#i honestly can’t tell if im getting better or not. the symptoms keep shifting around

[pizzazz-party]

i was on my way to killing my fourth tissue box last night when blood started coming out along with the snot, so that’s how im doing

[kkaebsongtypo]

preview | m.l | next

why wont you love me // hrj [01]

pairing: renjun x reader

genre: friends to lovers, slow burn, fluff, slight angst

wanings/notes: alcohol consumption (all parties are of legal age, drink responsibly!), mentions/symptoms of anxiety, mentions/signs of abandonment issues (very brief), jealousy (also very brief), inspired by the song Why Won't You Love Me by 5sos

(warnings/notes are subject to change and updates if needed.)

word count: 2.86k

Renjun and y/n are an inseparable pair; they know each other like the back of their own hands. For the most part. Renjun keeps his true feelings hidden; y/n refuses to acknowledge their own. Both hold the fear of losing each other. But will one night out and a little too much to drink change everything?

a/n: here's part oneeee! this will likely be posted in 4 or 5 parts im not 100% sure yet but yeah ! also im so sorry about that summary kashfslkd- lmk if you want to be in a taglist ^-^

You walked through the airport doors with Renjun at your side, Jisung and Chenle following close behind. You were pulling Renjun’s suitcase (despite his multiple protests) behind you as you met up with Jeno, Jaemin, and Donghyuck. Renjun took his suitcase from you and thanked you before following the group towards the luggage check-in line.

You waited for the boys at the end of the check-in area as they all put their luggage on the conveyor belt. Jisung was the first to come towards you and engulf you in a tight hug. Though the boy was excited for their trip, he had been pouting the whole drive to the airport about how he wished you were going with them. Unfortunately, you didn’t have the time to leave town for too long. Jisung had grown very fond of you soon after you met and vice versa; he had a habit of clinging to you, especially at times like these. You hugged the boy equally as tight, letting him know that you’d miss him too. When you pulled away, you patted his shoulder gently before Chenle shoved him out of the way with a wide smile and pulled you into his own arms. Each of your friends gave you a parting hug, saying their temporary farewells. Renjun was the last to approach you, immediately wrapping his arms around you.

“Don’t miss me too much.” You moved your arms from around your best friend's neck and rested your hands on his shoulders. He had a small smile on his lips as his gaze shifted between your eyes. You hummed gently at his words and plastered a mock-thinking face before meeting his gaze once more and responding.

“Hm, I think I should be the one saying that to you, mister. We both know that you’re the clingy one~” Renjun rolled his eyes at you and wrapped his arms back around your waist, pulling you into a final hug.

“Right right, because you totally weren’t clinging to me like a koala to a tree over the last few days while I was packing.” You smacked his back at this comment and tried to push him away, but ultimately failed when he tightened his hold around you.

“I’ll pick you up when you get back. Have fun and text me when you land.” Renjun closed his eyes and hummed softly into your shoulder.

“Only two weeks and a couple days, but I’ll miss you.” His voice was just above a whisper, not wanting the other boys to hear him. You smiled slightly at the lack of sarcasm in his voice. A soft sigh fell from your lips and you shook your head slightly.

“...I’ll miss you too dummy.” Renjun chuckled and pulled away, a soft smile on his lips to match your own.

“Oh my GOD, let’s GO Renjun. We still have to get through security.” Renjun bowed his head and exhaled deeply at the voice. You peeked around him to see Donghyuck swinging his bag back and forth impatiently, an over exaggerated look of annoyance displayed over his features. His face lit up with his signature bright smile when he caught your eye. He stopped swinging his bag and stood up straight before waving to you, almost as if he was trying to pretend he wasn’t just groaning in annoyance at your best friend. You giggled softly and waved back.

“You better get going before Hyuck throws his backpack at your skull.” Renjun laughed quietly at your warning and grabbed his suitcase.

“Alright, don’t get into any trouble while I’m gone.” He narrowed his eyes at you as he started making his way into the security screening line with the others.

“Don’t worry about me, I’d never do anything stupid without you~” You smiled innocently and Renjun rolled his eyes for the hundredth time in the last hour, his smile remaining on his lips. He waved to you one last time before disappearing farther into the line for the bag check. Once he was out of sight, you crossed your arms over your chest and turned towards the exit of the airport. You pulled out your phone when you got into your car and sent Renjun a quick text before pulling out of your parking space.

Renjun walked alongside Jeno ahead of the others after going through security. A small squeak echoed from Renjun’s pocket and he swiftly pulled out his phone, knowing it was you from the text tone. A simple “Have a safe flight!” flashed across the screen accompanied by an airplane and blue heart emoji. He scanned the message over his lockscreen, a faint warmth crept onto his cheeks and the same small smile frome before found his lips.

“Okay lover boy, we got a long flight ahead of us. Don’t want to run out of battery too fast.” He looked up from his phone and met Jeno’s eyes that were bent into crescent shapes from the smile he wore. Renjun’s blush deepened at the nickname Jeno started calling him months ago. He scratched the back of his neck and sighed.

“Two weeks dude. You two can facetime all you want because we all know you can’t go more than 5 hours without talking to each other; plus it’s not a huge time difference. You’ll be fine.” He nodded at Jeno’s words.

“Honestly though, why aren’t you together yet? You spend 95% of your time together, you basically live at each other’s places, everyone already thinks you’re together. You’re both clearly into each other-” Renjun sighed loudly and threw his head back, looking up at the ceiling.

“No, Jeno. We’re not ‘clearly into each other.’ We’ve acted like this for years, it’s nothing new. Yeah, maybe I caught feelings but that’s it. It’s one sided. It always will be.” Jeno shook his head and subtly rolled his eyes at his friend's attitude.

“Fine man, if that’s what you want to believe then I won’t argue any further. But just hear me out, the guys and I know both of you well enough to see things that you both always seem to miss. But you keep on doubting it if you really want to, I won’t stop you.” Renjun looked straight ahead, refusing to meet Jeno’s brief glance.

The group gathered together once again at the terminal; they discussed their seating for the plane, what the rough plan would be after arrival, and all the other random questions that popped up. The six boys sat in the chairs and on the floor, playing video games or mindlessly scrolling through their feeds. They boarded their flight in no time and quickly got settled in their seats as the other passengers filed in.

Renjun glanced out the window; the now setting sun painted the sky like a canvas in warm colours. He reached for his phone and snapped a picture before opening your contact. “About to take off, I’ll text you in a few hours when we land.” He sent the message along with the photo before switching his phone to airplane mode.

He pressed his head to the cabin wall and looked down at his home screen. His gaze rested on your smiling face, and he smiled at the memory. A photo of the two of you from a road trip you had taken together with Jaemin and Jeno the previous summer was displayed in front of him. You were sitting on the wide edge of a stone wall with Renjun directly in front of you. You had your arms draped over his shoulders and your head resting against his. His hands covered yours, holding them together over his chest.

His smile quickly faded as the conversation he had with Jeno played through his head again. ‘...keep on doubting it if you really want to, I won’t stop you.’ He locked his phone and placed it face down in his lap. He fought back tears of frustration. He knew you didn’t have any feelings for him. Right? Or, did he only tell himself that to avoid the heartbreak he believed to be inevitable?

‘...the guys and I know both of you well enough to see things that you both always seem to miss.’ Jeno’s words were causing a frenzy of questions and feelings that quickly overwhelmed Renjun. He did his best to shake everything from his thoughts as the safety instructions sounded throughout the cabin. He focused on the colours in the sky as the plane started lifting off the ground. As the ground disappeared beneath the clouds, he couldn’t help but acknowledge the one, lingering question that always seemed to sit at the back of his mind, “Why won’t you love me?”

Despite Renjun’s protests, Donghyuck insisted on watching a cheesy romcom with him. Renjun tried to drown out the swarm of thoughts that continued circling his mind with the movie but it only made him yearn for you more. A typical story of love at first sight with the cutest and fluffiest meetings, the leads parting ways, but ultimately coming back to each other for a happy ending. Renjun could hardly handle watching such a relationship bloom on the small screen, the ache he was feeling in his heart only got worse with every loving smile the characters shared.

Part of him despised that Jeno had chosen to point out his feelings for you right before a rather long flight. He had nowhere to go, almost no way to escape his own thoughts. The idea of unrequited love was eating away at him with each passing minute. He was frustrated. Frustrated with Donghyuck for picking a movie that mocked him. Frustrated with Jeno for kick starting his overthinking. Frustrated with you for being so incredible and making him fall for you. Most of all, he was frustrated with himself for falling in love with his best friend.

It wasn’t long until he grabbed his ipad to draw. If there was one way he could get his emotions out, it was through art. He peeked out the window and observed the fluffy clouds passing by, illuminated by a soft orange glow from the setting sun. There was his reference. The movie served as background noise as he immersed himself in his craft. His stress poured through his pencil, the overwhelming thoughts were pushed to the back of his mind. The only remaining thoughts he had were about how much he wished you could see the sunset from above the clouds like he was.

As he finished his first sketch, he snapped a quick photo with his phone to send to you once they landed. There you were again. The thought of you alone made his heart flutter and a smile appear on his lips. The feeling in his chest was almost unbearable; he felt like he could explode. Opening a blank canvas, he pulled up a photo of the two of you for reference and started sketching.

Donghyuck had fallen asleep by the time the credits of the movie rolled, so Renjun took the opportunity to choose something else to watch. He threw on an old Disney film and continued his portrait.

The completed piece caused a warm feeling to bubble in Renjuns chest. His colour pallet felt comforting and cozy; like a reflection of how he felt with you. Not wanting to get too caught up in his feelings again, he opened another fresh canvas and turned his attention to the movie. He settled on making his own interpretation of the scene and what the characters were saying, wanting to exercise his skills and creativity.

He created one, and then another, yawning softly with the last couple details. Fatigue had been creeping up on Renjun as the Disney film neared its end. He tucked his ipad back into his small carry-on and pulled the shade over the window. Sleeping for the last hour and a half of the flight wouldn’t hurt. After putting some music on, he shifted into a relatively comfortable sleeping position and began to doze off.

Slight turbulence jolted Renjun awake as the plane began its descent. He gently rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and lifted the blind to peek out the window. The sky was a deep blue and the stars sparkled throughout. The city below was bright with lights as they cascaded closer to the runway. Renjun carefully shook Donghyuck awake, making sure the other boy was prepared for arrival.

Renjun fiddled with the edges of his phone case, waiting for the go-ahead to turn off airplane mode as the plane taxied towards the terminal. When the approval came through the intercom, he was quick to switch it off and text you that they had landed safely.

: Hey, we just landed!

y/nieeee: That’s great!! How was the flight?

: Pretty good

: Watched a few movies with hyuck and did

some drawing

: I slept for the last bit of the flight also

A bright smile found his lips and he selected the photos he took of his creations, skipping over the portrait, and hit send.

y/nieeee: Oooohh can i see ur drawings?

: [3 attachments]

y/nieeee: Ouuuu the sunset one is really

pretty

: Thank youuuuu

:We’re about to start getting off the plane,

wanna vc while we wait for our luggage?

Renjun threw his bag over his shoulder and followed Donghyuck into the aisle. Jeno and Jaemin handed the group their few larger carry-ons from the overhead compartments before Jeno led the way out of the plane. Renjun’s phone vibrated in his hand, a short text from you popping up on the screen, “ready when you are :)” The second they stepped off the plane, Renjun pressed the call button.

grab my earbuds!

You smiled at the sight of your best friend on your phone screen, his brown hair was slightly tousled from sleeping, you assumed. His brown cardigan was draped over his tee-shirt, and his smile was soft but his eyes still sparkled. Even after a 6 hour flight, he somehow still managed to look so handsome. What?

y/nieeee: Sureeee just give me a sec to

“Hey, y/n!” You shook your head slightly to silence your thoughts and laughed when Jisung hopped into frame when he heard Renjun say your name. You waved back with a sweet smile.

“Jun, let Jisungie into frame more, I want to talk to him too!” Jisung moved closer into view when Renjun motioned for him and waved to you excitedly. Renjun repeated your questions to Jisung (due to the fact that only Renjun could hear you through his earbuds) as they walked through the airport.

The other boys moved in and out of frame to say their hellos when they reached the luggage carousel. You rested your chin in your palm as you continued conversing with Renjun.

"How was the rest of your night? What did you get up to after dropping us off?" Renjun moved to lean against a wall, glancing at the carousel for a second before looking back at you. You hummed in thought for a second.

"Hmm, it was good, I guess? I didn't do much really." You fiddled with the cord of your earbuds, threading it between your fingers before elaborating.

"I got bubble tea on the way home and then I just watched a couple movies; just a lazy night."

"Ooh, bubble tea sounds amazing. Maybe I'll convince the guys to get some tomorrow or something." Renjun’s eyes lit up slightly when you giggled.

"That shouldn't be hard at all." You said with a smile. Renjun chuckled and nodded his head.

"Oh totally, they’ll agree in a split second- oh shoot,” His sentence was cut short and his eyes widened when he noticed you yawn softly.

“Isn't it like 1am now??” He furrowed his eyebrows as you checked the little alarm clock on your bedside table, seeing that it was in fact 1 in the morning.

“Yeah, just a little past 1.” Another yawn slipped through your lips as you laid back onto your pillows. You saw Renjun frown slightly and you sent him a tired smile.

“You should get to sleep, we’re going to head to the hotel right away anyway. I can call you again tomorrow!” Just as he said that, Donghyuck came by with Renjun’s suitcase and patted his back, informing him that their ride was outside. The lights outside of the airport contrasted with the night sky behind him.

“Are you sure?” You asked, raising your eyebrows for a second. Renjun nodded as they piled into the van.

“Yes, 100%! Here, say bye to the guys.” When they all got settled into their seats, Renjun held his phone up higher to get everyone in frame and removed his earbuds. You sat up again and waved at the camera.

“Good night everyone, have a good rest!”

The replies were a mess of ‘good night’s, ‘miss you’s, and wishes of sweet dreams. You bid one final farewell to Renjun before hanging up and plugging your phone in. A quiet huff left your lips after tucking yourself under the blanket and laying down, a deep slumber quickly washing over you.

Taglist: @lolibaaae @currentlyraisinghell

a/n: let me know if you want to be part of a tag list ^-^

disclaimer: i will try to update every 1-2 weeks but updates could potentially be stagnant. thank you for understanding :)

[fanartfunart]

Hey, could you give me a few tips on writing dyslexic characters? Sorry if I’m being rude…

Oh no problem!

First things first: not everybody experiences things (like dyslexia) the same, so, there’s things about the individual that will shift how they react and adjust to their dyslexia and just how the dyslexia is itself.

I personally found a lot of ways to make my dyslexia work for me. (And mine tends to get noticeably worse when I’m stressed and/or have been doing a lot of talking.)

A: do some research about the definition of it, just, know the science of it a bit. (you don’t have to be an expert, I mean, I certainly am not, but it does help to have an idea of the various symptoms and how things are treated… and, it’s not a childhood thing, it’s a life-long thing. There’s just ways it gets better/worse in certain times) AND, it’s not always recognized/diagnosed.

B: explore many ways people react to it. I personally tend to laugh about it, but someone else could very possibly just avoid reading/writing, and another person could get frustrated every time they need to read/write/talk and it’s not working.

That said, here’s some general things I experience and others probably do too: (under the cut because I began to ramble.)

Id say the most frustrating things are writing something down, and then feeling like its wrong, but knowing it is right? I cant stop the feeling that it looks wrong. It just does. (the opposite occurs sometimes, but, usually it’s ‘that’s wrong. why is that wrong, it’s not actually wrong??’ (howeVer, usually, you just. can’t tell. it’s ‘…maybe that’s right…. ?’)

Dyslexia effects your ability to differentiate words that sound the same but look different (effect and affect being a very annoying example…. I’ve looked up the differences so often…. it’s also for things that look similar but sound different…. but that’s less common in my experience)

They’ll say words like its read pretty commonly (notably if they learned the word from reading it…which is half my vocab). …and usually not notice unless someone corrects them (which never stops getting embarrassing because “that’s the tenth time i’ve said it like that and been corrected why the frick cant I say it right, how do I keep forgetting?”)

Reading and re-reading and re-reading again. Oh my god it takes me forever to read a paragraph of any book if there’s things that my brain skips, flips or entirely jumbles. It has caused me much test anxiety. (Especially with timed tests…..god I can complain about testing and how terrible it is as a dyslexic individual for a long time)

Left or right? No clue. And the “Make an L shape with your hands and whichever looks like like an L is left” does not work because my brain doesn’t know what a L is supposed to look like. (Ive heard that so often you have no idea.)  HOWEVER the thing I found does work is raising your dominant hand (mine is the right) and going “oh! This must be the right because my dominant hand is on this side!” Is so much easier. (And I almost always say the wrong direction. “I’m gonna go left” “no you need to go right” *points to the right* “yeah exactly.” “You said left!” “Oh….” Is a common conversation)

(on that note I personally feel like im always facing north??? Idk if this is a dyslexia thing or im just weird)

Google and dictionaries are both the enemy and friends when trying to spell words right. (“How am I supposed to find this word when all I know is that it either starts with either a or maybe it was e??”)

Vowels are the worst…they always switch up. (a and e are evil in particular.)

b and d being next. and s and c …and p and q (How I remember is “bed” looks like a bed….. your character may have similar processes to make sure they’re doing it right)

(idk, anywhere you can flip or duplicate or misplace letters when writing, I’ve probably done it.)

Honestly, learning any and all languages is hard. Especially things like accents and spelling.

“I said that backwards” is a pretty common statement (in my vocabulary at least). Just…accidentally switch the subjects or verbs of a sentence and just- wait what. (I’ve also HEAR things all odd sometimes… like, It takes me a second to process some sentences because they sound backward and weird to me. sometimes I just wait to answer a question as my brain catches up, but sometimes I just go ‘did you just say ‘nonsense that kinda follows the same length/key sounds as what you actually said but is still nonsense, but I didn’t catch that’)

I ended up in those remedial classes in elementary? where they pull you out of class and give you minute-tests and feed you sweets because you’re a stressed out child because you feel dumb in comparison to your peers. and that’s all I remember about it.

IDK man, elementary was pretty much a series of me taking longer than everyone else on literally everything and then worrying about it. (then I went to online school and my life was improved by 100%) ((this might just be me but I was kinda always split between trying to focus on reading and listening to people and I never actually was able to focus on either properly and so I never properly absorbed the information?…feels like a dyslexia thing now that I think about it))

Cursive and calligraphy is actually…really nice? ….Yea idk. I was obsessed with cursive when I started to learn it.

Vague directions/questions are TERRIBLE. Like, its 10 times worse when I’m nervous or embarrassed or tired, but I’ve stumbled trying to properly figure out the thing I’m missing from people’s statements that they’ve assumed was clear. (like, “Look at the red dot” “I don’t see a dot?” “uh, right there?? right in front of you?” “I wasn’t LOoooking there. I thought this was a ‘find the red dot’ thing not a ‘just look straight ahead’ thing.”)

Oh and I like puns because it’s like being dyslexic on purpose! >w

OK wow…. I hope that….kinda helped? IDK? (I probably haven’t even touched on everything, but that’s all I can think of right now.)

TDLR:

I’d say just be aware of where it COULD be a problem, but, overall, your character won’t be stumbling over words ALL DAY.  They’ll have developed ways around it, even if they haven’t been diagnosed or if they never got help.

AND, there’s different forms and degrees of dyslexia…. mines pretty mild honestly, again, most of my issues are exasperated when I’m tired/nervous (and noticeable dyslexia habits kinda makes me embarrassed and nervous which kinda feeds into itself.) Some people’s dyslexia is most noticeable w/ written word, others are more auditory/vocal. It all depends. ^w^