#i have to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow to get my kid ready for daycare and then go babysit 😭 that's in. five and a half hours

[beneathsilverstars]

ok i queued up copies of all my thoughts from twitter, plus enough fanart to alternate btwn textpost and reblog.... now i HAVE to go to bed

[soundtrack-scribe]

Choices

Summary: Ashton Irwin thought he had everything he needed in life in the form of his daughter. Funny the difference a choice can make.

A/N: Be sure to catch up on the first two chapters!

Content: Nothing too crazy/out of the norm. Some cute as fuck dad!Ash. Also guest appearance by Luke and Mike!

Word Count: 4.5K

And away, and away we go!

Chapter 3

My alarm went off shrilly at 7 am. I fumbled to shut off the incessant beeping as I opened my eyes. I yawned and stretched out my arms. It was then I became apparent of Nic asleep in my bed. I smiled at the memory of the night we had shared. Her giggles echoed in my mind as I recalled her slipping into one of my shirts and beckoning me to bed with her finger. I recalled the many kisses I stole as we hid under the covers. I remembered how she felt, sleeping beside me as if she had done it her whole life. I reached over and kissed her, “Nic, wake up.” I kissed a path from her shoulder, up her neck, and to her lips. “Wake up, wake up, wake up,” I murmured between kisses.

“Mmm,” she moaned, “Shh, Ash, I’m sleeping,” she smiled at me, opening her eyes a little.

“It’s seven… I gotta get up.”

“Why?”

“Lauren is gonna be here any second with Cass so I can get her ready for daycare,” I told her, rolling out of bed.

She reached over and pulled me down, before climbing on top of me and kissing my face repeatedly. “Just. Five. More. Minutes. Please?” she asked me between kisses.

I wrapped my arms around her and sat up with her in my lap. “If they even give me five minutes,” I told her.

“Guess we better get as much time as we can,” she grinned, sexily.

I rolled her over, pinning her between me and the bed. “God, you’re sexy,” I growled. I kissed her fiercely before pulling back and straining my ear. “Shh,” I whispered, pressing a finger to my lips, rolling off of Nic. “Do you hear that?” I asked, still whispering as I heard the front door creak open and Cassidy’s footsteps pitter-patter across the apartment. “Incoming,” I warned, seconds before Cassidy came crashing into my bed.

“Daddy!” she shrieked like she did every morning.

I threw the covers over my head and shouted playfully, “No! Not the Cass Monster! Aaaahhh!” Then I threw the covers off me and enveloped Cassidy in them who erupted in a series of giggles. I pulled her into my lap and uncovered her head. “Were you good for Auntie Lauren?” I asked.

Cassidy nodded, her dirty blonde curls bouncing. Then, “Daddy, did you have a sleepover?”

“I did. Her name is Nic. Do you want to say hi?”

Another nod, then, “Hi, Nic!”

“Hi, Cassidy,” Nic smiled sweetly.

“She’s pretty, Daddy,” Cassidy told me.

I laughed, “Yes, very pretty. Alright, you ready for breakfast?”

“Mhm!”

“Alright, go say goodbye to Auntie Lauren, and I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

She skipped out of the room. Lauren poked her head in, “Hey, As- shit, I didn’t know you had company. I could’ve taken Cass.”

“It’s fine, Lauren,” I said getting out of bed. “This is Nic. Nic, that’s my sister, Lauren. The little one was Cass.”

“Hi,” Nic said, getting up herself.

Lauren nodded a hello, then, “I’m gonna say bye to Cass,” before excusing herself.

“Sorry,” I said to Nic, pulling a shirt over my head.

 “It’s fine, Ash,” she said, kissing me. “I should probably go get ready for work. I’ll see you later?”

I nodded, “I’ll be home at about 5 if you wanted to join us for dinner. I’m not much of a cook though, so fair warning.”

She smiled. “I can be over at like 5:30?”

“That works,” I smiled back. I watched as she disappeared, waiting to hear her leave, before I went to the kitchen. I went about my morning routine feeling better than I had in a long while. For the first time in a long while, I had something to look forward to; someone to come home to that didn’t need bedtime stories and monster-checking.

“You seem perkier than usual,” Mike, the captain, noted as I came in whistling.

“Just in a good mood,” I said, clocking in for the day.

“So, who’s the girl?” Luke, my partner, asked.

“Who said there was a girl?”

“Because, I’ve never seen you look this happy. I’ve also never seen you with a girl. So, it’s gotta be a girl, right? Oh, tell me it’s a girl!”

“It’s a girl,” I laughed.

“Ha!” Luke cheered. “Mikey-boy, that’s twenty big ones! Pay up! Way to go, Irwin!”

“Why does he owe you twenty b- Wait, did you 2 seriously have a bet that I was gay?! I literally have a kid.” Any other day, I might have been offended, but I was cruising on the highest of highs.

“Hey,” Luke defended. “I knew you weren’t gay. Just a busy little worker bee, huh, Ashy?” he teased.

“You know what? I ain’t even mad. Cuz I woke up next to the hottest girl. Life doesn’t get better than that.”

“Ash,” Mike said, turning serious for a minute. “Marry this girl.”

“I barely know the girl, Mikey,” I laughed nervously.

“I know. But marry her. Any girl that’s got you feeling this good is a keeper. I’m telling ya.”

“I still think I’ll give it a minute before I start getting down on a knee,” I joked, quickly burying the memory of the last time I’d been down on one knee. Taylor had no right to my mind today. Today, my mind was all on Nic.

I walked through the door of my apartment, feeling both more exhausted than I’d ever felt and also still better than my old best days. I quickly tried to clean up the apartment a bit while Cassidy played. I had just sat down on the couch when Nic knocked on my door. “Hey, c’mon in,” I greeted, kissing her cheek.

“Hey, how was work?” she asked, making herself comfortable on my couch.

“Good,” I said, sitting down next to her. “How was your day?”

“Long,” she sighed, leaning into me. “Glad to be done.”

“Me too,” I smiled at her. “Are you hungry?”

“I am!” Cassidy piped up, causing both Nic and me to laugh.

Nic stayed after dinner, throwing herself into a wild activity Cassidy dreamed up, the two chatting away until I told Cassidy it was time for her bath. I had Cassidy pick up her toys while I ran her bath. “You can stay if you want, but if you have stuff you gotta do, that’s…”

Nic half-smiled. “I should probably get going. But, I’ll see you…?”

“You can come by tomorrow again if you like. But, I gotta warn you, this is pretty much it,” I told her motioning around at everything. “This is my life.”

“I like your life, Ash,” she said, smiling softly. “I’ll see you and Cass tomorrow.” She kissed me before letting herself out.

“I like her, Daddy,” Cassidy said.

“I like her, too,” I said, picking her up.

I got Cassidy ready for bed and went to bed myself with Nic’s memory burned in my mind. I told myself that I really liked Nic and that I’d be smarter this time around; that I would savour every moment I held her in my arms, or got to kiss her lips. I tried to push the nagging thoughts that this could only end 1 of 2 ways, and that 1 of those ways could very well destroy me.

~~~

For the next few weeks, Nic slowly made her way into mine and Cassidy's lives. Every night the 3 of us sat around my kitchen table eating and laughing. Some nights she stayed helped me put Cassidy to bed, then spent the night tangled up in the sheets with me. Other nights she excused herself early so I could have 1-on-1 time with Cassidy. Nic and I took things slow, not wanting to rush anything in our relationship with each other. But, when the 1-month mark came and went- which was when every other girl had left- and Nic stayed, I started to rethink the seriousness of our relationship. I decided it was time to take Nic out on a real date so we could discuss what we both wanted out of this relationship, or if we even wanted one.

I talked over the details with Lauren, who eagerly agreed to pick Cassidy up from daycare and watch her overnight for me. So after work on Friday, instead of rushing to pick up Cassidy from daycare, I called Nic.

“Hey, Ash,” she answered after the first ring. “I just got home. I’ll be over in a few?”

“Uh, I was actually wondering if you wanted to go out? Like on a real date?”

“Real date, huh?”

“Yeah. Getting dressed up, I bring you flowers, we go eat a fancy dinner, the whole thing.”

She giggled and I pictured her cheeks flushing red. “Okay, that sounds like fun.”

“Cool. I’ll pick you up at 7?”

“I’ll see you at 7. Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Why?”

“I just wanna do something nice for a change,” I told her. In truth, I felt good about my relationship with Nic. She didn’t get annoyed with staying in every night or having Cassidy ruin the chance to sleep in on the weekends. In fact, she adored Cassidy, and Cassidy adored her right back. There was also no denying the way she made me feel, or the fact that we were both clearly attracted to each other. And after the past few weeks of her either being in my arms or on my mind, it was probably time to figure out what we were to each other, even if I didn’t like the answer.

I went out to get my truck washed and pick up some flowers before I came home and showered. I went through my closet, pulling jackets and work clothes aside to find my dress shirts and slacks. I laid the clothes on my bed, ready to get changed, but I ran a hand under my chin first. I ran to the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror. I tilted my head at different angles, trying to decide if I needed to clean up my beard or not. I decided against it, preferring not to risk shaving it all off if I screwed up. I changed and took a good long look in the mirror. Without meaning to, my mind drifted to the last time I had gotten this dressed up- the way my heart pounded in my chest and the weight of that little box in my pocket. I quickly shook away the thought. That wasn’t the last time I got dressed up, I told myself. Yeah, but it was the last time it mattered. “This isn’t like that, though,” I spoke aloud to no one. Isn’t it, though? My mind answered back. “I don’t have time for this,” I said angrily. “Nic isn’t Taylor. And more than that, I don't want Taylor. I want Nic.” Hey, these are your thoughts, Ash.

I shook my head again. “Nic,” I repeated, smiling at the sound of her name. “I want Nic.” With a last look in the mirror, I headed for the door, grabbing the flowers on my way out. I made my way across the hall and knocked on her door. One of her roommates opened the door. “Hey, is Nic ready?”

“Oh, hey, Ash. C’mon in. Nic’s just finishing up.”

I took a seat on their couch, “So, how’s everything going?” I asked, trying to make conversation.

“We’re good, Ash. You and Nic seem to be getting serious.”

“I hope so. I really like her.”

“She really likes you, too.”

“Kayla!” Nic scolded, coming into the room. Her dress accentuated every bit of curve she had.

“Wow… you look… wow…” I said, getting up off the couch. “Uh, these are for you.” I gave her the small bouquet of flowers.

She took the flowers and breathed them in. “Thank you,” she said. Then she disappeared down the hall to put them away. “Ready?” she asked when she came back into the living room.

“Let’s go,” I said, taking her hand. “You look really amazing, by the way,” I told her again as we walked down to my truck.

“Thanks. You clean up good yourself.”

“I try.” I held the door for the truck open for her and watched as she slid in.

“You washed your truck, too?” she asked when I climbed in the driver's seat.

“Yeah, it was time.” I pulled out of the parking structure and onto the road.

“Really? When’s the last time you washed your truck?”

“Uh… a while.”

She raised her eyebrows.

I shrugged and half-smiled. “The rain does a good enough job.”

“So you went through the trouble of washing it for me?”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“I meant no such thing. There’s something flattering about a boy putting in a little effort to impress the girl.”

“And are you impressed?”

“Time will tell.”

I clutched at my chest jokingly. “Ouch…”

She laughed, “Well, the night’s just beginning.”

“Oh, you’ll be impressed,” I told her, pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant. I wrapped my arm around her as we walked into the restaurant. “2 for Irwin,” I told the hostess, trying to ignore the look she gave us.

“Right this way,” she said, leading us to a table. “Your waiter will be here shortly.”

I ran a hand through my hair as I became aware of everyone’s eyes on us. “I know I’m with the prettiest girl, but damn I’d wish they’d stop staring,” I whispered to her as I rolled up the sleeves of my shirt, exposing my arms and tattoos.

“They’re staring at you, Ash. At least the girls are anyway,” she told me.

I shook my head, “Bullshit. I’m a nobody.” I flicked through the menu, busying myself with trying to find something to eat.

“A good looking nobody,” she laughed, setting her own menu aside. “I feel like I’ve said this before, but your tattoos are really cool.”

“Thanks?” I felt my face flush red in embarrassment.

“Are you one of those guys who is just completely oblivious to how good looking they are? It’s both charming and infuriating.”

I shrugged. “That’s a loaded question. If I say yes, then I’m a conceited jackass who only cares about looks. If I say no, I’m a moron. I mean, I see myself all the time so I look like I always have to me. Whether or not that’s attractive to other people or not is up to them.”

“Well, for the record, you are ridiculously attractive. And until now, I’ve been too distracted by that attractiveness to notice much besides just how attractive you are. The tattoos certainly aren’t helping making you any less attractive either. If anything it adds. Are you ready to order?” she finally asked, trying to change the topic. “Or should I keep overusing the word ‘attractive’?”

I laughed and we quickly flagged down the waiter to order. “Well, thanks,” I told her, “But, I still think everybody is looking at you. And why wouldn’t they? You’re beautiful.”

She blushed. “So, the tattoos? Can I see?” she asked, reaching out and gently touching my right forearm.

“Yeah.” I undid my shirt, sliding it off, grateful I had thought to throw a black tank top on underneath so I wasn’t completely shirtless in public.

“These are so cool,” she breathed, her fingers running all over my inked skin.

“I thought so.”

“Did they hurt?”

I nodded as I slipped back into my dress shirt. “But it was more annoying than painful.”

“What caused you to get them?”

“Just little reminders, I guess.”

“Reminders of what?”

“To be the best person I can be both for myself and for Cass. I’m the only parent she has, so I have to do twice as much work as any other parent to make sure she’s not missing out on not having a mom.”

“You have a very interesting story,” she told me.

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, I do. You have a clear attachment to your family, which I find to be endearing. And you don’t let your past damage you. You let it guide you into being a better person.”

“It sounds so much cooler when you say it. Damn, that looks good,” I said as the waiter brought out our food and we started eating. “So, anything interesting I should know about you? Since how you know all about me?”

“I don’t know all about you,” she retorted. “But, fine. Tell me what you want to know.”

“Tell me about Atlanta.”

She shrugged. “It was typical. Um, I’m the middle child. I have an older brother and a younger sister. We’re all close. Parents are still married.”

“What were you like in high school? What made you the woman sitting across from me?”

She laughed. “Again, very typical. Also very cliche. I was head cheerleader, so naturally I dated the quarterback. We were Prom king and queen.”

I laughed, “Damn, I thought I was a cliche in high school. Tell me about Mr. Quarterback boyfriend. How’d you go from him to bar creeps to me?”

“Mr. Quarterback’s name was Charlie. He was a sweetheart, but his views were a little too old-school for me, even though I consider myself to be somewhat of a traditionalist.”

“How so?”

“He didn't want me to go to college. He wanted me to become a housewife and mom. Which, I’m not opposed to necessarily. I just wanted something that was my own, too. So I told him he could either accept that I wanted a future myself outside of the home or I’d find someone who did. So, he tried to accept it. And when I told him I wanted to come here to pursue a master’s and see more of the world, he told me he couldn’t accept it anymore. So, we broke up. And I moved here and promised myself I wouldn’t shy away from putting myself back out there. The creeps were just an unfortunate side effect.”

“Wow. And Charlie was your first?”

She nodded, “But, I don’t have any regrets. And I’m not bitter about it. Like I said, the boy was a sweetheart. We just weren’t destined for forever.”

“That’s a very mature outlook,” I commented.

“I try,” she smiled. “So what about you? What were you like before moving here?”

“I was the captain of my high school’s baseball team. Starting dating the pretty girl senior year that I’d had a crush on since I was five. We weren’t Prom king and queen like you and Charlie. We were Homecoming king and queen, though, so it’s basically the same thing. We stayed together while I put myself through the police academy and she went to college. I wasn’t afraid of her wanting a career, just as long as she wanted me too. Then she got pregnant.”

“And what happened to her? To Cassidy's mom?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I told her, running a hand through my hair. “Um, I actually wanted to talk about us.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah… Uh, you’ve been over a lot and Cassidy really likes you. And I do too. So I’m hoping that we can, uh… be something more serious than whatever it is we’ve been doing.”

“I thought you didn’t want serious?”

“No, I said I probably wasn’t the guy to get serious with.”

“And now you are?”

“Well, yeah.”

She sighed, “Ash…”

I felt my throat close up. “It’s fine… you don’t… we don’t… it’s fine,” I choked out. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care; that her apparent rejection didn’t hurt. After all, it’s not like we we’re serious.

“It’s not that, Ash. It’s the fact that you think so little of yourself. Ash, I don’t care that you’re a dad. Okay? I care that you’re a good person with a good heart. That’s the Ash I like. That’s the Ash I want to be with.”

I leaned back, confused. “Um… Can we start over?”

She let out a small laugh, “Sure.”

“Hey, Nic. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. You seem to understand better than other girls I’ve been with how important my daughter is to me, and you aren’t threatened by that. I really appreciate that, and so does Cass. As a result, I feel that I’m in a position to take our relationship more seriously.” I tried to pick my words carefully, but I wanted to laugh at how absolutely ridiculous I sounded.

She nodded, biting her lip to hold back a laugh, “Okay. And what do you mean by taking us more seriously?”

“Mainly mutual exclusiveness. I don’t want to date anyone else, and I don’t want you to date anyone else.”

“I thought we were already at that point, though.”

“Were we? I mean, I haven’t been seeing anyone.”

“Neither have I.”

“Oh, well, good. I’d like for us to keep doing that.”

“Me, too,” she smiled.

I cleared my throat, “Sorry… It's been awhile since I asked a girl to be my girlfriend.”

“Oh, is that what you were asking?” Her eyes danced mischievously.

“Well… that’s what I meant by the ‘mutual exclusiveness’ bit…”

“I’m teasing, Ash. I’d like to be your girlfriend very much.” Her face blushed and she looked down.

I felt my mouth split into a cheesy grin. “I’d like that too,” I told her, reaching out for her hand. “Now, serious question: what are your expectations of me being your boyfriend?”

She lifted her head and looked at me. “Wow… um…” she paused to think about it. “Okay. Loyalty and honesty. I don’t do cheaters and I don’t do liars.”

I nodded, “Understandable. Although, can we agree that there are some things worth lying about? Like surprises? I like surprising my girlfriend and they tend to require a few white lies.”

“Oh, well yeah. I meant like big stuff lying.”

I nodded again. “Fair enough, I won’t cheat and I won’t lie about it if I’m ever dumb enough to.”

She laughed, “Good. Oh, respect is huge. Respect for my boundaries, privacy, and my independence.”

“What do you mean by independence? Like not feeling threatened by you wanting a career for yourself? Or not feeling threatened when you want to go out with your friends without me?”

“Both. Jealousy in general bothers me. It kinda goes back to the loyalty and honesty bit. Like yeah, I want you to be loyal and honest, so I’m also going to be loyal and honest in return. So respect that I’m not going to jeopardize that trust. And being threatened of a girl having a career in this day and age is just stupid.”

“Makes sense. Anything else?”

She thought for a minute. “No. Everything else more or less falls into those 3 categories.”

“Consideration isn’t a factor for you?” I asked, giving her a suggestion. “Of feelings, likes, dislikes, the sort?”

She pursed her lips together in thought. “Yeah… I would think it falls under respect, or maybe loyalty, though. But yeah, I like a guy who’s considerate.”

“Okay. I can do that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Although, I have a… savior complex is what you called it? Well, I call it a protective side that might sometimes interfere with your independence. I don’t do it on purpose and I definitely don’t do it because I think you’re not capable of handling your own shit. It’s just one of those things that kinda just happens and I’m not aware of it until after the fact. But by all means, call me out on it.”

She laughed, “Ah, yes. Your savior complex. It’s irritating, but I also find it rather charming.”

I laughed with her, “Yeah. Like I said, I don’t do it on purpose. You can blame my dad for it if you want. He’s the one I get it from.”

She smiled, “Anything I should know about your expectations?”

“The same things. Have trust and faith in me that I’m not stupid enough to do something to purposefully jeopardize what we have. And if you ever do have concerns about us or me, then come to me rather than trash talk me to your friends or disrespect my privacy by playing private investigator. I don’t play mind games and I don’t want a girlfriend who thinks it’s okay to play mind games with me. That part also applies to passive aggressive behavior. Like if you don’t like that I leave the toilet seat up, just tell me rather than get all pissy. Shit like that. Like we’re both adults, so we don’t need to do childish shit. Also, I have a daughter who is my entire world. While I’m more than willing to open myself up and let you part of that world, Cassidy will always come first and I need you to both understand and accept that.”

“Can do. I don’t expect to date a man who acts like a boy, so you can expect me to not act like a child myself. Anything else?”

I thought about it, and then took a deep breath, deciding to let her be aware of my deepest fear. “If you ever do have concerns about our relationship and they’re concerns that you can’t move past- like break up worthy stuff- please, please tell me right away. Don’t blindside me or lead me on. Ripping off the band-aid will make losing you a little more bearable. It’s hard explaining to Cass why ‘Daddy’s friend’ doesn’t come over anymore.”

Her eyes went a little wide and she leaned back. “Whoa… Okay… I can promise that I’ll come to you with our problems. But, I can’t promise that I’ll automatically throw in the towel if I ever have doubts. I’d want to try to work through those doubts first. But I can promise that I’ll make you aware of them.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that was heavy, I know. And thank you. I know it’s not an easy thing to ask someone, much less agree to it.”

“Ash, nothing you’ve asked is unreasonable. You have a daughter to think about and you guys are a package deal. We’ve both come from relationships that left a few scars. This relationship is new and scary. But, as long as we do things we’ve agreed on, I don’t see us having any problems.”

“No? You don’t want to run after that lovely confession of me being scared as hell that you’ll leave?” I half-teased.

“Hey, you have just as much chance of breaking up with me as I do with you,” she clarified.

I shook my head, laughing, “Like I’d ever break up with a girl like you.”

She laughed with me, “I could say the same thing. Anything last demands, boyfriend?”

“Uh… yeah, just one more. Would you mind coming with Cass and me to my parents on Sunday? It’s uh… kind of my birthday...”

She grinned, “I’d love too.”

I couldn’t hold back anymore and I reached across the table, pulling her face towards mine. I kissed her hard and she kissed back with just as much fierceness, our relationship sealing itself on our lips.

~~~

Tag List (I’m waiting...)

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[angesaurus]

So Cecilia did excellent at daycare! They love her (helps that they have all seen her since she was a few weeks old since Gavin goes there) and I can tell she is going to be a favorite. Luckily she was sleeping at drop off and it was an easy handover. She stretched and then snuggled right up to the teacher. They use an app so I got updates all day and a few pictures..

When I got there in the afternoon, all the babies were on the play mat but she was sitting in the other teacher’s lap getting her belly rubbed 😂 she cried when I picked her up because I think she finally processed what happened - oh yeah you left me here all day with strangers 😂 she was pretty fussy from then until her bath (which now I gotta do like everyday because germs... one more thing to my to do list everyday) and then she took a loooooong ass nap (like almost 2.5-3 hours and then she slept from like 10:45 with only a couple random wake ups at like 3 and 4 until Dan got her at 5. Work was annoying yesterday and I was super distracted by the daycare app (they use it in Gavin’s room too but since he’s pre-k it’s more like a general overview of the day and you’re lucky if you get a few pictures).

Yesterday I had to go food shopping so I did that from 7-8 while Cecilia was napping and Dan put Gavin to bed. and then had to make my lunch and breakfast for today plus shower. Dan didn’t get home until 5:30. Today we have to go vote ( we have to, important election in our town that we’ve been following and actively working to stop ) and Dan needs a blue shirt for tomorrow ( he had ALL WEEKEND ) and I have to go get a birthday card and present for my coworker (I also had ALL WEEKEND 😂 plus forgot while I was out food shopping 🤦🏻‍♀️ ) plus then making sure we all eat, the kids get baths, my lunch and breakfast is made, bottles are cleaned, we’re all ready for the next day, making sure my house is livable and run errands, plus ya know spending time with my kids since they were at school all day.

I am exhausted.

[stay-at-home-moms-brain-blog]

Here's how my day goes

Anywhere between 5 and 6 am I'm awake and getting around. I go outside smoke a cig or two to kind of wait for my brain to realize I'm awake. I go inside fix the coffee unload the dishwasher that I ran over night fix myself a cup of coffee start a load of laundry check on D to make sure she's breathing (Tell me when does this end because I constantly do it) I sit on the couch check my fb memories make myself some breakfast before D wakes up finish my coffee make another cup go back outside and enjoy the sun slowly coming up go back inside pick up whatever toys I can. This is about the time D wakes up is about 730. We cuddled we tickle we laugh I change her butt let her run around a bit while I make her breakfast sit her in her highchair with some juice and give her her breakfast when it's ready. I usually call my mom when she's eating and catch her up on what happened between our last call. Ds done with breakfast I get her down cleaned and dressed for the day. I switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer and start another load. I load the dishwasher and get myself dressed. D and I play for a couple hours then it's morning nap. D takes a bottle goes to her crib and hugs me while I pick her up and put her down in bed (well played kid) this is a brief hour in my day I can sit and just enjoy the quiet I usually knit or do some work (I'm my own boss so I don't really have a deadline) then I start Hs lunch so it's ready by the time he gets home. D usually stirs around this time and we get up. Butt change again tickle fights tons of hand mom my play phone then I take her top off get her lunch ready and get her in her chair. D can't feed herself lunch with a shirt on. H comes home eats makes small talk then goes back to work. D and I finish up lunch then she heads to the bathroom. It's like the child knows her bath is always next. 20 minutes of play 2 minutes of actually cleaning the child. She doesn't really get dirty but she loves the water. Probably because she was born in hawaii and on the beach the first 7 months of her life roughly. Anyways I play some soft music splash and laugh with her. She gets out I wrap her cape like towel hood included around her and chase her into the living room and all around. We get on the floor she gets lotioned and powdered and her newly conditioner hair gets combed. We play or she plays for about another 30 minutes. It's now 1 30 or 2ish. Her eyes get heavy and she's tripping over herself. Bottle number two and nap time it is. I handle the neglected laundry pick up toys gets things organized smoke a cig and maybe a bowl depending on Ds mood and if I'm anxious. 3 rolls around and up she is. Butt change baby cheetos and two hours of play. Dad's home. Yes I get a break. Wrong. We get ready to go to the gym drop D off at the daycare there work out for an hour grab D and head home. D gets dinner while I fix us something. Get D down change her butt again play for maybe another hour depends on D. 8 rolls around. She's acting tired (Yes!) Bottle and bed. Sits on the couch debating what I need to do tonight and what can wait. I usually just wait but sometimes I'll get everything done thinking tomorrow's easier. Get showered (some days) lay in bed. H is showing signs he wants to get lucky (seriously dude after everything and everyone I've taken care of today now I gotta take care of you too) Sometimes I give in and when I do I don't regret it and some nights I don't even wanna be in the same bed as him. I figured maybe if I could somehow show him a schedule of everything I do in one day he'd wanna help more so I'd have more energy for him. Buuuut instead I'm having the same arguement about house work and sitting here on the couch resenting him for not helping me more. I'm not sure how to handle these feelings anymore I'm just so angry against him. And writing down my day just made me go shit I'm not over reacting I'm sincerely in need of help here.

[kaywillruns]

Recap & Plan

read 2 chapters of Orthodoxy

30 pages of Anna Karenina

organize tables & sideboard

vacuum whole house

all bathrooms

keep kitchen clean

have living room clean by sunday evening

do hair

get my bag and daycare bag ready for monday morning

I didn’t get everything done this weekend. I didn’t do any exercise, but I exercised 5 days this week so that’s okay. 

Tomorrow I go back to school. I’m a big bag of mixed emotions. I’m still mad at myself for not wanting to use the degree I have. I’m scared to leave my baby at daycare. I’m scared it’s going to be too hard to be a mom, a wife, and a student. I’m scared I’ll regret not being home, even though I often hate it. I’m scared I’ll fail. 

But there’s also apart of me that is excited by the sight of my textbooks and excited to thrive. There’s a part that’s excited to be me again, the excellent student, over-achieving Katlyn, not just the Daniel’s Mom, Philip’s wife Katlyn. 

I probably wont sleep well tonight.

The plan for tomorrow is to drop the kid off at about 8:30. I don’t have class until 11 on Mondays, but I want him to be on a consistent schedule and I want to have those few hours for homework in the future. I have a few errands to run today. Car wash (ugh snow), diaper pick up at target, library book return. I need to remember to bring a sizable snack to eat before class. Class from 11-12:15. When I get out Daniel will be napping at daycare (or refusing because it’ll be the first day and I think he’ll be scared and that makes me sad). I’ll come home, change and go run. It may be the only day the weather allows. Shower and eat a quick lunch. Pick him up at about 2:15. Bring him home and snuggle him so freaking hard and play with him. I want to give him my attention for the rest of the evening, whenever I can. 

Husband starts pastor school again tomorrow so I’ll be on my own. Daniel will need a bath after dinner and he may even need to go to bed a little earlier since he’ll be waking up earlier, but I’ll see how he is. Normal bedtime is 7:30. After he’s down I’d like to get some pleasure reading done. Then the national championship game will be on, so I’ll watch by myself until husband comes home and then enjoy it with him.

Tomorrow’s food will be a mix. I’ll try to eat on point for breakfast, dinner, and snack, but lunch is going to be leftover indian so who knows the calories on that, but I’m not going to worry about it. I’m sure it’ll be especially yummy after a noon run. 

So, to put it in bullet form (plus a few other things):

errands

healthy snack

class

start on chapter 1 for a&p

pleasure reading

clean master bath

run

dedicated Daniel play time