#i havent had sex since the pandemic started | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

summercurial · 3 years ago

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probably not the most responsible (or perhaps even moral?) thing to post this on here but im. idk kind of spiralling so why not.

warning for like. some serious sadposting personalposting selftalk nonsense.

so, im prone to feeling trapped and freaked out and wanting to break up with people. its like, a thing i do, so id been experiencing the thought "fuck, should i break up with aidan?" on and off for like, months now.

yesterday was valentines day. i suggested we get lunch at a diner. i had this thought beforehand, when i suggested this, that we hang out we end up just cuddling or having sex, and not really talking, or if we do talk its basically just boring small talk type stuff. so i thought this would be a good chance, to yknow, really assess our talking ability. and fuck, it was just small talk, the whole time, the drive and the diner and the drive back it was like. idk. we couldnt break through, we couldnt click. and its been almost two years! of course with a 2 month gap, and then a 4 month gap, for canada, but still. we should have closed this distance by now

so anyway we have some good sex which was nice and all and then he leaves and i think about it and i think hard about it and i realize *fuck*, im gonna break up with him. and i dont like. idk, i wont want to break up with him exactly, but i also dont want to stay with him. this far in i shouldnt be so judgemental of him, there should be stuff i really admire about him, and there just...isnt, really. hes so damn nice and im such a bitch but i cant just pretend im not, yknow?

so anyway yesterday i hugged my mom and started crying, about this whole thing, because i havent learned a thing since i was 16 i guess and think i can trust her

and then last night he texted me drunk saying he wanted to talk about his gender stuff, and today when he came in i couldnt stop crying (i dont entirely know why. school has been hard. i reread TNC. the whole potential breakup situation), we cuddled and i cried into his sweatshirt and felt like shit and i managed to get it under control enough to ask him what he wanted to talk about gender stuff, and apparently his therapist says he should talk about with me, and that he should come up with a fem name for his therapist to use during sessions, and fuck like. idk. im...attracted to masculinity! idk, fuck! like. i have enough neurosis around this stuff that i really dont think i can date another trans girl, but apparently when he talked about his gender stuff with his ex she freaked out and thought he was trying to break up with her and it fucked him up and FUCK i dont want to fuck him up even more, but i cant like, induce attraction i dont feel yknow? and also like, being attracted to the masculinity of someone who doesnt want or like it makes me feel shitty, so. fuck.

i feel like it sort of. idk it sort of fucked us that we got together at the beginning of the pandemic? like thats not a super healthy environment for a relationship to form. hes been the vast majority of human contact with people other than like my mom

i cant tell how much wanting to break up with him is legit and reasonable and how much is me being self destructive per usual

so um. yeah. that aidan situation is not great. also im going back to canada in a little over a week

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thedankfaerie · 4 years ago

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i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you.

and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself.

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time.

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive.

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’.

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once!

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately.

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class.

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point.

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore.

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us.

someone please help me.

#help #lol

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omiwatari · 3 years ago

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felt like writing after a while...

as of last month its been a year since my therapist and psychiatrist discharged me and i stopped with my meds. i saw my therapist last month for a checkup and i wish i could say i felt better and things are good but they're really not...it's just a massive grayscale life lately. i've come to realize that most of life is incredibly mundane and boring and it's up to us to stitch and embroid this dull cotton with beautiful patterns and gemstones...but as expected, such things are rare (and expensive)

ive started college again, a new major, in what i later realized was one of the most winding and complex serotonin release attempts ive ever had...you know, getting into a public university here is a big deal, its a long and hard process and being accepted is indeed joyous but its sad that that is the length that i had to go to in order to feel even a measure of an accomplishment after being unemployed during the beginning of the pandemic

made the big mistake of getting on twitter which is indeed the worst social network of all...instagram is bad but like...its mostly picture based, so its so much easier to me at least to tune it out and assume its all fake. twitter's insanity is almost palpable, like i feel it actually reaching out to me through the screen. it also reinforces my inability to mingle with any group of gay men...and my desperation of being just mediocre, in a weird spot between basic gay and sewer goblin gay

i recently turned 29, have never felt uglier in regards to my appearance and have gotten into a mild skincare routine that makes me at least feel like im successfully combating the ravages of time, but we all know time is hungry and inescapable. im fat, my favorite clothes dont fit and i havent had sex in forever

still somehow i feel fine...the lower end of fine. im contemplating what to do with my life over the next few years, maybe for the first time. i thought life sorted itself out. i was taught that you just had to study hard and things would happen. they don't. i graduated college, i tried, i worked some odd jobs here and there, tried new things...nothing stayed. and the prospect of having to fight for things is just so grim. im willing to go after things, but resuming life to a battle just makes me wanna go samurai and kill myself rather than dying in humiliation. unlike samurais, though, im not a fighter. i wasnt built for this. i hate the idea of growing "thick skin". it's usually just people diminishing your pain. i hate that maturity essentially means to lose a bit of soul. i wish the universe gave us a "give up pill" like, you're not kiling yourself, you're just erased and reality is altered so your impact and presence in the world and on people's lives also disappear so you can just become nothing and not cause pain to yourself or others with suicide and its aftermath

anyway, i kinda miss it here...most of my friends don't use this anymore so its a place on the internet where i truly feel like im talking only to myself

#me

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renewingagain · 3 years ago

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friday 12th november 2021 // 3:51pm

i am really struggling to understand how i feel today.

my mind has been so unfocussed during work, i've been WFH today (i also find my job so boring and uninteresting, its actually quite depressing)

once again i just feel like i'm not living life, its boring and i feel stuck. i feel so flat and unmotivated to do anything right now

growing up LGBT has been crazy hard. i never really got the chance to fully express myself as a teenager growing up, due to growing up in church and also in a south asian community where homophobia is rife.

when i started coming out as a gay man i was still quite heavily involved in the church and i didnt know how to think for myself. i was taught that being gay isn't right and that i should remain celibate - how stupid i was for believing that.

i then spent my gap year in church where again the battle between sexuality and believing in God was at full force, this led me to being very depressed because on one hand i loved God but on the other hand i loved men and wanted to have sex and explore that side of me

it was only really at university where i started to explore sexuality, and even then it was still very hit and miss as church and religion was a big part of my life. only around my 2nd and 3rd year i started to become more comfortable with being gay and exploring that side of me - beginning to go on dates, use grindr, have sex on occasion with other men, and get fucked.

the more i became comfortable with being gay the more i started to sleep around, but it was still few and far between, not very often at all. and then the pandemic hit during my last year of uni so that all came to a standstill.

i have so many regrets about not doing more at uni and stuff due to my religious upbringing and background, i really wish i made the most of being carefree at that time and just doing what i wanted when i wanted

fast forward to now and i have a boyfriend which is fab. but i cant help but feel inferior as he's older and far more experienced in things like sex, gay culture, and just having the normal care free 20's that i havent had

i think i really envy him and its definitely a me issue, there is obviously nothing wrong with him

but then theres the whole sobriety thing that hes doing, he doesnt seem to want to have sex because of it which i understand, but then where does that leave me? we havent had sex since being officially together, but i dont get it because i know hes had a big sexual past and has often spoken about previous hookups. i then cant help but feel 'unsexy' if he wont do it with me

and i wanna have sex. LOTS of sex! its so much fun!

its just really weighing on my mind and now i cant help but sometimes think if us being together is a good idea. am i ready to be in a relationship? because part of me just wants to explore other men too and just have fun

but then i am conflicted, i love him so much and care for him deeply. and i dont want to lose him. is it just because im not getting laid that my mind is going here?

why should it matter that i didnt live the life i wanted to live back then? why should it matter that i havent slept with many guys? i have a special someone in my life now and isnt that what matters really?

i dont want to end it with him either, besides all this its nice to spend time together

i just wish my mind would rest, its not been a nice day. my mind is just always running and i hate it

am i being unreasonable????????

why am i comparing myself to other gay men and basing my self worth off things like my experiences?

i think i just feel really lonely and dont have many friends i can connect with up here - and sometimes its easier to make friends when going out / getting drunk / hooking up with random people. i think i need to unlink this connection in my head as its false- theres infinite ways to make friends with people.

a lot of things in my life right now arent where i want them to be. namely:

- living situation. still lodging and sometimes i just feel obliged to be here and spend time with who i live with. should i care though really?

- friends situation. i really dont have many people up here where im currently living so that makes it hard. or is it the case that i dont have many people in my life full stop? but i think this is also a lie - i have friends dotted around everywhere and i also have a huge family. so i dont get why i feel this way. i think while i have a lot of people like that, i dont have many i feel like i can really connect with and just do stupid shit with all the time

- past regrets. as said before, havent really been able to live my life.

- job sitch. my job is DEAD and doesnt pay very much, but i dont know how to progress and being depressed makes that hard too. i have literally no direction in my life

why am i constantly living in anguish? this really isnt normal. maybe i do need to see a doctor. but im so scared of going on medication again, im really scared.

dont know what to do

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chill-that-ur-inmyhead · 4 years ago

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what is a food that you’d hate to be allergic to?: yoghurt!!!!! anything diary based i guess, cheese, milk etc but no.1 is yoghurt

what colour was the last towel you used?: sandy brown

would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you? taller

when was the last time your nose bled? not in years

how old are you turning this year?: i have already turned 21

what is your favourite thing to snack on while watching a movie?: biscuits, mainly bourbons

swimming pool or hot tub?: swimming pool

can you swim well? yes

what body part do you wash first in the shower?: under my arms

who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? literally no one but GOD, its too much for anyone

name your last reason for using a camera? checking what extent my makeup was ruined by me chopping onions what kind of first impression do you think you make? i dont think i give off the warmest impression, im just not one of those unbelievable nice and lovely people, i’m a bit rough around the edges

where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? probably my sofa at my uni house back when I was writing my disso

what are you excited about? learning to drive

seven days from now, will you be in a relationship? i highly doubt it but you never know who you can meet within a week when was the last time you laughed really hard & why? literally yesterday on facetime with my friend reminiscing about sixth form

what are you wearing? my new rugby style stripped top and black leggings

what do you want? to win a Tesla from the Yeo Valley yoghurt pots

did you enjoy your weekend? the days all blur into one since we are amidst a pandemic

do you regret anything you’ve done recently? i only have one regret, that i didn’t learn to drive immediately when I turned 17.

is there anybody you wish you could see? looking forward to seeing my mother next weekend

have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with j or m? yep only a J

how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 3

do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? pffft I’ll be 31 - nah i dont think i will be

what makes you mad most about girls? that they’re so gawjussss its crazy

have you ever been given roses? yes

do you even like getting flowers? yes, its a great feeling

what’s your favourite flowers? sunflowers

could you go out in public looking like you do now? yep - i look great im sad my plans got cancelled

who’s the first person you texted today? my friend

would you move to another state to be with the person you loved? nah, im not in any situation that is that serious

how’s the weather today? sunny, cloudy and the glare is intense

what colour are your eyes? greeny-blue (heavy on the green)

do you like poptarts? they’re too sugary

where will you be 12 hours frm now? sleeping

is it easy for others to make you feel intimidated? hmmm yes

do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? probably the same thing im wearing today haha

are you on a desktop or laptop? laptop forever

does anyone hate you for no reason? probably but thats none of my business

what are you planning to do today? sort out my room and go for a walk, maybe get my dad father day gifts or might do that tomorrow! i got nothing but time!!!

play an instrument? i can but very poorly would you go back in time if you were given the chance? i literally think about this all the time ofc i would go back in time that would be so cool and interesting to witness

where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? ASOS

have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an r? nope

have you ever passed out? nope

are you easily confused? sometimes

do you think you would make a good wife/husband? not right now, i’ve got more to experience and learn

what’s your favourite kind of ice cream? coffee

do you like coffee? yes, i love the smell but its not something i drink often

do you like summer? it has its pros but i am deffo more of a winter gal

where were you at 8am this morning? sleeping

do you fall for people easily? yes

everything happens for a reason? sure

have you ever dated someone more than once? nope

who have you texted in the last 24 hours? my home friends, my uni friends/ flatmates and my mother

what colour nail polish is on your toes? nothing right now but i love painting them red

do you find members of the preferred sex confusing? i find everyone confusing

what are you listening to right now? arrested development season 5

how has the week been? a lot better than the previous weeks in june

what are your biggest turn offs? hypocrisy and rudeness

favourite shirt to wear? i guess my new striped rugby top

favourite drink? chocolate milkshake ughhh love

last person to say ‘i love you’ to you? mother

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? nah

what’s your favourite colour gummy bear? red????? i havent had gummy bears in ages idk haha

what is the nicest part of the opposite sex’s body? guys have nice shoulder and backs

have you ever run into a dishwasher? no??? i have managed to avoid doing this somehow

ever had a song sung about/for you? nope

is there a baby in the room with you right now? nope haha

where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or other? my bedroom

what is your favourite thing that is green? my jumper

what did your last text message say? ‘Will do’

what is the way to your heart? humour and wit

what do you smell like? my childhood bedroom

what’s in your pocket? i dont have any pockets on me

anything in your mouth? gum

ever hurt yourself playing wii? yes

do you have freckles? nope what’s the last movie you saw in the theater? 1917

ever jumped/fallen/been pushed in a pool with your clothes on? nope

are you wearing any clothes that you wore yesterday? yes

name a song that you know all the words to: literally every taylor swift song

what’s the last thing you watched on tv? the mindy project

what can you hear right now? arrested development

did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday? same as yesterday

are you close to your siblings? he’s next door so yes

do you bite your nails? yes, but i am trying to stop

do you like your feet? they’re okay, much rather they weren’t wide but oh well

do you sleep well at night? yes

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