#i have to wake up at like 3:30-4am to get to my clinicals on time

[paidinbrains]

how to become a night shower person without completely breaking my spirit

[missjackil]

My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4. 

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!” one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help. 

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts. 

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both?  Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so”  Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and  was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit. 

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs. 

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt. 

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane. 

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting. 

[udnursingsa2019]

Final Blog

As I sit on the plane at 4AM eating my Aero bar (a South African delicacy), tiny moments of the last five weeks keep popping into my head. I think about entering JFK airport feeling nauseous and anxious about leaving the country for so long, seeing familiar faces but not having a clue if I would become close friends with any of them. I think about arriving to the Team House at Noordhoek and being greeted with Jeremy’s speech — he told us we could not save Africa but if we could make a difference in one person’s life, we are doing something worthwhile. I think about being apprehensive for the first clinic day expecting to feel a little lost, until I realized the sisters are some of the kindest people ever and are so willing to teach/ask for help at the same time. I think about the look of pure joy on a group of teenage girls’ faces after some peers and I taught sex/relationship-education at school — they’d always had the questions but never had the opportunity to talk to someone to get the answers, and seeing that we made some of that difference makes my heart warm. And I think about the town Soweto, and a celebration between two different cultures as we sat in a circle with local adults and had a productive conversation about the effects of apartheid and global politics, and afterwards we had a dance party. It’s that “connected” feeling that makes me think we have been making positive impacts on the people we’ve met because the people of South Africa have absolutely touched our hearts forever. Many of them live by the phrase “Ubuntu” which means “I am because we are” — they learned it from the animals who work together as packs — I think that just shows the full circle of how Africa is the one of the best places on earth.

Our last night was difficult but cathartic and necessary. After our last delicious safari dinner we all went around in a circle and stated our roses (our favorite parts of the trip), our thorns (least favorite) and our buds (what we can grow from). Many of the roses included the community days where we bonded with people of all ages and helped out in schools or kitchens/workshops, such as the reusable pads training day where we got to work together with so many women. Others mentioned the Soweto township day or their best experience in clinical (like when Carly V. and Sara delivered a baby and placenta!), and some mentioned their favorite excursions like skydiving. Thorns were when things got emotional — sometimes it’d be something funny like treacherously hiking Table Mountain or getting a stomach bug, but others rightfully wanted to let out emotions about something they’d seen in clinical that they wish they could’ve done more for, such as the group that experienced the death of a preterm baby born at home who probably would have lived if the clinic had the appropriate resources. Other thorns included the guilt we feel when we realize how privileged many of our lives are, and the overwhelming lack of knowing what to do in response when we see how many people need help. I believe this trip made many of us second-guess our career choices and what we want to make of our lives; for certain this trip has inspired lots of us to give back more and if we can’t go back to Africa and help the people there, there are ways we can help at home. Many of us turned our thorns into buds because lots of the bad things we experience are ways to make us grow. But lots of us also mentioned for buds the friends we have made and just the beauty of the world and all the people in it, as we have seen the strength in the people of South Africa as well as the strength in each other. I have made lots of new friendships that I have no doubt will last throughout our last semester and post-graduation. Though we’re a group with a bunch of different personality traits, we bring out the best in each other and have such a fun dynamic that never gets old — I can’t count the amount of long car rides and late nights (even though we would wake up at the crack of dawn almost every day) spent talking and laughing for hours on end with my new friends. It really is so special to have these meaningful bonds during our last year as nursing students, because we need each other!

There are many people worthy of “thank you’s” and I will start with ourselves, because we were the ones who decided to apply to go to South Africa and had the courage to actually go through with it, and for me it was the best decision I’ve ever made. Thank you to my peers for making this trip so meaningful and unforgettable, through all the laughs and tears. I really am so proud of everyone for making this the best experience possible and constantly lifting each other up. And I’d also like to thank my parents and all the other parents who allowed us to go on the trip (we know it wasn’t easy) and helped out with some expenses.

I’d like to give a shout-out to our drivers, Roy and Sibusisu, who turned out to be more than drivers — they became friends. We will miss Roy’s sarcastic sense of humor and charm, and we’ll miss Sibu’s quiet, sweet presence. They are two of the most hardworking men and seriously deserve a medal for boundlessly dealing with 30 21-year-old girls!

Rowan and Bari have also been blessings to us — we wouldn’t have survived the trip if it weren’t for their constant direction, reliability and support. Rowan made sure everything went smoothly at all times and was in a tough position to be TA as a senior; we give her lots of credit for all she could help us with through her L&D/cultural knowledge and experience. Bari has been an inspiration to all of us, as she’s lived, worked and volunteered in South Africa before and we can see first-hand how wonderful of a human being she is/has become through her experiences. So thank you guys!

Lisa — thank you for making this trip happen and for being willing to take so many of us — I know it’s not easy to lug 30 students to another continent. I give you so much praise for making this trip happen year after year, building upon what you’ve learned from past trips but always introducing new ideas. You have always been someone we can look up to and this trip further proved how you truly inspire us to be the people/nurses that we want to be — not what a structured nursing program/basic American society tells us to be. You’ve taught us to follow our guts and our dreams and that life is too short to only do one kind of job in a place we don’t feel we’re thriving. You also have successfully spread the word about Mother Nature and natural childbirth — I would trust any of us to teach about or facilitate a physiologic birth and it’s all thanks to you.

And last but not least, thank you to Jeremy. When I met Jeremy, I had heard good things and he seemed nice and cool and funny, but I didn’t really think anything would come of him being there besides being our tour guide. But he was so much more than that. He became a close friend to many of us. He worked towards making this trip a life-changing, monumental experience for everyone. If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be able to dig deeper and work to find the meaningful takeaways behind all the experiences we’ve had. He encouraged the group to really spend time together and support each other, because he knew we’d need it. He was a shoulder to cry on when we had a hard day, and a person to run to when we had a funny story because his laugh can just make our day. His life story and his presence are so uplifting that he’s touched each and every one of us and has inspired us all to be ourselves, make good choices that build our ultimate destiny, and cut out all negativity. Thank you for making us all better people, Jer. We truly will never forget you and can’t wait for you to come to the U.S. one day.

Now we’re all exhausted with puffy eyes from crying either last night or at the airport saying bye to Jeremy, but we’re excited to see our families.....and not quite ready to go to school in just a few days. Luckily we have a whole group of us to lift one another up during this period of post-study-abroad depression, but after a few weeks our lives will probably return to normal. So we must continue for weeks, months, years down the road to remember what it felt like to be in Africa, reflect upon the connections we built, and never forget the lessons we learned. We’re back in America, but Africa has never left us.

-       Annie Sienrukos <3 

[weakeninghope]

Kiss me (whispering words of love) chapter 2

Pairing: Ash Lynx/Eiji Okumura

Rating: Teen

AO3 link here

Summary: Eiji and Ash meet to talk about Eiji's pictures and end up talking about everything but Eiji's pictures.Or: their first "date-not-a-date"

Notes: "It'll be up this week" I said, replying a comment todayhahahello I'm back! your local authour is way too anxious and is in love with this project and wants to write as much as possible about it! I'm really excited about sharing it with you guys and I really want to thank you for your support in last chapter, I'm really glad you like this idea <3 and stay tuned, there next open mic night is next chapter! We'll have another round of Sing vs The Stool, make your bets.See you next chapter <3Song referenced is Light your heart up by Aimee Blackschleger! (or Mako's theme from Kill la Kill) I think it really suits Eiji

new chapter under the cut!

Despite having come home late that night -for a good reason though- Eiji woke up at 8AM. He had been taking a lot of naps frequently, going to sleep at 4AM and waking up at noon; but that time he woke up instantly, Ash being the first thing in his mind. That night, he dreamed about his song. He dreamed about the two of them, together, holding each other in a secret place only they knew about.

Get a grip on yourself, Eiji.

Has he texted me yet? Eiji thought as he grabbed his phone from the nightstand, since he was still in the bed.

He hadn't. The last message was from Eiji himself, a reply to Ash's “see you tomorrow at 5PM, Mr.Photographer, don't forget the camera ;)”. It took Eiji a few minutes to prepare himself to write an answer. He had imagined Ash winking and his mind had crashed like his old computer would do every time he wanted to use it. In the end, he settled for a “I sure won't, Mr Fancy Singer.”.

Seconds after hitting the “send” button Eiji had already felt embarrassed. Was that too bold? Ash hadn't answered what if he was angry or if that was a joke and he wasn't interested in meeting Eiji at all? What if-

Ibe's coughs broke the turmoil in Eiji's mind. He was still pretty sick and even though he slept well through the night, he woke up a few times, feeling congested and with a runny nose. Eiji didn't mind taking care of him but the other way around; he liked being useful to his boss and most importantly, his friend.

Ibe had helped him to cope with his feelings. Ibe brought him there.

It was thanks to Ibe that he was going to have a d- to meet with Ash that afternoon.

“Ei-chan, I see you're up.” Ibe-san said in between a few dry coughs. “How was yesterday night?”

“It was nice” Eiji said as he got out of bed, stretched his arms and then yawned a little. “But we can talk about it later, I'll change your towel for now and make breakfast, you just rest, okay?” Eiji gently told his boss as he approached him and replaced the old towel with a new, fresh one. The cool feeling of the towel would make Ibe-san's burning forehead feel better.

“I'd like to see the pictures you've taken.” Ibe-san said, gently smiling at Eiji. A snort escaped the Japanese's lips when he remembered Cain the pop-star, the shorty rivaling a stool, the glaring snake and...

Ash.

He blushed when he came to his mind. He looked at the time. 8:30 in the morning. Still no response.

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. It was just a particularly special night. I'll tell you when you're better, now rest.”

After that, Ibe-san complied and didn't say anything else as Eiji went to the kitchen to start preparing some Japanase food they both loved for breakfast. He decided to stick with some natto, but he also cooked a porridge for Ibe-san to eat. He made extra natto for himself, he loved it way too much, and it was healthier than all the greasy American food they sold there.

The morning went by slowly for Eiji, since he was checking the phone every 5 minutes to see if Ash had replied, even if he had the sound on and would notice if someone talked to him anyway.

Until a few hours later, when Eiji was getting ready to cook lunch, he heard the phone.

It was a text from Ash.

Eiji's heart was beating fast in his chest, and it did even more when he read the text.

“Sorry, I crashed into the bed and I've just woken up. See you in a few hours.” it said. Eiji exhaled a sigh of relief. He wasn't angry after all, his anxiety disappeared with one simple text.

Eiji carefully typed his reply “At least you're up now, don't be late!! :D” Eiji wondered if the emoji was too stupid but he would come off as rude or too demanding without it, he just hoped for Ash not to think something weird-

“I certainly won't” was Ash's replying text.

Why was he so smooth even by text? How was Eiji supposed to compete with that?

Never mind. He had to make lunch, to eat, to dress up and to mentally prepare himself about meeting Ash. He felt like a middle-schooler thinking about their first crush.

Okay maybe when he met Ash and when he heard him the world stopped and his heart was beating fast and for a few seconds he couldn't even take a picture because he wanted this memory to be his and his alone and wanted to capture it with his eyes instead of using the camera and-

Okay, he totally had a crush on Ash, but that was okay, people have crushes, it doesn't have to be mutual.

But what if it was mutual?

Eiji combusted again, and time flied until he had to dress himself up for the meeting. He told Ibe-san he was off to show some pictures to one of the singers (which was half true, but he hoped that Ash said that as an excuse to meet him).then grabbed the camera and left the apartment, the cafe was around the corner so he was sure he wouldn't be late.

The Japanese dressed himself up as he usually did, nothing fancy, he didn't want a lit sign in his forehead saying “I'm trying to impress my crush”, but he dressed up pretty okay so he figured out nothing would happen if he didn't choose any special clothing.

He regretted his choices later when he saw Ash. When Eiji arrived, the blond was already there. Ash was sitting at the background of the establishment, and there were only 4 people, so they were pretty much alone. He was wearing a plaid, green shirt which was a little bit oversized, but you could see his lean, noticeable collarbones, a pair of slightly ripped jeans and red Converse-like shoes.

There he was, dressed up like a street kid and looking handsome as hell.

Ash made a sign with his hand as Eiji got closer to the table and then he said “Here, Eiji.” soothingly.

Wait. How did he even know his name?

“Hello, singer who apparently knows my name even though I didn't tell you.” Eiji replied.

“Shorter told me. We're friends, in fact, I sang yesterday because he was pretty insistent about my good singing voice.”

“Well, he is right” More than right

“So you liked my performance?” Ash asked in a sing-song tone. “You asked me that yesterday.” Eiji said, but he didn't mind answering Ash's question again because even if asked a million times, he would always say the same “I loved it.”

“That's good to know.” Ash said “But you didn't throw money in the hat” Ash finished in a fake retort.

Shoot! The hat! In those kind of events, there's always this “pass the hat” thing where you throw donations for the singers if you liked their performance, but Eiji was way too distracted and ended up forgetting about it...

“You're right, I'm so sorry! I was so distracted with taking the pictures that the idea didn't even cross my mind... I can make it up to you by treating you to what you want to drink or eat here, though.” Eiji apologized.

“Well, if you insist, Eiji.” Eiji gulped at how his name sounded in Ash's voice “I won't refuse your offer” He said.

“So what brought you here?” He continued.

“Well... I don't know if Shorter told you, but my boss is sick and I came here in his stead to take the job. Even though I didn't manage it as I thought I would. The kid battling a stool was... beyond my expectations” A muffled laughter accompanied Eiji's response.

“Oh, you mean Sing. It's the first time this place holds this kind of event but every time he comes here with his friends someone has to hold him from kicking the stools near the counter, I figured out this would happen.” Ash explained. God, his voice was amazing, it drew Eiji in, he couldn't stop listening, he couldn't stop staring at his deep, green eyes. He was thoroughly delighted.

“Like what you see?” Ash mockingly asked “Since you staring so much”

“Ah! Sorry, I spaced out hearing you talk... I really like your voice.” Oops. That slipped.

“You like it but you don't give a poor singer like me some money to pay for his expenses, so mean, Eiji...” Ash pouted.  Even though Eiji knew it was a joke, Ash's pout was something he wanted to take a picture of. And he had the camera in his bag. God, that was so tempting.

“I told you I forgot!” Eiji half shouted, jockingly.

“Right, right. I know. So why photography?”

Ash looked genuinely interested about Eiji's job and the reasons behind it and Eiji couldn't believe himself. The conversation paused when Shorter came to take note of their orders; Ash ordered a cappuccino and Eiji ordered a green tea. Before leaving, Shorter gave Ash a pat on the back and whispered something to Ash's ear, so Eiji couldn't hear it, and Ash clicked his tongue.

“What was it?” Eiji asked “Do you have to talk to him about something important?” He asked, in spite of Shorter being in the counter already.

“Nah, he was just being a dick. Now tell me.” Ash insisted, a glint of excitement in his beautiful green eyes.

“I used to be a pole-vaulter in Japan but I got injured and everything was over in a second, so my boss took me here with him months ago because he saw I was feeling down. In fact, I got diagnosed with clinical depression after my injury. Pole-vaulting was the only thing I liked, I devoted my life to it, it was the only thing I was useful at and when I was pole-vaulting I felt... like I was flying.” Eiji rambled. Crap! What if Ash got bored?

“I see. I envy you if you know how to fly.”

“I don't anymore. I envy you because you made me fly with your voice. You got rid of my broken wings and I think... I'm stronger now” Eiji gently said. He trusted what he was saying. He meant it. He really meant it and would say it a million times if Ash needed to hear it.

“This wings thing sounds like a song line”

“How did you know it? It isn't even popular. Yes, it's from a song called Light your heart up, it cheered me up a lot when I felt down.”

“You know what?” They paused for a second, Shorter came with their orders and since they were too hot to drink, they continued their little talk “I completely understand what you feel. But I never had wings in the first place. I was born in a cage. My mother left when I was born, my father neglected both myself and my older brother, so when he turned 18, I began living with him. He's a novelist, but he's not having much luck right now with finding an editor so he pretty much does odd jobs, we live in a crappy apartment and I thought I could earn so money if I followed Shorter's idea. I rarely do what Shorter's advises me to, since inside his bald head -I know it surprised you, but yes, he's bald, he shaved his head- there's a lot of ridiculous ideas. But this one was good” Ash explained as one of his hands slipped across the table to clasp Eiji's. “Since I met you.”

Since I met you. Since I met you.

Eiji was left agape, but he intertwined his fingers with Ash's, and at that moment, he decided he wanted to desperately know more about him, he decided that he wanted to listen to his voice without this sad shift in it when he was talking about his past. He had suffered enough already.

“It must have been tough.”

“It was. It is. But I can't do much about it.”

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead”

“Is your real name Ash Lynx?”

“Oh, no. It's a nickname, I actually want to become a singer. I like music, I listen to almost every genre, I like the feeling it conveys and how it makes people feel.” Ash stated with a soft smile. His love for music could be perceived in what Eiji decided was a melody by itself.

“Before you ask me about it” Ash said “It's Aslan. Aslan Jade Callenreese.”

“It sounds like a meaningful name. I like it.”

“Aslan is for “day-break”, it means so in Hebrew, since I was born at dawn. Jade is for the color of my eyes. Nothing special” Ash deadpaned.

“It is more special than Eiji Okumura.” Eiji said, and he added something, feeling bold and rubbing his thumb over Ash- Aslan's hand “And it does you justice, since you're so bright.” However, Eiji couldn't contain the soft blush that appeared in his cheeks, so he turned his head to aside for the other boy not to notice.

“Oh” Aslan raised an eyebrow “Do I light your heart up?” He teasingly asked

“The important question here is if you want me to do so- of if I light yours up” Eiji let go. He didn't know if he wanted an answer. The possibility of a yes set his cheeks ablaze and his heart could be able to beat a mile a minute but the possibility of a no made him feel like something wasn't working; that his wings were, indeed, broken.

“Hey, I'm an amateur singer, not a lightning technician” Ash claimed with a laugh. Another soft sound Eiji would treasure forever.

“Now that you say so, I really worried about your sound technician yesterday, I thought the stool could have hit him”

“Yeah, we all thought so. Shorter too. He started calling him Bones since that moment; Shorter gives nicknames to everyone, you're probably the next in line.” Ash chided while throwing a menacing-not-menacing glare to Shorter, who didn't seem to notice.

“I see.”

“Eiji-”

Ash was interrupted by the loud ring of Eiji's phone. Carefully, he took it out of his bag and answered Ibe-san's phone call. Apparently they had ran out of meds and his fever had gotten a little bit worse and the cafe was already closing and-

Good lord for how many hours had they been talking? It seemed like 5 minutes! They had spent the whole afternoon talking and he discovered a lot of interesting facts about the boy; he was two years younger and was afraid of pumpkins -as ridiculous as it sounded- but that time 5 minutes-likeish was the best time of his last years even though he felt he didn't deserve such a talented angel because Eiji was mediocre and his photos weren't even cool-

“Ei-chan?” He heard Ibe-san weakly ask from the other line of the phone. He had spaced out again. It happened with a lot of frequency, he tended to get lost in his thoughts, intrusive thoughts mostly when something good was happening to him.

Snap out of it, Eiji. Blanca told you that the fact that you even make it out of bed every day is something to be proud of. There's always a path to keep walking on, and you're not alone this time.

“Yes, sorry. I'll be back in a second with what you asked me. Hang in there!” Eiji replied as he hung his phone in a rush.

When he was about to got up from the chair he noticed that he was still holding Aslan's hand and if he wanted to get up he had to let go.

Oh, he didn't want to lot go.

“Got to leave?” Aslan casually asked.

“Yeah. My boss's fever's gotten worse and I've got to go take care for him and Shorter's glaring at us like he wants to kick us out.”

“He's a jerk, don't mind it” Ash said as -unfortunately for Eiji- he let his hand go and got up.

“I'll walk you to the door”.

When they made it out of the cafe they were silent for a minute, neither nothing what to say or what to do. Everything had been so intense; Aslan really felt like Eiji had lit his heart up even if Eiji didn't know it, and Eiji felt so happy he could die.

Or maybe not, because he wanted to meet with Aslan again, so he talked to make up another excuse.

“In the end we spent all the time talking nonsense and I didn't show you the pictures I took of you. Want me to show them to you tomorrow?” Eiji shyly asked. Please say yes. Please say yes.

“Tomorrow is their day off” Aslan pointed at the cafe “But we can meet on Tuesday” He then told Eiji with a soft, gentle, warm smile, as warm as the sun in early autumn's day afternoon, even though they had spent the whole afternoon holed inside a cafe and it was pretty late at that moment.

“And we can keep texting” Eiji said. Ash eyed him curiously “That is, if you don't mind” Eiji said, lowering his head.

Suddenly, he felt Aslan's hand on his head, lifting it. Then his beautiful, soft hand, the ones which holded the mic with grace the night before, traveled around his face and ended up on his hand again.

“Your hand is warm, Eiji.” Aslan whispered. And okay, text me when you get home, so I know you got home safely” He said with a smirk even though he knew Eiji was, in fact, two years older than him and that he lived literally five minutes away from where they were standing.

“Fine, I will.”

And then he let Aslan's hand- he kept calling him Ash in his mind, but he hoped that he can start getting to know the person behind his singing, which was already amazing. He wondered if Aslan composed songs of his own, too.

After a quick walk, Eiji got home, and after a long hour of nursing Ibe-san and watching TV without any text message from Aslan, he received a message from him:

“We left a question unanswered. You light my heart up. Do I light yours?”

Eiji screamed.

Of fucking course the answer was the biggest yes in his entire life.

[airacuddles]

LABOR AND BIRTH STORY

This COVID 19 pandemic has caused a lot of inconvenience to the people. Especially to senior citizens, minors, persons with immunodeficiency, comorbidies, and health risks; and pregnant women. Above mentioned are at high risk in getting the virus.

Last October 3 on my prenatal check up, I was advised to get a swab test before I was due. As per hospital protocols, pregnant women should have a negative swab test result first before delivery. If not, mama and baby will be joined with other people (covid positive or not) upon delivery. This is just sad because we won't really know when a pregnant woman could deliver the baby.

My expected due date was November 7. But from hearsays, first babies are usually born later than expected due date. Just like Reynald's baby was. So I estimated to have the swab test scheduled on October 29 at Vicente Sotto for free. Obgyne's suggestions for swab were at APM mall near SM City Cebu and at UC Med Mandaue. But swab tests were costing 7k and 5k, respectively. Jeez. So much inconvenience.

The obgyne said she can only be there for her patients when admitted at St Vincent General Hospital. It is the only one of her three affiliated hospitals that does not accept Covid patients. So that's where we planned to get admitted.

I was also advised for prenatal visit on October 17. That was already my 37th week of pregnancy. I have searched that pregnanct mothers can already give a normal delivery at that week. The obgyne said she was also going to perform IE on me on that visit.

So on that day, I thought performing IE's would be thru a device inserted down there. Turns out, it was just pure fingering down there 😭 mind you, Jan and I havent had any contact all throughout the pregnancy. And right now, I am being fingered. It hurt. I felt virgin. Lols. But it did hurt 😂😭 like vaginal shock.

The doctor said my cervix was still closed. I need to have it opened already. The earlier the delivery, the better, so that the baby does not grow too much while inside the tummy, to avoid caesarean delivery. The doctor prescribed me Evening Prim Rose oil to help open up my cervix and expecting at least 1 cm opening by the next week.

The next week October 24, I visited the obgyne again. Cervix was still closed. She advised to double dose the primrose oil to be taken morning and night. I was advised again to visit on October 30 if I still havent had the delivery yet.

After the prenatal visit, Jan and I moved to his Aunt's house.

During pregnancy, I usually wake up atleast twice at night to pee. I also get super thirsty at night 🤷‍♀️

But on October 27, 2020, at 11:30pm, I woke up to pee and then drank atleast 1 glass full of water. This, I found to be normal and usual.

Then around 1:30am Oct 28, I woke up again to pee. And drank another half glass of water just to satisfy the thirst. I know I shouldn't keep drinking to avoid peeing a lot, right? But I was always thirsty at night.

At 2:30am, I had a little accident of peeing a little but stopped it before peeing all the way at the CR. I noticed my pee color was a bit cloudy. It wasn't normally like that. I have made research before about gush of water bag. It only said the color would be the same as pee. The definite sign is when the pee smells metallic. I dont really breathe thru my nose when Im inside the CR, but this time, I had to because it was a bit suspicious. But I smelled nothing. But when I came back to bed, I suddenly felt like pooping. I drank half a glass of water again.

At 2:54am, the sudden urge to pee again and this time, it was really hard to hold it. The pee has flown while I stood. I woke Jan up because I wasn't sure about it anymore. Then I went to CR to finish peeing. It still was cloudy but there was no odor. And the feeling of wanting to poop was still there and my back hurt like how my back hurts when I have my period. Jan wiped the pee on the floor. I felt so greatful he wasn't grossed out about it. Or maybe he did, but didn't show it 🥺❤️

I felt really worried about it already so I texted my obgyne at 3:27am of what happened. Jan and I just thought maybe it was just really pee. But there's still little trickles of pee, so I wore a sanitary napkin already. And this time, I didn't drink water just to be sure it wasn't because I kept drinking water.

At 6am, my obgyne called. She informed me that it was really water bag rupture. She told me to go to the hospital already but then I wasn't swabbed yet. So she told me to go to UC Med for swab since UC Med and St Vincent Hospitals are sister hospitals. After swabbing, she advised for me to go to her clinic at 3-4pm for an IE just to be sure it was already the water bag rupture.

We then went to UCMed at 8am together with Ate Ana. My stomach already hurts every once in a while.

When we got back home, the hurt becomes a little stronger. So I texted the obgyne if I could visit the clinic sooner. The doctor said we could visit at 1pm.

When we arrived, I got IE'd and the doctor confirmed it really was the water bag rupture but I was still at 1cm. Like omgggg. Everything felt so real already. But at the same time, I was really worried because as per doctor's experience with other patients, it takes 1 week to open up to atleast 6cm. Like, whaaaat is going on here? 😭

We then went straight to St Vincent General Hospital and arrived at 2pm. But I was still placed at the Out Patient Department as we were advised to wait before endorsed to the Labor Room for the swab result from UCmed to avoid bigger costs of the attendants' PPE. They also called UCMed to follow up results, UCMed said they would try to have the result given by 5pm. Wew. Another 3hrs of pain. I was advised when it hurts, I just had to breathe thru mouth. I was constantly asked for the intervals of pain. It was still at about 10-15mins.

At 5pm, they called UCMed again. Unfortunately, they moved the time to 9pm or 10pm. Like whaaaat, another 4-5hrs of pain! Jan was with me at the OPD. His face concerned and caring. Like, this is another part of Jan I haven't seen yet. I was so happy 🥺❤️😭

At around 9pm, I wanted to pee. When I peed, I noticed my pee was already colored brown. I told Jan. There was a little bit of my pee on the floor. He was not grossed out about it and even took a picture and sent it to Ate Ana.

At 10pm, UCmed has yet again disappointed. They said to wait until 1am. I was already in strong tummy pain. Intervals were already at 2-4mins. I told Jan what if I want to be in the Labor room already? But he kept encouraging me to wait and if I can still hold it for a few more hours.

So at 1am, I asked the nurses to call UCmed. They havent made a feedback until 2am already. Result was negative for COVID. Wew. Finally!

I was then taken first to the Emergency Room to be interviewed and IE'd by the resident obgyne. There already were tubes attached to me. Dextrose and stuff. And it my tummy reaaaallly hurts already. The resident obgyne was asking me questions and I strongly breathe in between each answers. 😭

I also had to lie on my back. I really didn't want that position as it feels very uncomfortable. After the questions, she IE'd me. She told me the baby has already pooped inside because her fingers were already full of brown stuff. That explained the brown color on my pee! The baby has possibly already ate some of it. What would be worse was if some of it went to his lungs. 😭 Bad news also was that I was still at 4cm! Lord, why all the bad things right now? 😭

Then I was taken to the Labor Room. Dr Geline was already waiting for me there. I was still monitored and we waited some time. Then she checked my cervix at around 4am but I was still at 6cm. I still had to lay on my back. Everything was so uneasy and uncomfortable already. Dr Geline told me to wait until 6am for the opening of my cervix.

At quarter to 6am, she IE'd me again but still at 6cm. She then told the staff to get ready for Caesarean Operation and called for the necessary doctors to be around. I was already so sad. Then she came to me and asked if I was really gonna undergo CS. She then told me "Mag CS jud ta because I already gave the chance. It's already been more than 24hrs since the water bag rupture. 28hrs already. And only 50% of amniotic fluid remains in the water bag. And cervix was still at 6cm open." she told me one of the tubes attached to me was already for induce, to help with opening of the cervix, but I was not responding to it and she has observed it hurt me a lot. She had taken it out and inserted it back and taken it out again but I was still at 6cm. In my mind, I was already so sad. Expenses would already be at 100k plus already! 😭 Dr Geline has also already informed Jan.

Then I was taken to the Operating Room. An anaesthesiologist was explaining to me about stuff that was gonna happen. They are gonna inject the anaesthesia and everything from my stomach down to my feet will be numb. Then I was put in a crouch position to have my spinal column clear to see. There was a specific place in my back where they are gonna inject the general anaesthesia.

They placed a cloth infront of me, like how you see in the movies where you cannot see them operation below. After the injection, I felt so cold. To the point I was freezing and my teeth were already clicking and making noises. The anaethesiologist was talking to me. She told me that it was nothing to worry about as it is normal when general anaesthesia is injected. And catheter was gonna be inserted so I may feel a little tingle down there. My arms were open wide. I cant remember if they were tied. What I knew was that I was awoke by the anaesthesiologist because I was already asleep while they were operating. "Maam, ayaw sag katog kay padung na mugawas si baby, nihagok pa raba jud ka". OMG kauwaw! 🙈😭

A few minutes after, I heard a baby crying. There, I saw my baby. But he wasn't placed on my chest😢 maybe also because I was numb. In my mind was "that's it? I already gave birth?" it felt nothing. Like blank. Also because I was numbed all over. It didn'tnhurt at all. Not the scenario or feeling Inhad expected for months. I could hear from doctors below mentioning "cord coil" but I was just so tired, i had slept again and hagok again 😅

I woke to the sound of my snore at the recovery room. It was just so damn loud. But I didn't care. I felt so friggin tired. A nurse was looking out for me. She asked if I could already move my feet. I couldn't. She told me I couldn't get to our room if I still couldn't move both feet. So I slept and snored again. After an hour or so, although I still could move my right feet, the nurse decided to have me taken at our room and Jan was there. I continued to sleep. I didn't know everyone was already calling Jan for updates. Even my parents. Oh and by the way, Daddy already told Jan to call them Mommy and Daddy already. Awwww ❤️

During my recovery, Jan helped me out. Even on eating, he would spoonfeed me. 🥺I really felt how he cared for me. He's constantly checking if I was okay. Took really good care of me like he was a nurse. ❤️

The next day after giving birth, Doc Geline visited me. She told me what happened. Turned out the baby was cord coiled which was why the baby couldn't descend and why my cervix couldn't open. I had 28hrs of labor. My baby has already defacated inside, already ate some of it, plus some even wen inside the lungs. He had pneumonia on his first day on the world. Imagine the things I was afraid of plus more, all happened on the BIG DAY 😭

But on the good side, atleast both of us are now safe. Things would have turned out bad if we had pushed thru with the normal birth since it the cord coil was only found out during operation, he would have been strangled when pushed out. 😭 It also would have been dangerous for me if I tried to push out on normal delivery because I was already so tired with 28hrs of labor contractions, remember, I snored so hard during operation. 😢

As Claire said, the late result of the swab test was a blessing in disguise. I'd also like to think of it that way.

[curegbm]

Susan Foster info for health -

July 7, 2020

When I was a junior in college I went to school in Vienna. One of my friends was Martina Nicholson. She became an OB/GYN, and just retired last year. She has a colleague, Dr. Richard Loftus, who is a biohazard virology-trained hospitalist. In other words he is treating COVID-19 patients in the hospital. I've read a lot of these accounts and this is the most powerful one I've ever read. It makes you want to hand out masks to everyone who's not wearing one. I am going to print this and carry copies with me when I'm walking. I will hand this out to people who don't have masks. If anybody gives me a hard time for my post on masks, you will get a copy of Dr. Loftus' brilliant, raw, painful account of what it's like treating these patients. What really struck me is how sick young previously healthy patients are 3 – 4 months post release from the hospital. Please be careful. Do not, for one more second, doubt this is real.

From Martina Nicholson, MD:

From my friend Dr Rick Loftus, MD. yesterday (7/2/20), update about Covid-19:

I'm in a hotspot hospital in a hotspot region (Coachella Valley, Inland Empire, CA). We just converted the entire second floor of our hospital to COVID-19 care yesterday, July 1. We have 65 inpatients with COVID-19 in a hospital with 368 beds. It is the same at our other 2 hospitals in the Valley. We spent yesterday deciding the ethical way to divide up limited remdesivir (30 patients' worth) for the hospital patients. My 20 incoming interns for our IM resident were exposed to COVID 2 weeks ago during their computer chart training; apparently 100% of our computer trainers had COVID19. One intern tested positive 7 days later and I insisted we re-test them all again, as there are almost certainly other cases with minimal symptoms. I raided my household and took my entire supply of face shields to the hospital for the residents to wear on their first day, and I paid $1000 of my own money to equip all of my residents with medical-grade face shields. I require all residents to wear a surgical mask or N95 with face shield if they are within 6 feet of another human, patient or coworker.

Roughly 20% of our inpatients die. Only 30% of our ventilated patients survive. (We try to avoid ventilation at all costs. Some people insist on being full code and decompensate despite high flow with face mask, proning, dexamethasone, antibiotics, and a cocktail of famotidine, zinc, Vitamin D, Vitamin C, NAC, and melatonin--we throw everything we can at each case, so long as it won't hurt them.)

My administrative assistant, who sits adjacent to the interns, just went home with COVID symptoms. Her test is pending.

In the Southwest, we are experiencing catastrophic exponential growth. I have had multiple families--siblings, parent-child, spouses--admitted with COVID-19. I had a 31 year old come in satting 78% on room air; he had been sequestering himself in his bedroom for a week to avoid infecting his elderly parents, with whom he lived. His sister, the only person he saw outside his immediate household in the 10 days prior to onset of fever, cough, and dyspnea, had also had fevers but had tested "negative" at our other large hospital so he thought it was safe to visit her. (Sigh. The Quest PCR test is about 80% sensitive, we think--it had emergency approval to sensitivity data was not required. The Cepheid rapid COVID PCR test is 98.5% sensitive but is in short supply due to limited reagent availability.)

I'm glad some of you are sheltered from what unbridled COVID-19 looks like. It's a hell show. This is *July*. What do you think my hospital will look like in winter?...

This is real. Doctors in places with proper public health responses will see few cases in their hospitals--like UCSF--but let me tell you something: The laws of physics and biology don't change. If you're in an unaffected region, an introduction and poor governance and low use of physical distancing and masks will give you an exponential increase in no time flat (i.e. 2-4 weeks). That's pandemic math. And 20% of the population infected needs a hospital. You *will* run out of beds with an unbridled pandemic. There is almost ZERO pre-existing immunity to SARS-CoV-2. There may be some "priming" of T-cell responses due to exposure to other "benign" beta-coronaviruses, but we have no idea if that explains the 20-40% of people who seem to get minimal symptoms. Asymptomatic infected persons, however, can, and do, spread COVID to those who die from it.

By the way: I've seen scary looking CT scans of the lungs that look like terrible interstitial pneumonia in a patient who had ZERO symptoms and SaO2 94% on room air. She came in for palpitations and the intern overnight got a chest CT for cardiac reasons. We didn't know it was COVID until her test came back 36 hours later. So "asymptomatic" does NOT mean "no biological activity." The virus replicates furiously in people who feel fine. Kids can spread this as easily as grown ups, even if they feel okay.

Related: I've talked to two previously healthy patients ages 32 and 44 who are 3 and 4 months, respectively, post their acute COVID. They continue to have cough, nightsweats, fever, fatigue. How many survivors have "post-COVID syndrome"? We don't know. Less than 20% but we're not sure. I've asked my hospital to allow me to establish a post-COVID clinic to care for and study survivors. Both NIH and UW are planning similar efforts based on my dialogues with them.

Autopsies show anoxic brain injury in many patients who died of COVID, not to mention microthrombi throughout the lungs and megakaryocytes in massive infiltrations in their hearts and other organs. People get heart failure, lung fibrosis, and permanent kidney injury from COVID-19. This is a disease of the vascular systems, and it can affect any organ, with lungs and kidneys being especially at risk.

In early May, thanks to lockdown, our census of 55 came down to 10 COVID cases, and for a brief moment, I actually had hope that the worst nightmares I had about COVID, as a biohazard virology-trained hospitalist, would not come to pass. Then we re-opened, without test/trace/isolate systems anywhere close to adequate. Eight weeks ago my county decided to make masks "optional," despite 125 doctors begging them not to do that. Now we're worse than we were in April. And it's getting worse every day.

You wanna see if COVID is real? Come walk on my COVID ward with me. It's real. Hearing people talk about it as if it's an exaggeration is, well, rage-inducing, honestly. Denial is the most common reaction to a pandemic. Denial is how the US will wind up with 1.1 million deaths instead of 30,000. I saw AIDS denialists get killed by their belief that HIV "isn't real, it's a pharma conspiracy of the medical industrial complex." Yeah, right, if you say so. I watched patients with those beliefs die.

The hardest part about this is, every new case I treat exposes me. I have assiduous hot zone technique. But no technique is bulletproof. If you keep exposing me to case after case, eventually, the virus will get through my defenses. I'm a 50 year old hypertensive. I don't expect to do well if I get infected. For now, I keep going to work. I'm one of the few pushing forward on COVID clinical trials, basic science, public health messaging, and diagnostic studies at my hospital. I feel a responsibility to keep going. I wake up with nightmares every morning at 4am. But I'm going to keep going for now. I feel very alone a lot of the time. People are not taking this seriously, and it's costing lives. -R

"Everything we do before a pandemic will seem alarmist. Everything we do after a pandemic will seem inadequate. This is the dilemma we face, but it should not stop us from doing what we can to prepare. We need to reach out to everyone with words that inform, but not inflame. We need to encourage everyone to prepare, but not panic." — Michael O. Leavitt, 2007

--

Richard A. Loftus, MD

"Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world...would do this, it would change the earth." --William Faulkner

[knowyourkaldereta]

64 Days

Day 1: Oct 29

I wasn’t able to go to work today- I figured I just can’t. I woke-up like I have never slept and my fever flared up. I was coughing non-stop and I can’t even put my mind and body to rest. I tried to stay calm and focus on getting better so I can go back to work tomorrow- but I ended up talking to you, you were mad. Really mad. I wish I never made the call- but then again I wanted to provide you answers- and I don’t want to leave things with ‘I’m breaking-up with you’ 

Day 2: Oct 30

Woke-up empty again- and told myself, ‘wow Roj, you are able to place yourself in the same shitty situation at a short amount of time’. I needed to go back to work so I pulled myself together. I spent 20 mins contemplating inside a coffee shop- trying to make sense why these things are happening. Is it really suppose to happen? Is this necessary? Who knows right. But yeah, I survived Day 2. Alive.

Day 3: Oct 31

I woke-up today full of regrets - thinking about all the things that I shouldn’t have done. And the things I should have done better. I tried to wash you off my head but this hole is not very easy to ignore. I spent another 30 mins lying in bed -staring at the ceiling -contemplating what’s happening with my life before I finally booked a ride. My cough got worse but the colds seem to subside a bit. I have been working extra hard so that there’s no time for me to feel anything- but somehow I still manage to look at your photos. I went off 9pm since I no longer have any plans - bought myself a bottle of beer at Bowery and managed to look pathetic for 45 minutes. Staring at Mind Museum with a lighted cigarette on my hand. What do I do? What can I do? What should I do? - right now, maybe I just want to be alone. Curling-up on my bed, thinking how am I able to survive this longing for the next days. 

Day 4: Nov 1

It really was a trying day today. I had my worst panic attack with work and all the anxiety that I was feeling because of the break-up. It was so bad that I can compare it to June 19 of 2016. I wasn’t able to feel my fingers and I can’t cry for help. I was shaking under the table holding a glass of water.  I took several breathes and really tried my best. I even texted you for refuge - because I no longer know what to do. And then it stopped. Today I can say that I still love you, so much. I still wish that we can get back together and hope that you’ll give us another chance. But today I also prayed for the Lord to give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Day 5: Nov 2

I woke-up again today feeling empty. I wasn’t so sure on how I can push through living with this misery. I got confused because of the things I knew but did not understand. Today, I realised that I am capable of loving someone unconditionally - that I am willing to look past anything for the sake of love. I was a bit more convinced today that you are really moving on - I had a panic attack inside the mall - I was rushing for my breathe, I sat down inside Jollibee and cried. I dragged myself to Mentore so less people can see me catching for breathe - and there tears kept on falling - it was all pain. I asked myself several times - ‘Why are these things happening - and do I just sit here and wait for you to come since I haven’t turned off my location tracker yet’. But then I saw that you did turn it off - I was hopeless, I was confused if it’s just false hope that I holding onto.

Day 6: Nov 3

The past days I have been having a hard time going back to sleep once I wake-up. Regardless if it’s 3am, 4am or 5am - I just can’t go back to sleep. I can’t seem to stop my mind from thinking of you - my heart has been palpitating. I wore my black jacket - the one I wore when we were in Macau just to be able to sleep. It’s shivering cold every night mahal - and only the warmth of your embrace is all I am longing for. I got stuck in bed today - contemplating and contemplating and contemplating. It was 6am - I wanted to see you real bad and I wasn’t able to control the urge of texting you. You didn’t respond but I completely understood. I just miss you so bad mahal. I want you in my arms again- and kiss you a lot of times and tell you much I love you. The pain is excruciating and I know I deserve this. Today, I was thinking of you non-stop and I guess that I might stay single until our roads cross again and you’ll accept me again - I pray for that. I wanted to introduce you to my lola yesterday - telling her that I finally found the one. The one I want to spend my life with.  I wanted to escape and leave everything behind and do something I have never done before - bring you to my hometown. So you could see where I grew-up and the people who were close to me when I was younger. I love you so much but now I understand that you need time - I’ll focus on building myself again so that for when the time come. I’d be really ready for you- to continue where we left off. 

Day 7: Nov 4

I didn’t know how I survived today - but I did. I was afraid to face all my deliverables at work but I managed to man-up and push myself. I was thinking of you all day - wondering how you are. It’s been a week mahal, and this week won’t go easy on me I know. I’m launching the show this Saturday - the one I really worked hard for. I’m excited but at the same time really afraid of what’s gonna happen. I replayed your videos several times today - makes me smile and makes me miss you more. I want to hug you and scratch your back until you fell asleep. Today, I love you the same. 

Day 8: Nov 5

Today I prayed to be stronger. I’m thankful that Lord made me so busy this week to somehow pre-occupy my head. I made peace with some of things that bother me most- changed my phone case to the one that we bought over the weekend from Shopee - to somehow refresh things. I woke-up today empty again, I can’t go back to sleep. Today, I still love you. I was thinking how you are, thinking if you are also thinking of me. On the other hand, I was excited to launch the TV show today - something that I wanted to share with you. Rough week to push, but I am excited for the break that I will be having next week. At the back of my head, I wish you’ll go with me and escape from the city - just the two of us. I’ll cuddle with you all day long and watch the sun rise from our bed. 

Day 9: Nov 6

I somehow got some sleep today - maybe because I was really tired from work last night. I finished off 1am - but I still manage to wake-up really early and stare outside the window for few minutes, thinking how much I miss you. I wanted to be strong and see myself through this - but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to move, I’m stuck. I don’t know if I should just move on like what you are doing or should I move back and fight for this. But right now, I know I’m stuck. I know I still love you, I still want to be with you but I don’t know what is the right thing to do. 

There’s still pain from the break-up, and I know it’ll be here for quite some more time. I know you’re still hurting - and I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. Maybe you broke-up with me because I cannot admit to myself that I was wrong. I thought those were harmless messages as long as we don’t meet. I shouldn’t have defended myself and just admit to it. That I am at fault. I’m sorry for all the pain - today, I still love you. With regrets, yes - but I still hope that one of these days you’ll find your way to me and we give it another try. 

Day 10: Nov 7

This is the tenth day, I woke-up thinking that you are heading to Korea today. With sadness, I thought of the days that we could have spent before you even leave. Today was a hard day - I  palpitated around 1pm- it was too much that I had to go to the clinic to rest. I couldn’t move - I just stared at the ceiling as tears slowly fell. I am not okay - I miss you so bad. 

The first break-up was devastating, but this one is life-sucking maybe because I am clueless of what to do next. I have been really drowning myself to work - but my emotions got the best of me today. I wanted to go home and escape. I was wondering if you are thinking of me, how you are coping with the break-up because honestly I am still not okay. Today, I should have hugged so tight, kissed you a lot before you go. Tell you how much I wanted to see you again and how we can videocall the rest of your trip. Today I still love you Jeff, I still cling to what we have and what we could be once we both heal. It will take time but I know - tayo pa rin sa dulo. 

Day 12: Nov 9

How are you, mahal? I see that you’re having a good time in Korea. I wanted to tell you that you should have worn dark brown or dark green in Nami lol  it would have a nice contrast against the environment. I miss you - I don’t know if you’re also thinking of me, but today I was feeling a bit better than the previous days. I am really excited on the concert tomorrow - I’m looking forward on how the hardworking weeks will turn into something I am really proud of, tomorrow I’ll be airing my first branded concert on national television. I wanted to tell you about it, how excited I am - because you know well how much I have been pouring myself to this one. I’m sure I’ll cry a lot tomorrow haha 

I still love you today Jeff. 

Day 15: Nov 12

I thought today and the upcoming days will be easier for me - but it doesn’t look that way. The huge pain returned. I was thinking if you are already back from Korea, if this is my cue to see you and get back together. To chase you and win you back.  I was panicking because I do not know what to do. I missed you a lot, I wanted to talk to you - but I don’t know how and when. 

I woke-up today looking at our photos together - seeing how good we look together. And told myself, ‘darating ‘yung panahon tayo pa rin, alam ko yun’. And yes, I still have this hope that we’ll make it through this because I still believe on how much we love each other. 

I have been convincing myself that I should already be moving on - but I have been fooling myself every time I try. You’re still all over my head, and my heart cannot unlove you. The sound of your voice, the tight hug when we sleep, the kisses in the neck and all the shenanigans we talk about which always make us laugh. I haven’t been happy since you left - the pain of longing for you still wakes me up in the middle of the night, it still makes me cry. Today, I realised that I cannot imagine a future without you in it. I love you so much but please give me a sign. 

Day 19: Nov 16

It’s over two weeks now, and I think I’m getting better - maybe by 25%. Every time I open my eyes, the first thing I’ll do is to check on our photos together- I have been trying my best not to because I know it’ll only make me miss you more. I have been focusing a lot more with work and myself - really trying to keep it together. Convincing myself that I can survive each day - but I still cry at 7am and feel empty at 10pm. I miss you holding my hand, I miss the kisses, the warm hugs - I miss everything about us. I have been purposely trying to avoid all the places and things that reminds me of us. 

I don’t know how long I’ll be here but I’m trying to carry on. I needed to go through this and there are no shortcuts on filling in this void. I needed to mourn, and I will take my time. Today, I still love you - but I’m also trying to see how to love myself better. 

Day 23: Nov 20

Hi, how are you? It’s been 23 days. I’m started to try and see things in a different perspective now - maybe I am still sad deep-inside, maybe because I still miss you and I miss all the good memories. I miss how happy we were - but as days go by, the false hope inside my heart slowly fades away. I am trying to already convince myself of the situation, that you don’t really want me anymore. It still hurts but maybe they’re right, that the love we had was great but was so fragile - we love each other so much that we wanted everything to be perfect. Today was a mix of emotions, I finally got my promotion - everyone is so happy for me but I kept on thinking how I wanted to celebrate this with you, I wanted to hear you congratulate me and see your smile. You were with me through it all - I wanted to text you about it but I don’t think I can handle how you’ll respond or if you’re even going to respond. Got me thinking, maybe Lord is already setting things in place for me - is this a sign to already move forward? I don’t know. 

Some of the days I just wish that we are brave enough to just fight for this - and fight for whatever we are feeling. It could have been easier. I still love you, but if we’re going to be back together? Maybe. No one knows. 

Day 31: Nov 29

It should have been our 2nd monthsary today. I was doing better yesterday like 50% of all the false hopes have subsided but why did you have to chat me? What is it that you want? If you really want us back - do it now. 

[mauridianhallow]

how was your day off? what did you do?

Oh. My. God. My Day Off™ (as we shall be referring to it) was AWESOME! Mediocre in some regards, but we must remember it is not the extravagance of the act but the freedom to act itself that made my Day Off™ so good, and why I have been looking forward to it for weeks! This is gonna be a long one, because I am so excited to talk about it, so strap in friends. Let’s go! We shall begin, as all stories must, at the beginning. Saturday 18th of November. 12:30AM. I have just finished work, my cousin’s funeral had been on the Friday, and I had been working in my family’s pub at the wake, (big Irish Catholic fam, take the stereotypes and multiply them by a random number, you’re probably right) and after finishing cleaning and making sure my bar is absolutely spotless, my aunt and I finally locked up. It was now, officially, my Day Off™. The first thing I did was crack open a beer. A Miller’s. I’m not usually a fan of American beer (because in all seriousness most of it is catpiss) but this? This beer? This beer which I was able to sit in my kitchen, speaking to friends, and just Enjoy™? It was the second best tasting beer I have ever tasted. I went upstairs, having informed the world through Snapchat that for the next 24 hours, I was free, and just stripped off. I just got to stand there, had a look at the scars on my back, my leg muscles, the bruises and cuts on my arms. Life. I realise I’m always rushing about, always from one thing to the next, sometimes that takes a tole on your body and while that’s nothing to be ashamed of, as I stood there naked I decided that sometimes I was a little hard on my body, the only one I’ll ever have, and I’m gonna look after it a little. After all, it’s my body’s Day Off™ as well. I ran a bath, I don’t usually get a chance for a bath, but my aching muscles needed it. One of my best friends, Carol, works in Lush and for my birthday a few months back she got me a bath bomb, so it seemed I was going all out this evening. It was 1:15AM. The bath was heavenly. I got to take care of myself, my body, my spirit felt rejuvenated, I got an opportunity to shave for the first time in a while, and when I stood up to get out of my bath, I felt prepared for the coming day. Just as I went to enter my bedroom, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the spare room, it wasn’t the same body that went in, it truly looked relaxed. It felt it too. 1:45AM. I’m still 100% awake, I’ve had a coffee and I decide to catch up on some shows I’ve not had the opportunity to see because of life. The latest episodes of Flash and Arrow, I’m excited for the 2 night crossover event and put the date in my planner. I switch to Designated Survivor, a show on Netflix that I’ve become addicted too and although it’s very “feel good, good guy always wins, moral of the story is...” kinda show, there’s nothing wrong with that. I love it! It’s about 4AM now, some sleepiness has started to come over me, my eye lids are getting a little heavier and I know I’ll be sleeping soon. I give myself a long sleep when I set my alarm, for about 11AM, because I deserve it. Why not, eh! The sleep was perfect, I had wonderful dreams about my friends, about the Reading and Leeds Festival during the summer, and when I woke up it was naturally with no alarm blaring, no one knocking on my door reminding me I have responsibilities. It was 10:45AM. I get up, stretch and go make myself some breakfast, no one is home (and won’t be until 7PM) so I don’t bother even dressing. There’s something strangely liberating about being able to wake up, walk downstairs, make and eat breakfast naked. But I’ll move on, I’m sure no one wants to hear about THAT hahah! When I’m deciding what to wear for heading into Glasgow, I pass over the darker colours of my wardrobe, no greys or blacks today, no today I want to walk down the street and feel awesome! I settle for my blue tight-fit gym t-shirt, my red tartan (plaid?) shirt to go over it, blue jeans and a pair of nice brown winter boots I bought a while back and never really had the chance to wear. I’m wearing my expensive underwear, it’s comfy and I feel great. To cap it all off, my blue double breasted long coat, the very same one I wore when I was 17 and walked into my last year of High School. I have a special connection with this coat, and I always feel great wearing it! I pack my bag, not of study material for today I refuse to study, but with my notebook and planner, a book I haven’t had the chance to finish in months, some snacks and a can of Arizona Green Tea. I wrap my scarf tightly around my neck and I walk out into the world! I catch the 11:21AM train into Glasgow, I’m going to get my phone screen repaired but I’m not worried. I’m messaging Chelsea, we’ve been talking a lot more recently and I like it. She tells me she’s working today, in Glasgow and I make a note of the time. If I get a chance I’ll pop in a say hello, if only briefly because I know she’ll be busy. I still feel great! It’s about 12PM that I finally get into the City, walking past the Counting House in George Square, I decide to jump in for a quick pint. I know there’s football on today so the place is packed. I only stayed for 30 minutes but I reminded myself I wasn’t jumping from one thing to the next today, I was under no obligation to hurry. It felt nice. When I reached the Apple Store, I entered into its clinical environment reminded of how cut off this place is from the rest of the world. I hand my phone in, they quote me a time of around 4/5PM, and when I leave I feel strange. I really am so used to having my phone in my pocket, I fidget with it a lot, I feel slightly cut off and while there’s a brief moment of anxiety, it soon passes. The world in mine today. I visit some shops, most are preparing for Christmas time and all look beautiful. I have about 3 hours to kill, to do what I want. As I’m passing by the Stairs at the Buchanan Galleries Concert Hall (if you’ve ever been in Glasgow you’ll know the ones) and am hit with a sudden wave of nostalgia. I’ve had so many good memories here; shopping trips with my parents as a kid, summer days as a teen, first kisses, teenage crushes, political rallies, moments of pure peace and moments of excitement! I’ll be truly sad when they are gone to make way for something else but I smile as I head to the cinema. There’s only one thing for it today, Justice League! I’ve been so excited for this! I can’t wait to see my childhood heroes come together, I haven’t been this excited for a superhero team up film since the Avengers all those years ago! I pass by the machines that let you book tickets immediately, and go to stand in line. Not because I don’t want to use the machines, but because I very rarely get to go through the excitement of the cinema experience. Standing in line, buying a ticket, talking with the people and what they think of the film. Again, it’s the freedom to do it that I am enjoying! It’s about 1:20PM. The film is beautiful, so fantastic, and while this blog post isn’t a film review, I will definitely recommend it! If someone had told little 12 year old me that one day I would be seeing live action adaptations of my heroes, he would’ve cried probably. A slight tear did in fact gather, more of nostalgia than anything else, for the innocence of childhood and how I really do need to remind myself to enjoy the little things more. When I leave the film, the wind and cold hit me but I’m smiling and very happy! I jump into the Apple Store to check how the phone is coming along and they say about half an hour until it’s finished. I thanked the lady and decided I have time to jump in to Chelsea’s work, say hello, and grab a coffee. I just hope it’s not too busy! When I walked in the door I managed to get a look at her without her spotting me. She was so excited to get this job, and I can definitely see why! She seems in her element, and happy! We speak briefly, joke a little, I pick up my coffee and go sit in the corner. I’m in no rush. I bring out the book I’ve been reading throughout the day in the small moments I get between things, and finish a couple chapters, I’m so close to the end! My coffee tasted great, extra caramel, whip cream and all! Just as I check my watch for the time I see it’s 4:15PM, but because I promised myself there would be no rushing today, I stay seated. My drink isn’t finished, and I’m enjoying my book. I give it another 10 minutes and as I go to leave I try to say goodbye to Chelsea, although the shop is quite busy now and I’m not sure she heard me. No worries though! I do make a promise to try and see her more often, maybe we could do something around Christmas time, but I put it from my head and leave to pick up my phone. I am content. The people at Apple were very nice, I had expected to be paying upwards of £100 for this new screen, but I was told that I was under warranty and it wouldn’t cost me a penny! I am elated! This day just gets better and better and better! I check my watch and see it’s about 4:25PM, and start walking to High Street. There’s music in my ears, memories of a good day in my head and happiness in my heart! I could have went to Queen Street, it’s closer but as I say again, it wasn’t the need to hurry that was driving me today, but the choice to relax and enjoy myself. The walk was very nice, the train journey nicer. I managed to finish my book, and while we all know the emotions around finishing a book you’ve been trying to read for months, I was very very happy. I used the train WiFi to but some Christmas presents for my niece and nephew, and when I got home, into the heat, there was no collapse of exhaustion. No falling onto my bed dramatically, I got into my pyjamas and jumped into bed. A quick nap, I deserved it. When I wake, it’s about 8PM, I’m rested and feel hungry and decide I don’t want to cook tonight, I’m going to treat myself to a pizza takeaway! I spend the rest of the night talking to friends, messaging Chelsea, eating and playing some of the new Assassin’s Creed. I can’t remember what time I went to sleep, because I didn’t need to worry about it. The day ended with complete contentment, my heart felt light and my head cleared. My Day Off™ had been perfect. Did I do much? Maybe not. But everything I did do was because I COULD! Let’s look at it like this; I slept late, got my phone fixed, did some Christmas shopping, saw a film I’ve been excited about for a long time, saw a girl I hadn’t seen in months, had great coffee, ate great food, napped out of deserving not out of exhaustion, played some video games, and fell asleep at a time I didn’t need to worry about. No studying. No work. No responsibilities. Perfect. And that my friends is the very long story of my Day Off™. It was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I hope I get another some point soon. Thank you for asking Anon, that was very nice of you. I just woke up about 20 minutes ago, it’s 8:18AM, Sunday 19th of November. It’s no longer my Day Off™. And life is good.