#i haven't had a good day health-wise in idk how long

[taeraenomuyeppeo]

i would kill for ONE day when i just feel okay. not even good or great. just okay. and yet it seems like i'm asking for too much...

[joelscruff]

Cat! I just wanted to say thank you again for blessing us with your beautiful writing. I was SO happy to see you felt well enough to write another chapter of FoF (which was of course so beautiful, as always). Do you feel better from Covid overall? I imagine your mental health is on the incline, as you’ve been posting and writing lately, but if it’s not, please remember that you’re human. I found you on tumblr bc of your writing but I stayed because you’re such a genuine and real person whom I feel so safe with here. I am insanely thankful you’ve been feeling better lately, but please don’t push yourself. You deserve all the good things and all the happy feelings, but it is okay to not be okay. I think I can speak for a majority of us readers/followers who will always support you, even when you don’t feel like writing. Ilysm and I’m always here if you need to vent/chat. 🤍🥰✨

cass 😭😭😭 you beautiful soul i love you so much and i'm so grateful for your love and support, this means the entire fucking world to me i hope you know that and i hope you know how much i appreciate it 🥺💖 covid-wise i'm feeling so much better, the only leftover symptom i have is a really bad cough which i've had for about a month now. it's slowly fading day by day but i can't wait til it's just GONE. idk if i've talked much abt it on here but i'm a singer in my spare time (don't get excited - it's mainly open mics on the weekends with friends, nothing serious lmao) and i haven't been able to sing in sooo long. i miss it so much 😭 hopefully i'll be fully back to normal soon.

[floating-lovely]

My best friend is getting on my nerves. I'm just tired of people telling me they'll be here for me and they just aren't. Even my caseworker doesn't answer my emergency text when i actually reach out she always pushes me to reach out so I finally did n she said she'll answer when shes done driving n never did. My bestfriend is the only other unpaid person other than my dad that I can tell everything to and even now I can't. I sent her a long message of my struggles with my niece n everything like Friday and she said she would answer on her break n barely ended up answering today, Sunday afternoon. She also answered crappily from what the preview showed like if she didn't really read the message or idk just a half ass response but then kept sending more detailed responses after i kept not answering. I know she's busy and going through her own things but just don't open my message if you can't reply because it hurts even more to just be pushed aside. I haven't opened her messages but get previews that things were bad with her husband n she had to turn off her phone (which like come on now total lie) n she's planning on moving out with her sister blah blah she always says shes leaving n she doesnt which again I'm not mad I just feel like she's trying to convince me or make me feel bad or like idk? Yet another message says something about how she hung out with one of the couple of guys shes cheating on her husband with. So she has time to make plans n lie to see this guy but not to sneak a simple message back if she had to shut off her phone? Or she can always go hang with this guy but not leave the house to call me if she cant call me around her husband? She literally only calls me on her way to see this guy (she lives in a different state than me) so like less than 15 minutes and then spends the night doing shrooms with this guy n stuff. I'm glad he makes her happy but obviously i just don't matter to her. My dad is my only person left and he hasn't been through what me n my bff have gone through mental health wise. But he tries n he's always here for me he just always ends up involving God which can make me feel like I don't pray enough n I've blown up on him before for that because it can make me feel guilty n worse like im not praying right or enough. But he gives good advice about how to handle my niece n he just does try to listen. When my dad isn't home or if he's resting I'm just all alone at the end of it all. I don't want to answer her but I'm still using my apps so she keeps messaging me like okay so you can go days without messaging me but I have to answer you right away? No I'm just tired of it. I'm just alone and have to get used to it. I only had fun by myself when I'm high but it makes me binge so not doing that.

[ymalcal]

Personal Update bc I need to put this stuff somewhere other than my head

I STILL haven't figured out how to do the see more cut on mobile, or if you even can anymore, so sorry for the long unnecessary post taking up space.

I've been doing... not well exactly but fine more or less other than having a horrible bought of the stomach flu or something in which I literally threw up all over myself while getting a CT scan at the hospital and then again while getting an IV infusion... it was a horribly mortifying day and I'm still recovering from that aspect of everything. But Ive been fine more or less mood wise.

And then suddenly I just wasn't anymore. I have a pretty good idea what it was that set me off, but if I'm being honest with myself that was just like the last straw kinda moment and I've been feeling kinda numb and shitty for a couple of days now. I hate falling into these mood cycles where everything feels overwhelming and like I just can't handle anything. I hate feeling vulnerable and idk fragile? Is that the right word? I just wish things would stop spiraling out of my control and that I could figure out how to be an actual functioning human. So I guess what I'm saying is that things are getting bad again and all my mental health team seems to be able to ask me lately is how I want to handle my treatment plan and what I want to focus on... of I had any idea how to answer those questions I probably would need them a lot less than I probably do though so I wish they would fucking stop. But I guess that's the recurring factor... and I just don't know where to go from here...