#i havent felt this level of sick to my stomach in a long long time

[theygender]

Services made to monitor children's phones/etc without their knowledge should literally be illegal. Why is it not considered stalking just because the victim is under 18? Why do parents refuse to acknowledge that their children are human beings who have rights just like anyone else? How would they like it if they found out someone was reading all of their texts, monitoring every app they use, tracking their location, listening in on their phone calls, tracking where they go on the web and what they do, etc without their knowledge or consent? It would feel like a pretty huge violation of privacy right? You'd probably feel violated and mortified and sick to your stomach wouldn't you? Don't people realize that these services can also be used for horrific means by abusive parents? Do they realize that stalking their child makes them inherently abusive no matter what?

My mom already used to invade my privacy in horrific ways when I was living with her and I've always been terrified she'll find a way to do it remotely now that I'm in another state. I was going through my emails and found a message from a company called "kidguard" titled "text message monitoring" that claimed it was confirming my subscription. I spent the last few hours reliving trauma while searching through every fucking app on my phone, digging through the kidguard website (I found it through google, didn't click any links in the email for obvious reasons), trying to log in with the account info it gave me, and researching phone monitoring software in general and it seems like the email was fake (although the company seems very real and should be shut down fucking immediately, I'm disgusted) but I'm still panicking because this seems like something my mom would do

If I ever find out that it's true and she really is monitoring me in some way I'm literally going to cut her out of my life and never speak to her again. I'll block her on everything I literally do not give a damn. The only time she'll see me is when I'm visiting my little brother and even then I won't speak to her. I'll report her to the fucking police. I'll get restraining order if I have to. This is a fucking promise

In the meantime I want to physically hurt whoever sent me this message (I'm starting to believe it may be some sort of scam that's just using the site's name as a cover and has nothing to do with them) for causing me so much fucking terror. And I want all of the people involved with the actual site to be thrown in fucking prison for inventing literal stalking software to help abusers stalk their victims. Also in my research I found that some people who signed up for a trial of the site (not sure if it was through a scam email like the one I received or through the actual site) found that the "trial" actually ended up syphoning money out of their account, anywhere from $30+ to hundreds of dollars. And the only thing I can say to that is good. They deserve it for betraying their child in such an awful way and literally trying to stalk another human being. I hope they rot in hell

[diziar]

One.

Soooooo who remembers my fic called Six? (If you havent read it, go read t first as this follows on directly from the end of it). Well just after I have written that I mentioned about maybe one day writing a second part, and as it’s Warriors Week over on the Discord, here we are. I promise one day I will write a fic that isnt angst, but today is not that day

Six.

Wind was gone. Dead. Warriors knew that no matter how much he prayed and wished to whatever Goddess or Goddesses that were out there, he wasn't coming back. No fairies were around. No great fairy fountain was hidden away somewhere nearby. Not even some sort of magic could fix this.

Wind was gone.

It had been hard. He had closed the poor boy's eyes whilst they had still sat on the floor - the blood and mud still under his legs, seeping into his clothing - and he had wiped his face free from any smeared blood tracks and tears in an attempt to at least make him look a bit peaceful in rest, in contrast to the angry and savage red wound across his entire stomach. At least it was no longer bleeding and he was no longer suffering.

With a little bit of assistance he had managed to stand still holding the body of his brother - or the closest thing he had ever had to one - and although his legs felt like they would give out any second, he would never forgive himself if he dropped Wind. His blood stained, blue scarf stayed over his form, moved around slightly so it had covered Wind completely, both face and body, and he had allowed Legend and Time to lead the way to somewhere nearby to camp for the night.

Even if there was a chance of Wild and Twilight coming back.

They couldn't stay at the Yiga Camp.

The fire had been set up in complete silence by Hyrule and Time, everyone had else just sat and watched. Numb: that was all Warriors could feel. A heavy and sluggish numbness running through his brain, through every limb. He had carried Wind to where they had finally decided upon setting up camp for the night, and now he could hardly even lift an arm to run his hand through his hair.

He wanted to cry, he could feel all the distraught emotions in his chest and behind his eyes, but by something twisted he couldn't. The tears wouldn't fall. The shaking wouldn't stop. His chest would never stop aching.

He couldn't sleep, in fact none of them could, but unlike him they all at least seemed to at least be trying. Everyone was exhausted, both mentally and physically, and shock was very much still running through everyone's system. Wind was gone, and Wild and Twilight were still missing.

Nine was now just Six.

Wind's body lay off to the side, just away from the rest of them so that they didn't have to look at him. It was a horrible thing really, but now that it was hours later none of them could bare to look at him. Now that he was so pale, so cold, so obviously lifeless with every blush now gone from his body. Any bruises the boy had stood out so obviously against the paled tanned skin.

No longer was he covered by Warriors scarf, but instead his blanket, which is some way mocked them all by making it seem like he was just asleep. They all knew otherwise.

Wind was never a still sleeper.

Never would he lie on his back and not move around constantly, eventually flipping himself over onto his stomach.

He wasn't asleep.

For that second time that day Warriors watched as another light slowly started to die out, though unlike last time, this one flickered and held onto the life.

It was something he would never be able to forget. Deep green eyes, filled with such fear and hurt, wet with unshed tears, fading as Wind tried to lift his arm up to reach for him.

His strangled attempt at saying the nickname he had given to Warriors, as both a nod to where Warriors had come from but also Wind's pirating ways. Had it been to say an apology, or in attempt to make Warriors feel better? He'd never know now.

Weak and shallow gasps that attempted to take in a full breath but kept failing and dying out with a pained wince.

The warm and heavy scent of blood being the only thing Warriors could smell. It soaked Wind's skin, his face, hair, and torso. It stained Legend's hands, Wind's tunic, and Warriors’ scarf. It spread and marked everything it touched, making the harsh realisation only more brutal.

He watched the fire, unable to tear his gaze from it, eyelids drooping heavily shut more and more progressively as time passed. Fingers stayed clenched in the material on his scarf that draped over his lap.

He had wanted to clean it, to get the blood out of his beloved blue scarf, but exhaustion wouldn't let him move.

His eyes fell once again, the low red and orange light being replaced by a dark and suffocating black which welcomes him into sleep as it finally takes over his drained body.

Waking up from a sleep that he wasn't fully rested from was something Warriors was used to in one way or another. Every muscle screamed out to him in pain before he could even register that he was actually awake. Heavy fog clouded his brain and dulled every sense.

In a weak attempt and using every effort he could muster in his dazed state, Warriors moved his arms slowly underneath him and pushed on the ground to try and get himself up.

Aching limbs protested in moving, something that finally registered in his brain after he had exhausted himself further in his endeavour. He managed to turn his head slightly, his cheek now laying flat against the cold and dewy grass-

No. A sense of touch had finally come back to him, and it wasn’t the grass of the field wet from the morning dew he felt but something else.

Hot and dry sand, scratching and irritating his skin as he moved his head back and forth, small granules rubbing in an unpleasant and unexpected way.

Why…

Why was he lying on sand?

No longer did the tall trees of the forest edge cool him from the morning sun, in fact nothing did now.

He could feel the blazing hot sun beating down on him, and underneath all the layers of his fabric, chainmail, and armour he was was roasting. Perhaps if he was more dressed for the weather he'd be able to cope, but as he currently lay face down in the sand unable to move or shade himself it was just another pain to add on the list.

The faint morning breeze was cool as it blew through his hair and over his skin. It was gentle and kind, and not unpleasant.

Another sense finally cleared, and he could hearing the waves lapping at the shore nearby. The seagulls crying and wings flapping overhead, a loud oink rumbling low, people talking and a child laughing, and finally the sound of footsteps approaching closer as they ran along the loose sand.

Along with that came his sense of smell. No longer did the scent of blood, heavy and metallic, filled his nose but instead that of fresh air. It was easy to breathe in and completely clear, it helped wash away the last remaining aches from deep within him. The salt from the ocean and brush of the waves against the sand help wash away the last horrifying memories he could recall...

Wind.

Warriors hadn't yet tried to open his eyes, the darkness still being the only thing he could see, but all too suddenly did that get replaced by a bright light behind his eyelids. He squinted his eyes tighter shut, wincing slightly as he did then slowly beginning to open then again, rapidly blinking and squinting as he did so.

Vibrant yellow sand and blue water immediately filled his sight, both so bright and almost like that of a painting. It all seemed far too perfect and lush to be real. Once again he tried lifting himself up, his arms no longer protesting so much.

Green grass and trees, wooden houses, and sheer rock grey cliff faces covered the small island, and the footsteps that he had heard approaching had now stopped. It took him a few moments to tear himself away from the peaceful scenery, and he looked to his right to see a young girl.

Tanned skin and bright blonde hair. Deep green eyes and a light blue sundress.

Immediately he began feeling sick. Panicked. After being dazed for so long and slowly having his senses coming back to him, focusing on feelings and sight again, had he forgotten what had happened.

Not just that, but where were the others?

Warriors scrambled to stand up, the end of his blue scarf flowing out behind him in the breeze and no longer was it stained, nor were his clothes.

“I'm glad you're not dead, or wounded for that fact. You were lying out here for so long Granny was beginning to worry, so she asked me to come see if you were okay.”

He recognised this place, recognised this girl, but how he couldn't recall. His mind was a mess. Wind was dead. He had died in his arms! But now… there was no trace of that ever happening.

A shaky hand pushed itself through his hair as he tried to make at least some sense of what had happened. How he had gotten here? Here being…

Outset Island.

Wind had shown him a pictograph of the place before, told him about his sister and even shown Warriors a picto of her and a group of people all standing in front of a pirate ship. That was missing from the scene but the rest of the Island and this girl…

Aryll.

This was Wind's home.

“If you're not feeling too good, Granny said I could take you back to ours.”

This time Warriors manages to take it what she had said, instead of just listening to the words but not taking any of it like he had last time. He gave Aryll charming smile, at least the best one he could muster up currently, and knelt down to be level with her.

“My name is L- Warriors, you can call me Warriors. May I ask what yours is?” He needed to be sure. Nothing was making sense and he needed answers.

He needed answers so he could try and make a plan.

“Aryll! My name is Aryll, and I have a big brother who's away right now but Granny is at home so we should go see her. We don't want to keep her waiting.”

Warriors watched as she ran easily across the sand back inland, stopped, turned back to him and pointed towards a house on the right. With a deep breath and by moving one foot in front of the other, he followed her off of the beach, along a small path and then to the lone wooden house on the right side of the island.

Aryll had already run inside, holding the door for him as he made his way in, giving her a brief nod of thanks before she had gone off again. The inside of the house was simple, with stone floor and wooden furniture, but it felt like a true home.

From the small ornaments that sat on the window frame or the chest of drawers, to the pictos hanging on the walls.

It was a home full of love and warmth.

He turned the corner and there sat in a wooden rocking chair was to only he could assume was “Granny” that Aryll had spoke of.

And if Aryll was Wind's brother.

And this was her grandmother.

Once again Warriors felt sick. No longer did the calming waves remove any footsteps in the sand, but they instead washed up those feelings of despair and anguish.

“You'll have to excuse me dear, my old bones aren't quite what they used to be so getting up is a bit of trouble… Are you okay?” Her voice was so gentle and smooth.

Warriors could feel his heart break as his chest began to ache.

He gave her a faint nod as he stepped towards her, her hand extended out for him to take.

“I'm-” How could he say anything to her… he didn't deserve her kindness, her trust, not after what he had allowed to happen.

“Oh, such a strong handshake. You remind me so much of my grandson with that blond hair and green clothing of yours.” With her other hand she pointed to a chair next to hers for him to take.

“You have a grandson? I wouldn't have ever thought you to be of that age.” He joked, taking a seat and still holding onto her hand.

Honestly, he didn't want to let go.

He had already let go once.

She gave him a small chuckle, the wrinkles in her face moving, and shook her grey haired head. “Oh you, you're far too kind, but yes I do have a grandson. He's off exploring the seas and being a hero all on his own. It's been some time since I last saw him but I know he'll be home soon. He promised me he'd come back.”

Warriors choked on the words in his throat, the feeling around his heart and lungs tightening like vines and making it hard to breathe.

‘How am I supposed to tell her?’

He gave her hand a small squeeze, his head drooping as he looked down once again to the blue material that had pooled on his lap. It was clean.

“Can you tell me more about him, please? He seems like a good kid.”

Granny gently placed her other hand on top of his, giving it a small pat as she glanced out to the sea outside her window.

“His name is Link, and he's such a bright boy. Always smiling and laughing, and he's oh so expressive! He does everything he can for those he loves and cares for, and I'm glad that my daughter's son grew up to be such a brave boy.”

Wet.

Warriors could feel wet on his face, warm and heavy as the tears finally began to fall. His shoulders shook softly as he silently sobbed.

All the unshed tears from the night before finally came to the surface and it wrecked him. To hear Wind's grandmother speak of him just like he had spoken so fondly of her, so proud and hopeful…

It broke him.

The image of Wind's dying body once again filled his mind, his quivering lip as he spoke and shaky arm and he moved.

The image of Wind's lifeless body once again filled his mind, still cradled in his arms and hidden under the blanket.

“He sounds like such a good kid.” He finally managed out, his voice wavering as he tried not to become obvious that he was crying.

She squeezed his hands again and made a small humming sound in agreement.

“He is. Always looking out for others, putting them and their safety before his own. I know him well, but even when he was scared he went out and did so much for the sake of another person.”

Whilst it may have been a beautiful day outside with gentle blue and warm waves lapping at the golden sands, with the shining sun above them and pleasant warm breeze allowing for everyone to enjoy the weather, inside of Warriors head there was a storm.

A vicious and dark storm causing the deep blue waves to grow heavy and violent dragging him beneath into the icy depths. There was no warm sun or gentle breezes, just darkness and heavy winds knocking him all around as he tried to stay above water.

“I'm so sorry.” The words fell from his mouth before he even realised what he had said. She just shook her head again, turned back to him and sighed.

“Oh my dear boy, whatever do you have to apologise for? Worry not if you think you've made me miss him more by talking about him, that isn't the case. If it's something else, then whatever it is I can assure you that it wasn't your fault. Now, would you like some soup?” Slowly she began to get up from her chair, both her and the wood creaking with the movement. He nodded, watching once again as his scarf changed colour from a pale blue into a deeper one from his fallen tears.

She passed him a bowl, and when he looked up to her, she gave him a knowing smile.

Wind - no, Link - was dead.

Twilight and Wild were still gone

And Warriors was alone on Outset Island eating the very soup that Wind once talked so highly about.

One.

[redradfem]

tw eating disorder, drug mentions, suicide mention

i want to sleep so bad but holy fuck my stomach. feels painfully empty. my face is tingling. my body is completely out of energy. i dont know if i even want to try to crawl upstairs to my bed or if i should just sleep on the couch. i havent felt this shit in a while and the memories just kinda rush in. it already feels familiar. nothin good is lying ahead but knowing that on an intellectual level vs. my brain actually comprehending it and giving me a desire to eat or live are two very different things. im terrified to go to work [unloading trucks] on monday, what if i fuckin pass out? or some heavy boxes fall and i dont respond fast enough? i already got hit in the face on friday lol it was not pleasant. and beyond that, how long can i keep functioning at my job if i barely have the strength to walk around, let alone pick up heavy shit for 3-4hrs? my adhd med (stimulant) and caffeine will only keep me going for so long. i owe my parents $2000 because my dumb ass rear ended someone a while ago. how the fuck will i pay that back if i cant hold my job. how will i explain it to my parents when i just dont have... the fucking energy to work.

im quite literally terrified by food right now. its such a dumb, irrational fear, and again, i know this on an intellectual level but my stupid ass brain is like “nah fam lets ramp up that anxiety and make u feel guilty about eating a slice of toast LOL have fun loser”. where will it end this time? will i relapse on substances too, because when im restricting sometimes theyre the only thing that will keep me functional and feeling sane? am i gonna have to go to fucking rehab again? or will my parents, or psychiatrist, finally fucking notice my disordered behaviors and make me go to ED treatment? the thought is horrifying on multiple levels first off because im an ethical vegan and i dont know of ANY treatment facilities in the USA that provide veg options, because morons think that an eating disordered person being an ethical vegan has anything to do with their disorder (spoiler alert, it doesnt, i was recovering and gaining weight when i first went veg, and i did it for the exploited animals and workers in the animal ag industry), like its some fucking excuse for me to turn down food? and aside from potentially being forced to consume the flesh and secretions of tortured animals, the whole loss of control when in treatment is so fucking scary. i dont know if ill be able to avoid it if i continue like this for any extended periodd of time. im just fuckin rambling but christ im scared. why cant i just have a normal ass brain, is that too much to fucking ask.

this is only the beginning of this relapse and already these old anxieties are occupying every nook and cranny of my mind. i cant focus on shit at all. its so god damn distracting. between the worrying about what im putting in my body and the worrying about people finding out theres just no room for other shit. why cant i be one of those perfectionists that doesnt let shit like this get in the way of working towards my goals. im a lazy piece of shit and i am painfully aware of it yet unmotivated to change because my priorities are SO out of order its insane. all i can think about right now is the scale in the bathroom and what itll say tonight, and tomorrow morning, and the day after.. the measuring tape in the sewing kit in the basement that i know i will be using to obsessively monitor changes in size.. these stupid instruments rule my life now. its awful. i just want to not care. but at the same time, not caring is so scary, because not caring = letting myself go = gaining. fuck.

and yet at the same time im getting this sick pleasure from knowing that im killing myself. im borderline suicidal and honestly dropping dead in the middle of the night sounds fantastic. i feel like im accomplishing something by losing weight, even though thats completely ridiculous. im already fucking underweight. but i just think of how i used to look when i was at my worst and wanting to be there again. i know its hell, but that sweet sweet hunger high makes it feel worth it, sometimes. what the fuck is wrong with me. i thought this shit was over. i thought i was fine.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know whats unhealthy?

being made to be upset before 7am about things which are projections of the issues someone has with themselves and needs to find something or someone to blame for their own problem because admitting it is their own problem would be admitting a fault in themselves. 

you know? thats the lack of stability. 

he told me to make a list of my problems. i felt like maybe he should make a list of my problems because he seems to have a different list than i do. 

heres what i know:

a) i have very fast metabolism to the point i need to eat frequently throughout the day in order to feel super super on top amazng healthy. i cannot afford to eat healthier or as frequently as i want to. this leads to buying lower quality food to try and buy “bulk” amounts to last longer or things with “empty” calories just for sustenance. i occassionally buy fresh vegetables and fruits but they are not a good investment when you’re poor. period. a box of rice costs 1.99. three apples cost about the same. can you eat 3 apples for a meal? a very frequent problem is not being able to afford to eat alot in the day and then getting a meal at the end of the day from his home but only being served ridiculously small portions. i’m grateful for anything at all but it’s not enough for me to not feel hungry afterwards. 

however when we eat snacks in the evening and sleep on it, my normal very fast metabolism is not active. this has caused me to put on 10 extra pounds that i have not carried in at least 5 years. what can i do? i dont have alot of options at my disposal. 

b) rheumatoid arthritis runs in my family. this is an autoimmune disease. this means that the genetic line in my background dictates that the dna that makes up my body is suspcetible to creating a being with weaker joints because the body itself - not by injury, activity, or lack there of, is attacking the joints. being prone to having weaker joints means that it is important to strengthen and stretch and be active however it also means knowing that you have some physical limitations in your activity. maybe your activity will be like 30 minutes instead of an hour. but it’s still being active. 

one of the biggest issues i have by far are very weak knees. well .. i think thats actually the wrong word to describe the issue. that automatically implies that i need to strengthen my knees. my knees have painful joints that are unable to maintain repetitive motions such as cycling or walking for long periods of time. maybe a knee brace would help not create so much stress and tear on joints and ligaments that are natually inclined to wear quickly but those cost _money_. 

additionally, i can continue being active after a break. like i can do 20 minutes of very good, heart pumping activity with repetitive motions but then i need a break because its very painful and stressed and once its able to relax, it’s good to go. i don’t think this implies i’m unable to be active. i think this implies that i have a moderate activity level right now that is equal to how much nutrition i get and the expecations i have during activity.

c) i smoke cigarettes. sucks. i dont do chemical or pharmaceutical drugs. i maybe do shrooms once every few years. i smoke weed. i have never been addicted to chemical or pharmaceutical drugs in my life. i have never injected drugs in my life. i have never smoked chemical drugs. i have inhaled drugs probably 7 - 10 times in my lifetime. i only casually drink alcohol and have only drank to excess maybe 7 - 10 times in my ife where i’ve vomited or had a hangover. i have maybe 10 beers over the course of 4 - 6 months at a time. that’s the lvel of “casually drinking” i have. i almost never drink mixed alcohol anymore but used to drink on a more frequent basis and drank orange juice with vodka primarily. so guess what? despite the obvious ill effects that smoking has had on all of my organs, i probably havent created any additional issues to my major organs by doing any of these things. i have not created any stress on my heart or my liver. 

but i do smoke. and that is legitimately the worst thing i do in my life in terms of harming myself or being unhealthy. absolutely nothing in my lifestyle is more unhealthy than smoking. in no way what so ever do i deny the effects smoking has. it is very very bad. not only do i have some breathing issues naturally to begin with including asthma and apnea but i am now putting layers of toxic tar on top of my lungs and much of it admittedly has been unfiltered for almost 10 years and have ben low quality tobacco. not that higher quality is necessarily better but lower seems like its probably even worse. probably like even more random chemicals they dont write anywhere. ive pulled out like pieces of wood from cigarettes before. my dad rolled his own for a long time as well. it’s bad. it’s totally completely bad.

this is going to cause negative side effects in my life in the future. for sure. will i get cancer? maybe. it doesnt run in my family but maybe? lymphoma? copd? sounds like it could maybe happen but again, genetically i’m not pre-disposed but i can cause it by smoking regardless. everyone in my family smokes. they did not age super well in terms of like.. visually. and mentally theyre totally fuked up. but physically theyre oddly in decent shape. like theyre all still moderately active people capable of doing things in their 50s and 60s which is probably a decent sign they’ll be moderately mobile in their 70s and 80s. 

d) depression is the NUMBER ONE DISEASE THAT RUNS IN MY FAMILY ON BOTH SIDES. VERy SErIOUS CLINICAL DEPRESSION WHICH GOeS UNTREATED FOR YEARS IF NOT DECADES. my uncle shot himself in the stomach with his kids in the next room and he was not even blood related. thats how much depression runs in this family. we attract more depression. and it’s not just depression but i’m going to use it as a blanket term because to simplify the pain of this generational experience its that everyone deeply suffers from depression as a disease and not as just like.. a way to describe a deep sadness. a good number of people in my family who are my age but third generation are on drugs. you can clearly tell. my cousin lives in a hospital for huffing glue as a teenager and hes like an old man now. the matriarch on my fathers side literally jujust abandoned all of her children. just peaced the fuck out. literally. thats fucked! 

but what we have to KNOW - we HAVE to KNOW that depression is a disease in this family. trauma is accepted and depression is a genetic disease passed down. if we dont KNOW this then we’re fucked. we’re all fucked. you have to know the enemy. you have to know what youre fighting in order to win. many people so far have passed because of a heart attack or diabetic complications. however the more and more i think about it (which is a lot. like everyday.) my father died of depression. he had zero will to live anymore and its lke.. he had guilt for that because i was there and i was a good kid who didnt do anything but try to help him but he had no will to live. it wasn’t selfish either - he gave me everything he could but he had absolutely no desire to carry on in life and he made harmful choices over and over again partially out of being stubborn, partially because he just did not care. he told me many times that he was WAITING TO DIE. my own father. and do you know what i replied? “i know dad. i’m waiting to die too.” and you know what he said? nothing. nothing. we just existed in silent empathy of eachother - understanding. 

depression will absolutely kill me before any disease does if i do not get taken out by a random heart attack which honestly i am terrible at eating salt in moderation so i feel like im more likely to have like a sodium related issue that in combination with smoking would lead to a random heart attack. but i would never, in my opinion, knock on wood, suffer from a long term disease because i already do and depression will totally kill me way before anything else. right now, at 27, i can see me going until 40. maybe. MAYBE. ive already done 27 years. but the next 10 are going to be fucked. totally fucked. and if i make it until 40 then wow. wowwww. 

e) i am very .. easily persuaded in regards to someone telling me an observation they have about me. i have experienced trauma numerous times by multiple people which has created a personality flaw that leads to very serious emotional & mental instability with how i perceive myself and what i know and what i’ve seen. this is not a “disorder”. this is not an “illness”. this is a personality flaw which has been created through life experiences. essentially, by listening to other people amd choosing to believe them over what i legitimately know to be true is one way of choosing to harm myself. i am “doing it to myself” even though these people could be being assholes at the time. but i am not capable of immediately filtering and having the confidence in what i know - because it’s been questioned so often i question my literal sanity and reality of the world on an hourly basis - so instead of knowing how to cope, instead i allow the traumatic experiences to play out as i am familiar to them acting out. they tell me something, i accept it, question myself, fight with myself and being picking apart things that maybe arent even that big of issues but ive correlated it with what theyve said and now im focused on all these problems i think i have with myself. 

i was told i was sick for a long time. do you get that? i’m not even making this up. like the fact im SAYING THAT should be enough. i was told by my mother that i was sick for a long time. i was told this. she made up all the fucking things she could and told me and told doctors and everyone that i was sick. i had many infections and illnesses and just.. things. i was sick. i was TOLD i was sick. i was TOLD i had a problem i couldnt see or feel or hear. and thus the cycle begins.

i fight it as well - but i’m not sick. i’m not sick. i’m not weak. i’m not stupid. OBVIOUSLY. OBVIOUSLY IM NONE OF THESE THINGS. but im listening to these convoluted assholes spouting opinions which again are projections of their own personal insecurities make me doubt myself and question if i am. maybe i am. maybe i’m so stupid i cant even see what they see. now theyre in a position of power. to counteract i spend my time having one sided arguments and writing personal essays about how i’m none of these things and this doesnt even make sense because all this other shit happened!  but now ive stressed over something that meant nothing to my being for x amount of time, become tired and stressed out, emotional and depressed. 

~~~~

last night i kind of felt like i didnt really want to be sleeping at his house. i was uncomfortable and had trouble breathing and the silence combined with his heavy breathing is soo grating it takes sometimes hours to fall asleep. i still like sleeping with him. i do. after this conversation, i dont realy feel like i want to hang out with him again anytime soon anyways. 

i have to balance and meditate on my own knowledge and perceptions because i have not been wrong before about how he infers more “important” or “bigger” emotions. we have been together for a year but he refused to acknowledge a relationship until last week. which means we are not emotionally affectionate - we don’t express affection in words either but we are both very aware that we are in love. 

i believe he knows that i am both the problem and not the problem at the same time. i believe he has a lot of love for me on a lot of levels and would do just about anything for me. i believe he wants a future with me and wants to have me in his life “forever” but he can’t be promised forever if i’m dead at 40. he cant invest all this emotional attachment to someone whos going to die. he needs to know im not going to die and everytime i light a cigarette in front of him im choosing that over living with him until im dead. 

i lso believe some of the frustration comes from knowing he could live with me in some capacity if we didnt smoke weed or i smoked cigarettes or we ate junk food because we would have more money to build an appropriate life (possibly to his standards) together. 

quitting smoking is not something im considering right now because its acrutch. its a daily crutch that gets me from one difficult 5 minutes to the next. i am very scared to live without it because i am not capable of handling long term stress emotionally & mentally right now. i also have no real personal desire to stop. its not a big deal to me and if i did quit i am sure they would all ask me if i felt better etc. and ii’d just shrug and tell them sure. they feel better, clearly, so i guess i feel better because i dont listen to them put me down for my personal choices in life anymore. just another thing im told. im told. im told. 

his ignorance to the legitimate issues and difficulties of living in long term poverty is overwhelming and to add trauma and depression on to it .. incomprehensible. 

additionally since he has no self control he wants other people to be his self control by not smoking weed or eating junk food and promoting an active lifestyle. he said he couldn’t take me biking or for  a run - and that’s fine; it’s not fun to do those activities with him. i’m not interested in exersizing with him, i’m interested in just being active and going at break neck speeds are not fun at all for me. i enjoy a level of activity that gets my heart rate going but is still leisurely and like.. not aggressive. i’m not looking to run aggressively, you know? if i die in a freak accident because my stamina is not good enough to run aggresively well then i die. it’s cool. i probably died in a fucked up way anyways if i needed to run aggressively away and at tht point kudos to me for trying at all. 

when we tried to canoe it was terrible. just a shitty experience because he likes adrenaline and the rush that pushing himself gives him but you know what? maybe - maybe. some people. just want to have a casual leisurely canoe ride. okay. thats not fucking terrible. they arent weak. theyre fucking enjoying life and the experience. thats how they enjoy it. go make some adrenaline junkie friends. let us slow pokes enjoy the ride. i am not required to fulfill every role in his life. i am not required to be his clone and like all the things he likes and do all the hings he does the way he does it. we have a ton of things in common already and we get along super well. his mother frequently buys pretty terrible pre-packaged foods and granola bars full of sugar and stocks his lunches full of fruit and like honestly fruit is good for you but you cant just eat fruit and say youre healthy. you cant eat shitty grocery store bread and say youre healthy. 

however we both like the same foods. whenever i cook for us he has never complained but openly complains about his mothers cooking. the only time he has complained is when i try to bake frozen fries in a fucking oven because his mother thinks its just “tht much healthier” when you’re eating fucing mccains frozen fries to begin with and then baking them until theyre brown to simulate cripsyness. 

if we lived together i could actually feed him healthy foods that are homemade and not store bought as i have done in all my previous live in relationships. i made dinner with multiple food groups every night too. alot of my lunches would be salad or soup or a sandwhich or all of it together. did i also eat snacks? fuck yes. did all i eat qualify as a snack? no. i ate healthy. and i actually ate even healthier as i got older and included more vgetbles and fruits in my regular diet. 

but living between two places and having his mother feed us once a day is pretty fucking stupid. sry2say. buy your own foods. know that the cupboard doesnt restock magically. when you make foods you actually accept in eating left overs of or create lunches a week a head of time like other people do  its not as easy to turn to snacks either.

but what do i know.

i’m just sitting here waiting for this guy to figure out that hes still causing 50% or more of the “problem”.