#i haven't been to one of these things since before covid i barely remember how it's even run

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

friend: *has conflicting schedule for something church-related*

friend's mum: hey do you [meaning me] want to run it

me, instantly: absolutely not.

[jbird-the-manwich]

I was talkin to a friend about covid yesterday and like... I haven't seen a lot about it lately but talking about it got me thinking about how absolutely fucked up and freaky, in hindsight, my last bout of covid was, like... if you've not had it/been asymptomatic, I love that for you, but like... seriously. do still be doing the masking if you can, avoid crowded places with poor ventilation as you're able, try to keep a handle on not letting strangers breathe directly on you, etc. I got the shit last year, before thanksgiving, KEPT it till this spring, (long covid) and it fucking sucks.

Like. It SUCKS. it SCARY sucks. I had nausea, chest pain, tachycardia, extreme weakness and fatigue... like... I had OG-covid, back in 2020, and another couple bouts in the years since then, but that last one? that particular Covid was not fucking playing with me.

That shit tried to kill me. I had a fever so high I was having delirium. I didn't experience any weird horniness, like in the meme, personally, but I did have weird SCARY neurological symptoms, I was so nauseated I wanted to die, the fever (which was recurrent, and intermittent, at 104f, for *months* off an on) had me acting fucking weird, I'd get nauseus, then super aggressive and fighty, had episodes of extreme confusion, not being able to remember simple words and phrases, (I don't mean standard adhd either I mean I could barely talk coherently at times, when I wasnt fucking losing my shit rambling about nonsense) random crying spells, tremors, inability to stay awake, It affected my memory, my ability to walk, and still affects my basic levels of strength and ability to do shit.

for real the shit is serious. I went to the hospital and my tachycardia was so bad the nurse pulled my sister aside (who is not authorized to receive any information, btw) and told her not to let me leave the hospital because they thought I was going to have a heart attack. Cuz my heart rate was so fucked from the fever. I was fucking holding on to walls and shit, could barely walk, I was taking phenergan so consistently it straight up stopped working, and I'm negative, now, but like... I lost 20 lbs by the end of it. No shit. from 151 to 129. and I'm still not entirely better.

I'm still having memory issues, I barely remember the last year aside from bits and pieces, and the fatigue is fucking unreal. like. I was *stout*, pre-covid, and had a pretty solid vocabulary, and now I feel like half my brain is missing. my energy levels are on the upswing, but that's taken months, and I'm still not half as strong as I was before I got that last round last year, so like... I know not a lot of people are masking, and very few people are still talking about it, out and about, but like... seriously. it is real. It is fucking debilitating. it can affect your goddamn brain.

Do try to avoid getting that shit. I would not recommend it. As diseases go? It's a total bitch. wear a mask if you can. I was a *very* fit, quite strong 30-something, built like a brick shit house, and I lost almost *all* of my muscle mass, and it feels like I got *extremely fucking dumber*. I had projects I was working on, and I don't remember how they were supposed to go together. in the span of less than a year, cuz fuckin covid set up in my (vaccinated) body and was like "oh, I think I'll stay". So yeah. not a hot news topic, right now, anymore, but... for real. It is still there, and it will fuuuuuuuuuck your whole shit up. I am *still* having to have blood panels run, pretty much every doctor I see is just like. "huh. Well that's... pretty shitty..." And I mean im very lucky. I'm alive and mostly undamaged, barring a couple things, but yeah. It is for real still a thing and will totally wreck a whole ass year, if it takes a mind to, so... try to avoid it, where you can. Get vaccinated, if you're not, wear a mask, if able, and don't listen to the people that aren't taking your safety into consideration in their rationale for not taking it seriously as a potentially debilitating disease, particularly if you have any kind of pre-existing risk factors, including previous covid infections. I don't wanna scare anybody but like... the shit is real and it will lay you low, is, I guess, is the point I'm trying to make.

[wraenata]

You seem to put a lot of energy into being considerate of others. I'm thankful for it but like, how? I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Hi anon! Thank you very much, I really appreciate this.

I really like being considerate of others, in fact it makes me happy. When I see someone having a down day, I just want them to know that someone saw, and wants things to get better for them. Because that's how I really feel. I love all of you in my phone and I want you to be ok. And I like leaving nice tags for people on their art, because I know how much joy that can bring.

But, ugh, yeah. I'm not going to lie, it takes a lot of energy.

I think I'll put the rest under the cut...

Ever since the months started getting warmer this year I've been having more trouble keeping up with my dash (I'm someone who needs to scroll through the whole thing). Before the wedding I was in and covid about a month ago, I was able to just barely keep up with my dash and also scrolling the rise tag. Because I didn't want to miss anything! I also was able to scroll through ao3 to see what new fics were posted and bookmark ones I wanted to read! I...haven't been able to do that anymore...and I hate it.

I'm so far behind on reading fanfics that I absolutely enjoy because I just don't have the energy for reading anything longer than 1k at a time right now. And I can't start any new ones until I catch up on the old ones. There are so many writing posts I came across on my dash that are stuck in draft jail until I have time and energy to read them. And quite a few art posts that I came across when I just didn't have time.

I try hard to keep up with my dash at work but I only have so much (extremely generous) time to do that. I'm often speed running tags when I don't have a lot of time or energy. And sometimes I can't express just how much I love your art because of that low time or energy. And I hate putting posts in drafts cause it piles up and gives me anxiety. And when I come home its just, dash, all night.

I am eternally grateful for @/teainthesnow, she keeps all the tmnt tagged posts coming onto my dash so I can still see them (if you see this tea I am so appreciative of all the work you do for the fandom, you are an amazing person and I love you/platonic).

I've already unfollowed a few blogs, and I agonized over it, for like weeks, before doing it. But it hasn't been enough. If you noticed I unfollowed you in the past 2 months, please know that it was nothing personal and I hated that I had to do it. I miss seeing your posts and how your day is going. We are mutuals in my heart forever.

In fact I wish I could follow so many more blogs but I have had to stop myself for a while now. And it really fucking sucks. I've tried filtering a bunch of tags to make it easier too but it's not enough.

The fact of the matter is, I need to unfollow more blogs. And I hate to do it. I know I need to do it. I've known for a while now. I don't have the energy to keep up with it anymore, not after getting covid. I'm just so tired. All the time.

If you see that I unfollow you at some point, again, I love you and we are mutuals in my heart forever. All of my followers are my mutuals. My askbox and messages are always open. You can always tag me in posts (and oh my I'm just remembering all the of tag games I haven't had time to do) I just can't keep up with this anymore. I want to get back to reading fanfic and making the mountains of fanart I want to do for people.

I just, I love you all. But I'm so so tired. I really hope if anything comes out of this long ramble, its that I love you all. The rise fandom has given me so much and I want to return that love.

I'm sorry for the late response anon, and I'm sorry for turning your lovely ask into a bit of a vent. I've tried to put this off for as long as I could, but I just can't do it anymore.

I love you all though <3

[queendeeshorrorimagines]

08/14/2024

Tw: Depression, Caregiving, Dementia, Strokes, hospice, covid, mentions of physical and verbal abuse.

It's been quite a bit since I last been on here. I apologize for not being around a lot this year. I know most of you either thought i dissappeared or i gave up on this blog completely, i can understand both sides. 2024 has been hell for me, especially the last three months.

The man who raised me from the time I was 5 years old isn't doing well. His most recent stroke discovery was June 16th of this year. We took him to the ER because he was in extreme pain to the point he couldn't move. That's when my family found out he had a recent stroke that caused neglect on the left side of his body. He spent about a month total between the hospital and inpatient rehab to try to regain his mobility the best he could.

He got out on July 11th, with having at home physical and occupational therapy coming by multiple times a week. He was starting to do pretty well with using his left arm and leg but then came the lack of sleep and the moodswings.

The moodswings wasn't normal for him. He normally doesn't yell and berate me, my cousin, nor my mother. He was the kind of person who would cut the fool but wasn't verbally abusive towards his favorite women in his life. He has never called me a bad name in my entire life until he got back from. Hes never physically hurt me in my life until recently. It was as if there was a blank look on his face as he was pulling my hair for dear life. I know it's not him but it's still fucked me up to see this man that was my hero do such a thing.

It was so bad that we had to call emergency services on the 6th of this month because he wouldn't let us take him to the hospital to get him checked out for his breathing issues. He ended up having covid. We don't know where he got it from and at this point all we wanted was for him to get better. It was suggested to us to look into hospice care given how his agitation was worse than before and that it could be Dementia.

He got home this past Sunday with the original plan for my family to talk to a social worker that was in charge of the home therapy to get him back on and to explore further options with hospice.

Between Sunday and Monday morning before the representative arrived, he was forgetting who my mom and I were at one point. He barely ate any food. He wasn't doing well and we realized that it wasn't having covid. We decided that it was best to put him in home hospice and make whatever time he has left as peaceful as we could make it.

My hero was officially in hospice on Tuesday. It kills me to see him decline so quickly. This man was more of a father to me growing up compared to my biological father. Seeing him fade away in this way has been making me depressed for the past three months.

I've cried almost every day for the past three months. If I'm not crying, I disassociate into becoming completely numbed to everything. I barely sleep, I'm lucky to eat two meals a day, it's usually one meal and a small snack. I don't remember the last time I genuinely laughed or smiled. My under eyes were so red that it was extremely painful to cry but I couldn't stop tearing up.

In my gut, I doubt that he's going to make it by the end of this year. I know putting him in hospice is the best thing for him, he wouldn't want his favorite women to be going through this. I know he wouldn't want me to be this depressed, he would want me to enjoy the good times we had as a family.

I had a mental breakdown around my biological father to the point he was talking to me for half an hour to try to calm me down and console me the other day. I still haven't told my managers about what's going on yet because I honestly don't want to break down completely in front of them.

I'll try to be on the best I can to keep everyone updated with the occasional fic.

[littlegreenwyvy]

If you do not wear a facemask indoors

then go fuck yourself, cuz this is your fault 💚

This goes for my friends too btw sorry 💚

Actually tbh not all that sorry

I'm getting to the point where I'm willing to lose friends over whether or not you voluntarily protect your community in ways that will tangibly and directly help to prevent a fatal effect on people like me. Frankly if you're friends with me and you don't do this then please don't be friends with me, because like you're basically making yourself a danger for me to be around anyway. If I have to worry about how many people YOU'VE been in contact with IN ADDITION to how many people I'm in contact with myself, and all the people THEY'RE in contact with, and the likelihood that any of us or them have been in contact with someone who may or may not have had or been exposed to someone who had covid... I'm just gonna not bother. We will never meet, ever. And that's what my life has been like. I haven't seen my friends. I've barely seen some of my own family members who I LIVE with, because of how often we have to isolate IN OUR OWN HOMES from each other after a possible exposure. Remember isolating? It's that thing you do when either you're sick OR YOU DON'T KNOW YET IF YOU'VE CAUGHT THE SICK FROM SOMEONE.

Btw since nobody can afford to regularly test anymore (not that people stay home anyway even when they are sick), any stranger with a cough or sniffle you're 'in contact' (i.e. in the same room/vehicle/space) with is essentially a possible covid contact (and that's not even taking into account how many people go around with NO acute symptoms at all, or just really bizarre, seemingly unrelated ones, or who mistake then for migraines or allergies or something else).

But to get back on track, I don't really wanna be friends with you if after 4 years of all this, knowing everything we know now, after all that the world has been through, you STILL don't bother to take ANY precautions.

If you don't wear a mask nowadays, why not?

Do you just not care? I wish I had that luxury.

Do you think 'why bother'? It's because we're super fucked if nobody does, so start with yourself.

Are you just content with the risk of infecting someone else? Fuck you if so.

Do you think infections are GOOD? You couldn't be more wrong.

Do you think it's not 'bad enough' to warrant taking a PREVENTATIVE MEASURE? It's called PREVENTATIVE for a reason.

Do you genuinely just not know how prevalent and SERIOUSLY BAD covid still is?? Learn how to listen to disabled people.

Whatever the reason, I'M not content with the risk. I don't know your situation, friend who is reading this, but the risk is significantly higher for ME than it is for 'healthy' people! And I'm sick of the entire world deciding FOR me what the 'comfort level' with covid should be, based on the people who are statistically less likely to die from it. (The objectively correct answer is still SUPER SERIOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE by the way. You're straight up, plain old wrong if you think otherwise, by the way. Covid is ALWAYS a risk, no matter how 'healthy' or 'low risk' you are.)

So in short my friends, even if you're not going to interact with me specifically, if you're also not implicitly and automatically trying to protect the people who ARE around you with some high-covid-risk factor, then that's just kinda fucked up in my opinion.

You're contagious for several days before AND after your symptoms start and end. You're contagious even if you have NO symptoms. Just wear the mask...! It won't kill you to wear one, but it very well may kill someone you know, if you don't.

[jjsanguine]

I was scrolling on Instagram and went through the account of a guy who roller skates while talking about various things.

And I remember one time in summer 2020, when J Florid bought a penny board and we went skateboarding. I'm not good at skateboarding. and unlike J florids shiny new skateboard, I had a shitty regular board with wood that was staring to split and rusty wheels. I've always preferred using inline skates to a skateboard but after I outgrew the skates I had as a kid I've just never gotten back into it. But it's 2020, I've just dropped out of uni, this whole pandemic thing means finding a job is impossible, and I have nothing but time. So when J Florid is asks if I want to go skateboarding I say sure.

I'm not good at skateboarding. Even if I had been, the only place around that was at all flat enough to skate on assist from the road was full of trees, so I went over a tree root and stacked it. I didn't lose teeth or anything, but my knee bent way further than its natural range of motion. It might sound counter intuitive since I'm hypermobile but I'm very inflexible—I haven't been able to cross my legs since primary school.

Obviously, my knee swelled like a balloon and I had difficulty even walking for the next month. And I think, I'll get back to it at some point when my leg's healed. 3½ years later, I haven't. Watching these videos had me think for a moment, why didn't I buy some skates again? And then I remembered that I can't. I often drop a hobby and pick it up a few years later so for a moment there I forgot that it wasn't just that I had been distracted.

I didn't go skating again because I can't do anything that physically demanding, not without risking hospitalisation. I can't learn how to skate, I can't learn how to swim, I can't get back into rock climbing, or run up the stairs two at a time with a vice grip or the railing, or walk around the shopping centre aimlessly, or go to the library, or go to the lake and skip stones, or dance in my own house because I can't do exercise anymore.

I don't whip cream anymore, I don't turn okele anymore, I don't knead bread dough anymore, I don't draw anymore, I don't spend hours doing my own hair anymore, I don't really read anymore, I don't do much of anything anymore because I don't want to be in an ambulance again.

I don't remember when I last painted my nails, because of how often I've had a pulse oximeter on my hand. I don't remember when the last time I was able to shower standing up was. I don't remember when the last time I sat at my desk was, because I can't sit up for extended periods of time.

I remember the last time I left my house because it was to go to GP, which is the only reason I leave the house nowadays. I remember having to go to the hospital and sitting there for hours and doing a bunch of blood tests and once again getting the everything's clear, go home. And I remember how my breathing was still so constricted I could barely speak, and how the next day it felt like the fog of exhaustion was lifting a little. And how the fog came back. And seemed to lift and then came back. Over and over, to this day.

I will never ever forgive my family for exposing me to COVID. If I didn't live with them I would have been disappointed. I would have been angry. But now I can't leave. And I have to get reinfected over and over because I can't wear a mask while I'm eating or drinking or the rare time I can take an actual shower instead of having a sponge and a bowl. And I have to hear the coughing and the whining about being sick and the catarrh. I can never forgive this because I thought of all people they would care.

They can see me deteriorating month on month but they ignore how they too are getting sicker so I guess it's too much to expect.

I've never had anyone really close to be die before because I just assumed it would be me who died. At first because I was actively suicidal and now because I think my heart or my lungs or my blood vessels might just give up on me. So I never really thought I'd have to experience grief. I never thought about how I could be doing something mundane and just break down, sobbing. Now I'm grieving not just my future but my past. All that time spent acquiescing. All that time spent being angry and afraid and trapped by my family but still loving them. All that time thinking they'd return the favour. And how despite me I still do love them, but wouldn't speak to any of them ever again if I had the chance.

[trickiis]

september 10th, 2023.

hello.

everything has changed since we have last spoken.

dad died.

october 27th 2022 dad died in his sleep. alone at the house in new hampshire. i was in arizona with mom and had been since august 2022. he was planning a trip to come out for my 21st birthday in november 2022.

it's been impossible the handle. i cant lie and say i've been good. i'm literally on autopilot. it's like that was the final straw. i had already been bone tired, but the chaotic grief that was august2022-march2023 sent me into a spiral. i had countless breakdowns and the months were categorized by the notable (by others, multiple times) presence of a depressive episode. i was down to 112lbs again, not on purpose this time.

it broke at the end of may 2023 when mom's friend sandy took us to her timeshare in aruba. we stayed on eagle beach and i swam in the caribbean ocean every single day for two weeks. i felt like i shed my fucking skin and left it there. i was literally ecstatic when i came home & working felt great.

i've gained back a lot of weight and i haven't felt bad about it once. i actually have a completely different physique than i ever did before cuz i've worked 5 days a week since feeling better (feeling better=gaining weight). i've gotten strong. like really strong, and my muscle definition is pretty impressive. [impressive enough for others to comment on it, not my own words]

also, the Covid-19 pandemic is officially over. well, right now there's a little spike happening (seasonally expected - like the flu), but i think it was in may 2023 they announced it was no longer a pandemic. it was apparently not an epidemic either, so literally all of the precautions were dropped. and also, i had covid, again. for the third time. i had covid on my 21st birthday. which was insane because a couple weeks before my birthday i vividly remember say out loud to mom "the only thing that would make my birthday worse would be if i had covid,".

and then i had covid.

all i can do is laugh because i literally speak prophetic truth but it can only be right if the event is a fucking bad one. whatever.

21, so adult, right? yeaaahhh... cuz i bought a fucking house too.

like, actually. well, i guess not actually. mom bought the house for me. with money from the sale of the jericho house. my childhood home, sold!! fine by me. which is true, and not something i am compelled to lie about, yet still raises a red flag to half mast in the back of my head - i really don't care much that the house is gone. everyone made it sound like i should've been sad about so i'm kinda just hoping it hits in a little while. i haven't even accidentally tried to drive there instead of going to the new house though...not even once.

i love the new place. we just moved in on august 28th. it's in a trailer park, and i really hope i'll be able to make friends with the people in the houses around. i have no direct neighbors though, cuz the houses are being replaced. it's sooooo quiet.

anyway, just wanted to tell you all that.

oh, and i can't believe how much of this journal is about him. it's weird to read that much about someone you barely think about nowadays. but i guess it makes sense, as to why he's been so hard to undo. i guess i never realized how bad it was while it was happening. sad to think about. there's been more incidents with him since we last spoke as well, but i won't waste energy discussing them. he doesn't deserve it.

thanks for listening!! bye!

-TM

[pursuerlife]

The Terror of My First Panic Attack & How It Lead Me To Pursue Peace

I will always remember July 25th, 2020.

I was in the back of my family's expedition, feeling extremely anxious after a family event--my first large gathering since before the COVID quarantine lockdown when I was in the Philippines months before.

I didn't know what was going on with me, so I stared out the window, crying softly to myself. My mom noticed how quiet I was and asked, "Mal, are you okay?"

I barely got out the words, "I think I'm having an anxiety attack," while sobbing and gasping for air before I felt everything break inside me.

Both of my sisters spun around from their seats and reached out their arms to grab me. I clung to them like a terrified child--wild-eyed and desperately trying to breathe.

It was like all the oxygen in the car had run out.

As I hyperventilated faster by the second, I could feel my eyes start to roll back in my head.

I'm gonna pass out.

"Mal, look at me! Look at me! You need to breathe." My sister completely took command of the situation in a way I had never seen her act before.

As tears streamed down my face, my body shook uncontrollably and I lost all feeling. I had this strange, terrifying sensation like I had left my body. Still, I couldn't catch my breath.

I feel like I'm dying.

"Deep breaths, Mal! Deep breaths, you can do it."

After what felt like days, we arrived at home and I was eventually able to slow down my rapid, shallow breaths into the slow, deep breaths my sister was breathing for me.

Now, the next part you might laugh or cry at, because I can tell you God definitely knew I would be having my first panic attack on July 25th. July 25th was one of the days my best friend, a trained therapist to-be, was visiting me.

God literally placed a person trained in dealing with panic attacks right in front of me when I needed them.

Isn't that something.

As soon as I got home, she lovingly and expertly guided me through the steps of recovering from a panic attack. God knew I needed her to be there on that specific day, because without her, I might not have sought professional help.

That night before bed, she said these words, "You are strong, but getting help would also be a strong thing to do."

I dropped her off at the airport a few days later and while hugging goodbye she left me with one last thought: "Please talk to someone."

"I will."

It was then that I knew I had to seek professional help. If my best friend who just finished her master's in art therapy told me to get help, I needed help. That day I awoke to the realities of the trauma in my mind and knew I needed to pursue peace to heal.

I relive July 25th over each day. There's not a day that has gone by yet where I haven't been touched by the terror I felt in that moment. And sadly, that hasn't been my only panic attack.

But, I'm healing, and that's enough for now.

More on my healing journey coming soon.

Peace,

Mal

[deepintheblueocean]

IN ANOTHER LIFE

William Choi x Jeong Tae-Ra. Mature Content.

———

Jeong Tae Ra stepped out of her white van for her appointment for the day. She was supporting a medical campaign for the COVID crisis. She walked into the hospital knowing exactly who owned it. As soon as she thought about that one-night moment 4 years ago, he appeared: William Choi.

It made no sense why he got on her last nerves. She was huffing and puffing on having to interact with him, as she saw him walking towards her with that godforsaken smirk, as he threw things at his assistant.

He looks different. More mature. Less accessorized. Gone is the fur coat and the silver chains. She knew he still had his attitude with the way he acted like the ground was his runway. The way he swayed his arms and flipped his hair. The way he still wore his thumb rings. He can be so unbearably vapid, and unbearably hot. She didn't understand why he had such an effect on her.

William Choi spotted her from a mile away. There she was, Jeong Tae Ra, the only woman that had any sort of effect on him. Four years ago, he met her for the first time. A one-night moment that left him speechless and afraid of the way his heartfelt looking at her.

"Jeong Tae Ra!!! Still being a diva at every set? Are you here for charity work? Your assistants look extremely tired, stop harassing their lives!" He says flipping his bangs and adjusting his sunglasses above his head, very stylishly.

"Ya! William Choi, mind your own business! Stop harassing your assistant. How many have you changed through already? Clearly you're unbelievably unbearably!"

Both their assistants knew it was going to be a long night. The sexual tension was so thick, even a knife would have trouble cutting through it.

They both go through the campaign event on their best behavior. Shaking hands, fingers lingering a little too long while handing over the mic. Their relationship was unnecessarily complicated.

As the event ends, they both say goodbye to the people present and involved in making the event happen. She plays nicely as she shakes William's hand to thank him for helping set the event up. While she shoots daggers at him with her eyes, he winks back.

"Manger-nim, I think it'll go to that basement bar tonight. Don't worry about me, you go home. I'll call the driver or hail a taxi." Tae-Ra says.

"Are you sure? I remember what happened four years ago. Please be careful, don't get caught. Be safe"

"Excuse me, you're talking like I'm going to go see him. No thank you. He's such a waste of time. I just want a drink. I'll be fine." She replies to her manager.

Her manager drives her home, where she changes into more comfortable clothes. Clothes she wouldn't be caught dead in, knowing the diva that she is. She grabs the key to her Porsche and heads to the basement bar.

**flashback, four years ago**

Tae-ra had just gotten out of a shoot when she received a million messages from her best friend Yoo In-na, begging her to come on this double date with her. She really wasn't up for it. Men are so annoying and fake around her. It can be really frustrating to watch. However, she could use a drink and she'd do anything for her best friend. Little did she know, she was going to meet the one person that would keep her on her toes.

She asked her manager to drive her to the restaurant they were meeting at. She was wearing a tight outfit, one that accentuated her curves in all the right places. It wasn't scandalous, just a turtle neck body con. Her hair was left open. A hair tie on her left hand. She wore a bare face. While she was known as a diva, makeup wasn't really her favorite accessory. Luckily she had great skin, and a lip balm does wonders for her lips. When she got the place, she was led to a private room. Yo In-na was already waiting for her with her date. He's not here yet? That's kind of rude. Who keeps a woman waiting? This is going to be an interesting night for him. In her mind, she had made up that she was going to make this man feel awful for keeping her waiting.

"Yoo In-na you didn't tell me who was going to be my date."

"Uhhh yeah about that if I told you earlier you would have bailed so I'm sorry for what's about to happen."

"Who is it?"

"It's William Choi."

"Excuse me? William Choi? The playboy William Choi? The one that goes around acting like he owns everything and people worship the ground he walks on? That William Choi? Fuck. In-na you owe me big time for this one."

"I know! I know. I'm so sorry, and you're the best Tae-ra. I'm so sorry."

Just as she finished that sentence, she heard it. It was unmistakably his voice.

"Where is the room, I hope its the biggest room you've got here." He entered, in his fur coat, long silver chains, sunglasses, and finger rings.

Who the fuck wears sunglasses at night. I hate him already. She scoffs.

"Hello everyone, I hope I haven't kept you waiting for too long. But then the party never starts without me." With a pretentious laugh, he sits down takes his sunglasses off, and throws his gum in tissue and tosses it in the trash.

"I guess this is my date," he says as he winks at Tae-ra while sitting down.

Lee Dong Wook, Yoo In-na's date, whispers "William please behave yourself. I really like this girl, don't ruin it for me."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be on my best behavior" he whispers back with a smirk.

Tae-ra, in an extremely agitated mood, decided to drink her weight in alcohol. She was just annoyed by his aura. She would be lying if she didn't think he was super attractive and extremely hot. Something about him really drew her in. But he was known to be an asshole, and she really doesn't need that kind of drama in her life. She just scoffed at him.

She looks drunk he thought. Very cutely drunk. He wanted to take her home, take care of her, and cuddle her in bed kind of cute. Hold up, what was that thought. He's never thought this about any woman. Usually, it's one night stands; a game of seduction. It's never anything more than that. He even has a separate apartment for his escapades, but he's imagining her in his own bed.

They haven't said many words to each other, they just shared a bottle of wine. She's looking at him like she's about to bite his head off. She's so cute. He needs to snap out of these thoughts. He's the William Choi, after all. He only breaks hearts. 

Their date was coming to an end, surprisingly to William's dismay. Dong Wook said he'd take Yoo In-na home. While Yoo in-na protested a little, she caught glimpses of how William was looking at Tae-ra. She knew Tae-ra would be safe with him, so she allowed William to drop a drunk Te-ra back home.

"William behave yourself! And thank you for dropping her back home," Yoo In-na replied.

William told his driver to follow him while he drove her Porsche back to her house. He carried her from the car seat as she put her arms around him. Gone was the facade of the asshole.

In all honesty that was just a pretense for the world, he wasn't actually the asshole everyone makes him to be. It was just easier to not display vulnerability in a cutthroat world and society. That's something he learned from his father. You can't have people walk all over you.

As he picked her up out of her car, he could hear her slurred words "I am Tae-ra! Are you a part of Tae-ra-byte? You should be? How could you not be? I won a daesang you know. I'm a famous actress. You should be my fan. I'm the famous actress Tae-ra, you handsome man.

He giggled as he laid her down on her bed. He went out to grab a glass of water, and some aspirin to leave on her bedside. He took a look around and realized that this house did not look like one that belonged to a diva. It was quite humble and cozy actually.

He placed the water and medicine at her bedside. He sat next to her for a moment wanting to look at her face when she's not scoffing at him for the asshole he is. She was beautiful. Barefaced and perfect. He pushed back a strand of hair as she caught his hand and said, "I don't want to be alone tonight. Please stay. thud thud. He felt out of breath. thud thud. He wanted to stay.

So he did something he's never done before. He laid down next to her. she came closer and nestled her face next to his neck. thud thud, what is going on. He waited until she had fallen asleep. He found it hard to leave. He left a note next to her bed. He couldn't be soft, so he put his facade back up and walked out.

Looking at his driver he said "what?!" as he flipped his hair and tightened his fur jacket. Having been his driver for over a while, ever since he was a kid, he just smiled and shook his head as he let him into the car and drove them home in the wee hours of the morning.

She wakes up in the morning with the worst headache. As she gets up holding her head to look for water, she finds water and drugs right next to her bed with a note attached.

"I had fun last night ;) ."

Excuse me what?!

She quickly looks under the blankets to find that she was wearing the same clothes as yesterday and sighs in relief.

What does he mean by fun? What the hell happened? Then she remembers. TAE-RA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE omo shit what the hell Tae-ra noooooo dammit.

Well, at least she never has to see him again. Oh, she wants to bury herself because of embarrassment. She's never been like that with a guy. thud thud She can feel his fingertips on her face. She yells into her pillow.

*end flashback*

She's awakened out of her thoughts by a car honking behind her. In reality, she's thought about reaching out to him again. He is good looking after all and she has needs, but Tae-ra's ego is way too big for her to reach out to someone she was momentarily vulnerable with.

She parks her car - valet isn't conspicuous enough - and goes to take a seat at her usual spot, all the way at the end of the bar. When she gets there, she sees that it's already taken. Being the diva Tae-ra that she is, she's about to go off when she spots the silver thumb ring. He lifts his head up, and it's none other than William Choi. The person she wants to avoid, but also wants to be next to.

This time it's his turn to be drunk. "Tae-raaaaaaaaa oh my Tae-raaaaaa, I'm a tae-ra-byte for you! What are you doing here? Are you here to see me?"

"NO" she scoffs.

"Can you be a little nicer to me? I've missed you."

She was taken aback by the confession. The William Choi admitting something sp sincere.

Well, since she was already at the bar she decided to order herself a drink. Before she could get to it, he said "the lady will have a martini with an orange twist."

Excuse me how did he know my drink.

"It's been four years Tae-ra, and I haven't been able to get you out of my mind."

Her drink arrives and she chugs its contents in one go. She feels soft. William Choi isn't someone she expected to be attracted to. This is the same man that drank a sip of coffee, that he usually likes, and said "what is this disgusting shit" and threw it back at his assistant. This William Choi is making her soft?

"Another one please bartender." She downs that one too.

"Your cheeks are flushed. You look cute." He needs to stop, she thinks.

It's not like she hasn't thought about this once in a while. "I'm scared," she says.

"So am I," he says.

"You wanna get out of here?"

At this point, she's downed three martinis within 10 mins. She's tipsy but aware of her decisions.

"Yes."

She leaves her car parked and takes his vehicle.

His driver asks "the other apartment?" He replies "no, mine."

The entire drive he looks at her like she's the biggest mystery to him. She can't meet his eyes. As he leads her to his loft, he never lets go of her hand. He rarely stops staring at her. This isn't the William Choi she knows.

"My Tae-ra-byte" he suddenly says. Why does he keep saying 'my'?

They barely get into the loft when she holds his face and kisses him. She just needs to know what's going on.

thud thud.

Whose heartbeat was that?

thud thud

It's both of theirs. As she moves away from the kiss, he quickly cups her face and kisses her back with more intensity. Breaking away to say "I've wanted to do this for long. Why do you effect me like this?"

"Why do you affect me like this?" she replies.

She kisses him back with equal desire. As their mouths battle to find air, she opens her mouth further to let his tongue in. They momentarily break away gasping for air. In less than a moment, they were back into it.

Tongues battling. Fingers running through hair. Faces being cupped. Bodies heating up. She wanted this, she wanted to know what it felt like to be next to him. She was curious.

He was curious. Stepping back from the kiss, he caressed her cheek and rubbed his thumb against it. He stared into her eyes, eyes that couldn't meet his. He returns to the lips he's missed so much even though it's barely been a minute. Kissing her gentler this time, he feels her hands raise up to unbutton his shirt.

He holds her hands, "are you sure?"

The player William Choi is asking me if I'm sure. Did he hit his head? Tae-ra gets what Tae-ra wants.

She nods her head, and he dives back in with more fervor. She continues to unbutton his shirt as she feels his hands go under her hoodie. Caressing and pulling her closer like there was any space left between them to cover.

She ran her hands over his sculpted body which elicited a moan from her. He lifter her hoodie off and stared at her mesmerized. Tae-ra wasn't shy. She knew she was desired, but this time the desire was so pure, it made her.....shy?

He held her hand and led them to his bedroom. They stand at the foot of the bed. He takes her bra off. Kissing her neck. Rubbing her nipples. The thumb ring seems to add to the pleasure. As he bites and licks her neck, she moans. It's harder for him to control himself. Her hands reach his pants. She rubs his bulge over his clothing, causing him to breathe deeply at her neck. As she unbuttons his pants, his hands are already up her skirt.

She pushes his pants and boxer down leaving him naked. As he cups her ass, he takes a nipple into his mouth. Then the other. She arches her back wanting more. Unable to control. Needing more. He's rubbing circles in her inner thighs. Massaging but not touching.

"Please," she says as she watches his mouth turn into that sinful smirk.

He pulls her skirt down and pushes her on to the bed. Legs pushed apart. Underwear easily ripped off and pushed aside. She can feel his breath at her entrance. In the next moment, his tongue is swirling at her clit. Fingers inside her. Pushing and pulling in a pleasurable rhythmic pattern. Loud moans indicating her climax, he stops. Kisses the inside of her thighs.

He looks up at her, and there she is. The magnificent creature shooting daggers at him.

Fingers back inside. Thumbs rubbing circles. Soft wet kisses on her belly. Mark leaving bites inside her thighs. He feels her pulsating around his fingers. Back arched and breathless moans. He knew where she was, and he wasn't planning to stop.

Before he could restart. She was up. Their dark lustful eyes meeting. He knew he wasn't going to be able to command anything.

She stood up. Pushed him down the bed. Got on top of him. Led him inside her. Both groaning in pleasure, feeling the warmth inside.

Every movement from her hips was electrifying a thousand neurons in his mind. Up. Down. Up. Down. Whispers in his ear "there is so much you don't know about me."

Pleasured groans. He wanted to find out what else there was to know about her. He could feel her tightening around him. In one swoop motion, he was on top. Harder. Faster. Breathless. Perspiring.

Both their names yelled out at the same moment. Breathless.

"stay. please." This time it was him.

She morphs into his body.

---------

"Good morning my Tae-ra byte. Stay. I ordered breakfast." There he is with that godforsaken smirk.

"Excuse you. I am Jeong Tae-ra. You do not tell me what to do."

Suddenly, the same thought: I'm home.

[malafight]

hi im so sorry but i wanted to ask for help if u feel up to it. basically ive done next to no schoolwork (bare bare min) since we went on quarantine 4-5 weeks ago and i just missed two deadlines for big things and i still haven't done those assignments and i keep missing the online classes and i can't seem to make myself work and i feel terrified and awful and also like i have to hide it from my friends and therapist despite my anxiety and depression. what do i do? (again im so sorry. ty & ily)

hey, sorry it’s taken a bit to respond to this; i spent today recovering from a massive panic attack myself and probably wouldn’t have been able to provide good enough advice at the time. but i’m here now!

first of all, you’re not alone. you’re far from the only one terrified right now. and it’s okay to be terrified. you don’t have to apologize for your feelings or for asking for help -- i’m always willing to provide whatever advice i can, and hunt down things that might help when my experience hasn’t given me a good enough answer. we’re all doing our best out here right now, even if your brain is telling you you aren’t doing enough. you’re trying to survive, right now, and that is enough. it’s all most of us can do at this point. don’t let yourself feel bad for being afraid; we all are. don’t beat yourself up for not doing more, for yourself or for other people; you can’t pour from an empty cup. you don’t have to do anything but survive, right now. i give you permission to just focus on keeping yourself together as best you can, okay? it’s a tough time, but you’re not alone.

now for the actual school-related stuff. i know most people would tell you to be professional when communicating with professors, but now is not the time for your instructors to see you as an automaton. i’ve found that being genuine, honest, and polite helps humanize you to a professor who may only know you by your name in their system. i’ll preface this with the fact that it doesn’t always work, because sometimes teachers lack basic empathy, but it’s much easier on you, even, to be honest from the get-go.

now is not the time to put on a brave face. the world is hideously, pants-shittingly terrifying right now, and if people don’t know you need help, they can’t help you. some folks have the spoons or money to spare; folks like me have words and the Mom Friend Override. for some, being able to help others makes it easier for them to cope themselves. if you can’t bring yourself to reach out and look for support for yourself, remember that humans are a social species -- we need each other. so reach out and let your friends know that you’re scared. they’re scared, too. feeling afraid sucks, but feeling afraid and alone is even worse. you know the saying “misery loves company,” right? don’t look at it as a negative right now. think of it as instructions to seek out companionship and understanding in times of trouble. misery loves company. go find some company.

(also, tell your therapist -- what’s the use of having one if you don’t open up to them? you can’t treat an illness if your patient isn’t keeping you updated on the symptoms. if you had an injured leg, and suddenly it started inexplicably hurting even worse than before, you’d tell your doctor, right? same goes for mental health. please talk to your therapist. i’m not certified or even trained in this sort of thing, just someone who’s been fighting for decades with a brain that doesn’t work right in a world trying to kick my ass at every turn. there are things a therapist can help you with that i don’t have the resources for. use what you have at your fingertips! trust me, your therapist is hearing all about covid right now, and they won’t judge you for being scared.)

i also want to say that it takes a lot of courage to reach out for help like this, and i’m proud of you. i can tell that you’re doing your best. and i know how much it sucks to feel like your best isn’t enough. everything is awful and stressful, but we need to reach out to each other, if only to huddle under a blanket together to avoid the storm roaring outside.

i’ll provide here what i hope will be a useful template for asking your instructors for help with this situation. i know emailing them is even more terrifying, but you can’t get help from someone who doesn’t know you need it.

also, i suggest you edit the template a bit to fit your situation. in situations like these it is so, so important to humanize yourself to them.

(email template below)

[Instructor Name],

This is [name] from your [course] course. I know we haven’t been in contact much over the semester, but I need to ask for your help.

I’m sure by now you’ve noticed that my performance in class has started to slip, and I want to let you know that it is not because of your failure as an instructor, and it’s not meant in any disrespect. I’ve been enjoying your course so far, but with the current Coronavirus situation, it’s getting harder and harder for me to even function on a normal, human level. [provide some detail here about your mental state, ie: I’m freaking out, I’m stressed and terrified, and I feel like I’m falling apart, and that things are awful and hopeless. use your own words, preferably, but be honest.]

I hate bringing this sort of thing up, but [I’m mentally ill, I have depression and anxiety, I have a disability, basically explain your particular situation] and it’s making an already-terrifying worldwide disaster even harder to process and cope with. [give some example of how it’s harder for you to function -- your partner has to remind you to eat, it took a spatula to even get you out of bed, you keep losing track of the time to panic and find entire days gone with no memory of doing anything but freaking out, etc]

I promise I’m doing my best in your course, and I want to be able to complete it successfully, but I’m afraid I might fail under these present conditions. Is there any sort of help you can provide for me, like an extension on assignment due dates? I’m not trying to get out of doing my work, but under this much stress and fear, it’s getting harder and harder to focus on completing my assignments. Any sort of assistance you can provide would be helpful.

[you can also ask here if there are any resources the school can provide you in this situation. even if you look up resources on your own, your instructor may know about some things you haven’t found yet]

I know you’re probably scared, too, and I want to thank you for any help you’re able to give me.

Stay healthy,

[your name]

please keep holding on. we’re in for a long ride, and we can’t do it alone. humanity’s strength is its humanity. empathy, sympathy, compassion -- we need each other. don’t be afraid to reach out, because i guarantee you, there will be someone out there reaching right back to you

thank u for attending my anime power of friendship speech. please stay safe and healthy out there. we can get through this together.

[forineffablereasons]

my mom called me tonight and i told her i'd been looking at grandma's house, and all the things that had changed. she couldn't remember the diamond carpet, but my dad did. she remembered everything else. we talked for a long time about things i remembered - the kaleidoscope wands, the places she kept her decks of cards, the night "candles" that lit up when you picked them up. thanksgiving dinner in her unfinished basement, because that was the only room anyone had big enough to fit a table for fifteen. her orange toile wallpaper.

we talked too about what i remembered about my great grandad, who passed when i was barely three. "he loved to take you for walks," my mom said, and that was what i remembered. he would hold my hand in his and we would go walking. he would take me to his sister's house, three doors down. she had a cuckoo clock. i don't remember his voice, or his face even much, but i remember the feeling of his papersoft hand in mine. my hands must have been so little. "he loved to take you for walks," my mom kept saying, and it brought us both to tears that this is what we both remembered. she remembered that he loved me. i remembered being loved.

we have talked a lot about how grateful we are that grandma passed before covid, and how hard that feeling is to carry in our chests. she had alzheimers, and she would not have understood. she would have been alone, there in her nursing home, and she would not have known why. there were always so many people there with her. when she was dying, she would get so mad that there were so many people around, "will you all be quiet!" and i will admit we laughed, and told her this was the price she paid for being so loved. after, her children buried her in her pajamas, underneath her favorite blanket, so she would be warm in the ground. i bought her that blanket from a hallmark store one year for her birthday. it was blue, and soft, and yes, it was warm. that is how love keeps you.

before grandma declined, i talked to my mom maybe once a week. but when it was happening, she called me everyday with an update: whether today had been the day. it took a month and a half. that was three years ago. i have talked to my mom every day since. i think about that sometimes, about how losing grandma gave me back my relationship with my mom. i see grandma in her eyes sometimes. blue eyes.

there really isn't a point to this. sometimes grief is just like that: it catches you by surprise. it lives in a house you haven't seen in twenty years. it lives in a wallpaper, a carpet, a coffee table. it's hard, but i want to hold it close, this grief. cup it in my hands like silver fishes. like the way she laughed. the way her eyes would catch you, and you would know what she thought.

grief is just love with no where to go, and i am still so full with love. i still think it's keeping her warm.

i went and looked up my great-gran’s old house, since we’re talking about places and history. it’s been at least 20 years since i’ve been there, but i still knew the way. took me less than ten minutes on google maps to find the right house, and i could still see the pictures from the most recent sale on zillow.

of course, many things have changed in the 20-odd years since my gran lived there. back then, the living room was painted white and there was carpeting in the bathroom. the kitchen used to have bright orange toile wallpaper. i still love orange in kitchens. now all of that has been removed, painted over, changed.

but the carpet in the bedroom is still the same. sculpted carpet in a diamond pattern; i can remember how it felt on my feet. and the laundry downstairs is still painted a bright pink.

my great gran has been gone for a few years now, but there are still pieces of her in the world. the world still remembers that she was here.