#i havent heard his voice in so long...(see: 15 days)

[masokawa]

I wish I could hand you the entire world.

From the smallest hut to the largest cathedral, I would work day and night to make sure it's all perfect for you.

I'd hand craft you a throne and sit at your feet, gazing into your eyes with nothing short of adoration. Waiting for you to bless my ears with your soft voice.

But, we are too far apart.

It's a cruel twist of fate, isn't it? I long to intertwine my hand with yours, to ruffle your hair, to hold you.

But I can't.

But one day, I will.

So will you wait for me, my muse? My sun, moon, and stars? I will hold you close one day. And when that day comes, I will place my heart into your hands.

You may do whatever you wish to it. I trust you.

(this post is written by a man and is about another man. please be normal.)

[trumanbluee]

if its not with you - matty healy

minors dni !! this is 17+ nsfw material !!

please reblog if you like it! ᡣ𐭩

content: matty's away on tour, and you miss each other dearly

word count: 1.7k

warnings: phone sex! established relationship, afab oc, lmk if i missed anything! xx

a/n: hi!!!! im so sorry i havent been active at all recently i've been super busy with schoolwork, here's part one of a two part thing i wrote a little while ago !!! love u <3333

She stirred as she felt her phone vibrate on the bed beside her. Eyes still shut, sleep glueing them together, she blindly felt around the bed for it, gripping it with her freshly manicured hand once she’d found it. 

Opening her eyes, she screwed her eyebrows together at the brightness of the screen, before the furrow quickly dissipated when she saw who’d disturbed her nap. Matty ❤️ was sprawled out on the top of her screen in bright white, and behind it a picture of her kissing him on the cheek, taken on their first date. Sitting up in the bed, she didn’t hesitate to accept the call. 

Instantly, she heard a tired, “Hey baby,” ring out from the other side of the phone. She smiled as she pictured him in bed, rubbing his eye sleepily as he held his phone to his ear. 

“Hi Matty,” she whispered through the phone, positioning her pillows at the head of her bed so she could sit back. “Did you just get back to your hotel?” 

“Yeah,” she heard a soft exhale followed by a sharp intake of breath. “Long day.” 

Her heart sank at the exhaustion that was so evident in his voice, and she just wished she was there with him. 

He’d been touring for 6 months now, and had been away for far too long. She missed him dearly, and these phone calls, that lasted no longer than 10-15 minutes at best, simply weren’t enough. 

She huffed, repositioning herself against her pillows before placing her phone back to her ear, “I’m sorry baby, I know you said you’d call but we don’t have to if you’re too tired. Just want you to take care of yourself, Matty.” 

She heard him shuffling against his sheets, and hoped he was getting comfortable in order to fall asleep. She loved the calls where he’d fall asleep on facetime whilst she worked, her camera roll full of screenshots he didn’t know she had, of his soft, relaxed face. 

He tutted, “Never, baby. Always wanna hear your voice after a long day. Just wish you were here instead of me havin’ to call ‘ya.”

She sighed, “I know babe, I miss you so much. When are you coming home again?” she asked, sure of the answer but wanting to hear the excitement in his tone as he said it.

“Three weeks, honey. Three weeks and then I’m never leavin’ you again.”

She laughed softly, “Yeah, I’m sure Jamie, the fans and the lads’d be happy to hear that. I can see the headlines now, ‘The 1975 breaks up because Matty refuses to ever leave his girlfriend again.’

She hears him chuckle down the phone, low and gruff, obviously strained and exhausted from the long day of rehearsals and performing. 

“I just hope that picture I sent you’s enough to tide you over for another three weeks, hon.” She said cheekily, tracing a finger up the exposed skin of her thigh, where her shorts had ridden up. 

She heard his breathe hitch slightly, and she imagined all the nights when he’d really missed her, where he’d pulled that picture up, probably saved in his ‘Baby ❤️’ album knowing him, and, laying amongst the soft white of the hotel bedding, shoved his hand into his boxers and tugged at his throbbing cock needily, until he came all over his hand. The thought made her ache, and she felt heat pooling between her thighs. 

He laughed softly, “Yeah baby, it’s been getting me through the nights. You look so sexy honey, all dressed up in pretty lingerie for me.”

She whined softly, “Fuck, miss you, Matty. S’not the same without you here.”

“S’not the same? How’s it not the same, baby?” He asked cockily, knowing in which direction she was trying to steer the conversation. 

She huffed, “Y’know what I mean.” 

He laughed softly, repositioning himself to lie further down the bed. “Humour me babe, tell me what’s not the same.” 

Having discarded her pyjama shorts, she lay with her head on the pillows, tracing lazy patterns along the soft skin of her thighs and stomach. “Fingers can’t reach all the spots you do, Matty. Need you here to help.” 

He tutted in faux sadness, “Oh my poor baby, let me see if I can help you now, huh? Why don’t you lie down on the bed and spread your legs for me, sweetheart.”

She obeyed, hurriedly pulling her favourite pair of underwear, light blue, adorned with yellow daisies, down her thighs, using her right foot to fling them somewhere in the room. 

“You good, honey? Lyin’ down f’me?” he asked, making sure she’d done what he had told her to. 

She hummed a yes, waiting to be given her next instructions. 

“Want you to start by playing with your clit a little bit, okay baby?

She quickly put her phone on speaker, laying it on the pillow beside where her head was propped up, before she snaked a hand down her body, moaning softly as her index finger began rubbing soft circles on her throbbing clit. 

“Good girl.” He spoke, slightly breathless. She could just make out the sound of him unbuckling his belt, making her thighs clench at the thought of him stroking his thick length. 

“Actually, baby, can you prop your phone up somewhere I’ll be able to see you? Can you do that, honey? 

She nodded, though she knew he couldn’t see her, and opted to prop her laptop up against the end of her bed, receiving a facetime request from Matty mere seconds later. Pressing ‘accept’ in record time, she scrambled to resume her previous position, being sure to spread her legs as wide as she could, just to make sure Matty could see as much of her as possible. 

Drawing lazy circles on her clit, the facetime finally connected, and she was met with Matty’s tired face, though she couldn’t tell if his eyes were hooded from sheer sleepiness, or horniness. Every thought wiped from her brain when he registered what was on the screen in front of him, flashing her a wide grin at the sight of her spread-legged for him. 

“Oh honey, such a good girl for me, doing what I tell you when I can’t even see it.”

She nodded, feeling her cunt get stickier as he watched her actions, speeding up slightly. 

“God, you’re gonna be the death of me sweetheart… Pussy’s so fucking pretty. Think you can fuck yourself with your fingers f’me now baby? Yeah?” He asked, though the questions were rhetorical. They were both well aware she would do just about anything and everything that he asked her to.  

However, she nodded nonetheless, looking at his pretty face on the screen in front of her as she brought the hand that wasn’t occupied with her clit down to tease her hole, swirling her index finger around the entrance teasingly. 

“Fuck, baby. S’that feel good? Huh?” He asked, though he received only soft moans and needy whines of his name in response, as she finally pushed a singular digit into her now soaking cunt. 

He threw his head back, eyebrows screwing together as he swiped a thumb across the head of his cock, smearing the pre-cum down the vein that ran along his length. Giving it three quick pumps, he began to slowly slide his fist up and down at the same time she pressed her fingers, having added a second not long after the first, into her tight pussy, a squelching sound reverberating from his laptop and around his hotel room. 

“Fuck,” He said breathlessly, “Such a good girl, baby. Takin’ those fingers so well f’me. Miss you so much, wish I was there with you right now honey.” He rambled, fist pumping his cock quicker now, as she slammed her fingers into her hole, right hand rapidly swiping across her clit as you brought yourself closer and closer to her orgasm, with Matty coaching her through it. 

“M-matty, feels so good!” She stuttered out, head thrown back against her pillows as her orgasm got closer and closer. 

He groaned as he watched her, fighting the urge to squeeze his eyes shut in pleasure as he fisted his slick length. 

“C’mon baby, you - fuck, you’ve got it baby. Can you cum f’me? “He spoke, though he had to try his hardest to speak in a way that was understandable, eyebrows furrowing as his orgasm approached alongside hers. 

“F-fuck!” She moaned, legs clenching together around her hands as she came, body jolting. Almost as though the two are connected, Matty’s body tightens, and thick ropes of cum decorate his lower stomach as he groans loudly, head thrown back against his pillows. 

Silence filled both rooms, with nothing but heavy breathes from both sides of the room to fill it. Her chest rises rapidly, hair sticking to her forehead. She reaches down, still silent, and fishes her laptop from the bottom of the bed, placing it on the side of the bed that Matty would usually occupy. Turning on her side to face the computer, she sees that he’s had the same idea, and is now lying beneath the duvet, curls messy and out of place, hooded eyes staring back at her through the screen. 

She smiles sleepily, though it’s midday for her and night-time for him; her sleep schedule had been messed up by consequence of her trying to catch his shows via livestream. He smiles back, eyes lidded and eyebrows relaxed. 

“I love you, baby.” He says, eyebrows lifted, softening his fatigued features, before he smiles cheekily. “See, all you needed was a bit of help, huh honey?” 

This causes her to laugh softly, head turning into her pillow to muffle the sound. She shrugs the best she can in her position, “I love you too Matty. Would’ve been better with the real thing here though.”

His eyebrows furrow slightly at this, as if reminded of the fact that he’s looking at her through a screen, and she isn’t actually in his bed right now. 

“I know sweetheart, just three more weeks, yeah? We can do it, honey. We’ve gone this long.” Just then, he checks the time, mumbling a low “Shit”. “Sorry honey, I gotta go to sleep now. I love you, I’ll see you in three weeks.”

©trumanbluee - reblogs, comments, and likes are always appreciated! but i do not wish for my work to be republished, translated, or copied. thanks!

[deadandphilgames]

No but gamingmas/dnpg return has messed with me so much. I am litterally sitting here on the 12th of january going "why are they so quiet this is so unusual for them they are never this quiet" when in actual fact I have been in the phandom for 8 years and for half that time they would very commonly dissapear sometimes for months at a time. There was a point in time where we had not seen or heard from dan in 6 months. We analysed an reflection of him in an elevator for weeks. I still remember the euphoria of hearing a second long snippet of his voice during the steve the pigeon vet video. Yet here I am going "they havent spoken to us in like 15 days we've been abandoned we're never seeing them again😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭"

oh the elevator moment in the Steve video, the was a glorious day 🥲 yes i feel empty lately like there’s a part of my day missing. i was so fine with the waiting months for a sign of life before but they ruined that with their consistent uploads

[kikuneesama]

Ich habe 4.359 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

Das sind 761 more posts als 2021!

39 Einträge erstellt (1%)

4.320 Einträge gerebloggt (99%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@belladonnaboudreaux

@calamitaswrath

@marierclaire

@enevera

Ich habe 838 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#nart reblog spree – 9 Einträge

#yea – 8 Einträge

#jjk – 6 Einträge

#spy x family – 5 Einträge

#my god – 4 Einträge

#anyway – 4 Einträge

#honestly – 3 Einträge

#its true – 3 Einträge

#sigh – 3 Einträge

#oh god yea – 3 Einträge

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#accusing him of deflecting after you asked him if he wants to hear his best friends voice again like you dont u nderstand how grief works

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

#5

when you write one of your favourite ships and it does so poorly, not even as in people dont click it, no, they just dont like it apparently

4 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. August 2022

#4

I’m offering free fanfics in exchange for a donation to ukraine on my other blog and today after i handed one off the person literally went through my story and like marked it as if they were a teacher grading an essay

not only grammar mistakes or comma but also like “wrong word” and “i dont understant what you want to say with this”.

needless to say my confidence is crushed forever so thats fun

5 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 3. April 2022

#3

Happy birthday @enevera!! Here is a little something something, I hope you might like. I'm sorry I couldn't come up with anything cooler fsdklfsdaklf. I havent written in a while and idk with my brain yet. Anyway, wish you a great day and all good things. Sending hugs &lt;3

Uh, yeah, this is I guess Satoru x Suguru x Shouko .... maybe

2064 words

unedited because im lazy.

There is this certain type of cigarette smell that transforms Shouko back in time whenever she smells it. It does not matter where exactly she is, Tokyo’s main station, the narrow ways between the high rise buildings of Ropponing, the long way up the road to the school, if she just catches a whiff of that smell it is like she timewarped back to being a teenager.

Maybe that is why she stopped smoking those brands of cigarettes completely.

Once you enter adulthood, many people in the country start looking back at their childhood summers with this nostalgia for a time that seemed almost too perfect to be real. Anime, movies, music and tv often discuss these summers, the longing an adult feels for them and how a time like this would never happen ever again.

Shouko hated this. Summers were hot, summers were sweaty and overtly sunny and full of bugs and cicada noise. As a kid she would hide in the basement, and now, as an adult, she was doing much the same. 

Her childhood summer, the one she longs for, happened when started when she was 15. It lasted for much more than four years and it smelled of chewing gum, wooden rooms and menthol cigarettes.

Being a person who can see cursed spirits didn’t make you a popular student with the other kids in schools. So for her first 8 or so years in school, Shouko tried to stay out of everybody’s way. That didn’t mean they didn’t whisper about her behind her back, thinking her interest in medicine and especially forensic sciences were odd. Still, she didn’t have it as bad as other kids like her, she was not bullied, she was mostly just left alone.

It was good to be alone. She knew how to cope alone.

It was an unusually warm April day, the cherry blossoms just falling down the trees when Shouko entered Jujutsu High for the first time. She was almost sweating in the black new uniform with the long sleeves. She was greeted by the headmaster, introduced to her teacher and told that she’d share the year with two boys. She wasn’t very interested in them.

Shouko heard Gojo Satoru before she saw him. The corridor with the student rooms was full of the noise of his laughter. When he introduced himself to her, with that sly smile of his, and told her who he was, what significance he had, how he was going to be unbeatable, Shouko guessed and guessed right instantly, that he was overplaying.

That he was lonely was obvious, even if you couldn’t see his eyes.

Geto Suguru was a different kind of boy. He was quiet, an outsider and he knew it. He was friendly, always overly courteous. He inquired about her medical books and anatomy posters and overall did some friendly small talk. Shouko guessed that he too had been mostly alone and instead of becoming louder, like Satoru, had just quieted down more. 

All three of them were similar in that regard.

At first she thought she'd never like either of them very much. 

And so classes began.

Getting to know both of them was a slow but rewarding process. Shouko had been right about Satoru, he had been isolated from other people most of his life so far and craved human connections. He would come by her room even when she was studying, hanging on her bed throwing balls at the ceiling and down until she told him to leave.

Suguru turned out to be a real nerd. Super interesting and classic and modern Anime and Manga, though he hid his addiction well. In his room he kept most of his Manga volumes under his bed and in the corner, all neatly packed and dust free, as if they were porn magazines. But if he was asked about it, he would never stop talking. Shouko sometimes spent evenings with him just sitting side by side reading in comfortable silence.

She knew the boys were doing things together without her too. That they spent time with just the two of them. One time she opened the door to Satoru’s room for this and that and they were laying shoulder to shoulder on his bed. 

At the time she had no way to explain the stinging she felt at being excluded from the intimate moment.

They were a trio. Most first years came into the school in Trio’s or groups of four, but none were as close as the three of them. It was impossible to mention Suguru without mentioning Satoru and Shouko too. Triple S, the first years called them once they graduated to year two, and they meant it in annoyance and admiration.

That second spring, Shouko brought the menthol cigarettes for the first time. She ignored the “That’s bad for your health” and “those stink” comments from Satoru whenever she put on one, and his dramatically waving hands if it was around him. Smoking was nice and a stress relief and made her feel good.

Smoking wasn’t allowed in the dorms or through the open windows as the smell could seep into the furniture and curtains, so Shouko often had to go outside to have some. Either of the boys, sometimes both of them, often accompanied her then, even if Satoru often pulled a face.

The smell of the cigarettes seeped into all of them anyway, their hair, their clothes, their minds that summer, with so many things happening. Shouko was watching the boys grow from the sidelines. Her career path was different and so they were often separated. But before and after missions they’d still all sit together, outside, on porches or in gardens and on benches, talking, laughing and the smell of Shouko’s cigarettes were always there too.

Shouko loved both of them. Each in their own way, but at best together. In those times she used to think that if she’d be able to live with them side by side forever, she would never need to marry. They would be family enough.

Suguru could endlessly talk about manga he had bought, new shonen jump issues and anime adaptations, but it was Satoru who brought in the story that finally helped her figure her mind out. It was a Shoujo manga, something Suguru would never touch if he could help it. Satoru was raving about it, the story of a protagonist who couldn’t choose between two suitors. “She loves them both,” Satoru exclaimed. “So she can’t choose! It's incredibly exciting to read.”  

“You can’t love two people,” Shouko said in reflex, but took the books anyway. To humour him.

Amongst all the relatively standard romance and reverse-harem tropes Shouko actually did find the narrative pretty interesting. The lead character did love both boys very clearly and struggled to decide who to pursue. Didn’t help that both guys had different personality traits that fit neatly into hers, but none of them was perfect.

Vollständigen Eintrag ansehen

7 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 10. Oktober 2022

#2

alright @nyctibrae i continued f m a b (finally!) from the point we both stopped watching together which means episode 10 and my review for that one is: pain

get back for more reviews tomorrow

9 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 24. September 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

*slides into ur asks* Watching FMA I hear? 👀

Yes!! It is @foebito's favourite anime soooo we did the best trade deal of all the trade deals in history so I finally get to watch it :D I got to pick 4? Anime or so to match the runtime of FMAB which we will watch together (and 2 we already did and one halfway!) and we started FMAB... last week?

10 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. März 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

[katyasrussianaccent]

you’re so golden (corpse x reader)

Summary: You’re a faceless youtuber that sings cover songs. What happens when a certain faceless streamer slides into your DMs after you cover one of his songs?

Authors note: Part 3 whoop! I havent written fic in 3 years so Im hoping this is okay. Its about 4000 words, super long, sorry. I also dont play Among Us, but hopefully its not too obvious. Lemme know what you think!

You're nervous, though you aren’t quite sure why. The kind of nervousness that spreads to your feet, causing you to tap your toes against the side of your sofa.

Call you in 15. 

You look at the message again, staring at it till the screen goes blurry. Rubbing your eyes you exhale into the emptiness of your apartment; a feeble attempt at calming yourself down.

Logically it’s stupid to be nervous over a phone call. Logically you know that in the grand scheme of the universe, there are bigger things at hand. But you’re not a logical person, never have been. You’re all heart and emotion, both a blessing and a curse. There’s something intimate about a phone call, to have nothing but someone’s voice on the other end of the phone, talking to you and only you. It was a little scary; to think your purely online friendship with Corpse was going to be taken to a different level. You’re excited to think what that could mean.

“Fucking get it together,” you mutter to no-one as you exhale again, because there’s nothing else to do other than to wait and try to breath. There’s this frantic energy about you; like when you eat fizzy sweets, the flavour buzzing on your tongue. Your ancestors used to hunt wolves and here you were nervous over a single phone call.

The silence in your apartment’s too much now; too noisy. You grab your TV remote, clicking onto Spotify to find something. You’re scrolling so much, none of the artists feeling quite right for the moment before settling on Sufjan Stevens.

The dulcet tones fill the space, and for a brief second, you feel fine. You’re feeling relaxed and then your phone lights up.

Incoming Facetime Audio

“Fuckfuckfuckfuck” you say. Your face feels warm, your heart quickens in your chest. You could just ignore it, say you’re not feeling too good and that would be that, you wouldn’t have to do this. But it’s Corpse, you like Corpse and you’re kind of friends.

You swipe to accept the call, and press the button for speaker. 

“Hey,” you say, cringing at the meek tone your voice has taken on.

“Hey,” Corpse’s deep voice rumbles through your tiny speaker, distorting slightly and you press the volume button to turn it down a little.

There’s a beat of silence, a beat too long, and you already hate how awkward this is. You’re not great at social stuff, the concept of being a social butterfly is almost foreign to you. And it’s not because you dislike people, it’s just you hate this; the small talk, the awkwardness before you get comfortable and can hold an actual conversation.

You suddenly remember a tip from your customer service days. “How are you?” you ask, plastering on a grin so wide that it must look borderline demented. Thank god you’re single. 

“I’m okay thanks, how are you?” he asks.

You lounge back against the soft cushions of the sofa, lifting the phone up to your mouth as you do so. “I’m good, excited to be taught by the Among Us master.”

He snorts in disdain. “Hardly a master.” 

You chew your lip before you speak again, “I dunno, people on the internet think you’re pretty good.”

He snorts again, and you smile at the sound. It’s not something you’ve heard from him before, through your hours of watching his streams, you’ve become accustomed to his voice and the noises he makes. But this one seems to be new. And maybe it’s the weird, selfish part of you that likes to think he’s only ever made that sound for you. You shake the thought out of your head, because really? Getting happy over a snort is really such a ridiculous thing to do. 

“People on the internet say a lot of things.”

“True, but sometimes they speak the truth,” you reply, moving to get more comfortable; tucking your feet under your thighs. You wonder what he’s doing right now as he talks to you, is he sitting down? Or is he lying on his bed; his head propped up with pillows? There’s a brief flash of yearning, of wanting to be there in the same room as him, but it disappears as quickly as it appeared so you ignore it.

“Hm. We’ll agree to disagree.”

“Okay, you’re the boss Mr Husband.”

He chuckles softly, and again, you smile. You can feel yourself getting annoyed with yourself; you’re acting like a child with a crush; smiling at the phone. All you needed now was a notebook that had Mrs YN Husband written all over it.

“You know if you keep calling me that, we’re gonna have to get married,” he says, his voice a little lower than it was before. You blink and cock your head to the side, looking at an imaginary camera like you’re in The Office. Did you say that out loud? Is he...flirting with you? Sure, you’re flirty over Twitter, but it’s Twitter, Twitter isn’t real. There’s a fluttery feeling in your stomach at the mere prospect that he might actually be flirting with you.

“I’d be the best wife you could ever get,” you shoot back. There’s a brief second of silence before he answers, and you can hear shuffling on the other end. You want to ask what he’s doing, but you know it would break the conversation, and you’re curious to see where this goes.

“Oh really? And why’s that?” he asks, and you can picture the smirk in his voice. You have no idea what he looks like, no real care about it either, but you bet he’s got a beautiful smile. You bite your tongue before it tells him this, for once your brain actually works and stops you from making a fool out of yourself. It’s incredibly strange, how quickly he puts you at ease without a try, he’s just so naturally comforting. He’s not this flashy persona, he’s just a guy who likes to play video games and happens to be kinda good at them. And also has a voice that is literally like chocolate. Not just chocolate; dark chocolate. If dark chocolate could talk, it would sound like Corpse.

“Cos your girl can cook,” you say proudly, puffing out your chest a little. And that’s not a lie, you can cook. Okay, you’re not a Michelin starred chef, but you feel quite confident in the fact that Gordon Ramsey could eat your food, and probably (hopefully) wouldn’t scream that it was “fucking raw”. 

“And what would you cook for me?” he asks. 

You hum in thought for a second. “You’ll have to marry me first to find that out.”

He laughs, a proper laugh that settles in your stomach, spreading warmth through your chest. “I’ll think about it. I can hear music, what are you listening to?”

You straighten up a little, the question catching you off guard. You bite the inside of your cheek as you look at the song that’s playing. It’s not his type of music, you’re almost positive about that. You almost don’t want to tell him out of embarrassment. You’re not sure why you feel embarrassed; you know Corpse isn’t an asshole, he wouldn’t make fun of you. But music is so personal to you, so personal, it’s like baring a piece of your soul; which sounds so fucking cliche, but it’s true.

“Uhhh...It’s called Make out in My Car by Sufjan Stevens,” you reply.

He hums in affirmation. “It sounds nice; from what I can hear.”

“I can turn it up?” you ask, leaning forward to grab the remote off the coffee table.

“You could always sing some for me,” he offers. 

You laugh a little, scrunching up your nose. “And why would I do that?”

“I thought you wanted to get married. You have to woo me,” he replies.

“Woo you?” you ask, your tone incredulous. This isn’t how you pictured the conversation going.

“Yeah. Woo me, yn.” he says, dragging out the “o” causing you to laugh again.

You sigh dramatically. “I haven’t warmed up or anything, it’s gonna sound so bad” you warn as you put the song to the beginning.

“I’m sure you sound great. Go ahead, woo me.” 

You shake your head as you softly sing. “I'm not trying to go to bed with you, I just wanna make out in my car. And though I'm dying to fall in love with you, I just wanna make out in my car”. You stop and you’re suddenly very aware that you have essentially just serenaded him. Good going, brain.

It’s silent for a beat too long, and the smile that graced your lips starts to fade as the embarrassment starts to set in. 

“Well now we definitely have to get married,” he affirms. And there’s that fluttery feeling again.

You swallow, moving the conversation swiftly onto Among Us. You grab your laptop that was next to you, humming in acknowledgement as he walks you through downloading it. 

“So there’s a few of us joining us tonight, it should be really fun.”

“Oh. It’s not just us two?” you ask. You focus on the download, watching the number increase. You’re nervous at the prospect of playing with other people, strangers, for the first time. 

“No, it’s a 4 player minimum. We’re going to stream as well.”

“Corpse…” you start. You begin to pick at the skin around your nails, a habit you do whenever you get really anxious. This was meant to just be a cute moment where you learnt how to play a game, not a big event where people would be actually watching you, judging your every move.

“We’re going to do a few games off stream with you, you don’t need to be there for the stream after if you don’t want to,” he interrupts. 

“Okay,” you trail off, your teeth biting down on your bottom lip. You feel a little better, but not by much. You didn’t know who the other people were, what if they hated you? You ask this out loud.

“I’ll be there. You know Rae and Sykkuno. Felix, Sean and Toast will be there but they’re super nice, I promise.” His voice is sincere, and it soothes you. You don’t know him, not really know him, but you trust Corpse. You know he has his own struggles, and you believe his promise; he wouldn’t screw you over or put you in a situation you were uncomfortable with.

The rest of the call is him taking you through how to play and how to set up something called Proximity Chat so everyone can talk to each other in the game. He says it’s easier once you actually play, and it doesn’t sound particularly hard quite honestly, you just hope you don’t get imposter on the first try because you’re not the greatest liar. 

The game screen pops up, and you type in the code that Corpse gives you. You say goodbye to Corpse, who tells you to text him if you need any help. You drop into the game lobby, and you look at the little astronaut. There’s no time to dwell as a cacophony of voices hits you.

“YN!” Rae screeches and you chuckle at her enthusiasm. You’ve known Rae for a few years now, you met at college and had become fast friends. Though you had many different interests - gaming for one, you considered her your best friend. Rae was the type of friend where you didn’t need to talk every single day, you could message her a week later and it would be like no time had passed at all. And you loved that, sometimes you just didn’t want to talk to anyone. Sometimes your mood wasn’t the best, and you needed a little time to recharge. And she understood that, something that you were eternally grateful for. 

“Raebies!” you screech back, using your “pet” name for her.

“I’ve been trying to get you to play forever. But Mr Smooth Operator over there slides into your DMs and suddenly you’re a gamer now?”

“It sounds so sordid when you say it like that,” you reply.

“Hi yn! Glad to see you playing with us,” Sykkuno says. You greet him and the others, making sure to say hi to everyone in the game. You didn’t want to start off by being accidentally rude. You listen as everyone talks amongst each other, and you talk when spoken to, but you aren’t interjecting. It wasn’t anything against the other players, it was just a little overwhelming, and you were figuring out what everyone was like.

“Hello,” Corpse’s voice interrupts your train of thought and you greet him along with everyone else. 

“Aw, I wanted purple,” you say, frowning at Corpse’s name above the astronaut.

“We can switch,” he replies.

“No it’s o -” you start to speak before you realise he’s already switched to white. “Thank you, you didn’t have to.” You smile as you switch to purple, and you decide to add a flower for a little pizzazz.

“It’s your first game, I’ll kill you if I get imposter so it’ll even out,” he jokes and everyone laughs. The countdown begins and you puff your cheeks out, exhaling as it gets to 1. You’re nervous again, a seemingly common theme of the night. Your shoulders relax as the word CREWMATE flashes across the screen.

You watch as everyone but Corpse disperses from the cafeteria with haste, and you look at the keyboard to press the buttons to move.

“You ever see an old person text? That’s how I’m picturing you right now,” Corpse says as you walk together to Weapons.

“Shut up Sonny,” you reply in your best old woman voice, getting a laugh. You open up the task, shooting the Asteroids with ease. “Yay, I completed a task!”

“Good job,” Corpse replies, and you beam at the praise. You move down to o2, doing your task while Corpse does his.

“Wait, you could be imposter right? How would I know?” you ask as you walk together to Navigation.

“You wouldn’t, you just have to trust me,” he says, his voice full of charm.

You scowl. “Well that just makes me not want to trust you.” 

Before he replies, there’s a blaring alarm. DEAD BODY REPORTED. You blink at the suddenness; you were really enjoying the relaxing pace of the game. You look at the screen;  Felix has been killed.

“Who found the body?” Corpse asks.

“I did,” Rae answers. “I was in admin, and was going to lower engine and it was there in storage.”

“If you were in admin, why didn’t you go up through Cafeteria?” Toast asks.

“Because it’s quicker to go through storage,” Rae replies. They argue between themselves, and you listen intently and silently. It’s a lot of information, you can’t tell whose lying, but you guess that’s what makes a good player.

“Where were you yn?” Sean quizzes, and it takes you a second to realise you’re being spoken to.

“Oh. I was in um o2?”

“You don’t sound too sure there, pretty sus,” he says. Your face heats up a little, you’re not the imposter, but it feels like you are.

“She was in o2 and then we went to Navigation,” Corpse answers, and you breathe out as he takes on the interrogation.

“Oh you were together?” Rae asks, and you know that tone she’s got. It’s the tone that says she’ll be messaging you right away.

“Well yeah, it’s her first game, I’m not gonna leave her alone,” he says and you smile at that. 

“Yeah we’ve been together the whole time,” you add and it’s left at that. No-one votes anyone out, since no-ones really too suspicious. You carry on the game, and you find yourself really enjoying it, though the questioning part is kind of stressful. You can see why Corpse likes it so much, it’s really fun. You’re in electrical, humming as you do your task when Rae comes next to you. 

“Hey,” you greet her.

“I’m sorry, nothing personal,” she replies. Before you have a chance to say a word, she kills you and you look on in shock as your ghost floats above your body.  You listen into the meeting as Rae continues to lie and plead her case. She’s good, but Corpse knows better.

“Wait, you said you found her in electrical and you were where?” 

“I was in Upper Engine, and then I went to electrical to do my task,” Rae answers, her voice even and calm.

“I was in Lower Engine, and I didn’t see you,” Corpse says, and you grin at the fact Rae’s been found out. That’s what she gets for killing you.

“You were doing your task, I passed right by you,” Rae starts. She pleads her case, but it’s too late and she’s voted out.

“That was so much fun!” you declare. “I can see why you guys play it all the time.”

“Yes! We have converted another!” Felix shouts in victory.

“And all it took was Corpse,” Rae mutters sarcastically.

“Don’t get bitter Rachel, just get better,” you reply, causing the group to laugh.

You get the hang of it after a few games, and find yourself agreeing to stay while the others stream, though you decide against it yourself. You’ve only streamed once by yourself, and it was a very casual affair and you don’t want to feel too much pressure while you enjoy yourself. You know that Corpse gets nervous when he streams and he’s been doing it for so much longer, so you can only imagine how nervous you would be.

You tap your fingernails against the keyboard as the lobby counts down, any previous nerves have been replaced with excitement. 

IMPOSTER flashes across. You’re the only one, your astronaut looks lonely on the screen by itself, and the red letters almost taunt you. 

“Shit,” you mutter as your brain goes into overdrive. What was it Corpse had said before? Not to be too obvious. You don’t kill immediately, instead going at your previous pace to not look too suspicious. You were still fairly new to the game, and you were going to use that to your advantage.

You fake your task in Cafeteria before venting over to Navigation where Toast was.

“Hi Toast!” you greet, coming to stand next to him as you pretend you’re doing the task. 

“Oh hey yn,” he says. It doesn’t seem like he suspects you, and you’re not quite sure when to click the Kill button. You do it anyway before running out and going down and into shields. There’s adrenaline running through you as the dead body’s reported and you crack your knuckles before putting on your game face. You were going to play dumb, play the confused newbie - because to them, that’s what you were. 

“YN, where were you?” Corpse asks. Fuck. Maybe you weren’t going to get away with this.

You twiddle your hair as you draw out your words, playing the role perfectly. “Uhm I was in...shields? I think that’s what it’s called. I was in the cafeteria before that though.”

“Wait, you couldn’t have, I was in weapons. I would have seen you,” Sykkuno says.

You open your mouth to talk. “She could have vented,” Felix comments, and the rest of the group starts to agree.

“Guys, I don’t even know what venting is. I literally just started playing,” you point out, giggling.

“That’s true,” Rae agrees and you knew there was a reason you loved her.

“Bullshit! She’s playing you with her “oh I don’t know how to play” schtick,” Felix proclaims.

“Aw, that’s kind of rude, Felix. I’m just enjoying the game, doing the tasks,” you say, pouting a little. He’s the next on your list. 

Everyone skips the vote and you lean over your laptop, ready for the next round. You were going to win this. You kill Rae and Toast next, and yet again, manage to worm your way out of any suspicion. You can sense that Corpse and Felix are starting to get suspicious of you, and you know you need to bring out the big guns to throw them off.

You catch Sykkuno in Med Bay after checking the cams in Security.

“Hi yn!” he greets, and you almost feel guilty as you kill him. He’s so sweet and innocent, but unfortunately, casualties are a given. You pass Felix as he comes out of reactor and it’s only a matter of time before you’ll have to talk your way out of this one again.

“I passed yn as I came out of reactor,” Felix shouts with a hint of glee.

You roll your eyes; this is going to be tough. “Yeah I came from Upper Engine, I was finishing part 2 of a task.”

“I was in Electrical, where was the body?” Corpse asks.

“Med Bay. And the only one that could’ve been there was yn,” Felix starts.

“Well no, you could have passed me and killed Sykkuno then self reported,” you reply. “I think you can do that right?” 

Corpse hums in agreement. “Oh come on! She’s being really sus,” Felix argues.

“You are being a little sus yn,” Corpse comments.

“Corpse. You don’t really think it’s me do you?” You decide to lower your voice a little, your tone sweet but sultry. “You only taught me like an hour ago, there’s no way I’d be able to fool everybody so quickly.” You get close to the mic so it’s like you’re speaking only to Corpse. “Remember what I said? You’re a master at this.” You’re laying it on thick, and for a brief second you think you’ve been too over the top.

“This is difficult,” Corpse says, and you see the seconds count down, your heartbeat starts to quicken.

“Corpse, stop being a fucking simp and vote her out!” Felix demands.

“Corpsie baby,” you drawl out and you smile in success as you hear him sigh, almost shakily. You’ve got this in the bag. The victory screen flashes up and you cheer.

“Fuck yeah!” you shout, patting yourself on the back. You laugh as you exhale the breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Good game yn!” Sykkuno comments, the others agreeing.

“Not fair, you used your womanly wiles against Corpse,” Felix says.

“Gotta use them for something. Not my fault Corpse knows where his allegiance lies,” you reply laughing a little.

You stretch, your back crying out in pain from being hunched over so long. You let out a long, loud moan of relief as you straighten your spine, your shoulders relaxing as you move from side to side.

“Your mic’s not muted” Corpse points out, clearing his throat. You feel your stomach drop and your face instantly becomes hot. Shit. 

“Oh. Uh. I totally forgot about that,” you say, forcing out a chuckle. You screw your eyes shut, any happiness has been now replaced by red hot shame. “So this was fun, uh, really fun, but um, I’m gonna, I’m gonna go. So...yeah. Bye guys, have fun!” 

You click to exit without giving anyone a chance to say a word, and drop your head into your hands. 

“Can’t wait to see what they say on Twitter about this,” you mutter into your hands.

TAGLIST (if youre bold, it wont let me tag): @teenageguitarist @fanworrior  @cherry-piee @mirahg  @clara-bee @cookinglovingalien @vir-tual @clubfairy @youretheonlyonewhomakesme @more-like-reyna @boiled-onionrings @moneybagmgk @brendalopez99 @delicateavenuenacho @dreamsofficialwife @hydrate-tion @little-red02 

[bakugohoex]

Can you do Jean x reader where they are both undercover at Marley 💕💕💕

part one: “this isn’t a date jean, we’re undercover”

paring: jean kirschtein x female reader

cw: season 4 spoiler but there is no manga spoiler at all, fluff, language 

word count: 2600+

a/n: i had to read so much for this fic, but i got the jist of it, again making sure you guys know there is no spoilers for the manga in here and onlt a season four spoiler do if you guys havent watched the latest episodes be warned

summary: in which you and jean are undercover doing reconnaissance in marley, want turns to investigating a local bar leads to feelings finally being brought out from the two of you

part two  | part three 

↞ back to attack on titan masterlist 

The dress you wore covered your thighs and knees, it hugged you, the soft material being a drastic change from your normal attire. It was a warm mid-day, birds chirped and the sound of Marleyans engulphed your ears. In the 6 years in which you had known Jean you hadn’t ever expect an undercover mission taking place in Marley of all places.

He walked with your hand in his own, you smiling softly as you spoke nonchalantly to one another. It was unamusing and more a distraction than anything else. He picked the newspaper up on the stall, paying quickly as he walked back, you followed which felt more like being dragged along by his strong grip.

The way the top of his fedora sat on his now long hair, he heard about the victory of the Marleyans from a passer-by and with his hand in your own he opened the newspaper up. It was reconnaissance, you and him both knew you were supposed to act like one of these people even if they did think of you both as devils.

“I think we should visit that bar that woman told us about, a lot of the men there get drunk and reveal a lot.”

He looked down at you, your hands still connected. He had grown so much in all these years now reaching over 6ft, his long hair and scattered hairs along his chin making gorgeous. He had become the leader both you and Marco knew he would become.

“They’ll all stare at you, why would I want that?” he mutters.

You laugh at his antics, “you’re such an idiot.”

“You’re the one holding my hand.”

“Jean it’s a mission we have to pretend to be together for the performance.”

He raised an eyebrow you had full view of his face; his eyes were tired from the late nights working on the next plan of action. But most importantly, the fact that the two of you had to share a bed. He couldn’t even touch you as your small frame would sometimes push against his chest.

You smiled at the boy getting him out of his trance before skimming through the newspaper again. “We’ll go tonight after the meeting.”

You nod as the two of you walk towards the docks of Liberio. Both you and Jean were in the internment zone, a nice old woman allowing you to stay on top of her shop. Even with her being nice her opinions on titans and those within the walls were a lot cruller than u had expected.

It had been awkward the first time sleeping beside each other, you both looked up. Not facing each other but instead watching as the clock ticked away until one of you fell asleep. You both woke up wrapped in each other’s arms, and an awkwardness had set between you two from that night. You both would try to face away from each other but one way in another you ended up touching each other in some way.

He helped you up the stairs to where the little shop was kept, you both had gained some currency mostly from stealing it, but you never expected to stay here long. Only to find information until the true invasion would begin. Of course, the others were already here in their own recon missions, but you and Jean had been the first ones and had found out the most about this stupid town.

The biggest thing being that they hated Eldians of any type. You both walked through the double doors the woman smiling at how pretty you both looked together.

You had a meeting with the rest of the survey corps, Hange leading it, you got changed into what you’d wear to the bar knowing it was going to be a long night.

Jean stood at the door watching at how you easily took the dress off. You both didn’t care about changing clothes in front of each other, you’d seen worse from each other and it meant nothing after the tortures of titans.

The short dress fitted you perfectly and as Jean eyed you up and down, he craved any touch by you. He had taken the blue tie off and the suit jacket and waistcoat off leaving him in the white button up and trousers.

You smiled at how his hair stuck to the back of his neck, when he had first started growing his hair out you had loved it seeing the boy turn into a man. You both had changed since your cadet days and as much as you missed it you couldn’t say that being an adult didn’t have its perks.

“You know Y/n, I’d definitely accept any date proposals from you.”

You rolled your eyes at him, he always tormented you with the flirting. “Jean you really are a pain in my ass.”

“Such vulgar words from a pretty woman.”

You wanted to stab him with your ODM gear but instead stuck with jabbing him with your knee into his stomach. Normally when he was a lot younger it hurt him easily, but he seemed unfazed by the action almost finding it cute.

“Why did u have to grow so much? Short Jean was better.”

“Are you saying 15-year-old me is better than now me?”

You think back at the boy, bringing your finger to your chin. “Both you and 15-year-old you are pains to be around.”

He moves his face to your ear you could feel the hairs brush against your cheek from his chin as he spoke, “it’s okay Y/n we both know how you really feel.”

Rolling your eyes, he grabbed your hand almost out of instinct, you both leaving the shop as quickly as you came. Turning the many corners that Hange had told you to take after each different meeting.

The amount of walks you both went on should be unnecessary but the people of Liberio barely batted an eyelash at the two on you.

The dress was low cut and having all these new clothes made your heart warm up. You hadn’t worn different clothes in years, always the same uniform which you grew to dislike.

“Hange really sent us on a fucking expedition.” You mutter as you lean against Jean’s side.

He leads the way walking towards an unknown battered up building. It looked like it was being constructed and you were met with the scouts.

They eyed you both up your outfits standing out. “running late per usual.” Levi mutters.

As much as you had grown on Captain Levi, he still had a discomfort towards most of you. Both Jean and you let go of hands with ease standing beside each other. Before the meeting begun mostly talking about what had occurred and most significantly the defeat of Marleyans against the Mid-East.

“You know what that means, sometime soon is our time to act.” You professed, the new knowledge coming as a relief as it would soon be time for your plan to truly occur.

Armin and Mikasa spoke, the whereabouts of Eren being unknown due to his consistent disappearances. Watching these people grow you truly understood the mutual torment you all felt. As you were all dismissed all you could think about was the consistent opposition you all faced.

“I think the bars down here.” Jean retakes your hand as you smiled at him.

“Once this is over what do you think will happen.” You ask him softly.

“I don’t know.”

“Remember when we first met, and you were adamant on becoming an MP.” He listened raising an eyebrow. “Look at you now Mr Commanding Officer.”

You were proud of your friend he had worked hard to achieve this status. “You really are proud of me aren’t yah.”

You rolled your eyes gently hitting his side. “I’m telling the truth I’m proud of you.”

You had been timid in your choice of words you were proud, and he knew you were proud of him. Walking into the bar, the significant smell of alcohol mixed with sweat made you grossed out.

It was a rule to not drink under the survey corps and you hadn’t really cared for drinking. So, the sight of so many drunk people drove you mad, how easily a night of drinking could lead to a failed future.

Jean pulled out a chair for you before going to the bar, “I’ll get your favourite.”

You nodded playing with your fingers trying to listen in on the conversations that were occurring. Many Marleyans chatting shit about the Eldians and most specifically those of paradise island.

Your fist clenched as Jean brought two drinks out. “What is it?” You question looking at the red drink in front of you.

“You told me you liken cranberry juice once, i got you some”.

Your eyes widened at the boy, “Jean i said that like years ago.”

“Shows you how much i do care about you.” You rolled your eyes sipping on the drink. You both conversed but remained consistent with your spying on individuals.

“Those guys are talking about you.” Jean coughed out sipping his drink.

“I should go up to them i might get some information.”

“Don’t.” You raise an eyebrow going up to his ear. “They might steal you away.”

“This isn’t a date Jean, we’re undercover.” The way you spoke his name made him melt, he wanted to hear more of your voice specifically moaning his name out.

You stood up ready to go speak to them before you heard something come from their mouths. “If i ever saw one of those island folks I’d slit their throats and make their kids watch.”

You felt sick to the stomach by the comment and wanted to leave. Jean hadn’t heard it and as you stood frozen, he called out your name.

“Let’s get u outside.” He whispers taking your hand as you silently followed. “Are you okay?”

You nod, “I guess it just hit me we’re hated here the way the act towards us is the way we used to act against titans.”

You felt his arms wrap around you. He knew you hadn’t spoken much about the comments and that now you hit the realisation you’d confide in him more.

“I want to go back to the shop.” He nods as a comfortable silence settled in.

You cling to his arm wrapping your hands around his own. He loved the way you cling onto him like he was your protector, and you were his queen.

Walking down a long alleyway, you see some Marley men smoking and drinking. They’d be easy targets if you wanted to kill them, hearing them speak and whistle as you both walked past. Before one of them grabbing your wrist made Jean’s instincts kick in.

He punched the guy who had touched you, his filthy hands still lingering close to your body. The way Jean with ease was able to put down the two men who looked bruised and battered.

He put his hand out for you to take, he didn’t speak. Just bringing you the comfort you needed from this whole new world experience. Everything was so much bigger outside the walls and you couldn’t ever imagine putting innocent people in walls to keep them trapped.

The events of the night led to an uncomfortable silence once you arrived back to little room on top of the shop. He stripped his shirt off due to the excessive dirt it had got on it. You admired his body, the way each muscle sat perfectly on his abdomen.

You sat on the bed fidgeting with your clothes, you played with the hem of the dress which Jean could see your upper thigh from you doing.“Do you want to talk more about it?”

“I just… i guess it’s the reality.” You muttered as Jean sat beside you his shirt off. Titans seemed less scary than any of these indoctrinated Marleyans any day.

In the years Jean had known you seeing you vulnerable and passive made his heart ache. He took you by the hand letting you attach yourself to his side.

You were scared about the upcoming invasion and even worse you didn’t even know who you’d be fighting. The uncertain of it all being too much.

He walked up to you, moving closer to your smaller frame. “You didn’t have to punch those guys, I...I would’ve said something.”

“Y/n, you’ve been silent all night, you expect me to believe that you would’ve done something.” He bends down his knees touching the ground as he kneeled in front of you. His hands moving to your own stopping you from playing with your dress anymore.

Bringing your hands up to his mouth he kissed it as you could see some bruises, you stroked your thumb against the bruises hopefully it would settle down with some ice later. “What you said back in the bar?” You start to speak but you really had nothing to say, “about not going to those men.”

“I didn’t want you to get hurt if you talked to them and…” He trailed off.

“And?” You question.

He looked up at your bright face filled with love and happiness something he hadn’t seen in a very long time. “And you bring joy, in a shitty world like this I guess you’re the only one who truly brings a smile on my face.”

“Jean when did you get so sappy.” You giggle at his flustered look.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me.” The tone in your voice was begging him to take you.

He rolls his eyes, his tongue flicking against the inside of his mouth as he stood up looking at you. He was even taller than before. You were a mouse compared to his frame; he bent his back bringing his face closer towards yours before a hand was placed on your cheek.

He closed the gap between the two of you, making your back hit the bed. His other hand moved to your side as he was on kissing you whilst he was on top. Your back arched at the movements wanting to feel his body on your own, as you deepened the kiss. Your hands in his long hair pulling his body closer to your own, as you felt the hardness come from his trousers.

“This was your plan all along, wasn’t its baby.” He spoke stoically a cocky grin plastered to his face.

You smirked as he let go of your lips, moving his mouth to your neck as he moved your dress down your body, with your collarbone and neck revealed for him. He left marks and sucked on spots making you moan his name loudly.

“I’d…I… would n…never.” The moans engulphed you, you craved him even more.

He had never expected to hear you moan his name, and the sound of it, with you underneath fuelled him even more to continue the act. You closed your eyes as he bit and sucked on your collar before licking the side of your neck. The saltiness it brought making him lick his lips before he went back to kissing you.

The kiss was deeper, quicker than it previously had been, you placed your hands on his exposed chest. The way a single touch from you sent shivers down his spine, “I’ve always like you, y’know.”

“I assumed so.” You giggled, his body was on top of you trapping you between his broad arms and shoulders. It was a sight and you loved it.

You brought yourself up leaning up with your elbows, your dress was half off you and the way he looked at you knew that what would happen tonight had been long awaited from many many years ago. 

proceed to part two here

i’d really appreciate if you guys could leave a like, reblog or comment, thanks x

if you guys want to be a part of a tag list, just reply to any post and i’ll add you xx

@samusimp @alaina-rose13 @crispychannie @underratedmage​ @jennammaee​ @cathy8taffy @sugacious​ @moonlightaangel

[zmayadw]

Hello!

I’ll post a bit earlier today :) So here is next part!

Have a nice day!

WARNING! contains a sex scene (no its not an april fools day joke :P)WARNING

CALL OF HTE RAVEN

PART 15

  When i woke up, i was alone in the bed, and i checked the clock. 7.38. „Jake?“ i called, but i got no ansewer. I looked to the desk, his stuff was still there. I got myself sitting, and noticed a paper on the nightstand. 'Went for coffee' was written on it, and i smiled. I went to the bathroom, thinking of last night. It felt so nice being with Jake, it felt right. I smiled as i brushed my teeth,thinking how i finaly got my answer about if he feels the same. After last night, i was sure he does. As I stepped back in the room, i noticed an envelope sticking from under the rooms door. I took it of the floor, feeling something was inside. I opened it, and a feel of fright washed all over me. I quickly went for the door, wanting to check if i could see anyone near. As i opened the door, Jake was standing on the outside, holding two coffee cups and about to push the key into the lock. He had a smile on his face, wich was quickly replaced with worry. „Whats wrong?“ he asked as i stepped outside next to him, looking arround. „Did you see anyone?“ i asked starting to get agitated, „What?“ he said, and i repeated, sounding even more agitated now „Did you see anyone? As you wer coming back?“ „Maya, calm down.“ He told me, and i practically screamed at him „Jake, please, answer me!“ He looked at me really worried, grabing me by the hand, guiding me back inside, sitting me on the bed. I havent realized i was shaking, still holding that cursed envelope in my hand. Jake threw a blanket over me, taking the envelope from my hands. His face got grim when he saw the content of it. It was just one raven feather inside. But it was enough for that bad feeling to creep all over me again. „Is this some kind of a bad joke?“ i asked „Because if it is, i sure as hell dont find it funny.“ Jake looked at me, not being sure what to think „I dont know what this is, Maya.“ I shot up from the bed, blanket falling from my shoulders. „You said nothing will happen!“ i started, getting a bit histerical „This isnt nothing, Jake!“ „Maya, please, calm down.“ He told me, and i franaticaly started to walk back and forth through the room. „Calm down?“ i yelled „I cant, Jake! My life is tumbaling down  in front of my eyes, and you want me to calm down?!“ „Maya, stop!“ he said, rising his voice a bit, but i just ignored it. „I cant calm down!“ i continued walking back and forth, sounding histerical. „Im terrified at the moment, Jake. I have no clue what the hell is going on here. Everything was going great at one moment, the next, all hell broke loose!“ I paused a bit to catch my breath. „Why is this happening? What does this all means? What..“ i didnt managed to finish, because Jake grabbed me, pulling me to him, and kissed me. I was so shocked by it, it took me a moment to realize what just happened. As it finaly did hit me, i relaxed a bit, my hands moving at the back of his neck, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. I stopped the kiss abruply, moving a bit from him, but still holding him loosely by the neck. He looked at me puzzled. „It wasnt supposed to be like this!“ i exclaimed, Jake being even more puzzeled now. „What are you talking about?“ he asked. „Our first kiss!“ i started „It wasnt suppose to be like this.“ I said again. „And how was it suppose to be?“ he asked, raising his eyebrow at me. „I dont know!“ i said confused myself „But definatly not like this, me being histerical, and you probably didnt know how to stop me, other then kissing me.“ My eyes opened wide then „Did you even wanted to kiss me?“ i asked, insecurity creeping to my voice. Jake looked at me, that unknow glow again present in his eyes, making me flush. He had one hand around my waist, and he moved the other slowely across my back to my neck „Has anyone ever told you, you talk too much?“ he said, leaning in for another kiss. I smiled, and this time i was ready for that kiss, welcoming his soft lips on mine. I wanted this to happen for so long. I hugged him tightly, pulling him as close to me as i could, deepening the kiss. My hand went through his hair, another thing i longed to do. I bit gently at his lower lip, and he moaned softly at it. I got my leg up, wrapping it around him. He grabed me under my other leg, pulling me up, moving us towards the bed. We fell on the bed, not breaking our kiss. I felt heet all over my body. He moved his hand under my shirt, sending tingles all over me. I wanted to feel his skin on mine, so i broke our kiss, unzipping his hoodie and taking it off, then grabing his shirt, pulling it over his head. I took my shirt off, and i could see him soaking up every inch of me. I pulled him back to me, the warmth of his body intensifing my own heat. He burried his face at my neck, kissing, sucking and biting gently, moving slowly towards my belly, and this time i moande softly. He moved a bit from me, pulling my pants and panties down slowly, leaning back to me as he did it, kissing me fiercly. My hands wer all over him, and I moved them, searching for the zipper of his pants. He moaned as i touched him down there. He was ready, and it made me feel even more wild with desire. With his pants and boxers gone, i pulled closer, wrapping myself arround him. He kissed me fiercly again, before moving his head back to meet my eyes. He slowly pushed in, gasping breath escaping my mouth. His eyes flared at it, and he pushed in completly. He moved slow at first, intensifying the pace and depth with every heartbeat. My body arched under him, my nails digging deeper and harder at the skin of his back, moans of pleasure escaping us both. I felt as if my whole body was on fire, leaning my head back, my hand clenching tightly at the bed sheets as the orgasam hit me. He continued for a while, quickening his pace some more, as the pulsing pleasure continued to spread through me, and our panting breaths being the only sound heard after it.

Laying in bed with Jakes hands around me made me feel so calm. I could stay like this forever, forgeting the world outside exists. I felt safe with him, like nothing can touch me. I still couldnt belive it finaly happened. I dreamed of this moment for so long. I turned on my other side, facing him. His eyes wer closed, his hair ruffled even more then usual, wich made me giggle. „What you giggling at?“ he asked, his eyes still closed. „At you.“ i told him. He opened his eyes, looking at me sleepily. „Well, not you, more at your hair.“ He raised his eyebrow „And what's so funny about it?“ „It's messy! More then usual i mean.“ I told him, still smiling. „Well, i have you to thank for that.“ He said teasingly, pulling me for a kiss. „You're welcome.“ I said grining. He shook his head at me „You're impossible.“ „I know.“ I said grinning even more „But you like me nonetheless.“ His eyes sparkled „More then you can imagine.“ He pulled me to him, kissing me so fiercly, i got goosebums all over my body. I wraped myself around him, pulling him closer. He broke the kiss, his eyes flashing with devilish glow. „Round two?“ he asked, with heavy breath. I grined at him „Round two.“

I'v opened my eyes, laying on Jakes chest. We must have dozed off after everything. I got up slowely, not wanting to wake him. I grabed my shirt and panties from the floor, heading to the bathroom. I poured a glass of water, gulping it down, not realizing how thursty i was. I got dressed, poured some more water in the glass and went back to the room. Jake was sitting on the bed, with just his boxers on. „Can i have that?“ he asked me, indicating at the water i was holding. „Ofcourse.“ I smiled handing him the glass. „Better?“ i asked, after he finished it in a heartbeat. „Definatly.“ He smiled. I took the glass from him, turning to head back to refill it, but he pulled me back on the bed. I chuckled „You know, we cant stay in bed the whole day.“ „I know“ he said, burrying his face to my neck, kissing it „But five more minutes wont make a difference.“ I pushed him, roling him on the back, sittuating myself on him, and grinned „Five minutes is more then enough to start 'round three'.“ His eyes sparkled with desire „Would that be a bad thing?“ „Definatly not.“ I said, leaning at him for a kiss. I had to force myself hard to break that kiss. „But, if you havent forgotten, we actualy have some things to take care of.“ He groaned „Fine, you win.“ adding as he got himself in sitting position, with me still on him „This time.“ He gave me a soft kiss. „You do know you have to get off me, if you want me to get out of bed.“ He told me teasingly. „I know.“ I said „Im just contemplating if i should do it or not.“ He laughed „You just said we cant spend the whole day in bed.“ „I know, i know.“ I started, sighing „But just for the record, i reluclantly made that decision.“ „Noted.“ He said, getting up slowly from the bed, me sliding off him as he did. We just stood there, neither of us trying to move, staring at eachother. Something beeped from the desk. „The phone checking is done.“ Jake said, still not moving. „Mhm.“ Was all i replied. He looked at me, raising his eyebrow „Maya, if you dont want to end up back in bed, i suggest you stop teasing me.“ I was tempted by that, i had to force myself so hard to move from him. „Fine“ i groaned „But only because im curious about the phone.“ He smiled at me, giving me a peck on a cheek, taking his shirt from the floor and heading to the desk. He sat down checking his laptop, and I sat back on the bed, waiting for him to tell me the result. After few minutes he turned to me „Everything is fine with your phone.“ „Oh, i see.“ I said, a bit of desperation creeping to my voice. „You're not satisfied with that?“ he asked. „I dont know, Jake.“ I started „I was hoping you might find something, anything that would shed some light to all of this.“ „I can do one more thing.“ He said. „And what is that?“  „Well, i can connect to your incoming calls, again. Might be able to get the location of the caller that way.“ I didnt hesitate with my answer „Do it.“ „You sure?“ he asked. „Yes, Jake, its fine, go ahead.“ I told him, giving him a reasuring smile. „Allrigh, it wont take me long.“ He said, turning back to his laptop. „Ok, its done.“ He told me after a while „Now when someone calls, hopefully i'll be able to get the location from where the call was made.“ „So, now we wait. Again.“ I said, sighing desperatly. He came to sit next to me on the bed „Maya, i know this is frustrating, and i'm doing everything i can to help.“ „I know, and im grateful to you for this, dont get me wrong here, but all this waiting is driving me insane.“ „I get it“ he said, his look full of compassion. „Tell me what i can do, how to make you feel better?“ I looked at him, his eyes showing me he would do whatere it takes for me. „You've allready done so much. Just by being here with me, I feel ten times better.“ I would do anything for you, Maya.“ „I know.“ I hugged him, giving him a soft kiss. His stomach made a strange sound then, and i started laughing. „That was...unexpected.“ I said, chuckling. „Hey, what to say“ he started teasingly „You worn me out woman! Im actualy starving.“ „I could eat myself, definitely.“ I said, smiling at him. „Guess we should go grab some food then.“ „Or, we could just order something here again.“ He said, with that devilish glow in his eyes. „Hmm, i like that idea better.“ I said, grining, and he pulled me to him, embracig me in a hug.

[brelione]

Feild Trip with a Rich Bitch (Rafe Cameron x Reader)

Part Two

Mentions of drugs,Rafe being a bitch,swearing and blow torches :)

Also,Goddess Part Three will be up by Friday afternoon.If you would like to be tagged please let me know :)

He had always hated Pogues.Then he met you.

You worked at a car repair shop in The Cut.He had come in on his bike,well,he had walked the broken piece of shit to the shop.You were the only one working that day.He couldnt help but think you looked adorable with your long sleeve yellow shirt under dark blue overalls,a backwards red hat and at least six silver chains draped across your neck.You had been extremely focused,sitting indian style as you smoothed a weird bump on a car with a nail file. “So are you gonna stare at me or are you gonna tell me what youre doing here,pretty boy?”You asked,not taking your attention off the task at hand.He blinked,surprised by your carefree yet assertive tone. “Uhh...somethings wrong with my bike.”He mumbled,attempting to smooth out his hair.You let out a small laugh as you dragged a paint brush along the smooth metal,fixing the messy spot. “No shit.What’d you do to it?”You asked,spreading more paint across the metal.His face turned red as he glanced around the shop.

There were paintings across the walls,multiple tool boxes and a wall of paint swatches.There were six other cars parked,some of them with large dents,holes or scratches. “I drove it into a tree.”He mumbled.You nodded. “Magnificent job,pretty boy.How are you gonna have a bike as expensive as that one then drive it into a tree?”You asked.He just shrugged,hands in his pockets.You put your paintbrush down into a cup of water,pulling out a blowtorch from seemingly nowhere.The flame hovered above the paint,drying and hardening it.Once you were satisfied with the paint job you stood up,brushing off your pants.You still had the blowtorch in your hand,the potential weapon swinging next to your thigh as you walked towards Rafe. “You gotta put the kickstand down,pretty boy.”You reminded him,gesturing to the bike.He nodded. “Right.”He nodded,putting the kickstand down and turning the handlebars so it would lean on the metal rod.One of the tires seemed blown out,a straight hole through the seat and multiple scratches across the metal.He watched as you looked over it.

You pulled at one of your chains. “So are you going to tell me what actually happened?”You asked,crossing your arms over your chest.That caused him to look down at your chest and the bleach stains across the front of your overalls.You snapped your fingers to get his attention back to your eyes.He cleared his throat,looking back up at you. “So how much for the repairs?”He asked.You smirked. “Well...i’d say $150 but you’re an asshole so thats an additional $15 and you’re also ruining my day so that would be another $15.”You twirled one of your chains,looking into his blue eyes.He bit his tongue,glancing between you and his bike. “And whats the fee for you not to tell anyone youre keeping my bike here?”He asked.You ran the tip of your tongue along your teeth with a devil like smile.God,this boy had never been in this kind of situation before.You werent even gonna tell anyone in the first place.You could probably charge him hundreds of dollars for all the things he’s done and he wouldnt be able to do anything about it.You were the best repair woman on the island and anyone else would go straight to his dad.It was 11 in the morning.You had pulled an all nighter for the third time that week and you hadnt eaten yet.Plus,if you sent Rafe to the store he could buy the expensive shit.

 “Theres a store three blocks away.Youre gonna go there and buy everything on the list and youre not gonna question it.”You told him.His eyebrows furrowed as he watched you take a notepad out of your pocket along with a pen,jotting things down.You tore the paper off,folding it and handing it to him.He took it,frowning and confused. “Hurry up.”You told him.He nodded,no words or sounds escaping his lips as he left the garage and made his way down the street.He knew what store you were talking about,the one with the sleeping cat outside.It was awfully quiet as he walked.Most of the time all the exciting things happened at night,not 11 in the morning.Either that or all the pogues were hiding from him,his gelled hair and his ugly ass khakis.He unfolded the piece of paper,reading it.Three large lemons,two large monster energy drinks,a bag of doritos and a pack of gum.It was a strange request but he wasnt supposed to question it.He had kept his head down at the store,grabbing three of the largest lemons he saw,two random monster energy drinks,the doritos and three packs of gum.

He didnt know what kind of gum you liked but you probably had to like one of the three,right?When he got back you were using your blowtorch on a part of the bike you had painted. “Put the bag on the work table and touch nothing.”You spoke loudly,confidently.He found your confidence unbelievably attractive.He never let anyone boss him around like this but ther was just something about you.You held some sort of power over other pogues,he could tell that much by the few boneyard parties he’d gone too.The others were attracted to you,some of them held their breath as you walked by,others just kept their distance.He didnt know where such nice chains had come from.They looked like they had weight,indicating that they were real.He had carefully walked over to your work table,seeing multiple small jars of paint,brushes,metal sheets,files,nails,screws and your cell phone.It was a pretty old model.He set the bag down on an empty spot,watching as a notification came across your phone.Eighteen days sober!Log this milestone.He frowned.Sober from what?

He shook it off,walking back around to where you were with his bike. “I was worried that you’d set my bike on fire or something.”He spoke quietly,trying to make conversation.You glared up at him,eyebrows casting shadows over your irises. “What?Cause im a dirty pogue?”You asked.He shook his head frantically. “Thats not what I meant I-”He began to explain himself but you cut him off. “So because im fixing your bike im different?”You asked.He sighed. “I just meant because of the blowtorch-Im sorry.”He mumbled.You stood up,blowtorch in hand. “Know your place,rich bitch.Your bike will be done by three,save yourself the embarrassment and go home to your mansion.”Your voice was dripping in venom,eyes narrowing.He gulped. “I cant go back home without my bike,my dad will kill me.”He mumbled,looking down at you.You smirked. “Good.”You replied before kneeling down again by the bike,getting back to work. “God,could you stop staring at me?Go sit somewhere or sue a tree or some shit.”You huffed.He almost tripped over his own feet,finding a chair and sitting down.He tapped his food on the ground anxiously. “So um...how long have you been fixing cars?”He asked.

You slammed the blow torch down on the concrete. “Could you shut the fuck up?Please?”You asked.He bit his lip. “I dont like the silence.”He replied. “And I dont like loud noises.”You answered. “What are you sober from?”He asked.You sat there for a moment,eyes locked on the ground.You slowly stood up,walking towards him. “You went on my phone?”You asked.His mouth went dry and he was lost for words. “Rafe.”You snarled.He looked back up at you,beads of sweat collecting at his hairline. “I-the notification-I just saw it and I just-God,im sorry (Y/N).”He sighed,looking away from you.Your hand reached up,gripping his jaw and making him look at you. “Didnt I tell you to shut the fuck up?”You asked.He looked away from you,only looking back when your grip tightened. “Yeah.”He muttered. “And you’re gonna be good and shut that pretty mouth of yours,right?”You asked,squeezing harder on his flesh.He hummed. 

“Good.”You mumbled,taking your hand away and getting back to work.You could feel him staring at you,the way your fingers moved as you grabbed your tools.He understood now.He understood the pogues’ fear and admiration of you.He felt like one of them,caught up in your beauty and the way you carried yourself while simultaneously being slightly afraid of you.You walked past him,grabbing one of the monsters.You grabbed a knife from the table.He watched as you cut open the bottom of the energy drink and shot gunned it,wiping your mouth when you were done.You grabbed a lemon from the bag,cutting an end of it off.You pulled a container of a white powder,opening it and coating the lemon slice in it. “Dont stare at me like that.Its salt,nothing you can snort.”You grumbled,taking the slice out and placing it in your mouth.Your eyes didnt squint and your eyebrows didnt furrow at the taste. “You...you eat lemons in salt?”He asked.You pulled the lemon slice from your teeth,biting the salt coated fruit as it left your mouth. 

“I do.”You replied. “It helps with cravings.”You finished your thought,going to fix the bike seat.Rafe had sat on his phone until one in the afternoon when he heard someone come in. “You havent answered your phone,thought you were dead or something.”A deep voice said.Rafe heard you giggle. “Only on the inside,sunshine.I’m busy with work right now,tell the others ill be around by seven.”He heard the tone of your voice.Friendly,happy and almost excited. “Alright.Did you eat today?”The voice asked. “I had a lemon slice,ive got some doritos so dont worry too much.I’ll see you later.”You had told your friend. “Alright,sounds like a plan.”THe boys voice said before leaving.Rafe watched as you rolled a tire inside,replacing the one he had destroyed.Once you had replaced it you went back to the bag of goodies,cutting open the other monster.You chugged it,sighing as you stared up at the ceiling. “Why do you hate me so much?”Rafe asked suddenly.A smile tugged at your lips.

 “You beat up two of my boys,you come around starting shit and blaming it on us,you think youre just so fucking amazing when youre really just a bitch,you ran over my fucking mailbox,you drink and drive,you gave another one of my boys a fucking concussion and a scar and you wonder why I hate you?”You ranted,fists clenching.He just sat there,hands gripping the arms of the chair. “You just fuck things up.”You sighed.He licked his lips. “You sound like my dad.”He mumbled.You laughed. “Oh dont get me started on your dad.That bitch ruined my life.”You sighed,grabbing another lemon slice.He raised his eyebrows. “What?How?”He asked.You just giggled to yourself. “You really have no idea what your father has done to my family?No idea at all?”You asked.He shook his head.You just laughed again,the sound filling the air.It wasnt like the way you had giggled with your friend.It was empty and sarcastic,hiding anger that was building up inside of you. “You wanna go for a field trip,Rafe Cameron?”You asked.

[sadsapphicslut]

chapter one - original story (i havent come up with a title yet lol)

okay so here it is!! if anyone actually reads this i love u :) please leave feedback if u have any!! 

TWs:

death, drugs, medication, mental illness, references to sex, swearing, alcohol

wordcount: 8.2k

(also i dont think anyone will but im paranoid of people stealing my writing so obligatory dont copy/post to another site or steal my work in any other ways etc)

There were five of us; 4 boys and me. In hindsight I realize from the outside our group probably seemed a little predatory, but it was never really like that. For the most part they were like brothers to me. Of course, being the only girl in a small and isolated club of mainly older boys, things were bound to happen. We were in high school and it was summer, can you blame me? Regardless, however much I loved them, it was not quite in the way my father always assumed or my mother always warned (during our uncomfortable monthly visitations before I managed to get rid of her for good).

The months everything went down, which I often referred to only as ‘The Worst Summer of My Life’, (quite melodramatically but not without reason) were somehow still full of the best moments of my life. Moments I often find myself wishing I could repeat, as nothing has or will ever come close to the way I felt, sitting amongst my boys day after day, somehow light as the warm July breeze that blew past us. My entire body weightless, as non-existent as the time that passed us by. Despite the depression I’d found myself plunged into during the days after my only brother’s death, I truly believe I will never again be as happy as I was then. Laughter seemed to flow freely from our mouths, smiles plastered onto our faces no matter the circumstances, content to just exist. I don’t think I can ever forget the day it was raining so hard the entire city was flooded, but we walked around uptown well past the point of being absolutely drenched, our clothes dripping so heavily the security guard denied us entry into the public library. Something about that day made me feel so free, like we were invisible. Completely apathetic to the whims of the real world, somehow existing only in our twisted minds and intertwined fantasies.

Maybe if I’d had my head screwed on a little tighter, or if we’d met under different circumstances, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I used to go down that line of thought every night before succumbing to a fitful but heavy sleep (under the direct affect of 25mg of Quetiapine, working to counteract my Concerta and Lexapro). Those types of irrational thoughts were ones my therapist deemed as my habit for rumination. In regard to the death of my brother she called it ‘bargaining’, one of the stages of grief. I never liked it when she spoke about those stages as I’ve always felt them to be wrong. Maybe because I never quite moved on to the final one, no matter how many years pass. ‘Acceptance’, coined as the “Re-entrance to reality”. Maybe it’s different since I was never really grounded to reality in the first place. I still wake up some mornings, thinking I’ve heard his voice in the other room, ready to beguile me with tales from his day of retail work. Other times I swear I’ve walked past him on the street. Some people may relate to my experiences, with reasonings of ghosts, angels, apparitions, or insanity, among many other causes for the apparent viewing of a loved one long gone to the other side. I never shared these beliefs, but I am not one to deny. Rather, I always take these instances as an omen. A warning. I have come to this conclusion not without evidence, at least circumstantial, given the many occasions over the years – and especially that summer – where I found my hypothesis to be true. All I can say is that I am glad I’ve never been met with the same chimerical visions of my mother; one can only hope that is because she ended up where she belonged. Maybe I’ll see her there, though I hope at the very least they could keep us in separate rooms of Hell if the situation does arise.

From what I know of the others now, which is admittedly not much – majorly due to my own neglect, as opposed to theirs – they share the same prescription for rose-coloured glasses as I. We always were too engrossed with our own romanticization of nostalgia and sentiment that it clouded our view. I often think this was one of the reasons we seemed to fit so well together. Not quite like puzzle pieces, too self-absorbed to hold a candle to that analogy, more like complimentary colours. I wish it could’ve stayed the way it was. We did try, and I never found myself able to fully disentangle myself from James, nor he could to I, but for most of us we could recognize an ending when one arises. I used to find myself using the word tragedy a lot while reminiscing, but I no longer think that word is appropriate. Fate is a more fitting term in my opinion, regardless of if one believes in it or not. “(A)n inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end,” as reported by Merriam Webster. I don’t think there’s a word in the entire English language more accurate in describing how everything ended up; and if there is, I am yet to find it.

  Chapter One

A Dead Brother

          I have tried to erase the day my brother died from my memory so many times I lost count decades ago. I still find the image seeping into my unconsciousness quite dreadfully on the nights I neglect to take my pills and catch myself waking up with a steady flow of tears that dampen my pillow along with the drool that always seems to pour from my sleeping mouth. The dread that pools in my stomach sometimes being heavy enough for me to lose my lunch. I frequently wonder how people managed to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault; the most painful lie I’ve ever been told and one that seemed to stream from people’s mouths as easily as the mini sandwiches laid in the living room of my brother’s wake were stuffed in. The worst part about being told it wasn’t my fault was how obviously one could tell they didn’t believe what they were saying either. His death was my fault; a fact so uncontestable I wanted to kill myself every time I was reminded of it.

           My therapist often tried to remind me that even if his death was “partially” (she always used the word partially, refusing to acknowledge the truth that his death was entirely my fault) my fault, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. This was another lie I despised being told. There were a million ways I could have prevented his death or saved his life and yet, here we are, with him dead and me wishing everyday that I won’t wake up tomorrow. “Begonia,” she’d tell me – she was the only person who called me by my full name, I usually went by Nia, but a nickname felt too personal and I didn’t like her very much – “You mustn’t keep torturing yourself with these scenarios. He’s dead, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am starting to wonder if you are going to let yourself move on. This isn’t healthy.” That was a line she liked to use a lot, “this isn’t healthy”. As if anything I do is.

           Barb, my therapist that is, liked to go over the details of my brother’s death a lot. She often called it a ‘trigger’, which is why she always seemed to want me to talk about it. “Trauma is a horrible thing, Begonia, and you must learn to move past it, process it. I can see you still haven’t managed to do that on your own, and that’s what I’m here for, to help you move on.” Barb was big on the idea of  “moving past trauma” and “learning to cope”, she often sounded like a broken record of a motivational speech. I found myself comparing her to school guidance councillors without realizing it, they were about equally as helpful (read: not helpful) in my opinion.

           Sometimes I blame my inability to forget and “move past” my brother’s death on the way Barb constantly brought it up and made me go through it. I never quite understood how that part of my therapy was supposed to help me. I asked her once, what good was it doing rehashing the worst day of my life?

           “Well, Begonia,” I hated the way she said my name, always so condescending and sour, like even the idea of me questioning her in any way was as impolite as shitting on her desk.

“You have to understand that I only want to help you. You seem to be unable to process your traumas on your own, which is why we need to go through these things. As you are aware, this PTSD,” she always left strange pauses after each letter, her slow tone grinding on my ears, “you have acquired has left you unable to function normally in daily life. I want you to get to a place where you can have a normal life (Ha!) and cope without these meetings. It’s what your brother would’ve wanted.” Barb liked to tell me what my brother would have wanted at least once every session. Putting aside the fact she knew next to nothing about him aside from the intimate details on how he died, I always thought it was an inappropriate thing to say as a psychologist specializing in grief counselling. It never particularly bothered me, I was reasonable enough to realize she was just trying to comfort me, but I never liked the phrase. “What your brother would’ve wanted.” What he would’ve wanted was to not die but we’re past that, aren’t we Barb, as you so often enjoyed telling me.  

I have always been quite averse to my diagnoses, ADHD at 14, Persistent Depressive Disorder at 15, PTSD at 16, issues with alcohol and drugs that landed me in rehab more than once. I’ve been on a concoction of different medications since I was 13, even before I was diagnosed with anything officially. Sertraline, Lexapro, Prozac, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Quetiapine, Ambien, Zopiclone, a healthy mix of off brand and branded medications. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, stimulants. I can’t remember a time before monthly trips to the drug store and side effect surveys that I’m not sure if I ever told the truth on. It’s a wonder that people didn’t see a slew of addiction issues coming from a mile away.

I think I’ve always had the most contention with my PTSD diagnosis though, I hate it because I know it’s undeniably true. I wish it wasn’t because maybe that’d mean my brother was still alive, but he isn’t. And I’m left traumatized and bereaved. Sometimes it feels like it hurt me more than it ever did my mother or father. Maybe it did. I should feel selfish for saying that, but I can’t, because they didn’t have to look at him while the life left his body, praying to God for the ability to turn back time. See the moment his eyes glazed over, knowing I’d never get to hear his obnoxious laugh, or make fun of his dumb face ever again.

  ❈

             “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.”

It was a cool evening in May, the end of spring brought with it the promise of summer and the air had the familiar aroma of daffodils and petrichor. I had decided to go to a party with my friend Faun, my dad having been out at his girlfriend’s place for the weekend and me having nothing better to do. I wasn’t one for partying, but I did like to get high, so I usually just hung around with the rest of the potheads and pill junkies until someone dragged me home or I fell asleep. That night Don, a friend of a friend of a friend, had brought coke and E and we were all determined to get as fucked up as possible. Faun only ended up doing one line before running into a bedroom with some guy whose name started with an M – was it Martin or Marvin? Maybe it was Mickey – and left me sitting on the couch beside a girl who was about 1 more shot of vodka away from passing out.

I had fully intended on doing some coke, but the E seemed to be hitting harder than I was used to. I was sure my Ritalin had worn off by then but maybe I was wrong. As I stood up to get a glass of water I nearly fell over and decided to sit back down. Turning to face Don, I tapped him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.

“What was in that molly?” I was vaguely aware of the way my words were slurring, but I felt weirdly energized. I was aware my heart was beating a little too fast, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I knew what ecstasy felt like, this was not nearly my first time doing it, but I felt really wrong.

           “Don!” He turned to look at me and I felt uneasy. His eyes looked a little crazed – not that out of the ordinary but given the circumstances I was worried – “What the fuck did you give me?” It felt like I’d done 5 lines of coke in the last 2 minutes and I knew that E had been spiked.

           Don’s face had an unmistakable expression of guilt written on it as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, his voice shaking, “I think it was cut with meth.” Fuck. My stomach dropped. I have to get out of here. I quickly shot up from the musty couch I was sat on, carefully holding onto Don’s shoulder so I didn’t fall, my legs still feeling unsteady. I opened my phone; the screen was too bright, and I had a hard time maneuvering it as I attempted to exit the house. Clicking the green Messages icon, I sent a text to Faun – e ws cut w meth im lesving – with shaky hands and burst out the door into the fresh air. I clicked my brother’s contact and pressed call.

           It rang four times before he picked up.

           “Nia? Why are you calling me it’s like 1am?” I could tell from the smooth tone of his voice he’d been drinking. He didn’t very often but he had an appreciation for cocktails and enjoyed getting buzzed now and then. He still was a year from being legal to drink but his friends we’re all 19 and 20 and bought alcohol for him. I found him fun when he got drunk, becoming talkative and giggly, but right now I wished so badly for him to be sober.

           “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.” I was slurring, my voice a bit too pitchy to pass as anything but high. I knew he didn’t like it when I did this, but he never ratted me out. Sometimes I wish he did, maybe I never would’ve been able to go to that party in the first place.

           I could hear a door shutting on his end, I assumed he was going into a different room. “What’s wrong?” My skin was bubbling with anxiety at the prospect of having to tell him what I did.

           “Fuck, uh… I did something stupid. I’m at Emily Goguen’s, y’know up in Champlain Heights. Please pick me up.” I rarely used the word please.

“Nia, what the fuck did you do?” I almost started crying but I found my eyes to be bone dry.

“Please don’t yell.”

“Okay, really, tell me what is going on or I won’t come get you.”

“I accidentally took meth.”

“You what? What the fuck, Nia! Fuck this I’m on my way and I’m fucking telling Dad.” I cringed but I knew he was going to before I even called. The pit in my stomach grew deeper as the buzzing of my skin grew stronger. I could feel myself getting higher, everything was so clear and standing around was making me grow restless. Ray huffed on the phone and I heard him entering his car.

His tone was softer the next time he spoke. “I’ll be there in 5, just stay put, please. Do you want me to stay on the call or can I hang up?”

I felt like a child, which I was really, only 16 at the time, a whole life ahead of me. Still, I was grateful for the way he spoke to me, reminiscent of being 6 and getting a scrapped knee after falling off my pink Razor scooter. The high made me edgy, and my voice was sharp to my ears, “No, you can hang up.” I heard the click to indicate he’d done just that, and started pushing my cuticles as I waited, the task somehow greatly interesting me, and I did not realize until later I had managed to pick off all of the skin around my pointer and middle fingernails during the five-minute wait.

 Ray pulled up exactly five minutes later in his ugly, blue 2011 Ford Fiesta he’d gotten the year prior after passing his driving test. What I wouldn’t do now to smell the inside of that car once again, a distinct attar of pineapple car freshener and Old Spice deodorant mixed with stale black tea, faintly present due to his ever-growing collection of empty paper cups from various different fast foods and coffee shops.

I stumbled into the car, feeling the strong impulse to clean the space, but attempting to push it down. From the passenger side overhead mirror I could see my blown pupils and sweaty forehead, pieces of my copper red hair sticking to my face. My freckles were showing through my concealer that had mostly worn off and I wanted to cover them back up. My skin was pale from winter (and probably the drugs in my system) but my cheeks were flushed like I was drunk. My high cheekbones made my face look gaunt in the lighting, but my face was wide which balanced it out, so I didn’t look completely skeletal. Ray was looking at me, the worry apparent in his eyes, but his face was flushed as well, and I could tell he’d been drinking a bit too much to drive. I had my license as well, but it was clear I was in no condition to take over on that front, so I didn’t bother saying anything. I wish I had. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I hadn’t gone to that party; I wish I hadn’t taken that E; I wish I called someone else; I wish I waited it out at Emily’s; I wish I walked home; I wish I took a cab; I wish I waited for Faun; I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

“Are you okay?” He didn’t take his eyes off me as I shut the mirror in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Please just take me home.”

“Is Dad there?”

“No.”

“Maybe I should take you to Mom’s.”

“No!” I’d moved out of my mom’s completely just over 6 months ago, barely seeing her once a month. It was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. She never liked me much anyways, the feeling was entirely mutual. Ray seemed to have a close bond with her for some reason despite how she treated him like shit. I never called him out though, he no longer lived with her, so I didn’t really care what their relationship was as long as she wasn’t hurting him. She did treat him significantly better than me, however, so I figured maybe he managed to forgive her the way I never could.

“Okay, but I’m staying with you until Dad gets home. I’m not gonna lie to him about this shit. Fucking meth, Nia? Seriously?”

“It was in the molly.” He sighed and started driving.

 My brain felt like it was filled with butterflies, or ants, some kind of movement that was itching at my skull. The paper cups scattered around were making me anxious and I needed to clean his car. I began picking at my nails again, but I needed to pick up those cups, you see. I turned around and started gathering the ones Ray had discarded in the back, filling up an empty plastic bag from Best Buy. I was fully switched around in my seat, nearly crawling into the backseat to reach the trash my brother had left. I felt him tap my side, I looked over at him and he started to scold me.

“Nia, stop that will you, you’re distracting me.” But I needed to finish gathering the cups. The car was dirty, and my skin was itching, the traffic lights burning my skin. I was elated and I didn’t want to listen to him, he was just trying to get in my way. I continued to lean over, not registering the swerve of the car as he looked over at me.

“Nia – ”

He turned over to push me back into my seat, his eyes leaving the road for no more than a few seconds. This time I felt the swerve as we broke into the next lane.

 This is where I have a hard time piecing together what happened. From what I was told, we ended up running directly into a 2015 Dodge Ram 2500. In case you understandably have a lack of knowledge when it comes to cars, that is a very large, sturdy, and expensive pickup truck which I would probably consider the last vehicle you’d want to charge headfirst into while going 70km per hour. I don’t recall the actual incident of hitting the truck, whether that be from the drugs, the position I was in, or hitting my head on the roof of the car, I don’t know. What I do know is that when I woke up, we were in a ditch on the side of the road, with the car flipped upside down, and my entire body was screaming at me to Get Out!

I felt blood oozing sluggishly from my head and noted some indistinct pain in my right wrist where it had scraped something pretty badly and gotten twisted, but I otherwise felt alright. I couldn’t tell if the cloudiness in my head was from a concussion or the earlier events of the night, but I figured it was probably good I was awake, regardless of how dazed I seemed.

I turned my head to the left and was greeted by a view I will never be able to forget, it having been branded to the insides of my eyelids, scorched in my mind. Ray, with his left arm twisted in spectacular fashion, reminding me of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, after Lockhart spells away Harry’s bones. My brother had always been squeamish with broken bones and I hoped he wasn’t aware of how his limb looked at the moment. His head was bleeding quite profusely, and I was alarmed despite how many times I’d heard in movies that headwounds bleed a lot. His eyelids were fluttering, irises appearing glassy and unfocussed. And then I saw it. A piece of glass was stuck in the left side of his neck. The windshield apparently had broken with the impact and my brother was lucky enough to get a piece lodged right in his trachea. It was thick, bright red blood –  that I could’ve sworn was sparkling in my current inebriated perspective – was gushing out the side, so heavy I could smell it, taste it, in the air. I was frozen once I realized.

Do something, do something! Put pressure on it! Call 9-1-1! My mind was screaming at me, but it was all I could do to sit and watch the blood stain his clothes. He was wearing the corduroy jacket I’d gotten him for his birthday and a white button up, the red seeped into them until it was as if they’d always been that colour. My voice was caught in my throat, but I managed to push some sound past.

“Ray?” It was weaker than a whisper but in the silence that seemed to envelope us in that car, completely independent of the outside world and sirens that could surely be heard from blocks away, I knew he would be able to hear me.

He looked up, eyes focussing slightly on me, and a tear slipped down his face, only it went the wrong way since we were still upside down. He mouthed the words “I love you”. We never said that to each other. As close as we were, our relationship had always been more comparable to that of a best friend than sibling. We weren’t overly affectionate, never hugged or said I love you, hung out for enjoyment rather than as a punishment. Most people didn’t know we were brother and sister until we pointed it out, we never really looked alike and were absent of the traditional distaste and rivalry usually present between siblings. I knew, as he looked me in the eyes and said those words, this would be the last time I’d ever see him outside of a morgue.

I sat in my seat next to him with dry eyes, wishing desperately I could cry, needing to express the feeling of utter horror and despondency that completely overtook my body and mind, but I couldn’t. Barb told me time and time again that I was in shock, there was nothing I could’ve done, but I will never be able to believe that. I still remember the moment the final tear slipped down his face. He smiled at me, pain evident in his eyes. His entire body was covered in the metallic smelling red, and I wanted to vomit. I wish I could say the crash had sobered me, but it didn’t, not really. I was still entirely in a daze as I saw his muscles relax, smiling falling from his face, eyes not quite rolling back all the way but enough to give me nightmares for the next 20 years. The life had been absorbed from his body, leaving a heavy shell. I was told afterwards this all happened within the span of 10 minutes, but it felt like years. By the time the first responders had appeared I was an old woman. Grayed hair, and arthritic bones. Mourning for the brother I’d lost oh so many years ago, when I was just a girl. I think in a way I died in that car with him, I never was really the same. But who would be? Best friend and confidant, older brother, idol, dying in front of your eyes as you do nothing, knowing for the rest of your life that his death is – was – your fault. Knowing you could’ve done something, anything really, to prevent his untimely loss of life before the paramedics arrived. If I’d been the same after that night I would have to be much more disturbed than I ever thought.

I sat in that car beside Ray’s corpse for 3 more minutes before I heard the sirens closing in around us – me. I thought I might pass out, either from the toll of what I’d just witnessed or from my concussion, but I remained upright, probably from the adrenaline. I couldn’t move so I just waited, and hoped I’d die too before anyone reached the scene. It would be much preferrable to any other outcome I could think of at the time. I could vaguely register the pain in my wrist, but I felt so numb I’m sure you could’ve shot me in the foot and I wouldn’t have blinked.

A young fireman named Walter ended up getting me out of the car. The door was smashed and stuck which meant I’d been trapped in there either way. I was happy I hadn’t bothered trying to escape as I'm terribly claustrophobic and finding out I couldn’t would have thrown me into a proper panic attack. The fireman was incredibly nice, saying reassuring things the entire time they were opening the door with the “Jaws of Life”. I ended up seeing him again in the hospital actually, or at least that’s what my father told me. He wanted to check in on me and left me some hydrangeas in a vase. I always preferred chrysanthemums but I'm not that picky when it comes to a floral arrangement.

After the door was busted open I was carried out by Walter. I was shaking and apparently babbling nonsense but in my head I was trying to tell them to save Ray. I wasn’t really aware of all that much, completely blind to the crowd of spectators that had rudely gathered to witness the violence – wasn’t it supposed to be taboo to stop at a car crash? Wondering vaguely about what happened and wishing you could get a better look as you drive past the scene.  My head wound had made me a bit incompetent and the meth in my system was really not helping the entire situation.

I was laid on a gurney and rolled onto an ambulance. I don’t remember much about the ride; the sirens, the bright lights, a paramedic named Alice who spoke softly, smoothing out my hair while the other put an oxygen mask on my face (which I wasn’t entirely cognizant enough to question though now I'm not really sure why they did it) and splinted my wrist. Alice asked me if I was on drugs and I nodded but was unable to speak when she asked me what ( I would find this a common occurrence after the accident, my voice seemingly stolen alongside Ray’s). She just nodded and said something to the other ME that I didn’t quite pick up. She asked if I could tell her my name and I shook my head. She must’ve noticed the iPhone in my pocket and grabbed it, turning to the medical ID page.

“Is your name Begonia?” I nodded, though the name sounded foreign on my ears. I liked the way Alice said it though, she had a light Spanish accent and a matronly tone that made me feel safe. I wondered if she had kids of her own; she looked young, but my own mother had me at 19 so who could say? She told me her name after complimenting mine. “Begonia is a beautiful name; I love the flowers. I’m Alice, okay? We’re gonna make sure you’re alright and take you to the hospital.” Her voice was sweet like syrup and I became sleepy as she spoke.

“No honey, you can’t fall asleep yet. Just stay awake a little bit longer and I promise you they’ll let you sleep at the hospital.”

  I don’t remember anything of the rest of the ride to the hospital. I was dropped off at the Emergency Room at the Regional, head still too foggy to allow me to recall anything before I was sitting in a white bed, in a white room, with white sheets and a light blue hospital gown on. It was morning and my father was sitting at the end of my bed in an uncomfortable plastic chair, his eyes bloodshot and moist. He’d very obviously been crying for a long time and my chest panged with guilt. I reached up to feel my head and realized there was a cast on my wrist. With my other hand I touched the cotton that covered my forehead, wincing when I felt the sting of what had to be stitches in a nasty gash. I would spend the next 5 years of my life with a variety of diverse haircuts that attempted to hide the ugly scar that served as a reminder of the worst night of my life. Even now it is still extremely obvious, but I can’t be bothered to try and hide it, I so rarely look in the mirror that it wouldn’t matter if my skin turned blue.

My dad hadn’t looked up, so I attempted to gain his attention but once again found my voice failing me. I tapped on the bed a few times before he seemed to realize and face me.

“Nia… how are you feeling?” His voice was raspy and thin. He reeked of cigarettes and stale coffee, though this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I remained silent as he looked at me, searching my face for something I'm not sure he found.

“Nia, I, I'm not sure how to say this to you.” Here it comes. Almost worse than watching my brother die, the confirmation. “Ray, he’s, well dead.” I saw my father’s eyes begin to tear up again as I stared straight ahead. I couldn’t feel the sobs that racked my body, nor the hot tears streaming from my eyes. I saw my dad start to move closer but sit back down when I flinched. Of course, I knew my brother was dead; I had front row seats to watching the event happen, but somehow I still didn’t believe it until the words left my father’s mouth. According to my dad, who many years later described to me how eery the whole event was, my sobs were completely silent, and I was entirely unaware of everything happening around me. This dissociation lasted the first few days after the accident, and the entirety of my hospital stay. Leaving the blissful gap in my memory I have now.

Barb told me this was my mind’s way of coping with the tragedy and stress of what happened. I was honestly just happy I had an excuse to skip some of the dreadful retelling she forced upon me.

 ❈

             The funeral was of course a depressing and solemn event. I was still yet to speak and found myself thankful for the way people gave up on trying to get me to communicate. I dressed in a black skirt with a black short sleeved button up. A dark coat thrown around my shoulders as the cast on my right hand was too big to fit through the sleeve. I looked terrible, barely a week out of hospital before I watched Ray sink into the ground. The wound on my forehead was still quite nasty, though it looked better than it did before. I tried to cover it up with my hair but was unsuccessful. I got bangs soon after.

           The matter was very traditional, taking place in a church even though none of our family was really religious. It was only the second time I'd ever been in a church, the first having been for my cousin Julie’s wedding when I was four years old. I don’t remember anything of it aside from the material of my dress itching at my neck and making me rather miserable. Of course, not nearly as miserable as I was the day of the funeral, sitting in a pew at the front of the church, listening to a priest claiming Ray would’ve wanted us to celebrate his life. I knew this not to be true; Ray was extremely dramatic and would’ve cherished the thought of everyone he’d ever spoken to moping around for weeks after his death, beside themselves with grief. He sometimes referred to himself as “Romeo” after having been broken up with by another girl he was supposedly in love with, stating he better just stab himself in the heart now if he couldn’t have her. On the rare occasion he broke up with a girlfriend, he’d lounge around, eating ice cream, pretending to not be upset and comparing his cold heart to that of Richard VIII. The concept of him being any different over his death was almost comical; Ray was nothing if not predictable.

           I sat beside my father, who sat beside my mother (it was an extremely awkward arrangement that neither I nor my father cared for) and seemed to have the idea that I could evaporate if I thought hard enough about it. Unfortunately, I did not evaporate, or even come close to it, instead finding myself exactly where I'd been the whole time. I mostly tuned out the service, only really paying attention when my father and Ray’s best friend, Jake spoke. I managed to escape the duty of having to speak that day thanks to my fragile mental state and mutism. Though I'm sure I would’ve been forced all the same if I had been able to talk in any capacity, regardless of where my head was at.

           Faun was sitting in the pew behind me, feeling quite guilty about the whole ordeal. Or friendship dissolved soon after, I think she blamed herself for taking me to the party. It didn’t bother me too much though; we were never the closest and I sometimes thought her to be extremely annoying. An endless stream of shitty boyfriends that she only acquired so she could further repress her sexuality. When we were 14 we kissed at a sleepover and she admitted she was in love with me. I felt bad for not returning the feeling and our relationship had been on rocky territory ever since. I don’t understand how she thought she was in love with me since she barely knew anything about me, but either way she never brought it up again and soon after the monsoon of boytoys had begun.

           My brother’s friends and ex-girlfriends also attended the event. I didn’t approach any of them, far too scared they’d blame me for the death of their friend. One of them, Alex, went up to me to say how sorry he was about everything that happened. He was crying quite heavily (I later found out he was the friend Ray had been drinking with and the second last person to see him alive) and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I stood there while he spoke, telling me about how great my brother was as if I was wholly unaware. Body waving side to side as he stood with his hand on the wall beside me. He offered me some bronze liquid in a flask, and I obliged, savouring the burning sensation that followed in my throat. Alex’s voice was steady and deep, reminding me of my father’s. I’m not sure how long we stood there, him spinning a fantastic web of anecdotes and stories about my brother, some entirely new to my ears. We passed the beverage back and fourth until it was empty. My head felt lighter and heavier somehow simultaneously, and I found it much easier to listen to Alex talk. Later he tried to kiss me in my bedroom during the wake. His mouth was sour, and his tongue seemed too big for his mouth. I wondered how he was able to talk so much without it getting in the way.

             We moved in procession to the cemetery after the service. The grass was a vibrant green colour, and I didn’t understand how the world kept turning after Ray’s death, for mine stopped the moment his heart failed to beat. The sky was a lovely shade of cyan-blue, with clouds so perfect they seemed animated. Pink carnations were planted near the outskirts of the yard and I could smell spring in the air; a heavy, floral aroma that never failed to comfort me. I thought it should be raining, it felt inappropriate that the weather refused to match my despair. My mind wandered as we approached the empty grave and I considered what it would be like if Ray was here beside me. He’d probably be making jokes, telling me to lighten up for a minute or my face would get stuck that way. He’d mock my silence, saying how I never managed to shut up for a minute before but suddenly I'm as proper as a nun. I'd smile, ruffling his hair to piss him off and try to refrain from laughing aloud. The absence of him only felt stronger as I imagined this scenario, so I shoved it out of my head.

           The casket was lowered into the ground, my father was a pallbearer and I often think about how he must’ve felt carrying his son’s body before watching him being buried. My mother sobbed loudly which annoyed me, it felt a bit exaggerated. I had a few tears falling from my eyes but mostly, I just felt numb. Incredibly and absolutely empty inside. To onlookers it may have seemed as though we weren’t very close, my reaction being similar to that of his ex-girlfriends’. However, this didn’t account for the loss of my voice, or the broken state I was in mentally. Maybe it was better that my reaction was rather dulled. It meant people didn’t feel the need to approach me as they did my mother. Less concerned given she was the one playing up her emotions to the point of embarrassment. My father cried, more than I but far less than my mother. He didn’t cry very often – I'd actually only seen it once prior to the whole event – and I figured he probably needed it. At this point I felt as though I'd shed enough tears to last a lifetime so Ray wouldn’t mind if I was a bit subdued in comparison. He never was a crier anyways.

           As I sprinkled soil onto his casket I imagined he was right beside me, watching, ready to criticize as usual. The dirt stained my hand, clutching the sweat and turning my skin a muddy brown colour. As I wiped the dirt on my jacket I could hear him nagging about how I better go wash my hands, what was I, a six-year-old? He was in denial about me growing up and took every chance to remind me I was still just a kid. Not that he had much on me, but I enjoyed it. I never was one to shy away from attention; at least not before. Little quirks and inside jokes between us were always some of my favourite things, the type of humour you could only get from living with someone your whole life. No matter how much his memory will fade there are some things I can’t let myself forget. His mocking tone when he’d make fun of me is one of those things. If I ever managed to let go of that sound then I must be dead as well.

           The sun beat down on my back, my skin burning in my black clothes. I wasn’t sweating yet, but most of the men around were – suit jackets aren’t exactly known for their breathability. My nose was dry and aching red, sore from how much I'd been wiping it the last couple days. Still the sweet seeping tinge of flowers and spring managed to crawl into my nose, settling underneath my skin, the buzzing from before had returned, I could feel my heartbeat loudly in my throat and had the desperate urge to just run. Instead, I just followed the rest of the party, sitting down in the passenger seat of my dad’s car. The silence that settled over us was uncomfortable and stale. He turned on the radio, Led Zeppelin filled the air around us, thankfully relieving some of the tension. I felt in my left pocket for one of the carnations I’d picked from a nearby grave earlier. The flower had begun to wilt, heat taking effect on its delicate composition. When I got home I put it in between the pages of my oldest copy of Romeo and Juliet. Ray would have found it funny if he was around to see.

The drive to my mother’s house was short and minimally awkward. We sat in silence – aside from the music – only because there was no alternative. My hand remained clutched around the dying flower in my pocket as we left the car and entered the home. Other people had already arrived, clustered in the living room, picking at tiny ham sandwiches and various desserts my mother had undoubtedly stress-baked the day before. I wasn’t hungry so I sat as far away from the food and people as humanely possible while staying in the living room, not wishing to hear my mother’s scolding about how I need to socialize more. Eventually I managed to slip away into my old bedroom, where Alex was sitting on my bed drinking a mickey of Smirnoff I assumed he swiped from my mother’s freezer. He offered it to me, and I accepted, the weird repetitive déjà vu like act, mirroring earlier and making the whole day feel like somewhat of a dream.

When I went over this part with Barb she always felt the need to emphasize that it wasn’t a dream. I knew this, obviously, which I told her every time, but she was inclined to disbelief when it came to my denial over my brother’s death. “Begonia, you must realize he’s gone. Dwelling is helping nobody, especially not you. This isn’t a healthy mindset for you to have. Always comparing living to your dreams. I want you to tell me you understand this isn’t just some dream you can wake up from.” The first time she said that to me I was thrust into a bout of wordlessness, as it struck a bit too close to home. The next time she brought it up I just told her of course, though even now I still cannot say I fully understand. How can I when all of my assumptions have been constantly disproven time and time again. How can I ever say this isn’t a dream when I'm not even sure I'm real? James always tries to reassure me, “Bee, I'm telling you, if you can feel this beat, the pulse in your wrist, your neck, your chest, you are alive,” he’ll say while pressing my hand to my wrist, but we both know it isn’t that simple.

Me and Alex made out for a few minutes until I managed to excuse myself. He was a bad kisser and tasted disgusting. I left him sitting on my old bed while I went downstairs to find my dad. He was sitting at the counter with a can of root beer, blank expression sat upon his face. When his eyes met mine he sighed, grabbing his keys out of his pocket. It was obvious neither of us wanted to be here, for numerous reasons, so we left. And if the radio stayed off as we drove home we didn’t acknowledge the silence that time. In my hand was the crumpled carnation, and for some reason it made my chest hurt. A deep ache of dread. I could feel my heartbeat, hear it over the drum of the car engine, and I crushed the flower further. I was careful not to rip it though, as if that was crossing some kind of invisible line my mind had set for me. My fingers felt waxy when I finally let go.

Back home, I opened the copy of Romeo and Juliet. I retrieved the deteriorating plant from my pocket and placed it in the center. Closing the book, I stacked it under a few dictionaries, a magazine under it so it was trapped on either side. I sat down in front of it and cried. Not the huge gasping sobs my mother seemed to fancy, nor the quiet weeping of my father. No, I cried the tears of a child who just found out their grandparents died, the soft uncomprehending grief that overcame them as they first learned what death really meant. How long forever was. My legs pulled up to my chest, hands loosely hung around knees, unable to clasp together because of my cast. I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear the sound of Ray sighing behind me, but when I opened my eyes I was alone. I went to bed, earlier than I ever had in my life, still believing it was a dream and I'd wake up like Alice after her adventures in Wonderland. But when I awoke, I was met with the slow, oozing perdure of my reality. The one which I could not wake up from, and the one where my brother was dead.

[magicflowershop]

one day kitty; Yamaguchi version

《inspired by movie A Whisker Away》

✿✿ you wished to be with the person you like and wish granted. whiskers, button nose, tail, four legs and ears on top of the head; you turned into a cat. with this, you are given the opportunity to be with the person you want to express your affections to. but as a cat. and only in one day.

― haikyuu characters x cat!reader imagines!

❀ masterlist ❀

the wheel of names have spoken.

long story short, you knew Yamaguchi and liked him for the longest time,,, not to mention it kinda annoyed you that Tsukishima was there by his side too and kinda knows you have a crush on Yams but we’ll get to that 

you’ve been living in the same neighborhood as Yams and you just liked how he’s such a sweet guy and smiles as if everything was alright

he made you feel like you wanted to protect him kinda guy yk

:)

so,,, uh did i mention you’re a cat now? no?

nyways you’re a cat now 

for some damn reason

the last thing you remember the previous night there’s this fortune teller you went to and that you mentioned to said fortune teller you wanted to get even closer to your crush on some way possible

and you remember clearly how the fortune teller grinned at you and say

“i can make that thing some way possible”

creepy ass-

and then you woke up as a cat right next to Yamaguchi’s house

talk about convenience

you were right by their gate when Yamaguchi walked out the door, ready for school,,, instinctively you pretended to sleep out there like a lonely cold cat that’s been abandoned yk just to get his attention like that

“why is there a cat here?”

said in a very disgusted voice by Yamaguchi’s childhood friend, Tchkishima ‘Kay

Yamaguchi was just as confused bc there’s never been a cat that looked like you in their neighborhood before and he wondered if you were somebody’s pet that ran off

so Yams bein the sweetheart he is,, picked you up,, took you in his arms

and placed you in a nearby bush with all the other cats

because the cat were on the streets all defenseless like that, he was worried that it might get hit by a car or sumthin ykyk aw

so the boys left you there

gettin screeched at by the cats

bc you werent a normal cat lmao

and so you went on to your journey of ✨ stalking Yams ✨

and Tsukki gettin weirded at by you bc you were stalkin em ✨ but Yams is the star here ignore Tsukki :>

stalkin ain’t an easy job honey baby no sir no ma’am,, especially since you literally have to climb a tree just to see through the window of his classroom since animals aren’t allowed inside the school premises

you cant even sneak past the hall monitors

but thank goodness they had breaks and the boys go outside to go to the gym and practice

nyways knowin full well that you are a cat and that cats are created cute

sis mhmm did you use that advantage

except Yams is just

yk

not noticing you

lmfao

and to add to your dismay, Tsukishima’s even laughin at you 

a monster

see, Yams is just too tall and kinda too absorbed on his jump float serves that he barely turns elsewhere,, you kinda wished you were the ball

but what can you do when your crush was as much as a volleyball addict as the rest of his team,, so you try and get his attention with a different approach ;)

you annoy the hell outta Tsukishima

and when i say the hell outta him i meant the hell outta him

bc what you’ve gathered from earlier, it seemed that you were pretty blatant about your affections towards Yamaguchi that he caught onto it and even had the audacity of laughing at you :>

so you’re beautiful big brain plan was to make Tsukishima notice you, make him annoyed by you that’ll make Yams worry what’s wrong

it was a stupid yet effective idea

so literally you stared at Tsukishima all through practice, and he just tried to ignore whatever it was you were doing and you heard him whisper to Yams 

“that cat kinda reminds me of someone”

“who?”

“y/n”

“wdym?”

“annoying”

“gasp y/n isn’t annoying”

so yes your heart was leAPING IN JOY just from knowin Yams standing up for you from Tsukki of all people and dont find you annoying in human form,,, after all those times you insisted to go home with them lmao 

he doesnt find you annoying

like wow

well anywho

your craziness dont end there bc you havent had Yams to notice you yet, and after classes practice have already ended

so you let Tsukishima free from his sins and decided to proceed thy actions in,,,,, wait for it

Yamaguchi’s home

bc you nasty

bc you wanted to spend the rest of the night wif him and staying in home would be boring ykyk

but you did know you should be careful of not accidentally transforming back to human in front of him

so you took the time and waited until you thought he was already in his sleeping clothes bc common you aren’t a perv right? right

until you peeked through his window all shy and whatnot,,, to see him passed out on his bed

….

you waited more than an hour for this

your simpin ass was disappointed

but you ofc was never runnin out of bogus ideas, so you tried to act like a regular stupid cat and started tapping your lil paw beans on his window as loudly as you could,,, you could’ve started clawing his window cause thats louder but you wouldn’t damage his property common

Yamaguchi’s sensitive ass heard this and was snapped awake, a drool wavin to say hello, to see a little damn cat making a ruckus 

he opened the window and let you in 

and you gave the littlest softest meow you could manifest from ur being

Yams lit thought you were purring from the cold lmao but that doesn’t matter bc he let you in his room thank god we have progress now

he wrapped you around with a towel to keep you warm and held you close, askin you where your family was or if you were abandoned,,, yes heaven never felt this good

he was about to fall asleep when you notice it was already 11.45pm oh no

15 mins left you turn back to normal

you checked up on him to see if he asleep so you could leave his room without saying anything,, ofc you didn’t want him to see you in your sorry state as a whole simp ofc not

good thing his window stayed open,, you left without saying a word as if what you did was a one night stand and ran away 

you ran all the way back to your house as fast as you could with your tiny stealthy body but you didn’t even realize you were running mindlessly and that you got lost

oh no what the hell are you doing you’re wasting time dude

less than 8 minutes you’re turning back and somebody might see you

you retraced your steps, trying to go somewhere you recognize and spend the night there hiding from anyone’s sight,,, it was okay to spend the night somewhere bc you’ll wake up back in your house in your body as if nothing happened

yes as if nothing happened

“watch out!”

you were yanked and dragged out of the way by a person’s body,, a boy’s body to be exact and when you looked up, a pair of green and stunned eyes met yours

“… y/n?”

you were done for

it seemed that you almost got hit by a car mid-transformation and Tadashi was in time to save you as he found you idling about in front of his house

so you got back in time

you stared at him completely in shock as he was talking to the person who drove the car and apologizing,, while still holding you close you thanked every god you were still wearin clothes

“well take care that fella over there”

the driver went back inside his car after checking if you both were alright

“i will!”

sis i-

Yamaguchi then turned to you this time and with a stern expression says

“i’ll ask mom to let you spend the night, but other than that you have some explaining to do ma’am”

stay tuned for more! :>

[wolferals]

🌿ILYSB🌿

arón piper preference

••listen to „come back home“ by lauv while reading to get the feels••

*

*

•flashback•

-„no dont worry, ill visit you!" arón told you while wiping away your tears

-you were currently standing in your driveway with your parents waiting in the car behind you

-the moving van had left already before aron came over to say goodbye to his best friend

-you were moving to another country

-leaving Luarca was one of the worst things for you but your dad missed his hometown in (wherever you're from) and made all of you move

-„promise?" you asked him

-„of course! We can see each other in the summer alright?"

-you hugged him tightly and tried to enjoy this hug as if it was your last

-little did you know, it really was

•

-it was now 7 years later and you were back in spain to start studying there by next week

-so you decided to visit your cousin after you arrived

-and on a friday night you decided to go to one of the best clubs in Madrid

-she wanted you to meet some of her friends to know some people in the city when you start college

-you two looked great

-your cousin Emma was wearing a loose summery dress with her long brown curls reaching down her back

-you on the other hand were wearing a dark red top paired up with some black skinny jeans

-your hair was half up half down making your cheekbones show off

-when you entered the club it was around 9 and Emma pulled you towards a group of people

-„hey guys!" she greeted each one of them and kissed their cheeks

-„thats my wonderful cousin y/n, who is finally back, i told you about her." she said and sat down

-„hey!" you spoke to the small group and hugged them as well

-„well, welcome back y/n." a black haired guy with a mustache spoke and smiled at you

-his name was Juan

-„thank you! I mean i just got here yesterday but im really excited to live and study here."

-you guys kept talking for a while and had a lot of fun until one girl got up to talk to someone on the phone

-when she came back she looked excited

-„who was it?" another friend of Emmas asked

-„this guy i met the other day, he wants to see me and is gonna come here in 15."

-all her friends seemed happy for her but you didnt really know what to think because you just met her

-so you kept minding your own business for a while but suddenly the alcohol kicked in and you got a headache out of nowhere

-you excused yourself and headed outside to catch some fresh air

-feeling the warm spanish air hit your face made you feel a little better after some time and you decided to go back inside

-on the way to the bar you thought you heard your name and turned around while walking

-and of course you bumped into someone

-your first look fell to the floor where the person had dropped their phone

-„oh shit, im sorry.“ you spoke quickly and picked up the phone, checking if it had any scratches or cracks

-„no hay problema.“ you heard a deep voice say and gave this person their phone back

-you just looked up for a quick second, didnt really look at his face and moved past him to get back to your friends

-they were talking about something and someone then asked you if you were feeling any better

-you claimed yes and then checked your phone for a second

-with like paying half attention you heard a girl say:“oh he‘s here!“

-you figured she was talking about the date she had mentioned before

-some guy walked up to you guys, greeted you and then sat down right next to you because it was the only free seat

-you didnt look up really

-but then he said:“oh eres tú otra vez“ laughing a little

-then you looked at him for the first time

-like really

-and you stopped breathing

-it was aron

-the guy who had promised he‘d visit you after your move, then at some point got a new number and never called or texted you again

-„arón?!?“ you exclaimed loudly

-he looked at you in confusion

-„you two know each other?“

-„yes“ „no“ you two said at the same time

-did he really not recognize you?

-he looked at you like you were a stranger and it broke your heart

-„can we talk alone for a minute?“ you asked him and stood up without getting a response at first

-he agreed and you two went to the back of the club to talk a little

-„how do you know my name?“ he then asked you still looking confused as hell

-„dont you know me anymore? I‘m y/n, we used to be best friends.“

-he suddenly looked like he saw a ghost

-he stared at you, then looked you up and down and then stopped at your eyes

-„y/n?“ he asked quietly and took a step closer to you

-„you never called.“ you spoke, noticing how sad that had sounded

-he took a deep breath and then replied:“we shouldnt discuss this here.“

-after a little break he continued:“its incredible to see you, why are you here?“

-„imma start my studies in about a week.“ you said dry

-„oh thats amazing! But first, come here.“

-the boy who used to have crazy curly hair but now had a buzzcut pulled you in a hug

-he had gotten taller

-and more muscular

-and he smelled amazing

-it felt so strange yet kind of familiar to finally hug your (ex) best friends again

-„you got taller y/n/n (nickname)“ he laughed and looked at your shoes

-„well you too mr piper. Its been 7 years after all.“

-he nodded and then spoke:“thats true. Im really sorry for not texting you after you left but a lot happened, it was hard to not have you around all the time and then i got this part in a movie that kept me busy over summer and...“

-„i get it.“ you interrupted him and just looked at his face

-he didnt change much

-except that his face got more clear-cut and you could see a tattoo showing on his chest

-in his pocket you could see a pack of cigarettes

-you never thought he‘d be the type for tattoos or smoking

-but apparently its true, a lot had happened

-after talking to him for about 10 minutes

-just catching up on the past years

-you noticed that his personality hadnt changed as much as you had expected at first

-then this blonde girl came up to you and grabbed his arm

-„arón i thought this was going to be our date.“

-he nodded but then looked at me and told her:“I know and im sorry, we have to push that to another day. You know y/n and I havent seen each other in a long time and we need to catch up.“

-he pulled his arm away from her and turned around to you again

-„are you serious?“ she asked pissed off

-„yeah sorry.“ he said while staring into your eyes

-„you know what, we‘re done here.“ she basically yelled at him and left

-„that was a little rude.“ you then told him looking at her walk away

-„i mean yeah, but you‘re more important right now. You look really pretty i didnt say that before.“

-you laughed and looked away, blushing slightly

-„you look great too. The buzzcut suits you. Makes your jaw pop.“

-and after all these years never finding a best friend like he was, this beautiful human being was finally back in your life

-you were finally happy again because you knew he felt the same

-and there you were now

-two people finding back to each other after so many years, standing in a full club, just focusing on the other while „come back home“ by lauv was playing in the background

[missrose-writes-stuff]

Soulmate AU 2- Beetlejuice/Reader

Warnings: None Reader is implied female [Part One Here] [Part Three Here]

The three of you are staring at each other and you find the courage to speak. 

"Who are you two and do I need to call the cops for trespassing?" You close the door behind you. 

"We'll we're um.." the man started to speak. 

"We're the Maitlands, I'm Barbra and this is my husband Adam" The woman spoke up gesturing to herself and her husband. 

"Well, I'm (Y/N)...now why are you two up here?" You asked them.

"Well, were dead." Adam replied nonchalantly

"....So your ghosts?" You hesitated to ask. 

Barbra nodded, "Yes, this used to be our house too. Now we just haunt this place"

Now it all made sense to you why Lydia had asked why you believed in ghosts and you first came over. 

"Well it's nice to finally meet you two" You smiled at them, "but uh..who was the third voice I heard?"

"Don't worry about him, just a pest" Adam replied

You nodded, thinking you shouldn't poke any further at least not right now. You'll just ask Lydia when she feels better.

Your eyes move from the couple immediately to the model of the town in the center.

"Whoa, this is cool!" You walk closer to inspect it

"Thanks! I've been working on it since before I passed away" the male ghost walked to your side

Your eyes scanned the small town and spotted the building that would be your flower shop, it's still grey.

 "Oh hey that's my flower shop!" You said pointing to it. 

"Yeah, Lydia told us you bought it not to long ago but haven't decided on the color yet" Barbra replied

You smiled, "Looking at this actually makes me think I should paint it like a baby blue" 

"Oh! I think I have that color" Adam replied and moved to drawer full of art supplies bringing out the color. He grabbed the small building and began to paint it. Once he was done and set it back in its place you inspected it. 

"Oh! That's so pretty" you replied enthusiastically "I'll have to call up the painter tomorrow" 

Adam and Barbara smiled at your enthusiasm it felt nice to them to finally have more people to talk to, it still made them feel like they were alive. 

You looked around the room taking more of it in and your eyes landed on a stuffed animal sitting in the corner of a shelf. Your eyebrows scrunched up in confusion and you walked towards this. As you get closer you realize it's your stuffed animal that you lost as a kid.

"Hey..um..where did this come from?" You asked the couple pointing to the bear. 

"Oh, that bear?" Adam replied and you nodded 

"He brought it over not that long ago saying that's one thing he didn't want to lose. Said he got it about 15 years ago? Said he almost lost it.” Adam said.

"Yeah, he was also saying something about it being his soulmates bear" Barbra added 

"I'm surprised he even has one really" Adam shook his head, "I feel sorry for whoever that is."

You felt nauseous, whoever they were talking about and clearly didn't like was your soulmate. You also felt embarrassed thinking about all the articles of clothing that you lost in your life. 

"Fuck.." you said softly running your hands down your face embarrassed.

"Hey, are you okay?" Barbra stood next you rubbing your back. 

"Oh no, don't tell me that's yours" Adam spoke up.

You nodded, "I lost this bear about 15 years ago…" 

Barbara and Adam looked each other concerned while you ran your fingers through your hair trying to calm down. As far as you can tell your soulmate is a spirit and an asshole one at that apparently. "Is that even allowed?" You thought to yourself. You also felt extremely anxious because your soulmate was literally nearby but you haven't met him yet. 

"I think I'm going to go lay down…" you mumbled to the couple walking out of the attic Barbara and Adam watching you anxiously. You walk into the guest bedroom and lay down on the bed. This was quite frankly all too much for you. How would you even explain your soulmate to your parents? "Hey mom and dad! This is my soulmate and he's dead," would that even work? You sigh and grab a pillow and squish your face into it, letting out a small scream of frustration. After a while you calm down and fall asleep, but not without the feeling of someone watching you.

As soon as Lydia got better you took her out to the shopping, she wanted to go to the photography store getting new film. You had already talked to her about the fact that you met the Maitlands and you really loved them. They sorta became like a second pair of parents yo you. You’ve even helped Adam with his model of the town, arranging the fake plants on the model. In the few days you still havent met your soulmate but you’ve heard his voice here and there. “Hey Lydia..can I ask you about the third voice I hear around the house?” You ask “What about him?” She asked “I uh…” You hesitated, “I found out..that I am...his soulmate” 

Lydia's eyes widened, “Wait? How did you find out” 

“When I met Adam and Barbara, up in the attic…” You started, “The bear sitting on the shelf...it’s mine. I lost it as a kid” 

Lydia’s face of shock soon turned into a face full of glee, “Well now you got to meet him!” She said grabbing your hand, “I can’t believe he didn’t tell me!” she ranted to you. 

She proceeded to yank you towards the exit of the building back to your car, “Now we gotta get something from your house that's his! What has he lost?”

You try to keep up with the gothic teen practically tripping over your own feet. 

“I uh, I have a tie actually. Looks really old and really worn out.” You replied, “Also has the initials ‘BJ’ embroidered on it and surprisingly a lot of cigarettes.”

“Good! Now we have to go get it and go back to my place” Lydia was practically bursting with enthusiasm. More than you’ve ever seen her do before. 

Soon you made it to your house and you quickly grabbed the box filled with the tie and cigarettes and made it back to Lydia’s house. She told you to stay put in the kitchen as she went upstairs to the attic. You sat down on a random stool in the kitchen to wait. A few minutes passed and it felt like an eternity to you, you were beginning to get nervous as the time ticked away. 

“C’mon Beej, don't be nervous!” You heard Lydia’s voice coming closer to the kitchen, “She’s your soulmate! She’ll love you”

“This isn’t some prank isn’t it?” He asked, “Not revenge for the last time, right?”

The voices got closer to the kitchen and you swear you were about to pass out. 

“(Y/N)?” Lydia’s voice calls out to you, “This is Beej! Your soulmate”

You look up from your lap and make eye contact with a man a bit taller than you, wearing black and white striped suit. His stubble and messy green hair and dark sunken eyes.  “What if I pass out right now?” You thought to yourself and next thing you know you’re tumbling down while Lydia screamed out your name and you see your soulmate reaching out for you.

[softforcal]

Coverup : Soulmate!AU C.H

summary: Soulmates have the same matching mark/tattoo at birth. Calum has a mark and doesn’t believe in love, angst ensues 

word count: 3k

warnings: angsty slow burn stuff

special thank you to @notoriouslyhood for letting me bounce this idea off of her

---------------------------

when Calum was born, the doctors and nurses in the delivery room marvelled over the small, perfect black mark on his skin.

only half the population was lucky enough to be bestowed a mark that could identify them to their soulmate who would, in turn, have the exact same mark. 

growing up was difficult for Cal. other children always wanted to look at the beautiful design on his bicep. From an early age he always found himself looking for the same mark. it was exhausting. 

and he never found it.

he watched as the lucky few found their matching mark in another. watched the smiles and the laughter, the instant connection.

he began to hate his tattoo. opting to cover it but the hot summers in Australia made that near impossible.

Calum was 15 when he had his first love. 

his first i love you left his mouth like the most natural thing in the world and the girl reciprocated. but every time she looked at his arm her smile would falter. she broke his heart a year later, he wasn't hers. no matter how much Cal had pleaded and told her that his mark didn’t matter, she refused to stay.

Calum joined a band and distracted himself with music which generally worked, until his band began to gain popularity and he realized what being famous and having a mark would mean.

he’d heard of musicians who were openly marked. heard of the crazy fans getting the same tattoo and convincing the celebrity that they were soulmates.

Calum had lost his trust in love and in people the day the girl who promised the mark didn’t matter left and all her words became lies.

He got his first tattoo a short time later in the hopes that if he decorated himself, it would be less obvious which mark was the original soulmate tattoo.

he fell in love with the needle and would spend hours looking at different designs. meaningful designs to remind him of the true love in his life, his family.

and then he came across a piece that reminded him of his roots. a Native Headdress. 

walking into the tattoo parlour, Calum explained to the artists: “i got this tattoo a while ago and i really hate it and want is covered, do you mind putting this on top of it? would it work?”

the artist agreed and a few hours later the small star mark that had always been on his arm was gone, replaced by a beautiful piece that Calum already adored.

and life for Cal continued.

he no longer found himself looking at other peoples arms and for most of the time, Calum could forget that somewhere in the world was his soulmate.

he tried not to think about it. 

and in some ways he harboured resentment against them too. 

but he also tried not to think about that.

only a select few knew Cal’s secret and Cal preferred it that way.

his band got bigger. and bigger. and bigger.

he distracted himself with a new girl in every city, skin unblemished by the mark that had haunted Calum for years. he enjoyed the simplicity. the freedom.

Calum met you at a bonfire party in LA. wrapped in a hoodie you were the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. he talked with you while people danced around, drunk on life and being young and rich and famous.

sitting next to you in the sand and talking until everyone else had either fallen asleep in the sand or gone home. the sun rose and you stood to leave, Cal standing to offer you a ride. “i’d rather walk.” you responded, giving him a hug, “i’ll see you around Calum.” and then you walked down the beach, Calum watching you disappear.

weeks passed with you constantly on his mind. it was the most connection he’d had in... well... ever. But Cal refused to think it was anything more than sexual attraction and friendly interaction. after all, he didn’t believe in love.

a month later he was at a party and felt the need to grab a smoke. going outside he was shocked to find you sitting there, once more wrapped in a hoodie. you grinned when he approached, “fancy seeing you here.”

“could say the same to you.” he smiled, sitting on the lawn chair next to you, “what are you doing out here?”

“just needed some air.” you answer, watching him take out a cigaret and put it between his lips, switching on his lighter.

“this doesn’t bother you does it?” he asked, stopping.

“as long as you don’t blow it my way.” you answer.

Calum chucked, taking a long drag and blowing it the other way before turning back to look at you. you looked so cute in the oversized hoodie.

he tore his eyes from you, “so uh... JFK an inside job huh?”

and just like that the two of you began a discussion that lasted well into the early morning, covering all sorts of conspiracy theories. Calum found himself laughing more than he had in ages.

once again the two of you watched the sun rise and like a princess leaving at morning light you stood again, “i should get going.”

“let me grab your number.” he suggested, “or i could just cross my fingers and hope to bump into you at the next party.”

you laugh and give him your number, “catch you later Cal.”

and like that, you were gone again, prompting Cal to whip out another cigarette, that always seemed to help him think.

girls were always just sex. they could never be anything more because they would always leave. they’d find out about Calum’s original mark, unless he lied the entire relationship, and then, just like the first girl he’d ever loved, they would leave.

and his real soulmate? well where the fuck was she. Cal knew that the mark wasn't her fault, i mean she couldn’t just choose to not be born but part of him blamed her. no matter how unmerited the feeling of distain and resentment was, Cal couldn’t shake it.

a week later, Cal was invited to a party and messaged you to see if you were going. you say you are and agree to meet outside at around 10.

you were so perfectly situated when he finally got outside. sitting all cuddly on a deck chair, wrapped in the same hoodie Cal always saw you in, smiling at his approach. 

after a bit of back and forth you let out a sigh, “Cal i need to tell you something.”

“okay?” he laughed, already on edge from your tone.

“whatever this is... it can’t happen. i’m marked.” you explain, “and i’m waiting for whoever he is.”

“thats okay.” he answered, “i’m marked too.”

“have you found her yet?” you asked, “i mean you haven’t mentioned-”

“no. and i don’t want to.”

“what? why?” you laughed, “thats crazy!”

Calum shrugged, “just don’t really believe in the whole thing.”

“you can’t just not believe in it. you had a mark at birth!” you pointed out. 

Calum shrugged again, “my mark never brought me anything but trouble.”

“well, i’m sure that won’t be the case when you finally find her Cal.” you smiled, “she’s out there.”

“i like being alone. i’m on the road a lot.” he answered, “don’t have time for a distraction.”

“a distraction? did you seriously just call your future soulmate a distraction? wow i feel so bad for the girl.” you teased. 

“she would be a distraction!” Calum grinned.

“yeah whatever, you’re heartless.” you rolled your eyes, “hey, wanna see my mark? everyone always asks but you havent.”

“thats because i have a mark so i know how annoying it is to be asked constantly.” Calum shrugged.

“makes sense. i’m sure you’ll see it soon. it’s getting warmer. i can’t keep wearing this hoodie forever.”

“it’s a nice hoodie.”

the night continued and for a third time, you talked until the sun came up.

it almost made it easier knowing that you were marked. taken. spoken for.

and you knew what it was like to keep yourself secluded. at a distance.

it was different. Cal kept people at a distance because he hated his soulmate. you kept people at a distance because even though you had never met your soulmate, you loved him.

Cal didn’t understand it. but he respected it.

a week later Ash decided to through a big party celebrating the completion of their new album. Cal messaged you right away. he was already depending on you as a party buddy and he kind of liked that. he needed more friends. or at least, more female friends.

and you were safe. because of the mark.

of course you agreed to go. 

“so whens she coming?” Ashton asked the day of the party as Cal helped him set up.

“i dunno.” Cal answered, “she’ll be here.”

“so she’s just a friend?” Luke asked, already sipping on a beer.

“yeah she’s marked. saving herself for her soulmate that sort of thing.” Cal answered absentmindedly.

“so you actually like her?” Michael grinned, “that’s new.”

“you guy don’t know what it’s like to be marked. she does. its easy with her.” Cal shrugged.

“i think it’s a good thing. can’t wait to meet her.” Ashton grinned.

you arrived an hour into the party, Calum grinning at you as he opened the door to let you in. “you staying inside for a bit or are you going straight to the back to find a lawn chair?” Calum teased.

“i think i’ll stay inside for a bit.” you laugh.

“let me take your jacket.” Cal suggested.

“thanks.” you say, pulling the hoodie over your head and handing it to him to hang up. once it was put away he turned to look at you, eyes landing on your bicep. you noticed his gaze and grinned, “oh yeah! here’s the mark! people always say it kind of looks like a small star.”

his mouth was dry as his eyes stayed fixed on your arm. he hadn’t seen that mark in years. not since he got his own covered up. he’d almost forgotten what it looked like but there it was, clear as day. 

he could hear the blood pumping through his body. 

“Calum?” your voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

“i guess it kind of looks like a star.” he agreed, “i want you to meet my friends, let me go grab them.”

he turned and left in a hurry and you looked around.

Calum found Ashton and Luke in the kitchen, “Y/N’s here and you two have to meet her but you can’t bring up her mark.”

“what why?” Luke asked.

“because it’s a small star.” Calum stated.

both of their eyes widened as they realized what that meant. “she’s your soulmate!” Ashton whisper screamed.

“did you tell her?” Luke asked.

“no and i’m not going to.” Cal answered.

Ashton opened his mouth to say something when his eyes landed on you entering the kitchen, “you must be Y/N!” he grinned, pulling you into a hug.

“and you’re Ashton and Luke?” you asked.

“that would be us.” Luke grinned, hugging you, “nice mark.”

“thanks.” you smiled.

“have you found the lucky man yet?” Luke asked, looking at you over the rim of his cup.

“nope. but i’m sure he’ll find me when the time is right. sorry, i’m kind of sappy about it, i’m a bit of a romantic.” you grinned, hiding your face with your hands.

Cal felt a twinge of guilt in his chest and frowned, “what if he’s an asshole?”

“have you ever heard about two soulmates and ones an asshole?” you laughed.

“she’s got you there mate.” Ashton laughed.

“i just think... Soulmates are kinda rare and they always work. always. and i’m hopeful, even if you aren’t Cal. i can be hopeful for both of us and when you find yours i’ll be there for you to admit she’s not just a distraction.” you grinned, poking him, “hey what’s your mark look like?”

“its on his ass.” Ashton said before Cal could make an excuse himself. 

“oh, so i guess i don’t want to see that.” you laughed.

“Cal when do you think you’ll find your soulmate?” Luke asked.

“i’m not looking.” Calum answered, grabbing a beer, “Y/N there’s a super nice pool chair outside with your name on it.”

“you sure know your way into my heart.” you teased, “nice meeting you guys.” you said before following Calum outside.

“are you sure you’ll find him? your soulmate?” Calum asked.

“i know i will. it’s fate. thats how this works.” you answered.

“and you’re sure it will work out?”

“Look Cal, if you’re worried about finding your soulmate i get it. i do. but you have to have more hope dude, she’s out there, i know it.” you smiled, nudging him gently.

once more, the guilt made Cal’s chest hurt.

this night was not like the others.

the conversation wasn't easy. Cal kept finding himself distracted. he was conflicted but he tried not to show it.

so he’d distract himself by looking at you. and that made it worse of course.

Ashton watched most of the night and he could see Calum floundering so he jumped in to talk to you as well. and so became that dynamic. 

Calum needed to be near you but he was conflicted, Ashton would act as a crutch. he would be there until Calum could walk on his own and tell you the truth and Ashton was okay with that.

the three of you were together at Calum’s place a few weeks later, Calum was cooking while you and Ash talked about them being a band. “i can’t believe you two have known each other for so long.” you smile, “i bet you guys were such cute kids.”

“i have pictures!” Ashton grinned, whipping out his phone. he opened a folder and clicked on an old picture of him and Calum in his basement, showing it to you. 

your eyes scanned the phone, “oh.” 

the sound left your mouth and Ashton frowned, “what is it?” 

“is that...” you zoomed in on the photo, “on Calum’s arm... I... uh...” 

Ashton’s heart sunk in his chest. he never really worried about the mark because he didn’t have one. 

“oh that?” Ashton asked, taking the phone back, “Calum used to love drawing all over himself-”

“Ashton please.” you said, looking into his eyes then at Calum through the window who was cooking in the kitchen, “that mark on his arm looks like mine.”

“you really have to talk to Calum.” Ashton answered with a sigh.

you stood, walking into the house and closing the door behind you. Calum grinned, “hey, food’s almost done.”

you walked past him, turning the stove off, “what are you-” Calum began but you cut him off, “shush.”

you grabbed his arm, looking at the beautiful headdress tattoo on his arm, you could barely see it but the original mark was still slightly visible. 

the small star.

“Y/N-” Calum began.

“why did you lie?” you asked, letting go of his arm, “you know how much this means to me.”

“i was scared.” Calum answers.

and you’re kind of shook because it’s a real and raw answer. 

“i never believed in the whole thing.” Calum sighed, “you know that. i told you how i felt about it. when i saw your arm at the party... i dont know... i got scared.”

you looked into his eyes, at the guilt. you wanted to be mad. you did. but you understood. ‘maybe this is the whole soulmate thing’ you realized. because looking at Cal mad all of those negative feelings disappeared.

and he could see your expression soften, “i’m really sorry, i get it if you’re mad.”

“im not. i should be. but i’m not.” you cut him off, “i understand Cal. and i get it if you don’t love me right away-”

he grabbed your face before you could finish your sentence, lips pressing against yours. you melted. the way he kissed you felt right. it felt complete. it felt like nothing you’d ever experienced in your entire life. 

when Calum pulled away, the dazed look in his eyes told you he felt the same.

“i’m really sorry. i want to make it up to you.” Calum sighed, pressing his forehead against yours.

“you just did.”

he grinned, “i haven’t believed in love in years. and you came around and part of me knew it before i even saw your mark. part of me always knew. and i do love you. it scares the shit out of me. but i do. i’m not used to being vulnerable-”

“i would never hurt you Cal.” you whispered.

“i know. i’m worried i’ll hurt you.” he sighed.

“you won’t. Cal. you just lied to me for like a month and i’m fine.” you laughed, “i mean, don’t go doing stuff you know will make me upset to see if this whole soulmate thing actually sticks because if you do that i will kick your ass.”

you both laughed as his fingers brushed against your face, “i won’t lie to you again.”

“i know.” you paused, “i can’t believe you covered your mark, i always thought the little star looked cute-”

“it looks cute on you.” Calum grinned, fingers moving down to trace the mark.

you smiled up at him, “so are you going to change my contact name on your phone to ‘distraction’ now or what?”

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

[fanfics4all]

Seeing The Past

Request: Yes / No Heyo! If it’s not too much trouble (which is fine if you’re busy!), can I get a 15, and 33 with Rick Grimes? Thank you! @arthur-morgans-sweetheart

Request are closed <3 Have a nice day/night

Rick Grimes x Rhee!Reader

Word count:  1926

Warnings: Glenn’s death  

Y/N: Your Name

Y/N/N: Your Nickname

PLEASE DO NOT STEAL MY WORK, I WORK HARD ON MY FICS AND IT’S NOT COOL TO STEAL SOMEONE ELSE’S WORK!

If you want to be on the tag list for anything (My series fics, specific character fics, or just all of them) All you have to do is send me an ask and I will add you!

Masterlist

(Not my photo, credit to whoever made it!)

Who knew the end of the world would happen this way? Dead people roaming the earth… People seeing their loved ones as rotting corpse walking around or lying dead on the ground. It was a depressing world, but my brother helped me keep surviving. Glenn Rhee was the one person I was living for still. We may not be related by blood, but he was my older brother (By only a year, but he acted like I was way younger.). I was adopted by his parents before the world went to shit. He was always protective of me and when the dead started walking, he was even more protective. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere outside of where we were staying without him. He knew I could handle myself, but he didn’t want to take any risks. When our group found Alexandria, Glenn was so happy. He thought we were finally in a safe place and so did I. Glenn, Maggie, and I had our own house with running water and everything! It was amazing that a place like this still existed! It almost felt normal… That was until someone named Negan came into the picture…

Glenn went with some of our people to take care of the Saviors and Negan. I was told to stay back. Glenn and I fought and he ended up winning. Before they left I ran to the gate.

“Glenn!” I called to my brother and he turned around.

“‘I told you you’re staying here!” He said with a slight glare.

“I know, I am. I just wanted to say I love you and you better come back to me in one piece.” I said with a worried tone. His face softened and pulled me in for a hug.

“Y/N/N, don’t worry. We’ll be back before you know it.” He said smiling down at me.

“Please be careful…” I said and he nodded.

“I love you squirt.” He said ruffling my hair. Then I watched them leave and the gate close.

It was a week when the group came back. I watched the gate open and everyone walk in. I ran up to them and looked for Glenn. I didn’t see him. I didn’t see Maggie. I didn’t see Abraham. I didn’t see shasha. I didn’t see Daryl. I looked at what was left of the group confused and worried.

“W-Where’s Glenn?” I asked. Everyone looked at me sadly and the looked at Rick.

“Y/N-”

“Where is my brother?” I asked louder and more worried.

“I’m sorry…” Rick said and my eyes glossed over.

“No… No! He can’t be dead! What did you do!?” I shouted at him.

“Hey, it wasn’t his fault.” Carl said.

“Like hell it wasn’t! It was his idea to go after them in the first place!” I shouted with tears falling down my face.

“I’m sorry Y/N…” He said shaking his head.

“How did he die?” I asked looking at the ground, watching my tears hit the dark ground.

“You don’t want to know.” He said.

“That’s not your decision to make! How did my brother die?” I asked glaring at him through tear filled eyes.

“Negan. We didn’t kill them all… Negan killed him.” He answered.

“How?” I asked not accepting that as the answer.

“You don’t need to know that…” He said.

“Tell. Me. How. My. Brother. Died.” I said determined to know.

“He bashed his head in… there was blood all over the ground…” Rick said and I let out a cry.

“W-where’s his b-body?” I cried.

“Maggie took it with her to Hilltop. Her and Sasha.” He answered.

“This is your fault.” I said and ran into my house.

That happened months ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday…  My brother was dead. The one person that I was surviving for is dead. The rest of the group had been keeping their eyes on me because they thought I was a danger to myself. They weren’t wrong. I was a danger to myself, that’s why they took all my weapons from me. I could hear my brother’s voice every day and it was driving me crazy. He would tell me how this isn’t how mom and dad would want me to act. How he was worried about me. How I should leave my room. How I shouldn’t have hurt myself. How I should be living my life like he taught me. How I should be surviving…

“Hey Y/N?” The voice of the man I never wanted to see again rang through my room. I didn’t answer and just kept staring at the wall.

“Are you okay?” He asked. Again, I ignored him. He sighed and I felt him sit next to me on my bed.

“Glenn wouldn’t want you living like this.” He said and I looked at him for the first time since he told me my brother was dead.

“Don’t you say his name.” I growled at him.

“Y/N, Glenn would want you to survive, to fight-”

“He’s dead because of you!” I shouted getting up.

“Negan killed him not-”

“You’re the reason he was out there in the first place! He only went because of you! You killed him!” I shouted crying once again.

“I’m sorry…” He sighed.

“Get out.” I said.

“Y/N please, just let me talk.” He said and I growled.

“Get the hell out of my house!” I shouted and threw a book at him. Rick got up and I heard him shut the front door. I sat back on my bed and hugged my knees crying.

“You need to forgive him.” I heard Glenn say.

“He killed you…” I said looking up at him.

“No Y/N/N, Negan killed me not Rick.” He said and I shook my head.

“You went because of Rick…” I cried.

“I went because of you. I wanted to keep you safe and I knew that would be the only way to do it.” He said and I stared at him.

“You died because of me then?” I asked crying more.

“No, I died because of Negan.” He said and I swear I could feel his arms around me.

“You need to forgive Rick.” He said.

“Only if you don’t leave me again…” I said.

“I’ll never leave you.” He said and again I swear I could feel him kiss my head like he always did.

A week after that Glenn kept telling me to forgive him. I figured Rick would come check up on my again, but he never did. My brother told me to leave the house and apologize and forgive him. So for the first time in months, I showered, got dressed in something other than just Glenn’s clothes, but I still wore his sweatshirt. I walked downstairs and grabbed the handle to the front door.

“Just open the door Sis.” He said and I took a deep breath.

“You’ll be there with me right?” I whispered. I thought I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“Always.” He said and I opened the door. The sunlight felt nice on my skin, I haven’t seen it in so long. I could feel everyone looking at me. I kept my head down and walked to the Grimes’ house. I knocked on the door and after a few minutes I looked up to see Carl answer.

“Y/N? You’re- You’re here…” He said shocked and I nodded my head.

“Um… is your dad home?” I asked and he nodded.

“Yeah, come on in.” He said moving to the side. I walked in and he called up to his dad. Rick walked down and looked at me shocked.

“Carl, why don’t you go check on Rosita.” Rick said to his son. Carl nodded then left the house.

“Is everything okay, Y/N?” He asked.

“Forgive him.” My brother’s voice said to me.

“I’m sorry I blamed you… Glenn wouldn’t blame you.” I said and he looked at me shocked once again.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t bring your brother back to you.” He said walking closer to me.

“It’s okay… I know he’s always with me.” I said and Rick pulled me into a hug. I looked behind him to see Glenn smiling at me.

After that day Rick was keeping me close to him. He was actually really sweet and caring. He actually asked me on a date, which I thought was weird seeing as it was the end of the world, but I accepted. It was surprisingly nice, he made dinner, we watched some movie he had in their house, and the night ended with a kiss. It was a pretty nice night, and I haven’t had one of those since Glenn died…

We got into a relationship and everyone was shocked to say the least. But when they saw my smile back they understood. They were happy to see me back to normal. Well to them I was normal, but my brother haunted me. I wasn’t even sure if it was his ghost or if he was something my mind made up to help me cope. Rick wanted me to move in with him and Carl after a few months, but I was scared to. I didn’t want him to know about Glenn…

“Glenn?” I asked when I didn’t see him with me.

“Glenn? Where are you?” I asked my eyes starting to water. There was no answer.

“Glenn please!” I called out and tears left my eyes.

“Glenn, Don’t die on me– Please.” I cried holding my knees to my chest.

“Shhh, I’m right here Y/N/N.” I heard him say and I looked up to see him smiling at me.

“Where were you? I thought you were gone again.” I said sobbing.

“I’m sorry, Sis, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said.

“You can’t leave me like that! I can’t do this without you!” I said and he pulled me to him.

“Don’t worry little sis, I’m never leaving you.” He said.

“I love you Glenn.” I said.

“Y/N?” I heard Rick’s voice. I looked up and saw him looking concerned.

“Rick? What are you doing here?” I asked and looked my brother.

“Who are you talking to?” He asked looking around my room.

“N-No one…” I said.

“I heard you say your brother’s name. Do you see him?” He asked walking closer to me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I said and glanced at my brother.

“Tell him.” Glenn said and I shook my head.

“No…” I whispered, but Rick heard.

“You are seeing him… How long?” He asked.

“I’m not seeing my-”

“Don’t lie to me.” He said sitting next to me on the bed.

“How long?” He asked.

“Since he died…” I said and he sighed.

“Y/N, he’s gone…” He said and I shook my head.

“No! He said he’d never leave me!” I cried and he pulled me to him.

“He’ll always be in your heart, but he’s not here Y/N.” He said and I shook my head.

“I can’t do it without him…” I said and he pulled my face up to look at him.

“You have me.” He said and looked into his eyes.

“I love you Y/N, and I’m going to do right by Glenn and protect you. Including protecting you from yourself.” He said then captured my lips in a kiss. It was sweet and mixed with the saltiness of my tears.

“Let me help you.” He said and I nodded.

“Okay…”

Tag list: @les-bio-lie @tashy-bear @xrosesareredx @herokyolachan @ashwarren32 @hollie-blogs @schisbro87 @lover-of-books-and-teas @nerdygaloresposts @alex--awesome--22 @teenwolfbitches2 @genius2050 @drw0301bieber @tigermillionaire-philanthropist @marveloverdcsstuff

[johnnysnostril]

You’ve Always Been Mine

chapter 15

`jooheon

i sat in my room, looking at the ceiling. it was already about to be 3am- and i hadn’t slept. i reached down for my phone and tried calling nori again. this time, it rang.

i sat up, hopeful that she would answer. “come on, nori. pick up.” i said annoyed.

i tossed my phone on the nightstand as it went straight to voicemail. what could she be doing right now? why weren’t the guys back. 

my mind raced with thoughts of nori and wonho. i groaned as my mind went back to the after party incident. 

pacing my room, i brushed my fingers through my hair and bit down on my bottom lip. 

i gotta see her.

i grabbed my hoodie, throwing it on over my head and snatched up my phone.

on my way out, kihyun came out of his room.

“jooheon? where are you going?” he whispered.

i rolled my eyes, ignoring his statement and left the dorm.

arriving at nori’s apartment, i jumped out of the car- racing straight to her door.

“nori!” i called out as i knocked.

i waited for a few minutes- no answer.

i knocked again.

“please- i just wanna talk. let me explain” i voiced desperately. 

i sat there for a minute, before realizing that no one was home. where in the world could she be? 

`nori

i gently cleared my throat as wonho approached me.

“i could go get something for you, if you like-”

his eyes never wandered. part of me wanted him to look, but the other half- didnt.

“t-that would be great. thank you.” i finally announced. wonho shook his head and snickered. 

“i dont remember you ever being this nervous.” he said as he walked to the door. “any special request?” 

i shook my head. “whatever you like, is fine with me.” i tugged the sleeves over my hands and gave a polite smile. 

“oh wait-” i said holding up my finger. i quickly ran to my room, grabbing the extra room key from the dresser and handed it to wonho.

“just in case i end up falling asleep.” i chuckled.

wonho nodded, taking the key and slipping it in his back pocket- then left.

i relaxed my shoulders and exhaled with relief, running back into my room and shutting the door- before shownu woke up, looking for a late night snack too.

before i could get back in bed, i heard a phone ring. i furrowed my brows and tilted my head.

“oh.. that’s me.”

i hadn’t had a phone in so long, that it didn’t even register for a moment. searching the room for my purse, i yawned and tossed my dress off to the side- finding my purse hiding. 

retrieving the phone, jooheon’s name popped up. i guess he saved his number before giving it to me.

i sighed and let it ring, as i stared at the screen.

i wanted to answer, i really did. but i just couldn’t- literally. my fingers weren’t moving.

i missed him badly. i wanted nothing more than to be with him, at this exact moment. but, he just pissed me off so much. i felt like he really didnt have my back with this whole seulgi thing.

and wonho was right. jooheon should be treating me better. this wasnt fair to me. and to be honest- im really pissed off that he didnt even tell me about the award show in the first place. AND for making me think that he invited me, then showed up with her.

i huffed then placed my phone back into the bag, tossing the entire thing on the floor- once again.

i should really just give him a taste of his own medicine. see how he’d like it.

i rolled my eyes, pulling off wonho’s sweater and the alcohol panties- jumping back into the robe. i felt this was a little more appropriate for when wonho got back.

`wonho

after picking up some food, i made my way back to the dorm for a few things. shownu and i needed something to change into once we left the girls, and i figured misun would appreciate something of shownu’s as well.

afted i packed the bags- i knocked softly on jooheon’s door. i figured the least i could do, was let him know that nori was safe. if he even cared.

the lights were off and it was extremely quiet, which was weird. he would normally be playing music or rapping to himself.

turning the knob, i opened the door to an empty room- a little disappointed. i honestly, didnt even want to be fighting with him. it wasnt like us. but, i knew nori was a sensitive topic and i guess he felt a lot for her. i couldnt blame him- she’s an amazing girl.

sitting down on the bed, i sighed- thinking of how this thing was going to be fixed.

“wonho?”

i snapped my head in the direction of the door and there stood kihyun, squinting his eyes.

“what are you doing in here? jooheon’s not here.” he said rubbing his eyes.

“where’d he go?” i questioned.

kihyun shrugged.

“i have no idea- he just left.” he ran his fingers through his hair as we were quiet for a moment.

“how are the girls?” he asked folding his arms. i laughed a bit.

“why do you care? you dont even like them.” i announced.

kihyun breathed out heavily.

“it’s not that i dont like them- i just seen all this drama happening before it even unfolded. and no one ever listens to me.” he shrugged.

i stood up from jooheon’s bed and hummed.

“so, that means you have to be disrespectful to two women who did absolutely nothing to you?” i said walking past him.

kihyun was quiet and didnt move an inch. he stood there for a minute or two, before following me out to the front door.

“you’re right.” he said softly.

i looked back at him- and for once, he looked like he was actually sorry for something. i knew that hell would have to freeze over, in order for him to actually say those words though.

we stood in silence for a moment before i flashed a small smile. i understood and so did he. words didnt even have to be exchanged at this point.

“they’re fine. i’ll tell them you said hello.”

we both nodded then i made my way back out to the car.

`nori

hearing a knock, i shot up from the bed and ran down the hall- opening the front door for wonho. he had two bags strapped on his shoulder and a few bags of food.

“i guess you didnt need the key after all.” i said chuckling. “that was fast.”

shutting the door behind him, i grabbed the food from his hands and placed it on the counter- before looking inside. “you know, sushi is my favorite.” i giggled.

“so i’ve heard.” wonho grinned as he placed the two bags on the couch. “oh, before i forget.” he said reaching in his back pocket.

he froze for a moment.

“shit.” he mumbled.

“what’s the matter?” i asked, tilting my head.

“i think the key fell out of my pocket.” he said looking down at the floor. i shook my head and laughed softly. “it’s okay- we have another one. dont worry about it.”

he hummed, turning his attention back to the bags. “i figured you’d be more comfortable in these.” 

wonho held up a pair of sweatpants and a familiar looking shirt. tossing one of the sushi rolls in my mouth, i looked down at the counter.

“jooheon’s?” i mumbled. 

“yes.” he said plainly. “felt this would be a little more respectful to you.” 

i glanced up at him and his expression was soft. as i chewed, i thought about what i said to myself earlier. about jooheon, getting a taste of his own medicine. he needed to feel the type of hurt that i was feeling, and boy was i ready to give it to him.

“i think i would sleep better if i had something of yours.” i said quietly.

wonho’s brows lifted and he chuckled.

he nodded and didnt argue with my statement- as he walked back over to the bags, grabbing some clothes for me. 

was i doing the right thing?

picking up another roll, i tossed it in my mouth before walking over to him. he smiled as he turned around, handing me his sweatpants and a oversized t-shit. i took them, thanking him- then ran off to the bathroom to change.

stepping into the sweatpants, i laughed as i pulled them up. they were obviously way too big. i rolled them at the waist then slipped into his t-shirt.

leaving the robe on the bathroom floor, i walked out- and wonho was shirtless.

“oh..uuh-” i said blushing. i quickly turned around and he laughed.

“stop being weird- you’ve seen me shirtless countless times on stage.” he said calmly. “its okay.”

meeting his eyes, he shook his head and walked over to the sushi, grabbing the boxes and bringing them over to the couch. “come sit with me.” he said angelically. i followed behind him like a lost puppy dog, and plopped down on the cushion. it was hard to keep my eyes off his body, if im going to be honest.

part of me thought, he only wanted to be shirtless to show off his abs. not because he was comfortable. i silently laughed to myself and he looked over at me.

“what?” he said handing me a pair of chopsticks. i shook my head. “nothing. just thinking.” i voiced.

“hm, what are you thinking about?” he said sitting back after popping a sushi roll in his mouth. he draped his arm across the back of the couch, making it impossible to keep my eyes off his chest. it was just there, and open. and so muscular.

“trust me, you dont wanna know what goes on in my mind-” i said jokingly.

“of course i do. i’d love to hear.” 

we sat for a few hours, talking and laughing. the rain had calmed down a bit and the sun was starting to rise.

“oh my gosh, what time is it?” i said looking out the window. “the sun is already rising?”

wonho slightly yawned and looked down at his watch. “it’s already 5:15am” he chuckled. 

i couldnt believe we sat here for that long and just talked.

i sighed and looked back over at him. “im sorry for keeping you up. i know you guys have a busy day today.” i said apologizing.

he shook his head. “i had a great time- you dont need to apologize.” wonho flashed a soft smile.

a few minutes later, shownu opened the bedroom door- walking out into the kitchen- of course, with his shirt off. wonho and i both greeted him with a soft, good morning.

“you guys havent slept, have you?” he said putting on his glasses. shownu ruffled his hair a bit and yawned.

“i’ll be okay. but nori, should really get some rest.” wonho rubbed my hand before taking mine in his and helping me to my feet.

“nice clothes.” shownu said sarcastically as he came to grab his bag from the couch. i slightly blushed, looking down at my feet.

“um, thanks for the food wonho. will we be seeing you guys later?” i asked, walking over to the hallway where my room was located.

shownu chuckled. “we’ll defiantly let you know after practice. wonho, you should shower first- i wanna spend a little time with misun before we leave.” he said quickly. 

making his way back into the room, wonho approached me.

“will you be alright if we leave you two here?” he asked. i nodded and looked back down at the floor. “im sure we will. thanks for staying- it was really nice talking to you all night.”

wonho agreed then opened his arms, pulling me into a hug. his milky skin was soft and he squeezed me very lightly.

“go get some rest.” he pulled away from my body, grabbing my hips and pushing me to the bedroom. with that, i chuckled and made my way inside- shutting the door quietly.

`jooheon

walking back into the dorm- i looked down at my watch and groaned at the time.

“where have you been all night? you dont look like you slept at all.” kihyun said greeting me.

i shook my head and didnt speak.

“hey..” he said softly as he followed me to my room.

i shut my eyes, placing my hand on my door. “i just wanna sleep, kihyun. im not in the mood to talk.” i groaned.

“its about nori.” 

i sighed and entered the room and he stood in the doorway- with his hands in his pockets.

“yeah, yeah. i know- you told me so. anything else you wanna gloat about?” 

i belly flopped onto the mattress, covering my head with the pillow. 

“well, since you mentioned it. this-” i heard a light chuckled in his voice.

i pushed the pillow off my head and looked up at him, widening my eyes a bit.

in between his fingers, sat a white and gold key card- reading “four seasons”.

“is that a room key?” i sat up quickly, taking it from his hand. “where did you get this?” i questioned as i furrowed my brows.

kihyun shook his head. “just go fix all of this, please. so we can get the group back together in one piece.”

he patted my shoulder and walked off.

`nori

i opened my eyes and groaned as i heard a few knocks at the door.

did anyone else not hear that?

“misun..are you awake?” i called out for her as i walked into the hallway, eyes halfway closed. squinting at the clock in the kitchen, i noticed it was 6am. i hadn’t even been asleep for an hour yet. 

as i walked closer to the bathroom, i heard the shower turn off.

huffing slightly, i made my way to the front door- ripping it open. as i rubbed my eyes, they became wider. i inhaled sharply and froze entirely.

jooheon was standing right in front of me, with pink and white roses in his hands.

my mouth hung open as he looked down at me. he looked so tired, like he hadn’t slept in years. his hoodie was tossed over his head and his smile was weak.

“nori..” he breathed. “i tried to call..” he stated.

his words weren’t even processing correctly.

was this a dream?

i rubbed my eyes once again and jooheon was still standing there.

“w-what are you doing here?” i stuttered. my heart was beating so fast, it almost felt like it was going to burst.

before jooheon could open his mouth, the bathroom door swung open and wonho walked out with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“who’s that at the d-?”

wonho stopped as him and jooheon made eye contact.

i felt the sadness in his eyes as they went straight from wonho, to me. he examined my attire, finally making the connection.

i was in wonho’s clothes. 

me, nori- the woman that was in love with jooheon, was in wonho’s clothing.

his shoulders dropped and his face became extremely pale. the flowers fell out of his hands and he slowly started to back up.

“jooheon..i swear, this isn’t what it looks like..” i whispered. the tears started to fall from my eyes, and i didnt even know it- until they hit my chin.