#i heard the one guy say that science shouldnt be conducted just for knowledge like there needs to be practical applications

[oflgtfol]

I feel like people in the astronomy program are so much more laid back than the physics program plus the gender imbalance isnt quite as intense. now that im taking basically all my physics minor courses in one semester, im in upper level courses that pretty much ONLY physics majors are taking, and the entire vibe is so… different …

which is. maybe also why im doubting whether im cut out for academia. because these people are so fucking competitive and just. idk. idk how to explain it

so obviously i have a deep passion and love for science and especially astronomy. to the point where it spills beyond my academic life and into my personal life, to where i gush about it in my free time on my personal blog, to where most of my hobbies and interests are at least tangentially related to it, etc. i am always down to talk about astronomy. BUT I STILL HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF IT!!! when i hang out w friends i met in my classes we talk about things other than academics! we have actual fun!!

but these guys in these physics courses. all they fucking talk about is physics. and not in an awkward nerd way. it just comes across as weirdly like… idk. superior? like theyre trying to sound smart and better than you. like every single conversation is a test of your knowledge. it really takes away from the sense of camaraderie that i enjoy in academic settings and it turns even just basic casual conversation into a competition. add on the fact that theres like, four women in these classes, of which i am one of them, in a class of total like 25 people, it’s just. it creates such an unwelcoming atmosphere

and i just. in previous years i saw the gender imbalance statistics and i was filled with spite to do my small little part to go against it. but this past year has been hell for me mentally. i literally havent felt a single emotion beyond like, all encompassing defeat and exhaustion, so i frankly just cannot gather the will to even feel spite at all, nevermind enough to be my sole motivator for continuing on. and i know grad school must only get worse with this stuff. and i mean yeah as i said, astronomy is a lot better, not so much with the gender ratio (the ratio is slightly better), but the overall attitude is so much more lighter. but again like i just. i know grad school is super competitive i dont even know if i can handle that nevermind the workload of school itself. nevermind the overall work culture of that kind of competition

its still my absolute dream to spend the rest of my life doing formal astro research but with the current state of things its just. i dotn know if im cut out for it with all this, nevermind the fucking financials of it, like i hate competition i just want to do a job and contribute to the field, but in order to make money to survive at all i need to fight tooth and nail for grants and its just. its exhausting. is that really how i wanna spend the rest of my life. Why must these things exist why cant i just do research