#i havent finished writing anything all year which i guess makes me a little insecure.

[melto]

dude roleplaying is so scary idk if i can do this. heartbreak emoji. lol.

[wri0thesley]

Hi nat, advice anon from the day before yesterday here again 🥺💕 sorry it’s taken this long to try and formulate a response. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me, I worry that I over-explain when I’m trying to be as clear as possible with things, so I’m sorry that my messages are so wordy but like, first of all omg you absolutely 1000% did NOT come across condescending at all 🥺🥺 I very much appreciate the encouragement.

It’s kind of hard to find any amount of free time b/c I work your basic, bland ass office job (and it’s not even sexy or anything like my Endeavor fantasies smh…) but I’m basically up at 5am to get ready every morning, work from 8:30 am until 6pm, and then revenge procrastinate by doing literally anything until it gets so late that I know I’ll suffer in the morning for it, because I’m so desperate to cling to those hours I don’t have to be at my office. Like, it’s hard enough to not have a mental breakdown trying to plan a lunch for the next day, honestly. That combined with the stress of the whole uh, worldwide situation of the last year and all that has kind of made me feel really stagnant creatively. I feel like I finish selling my weekly 40 hours of my life to this place and then spend my entire weekend curled up in a ball reading and watching things and wanting to write but still unable to will myself to just DO it.

It just sucks trying to find motivation, especially for the things I want to write, as I’ve been revisiting past interests and things that are considered “dead” fandoms at this point like Free! or Magi or Kuroko no Basket. And even with the ideas for more currently running series like JJK, BNHA, and Haikyuu!!, it’s almost more intimidating because there’s so much out there that it feels like it’s so hard to get anyone to, idk, care? If that makes any sense lmao I’m also at this weird point where I’m getting largely insecure about my smut writing and worrying about it being repetitive and dry. I write mostly about the male characters with uh, outie-style equipment and I’ve never had any personal encounters with that type of giblet so I’m constantly second guessing whether or not any of it is actually any good asdjfkdkgd

Anyway, that’s all beside the point. I wanted to come and thank your properly for speaking with me even just like this. It really means a lot ashfkdkgd I’m really too shy to come off anon rn but like, some day in the future I hope the offer will still stand to be able to slide in and properly introduce myself and say hi asfdjglxgmz but!!!! You’re so sweet and friendly and have made me feel very comfortable opening up even just like this. Some of these are things I haven’t even been able to express very well to other people in my life very well, I’m glad my rambling made sense ;;;;; thank you for making me feel safe and welcome here and for talking with me about all this junk. It truly means so so much 💕💕💕

response cut for length!

ahh sorry it took me a little while to reply to you anon! things get buried in my inbox pretty quick and then i'm like 'oh no is it weird if i reply many days later' nfdgbnjkfgbk

the pandemic has really just . . . done a number on everyone. i am lucky in that as a carer i just am home all the time but for people who are still going into work and offices and trying to deal with their job on top of everything else . . . oof. i hope you are at least in a place where cases are winding down!<3. (smh not even sexy . . . anime men have truly given us all unrealistic expectations for everything)

motivation is definitely one of the hardest things to find! but i also know from prior experience that forcing yourself to write for a fandom bc you think it'll be popular is no fun and you'll have a way better time writing what you want to write - if writing for 'older' fandoms makes you happy, you should do it!!! i think people care plenty about the popular fandoms too though personally, for how many writers are out there writing for them i am always surprised by the response to what i write for them ;w;

fgbjnjkb if all you write is smut - which same - it definitely can feel like you're writing the same thing over and over again! i'm guilty of using the same expressions to describe things. A Lot. but honestly i don't think people even notice if you havent had Experience; i have something i like to call Rule Of Sexy which is 'this is fiction and it might not be possible or comfortable in real life but it sure sounds hot!'

the offer definitely always stands anon!! i hope things pick up for you and you can find it possible to carve a little time for writing for yourself!

[theleavesaretothelimbs]

i havent been here for the longest time--

for a load of reasons, moving   and eventually moving out of it. i still find time to come back once in a while. 

definitely i’m older than 16. or 15. or whatever the fuck age i was at ranting about some girl or some shitty excuse for loneliness. everything i felt then was because of that fucking town. town, meaning that place was way too small and way too insulated to be called one. 

i’m out here in the city now. manila is a fucking mess and i love it. happy or not, i’m not sure. it would be unfair to call myself unhappy, so many good things are going for me around here, relationships and opportunities, warts an’ all. i can’t complain. but it wouldn’t be right to call myself totally happy either. loads of shit go on too. 

i can go on and rant about work stress and school stress, and everything surrounding it publicly online. and i can even go far as to considering it the source of anything about me that is negative, sans all the negative and dark shit i’m into nowadays. but there’s always this one bit that i feel like i can’t ever tweet. or make a post about in my public blog, where i am supposed to be writing about these sort of things and where other people who care enough about me can read it.

truth is, a lot of things trigger me and make me unhappy. the fact that i’m still probably insecure about myself gets me in public places despite my very public and outgoing personality. i suppose the way certain people act with other certain people (the type i find totally interesting and cool, the type i’d like to be good friends with. or even just drinking buddies. that’d be cool.) and comparing it to how we interact with each other just gets me. it makes me feel like i have to catch up with a certain standard.

the other day i was doing tech work at mow’s. roy was out of town doing tech for a band playing that tagaytay art beat show. i’m a friend, i love mow’s, of course i’d love to sub that night. it was an intimate night anyway, and friends arrived. i’d be cool and all, except i wasn’t. 

context: sara, pauline, kevin, rosh, scoobs, the eng’g boys and girls (the capacities gang)  - they’re all really cool. and i really want to be friends with them. 

they’re all fun and cozy with each other. got drunk and all, i presume. they were all shit talking, talking about their lives, being crazy. and i just got put off. no one is ever like that with me. at a certain point during the night i stepped out of the venue, had a cig and finished a beer outside on the pavement, alone. occasionally people would pass by and extend concern, to which i replied i was just tired and stressed from work and all. i don’t know, but i didn’t want to tell them what was up, and even as i type now i have difficulty saying what really was up. i was just jealous of everyone, i suppose. 

more context: as of this writing, i am in a relationship for almost three years. and i admit that it has dictated much of how i am and how i should act around everyone. i’ve never been like that with anyone. 

so this is the part i always have a hard time admitting, and i do hope i can publish this some time when things get too much and i can no longer talk to anyone properly. and i hope i have the guts to tell anyone i trust about this part of my life. with all the stupid shit i’d written back then. 

that last bit of context, yes. my relationship with ches has changed me so much. who i was prior to being with her was totally different from who i am now. or so i think. sometimes i think it’s just the way i present myself now. a lot has happened between then and now, and really emotional conflicts that left me submitting to the fact that i may be a total dick. 

right now, it’s just getting tiring. going back to that whole mow’s thing, i too would’ve decidedly gotten drunk and have a good night. i would definitely not do stupid shit that would put a strain on my relationship with ches, but even then i still couldn’t do it. 

more and more context: a week prior to last saturday, ches was sick and i had free time between work and buying dinner to take home. i decided to enjoy a beer alone. she decided to tell me she was sad and alone. this wasn’t the first time something like this happened. 

what that last bit of context meant to me: every time ches learns i end up having my own time, or time to myself, and enjoy little bits of things that make me happy, she ends up reminded of her sadness and loneliness, in turn making me feel guilty for having this short moment of content. even then, when i end up hanging out with people - drinking with friends, she never fails to remind me how sad and alone she is.

going back to the whole mow’s thing, i guess i was triggered not only because of the fact that i felt insecure, and felt that these people were way cooler than me and weren’t really interested in interacting with me, but i suppose it was also a mix of the fact that at that time, considering how ches would feel in times of my own happiness, i shouldn’t be having fun and all. i should be sad and alone like she was. that’s an ugly thought to have, and definitely an ugly feeling. it made me clam up and all -- i ended up sitting behind the booth pissed off, and stepped out when i could no longer contain it. 

this whole writing had a coherent thought behind it, but right now i am starting to feel cold and i want to cry. 

so when you breakdown, people tell you to think happy thoughts? here’s what i’d start to think:

punk scene. continent records. hardcore community. sleeping boy. sound architects, minus the girlfriends. through the waves boys. 

before they were just interests, stuff i was into. it’s an escape now, really. these are things that don’t really interest ches. and at least then, i can have an escape from what i feel sometimes is an emotional black hole that surrounds ches. at least then, when i feel all great and free, despite her feeling the complete opposite, i couldn’t really care. i don’t know why either. 

point: i’ve totally gone off-topic. to sum it all up, i’m not really happy now because i’m an insecure fuck and sometimes my girlfriend makes me feel like total shit. her tight emotional grip on me keeps me from interacting with everyone and enjoying myself when she’s not around, while messaging me how sad, lonely, and forgotten she feels. that thought spurs so many emotions in me. it makes me feel constantly blackmailed to feel as low as she does. it makes me want to cry. i want to cry right now. because nights that give me thoughts like these make me want to break up with her. the only things that make me really happy now are continent, hardcore community, and sound architects. and i can’t really say anything about this to anyone. because it will reach her. and she’ll be upset. i hate myself.