#i havent written in forever so that line is old

[starrspice]

LAST LINE CHALLENGE

RULES:

In a new post, show the last line you wrote (or drew) and tag as many people as there are words (or however many as you like).

Tagged By @suokumi thank you Suo!

Last Line:

So how were you supposed to deal with a rather grouchy alien whose social behaviors was probably very different then your human ones?

Last Drawing: A character concept for my oc story I've been slowly building for years (U.F.O.S.)

No pressure tags :

@paper-lilypie @spaciebabie @robinette-green

[agnimybeloved]

regarding that last post... not that black butler's canon has to be uplifting or have dadbastian or a happy ending to be "good" (i'm actually partial to tragedies especially the cyclical kind and would love for the series to straight up end with despair and the collection on the contract lol) but i do think that toboso's largely fumbled the found-family/interpersonal,/introspective aspects of her story and sacrificed a lot of narrative and thematic meat there for low-brow and off-putting comedy.... which is really exactly all she does with ciel's trauma as well-- shallowly using it for the purposes of trauma porn and/or comedy/inappropriate fanservice.

ciel only seems to have reasonable responses to his trauma when its aesthetically convenient if that makes sense. i honestly could go as far as to say that she depicts his trauma fetishistically-- every instance i can recall of ciel having an extreme traumatic response (i.e. vomiting, flashbacks, psychosis) is represented with (imo but honestly.... i'd be shocked if this wasn't intentional...) sexual undertones. his episode during the green witch arc doesn't have one of these moments within the episode itself as far as i can recall, but certainly i think the preceding/inciting medical emergency that forces him and sebastian to bathe together contributes to the reoccurring sexualization of "sickness" (physical & psychological).

not to mention ciel's subsequent episode is treated as the dramatic peak of his ptsd and something that he "overcomes" through sheer force of will (and the threats of sebastian... neither of which are a proper/reasonable way to handle such an extreme trauma response) and doesn't really battle going forward in the story. of course a lot of stories take this "one dramatic moment and then its fixed" approach to representing mental illness, and it makes narrative sense for toboso to want to more or less settle that thread to gear up for the important blue cult arc, but i think toboso's handling of mental illness in general goes so far beyond suspension of disbelief and tastelessness that i think she should lowkey be brained for it. the way she intermittently writes ciel's traumatic experiences as something horrifying and wrong and to be given sympathy meanwhile relentlessly putting ciel in inappropriate fanservice situations that diminish the severity of csa & pedophilia as well as disrespect the complexities of trauma and turn them into comedy... mind boggling...

overall though i think that black butler shows a real mastery of narrative arcs while falling short in terms of character arcs. most of the time these arcs are shown in retrospect with the addition of new backstory, but it feels as if the characters in present have barely grown at all... not that every story has to be character driven and a static character type makes sense for someone like sebastian, but for all that ciel is a unique and mature thirteen year old due to the circumstances of his life, he is still a thirteen year old, and one that has experienced a significant trauma quite recently at that. not allowing him coming of age-esque character arcs considering all that sort of breaks the believability of his character imo.

but i think that coattails does a lot in staying loyal to ciel's character and experiences while also respecting his trauma and bringing the depth and flexibility of adolescence to his worldview and actions that toboso unfortunately seems disinterested in. i love that aforementioned chapter of coattails and its sentiments especially with how it reexamines ciel's actions at kelvin's manor and the worldview that lead to burning it down with the children inside... not that it was an out of character decision for ciel in the moment, but i think it established a lot more severe facts about his character and worldview than toboso is willing to address in her writing and therefore feels unresolved. coattails' remedy to that awkwardness by coming full circle is so intriguing and fulfilling in contrast... it shows how adolescence and trauma can work together to so completely convince one of hopelessness and yet how just a bit of hope can change that worldview entirely. literally just the honest love of a random dog and the mundane care of a guardian... there is a cure and it is this..... what da helllll....

[softpascalito]

javier peña x f!dea!reader - we got your back.

Summary: You work as a new DEA agent alongside Peña and Murphy. A not-so-kind colleague reveals more about you than you would like. Protectiveness and fluff ensues.

aka

my friend wrote me some hurt/comfort headcanons and i turned them into a small something :)

Relationships: Javier Peña x FemReader (can be read as romantic or platonic)

WC: ~4200

Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mention of Canon-Typical Violence, No beta we die like Colonel Carrillo, Family Issues, They arent specified but reader is implied to be from a dysfunctional family, Steve is here too

AO3 LINK // PART 2 // PART 3 (on tumblr)

Notes:

hello!

there is a mention of the readers dysfunctional family in this story. if you relate to that in any way, please always remember that you are worthy of healthy love. it exists. seek help or advice if you need it. toxic environments arent forever. if you need to talk, my inbox is always open.

i havent written anything in a while and english is not my first language so please be kind and leave a comment if you like it <3 _______________________________

Chapter 1

You had been in Bogotá for less than three months and while the past weeks had been filled with too little sleep, too much coffee and the daily fear of being targeted by a sicario , you had developed somewhat of a routine in the new environment. This was in large parts due to work at the Embassy. With Bogotá traffic being, well, Bogotá traffic, there'd been several days where you'd just bunked down on your office floor instead of going home to your bed which eventually had led to both Javier and Steve and now you always keeping a spare pillow and blanket around the office to make it slightly more comfortable. The most homey part about the Embassy however, were the people. Not just the two agents you were assigned to assist, hell, not even just the DEA department. Everyone helped each other out wherever they could. Being a gringo in Colombia with a drug lord promising a nice sum of money for your head was impossible to bear by yourself. And only almost impossible to bear with a bunch of people who were in the same position as you. You got along with almost everyone at the embassy. Almost everyone . The harsh contrast to your other, kind colleagues was a DEA secretary: Raquel Vázquez. She had been throwing obstacles and hateful glances your way as soon as you had arrived. You weren't even sure why she hated you so much. She was the wife of another agent and as spouses were not allowed to work anywhere but the embassy, she was stuck with her desk job, spending the day signing off letters, faxing intel to Washington and her favorite pass-time: taunt you for whatever she could come up with. “Hey, are you even listening?” Steve is crouched down in front of your desk and waving his hand through your line of sight, trying to grab your attention. Almost immediately there is a dramatic, loud sigh from the other side of the room:” How do you expect her to function on a job like this if she can't even manage to function within her own family?” Raquel snaps before rolling her eyes and pretending to look at the documents in front of her. Your head practically whips around as your brain processes what she just said. How the hell does that bitch know about your family situation? “I- I need to get a refill,” you mumble as you get up abruptly and grab your coffee mug, your old chair screeching as it is pushed back. Suddenly you're feeling a lot smaller as you navigate your way through the desks and flee to the small kitchen down the hall. You almost collide with Javier, who is just getting back from a meeting. You squeeze past him, not even giving him a chance to tease you. If one more person gets on your nerves, you are surely going to cry and you do not need that in front of your colleagues. Least of all in front of Raquel.

“Is everything alright with her?” Javier asks as he walks over to Steve, who is still kneeling in front of your desk and staring at the doorway you just left through. He slowly stands up and turns his attention towards the secretary, casually leaning over your now abandoned desk with crossed arms as his angry gaze bores into Raquel's skull. His eyes not leaving her, he turns towards Javi:” Do you know Y/N's family?” He asks bluntly. Javier seems somewhat taken aback by the question. He ponders for a few moments, his furrowed eyebrows forming a deep line on his forehead as he slowly shakes his head:'' I don't think she's ever mentioned them. Didn't come up. Why?” Steve's gaze is still on the secretary, knowing that she is listening in to every and each of their words:” Raquel mentioned them.” He raises his voice slightly:” How did you put it? Dysfunctional ?” Javi clenches his jaw as he turns to the woman as well. With a few quick strides, he approaches her desk and almost slams his hands down on it.

“Señora Vázquez.” His voice is barely more than an angry, deep grumble. The woman jumps slightly as she looks up at him as he towers over her. Before she can even open her mouth, he continues:” Don't you think the higher ups would be interested in the fact that you prioritize the private life of your coworkers over your actual work?” At the implication of his words, a panicked look appears on Raquel's features:” I don't know what you're talking about.” Giving her a warning look, Javier turns on his heels and follows you, muttering a “gonorrea de fea” under his breath.

You are standing in the small kitchen space, your elbows resting on the counter as you hold your head in your hands. The empty cup that had served as your makeshift alibi is standing next to you, forgotten. You hear the footsteps just in time to scramble back up and clutch the empty mug in your hands as you try and put on a nonchalant face. Judging by the way Javier is looking at you, you're not doing a very good job. He has been leaning against the doorframe and is now slowly stepping towards you:” I didn't mean to startle you.” You notice he has activated what Steve and you always call his “puppy face”. There is a softness in his brown eyes that you know is reserved for those closest to him as he leans against the counter next to you. “I- It's fine I just …” You stumble over your own words, too upset to find a quick excuse for your behavior and lie to him. The truth is, you're not entirely sure you want to lie to him. Not when he is standing so close to you, looking at you with that stupid, heart-melting look in his eyes. “I heard about what happened,” Javi interrupts your rather unsuccessful attempt at explaining yourself. So whatever excuse you have ready, I don't need to hear it.

He gently reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear before stepping closer and taking the empty mug out of your hands. He notices that it's empty. He doesn't mention it. Instead, he reaches around you to place it on the counter before gently pulling you into his embrace. Javier isn't really a hugging person. Hell, you aren't either. But he holds you close, gently stroking your back and you feel whatever resolve you had left about allowing him to comfort you evaporating into thin air.

“You know Steve and I always got your back, right?” He mumbles, his voice low. You can feel his lips on your forehead as he ever so gently places a small kiss on it. You know he is expecting an answer but you feel as if opening your mouth will also open the floodgates so you simply nod your head. He sighs softly:” Good, good. I also want you to know that if you need someone, you can come to me anytime. Day, night, fucking lunchbreak, I dont care.”

Leaning back just enough so he can see you, Javi gently lifts your chin up with his hand, forcing you to lock eyes with him to make sure you can see that he actually means his words.

“I'm here for you, cariño and I'm not going anywhere, okay?”

“Yeah,” you manage to breathe out, your heart bursting with love and appreciation for the man in front of you. Smiling, satisfied, Javier presses another small kiss to your temple before letting go of you to pour you a new coffee. He adds a large splash of milk, just as you like it and insists on carrying it back to your desk for you. As you make your way through the hallway, just before you walk through the large door that leads into the DEA office, he stops in his tracks, turning to you with a smirk on his face.

“You also know that I'll put everything into getting Raquel fired if she ever bothers you again, don't you?” A laugh escapes you before you can help it and you gently nudge him to go on:” Im counting on it.”

You could swear it's the biggest grin you've ever seen on his face. _________________________________

thank you for reading, you lovely people. and a huge thank you to my friend hannah who wrote me the headcanons that i made into this small story. she is the true genius behind it and an absolutely amazing person, ily <3 comments or feedback are always very appreciated and truly make my day <3

[riaki]

RIKOOOOO HI HELLO i saw ur wip game and now im breaking in to ask abt (u already know 😭😭) two tickets, please & his nails are painted coffee…. AND AND bestfriend’s sister too … if it’s ok…. IM SO CURIOUS im gonna devour these riko >:33

HI ARI 😽😽 not u breaking in i’m scared 😭 putting u n @mossmurdock ‘s asks together :3

ok!!! first the makima fic..

the first thing you notice when you enter the cinema lobby is that it’s practically deserted.

it’s like a ghost town, except the tumbleweeds are empty popcorn bags stained with grease, and the cacti are the railing banisters that fail to be organized in a way that suggests there’s ever a coherent line for tickets. it smells of cleaning products that failed to do their job and the tacky perfumes teenagers like to spray, and a little bit of mold. the whole feel of it is unnerving; it’s almost like a liminal space, with empty corridors that seem to stretch on forever, following the ebb and flow of the wave pattern on the carpets littered with stray candy wrappers and paper straws.

really, it’s a dump.

the second thing you notice when you enter the cinema lobby is the lady standing at the entrance to the hallway which contains all the theaters; she’s looking at a poster. something sci-fi ish; a little too gory for your taste, with a grim-looking doctor holding a bloody syringe that’s far too big to be in proportion. it’s a funny contrast; the girl has pretty orange hair that looks like it’d turn a deep shade of gentle auburn with age, like the leaves on the trees when autumn paints the world gold and red. it’s done in a neat little braid; the plaits are slightly messy, but you can tell she’s put effort into making them look presentable. even though you can’t see her face, you know it suits her. she looks like she’d be one of those petite, delicate girls, like a fragile flower. yet, she seems entranced by such a tacky poster.

is that strange?

i don’t have much written bc i’m still apprehensive about writing makima… she seems like such a challenge i’m not ready for 😭😭 but i will try my best for u two >:3 these are all also kinda old so the writing style might be inconsistent

the coffee shop sugu fic next!!!

you sidle up to the counter, next to the girl who’s eyeing her drink with absolute distaste, nose winkled in disgust. you wonder if he accidentally gave her black coffee. but you can barely bring yourself to care when it’s your turn to place your order— standing in front of the counter, fiddling with the ring on your finger as you find your eyes drifting over every corner of his face; the dark gauges on his ears, the gentle smile that has his soft lips curving upward so gently they make you feel like you’re the sweetest thing in the world to him.

“hey there. what can i get you?” he asks. his voice is smooth; it sounds like he could be the lead singer in an indie band. at that thought, your gaze drifts to his fingers, watching as they drum over the marble countertop.

you look up at his face again when you give him your order, listing it off like muscle memory as the other half of your brain works double time to memorize his face, and you curse whoever decided not to give the employees nametags, inadvertently condemning you to work up the courage to ask this pretty vulpine coffee boy his name.

this is SO OLD. i highly doubt i’ll be able to finish it but if u like it ari i’ll try :’3

bestfriends sister is for an ask i got a while ago so i havent rlly been writing for it….

”do you smoke with shoko a lot?” you asked quietly, watching as his thumb runs over the lighter’s wheel. he flicks it a few times, scraping and scraping ‘til a fire finally blooms, a bright phoenix stuck in a cage of gasoline and metal.

“sometimes. she got me into it.” suguru answers, taking a deep drag. his adam’s apple bobs in his throat, ever so slightly. for a moment, you wonder what it’d be like to sink your teeth into it and watch him bleed red like a pomegranate in a vampire’s jaws.

“she told me you don’t like seeing her do it, though. so neither of us do it as often.”

oh.

yeah… idk what i’m going to do with this one but whatever i’ll figure it out 🤞

[thekuraning]

Fic ask

4, 13, 20!

HELLO MY FAVORITE PROFESSOR ELM STAN THANK U FOR THE MEMES!!! hey actually these are all ones i havent thought about so made me put on my THINKIN CAP. and hey actually actually this got really long really fast so im PUTTING IT UNDER A READ MORE!!!

4. a story idea you haven't written yet

Ok so like. I've got these two ideas kicking around in my head from time to time that I'm like. Still kind of workshopping. One is a fanfic and one is an original fic. But basically I've had in my head since forever (10 years of Big Thinking) about a big Digimon sort of odyssey that originally started as a Pokemon x Digimon crossover where I took the Rocket executives and shoved them into the digital world. I have a whole world built for it already and a central sort of issue/theme revolving around a power struggle between the Demon Lords and the Royal Knights. The Royal Knights control HUB City, which is the major settlement in the continent, the Demon Lords control the Dark Lands, and kind of like usual they all want to wipe each other out. There's eventually a viral sort of glitch that starts to deteriorate the digital world and jumps to the real world.

Part of my problem is I've wanted to make it a comic or at the very least an illustrated fic and part of the problem is I'm trying to decide if I want to keep it as a crossover or just slap some new names onto the execs bc i gotta be real, the pokemon world and other pokemon characters. do not feature. at all.

its really just an excuse for me to give petrel a digimon.

anyways they all have full evolution lines planned, i've got a few major story beats, plot points, and the major final twist decided on. i also have 5 amvs that i play in my head on a loop when i drive to and from work.

also in this fic some digimon are gay (stingmon and flamedramon makeout sessions when) and trans (crusadermon, trans queen) ive decided

i think ive posted old art before extending the au to some characters and for my perfworld mutuals if youve seen my sycamore + dukemon art before that specific dukemon is also from this au. ive also got a fic i did publish where i workshopped a little bit of HUB city & a few side characters

i am now realizing i meant to also talk about the original fic i have planned and that one is a short story about a serial killer who murders hitchhikers picking up a hitchhiking serial killer and that one is less planned out but i know they sloppy kiss in the end

13. a fandom you're thinking about writing for

so like besides pokemon and tiger & bunny & digimon there's none i actively have fic ideas for, but some fandoms I think I'd like to revisit are Sonic and Zelda. Actually I had a Zelda fic I abandoned back on FFNet that I'd like to take another crack at one day where the premise was it was a modern setting based on the OOT/TP Hyrule (mostly OOT) where magic and fairies and such are regarded as superstition sort of the same way they are now, and the wondrous races (Goron, Zora, Kokiri/Korok, etc. even the Sheika to some extent) had all died out, leaving pretty much just the human races like Hylian, Terminian, Gerudo, etc. (In this case Termina is legitimately a neighboring kingdom/country and not limbo/purgatory ok??) And the kicker was Link was like. a hardcore atheist. but i think i remember people getting mad at me bc i made his legal name "Mahas" which I MUST IMPLORE YOU. THIS IS CANONICALLY HIS NAME AS OF SKYWARD SWORD. BELIEVE IT OR NOT THERE WAS AN ATTEMPT TO BUILD A PSEUDO LANGUAGE IN SKYWARD SWORD. WE KNOW HIS NAME IS MAHAS BECAUSE IN THE BEGINNING WHEN FI IS JUST CALLING HIM LINK AND NOT MASTER LINK HER VOICE LINES ARE EVER ONLY MAHAS. ONCE SHE BEGINS CALLING HIM MASTER LINK ANY TIME IT APPEARS ON SCREEN SHE SAYS "MAARI MAHAS." SO IM RIGHT OK FUCK OFF IM RIGHT. DIE MAD FFNET. DIE. MAD.

ahem.

im normal now.

anyways yeah i'd like to write for elder scrolls again too i think but like. something more original than the supernatural/TESIV Oblivion retelling crossover i tried once.

You can find that one on my ao3 but im not linking it.

20. in what year did you publish your first fic?

In the year of our lord 2005 (pensive emoji)(raised fist emoji) I published a... fic of some kind to FFNet.

You won't find it anymore, I deleted it a long time ago! I'm not sure if it was 'Rocket Road Trip' or 'The Rebellion,' but it was one of those. I used to write a ton of OC team rocket fics, and this was back in the day when the Rocket Executives had no name so you either thought there was 1 guy exec and 1 girl exec or you thought each exec encounter in GSC was a different person, and that was me. So I gave them all names and threw them into a truck together and i think in the very first chapter they were leaving the Team Rocket HQ and they ran over and left to die the OC who would later go on to be repurposed into Proton except his name was Steve then and he was a special classification of trainer class that I called a "Random Rocket," and the thing about Random Rockets was they all had very generic names (Steve, Bob, Juan, I think there was a Nancy once but she never got to show up in a fic or rp?) but the OTHER thing about Random Rockets was no one knew what they looked like because canonically their faces were all censored with a big ass mosaic effect (this was written, not draw.)

anyways farla cussed me out on 3 or 4 different fics back when she used to cuss out literal children so I deleted all my fics from 2005 - 2008 and then I deleted more of them when I went to college.

don't be like farla.

edit: self-plugging my old FFNet account for the lulz. yes it is i, the original author of Slowpoke Tails and Koffing Fumes.

[opiumvampire]

ok so @rustinged tagged me in this game and i havent done one of these in Forever so im very enthused. Thank you M you wonderful green bug

relationship status: @funeralfreak <-puppetmaster who cursed my dick

favorite color: purple

favorite food: sushi or pasta ^_^

song stuck in your head right now: whatever song joefferry was playing in the car just now idk what its called

time: 3:31 pm

dream trip: I want to go to Savannah again really really bad

last book i read: The Poison Thread by Laura Purcell. Victorian gothic horror, very gory, did have to stop the audiobook once while i was driving bc a cop was behind me and the book was too engrossing atm for me to drive responsibly.

last book i enjoyed reading: I reread The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Kiersten White bc I wasnt sure if I’d still like it but I did. Very self indulgent and the ending is silly but I enjoy her.

last book i hated reading: A Lesson in Vengeance by Victoria Lee. Ive been annoyed by a few books since this one but this was the only one I rated one star. Every single character was insufferable and the entire book was a slog. DEATH to all of them

next book in line: Weird Women, which is a collection of horror stories written by women between the 1850s and 1920s I think.

favorite thing to cook/bake: every st patricks day i make soda bread using this recipe my family’s been using since Cork and i’ll pass it all out to my friends and it so good :)

fave plant/flower found at my childhood home: the easter lily in the front yard of my parent’s old house that we buried my cat under. i also really like Spanish Moss

im not going to tag anybody bc it makes me feel like im trying to sell people Mary Kay but do it if you want to :P

[bxthharmon]

Through the Ages || JJ Maybank x Routledge!Reader

Words: 1870

Warnings: Super toxic relationship, underage drinking, smoking, weed

Summary: The development of your relationship with JJ, from when your first met aged eight to adult life, MAJOR ANGST

A/N: okay i know i havent written anything in WEEKS but im watching obx and im obsessed... i really wasn’t expecting this to take such a dark turn?? contact me if you wanna request anything or make friends :)

masterlist

8 years

You’re eight and when you meet John in front of the school to walk home, he has a friend. You know your brother’s friends - most of them, at least - but this boy is new. He is tanned and blonde and tall for his age, and a girl in your class had told you about how he’s always getting into small playground scraps. You eye each other warily on the way home, your brother between you, oblivious to the hostility. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t like him - how could you dislike someone you knew nothing about? - it was that John had promised to stop bringing his friends on the way home, because he would end up ignoring you, and now there was a friend walking with them. 

When the boy finally leaves, John looks at you as if he forgot you were there. You watch as the boy goes through the front door, catching a glimpse of a dark, cluttered house. You wonder where his parents are. 

John coaxes you into a race - who can get home first - and he wins. He always wins. A year older, stronger, faster. Your dad greets you, asking about your days, and laughing as you complain about how John ignored you on the way home.

The next week, the boy walks with you again. His name is JJ, and he’s funny. He gives you a twinkie as a peace offering, saying that he wants to walk with you and John from now on. You shrugged, and took the twinkie, telling him it was for the food, and only the food.

11 years

You’re eleven, in your first year of middle school, and you and John ride home from school everyday on your bikes. On the days when you’re not surfing or hanging out with friends, you cycle home with John, JJ and a new member of the gang, Pope. You and JJ, while still at a twinkie-incited truce, are growing more competitive and show-offish around each other. You race your bikes to his, and if you stop at the corner store on the way home, you see who can chug their cola faster. John fights with you when you get home because they’re “his friends, not yours!”

You have your own friends, and sometimes you cross with your brother’s friends in town, sass thrown between the groups like a tennis rally, the twinkie-truce fading into the past. You can’t stand the tall blonde surfer, but you can’t wait to argue with him on your way home from school.

14 years

You’re fourteen, and after a year long break from your brother’s friends, you’re, once again, at the same school. You’ve changed, filled out more over the last year, puberty having hit you like a tonne of bricks since you last hung out. The three pogues now have one female friend, Kiara, and you become fast friends. You can tell your brother has a thing for her, and you wonder if he’ll ever bring her home to meet your dad. 

JJ sees you differently now. You seem less like the eight year old he met six years ago, but you’re still very much yourself. He pulls your ponytail as you pass him in the hallways at school, and you flip him off in return. You sometimes go to the same parties, and your drinking races have switched from cola to beer. John hates you being at parties, claiming your too young to drink or party, as if he wasn’t the year before. John can see how JJ looks at you, and he hates it. He hates seeing how guys look at you now, how they flirt, hit on and catcall his baby sister. He also hates how in your efforts to compete with JJ, you get into fights and run your mouth. He hates how JJ shows off around you, and vice versa. 

Despite his frustrations with JJ, he’s also the only guy who’ll stand up for you when you or John can’t do it yourselves. He hopes you don’t grow up too quickly, and he knows that his friends will always have your back, so he’s not worried. 

15 years

You’re fifteen, and you go to a kegger for the first time. You get drunk quickly, flirting with too many guys and giggling at every little thing. You share a blunt with JJ, and the pair of you practically piss yourselves with laughter when John tries to reprimand you. The night is fun, and you can’t wait for the next one. 

The next one is much worse. You’re one or two drinks in when you see JJ flirting with a touron. In retrospect, that’s probably when you first noticed your feelings, but at the time you have no idea why you’re so angry about it. By the end of the night, you’ve had half a bottle of vodka and two spliffs, and you’re way far gone. You might even have blacked out - but all you remember is the pure rage, and how you spent ten minutes throwing up by the front porch when you got home. 

You saw JJ the next day, and you’re both hungover. He checks on you, and neither of you really understand why you’re so cold towards him, but he leaves pretty quickly.

You cry that night.

16 years

You’re sixteen, and your dad is missing. You lost all your friends when you fell into a depression after it. Nine months later, and you feel happy again. You’re the final member of pogue crew, and you spend the summer surfing and swimming and settle into the routine of summer. You surf first thing in the morning, as dawn breaks, often with JJ, competing over who’s a better surfer (he is). You spend your afternoons on the HMS Pogue, competing with JJ over who’s the better swimmer (you are). The group of you drink and smoke and live your best lives. On the days where you’re not on the boat, you work. 

You know you love JJ, and you flirt constantly. He kisses you at a kegger, barely twenty minutes before he pulls the gun on Topper. You have your first serious argument that night, and it ends with him kissing you.

You wear your heart on your sleeve, and assure him you love him. He doesn’t say it back, but he shows it. You learn about his Dad and his work and how he learnt to surf. You sneak around, and, miraculously, don’t get caught. 

16 ½ years

You’re sixteen and a half when John and Sarah go missing. Kie and Pope try to help, but you don’t pay them any attention. You and JJ struggle, with yourselves, each other, and your relationship. You’re on the rocks, you’re up against the wall. You don’t think you’ll last, and you fight constantly.

Your relationship is toxic, taking your own angers out on each other, fighting and screaming in each others faces only to make up for a honeymoon period that lasts a week, max, and the cycle repeats. You’re both miserable. 

17 years

You’re seventeen, and he breaks up with you. You were too alike - both too impulsive, angry, broken for it to ever work. You apply to out-of state colleges, hoping to escape the islands you used to love.

You wait for an acceptance letter, and watch as the people you call family try to rebuild their lives.

18 years

You’re eighteen, and you get the letter. UCLA, on the other side of the country. You say your goodbyes to Kie and Pope, and eventually, JJ.

He looks broken, when you tell him. He asks you what you’d do if John came back and you weren’t around, but you had resigned yourself to John’s death long ago. You fight one last time. You fuck one last time. You love one last time.

You wonder if you’ll ever return.

22 years

You’re twenty two, and you’ve got a degree. You fly home the day after graduation, and everything has changed.

Kie runs the Wreck now, and she gives you a free meal and you talk for hours when you first arrive. She invited you to her and Pope’s place. 

They have a nice place. Not on Figure Eight, but on that side of the island - Pope’s got a high earning job in marine biology research. They’re happy.

You smoke a blunt with Pope, for old time’s sake. He tells you to see JJ, and gives you a slip of paper with the address. You don’t know if you want to throw it into the ocean or treasure it forever. You do neither.

It takes you a week to psych yourself up to it, and then you knock on his door.

His house is small, but not tiny, not like his childhood home. He welcomes you in, a light in his eyes you hadn’t seen in years. He sits you down at the dinner table, and you take in the pictures on the mantel shelf, and the mementos stuck to the fridge. 

You see the ring on his finger.

You enter a state of stasis. You were sure he was it for you, but the circumstances were wrong and you were too immature. Right person, wrong time, or something along those lines. No, apparently not. He moved on, he built a life without you, a happier, healthier life.

His wife is lovely, everything you’re not. She’s patient and kind and soft-spoken, the opposite to him, bringing balance. She stabilises him, and gives him what he needs.

You think of how you would argue with him, the screaming, shouting, throwing plates and vases. Your love was so naive, but so passionate. Everything that happened while you were together, everything that went wrong, happened because your tempers and stubborn natures and impulsivity was destructive.

You fly back to California a week later. 

You sit on the plane and reminisce. The night you and JJ broke up, the house got wrecked. You had been standing inches apart, but screaming at the top of your lungs. You had lost your temper and overturned a table, smashing all the crockery left on it. He had thrown a vase at the wall, and you had fought until your voices broke and you were too tired and sore to keep throwing shit at walls and each other. You had sat next to each other, leaning on the wall by the front door, an uncharacteristic calm washing over you. 

You had looked at him, heart aching, and told him that you needed to split up. He had nodded, and eventually, the pair of you had drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a world where you could be together without all the hate in the way.

When you woke up in the morning, he was gone, but the mess had stayed. You had had to tiptoe over thousands of shards of broken crockery and glass to get to your room, a reminder of how you were destined to self-destruct. 

You watched out the window as the plane landed, and vowed never to return again. 

Outer Banks was no longer your home.

[myriadimagines]

End Of The Year Faves 2020!

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 8 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work!

i was tagged by the lovely @lxncelot & @musicallisto !!!

i’ve only written 10 one shots this year since i stopped taking requests rip. i only ended up picking 5 of them bc i didnt like the rest. also i love talking about the behind the scenes of writing like its just so fun. i literally went through my revision history in my google docs to see how i wrote these akjsdhasjd so literally........... if anyone wants to talk to me about a piece........... just shoot me an ask bc i will gladly tell u all about it

1. Lifetimes (Sebastien le Livre) 

this might be my number one bc it’s the most recent and i havent decided i hate it yet but wrote this as an alternative to therapy lmfaooooooo and it’s been a month but um. it still hurts. but anyway, i started off with the below paragraph:

And Booker has centuries of pain under his belt. Endless years of trauma that he cannot even begin to unpack. But you don’t have centuries. You don’t have lifetimes to reconcile with all the cruelty in the world  —  you just have one, and Booker knows he of all people should know just how much hurt one lifetime can contain.

and just worked around it, bc i was just really obsessed with the concept of having multiple lifetimes and all that, and just the fact that life has so much pain and hurt and it just sucks. i edited the first sentence for the final but otherwise it’s the same. i think i came up with some pretty good lines in this if i do say so myself, and i mentioned it in the a/n, but i intended for it to be longer but didn’t want to push it after i feel like i had written all i wanted to. i just wanted someone to hold me and comfort me clearly. 

2. Cursed Blood (Renfri)

i am obsessed with renfri as a character and her whole story, and the whole concept of her being cursed just felt like something that i really wanted to explore and write about. these were the first lines i wrote for the piece:

But every time you kiss her, you swear that it’s impossible her lips could be poison. Or perhaps you grew so used it, that the poison tasted sweet. 

i ended up editing this a lot for the final version, but a trend in my writing seems to be i always come up with how to end a piece and just work around it. i really enjoyed going into depth into renfri’s character and it kinda felt more like a character study than a reader insert? but eventually i found a way to work the reader in there and i liked where the story went, bc renfri deserves happiness and someone to be there for her.

3. Roadside (Robin Buckley)

still in shock at how many notes this one got and i am forever grateful to everyone who reblogged/left comments!!! this was for lacey’s ( @moonlit-imagines ) writing challenge, and idk why when i saw the prompt i immediately decided to use robin. for this one, i actually started with the beginning, which was the prompt, “Let’s take a walk. Just you and me.”

i mentioned this in the a/n, but i planned it to be a lot more angsty and wasn’t even planning on ending it on a happy note askjdhaksd the original plot i had in mind was that robin and the reader were into each other but were dancing around each other’s feelings. so one night, the reader drunkenly kisses steve at a party to try and make robin jealous, but it ends up just causing a rift between robin and the reader even after they confess their feelings. here is a part i wrote for the original plot before i decided to scrap it and go with the final plot.

“Look, I don’t even care if you and Steve get together.” Robin waves her hand, and you’re not used to seeing such disappointment on your best friend’s face as she lets out a shaky breath. She looks as if she’s struggling to collect herself before she asks, “I just… why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t.” you desperately blurt, and Robin’s eyebrows furrow. Shaking your head, you take a step towards her as you explain, “I didn’t lie, Robin, I swear. I don’t like Steve. What happened at the party meant nothing—”

Robin scoffs. “Then why—”

“—because I wanted you to see.” you finally confess, and Robin stares at you. You’re shaking, tears welling in your eyes as you continue, “Because I thought I could make you jealous, because I was just too afraid to make a move and wanted you too. And I know that’s silly of me, and I never meant to hurt your feelings—”

i changed the plot because i didn’t think i could pull it off, and i didn’t know how to fully end it. i liked where it ended up going anyway after the change of direction so all good!!

4. Games (Michael Gray)

so this was inspired by a gif imagine request that @fangirlsarah16 sent me, which you can find here!! you can literally see me already plotting for the piece in the tags aksjdha i just loved how angsty the situation was, and i love michael, so i decided to just run with it. i put what i had already written into a document and just pieced everything in around it. this is definitely one of my more dramatic pieces, but i just loved how the story came together and how all the other characters were included. 

i already planned to write a part 2 while i was still writing this piece, but obviously that hasnt happened yet. also i got discouraged bc i thought it would do better in terms of notes but oh well. i wrote around 300 words of where i wanted part 2 to go, and i still have it saved, but i dont want to share it in case i end up writing it. also, i have 2 plots in mind for where i want part 2 to go, and haven’t decided which one i want to go with. we’ll have to wait and see i guess >:)

5. Off Limits (Cassian Andor)

ah yes, the first in my rewrite project that is going along very slowly. basically, im planning on rewriting my super old one shots in hopes that i’ll like them. i swear i’ve got the next one shot in my drafts but i just havent had the time to finish it yet. anyway, the original piece, which i wrote 4 years ago (!!!!), was the piece that really got my blog started and helped me get activity/attention, and it has around 500 notes, which kinda makes the new version look depressing bc it only has 97 and it’s definitely a lot better in my opinion. 

i don’t really have a detailed process for this one, seeing as i was just improving upon an old piece, but one of the main things i did want to change was cassian’s characterisation. i felt like i just made him too mean in my old piece, and i wanted to loosen him up a bit. i managed to bang this one in one day and i just think it’s some cute content and i miss the rogue one squad!!

i’m tagging @moonlit-imagines @emcon-imagines @lotsoffandomimagines @dannyboy-writes @murswrites @randomfandomimagine @sonsofeorl @spxder-mxns & all other content creators that see this!! i’m definitely missing a lot but everyone should share their favorite pieces from this year :’)

[marvelouswritee]

Birthday Boy

Tom Holland x Reader (Birthday Special- it is his birthday, after all)

gif: @tomhollandcouk (better to give them some credit)

warning: none. tease- not exactly but it was leading there. 

summary: reader throws tom a surprise party and gives him a gift of his life.

author’s note: i don’t use ‘author’s note’ so much. in fact, this is the first time i’ve used it lol. but! i havent’ posted in a month (sorry). and i wish i could have added tom saying, “this is the best birthday gift, ever” but i didn’t so yay. then, happy birthday, tom! lastly, i could have done better if i put much more effort- not that i didn’t put effort- but i was speeding into writing it and i want to post it before it turns to midnight, which, by then, his birthday was over. sorry for not posting too much. i’m trying. i just have too much books waiting to be read (who else relates?) i dont’ usually put a really long note but there’s a first time for everything and anything!  also, this is my FIRST IMAGINE of anyone other than queen so hope anyone reads it. and SORRY FOR THIS REALLY LONG NOTE. 

masterlist

not revised. 

enjoy!

---

The door creaks open, indicating your boyfriend just got home from his work. You hear him drop his heavy bag on the ground. “Babe, I’m home!” he yells out. “Are you here?” The house is pitch-black, making him believe that you’re either asleep from waiting for him or you’re not home, which you know makes him sad since he hasn’t seen you in months for re-shooting his new movie. Despite that never admits it, he misses you every time he comes home and you’re not home. 

He sighs, fatigued from the hard work of being an actor. His fingers reached for the light switch and, as his index finger flick the switch up, all of his friends and family exclaims, which surprises him, “Surprise!” His expression was shocked and a hint of confusion but when he saw you, holding a birthday cake with Happy Birthday, Tommy! boldly written on it, his face light up. Exactly twenty-three candles surround the chocolate cake, just like Tom likes.

“You did this for me?” Tom smiles, reaching for a hug, but instead kisses you firmly kisses you on your lips. A crowd awed their favorite couple.

“Yeah,” you lightly laugh, thinking of having a successful surprise for Tom. “Make a wish.” The crowd sang ‘Happy Birthday’ with beams lighting up their faces. You were proud to be Tom’s girlfriend, knowing your life did a complete turn when you met him. Knowing you can make him happy in his lowest and knowing he can do the same for you. You love him with all your heart but you’re afraid to say it.

When he was gone shooting, all you can think about was how can you say the three most powerful and terrifying words to him. You don’t want your relationship with Tom to break because you said the three words too early or he wasn’t ready or he just doesn’t love you. Multiple situations filled your head for weeks. Maybe he doesn’t love me. Maybe he doesn’t like me. Maybe he’s breaking up with me the moment I want to say it. You didn’t want to take the risk, but it’s just something you can’t get off your head.

Tom tightly closed his eyes, fishing a wish in his head. I wish… He opens his eyes and sees you with the beam in your face, the love in your eyes, and the lines appearing on the side of your eyes from your big smile. To give love the person in front of me forever. Then, he blows the twenty-three candles for him, the twenty-three-year-old birthday boy.

***

The birthday party has ended and most of the people have gone home like Tom’s actor friends that have an early shooting to do first thing in the morning. For Tom’s family, though, they have a hotel room already waiting for them since the apartment you share with Tom can’t afford a whole family due to its one bedroom. Thanks to you, you prepared a room for Nikki and Dominic and a separate room for Sam, Harry, and Paddy.

Already laying in bed, you watch Tom jump beside you with a groan. He was shirtless, only wearing shorts, with his glasses on. “That was crazy,” he now sighs, placing his arms around you to cuddle. He tilted his head to yours, “But, thank you, though.” He places soft kisses repeatedly on your temple and travels to your lips then to your neck.

“Tom?” you break the noise of kisses.

“Yeah?” he breathes to your neck and stops, facing you in the eyes, showing you he’s ready to listen to whatever you’re about to say. It’s one of the things you love about Tom. He’s not the type of guy, like the previous ones you’ve dated, where they just continue and doesn’t stop. You love that he’s passionate but he can identify the right time. It’s like he can just read your mind.

“I love you,” you said with all your breath in. You hesitated at first but just the look on Tom’s face. Trust. Love. At first, his face was blank, unreadable. You didn’t know if he was going to move away and tells you that he isn’t ready. It was the only viable option in your mind.

But, then, his face lights up like any time you see him. His lips turned into a grin. His eyes shined with love when he responds, “I love you, too.”

The sigh of relief you let out just a second later made him chuckle. You feel your cheeks burn, having to hear someone say it to you without faking it is music to your ears and to your heart. It seems like Tom does love you, just like you love him.

“That’s a relief. I don’t know what I would have done if you said you don’t love me,” you let out the truth. Tom gives you a peck and smirks. You love the side of Tom that just smiles the whole time he’s with you. When he saw you holding the cake. When his friends informed him about how you set up the whole birthday party. When you gave his family a hotel room so they have a place to stay for the night and gave them plane tickets back home. When Harrison, Jacob, and some of his other friends told him that you brought them a trip to go scuba diving. Your generous acts make his heart beat for you. It makes crazy in love.  How could I not love her?

“Well, then. Let me show you.” You knew that smirk and the nefarious line he always says. It’s his code to a night full of lust. You got on top of him, supported by his arms, and took off his glasses. You smirked and placed his glasses on his nightstand. You kissed him with hunger. The itch that hasn’t been scratch for months of him being away and only seeing him through the phone. You love him and he loves you. You didn’t want to spend the night with anyone besides Tom. You didn’t want to spend your life without him. Forever. 

[the-everlasting-dream]

Safe With Me - Matt x MC

Request from @madhatter9990 : Could you do a fanfic about her having a panic attack or something with Matt after being in a small space?

A/N: Sorry this took so long! I havent written for Matt in ages but here it finally is. Hope you like it. 

Word Count: 2600+

Warnings: Claustrophobia, panic attack, swearing 

Permanent tags: @chantelle-x0x , @choicessa, @meeraaverywalker , @drakewalkerwhipped , @quartzandarrow ,  @mfackenthal , @srawesleyghuewrites , @topsyturvy-dream , @enmchoices , @gardeningourmet @debramcg1106 , @alesana45 , @meladoridarcy, @blackcatkita , @tmarie82 , @annekebbphotography , @lizk77 , @jayjay879 , @tornbetween2loves , @akrenich , @theroyalweisme , @likethetailofacomet , @sleepwalkingelite , @littleblossom-18 , @ooo-barff-ooo

‘Come on Samantha, you can do this.’ 

‘Its just two minutes in one little safe.’

‘You’ll be fine.’ 

 Samantha Evans stared at herself in the mirror of her trailer, attempting to psych herself up before she was due on set within the next five minutes. She’d landed the lead role on Tommy Phelps’ new spy thriller Double Agent and had been eager to prove herself after her breakout success on Tender Nothings a year earlier. But that had proved harder in practice than in theory. Tommy’s ideas were… volatile at best and it was getting increasingly difficult to keep up with the many rapid and often extreme changes he seemed to be making hourly. 

The latest one involved her character Mia Warren being shoved into a safe by Falcon and his henchmen which would then be hoisted up by a crane over a junkyard to be crushed by the compactor.  Before she’d make her great escape, Tommy had informed her that they’d need a few shots of her actually in the safe trying to break out before they’d cut to the scene of her breakout and edit the rest in post. After a few months of filming another Phelps blockbuster, Samantha had considered herself ready for anything until she received revised script this morning. When she’d read the description, her chest had immediately seized up at the stage directions and she’d had to fight to keep her breathing under control. 

Claustrophobia, fear of small spaces. 

 Ever since her cousin’s boyfriend had thought it was funny to shut her up in the trunk of their car during the fireworks at their community New Years party when she was barely ten years old, Samantha had been deathly afraid of being in any enclosed space for any period of time. The vivid memory of banging desperately on the metal roof of the trunk, screaming and sobbing at the top of her lungs for someone to get her out. The darkness was the worst, it had enclosed her on all sides, seeming to filter through her nostrils and invade her airways to where she could feel it filling up her lungs until she could barely breathe. When her dad had finally found her an hour after the fireworks had finished, she’s been reduced to a sobbing, shivering wreck and the phobia had taken a lifelong root in her. Even now, almost a decade and a half later, she still seized up a little when the elevator doors took a touch longer to open than she expected. 

 You are a grown woman Samantha, she told herself. Its just one small scene that will be over before you know it. No biggie. You can do this.

‘Miss Evans we need you on set in five.’

This was it. She could do this. It was only for two minutes, Tommy had assured her and she’d reluctantly agreed. Throwing one last glance at her reflection in the mirror, clad in a skintight black catsuit, Samantha reluctantly exited the trailer, against her better judgement. 

-

Tommy and his assistant were already waiting when she arrived. 

‘Samantha, baby! There’s our shining star!’ He bellowed across the wide set. ‘You ready for some boom, boom today?’ 

She have him a weak nod, taking in the vast warehouse they’d been using for a set, set up perfectly by the prop department to resemble a realistic junkyard. When her eyes landed on the crane and the safe sitting below it, her stomach flipped. 

 I didn’t realise it was that small. 

‘Samantha babe, you with us?’ Tommy’s voice brought her back to the present before her fear could take root. 

 ‘Mon dieu, concentrate will you?’ Apricot sneered from the side as she walked up with Matt, the pair of them dressed in their costumes. 

Matt gave her a reassuring smile and Samantha returned it half-heartedly. As they listened to Tommy’s rundown of the scene, she couldn’t stop the feeling of dread from building behind her sternum. When Matt and Apricot moved off with the B-team to film their scene, Tommy turned to her a brilliant smile on his face.

‘Alright sweet cheeks let get you in that safe and get this baby on the roll for the boom, boom!’ 

Samantha didn’t want to do this, she really didn’t but she balled her fists and gritted her teeth, forcing herself to appear calm even if she was already kicking and screaming on the inside. She forcefully reminded herself that this was her first big movie. While Tender Nothings struck the Hollywood lottery with its success, that wouldn’t last forever and to maintain her career she needed to do something that would showcase her range. Small town girls like you don’t always get the opportunities you got, Sam. 

 She was lucky really to have the starring role in a Tommy Phelps blockbuster, hundred of young aspiring actresses would have killed to be in her place while here she was chickening out because of some stupid incident that happened over ten years ago. If Tommy wasn’t impressed, she risked getting dropped from the movie and the next girl in line would only be too happy to take her place. Try as she may, Samantha could not shake the feeling of dread off her as she attempted to listen attentively to Nate the stunt coordinator who was explaining how the mechanics worked. 

 ‘We’ve got a camera on the inside so we’ll be able to see you but just in case we’ve installed a failsafe button in the bottom right corner on the floor. After you’ve gone through your movements, pretending to kicking that door down, hit that and it will bust the door open. We’ll film you rolling out of the safe next but for now just focus on the inner work. Any questions?’ 

Only about one hundred. 

Samantha shook her head, unable to voice any even if she tried. The stun man nodded and motioned towards where the safe was and she stared at the door for a moment. 

 I can do this… right?

She glanced over her shoulder to find receive a confused wave from Chadley and an enthusiastic gesture from Tommy, urging her to climb in. Balling her fists in determination, she swallowed thickly and allowed the crew to help her inside, contorting her body to wedge herself inside the small space. Every cell shrieked at her to stop, but she shoved the feelings down allowed them to close the safe door. As it swung shut with deafening finality, she tried not to think of the way the sunlight gave way to the unending darkness that immediately surrounded her. 

Samantha couldn’t help but flinch as a loud creak rang out, the sound of the safe being lifted in the air and she fought to steady her breathing, bracing her hands on the sides of the safe as it rocked dizzyingly in the air. She shut her eyes tight and fought to steady her breathing. When it reached the required height, Tommy’s oily voice crackled through the earpiece she was wearing.

‘Showtime babe. Gimme your best GRR face.’ 

Summoning every inch of courage she had,Samantha attempted to pull herself into the character of super spy, feeling the sweat beginning to drip down her back. ‘Falcon!’ She yelled angrily, hoping her voice didn’t wobble too much. ‘You son of a bitch! Let me out.’ 

She waited the correct amount of time to visualise Matt’s response before yelling again. 

 ‘You’re not getting away with this. I’m going to bring you down even if it kills me!’ 

 At that she aimed a few well placed kicks at the sides of the safe, feigning the struggle to get out. The motion made it swing wildly in the air and Samantha was barely able to keep her stomach under control. When the sequence came to the end, she was more than happy to punch the little button on the floor like the stunt man had instructed, only hoping her relief wouldn’t have ruined the shot. 

For a horribly long nothing happened and her brow furrowed. 

 That doesn’t seem right.. 

Her fingers found the button and she gave it a hard push for good measure, thinking perhaps that would do the trick. 

 Still nothing. 

 Panic began to seep through Samantha as she pressed the button repeatedly in her desperation. 

‘I’m stuck,’ she choked out, hand flying to the ear piece on the left side of her head. ‘I’m stuck. Tommy I’m stuck.’ 

‘Calm down doll,’ Tommy’s voice filtered through, sounding nonplussed at her obvious panic. ‘You’re fine. Just a little technical difficulty. We’re gonna lower you down and the stunt team will get you out in a sec.’ 

Despite his abysmal attempt at reassuring her, Samantha felt her heart rate increase and her chest began to rise and fall at an alarming rate. She knew it was just all in her head but repeating that out loud had no effect on the rising wave of panic in her chest. The walls seemed to close around her, solid and unforgiving, the darkness invading her senses until it paralysed her. She squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to calm herself down but the frenzy had already escalated to irreversible levels. It was like  she was ten years old again, back in the trunk of the car, pounding on the metal until her knuckled bled, screaming until her throat was raw for someone to get her out. 

 'Get me out. I need to get out, somebody help me!’ Samantha hadn’t realised she was voicing this out loud, limbs flailing inside the until Tommy’s voice crackled over the ear piece. 

‘Geez babe, no need to go all godzilla on us. Nate’s getting you out now.’ His condescending tone relieved her panic for a fleeting moment as the sound of the key at the safe door rattled through her overloaded senses. 

 Get me out, get me out, get me out. How long does it take to open a goddamn safe? 

 ‘Shit its stuck! Jimmy go get someone from the prop department. The fucking lock's jammed.’ 

His words made the blood froze in her veins. It was stuck. She was stuck. This was how she’d die. In a tiny box surrounded by nothing but cold blackness. The air seemed to thicken uncomfortably, taking each breath required a major effort as it felt like her chest was constructing in on itself. Hot tears ran down her face, as she sobbed out a loud howl, giving way to a full blown wail. She could hear shouts from the other side of the door. People rushing about, jimmying the lock, shouting directions to each other before one voice rang out above the rest, penetrating through the frenzy holding her captive.

‘Samantha! Sam can you hear me?’ ‘Matt,’ she sobbed weakly. 

‘Matt, help me. Please..’ 

‘I’m coming baby. I’m coming. I’ll get you out of there now I promise.’ His voice though strained had a peculiarly calming effect on her and her chest seemed to ease just the slightest. Matt would get her out. He wouldn’t let her down. She squeezed her eyes shut again, flinching as she heard a loud bang on the safe door. 

‘Careful Rodriguez!’ She could hear Tommy hissing. ‘That’s Montmarte property!’ 

'Fuck off Tommy. I’m getting her out now. Montmarte be dammned.’ Matt growled back angrily. 

 A few thunderous clangs later and the tiny door was wrenched open. Samantha instinctively crawled to the light as it seared her eyeballs, limbs shaking, barely able to hold herself up but she needed to get of of here. Strong arms reached in, grabbing and pulling her out of the tiny space. ‘It’s okay. I’ve got you Sam. I’ve got you.’ Matt soothed, supporting her limp body she sobbed. 'You’re safe baby, you’re okay.’

‘Matt,’ she croaked hoarsely, clutching onto him as if her life depended on it, still fighting for breath. ‘Matt I…I was so scared..’ 

From somewhere off the side, Apricot started to make an off handed comment in French but a look from Matt silenced her. 

 ‘I know.. but you’re okay now. You’re okay.’ His hands rubbed soft circles on her back, as he began to steer her back to where their trailers were, the gathered crew members parting before them. ‘You’re safe with me.’ 

Matt lead her not to her trailer but his and after settling her on the plush couch with a blanket, he made her a hot cup of tea in the kitchenette. She’d barely taken the first sip when someone rapped at the door. 

 ‘Sammie baby you finished in there? Daylights burning and we need to get a move on with Take Two over here,’ Tommy’s voice filtered through from the other side. 

 Samantha's eyes widened. In her panic she’d totally forgotten they were still filming. The thought of going back in that safe almost made her throw up but Tommy knocked again, his tone irritated. 

 ’Evans quit playing around. We haven’t got all day you know.’ 

 She took a deep breath and made to get up before Matt stopped her. ’Sam, you’re in no position to position to get back in there. You’ve barely stopped shivering.’ 

‘I know but-‘ 

‘But nothing,’ he replied firmly, his voice brooking no argument and before she could speak, he’d walked over to the door and pulled it open. 

 ‘Matty my dude, ready to-‘ 

‘We’re done shooting for today Tommy,’ he retorted in that same firm tone. ‘Unless you want the studio execs to hear about how you placed an actress’ life in danger by not checking the safety mechanism on the props.’ 

Samantha had barely time to hear the director’s response when Matt shut the door pointedly behind him and turned to her. 

 ‘How are you feeling?’ 

‘Much better… But aren’t we going to mess up the filming schedule? Tommy’s already on a tight budget and if they find out I delayed it-‘ 

‘Then I’ll take a blame for it,’ he replied smoothly, coming to sit next to her. His eyes scanned her concernedly, glancing over her form for any injuries. ‘No scene is worth causing trauma for.’ 

 Samantha felt tears prick the back of her eyes as she gazed into his handsome face, beginning to smile a little. She wasn’t actually sure where the both of them stood — they’d never talked about it, preferring to just let it play out naturally — but she was glad to have someone in her corner she could count on. Feeling a spurt of courage, she leaned across and kissed him softly on the lips. Matt reciprocated eagerly, drawing her in close, hands winding around her waist as her hand came up to cup his cheek affectionately. 

 ’Thank you.’ Her voice was a whisper but it held all her emotion in it. 

 ‘It was nothing.’ 

 ‘No its not,’ she replied, scooting closer to him. ‘You were the only one who realised this was a big deal for me and you got me out. You did got me out. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have someone like you in my corner.’ 

‘Samantha you’ve always had me,’ Matt replied, taking her hand and kissing her knuckles. ‘You’re an amazing woman. I should be the one considering themselves lucky.’ 

A soft smile curved across her face. ‘How about we call it a draw?’ 

‘I can live with that.’ He punctuated the statement with another kiss. 

 They spent the rest of the day cuddled on the couch in his trailer, watching old reruns of Frasier, just enjoying each other’s company. Samantha would occasionally tilt her head up from where it was rested on his chest and they’d share an affectionate glance before Matt would pull her in closer, reminding her that no matter what happened, she’d always be safe with him.

[sciencography]

Long overdue update!!

At long last the much promised and oft delayed blog post update that I've been promising off and on for MONTHS. Going to cover a huge range of topics here, therefore nothing that I cover will get extensive depth or attention. Will cover the App Store status, nControl, chimeraTV, electraTV, uicache / ldrestart recent changes / snafu, DalesDeadBug update, cycripter and any known issues that are occuring with any of the above. Will also include a link to a handy tutorial for saving OTA blobs for the 4K AppleTV, just in case we find a way to make them useful!

Saving 4K OTA blobs covered by idownloadblog:

nitoTV App Store

This is several months behind schedule, and at this point its pretty much entirely my fault. I still need to do some payment processing work on the amazon front regarding declined cards / failed payments, etc. Im going to be looking into this immediately after i finish writing this post. 

If you hadn't noticed the new nito.tv website launched at the same time chimera(TV) did. You may have also noticed a beta code for people to help beta test it before i finally launch it, there is no way to get this code yet, not until i finish the payment work I mentioned above. Off the top of my head, this is the only thing holding us back anymore. 

nControl

Obviously nControl was released a few months ago, to resoundingly positive response (thank you!) It's available on chariz repo for 10$ and is currently my only source of income, so all purchases are greatly appreciated! If you need any additional details about nControl in general I kindly redirect you to the exhaustively documented wiki page that I maintain on the subject: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/nControl

The tvOS version is only available through patreon and i'd actually prefer that people no longer go that route, patreon makes it WAY too much effort to get the money they owe you so I massively regret doing that in the first place, just didn't want to launch iOS and tvOS separetely and honestly thought the store would wrap up shortly thereafter.

chimeraTV

For the first time (potentially ever) the tvOS jailbreak was released in tandem with the iOS version of the Electra Teams *OS 12 jailbreak. This was a momentus occasion and was a large source of me being delayed from focusing on completing the nitoTV App Store. Its a rock solid jailbreak (especially with latest release) and I'm quite proud to maintain the tvOS version of it. It covers 12.0 - > 12.1.1 on tvOS, this is due to the fact the Apple staggers version numbers between iOS and tvOS for some unknown and maddening reason. For instance (12.1.2 on iOS == 12.1.1 on tvOS). It drives me just as mad as it does the rest of you, but it's been like that since the beginning of ARM based AppleTVs (send gen +) So I doubt it will ever change.

Candidly it was a bit of a challenge to get AppleBetas awesome UI to cooperate on tvOS but i'm glad iIforced myself to use the same code as much as possible (lots of ifdefs), since its written in Swift you can imagine the fight I put up to avoid using the same code base for the UI stuff. Eventually I acquiesced (yes I do make concessions!)

electraTV

Wow it's really been a long time since i've updated this blog (sorry!) electraTV was released several months before chimera (well the initial versions were, the 11.4.1 iteration wasn't THAT long ago) The electra jailbreak covers ALL versions of 11 (11.0->11.4.1) In its latest jailbreakd2 based iteration it is incredibly stable and reliable. Not much else to say about it!

uicache / ldrestart changes

I wasted most of last week fighting against issues with ldrestart. If you aren't familiar with ldrestart it is responsible for running after jailbreaking or loading any new Tweaks to make sure anything they may inject into gets restarted. With the older version of jailbreakd (in backr00m & versions of electraTV that supported 11.2.1->11.3, but not 11.4.1) couldn't handle the speed at which all the daemons get reloaded by ldrestart, this would lead to a lockup that would result in the system eventually rebooting (after being locked up for several minutes).

ldrestart has actually always been an issue, even when i used a kpp bypass in greeng0blin (Im fairly certain thats accurate!) So as a workaround i used to 'killall -9 backboardd' That would respring enough different things (PineBoard, HeadBoard et al) that i would be sufficient for the things i most commonly injected. Obviously this is a hacky stopgap, and uicache used to also kill a variety of other processes to cover them as well (lsd, appstored, etc) to help cover things like DalesDeadBug. 

After coolstar re-wrote uikitools (including uicache) i decided it was probably a good time for me to take a look at uicache again. If you want to know how much of a hassle and challenge uicache was in the earlier days (pre APFS) read some of the older posts on this blog. It's history is covered ad naeuseum.

Since we no longer need to load from /var/mobile/Applications, a lot of the extra hurdles in uicache have ceased to be necessary, essentially all that is really needed is [[LSApplicationWorkspace defaultWorkspace] _LSPrivateRebuildApplicationDatabasesForSystemApps:YES internal:YES user:NO]; + tweak to force App states to return TRUE for isEnabled. 

In the course of thinning down uicache I decided it'd be a good time to try and get ldrestart working on tvOS. After battling with it off an on all last week I came up with something that appeared to work pretty consistently on tvOS 12. Instead of being thorough and testing on 10.2.2->11.4.1 as well I hastily released it. This lead some people to get stuck in respring loops / lockups that eventually restarted the device. This was due to the fact that uicache:restart in postinst scripts would trigger ldrestart instead of uicache in nitoTV. 

In the older version of uicache there was an issue that existed once our new apps were loaded in the UI, a respring was never "required" but if it didn't occur all applications would exhibit weird behavior where they wouldnt launch, or wouldnt exit once launched, etc, to "fix" that I made it always kill backboardd as a compromise. Since this was also no longer necessary I made uicache killing backboardd "optional" by appending -r. Lack of forsite here, the old nitoTV wouldn't know backboardd wouldn't respring anymore, nor to run ldrestart when finish:restart was received, this lead to people getting stuck with a red progress indicator forever when trying to update to latest (at the time) version of nitoTV.

Due to the depth and gravity of the issue I sidelined getting ldrestart working in backr00m (one of the only places it has show stopping issues still) I reverted to uicache always respringing until I have time to revisit the issue.

In conjunction with deciding I was pouring too much time into this issue Chimera 1.0.6 was released the other night with massive stability improvements. Libtakeover & related injection was stripped out into inject_criticald  which provided massively stability improvements for the jailbreak, this made focusing on getting that out a few hours after the iOS release a very high priority.

The big takeaway from all of this:

* uicache run by itself (no arguments) is sufficient to gets apps loaded / removed after installing them into /Applications.

* ldrestart is part of uikittools on tvOS now and should be safe to run on latest electraTV release and chimeraTV release, but won't work at all on backr00m.

if you have installed a tweak and it doesnt seem to be working, try running ldrestart, it should help.

sleepy/wake

Part of the uicache update came the addition of 'sleepy' and 'wake' binaries. Use them from the command line to sleep or wake your AppleTV.

DalesDeadBug

This was recently updated to spoof newer versions, if you can't seem to get it working after installing it, prime candidate to run ldrestart after installing or making changes to that don't seem to be propogating. It works to get SteamLink installed on tvOS 10.2.2, but crashes immediately, not sure if im going to be able to fix it. It won't be possible to make that a priority (I looked into it briefly, thats the best I can do for now). 

If you need more info on what DalesDeadBug does, please read the wiki page: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/DalesDeadBug

Cycripter

If you didn't notice, yesterday I decided to take one more brief detour to rectify a glaring deficiency in recent jailbreaks, inability to use cycript. I might have my differences with saurik recently, but this is still one of the most amazing projects he ever undertook and gifted to us. 

cycripter / CycriptLoader.dylib have been updated and open sourced to make it easier to use cycript on iOS or tvOS. All details necessary can be viewed on the wiki and the git.nito.tv repo. 

More Details: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/Cycript

Known Issues

I havent kept a very exhaustive list of these, so I'm only going to cover two that I can think of right now.

* Infuse doesn't work on chimeraTV. 

Try launching infuse before running the jailbreak (so if you are currently in a jailbroken state, reboot first) 

if you run the jailbreak after Infuse has already been open it will work. I don't think it is necessarily any jailbreak detection, but it may be some kind of a protecetion from code injection, im honestly not sure.

* Music app doesn't work

Try updating to the latest version of chimeraTV on https://chimera.sh it didn't work in the prior version for me either, but after the latest install it started working.

Wrap-up

That's it for now, my core focus after this post is going to be to wrap up work on my long delayed tvOS App Store. I really hope to get it wrapped up this week or next. Stay tuned! And if you made it down this far, thanks!!

[boisheviks]

Do everything that you haven't already done

thanks owobiwan

angel; do you have a nickname? no not rly

awe; how old are you? 18 

baby; favorite color? either red or blue

bloop; spirit animal? red panda

blossom; favorite book/movie/song? havent read a book in years, into the spiderverse was a really good movie (just saw it yesterday, 11/10 would recommend PLEASE SEE IT IF YOU HAVENT), tbh idk what my favorite song is but my favorite band is p!atd 

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child? hmmm i guess my first major stuffed animal was a bunny. i also had a lot of dogs

bright; mermaids or fairies? both??

bubbles; do you have a best friend? yea (:

buttercup; showers or baths? showers

butterfly; dream destination? japan

buttons; are you religious or spiritual? uhhhh?????? neither???? i guess spiritual if i had to pick

candlelight; what did you dream about last night? i dont remember most of my dreams unless something significant happened so idk

charming; have you ever been in love? nah

cozy; eye/hair color? brown and black respectively

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period? uhhh now i guess? although trump sucks so bad timeline

cupcake; favorite flower/plant? plants that grow fruit

cute; what did you get on your last birthday? iphone x

cutie pie; most precious item you own? my iphone x lol

cutsie; what makes you happy? talking to my friends

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free. when i came home from college for winter break lmao thank god no homework or studying i dont want to go back

daylight; favorite album of all time? oof uhhh i guess the wall by pink floyd 

dear; zodiac sign? aries

delightful; concerts or museums? concerts but museums can be cool

dimples; have you ever written a letter? ..yes? lmao

dobby; dream job? something in cybersecurity would be cool

doll; how do you like to dress? tshirt and jeans, with a jacket if its cold

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences? nope

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos? no tattoos and currently not rly interested in getting any anytime soon

euphoric; talk about someone you love. i love my parents theyre great

fairy; do you have a pet? i have a fish!

forever; where do you feel time stop? where…??? idk 

froglet; are you a good plant owner? LMAO i was until i forgot about my plant for a solid week. but in my dorm my plant was one of the nicest looking ones so rip plant

garden; how many languages do you know? 2 if u count my horrible chinese that i learned in high school

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice? sunsets and what the sky looks like

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not? sure. i mean i dont rly get any in the first place but lol

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

1. I’m funny (i hope anyways)

2. I’m smart (kinda)

3. I’m strong

4. I’m understanding

5. I’m good at playing music (lol i literally could not think of anything else yikes)

heart; silk or lace? silk

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it? coffee, only if its in the form of a frappuccino 

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why? people, mainly bc its funny to watch them sometimes

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep? no sounds in general

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather? sunny

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends? sleep

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more? probably laugh loudly id say

kinky; do you blush easily? i dont think so

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most? to have someone love me (wow i live a sad life)

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad? idk i will listen to the same music no matter how i feel

love; what is your favorite season and why? summer bc no school and its warm

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream? i dont eat macarons much but as for ice cream i guess smores

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks? hmm i guess i like looking at soft pastels but cool darks are also nice

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date? actually going on one haha

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself? sleeping and talking to friends

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life? dont procrastinate for too long (i say as i procrastinate writing thank you cards whoops)

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more? bake

prince; how would you describe your handwriting? ugly but surprisingly legible

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play? yup i play lots

prinky; how do you relieve stress? listening to music

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable? mangoes 

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read? tbh i dont even remember the last book i read

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far? this is sad but probably getting into college and going to college

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you? tbh probably getting an internship since i kinda (??) have a guaranteed job once i get out of college as long as i dont mess up so yea knocking on wood rn

shine; art or music? music but i love art as well

smitten; do you collect anything? not really although i used to collect state quarters (now theyre like presidents and important locations or something)

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with? 1 usually but i can also sleep without a pillow

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind? does my phone count 

sparkle; do you wear jewelry? yea usually ill wear a watch and a necklace

spooky; sunrise or sunset? sunset, i cant get up for the sunrise anyways

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones? headphones

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child? funny story but i think barney was my favorite show when i was rly young. but then i guess when i got older (elementary school) probably the mythbusters

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house. my desk where my computer is. its often a mess but i spend the most time there

soothe; digital or vinyl? vinyl bc im such a hipster wow i dont even own any vinyl (my dad has a bunch of records tho)

squeezed; who do you miss right now? all my college pals :(

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends? people who will laugh at my awful jokes and will tolerate me and listen to me i guess

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing? aesthetically pleasing who needs things to be practical and useful anyways lol

sweet; do you find it easy to open up? nope lol it be like that sometimes

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any? eh kids are ok but can also be kinda annoying so idk if id ever want any/be fit to have any anyways lol. id probably adopt tho

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they? yup and its the person who gave me all of these to answer smh

tootsie; what kind of friend are you? one who will probably make fun of u too much but will also listen to u when u need it

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl? night owl for sure

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out? depends where “going out” is and with who

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup? nope ive never worn makeup

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person? messy

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star? no, but also i dont rly see shooting stars rip light pollution

[athyrabunlord]

I like how you went back to the Yoshiko thing, because really its a super important thing. Speaking of which, Are there any ask's you havent gotten to yet? Because the truth is, I sent like alot alot of Ask's after you posted the epilogue summarizing everything I wanted to say and if they didnt go through I wanna know, cause its actually happened before.... Back to the fic Ruby and Leah dancing toghether would be great to see animated. PS: the suit/dress conversation was spot on great I loved it

Thanks Anon! Other than the fact it was from the Main Story, it was pivotal for Yoshiko and therefore just as important to Ruby. If I had the artistic ability & time, I’d be drawing out the whole TriWizard Tournament instead of writing it loooool

And yes I’m sorry! There were quite a few asks buried under all those spams of “apologies for previous sent messages feel free to ignore or delete them” etc (honestly getting really annoyed; yes they’re still coming on a daily basis from what I can see…). My desktop already lags whenever I access tumblr, even more so when I scroll through the the anon asks XD; so there might still be some unanswered asks, recent or old.

I’ll eventually find a solution to this… eventually… eventually………….

Below are some of the way over due replies to the Epilogue’s feedback:

to Anon: Now that I’m reading your series of feedback comments, I can’t help but smile. Yes I definitely don’t mind feedback of any form, since it shows the readers really are taking in what I’ve written and that makes me feel like all the effort has paid off! Again, sorry it took so long to respond to these.

Indeed, the Epilogue is just something extra to tie up the loose ends as well as tease the parts that weren’t written, to leave room for speculations. That last line has been there since the very beginning of the Main Story’s outlines. I’m glad to actually be able to incorporate it as it is meant to be.

As rambled in my Extras (or was it Trivia? Oi author-lmao) post, it would’ve been interesting if Kanan is a Tiger instead of a wolf XD As for the ships, yes, I tried very hard to make it as ship-free as I could (other than the main ship of yoshimaru), to see if people of various shipping preferences can get through at arc1 and would stay in spite of the chosen ships for this story. Some did, which makes me happy!

I also tried to write the story in a way that none-HP fans can understand/enjoy most of the content, but also easter eggs here and then for the hardcore ones.

Oh believe me, I definitely thought about alternate bad endings other than the Bad End I mentioned in the Trivia post. There are just so many ways the story could have ended, or other directions in the previous chapters, but I feel like Hanamaru would’ve written the book regardless, though it would’ve been a much different tone.

I agree with Ruby - I was neutral towards her, that she’s just a mascot cinnamon roll (well, she still is, my previous bby), but ep9 where she handed Dia the Mijuku Dreamer outfit will forever be one of my favorite scenes ever. Then I really start to take note of her and the differences between the Kurosawa sisters. Dia is by no means weak but, in a way, Ruby really does have stronger inner strength.

Anyways, the Tournament saga will continue for a few more blips, hope you enjoy the rest of the series!

@softoxidation I just noticed I never replied to you properly on this feedback OTL Ahem, throughout the story, Yoshiko has been ‘bad’ at potions because her cauldron kept exploding whenever she tries to brew them. They never figured out the reason, so Riko went around it by helping her with whatever she could teach on the subject that doesn’t require actual brewing, such as conceptual knowledge, how to prepare the ingredients and so on.

While it was never explained in the main story, it’s implied that her unstable magic as a Horcrux interacts detrimentally with the concoctions. Now that she’s… whole again, she aced the subject. Just as you said, one of the reasons is because Yohane is good at it. Yohane used to be ‘weak’ because of her unstable magic and being unable to connect to a wand, so it took years for her to be proficient with her wings. In terms of… combat ability(?), Yohane was definitely better than Yoshiko.

Anyway, yes, stating that Yoshiko got Outstanding in Potions is my way of saying that she is not the same as the Yoshiko from Arc1 and she’s grown up.

The Epilogue cover was meant for Yoshiko the Narrator thanking the readers and saying goodbye

[not-from-the-absence-of-violence]

7 and 13!

7. Post a random line from one of your WIPs.

oh god i havent written shit in forever uhhhhhhhhh here have a margaret fic i will never finish that is halfway written

"There's water in your lungs, it’s a feeling you’ve never felt before and yet it feels like an old wound flaring up. Gasping for air is useless as more water only fills your lungs more and the panic sets in again and again as you struggle to the surface.

Something is dragging you down pulling you by the ankle and you try and fight it and it does. not. work. and you reach out to-

To…

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

You reach out blindly to the person drowning next to you and there's no one there and-"

13. Name one of your fics that you are proud of.

oh man there is so many, i never got around to posting nova backstory fanfic but it is possibly the longest thing i have written and maybe the best thing too, also of my skyjack fics im recently thinking a lot about travis baby nightmare fic, for, no reason-

[8eht]

pls answer questions 1-10 andddd 17 😚😚😻😻😚😻😚😻😚😻♥♥♥

1. how old were you when you first starting writing fanfiction?

well i literally jsut started in nov 2017 so 26!!! i mean, if u want my deepest darkest secret i started an exo fic back in like 2012 but didnt write anything after like 2 paragraphs lmao akjfhakfjsasf

2.what fandoms do you write for and do you have a particular favourite if you write for more than one?

seventeen almost exclusively. although i do have an ongoing monsta x fic! ive considered writing for some video games like life is strange or detroit: become human, but i think i’ll stick with seventeen for now. svt is def my fave to write about, specifically junhao and gyuhao but thats prob obv

3. do you prefer writing oc’s or reader inserts? explain your answer.

neither??? everything i write is member/member so it doesnt really apply. however, ive been kind of tempted to write reader inserts but i pro wont bc its embarrassing aksfjhafkafjas. i might tho eventually. its just really not my thing.

4. what is your favourite genre to write for?

angst!!!!! heavy heavy heavy angst!!! with very subtle, but important ‘fluff’ here and there. i normally write boring things like uni or just everyday non-idol aus, but idk lately ive been really loving my sci-fi/dystopian au so who knows. im always changing!!! but yes, angst is something i will always write no matter what.

ive never been into fluff or soft stuff and prob never will. even if i were to write something fluffy, there will def be lots of angst too akjsfhasfk

5. if you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

okay so. ive only posted like two (kinda three) multi-chptered fics atm. and only one has multiple chapters posted. like atm im working one like … five multi-chaptered fics?? but i think no matter what natural born losers with be my favorite forever. i put so mucho f myself into it that it will always be the most important thing to me.

even if im not finished with even the first chapt of some, i KNOW natural born losers will be my fave forever.

send me fanfic asks 🍒

6. if you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

most def the monsta x one bc im just not feeling it no matter how much i try. i just see too many things abt it i dont like. i want to do better with the second chpt, but if i HAD to delete one it would be that :((((((

i do love it a lot. it has to do with a lot of personal things that have actually happened to me, and there are some parts that im even surprised i had written bc i find them that wonderful (im not trying to be full of myself bc i normally think i suck) and im in love with those particualr bits.

but i mean, if i HAD to choose it would be breaths, hands, and other things to hold.

7. when is your preferred time to write?

literally any time. if im in the mood, then i will do it. even if im trying to sleep and its 4:37 am i will get up and write. whenever i get the urge to write i will!! there rly is no specific time.

8. where do you take your inspiration from?

so so so so so many diff places. from real life, to tv shows, to music. but for some specifics, nicole dollanger will forever be someone i take a huge inspiration from. all of her music is really how i feel, so she helps me get my feelings out in paper.

like i swear, anything i write, u can bet im listening to her while i write.

bc shes me, honestly. but a smarter and more articulate me.

9. in your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote?

im gonna choose an unpublished fic if thats okay!!!

so im gonna choose a scene from flowers of flesh and blood.

i havent published it yet, so i wont get into too much detail. but if you’ve played dbh you’ll kinda understand. but in it is a scene where ‘someone’ and his father picks out an android :^)

everyone will see wut i mean when i post it so asfjhasjfk. i dont want to give anything away, but im super excited abt it!!!!

10. in your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? did you have an alternate ending in mind?

ok so another one of an unpublished fic!!!!!!!!

im not gonna give aNYTHING away buy i’ll tell u this. there is no ending. the ending is very up to the reader :^)

but it’s gonna be called how to stop never being sad and i’ll post it when i finish.

im only talking abt this one bc none of my current published fics are finished or close to being finished.

17. post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.

a blanket of courage covering all of his ugly blemishes, leaving him with a dewy and luminous finish.

[crossnecklace]

hi hi hi! so i feel like a lot of my most favorite fics dont get talked about much, therefore i wanted to create a proper fic rec masterpost to spread the love!! this is going to be a looooong list, so hopefully theres something for everyone (though i do firmly believe u should read every single one of these before u die)

in no particular order, but a * indicates my absolute faves that i reread monthly:

hats off to my distant hope by navigator (21k) *

Harry is in White Eskimo. Louis is in London.

AU loosely inspired by the song “505” by Arctic Monkeys.

-kicking this off with one of my very favorites. i think my favorite trope is when hl have this angsty “we’re not dating but definitely fucking and also doing everything couples do also i’m irrevocably in love with you why aren’t we dating?” sort of moment. its painful in the sweetest way, and this fic captures that perfectly. there will be quite a few of those on this list, i’ll bet

up the long delirious burning blue by orphan_account (6k)

harry is a swimmer & louis is the writer who somehow manages to make him come up for air. 

-this one is quite sad. so poetic and painful and lovely and unf (warning for mentions of suicide and depression, and the ending is quite ambiguous but there is no MCD)

we wreak havoc with out hearts by flimsy (9k)

Harry finds that he can’t keep things separate; neither can Louis.

Harry tousles his hair, smoothes it back, shrugging. 

“Alright,” he says. “I’m, you know, outside if you need anything.” 

“Yeah,” Louis replies. “Sure.” 

He doesn’t look like he’ll be needing Harry, and Harry tells himself that that’s okay. They’ve both got their moods sometimes or maybe the timing isn’t good, and if it’s not then that’s alright as well. Harry can respect that. And it’s not like this is their first tour; Harry knows that Louis will come around. He always does.

-another one of those w that trope i talked about. im gonna call it the RFWB trope (romantic friends w benefits). this one is so hot and good

rather this than live without you by mediaville (10k) *

Harry decides to give it all up. Louis refuses to be left behind.

-RFWB pt. 3. i ADORE this fic. just the setting and the angst and the smut ugh it all has me on the floor

one day to believe in you by mediaville (7k) 

A mysterious force compels Louis to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Even when it’s really inconvenient.

Harry blinks and has the nerve to look surprised. 

“You think about me when you get off?”

“Yes,” Louis says. He wonders how hard he’d need to punch himself in the face to knock himself out.

“Often?”

“Yes, Christ, Harry,” Louis groans. “Probably eight times a week for going on six years now. On average, you know. More when we were touring, less when I’ve been visiting family. Anything else you’d like to know?”

- :-)))))))

all my love was down in a frozen ground by navigator (16k)

Louis goes to the woods. 

AU very loosely inspired by the creation of Bon Iver’s first record.

-i’ll be honest i dont even remember what this fic is about but its in my bookmarks and its by navigator so i know that its good

boys of summer by sharktoothedfawnskinned (49k) *

What he wants is for this to be a forever thing, not someplace Harry spent the summer once.  What he wants is for this to be more than a memory.

(New Jersey beach town AU.) 

- I SCREAM EVERY TIME READ THIS RIGHT NOW 

we should get jerseys by orphan_account (12k) *

There’s a lot surrounding Harry, and Louis knows, in his heart of hearts, that there always will be. He just doesn’t know if he’ll manage to equate into the ‘always’ of it.

(Harry is a hockey player, and Louis is his slightly melodramatic boyfriend.)

- another old favorite!!! pretty much anything that involves harry being good at sports has me on my knees bc it paves way for automatic angst, louis being jealous of a puck/ball/net/what have you, and uhhh various other *athletic* activities

the finish line (is a good place for us to start) by @loaded-gunn (122k)

Louis Tomlinson, one-time Formula 1 World Champion, is looking forward to the 2013 season. He’s got Zayn in his garage and Liam in his ear, he’s got Cowell Racing backing him despite former indiscretions, he’s got experience and the best race car out there. Not to mention he’s the only racer they have, after Oliver dropped out late last year.

It hasn’t occurred to him that Oliver would have to be replaced by February. That is, until he finds himself at a party celebrating Harry Styles leaving Ferrari for Cowell. Harry hotshot Styles, who broke a record last year and is probably looking to make a big splash. Harry Styles, who is talented and somewhat intimidating. Harry Styles, who left Ferrari for reasons unknown and seems kind of lonely and harmless in person. Lonely, harmless, hot as fuck. Whatever.

The first thing Louis does is take him under his wing. From there it’s nine months of slow-burning romance, the past catching up to them, turning into the human puppy pile that is OT5 and a lot of feelings until, of course, reaching the finish line.

-one of the first 1d fics i remember reading. i havent touched it in a long time but it used to be my #1 fave and it has a special place in my heart. so much pining, only not really in a frustrating way bc theres abundant flirting and they kiss in like, the second scene. its basically louis trying to keep his shit together and failing miserably. AND its stuffed with fandom meta which is quite entertaining if youve been here for awhile. anyway give this a read, i truly love it so much

so keep my candle bright by whisperdlullaby (78k) *

louis returns to his hometown after four years to find that the reverend’s son has done some growing up of his own.

-god. the characterization in this one is just gorgeous. the way louis helps harry accept/explore his sexuality is so beautiful and i think about it every day. a must read!!! (warning for homophobia and religious themes)

no one like you by @myownsparknow (20k)

Dear Niall,

I was glad to have the chance to talk with you again at the AHA conference. Your idea that the Musee D’Orsay Tomlinson painting is in fact not a self-portrait is an intriguing one, and I may have discovered something that will have a bearing on that theory.

Some background: as you may remember, I’ve been researching for a book I’m writing about Harry Styles. I’ve been in communication with Styles’ last living descendant, who is in possession of a trunk that her family believed to have belonged to Styles himself. It held some personal items she presumes to be his, including two unmounted paintings and a small collection of letters.

Upon spending the last few days in Provins studying these items, I believe there to be a connection between Tomlinson and Styles, and I would very much like your opinion.

Are you up for a trip to France?

Sincerely, Liam Payne

Where Liam and Niall are art historians discovering the truth about two nineteenth century painters on opposite sides of an artistic divide.

-this is one of the only recent fics on this list bc i like to stew in the past and pretend all my favorite writers havent left the fandom. i read it when it first came out and man oh man, its like poetry. so gorgeously written, and hl’s relationship is so deeply rooted and beautiful. i love

our little corner of the world by brownheadedstranger (30k)

AU. Louis is stuck in his mom’s diner for the summer. Harry is the line cook with a pickup truck.

-so good!! i’d die for americanized fics which doesnt even make sense bc i hate america but. what can u do 

i could dream all night by @fondleeds (73k) *

As the sun kisses the horizon, one last flash of light before the stars and the moon take over, his phone will brighten in his grasp, Louis’ name appearing on screen, come over or wanna see you or miss your mouth. Harry always lingers on those messages, elbows bruising on the cool metal of the railing by the lookout, watching the water as he thumbs at the side of his phone, lips bitten into his mouth, trying to will away the bubbling in his stomach, the heat that flushes to his neck at the thought of being thought of.

At the thought of Louis thinking of him.

AU. Harry spends his summer away from the city.

-lordt. where the fuck do i begin. first of all, lysha, if ur reading this, i’d die for u even tho u already killed me with this fic. second, what the fuck???? this is so good??? the imagery is exquisite, everything is so soft and hazy and warm, but just be warned that its a tRick. this fics wraps u in like a warm hug and then stabs u 7 times in the back so be prepared :-))) (warning for ambiguous ending)

another hazy may by deLILAh (41k) *

louis is a terrible poet and harry lives in the now and they have six weeks to fall in love but, really, it only takes six seconds. bookshop meets military meets summer romance au ft. marlboros, the backstreet boys, and underrated literary devices.

-i dnot even wanna talk about it. i swear to god the first time i read this i stayed up all night and cried through literally like the last three quarters of it. its so poetic and gorgeous and now every time i think or hear about the literary present i wanna die so thanks for scarring me forever 

like a bastard on the burning sea by vashtaneradas (22k) *

au; harry breaks louis, louis breaks everything.

- listen i know im not supposed to like this but yknow what?? iconic. its absolutely a guilty pleasure and the only cheating fic ill ever give the time of day bc it just hurts so good 

take me to the church (series) by @kingsoftheimpossible (14k/6k/4k)

Harry and Louis are Horsemen of the Apocalypse- War and Conquest- but that’s not really important. They just like to fuck things up.

these r freaky but so so good. theres nothin i love more than boyfriends wreaking havoc on..everything. (the main warnings i’d say are for slight gore/violence and blasphemy. other than that i’d read the tags before you dive in)

if you love me, come clean by @victoryjacket​ (121k) *

AU in which Louis works at a recording studio where Harry’s ‘up and coming’ and ‘exciting’, soon-to-be famous indie band has just signed a deal to record their debut album at, and Louis’ never even heard of them for Christ’s sakes, but that doesn’t stop him from repeatedly catching the eye of the raven-haired, eyeliner-wearing and slightly dangerous-looking frontman (but he’s not interested, he isn’t.)

-everyone read my love’s fic right now. she writes tortured rockstar!harry beautifully and its just so good :-))))) ft. the slowest, sweetest burn 

a runaway american dream by dangerbears (15k)

AU. they take route 66 with only each other and their secrets.

-iconic. plus the whole thing is just hl trying and failing to be just bro pals and platonically share a bed

from the love to the lightning by orphan_account (22k) *

“i didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. because it’s the halves that halve you in half.”

 a like crazy au where harry and louis fall in america, but have to try to make it work when problems arise that force louis to stay in london.

-definitely in my top 10. first things first, the line that fucked me up forever: “Three thousand, four hundred and seventy one. There are 3471 miles and an entire ocean between them, but Harry doesn’t even have to get out of bed to find bone-crushing heartache.” AH. i think this might actually be the only long distance au ive ever read and its angsty as fuck but oh so worth it. like literally idek what to say except read this right now (warning for harry/ofc relationship that is pretty detailed, but i grew kinda fond of her? and anyway its mainly just a plot point to emphasize harrys pining for his tru love,,,,yk who) 

we can take the long way home by @eleadore (27k) *

“Fertile,” Louis says, and then laughs because it sounds stupid to say out loud. He hasn’t ever really thought of himself in those terms. Baby-making terms. It’s just one of those things his body can do, like exercise, or go without tea. Doesn’t mean he will.

or, The band takes a break. Harry and Louis come together.

-listen, i REALLY REALLY love this fic. its probably literally my favorite one shot, like, its really just so sweet and hot and its again one of those good ol RFWB tropes. loveeee

red brick heart by hazmesentir (99k) *

Harry has only had his room for thirty-two minutes when it stops being his.

Uni AU. Harry had turned up at the halls of residence expecting fun, new friends, and maybe a life experience or two. What he doesn’t expect is a surprise roommate who’s loud and dramatic and obsessed with tea and is maybe, actually, all he’s ever wanted.

-this is one of the few fandom faves i can get behind. i know its got that early era cliche of commitment phobe!louis but i really love hl’s relationship in this, and how harry comes to terms w his sexuality via making out w louis tomlinson like 500 times. plus the scene in the club where louis, uh, helps harry out just…GETS me, yknow? 

some things take root by navigator/quitter (50k) *

AU. Louis’ ex doesn’t get jealous of anyone besides Harry. Harry helps Louis use that to his advantage.

-pleasepleplalspelplseease. literally navigator can end me. this is THE fake relationship au yall, like, any fanart of hl making out near a bar gives me flashbacks to this fic. read it

keep yourself warm by navigator (20k)

AU. Harry sleeps around.

-this fic is really nice and oddly comforting, like, i just love the pining and the angst. its so !!!! 

with love comes strange currencies by mediaville (16k) *

One day One Direction will be over and Louis won’t be around Harry every waking moment. He’ll be able to finally get some space, let their bond dissipate as it’s bound to do, if they don’t mess up again. He can move to Costa Rica and forget that Harry Styles popped his first knot inside him. Until then, he’s going to have to deal with this.

or, They’re Accidentally Mated and Dealing With It Rather Badly.

-i con ic. listen, i have nothing against abo but im just .. not rly into it. however, THIS is the first abo fic i read and the only one i ever loved. like just the whole accidental mating and how it draws them to each other even tho its quite inconvenient, and how h takes cares of l when hes sick, i just..gotta go 

covered in lines (series) by mentalistecbm (24k)

He likes to imagine that he’s always aware of Harry’s eyes on him, but the spark that flashes across his body at how often Harry licks his lips while looking at his throat doesn’t feel like something he’s explicitly and consciously acknowledged before, but it feels familiar. Usual. Right.

(Louis is human, and Harry is lucky enough to be his vampire boyfriend.)

-noah fence but this is,,,, essentially twilight in au form, minus love triangles and werewolves. actually its completely different lmao, who am i, but the overall atmosphere and the vampire dynamics rly reminded me of it. i mean it in the best way!!! its so good, and anything involving dr*nking has me on the floor

weird honey by orphan_account (5k)

~staying up all night, talking blasphemous ash, weird honey~ 

(PWP where Harry is not 100% at home in his body and he and Louis use a sex toy to help work through the problem)

-this fic is soft and nice and makes me feel warm inside so highly recommend

who painted the moon black by throughthedark (95k) *

“People died,” Harry whispers so quietly Louis strains to hear. “People died, and I killed some of them. How does life just go on after something like that?”

Louis shakes his head. “I don’t know. It just does.”

Hunger Games AU where Louis Tomlinson is district six’s victor from the 69th Hunger Games and Harry Styles is district seven’s victor from the 72nd Hunger Games.

-listen. i do NOT want to talk about it. (ps harry throwing axes on the bbc literally  took me out by the knees bc of this fic)

one more for the stars by imsosorry (16k)

It’s different, and Louis knows that, because Harry’s got so much riding on this - a career and a future and his whole life. There’s talk of him going first overall in the draft, of entering the NFL after only two years in college, of going to New York or Seattle or Green Bay, and Louis wants to be there for him, wants to support him and help him make decisions, but he also kind of wants to pin him to the bed and cry and scream, What about me what about me what about me?

(au. Harry’s the star quarterback and Louis is about to graduate. It’s a heartbreak waiting to happen.)

-i think i mentioned before that sports au have me on the floor and this is no excpetion 

you and me were kings by ithacas (28k) *

harry plays football in a small town in west texas. louis might be the only person that doesn’t give a damn. au.

-another football au, this one with the added beauty of being set in southern us. im such a sucker for southern aus, mannnn, and this one is so soft and beautiful

hold onto your stars by vashtaneradas (16k) *

au; harry’s in the army, louis’ back home, and ninety days is a lifetime.

-are u srs????? this is another hazy may except…….Worse. like, im still working out the science of it but im pretty sure this killed me and brought me back to life just so i could suffer the pain of it forever. (nobody dies tho)

makes perfect by checkthemargins (8k)

“What if you practiced on like, a mannequin?” Louis presses. “Or one of those blow up sex dolls? Or even just like, I don’t know, a pillow or something. Whatever it’d fit around.”

Harry tilts his head thoughtfully, curls catching the light so entrancingly that Louis finds himself reaching up to push his fingers through them. “It’s different, though, innit? When it’s a real person. A pillow won’t snog me.”

“Why should it?” says Louis. “You can’t even take its bra off.”

hmmmm. hmmmmmmmm. im jus gonna leave this here,,,,,,,,,

all the diamonds you have here by vashtaneradas (21k) 

it hits louis now, how fucking close to the precipice they’re standing. 

or, an au feat. investment banking and children.

-its #confirmed that anything by vashtaneradas is guaranteed to be painful as hell. who said there cant be soul crushing angst in marriage/kid fics too ! 

wild and unruly by @100percentsassy/gloria_andrews (123k) *

Harry is a cowboy sitting on the biggest oil reservoir in Wyoming, and Louis is the paralegal assigned to pressure him into selling his land.

-ending this with a classic. i trust that everyone has read this masterpiece already and that i dont have to say anything about it other than w o w 

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tis all for now! happy reading and pleaseee feel free to yell @ me about these fics if you liked them as much as i did!!