#i havent been this depressed in years. this additional stress is not helping :/ i miss my little siblings so much. i hate oy seeing them

[be-good-to-bugs]

:/ why is it that things cant work out ok for me?

[mildlows]

Postpartum

Depression is so hard. Having a baby is so hard. But the hardest part about having PPD is the fact that you absolutely love this little version of you and your partner, that you feel guilty for feeling tired, or sad, or unmotivated. 3 months in, and I am finally starting to get better, without medication. I havent treated myself with medication for my anxiety or depression for the last 5 years and instead have been finding other methods to help reduce and release the stresses I carry. And to be fighting this PPD without medication as well, makes me feel so strong. So I am going to start a list of things I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful to have a healthy baby boy straight from my womb. Everything about my pregnancy was relatively easy. I got nausea, I was so tired, I was uncomfortable during the last few weeks. All the normal things. Thankfully, we didnt have any difficulties. The only thing that had to happen was an emergency c section, for his head was too big that I could not push it out, as much as i tried. I went through labor which was exactly what I expected it to be. Hurt like hell. And I had an epidural which was a life saver when it got way too hard to handle. He was worth it completely though.  

2. I am grateful to have a partner who is completely devoted to his family, who works tirelessly, and still comes home, makes me food, watches the baby, and lets me relax and take care of myself. I am so fortunate that he is always making sure I am taken care of before worrying about himself. I have never met a more selfless person who has treated me with the respect that I deserve after enduring a grueling 6 years of agony with a horrific person who most definitely was mooching off of me and had the worst anger issues and would take it out on me. I thank god every day I never got pregnant with his baby because that would have been a nightmare all on its own.

3. I am grateful to have a job where I am able to now work from home and have such flexibility to take my son to his doctors apts or to have days for myself when i need them. I never want to miss anything that happens in his life especially his firsts, and it is something that I am so happy I wont ever have to miss.

4. I am grateful to have supportive parents that are always there to help if ever I need a date night. I am so grateful to have a mother who is able to help guide me through motherhood when I get so tired and restless. She helped tremendously during my “baby blues” period, and I cannot thank her enough for that. I am grateful to have a dad that despite his machismo upbringing, still sees me as a woman who is capable of everything and supports me in absolutely everything I do. They are both the best grandparents we could ask for.

5. I am grateful to be able to save up $$ to put towards a down payment for our first house. Having to own is so much better than having to rent and I am so tired of throwing money down the drain. We are looking at houses that might need some renovation so we can tweak it to our liking. Although I would love to move somewhere like Philadelphia or even Seattle, I know realistically, being closer to home with a baby is the best bet. I want to make sure Jr has his grandparents around as hes growing up. I read an article the other day that stated kids who grow up with their grandparents are significantly happier than those who dont. So this is a decision we are still going over. I’d also considered moving to East Atlanta, or possibly Decatur, however, now it is 3 of us and I have to think about the best place to raise my baby and those places are too dangerous now. Maybe once hes older we can move somewhere else.

6. I am grateful to be in overall good health. I am also weighing less than I did pre-baby. Breastfeeding is such a beautiful bond I get to experience and an additional upside is it burns a lot of calories as well. I want to lose a bit more weight and become stronger again. I have to sign up at a gym in order to do that though because the weights I have here are very light and not sufficient.

I’m sure theres many more things I can list down, but for now, those are the most important ones.