get it.” He answers and frowns when they say his name. It’s his agent. The one he’s scrapped money together to get some auditions booked. “You got it! You got the part!” He announces and Dieter’s eyes widen, “th-the lead?” He asks, wanting to confirm. “The lead!” His agent grins and Dieter’s heart thumps in his chest. He got the lead. He got it. He finally did it. He grabs a notepad to take down the details. “So you need to move to L.A. Read through for the pilot is the first week of December.” His agent says and after writing down the details, Dieter says goodbye. His grin makes his cheeks hurt and he shakes his head in disbelief. 

When you come downstairs, his hands are shaking. “She wants some tea.” You announce as you walk to the stove and Dieter spins you around, pressing his lips to yours. “I did it!” He announces and you frown, “did what?” He chuckles, cupping your cheeks, “I got the part.”

“The part?” You’re confused for a moment before your eyes widen. “The part! That’s great baby!” You kiss him again. 

“Yeah we have to be in L.A by December first.” He tells you excitedly, making your face fall into a frown. “In L.A?” You ask, hoping that he is joking. “Yeah, we can go out this weekend and see about getting a place.” He immediately starts rambling and you get more and more worried as he starts to plan out leaving and catching his big break before he finally takes a breath. “Baby….” You bite your lip. “I can’t move to LA. What about mom? What about our life here? My job?” You don’t want to say it out loud, but Dieter has never been the financially stable one of the two of you. You wanted him to chase his dreams and you had always thought once he got it out of his system, he would settle down.

His excitement falters and he stares at you, his brow furrowing. "I, uh, I thought this was always the plan. You know, us, moving to L.A. You working on your art. Me on acting. Our fucking dreams baby. Have you forgotten we have dreams?" He growls, stepping back from you, "or are we gonna fucking die in this goddamn town like our fathers?"

You rear back from the venom in his voice. “Of course I haven’t forgotten we have dreams.” You tell him, hating how he is looking at you. “But sometimes you have to put your dreams on hold. Mom is sick. What am I supposed to do? Leave her alone? Who would take care of her?” You demand. “How will you pay rent if the part falls through? Or the show isn’t picked up? We have stability here. I’m not saying we don’t dream, but I have responsibilities right now.”

Dieter frowns, taking in your words, and his heart breaks. He can’t follow his dream and be with you so he’s going to have to give up his dream. This is his chance, he feels it in his stomach, but he knows you won’t leave your mother. “I can’t stay here forever.” He murmurs, his dark eyes meeting yours.

“I promise it won’t be forever.” You murmur softly, relieved that he is seeing reason. You step closer and he’s not pulling away again. Reaching out and caressing his cheek gently. “Within the next couple of years, we will be chasing our dreams for real.”

Dieter nods despite the part being in the back of his mind but it’s Thanksgiving. Maybe you’ll see reason in a couple of days. He doesn’t phone his agent back to turn down the role, wanting to see how things go. You work on getting the tea ready for your mom and Dieter stands up, “I’ve got a rehearsal for the show later so I’m gonna go shower.” He leans in to kiss your cheek, heading upstairs to the bathroom with Hollywood in the back of his mind.

After taking your mother her tea, you start prepping Thanksgiving. It’s a huge relief to have your family bringing dishes so it’s not all on you. You know you will have a lot to do and taking care of things now will help. Humming to yourself as you make the pie Dieter loves, you smile to yourself. It’s going to be a wonderful holiday.

**** 

Dieter taps his fingers on the table, listening to your uncle ramble on about the election and he clenches his jaw, trying to not snap at him. "Did you vote for that piece of shit or not, Bravo?" Your uncle Frank asks and Dieter sighs, not wanting to get into an argument. "I don't really get into politics." He answers diplomatically and Frank scoffs, "if you guys value your future, you would pay more goddamn attention." Dieter picks up his glass of wine and takes a sip, glancing across the room to where you are rushing around to grab what everyone needs before you all sit down for dinner. "You need any help, babe?" He calls out and you shake your head, "no. No. I'm nearly done. Everyone sit down!" You demand and you carry the mac and cheese to the table while everyone admires the feast in front of them. Your mom wants to say grace so Dieter reluctantly takes your hand, keeping one eye open as he holds his mom's hand on the other side of him. Your mom clears her throat before she speaks, "thank you Lord for the food we are about to eat. Thank you for family, friends, and loved ones. Thank you for every day we wake up and see the sunshine. May we have many days to come." She finishes with a cough and Dieter sees a tear roll down your cheek and he lifts your hand to press a kiss to the back of it while everyone says "Amen." You clear your throat and smile, telling everyone to dig in. 

The table is soon full of food and drinks and your aunt Susan decides to sour Dieter's mood. "So when are you planning on having kids? You two have been married for six months. I was five months pregnant by that stage." She giggles and turns towards you.

You feel Dieter tense beside you and your hand quickly slides under the table to squeeze his knee in reassurance. “We’ve decided to wait.” You remind everyone, the exact same thing you said when you were getting married. “Why? You’re married now, it’s time for you to start a family.” Frankie insists and you shake your head. “We have things we want to do before we have kids. If we even have them at all.” You add.

Frankie scoffs, "don't tell me that you are putting a family on hold so Dieter can become a fucking actor?" Dieter stiffens even more, knowing your uncle wasn't impressed by his career plans and thought he should get a real job to support you and any kids that come along. "I, uh, I got a part, actually. In a pilot, in L.A. It's about a detective." Dieter tries to defend himself and his mom chimes in with "really, baby? That's amazing. Oh I'm so proud of you." She coos, knowing how much her son wants to be an actor. Ever since he was a little boy it's been his dream but your family is relentless. 

"Proud of him? What's he gonna do? Drag her to L.A and leave his mother-in-law when she's sick? She's got fucking cancer and her son in law is gonna fuck off so he can follow some dream and come crawling back here when he fails and get a damn divorce because he didn't put his goddamn family over his selfish ass. He will never be famous." Frankie shakes his head and Dieter drops his fork, shrugging off his mom when she rubs his shoulder and pushing your hand away.

“Uncle Frank, that’s enough.” You hiss, although you aren’t shouting because you want to keep the peace as much as possible. “No, it’s not nearly enough.” He snorts and you shake your head. “Your vision of our life doesn’t matter. If Dieter wants to try to make it big in Hollywood, you should be proud of that.”

"Don't." Dieter murmurs, clenching his jaw, and he shoves his napkin on the table, "I'm sorry. I - I gotta go to the bathroom." He declares and you frown, "babe" but he strides off without glancing back at you. He storms into your bathroom, leaning over the vanity to look at himself in the mirror. 

"I have a fucking role. I know I can do it. I know I can be an actor. Just need a fucking chance." He hisses through his teeth. "All I need is a chance. I'll fucking prove that asshole wrong." He growls to himself and glances at his toothbrush sitting next to yours. He will never make it in Hollywood if he stays here. He will never prove them wrong. You'll get pregnant and he will give up on his dream. He'll lose his hair, go grey, get wrinkles, and a beer gut like every other fucker in this town. He will be a loser just like them. "I'm not a fucking loser." He mutters and grabs his toothbrush.

“Why do you have to be an asshole?” You hiss to your uncle as everyone else shifts uncomfortably. “The boy has to face reality.” Frank insists, frowning heavily. “He’s not going to be an actor. He needs to get a better job to support you instead of you paying all the damn bills and running yourself ragged while he pretends to work at that stupid little community theatre.”

Dieter rushes around your bedroom, packing essentials, and he grabs a piece of paper from your nightstand, scribbling out a message to you. You'll come to find him any second so his handwriting is awful. He slings his duffel bag over his shoulder and looks at the bed you share. Hopefully you understand why he's doing this. He loves you but he needs to do this for himself. He has to prove everyone wrong. He hesitates for a second when he sees your wedding photo as he turns towards the door and he sighs, shaking his head before he makes his way downstairs quietly. "You need to dump his ass. That Grayson boy wanted to marry you and he works at his daddy's dealership. He's got a career and he's gonna be a big deal in this town. Should've married him." Frank scoffs and Dieter swallows harshly, making his way down the hall to the front door. He opens it softly and steps outside, the cold air making him shiver and he gets in his car, not hesitating as he backs out the driveway and begins his journey. "L.A here I come." He mutters, knowing he will return to his hometown a fucking Oscar winner.

You finally have to leave the table. Not even your mother chiding your uncle has helped and you are sick of his damned opinions. “Dee?” You knock on the door to your shared bedroom, wanting to give him a chance to compose himself if he’s upset. He’s a lot more sensitive than most would believe. “Baby….” You open the door and frown when you don’t see him sitting on the bed and looking miserable. “Hun?” The bathroom light is off and you sigh. Thinking that maybe he had gone outside until you spot the paper on the bed. Stomach sinking in dread, you stare at it for a moment before you reach for the slip of paper. Hand trembling, you unfold it and see that Dieter has scrawled “I can’t wait for my dreams. I’m sorry.” You choke back a sob, realizing that he’s left and you don’t even know when he’ll be home.

**** 

"Fuckkkkk yessss." Dieter groans as he watches the woman take his cock into his mouth while her boyfriend slides into her from behind. It's a naughty sight he's familiar with and he fucking loves it. "Look so fucking gorgeous." He coos and the man smirks, "says the Oscar winning actor and People's Sexiest Man of the Year 2023." Dieter smirks, chest puffing slightly as the woman giggles as she squeezes his cock. "should get best cock of the year too." She coos and Dieter caresses her cheek, "fuck. You two are gonna make me cum with words." He smirks, "you free next weekend?" He asks, wanting to spend more time with his co-stars. 

"We are going to New York. It's - fuck - Thanksgiving." The man reminds Dieter who frowns as his cock is pushed further down the woman's throat. Thanksgiving. Something he hasn't celebrated in the years since he left you during the middle of dinner. His assistant has probably booked for him to go to Hawaii again. "Guess I'll see you when you get back." He says and smirks when he shifts onto his knees to kiss his co-star. 

**** 

"What do you mean the fucking flight is canceled?" Dieter growls at the check in assistant at the first class desk. He would travel private but holidays are fucking expensive. "I'm sorry, Mr. Bravo, but the flights have been canceled to Hawaii. The fires..." She trails off and Dieter scoffs, "what a joke. So what the fuck am I gonna do?" He asks her, eyebrows raised above his aviators. "We can get you a flight somewhere else. Or a refund. If you want to go somewhere, this flight is leaving at the same time as your previous flight." She turns the screen and his jaw drops when he sees the flight is to his hometown. "No. No. Not there. Anywhere but there." He demands and she nods, "I can issue a refund but-" Dieter cuts her off, "actually. Get me a ticket. First class." He demands, remembering that he hasn't seen his mom in years and his co-stars talked about how nice it is to go home for the holidays. He will go home and show everyone in that fucking town that he's back. The Oscar Winning Actor who won Sexiest Man of the Year 2023 is fucking back. "There you go, Mr. Bravo. Enjoy your trip." She hands him the ticket and he smirks, "oh I will."

**** 

“Mom, I really don’t feel like celebrating this year.” It’s the same comment you make every year, but you are always overruled. “Don’t be ridiculous.” True to what you had told Dieter, your mother had beaten cancer and was now happily in remission. You still live with her, not because you are taking care of her, but because you didn’t want to live alone after Dieter had left you. “Don’t worry, I’ve already invited Sean.” She assures you. “And Debra won’t mind him being there.” You roll your eyes, wishing that Dieter’s mother wasn’t also your mom’s best friend and automatically invited to every family event. Even if you were technically still family since Dieter would never sign the damn divorce papers.

Dieter takes his glasses off his face when he rings the doorbell of his childhood home and his mom answers within a few moments. "Dieter?" She gasps, shocked to see her son, "hi mom." He smiles and she squeals, surging forward to wrap her arms around his neck. "You're home. I can't believe it." She cries and Dieter embraces her. Despite his playboy reputation in L.A, he's always been a momma's boy. "I missed you. Let me look at you." She cups his cheeks and frowns, "you don't eat enough and you pierced your ear. And got more tattoos." She tuts, "but other than that, you are my boy." She kisses his cheek and lets go of him when he flushes, "mom." She steps back and ushers him inside, "come in, come in. I'm just cooking." Dieter follows her inside the familiar home and it hasn't changed. 

"I'm just cooking for the dinner tomorrow." She explains and Dieter raises his eyebrows, "dinner?" She nods and says your mom's name, "it's Thanksgiving." She says with a giggle, "silly goose." Dieter frowns, "I, uh, I should probably stay here. I'll be fine." He promises and his mom nods, "yeah. She will be there." His mom never mentions your name on the phone when she discusses her best friend and her life. He heard about your mom beating cancer and he took a hit of coke to celebrate. "She's engaged. So it's probably best that you don't go." She says, still protective over you despite Dieter being her son. She was shocked when you came back in to announce that Dieter had left and she wanted to slap him silly for leaving the best thing to ever happen to him. Even if he was preoccupied with his dreams. "Engaged?" Dieter chokes, knowing he has no right to be shocked but his stomach twists. "She's happy." His mom says and Dieter scoffs, "happy. Still in this damn town. She can't be happy. Who's she engaged to?" He asks and Debra sighs, "Sean Grayson. He's good for her. Baby, I know...I know you left and wow, you've made me so proud seeing you as an Oscar winner and all but...it's time to let her go." She reaches for his hand and Dieter pulls his hand away before she can touch him. 

"I want to meet him. I'm going to dinner." He declares, spinning on his heel to call around, see if he can at least get some weed from someone around town. "Oh boy." Debra mutters, knowing this year will be drama filled but maybe it will be good for everyone to get closure.

Waking up on Thanksgiving is always so damn surreal for you. You dread the day, wouldn’t do anything but hide in your bed if you had your way, but you can’t do that. Your mom only let you have the first year after Dieter left to sulk. After that, she had decided Thanksgiving would go on, and so would you. So you just wake up and stare at the ceiling, knowing that this would be the last year you would sleep in this bed. The same one you shared with Dieter although you had replaced the mattress five years ago. “Fuck.” You groan, looking over at the nightstand where another copy of the divorce papers are waiting to be mailed after the holiday.

Dieter wakes up with a groan as his mom bangs on the door to his childhood bedroom. "Dieter! We are leaving in twenty minutes!" Debra shouts through the door and Dieter winces as he rubs his cheek. "Ugh, shit." He rasps as he glances at the clock. It's nearly eleven. He managed to find some weed last night. Ironically the dealer was the same kid who would sell weed in high school and he was shocked when Dieter met him. "No way man, I fucking loved you in Hunger Strike. Here, some E on me." He shoved the baggies at Dieter who offered him a polite smile and paid him before smoking in his room like he used to do when he was sixteen. He rolls out of bed and showers, groaning at his reflection. He's older, wrinkled, graying hair. Everything Frank said he would be but he's famous. He's successful. That's all that matters and today, he gets to show that to everyone who doubted him. He dresses in nicer jeans and a button down, wanting to appear successful since they cost more than someone's rent for the month. "You ready, mom?" He asks and Debra nods, "are you ready?" She emphasizes and Dieter smirks, "let's go."

Even though you would rather be anywhere else, you come downstairs dressed nicely and make sure that you put on makeup this morning. Sean likes when you dress up for him and since this is the first Thanksgiving spent with him here, you make the effort. Hours later, it is almost time for everyone to arrive and you are putting your pie in the oven.

The drive to your mom's house is quiet and Dieter looks out at the town he left in the dust. It hasn't changed and he is nervous. He knows you must hate him. You've sent him divorce papers several times throughout the years but he has never signed them. He doesn't really know why. Sometimes he's gotten high or drunk and signed them but never mailed them. Sometimes he's ripped them up and had his assistant overnight them back to you. He should give you a divorce but he can't do it. Even if he doesn't know why. Pulling up on the familiar driveway, he adjusts his sweater and follows his mom to the front door, bracing himself as she rings the doorbell.

“I’ll get it!” You just texted Sean, so you are pretty sure that it’s Debra. If you can get the talk about Dieter out of the way before he gets here, you would feel a lot better. The last thing you want to do this year is be reminded all day that your husband left you. “Hi, Deb-“ your smile freezes as you open the door to your mother in law and find not only her, but your absentee husband standing on the doorstep with a disgustingly charming smile on his handsome face. “What the fuck?”

Dieter slides his eyes down your body, taking in the sight of you after so many years apart and God, you’re just as fucking beautiful. But you are glaring at him like he just shot your dog and he guesses he deserves that. “Hi honey. I’m home.” He jokes, unable to do anything else right now.

“Are you delivering the divorce papers in person?” You demand and he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest defensively. “What divorce papers?” He feigns ignorance and Debra chuckles awkwardly. “Now, now, it’s Thanksgiving!” She reminds both of you before she calls out to your mom. “Where do you want the casserole?” She slides by you into the house and leaves you staring at Dieter.

“I wanted to come home and see everyone. Is there something wrong with that?” Dieter continues to smile, loving how affected you seem to be by his appearance. “I missed my mom’s casserole.” He pouts, “and you.”

You rock your jaw, seeing how Dieter’s smile has shifted to a smirk. “Missed me?” You snort and you know that you have to let him in or risk causing a scene. “I doubt that. Where’s that fitness model you were dating? And the hotel concierge?” You watch him shift and his arms drop to his sides, telling you when he’s feeling guilty. “Guess they couldn’t make it?” You don’t invite him in, but you turn and just walk away with the door still open.

Dieter clenches his jaw, knowing his flings have been well broadcasted and his relationship with Anika fell apart because she wanted to get married and he couldn’t explain why he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t tell her he was already married. He huffs and strides into your house, one he knows well but there are differences in decor since he was last here. Shutting the door behind him, he follows you down the hall into the living room where your family is gathered. “Uncle Frank.” Dieter grins, walking over to the old man to slap him on the back, “so good to see you.”

Your uncle Frank’s eyes widen in shock when he turns to see the man he had once called a loser standing next to him. Dieter is successful, famous and rich. He chokes out a “Dieter,” without swallowing his tongue. “You’re here for Thanksgiving?”

Dieter wishes there was a camera to take a photo of the man who ridiculed him so many years ago for chasing his dream. Dieter nods, “yes. Figured I’d come home and see everyone. How you doing?” He asks and Frank chokes out “I’m the same.” Dieter tuts and shakes his head, “that’s a shame. You’ve done nothing with your life.” He mocks and your aunt Susan comes over to him, “you were amazing in Hunger Strike. You really deserved the Oscar.” She says and Dieter grins, standing straighter, “yeah. Thanks. I, uh, I worked my ass off on that role.”

You walk into the kitchen, seething in anger that Dieter just waltzes back into your life and now it could ruin everything. “Why the fuck is he here?”

Your mom sighs, “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know Deb was bringing him. Hell, I didn’t even know he was back home. What - what are you gonna do? Sean is arriving any minute.” As soon as she says that, the doorbell rings.

“Oh shit.” Your eyes close in frustration and you rush out of the room to open the door before anyone else. Luckily Dieter is letting your aunt fawn and coo over him, as if she’s not completely aware that he had broken your heart.

Dieter watches you rush past the living room down the hall and he offers your aunt a smile as she gushes over his movies. This is what he wanted. To return to adoration. To come back be someone. Not a loser. His grin is cocky as he accepts her praise until you walk into the living with Sean Grayson behind you. He hated that kid in high school. He was a jock who’d make fun of Dieter for being the weird theater kid.

“Listen, I don’t think it’s a good idea if we stay.” You murmur to Sean. “Don’t be ridiculous.” He huffs. “I’ve been looking forward to Thanksgiving with your family.”

Your family, especially Uncle Frank, all coo over Sean as he strides into the living room and your uncle reaches out to shake his hand. “So glad you could come.” He grins and Dieter rolls his eyes, he’s never been greeted like that by your asshole uncle. Sean makes the rounds to say hello until he’s facing Dieter. “Oh. Wow. Bravo. You’re back in town.” Sean says and Dieter nods, holding out his hand, digging his rings into his flesh a little harder than normal. “Yep. Back in town. Figured I’d have a small town Thanksgiving for once instead of trying to cool down in Hawaii.”

You bite your lip and watch your fiancé interact with your technical husband. He smiles that smarmy smile you’ve noticed he’s developed over the years when you’ve accidentally seen interviews and articles with him in them. The one that you can tell is fake. “I need a drink? Does anyone need a drink?” You ask. “Sean, why don’t you come help me, sweetheart?”

​​Dieter watches you walk off with Sean and Uncle Frank nudges the actor. “New man on the scene. You know, his daddy gave him the dealership. Boy is making good money and he bought her a hell of a ring. Much nicer than that tin you gave her.” Frank snorts and Dieter clenches his jaw and gives him a tight smile. “I wasn’t rich then. I could buy her a million dollar ring and still not touch the sides.”

“But why would you?” He asks. “You’re banging everything you can get your hands on. We aren’t so small town that we don’t know what you’re doing in Hollywood.” In the kitchen, you are rushing to get the wine glasses while Sean gets the wine. “I can’t believe Bravo came.” Sean snorts. “Got to be a shock to see your ex-husband here.”

Dieter snorts, wishing he had a cigarette or something to distract himself from the hell he volunteered for. He imagined you would be grateful for his return and he’s found you engaged to a fucking asshole who used to bully him. “True. You know, I was in a throuple.” Dieter smirks, “wore me out and I ended it because I needed to give my body a break, if you know what I mean.” He smirks, crossing his arms over his chest.

Frank curls his lip and turns away from Dieter, moving over towards his wife and leaning in to whisper something in her ear. “Yeah- uh, it’s kind of a shock.” You tell Sean, quickly opening the bottle he opened and pouring out drinks. “Just- um, please don’t talk about the wedding or anything?” You beg him. “I don’t want Dieter to try to bring up the past today. I don’t know if I can handle it.” Sean knows all about Dieter leaving you on the holiday and has been supportive of you so far. You can only hope that Dieter doesn’t run his fucking mouth. You’ve never actually told Sean you are still married to the actor, assuming he would get bored of whatever little game he had been playing and sign the damned papers. The judge wouldn’t grant you a divorce without Dieter present because of his fame and the wealth he has, despite you promising the old coot you just wanted the divorce. He had also been the one to marry you and Dieter forever ago and had a history of no divorces amongst the couples who had been married by him. It makes you want to tear your hair out.

Sean nods, coming over to you so he can rub your upper arms. “Don’t worry, baby. It’s gonna be okay. We won’t let him ruin this holiday again.” Sean murmurs, leaning in to kiss your forehead. “Just ignore him and if you want, I’ll kick his ass.” Sean smirks, “been wanting to do it since high school anyway.”

You frown slightly, hearing an anticipation in Sean’s voice that you didn’t like. You know they didn’t get along in high school, but that was so long ago. “No, nothing like that.”

Sean nods, "fine. Let's get a drink and ignore his ass." Sean reaches for a bottle of beer and opens it, talking a gulp. Meanwhile, Dieter is thanking your mom when she hands him a glass of white wine. He wishes it was stronger but he doesn't want to get sloppy. Today, he's here to show everyone that they were wrong.

You try not to even look at Dieter when you come back into the room, reassured by the kiss shared in the kitchen and the weight of Sean’s hand on your waist. “Dinner should be ready in fifteen.” You tell everyone, smiling but avoiding looking over towards Dieter and Debra.

Dieter's gaze drops to the hand on your waist and he shifts from one foot to the other. He knows he has no claim over you but he feels jealous. He talks to his mom who smiles at him, happy he's home, and finally, everyone is sitting down for dinner. 

"So, Bravo, why'd you come back? To this town?" Sean asks after you walk into the kitchen to grab the salt and pepper. "To see my mom. To see everyone since I've been gone for so long." Dieter answers and Sean snorts, "yeah. Years. Looks like you've been busy too. Work wise and with partners." Dieter snorts, "true. I have been very busy." He smirks, "that's why I came home. I needed rest."

You look down at your plate after sitting down, pretending not to care about the conversation but it stings. A knife to your chest just like that time….you reach for your glass and take another gulp of your wine. Dieter had moved on, obviously, and so have you. It does no good to delve into the past. “Well, our small town is the perfect place for rest.” You manage brightly, picking up your fork again.

Dieter hums, “that it is. That it is.” Sean narrows his eyes slightly when he sees the way Dieter looks at you. “So what are your plans? Just hanging around? Or you gonna go out? We don’t need the town to be disrupted.” He bites at Dieter who chuckles and nods, “I’m used to signing autographs and taking photos. I just don’t want fans to be stalking me. I’ve had some issues back home with fans following me home. I did take one to bed once but she ended up being crazy.”

You shudder, forking up a bite of your food and holding it at your mouth. “I’m sure that after tonight Dieter will go back to LA where he belongs.” You look towards your fiancé. “Our small town is boring and there’s nothing here for him.” You’ll give him the papers again when Sean leaves.

Dieter shakes his head, “I wouldn’t say that. This town has its charms.” His dark eyes focus on you, “but enough about me. What about you two? Tell me how you met.” He orders, setting his fork down to take a sip of wine.

You are about to change the subject, but Sean actually reaches over and squeezes your knee. “Well, her car was on its last leg, a rolling road hazard really, so she came in to find another vehicle.” Sean explains. “Since dad turned over the dealership to me, I find that I actually like to be on the sales floor. I sold her on the idea of that pretty little car in the driveway and a date.” He chuckles at his own joke and you smile at him when he looks over, although your appetite is gone and your stomach is in knots.

Dieter chuckles, a fake smile on his face as he looks at you. You look a little sick, definitely look like you want to floor to swallow you up. “And do you make her cum?” Dieter asks bluntly, “because she used to love it when I ate her out.”

“Dieter!” His name is not only hissed by you, but by his mother, and your own. Your aunt gasping and your uncle grumbling about degenerate behavior while you wish you could just disappear. Sean stiffens but he looks over at you and smirks. “Well, I’m the one taking care of her now.” He turns back towards Dieter. “And I’m not talking about my fiancée like that.”

Dieter falters for a second upon hearing you’re engaged to that asshole but he recovers and smirks back, “so you eat her ass? She used to love that. Would make her drip onto the bed sheets.” He continues to push the boundaries and his mother slaps his arm, “I cannot believe you. Be quiet.” She pleads but Dieter stares at Sean, silently challenging the man you’re engaged to.

Your face feels like it’s on fire, thoroughly embarrassed by Dieter’s childish behavior and the very personal questions. Sean snorts and shakes his head. “You’re something else, Bravo.” He tells him. “It’s a good damn thing she didn’t stay in LA with you. You would have mortified her in interviews.”

Dieter leans back in his chair, his brow furrowing, "what are you talking about? She didn't come to L.A." He scoffs, "she never wanted to come to L.A. She wanted to stay in this shithole town and have babies and die having never achieved anything."

Sean frowns and looks at you. “I thought you said you met up with him in LA to give him the divorce papers?” He asks and you huff out a nervous smile. “I mean- I did, but I-“ Dieter chuckles. “Nope. Never happened.” He announces. “Dieter-“ you try to stop him, but he just smirks at Sean. “We’re still married.”

Dieter watches Sean's face drop and he chuckles, "she didn't tell you? She's still Mrs. Bravo." He reveals and his mom nudges him but this moment is so satisfying. To see that smug look fall from that asshole’s face. "We don't have a pre-nup so it's not financially viable for me to divorce."

“You told me you were divorced.” Sean’s eyes narrow towards you and you know that he’s pissed. “Baby, I’ve been trying to-“ “You know how I feel about shit like that!” He hisses, his chair scraping the floor as he pushes back from his plate quickly. “You’ve been lying to me. I can’t-“ he shakes his head and stalks around the table to edge towards the door. Leaping up, you rush after him, hoping you can explain.

Dieter smirks and his mom slaps his arm again, “why would you do that?” She asks and Uncle Frank scoffs, “because he’s an asshole.” Dieter hums, feeling satisfied to make Sean angry. “Well, let’s not let the food go to waste.” He declares and digs back into his food.

Outside you are chasing after Sean. “Wait! I can explain.” You tell him, making him stop and spin around. “You can explain how you’ve been lying to me?” He demands, his face showing how hurt and upset he is. You sigh. “I’ve been trying to divorce Dieter since I went to LA. But he refuses to do anything with the papers I’ve sent his lawyer, his agent, him directly.” You wave your arm around in frustration. “And the judge will not do anything until he does sign them!”

“So you accepted my proposal knowing you are already married? What were you gonna do? Be a bigamist?” He hisses and you shake your head, tears in your eyes. “I can’t- I can’t marry someone who lies to me and I need time. I- I’ll call you later.” He shrugs off your touch when you reach for him and he stomps over to his car, getting in and speeding off down the road.

You watch the car for a moment, angry and hurt, even though you know that he is right. You lied to him, afraid of losing the first stable relationship since Dieter had left you. Walking back inside, you find Dieter calmly eating Thanksgiving dinner like he hadn’t just turned your life upside down again. “Thanks for that, you fucking selfish prick!” You yell. “Why did you even come back here now? To ruin Thanksgiving for me all over? Mission accomplished!” You turn back around and rush out of the house again, tears streaming down your face.

Dieter scoffs and stands up, following you outside because he needs to say what he’s been thinking since he arrived. You spin around when you see him, telling him to leave you alone. “Like you really wanted to marry that prick. He just wants you to be a homemaker. Pop out his babies. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about your dreams. I did, remember? But you didn’t follow your dreams. You stayed here to fucking rot in this fucking town.” Dieter growls, “you’re the one who gave up on us. Not me. I left to do what we always said we’d do. I had the balls to follow my dreams.”

“Fuck you.” You hiss, glaring at him and wanting so back to slap him. “Apparently following your dreams was also fucking other people!” You watch as his eyes widen and you laugh at the irony. “I went to LA, Dieter! A week after you mailed me your apartment key, I flew out to surprise you. Mom had just been told the cancer treatment had been successful and I wanted to tell you in person.”

Tears are streaming down your face as you tell him. “I crept into the apartment only to find your dick down some bitch’s throat while her boyfriend was fucking her. Allllllll while you moaned about how you were going to fuck them both. So I left.”

He flinches, remembering that night, and he wondered why his door was unlocked at the time but figured his guests hadn’t locked it. “I- I- what was I supposed to do? You didn’t want me. You made it clear that I didn’t matter when I got the part and you refused to follow me. Your mom could’ve come with us. I don’t - I refuse to apologize for living my damn life.” He growls back before he swallows and slumps, “I’m sorry. I- fuck - okay? I’m so goddamn sorry. I missed you. Whenever I got drunk, I’d pick up the phone and call you and you’d answer and - and I’d lose my shit and hang up. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have left but I achieved my dream. I couldn’t stay here and be called a loser by your family anymore. I had to prove myself and my chance came. I had to take it. No matter the cost.”

“No matter the cost.” You nod, feeling deflated. “That cost was our marriage. But I guess it was worth it, right?” You ask. “You get to fuck whoever you want, everyone wants to fuck an Oscar winner.” You turn around and rush off, wanting to be alone.

He lets you walk away this time, knowing how you feel and he can tell you hate him. He’s ruined everything for you because he was selfish and wanted to achieve his dreams. Your mom was sick, he should’ve stayed, but it’s too late to turn back the clock. He watches you walk off and feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s your mom. “I- I’m sorry. I ruined her life.” He murmurs and turns to look at his mother in law. 

“You know, I was so angry when you left. On Thanksgiving of all days. She fell apart. Wouldn’t speak to me. Just helped me get better and I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for her, but I feel guilty. She never got to achieve her dreams. I held her back. And to know that I could’ve stopped you from your success is equally as bad. I hate you for leaving her but I love you for accomplishing your dream. When I was sick, I had so many regrets. I had to face death and I realized I didn’t do anything that I set out to do. After you left, I decided to do all the things that I wanted to do when I was better. I did all that and it’s because of you. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be regretting all the things I didn’t do. You are a great actor, Dieter, but right now, you need to be yourself and be honest. Do you want to be married to my daughter when you are in L.A and she has found someone who can give her what she needs? She wants children. She wants to be happy. She can’t do that if she’s constantly clinging to the past. Do the right thing.” She urges and Dieter sighs, leaning in to kiss her cheek. “I’ll go talk to her.” He promises, knowing where you are. Where you used to go. It doesn’t take long to walk to the park, finding you on the swing set you’d hang out at as kids.

You sniff as you kick at the rubber that they replaced the old sand with. It’s not nearly as satisfying as you had thought when you got to tell Dieter off and him being here has stirred up emotions you had thought you had buried deep enough. Sean is a good guy, but he isn’t Dieter. He doesn’t dream with you, and he can be annoyingly practical all the time. You hate how your heart had kicked in your chest when you opened the door to see your husband standing there. As if you sense his presence, you look up to see him walking towards you. Making you sigh softly and kick off to start swinging.

Dieter approaches you cautiously, not wanting to be screamed at again, and he sits down on the swing next to you. “Your mom talked to me. She’s still the same. Like my second mom.” He chuckles and glances at you until he turns his gaze to the falling leaves. “I’m sorry I’m such an asshole. I have been selfish and I shouldn’t have left. I should’ve stayed. Talked to you. Made a plan together.” He inhales deeply, “I’ll sign the papers. No arguments. I’ll let you go so you can be happy with Sean.”

You sigh, continuing to swing as you absorb what he is saying. “It doesn’t matter now.” You finally admit. “Sean’s first wife had an affair so he hates liars and cheaters.” You snort to yourself. “And technically, I’m both.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve really fucked up your life. I’ll sign the papers and get you one of those uh, what is it the models want, a Birkin bag.” He teases and you roll your eyes. “I won’t fuck your life any more. I’ll sign the papers.” He promises softly.

“Why wouldn’t you sign them before now?” You ask. “Seriously? I asked for nothing. Not one dime. No spousal support, no alimony, nothing. But you wouldn’t sign them while you were galavanting around the world and having public relationships with models.”

He looks down at his hands, the tattoo he got when he was eighteen of the circle you’d draw on his hand during class. He rubs the circle and sighs, “because I never stopped loving you. I know you won’t believe me and I’m not asking for anything but I thought if I signed the papers…it’s over. We are over. I didn’t want to face that when no one in Hollywood ever loved me. Not for me. Not like you did. I love you and I was selfish to keep you trapped in our marriage while I did whatever I wanted, whoever I wanted. I’ll sign the papers and I’ll talk to Sean. Tell him it was my fault. I threatened you to not sign the papers because I- I don’t know, because I didn’t want to give you any money. I’ll take the blame and you can be single and marry him, if that’s what you want.”

“You know you broke my heart, when you left?” You ask softly. “That's why I wouldn’t talk to you in the beginning. I was upset. If you had just talked to me about a plan that didn’t just include dropping everything, I would have gone along.” You continue to swing as you talk. “I wanted to be with you in LA. Wanted to help you make your dream come true, but you didn’t need me. You had everyone else.”

Dieter shakes his head, flexing his fingers, “everyone else?” He scoffs, “no one really wanted me. They wanted fame, money, connections. They didn’t give a fuck about me. The real me. I had to get lost in the haze of drugs and booze to feel something. No one has ever made me feel like you do.” He admits, “no one ever came close to you.”

“Poor Dieter.” You don’t murmur it sarcastically like you probably should have, despite everything you have to admit to yourself that you still love him. “You have everything you wanted and are more alone than ever.”

He knows he should put his walls back up and say his life is amazing but he is exhausted from pretending. “No one loves me. Not really. They only love what I can give them.” He sighs and rubs his hands.

“Your mom loves you.” You point out, even though you know that’s not what he means. Dieter huffs and you smile at his pout. “I still love you.” You admit. “It’s why I’m so fucking angry at you.”

Dieter clicks his tongue, “you still love me? Why? I’ve treated you like shit. Worse than shit. You should hate me. Fuck, I hate me.” He confesses, staring at the tarmac beneath his feet. “You deserve everything.”

“You can’t help who you love, Dieter.” You remind him, scoffing at both of you. “You broke my heart and refused to let me move on, but I watched the Oscars the night you won.” You confess. “Got drunk when I saw you making out with that model at the Vanity Fair after party.”

“I had - my PR needed me to date and make a name for myself until it became about me helping those girls make a name for themselves. I didn’t connect with anyone. Never had a relationship. Just one night stands. It was never serious. It was never you.” He closes his eyes and sighs.

“There’s no way I could compete with those women.” You scoff. “And men. They are gorgeous.”

Dieter chuckles humorlessly, "pretty but so fucking dumb. Trust me, baby. None of them had a lot of brain cells. They are beautiful but none of them wanted to talk about life. They just wanted to be seen with me and go on their way when they got what they wanted."

Some might call you stupid, but you feel bad for him. Dieter has always had this need to feel love, to be connected to someone. “I’m sorry that fame hasn’t been all you thought it would be.” You murmur. “I know that after I came back from LA, I- I just lost my passion. I couldn’t work on my art anymore. Everything was just dismal.”

“The grass ain’t always greener, huh?” He snorts and kicks his feet as he swings. “I’m sorry. I sent you that key when I was high and I always miss you when I’m high. I wanted to see you and figured that was one way to get you to L.A. I didn’t know…fuck, I wish I’d known.” He admits, “I, uh, I haven’t been with anyone for six months. Kinda lost the appeal. Casual sex. I miss how we used to be. Our sex.” He confesses, glancing at you.

“We had great sex.” You admit, never telling Sean that he didn’t quite measure up to your ex. That would have been wrong. “Maybe too good of sex.” You sigh again. “A month after you left, I found out I was pregnant. Or I thought I was.”

Dieter’s eyes widen, “you thought you were-? Did you-? I mean, I completely understand if you decided to, you know.” He finishes softly, his stomach twisting.

“No.” You quickly shake your head. “I, uh, lost the pregnancy a couple of weeks later.” You had confirmed with your doctor that it was likely you were in the early stages but it obviously wasn’t meant to be. He told you that stress could have caused it, or there was something wrong with the baby to not be viable. Either way, it had felt like the universe was telling you to let Dieter go. And then a month later you found him fucking another couple.

He hates that he wasn’t there, that he possibly caused it if you were upset by him leaving. “I’m so sorry.” He murmurs, “I know - there’s nothing I can say that will make that better or make it right.” He reaches for your hand to squeeze it, “I ruined your life. Your happiness.”

It’s the first time Dieter has touched you since he left so many Thanksgivings ago, but your heart still pounds and your skin tingles. “I wish we could have done things differently.” You squeeze his hand back gently.

Dieter nods, “me too. I wish I hadn’t fucked up. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.” He confesses and kisses the back of your hand, “even better than an Oscar, but…that time of our lives is over now. I know you can’t forgive me. I’ll sign the papers.” He promises, letting go of your hand.

You frown to yourself as you wrap your hand around the chain for the swing and push off again. “Do you remember that weekend we each told our parents we were going to stay at a friend’s house and we went to that little cabin your grandfather owned?”

Dieter frowns, the memory is one that got buried beneath the haze of drugs and booze but he remembers. “Yeah. Our first time.” He smiles, fondly reminded of the night you first slept together. “It was so fucking cold and I couldn’t get the fire started. Turns out having sex is a great way to keep warm.” He chuckles, starting to swing alongside you.

“That was the day I decided I was going to marry you.” You hum at the memory, smiling softly at the way a very young Dieter had panicked that he had ruined the moment for you. You had both been kids at the time, growing up together. “That’s a fun fact that the world doesn’t know about Dieter Bravo.” You tease. “You married the girl that took your virginity.”

Dieter chuckles, “Entertainment Tonight would have a field day.” He winks at you when you giggle, “it took me way too damn long to propose to you but I was scared you were gonna say no. Who wanted to marry a wannabe actor making his money in a community theater with no house? I was a shitshow.” He scoffs, shaking his head at himself.

“You were my shitshow.” You laugh, leaning back in the swing and kicking your feet higher. “It was us against the world back then, and I didn’t believe you would make it honestly, but I wanted you to try.”

“Hey. My improv was fucking great.” He defends himself playfully, “but I had to try. Even if I went to L.A and failed, I had to try. I couldn’t live life thinking what if. Imagine if I hadn’t gone? I’d be sat at the kitchen table with our kids wondering what could’ve been. I just wish you’d been by my side when I left.” He says as he swings.

“Hard to be by your side when you left without a word. Just a note on the bed.” There’s no heat in your tone, just irony. “It just- wasn’t meant to be.”

“And Sean is meant to be?” Dieter snorts. “Do you really want to marry that asshole?”

“He’s…..” you blow out a sigh, “safe.” You admit to him and to yourself. “I like him, he’s a good man……” you know you aren’t answering the real question and it’s ironic that Dieter is the only one to ask you that since you and Sean got engaged. “No.” You confess after a moment. “I don’t to want to marry him.”

Dieter nods, quiet for a moment as he absorbs your words, “I can’t sit here and lecture you. I have no authority in your life but you need to do what you want. Fuck everyone else. You sacrificed so much of yourself for everyone around you. Even me. I was selfish and you are still sitting here talking to me. Do what you want. Be selfish for once.” He demands, wanting you to be happy.

You want to be selfish and you drag your feet along the ground to stop yourself and hop off the swing. Turning towards Dieter, you grab the chain and pull him to a stop. His eyes widen and for a second, you both think that you’re going to slap him. He would deserve it. Instead, you lunge forward and press your lips to his.

Dieter is shocked when your lips smash against his and he reacts within seconds, wrapping his arms around you to drag you into his lap. As soon as your lips touch his, his muscle memory kicks in and he deepens the kiss. Reminded of so many kisses shared all those years ago.

You are shocked by how quickly Dieter clings to you. You’re angry at him, how could you not be? But you’ve missed him so much that it doesn’t matter right now. Your fingers sink into his longer hair and you moan, enjoying how it feels. You always wanted him to grow his hair out.

Your fingers pull on his hair and he groans into your mouth, sliding his tongue against yours and his hands slide down to squeeze your ass. He devours you, knowing this is wrong, and you’re going to push him away any second, but right now he’s greedy and he wants you.

You let yourself be taken away by the moment. Leaning into him, breathing him in. His base scent is still the same, woodsy and you swear he is still wearing the same cologne you had picked out for him years ago.

He knows you’ll pull away any second and he readies himself for that rejection as he leans back, pecking your lips until he kisses your cheeks and finally, your forehead. “I never stopped loving you.” He promises breathlessly, his hands sliding up your back. “I just wanted to make you proud but I fucked it all up.”

“You did fuck it up all up.” You won’t spare his feelings, but you reach out and caress his cheek. “But I am proud of you, Dieter. Every movie broke my heart and made me proud. Every role, even when you were on Broadway.” You sigh. “I went to your performance, the second week in.”

“You did?” He asks, eyes widening as he looks at you and his heart is pounding in his chest. He hasn’t felt like this in so many years. He hasn’t felt anything real for so long.

“I had to see it. You talked about Broadway the entire time you were at our local theatre. I honestly didn’t expect you to take the role, but when it was announced, I bought tickets.” You tell him. You cried through the entire thing, but people just thought you were moved by the performances.

He smiles softly, loving that you came to see him even if you hated him. You are kind enough to support him even when he ruined your life. “So what now? You gonna tell Sean you don’t want to marry him? I go home and we act like this never happened?” He asks quietly, worried that you’ll nod and send him away.

“I don’t know.” You bite your lip. “I don’t know what you want. You have a life in LA, a …..persona.” You add. “If you want that life, still….” You shrug. “I don’t think I can be a part of it.”

“Come with me to L.A. There’s nothing keeping you here. I want you to see my life and I want you to do something for yourself. Make your dreams come true. Paint. Do whatever you want. I’ll support you. I don’t give a fuck about my persona. I want to be with you and if you want to go home, if you get sick of me, I’ll book you a private jet straight back here.” He promises, “just give me another chance. Give us another chance.”

You lick your lips, staring at him and watching him start to shift nervously. “You want me to move to LA? Live with you?” He nods enthusiastically. “I do, baby, I want you to come be with me.” You lick your lips. “What do I have to lose?”

He nods, not allowing himself to get too excited. "And if you hate it, hate me, wanna come home...I'll sign the papers." He promises, nudging his nose against yours.

You snort. “I doubt that.” You tease, closing the gap to press your lips to his again. “I’ve never hated you, even when I hated you.” You had been so upset at him, but it’s only because you loved him so much. You still love him.

**** 

“Baby! Did you get the juice boxes?” You call out and Dieter strides into the dining room with the boxes for the kids. “Here you go.” He leans over to kiss the head of his three year old son before handing another box to your five year old daughter who opens it herself while saying “thanks daddy.” It’s so weird to hear that even now and Dieter can’t believe he’s a father. He smiles at his daughter and leans in to softly kiss you. “You need anything?” He murmurs against your lips, pulling back to look at you. “No. No. Sit down and eat.” You order and he sits down. “It looks amazing.” Debra compliments your mom who beams, so happy to be spending the holidays with her grandchildren. “Thank you.” She smiles at Dieter who is happy to be sitting here. So different from that Thanksgiving so many years ago. You had moved to L.A with him after your mom encouraged you and after that, you had decided to try and repair your relationship. It was easy to fall in love again and now, you have two kids.

You have everything you wanted back then, finding some small success as an artist, but you really prefer spending time with your kids, and your husband when he is away on location. You bring the family now and the press is marveling over the change in Dieter Bravo’s behavior. “Happy Thanksgiving everyone.” You raise your glass of wine but you don’t take a sip, smiling at Dieter mischievously. “Next year we will need to set another place at the table.” You announce. “Baby Bravo number three will be coming to a nursery near you in April.”

Your mom’s eyes widen as much as Debra’s and she grins, “that’s - that’s incredible, baby!” She cries and tears fill her eyes. “Oh my loves. Another baby.” Debra coos and reaches out to caress Dieter’s cheek before she smiles at you. “I’m so happy you both came back together.” Your mom sighs, loving how you and Dieter have worked everything out.

It hasn’t been easy, there have been times when you’ve been angry at Dieter, but he’s sober, you attend couples counseling and he has become your rock. “Thanksgiving miracles, huh?”

Dieter nods, “our miracles.” He murmurs, reaching for your hand to press a kiss to the back of it. You all dig in to the food and soon the kids are in bed after everyone is full, the house is clean, and your moms are watching tv. “You ready for bed, babe?” You ask and Dieter glances at the clock. “It’s only eight.” He frowns until you raise your eyebrows and his eyes widen, “oh yeah. I’m tired. We are going upstairs. Wifey needs all the rest she can get.” Dieter teases and your moms say goodnight while Dieter takes your hand and guides you upstairs.

You snort playfully and reach around him to slap his ass. “You almost didn’t get the drift.” You tease him. “And I thought you always knew when someone wanted sex.” Dieter huffs at you. “I didn’t think you would want it tonight.” He whines, defending himself.

You chuckle, “you know how horny I get when I’m pregnant.” You remind him and Dieter snorts, “but you’ve had turkey and pie.” He defends himself again as you make your way to the room you used to live in when you first got married. He opens the door and closes it behind you, groaning as he surges forward to press his lips to yours.

The years apart and the life that Dieter had lived in LA had just given him new skills to use on you. While it wasn’t perfect, you have to take the good with the bad. The good is that you have Dieter completely. Your arms wind around him and pull him close as you moan softly.

His hands are gentle but firm as he slides his hands down to squeeze your ass, pulling you against him as he hardens in his sweats. “Fuck. I love you.” He murmurs, kissing along your neck as he guides you backwards to the bed.

“I love you too.” You promise, trusting that he will make you feel amazing. “How do you feel about another baby?” You ask as you fall back into the bed.

“Happy as fuck.” He admits, “we have money. We have a big enough house. We can have as many babies as you want.” He teases as you lower to the bed and he shifts to kneel between your legs, “and you’re so fucking beautiful full of our babies.”

You have discovered that Dieter has kinks surrounding having kids now. Breeding, pregnancy, lactation kinks all have made for some amazing nights. You love the confidence that it gives you when he works with some of the most beautiful people in the world. He’s now the one that is showing pictures of his kids to his co-stars and inviting them to meet you, rather than asking if they want to do a line of coke with him. “You just love proving you aren’t sterile.” You tease, reminding him of The Inquisitor article that claimed all your children were born via sperm donor.

He snorts, “all conceived on my cock, baby.” He declares smugly and he reaches for the hem of your shirt, dragging it over your head. “You are gorgeous, baby.” He murmurs as he bends down to kiss your stomach, not quite a bump yet.

You hum, running your fingers through his hair again like he loves. He’s always sweet and considerate while you are pregnant and this will be your last baby, so it’s a special time for both of you. “All yours.” You promise.

He’s gonna get the snip before you have the baby, just so this is your last baby, and it’s bittersweet but he is going to enjoy every moment. He hooks his fingers in your leggings, dragging them down your legs and he groans when the scent of your arousal hits his nose. You’re so sensitive when you’re pregnant and he loves it. “All mine. And I’m yours. All of me.” He promises as he tosses your leggings aside and surges down to press his nose against your clit through your panties.

“Deeee.” You moan softly, loving the devoted look on his face as he looks up towards you. “I know I have you baby.” You promise, smiling down at him. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” He murmurs and hooks his finger in your panties, leaning in to slide his tongue through your folds. He loves the tang of your arousal when you’re pregnant. You taste sweeter somehow and he groans, reaching for your thigh to push it further away so he can slide his tongue into your cunt.

Whimpering with Dieter’s tongue inside you is as natural as breathing. Closing your eyes and letting him eat you out because he wants to. He loves doing down on you and hearing his name break from your lips. “Fuck baby, I love you.” You pant. “Deee.”

He loves hearing you moan his name. He laps at you, wanting to show you how much he loves you through his tongue. One hand caresses your stomach and the other pushes your thigh back to spread you more so he can bury his face In your pussy.

He loves hearing you moan his name. He laps at you, wanting to show you how much he loves you through his tongue. One hand caresses your stomach and the other pushes your thigh back to spread you more so he can bury his face In your pussy.

You don’t have to worry about waking the kids up, they are used to sleeping through anything although it’s usually just dinner parties and the two of you having sex. “Fuck, Dieter.” You moan. “Want to cum all over that stupidly handsome face of yours.”

He chuckles into your folds, knowing he's getting wrinkly and despite his co-stars in Hollywood investing in plastic surgery, he is surprisingly not interested in preventing aging. He is happy to be old beside you. His tongue laps at your clit, wanting you to fall apart for him.

Your hormones make you sensitive and in no time you are crying out in pleasure. Gasping out his name as your thighs cinch down around his head and your body shakes in pleasure.

He groans when you squeeze his head between your thighs, his hand reaching for yours as he works you through it. His cock is aching and he grinds against the mattress while he works you through your orgasm.

Dieter doesn’t stop until you are gasping and pushing his head away from you, clit aching from his attention and he pulls away with a playful smack to his lips. “I need you inside me.” You beg, reaching down and pulling him up. “I need my husband.”

He groans, shifting to hover above you, and he lets you pull his shirt over his head. He pushes his sweatpants down and his hard cock bounces as he kicks them aside while you throw his shirt on the floor. “Like this?” He asks, caressing your side and when you nod, he shifts to kneel between your legs, “I love you.” He murmurs as he grips his cock and positions himself at your cunt to push inside you.

The stretch of him is something that you will always love. Moaning as he fills you with a smooth, steady thrust that doesn’t stop until he is buried to the hilt and both of you are breathless. “Fuck.” You whimper, caressing his back as you squeeze him tight. “Feels so good baby.”

Dieter groans as he twitches inside you. You’re so damn hot and wet around his cock. “Fuck, I love you.” He murmurs, leaning down to kiss your lips. “Marry me again.” He murmurs, keeping still inside you.

You’re surprised when he says that. You’ve talked about it before, several times. He had always said that you should renew your vows, but you’ve never really planned anything else. “You want that?”

He nods as he stays still above you. “I want to renew our vows. Either before or after you have the baby. Whenever you want. I want a proper wedding. We got married at the courthouse when we were so young and I want to give you the wedding you deserve. A dress and a cake and - and a party like no one has seen.”

You giggle quietly. “It will have to be after the baby is born then.” You huff, knowing that while he has the money to pull off a wedding in weeks, you would rather enjoy the entire event rather than feeling rushed. “We’ll sell the pictures to People.” You tease, reaching up and caressing his face. “I love you.”

He snorts, nudging his nose with yours, “this will be for us. Our friends and family.” He promises and starts to move inside you. “I love you. So damn much.” He murmurs, sliding his hand up to squeeze your breast, shifting his weight to one arm.

He keeps his pace slow and loving, wanting you to enjoy it and sometimes the harsher thrusts aren’t what you want. Wrapping your legs around his waist, you move with him. Enjoying the way he fills you and never leaves you empty for too long. Slow lovemaking. “I love you too.”

He loves how you wrap yourself around him and he keeps his weight off your stomach while he rocks into you. It’s slow and sweet and he kisses along your jaw while he murmurs how beautiful you are. He knows how to make you moan and he grinds into your cunt, shifting his hips until he finds the angle that makes you moan his name. “That’s it, baby.” He coos, his back starting to ache but he keeps moving.

You breathlessly moan for him, finding it so sexy how he keeps the pressure up just like you need it. You know that his back is hurting and yet he keeps rocking into you at the same angle. “So good baby.”

He keeps the pace and angle as he pushes into you, wanting to feel you fall apart beneath him. He groans your name, “baby. Baby. Cum for me.” He demands, pressing his lips to your jaw, his breath puffing against your skin.

You let go of him and reach between you, pinching your nipple and making yourself fall over the edge. Crying out softly, your cunt starts to spasm around his cock and soak it with your juices.

He groans against your jaw as you cum around him, clamping down on his cock and he hisses. “Fuck baby. Feel so goddamn good. I - shit - I love you.” He murmurs, rocking you through it.

You whimper, eyes closed and your fingers dig into his shoulder. “Cum for me.” You beg softly. “I want you to fill me up.”

He grunts in response, thrusting into you at a sloppier pace than before as he feels that tingling in the base of his spine. His lips press against yours as he buries himself deep after several thrusts, muffling his groan while he paints your walls with his cum.

Even when he’s exhausted and happily riding out his high, Dieter collapses to his side so he doesn’t press too much of his weight on you. More considerate than anyone would have ever believed the selfish bad boy of Hollywood could be. “I love you.” You whisper in his ear with a smile on your face. “Happy Thanksgiving, love.” Thanksgiving had been a heavy burden for you, a reminder of your husband leaving you for years until he had come back to you on that same holiday. Now, you both give thanks for being together and more in love than ever. You accomplished both of your dreams and now all of them you still work towards are ones you want to accomplish together.

[district4loading]

One of your girls

Twice Sana!Sub x Female Reader!Dom

5k Words

Content Warning: smut, fingering, oral, strap-on, slight possessive/jealous reader, breeding kink, hair pulling

Minors DNI

A/N: This isn't my first time writing, I have a bunch of other random stories and smuts in my drafts. Feel free to ask me anything and request stuff. When I have the time I will work on introducing you guys to me and the things I will/won't write along with the groups I stan.

With that being said, please enjoy! It's mostly smut

-

“So then, am I one of your girls?”

-

"You know, I saw a headline the other day titled 'Sana of Twice rumored to have been in multiple relationships with women'" You spoke softly, still hearing whines and whimpers coming from the girl above you as you slid the pad of your middle finger through her slick folds "Well, it wasn't like an established article or anything, more so a Tik tok video with rumors that saesangs—"

Sana sighed desperately, she honestly didn't give a fuck about whatever you were on about now. You were laid flat on your belly between her legs, face and fingers oh so close to where she needed you to be right now and you were talking about one among her many gay rumors. How could you possibly be thinking about anything else right now but getting her off? It was really all you were good for anyways. As you kept on speaking, explaining how the rumors were basically baseless claims she cut you off "Uh? Y/n.. can - fuck - can you just.. please"

You stopped speaking, considering the idea that you really could've been doing something better with your mouth right now. So you hummed "Yeah sorry, I just thought it was funny because it's true and nobody believes it... some even say that you're the straightest member" You snickered, finding that term being associated with Minatozaki Sana—of all people—to be humorous.

Sana more so huffed, the noise coming out of her mouth bubbling with impatience "Well that's no mere coincidence, i'm careful and I know how to pick my girls... now please just - Ah Fuck!" The girl's sentence was cut off by a guttural moan which tore from her lips because like the asshole you were, you decide to actually do something while she was speaking. Sana would never complain about that though, the moment you finally slid your finger past her folds and into her hot entrance she was inexplicably satisfied by the sensation.

Her legs tried to close a bit but they ended up only squeezing you because you were in the way. "So then, am I one of your girls?" You questioned her. Now, it wasn't like you didn't assume that Sana probably had some sort of roster, how could you not? The girl was one amongst the most attractive k-pop idols in the industry so of course she had options.

You just wanted to be her best one.

"You know you are - mmh" Sana's eyes clamped shut the moment you curled your finger. You feared to push another in because of the way her hot walls hugged you. She was so tight, like she hadn't been fucked by anyone else before this in a while. Which made sense because the last time you saw her was maybe a month ago? You slowly pumped your fingers in and out, allowing her to feel the stretch of the digit as much as she could.

You merely hummed in response to what she said, "When was the last time you've had sex?" It probably wasn't wise to ask her questions like this when you were two knuckles deep inside of her but you were curious and it's sort of relevant.

"Fuck- I don't know... whens the last time you were here?" She managed to say the words properly without breaking or moaning which was impressive considering that each time you made it to the hilt, your finger brushed passed her g-spot. Another thing you noticed, that quite frankly made your ears perk, was that Sana hadn't had sex with anyone but you in the past month. "I haven't had much time to - God - you know... because of work" Her hips began to squirm.

You couldn't help but smile as you slid your ring finger inside, eliciting a sharp and higher pitched moan from Sana. "Is it because of work or the fact that nobody can fuck like me?" You teased picking up the pace a bit. Sana just threw her head back, struggling to tell you to shut up as she arched her back while you continued to stretch her out.

Then finally, it was the time you decided to actually put your mouth to a much better use. You dipped your head down and stuck your tongue out, flattening it against Sana's warm clit feeling it pulse and throb like an irregular heart beat. Now your head was really being squeezed between her slim thighs as she keened, a cute noise escaping her lips.

It was obvious she hadn't done this in a while and if you couldn't tell by what she said or how tight she was, you would've known by how reactive she had been. So sensitive and needy, twitching - hips bucking at every graze and eventual touch you offered to any part of her bare skin. You swirled your tongue around the bundle of nerves "Fuck - just like that - Ah! - don't stop, baby" Sana gasped with her hands fondling her own breasts, tweaking her stiff nipples which were still glossy from your saliva.

You hummed, sucking the warm bud in, taking care of her properly like you always did. With your fingers still repeatedly hitting her g-spot you knew she had to be right there. You made a mental note as her breathing increased and she began cursing over and over again. Small phrases like "Fuck" and "Shit" but in different combinations. Sometimes she would chant them one after the other or she'd just stick to repeating one. "Fuck - If you keep - oh God yes - You're - You're - shit - gonna make me fucking -"

Her eyes were wired shut now, just after she had gathered up the courage to raise her head to watch you. Now she was about to cum all over your fingers and in your mouth and you couldn't wait for it. Her taste was delicious in only the most filthiest ways. Since Sana had to take care of her body, being a k-pop idol and all, she loved to eat fruit which is why she always made for the sweetest meal. You were more so doing it for your pleasure and hers rather than just hers.

"Cumming... Cumming... I'm..." Sana was heaving now, words she tried to say not being able to come out. Instead she mouthed them, it was the best she could do. From what you could make out she was only just repeating the audible words she last uttered. Cumming. Then in the blink of an eye, her back was arched the highest it could go, her body shuddering and shaking as she moaned the loudest she has tonight. Well it was more of an adorable squeal, which you noticed by now that she only did when she was cumming hard.

She began to leak all over your fingers as you slowed them to help her ride out her orgasm. When her body collapsed back onto the bed, you knew she was done. So you withdrew completely, sliding your fingers out and crawling up her hot body. She smiled lazily, allowing you to leave kisses on her lips that she couldn't even begin to reciprocate. Sana tried though, kissing you back just enough to satisfy the both of you. "Satisfied?" You questioned Sana as you stared into her still lust filled eyes.

"mm-mm" She shook her head, you knew she would. There was really only one way that she could be truly 'satisfied' by you and that was when you were 6-8 inches inside, hitting all of her deepest spots. You dipped your head into the crook of her neck, leaving kisses and small sucks on the warm flesh. The salty flavor was intoxicating. "Get the...mm, in the drawer" She told you.

A smirk grew on your face, you knew exactly what she needed right now and after a month with no sex you couldn't blame her. All the more you were glad that the first person she called over when she finally had time was you. So you left one more kiss on Sana's neck and went into the bottom drawer by her nightstand. "Which one?" You questioned her, seeing that there were a few new additions to her collection of toys.

"Your choice"

That was all she said and it made a giddy feeling emerge inside of you. Sana wanted you to choose a toy to ruin her with. She should know not to put that kind of power into your hands. You were no sadist, but if she gave you an inch, you wouldn't ever hesitate to take a mile. So you picked up the black strap-on, the biggest one in the collection. Maybe almost the length of Sana's forearm with a girth that made the silicone look all too intimidating.

Sana's eyes widened, pupils blown as she saw what you picked and sure enough, a smirk grew on her face."You know, you look the prettiest like that" You told her as you put the attachment on. She was just watching you, sitting naked on her heels as you got ready.

"So i'm the prettiest when i'm about to get fucked is what you're saying?" She teased, faking as if she was offended. "Not when i'm on a magazine cover or performing or modeling? You know, that's crazy because those times are when I actually try to look pretty"

You shook your head after finally working your way through the straps "mm-mm, because all those things are for everybody else to see. I mean sure, you are drop dead gorgeous no matter what" You paused then climbed onto the bed and on top of the idol to which she gave no resistance to lay down and let you in between her legs. "But nothing compares to the complete and utter... raw... lust and desire in your eyes right now. The one that you only look at me with." You kissed her neck once "That along with that sexy smirk of yours... makes for the prettiest face ever"

Sana hummed ignoring the part where you said that she only looked at you with lust and desire. It wasn't true, but she decided to let you have that one. "I didn't think of it that way, why are you so poetic?" She giggled a bit.

You just shrugged your shoulders "No idea... you ready?" You asked as you lined the head of the toy up with her entrance.

"mm-hm, just be careful. It's been long and you decided to pick the biggest one" You nodded, then pushed your hips forward a bit and fuck - it's in. You heard a sharp wince escape Sana's lips and then a delicate moan followed it as she shut her eyes. So you leaned down, allowing her to wrap her legs around your waist and her arms around your back as you went further... deeper.

The way her face twisted up, eyebrows knitting together, pouty lips almost frowning. You didn't know what you were thinking before because this was indeed the prettiest she's ever looked. You didn't say it though, you just called her name softly, not moving any deeper "Sana?" Her name escaped your lips so easily. She opened her eyes and looked deep into yours "You okay?"

Sana nodded, humming in response "Yes, please keep going" She gave you the green light verbally so you pushed your hips forwards some more. Sana was making that face again and god you wished you could feel her inside. She probably felt so fucking good, you envied any man she's ever slept with because it had to have been a life changing experience.

You sighed "I wish I could get you pregnant" It really just came out, you didn't even realize you said it out loud until Sana started to giggle.

"Wait" She stopped you just to laugh a little harder. "You're about to fuck me and you're thinking about getting me pregnant?" She asked, still not believing the words that just came out of your mouth.

"Well, yeah. Isn't it fitting?"

"Yeah except you can't"

"I know, that's why I said it... well, I thought it, I didn't even mean to say it out loud" You muttered, causing Sana to laugh even harder at you. Another sigh falls from your lips, you felt a bit embarrassed by your sudden expression of affection. You knew Sana found it funny because that wasn't at all what this was. She wasn't yours, you weren't hers and it bothered you, a lot. So you decided to shut her up, fully bottoming out without warning.

A scream tore from her lips, the loudest of the night at the sudden assault. "Oh my god" She squeezed your body harder "I told you to be careful" She complained, knowing that she was gonna be sore later. You didn't care though, you were pissed because she was laughing at you.

"Shut up" You muttered before drawing back and sliding all the way back in. She moaned loudly, her eyes rolling back as you began thrusting your hips hard and deep at a steady pace. She was struggling to get a grip while you changed angles.

"Fuck" Thrust "You're" Thrust "Hitting my-" Thrust "Ah! Fuck." You did it on purpose, fucking her like this just to make her a dumb mess while she spoke. There was something uniquely satisfying at the way each of your thrusts pushed a single word out of her throat. It made you so wet, having this exceptionally beautiful girl under you like this. You felt the slick arousal collecting between your thighs - Fuck and not to mention the way the seat of the toy brushed up against your clit each time you made it to the hilt. 'I could cum like this' You told yourself, feeling butterflies erupting in your belly with another surge of arousal.

You leaned forwards, putting your mouth on hers as you kept moving your hips, thrusts still hard and deep. She loved it this way and you knew it, you knew her body so well by now. You were catching her enthusiastic moans and swallowing each wonderful sound with your mouth as you kissed her more. As expected you did most of the work, licking, sucking and biting at her swollen lips. You couldn't get enough of her and it seemed like she felt the same way about you with how she squeezed her legs around you.

'This has got to be my favorite toy' You thought to yourself, sighing as you felt the slippery friction attacking your sweet spot in all the right ways. Sana couldn't even tell that you were feeling it because she was too fucked out and dizzy to notice your irregular breathing or your pleasureful grunts. It was all a blur in her mind right now as she carved sweet red marks into your back.

You pulled back a bit, now she was holding onto your biceps as you looked down to watch where your bodies met. She was clenching, you could tell because of the slight resistance you felt upon drawing back. You leaned all the way back down, your lips next to her ears. "You're about to cum aren't you?" You teased "Bet you've been waiting for this - God - you've been waiting for me to come over and fuck you dumb"

"Ah- yes, yes, yes, yes" Sana chanted, gasping as she felt that hot coil in the pit of her stomach, a feeling that she'd been craving for so long and God it was happening—and it was happening while you were between her legs. "Pl-Plea-uh Please!" She began begging, what for? Your permission of course but you were feeling generous this particular night.

"Go ahead baby, be a good girl and cum for me, Sana" You used the term she loved to be called. It only got her that much closer as you rolled your hips in a rhythm, the same one that kept her legs shaking and her walls fluttering. "Fuck - look at you, so fucking pretty while you're getting ruined"

"I...I-I can't... I'm cumming, I'm cumming, I'm cumming—" Sana repeated the words over and over like a broken record until one more "I'm" and before she could even continue, the coil snapped and she was orgasming with her back rising to form a wonderful bow shape. As if she was being summoned by God himself and well—it definitely felt like she was. Her body shaking and stuttering as you kept the same pace which if you knew Sana you knew it was crucial in helping her ride it out.

When she stopped moving, and her moans and gasps reduced to tired whimpers you took it as a sign that her peak had tapered off. You kissed her sweetly on the lips as you slid all the way out, but you weren't done yet. "Roll over" You asked softly, noticing that look in her eye. She was so down for more—another thing you really liked about Sana. The girl could go rounds and rounds and rounds without being boring or getting tired.

Sana slowly but surely turned over so that she could be on all fours—or at least try to be—she lazily allowed her upper body to rest on the mattress and she was just how you liked her to be, face down ass up. You positioned yourself behind her and took the toy into your hand. Once hand squeezing her ass cheek while the other was dragging the tip up and down her messy cunt.

Needy whimpers escaped her lips and she was already trying to push back to achieve some sort of penetration, pressure—anything. This surprised you because you didn't expect her to be so needy for it this soon, but then again it's been a while so you couldn't blame her much. But goddamn she was so sexy when she got like this, the noises she made, the needy movements... all of it so, so sexy and it was all for you. "So needy" You smacked your teeth and let your hands rest on her slim waist, squeezing it for a moment.

"Y/n~" Sana whined your name and it sounded like music to your ears. "Please... Please do something" She begged. You found it so hot, you hadn't even asked her to but she was already begging for you to take her again. You slapped her ass, hard, watching the flesh jiggle while she moaned in response. She loved the stinging pain, as a matter of fact, she got high on it.

"You've got to be specific to get what you want.. Princess" You muttered, knowing it would make her gush and clench over nothing. It was embarrassing how well you knew her body and all the things that made her tick after what? just a few months of hooking up with her. So easy.

"Please—Please" Sana took some time to raise her head and turn back. The sight was one you could only thank God for giving you the eyes to witness. Her eyes were dark and hooded, pretty pink lips swollen, brown hair stuck to her face with the sweat. "I want you to fuck me with that toy, fill me up, pound me, use me... and don't stop until we're both finished" Her words as well as her tone was nothing short of filthy lust, the kind that you would only hear in a porno. You fucking loved it.

Smirking, you took the toy into your hand and nudged the tip into her entrance. She was still looking back and when your eyes met hers, you pushed your hips forwards nice and slow. You watched as her eyebrows began to knit, mouth forming an 'o' shape as she took the girthy toy inside. When you made it to the hilt, Sana's upper body collapsed back into the bed and the seat of the toy pushed against your clit in a way that made you gasp. "Fuck... this toy is gonna be the death of me" You almost whimpered out loud, the burning pleasure being way too much to handle.

"Yeah? I knew you'd like it" Sana mentioned, causing you to quirk your eyebrow.

"What? you've used it on someone before?" You questioned her, knowing that she was a bottom that only occasionally liked to switch depending on who she was with. But Sana mostly was the type to seek out dominant women so you were a bit confused.

"mm-mm, i spent the night with a friend a bit ago and she told me all about it" You tilted your head, remembering that she said she hadn't been fucked in a month, and the last time you were here this toy wasn't in the collection.

"That doesn't make sense, Sana"

"What?"

"Earlier you told me that it's been a month since you had sex"

Sana stammered a bit before actually responding to you with words "I mean like it was 3-4 weeks ago so it's basically been a month since then"

You slapped her ass again, this time a bit harder causing a strangled moan to escape her lips. "Was it three or four Sana?" You were beginning to get possessive, knowing that you had no right to but she'd still allow it because she thought it was hot when you got like this.

"Ow- Fuck Y/n does it matter?"

"Yeah, Four weeks is a month, three isn't, so which one is it?" You said lowly.

In reality it's been four weeks, but Sana liked where this was going so she lied. "Three" She stated, closing her eyes as she bit back a smile, bracing herself for a slap that never came. Instead she felt your rough hands gripping her waist, causing her to whimper a bit. Then you began to fuck her, listening to her moan uncontrollably and grip the sheets as you began at a pace way too fast for the small girl to handle. "Y/n! Baby- Fuck... I'm sorry" She whined, getting off on this more than you could ever know.

You paused for a moment and reached over, gathering up her wavy brown hair in a ponytail. You pulled her head up then began fucking her again, her body jolting forwards come each thrust. It was so easy, the way the silicone just slid in and out but you weren't thinking about that, your mind was plagued with a complete jealous anger that burned in your stomach. You were near to her ear at this point "I didn't fucking hear you" You gritted through your teeth.

It was difficult to stay dominant cause - fuck - this toy was really rubbing you in the right places and it felt amazing. But you needed her a sobbing fucked out mess under you before you even thought about cumming so you had to hold it all back. "I'm - Fuck... I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm—" She kept on apologizing in that whiny tone you loved. She repeated the apology so many times that it was almost comical.

"Sorry for what?"

"Sorry for lying" You hummed as if you wanted her to continue and when she didn't, you slapped her ass again, hard. It seemed to knock some good sense into her because she managed to find the words herself. "Sorry for being a dirty, lying, slut" She specified, absolute filth dripping from her words. You felt that same resistance inside again and that’s what told you that she was getting off on this. You didnt think it'd turn her on that badly but... shit it did.

"You're so fucking filthy, you know" You muttered, letting go of her hair which allowed her to collapse as she wanted to on the bed. "I know you're getting off on this... you probably lied on purpose, knowing that i'd fuck you like this, because you love it, you love the way I fuck don't you?"

"Fuck - yes!" Sana began gripping the sheets once more, leaking and gushing at how aggressive you were being right now. "I love how you fuck me - so hard, so deep - I can - fuck - I can feel it in my fucking guts the way you — god yes right there" She was an utter mess, mumbling and muttering random broken words as you pounded her into the bed.

"Yeah? Who's the best fuck you've ever had?" You were just stroking your ego now, knowing that it was you.

"Y-You, baby... you!" She admitted vocally, moaning loudly as you continued to utterly wreck her. "Just like that baby - Just like that - Just like— Ah!"

You leaned over, pounding your hips into Sana's ass until she lay flat on the bed, your fists pressed into the mattress near either side of her head. Her ass was so soft it felt like you were thrusting into a soft pillow. "Keep fucking — you're fucking me so good - ah - i'm - so fucking close"

"Hold it"

"I-I I can't" She whined, this wasn't good. Sana would normally try to be a good girl, cum when she was allowed to. But tonight you were fucking the absolute shit out of her, hitting spots that she didn't even know existed. She was seeing stars as the pleasure overtook her so she had absolutely no control when it came to holding it this time. When it was happening, it was happening and there was no stopping it. So the best thing she could do? Beg. Beg like the neediest slut in the world so you would give her permission in time.

"Please! Please! Let me cum, please baby" She whined, feeling her legs begin to tremble on their own. Oh God this isn't good- you were merciless, pounding into her just right. Even if you weren't, she beilieved that you had to be some kind of sadist. You knew that she wouldn't be able to hold it when you were fucking her like this but you still told her to. Only a sadist would.. "Fuck- wait... please - it's - it's - it's coming!"

This whole time, you've been holding it too, you were so fucking close. The thought that you were going to cum while you were inside of her, made everything feel ten times better. You began grunting louder and animalistic "Fuck- I'm right there baby" You moaned, feeling it coming.

Sana gasped at this, the noise coming out of her mouth filthy as she realized it, you were going to cum inside of her. That made butterflies erupt in the pit of her stomach where she was oh so close to letting go. "Pl-Please! Breed me - Breed me.. please - w-want your babies..." The poor girl was sobbing now, she was only doing her best to keep up.

But the words she was saying, begging you to breed her. "Fuck - You can cum" You muttered and just like that, with one more stroke and a strangled moan you were cumming. You were cumming while you were maybe 9 inches inside of her. To ride out your high, you kept grinding and then Sana was cumming too, screaming into the sheets as her body shook so recklessly.

Eventually you ground to a stop, leaning over Sana to leave sweet kisses on her sweaty shoulder, then down her spine. You were both out of breath but you loved to worship her perfect body any chance you got. "Y/n?" Sana called your name softly so you hummed in response, your tone gentle as well. "Let me buy you dinner some time"

[madameevil]

I'll try to divide this into 2 parts. First part using game codex entries, other DA canon media, etc to refute points or counter points. Second to point out how some of these points are due to personal interpretations differing. So basically... let's use "facts" for most of the first half and "opinions" in the second. No guarantee that'll work out as I type this but that's the goal at least.

"Solas already knows who Rook is. He doesn't need much time to know who Rook is, it's not a problem for him." Ok but he doesn't. He thinks he does. He thinks he has Rook all pinned down. It's why he doesn't expect Rook to escape the Prison of Regret but Rook does. Solas is convinced that all of his manipulation to get Rook to drown in regret is enough to keep them trapped in that prison. In his pride, he doesn't expect Rook to escape. He once again doesn't expect Rook to see through his final betrayal about the veil. He also doesn't expect Rook to have enough cards by the end to stop him (which is conditional based on what you do in the game)

"If Cassandra rebuilds the Seekers, she is able to deal with emerging cults and unrest quite swiftly (according to the endings)." The ending slide literally says "showing no interest in worldly affairs" - Are you thinking of a different ending slide? Or a different quote? I honestly don't remember this being mentioned at all and can't find any reference to it. Cassandra also spent time in the Hunterhorn Mountains north of Orlais, where she worked to rebuild the Seekers. For a time, the new Seekers remained reclusive, showing no interest in worldly affairs and working to a purpose few outside their order could guess.

"Also, Friends of the Red Jenny are implied to operate throughout the entire Thedas and have quite a history (they've been mentioned since DA:O). So, for them not to be mentioned at all during the events makes no sense." They started as an organization based out of Ferelden and expanded to (areas that we know) Kirkwall, Orlais, Starkhaven, Tantervale, and Nevarra. They're not described as a powerful global organization. They're peppered throughout Thedas where they can get a foothold. We don't have proof or any mention of them being a thing in Tevinter or Antiva.

"Venatori should not even be a thing. Venatori rose to power only because of the Corypheus" The Venatori at their core are a cult of Tevinter-Mage Supremacists. That ideology doesn't just vanish or appear suddenly. The ideology is deeply rooted in the Tevinter Imperium. Even Dorian points out that many magisters still privately support the Venatori's ideas. While they won't outright sanction it. The Venatori's power increase may be directly tied to Corypheus but these ideologies have been present in Tevinter for a long ass time.

"So, at best there should be some Venatori cults present - but they won't be having that much power because they no longer have structure, they no longer have their god-magister, and they have nothing to sway magisters on their side - especially if they failed to provide any alternative to Corypheus in 10 years and went back to worshipping the Old Gods. [...] To make them the main problem is lazy writing." I don't think we need to get into a lesson on power vacuums here but let's just use the definition of "when someone in a place of power, has lost control of something and no one has replaced them." With Corypheus gone there is a power vacuum. A cult of fanatics don't just say "oh well, guess we'll go home now." According to Tevinter Nights (which the franchise being a mixed-media franchise has it's own problems), while a lot distanced themselves from the Venatori there were still a good number of loyalists who remained active. This leads to Aelia trying to fill in that role. She does gain a decent amount of support for it. Even when she's "captured" she has enough sway to escape prison and cause problems. Why? Because the Venatori's ideology is appealing to a lot of people in Tevinter even if they don't directly associate with the cult. However, with her "failure" we have another power vacuum present - so why is it "lazy writing" to have the emergence of another powerful mage that speaks like Corypheus and offer power similarly to what he did fill that?

"It makes no sense for the Venatori to be the main bad guys because the entire Tevinter fucking sucks already. It's has a horrible, hedonistic and power-obsessed ruling class where dominating the weak is considered good manners. Dorian should be having his hands full by fighting the entire Senate on such concepts as "slavery is bad" and "we should treat non-mages as people" - because Tevinter abhors change and its power is full of assholes like Aurelian Titus. The Venatori are just one shade of ugly the Tevinter has - and not the most prominent one." The supremacist ideology of the Venatori embody everything you're saying here. The examples you're giving are all part of the supremacist mindset. Hedonistic and power-obsessed ruling class? Yep. "Slavery is bad" and "we should treat non-mages as people" Those two concepts are directly against the supremacists ideology. We also do get some notes from Dorian doing just that Veilguard. The Venatori isn't just one shade of ugly, it's the embodiment of everything wrong in Tevinter. It's the supremacist ideology given form.

"Yes, it makes sense for Varric and Harding to take part in the search for Solas - but I can't believe that Rook at least hadn't been approved by the Inquisitor. and that Rook doesn't have means to contact the Inquisitor for further instructions in case something happens to Varric, or Harding or both of them. This is counter-productive." Varric is the one tasked with forming a small team. It's his responsibility to form that team and onboard people and vet them. With the way it's framed in "The Missing" Varric had full authority to bring on whoever. He didn't need approval. They kept in touch via Charter and sent correspondence to the Inquisitor but there wasn't any need for approval. Varric is the main path and Harding is the back up. That's 2 channels. Until the incident happens to Varric that seems standard. When the incident happens with Varric, then I believe Harding should have introduced Rook and the Inquisitor sooner to keep that practice of a back up channel open. Harding does reach out to Charter pretty early to inform them about what happened to Varric and mention Rook. I would have liked an Inquisitor meeting or letter sooner though.

I think below is where different interpretations come in.

"Solas knows how Leliana and Josephine operate, but that's not going to stop them - and it should not stop them when the fate of the world is at stake." You think they wouldn't let that stop them. I think they're smart enough to not continue to play an active part if any information they get or send off is information Solas is spoon feeding them. If their continued involvement would cause more harm then good then yea, I think they would take a step back. I think they would hand off the reigns to others.

"However, it's going to be insanely ha[r]d to prove the threat to anyone else and then tell them to go find Solas. At the same time, intentionally holding back information about what Solas really is means sending the "someone Solas doesn't know" to their death. They go after Solas, thinking it's just a really strong mage - and they don't know that it's actually an ancient god." Given Varric's line to Neve at the beginning, Varric is upfront with the information: "I also told you he was an ancient elven god." Whether the person believes them is dependent on the person. Rook has been tracking Solas with Varric for a year or so. I think by now they've witnessed enough to believe Varric's information.

"And she is going to stop now, after it's revealed that the threat isn't gone? There is no way she won't be an active participant. Even the fact that Seekers aren't welcome isn't going to stop her." I do actually think that the threat of severe political consequences should a southern religious military group make moves in a northern territory under a different religion would dissuade her. Cassandra isn't stupid. We also see her get less rash in Inquisition. We see her stop and think things through more. So actually, yes I do think that since mobilizing Seekers in Northern territory could at worse be seen as an act of war she would let it stop her. She even says at the end of trespasser "we need to be careful."

"Basically, it meant that the Inquisitor and their allies were going to try harder, learn what they can and find new resources, new information, any leverage possible. This is why the Inquisitor sets their course for Tevinter at the end of Trespasser: they were preparing to cooperate with a controversial state, pulling strings and calling favors, finding people with an ample knowledge of magic and ancient history that could assist them with finding any clues;"

L: "My agents have found nothing with the eluvians he could be anywhere"

C: [Dialogue about whether you disbanded or kept the Inquisition]

L: "We have what we truly need."

C: "We will need to be careful."

L: "Solas knows everything about us. Who we are. How we work. Our strengths and weaknesses"

Inky: "Then we find people he doesn't know." [Dialogue about if you are saving him or stopping him]

I do think this means they were going to find new allies and new people. Tevinter Imperium is a good place to start looking for that. And all this plays out through the comics and Harding and Varric's stories. (which again making the series Mixed-media has it's own complications) They do find new allies through their journey. They do find people who have ample knowledge of magic and ancient history. This idea also continues to play out in Veilguard. We find someone who has connections. We find someone who has ample knowledge of ancient magics and history. We find someone who has ample knowledge of the fade since that's what Solas was directly trying to manipulate.

I do not think it implicitly means what you've interpreted it to. I think that's how you interpreted that and I think that's a valid interpretation of it. Unfortunately that's not where they took it. That's also now how I interpreted it. I think a lot of the fandom interpreted this in different ways and that leads to disappointment if their interpretation wasn't correct. I think that's what's happening to you here. I don't think Bioware not catering to your interpretation means "they don't care." or anything like that. I think it's just that what you predicted or assumed based on the information provided ended up being incorrect. Other people predicted it correctly. If anything this just means that the marketing team could have done better at setting expectations and making sure everyone was on the same page.

oh my god that was a lot to type.

I don't think the game is perfect by any standards (no game is). There are things I wish they could have included or flushed out more, but I don't think any of that was done by Bioware devs "not caring." I think the Bioware team does actually really love their world and lore of Dragon Age. To quote their artbook (which is actually insane to look at):

"Art books like this one are the perfect opportunity to showcase what you don't see in the finished product: the inspiration, the blueprints, the unused drafts. We barked up a lot of wrong trees. We explored some wild directions--some ending in dead ends, others ending in precious treasure. We also created a lot of material that we liked but didn't have the capacity to build (in this game, anyway)."

If Bioware truly didn't love and care for their world and lore, the artbook wouldn't be as beautiful and jam packed as it is. There wouldn't be other medias of the series: books, comics, animations, movies.

But Bioware can't just make whatever they want. Bioware is owned by EA (not just published through them. OWNED by them). Bioware has to pay people to make the games. They need to get the funding and approval from EA to do so. This means that no matter how passionate the team is, there's only so much they can do and EA gets a huge say in what that is. EA who explicitly stated earlier AFTER BG3 released that they don't think single player story based games are worth investing in. WHICH IS INSANE TO ME. EA had them start developing the game one way. EA had them change development midway. EA had them remove all multiplayer pieces. EA cut funding to Bioware forcing them to make cuts in staff.

I guess if we say that a lot of the post is us disagreeing on how things are interpreted and not a misunderstanding of the source material then I can say my main problem with posts like this is that it targets the developers. The developers do seem to really love and care for their world and do want to do more, but they can't do it all. They can't just do everything they want. They have a parent company constantly controlling what they can and can not do. I could agree with a lot more posts if they actually targeted the company causing a lot of the problems, EA - WHO WE ALL ALREADY KNOW IS A SHIT MONEY HUNGRY COMPANY. Instead of the Devs who busted their asses for 10 years wanting to do more and being told to change it or scrap it at every turn.

Bioware writing team has a comfy, sheltered life and it shows

I'm sorry, but how come that the only people Inquisitor sent to look for Solas were Varric and Harding? How come that the only people recruited in 10 years of pursuing Solas were Neve and Rook? Do the writers understand that this is NOT how a serious effort looks like?

What about Leliana? Divine or not, she is still Sister Nightingale with an immense spywork. You'd think she won't mobilize everything she has to track Solas and his followers?

What about Josephine? What, she decided "nah, I'm done" and didn't use any of her diplomatic talents and connections to let the Inquisitor's agents have access, permissions or information they need?

What about Dorian? As a political figure, you'd think he will be the first Minrathous contact for the Inquisitor allies, the one arranging things and providing insights?

What about Cassandra and her Seekers? Isn't she interested in stopping another world-ending threat?

What about Sera and her sabotaging potential? If she organized the group of people for performing vigilante acts, people who are her eyes and ears, how come nobody from her group is helping with the effort?

I get it why Varric takes part in it - he knew Solas, the Inquisitor trusts him and his judgement, but for the game to imply that all the responsibility was lumped on Varric's shoulders is fucking disgraceful. I get it writers, Varric is popular character, and you would use him as bait to your heart's content, but the context you've created implies that Varric might have been the only one to take the threat seriously, while the Inquisitor and the rest were doing God knows what.

Varric should have been handing the Rook information on all the contacts they can recruit, all the useful agents, all the people to work with, not tell them to ask Neve because she might know someone because detective (Neve is a good character, but the fact that people who were supposed to spend 10 years chasing Solas look up to her for finding them contacts is appalling).

"Oh, but all these people were in the previous parts and we don't want to mention previous parts because muh new players" - well, you shot yourselves in the foot. Maybe, just maybe, you should have AT LEAST cared more about the choices made in DAI.

Congrats.

[constantfragmentation]

Arcane S2 Thoughts

I've had a week to digest this season and well, I guess I have the unpopular opinion of being very disappointed. After the initial flash of gorgeous animation and some ooo's and awe's.... I was left with a bitter aftertaste. I can rewatch S1 loads of time. I don't think I can watch S2 again.

I'm happy for the fans that loved it and got what they wanted or the shippers that got what they wanted. I'm happy for you. Do your thing.

Me? Not so much. Even as a Silco fan (and I admit to squeeing for any footage of him at first), I'm not pleased. Yeah, my young Silco is a nerd, man-bun hottie, but that's where it ended for me. His entire characterization was nothing like the character I fell head over heels for in S1.

Vander's Flashback: I honestly don't find Felicia's inclusion necessary at all. In fact, I think it waters down everything between Silco and Vander. Their knowing her and the kids creates more questions, plotholes, and problems than it supposedly solves.

Why is Vander only in those memories with the kids? It's before the fallout with Silco. Why don't the kids know or remember nice Silco? Why do they only fear him (obv that's from Vander and Benzo, yes?)?

Why doesn't Silco seem to know Powder at Vander's dead body? Why would he kill Felicia's kids? None of it makes any fucking sense if he cared about Felicia. He hates Vander so much, he hates the kids too because he adopted them?

How the hell does S2 Young Silco turn into S1 Silco? Riot really messed this one up. Vander's attempted murder didn't change his entire personality.

It was a rebellion battle. People were going to get hurt and killed. They had to know this. So, whether Silco accidentally killed Felicia (as some fans are debating) or she died, is so damn dumb for Vander to solely blame Silco. Takes the kids, becomes a pacifist FIRST and then decides to (shave and grow younger) kill his brother for the greater good. Doesn't make one lick of sense narratively.

The narrative, characterization and animation inconsistencies don't help from S1 either. The drowning scene doesn't fit the S2 explanation. They're too young. Vander had a beard and appears much older on the bridge. Hell, S2 Young!Silco looks older than S1 Young!Silco. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. If people want to kiss Riot's ass, fine, but there was too much that was straight up lazy writing.

Silco's death is just glossed over considering how important he is. Silco did what Vander couldn't. Even without Shimmer, the Underground was thriving. Cait's mother's death/burial/statue gets more screen time and Silco gets dumped in the river. No one seems to question his death or what happened? Yeah, ok.

I'll use this moment to complain about the excessive music video montages this season too. I watched S1 again and the writing and use of music worked in unison and enhanced scenes. S2 felt like scenes in between music videos and it was irritating.

There was so much screentime wasted that could have been good dialogue heavy scenes that S1 was great at. Instead, time wasted on poorly executed plotlines that needed way more time to flesh out (Mel, Ekko and Viktor) and we have slowmo music videos and MCU fight scenes. Hermie's guitar song and Mission Impossible jokster crap was laughable and not in a good way.

Riot tried to pack too much into one season, and it was a mess. This season felt like watching a Marvel movie. Cool action sequences with little to no substance. All the nuance and grit from last season were gone in favor of the 'good vs. bad' trope. All the political-societal issues in S1 were abandoned that were far more fascinating to explore.

Mel has superpowers now? It feels all out of place. Her, Ambessa, and the Black Rose plot have zero time to make it interesting and plausible. She was introduced as this master manipulator/politician and her sage persona feels so forced.

Jesus Demigod Viktor was too much. I was excited for the Machine Herald and the psychedelic Arcane magical multiverse took me out. Making him to be the big baddie and timeloop it around to Jayce felt like a big cop out. Viktor deserved better. Hell, Jayce deserved better.

So much was sacrificed to make the whole Arcane magic THE point of the series when it was one of the least interesting aspects of the show. Hextech for weapons and the continuing problems between Piltover and Zaun was RIPE for storytelling. It seems each act needed several episodes to cover.

Ekko sure as fuck deserved better than that half assed time warp with Hermie. The AU really bothered me. Everything felt wrong. EVERYTHING. Nothing was explained well at all. It felt like complete fan service at the expense of the characters. Before people rip me saying "well duh! It was an AU!". You don't assassinate characters and plot to have a happy ending that insults your viewers.

They turned Zaun (its own cool character) into the bargain basement of Piltover. How is it sunny and pretty? Really? Mirror tricks? Everyone just forgave Piltover after years of oppression?

You're telling me Vi's death saved humanity? Fuck that shit right now. Piltover just stopped because a kid died? Suddenly everything became better? What happened to Jayce? Viktor? Hell, Hermie after decades didn't give two shits about Zaun, so what changed with the Council? Where's Singed? I don't buy it.

I don't buy Jinx/Powder being super normal smart girl. I LOVE JInx, but I believe she had mental issues prior breaking into Jayce's apartment. I don't think Vi's death made that go away (as I don't believe Silco's death did either). As someone who battles with mental health, this is insulting to me as a viewer.

I hated AU Silco. There. I said it. He just forgave Vander? Really? Bullshit. The reason Vander tried to kill him is stupid. A simple letter changed Silco? That fluffy-haired softy is not Silco. I can't imagine that Silco being the one who fought a rebellion. He probably would not have become a mob boss peddling drugs but this AU softboi dad feels so wrong. I never would have stanned AU Silco. Not in a million years.

S1 Silco's traits didn't magically appear because Vander betrayed him. The young S1 Silco had to be similar in many ways to older S1 Silco. Drive, ambition, ruthlessness, willing to die for a cause. I don't see Felicia's death changing that. I certainly don't see Vi's death changing that.

If Vander needed to kill Silco to stop the violence, etc, it's because he saw Silco as a threat to him or society as a whole. S1 Vander is known as The Hound. So, he seems to be violent as well. He takes credit for building the Underground when Felicia credits both 'bozos' for it. So Vander being upset she died and blaming Silco to the point of murder is a slap in the face to fans' intelligence.

I do hate that by Vi's death, everything is magically better. I can't express how much I hate that. AU Powder was irritating and was nothing like my Jinx that I love. Again so much wasted time that could have been better spent on good character driven scenes that actually advance the plot.

Pointless characters. Introduce Isha (who I adored). Make her seem important to Jinx. Kill her and never mention her again. So what was the point of her inclusion this season? Just to make Jinx suicidal? I hated that also. Again WASTED SCREENTIME.

Oh, and Caitvi was a disgrace. I think shippers deserved better here, too. Caitlyn goes crazy dictator because of guilt over her mom. Granted, Caitvi only knew each other for a week-ish? Not a lot of time to make their relationship serious past an infatuation. Cait turns from all her good points last season to Ambessa's padawan.

Don't get me started on that side piece Maddie. Really? Cait you were that hard up? And that long awaited sex scene was a big eye roll. Vi goes to her sister, and shit goes to hell, and a few minutes later, she's fucking Cait in the same cell. Vi was reduced to shit this season.

I mean, these characters just got shafted in every way for a high speed train wreck ending that we've seen a million times in Disneyfied stories. Action sequences were more important than actual character development and plot.

You can't make me believe that one speech from Jayce 'seeing a possible future' suddenly got Zaun to work with and dress up as Piltover soldiers? Really?

I had high hopes for Sevika, and the girl got shit nothing to do except in two episodes. Her seat on the Council feels like a last-minute decision and not worthy enough to expand on.

What made S1 so great was the class divide between Zaun and Piltover and how it affected the characters. S2 decided to scrap that and go with the easy good vs evil trope instead. Even the parallels didn't have the same hit as last season.

I did like Jinx talking to her 'ghost' Silco in the jail cell. He was calming to her in contrast to Milo/Claggor except the implication that she should die (that's what I got out of that).

We didn't even get much from Singed. Yeah, he got his daughter back (in some form) but his story was so blah. We didn't get nearly enough of him and Warwick and what made Warwick.

I guessed a few years ago it was going to be Vander but I didn't like how it was handled.

Too many plotlines all rushed together without getting any decent screentime and explanations that don't confuse or insult viewers intelligence. OR you have to be a LOL fan/player to understand. I never played LOL before S1 and wasn't confused as to the main plot.

I loved all the characters in S1 and felt they were pretty much watered down or assassinated in S2 for an apocalyptical Demigod villain vs humanity battle done to death finale.

The Zaun/Piltover political-societal problems, parallels, corruption, science going wrong, pathway to hell paved with good intentions themes from S1 was so much better in every single aspect.

I'm still a fan of S1 and the characters and frankly, I'm going to ignore 95% of S2.

[professeurm]

so, uh, I do this thing when I'm bored or need to calm myself and that's telling myself a story. typically i do fics and in my head unless im completely alone. yes, I love talking to myself

these stories goes on and on, like i flesh out a whole plot and everything. it might as well be a whole book and sometimes it helps me get pass a trick part in a fic im writing or helps me work out the plot. it also sometimes gets written down because I'm like "this worth writing down"

this going to be long. read if you dare 😂

now the reason why I'm telling yall this is because my best buddy, @the-torchwood-magician , got me hook on Malcolm Merlyn. We both love his character and would talk for hours about him like we're teenagers in heat 🤣🤣

we also both love Ianto Jones and I honestly do not need explain why 😂. They introduce me to a ship, which I had no clue it existed, that consisted of Malcolm and Ianto. Even introduced me to a few fics and let me tell yall, I'm interested and hook.

My current story I'm telling myself consist of the pair, where Ianto gets hire as Malcolm assistant (similar to how Felicity is Oliver assistant) and Malcolm is suspicious that the young man is perfect for the job, even perfect for a higher position. Which shocks him because either something isn't right or the guy is just really smart for his age and modest.

He hires him anyway because of his genuine curiosity and Ianto fits in quickly. He works hard and efficiently, even knows what Malcolm needs before he asks him. Malcolm grew fond of him, appreciate his contribute to the company and him. Though that didn't make his suspicions go away so he did a background check. clean records so he had to go old fashion, but little does he knows Ianto isn't the one to share or talk.

yes, this a love story. a slow one in matter of fact

they're relationship won't have a label. this is because I'm pulling a James Wilson, which is Ianto is convinced he's straight but he's still in the closet and in denial despite having feelings for his boss/friend. Also Malcolm heart belongs to his dead wife so he's sort torn between that and his new boy lover.

this won't have a happy ending... letting yall know. I'm like a rabid dog when there's a happy ending, but there will be a twist in the end. basically a cliffhanger

question is... should I put this on ao3..

[zippidi-dooda]

You smiled, reminiscing as you watched the stoic male scribble away at his desk. He dipped the nib into the dark jar, each swirl of the pen trailed by shimmering ink. His fingers were never dotted with mess and sleeves pristine.

For how many pages you'd seen, lines neat with dotted eyes and crossed 't's, his tilts and formalities were ever familiar.

You couldn't even keep track of how many you'd recieved.

But you did remember adoring them.

"Hey, Rollo? When am I getting my next note?"

"What?" He raised a brow, turning over his shoulder to look at you.

You padded across the wooden floorboards, placing your hands over the back of his seat.

"A letter. You never responded to my last one."

He set his pen down, shifting to better face you. "What's the need? Anything that needs saying can be done in person now that we're in the same house."

"Well, yeah," you sighed, "but you enjoy them don't you? No one really sends letters nowadays, it feels romantic."

An attempt to cover his blushing face was stopped by your hand on his.

"... it was simply for ease. Hand writing keeps one enriched. Besides it's safer." He turned back to the table. "Your meal's been prepared in the kitchen. If you favor something else, tell me, I'll only be a minute."

Your eyes watched him for moment, tracing the creases in his robes, the rare stray strands out place in his silvery hair, the light hitting him just right to envelop him in a warm glow.

Then you leaned forward.

Your arms wrapped around his shoulders, nose nuzzling into the soft heat between his chin and neck.

To say he was caught off guard would be an understatement. He practically jumped at your intrusion, tired eyes snapping down to you.

"What are you doing!"

You chuckled nuzzling deeper, "you've been working for a while, let me keep you company."

An uncomfortable noise buzzed in his throat.

He looked at the wall in front of him, a slender hand pressing over where your arms crossed.

"N-no ... that's alright. I just need to sign this before sending it out."

"What's it for?"

"... my parents."

You perked up, eyes looking up at him. "Parents? How sweet. You know, I don't think you've mentioned them much before ...."

He reached for his pen again. "Yes, well ... I do not see them much. Though, they're happy I'm doing well and write me often. Honestly, they worry too much."

You positioned your head on his shoulder, scanning his letter.

"Will I meet them someday?"

He flushed once more, eyes squinting shut. "I'd rather not. They'll probably put up more of a fuss."

His eyes drifted to his ruby ring on your finger.

A pause.

Then he sighed again.

"Though I suppose now's the safest time to tell them about about our ... predicament ...."

You straightened up, smiling.

"I think we should invite them for dinner."

"What!" He pushed back his chair. "Y/N we cannot do things on a whim. There are cues and expectat-"

"Oh, it's your parents, Rollo. If they write you I'm sure they'll be happy to actually see you again."

"Y/N, there are times where-"

You cupped his cheeks, squishing them to form his lips into a pout. "I'd like our son, daughter, or whatever, to know at least your parents since they can't know mine. And I'd like to know the people who created this perfect gentleman in my hands."

His nose twitched as you squeezed his cheeks for emphasis.

He desperately wanted to roll his eyes and storm out to make his own point, but instead he breathed deeply and looked to the side.

It wasn't that he didn't want you to see his parents, if circumstances were different he would've rushed you to them the instant you'd eloped.

But he didn't want to see them.

It was the reason he was so far away in the first place.

He couldn't stand to see them after all that had happened.

And he was certain nothing good would come out of it.

They'd tell you about ...

Well, the less you knew about him or his family the better.

Besides, focusing on the two of you and what was to come was best right? Yes, best to avoid adding stress factors to your soon to be unprompted hormones.

He pried your hands from his face and stood, "We'll see about invitations."

"I knew you'd come around! And I think-"

He wrapped his free arm around you, hand on your hip as he guided you away from his papers, "yes, yes, let's worry about keeping you in safe condition, those plates aren't going to clear themselves."

You chuckled, leaning into his arms as he led the way.

You both knew he had nothing to be so fretful for, but his readiedness regarding your well-being just made you feel to warm inside.

You couldn't think of a single thing about him there was not to be fond of.

... but he could

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[mikimakiboo]

Time Travelers AU - Bathroom Break

I am baaaaaaaack on the story ! For those who missed it I published everyone's backstory, all are linked in the master post !

@ancha-aus it's been a while since I tagged you here

First

Prev

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I feel like this chapter is way too short compared to the time it took me to write it

Here it was: the moment Dust dreaded the most... going back to work. Not that there was a problem with his job, his colleagues were fine, the customers were usually nice except for some exceptions, but it was to be expected when working in a fast food. No, the thing that worried him was leaving his roommates, because they were basically roommates, alone all day. He wasn't afraid they would fight, thought Nightmare had been quite distant these past few days, he didn't participate in conversations during meals and usually just translated for Killer and asked him a few things, but apart from that he always seemed moody, mad about something and avoiding them. It did worry Dust, maybe it was something he did, or didn't do, that caused the noble to change his behavior ? He'll need to talk about it with him. Regarding the others they all seemed to get along, he noticed Cross would sometimes lower his guard when Killer talked, or rather rambled, to him to listen to what he was saying, which was something important to note as the knight only ever left the door to eat, Dust knew it because he saw him sleeping while still standing. Horror was nice to everyone, just not paying much attention to Nightmare as he seemed to avoid him more than the others anyway, and Killer just liked to chat with everyone, not caring if they understood him or not. So no, Dust wasn't scared they would fight. He was scared they would get bored, get curious and break something or even hurt themselves, that someone would knock at the door and call the cops when seeing them, or many other things they could do that could result in troubles both for them and for Dust. He really didn't need that.

Dust sighed, preparing yet another burger and putting it in a bag for those at the drive through, he didn't need to think about it anymore, the movements were basically muscle memory at that point. Should he introduce the others to burgers ? Maybe he could order everyone a burger once he got his paycheck, and he could buy soda and potatoes to make the fries himself ? Would they even like it ? Nightmare would probably despise the grease, maybe Cross too as he seemed to be very in shape, but he had a feeling Killer and Horror would like it. Well, that could be a plan for later then.

He felt someone tap on his shoulder.

- Break time, I'm taking your place.

His colleague said. Was it already his break ? He didn't see the time pass, for once. Well, he usually didn't have much to think about, so he must admit he wasn't particularly focused on the time that day.

- Oh, okay, thanks.

He finished the burger he was making before putting down his apron and going to the changing rooms to grab his phone in his locker. He then went to the bathroom, not that he needed to go as he was a skeleton, but he liked sitting on the throne in his little cabin, that way he didn't have to sit in the staff's room and make small talk with the others, he could just scroll on his phone for fifteen minutes without being disturbed. He sometimes wished he had a digestive system so he could take a dump on company time and be paid for it, but he didn't have one, anything a skeleton consumed was either turned into magic or would get thrown up if the body couldn't "digest" it. What a shame, honestly.

He wondered for a moment if he should call home on the land-line, but he soon figured it would be useless as he didn't teach them how to pick up a phone, so he just hoped everything was fine and went on socials to see what new brainrot was available to pass the time.

His alarm went off after fifteen minutes, indicating the end of his break. He sighed.

- Alright, here we go again...

He muttered to himself, getting up without flushing, and opened the door to step out of the cabin. He tripped on a branch and fell face first on the grass.

Cross flinched, planting his sword in the ground as to maintain balance when he felt everything shift around him. The house had dissapeared, and he found himself in a field surrounded by a forest. It felt like a few days ago, when he appeared in Dust's backyard, he had felt the air sting and crackle before everything shifted, and when he opened his eyes, he was somewhere else.

Where was he now ? He pulled his sword from the ground, holding it tight in case a threat would appear, and looked around him, were the others here too ? He heard a noise behind him, and quickly turned, only to see Killer gripping on a branch, hanging from a tree. As he was about to run by his side he saw Horror coming out from behind a bush, leaves and twigs stucked in the furr of his coat. Killer saw him too.

- Horrooooooor ! Adiuvaaaaa ! He cried.

Horror jumped, not expecting to hear a voice above him, and quickly went to grab Killer and put him safely on the ground. The Roman then immediately opened his bag to make sure all of his stuffs were with him, and sighed in relief before looking up at the Viking.

- Gratis..

Horror nodded, then looked at Cross.

- Vel ?

He asked, thought Cross didn't understand, but he supposed Horror asked him if he was doing good, as he looked concerned. Cross was doing fine, he wasn't hurt and by chance landed on his feet and on a plain surface, unlike Killer who ended up in a tree.

- Eo vais ben, mercit.

He thanked him, before hearing a spine-chilling scream.

- Google noooooooo !!

All three of them turned quickly, startled, and saw Dust, a little farther, kneeling on the ground with his little magic rectangle in his hands, visibly distressed.

- Dust ? Killer called, bene facis ?

- Google's dead ! Dust cried out, holding his rectangle in the air, it's mort, morz, mortuus, liflátinn, dead !!

Cross froze, who was dead ? Who was so important that Dust had to announce their death in five languages ? Was his rectangle dead ? Wait, wasn't the rectangle what allowed them to communicate ? Oh. They might have a problem then.

They looked at each other for a minute, not knowing how to save the rectangle from death, before Killer went to the wheeping skeleton and kneeled before him, looking through his bag. Dust looked up at him when he took out the thick book Dust had been reading recently: the Old Norse dictionary. Cross remembered Killer shoving the book in his bag when Dust left without it, saying he would keep it safe until he returned. Dust looked at the dictionary in awe, taking it carefully.

- Oh my fucking god, Killer, I love you so much right now, gratis.. !

Killer smiled, happy to have been useful.

As Dust was getting up with Killer's help they heard a new noise, and as they turned, they were met with a rather unusual sight: Nightmare, the very sophisticated Nightmare, was laying face flat in a mud puddle, the only mud puddle in the whole field, and looked particularly horrified, and disgusted, when he stood on his elbows, his face covered with mud. Killer couldn't help but burst out with laughter, especially when Nightmare tried to get up only to slip and fall again. Cross heard Dust fight back his own laughter and Horror chuckled, but even if the scene was indeed funny, Nightmare trully looked distressed, and Cross couldn't leave him like that.

- Sire !

He rushed to his side, helping him up by letting him grab him for balance, not caring if he dirtied his armor as it was rather easy to clean.

- Vous trouvez cela amusant !? Nightmare yelled, angry, and shaking slightly, asking if they found it funny.

Horror raised his hands in an apalogy motion, but Killer was still pretty much dying on the ground, wheezing and holding his non-existant stomach, Dust simply avoiding his gaze. Nightmare huffed, a shameful blush on his cheeks as Cross helped him step out of the puddle and sit on a log nearby as he tried to wipe the mud from his face, taking his gloves off as they were just as muddy anyway.

- Estes-vos blecié, sire ? Cross asked, wanting to know if he was hurt.

Nightmare shook his head, he wasn't hurt, physically at least. Cross nodded, standing straight again to look at the others: Killer had stopped laughing and was now catching his breath, Dust was looking at their surroundings, and Horror was looking at Nightmare, thoughtful, but didn't come any closer.

Now that everyone was here, they needed to think of a plan. They needed to figure out where they ended up, or when, if they could seek shelter somewhere, or if they couldn't and would have to build a sort of nest at least for the night, what they could hunt or gather, take turn to stand guard, ... Horror didn't seem to have his axe with him, which was... rather inconvenient, but he was pretty sure Killer still had his knives in his bag so it meant they were at least two with weapons to defend the group. He looked down at Nightmare again. They had to find water.

He sighed and gestured to everyone to come closer. He would rather they didn't split up.

- Nos devons trover eaue, he said, glancing at Nightmare who was still staring at his hands, senz se séparer, he added, looking back at them.

- Okay wait, Dust stopped him, "eaue" means water, right ? I mean he does need to wash himself so it would make sense he needs water... wait I think I remember the translation... he thought for a while, looking throught the dictionary, okay so.. aqua for Latin ? Aaaand... vatn for Old Norse.

Killer snorted.

- Sordidus est, aqua eget.

Cross wasn't sure what that meant, but judging by Nightmare's glare it most likely was a mockery, or one of the Roman's usual tease at least. He wanted to reprimand him, now wasn't the time for teasing, but Horror was faster than him and gave Killer a gentle nudge on the shoulder, shaking his head disapprovingly, to which Killer whined but didn't push it. Horror then pointed at the woods.

- Vatn.

Before anyone could reply, he opened the way. He had fallen in a bush and heard running water in the distance when he got up, surely there was a river nearby.

- Wait wait wait ! Dust interrupted again, Horror stopping to look at him. We're just gonna accept that we apparently got tossed throught time ? I mean it ain't you guys first time but it is mine ! And I actually have to go back to work !

Cross frowned. Work ? He knew what work meant, but why was Dust talking about work ? Oh, right ! Dust was supposed to be at work ! But he couldn't get back to work now, they didn't even know in what time they were, but surely it wasn't Dust's time anymore as these strange buildings were nowhere to be seen. Cross shook his head, Dust couldn't go back to work for now.

- What do you mean no ? I need the money.

Cross thought for a while, trying to remember the translation for money, and shook his head again.

- Nos sommes denz une altre époque, pas de "work".

He tried to explain, telling him they were in a different time. Dust frowned at him, before sighing.

- Well it's gonna be one fucking long bathroom break then... He mumbled, before following Horror again.

Cross held out a hand for Nightmare but the noble got up by himself, and simply followed the others from a distance, Cross walking behind to make sure no one deviated from the line and no threat appeared.

After only a few minutes they heard running water, and at the next turn around a tree, they saw a small river. Nightmare went to kneel on the shore and put his hands in the water. Killer went next to him, crounching down, and ignoring Nightmare's glare to rummage through his bag and take out a piece of cloth that he handed him. Nightmare looked at it for a while before taking it without saying a word, still bitter that they laughed, and put it in the water to clean his face. Dust stayed near Horror, looking at the trees.

Cross stood back, watching them all, making sure everything was safe for them to stop here.

He really hoped they could find a shelter soon.

[iwantmochisoup]

mochi soup's sappy happy crying session

i'm so sorry, please bear with me, but i really need to be super sappy rq. (it's gonna be a long one, so imma add the read more here)

i just recently hit 10k likes and lost my shit over it qwq;; i was overthinking a lot, i wanted to run away, and it kinda hit me because honestly, i don't think i deserve all this ;; like i'm just being silly on here and having fun ;;

but that aside, i have been thinking how to properly say thank you, since words are really hard for me (wow big shocker ikr lmao) but i realized it's thanks giving, despite me not being from america i saw all the love today and i thought maybe i can try, this time, to put it to words. (i'm sorry if i don't make sense at all, and honestly don't mind me honestly, i've always been super scared of talking on here but i need to ramble)

so, idk how to start this, i honestly quit art for good like 4 years ago, won't comment on it but this year i tried to pick it back up. i am so scared of people, especially online but i thought why not, so i made a lil acc on here, i wanna say i'm so lucky to have met you all and seeing people like my art, seriously it's what keeps me going. (that sounds so sappy but for what feels like the first time in my life i am genuinely being myself and i am so happy idk what to do) this is way too long of an intro...

i'm gonna start off my twin of course, it feels fitting hehe ;; so, @saltedbiscuiit you know how shit i am at words, and you know how thankful i am for you, and we talked so much about it already so i'll try to keep this short ;; i am genuinely so happy to have met you, kinda feels like it changed my life back then, it honestly hasn't been that long really, since the art trade back in july, i honestly feel like i found my other half (that's so sappy pls don't cry but i'm being honest) thank you so much for everything, you do so much for me, even if you don't know it and i am honestly so so grateful and happy. thank you so much <3 hehe, salty soup salted mochi

the next one is @cryptid-juzou we just recently met, but i fell in love with your writing, almost instantly!! you're such a great friend, and it's sm fun talking and playing games with you!! and i'm so happy and grateful to have met you!! Really, thank you so much for all you did for me and for accepting the collab! To be working with you on our thing (i won't go into detail, yk big surprise and all) honestly, i'm so so happy and i can't wait to finish it!!

next!! @k-aez !! you've been haunting me in dreams, scolding me and i still think about that raw chicken art you did. okay jokes aside, i'm so happy to have met you and i feel the need to thank you like forever for creating the server and everything you've done. you've been supporting me and pushing me to get out of my ass and kept encouraging me sm. i can't put it into words, but i will be forever grateful for everything!

big big thanks to @ohhcinnybuns, @anticidic and @ediblepandas ya'll have been feeding my brain so many good ideas and enabled some brainrot i will thank you forever for. cinny, you know how much i love your fics and your massive brain in general, i'm so happy i was brave enough back then, and did some art of your ideas, idk if i would even tried to join the server if i didn't see your reblog. rosie, you know how much i love your fics, i'm not about to fangirl in public but i'm truly thankful, you've inspired me so so much, i love with your writing, your kitsunezai au and your scream in phasmo still is the best scream ever! pandas, hehe yk i need to thank you here too! your yapping about dresses and in general talking to you is so much fun! i love your brain sm! thank you so so much for enabling me so much, and please send me more dresses, i love them all!

and, ofc i have to give big thanks the chaos trio too @thatghostinyourbog @spccts & @msshinylemon !! yes, i'm calling you that, that name is fitting, shovel fight if you disagree, losers >:3 i have to thank you three a lot, ya'll are so fun to hang around and play games with, i seriously love what you all do, be it drawing, writing or just the way ya'll yap nonstop! it's sm fun hanging out and i love how we bounce off each other so well and ya'll inspire me so much!! also tysm @nolongerforthetainted for babysitting them!! i really love your writing sm and it's always sm fun yapping with you, and also pls make more coleslaw beds!! i need them! but honestly, thank you so much, i am so happy to have met ya'll and i always look forward to talking and hang out with ya'll!!

WAAAAA THAT IS SO LONG OMG BUT!!! I also need to thank each one of you, all my moots and everyone that just takes their time to look at my art, leave a like, reblog, comment what ever really, i appreciate each and every one of you so so much! thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart, i can't explain how much it means to me! i also want to give a lil thanks to @noakiie @nevertheblood @altruistic-meme @artsyaudience @konbupie @jellyphink & @lethargyinafishbowl i wanted to tag more but i'm so sorry but i'm too scared, really ;;;

idk how to end this, honestly, i feel like i wrote too much and rambled way too much. i guess i'm just gonna-- *runs*

WITH MUCH LOVE AND A BIG HOP STEP JUMP -mochi soup

[calliopesdiary]

Hihi! I LOVED your "i wish i was heather" post! It was so WOW. Like I loved the idea and your writing is stellar! I also saw your answer about doing a part two for it like, FIVE minutes ago and I was like YESSSSSSS. Because I need to know what happens. Like I NEED the groveling. I hope YN gives the marauders a hard time because they cheated on her?!?!?! and I love Lily, but like she just stood for it?!?!?! And she didn't even break the relationship off?!?! ANyway that's it. I just wanted to share my thoughts, lol. But, its actually honestly so good! Sending very good vibes your way!!!!!!!!

hello hello!! and thank you for all of the compliments!!

you are so right, honestly. if i were lily i wouldn’t have stood for it

but honestly i feel like lily is a victim here just since readers relationship with them was secret due to her being (maybe) a slytherin student?? idk i left it up to interpretation

but lily seriously didn’t know better

and i think lily’s love was just too powerful for her to resist so she ended up forgiving them🤷‍♀️

but hey what do i know? i only wrote the fic 🤷‍♀️

what are YOUR thoughts?

[itsa-me-lily]

This was something cute that I wanted to write before but instead wrote Nine Inches.

Here is the MPS AU masterlist

Self care came in many forms. Sometimes it was a little treat in the form of a new craft kit you wanted to try. Sometimes it was going to an extra group class at the local dance studio. And sometimes it was a Spa Day. A day to just indulge in doing everything that made you feel good in your skin and peaceful in your mind. After the scare with Jiji and Tombo, you deserved a little relaxation. Plus with the weekend, and Simon being out with his team doing something, it meant the house was all yours.

So after sleeping in later than you typically did you had indulged in an everything shower. You used the fancy body scrub that smelt of chocolate and strawberries before taking the time to shave your legs, even going through the effort to go above the knee. You had just changed the sheets on the pull out to a softer silken set and you knew brushing your freshly shaven legs against them at night was going to feel divine. One deep conditioning later left your hair feeling softer.

Honestly overall you just felt a little softer as you exited the steaming bathroom, leisurely taking the handful of steps to the bedroom instead of the typical dash to avoid flashing your marital roommate. You hummed along to your playlist as you grabbed the first shirt out of a a half opened drawer, not really paying attention to who's draw it was. The shirt was soft from supposed years of use and big enough that when you put it on it could just cover your butt. And with your most comfortable set of underwear, the Spa Day attire was complete. Simon always messaged before coming back anyways, you figured you had time to throw on pants if needed.

The next step was provisions. For the guinea pigs you cut up a cucumber, thankful that Baker was still young enough that he could still be taught that vegetables were good for him. Saving yourself a few slices for an eye mask you make a spread of cheese and deli meats, glad you saved your favorite olives for this charcuterie experience.

You had just given the boys their snack, and was debating on if you wanted a pore extraction mask or a hydrating one you had picked up the last time you had gone to the pharmacy, when the front lock clicked and the door swung open.

Thankfully it wasn't someone making a poor attempt to break into your home, because really the front door in broad daylight? Unfortunately it was one Simon Riley, who you were not expecting. The two of you just stared at each other for a moment, Simon standing stock still filling up the doorway, while you were standing by the cough, hunched over like you were Gollum. Both of your brains seemed to need time to process what you were seeing.

"You're home early."

"You're not wearing pants."

"Who's not wearing pants?"

To your horror you saw a mohawked head pop over Simon's shoulder, seeking the answer to his own question. A squeak from you had Simon palming the Scot's face, keeping him from seeing your pantless form.

"No one Soap."

You took the opening that Simon gave you, scrambling to the bedroom and slamming the door shut.

Simon didn't plan on mentioning the fact that you were wearing his shirt, or that he was going to be thinking about the fact you were wearing his shirt. He wasn't going to mention how seeing the name Riley printed across your shoulders had intrigued some caveman part of his brain. Nope he wasn't going to mention it. Just like how he wasn't going to let you stick some black goop to his forehead.

Once you had come back from the bedroom, this time wearing pants, you had insisted on letting him, Gaz, and Soap stay for your 'spa day'. Or well, the other two had essentially invited themselves in, and you were nice enough to let them all stay. For a price of course. It came in the form of you torturing them via tweezers and face masks.

Simon had seen Soap brush off medics when he had a gotten a cut to the bicep, a nasty farewell gift from trouble in the gulf. The Scotsman had taken hits to the face and walked off like they were nothing. And yet the dulcet tones of Soap whining that you were pulling every eyebrow hair from his face graced Simon's ears. Served him right for being self imposing.

Gaz, the pretty boy, apparently had perfect eyebrows already, seeing as you had decided to try out some clay mask you had stashed away on him. Given how it looked drying on him, Simon wasn't sure if it was the better deal or not. With chucklehead one and two beautified, it had just left Simon as your last victim. And you wanted to put goop on his forehead.

Honestly Simon had hoped that his surgical mask would deter you, since it covered most of his face. He should have gone with a balaclava because you had declared that you could simply use your 'pore cleanser' on his forehead. Not if he had a say. He'd seen you use it before, smearing a black stripe across your nose and chin, only to pull it off later in what looked like a truly painful manner. He may have been a glutton for punishment at times, but Simon wasn't an idiot.

Which was why the battle of wills ended with you putting the stupid goop on his forehead. He tried not to focus on how the goop felt cold as you spread it with a tiny spatula thing, or how you'd lightly scold him for how he'd wrinkle his forehead, like he could help it.

Instead he kept his focus on the lower portion of your face, the way your jaw and chin formed a soft semicircle. How deeply the laugh lines were etched in when you smiled at something Gaz did with the boys. It looked like you were biting your lips again, the skin of the lower one slightly torn.

He wondered if they'd feel rough if he-

"Hey Lt, these cokes good to have?"

Simon tore his gaze away from your mouth, cutting to over your shoulder to look at Soap who was inviting himself to your fridge. As if he hadn't already partaken in the spread you had made yourself. He couldn't tell if he was more annoyed with the way he invited himself to things or the interruption.

"Leave the ones with black caps. They're for Thimble."

You paused the painting of his forehead, leaning back to look at his face better.

"Who the hell is Thimble and why are they getting my cokes?"

Simon couldn't help the dry huff at how affronted you sounded at the hypothetical loss of your sodas.

"No one's getting your cokes. You're Thimble."

Simon couldn't see the other two, but he could just imagine the looks he was getting. It didn't have to mean anything that he gave his own wife a call sign. Honestly he felt like getting you jewelry would have meant more.

"Do I have a say in the nickname?"

You didn't sound angry about it, more curious. He shrugged, eyes meeting yours through his lashes.

"Most don't. They just happen."

"Well at least that explains Soap."

"Plus yours is better anyways."

Simon couldn't help but smile at the indignant squawk that came from the kitchen. Again, it's what the lout got for being imposing.

"Guess I can't complain too much then."

Your matching smile made the corner of your eyes crinkle. Was that suppose to be as endearing as he found it?

"Good. Rather like Thimble."

Before you could reply, Gaz was chiming in, the fucker startling the two of you back from where you had drifted closer. When had you drifted closer?

"Um...is this stuff supposed to burn?"

You were gone in an instance, saying something about a possible reaction and needing to wash Gaz's face. Simon was left to watch as you walked away from him, his last name still printed against your back and the scent of strawberries in his nose.

Edit;

Playing DA with my bestie as I write this. If we got cockblocked by a whisp Gaz can have a possible allergic reaction.

Here is the Simon & Thimble Playlist

[engagedtobefree]

I haven’t done a life update in a while, even though there’s been many times over the course of these past several months where I’ve wanted to take to my keyboard and type away. I just haven’t had the time. Things have been a bit all over the place; sometimes in bad ways, sometimes in good ways, mostly in neutral. I have been weaving in and out of stress, hope, anxiety, peace, despondency, and vivacity like a constant thread stitching through life. It’s been a bit nerve-wracking, but I’m doing the best I can.

I’ve been having a lot of financial struggles as this year has progressed, and I’ve finally resigned myself to getting a work-from-home part-time job. I hope to update my resume this week and start sending it out. I’ve been using apps on my phone to make some side cash here and there, but with all the hours I put in and little payoff, my time is better suited elsewhere. I also want to work on some passive income stuff, but that will have to come after I have another job with steady income. I also have some things I’ve been meaning to sell for forever, and I should put those up since it’s the holiday season now. I don’t really ever buy myself anything, and I didn’t even want to purchase the few items I needed for my Halloween costume (luckily I already owned a few things), but I figured life is too short to just put everything towards bills. I also couldn’t afford the vacation I just went on. I can barely afford my groceries. I’ve been using Amazon gift cards from surveys to buy things I need on there. My only monthly allowances are my two book subscriptions and a yoga subscription, which only come out to about $54 a month. I’ve cut back so much on groceries that cutting back even more means either eating more unhealthily, skipping meals, or eating much smaller portions. I’ve resigned myself to start going to food pantries to get a few things. It won’t be a huge help, but if I can knock even $10 off my grocery list every week, that will be something. I was supposed to go to one today, but mistakenly thought they were open until 11:30 when they were only open until 11. I woke up around 9 and got out of bed around 9:25, so I had plenty of time, but I completely forgot about it until 10:30, so I will just go next week. I would be fine financially if I didn’t have my car payment, but I needed a new car last year and I went with the cheapest I could find that was brand new. I’m pretty sure one of my tires might need replacing because the light keeps coming on despite me filling them, which is frustrating. If I taught more yoga classes, that would help too, but I’m not ready to go back to that just yet since my own personal practice has suffered a lot this past year. 

I don’t even know where to start with everything else. I guess I’ll start with Scott. He’s come over to hang out a few times, which is fine. I like being friends. The only problem is, I can tell he still wants more. He always replies to my Snapchat stories (usually with compliments), reaches out maybe every other Friday or so asking if I’m free, then makes sure to compliment me some more once he’s in my presence. He hasn’t tried anything and he’s been respectful, but I think he has hope that he’s going to wear down my resolve and that something will happen between us. It won’t. I made it very clear last year about only wanting a friendship, and that hasn’t changed. Once I make up my mind, that’s it. That’s all there is. It takes me a very long time to make big decisions like the one I made with Scott, so by the time I make it, I am very sure of my answer. I left no room for guessing or doubt. There was one night though that I am kicking myself for. Back maybe 2 or 3 months ago, Scott came over with a 4 pack he thought I’d like. He did good with the drink, I will give him credit for that, but the alcohol percentage per can was almost 12%, which I don’t think he did on purpose. I had 2 cans of those along with another drink or 2, and long story short, I blacked out, which hasn’t happened in like 8 years. I don’t drink that much now that I’m older, so I can’t hold my alcohol well. I resurfaced only once, and I was holding Scott’s arm and chatting away. I am a very affectionate and bubbly drunk. Sober me is not much of a people person, but drunk me just adores everyone. Back in my early 20’s, I would kiss my friends, usually my female ones, all the time. It was always platonically. When I got a boyfriend during that time period, he was still okay with me kissing my girl friends, which was fine with me, as just having a boyfriend would have been enough. Even if I have just one person to give affection to, I’m good. And I am still completely loyal, no matter how far gone I get. That is something that is simply integral in who I am as a person. Obviously now that I’m 33 I’m not acting exactly how I was when I was in my early 20s, but I will still be chatty and affectionate, even if it’s just a light arm touch or something. I am so mad at myself for grabbing Scott’s arm like that though, because I don’t want to send mixed signals. I am not a mixed signals kind of person. I have no desire to lead someone on or to continue dealing with something I don’t want to deal with. I would hope that something like that wouldn’t spark any hope in him, but Scott has persisted despite me giving absolutely nothing else. Hell, he’s persisted despite me setting a very clear boundary for our relationship. I do not know how to handle this from here, because I already previously told him what I wanted. He hasn’t tried anything or asked for anything, so it makes me feel weird to just bring it up out of the blue without a catalyst. But because I don’t want to deal with it, I’m probably going to have to do that. I don’t know. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s frustrating, but I just don’t want to have to deal with it.

Anyway, apparently the night I blacked out, I decided to lay down on my sofa and go to sleep while Scott was still there. I woke up around 8 a.m. the next day, instantly panicked. I didn’t remember falling asleep or Scott leaving. A quick body scan told me nothing happened, and when I went downstairs, I could see Scott turned the bottom lock when he left. I don’t think Scott would do anything to me, but there’s just certain scenarios where I’ve woken up and I’m 21 again and there’s a man’s fingers going in and out of me. I don’t think about it very often, but a part of me still fears that happening again.

Scott hasn’t come over that often, only a few times since maybe the beginning of the summer. There were two nights when he came over where towards the end of him being there, I started to wish he was Chris. I know that sounds kind of weird, and I don’t have an explanation for that, but I felt a really strong desire to be in Chris’s presence and to be talking to him instead. I felt bad because that isn’t fair to Scott, but I don’t think that I would have felt that way had Scott not been hitting on me throughout the night. I don’t want anyone to hit on me except for Chris. Both times, immediately after Scott left, my brain went, “Let’s reach out to Chris!!!” and of course cuz I’m all buzzed I think it’s a great idea. Both times, I told him to have a wonderful weekend. He responded to both some time in the morning, just repeating what I said back to me but with the words changed to fit me instead. However, the second time, he prefaced it with “Ur so beautiful”. That took me by surprise, and I had to stop to process that before reading the rest of his message. He’s called me beautiful several times before, but I guess I wasn’t expecting it, especially since when I went back to look at the pic I sent him (thankfully, I saved it lol), I definitely looked a bit inebriated😑. For whatever reason, when he responds to a selfie of mine, I imagine being in his shoes, opening the picture, seeing what he sees. Even when it’s not selfies and even when it’s my Snap story and not anything I sent directly to him, I wonder what thoughts run through his mind, how he processes everything, what he’d have to say. I’ve never done any of that before, and I don’t know why I’m doing it now. I was a bit frustrated with myself both times for reaching out though. I had decided not to reach out to Chris until I figure out exactly what has been going on, but drunk me had to go and ruin that. It’s not really a big deal, but I thought creating some space would be helpful or beneficial in a way.

My next appointment with Chris is on November 18th, just over 1 week away. I’ve heard from him a few times recently. He reached out to wish me a happy birthday last month, and he responded to my Halloween pics by telling me I look awesome. For well over a month now, I’ve been feeling a certain shift in the air regarding Chris. I don’t know what it is yet; I only know that it’s happening. I also feel that Chris and I will be showing up to my appointment with very different intentions. I don’t know what his are, but I know that mine will be the intention of getting answers. I am not a confrontational or accusatory type of person, so it won’t be anything dramatic, but I do plan to ask questions. It will be more inquisitive than anything else. I have been going over in my mind for some time now how I want to phrase my questions, but I’m still unsure of what I plan to go with. At this point, I am thinking it depends on what sort of opening I have at my appointment, like the context of the conversation. Obviously, I won’t know what that is until I’m actually there. I am hoping to ask him about what’s going on, if he’s leading me on or not, what his intentions are. I also hope to get some answers about the girlfriend scenario, more specifically about when they broke up and if it was before or after he gave me his number and started flirting with me. The second question I anticipate to be a bit more difficult to get in. I said before that Chris doesn’t owe me anything, and he doesn’t, but if he’s been deceitful or at the very least purposely misleading at any point in time, then I do think I deserve honesty about that. He doesn’t have to give it to me, but that does not change the fact that I am deserving of it. I do not know what comes after this appointment. The only thing I can foresee is that this needs to be done, whether I like it or not. 

That brings me around to his girlfriend, or well, ex-girlfriend. I was, for many months, leaving the situation alone. I was hurt, yes, but I saw no immediate way for me to get any answers, so I carried on with my life and put my focus on other things. Of course, my mind still wandered around to Chris all the time, but then I’d reel my attention back in, telling myself there’s no reason to think about someone who is possibly not even single and that there’s also no reason to worry because I can’t change anything and I can’t get any answers yet. That has changed as my appointment has started to loom in the not-too-far-off-distance. So at the beginning of last month, I decided to check her Pinterest account since it’s the only regularly active social media account I could find on her, and to my surprise, she was posting quite often. None of it really gave me any clues though. A majority of it has been crafting and sewing stuff. There was a little craft piano thing she had pinned, but after mulling it over a bit, I decided that wasn’t enough to go off of. For maybe two weeks straight, I was checking a few times a week. About three weeks ago, I started to teeter back, reeling my anxiety back in, resigning myself to simply waiting until my appointment to get any sort of answer. About another week or so passed before I decided to check one last time. My stomach dropped when I saw a day prior, she posted to her “Love” board. That feeling immediately subsided as I clicked because something in me just knew it wasn’t going to be what it seemed. She pinned a quote about grieving the end of a relationship, about always remembering them and remembering what they gave you, but then moving forward by giving yourself love. This was all the confirmation I needed, the confirmation I was looking for, the one that was to turn the tides in a more favorable direction. I paused, processed what I had just read, then waited for the relief to wash over me. It never came.

Instead, what formed was a large knot in my chest. I felt so sorry for her. Immediately, I began to think of my 23 year old self, heartbroken because she believed she just lost the love of her life, that she’d think of him forever, that she was permanently ruined, that she’d mourn his loss until her dying day, that there was nothing and no one better than him and what they had. We were looking at apartments and planning to move in together. I thought we were going to get married one day. The break-up gutted me. I stopped counting how many nights in a row I cried myself to sleep after 2 months passed without a single night of reprieve. I didn’t even really feel remotely better whatsoever until after 6 months had passed since the break-up. When he saw me doing good, he came back around saying he missed me and wanted to try again. I saw him twice before he did a complete 180 and dropped me again. It put me right back where I started. I didn’t get over that relationship ending until about a year and half to two years later, and it took me about three for me to really see the truth of what that relationship was. I realized that he did us both a favor by ending it, that while I cared about him deeply it wasn’t truly love, that he wasn’t a person I really wanted a future with and it wouldn’t have worked between us, and that the right person wouldn’t leave me during a period of my life when I needed them the most. I felt so sorry for her because I know what it feels like and what she’s going through, and even if it isn’t exactly the same scenario and even if she doesn’t come out of it in the same way I did, I do understand in some capacity and I know how much it hurts. I also know it gets better. I went through a similar heartbreak with Scott, even though we were never in a relationship, and coming out the other end of that was also a really good thing. I am so glad things ended. That doesn’t change how difficult those times were though. It sucks when you’re going through it and you don’t see any light at the end of the deep, dark tunnel someone else has forced you down. I couldn’t feel relief at seeing that photo because there was no room for anything else except empathy. I thought it was what I wanted to see, but turns out it wasn’t.

It took me about two days after seeing that picture to realize that Chris was most likely the one who ended the relationship. That made me wonder if maybe I haven’t actually been a second choice. I’ve never faulted Chris for being in a relationship because that would be stupid and unfair, and my mind never even traveled in that direction anyway; my issue has always been if he initiated things with me before he was single and if he was still in a relationship now. Out of the many devastations that came from that knowledge, one has been that I was a second choice, a back-up plan, a safety net to fall back on when the first, preferable option didn’t work out. But what if none of that were true? I mean, obviously, I entered the scene later. What if the original choice couldn’t easily be undone and it needed time to be let go of? It never even occurred to me that Chris would think his original choice wasn’t the right choice. I have only been viewing myself as a possible outlier here, something to be eyed but never bought, a thing to be messed with and not a person to be considerate of. Another thing that crossed my mind is: what if Chris made the right choice in starting this off too early? I started thinking about which was the preferable option: Chris giving me his number while he was still taken or Chris letting me walk out that day without flirting or giving me his number. My reflexive response was to say the latter, but then I stopped to really think about it. What if it had gotten to the point of me asking for his number and he rejected me? Would I have left there mortified? Would I have started going to a different dental office after that? Or what if neither one of us attempted anything? Would I have resolved to go for it the next time or have decided he simply wasn’t interested? Of course, there is that 3rd option, where he could have ended his relationship before my appointment even rolled around. I also started to think about what has been going on on Chris’s end. What drew him to me? How did he know I was interested in the first place? Has anything I’ve experienced happened on his end too? Previously, I immediately assumed there’s no way, that all those weird things I can’t explain were only happening on my end. But what if they weren’t? What if I haven’t actually been alone in this? What if this has all been reciprocal? My thoughts are suddenly shifting in all of these new directions, and I can feel this sort of opening in my chest that wasn’t there before. I guess I never really thought about any of this previously. There had to be something that stood out to Chris beyond him simply thinking I’m pretty. These are all questions for a future day though, assuming all goes well at my next appointment.

I’m not sure when, but for at least over a month now, I’ve been mulling over my past appointments: things that happened, conversations we had, stuff I felt, Chris himself. The result of that has been creating a positive shift within me. It’s like there’s always this tug of war within me between fear and trust, and now the trust side is winning. I do still have things I need to work through and fears about relationships, but for the most part, I have shifted out of that anxiety and into the mindset of staying present with only what is here now. I still have my moments, and I plan to write about all of that soon hopefully, probably on my side blog, which I’ve been neglecting the past several months. There’s a few topics I want to write about on there because they’re so deeply personal and vulnerable, so I’d rather they not be public for anyone to comment on. Not that my long, rambling personal posts are creating any discourse up on the interwebs, but I’d like to completely erase the possibility of that happening, cuz ya know, people 🙄. Anyway, back to the trust thing. The shift started happening many weeks ago, but I do think seeing the picture his ex posted bumped that process up a bit more too. It didn’t have an immediate effect, but I can definitely feel it helped shift me along a bit further than I was. I still want to ask Chris those questions because I want to hear things from him. That’s only fair. Plus, I don’t think I can put any of that stuff behind me until I do confirm things from him and get some more clarity. I think possibly that I simply wasn’t ready before, but now I am. I am tired of always avoiding truths and my intuition just because of stupid messages from other people and society. People are always so caught up in their own ego, needing other people to believe what they believe, live how they live, decide how they decide, think how they think. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m so sick and tired of it and don’t care anymore. I don’t want to live like those people who are only ever in their heads, who don’t believe in the spiritual side of life, who have limited beliefs and mindsets about what is real and possible. I don’t care if anything I say comes off as crazy, delusional, or impossible. I really, truly, do not care anymore. They can stay mad about it. No one has to believe me or believe in me, because I already do. If they’re that upset about my truths, beliefs, or decisions that literally have nothing to do with them, then they’re not focusing enough on themselves and their own life. I don’t want to be like those people and I’m under no obligation to please them, and I’m tired of trying to. 

I am ready for change and I am going to pursue it. I’ve been starting to jump back into astrology, and am just learning about how Pluto leaving Capricorn is ending a difficult 15 years for all of those with their sun or ascendant in cardinal signs (both apply to me). There’s been a lot of hard lessons and upheavals, which have demanded resilience and transformation, but now it’s time to enter a new chapter of expansion, innovation, and liberation. I can feel all of that. My ADHD meds are working great, so I think that’s also helping. I have so much to tackle still, but I’ve slowly been chipping away at getting my apartment clean and organized, meditating daily (sometimes several times a day), getting back into exercising and yoga and moving more, making more time for hobbies, and slowly improving my sleep (the Digital Detox app has been helping me stay off my phone at night). My meds aren’t foolproof, so I still have days that are more difficult than others, but overall, I’d say I’m in a pretty decent place. I’m also stepping out of perfectionism a bit more, shifting my mindset into following the belief that it’s better to do something imperfectly than not at all. I’m very excited to continue down this road I’m on.

I’ve been shifting my thoughts in other ways too lately. Recently, I’ve been starting to change the way I view my physical appearance. It’s more so at the beginning stages, but it’s something at least. I know I’m not conventionally attractive. While when I was younger, there was a period of time where I thought I was ugly, I no longer think that. I know I’m pretty, but I know I’m pretty in an average sort of way. There’s been a handful of times throughout my life where people had something mean to say about my appearance, but those have been greatly outnumbered by the really nice things people have said to me in regards to how I look. At times, especially when I was much younger, I considered all the different surgeries I might get: breast implants, nose job, lip lift. As time went on, I decided against them, and while I still struggle sometimes with accepting myself, I no longer want to pursue going under the knife. I might be open to it once I’m an old lady, but by then I might not even care at all lol. I don’t get hit on that often, though I also don’t really go anywhere to get hit on, and if I do notice someone interested in me, I act like I don’t notice. When I was at my friend’s Halloween party, a younger guy came up to me and started flirting with me while I was standing off to the side by myself (I was mingling too, just had some moments where I wasn’t lol). He jokingly told me he knew I was standing there with my axe to look threatening to keep all the fellas away. I thought, “Hell yeah, this dude gets it”. I wasn’t purposely doing that, but I enjoyed the idea that I could look threatening, even though I know I don’t look that way at all lol. We shared a few laughs and after I didn’t reciprocate any of his flirting, he wandered off. It made me realize I probably would get hit on more often if I went out more, but I don’t want to get hit on so I will not start going out more often any time soon lol.

Recently, Youtube randomly recommended a video to me about the downside of veneers. I never really knew what exactly veneers were since I never cared to look into it. I was horrified to learn that this is a common thing people are doing, where they’re getting their perfectly healthy, normal teeth filed down to put fake, porcelain teeth over top. People thinking their teeth were so unattractive that they needed to get rid of them altogether blew my mind. As someone who always gets told they have “perfect” teeth, I myself am not attracted to the same. I mean, not that I want someone with a bad mouth, but some crooked teeth will get me looking, in a good way. I do tend to sometimes look at people’s mouths when they’re talking, because I just think teeth are cute. I like seeing all the different teeth out there. I do this with everyone, so it’s not me doing it because I find them attractive or am checking them out in some capacity; I simply like the way teeth look. I’m happy my mom got me braces and I don’t mind how my teeth look, but even if she hadn’t done that for me, I can't picture myself ever doing something like getting veneers. Another thing I found out is that people get their irises dyed or get fake lens implants to change their eye color. I thought that was even more insane than the veneer thing. Looking through images, I saw a lot of people getting it done were people of color, and they were usually opting for light blue or green eyes. The green, if not too light, looked okay sometimes, but the blue looked really weird. The rest of their features are darker, so the blue didn’t look right at all. On any of them. My mind immediately went to, “What is wrong with brown eyes??? Or hazel????” I have always been complimented on my eyes and tbh, I do think they’re my best feature. In the light, they are incredibly blue. I’ll never forget when I was working at Wendys as a teen, an older gentleman walked up to order and when he looked at me he said, “You have the bluest damn eyes I’ve ever seen”. The eye color I think is the nicest though? Brown. Yet, there are people getting rid of their brown eyes, giving themselves all sorts of issues like glaucoma just so they can feel more attractive. Any eye color can be attractive to someone. There’s no one-size-fits-all.

Finally the last thing - that I saw most recently - was regarding lips. I’ve always liked my bottom lip, but have always been incredibly more scrutinizing of my top one. I have a pretty pronounced cupid’s bow, so the top points of my lip are more pointed, like mountain peaks. I’ve never liked it. I don’t like how they look when I talk, especially. I’ve never been a huge fan of wearing red lipstick because more than any other color, even darker shades like black, I feel like it becomes more pronounced. I think my lip shape looks fine on other people, like Taylor Swift for example, but I’ve never liked it on me. I’ve always wished for softer, more rounded lips, like the ones all the makeup trends are trying (and failing, imo) to recreate, and the ones that get touted as beautiful in the media (see Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie - in regards to shape, not size). So then I’m on Reddit, scrolling through some random sub (I don’t even remember what it was, I somehow got from the Wicked movie to Ariana Grande posts, so I think it was some sort of celebrity sub, which is super random cuz I don’t usually care about celebrities), and imagine my surprise when I see a comment with someone saying how they find strong cupids bows attractive. I was even more surprised by all the upvotes and people commenting back in agreement. It has never occurred to me in my entire life that someone would find my lip shape attractive. Never. Then I go to Google, and apparently my lip shape is found attractive by so many people, viewed as “classic” and “romantic”. There’s even a surgery people get to make their cupid's bow more pronounced, and it’s pretty popular. I was completely dumbstruck. A feature I have disliked my entire life people are going to plastic surgeons to recreate. All these features I have that people are paying money to get, ruining their bodies and changing themselves when there’s literally nothing wrong with them. It blows my mind. I had to wear lipstick for my Lisa Frankenstein costume, and it was the first time I put red lipstick on and actually felt excited about it. That was probably also partially due to my excitement about dressing up as Lisa, but I know part of it was because of this too.

It’s also very strange to me how people judge others, like using that on-a-scale-from-one-to-ten thing. Ever since I was a teen, I can remember not liking how people do that, mostly because I heard men utilizing it more than women, but also for other reasons too. First off, when is anyone ever a “10”? I feel like it just sets people up for failure. Also, judging people based solely on appearances is such a shitty thing to do and is so incredibly harmful. Truly. On the same day as I was on that other Reddit post, I ended up in that one group where women rate famous women’s appearances (I forget the name of the group, but there’s also a men’s equivalent where they also rate famous women - it also might be where I saw the Ariana pic), and someone rated Princess Diana a 10 based on more than just her looks, and a few people kept coming at them for it. I don’t get it. Apparently - and I’ve heard this many times - when people are rating themselves, they tend to rate themselves higher than how others perceive them. On my best days, I’d say I’m like a 6 at most, so not really sure where that places me in the reality of things. I just think it’s overall such a terrible thing we do to each other, to judge and point out what flaws aren’t making us look our “best”. Like, what are other people supposed to do about it?? They can’t help what features they were born with. This is why people turn to plastic surgery so often now. Humanity can be so very disappointing.

Anyway, moving on. Another exciting thing that I found out in September is that I qualify for Italian dual citizenship as a person of Italian descent! It’s called jure sanguinis (sometimes also spelled as jus, or even iure, probably because there’s no j in Italian - though the word comes from Latin). There’s a ton of criteria that has to be met and Italy just made a major new ruling that unfortunately disqualifies a ton of people. I know I qualify through my great-grandmother (GGM), but I am waiting to find out if I qualify through my great-grandfather (GGF). It’s easier and less expensive to go through a male ancestor than a female one, unfortunately. This is because prior to 1948, Italy only recognized Italian descent as being passed down through males, so the Italian courts can still reject applications based on the fact that a female ancestor gave birth to your next-of-kin if it was prior to that date. I mean, is a law really abolished if you’re still upholding it in some way, shape, or form? I’d think not, but what do I know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  I’d also need to hire an Italian lawyer to handle my case if I went through my GGM, which is why it’s more expensive. So even after acquiring the extra paperwork, taking the extra steps needed, hiring a lawyer, and paying extra money, you can still be rejected. Gotta love sexism. This is going to be a long, grueling road ahead either way. I’m most likely going to need to get documents amended since they were just putting any old thing on documents back in the day, and this is regardless of whoever I go through. 

Prior to August of 1992, Italy did not allow dual citizenship, so if Italians wanted to become US citizens, they had to give up their Italian citizenship. Italy allows descendants of those Italian immigrants to reclaim their citizenship, but there’s a lot of criteria to meet. So the main criteria is that your Italian-born ancestor didn’t naturalize (become a US citizen) before your next-of-kin was born, or that they didn’t naturalize at all. If your Italian-born ancestor came over as a minor (under 21 according to Italy prior to March 1975) and their parent naturalized, that naturalization automatically passed down to your Italian-born ancestor. This is what’s known as “the minor issue”. It can be a means for being rejected, but not necessarily. However, the new addition Italy just made on the minor issue is that if your next-of-kin was a minor when your Italian-born ancestor naturalized, it is automatically a disqualification. For example, my GGM came over here as a minor with her father (my GGGF). If he naturalized while she was still a minor, then she automatically naturalized too. However, my application for citizenship can still be accepted despite this because the Italian government usually views it as involuntary naturalization and is therefore not disqualifying. My grandfather (GF) is my next-of-kin, so if both of my great-grandparents (GGP) naturalized while he was a minor, then I would automatically be disqualified to gain citizenship through jure sanguinis. However, if only one naturalized while he was a minor, I can still go through my other GGP. So if your Italian-born ancestry had to involuntarily naturalize as a minor, you might still be good, but if your Italian-born ancestor voluntarily naturalized while your next-of-kin was a minor, you’re not good. Idk why they made that addition to the minor issue, but it’s fucked a lot of people over. It was really sad to see people posting about how they spent so much money and put in so much work over the course of many long years just for them to now be disqualified. I feel so sorry for them. 

My Italian ancestry is on my dad’s side, so my line of descent is: my great-grandparents  -> my grandfather -> my father -> me. (I know I have some Italian through my grandmother on my dad’s side as well based off of my DNA tests, but it would be through her father and  we don’t know who he was, so I can’t go that route.) I do not know yet if my GGF naturalized or not. I submitted a request to the US records branch to do a record search and also reached out to local branches in the places he lived. The US branch hasn’t responded back yet, and it usually takes on average about 3 months to a year to get a response from them. I submitted my request at the end of September. The Philadelphia branch had no record of him naturalizing there, but I have to check with them again in December. The local branch in NYC just closed and all of their records are being sent to the Philly branch, but they aren’t expected to be ready until some time in December. Sometimes it’s possible to find naturalization records online for free, but I couldn’t find any for my GGF. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist though, cuz not every single record has been uploaded. I did find my GGM’s naturalization card online, showing that my GGM naturalized in 1944. My GF was born in 1915, so he was an adult when she naturalized, meaning that I can qualify through her, though it’s not a definite approval because of the 1948 thing. Another issue I have is that my GGM went back to NYC to naturalize and used her old address from 20-something years prior. I’m guessing she didn’t know she could have gone through Philly, like maybe she thought she had to do it through NYC since that’s where she first immigrated to. That’s why I’m also thinking my GGF probably did the same thing, hence why there was no record of him naturalizing in Philly. I don’t blame them for that because there was most definitely a language barrier and also our government is not the best with making things very clear even for their native English-speaking citizens, but I do foresee that as being a pain in the ass to work around. Also, if my GGF never naturalized, I would have to get his death certificate amended because it says on there he was a US citizen. There’s a ton of other info I could write about this, a bunch of other hurdles to navigate, and a few more potential disqualifiers (they don’t apply to me), but it would take me the rest of the day to write about all of it, so I’ll end that bit there.

One thing I saw a few times in a group I’m in is people feeling bad about going through this process, like they’re destroying what their ancestors worked hard for. I was completely baffled and shocked to see that sentiment, and when I read the responses, I wasn’t the only one. Firstly, our ancestors didn’t have a choice. They had to choose one or the other: either they became a citizen of the country they moved to or they stayed a citizen of their birth country. It was one or the other. Secondly, how do we know they wouldn’t have kept both if they had the option? Seeing as it took my GGM almost 40 years after she came here to naturalize, I think it’s safe to speculate that it wasn’t the easiest decision to make. In modern times, we now have the privilege of having both citizenships. It’s really confusing to me to see how people think sometimes. Like, the place where my mind went was how cool it is that decisions my GGP made for themselves over a century ago to chart their own path forward is also affecting my own path in the present. That is so fucking cool to think about. My GGP both came over in 1905, and the requirement back then was that they had to live here for 5 years before they qualified for naturalization. Them deciding to wait much longer has the potential to greatly benefit me in the present. This would literally be life-changing. It has been a lifelong dream of mine to live in Europe, but I never wanted to just give up and leave my life here to do so. This is a wonderful alternative route. Being of Italian descent (doesn’t matter if you qualify for jure sanguinis or not), if I did move there, the wait time to become an Italian citizen is a lot less than those who are not of Italian descent: only 3 years vs 10. If I went through jure sanguinis and moved there, I could improve upon the 3 year wait time too, since the application process would be much quicker. I believe it would only take around 3 months to get approved compared to the insane wait times for US residents, though it could still be delayed over there too for whatever reason. It is generally much quicker though. For US residents, I’ve seen people say they waited anywhere from like 1-4 years for approval after submitting their docs, depending on the Italian-American consulate they had to apply to. The Philly branch, which is the one I’d apply through, from what I’ve read, is one of the faster ones. The lengthy wait times are fucking a lot of people over right now with the new ruling for the minor issue. People who submitted their applications years ago and were waiting on approval are now being denied based on the new ruling, which is really messed up. I think it should only apply to people who submitted after the new ruling took effect.

It’s already been worthwhile to simply trace my GGP history. They both came over here two months apart and were from the same region, but they never met until they were in NYC. One day, I decided to see where exactly their towns were located. They were both from the Foggia region, and when I looked up their towns, I noticed they seemed very close to one another. Turns out, they were only a 2 hour walk away from one another, which today is about an 11-12 minute car ride. How crazy is that??? I also found their names on the Ellis Island website. My GGF came over here alone at the age of 20 to stay with a cousin, and my GGM came over here with her father when she was 14 (still have to confirm my GGGF didn’t naturalize while she was still a minor, though I’m guessing she didn’t since I found her naturalization card). I also found a picture of them that someone uploaded on Ancestry. I can tell who my GGF is in the photo, but he’s standing next to two women, so I’m unsure who is my GGM. Oh, and also, their names are Leonardo and Angelina 🙂

My original plan for doing this was to some day, maybe 10 years or so into the future, have a second home. Obviously, I am incapable of affording that now, but this will take many years to complete, so it’s not something I need to figure out right away. I could live, work, and study anywhere in the EU, which is made up of 27 out of the 44 European countries, but if I lived in Italy I’d get many perks, including housing benefits, free healthcare, and tax breaks. There’s a ridiculous amount of benefits just from being a citizen of the EU, plus holding dual-citizenship with the US along with it as well. There’s virtually no downsides. My only thing now is that I wish I had known about this sooner so that I could pursue it sooner. America is not a great country. I know it is a “privilege” to live here, but that privilege only equates to convenience. With all of the businesses here and shipping hubs and attractions and close proximity to cities or places with a lot to offer and whatever else along those lines, we have nothing else aside from convenience. And yet, we have somehow made ourselves the center of the world, forcing our self-importance on everyone else, even though we remain way behind so many other first-world countries in areas like education, work, housing, human rights, benefits, healthcare, the economy. All of that is now about to get even worse with Mr. Fascist about to take office. People who already have their dual-citizenship can choose to go and leave this hellhole for the next 4+ years, and I envy them. I do find it a bit ironic that in order to leave my fascist-leaning government behind, I’d like to go live in the country where fascism originated. It’s almost humorous. Then at the same time I’m like, would it be cowardly to run, to leave everyone else who can’t escape to fend for themselves? Maybe, at least for the time being, I’m meant to stay here. If all goes well and smoothly, on the short end of things, I can be approved for my Italian citizenship within 2 years.

Ever since I was a kid, I have never liked it here. That was before I even knew and understood issues we have here and statistics about where we stand compared to other, more progressive countries. Something inside of me has always rejected the country I was born into. My mom used to get mad cuz she would always say it’s a “privilege” to live here, and as a teen, when I gained more knowledge, I had comebacks for telling her how it wasn’t. When I signed up to vote at 18, I registered as unaffiliated because I never wanted to be restricted with my vote. While I’ve never voted Republican and most likely never will, I at least am not limited to only voting Democrat. I did not vote for Biden because just as I am with Trump, I could not stomach him, but I would have brought myself to vote for him if I wasn’t confident he was going to win. I live in a blue state, so not that it matters much anyway. I had to vote for Kamala despite knowing she too was not the best (though I think she would’ve done even better than Biden), and I am so sick of it now seemingly always coming down to Bad Candidate and Worse Candidate. While Kamala didn’t have much of a plan, she could at least be influenced to do good, just like how it was with Biden. She could have at least been worked with. Trump can and will actively do more harm. It’s highly possible that this term is going to be even worse than his first. And at least the past 4 years with Biden there wasn’t any fucking nuclear bomb threats from North Korea or having to brace myself as I get another ping on my phone in regards to whatever asinine thing Trump said or did the day before or overnight while half of America was sleeping. And every time I have to hear about that man saying whatever is a witch hunt against him, my blood boils. It’s estimated that between 70-90% of victims of witchcraft were (and still are) women, and many of them were either poor, healers of some kind, unmarried or didn’t have children, rejected religious norms, or in some way were non-conforming to societal standards. Women were also more likely to be accused because they were viewed as “weaker” in different ways. This rich, privileged man making accusations of witch hunts against him is so aggravating, especially because he always does it whenever he’s being called out for something he literally said or did. And when Putin and Netanyahu, two politicians currently bombing the shit out of innocent civilians, are celebrating the election of someone, how does that not raise any red flags in some people??? I truly do not get it. “B-b-but the economy!” The economy started going under while Trump was still President, it just continued to worsen under Biden. Yes, someone needs to do something about it, but it’s wishful thinking Trump will get it done. Trump doesn’t care about the people; he cares about himself. He doesn’t even give a shit about his own family. This is a man who while on national tv said he’d date his own daughter if she wasn’t his daughter, all while she was sitting right next to him. He even implied he’d have sex with her. Link 1 and link 2 to clips of those. He has zero morals. While I want to believe he has the capacity for good, odds are he will do more harm than anything positive. The only good thing I can think of from his first presidency is when he got rid of the penalty for people who didn’t have health insurance. When I try to come up with something else, my mind literally draws a blank. I have never liked Trump. I remember being around 9 or 10 and my mom started watching the Apprentice, and I was shocked by how incredibly mean he was. I remember specifically asking my mom why he was so mean. I cannot recall her response, but that memory has stuck out to me because I was horrified by how anyone could be so cruel to other people. The speech Jimmy Kimmel gave about Trump winning was great. He says things more eloquently than I can.

Anyway, I had a few more things I was going to write about, but I think I’m going to put them on the back burner for now. This is already a really long post, and I anticipate another one coming up after my appointment with Chris.

[epickiya722]

Seeing someone say they hope Gege gets hit by a car and others going "good" because he's sick was just... look, hate or love the story but it's extreme to wish harm on some guy over FICTION.

You know, one reason why some people stop creating is because people do shit like that.

Imagine being someone who writes a fic and someone comments how they wish harm on you. OVER WORDS. THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO READ.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

[valzhangism]

i know i said i was happy about how mel's story went, but the more i think about it the less i'm sure about that. this is very much connected to how the themes of classism and wealth disappeared in s2, but mel in the beginning was the epitome of piltover. she wanted to advance piltover to prove herself to her mother. to "put piltover—" and by extension herself, "—on the map."

she wanted wealth just to have it. and i'm not blaming her for anything that happened, especially with hextech! she, just like jayce and viktor, could not have known what it would lead to. i mean yeah heimerdinger said so but who the hell listens to heimerdinger? but anyway i think mel changed throughout s1, much in thanks to jayce. by the end she's become more cognisant of the mistreatment of zaunites. she's the first to vote for their peace. she was a good person all along but now she knows how to act on it. it's also seen more in s2 act 1. when she covers her painting with gold, it's symbolic—she won't act according to what her mother might think. she won't let her desire for approval dictate her anymore.

so somehow i wish those themes were. continued, somehow? like again they were dropped not just with mel but the whole show and it makes her story a off to me. there's no meaningful commentary on war or classism or how her ideology stands opposite to her mother's. like some people have said, it feels like she doesn't have much agency, even if she is really cool. and that to me is a shame because agency felt like her thing. "to shape your own destiny" as she says to jayce in s1. i know her collaborating with the black rose (but not fully joining them) and learning magic is supposed to represent becoming independent from her mother, taking her own path, but some other aspects of her character were thrown away... the more i think about it the more i'm thinking they kind of #girlboss-ed her a little bit. maybe to sell another champion. i can't help but feel like even though i enjoyed seeing her on screen, the payoff didn't feel proportionally satisfying compared to her setup in s1.