#i havent been updating much bc im stressed rn but dont worry ill be updating again soon

[jellifysh]

i just read the valentine drabble for the college au and i cant get vmin being petty and competitive doms while sharing yn out of my head 😵‍💫

yes,, bro they literally are,, I haven't done jimins drabble yet,, but he's basically struggling so hard to not just tell the mc that him and taehyung want her to be theirs skdjdjdkdkjd like this girl is so oblivious,, they all got goo goo eyes for her and she's just like 'we're all just fwbs and that's okay:)' like no girl they're dying over here,, but yeah once she realizes it, there's pretty much just constant teasing and competition from tae and jimin,, like overstimulation because they wanna see who can make you finish the most,, or edging because they want to see who you beg for first, stuff like that. You will literally never know peace lmao

[taonsil]

waddup jay ;; by the end of this week my grandma is going to be staying with me n idk for how long bc personal issues n then with her n my friend in my house along with my family there's literally no place for me to be alone n my moms just "oh well" abt it n im just !!!!! I havent had full on alone time in months !!! n my mom wonders why im agitated :^TT idk my grandma well enough so im just awkward around her n nmhjghghhhhh (1/?)

in all honesty id rather stay somewhere else but i cant n then just im so overwhelmed all the time its just !!!! Zidk how to handle it !!!!! i just want one peaceful day but its not happening anytime soln n just vfhfjdh my mental health is just !!!!! rlly low rn n im just watching tao stuff n listening to one song over n over n its not helping n idk what else to do n cfhfgfn im a Mess™ ;; (2/?)like i know ill be Okay sooner or later but just,,,,aahh n then bad stuff is happening in November n i just i dont like life a whole lot rn n ngnbnbghfnm ill just watch sailor moon until i fall asleep :^[[[[ life is hectic n its weird bc it seems like its like that for everyone recently ????? Idk i hope everyone can be okay soon ;;; n !!! I hope its okay for you ;A; you’re getting enough water i hope n the fox you post abt is rlly cute n i love him okok (¾)okok last one im sorry ;;; the fox is super cool like can i have him :^[[[ n congrats on finally drawing ur wife !!!!!!! it took me a year of knowing one of my friends to draw them n i didnt even finish it bc i drew tao off to the side instead fkfgfgfjfv im a cluttered mess in these messages im sorry !!!!! i hope they dont bother u n if they do please tell me okok ill understand ;; (4/4) i think did i misscount ??? idk numbers asklfgvxlhgwaddup jay i lied that wasnt it vcvfgxgfj i have a new phone so i can join the pokemon go world rlly late but i hope ill be able to walk far enough to get cool pokemons ;;A;; i want a charizard bc hes my favorite ee okok im actually going now i hope u have a good day n that you get enough water n more of ur soup stuff it looked rlly nice :^0000 anyway i Will Go Now bye bye 💙💙💙💙

ayo ! aa I’m sorry about that :{ having no quiet time to yourself is the worst. I guess if u can find an excuse/you’re able to go out you could go somewhere quiet for a while at least? ; ; djhd tbh I spend a lot of time hiding in the bathroom just to get some peace so that’s always a nice temporary option. but ye sorry things aren’t so good rn or in the near future :c ye tho! I agree, everyone seems to be having a gross hectic time (its bc tao has been on hiatus for so long,,) things are super busy and hectic for me too but I’m hoping we’re near the end of like this period of busy things..idk. it’s been rough for months but I suddenly got really motivated to write and draw after like the entire year djks so at least I’m  feeling good about that again even with everything else gross.aa the foxes are so nice arent they;; there’s four of them so ur welcome to one ; ; I really hope if we feed them then they’ll survive the winter and have more babies ; o; they’re pretty friendly bc they were born right next to the garden so they’re used to us. DJHDF I keep trying to explain to wife that drawing them is stressful bc lack of refs/I CARE A LOT so Im worried about messing up like..it keeps turning into tao bc he’s safe dhsjd. ALSO HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH POGO and be careful !! and aa pls I like hearing from you~ sometimes I dont reply a while if there’s a lot cause I prefer being on laptop for better replies/so I can cut the post but ;u; Im always happy when u stop by with updates 💖

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...