#i haven't actually played her longer than to get to a point i could save so idk if i'm gonna favour two handed or sword and board for her

[stormlit]

peridot "peri" ingellvar. dwarf, mourn watch, warrior (reaper). aged 24. doing her best to remain bright and optimistic in the face of the literal end of the world.

(fuller info behind the cut for length)

found as an infant in the ingellvar family tomb in the grand necropolis, peri was named by the spirits and ancestors who immediately decided this abandoned baby was theirs and therefore a ward of the mourn watch; they wanted to give her a name that would connect her to the stone, to the people of her heritage, but there was a lot of bickering about which gemstone would be most appropriate. it was only when a necromancer discovered the green coloured pendant hidden in her swaddle as some kind of payment for the child that peridot was settled upon, deemed appropriate for its use in warding against fear and nightmares and helping one find one's destiny. (the necklace was not, of course, used to pay for her care; peri still wears it as an adult.)

peri dreamed of being a necromancer like her caretakers when she grew up, but she's a dwarf and can't do magic; instead she settled for learning to fight so that she might be a protector of the necropolis she loved and its residents, living and undead. she's not particularly book smart, she prefers action and learning with her hands rather than caution and research. she has also been learning how to enchant, so that she might help the watchers in that way, and still feel connected to magic and lyrium in a way they cannot be.

the mourn watch is her home and her family and being asked to be somewhere else for a while broke her heart. she could always be heard singing through the hallways and chatting to the spirits and skeletal workers that resided there. she's a ray of sunshine in the house of the dead, and is desperately clinging onto that optimism to get her through the events of the game. with bloody fingernails, sometimes. there are many, many things in this world peri is afraid of, but death isn't one of them. outside the grand necropolis it may seem a little morbid, but she finds comfort in the way she was raised.

she's never been particularly curious about her birth parents, and never had just one watcher she considers a parental figure above all others, but has been raised somewhat communally by the living and the dead alike.

[reiderwriter]

Okay but, flirty reader majority pointed at Reid, and the scene where he has to get hosed down and says "I'mma bout to get naked, I don't think you wanna see that" and reader's just like raising her hand and says "don't worry I'll stay". And after she walks out to go to the hospital and sees everyone and with an open mouth and wide eyes just goes " woah" cause big dick energy

A/N: Hi, thank you so much for your request! I've been a bit sick lately, so I haven't had a chance to write much, but this was fun and quick to write! I might do a part 2 with the actual smut in the future, so if that's something people would want let me know in the comments!!

Warnings: suggestive content, public dirty talk?

“I really want to see that.” 

You heard the words but weren't sure where they'd come from for the longest time. It had been a confusing morning, with a high alert for anthrax and your coworker trapping himself inside a contaminated lab to save you from dying a presumably very painful death, you couldn't be blamed for not realizing that you'd said the words in question. 

He'd meant the words sarcastically, of course, and they'd warned Morgan off immediately with a chuckle and a “You better survive this, kid,” but you'd stood rooted to the earth until he'd repeated them again. 

“Y/N, they're going to strip me down. You don't want to see that.” 

“I really do, though.” Your eyes unabashedly trailed down the contours of his body, soaked from the hoses currently decontaminating him. You could've sworn that he was moving in slow motion as his hand pushed back his hair and cleared his face of water. 

If there weren't this many CDC agents around, you'd have likely joined him in his impromptu shower to feel your way along the lines of his clothing, checking to see what was outline and what was the thick layers of shirt and pants that unfortunately still obstructed your view. 

Another minute of you ogling him went by before your eyes finally returned to anywhere near his, and you realized that your desire for the man could no longer pass for camaraderie. 

“You better not die, Spencer. Not before I can enjoy the meal I'm about to sample.” 

His doctors were either ignoring the conversation completely or were busy focusing on other things, and luckily, they didn't react to your words. Other than to take Spencer's temperature one more time when he flushed bright red, and stared at you slack-jawed. 

“We're going to have to speed this along, Doctor Reid. Please start unbuttoning your shirt,” one of the hazmatted men said to him, but his eyes were fixed on you. 

“Yes, please do, Spencer. It's for your own good. And mine.” 

You expected him to blush and fawn again, but his day had been as long and confusing as your own, so you were unsurprised when he looked you directly in the eye and began unbuttoning his shirt. You watched his descent, and your breath faltered, seeing the water drip down his bare skin now. 

“I'm not sure which of us is wetter right now,” you tried to joke in earnest, but you felt a sharp jolt of lust in your gut as soon as his hands reached his belt. 

“Y/N, you need to leave now. Before you make this any harder for everyone here.” The innuendo in his words were clear, but you were thankful again for the considerate and/or oblivious doctors either side of him bagging up his discarded shirt and jacket. 

“Only if you promise I can make your life as hard as I want to when you're in the clear.” You smiled again, hoping the full force of your lust would reach him. Spencer was always oblivious to genuine flirtation, you'd observed enough women throwing themselves on him (had discouraged a few too many with a hand on his arm and a finger playing with the abandoned curls at the back of his neck, too) to know that for sure. 

You needed to make your need for him explicit. 

“I mean it, Spencer. I really mean it.” 

His eyes locked with yours for the last time ad you made to turn around, doing your best to convince him without becoming distractedly horny. 

“I know. I'll see you at the hospital.” 

“At the hospital? Risky, I like it.” You winked and turned away, leaving him calling back after you as you walked over to the car Derek had pulled around the front of the property. 

“Wait, not the hospital! Those beds aren’t comfortable. Y/N! Y/N, really!” 

You giggled as you sat down in the car, but you bubbled with anticipation still. 

[theheroheart]

Rogue got delivered a day early.

Gonna put a whole bunch of quotes and observations and things under the cut, very Rogue focused.

SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY.

Also I will say, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE buy this book, it absolutely deserves it, I adored it. It was wonderful and gave us SO MUCH.

Rogue's former partner is a he, and he's Rogue's boyfriend. His name is Art, which is indeed short for Artificer (reference to D&D). And Art is confirmed dead at this point, and has been for 5 years. Rogue and Art were together for 10 years.

Rogue jumps off a building at some point, knowing Art will save him.

Art was tall with shoulder-length curly hair and wore a sleek purple tunic, rolled up at the sleeves. On top of this was a metallic chest-piece that crackled with electrical energy. On his head he wore a pair of steampunk goggles that complemented his hazel eyes. As he pulled on the net, a long grey scar could be seen on his arm, a memory from a battle lost years before. As the net neared the ship, Rogue smiled up apologetically at Art. But judging by the icy look he got back, well - he couldn't smile his way out of this one.

Rogue doesn't like parties. Partly because he prefers "a good night in". (Though Rogue cannot cook, lmao.) And partly because while "watching the wealthy gorge themselves" he knew "most of the population was living in abject poverty." Rogue says eat the rich.

It was an odd feeling to think that nights like that wouldn't be on the cards for Rogue and hadn't been in fact for a long time. It's strange, the shape time takes when you lose someone. One morning they are next to you, on their pillow, and the next morning you realise they haven't been sleeping there for nearly five years. The five years had gone by slowly and quickly, all at once, Rogue's bounties all blending into one another. It wasn't that Rogue hadn't continued to live, or even to love a little bit. But when you felt you'd lived through the main event of your life, everything else - that extra bit of life you found yourself wandering through - was a bit like an epilogue. Rogue would walk the ship, each night, inspecting every weathered part. A fading heartbeat of a life once lived. He could no longer think about that day. That time. He felt more ghost than man at this point. That was why it was so surprising when Rogue gazed down at the ballroom below and suddenly found himself transfixed. There was a man in the middle of that dancefloor. A gorgeous man. But this wasn't just shallow attraction. There was an energy to the man. An unfiltered joy. Something Rogue instantly knew he wanted to be close to.

There's minor dialogue changes, as there usually are.

'You know, I can help you,' the man went on. 'Trouble, I am good at.' It was then that Rogue emotionally left his body and starting panicking a good 50 feet above the scene playout out below. Was this man handsome? Yes. Was there a bit of chemistry here? Yes. Did the man smell surprisingly nice for someone from 1813? Absolutely.

Instead of going outside, Rogue and the Doctor get punch and actually chat together.

Rogue recognised her as the woman the Doctor had been spinning joyfully across the dancefloor. "You okay?" the Doctor said, concerned. "Yeah. Just, avoiding engagement." She noticed Rogue. "So you found a scandal, then?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her as if to say - you behave! - but she just laughed and rushed off down a corridor. Rogue watched it all play out, intrigued. So his dance partner does know him then. But how well? The Doctor turned back and looked into Rogue's eyes, apparently noticing his puzzled expression. "Don't trouble yourself, love; she won't need me till there's screaming, or smoke, or both. Or Goblins. Right now, I'm all yours." Rogue nodded. Okay, Goblins - interesting - but the Doctor could just be a fan of fairytales.

Rogue imagines conversations with Art sometimes, and in this case, Art is encouraging Rogue to flirt with the Doctor. "The fantastical joy of dead boyfriend imagination theatre."

Usually, the imaginary conversations Rogue had with him were when he was alone in the ship but in moments of crisis sometimes, he would imagine him, a life raft in a sea of social interaction nightmares. "Would you let go, for a second. Flirt back. Ask him about his favourite paintings, the wonders of the universe." Rogue looked at Art. "He's from 1813." Art laughed. "Okay, well ask him about the wonders of lawn bowls then, who cares." Rogue sighed. "It was always so easy with you. Why can't it be easy with anyone else?" Art gave him a knowing smile. "You gotta be willing to let it be easy." He gestured back to the Doctor. "Now, come on, you can't just bat your pretty eyes at him." Rogue looked at Art and batted his eyes. "Oh, I absolutely can." "What are you blinking at?" the Doctor asked, intrigued, and Rogue found himself snapped out of his daydream and back into reality. Rogue apologised. "Sorry. A ghost."

The Doctor continued to sip. "You know, I think it's kiwi. No, they aren't here for another century. So what are the green bits?" Immediately, Rogue let go of his fleeting feelings of enjoyment and replaced them with cold resolve. How could the Doctor know something like that? He talked about the present and future like they were all the same to him. No, Rogue had found his bounty and it was time to get back to work. The manor was too busy, too full of guests. He needed a safer place to capture him. Somewhere he could get him alone. "Why don't we continue this conversation in the garden?" Rogue said, a flicker of mischievousness in his eyes. The Doctor laughed. "Fast mover, let's go."

The dialogue confirms again and again that they are SO FUCKING THIRSTY FOR EACH OTHER THE ENTIRE TIME. Besties, please.

He looked back at Rogue, walking, brooding (of course), and had to remind himself that this was an interrogation, not a date. "I love these old skies. Ripe with constellations being found and named." He gestured above, pointing out his favourite constellations. "The bear, the ram ... the poop-deck." "The romance of the night sky," Rogue replied sardonically as he gave the Doctor an oh really look. That stare of his. The Doctor laughed. "Don't blame me! De Lacaille chose them! Great astronomer, bad with names." Then he smiled cheekily. "But if it's romance you're after? He also named those stars there the pump, the chisel, and Norma." Okay, he was flirting now. Ruby would be furious with him if this silly side quest was what got him killed. "Not what I'm after," replied Rogue, his tone back to matter-of-fact but his face blushing a little.

Rogue made the gun himself!

"Keep moving," Rogue replied languidly. Another day at the office for this guy. The Doctor turned his head back to check on the glowing chamber of the blaster. "Is that a glo-stick?" He knew he had said something good because he got the biggest reaction from Rogue yet, hearing him grunt then look immediately offended. "Glo-stick? I made this!" Rogue bit back. Okay, we have an ego here and apparently an inventor, thought the Doctor. That's- "Cute," he said, which only spurred on Rogue. "It's not cute, it's a disseminator. It's very complicated." "Like its owner." The Doctor grinned. He figured if he was going to get killed, he might as well enjoy himself.

Their ship is named the Yossarian.

You can tell a lot about a person by the ship they fly in, thought the Doctor. It's home away from home. Which explained why he was shaken by what he say. Granted, he had made some assumptions about Rogue, but this dimly lit and cluttered space was not what he had expected. It was an absolute mishmash of tech, half-made projects, tools and strange-looking things in piles or cages. It looked and smelt like a mechanic's workshop. In the corner was a cockpit for flying, pretty much hidden behind a stack of metal toolboxes and a hammock slung in the corner, he assumed for sleeping but perhaps eating as well? Oh, Rogue, he thought. What happened, love?

The mess aside, the make of the ship did not surprise. It was an old asteroid hawk from the 50-56, often sold on the cheap in many star systems. In anyone's ship was a shed, this was the one. He looked across the console, trying to see if there might be anything useful to help him escape or at the very least steer the conversation towards suggesting Rogue should get a broom. [...] On the console was an Ood translation sphere, plugged into the ship's controls. It would allow Rogue to understand the local languages wherever he travelled, but the Doctor's attention was taken more by the can of unfinished Gurgle balanced dangerously on top. It was a dusty can. Left there a long time ago.

The spaceship scene is very similar, just tiny differences. Although it confirmed that the Doctor has played D&D, specifically with the Paternoster gang, and that Strax played a bard with a beautiful singing voice.

The Doctor also thinks about Fourteen, thinking that he likes him and hopes he's living his best life right now.

Different past selves of the Doctor, different genders and ages, all projected on top of his current form. Right now, standing in the middle of the Yossarian, he was revealing his true heart. His power. His strength. His undeniable wonder. The Doctor looked from the scan back at Rogue, right in the eye. "I am not a Chuldur. I am something much older and far more powerful. I am a Lord of Time from the lost and fallen planet of Gallifrey." He took a deep breath. "Now, let me go, Bounty Hunter. We have work to do." Rogue just started in awe, taking in the Doctor, all of them. "You're beautiful," he said.

And then you get a long lovely flashback to Art and Rogue having a romantic dinner. (And I would just like to say that I 100% called the Artificer thing.)

"You are so stubborn!" Art said, lowering his spoon. "I told you not to put more chilli powder in, yet here we are." Rogue laughed. "Look, I tried really hard to make us this terrible meal." "Now, hold the phone, I did not say this was terrible, I just said you deliberately ignored my advice." "Unwanted advice," Rogue replied. As he took another mouthful, a tear started to form in his eye. The stew was too hot, but he was never going to let Art know that. "I can see you crying," Art said. "There's a literal tear, rolling down your face." Rogue looked at him, faux dramatic. "I'm just feeling really emotional about my chair over there, that you still haven't fixed. Art laughed. "Oh it's your chair now, is it?" Rogue smiled and wiped away the tear he had pretended was not there with his sleeve. He continued to look around the ship, at the home he and Art had made together. Art had built everything on the Yossarian and nearly every gadget Rogue used on the missions. The emphasis on 'nearly' was because Rogue had foolishly attempted to build a few of his own. It was a learning curve for him. A steep one. Where Rogue had charm in spades, Art had a talent for turning a kitchen spoon into a deadly laser ray. He could do anything. The name Art had also come from Dungeons & Dragons, a shared pastime and passion between them both. Art was short for Artificer; this was a class in the game known for their invention and incredible ability to see the full potential in objects, and it suited Art to a tee. Rogue could never pin down exactly when the nicknames had started. Like so many things when you've been with someone for a very long time, it had begun as a cute reference, but then the nicknames just became everyday for them until, eventually, the old names just didn't fit any more. They were just Rogue and Art to each other. And that suited them both fine.

"You know, I could go undercover next time," Art said. "Oh yeah," Rogue said playfully. "Last time we tried that, you gave someone our actual contact details." "We got on! An alias shouldn't prevent an actual friendship." Rogue nodded. He got up, went round the console and put his arms around Art, nuzzling into his shoulder. "I guess it's how I met you," he said, and the pair of them laughed. Art smelt like a warm fire. He was taller than Rogue, only by a bit, but it meant he looked up to him slightly, which was a bit of a novelty for Rogue, who was usually the tallest in the room. He took in Art's face: every line, pore, the stubble, the striking, hazel eyes. Art looked back down at Rogue, and it looked as if he was about to say something deeply profound or romantic. "So, is this your apology for dinner?" Rogue leant in closer. "Oh, never," he murmured.

Oh also, Rogue hadn't meant to give the Doctor that name.

"Does 'not a Lord' have a name?" "Rogue." Immediately, Rogue panicked. It wasn't his actual name - Rogue was the name that Art had given him - but it would do fine. For now. [.....] "You ready for this, Rogue?" It was funny hearing someone else call him that, but his name sounded good being said by the Doctor. Rogue liked it. It fitted.

Also Rogue "immediately recalled a quite complicated winter with Houdini". Apparently him and the Doctor has an ex in common.

They explain what happened to the gun.

"Now, trap, please." Rogue handed it over but immediately regretted doing this so willingly. Sure, this man's ship was brilliant. But the trap, that was his. "And your disseminator?" "Only if you handle it carefully," said Rogue, keeping his eyes locked on the Doctor, worried what the plan could be for his precious creation. The Doctor took it calmly. Then he snapped the disseminator in half. "Hey!" Rogue shouted. "Do you want to save everyone or not? Look, watch me." And Rogue did, as the Doctor moved some parts from the disseminator into Rogue's trap, then attached it to the TARDIS, using cables. Rogue found himself fighting not to remember the hours of work that building the disseminator had taken. He had to let this go. "Okay, past me the hyperdyne link," said the Doctor. "Blue wire, under the switch, there." Rogue did as he was told, eager to see exactly what new monstrosity the Doctor had turned his favourite gadget into. The Doctor grabbed the cable and plugged it into the newly upgraded trap. It sizzled slightly. "I can't believe you broke my stuff!" Rogue complained. The Doctor stopped what he was doing and looked at him, dead serious. "Whatever the Chuldur have done, I can't let you kill them. I also can't let them kill others. So, instead, we'll send them to a random, barren dimension. No one to hurt there and no way back." "Random? So I can't trace them," Rogue protested. The Doctor just nodded as the trap continued to whirr behind them. "Don't pout too much. When we're not trying to kill each other, we're a good team."

"You know, you don't have to stay a bounty hunter. You could travel with me. Oh the worlds I could show you, Rogue." "And what if I like what I do?" Rogue got the feeling that when people met the Doctor, they would often uproot everything for him. Why should that always be the case? Rogue had just as much to offer in adventure.

"I'd like that." Rogue felt that swell in his chest, that nervous energy as he took another step towards him. He was very aware that their faces were almost touching. It would only take one of them to lean in a bit closer, and they were already so close, so close that they could almost-- Ping! The console in the TARDIS chimed. "The trap is ready," the Doctor said, and the moment was gone. He moved back to the console as Rogue stood there, recovering. He could hear the Doctor speaking down at the console, but he barely registered what he was saying. He just nodded, lost. What was he getting himself into?

And then I went ahead and typed up the entire chapter 19, because the whole thing is an imaginary letter from Art to Rogue.

Chapter 19 A Letter to Rogue Dear Rogue It feels silly, writing you this letter, but I hope it finds you. So we're clear too, I don't want this as a Please don't mourn for me or some other such nonsense. Honestly, I am quite irritated that it wasn't you that died... Would I say that? I suppose. Whatever helps your imagination. I know you've likely dreamt up and read this letter many times. I fully understand why; I was good chat. However, if only for your negotiation skills, I hope you've made at least one friend since my passing. Imaginary letters from dead boyfriends can't be your only form of communication. Of course, if the person reading this is his only friend then I gleefully warn you: Rogue is stubborn. He says he will clean that particular corner of the ship, but I promise you he won't. I spent ten years asking and I could have put that time into something actually productive. I could have learned at least five more languages in the time I would have saved. So take my advice. Give in to this reality. Admit defeat. It will never happen. A few other things to note: his snoring can and will wake up the most dangerous animals, and for some reason - despite eating pretty much everything - bread with any kind of seeds or olives in is an absolute no. I agree, it's a real failing on his part. Apart from this, however, what you will find is a great man who I loved with every part of my soul. Please give him a hug from me and do not name a child or dog in my memory when you move in together. A cactus is fine, though. And Rogue, if it is you reading this letter, don't let me worry about you. I did enough of that when I was around and oh, the time I wasted. Don't hide. And please don't go fixing up our ship for ever. I was the mechanic anyway. Live. Talk with everyone. Laugh. Dare to ask someone, 'Is this seat taken?' And, most importantly, don't forget to dance. That's the best part. Yours, Art

So anyway, after that heartbreak, it's back to more action.

"Should we be telling humans?" Rogue asked cautiously, leaning in behind him. The Doctor noticed Ruby's curious expression. "Oh! Ruby 2024 and Emily 1813, this is Rogue, he's a bounty hunter and almost incinerated me." "A mistake he said he was letting go of." Rogue held out his hand to Ruby and Emily, who both went for it at the same time and ended up shaking it together.

"But what does it all mean?" Emily gasped. "Are we all going to die?" The Doctor and Ruby exchanged a look: Who is going to take this? To their surprise, Rogue stepped up. "There's a creature from another planet at this party," he said. "Highly dangerous, it can look like anyone it's killed and if it gets you ---" He looked at her, dead serious. "It'll drain your life in a second." Emily's eyes widened and she hurriedly began to fan herself, presumably as an alternative to fainting. "We need to work on your people skills," the Doctor said as Ruby put her arm around Emily, trying to calm her. "Now, let's find our Duchess!" He looked over at Rogue, exhilarated. This was one hell of a first date.

The Doctor could already feel people starting to turn and whisper but his focus wasn't on that. All he was thinking about was Rogue. Rogue's hand on his shoulder, his chest. Rogue's eyes locked with his as the pair of them turned and twirled across the floor.

"We need to have a big fight so I can storm off alone and draw her to us," the Doctor said, spinning Rogue away from him. "Can't I storm off alone?" said Rogue. "I would rather not talk in front of this many people." "Oh, come on, Rogue," said the Doctor. "I'm sure you talk to lots of people. Your bounties for a start." He gave his hand a little squeeze and whispered, "I believe in you." "Doctor, please!" Rogue protested. He was too late. The Doctor pulled away from him and gasped. "How dare you, my Lord!" he shouted. He was incredibly pleased to hear the music stop immediately, the crowd turning to stare. It was so deliciously dramatic. "You would ask me to give up my title, my fortune -" he chewed up every word, really hamming it up - "but what future can you promise me?" Rogue didn't say a word back. He just looked at him pleadingly and stuttered slightly. "Say anything," the Doctor whispered, then raised his voice again. "Tell me what your heart wants, or I shall turn my back on you for ever." By way of illustration, he literally did turn his back on Rogue. He looked at the crowd, hearing nothing but silence behind him. Then a gasp. The Doctor turned and faced Rogue again, who was now down on one knee. He had pulled off a ring from his finger and was holding it up to him. Rogue was proposing. Fast mover indeed. The Doctor knew this was a moment of fun, for the drama. Despite that, he couldn't stop a jolt of panic. "Sorry... I can't," the Doctor said. He raced out of the ballroom, and Rogue chased after him.

The worlds I could show you. That's what the Doctor had said to him in the TARDIS. A phrase that was playing over and over in his head. Rogue looked over and saw the Doctor, waiting for him, hidden behind a hedge. He felt a rush of excitement as he tried to focus. He'd not been asking the Doctor for marriage, but for some simple commitment. A sign he could stay longer than this one adventure. To see those worlds he'd promised. At least for a little while. Now he couldn't stop wondering how much of their connection was real and how much had been for show.

To escape the Chuldur, Rogue and the Doctor dive into the lake, where Rogue finds the body of the real Lord Barton. He almost panics and has to go back up, but the Doctor takes his hand and calms him down, so they can stay hidden long enough.

They get out of the lake soaking wet, and the Doctor makes a comment about "Ruby was right, this is a bit Mr. Darcy."

Then there's a wonderful additional scene, where Rogue is initially refusing to help because it's too dangerous, and he's too scared after having lost Art.

He had expected one Chuldur, that was the contract. Not a family. He'd counted at least five. These were very bad odds. "I'm not being paid enough for this." "Paid or not, people have died." The Doctor had his sonic screwdriver out and he was fiddling with the waterlogged trap while they walked. Rogue thought he was as focused on fixing machines as Art had been. Annoyingly, both of them had the ability to do that and argue at the same time. "We go back there, we'll die," Rogue insisted. "So you'll just walk away?" Rogue stopped.

Rogue had read about family of Chuldur. One that had destroyed every place it visited, leaving no survivors. In the past, he would have dived headlong into this kind of danger without batting an eyelid. He loved the rush of adrenalin and he had that stubborn will to reach his target, whatever it took. Then he had suffered the cost. The Doctor was wrong. He wouldn't just walk away from all this. He'd run. "There's too many. It's not my problem." Rogue quickened his pace away from the manor and towards the Yossarian. This time, the Doctor did not follow him. He had stopped still, determined not to take another step. Rogue reluctantly stopped too and turned back to face him. "If it's not our problem, whose is it?" The Doctor's voice was cold, angry. "Who do you think will help these people if we don't? You're here. You've seen what they're doing. You are choosing not to care." In the dark garden, Rogue stood defiantly across from the Doctor, his breath shallow and fast. He'd hit a nerve. Rogue had had years of practice at not caring and didn't want to change now. The Doctor was calm in comparison, determined and immovable. Rogue knew that if he chose to walk away now, he would be walking away alone.

Rogue agrees to help, but is still scared and trying to convince the Doctor to leave with him, and WEEHH GUYS.

The Doctor was about to clamber through when Rogue reached for his hand. "Are you sure?" Rogue asked, his voice soft. They were facing beings that had destroyed cities, taken countless lives. How could the two of them stop such creatures? And with one shot? He felt a deep ache in his chest; he couldn't lose someone else. Rogue looked pleadingly at the Doctor. If he gave himself enough time and distance, he could learn to forget his troubles and bury his guilt. He could stop himself from caring. Rogue had done it before. He could do it again. He could show the Doctor how. "We could go anywhere," he said. "I'm going in here," replied the Doctor. Not a waver in his voice, not a second of doubt. Rogue looked into the Doctor's eyes and knew that he would never stop caring. Could never stop wanting to help, to fight, to go on. That was who he was. The Doctor let go of Rogue's hand and climbed in through the window, and Rogue did what he knew he would do for ever. Follow him.

Absolutely unhinged content, thanks Kate and Briony. Rogue wanting to leave makes his ultimate sacrifice SO MUCH MORE INTENSE.

When the Doctor finds out about Ruby, he almost lunges himself at the Chuldur, and Rogue has to pull him back so they can remain hidden.

And then, absolutely heartbreakingly, as the Doctor tries to find some other solution for maybe bringing Ruby back:

He was desperate, and Rogue's silence gave him every answer he didn't want. Rogue slowly opened his arms, and the Doctor fell into them and sobbed. "I'm sorry," Rogue said over and over.

The Doctor absolutely hams his speech up, and there's a minor change as Rogue is there to help him set up the triform trap. (Emily, like a fool, just accidentally walks straight into the trap!)

And then we reach the final sacrifice.

Seven… Rogue didn't want to push him, but they were running out of time. "They'll kill us, then everyone here. They'll destroy this world.' Six… Rogue was next to the Doctor now. He could hear him breathing hard. "And you know that, you absolutely know that." All that torment was wrapped so tight around his chest that Rogue could feel his heaviness, his dread. "So, can you do it? Can you lose your friend to save the world?" Five… The Doctor started to cry. "No." "I know." Rogue smiled at the kind, brilliant, amazing man in front of him. Four… Then he stepped forward and wrapped the Doctor in his arms and kissed him. It was a soft, passionate kiss, full of promise. The moment was tender. Romantic. It was theirs. Three… Rogue stepped back and gave the Doctor one last smile, revealing he had taken the trigger device from him. Then he turned quickly and ran full pelt into the trap. Two… It flicked on and off as the Chuldur tried to scramble to the edges. Emily moved a step towards Ruby, grabbing at her as Rogue barrelled in. He knocked Emily to the trap floor, causing Ruby to be thrown free. Only one shoe left behind. One… Rogue looked down at his feet inside the glowing triangle and back up to the Doctor. He was now trapped with the Chuldur, but he was not afraid. Rogue could not have let the Doctor say goodbye to the person he was closest to. He knew that pain too well to let the Doctor hold it, even for a second. And so he'd known the decision he had to make. He couldn't lose anyone else. But he was ready to be the one who was lost. Zero. "Find me," Rogue said as he pressed send. The patch of triangular floor turned jet black, as the Chuldur started to scream and fall. Rogue caught a last glimpse of the Doctor before he dropped down into the darkness of the Transport Gate. As he fell, his mind had one, clear thought. Worth every second.

The rest goes about as it does in the episode. We don't get the Doctor's immediate reaction to the loss. But as Ruby hugs him, "The Doctor leant into it and let himself feel what he had buried for a moment. Not all of it but just enough to carry on with the day."

And then of course he discovers the ring in his pocket and he puts it on. "A little piece of Rogue to go with him."

And you'd think that would be the end, but there is ONE MORE CHAPTER, which I'm just gonna quote in its entirety, because it's insane, you guys.

Chapter 33 The Forgotten Place A howl in the darkness. The wind growled ferociously around a barren and abandoned planet, far out in the forgotten reaches of space. Giant grey rocks covered the surface. As the wind hit them, charcoal-sand blasted up, creating sandstorms wherever it hit. This was the only movement on the surface and, at first glance, it would have seemed the only sign of life. But if you looked more closely, there was a light. From the mouth of a cave, the bright glow of a campfire burned through the grey. Inside, sat a man. Rogue. He was trying to keep warm. Rogue had been there for what felt like months. The cave had been a saviour, sheltering him from the environment but also from the enemies sent here with him. He had lost them, at least for now. As time passed in the cave, any concept of a day had folded in on itself. Rogue kept his mind busy with the simple tasks of staying alive: build the fire, watch the fire, build the fire again. Rinse, repeat. Thankfully, there was some food to be found on this planet - mainly winged dalnats and other small cave-dwelling creatures. But they were not enough. Rogue knew that if the cold didn't get him, starvation would. What this planet didn't know, however, was that Rogue could not be broken so easily. He had made a promise to himself. He had agreed that he wasn't going to be lost any more. Because Rogue had realised he was worth finding. As the fire began to die, Rogue thought of the man he had come here for. The magnificent being who was beyond any comprehension of existence. The one known to most as the Doctor. Of all the timelines they could both have inhabited, Rogue was grateful that their eyes had met on this one. What a great surprise that had been from the universe. Yes, right now, he was lonely, but time wasn't linear, and this was his favourite thing about it. Rogue was sitting in this cave, but he was also walking with the Doctor in the garden, he was laughing with Art in the Yossarian, he was falling from a building, he was running from one memory of his life to another. All at once. Rogue was in the Doctor's arms, spinning around and around, for ever.

So there it is. Absolutely gorgeous book.

There's a bunch of stuff I didn't include, a bunch of extra stuff about the Chuldur. But also the first adventure with Art, and a bunch of extra minor stuff.

So please please do get the book if you can!

[sapphire-weapon]

I don't know if this is just my perception, but I've noticed that Krauser uses Ashley several times as a way to provoke Leon (especially during their final fight).

In their first encounter, immediately after Leon realizes it was Krauser who kidnapped Ashley, the camera focuses on his angry face and then on his hand about to grab his gun. As if the knowledge that it was Krauser who was to blame for Ashley's kidnapping was Leon's motivation to start fighting back.

Then there's that cinematic where Leon arrives just in time to see Krauser take Ashley away with nothing he can do to stop him. Krauser even walks slower and without bothering to turn to look at Leon, not even when he shouts Ashley's name. In Separate Ways, we see Krauser start running with Ashley in tow as soon as Leon can no longer see them.

After killing Salazar and using the elevator, if we use the rifle to get a closer look at the speedboat, Krauser turns to look at Leon, while Ashley is unconscious in the back seat, almost as if he is challenging him.

During their final fight, Krauser mocks Leon's concern for Ashley, and then tells him that he won't be able to save her, and that's when Leon explodes again.

Krauser taunts again when he tells Leon to hurry up or who knows what could happen to Ashley.

And near the end of the fight, Krauser tells Leon that if he needs motivation, he should think about Ashley.

I think Capcom's intention was to show how deeply Leon cares about Ashley through Krauser. That's why I can't take seriously people who say Leon only cares about Ashley because 'it's his job', it just doesn't fucking make sense, it's like they haven't played the damn game, or just decided to ignore all that.

there's a lot going on here, actually, and it goes deeper than just Ashley herself. Krauser absolutely dangles Ashley over Leon's head, don't get me wrong, because he knows that it's a source of angst and insecurity for him -- but it goes far deeper than just this one woman.

Krauser says at one point that he knows Leon's potential better than anyone -- he knows Leon better than anyone. and he may just be right.

in OG, Krauser asks Leon: "what is it that you fight for, comrade?" to which Leon responds: "my past, I suppose."

now, take that little snippet of a conversation and stretch it out over the course of four years of military training. it's likely that Krauser had to dig deep into Leon's psyche in order to motivate him to perform at his absolute best -- and what's at the center of everything for Leon is what happened in Raccoon City. Krauser likely knows every detail of what happened that night.

and what happened that night was that Leon failed to save the life of a single person.

so, since LeonA is canon in the Remake-verse, let's take a look at the list of people Leon failed to save in Raccoon City:

the cop in the gas station

Officer Elliott

Marvin Branaugh

Ben Bertolucci

Annette Birkin

Ada Wong

I don't know if you're keeping score, but that's... just about every person that Leon meets. the only exceptions to this are Kendo and his daughter (who Leon never attempted to save), Claire (who never needed saving), and...

Sherry, whom Leon then gets kidnapped and held hostage almost as soon as he volunteers to take sole custody of her.

so, when Krauser says to him: "you can't save anyone" he means anyone. the US government sent a man who's never been able to save anyone but himself on a mission alone to rescue the president's daughter. if anyone knew his history and his track record, he likely wouldn't have been the agent assigned to do this.

but the only person who knew it was Krauser, because Krauser's the only one who ever got close enough for Leon to tell. and since Krauser's now a traitor and a terrorist, he uses that knowledge as a cudgel to beat Leon with.

so -- yes, Krauser is purposefully using Ashley as a knife to twist in Leon's heart, and yes, saving her is more than "just doing my job" for him. it's extremely personal for him for many reasons. and as he starts to feel more and more affection for her, this need to save her becomes more and more intense, and it becomes easier and easier for Krauser to weaponize that against him.

and this is just storytelling 101. as the story goes on, the stakes have to rise higher and higher until they reach an absolute crescendo at the climax. and since Leon is so physically capable and very little in RE4make comes off as an actual threat to him, his stakes are mental and emotional in nature. as his feelings for Ashley intensify, so too does his anxiety about being able to save her.

the climax of RE4make's story is the walk to Luis's lab, and by then, Leon's feelings for Ashley have gotten so strong, and his need to save her has become so intense, that he sees her life alone as comparable to all of the people who died in front of him in Raccoon City.

if he can just save her, that would absolve him of his other failures.

that's why the script was written so that Ashley says the actual words to him in the ending.

this is the culmination of Leon's several character arcs in the series so far; it's the payoff for his character development; it's the catharsis for the angst he brings into RE4make with him.

Leon was a man who couldn't save anyone, but he ends RE4make as a hero.

his 21-year-old self would be so proud.

[karin-miyoshi]

Do you think yuyuyu is ableist?

sheesh, talk about a loaded question

definitely opens up a lot of rabbit holes. ill give my opinion, but note im not the most educated on the subject itself so giving a definite answer is outside my scope.

ill put a read below, but for me, i personally think it isnt, but can be easily misinterpreted as is on a surface level.

tldr, ableism is discrimination towards those with disabilities.

the character in question most of the time when it comes to these topics is tougou, who uses a wheelchair in season 1 due to losing function in her legs. there are never any distasteful jokes made about this, and the show constantly shows various handicap friendly services throughout the show. something even more surprising is that these are never the core focus of the scene or pointed out, its always well integrated into the world as if it were normal (important).

just skimming through s1, we have:

wheelchair assistance integration for both cars and stairs

special swim courses for the disabled, not separated from the rest of the class

beach wheelchairs and separate assistants

now while we can assume a lot of these were due to her previous service as washio sumi, i dont think that would really be fair to the production team putting these in, and it really feels like theres a lot more heart than "yeah we put these for the big shock value realization later on". even after regaining function in her legs near the end of the season, tougou's priority was always towards yuuna and her recovery.

onto the next topic, which is the show taking away and then returning these characters functions throughout. whats important to consider here is what is considered tragic, is it the characters living without these certain functions, or is it the act of losing these functions themselves?

"It'll definitely improve. I mean, we haven't done anything wrong." (Fuu, s1ep9) again, no distasteful jokes made about their disabilities, and fuu even plays it off with her sick eyepatch. her worries instead stem from the loss of itsuki's dream, in the form of her no longer being able to sing. thats the key factor here, being punished for doing what is right, losing the ability to do what you could do before, losing the memories of the time you spent with your friends. (thats another thing i see with a lot of these arguments, they always bring up physical disabilities, but ive never seen one actually talk about ones regarding memory, arguably the most precious thing to them). tougou flat out doesnt remember sonoko at all despite being comrades in arms before, and understandably freaks out that the same might happen with her and yuuna.

now, understandably, the ending to s1 seemed super rushed, and them getting their bodily functions back seemed rather sudden. this put a lot of people off, and was really only explained in s2, which many didnt watch.

people should be allowed to grieve if they lose something important to them, and should be allowed to be happy if they get it back. personally, i dont think people realize the weight of their words when they say, "oh i wish karin wouldve stayed deaf, itd be really cool to see the club members learning sign language for it" or "yuuna in a wheelchair was really cute, i wish we saw more of it." yeah its a cool idea i guess, maybe something to see while theyre stil recovering, but forever? in a chase to see more representation, i hope they realize what they are wishing onto others eventually (even if fictional). while many with disabilities are satisfied with their life, they should be able to wish for better if they wanted to, its not like theyd wish their circumstances on anyone else, right? shouldnt the same apply here, to the girls who've actually lived both with and without disabilities?

just my two cents, hope this wasnt too hard to read! theres a lot more i could write up, especially regarding sonoko, but thats a whole other discussion i should probably save for another time

[hamofjustice]

Nemona the Unrivaled

Chapter 1: A Closed Door

Info / Chapter Select: here

Finally, Nemona was getting back out of this darn villa. That was the most painfully long time away from school she could remember, even if the numbers on the calendar said she was imagining things. She just had to stick around a bit longer while Director Clavell talked to Mother and Father, and she’d finally be on her way back to home sweet dorm for a while.

... It was nice of those two to actually show up for something.

But the thought that they were having some kind of grown-up talk in there that she wasn’t privy to -- one that was almost definitely about her -- was digging one last pit in her stomach. What had she done wrong without noticing now, that was apparently worth worrying about but no one had the guts to just bring up to her directly? She gazed down at the intricate stone work under her red shoes, but took in none of what she was seeing.

But then, she heard a bit of commotion in the distance. Who was that coming up the road? With no less than three Pokemon all running up to her!? Was this that kid next door coming to visit, finally? Were they--

Alright, alright, cool it, look away for a sec, act natural, pretend you don’t see ‘em, don’t just stare and creep ‘em out. Wait for the right moment when they get close to turn around and give ‘em the ol’ razzle-dazzle... okay... and... go!

"Oh? Are you these three's Trainer?" Nemona greeted her visitor, coolly turning toward them with her gloved hand on her waist, a swirl of her ponytail and a nod of her head. Nailed it. “Buenas! We haven't met, have we?”

Nemona looked at the newcomer properly now. Looked to be a boy, though it was best not to assume those things in Paldea. Kinda on the younger side, or maybe just hadn’t the kind of growth spurt she had yet. Slightly spiky short brown hair and a paler complexion than her own, in the standard Uva Academy uniform. Not much to speak of in the style department. Yep, just the way they usually rolled out of the boy factory. Not that Nemona knew much about fashion either -- she mostly just let her family doll her up for events as they saw fit -- but she at least picked herself out some matching non-Academy-branded red-and-black accessories for school and adventures, even if it didn’t really go with the indigo-and-white uniform or the green bits in the front of her hair. Nobody seemed to get that she wanted it to look like leaves on a fruit! She wasn’t gonna cut it off no matter how dumb anyone thought it looked, though. It was a small act of rebellion, the only serving size of rebellion she could usually get away with, between the --

Anyway. The new kid seemed to be closely observing the Sprigatito, Fuecoco, and Quaxly that had run ahead of him. In fact, it looked like he didn’t notice there was another human there too until the three little critters ran past her legs to play in the villa’s garden and fountain like they owned the place. He seemed a little surprised to be spoken to.

“H-huh? Oh. Uh, they’re not mine... yet. Um... the Academy Director left me to choose one of them.” The visitor eventually explained, avoiding eye contact instead of giving her a name. Was she making him nervous already?

Nemona heard the door open behind her seconds later to save them both from the awkward silence, and she turned to look as Director Clavell stepped out of the villa to greet their visitor. The old man cleared his throat to further announce his presence and pushed up his glasses. Nemona often wondered why he didn’t just get a new pair that stayed on better, but at this point touching his glasses all the time seemed to be as deep-set a habit of his as folding his hands behind his back, so it probably wouldn’t make much difference.

"Director... Is this who I think it is?" Nemona just had to ask, balling her fists excitedly against her chest like she was watching a battle.

“Indeed, this is our academy's newest student, Master Adam. He will be attending as of today.”

Nemona’s head whipped around to face Adam again upon having that confirmed. "So you ARE that kid who moved up in the road! I've been dying to find out more about you!"

He winced slightly at her enthusiasm. “Y-yeah, that’s me. Uh... I’ve been looking forward to getting my Trainer’s License for a while. Been studying on my own and everything.” Adam offered as some kind of information as he crouched down to watch Fuecoco in particular. He didn’t ask for Nemona’s name.

“Oh reaaaally?! Well, you’re talking to the right girl, then!” she enthused regardless. That eagerness of his was so exciting to her!

... Adam was mostly paying attention to the little fire croc having just roasted an orange that had fallen from one of the family’s trees, and nodded to it approvingly. Nemona, meanwhile, was getting lost in her head with excitement that this boy might be the friend she needed. She just needed to make sure to sink her teeth in early, before anyone else could tell him she was an annoying weirdo, or stuck-up nepo baby, or the chosen one, or--

“Uh... oh yeah?” Adam eventually responded. He didn’t really seem to be on Nemona’s wavelength, but his curiosity seemed a bit more piqued by the "right girl" line.

“Quite. Miss Nemona here is not only president of our fine Academy’s student council, but already a Champion-Rank Trainer in her own right." Clavell clarified before Nemona could.

Adam glanced up and down at Nemona, as if newly re-appraising her now. “Nemona, huh... Well, uh... good for you, Champion.” he said flatly as he stood back up, no longer looking quite so interested.

Nemona felt a bit of sweat on her brow. “U-um, hey, don’t let that intimidate‘cha, though! I was just like you, not too long ago! Honest!”

Adam, however, was looking at her family’s little seaside mansion with half-lidded eyes. “Sure.”

“Miss Nemona speaks the truth. Our school is quite proud to have a student so brilliantly passionate among us.”

At that, Adam and Nemona both snorted automatically and covered their mouths.

“Hm? Did I say something amusing...?”

“Nothing.” Adam and Nemona blurted out almost simultaneously. Nemona shot Adam a knowing glance, but he only returned it for a brief moment.

Clavell sighed. “I must say, I do still feel so out of the loop with the youth at times, despite my best efforts.” the Director admitted, pushing up his glasses. “Regardless... Master Adam, I wasn’t expecting to see you follow me here so soon. Shall I take that to mean you have already decided which of these Pokemon you would like to be your first partner?”

“Um, yeah. I think Fuecoco would be the smartest choice, given the types of the first two Gyms, and the potential of its Torch Song when it someday learns that.”

“... I see. You certainly have been doing your homework already, so to speak. Well, er... Fuecoco seems to have taken quite a liking to you as well. This is your first Pokemon, yes? Please do raise it with love and care, even when it is not the correct tactical choice. And of course, be sure to keep it tucked safely within this Poke Ball when it’s time for it to rest. Or if you’re unsure it will behave properly indoors just yet, hoho.”

Adam took the Ball and nodded, before recalling Fuecoco into it and attaching the Ball to his belt. It was officially his now. “Thank you, sir.”

Nemona had her hands clasped together in front of her and stars in her eyes as she watched. A brand new Trainer born before her eyes, like watching an egg hatch! “Adam... I can't believe you actually chose Fuecoco...”

“What do you --”

“I mean, like, way to make the perfect choice for you! You two make such a good combo!"

“... Oh. Uh, based on what? Like... vibes, or...?” Adam asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Um... yeah!”

Adam scratched his head awkwardly and shut his eyes, looking irritated. “... Okay.”

Even Nemona could tell this didn’t seem to be going well, but she stuck with it and turned to Clavell to let him know about her plan regardless. “H-hey, um, Director... can I choose one of these Pokemon, too?”

"Oh, but...did you not receive a Pokémon when you enrolled at the academy, Miss Nemona?"

Adam crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently as the conversation went on without him.

"Not back then, no! I had other Pokémon I was focused on raising at the time. But now I want to raise a new Pokémon alongside Adam while he raises his own new partner!"

“... Huh? What, like... just pretending you’re a new trainer?” Adam asked flatly.

“Yeah! I’ve been meaning to relive my first Gym Challenge anyway, and I’d love to have a rival along the way!”

Adam huffed, shut his eyes and rubbed his forehead like he had a headache. Nemona seemed to have struck a nerve she was unaware of. “... I get a say in this too, don’t I?”

“Um, well, yeah... I just thought it’d be nice to final-- t-to make a new friend today, though.”

“I’m sure someone like you has plenty already.”

Nemona’s gut twisted a bit. “Uh, well, um, I just wanna help out, too!” she continued desperately.

The irritated boy took a deep, weary breath. “I don’t know how much fun I’m going to have with someone who’s already done all this stuff breathing down my neck and talking my ear off.”

“Aw, c’mon, pleeeaaase? It’s not like that...”

“Go pick on somebody your own size.”

“What do you mean, ‘pick on’...?”

“Master Adam --” Clavell began, attempting to intervene.

“What reason would somebody like you have to give up what you’ve got and pretend we’re equals? You just want to lord over me, puff yourself up about how much better than me you are, try to tell me what to do... Something. I just know you’re up to something. Can’t you go buy yourself some friends?”

Nemona’s eyes widened and blood ran colder with every word. Her stomach felt like it had dropped right on through the ground into the cave system below. Where did all that even come from? If even a complete stranger could be like this to her now... what hope did she have left? “No, no, it’s not like that--” she said again shakily, stepping forward and reaching a hand toward Adam, who just took a step backward in response. Was she really that bad? Was he afraid of her now? No, no, no...

Director Clavell blocked Nemona with his arm before she could get any further, but his eyes were laser focused on the boy in front of him.

“Ahem! Master Adam! While you are as free as any of us to do as you see fit on your personal journey, and your boundaries are you own... I must ask you to please be more respectful of your fellow student, especially one merely trying to be your friend. Her idea would be quite a charming one, if I were a student in your position. Would you not appreciate having a peer take you under her wing as you get used to your new life here, making some memories together right from your very first day of school? It is quite presumptuous to believe she would do any of the things you have accused her of. Show a smidge of good faith, would you?”

Adam stood his ground for a moment, glaring at the two of them like they were about to jump him, but he sighed in resignation and unclenched his fists. Whatever awoke in him seemed to have quieted down, maybe out of fear of the Director. Adam shut his eyes and scratched the back of his neck. “... I... I see your point. I uh, apologize for my remarks, Director. And... Miss President. It’s, uh... nothing personal. I would rather go it alone, though.”

“... Okay. That’s... perfectly fine.” Nemona responded weakly, each word squeakier than the last, and gulped.

“Hmph. Very well... I’ll check in to be sure you had a safe trip to school on your own then, Master Adam. And I’ll be having a quick word with your mother about these ‘remarks’ once I’m done with my business here.” Clavell said sternly.

“Yes sir...” Adam grumbled as he set off alone toward Poco Path. “Teacher’s pet...” he muttered, too low for an old man’s ears to pick up.

Nemona still stood dumbfounded next to the Director. The excitement she had a few minutes ago had drained away into the hint of tears in her eyes. Why had it turned out this way? “I... I’m sorry...”

“What? Miss Nemona, you’ve done nothing wrong...?”

“Then why... why does this --” she tried to say, then gave up and wiped her face with her sleeve, trying to save face. “Okay... I just... ugh.”

Clavell looked a bit unsure of what to do in this situation -- Nemona had never let him see her this upset before. The old man hesitantly placed a hand on her shoulder. “It seems he was... a bit intimidated and anxious because of the way I’d spoken of you. If anything, that was a mistake on my part, even if... it was certainly not an expected reaction. It is I who should be deeply sorry to you, if it cost you a friend.”

Nemona sniffled again and shook her head. “No, no... I can’t ask you to pretend I’m someone else, Director. I don’t think Adam was ever going to like me anyway.”

Clavell gazed down at the confused Sprigatito and Quaxly looking back up at the two of them, as he sighed and gave Nemona’s shoulder a couple small pats.

“... Perhaps not. But I will not stand to hear it as any fault of your own. His solitude is his loss. But people can change... especially if they find themselves haunted by regrets.”

Nemona lost track of how long he kept holding her shoulder as she kept gazing emptily at nothing in particular.

“... Er, before we forget, Miss Nemona... would it cheer you up if I still offered you one of these Pokemon?” he offered with a sympathetic smile.

Nemona was suddenly jolted back to reality by the reminder that the two remaining little buddies were still there, and joined the Director in looking down at them. She sighed as well and knelt down, letting the old man’s hand fall slack against his side. She was so tempted to say she wasn’t in the mood for her new adventure anymore and just leave, but... she couldn’t say no to that little Sprigatito’s face. This wasn’t its fault either, after all. She petted the little grass cat with a bittersweet smile as the Quaxly clung to familiar Clavell’s ankle. Nemona was planning on picking a Grass-type to make things easier for that boy’s Fire-type, but maybe he would have just found it patronizing. Or maybe he would have thought she was bullying him if she picked the Water-type. It seemed like maybe there was no right answer. Maybe this was just always going to happen to her and there was no point obsessing on it. She’d just have to find bits of joy wherever she could.

“... Yeah, I’ll take this one. Thanks, Director...” Nemona said without any of the usual life in her voice.

Clavell solemnly reached down to hand Nemona the Poke Ball for Sprigatito, unsure if she would be getting back up anytime soon, and she accepted it. After a moment, she did in fact stand up and recall her new Pokemon quietly. Clavell similarly returned his Quaxly to its Ball and tucked it into his coat for another day.

“... May I ask a delicate question, Miss Nemona?”

“... Go ahead, sir.”

“Does this... sort of thing happen to you often?” the Director asked in a low voice. “This brand of... open hostility towards your, er, social standing and achievements?”

Her eyes widened and and she glanced away. “Huh? Um... not... really...” she lied.

“... I assure you that your answer will be quite confidential when I resume speaking with your parents.” he clarified, pushing his glasses to his brow. “However, I cannot escape the feeling that much of the events that transpire at our school occur hidden from my watch.”

Nemona took a deep breath. “It’s fine, I’ll find somebody. I just need to be... different. Or something.”

Clavell blinked. “You... do have friends your own age, do you not? I recall seeing you quite often with Master Arven or Master Aliquis in the schoolyard...”

Nemona staggered for a moment at that question. It was a wonder she kept standing. “... They... they both got tired of me. I don’t know if they were really ever my friends. They just... thought it was really important to beat me in a battle, and got really angry when they couldn’t. And when I started taking it easier on them or trying to help and encourage them, they... they told me I was being patronizing and rude, and got even angrier. They stopped returning my calls, too...”

“Ah... and here I’d assumed it was typically you who initiated those battles, given your passion for them.”

Nemona stood up straight, closed her eyes to take another deep breath, and pulled her glove on tighter. “At least my Pokemon like me! Don’t know what I’d do without ‘em!” She said in her usual bright and happy tone.

The young Champion put away her new Sprigatito’s Poke Ball and pulled out a different one, releasing her Cyclizar in front of the villa. Rather than get onto its back just yet, however, she just knelt down with her arms outstretched. “Right, buddy?”

The lizard Pokemon stepped up and gave her a hug without hesitation, despite the awkward tire-like sac on its chest. A smile slowly crept back onto her face as she closed her eyes and soaked in the moment. “Yeah... love you too, li’l guy.”

Clavell looked away sadly. “So... this does indeed happen often.”

Nemona didn’t respond, other than a deep breath through her nose. She continued to cling to Cyclizar.

“... I can make some time to discuss this with you privately this evening, if you’d like. Right now, I’m afraid I’m falling behind schedule for everyone else. In the meantime... please do not be afraid to reach out to the other adults in your life, Miss Nemona. Take care.”

“If they have time for me.” She muttered under her breath.

Clavell lingered and looked back at her for a moment, before sighing and heading for the door back into the villa. He probably heard that one.

“... You take care too, Director.” Nemona finally added at the last second before he went back inside. He was right, Mother and Father were probably tired of waiting for him by now. She’d been holding him up. Stupid, needy, pathetic girl, never happy with what she had...

Nemona picked up the riding gear she’d been keeping in front of the villa until it was time to go and strapped it onto Cyclizar’s back. She still wasn’t in the mood to start a new Pokemon team with Sprigatito, at least not today. It’d remind her too much of how much fun she could be having if she just had a friend. Nope, with how she felt right now, she was just gonna skip the exercise potential and zoom straight to her dorm room at Uva, dump her bags and pockets wherever, and crash in bed until she didn’t feel quite as awful. Normally when she was in a mood like this, she’d train one of her Pokemon against a whole outbreak of powerful wild ones, like in a martial arts movie or something, to clear her head. But today, a nap sounded better. Or at least easier.

She’d been rolling the Director’s advice around in her head for a minute too, though... and took out her solid black Rotom Phone to consider dialing La Primera. No, no, Geeta was probably just as busy as Clavell was, especially today. She sighed and let it float back into her pocket before getting on Cyclizar and riding off down Poco Path.

She pretended she didn’t see Adam poking around in the bushes by the road with Fuecoco as they passed him.

[grimalkinmessor]

Hello! I am very intrigued by your headcanons towards Death Note characters since I read your post about your Light's ones. So I wanted to ask what are your headcanons about L and Ryuk??

Ooo I haven't thought much about those two in terms of headcanons.

I'll start with Ryuk because I have a few more on hand for him, just because they tie into my Shinigami lore hcs :3

☠️ -Ryuk used to be human once! All Shinigami save for Nu and the King used to be human. Now my personal headcanon for that is that you have to kill a certain amount of people before you can become a Shinigami, and the Shinigami realm is rotten and dying because they just don't make killers like they used to :/ Ryuk is the youngest of them, and he made the cut because he was an arsonist! :D As a human Ryuk was a punk, a highly insane anarchist with a taste for gunpowder and blood. He blew up so many buildings with people inside that he made the cut for Shinigami-dom.

☠️ -An add-on to the above and a slight spoiler for Cosmic Entities, Ryuk the Human was killer on the guitar. His riffs were fucking amazing, and he rocked with a lot of underground artists before he overdosed and died. Of course when he became a Shinigami he forgot about all of that, but if he ever, say, regained a human body, he might remember a bit of it :3

☠️ -Ryuk's highly addictive personality is half a leave over from his human life, and half because of how young of a Shinigami he is. The older a Shinigami is the more apathetic they get—which is why I headcanon Kinddara as fairly young too, because she has a LOT of bloodlust rattling around in her. A lot. Gelus and Rem aren't young, persay, but they're definitely not as old as they others given that they both fell for Misa. Whiiich brings me to my next headcanon!

☠️ - Ryuk is asexual! :D And aromantic. He was ace when he was human too, but they didn't really have a name for it back when he was alive so he never labelled it. And as a Shinigami, he just assumed that other Shinigami ALSO didn't feel those urges because, you know, they're Shinigami. Ryuk still gets attached to people even as a Shinigami (I headcanon his relationship with Light as queerplatonic in every universe and you will pry that from my cold dead hands) and he's not really sex-repulsed, he would just honestly rather have an apple.

☠️ -Case in point: Ryuk gets depressed after Light dies. He gets the reputation as a storyteller because...well, that's kind of all he does after that whole Kira mess ends. (That Shinigami from the relight is NOT Light I will fight you on that—) He reminisces about it like a war veteran and tells anyone that asks anything they want to know about the various Kiras and Light. Especially Light. He's very proud of Light. Ryuk doesn't seem to even be interested in the human world afterward, nor in playing or gambling with his fellow Shinigami. He seems more resigned to his boredom than before. Almost like he's grieving someone. Huh...

🍰 -L'S TURN: I have multiple contradictory headcanons for how L ended up with Watari, but my most realistic one is that his mother died directly after giving birth, but she was a bit of Jane Doe. The only thing she had with her was a messenger bag with a worn French book and a map of the area in it. Since she died before she could name her child, the hospital staff looked through her stuff and found the initials L.L. written on the inside of the book, so one of the nurses just wrote that down on the birth certificate, along with the first word she found on one of the pages. It was in the woman's bag, so it was obviously important to her, right? Maybe she'd like her child named after her favorite novel. Buuut half of the first name smudged and left the kid with a singular letter L instead of actual initials. Oops. The matrons at the orphanage don't have time to worry about shit like that so the singular letter stuck. Congrats kid, that L no longer stands for anything, you're a part of the alphabet now 🫡

🍰 -L definitely pulled a Tom Riddle in his first orphanage and stole literally everything he could get his hands on. If a kid argued with him or tried to tell on him he would beat them up. He was that quiet kid in the corner of the room, eating everyone's candy from that generous man that passed by the day before because they didn't defend it or hide it well enough. And L was definitely a biter as a kid, so get to close to his little thief corner and you'll walk away with teeth marks in your fucking arm or leg or face. Around the matrons, however, L was—well, not normal, but he definitely didn't bully the other kids around them because they'd grab him and drag him around and crack his hands with a ruler, and even at a young age he knew that he couldn't win in a fight with someone that much bigger than him.

🍰 -L also knows plenty of foraging hacks from his time as an orphan. His original orphanage was on the outskirts of the city, so he got very good at learning which plants were edible by watching the forest animals and identifying them on his own. So when winter came along and food got scarce, L had little pouches and cups of dried flowers and berries and roots hidden in his room to eat. Like hell this little glutton is going to stick to his assigned rations—are you nuts? It's survival of the fittest out there 😤

🍰 -As a consequence of the above, L grew to really like rabbits. He watched them a lot to learn which plants he could eat and eventually got really hyperfixated on the idea of the idea of trying to catch one. He'd go out and hide and wait for the rabbits to show up, and then chase them. He had to get more creative when they proved to be faster than him, and eventually he set up a trap and caught one. L managed to keep it as a pet for about a week before the caretakers found out and made him get rid of it. Which was honestly just as well; L was nearing his limit with his rabbit fixation and eventually he would've started to neglect it.

🍰 -The book L's mother brought into the hospital was one of his only non-stolen possessions growing up, but because it was written in French, L had to learn French in order to read it. And he did. By the time L was seven years old he was pretty much bilingual—one of the reasons he caught Quillish's attention as a little prodigy. L learns languages quickly, but only when he's interested, so he might learn five languages in rapid succession or he might procrastinate learning another language for two years. By the time he hits sixteen he's fluent in nine different languages. He stalls at around thirteen when he's twenty and doesn't really see the need to pick up anymore.

🍰 -At one point, Quillish attempted to force L into healthier eating habits by only giving him healthy foods, but this backfired spectacularly because L threw a fit and refused to eat any of it. Quillish didn't want to back down though, so he told L that if he didn't want to eat what was in front of him then he could go hungry. And because is L is a petty bastard and runs on quick fuel sugar, it didn't take him long to pass the fuck out after a day of refusing to eat the bullshit Quillish locked him in with. Quillish tries this three more times before giving up and just sneaking vegetables into his sweets. When L is older, they have a long conversation (argument) about it and eventually L begrudgingly agrees to replace at least a quarter of his sweets with fruit—sweet enough for him to tolerate but healthy enough to appease Quillish. Hence the banana scene that everyone loves :)

[deusexlachina]

Cheeseaged Exocolonist Age 19 1/2: Form a translesbian political marriage for the buffs

The first half of the final year, in which we shake down my centrist auntie, use the gentle love of a transgender woman to become a political powerhouse, and fight against both competitors for rule of the planet.

And I come dangerously close to having to play fairly.

The final year is a busy time - so busy that I split this year into two logs. I've saved everyone who can be saved, and improved the lives of almost everyone in the colony. But it will all be for naught if I don't depose Lum, because he will never make peace with the Gardeners.

I get Utopia on board, giving me the vote of everyone except Antecedent, a centrist who doesn't believe in war but supports Lum solely because he surrounds himself with Very Fine People. The only named character in Lum's circle is Vace, who was in an abusive relationship with Antecedent's daughter until I destroyed it without her help or apparent knowledge that her daughter was being abused. Antecedent is the single worst mom in the colony and being a mom is her whole career. And she's competing with Instance, who is evil.

However, once I tell her I have the support of every other authority figure in the colony, she sees which way the wind is blowing and immediately decides to support my coup of the man she supported seconds before.

I have successfully gotten the entire council on board with overthrowing Lum. At this point, Marz could really take it from here. However, despite planning her whole life to be a political leader, she's a terrible leader with terrible politics. She only discovered capitalism was bad when she was seventeen, which is an impressive level of ignorance given that she is the child of an anti-capitalist group fleeing from an Earth doomed by capitalism. This whole story is taught to ten year olds as part of the basic Humanities curriculum.

Her environmental policies have also been quite bad, which is not a good thing in a planet where the environment is sentient and able to murder you.

In terms of leadership per se, even with the colony on the line, she decided to get all the adults onboard with the coup and then let me do all the work of recruiting. She doesn't get any votes on her own, and doesn't even allude to trying.

Lastly, and most importantly, she does not have godlike powers that allow her to use the knowledge gained from every possible life she could have lived. Only I am fit to rule this planet. And that means I have to take her down.

Unfortunately, it turns out that you need to have Persuasion maxed out to actually defeat her. This catches me off-guard, because achieving peace is the one ending I've never gotten. Even with Marz's jacket, I don't have enough. Worse, there is only one job in the game that primarily levels Persuasion (i.e. levels it anywhere close to how much I need), and I haven't even unlocked it yet because it requires either persuasion, which I don't have, or loyalty, which I have actively avoided. And the deadline is the end of Early Dust. Even if I backtrack by several months, it's not enough.

I don't just need cheese here. I need stinky cheese. I take longer than I will disclose calculating how much Persuasion I need and where I could get it. Eventually, I come up with a plan that I am prouder of than it frankly deserves.

There are three statuses that reliably boost stat gains. If you defend the colony, you get Heroic, which boosts Physical gains. Mastering a skill gives you Enlightened, which boosts Mental gains. I could do either of these easily, but Persuasion is a Social skill. There is only one status that boosts Social gains: Smitten. It is the buff you get for entering a relationship.

She's not seriously...oh, but I am. That's right. Citizens of Vertumna, I am about to enter the planet's first political marriage!

I spend some time deliberating on who will be the lucky girl before selecting Tangent. It has always been Tangent. It is always going to be Tangent.

I tell her our shared trauma could be romantic, which sounds glib but is one of the most sincere things I have said in this entire run. Everyone else I have detached from, just pawns for me to put in the perfect position to make the perfect world. Tangent is special, different, perfectly imperfect. She was my wife in the one timeline I lived organically, the one life where I naively thought I could die. I woo her out of a longing for that innocent time, but I am no longer innocent, and she is only innocent because of my manipulations.

Anyway, this gives me the Smitten buff, which allows me to grind Persuasion really fast. It increases all Persuasion gains by one, so I make sure to get as many little Persuasion boosts as I can while the buff is active, exploiting the game mechanics as much as Sol exploits her loved ones.

It goes without saying that I timed my romantic confession to squeeze out the most extra Persuasion points. Which turns out to be 5. Even sadder is that this paltry bonus ends up being crucial.

With this boost, I get just enough to qualify to Assist The Governor. I decide the best way to Assist him is by facilitating his retirement. In this job, he assigns me to make propaganda, so I make him a meme. This is not essential to deposing him or becoming governor, and in fact actually costs me 10 kudos. But it is a small price to pay to humiliate my enemy at the end of his career.

I use my remaining kudos to buy a doll, so I have all four item slots with a persuasion-boosting item. But here I encounter a dilemma. I'm still five points short. The whole game, I have been relying on the broken pet vriki I got in year 12, which boosts skill gains on a success (for me, all the time).

But the coup happens immediately after Early Dust, and you have no opportunity to switch items between your job and the coup, so I have to be equipping all my persuasion items to have enough for the check. Without the vriki, Assisting the Governor only gives me 4 points - one tragic point short! The only way I can get five points is by getting a super goal. This would be easy, if not for one problem. The fidget spinner, the source of my powers, also takes up a gear slot.

I cannot stim.

For the first time in years, I have to play the card game with real numbers instead of my bullshit all-wildcard deck that breaks the game in half. The fate of the colony depends on me winning without cheese!

I draw a bad hand. I use a crystal to draw a new hand, and thankfully the redraw is much better. It's good enough to win...but still not enough to get the super goal. I rearrange my hand, something I have to do because the numbers actually matter this time. But no combination works. Are my strongest memories not enough?

In a tragic twist worthy of the Twilight Zone, my all-blue deck works against me, because they can't benefit from the fidget spinner, and yellow cards are worth more here. If only all my cards were yellow...

I have a desperate plan. At one end, I play a blue card with a gem, which for this challenge is rainbow - it counts as any suit, including the vaunted yellow. Then, I put my memory of Nomi right in the centre, a special card which transes the gender of its neighbours so they're rainbow too. Finally, I use one of my few remaining consumables to turn my best blue card yellow. At the end of this trickery, I have an all-yellow hand without having a single yellow card.

And then, just as I'm out of ideas and resources:

No pressure.

Having gotten a Super Goal by one measly point, I get 100 Persuasion. I am ready to rule the world. And not a moment too soon, for immediately after, it is Vertumnalia, the annual festival when our coup is planned.

With the combined might of every leader of the Stratospheric behind me, I depose Lum...

And am elected ruler of the only human colony on Vertumna! I am formally granted this position by Dr. Instance, presumably because I am in a de facto political marriage with her daughter.

Trial basis, good one, Doc! I am ruling you ingrates for life.

[genderqueeradrien]

ADRIEN AGRESTE BPD CODED? explain pls <- going O.O slash pos

ok so !!! this turned into an ESSAY i'm so sorry i've been thinking about this for ages and haven't put my thoughts on paper together yet so this is me doing that. also disclaimer irl at least in the us people usually cant get diagnosed with bpd until theyre atbut this is a french kid's show about magic superheroes so i'm ignoring a bit of real-world logistics for the sake of analysis. also, i'm starting with things that ARENT kuro neko specific but trust me we'll get to her.

warning: really long post. actual warning: there's mentions of self harm, talk of suicide and metaphorical suicide, and some discussion of canonical abuse + coping mechanisms. generally lots of mental illness stuff

(also in case the readmore breaks at some point im putting this here bc i want to have it saved Somewhere)

ALL THAT BEING SAID!

[blank paragraph in case the readmore eats the first paragraph. i love this website]

some bpd symptoms i see in adrien/chat noir:

identity disturbance, markedly/persistently unstable self-image/sense of self: there's been several times here adrien talks about wondering whether adrien or chat noir is his "true self," which is super interesting to me bc i (dissociative disorder haver) used to angst about that exact thing (though his situation is definitely different on account of being a superhero lol). there's also the fact that he doesn't have any idea who he is or what he wants to do with his future, and his mind goes blank whenever he thinks about it, which aligns with the difficulties in committing to goals/jobs often seen in bpd

potentially self-damaging impulsive behavior: he's always sacrificing himself for ladybug- here's 2 minutes straight of him doing it in timebreaker, dark cupid, zombizou, chameleon, gorilla, and gamer 2.0. he also does it in lies, reverser, and the shangai special, and probably several more. imo as well as showing an intense attachment to ladybug, it also shows a lack of regard for his own health and wellbeing :( not to mention all the times he runs to fight akumas with no plans or tries to fight them on a broken ankle or other general recklessness

suicidal or self harming behavior: i know this is a stretch but this is a kid's show so we're probably not going to like. see any of that onscreen in a literal sense. but i do feel like some of the times where he sacrifices himself over and over could count. because no matter how much he trusts ladybug there's no guarantee she'll be able to fix everything, and he's immediately willing to die/be teleported into a shadow realm/turned into a kissing zombie/despawn/etc despite that. also he tried to cataclysm himself during guiltrip, tho that was bc of an akuma (although akumas do generally amplify preexisting emotions)

inappropriate/intense/difficult to control anger: trying to cataclysm kim because he played a mean prank on marinette is the first thing i think of. i feel like he definitely tends to suppress anger until it bubbles up and explodes, like in representation when he's going off on his dad about his parenting being shitty, which, while justified, definitely put him in more danger of being hurt. also i know it was in an alternate timeline + he was akumatized but he DID kill everyone in the world that one time. i support him though. he's allowed to do that because i love him

a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, splitting: prefacing this with i dont think ladybug + chat noir are in an unhealthy relationship, but i do think that sometimes the way he sees ladybug can be unhealthily idolizing, in a way that's very reminiscent of favourite persons in bpd. most of season 4 is him being in love with ladybug but feeling pushed aside, until he splits on her in kuro neko (which i'm getting to i promise. this post is way longer than i thought it'd be). there's also desperada where he spends months in a time loop trying to save her despite presumably knowing he's not the person who should be saving her right now.

stress-related paranoid ideation or dissociative symptoms: tbh i dont know much abt paranoid ideation so i won't speak on that too much, but i do think his worst fear in sandboy being ladybug being upset with him despite having never acted that way before might fall into that category? as for dissociative symptoms, aside from the identity thing i mentioned earlier, i guess the scene in kuro neko where he's sitting on his couch doing nothing except running his video game character into a wall could be him dissociating? also apparently (i havent read/seen this myself but ive heard abt it) astruc said chat noir is resistant to akumas because he's so used to disappointment, which could suggest a level of emotional numbing

when i first was watching miraculous i was kinda thinking abt adrien having bpd but i didn't have anything super solid to explain it. but it's fun for me to analyze characters' mental states and nothing explicitly contradicts it so whatever. BUT THEN. KURO NEKO.

when ladybug snaps at him he immediately jumps to the conclusion that she hates him/is tired of him (splitting, paranoid thinking)

he decides to leave, which may seem contradictory to "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment," but pushing people away and essentially abandoning someone before they abandon you (whether or not that was actually going to happen) is a super common result of that symptom and it's what he's doing here. he thinks she doesn't need him, so before she can tell him this he leaves

he leaves his miraculous behind where someone couldve grabbed it because he felt rejected (impulsive behaviour)

then he goes home and tries to destroy all the traces of his love for ladybug, getting rid of his pictures of her on his phone and physical pictures as well (splitting, difficulty controlling anger)

when he wakes up he lies in bed, skips school, doesn't change out of his pajamas, and spends his time running his video game character into a wall. to me it looks like he's completely shut down (dissociation)/in a depressive episode

the show from the beginning sets up that being chat noir is an escape for adrien, and the beginning of season 4 really hammers that point home. we see adrien having an awful day and only finally perking up when he gets to see ladybug. so when adrien gives up his ring that's him giving up on not only himself but on a huge part of his life and one of the only parts that brings him happiness. the way he talks about giving up his ring ("i just can't do this anymore. i give up. on everything") sounds like something a suicidal person would say. this is also something he's expressed before, in syren, when he says "no one'll know if I quit. no one'll care!" (not for nothing, this also comes after him feeling rejected by ladybug). to me it feels like he's been balancing on this metaphorical-suicide metaphorical-ledge for a very long time and kuro neko is him giving up, and then realizing that giving up isn't the way to feel better. (suicidal ideation, fear of abandonment)

adrien doesn't hesitate at the idea of completely changing his personality to be who he thinks marinette wishes he was. the need to make himself into whoever he thinks will be wanted has been a running theme through his life (his childhood dream was to be whoever his parents wanted him to be), and it doesn't fully end with kuro neko- the same insecurities about not being good enough are still shown in the later half of season 5, with him telling marinette he's not worthy of her love and telling ladybug making jokes is all he was ever good for (both in revolution). (low self-esteem, fear of abandonment)

catwalker in general makes me go insane. i think a lot of catwalker comes from the persona he puts on when he's acting as adrien agreste, gabriel agreste's golden child. and i think the constant deference is also something he learned from the abuse from his father. he leans into the "fawn" coping mechanism (adapting to an abuser's wishes to appease them, denying your own needs for those of others) because it's what he's learned to do his whole life because of his father.

catwalker is like a personified fawn fear response. he's the personification of adrien's frantic attempts to avoid abandonment. he's loyal to a fault and would do whatever ladybug asked him to just to try and be good enough for her to stay. he doesn't realize that he's already good enough as adrien/chat noir, that ladybug needs him to be himself or her magic literally doesn't work. she can't do it on her own. she needs him but he's so scared she'll leave that he tries to leave first and then tries to mold himself into someone new who she could love. when he was already loved fully the whole time. aough.

some other smaller examples of his low self esteem & desperation to avoid abandonment:

trying to get good grades to impress his father and earn his love

staying friends with people and trusting them for far longer than is logical (chloé and lila)

feeling like he's not worthy of marinette's love or ladybug's partnership, feeling like he's not worthy to be a miraculous holder or that he's not helping the team, etc

the shocked relief in his eyes when ladybug says she won’t abandon him :(

when gabriel says to chat noir that his son is precious and chat/adrien looks at him Like That. yeah .

SO. YEAH. this post kinda got away from me a little bit as i defended my agresteology dissertation or whatever.

TLDR: he's impulsive and loyal to a fault, yet terrified of abandonment to the point where he tries to sabotage his relationships himself. he idolizes ladybug until he feels rejected by him, when he splits on her and becomes convinced she doesn't care about him. he has low self-worth and places a lot of his perceived worth on how (he believes) others think of him and is always striving towards that ideal even when that ideal is something he can't reach, or something that hurts him to try to reach. also i want to give him a hug and some milk and a blanket. he deserves it

[sillyandquiteawkward]

ME AGAIN ! GUY WHO LIKES YOUR OCS ! (apparently this didn't send before but thankfully I saved it beforehand !)

Okay So I really really like Bailey and his siblings because they're literally SO bad coping mechanisms core. Like damn therapy wasn't kidding that Child Abuse really Can leave you altered for the rest of your life !

Ignatius is Fawn, due to having had to have adapted into a role of a peacekeeper for people in the house not to fucking bite each other, but also because I can really see him trying to sympathize with everyone around him in an attempt to make himself more approachable, more demure, smaller even, so that no one is mean to him. He wants things to be "normal" Soooo Bad he can't stand the fact people won't just talk to each other despite it feeling like the most logical option [<- Bro cannot accept the circumstances of a much more complicated relationship between his siblings than he originally fathomed !]

Bailey is Flight to me, because much like Octavia points out in that one comic you made innnnn 2022 (? I TINK !), instead of actually solving the issues that bother him head on and face the consequences of doing so, he'd rather walk around them a billion different ways and pretend to be busy and avoidant and Cool because dealing with actual conflict is SCARY !!!!!!! Call this guy "Mask of my own face" by Lemon Demon the way he has never once in his life felt the full extent of his emotions due to an underlying self imposed expectation to be this untouchable being who's always right and never actually has to have a heart to heart with anyone <3. I just think its interesting how you write Bailey to be this all-logic-no-play person, while also giving him the feeling that all of this is an act waiting to fall apart, and that he does not in fact Know A Damn Thing. He's the world's dumbest smart man I wish I could throw him in a well <- loving

And Octavia, of course, is Fight, but not JUST because she's exceedingly aggressive in order to cover up her own insecurities and fear of not being her an actual individual ! There's so much more to her and I'm FASCINATED frankly. She lives in a shadow of someone who has never had much regard for her accomplishments, and now she wants SO BAD to prove that "NO, YOU WERE WRONG, I AM SO GOOD AT THIS AND SO SUCCESSFUL" that she ends up losing her personality along the way. She's so focused on the achievements she has gotten, the fights she has won, the struggle SHE ALONE overcame, that she forgets that she's like... a person. Octavia has been on self defense mode for so long that she's forgotten HOW to take off all that armour, and now she's just stuck under hundreds of pounds of metal waiting for that one final thing that's going to make her happy. I just need to work a little harder ! I just need to do this better ! I just need a little more time to work on this and then I can rest ! I am good ! I am good ! She shouts. And then, when she FINALLY gets that score, that perfect track record, she's like "Great ! This proves me my worth and that I am in fact Good !...Now what". It's never enough and it has never been enough but fucking dammit she will prove it to herself to her mom and to her shitass lazy siblings that NO I AM GOOD. I JUST NEED TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD. IM DOING GOOD BECAUSE I WORK HARD. She's normal ♡ [I love her so bad but PLEASE give her mood stabilizers]

Hoohhg this ended up longer than I imagined but anyway. Tldr, Im Bailey I'm Iggy and Im Octavia the MENTAL ILLNESS siblings <3

(Long essay anon here again sorry) I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR OCS CONSTANLTY IM SO SORRY. They came into my house (brain) one day and they haven't left so now I'm conducting experiments on them. They're so cool and I really want you to know that they are. 50 ttrillion dollars for yiu

------

i literally love this soooo much please always feel free to have thoughts about my ocs ANYTIME! your thoughts about the bayleys are SO RIGHT. the mental illness siblings realness 😔 hehehehehe i think its really interesting that they ended up showing off the fight/flight/fawn responses. its not something i entirely planned for them, but its accurate. i especially enjoy the thoughts on bayley's flight response, it really is interesting how hes a master at avoiding things.

some doodles on your thoughts and what i thought would be silly in response. <3 bc i live for this stuff and it makes my day to read things like this, let alone on my own characters (sobbing crying <3<3)

[dayisfading]

just a few things (oops longer than i planned)

parents are very supportive of my mattress purchase. i stripped my bed to wash my sheets etc including the mattress pad i've been using for about a year now. i went in to talk to my mom and she was like, "that mattress is HORRIBLE. i had no idea." this is so funny bc truly it's like -- how do you know that your mattress sucks? it starts sucking gradually and unless you spend sufficient time on a different kind of mattress (which i have probably only done once or twice in the last two years), you have no frame of reference. i didn't realize the mattress itself was causing pain until i slipped my hand under my back, initially just to provide some support, and realized the springs digging into my back felt like a bunch of rocks wrapped in some thin padding. i am now wondering how much of the back pain i am frequently experiencing could be relieved just by getting a new mattress.

i am reading the circle by dave eggers. this is the first book i have picked up since the outlier (a few months ago, failed to finish; will return to it eventually). i got a kindle on black friday. thing is, i saw the movie adaptation of the circle before i realized it was based on a book. the movie is Not Great. and i am by no means a movie snob. it was confusing b/c by the end i realized the bones of the plot were really interesting but something about the execution threw it off (and the acting. we don't talk about emma watson. she is my beloved, but.) tom hanks couldn't even save it. THAT SAID, the book is great and i'm not at all put off by knowing the main bullet points of the plot, though i can't stop picturing one of the characters as karen gillan bc she was a great choice for the role, i fully hear the dialogue in her voice. i am 40% through it in less than two days!

on friday night, i came home from the holiday party socially exhausted and trying desperately to come down from this wave of overwhelm that i've been riding since, like, october. i wanted to turn my brain off. i planned to play euro truck simulator. but i could not find the actual usb connector for my controller. i looked everywhere. could not find it! i literally cried in frustration. then i remembered i have coloring pixels installed, which is a great color-by-number for pixel paintings. i haven't touched it in probably over a year, at least, but holy shit was it a great decision because i needed an actual break and it worked. turned brain off. actually felt relaxed. i have been looking for a way to unwind/decompress that does not necessarily involve tv or video games (though this technically is one). if you have not heard of it, it is free btw, with 99 cent themed packs for extra pages. also nice relaxing background music-in game. i highly recommend it!

[kitkatt0430]

8, 9 and 14 for the salty ask game!!

8.) Have you received anon hate? What about?

Yup. I don't get it often, but it's happened. Mainly over on FFnet, but I've gotten some questionable commentary on Ao3 too.

Usually it's people pissed off that I'm writing queer fiction. Or people pissed off that I'm writing for queer identities that they want to gate keep. So basically people who are being bigoted about queerness.

There was the angry anon on FFnet who kept calling me a fag. Haven't seen him in a while, hope it's because he's learned to be more tolerant and not simply that he's moved on to other targets. I've had a couple of people react very badly to my aromantic headcanon for the Doctor. Because how dare I not believe they weren't romantically in love with Rose or River or Clara or... whoever. One really indignant person who just could not believe anyone would ship Barry and Eddie because they 'hated' each other. (They didn't? It's okay to not like a ship for no real reason and then just... avoid that ship. Don't have to hate on ships you don't understand, mmkay?) Then there was that one person who told me I was being biphobic for having Anya be a lesbian in a fic where Buffy was starting to realize she was bi. I'm quite serious about that last one, it was such a WTF moment.

I've also gotten some hate for treating characters I like in nice and understanding ways. Mostly Iris. And it's been only a few times, but I know it's just a small taste of the larger hate directed at her in the fandom at large.

9.) Most disliked character(s)? Why?

Mark Blaine. The origin of Chillblaine being that of a Captain Cold knock off in the comics was not a good sign and, to be honest, he was not well served on the show either. The writing for Mark and Frost originally felt like a poor attempt to recapture Barry's chemistry with Len, but this time the straight edition and lacking any actual chemistry. Then when he starts his redemption arc, it feels like it comes at the expense of a lot of Frost's screen time and characterization. The focus was no longer on her - it was on her boyfriend. And then when Frost died to save Caitlin - with Caitlin 'dying' shortly afterwards anyway - the focus of all the grief over Frost and Caitlin was mainly on him. Not Frost and Caitlin's friends who'd known them and loved them longer and knew their histories so much better... Mark Blaine. Who was playing replacement goldfish with Khione, when he wasn't pitching an epic fit about not being allowed to kill-replace Khione with Frost.

14.) Unpopular opinion about your fandom?

There's definitely an issue with parts of the fandom when it comes to accepting characters have messy and sometimes bad reactions to their trauma.

Cisco gets this treatment for S3 where he's grieving his brother to the point where some people still hate him for it even now, seasons later after Cisco and Barry both made amends and came out with their friendship stronger than before. Iris gets it for being angry that Barry sacrificing himself at the end of S3 forced her to relive the same trauma she's already suffered from Eddie's death at the end of S1. Frost gets it for being immature and frightened (and suicidal) in S3 and lashing out at people because she'd never learned how to handle her emotions in healthy ways. She gained so much character development and worked hard to make amends for her villainous start, but some people never acknowledge her character development post S3 because she doesn't apologize in the exactly perfect way. Harry was massively traumatized by his daughter's kidnapping when he first arrived in S2, but he grew to love and be highly protective of Team Flash. Yet some people refuse to see past that first time he called Cisco 'Crisco'.

I'm not saying that everyone has to like all the characters. Or their character arcs. But a well rounded character is not going to be perfect. They're going to react badly to circumstances some times. They shouldn't be defined only by their worst impulses, especially if they're shown to grow beyond those impulses. It's okay to dislike a character without having to 'prove' that the character is morally impure first.

Though, to be fair, the purity culture thing is a problem with fandom at large. And I've been fortunate to avoid the worst of it in the Flash fandom.

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

What is this 3 chapter in the space of a few days I haven’t done that in a while

Chapter 27

Word count :3169

Mentions: em thinking about it the mentions for this one would have to be , mention of drugs and addiction , coming out , inclination of suicidal tendencies and inclination to smut

Also a Cliff hanger

3 days later.....

Mattys POV

I stayed at Ross' for the weekend, so he could keep an eye on me, he said that's not what he was doing but I couldn't help but notice the side glances every-time I got a little jumpy or how he'd freak out if I was out of his eye sight for longer than five minutes. Despite being under close watch I enjoyed being here. I feel like I've eaten enough food to sustain me for like the next two years. Slept a lot and just basically chilled out. Ross hadn’t let me have a joint just incase and I'm totally itching for one at this point, Ross met George, we've all stayed up playing FIFA and GTA , Ross thinks he's quite great to be honest. I haven't really had time alone with George to speak to him alone to tell him what happened but I will when I go home. Ross' mum said that she'd told Denise some of what had happened over the last few days but I spoke with her and told her that I'd tell my mum myself about all of it. Which is we're we start I'm waiting for my mum to come and pick me up because as much as I love being here , Ross needs to actually get some sleep as we've got last week of school to finish then we're on Study leave and he's been awake the whole weekend keeping an eye on me. I'm sat with Ross in his doorstep just having a cigarette waiting for my mum to pull up.

"I'm shitting it Ross, how's she going to react?" , the smoke of the cigarettes is floating around us making Ross look like a damn god sent to save me.

"I think it's your dad you have to worry about mate , you're your dads boy" , that sends a small shiver down my back because he's right, I hate upsetting my dad. My dads my best friend honestly and I hate letting him down.

"Don't...I can't tell him"

"It'll be okay man trust me they love you and they'll help you so much you know that", We both spot my mum coming down the road, we drop our cigarettes on the floor and stamp on them as we stand up and Ross tackles me into a hug "I love you bro, don't think about it to much okay , just be honest they'll understand"

I hug him back tightly and whisper into her ear "love you too man" , I say goodbye again and then jump into my Mums car as she waves to Ross and drives away, I start to feel immediately anxious as I get comfortable in the seat and strap myself in "hiya ma"

"Hiya love , did you have a good time?"

"Yup", I can already sense it's going to be an awkward conversation to have, I know Ross' mum told my Mum that I'd need to talk to her.

"Sooo , what's going on with you then love , Lisa said you'd need to talk"

"Mhm", my hand flies straight to my hair wracking my hand through it like always when I'm nervous, trying to find the right words to help me through this. "Where do you want me to start"

The car ride back from Ross' really didn't take much time since he's just down the road so we're already at ours sitting in the drive way, My mums looking at me but I can't really tell how she's feeling so in turn I can't really gauge what she's going to say which makes me kind of uneasy "maybe first off, how did you end up at Ross' and not back home like you said"

She didn't ask like she was annoyed but I still feel bad for not coming home like I said I would. "I really did plan on coming home , but then I just figured I needed Ross, he would be my best port of call in the moment"

"I thought you were just going on a walk to clear your head Matthew" , I really don't want to tell her everything is going to go to shit and I'm scared but maybe just , maybe, it'll make everything better if I do. But my hands are twitchy again and I'm nervous. Ross telling me "to just be honest" is running through my head on repeat.

"I need to be honest here, eh...I did go for a walk ...but um...it was for unlterior motives" , I take a moment to breath through and get myself together so I don't cry AGAIN , Jesus so much crying "I ....I...I went to get um ...went to get high"

"You smoke all the time Matthew , why did you have to leave for that , we know about that"

"Not that mum, I wish it was just that....but it wasn't just smokes, I think I have a drug problem" , I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes teetering on the edge of falling onto my face but I blink a few times to stop them. " I uh , I'm scared Mum , it's like I'm stood at the edge of a cliff and there's nothing there pulling me back to sanity until someone gives me something, I know it's bad but I'll take anything anyone gives me. It keeps me sane for a while until it dies and I slowly just feel the edge calling me back and i can't run from my thoughts and I'm not the person I want to be again, I swear I didn't mean for it to get this bad but it's just destroying me....." before I can finish my rant my mum is pulling me into a tight hug mumbling into my shoulder that's "she's going to get me help" and "that she wished she'd known sooner" and "that she's sorry" , the tears that I was holding start falling and I can't stop them and I hug her back. "You don't have to be sorry Mum , you did nothing wrong, Im scared and everything just sucks"

"Matthew love why didn't you tell anyone before , how do you feel , like really feel before you feel like you need to use again, try to be as honest as you can because this is very important and very serious"

"I can't tell you that Mum , I don't want to upset you" , I pull her closer to me to let her know that I'm not going anywhere and that I love her but I can't be that honest just yet.

"I'll never be angry at you love , you know that no matter what you tell me"

"I can't Mum , I wish I could but I can't, I just need help to feel better , feel sane, I don't wanna become that friend of a friend that people once knew you knew" , we were both just sobbing messes in the car but I really needed to tell her what happened last night so I can at least be prepared enough to tell George "but uh last night , I went out and got some stuff from a guy I know , we smoked and drank a little and we had some other stuff, but I think I took to much or something I'm not sure but...I had like a bad reaction to it I think....everything hurt and I had a really bad panic attack and I called Ross so I wasn't alone....I thought my brain was going to explode...I was so scared"

"Why didn’t you call me or your dad?"

"I thought you'd be angry at me and I couldn't deal with that in the moment , Ross helped and looked after me, I would have came home the next day but he really wanted to keep an eye on me"

"We'll I'll be keeping a closer eye on your from now on and I think, don't take this as me being angry at you but I will be grounding you but while we're home I would very much appreciate it if you talk to me more and tell me exactly what's going on in that overactive brain of yours alright"

"Yes Mum, I need to go lie down though my heads killing me still, We might need to get that seen to because I've had a headache for like a week now and it's not subsiding"

"We can get it checked for now just go in get some water and watch something on the TV, does that sound okay?" , we both get out of the car as my mum goes to the living room to set up the tv, I make my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water and at this I finally text George from my phone rather than through Ross or while playing games

Matty: hiya darlin , I know we've spoken a lot through Ross this weekend and I'm so sorry about that but I'm home now , I miss you loads though

Then make my way back down to sit on the sofa next to my mum "what we watching"

"Whatever you'd like love"

"Uh lord of the rings maybe" ,  I'm a massive nerd, I would never tell someone that I like this film on purpose but it really does bring me comfort.

"Alrighty", she sticks it on and we snuggle up to each other , as we're watching I feel like right now might be a good time to give my mum some good news about me rather than all the mess she's had to deal with over the past few days so I might just tell her about George

"Hey mum , can I tell you something, it's good don't worry" , she pulls me closer to her and we cuddle up on the sofa and I can feel her slightly nodding against my head. "I'm talking to someone, and there so lovely , they make me feel good and calm me down, and there so gorgeous, I also know that I shouldn't be with someone just cuz they make me feel good but I think I really like them and I'm really interested in them", I pause for a moment because I know my mum and I can sense when she's going to say something.

"Any reason we are avoiding name or pronouns ??" , I know she won't mind that hes a male because my grandad is a drag queen and all my family are very close with LGBT People. "Do they happen to be a boy by any chance love ?"

"They might be ", saying it out loud makes me smile and the hairs on my neck stand up and it gives me goosebumps. "Actually yes, he's a boy and his names George and I really really like him, he's so

handsome"

"I've never heard of a George before, what does he look like love ?", I pull out my phone as I search through my phone to find the picture I got of him while we were on call and when I find it I give her my phone to look. "He is very handsome love? , does he go to your school"

I shake my head a little "nah he lives in London , I met him on my game, and he's really helping me through some stuff , please don't go all mum on me though, I get your concern about meeting people online but I really trust him okay ?"

"That's okay love it's okay, if you trust him , I trust your decision, how old is he"

"He's 16, he's in year ten , so I'd assume he's nearly 17 but I'm not sure but that's okay right , I'm not 18 myself yet but it should be alright , right ?"

"It's alright my love, more than alright , he should come visit in the summer if you'd like ?" , this made me sit up right and look directly at my mum , my mouth slightly agape.

"Really?, would that be okay?"

"If you'd like that then of course he can"

"Oh my god thank you so much Mum , your the best" , I pull her into another tight hug and then we both get caught up in the film.

It was around 3 o'clock when the first film had finished, my mum got up and asked if I wanted anything to eat , I wasn't the hungry as I said earlier I feel like I'd eaten enough at Ross' that could last a century but I have to try so I asked for some soup while my mum was preparing lunch I pulled my phone out again

George: Hi love , it's okay you don't have to worry , Ross is a sound lad and he's your friend I'm glad he looks out for you , I miss you so damn much, how are you doing today though xx

Matty: I'm not doing too bad I think , Mums making lunch also you'll never guess what xx

George : that's amazing we'll done

George : what love ???

Matty: I told Mum about you and she said you can visit in the summer if you'd like? Would you like that?

George: omg no way , of course I'd love that.

I then got a Snapchat message through it's a picture of George and by Christ was I not ready for it, he's fresh out of the shower , just a picture of him in underwear water drops still adorning his chest and shoulder , he's so fit omg. I send him a text back

Matty : I'm going to be sat with my mum all day you can't be sending me that right now 🥵

George : whoops sorry 😉 , can't say you didn't like it though ay

Matty: you know I did, you know I like it when you get all flirty like that 😉

George: you gunna make me stop?

With that my mum enters the room and stops at the door slightly chuckling at me "what?"

"Is that him by any chance"

"How could you tell?"

"You face is the colour of a cherry and your nearly splitting your face in half with that smile"

"Oh , yeh that's him" , I chuckle a bit and turn my phone faced down on the sofa as she hands me the bowl full of chicken soup and I tuck in as we get the next film set up, just an afternoon of lord of the rings  and good company that's all I need.

"So, I was thinking I’ll book an appointment for Dr Adrian tomorrow and we can tell him about EVERYTHING and then we can see what he says yeh ?”

“So long as I don’t have to go to some stupid like , I don’t know rehab then yeh we can do that”

“He’ll just give us some advice on how to help you stop and we can get some general advice on how to help you , in anything not just the drugs my love and we can see where to go from there”

“Okay , can I go to my room after this is finished , I’m okay right now I promise, I just have to get some studying done”

“After this I’m sure that’ll be fine”

3 hours later the film was done the soup was discarded, I’d eaten most of it but it got cold so I couldn’t finish it , I’d gone to the bathroom as well and now I’m upstairs in my room looking over my history work while messaging George

Matty: nope I’d never ask you too stop that would just be crazy

George: that’s my boy, did you like what you saw then??

Matty: I very much did yes

George: what exactly did you like about it huh?

Flirty George was new for me and I found my self really liking it and it made me adjust myself in my seat because I suddenly felt really warm

Matty: I don’t know specifically, your just fit int’ ya

George: fit am I! , says you , what would you do if I was there right now

Matty : what’s gotten into you and what have you done with baby George 😂😂

Matty : also I don’t think you’d wanna know what I’d do

I got up from my seat and closed my door over making sure it was properly closed and flop down on my bed because I can feel this conversation taking a very sudden turn

George : Oh I would love to know , I really would, that’s why I asked

Matty: we’ll I guess you’ll never know cuz I ain’t saying.

The minute I see that George has seen the message the caller icon appears on my screen and he’s calling me so I swipe to answer and bring the phone to my ear, smiling.

“Nah man you can’t leave me like that” , he sounds a little flustered but I can tell he’s happy. Even at the sound of his voice I am immediately happy too.

“Hello to you too”

“Hi , but no seriously I wanna know what you’d do”, he chuckling a little on his end and it makes my heart melt

“Like the serious answer or the jokey one”

“Serious if your willing”

“We’ll first thing I’d do if you where here right at this minute is probably cry because you know what I’m like”, we both laugh at that because it’s honestly quite funny. “And then I’d kiss you, and I’d then ask you if it was to take your shirt off cuz I just have to see the body of yours and I’d then probably spend like ten minutes just admitting you , leaving marks on you so everyone knows your mine and yeh”

“Wow !, I’d very much into that, uh , what are you doing right now?”

“Why ?, is someone a little occupied ?”

“I just wanna …try something new…if it’s okay with you of course …I don’t wanna feel like a perv”

“Yeh?, what is it you’d like to try darlin”, I could just about tell where this was going and you know what I was so ready for it, I really wanted to do it, it might be a little weird for both of us but I’m nothing but eager.

“Uh…have you ever …ever uh…had phone sex or like done anything…while on the phone?”

“I can’t say I have no but there’s a first for everything”

“Would you like too….with me I mean?”

“Yes , I jolly well think I would”

“Jolly well , what are you 80?” , we both start laughing again because honestly sometimes with the words I use and people at school not understanding sometimes I feel like I am 80.

“Sorry go ahead, take it away?”

“Okay , are you lying down”, with that I lay down properly on my bed making sure I’m comfy and ready to start this .

“Yes I am , are you ?”, I can hear some rustling from his end but after a couple of seconds he then tells me that he is in fact also lying down .

SORRY CLIFF HANGER IM GOING TO PUT THE SMUT IN THE NEXT ONE !!!!!!

[scarletinkthelibrarian]

I love mutual pining.

I know it can get frustrating when dragged along for far longer than it should be - and with ridiculous reasons for WHY these two or more idiots still haven't kissed (wow, it's a miracle that Miraculous Ladybug didn't destroy this trope for me) - but my point is that I like that kind of hopeful, tentative waiting: the stolen glances, the "I want to tell them but what if...?", the hugs that last a bit longer than they should, maybe the surrounding friends and family that are secretly shipping and hoping these two idiots will finally cut the chase...

No wonder then than my own favorite Canon x OC ship ended up going in that direction.

(Yes, this is going to be just me babbling about my own OC, Ginny Truscott, that I ship with my favorite ninja turtle, Leonardo.)

((Yes, I still used the same Picrew image I did for the first post ever where I talked about her, I'm still not an artist and this one is pretty close to how I actually imagine her to look like.))

To start off, I think Leo is particularly well-suited for the pining trope, at least in most incarnations of his character (Rise!Leo, sternly and quietly hiding away his affection, can anyone imagine that? And let's not talk about 2012!Leo, please): he's duty-oriented, the leader of his team - pretty sure future head of the family - and also a mutant turtle that will probably never be able to live like a normal person.

Throw in the possibility for a romantic relationship and the boy would surely go all "I love you but there's too much I can't give you so I will keep it to myself and be your friend and also your guardian angel should you need me". At least if, like me, you pair him up with a regular human person who isn't part of a ninja clan or secretly superpowered or an alien/other mutant.

(There's also the issue of the love interest being possibly put in danger due to their relationship, but that could very well happen also to April or Casey or any other person not just Leo but any of his brothers could bond with even just platonically instead of romantically, so that particular point won't be discussed here.)

Point is, Leonardo is primed for falling in love with someone and deciding to hide his feelings if that someone is just a normal person.

Which is EXACTLY what Ginny is when they first meet.

Phase 1: "We definitely have feelings for each other, but we're stuck in limbo because of very serious reasons"

I never really wrote down the story of these characters, it has always been just in my head with some little ideas written down here and there, but it starts with this: Leonardo saves Ginny from some thugs, accidentally revealing himself to her, and Ginny is starstruck rather than horrified by her savior, which elicits his interest (and also boosts his ego a bit, considering the admiration comes from a pretty girl close to his age).

From here on, everything goes on pretty much like usual for this kind of stories: they become friends, Ginny (and Harper, her cousin, as well) joins the turtles' friend group and there's obviously something going on between her and Leo.

They utterly enjoy each other's presence: Leo loves Coconut - Ginny's dog -, Ginny likes to watch him spare and talks with him about ethics and philosophy, Leo as much as he can likes to meditate while Ginny plays the piano, they have a charged-up basketball match from time to time (which Leo may have tried to subtly lose on purpose). Lots of things pile up and pretty much everyone is aware that these two have the hots for each other, but nothing concrete ever happens, because Leonardo won't make a move (for the reasons above) and Ginny won't either (because she still naively thinks it's up to the guy to make the first move).

((Something she will kick herself for in the future.))

So they're stuck in a limbo and think they have all the time in the world to either get over or work on this blooming thing between them. Point is...

Phase 2: "This is the 2007's movieverse"

Leo has to leave on a pilgrimage, the Five-Fold Path. He has every intention of using this journey to focus solely on becoming a better leader for his brothers.

Knowing she won't get to see him for a very long time, Ginny confesses her feelings to him the night before he leaves and kisses him.

And Leonardo proceeds to pretending all of that never happened: he has to travel, he has to train, he has to get his head in the game... He has to let her go, because he will still be a mutant turtle when he'll get back to New York and she deserves someone who will have a normal life with her. So he writes back, but refuses to acknowledge Ginny's confession, hoping that she will move on.

Ginny, on her side, seeing how Leonardo seems to avoid replying or even just talking about that night, starts having doubts: maybe indeed it wasn't the right time to tell him how she feels, probably she just added another weight to his mind during this journey, she should have thought better, she'll apologize when he gets back.

Except the day when he should have come back arrives and he doesn't. Okay, maybe he couldn't manage. But days pass and he keeps not coming back.

And his letters are filled with apologies, saying that he still isn't ready and his training not finished, and those letters become fewer and fewer...

And Ginny finds herself pissed.

He never replied to her. He isn't coming back.

She's also scared to almost the point of tears at times because what if he's in trouble or what if one day the letters completely stop coming because he's dead?

And then she gets pissed again because Leonardo is making them worry that he may be dead and still this isn't enough for him to come back.

During this time, she surprisingly - maybe not that much - bonds with Raphael as a fellow member of the "we miss that idiot and are dealing with the feeling of abandonment by getting angry" club.

She decides to move on.

Phase 3: "Mamma mia, here I go again!"

Leonardo comes back.

(Pointing it out, both Ginny and Harper are absent during the events of the movie: the first one is away on spring break, the second is in Australia giving the definitive middle finger to her father.)

Ginny gives him the cold shoulder - but due to Raphael (who still feels guilty for the furious fight that caused his older brother to get caught by Winters' stone generals) intervening, she will take time before actually airing all her grievances to Leo.

The rose-tinted glasses they had of each other got shattered: Leonardo stopped being Ginny's perfect knight in a half-shell and suddenly Leo finds that Ginny outgrew the demure and shy angel image in his head.

It takes time for them to recover their bond (as realistically it will take for also everyone else, I really don't think defeating stone immortals was all it took to work on two years of distance) but as they do the find out...

That these changes are not unwelcome at all: Ginny can now see the struggles Leo has to go through and appreciates him all the more for it because she fully realizes how much effort he actually puts in everything; and Ginny has now fully grown in a confident, outspoken and fiercely protective young woman that Leo feels proud of.

Point is: now that they don't idealize each other anymore, they're even more attracted to each other than ever before.

And the idea of possibly starting a romantic relationship pops out again, also because...

Intermission: "While you two were busy being idiots, we were cuddling"

At this point, Donatello and Harper have been a couple for some months already, even prior to Leo coming back from Central America.

Everyone knows these two are together and they're an overtly affectionate couple of brilliant mind who like to work together and are incredibly supportive of each other (in my head I often jokingly call Harper "Donnie's cheerleader", but she actually gets the same level of encouragement back from him, just more quietly). And most of all, they found ways to work around their specie and lifestyle's differences and are happy with each other.

So, if they could do it, why can't Leo and Ginny do the same?

Phase 4: "If we tell anyone, it becomes real"

So, at some point, they slip up.

Meaning, they kiss again and this time the one who doesn't want to acknowledge it is Ginny: last time it happened, Leo left and broke her heart. What if it happens again? Not in the same way, obviously Leo isn't going anywhere anymore for a very long time, but what if one day he just decides again that she's better without him and just leaves her? He may do it with good intentions (as he already did) but that doesn't erase the fact that he would again be choosing for her instead of respecting her decision. And she doesn't know if she trusts him on that regard.

So, the kiss goes unspoken about for a while, because our blue turtle boy actually decides to respect her wishes (also thinking that maybe it was just a fluke, that it happened just because of some leftover tension between them)... But it keeps happening.

The relationship starts up as a secret: Ginny has her trust issues and Leo is still bothered by the same thoughts that stopped him from pursuing her before, but they still start seeing each other behind everyone's backs (and shells).

Point is, they're both "family-oriented" in this: if they reveal whatever they have going on to their families and friends, then it becomes a real relationship and they're still too weighed by doubts and insecurities to take that step. They're basically like Barney and Robin from "How I Met Your Mother" (minus the sex because to know how to make it work properly between them they should ask Donnie and Harper and that would mean basically spilling the beans and end up in a very embarassing conversation).

((They're actually not that good at hiding anything, since pretty much everyone actually has some suspicions.))

(((Raph does confront Leo about it, having grown to love Ginny like a sister, but aside from warning his older brother against breaking her heart again he still decides to let them handle this between themselves.)))

Phase 5: "Finally they get together FOR REAL!"

With the Foot Clan active in New York again and shady activities going on in the city (following events loosely based on the cancelled sequels to the 2007 movie), one night the turtles find themselves facing against their old enemy again and Leo does as all Leo do and ends up seriously injuried.

(Little note here: Rosalyn, Harper's mother and Ginny's aunt and legal guardian, knows about the turtles and, being a surgeon, helps them whenever she can, like in this case.)

Cue in Ginny basically deciding to glue herself to his side until he wakes up (I know, cliché, but hey, I'm a sucker for this scenario), coming to realize, in the days that Leonardo takes to recover, that she almost lost him and that she doesn't want to keep being stuck in a limbo where this could happen again and they never gave their relationship a proper chance.

Leonardo has a similar moment of realization after waking up, especially due to Donatello saying to him (while Ginny finally takes a break) that "no one regrets anything that made them really happy".

(Same words Rosalyn told him when he and Harper first got together to give them her blessing.)

So, once Leo fully recovers, he and Ginny get officially together, with everyone else giving out a collective "FINALLY!".

Wheeeeew, I'm done!!!

I admit it, I wrote this down while having a surge of "I absolutely want to speak about this oc x canon ship of mine", all in one go, and I'm posting immediately before losing nerve, GO!!!

[xunandran]

Tease Tidbit Tuesday

Haven't posted anything in a while because I've been working really hard, both at work, and on one of my fics that's started getting to the good bits.

So here's some words I was playing around with for a 911 themed Beauty and the Beast retelling. Not sure if I'll actually pursue it, but I thought it was neat to dip into for a bit.

Enjoy.

“You shouldn’t do that. The master expressly forbids anyone from being in this area of the building.” The small hen timer clucked along behind Buck as he walked, his fingers tracing along the boarded up windows of the space. Buck’s eyes lit up with devious glee. “Well now I’m even more curious than before. Don’t worry. We’ll be in and out before he even suspects a thing.” The little device shuddered, ticking nervously as it followed along. “He’ll know. He always knows.” Buck paid the nervous appliance no mind as he ambled down the hallway. How strange that the fantastical nature of a talking timer was already seeming commonplace to him. He smudged away the thick layer of dust on a portrait. Three people, possibly a family. All of the faces and the recognizable features had been clawed away, leaving only ribbons of canvas dangling from the stately frame. The longer he focused on the damaged portrait, the more nervous the timer seemed to get, clucking low and pacing to and fro beside him. Buck pointed further down the hall. “What’s that?” At the end, two large oaken doors stood side by side. One, the furthest, was stained dark, near black in the dim light. Large gashes tore along the edge where the knob used to be, as if large, clumsily angry claws had no patience for mastering its use. But for how interesting that door was, it was the one before it that truly had Buck’s interest piqued. It stood the same as the further, dark stained oak. But unlike the damaged one, this one was pristine, save for the thick layer of dust that implied its disuse. Large planks of wood were nailed into the door frame along the bulk of the door, leaving only the top and bottom visible. Buck noted that, since the door opened inward, if he could remove the bottom plank, he could get crawl through. Hen clucked low and shivered, a small shrill bell like chime. “That room is expressly forbidden. I don’t know what’s in there. We’re not allowed.” Buck sat on the dusty floor in front of the door. After bracing his feet on either side of the frame, he grabbed the lowest plank and pulled. “Are you crazy?” Hen’s voice was barely audible over the groaning squeal of old nails pulling from wood.

Buck tossed the plank aside and angled himself so he could reach between the barrier and the door. He fished for the knob, blindly groping. Motes tickled at his nose, and he could feel the dust smear against his face as he pressed against the wood. “Your master is a beast, and I am his prisoner. If what’s behind here gives me any sort of explanation why, then I want to know.” His fingertips closed along cold iron and he wriggled the latch until a dull click filtered through the space. The large door opened inward with a loud creak. Buck peered into the blanket of darkness, searching for anything, but no light passed into the space beyond. He grabbed Hen and twisted her. “What are you doing?” Her yelp reverberated down the empty hall. “Setting a timer. Wait out here.” “That was the plan,” Hen huffed. She crossed her wings and glared at Buck. It was hard to take her seriously, one with her being a hen timer, and two with her ticking intermittently. “You should stay out here too. You don’t know what could be in there.” “I’m hoping answers,” Buck whispered as he shimmied on his belly into the yawning dark beyond. Buck pawed his hand against the wall next to the door until he felt the light switch. Flipping it proved useless, just like the rest of the decrepit building. He wished that he’d brought that annoying lamp with him, but it was too late now. He stutter-stepped deeper into the black space. His outstretched left hand brushed against a surface of some kind. A table, maybe a desk. He could feel the dust pool against his fingers as they pressed against the surface. A dim, multi-colored light pulsed from beside his hand. He crept his fingers toward the pulsing kaleidescope. Soft cloth, maybe velvet, pooled beneath his hand. He gently pulled the cover, illuminating a small Christmas tree under a glass dome. The small lights of the tree twinkled in reds, blues, greens and purples, illuminating a small corner of the room. Buck leaned down to get a better look at the replica tree. Silverly tinsel garnished the bulk of the branches, reflecting the glittering lights. Little homemade strands of garland - five popcorn to one cranberry - wrapped around and danced with the lights. Various ornaments finished up the small festive decoration. The lights, however, interested him most, for at the bottom of the tree, where there should be the most, none of the lights appeared to work, as if all of their bulbs had gone out. Next to the tree was a down turned picture frame. Shards of glass from the broken cover clattered onto the desk like icicles as Buck picked it up to take a closer look. Festive Christmas lights illuminated a small, smiling boy with large curls and a woman with wavy brown hair and bangs. They appeared to be at the beach, the ocean tide easily visible behind them. The small hen timer in the hallway rang an alarm, catching Buck’s attention. “He’s coming! Get out of there!”

[themidnightcleric]

TW death, transphobia, blatant suicidality, ableism, terrible thoughts u should not indulge

vent post

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..I actually don't think no one loves me. I just fundamentally believe they're wrong and will inevitably be disappointed when they discover I am a husk person not a real human being and that's my fate and believe or not most of this is related to ADHD bc I can't fix it or stick with anything and all the meds make me sick so I feel doomed to do fuck all until I rot and die. Every time I get hopeful my body betrays me. Fucking MCAS.

Icannot emphasize enough that I will take myself out of at least run off into the woods to try and live like an animal, if something does not change in the next 2 years to make it possible for me to exist in society. Like getting disability j guess would help. I am a dog. Not a person. I cannot give anymore.

it is not worth living this way. Every day is an endless punishment for all the things I cannot do and at this point the pit is so deep i will not get out.

And so like posting in this way and alienating myself are a way of pushing everyone out but simultaneously hoping somehow the cry for help will reach someone who can genuinely help me. I know this isn't me, this isn't the bigger spirit that animates me speaking this is the thing that wants to kill me, but can't even show itself to the people who say they love me. We have seen too much and the desire to destroy something significant is getting stronger. I guess this is an admission I understand su*cide bombers and crave going out burning a bank or a church or a detention center. simultaneously a desperate plea for someone to show me some kind of other way that isn't this plodding, hesitating half life. Two of my friends before I left my home state told me I should have been dead by now. I know what they meant and it's great I am alive but I don't see a future other than death. It's so close, so intimate. I go to sleep with death every night waiting for her. The funny thing is not many people I know closely have died. If they had it actually might be easier like I could live for them. But instead it feels like I'm the one who is supposed to die. I live with that every day and I know I'm not the only one but with everything that's happening I no longer can believe things will get better. I'm just trying to do as much good as I can before it comes for me. I don't see anyone who really needs me here. Or wants me bad enough to merit staying. Like it's all pipe dreams, could have beens, obligations. Fake. In the clouds.

I haven't been real since I was a kid.

I'm sorry y'all. I'm really sorry. I don't know if it will even matter when it happens. Like a candle burning out. Who is gonna notice beyond another little wave of sad posts. Currently I'll probably be buried by my family as a woman. They'll say it was inevitable. I was always so mentally unwell. Kill me and blame me for it.

I have so many ideas and so much passion but no discipline for it and frankly I feel like a piece of paper god put a sketch on and crumpled up and threw away. Like that episode of Gravity Falls where Dipper clones himself and there's a Glitch Dipper who everyone sort of feels bad for until he dies. Two headed calf. All I have ever tried to be is kind while people saw more in me than I could give or sustain. At least I got to see the stars.

My soul is good but it can't live here on this plane right now. It doesn't want to. All the people I love are fighters who metabolize everything into medicine and power for the future or at least stick around hedonistically. I am not built like that. I find no pleasure in pleasure. I am weak and too fragile to exist by myself and at every turn am reminded of this. I try to play it off as kink or funny but really, I don't think anyone can survive the level of self erasure that my system has developed.

My friend keeps telling me to play Disco Elysium but it's 40 dollars and I have to save all my $ for gas and credit card payment. To be responsible. Why do I even fucking care. I'm scared if I stop caring anymore I will just let go and become fully catatonic.

Hopefully this is rock bottom and somehow I will bounce up into a new perspective tomorrow. I pushed myself into burnout because all this messaging online about Palestine and genocide is like you aren't doing enough and that really really works against my ability to do anything like the PDA I cannot help and have been fighting my whole life to just like, brush my teeth. I can't watch these people beg for help and so many turn away in hatred and then not even make phone calls. I am trying to look for the helpers but I think the fascists want to kill all of us.

It's gonna take a miracle to get through this winter. I wish I could show somebody how desperate I feel. The pills are right there. I never get rid of them. I could do it tonight. But I won't.

I don't know how long you have to scream for help. I don't think it helps anyone. People fall down the spiral. Maybe there is something to live for for others but for me, it's all conjecture. I have full responsibility to bring about everything that I could live for. If I give up, it doesn't happen. If I give up, the good things in this world go on without me. No one ever knew me really. I feel so fundamentally separated & invisible.

I'm mad I feel this way and am wasting my life talent and time. I am tired of being depressed and low key a shitty friend. I am ready for God to take me and use me for some new form of life that has a fighting chance to be something.

If only that weren't just a delusion. I wanted my life to mean something and leave a mark but at the end of the day this voice tells me it's not even worth that, that no one will remember me.

Pathetic. Jesus. How do you fight this.

I'm tired.

I'll keep fighting another day at a time. But there's no way to be okay right now. I have to live with this person the world has made me into and let go of who we could have been with more love.