#i hink i mighy b sick

[amerasdreams]

My sisters have a beautiful house.

I live at my parenrs

My sisters have a job which more than pays the bills

I have less than $1000/month and that was before covid decimated most of my "income"

My sisters have a husband/fiance.

I have never dated.

1 sister has so much money she didn't even get the stimulus check this year. She has a 2019 car with fancy screens on the inside. Mine is 10 years old and it has . . Um heated seats wow.

My sisters are 4 and 9 years younger than me.

A loser link this can never catch up with the real world enough to be successful enough to even earn enough of a living to have a dumpy apartment in a bad side of town . They have actual houses. 1 has 2 dogs, 1 has a dog and a 10 year old. I am still basically a kid even tho I'm holder and have nothing but a small room in the upstairs with too many books and an old TV my sister gave me, not even flat-screen. What even is this, susrt room with boxes in the corners and a silly closet with silly dreams of a "business" in it ans books overflowing the tottering shelves and tons of rocks and shells i mean what even is that. What kind of weird hermit is this, how could it possibly turn into anything anyone wanted . So far from what most people have as reality most can't even relate. I mean who in their 30s hasn't dated. Hasn't had friends for 12 years. I mean technically every life has value or whatever but practically what kind of value does this life have o myself or others. Can't even do what I love the most, that I practiced the most, probably partly bc I have no life experience. No foundation for anything. No innate talents, cant even succeed at things I've practiced most of my life. No one reads my stories. If they do nor enough to be moved by them. I make silly little crafts I naively think will make me enough money on the side of pet sitting. I think j can make a pet bakery lol. Pet sitting is as complicated a business as I can handle. Who am I kidding. An extremely sensitive extreme introvert like this isn't going any place special. Idk how I cannot hate myself and hate my life bc it can never and never does get further than this no matter what I do. I try with writing, I try to figure out what kind of entrepreneur job I could do, for hours and years... never get anywhere with it, idk how to get anything off the ground and I start something , doesn't seem quite right, then try another thing, find out that isnt really what I thought after trying it etc etc ad infinitum. Help. I toy with going back to school but it would put me in debt with no guarantee I could pay it back. Bc I want to be a freelance intelligence analyst lol. As if. Silly ambitions. . I want a farm but ill be lucky if I can ever buy my own house like my sisters have already. I know rhey despise me, I mean who wouldn't? Makes me want to crawl even deeper into the shadows ans never come out, never let tr light of day touch my dry, oily, acne scarred face and half red, half brown ans silver hair yikes. I mean. I don't blame people on the street who don't even want to look at me.

Boom