#i havent drawn tommy in So Long i had to look at my old art to see how i draw him lol
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for the expression meme :] got asked on instagram for "c!Tommy in Try to hold despair" ^-^
#some exile tommy for u ^-^#i havent drawn tommy in So Long i had to look at my old art to see how i draw him lol#tommyinnit#tommyinnit fanart#dsmp#dsmp fanart#my art#doodle
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18th May ā94
Ā Ā Ā Ā Molly,
Thanks for your exhibition prints. Iāve sold a few off the counter, the deer ones are popular. Still find it funny that people opt for the cuter kind, even if the forest frolickers are dead, although when one woman came in to buy a wallet for her husband and I told her the deer was a taxidermy she didnāt seem as eager to look around much more! Shame, that. Tried to tell her half the cost went to the RSPCA but she didnāt buy it. Iāll see if Alex wants one. Have you sent some to Tommy? Heād like the mouse driving the car (thatās him, right...?)
I would say āsame oldā here if it was true but itās not. The bloke I work with, Rob, the one who thought it would be a grand idea to throw Alexās surprise birthday bash, he hasnāt shown up for work in a couple days and he wonāt pick up his phone. I could joke that it was Alexās doing but at this point with the way heās become such a recluse I wouldnāt put it past him. Maybe they eloped? Not that they have any reason to, didnāt catch on to anything like that. Not that youād care, obviously (ha ha). I shouldnāt joke about it, though. Robās somewhere we donāt know...or at least I donāt know. Thank god Alex is responding even if itās minimal. I asked him if he knew anything andĀ he said he didnāt. At the moment itās a mystery to us but Iām not sure if Robās family have managed to get in contact, or if he has any family to worry over him, thereās a lot of characters like that around here.
Donāt be a stranger, even if you have all the critics climbing all over eachother just to glance at your face. Are you really going to try and pull the Banksy thing?
Ā Ā Ā Much love,
Ā Ā Ā Seb
P.S. Have you installed your dial-up yet? Dataās quicker to send than paper.
21 May 1994
To: MissMolly
From: S.M.
Subj: Beep, beep ... nnNNRRHH
Happy to see youāve joined the legion of the world wide web! I know a lot of people complain about the noise but it doesnāt sound much different to what we used to listen to. You havenāt sold your original 20 Jazz Funk Greats, have you? Not sure it would even rake in much with what we drew all over the back, unless you or Alex get put in the Tate. With the way youāre going I wouldnāt say itās a far way off! Also need more of those prints! Running low. Youāre a popular girl here :) -- thatās called a smiley.
As for the Earnshaw Update: heās as much a hermit as your sister used to be when she started getting into The Cure. I donāt know what instigated it but heās only been reachable by phone since his birthday, and only at night. Iāve tried dropping in but his doorās been shut tight and I donāt know where he keeps the emergency key. You should try talking to him (I can resend his address if youāve lost it, he hasnāt got internet yet). Thatās if I canāt tide him over by telling him youāve got a gift, next time he picks up... if he does. Sorry, that sounds very doom and gloom. I really am worried about him, if only because he hasnāt been in this kind of stasis since... well.
Please get back to me as soon as you can.
Much love,
Seb
23 May 1994
To: MissMolly
From: S.M.
Subj: Heās alive!
Did you send that print to him? I came by his place tonight and he answered after the first knock! Smiling as ever. He felt colder than a Yorkshire winter, though, and pale. I told him I could help with the gas bill if he needed it but he waved me off. We went out to one of those clubs where everyone is in fishnets and knock-off McQueen, which is nothing new, but they were playing that new MTV gothic stuff, the kind he said he hated -- could be broadening his horizons. I lost him for a bit but he found his way back, heās somehow easy to distinguish from the crowd now (for me that is, imagine itās always been the case with you, ha ha!)
He also told me that Rob went on a spontaneous break to Rome. Rob in Rome! And that Iād be getting a āconfirmation of assuminā such responsibilties required of a leather shoppe owner, as well as the salaryā. Alex and him were closer than I thought.
Itās all looking up here. Whatās happening with you? Apart from the Guardian editorial, you donāt tell me much apart from work!
Much love,
Seb
27 May 1994
To: MissMolly
From: S.M.
Subj: Concerned again.
I donāt mean to ignore the other topics covered in our ditties but Al has gone Weird. I know he always has been, in that ācool cousinā kind of way but now heās just... I donāt know. Heās practically nocturnal. Thereās more and more stuff popping up in his wardrobe that he used to say was aĀ āfuckinā disgrace of shite tasteā -- the chokers! There must be about ten discarded around his whole place. Iāve seen some of his paintings too and theyāre dark, as in David Lynch meets Goyaās black paintings, I mean theyāre good -- really good -- but it just seems excessive.
Worst of all, he keeps mentioning Ricky. Since the accident heās been fairly healthy with talking about it but now it seems like heās got this growing obsession with āwhat it all meant, his deathā, I donāt even know what Alex meant by that.Then heāll ask me where I think Ricky is now and honestly I donāt know, I donāt like to think about it. I just keep saying āsomewhere warmāĀ because it seems like Alex needs the comfort. I donāt know if what happened to Ricky got to him more than he let on before, or if he was too preoccupied at the time with making sure I didnāt do anything drastic. Was I that needy?
I donāt know anymore. I donāt know what to suggest either. Sorry to end on such a downer of a note.
Love,
SebĀ
1 June 1994Ā
To: MissMolly
From: S.M.
Subj: Dire.
I donāt know him anymore, Molly. When we donāt go out he just wants to talk about Ricky with me, like Iām a proxy for some kind of loss heās going through. But I donāt know what loss that is -- you? Itās the only comparison I can think of. I feel like the kid stuck between two divorced parents with you two sometimes. Except he avoids talking about you all together and if I do bring you up, like how you were moving back to London, he just looks down, rubs his beard... a new habit.Ā
(Beard, yeah. I forgot to tell you because it was a really gradual transition at the time that I didnāt notice, but he has this Jesus thing going for him. Before, I didnāt think much of it but now itās like an inherent look he should have been born with, innate? I could never imagine him looking like it but now itās hard to imagine him looking any different.)
Anyway, beards aside. Heās getting... creepy. When weāre not drinking he just wants to postulate on death and āwhat comes afterā, heās a right fucking misery to be around. Although I havenāt seen him drink much at all, do you think heās on drugs or something? Itās the only conclusion I can come up with, and I donāt have anyone else to ask about this because theyāre all in the same scene he is.
Please reply soon.
Seb
2 June 1994
To: MissMolly
From: S.M.
Subj: -
Okay there are some things Iāve witheld for a long time because I didnāt want to cause you any unnecessary pain. As much as I know you say youāre fine itās never a gift to hear these things but I feel it has a lot to do with how Alex is now.
After we moved to SF he started seeing this woman who I didnāt see much of myself,,Ā she set me on edge but I can understand how he was drawn to her because I think it was mainly a sex thing to get over you. I told yu before that he was a catastrophic mess after you left and things got better but when I say catastrophic mess I really mean it, I wonāt state examples because I dont mean to make you feel guilty Molly but itās the truth and I donāt know what to do anymore.
I didnt want to make uyo worryĀ because i know you;re already dealing with enough already, and i didnt want this matter in particular to be especially distressing for you. But I think alex and this woman were into heavy stuffĀ - not drugs but maybe that too. We went out while he was with this girl, in January, I think? it was to one of those fetish clubs, wasnāt my thing. But he left me there alone without telling me he was leaving, hhe left with the girl and didnāt even leave meĀ a voicemail. I got home fine, couldnāt sleep though. But thenĀ I went over to check on him in the morning and his back was covered in gashes and blood. he didnt wake up but he was breathing. i didnāt know what to do,Ā i pretended i never walked in and he called me soon after to apologise for the night but iĀ wouldnt say anything about his back because i thought it was a bdsm thing but with the way hes acting now i dont know if he was being abused? I dont know the telltale signs, just that heād follow this woman around like she had him on a leash.
There are still parts of him I recognise but thereās something about him which feels out of touch, like heās not the same person but trying to be.Ā I dont know how to put it, maybe Iāve been away from someone who can actually talk about these problems for too long
The thing is I havent seen him with this woman in a while, since his birthday Iād say. Despite it he seems a lot happier now than when he was with her (apart from the Ricky fixation) but heās gone full blown Byronic Bohemian.Ā Heās invited me out almost every day in the past week and since this was an improvement from locking himself inside, I tried to go as much as I could. Each time Iād lose him for a while because heād gone off with a girl . He thinks heās being discreet but Iām not much of a dancer for these places so all thereās left to do is watch. Sometimes he goes home with them and offers to pay me for a taxi, which is a step up from leaving me stranded, Iāll give him that.
I know I shouldnāt have but I looked through his art yesterday (his emergency key is in a broken light on a wall outside his door), not his stuff under the bed but in his wardrobe. Thereās five entire sketchbooks of you, some of the drawings are so beautiful, he still remembers how you look exactly but in others they just seem... off? Not that they donāt look like you because they do, even if itās a few strokes, but for someone who knows you they just look like he;s trying to put through what he is now onto you?Ā I donāt know. that doesnt make sense.Then there are some Ricky drawings in there too butĀ I donāt want to talk about them.Ā he writes stuff around you and Ricky, dates and places and random lines like āsnake chokes on its own tailā andĀ āsaw him around Sebāsā.Ā IĀ think heās scared of losing parts of himself and not being able to get them back.
Please talk to himĀ Molly , you know his number and email . I know you think youāll do him more harm than good but I donāt know what to say, if I point out how heās acting weird he just resorts to deflective humour āitās all part of being a la Americana nowā. But Iām worried if I push it heāll get angry. Sometimes I donāt feel safe with him and I donāt know why. Please reach him, I miss him, nothingās right with Alex like this. Iām getting homesick because thereās nothing here that seems real anymore, everything feels like Iām watching it through a TV screen and itās muted, or the musicās too loud to hear what people are really saying. I donāt want to leave Alex alone but I feel like Iām in a coma here.
Do you think I could stay with you for a while?
Love always,
Seb
#āš¹ āŖ Ā VANITAS.#āāŖ Ā HEADCANON.#[IDK WHAT TO tag this as rn . .#its long .. . longest thing ive written on this blog and its not from alexs perspectiv.e..#I DONT HAVE much to comment abt it im tired. ..#just a biffle's view of alexs days after his Death . .]
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