#i havent thought abt this guy in ages i miss him

[ariapmdeol]

sent this at the speed of light. ranmaru kageyama from yttd bela lugosi is dead

We're gonna win, aren't we...?

[thecringefailintherye]

Oliver! (1968) Live (re) watch!

i have already seen oliver!, but not in ages, so i decided to watch it again, enjoy

very long post warning

fuckin hell these opening credits are LONG

i love the fact instrumentals of songs in the movie are playing

i have chocolate popcorn, apple lucozade and oliver! on, life is good

yes i know mark lester is oliver ive seen this like 20 times can i watch the film now

OH ABOUT FUCKING TIME

god is love

IS IT WORTH THE WAITING FOR IF WE LIVE TILL 84 ALL WE EVER GET IS GRUELL

i forgot how much of a banger food glorious food is

LOOK AT BABY MARK LESTER 🥺🥺🥺

ads in middle of movie be like

its harry secombe!

AMENNNN

oliver gets bullied the movie

look at this poor kid

MOREE????????

oh yes oliver i love this song

O L I V E R

poor kid

without any bannister yikes

the one who named him........O-L-IV-ERRR

oh were outside now

olivers just been kicked out oh shit

but on the plus side he has a cute ass hat on

BOY FOR SAY AL

look at oliver 🥺 he deserves better

SOWERBERRY MORE LIKE SHITTERBERRY

theres a severe lack of thats your funeral and i shall scream

noah claypole more like noah clayprick

“perhaps... if i had a tall hat?” BABEY

HES GOT HIS TALL HAT ON YES OLIVER

oliver said dab on them haters from your old gaff youre a funeral advisor now and theyre still homeless

DONT INSULT HIS MUM FUCK YOU NOAH

YES OLIVER KILL HIM

yes stuff the nine year old in a coffin and sit on it well done

"OLIVAH ??" "Yes im here: ((("

ITS MEAT!

oliver deserves better man 

im gonna cry and were like 25 minutes in.

ik its not mark singing but whoever it is CAN SING WTF

i want to give him a hug

OH SHIT HES RUNNING AWAY

hes in the lettuce

LONDON YOU MADE IT !

yes oliver trains exist

DODGER!!!

whach you starin at aint ya ever seen a toff

the beak

look at lil jack wild

me more hintimate friends

cockney accent™️

the artful dodga

CONSIDERR YOURSSELF AT HOEME COSNIDER YOURSWLF OEN OF THE FAMILY !!!!!!!!!!

im sorry i love this song

look this scene is awesome, but it would be COMPLETE with charley oh wait he was demoted to extra and everything interesting abt him was given to dodger

he should have gotten the nobody tries to be ladeeda or uppity bit I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

this cast is BIG

okay i am a Charger Enthusiast but do we all agree there is something oddly homosexual about oliver and dodger in this song

note how dodger is scared of the police FORESHADOWING

ive taken to this SO STRONGITSCLEARWEREGOINGTOGETALONG

how many extras is this ???? yall better be gettin paid

its dodga comin up

this set is sraight out of the book i love it

CHARLEY MATE IM SORRY THEY MADE YOU AN EXTRA 

“oh not again” does dodger just always show up with random workhouse kids 

ah yes fagin the character whos still a negative jewish stereotype

more and more big cast

THESE SAUSAGES ARE MOULDY! (am i going to freak out whenever charley does anything because i love him? yes)

stfu drink your gin

is this a laundry?? no fam 

THE BEST FUCKING SONG IN THIS MUSICAL

IN THIS LIFE ONE THING COUNTS

sorry if i dont add to this until pick a pocket or two is done bc its a straight banger

this song is EVERYTHING 

hard at work lol ok

did he make those himself??? no

couple a wipes

EMBROIDERED THEM??? no

petition for all oliver twist adaptations to refer to charley as master bates like the book and for him to have actual lines and not have his actor switched at least three times

i dont even now who charley is at this point because his actor is switched many a time im just gonna say purple blazer kid is charley

anyway charley bates supremacy

whos bill sikes??? NO

fuck bill all my homies hate bill

rum tum tum is a banger

go bed now

take your hat off in bed dodger

movie fagin has rights

fagin leaving where will he go

BET IS THAT YOU

FUCK OFF BILL NO ONE LIKES YOU 

NANCY NANCY HES HERE !!!!!! bet deserves everything and more ily 💖

NANCYYYY!!!!!!

its a fine life more like its a banger

wheres all of bets lines gone

bet 🤝 charley (being demoted to extras)

its not funny anyore bet.. bet girl please sing youre the best fucking thing about this song

such a happy song about domestic abuse

THERE SHE IS THATS MY GIRL BET I FUCKING LOVE YOU

bullsye rights!

i hate how this movie made fagin more symathetic but he’s still a “greedy jew” stereotype

oliver?????

at this moment fagin knew he fucked up

nancy you deserve better than bill

oh hi dodger forgot you existed

and the rest of you except oliver

ah yes charley “sausages” bates i missed you

THESE FUCKING KIDS THEY ALL LOVE BET AND NANCY MY HEART

im a regular gent i am. no dodger you arent

why is “permit me to assist you across the road” so fucking funny

pov dodgers back on his bullshit so you have to pretend to be a horse and cart for him

not “sir artful” 😭😭😭

anyfink for youu

WHAT FISTICUFFS???!!!

i feel sorry for the child extras man theyve prob had to film this scene like ten times

THESE KIDS CAN SING

 the boys dancing with eachother is too fucking wholesome i love this

again, movie fagin rights

weed riissk lifee and limmbb

you promised we could go see the angin!!!!!

ats on boys time were off

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG

HOW COULD WE LET HOW COULD WE FORGET OUR DEAR OLD FAGIN WORRY!!

mate that aint single file did you not hear him

am i the only one who can hear london bridge is falling down in the back??

our pockets hold a watch of gold that chimes upon the hour!!! a wallet fat an old mans hat!!! the jewels from the tower!!!

WE KNOW THE NOSEY POLICEMEENNNN

dodger and charley (i am SURE charley is purple blazer kid even if havent seen this film in ages) are GETTING INTO THIS

oliver 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

movie fagin rights pt 27238227

DODGER OLIVER COME ON!!!!!!!!! alright dude chill

ARE YALL SEEING THIS SHIT, I WAS RIGHT, I TOLD YOU THAT THE LAD IN THE PURPLE BLAZER WHO SINGS “a wallet fat an old mans hat” WAS CHARLEY BATES AND GUESS WHAT HE FUCKING IS. I WAS RIGHT, PURPLE BLAZER KID IS CHARLEY YOU CAN LEAVE NOW

no dont were only an hour in

three kids on the back of the omnibus what will they do

dodger and charley said be gay do crimes

ah shit now look what youve gotten us into dodger

IT WASNT EVEN OLIVER IT WAS CHARLEY AND DODGER GO AFTER THEM

are dodger and charley straight up framing oliver for a crime they commited while also helping him escape

yes they are why are we surprised 

i hate to break it to you dodger but hiding oliver in a meat sack doesnt work

OLIVERS ON THE ROOF????

charley and dodger got oliver into this mess and they are not going to get him out

WHY DIDNT YOU LOOK AFTER HIM????? right calm down fagin

how could i help it :((((

no bill!

stan nancy

“two other boys stole it” no shit

BROWNLOW !

run bitch run

right intermission time now

AND WE’RE BACK!

entr acte

who will buyyy

strawberry girl is carrying this

oliver owns my heart pt 278983728938728

this is a banger wtf

okay its done now right

right?????

UHH BILL???? DODGER???? BITCH WHY TF ARE YOU HERE

have bill fagin nancy and the boys been stalking oliver???

NO SHE WONT FAGIN!

shit.

fuck bill

this scene is far more sadder when you think of how the boys have just seen the only woman they see as a mother figure been hit to the flo or, im not crying, you are

as long as he needs me :(

FUCK YOU BILL

rose maylie is that you?!

look at lil oliver!!

BILL FUCK OFF

i hate bill

“look at his togs! he’s got books too!” charley and dodger are my emotional support kids

anyway have i mentioned i hate bill, bc i hate bill.

I REALLY REALLY HATE BILL

even fagin aka the guy whos keeping these kids as pickpockets has more morals than bill

WE STAY CALM!!

no bill i havent heard a dying chicken

act one was just childish antics now we have THIS

fuck bill

YOURE TELLING ME THE BOYS WATCHED THAT????

jack wild is a banging actor. he genuinely looks terrified 🥺 

this film.. 

a mans got a heart hasnt he?? yes you do!!!

a full song dedicated to movie fagin rights?? did i ghostwrite this?? probably

banger

ithinkidbetterthinkitoutagain!

villains theives and nine year olds

MR BUMBLE?????!!!!!!!!!!

fuck bill pt72898376728909878199

bill youre traumatising him

cmon nance do something!!

also completely forgot abt this but uh does monks exist in this i forgot bc we have had no mentions of him yet

nancy tell him who bill is!!!

bullseye deserves better

uhm what is going on

bill sikes more like bill yikes

oliver what are you doing

BILL TERRIFIES ME

FUCK

omg oom pah pah????

leave oliver alone bill hes like nine

oh banger

OOM PAH PAH THATS HOW IT GOES!!!!!!!!!

just asking are nancy and bet lesbians bc they look it

COULD IT BE OOM PAH PAHHHHHH

god i love this song

IT SHOOOOOWSSSSSS

its the same oom pah pah

“She was from the country but now shes up a gumtree she let a fella feed her then lead her a long” foreshadowiinnggg

OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH!

nancy is so fucking smart

getting the whole pub singing and dancing to smuggle out oliver? clever

fuck

bill.. no.. bill.. bill????

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKC

BILL GET OFF HER

NANCY NO

HE STRAIGHT UP COMMIT MURDER AGAINST THE NICEST CHARACTER

BROWNLOW DO YOU NOT HEAR NOTHING

nancy deserved a better death than to be killed by bill fuck bill

EVEN BULLSEYE HATES YOU BILL

ARE THEY ACCUSING BULLSEYE OF MURDER

FUCK YOU BILL

movie fagin rights + fuck bill combo?

youre telling me fagin had an ESCAPE ROUTE??? AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HOUSE THING??? THE WHOLE TIME???

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD

BILL

fuck, well. #

“WHAT DO I DO!?” “LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME, DODGE ABOUT”

ten quid says dodgers been caught

oh no all fagins shit is gone

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD PT 2

FUCK YOU BILL

GOD I HATE HIM

OLIVER MATE ARE YOU OK

never have i been so happy to see a character die

rest in shit bill

hi dodger thought you got caught n went to australia 

god, this film is so fucking good.

reviewing the situation 2.0 goes hard

MOVIE. FAGIN. RIGHTS!

FAGIN YOU CAN BE A GOOD MAN YOU KNOW YOU CAN

DODGER??????????

IM TOTALLY NOT CRYING RN

FAGIN NO DONT TAKE IT

FUCKING PLOTTWIST

IT MADE IT LOOK LIKE FAGIN WAS GONNA GIVE THE WALLET BACK TO DODGER BUT NO

once the villain you’re the villain to the end

i completely forgot abt this scene since i’ve been reading the oliver twist book and in that dodger gets arrested and fagin gets hanged but here they get away?

god this is bittersweet

I THINK WE’D OUGHT TO THINK IT OUT AGAIN!!!!!

thats where the film should have ended, i get olivers the main character but it ending on dodger and fagin walking out into the sunset is such a pleasing ending man

oliver gets his happy ending abt time

YES CONSIDER YOURSELF AND BE BACK SOON (THE BIGGEST BANGERS IN THE FILM) CREDITS SONGS!!

well.. that was a journey and half

[skizmin]

minghao!soulmate au

prompt: if someone touches you, your soulmate feels warm where you’ve been touched and can sense how you feel about the contact (uncomfortable, calm etc;)

genre: fluff soooo much fluff, soulmates!au, very very brief and vague ment of sexual harassment its tiny pls dont be put off, college!au

a/n: hey minghao, i miss you, please rest lots and become healthy for seventeens next comeback!!

okay so

throughout your younger years youve never really paid much attention to your soulmate, ofc your parents told you when you were about four that the weird warm things you were feeling was your “one true love that you’ll meet later” and whatnot

i mean of course youd chuckle sometimes when your cheeks got all warm and an annoyed feeling fleetingly passed through you knowing your soulmate must be being coddled by one of his aunts or smth 

but other than that

you just went on with your life

it wasnt until you were sixteen did you start paying more attention to it

sometimes youd get a bit worried when youd feel a warm spot on your arm and a surge of slight anger in your heart but it was always quickly replaced by happiness

you knew it was his friends hitting him by then so you just chilled tf

even when you felt your ass became VERY warm, you felt the same anger/happiness flow through your body so you just shook the fact that your soulmates ass just got BEAt off and continued what you were doing. 

youll have junhui to thank for that later

so by the time you were going into university you had become very aware of the fact that your soulmate was barely ever getting hugs anymore

and you just :^((( poor bby

and an idea popped into your head like !!!

my soulmate feels warm when i get hugged akdfksjla

instantly you were like IM GONNA HUG EVERYONE!!!!! EVEN IF ITS AWKWARD

so like, first day on campus housing grounds you found your dorm house and with that your RA housemate

she was cool and you where like hhhhhhh

i barely know you but

i have this duty of care for my soulmate so im just gonna

and you hugged her rly big and you felt uncomfortable at first but also so proud of yourself like wow

get you a girl like me ;^))

anyway your housemate is like “oooooookay, this is your room here and its just us and three others who’re already here”

youre awkwardly like cool okay see u later

amd ur blushing rly hard but hey at least you did it

anyway fast forward a couple weeks and youre like hugging all your new friends everytime you see them and theyre like wow shes clingy but they still luv you

and youre!!

so!!

comfortable!!

abt doing it now like “hey hugs????? hugs are my shit.” ya feel?

cut over to minghao whos going to the same university as you with junhui

they both moved from china and minghao misses his fam so much :^(((

particuarly his mums hugs which he got all the time and sometimes he thought it was annoying but now hes like hhhh

MUM BRING ME BACK

minghaos mum was also rly open about haos soulmate and loved hearing about her

like one day hao came home (age 18???) fuming bc he felt his chest get warm in class and then his butt and a really strong feeling of fear and uncomfort and disgust filled him and he immediately knew what happened but he didnt feel anything else after that and he was so glad but still and his mum was like hao that happens to girls :^((( im sorry your soulmate must feel awful rn 

and hao felt sick in his stomach and he was like “im gonna kill anyone that does that to my soulmate again mum !!!!!!!!

and his mum was so proud

anyway hes almost fluent in korean by now and luckily junhui is good at making friends and found some that speak madarin and korean too so!!

their new friend jackson and some others are constantly with hao and hui being like “no that means square, this is how you say suspense” n shit

and hao learnt rly easily!! so did hui!! anyway

lately hao has been feeling his soulmate hug a lot of people lately and hed be rly happy except hes sorta 

“is my soulmate dating someone rn?? :^((” 

and hed remind himself you can date whoever you want before you meet him 

but hed still be all emo bc he wants love too and he misses his family and hes in a foreign country and hes failing one of his subjects bc how is he supposed to know all the non latin korean terms for all the flowers and plants they get pop quizzes on

and he just wants to hurry up and meet you bc hes all 

“everythings gonna be fine when i meet my soulmate!!!!!! theyre gonna make everything perfect for me!!!!!”

like, hao sweetie

calm down

but he’d be so determined like legit whenever junhui was with him and they were around people he’d be like JUNHUI TOUCH MY ARM

and he’d look around frantically for someone being like “tf my arm is warm gosh dang wonder what my soulmates up to lol” but he’d be a bit disappointed every time.

anyway tho so jackson invites him and junhui to his friend jaes party after teaching them all the korean slang shit

legit hes like

“guys. i think youre ready for your first party”

junhui nearly cries

little does he know youre??? invited to the same one by your housemate jimin (jyp gang here we go)

anyway you go to the party and are determined like legit hugging everyone you meet and jimins next to you like

im rly sorry about her dont ask

and minghaos in the kitchen like!!!! wth my soulmate keeps hugging people junhui smh smh 

he’s slightly buzzed and hella jealous

anyway he goes to the loungeroom for a sec to find his friend sicheng who just messaged that he was here 

and wow best luck ever you walk up to junhui and jae and meet them both!! youre all 

JAEE THANKS FOR HAVING THIS PARTY IM Y/N and you give him the biggest hug and then you turn to junhui whos all

hi im junhui

and smiling awkwardly and youre like

NICE TO MEET YOU!!!!!

and give him an even bigger hug than you gave jae and jae and jimin are watching you like wtf and junhuis like awkwardly patting your back and IN COMES MINGHAO WHOS GETTING SICHENG A DRINK

hes like jeSuS chRiSt how many time does she have to hug her s/o in the span of an hour!!!!!!!!

and he feels random extra warmth spurt on his back and hes like what sort bf/gf pats their s/os back lmao and then he seens you hugging junhui and he like

pauses for a second 

then hes like haha gtta be a coincidence that i can see a georgeous random stranger hugging my best friend in the same way i can feel my soulmate hugging someone rn

amd junui sees hao and a wave of relief passes over him and he grabs your shoulders and pushes you away like

MINGHAO HEY!!

and you turn around as junhuis like “this is y/n, friend of a friend of jacksons ad jaes”

and minghaos like HOLY SHIT I FELT THAT MY SHOULDERS JUST GREW WARM

and then you meet eyes with the most goRGEOUS boy youve ever seen like HOW can someone look like that

and as soon as you meet eyes your body just gets soWARM and your heart like

fuckin swells and shit

and youre like ohmygodohmygod whats happening

and hes looking at you with the widest eyes ever and everyones like “wow they must find each other pretty hot theyre just staring at each other”

and suddenly minghao grabs sichengs hand and just places it on his chest and sichengs like wtf no homo

and you feel warmth on your chest and a surge of shock, excitement and hopefulness rush through your blood but the first thing you say is

WTF YOU PERV as youre grabbing your chest and junhui finally catches on and walks up and pokes you in the stomach and you yelp and minghao just touches the warm spot on his stomach and smiles SO wide

he legit runs up to you like OHMYGOD YOURE MY SOULMATE TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IVE DREAMT OF MEETING YOU MY WHOLE LIFE 

and he goes to hug you but stops himself

by now everyones gone to give you some privacy 

and youre like wot!!!!! hug me!!!!!!

but he just says “dont you have a partner?? im not doing anything with you until you and them break up” he ain no homewrecker sweeties no cheating in this household

and youre just like

????????? what ?????????

“youre always hugging your partner!! its hard not t notice, youre so proud after too :^(((”

and you start laughing

hes just pouting at you like whattttttttttttt

you say in between laughs

im hugging people for you!!! you havent been getting hugs lately, and i like it when you get hugs i love the feeling so i thought id hug a bunch of people so you could feel warm anf fuzzy inside!!!

he looks at you like,,,,,, oh,,,,,,

and then he swoops you into the biggest bear hug ever and you feel warm and fuzzy except its not the same. it feels so

so real??????

you almost start crying and then he pulls away looking teary eyed too

“y/n was it??? im minghao. and im looking forward to hugging you and being with you for the rest of my life.”

youve never smiled wider as you jumped into him and gave him your first kiss while thinking of how great your future was gonna be.

fin.

hope yall liked that shit!!!!!!

[whats-gotten-into-us]

you know what fuck it. im gonna use this as a weird diary of sorts. it's not gonna be updated every day but ill at least try and post some of my thoughts whenever i can. the loosest term of a vent blog i guess.

today was a bit uh. terrible. people wouldnt stop coming in and i could not catch a break, attending customer after customer with nearly no signs of stopping. at least there was enough time for me to go to the bathroom but even then it wasnt much. we also had the new guy take the front today as a sort of training and god. this is such a terrible start for him, considering that he was incredibly slow and needed guidance half the time AND just having a huge line of people? i feel so sorry for the poor guy. i snapped at him a couple of times throughout the day too and i feel bad abt it now.

i DO not feel bad for my manager though. she brought this upon herself for not hiring more people, since one of our guys quit for a better job, and two others went on a vacation for two weeks. a vacation that they have told the manager MONTHS BEFORE and reminded her of it every other week to drill in her head that they will be going away very soon. she didnt listen though. now were left with 5 people taking care of the store, not including the new guy and the manager since they both do barely anything. ugh.

my sister came to work just before i was done with my shift and told me to chill out, to not let my stress and anger reflect on my voice since my manager was already pissed at me for talking with bad manners at her. on one hand yeah sure i can see that, on the other. that's called internalising. and boy have i internalised things for so long. she also told me to go eat a pretzel at the mall and calm down. i wish i did eat that pretzel. im so hungry. i only ate a breakfast sandwich from starbucks (that i almost immediately shat out) and some nachos w avocado salsa. thats healthy right.

anyway. when i got out of work i wanted to cry so fucking badly. to the point where i was like. dissociating i think? i didnt really have any thoughts in my head and could barely tear my eyes away from the street while waiting for the bus. at one point i really 3anted to block all of my friends from discord and leave every single server and group and just. disappear from the earth. just for a little bit. i did leave one groupchat that my s/o and their friends were in but i quickly came back after an hour or two.

I was briefly brought down to earth by a nice old man in a wheelchair, also waiting for the bus. he came up to me and asked if i was okay bc i looked sad, and i just laughed it off and said that i was fine, that my face usually just looks sad, which is kind of true. he asked if i needed help, and i assured him that i didnt, that i was fine, but i know some place in me was saying that i really would have loved the help. he then continued to have a bit of small talk with me, asking how old i was, pointing at the graffiti on the floor and asking if i did that, to which i respond no, i would never do something like that, that vandalising wasnt my thing (though i have thought about it sometimes). he told me that he was 69 years old (nice), and compared both our ages, a 50 year gap between us. i joked that he looked pretty young for his age. he then told me "a 50 year gap between us. our lives are vastly different from each other because of our age. how much different is your life? how do you perceive life at the age you are now?" I'm paraphrasing of course. i didnt really have an answer for that, so instead i tried to pull something out of my ass, saying that i havent really thought about my life that much, that i only live in the moment and dont dwell in the past or the future, which is a blatant lie. i wanted to keep talking to him more, but my bus was right around the corner and i had to say goodbye to him. he was really nice. he made me think about my own life and how im managing through it. i think i miss him.

anyways i got home, took like a 30 minute nap and now im feeling a bit better.

im gonna go eat something now

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[uniformbravo]

“quick” life update while i wait for my ipod to charge

(do ppl even still use ipods in this day & age. whats spotify)

i never made any posts abt it but i started the new semester & im taking 2 classes, it’s funny actually bc i waited even more til the last minute than i usually do to figure out my classes & spent the 1st week of school trying to see a counselor to find out if i still needed classes and that’s a whole other story for a whole other day but long story short the answer was no but i decided to take a couple anyway

mainly because every time im not in school The Depression takes over & i just needed something to Do so im taking intermediate painting (even tho painting 1 made me want 2 die every day) and animation (even tho i’ve already decided i don’t want to be an animator????)

so heres the thing, okay, since these are classes i don’t need in order to fill any requirements or anything i had to pick them based on nothing, really, like my main reason for taking classes this semester was to give myself something to do, right. i picked painting because my friend had told me she was taking it so i was like yo i’ll just do that too bc we had fun last time & it’s a good way to stay in contact. originally that was gonna be my only class bc i knew it’d be a lot of work and time but then i talked to my school’s art counselor about transferring to another school after im graduated from here and i’d said i was maybe interested in storyboarding so we looked at schools with animation programs and i decided super last minute to just take the animation class here and Boy what a mistake

last semester i was talking on here about a computer art class i had considered taking but dropped bc it seemed kinda... shitty?? because i hated the way the teacher taught and i felt like i wasn’t gonna gain anything from the class??? well animation is taught by the same guy and hhhhhhhhh he’s so fucking unhelpful it’s such a nothing class

see i was hoping to learn some hand-drawn animation basics like timing, squash & stretch, the fucking bouncing ball assignment, shit like that, right. the teacher was like “today we’re gonna go over the 12 principles of animation” and i was like “sweet i’ve heard of that this’ll be good” & literally he brought up a list, read off most of the names, briefly described a few, and told us to google it if we wanted more info like?? holy shit dude????? thanks for nothing oh my god

i’ve been taking a lot of time practicing animating in flipnote studio on my 3ds and watching youtube videos and i’ve been learning so much more from that than anything explained by my teacher bc godddd. basically what the class boils down to is like. flash animation. so far we’ve been working in adobe illustrator and animate & i cannot stand illustrator. i know it’s a good and useful program and if i wanted to i could learn how to use it & eventually get used to it but just the way he teaches it makes me want 2 slam dunk my computer

the computer art basics class was strongly recommended to be taken before this class but tbh i don’t even think that’s the issue here because i tried to take that class and his method was the same; he does a demo on screen that you’re supposed to follow along and do with him and he explains what hes doing as he goes but he goes so fast that if u miss a step ur fucked 

and it’s not just that he goes fast, it’s also that theres no understanding of the program itself, like ok u know how in math there’s all these formulas where if u just plug numbers into them it gives u the right answer? i always understood formulas better when i knew what each variable stood for & why the values were being added or multiplied together because then it made it easier to extract the information i needed from word problems and also helped me memorize the formulas themselves easier because i could make those associations between numbers and purpose. i had the groundwork of the formula, so i could apply it to all kinds of situations

this class is like, he only gives you the very specific formulas required to accomplish very specific tasks in the programs so i can’t make the connections to figure out how to perform other tasks and i get super lost every time & it’s super frustrating & i could ask for help because he comes around and helps people who need it but i sit in the back corner so he never really even looks my way so i feel like i can’t get his attention w/o speaking up or getting up to go get him & i get lost so often that it’s really just a pain to ask him every single time

i just hate when i have a problem in one of the programs & i just have absolutely no clue how to fix it or even work around it? im used to photoshop and illustrator is just so opposite that my brain doesn’t want to work with it so im. 100% floundering in this class

we have 2 assignments during the whole semester, the first was a group project where we hand draw a 3-second animation (~30 frames) and that was literally the very first thing we did in the class with no prior guidance and honestly i suspect that the only reason he assigns it is to fill the requirement for a group project (which i know is a thing bc a lot of my past teachers have talked about it being a thing) so it was literally just. a nothing project

the second assignment is our final which is a 90-second animation (~1080 frames) and we have basically the rest of the semester to work on it, so about a month and a half-ish? and all we’ve learned how to do so far is motion tweening in animate, basically. i mean we did a ball-and-string thing which was kind of different but it mostly involved a lot of copy+paste bullshit in illustrator & also like automatic shortcuts & stuff, there was really no drawing involved at all

also it’s one of those classes where everyone just kind of messes around and does their own thing like?? i saw one girl reading manga on her computer & these two dudes at my table were comparing yugioh cards & i hear like 50 thousand conversations about anime every day & i mean im not one to talk tbh but it’s just the atmosphere, it feels like u either know what ur doing or u just fuck around w/ ur friends and im in the “neither of those” category and the girl who was reading manga is in the “both” category bc every other time i’ve looked over there she’s got this amazing masterpiece on her screen that she made in illustrator & i die inside every time what the fuckkc 

he showed us examples of final projects from last semester and i noticed that some of them were done traditionally or in programs that were obviously not illustrator so i asked him about it & he said it doesn’t have to be done in illustrator/animate as long as it’s 90 seconds long so Guess What i think i’m just gonna make it somewhere else lmaooo i mean i feel like it’s a missed opportunity bc i have these programs at my disposal & im not even using them but god amn. god fuckign damn

im thinking of animating it in flipnote bc that’s what i’ve been using & im pretty familiar with it by now but im not sure because there are some important things im not sure i’ll be able to accomplish with it like backgrounds (which are another requirement for the assignment) and i don’t want to back myself into a corner, especially with how little time i have to do it, so idk for sure. my other idea was to use clip studio paint but i have the pro version which only lets u use 24 frames per animation which totals out to a whopping 2 seconds so idk if i want to have to deal with that bullshit either. right now im considering making the rough animation in flipnote so i can figure out the timing & shit and then slapping it into clip studio to finalize everything (or technically i could even do that in photoshop, since im more familiar w/ it & can probably work faster there- from photoshop it’d be a matter of copying the finished frames into clip studio to export into 2-second clips & then compile those in movie maker & then bam finished animation)

so!!! it’s a lot of shit im dealing with in this class & im just like. if im doing it this way then why do i even need to show up for class. what am i even in this class for im just basically making an animation on my own time with my own resources using none of the techniques taught in the class. im only doing this animation because it’s an assignment for the class im not gaining anything from. it just seems so pointless & the only thing getting me through it is the thought that i could possibly put this in a portfolio somewhere down the line, and for that i’d want it to look nice and not rushed so im thinking that for the sake of finishing the assignment i might just use my rough animation so that i can spend more time on the “nice” version afterward

aaaanyway it’s um Late for me & i went on about this for too long but i needed to get it off my chest tbh, i’ve been thinking abt making this post for like 2 weeks so there u go. i didn’t even talk about my painting troubles good lord. if you’ve been wondering why i havent been online as much lately This is why. also bc im a huge loser and 100% of my free time has been going into watching anime bye

[catastropheinmotion]

Also, brief thought re:love stuff bc I've been writing a lot of romantical stuff n seeing things that make me emotional:

Genuinely,I just rlly want someone who'd love me. Sounds easy,right?

But not like how my stepdad loves my mom, or my grandad loved my gram. In both, it kinda wasnt healthy n went to shit in diff.ways that were just...rlly bad. Society influence of the 50/60s, then my stepdad being a toolfuck who thinks saying he'll change will be enough to get my mom back who's pissed for having to pretty much b@bysit him this long

To get,uh,n$4w for a sec bc gr3mlin brain mode kicked in, stuff down there wouldnt exactly be a factor in my partner of choosing bc dude. D u d e. I listen to audio by a l@dy & m e l t, but the idea of a g_y w/praise treating me like I want... u g h both r good, okay. I wont slap a label on anything bc I still havent d@ted yet and Imma wait til my head is less disastery for that.

Back to romanticals tho.

I want someone who sees me, n still...dunno, likes me after. Likes this weird fat pudgy guy who wants to grow out his hair to go full m.etalhead/rocker aesthetic, who laughs at rlly ridiculous shit n only knows outdated m3mes, has bags of pins n keeps waffling over what t@ttoo he wants.

Someone who doesnt make me feel bad for wanting to make stuff like my stepdad did w/my mom,or makes me feel like I should stop talking abt my interests bc nobody cares.

I want a n3rd who'll lay in bed with me,staring at the ceiling as B0w1e or J_d@as Pr13st plays on v1nyl,and we kinda talk quietly or just listen n start fallin asleep,n I wake up with my face in their shoulder or somethin.

Someone who I'd @dopt a dog with,play v1deo g@mes for bc I want to share the story w/them,someone who'd roll their eyes at all the blankets on the bed bc I like the weight n safety of them but still climb under anyways n hold me. End up super sweaty n hafta take a shower in the morning,but they do it bc they love me.

Fck,I rbed that one post of the guy like me n his bf n I just...I wanted to cry but couldnt bc my family was around,n my m@ knows but she still doesnt quite get it,n I want that someday! I wanna be happy! I wanna laugh w/someone abt ridiculous shit! I want a dog named M0rceau who's big n goofy,n love them to heck! I wanna make scarves for someone other than me,cook w/em,laugh when we mess up n order out instead.

Like I understand we'd argue,clash over things,but sometimes that happens! Wont gel all the time! I'm messy as heck, if they're rlly orderly we'd argue! But i'd accept that challenge! Gotta collaborate n not compromise, f_ckers!

Gimme someone I can watch M3tal0c@lypse with, &still watch Pr1scilla too. Where I go from c@mpy to d1ck jokes,bc I have layers n I want to laugh for different reasons sometimes. Someone I show my com1cs to,show them the ones that make my chest hurt,&they dont dismiss it bc they dont like c0mics or smthn.

I wouldnt expect them to like every single thing,but at least give some of them a try,y'know?

Agh this is a tr@inwreck long p0st. Whatever. Late night ramblings of a s@d tr@n$ guy, sleepin on a l0unge chair/ott0man thats uncomfortable as fuck n just... rlly wants to be outta here as a Strange Art Man already.

Frk,I miss pl@ying g- itar too, I wanna $erenade a n3rb,y"feel me? Be a d3bon@ir f-kr singin T M G or J P or sumthin romanticals bc I wanna do things again I havent in ages bc I was sc@red in diff.state w/step dsd around.

[pninaharchive]

Just one number? What if you answered them all? It will take a while, but time is just an illusion.

LMAO luv a challenge thank u 💐 read more bc it got long obviously

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

ahh okay well i think about who i am as a person and whether im good or bad and recently in my reflections i realized that i have control issues?? and how to work with that is confusing to me but

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

no lol

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

no unless it was interfering with our relationship somehow?

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

yes and no?? i dont really trust a lot of people but im very optimistic and idealistic and so i never assume the worst of people. like if someone lied to me i prob wouldnt assume so unless it was glaringly obvious

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

sleeping lmao

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

this would never happen in my life oh my god i plan too much to not have a dd and a charged phone w access to a gps 

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

break up w the person and prob not talk to them again

8: Are you close with your dad?

no i dont talk to him

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

i havent kissed anyone since 8th grade 

10: What are you listening to?

currently im watching ink master in the background but in terms of music ive been playing big thief’s masterpiece and diiv’s is the is are

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

water lmao

12: Do you like hickeys?

ive never had one so idk for sure but the idea of it isnt super appealing to me

13: What time do you go to bed?

anywhere between like 11 pm to????? 3 am but usually closer to 11 bc i cant sleep in 

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

every man in my life

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no not at all im so bad at 1 handed texting

16: Do you always answer your texts?

no LMAO unless its my mom or abby

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

i dont know that ive ever fallen before

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

an hour ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

abby and angel and my bunny

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

i dont remember i think i was thinking about tattoos

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

my brother

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

no there are plenty of shitty people who are doing just fine

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

noooooo way 

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no im kinda fine with the people i choose not to speak to 

25: In the past week, have you cried?

no

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

black

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

my last name is 9 letters long absolutely not

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

no

29: Do you have a best friend?

ya abby lmao love that bitch

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

no. see #9

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

angel

32: Are you mad at anyone?

always

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

see #30

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

see #33. probably 19 or 20 idk

35: How many more days until your birthday?

345

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

yes!!! im going to maine with my mom and her gf and abby soon and me and abby are gonna tear it up the rest of the summer.

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

i have no male friends currently

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

never

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i dont think so

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yes lmao see #34

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

absolutely especially when either of the people is below 20 or so

42: Are you available?

emotionally, romantically, and sexually yes

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

i feel like i feel strongly for most people i meet im not really a casual person

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

i kind of want to get my other nostril pierced??? other than that i think medusa piercings are really pretty

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

if both of the people are emotionally mature enough definitely

46: Do you regret anything?

most things

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

um ive been thinking abt my chronic illness lol bc i dont think im actively bleeding internally anymore but wondering how much blood ive lost bc ive been really exhausted and i think it might be anemia

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

every one except the ones i currently have

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

yes like see #40

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

i dont like anyone currently i wish i did

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

no

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

no oh my god see #49

53: What was the last thing you ate?

i just had some pasta

54: Did you get any compliments today?

i think someone said they liked my shoes

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

maine!!!

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

probably but i couldnt tell u for sure my dude

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

rhode island

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

sunday

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

no has anybody

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

no has anybody

62: Who do you text the most?

abby i guess?? i dont really text that much

63: What was the last movie you saw?

i watched young frankenstein but ive seen that before

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

dont have a gf

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

none lmao i was in like 7th grade

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

idfk see #52

67: Do you curse around your parents?

yeah

68: Are you happy with where you live?

not really i wish i was on my own in like europe or some shit

69: Picture of yourself?

check out my insta boiii

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

i think it depends on the other person?? i could be open to either i think

71: Have you ever been dumped?

no

72: What do you most like about making out?

passion

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

lets play a game called how many ways can i say im a virgin

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? 

i feel like this set of questions has something against me

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

i like!! tummies and legs

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

my mom probably

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

gOD

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

aoidsfkfkl

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

ummmmmmmm honest compliments and affection 

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

probably not right now bc im not ready or interested in kids but maybe someday 

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

a couple people 

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

not usually but i havent had a crush in a long time

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

what the fuck

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

prom last year

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

olive is my boo

86: How can I win your heart?

ugghgh idk openness and honesty, passion, similar interests, buying me flowers

87: What is your astrological sign?

gemini!!

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping

89: Do you cook?

yes i love cooking!!

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

no 

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

yes im such a fucking romantic

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

i think im a monogamous person but im?? also really flexible depending on the other person

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

idk im not picky ugh just 

cute

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

a new laptop and purse, money, cute gf 

95: Are you a player?

no im a pussy and also i love women

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

no god 

97: Are you a tease?

no

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

yes

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

no

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

yes omg definitely

101: Hugs or Kisses?

kisses!!!!

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

absolutely

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

gross

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

only if im interested in them tbh

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

no this hypothetical person sounds like a dick

106: Do you flirt a lot?

no

107: Your last kiss?

see #66

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

no its like every question is about kissing

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

asdfghj

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

barbie ferreira :(((((((((( 

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

no that would be too convenient

112: Does someone like you currently?

not that i know of

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

nope

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

serious relationships

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

no

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

who could say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!