#i haven't had a good day health-wise in idk how long

[taeraenini]

i would kill for ONE day when i just feel okay. not even good or great. just okay. and yet it seems like i'm asking for too much...

[joelscruff]

Cat! I just wanted to say thank you again for blessing us with your beautiful writing. I was SO happy to see you felt well enough to write another chapter of FoF (which was of course so beautiful, as always). Do you feel better from Covid overall? I imagine your mental health is on the incline, as you’ve been posting and writing lately, but if it’s not, please remember that you’re human. I found you on tumblr bc of your writing but I stayed because you’re such a genuine and real person whom I feel so safe with here. I am insanely thankful you’ve been feeling better lately, but please don’t push yourself. You deserve all the good things and all the happy feelings, but it is okay to not be okay. I think I can speak for a majority of us readers/followers who will always support you, even when you don’t feel like writing. Ilysm and I’m always here if you need to vent/chat. 🤍🥰✨

cass 😭😭😭 you beautiful soul i love you so much and i'm so grateful for your love and support, this means the entire fucking world to me i hope you know that and i hope you know how much i appreciate it 🥺💖 covid-wise i'm feeling so much better, the only leftover symptom i have is a really bad cough which i've had for about a month now. it's slowly fading day by day but i can't wait til it's just GONE. idk if i've talked much abt it on here but i'm a singer in my spare time (don't get excited - it's mainly open mics on the weekends with friends, nothing serious lmao) and i haven't been able to sing in sooo long. i miss it so much 😭 hopefully i'll be fully back to normal soon.

[arloconroy]

Hello, this will be long. I'm kinda looking for advice/ Am I just crazy and attention seeking or is it possibly Bpd(borderline personality disorder).

I keep feeling bad talking to my boyfriend about it/ it's not like he can really help, so I'm just gonna yeet it here and see what happens (probably a bad idea but oh well).

Warning this is very fucking long

Trigger warnings (selfharm, ED, depression, suicide, mental disorders... Venting/ have all my thoughts I've had enough of talking to my empty bedroom)

Okay so I'm pretty sure I have borderline personality disorder or something similar. I am actively dealing with self harm and suicidal thoughts (also thoughts of hurting people too) these are practically constant thoughts and tend to come as images flashing in my vision or just feel like everything is screaming in my brain/ very angry static until I hurt myself.

I also feel numb constantly and feel like I'm fucking floating a lot, I usually hurt myself to bring myself back to reality (the pain helps and I can control it, which is nice. Sidenote: I haven't cut for like 20 days I think so yippee, I doubt this will last but oh well)

Even if I'm doing something I like or with people I like and genuinely feel happy/ okay then I still get urges to hurt myself. I usual feel worse if I have a good day, if I'm having a good day then I know the night will feel horrible since being alone with my brain is such a stark difference from the happiness around my friends/ whilst doing something I enjoy.

I barely have energy for anything anymore and tend to avoid eating/ feel sick whilst eating(possibly anxiety about other stuff, possibly an ED I don't fucking know)

The only break I get from my thoughts and urges is when I'm distracting myself which fucks with my sleeping as I need to do something to make the thoughts shut up, sometimes that doesn't even work. Sometimes I just give up and look at sad/ depressing shit( sometimes I give in to the urges when I do this, sometimes I don't. Depends on... I don't fucking know what, I barely have control)

I feel fucking crazy as there's nothing really bad, trauma wise, that would make me this constantly suicidal and depressed but then I know slightly traumatic stuff happened but that was mostly being left alone a lot/ ignored/ holy crap I am very autistic+anxious+a people pleaser. This mixture of things made me get in trouble a lot, for reasons I didn't realize was bad and then get very scared/ have panic attacks when I was younger and now( college doesn't help with anxiety and mental health, I've always hated school greatly. Love learning and finding out stuff but now I can barely get out of bed and don't even care anymore, I just can't make myself care. I think my brain still thinks I should of died August 2023 so I'm just waiting for when I die, I barely think I'm gonna make another year or two. Anyway, slight tangent there)

So the autism and shit, basically I'm always paranoid I do the wrong things. This reminds me.

Bpd triggers, how dare they all be things I've had panic attacks about before (I'm probably the quiet type- idk if that's the right name for it, I've just seen it somewhere before. The type that doesn't lash out at others but just blames themselves and hurts themselves/ takes their anger out on themselves) like if people suddenly stop replying/ reading messaging mid conversation then I panic and I send like 20 apology messages. I tend to send like 5 to 10 messages at a time, mostly to calm my own anxiety. At least one of them is probably an apology.

My anger is really scary sometimes, I can go from being fine to extreme anger (like I go silent and feel like trying to rip my own face off/ picture ripping my own eye out-ive actually pictured that a couple times, my brain is annoyingly vivid- like I get so angry so quickly and really violent sometimes. It's genuinely scary, I can look at someone and genuinely picture exactly how I'd hurt them. It's scary and I can usually control it via scratching myself or hitting myself/ hurting myself in some way) my anger is usually from being criticized/ being bad at something or sensory overstimulation(autism maybe idk, I have a lot of shit going on in my brain. Most of it is bad and overwhelming and makes me want to punch people or myself) (I don't play boardgames/ video games where I can lose for a reason. I literally bent my phone in anger before, it still worked for a long time after even though I could see the light from behind the screen in the corners where the screen was lifting up, since I bent the body of the phone slightly) I can try to control it but it's so fast/ instinctual when I do try to hurt myself out of anger that it's really hard to just not.

Everything feels out of control, like I'm just watching myself trainwreck again and again. I'm just watching myself selfdestruct and feeling so guilty and powerless. It drives me insane, I know I shouldn't think or do what I'm about to do but I just can't make myself stop. I can't tell if I just need to try harder or it's genuinely out of my control, I can't handle doing daily staying alive tasks and keeping my brain under control. It's so draining and I've been doing it for 2 years now and I really just want to be okay already. I want it to go away, I want to be a little kid again, I want to be an oblivious again. A little messed up but oblivious to how bad it really is, oblivious to the constant pain and just how bad/ dark those thoughts are. I hate this so much and I don't know how to get help. I don't want therapy (it seems pointless/ I don't know if it would help and I tend to go mute around people and get scared when talking about what I would need to talk about+ in my head everyone is yelling or screaming at me or about to attack me for any reason ever/ I always think I'm about to be in trouble and can see people suddenly snapping and attacking me in my head even though I can obviously see them just existing and not caring about my existence-trauma probably idk, I don't think I ever got hit/yelled at that badly when I was younger. I'm contemplating just admitting myself to a mental hospital out of fucking desperation/ I can't afford therapy, I don't know if I need to pay for a mental hospital. I really hope I don't need to, I don't think I can handle this alone/ without constant support of some kind and I don't have money for that kind of thing)

I'm pretty sure I'd need some amount of medications to make things bearable and help, I just want to be assessed for mental disorders so I have a clear reason, then I'd feel less fucking crazy/ like I'm just faking or after attention because maybe I am but then I'd feel even more like a piece of trash for doing this to myself.

It feels like I did this to myself but that can't be what this is, everything seems like it's my fault and it probably is but I just can't tell and it's driving me fucking insane.

Anyway, idk if I had other stuff to mention but my face is weirdly emotionless rn and every part of me feels heavy so I'm just gonna listen to caddy sleeps and try to get some sleep.

Edit: Suddenly remembered something it does tend to be in phases. Throughout a day, I know what times I'll usually be at my worst ( late at night/ afternoon) this might just be from being alone at those times but idk. Anyway, gonna actually try sleeping now (I just realized my music has been turned off for like 30mins)

To anyone reading this:

Firstly, thanks for reading this and I'm pretty sure I won't actually off myself or anyone else (my thoughts are just scary and vivid but I am a fucking wimp so most likely won't actually do anything that bad apart from sh)

Secondly, sorry this is so fucking long. I just really needed to put all my thoughts in one place and so obviously decided that Tumblr was the best place (I make bad decisions but it's nearly 2am so I don't fucking care)

Thirdly, I really hope you're having a good night/day and if you're not, have a cat:

(⁠^⁠.⁠_⁠.⁠^⁠)⁠ﾉ

[floating-lovely]

My best friend is getting on my nerves. I'm just tired of people telling me they'll be here for me and they just aren't. Even my caseworker doesn't answer my emergency text when i actually reach out she always pushes me to reach out so I finally did n she said she'll answer when shes done driving n never did. My bestfriend is the only other unpaid person other than my dad that I can tell everything to and even now I can't. I sent her a long message of my struggles with my niece n everything like Friday and she said she would answer on her break n barely ended up answering today, Sunday afternoon. She also answered crappily from what the preview showed like if she didn't really read the message or idk just a half ass response but then kept sending more detailed responses after i kept not answering. I know she's busy and going through her own things but just don't open my message if you can't reply because it hurts even more to just be pushed aside. I haven't opened her messages but get previews that things were bad with her husband n she had to turn off her phone (which like come on now total lie) n she's planning on moving out with her sister blah blah she always says shes leaving n she doesnt which again I'm not mad I just feel like she's trying to convince me or make me feel bad or like idk? Yet another message says something about how she hung out with one of the couple of guys shes cheating on her husband with. So she has time to make plans n lie to see this guy but not to sneak a simple message back if she had to shut off her phone? Or she can always go hang with this guy but not leave the house to call me if she cant call me around her husband? She literally only calls me on her way to see this guy (she lives in a different state than me) so like less than 15 minutes and then spends the night doing shrooms with this guy n stuff. I'm glad he makes her happy but obviously i just don't matter to her. My dad is my only person left and he hasn't been through what me n my bff have gone through mental health wise. But he tries n he's always here for me he just always ends up involving God which can make me feel like I don't pray enough n I've blown up on him before for that because it can make me feel guilty n worse like im not praying right or enough. But he gives good advice about how to handle my niece n he just does try to listen. When my dad isn't home or if he's resting I'm just all alone at the end of it all. I don't want to answer her but I'm still using my apps so she keeps messaging me like okay so you can go days without messaging me but I have to answer you right away? No I'm just tired of it. I'm just alone and have to get used to it. I only had fun by myself when I'm high but it makes me binge so not doing that.