#i havent posted a fic in approximately one thousand years lmao

[dorothygale]

in honor of us being fed today...

everything you want

Eddie finally admits how exhausted he is--in more ways than one. (Itty bitty 5x13 spec fic written but never posted. Obviously not canon compliant. Bon appetit.)

“Frank said I should practice being selfish.” Eddie’s voice shook as he stared at the wall. “But I think–I think some things are just… too much.”

“You deserve everything you want, Eds.”

“What if…” Eddie trailed off, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes.

Buck gently pulled Eddie’s right hand from his face, and didn’t let go. “What if what?” he asked softly.

Eddie still didn’t meet Buck’s gaze. “What if what I want is you?”

“I’m right here,” he assured Eddie with a twinge of uncertainty. “You’ve got me.”

“No, I don’t,” Eddie muttered as he jerked his hand out of Buck’s grasp.

Buck swallowed, searching Eddie’s face. “I don’t understand,” he mumbled.

Eddie suddenly stood, tossing the baseball bat to the side and letting it roll under the bed, though he barely noticed. “You do. You do. Don’t lie to me.”

Eddie seemed like he was ready to burst with nervous energy as he paced, fresh tears still on his cheek. Buck felt like he couldn’t possibly move even if he tried.

“Fine,” Eddie grumbled when Buck didn’t respond. “You want me to be selfish? I can be selfish. Don’t leave. Stay here tonight. With me. And Christopher.”

He stopped trying to wear a hole in the floor, though he’d barely started–he all but collapsed onto the bed, too exhausted to go on.

“I want you to leave your girlfriend for me. I want you to change your entire life for me. I want someone who’s not me to get Chris up in the morning and cook dinner and clean the fucking bathroom and I want a million other things that I have no right to ask for. And I know I’m way too messed up for this, and I want–” Eddie’s voice broke. “I want you to not care.”

Buck stared at Eddie with wide eyes. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he told himself to process faster. Eddie needs you. He felt like he was reading the same paragraph over and over, never really absorbing the words.

Eddie sucked in a breath, trying to find the right words to backtrack, but nothing made it from his brain to his tongue.

Buck was hit with a sudden, obvious clarity. The words he was desperately trying to read–it didn’t matter what they said. It was Eddie. He’d sign at the bottom of the page anyway.

“Okay.”

Eddie looked up, making eye contact for the first time since Buck had entered the apartment. “What?”

“Okay,” Buck repeated.