#i haven't been the same ever since la grotta aired

[alamanyar]

marti and nico are both soft, we all know that.

this one is for nico though.♡

i want to talk about nico’s softness for once. it has touched me tremendously. while he’s full of energy and ideas, he carries this emotional strength inside of him that i find inspiring.

there are  characters i love and admire for their badassness, for their   confidence, and for their determination. and when i see softness under   all these attributes, you can bet your ass that i won’t shut up about   it. especially, when softness is ultimately the prominent attribute a character is made of. sometimes i think softness is underrated, when in  reality, it’s one of the most badass attributes in the world (in my humble opinion).

it starts right from the beginning. first look at  nico and he just stands there talking to some guy outside of school and then greeting sana. sure, we see him from afar through marti's eyes,  but he looks like the softest bean, ever smiling while talking. nico has the most genuine smile. that’s how we meet him.

his first words to marti though? “why did you stop?” and that look.  you can see he’s flustered, because he’s talking to this boy he already is so keen on!! (my headcanon is that he didn’t stare back at marti outside of school (i guess he didn’t see him. who knows) nor during the   radio meeting, cause nico wears his heart on his sleeve, alright? just   re-watch niccolò [for instance]. marti is oblivious sometimes).  anyway. during the whole talk he’s happy, so soft, like he’s begging  for attention in the most adorable way: being cute with the boy who got his  attention immediately. and then they talk on the terrace where he  hopes they can be alone for a while and they are, and nico asks  questions, carefully checks out marti. he glances at marti every now  and then even when emma arrives and he’s all flustered again when they  sit in silence, the three of them. head down, head up *look* *blushes*  head down again. touching his hands nervously, tapping his feet to an  imaginary beat.

when he sees marti on the bus, he stands up at once. ‘wahh, there’s this cute boy again i can’t stop thinking about. quick, talk to him. be suave.’ and he is, but he’s also shy. alas.

of course he’ll help out marti and “lend” him some weed.

he  draws skulls, but also giraffes and i see softness there, too. he crafts his own things. little experiments. he has brushes and drawing utensils all over his room. there's an ukulele on his shelf. and just outside of his room, there's a piano waiting for him. i imagine him playing the softest tunes (some celtic music?) even when he's upset. maybe. but what stands out is that he’s artsy. his room looks soft, too.  light yellow curtains, pastel-ish walls and wooden furniture.

he  cooks carbonara for them and it’s a disaster, but hey, he’s already so soft for   marti, he’s gotta try, alright? and when he tells marti he put honey in the pasta while he was on his phone... well, even though he's obviously  jealous here, he's soft. his little shake of the head? a puppy who was  denied attention.

he’s soft when he touches his lip after he gives the headphones back. hey babe, seems like the guys don’t know what’s up. it’s okay. i’m saving your ass with a white lie, no biggie. call me maybe?

during  sylvia’s party he’s hurting on the couch when marti and emma leave to  dance. re-watch the scene and look how soft he still is while hurting!!  nervously playing with his fingers again, looking defeated. it hurts  me. because after he lashed out (at emma and said some dumb stuff to marti), he tries to gather himself on the couch. he’s introverted, but he tries, okay!!

the infamous pinky touch, yeah. of course. he gazes at marti softly after his joke while marti starts gazing at the night sky. and then he extends his pinky. his ringfinger trembles. have   mercy. and when marti looks at him, nico looks at their hands, as if to  say: this is real, alright? i’m gonna make a move right now, you   can’t stop me. but i’m also asking for permission with this gesture, okay??? he wears an earnest look on his face when he moves in. marti smiles and then, nico smiles, too. soft boyfriends in the making.

“why not? we can go together if you want?” (...) “okAy?“ “okay.” “OKAY!!”

well,  during the talk with the girls on halloween, nico is moping. softly. he’s also hurting after maddalena berates him on the drinking. but when  the girls are gone, he’s back on his soft ass, pointing out that his   and marti’s glasses are in the same position. nope, i didn’t make that   up.

[while i never like it when people ditch people (or try to   kiss ‘em) in order to go for someone else, i have forgiven nico. i have forgiven them both. nico was already so soft for marti and when i look at the outcome of this/their story, when i look at how things  turned out, i’m certain it was inevitable. and because i am soft for their   love, i am able to forgive them.]

let’s carry on.

i find   nico’s suggestion to go to his place and take his bike for a ride   soft?? excuse me, what a wonderful idea! and while they’re driving he   looks content. bless. i’m thinking he really loves his bike. (does he   take his bike for a ride on a regular basis?) when they arrive at their location, he takes his time to park it thoroughly, i mean.

his "undress, or you won’t have a chance at beating me" it’s soft. especially the way he says “undress.” his voice is like an octave higher, but it’s not shrill. it’s calm and steady.

he’s soft when he’s challenging marti “ah-ah”

he’s soft when he starts tickling marti underwater, never losing his smile.

he’s soft when he keeps his promise that he won’t touch marti this time and then instantly grasps marti’s head when he’s being kissed.

he’s   soft when they lose themselves in their kiss and he holds marti’s   ellbow and then supports him when he pushes for the surface.

when they wake up in his bed, he’s gazing at marti, embracing him carefully like he’s fragile goods. waking him up with a sweet kiss. nuzzling his nose. bringing them breakfast. tracing a coffe heart on his arm.   goddamn.

and when we witness his vulnerability, it’s so palpable. he lets us see. he lets marti see. he’s open and soft and i just want   to wrap him in a blanket and give him a hot beverage, telling him   everything’s okay. it’s okay being soft, it’s okay being vulnerable.   here, have a cookie, too. take care of yourself, you soft, soft soul.

he's  so very soft, because he hangs up a red thread of fate for marti to   follow. he already left, but he makes sure that marti will wake up with a smile at least, leaving him little notes to read. he tells marti how cute he  looked sleeping. ufff. he tells marti to have breakfast. he wants to  take care of marti even though he can't be there with him when he wakes  up.

he nervously plays with his hands (again) when marti arrives  for their secret meeting. i love that detail, but it also makes me  sad. i think he’s soft when he notices marti’s upset that he didn’t  text earlier and he tries to make it up. he reaches out with caution,  touches him on the shoulder, showing his affection while saying sorry.

“i want to be with you. don’t you want to be with me?” he whispers, especially the question. goosebumps. he’s so gentle here. and brave. because his display of vulnerability   is out in the open. he wants to go all in, even if that could mean to   be rejected. nico fears rejection.

something that touched me deeply is when he realizes  what marti’s words could possibly mean. he doesn’t get angry. no, he just continues listening and even though a part of him shatters into tiny pieces right there in the school bathroom of the second floor, he doesn’t let it show. he smiles at marti and goes in for a kiss. a good-bye kiss if you want. look at his eyes and tell me you didn’t feel   his pain. his eyes say so much in this scene, it fucks me up. i have trouble breathing watching it. eff you, rocco. this scene belongs to you  entirely.

and then they leave the bathroom giggling and he  kisses marti’s neck. even though marti hurt him to the bone with his  words, he doesn’t want to leave (him) in anger.

he’s soft when  he meets marti after his recording for the radio. he pretends  everything’s alright, but we all know it isnt. marti can’t see it, but  we can. nico makes a joke, tries to get his attention, tries to  apologize, tries to make him see how much he misses him. i’m very  sorry, okay? please believe me!? we could go up to the terrace again  some time. maybe i'm brave enough to explain myself. but marti’s  wrapped up in his own hurt (understandable) and he doesn’t see. nico  tries so hard to reach out, but it just wouldn’t work.

he’s a  soft soul when he hides a strip cartoon on post-its (how long did he  work on that?) in nico’s backpack, asking him to hold on for him, look  out for him, because he’s trying to figure it all out. he’s a soft soul  when he hides the antidote in marti’s dictionary, telling him that he  misses him. “davvero.” and that he understands that he’s not easy to handle, but that he’s working on it. just wait for me a little longer, please?, he asks him and hopes that marti will hear him after he didn’t see how sorry he was at the radio. maybe words will get through to him.

he’s  soft when he takes marti’s words to heart and works on figuring out   how to talk to him. how to get to him. cause marti’s in bracciano. he’s all soft when he’s standing in front of him when they finally reunite. he smiles shyly and looks down at his feet.

while he’s set on   making marti understand how real this all is for him as well, and   basically ravishes him, he’s also soft, cause he’s a man on a mission.   he drove to bracciano, because that’s where marti was and he had to see him. he had to make him see. just that.

[still, because i bet the words marti uttered in the bathroom of the shool building lingered in his mind].

he’s  soft when they wake up the next morning and it’s marti asleep on his   chest. he’s soft when he tries to make him understand that it isn’t easy  to leave a relationship like he has/had with maddalena. that he wants   to figure out by himself what he feels and duh, isn’t it obvious, amore mio? you know what i feel, don’t play hard to get. but it’s okay,   i’ll serenade you anyway. i sing to you while planting little kisses on  your lips and face, and grazing my thumbs over your cheeks. i’m  holding you like this, because you mean so much to me and i don’t want  to lose you again. do you understand?

he feels sorry that  the boys haven't had a comfortable night while him and marti where  sharing a bed. so of course he proposes to take them out for breakfast.  it's the least he can do.

he’s soft when he’s thrilled that  marti’s about to meet his mom. he’s soft when he apoligizes later,  because that didn’t go so well. he’s soft when he asks for him to wait  outside of school so  they can walk in together. he covers marti's eyes  and asks him "who am i?" he'd love a kiss, but marti's not  ready for pda. that's okay though, he'll wait. he’s soft even when he’s hyper  and wants to escape the real world. after all, he wants to escape  together with martino. only with him.

he’s soft when he kisses  him on the cheek when they take a selfie on the train. he happily  shares little kisses and smiles here and there in the streets of milano  and on the balcony of their rented apartement. he’s cheeky, but also  soft when he steals a kiss from marti in front of the red neon light.  and he’s so very soft when he kisses marti’s heart. when they're  standing with naked torsi in front of each other, he kisses marti's  heart. just like that. he's soft when he shows marti his utter happiness during the red scene of love. always smiling, breathing him in. he  gently asks marti if he can take that last piece of sushi. and right before he runs off into the cold night, he looks at marti with this broken look, but he says “it’s only you and me.“ he always thinks about marti. even in a moment like that.

he’s  soft because it probably took him hours to draw a giraffe on his   mobile phone from the last century. he softly tells marti that his   heart isn’t the one betraying his feelings. it’s his brain. he tries to make marti understand that, even though he must have felt ashamed.   he’s soft, because he still keeps reaching out to him.

he softly   underlines this statement by telling him that he’s on the terrace where they more or less met and that he’s thinking of him. that he’s fallen   in love with him, but that he doubts that marti will believe him. he’s   so very open and soft and brave in that moment. he really is. and he   stays there for what? yes, he stays there for hours thinking about   marti. because he knows he’s in one of those shining lights he can see   from up there. i imagine that makes him a bit less sad.

and when   marti finally understands and reaches the terrace, he does not hide his vulnerability. it’s not as if he is able to. nico can’t quite grasp   that marti really came for him. but marti’s answers with his own piece   of softness and so he lets himself fall into his embrace.

he’s vulnerable when he struggles with marti’s devotion to make him feel better.  he’s brave when he lets marti in and he lets himself be soft with him  even though he’s not feeling well. he would never turn down marti's  kisses on the nose. because he's soft for marti and marti deserves soft  kisses on the nose, too.

he’s soft when he asks how marti’s exams went. his exhaustion doesn’t stop him from thinking about marti’s life.

he’s  soft in his braveness. he will kiss marti good-bye. he doesn’t care where. he doesn’t care who could see. all he wants his a good-bye kiss and a promise to talk later.

he’s soft when he comes up with an idea how to help the boys. he’s soft when he tells luchì that he could still be the first one to talk to sofi. he gazes at marti when the boys  leave the kitchen. heart eyes at its finest.

he’s soft when he tells marti that his mother wants to meet him again. that she’s sorry. maybe that’s even a metaphor for him still being sorry for everything he’s put marti through, so he thinks. he cautiously checks if marti’s sure “si?” you’ll come over tomorrow to meet my mom? you sure?

he gives the softest panettone flavoured kisses. they both do.

he’s soft for marti taking care of him. it’s all in his eyes. in his body language.

he softly admits defeat when marti tells him he’ll flush down the weed. because marti knows it’s not good for him. and in the end, he appreciates   it.

he fell hard for marti when they talked in the radio booth  for the first time, separated by glass. and now, that they both got rid  of that barrier together, he falls even harder for marti with every  day, because marti wants to be with him no matter what (happend in the  past).

so, imagine, if nico hadn’t be soft on so many occasions.  imagine. would marti x nico have overcome their misunderstandings,  their [own] barriers? would they be together now?

nico could have  just let marti go after they talked in the school bathroom. but he was  already so far gone for marti, he held on to the hope that marti didn’t  really mean what he said. if nico just showed him how much he cared  for him and that his mental illness didn’t hinder his love for him,  that it was all real for him, one day marti could love him, too, no?

who  would have blamed him, if nico hadn’t tried again with marti after this?  but he did. for deep inside of him, there lingers a softness that asks  him to try again. with marti. with life in general. he could give up so  easily, and maybe he thought about dismissing his emotions and turning  cold in the process, but he tries and tries and tries. nico doesn’t  give up, he always tries again. it touched me deeply.

season two  was about martino, and i have so much love for his character in my  heart, i could write endless essays about it. but nico? if marti is  soft, so is he. it was all there in the open for us to see. it was in  the little moments and details, in the silly moments and in the ‘grand  gestures.’ nico’s softness was visible, but it was so very palpabale,  too; i swear i could feel it in my own bones when i followed him on  screen. and i’m so incredibly glad, that in spite of all those  struggles, i could witness him grow bit by bit, reaching acceptance  step by step.

so, in conclusion:

being soft is not a  weakness, on the contrary, it’s brave being soft. it's brave being  gentle and open. and it's brave trying to continue being soft even when  things look bad. especially then.

nico embodies that to the bone. and for that he has my ♡

i  wish there were more people in the world who also carry softness in their heart besides their strength like nico. perhaps i haven’t paid enough attention in the last months. i know those people are out there.  they have always been existing. and they will continue to. i know that.  so perhaps this hasn’t been a wake-up call on a personal level, but  more of a reminder. i can say this now with conviction after seaosn two   ended, i know i needed it. it evoked a lot of memories, feelings, and   well, hopes. i have seen a little bit of nico in myself. i hope i can rediscover my own softness. and i hope i can be as brave as nico one day, as brave as all the nicos in the world. i see you. even more clearly now and you all have my ♡ truly