#i have to get ready to go places but i couldnt not spend thirty minutes thinking about Him again

[catscidr]

arlecchino’s voiceline about dottore is rly cementing in him being the best harbinger im sorry. ur telling me he’s crazy but has manners? he asks before doing something? and if you tell him No he’ll js be like “okay” and move on? my husband…… he’s so respectful and polite….. isn’t he so dreamy

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “What Happened.”

Sorry for any issues this one might have, but I am trying to write it between flights and and scrambling to find a plug that will work, so I hope you like it anyway, and I hope it answers some questions you have 

Three months leave

IT was going to take an extra three months  before the ship would be ready for launch. Even as they spoke, it was docked at the Europa station as they put on the final finishing touches. Until then, it had been Commander Vir’s job to go through files on the personnel he wanted aboard his new crew.

He had suggested some alien additions to make the crew more diverse, which the GA had loved considering that the ship was an amalgamation of both human and alien technology. It had Rundi communications systems, Celzex weaponry, Vrul shields, and  a Tesraki warp core. The design otherwise was completely human. But for those reasons, the project was obviously very time consuming, and they were lucky that it was going to be finished in as little a time as it was.

Sunny hadn’t seen Adam very much in the last month or so considering that he had been working hard to find an extra five hundred members for his crew, and speak with the brass about what he had seen on the other side of the wormhole.

Sunny knew that it was important that Adam do his job, but a part of her was annoyed they hadn’t been able to speak properly since getting back.

Instead, she was stuck in base housing on the cost, alone and with nothing to do aside from long walks on the beach. She had never been the the beach beforehand as anin didn’t have any substantial bodies of water like that, at least near her, and there was something about the endless water that unsettled her. Even Krill and Conn were off doing important things. Krill was giving his services to a level one trauma center in New York, and Conn was helping the base MPs conduct polygraph tests, though he had sort of replaced the polygraph.

That left Sunny alone most days to think.

She hadn’t gotten over Adam’s disappearance, and not how he had tricked her, pushing her from the bridge before turning around and preparing himself for death. She felt a bit cheated, and like a decision had been made for her. She wasn’t stupid, logically she knew that is what she would have done if she were in his place, so she couldnt fault him for that, though she still coudln’t help feeling hurt over it.

And these thoughts she was left to stew on, tossing and turning in the quiet of the night while everyone else was out and busy.

Needless to say she didn’t expect the little bell on her front door to ring late one evening, and when she opened the door she certainly didn’t expect to see Adam waiting on her front porch.

HE was smiling, though the skin around his face and neck were already flushed a light pink with embarrassment.

In his arms, he held a large collection of flowers.

“May I come in?”

“Adam!” Her surprise was a bit delayed 

He shuffled his feet, “I uh, I got the go ahead to take the day off so I…. thought I would see you.”

He shifted again.

He looked better now than he had on returning from his ordeal, face clean-shaven and in clean clothes that actually fit, though she had to admit his cave-man look hadn’t been so bad.

She stepped aside, and he tentatively followed.

She closed the door and he turned to face her, “I uh…. um … well I…. flower…. Or I mean, I got you, flowers I…… Bought some, but also picked…. some ….. I not that that really matters I just.”He sighed took a deep breath and cleared his throat, “I got you flowers.” he held them out, and she took them in half amusement, picking one from the top and popping it into her mouth before setting them down on the little side table.

“Look, I’m sorry we haven't been able to talk since I got back… and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit of me avoiding having a tough conversation.”

“I like that you are at least being honest with me.” She said quietly., “Do you want to sit down?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, “Actually, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go on a walk…. I.. I think better when I walk.”

She shrugged and agreed, following him outside to where a thin layer of clouds had veiled the sun which was slowly inching towards the horizon. The clouds muted the colors and the sea was grey in the distance.

Together they walked a little ways along the sand, him shifting nervously, and her walking to the side, relaxed though she didn’t feel like it 

The silence stretched on for nearly a mile before Sunny -- growing frustrated -- was forced to break it.

“You tricked me.”

He looked down at his feet, “I did.”

“You tricked me, and because of that I have had some of the worst few months of my life.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I understand you did what you thought you had to, and I get it that if I was in your place, I would have done the same without hesitation, but…. I I feel cheated, and I feel used, and for some reason I can’t stop it.”

He looked away, “I’m not sure what to say.”

“At least say SOMETHING.”

HE turned to face her single green eye wide. Looking down she could sense that his hands were shaking. A part of her felt bad about that, but they needed to have this conversation, and she wasn’t going to let him out of it.

“I… would do it again to save your life, and I won’t apologize for that, but I’m sorry that that’s how you feel.”

“I thought we were a team.”

“And we are.”

She paused, her feet digging hard into the sand, and he drew to a halt beside her, “I need you to understand Adam, when Drev say a team, they mean a battle pair and that means….”

“I know, I know……. I know what it means, and I am agreeing with you.”

“Will, you try, for me.”

“Yes, but sunny, I I don’t know how well it will work out, I…. well I’m broken when it comes to this sort of thing I don’t even know if I can.”

They went silent again and she could see the veins pulsing in the side of his neck. Beads of sweat collected on his brown and face. He looked almost nauseous, like he was scared or something, that too made her feel bad, but she didn’t really know how to help.

On instinct, she reached out a hand, inches from his before pausing, “I…. Can I?”

He paused look down at her hand.

His clenched into a fist.

He was pale whit like snow now.

“I…. I don’t think I can right now but…. Thanks for asking.”

She watched the expression on his face closely, and on his face she saw him proceed through a rapid series of emotions starting with fear, working over to shame, sadness and finally ending on guilt.

He turned away.

She walked up next to him, head tilted, “You don’t have to, Adam, but maybe if you told me why I could better understand. Of course you don’t have to.”

He took a deep shaky breath, “You deserve to know. But just don’t… I don’t know laugh or something. I know logically it wasn’t a big deal but….”

“Adam, I promise I won't laugh, you have my word.”

He nodded his head slowly and sighed, “I can trace it all back to one event I think. It was MY freshman year of high school…. Maybe and I was the awkward, nerdy sci-fi weirdo who believed in UFOs and Aliens.

***

Adam Sat Under a tree outside the school arms wrapped around his knees back tucked against the bowl of a tree which cast the shadow of its leaves down over the ground to wave and rustle in a light breeze.

It was lunch break, and he was watching the other teens standing around in their cliches. The football jocks were playing a game to one side, the cheerleaders were clustered around a bench, and all the rednecks were sitting in the back of their trucks in the parking lot laughing loudly and occasionally turning on their trucks just to rev the engines as loud as possible.

His hair was long-ish, kind of scruffy and hanging down around his ears. The clothes he wore were baggy hand me downs from his older brother Jeremy (a senior) and shoes with holes in them from his older brother Thomas.

He didn’t mention the holes to his mom, dad was in between jobs right now, not that it was a big deal, he would find work, it was just paperwork in the way, but he didn’t want to worry her with something extra that didn’t matter right now.

He looked down at the ground where he had a stack of books waiting in the grass for him, The Martian, War of the Worlds, and an old tatty compendium of start wars stuff with pictures and diagrams.

The T-shirt he was wearing was one he had purchased online, and had a diagram of the star-trek enterprise on it.

He shuffled his feet in the grass waiting for his brothers to show up and feeling sort of lonely as he waited.

Since he was a little younger, he got out a half an hour before they did, and only got to spend thirty minutes of his half hour lunch break with them, otherwise he tried to avoid people as much as possible. It wasn’t that he was bullied per-se, because he wasn’t really, neglected by his peers was probably a better term for it.

They were nice to him in the way you are nice to small children or crazy people, keeping up polite conversation just long enough to leave as soon as possible. He was used to the treatment, and didn’t bother subjecting people to his presence more than he had to. He knew he was weird.

He was sure he would have a harder time if it were not for his older brothers. Jeremy, who was a popular football player, David because he was student body president, and arguably the best looking guy in school, though he never seemed to be dating anyone, and Thomas, who was a bit of a loose cannon and didn’t mind getting in fights to protect his family members when he wasn’t hanging out with the other weird and unpredictable kids.

He was sitting there thinking about his brothers and staring down at the grass, when he saw a pair of shoes appear in his vision. They were white vans, or something similar with bright green laces, and when he looked up he saw a girl standing over him. The school was small enough that he recognized her immediately. Her name was Amanda and she jumped between the Drill team and the Basketball Girls click.

She was smiling, and he watched her as she turned her head back to her group of friends who were giggling and trying not to look like they were looking over in their direction.

Adam sat up a little straighter, “Can I help you.”

She smiled at him, her cheeks slightly pink, “HI…. Adam.”

He frowned, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

She shuffled her feet, and off in the distance, her friends giggled and looked away.

“Can I help you with something?’ He wondered, waiting for the punchline somewhere. Something about the weird UFO kid, or maybe they were going to ask him to help them do something against school rules, so when they got caught they could all blame it on him. Or maybe they were going to ask him to be the designated Sherpa for their bags or something.

He had been tricked into most of those things before, though by now the teachers and the principal knew that he was just socially stupid and not a troublemaker.

“Relax ok, I’ve just come to say sorry?”

“Sorry for what?”

“Sorry for treating you like you were weird.” When she smiled it seemed genuine, “You see its…. One of my friends.” More giggling I the background, “She thinks you’re cute, but she didn’t know how to act before.”

He glanced past her to where  the group of girls had burst in to excessive giggling.

He frowned again, “I’m not stupid, you know.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

She crossed her arms, “Serious, Adam.”

“Who is this friend of your.” His eyes narrowed, but past that he was looking towards one of the girls in the group. She was pretty  with honey blonde hair and an infectious smile.  She played the violin, and he knew for a fact that she was a comic book nerd. He had seen her carrying them around, and she was a petty good artist too. He felt his face flush a bit but tried to fight it back.”

“She smiled, “Avery.”

His eyes shot wide, and he felt his face turn scarlet. The part of his brain that had been skeptical immediately shut off as the human brain is prone to do when they think something good might be about to happen.

“I… really.”

She grinned, “Really.” She reached into her pocket and passed him a note, “She wants you to meet her by the stadium.”

His hands were shaking a bit as he took the note, but he felt his heart hammering in excitement.

Was this his way out of exile?

He had always been extroverted, starved for all the friends he wanted and all the people he wanted to talk to. Avery had the life that he wished he did, a large circle of friends, and fun things to do every weekend.

Maybe with her around, he would finally have that.

All the better if they were dating, but he was getting ahead of himself.

He watched as the group of girls dispersed and Avery moved towards the back of the building over towards the stadium, her beautiful, honey-blond hair blowing in the wind.

He stood awkwardly gathering up his things and shoving them in his bag without zipping the zipper all the way before turning and cutting around the other side of the school. His heart hammered in his chest and his hands were cold and sweaty as he made his way around the other side of the building and towards the stadium.

His heart only began to race faster when he saw her standing alone under the stadium between the cross-bars and in the shade of the metal benches above.

He approached nervously, his hands shaking in excitement.

She turned her head, bright blue eyes catching his.

He stopped in place at the edge of the shadow. But she smiled and waved him in, “Adam over here.”

He followed nervously his feet trailing in the dirt. As she approached she nervously rocked back and fourth on her heels hands in her pockets. He paused a few feet away. She looked up at him through her lashes, and he noted she was wearing little Iron Man earrings.

“Hi.” She said nervously

“Hi.” He replied back

She shuffled her feet, “Look I…. I’m sorry about laughing at you earlier today In class I…. well I think your funny, not, like in a bad way or anything.”

HE knew he was bright red at this moment, probably brighter red than any tomato, “Really?”

“Yeah, so I wanted to say sorry, and…. And maybe make it up to you.”

His heart was in his throat, “Oh, you, you don’t have to.”

“But I want to.”

It went quiet as she stepped forward, and he was frozen in place. She was right in front of him now. She leaned forward a little, and he was frozen in place. Her eyes closed, and then so did his, he waited for the moment, and waited, and waited, but nothing came.

Someone snickered, and he cracked an eye to see Avery’s once pretty face twisted up into a sneer of contempt and malicious amusement.

“April fools.” She jumped at him, and in surprise he tripped backwards over one of the metal bars landing hard. The zipper of his backpack, not all the way done up, erupted outward spilling all his books out onto the dirt.

Laughter.

He turned his head looking around to the cracks in the stadium seats where dozens of eyes stared at him laughing.

Avery stood over him as others began flooding down from their spots laughing.

He crawled back, his head down, “But it’s not even April.” He whispered

“Its not even April.” Someone mimicked from behind, and he ran into soemthing hard looking up to see one of Avery’s friends standing over him. She was state shotput champion last years, and her arms were as big as his head, “What is this.” She reached down and picked his book off the ground.

“Please, give it back.” He said crawling to his knees and reaching up for it.

“The Martian.”

“please.”

She flipped open a few of the pages. He stood up trying to reach for his book but he was blocked by another two of her friends.

The laughter continued, the mocking voices over and over and over again.

He tried to push forward reaching for his books which had been picked up off the ground.

“Gross, Its all sticky!” the friend yelled.

“No it isn’t.” He protested, it was true, he took very good care of his books. But of course no one listened. A chorus of disgust rose up around him. His books were dropped, one clattering to the rocks its pages bending, the other one landing halfway in a puddle of stagnant water.

He cried out and dove forward pulling it out of the water even as mud dripped form the hardback.

He cradled it in his arms, feeling hot tears of anger and humiliation begin to prickle at the corners of his eyes.

Laughter continued.

“Look.”

Fingers pointed.

HE stood fists clenched ready to hurt someone, but when he turned the same girl from before hand his book in either hand and when he moved she pulled.

There was a sharp ripping noise as the spine of the book tore a quarter, and as he cried out she laughed and dropped it into the puddle.

As a paperback, the book didn’t stand a chance.

Mud and water caked his hands as he reached in to pull it out on his hands and knees. Something hit him hard in the back and he pitched forward into the puddle getting the book wet a second time as the kids laughed.

He scrambled sitting up coughing and spluttering feeling the slimy grittiness of the water on his lips.

Someone knelt down next to him. A voice in his ear, “If you tell anyone. I’ll tell the teacher you tried to touch me.”

Tears dripped down his cheeks as he tried wiping mud from his face. The laughter receded and he was left along kneeling on the gravel.

His face grew hot and read as he stared down at the ruined cover of his book. Hot tears dripped onto the mud coating his hands.

His breathing started up in great gasps his heart hammered so fast he thought it was going to burst out of his chest. His head was going to explode either from anger or frustration he didn’t know. Choked sobs broke from his mouth as he knelt over the books ruined in his hands. He couldn’t breathe. He stood vision clouded face hot wet and muggy from the heat.

And then he ran.

He had no idea where he was going or what he was doing.

His paperback held muddy and dripping in one hand he pelted into the woods and didn’t stop running until his foot caught on a branch and he went rolling into the leaves.

He lay there on his stomach heart still hammering breath still coming in ragged gasps. He just couldn’t calm his breathing down.

He didn’t know where he was.

He felt like he was having a heart attack, or dying, or something. He lay there gasping on the forest floor for hours.

It grew dark. The mud dried on the back of his book and against his chest and hands.

It was only when he heard the voices did he finally sit up, mud caked and bleary eyed.

“Adam!”

“Adam!”

There were no other sounds for a long moment before the call started up again.

He stumbled over, it was dark so his feet kept coughing on branches and twigs.

“Adam, ADAM! I swear ADAM.”

“Thomas?” He said his voice so raw it was barely above a whisper.

“ADAM!” Footsteps rushed towards him through the trees, and Thomas burst from the foliage his scruffy blind hair run wild, his jeans covered in dirt, “Adam there you are where have you-“

He didn’t have time to say much else as he was hugged tight around the middle.

“Adam I…. what’s wrong. What happened! Who did this to you!”

Thomas looked ready to rip someone apart, but Adam didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t say anything about the event for the next two years.

***

Sunny stared wide eyed as Adam turned away again.

“Look, I know its stupid, it happens to plenty of kids and they don’t take it the way I did, but. I mean, with the panic attack on top of it, and then a few years later the same thing happened on my first date, so now I just… I can’t…”

Sunny was quiet for a moment while he looked away.

“Who the FUCK do they think they are.” She snarled.

He looked up in surprise, “I what.”

She marched around in a circle, “What the hell kind of person does that to someone. That’s just sick and wrong. That is just… horrible.”  She pulled out her spear, “I swear If i ever meet someone like that if i ever meet THEM, I am going to-”

He caught her arm, “Sunny stop, it was a long time ago.”

“It doesnt matter!”

A small smile cut across his face, “IT doesn't matter sunny, you want to know why.”

“Why.”

“Because I saw their pictures.” he grinned, “Avery got really fat and her friend got hit by a car, not fatally but I consider it Karma doing me a solid.” He paused, “It’ll be ok…. I just need some time. Think you can do that for me?”

She paused and nodded her head, “Yes, I think I can.”

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Birthday Request

Gif credit @scxssxrhxnds666 Thank you again.

Requested by Anon. I hope you enjoy!!

Happy Reading Dollies. 

@chriscrosscerulli  @ilovetaquitosmmmm

Warning PURE SMUT!!!

"Ryan"?  You came in his room without knocking, laying down on the bed. You had a key so it was okay. He would come home find you sleeping in his bed and just snuggle in and sleep with you. You were that close of friends so what you were about to ask him seemed the right thing to do.

"I'm in the shower". His yell was muffled through the door and by the shower running.

"Are you almost done"?

You heard the shower cut off and sat up. Waiting for him to come out.

Ryan opened the door soaking wet a towel hung low on his hips. Water dripped off his hair and rolled down his chest. It made your mouth water. You licked your lips looking him up and down, humming to yourself.

"So what's the big hurry for getting me out of a hot shower that I've been waiting on since I got back from tour"? He wiped the water from his stubbled chin.  

"Well my birthday is in two days and I know what you can get me"?

"I've already got you a present". He said leaning on the door frame.

"How much it cost"?

"Enough". "Why"?

"I want something that you don't buy with money. That means you can take it back and save money to spend on shit you don't need". You let a giggle. He huffed crossing his muscular arms.

"Okay, what is it"?

"I want you to take my virginity". You sat there watching Ryan's expression change. It went from a smile to confused then to a little blushing smirk.

"You want what now"? He cleared his throat.

"I want you to fuck me. Plain and simple".

"I thought you hooked up with that guy from warped tour the summer from last"?

"Eww no. He tried but I turned him down. He gave me the creeper vibes besides where would we have done it, you were on my back the whole time"?

"I was look out for you, I couldn't let you come home in a body bag now could I? Your mother would have my head on a platter".

"Very true".

"So let me get this straight, you want me to take your virginity as your birthday gift from me but you plan the whole thing"?

"Yes. I will get everything in order cause I have a picture of what I want. All you have to do is show up and you know". "Bow chicka bow wow". You laughed trying to ease the embarrassment of talking about your virginity.

"Wow, um okay, sure". Ryan ran his hand through his stringy wet hair.

"Yes, dude thank you so much". You hugged him tightly. Pulling back your shirt was wet and Ryan's eyes went straight to your boobs.

"Or we could do it now"?

"I'm not ready".

"Your hard nipples are saying something different. Look at those things they're hard as rocks". Ryan chuckled poking your boob.

"I think I'm regretting asking you". You smacked his hand away with laughter.

"I'm kidding. I'll see you on your birthday". He kissed your cheek.

"See ya, oh and wear something sexy". You said opening the bedroom door.

"As in"?

"A suit and tie"? "Maybe a little make-up"?

"Fine for you". Ryan smiled sweetly.

"Thanks Ryan".

"Yeah". Ryan threw himself on the bed with a plop. What has he gotten himself into, he thought. But he was honored that you asked him instead of one of your sleazy guy friends. He didnt trust them as far as he could throw them. Ryan was going to make sure your first time was special just like you.

"There's the birthday girl". Ryan rushed past people giving you a bear hug, picking you up spinning you around.

"Someone's excited". You pushed his shoulders playfully.

"I might have drank a little before I came here". He confessed.

"Are you not wanting to do it? You can back out Ryan".

"No no. I just drank a little to calm my nerves. I have to talk to your mom, if she found out that I was the one she would chase me down the street with a frying pan and she would get me too. A frying pan to the back of the head is not very sexy". Ryan rambled. He may have drank more than a little but it was cute. He was worried about your mom finding out. She may not have liked Ryan, well at all. He was the devil in her eyes.

"Okay, if you're sure"?

"I'm positive". He cupped your face.

Ryan looked you over, he bit his bottom lip. You were wearing a dress that showed your curves and made your breast pop. Your mother hated it but you felt hot. Like you could take on the world.

"You look incredible".

"Thank you. You took the whole sexy thing to a whole new level of hot". Cocky Ryan came out as he fixed his black tie

"Nothing but the best for you". He gave you a wink.

"Happy birthday to you". Your family and friends started to sing, you blushed. You hated the attention on you.

"Blow out the candles princess". Ryan roared over the clapping with laughter. Your mother gave him a disappointing look. You smiled and blew out the candles. Your wish was coming true that night. Giving your virginity to the guy you secretly loved.

The party lasted for a couple hours. Your mother and Ryan helped clean up. They exchanged looks the whole time. She was not happy that he stayed to help.

"I don't like that he has princess as your nickname". She said grabbing cups from the table.

"He's harmless mom chill". You watched Ryan fold up the chairs.

"His band is frightening". She whispered.

"And? Not everyone that listens to them wants to murder someone". You sarcastically smiled at her. "I don't".

"I want him gone when I leave. You shouldn't be alone with him".

"After five years of friendship you still can't trust him"? "I went on warped tour with him and his band".

"You left without telling me until you called from god knows where to ask if I would water your plants. I was worried sick."

"Why? He took really good care of me. He made sure I was eating and having fun unlike you. You smother me with your worrying. I'm twenty five I should be able to be friends with who I want and go places without asking". You huffed taking the trash bag and slinging it on the table.

"You should. I just worry about you out in this world all alone".

"I'm not alone I have Ryan. He'll make sure I don't get into to much trouble". You blushed shyly as Ryan winked at you.

"He's the trouble that I worry about". She mumbled under her breath but you heard it and it made you furious.

"I had a great birthday mom. Thanks. I'll finish this up tomorrow". That was her queue to leave.

"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow". She kissed your cheek.

She stopped at Ryan. "Y/N wants to get to bed. She'll finish this tomorrow. You can leave".

"Okay. I'm going to go say bye". Ryan walked over to you.

"You okay"?

"Yeah. She wants you to leave so leave then give me thirty minutes and come back. Make sure she's gone".

"Cool, okay". "I'll be back". Ryan kissed your other cheek that your mother didn't kiss and walked out with your mom. You watched them get into their cars and drive off. You let out a squeal and ran to your bedroom. Excitement taking over your body.

Watching the clock you wanted time to go by faster. It had been fifteen minutes and you were already for Ryan. You had changed into a black lace baby doll nightgown. You saw it and you had to have it even if it was just for yourself but when Ryan agreed you knew that he would love it. It made you feel sexy.

Your phone vibrated on the nightstand. Quickly answering it.

"Hello"?

"Is it safe to come back"? You heard Ryan's voice and you lit up.

"Yeah, she texted me and told me she was home".

"Okay". Ryan cranked up his car driving off.

"I'm waiting for you. The door is unlocked". You told him and hung up.

You felt like you were going to jump out of your skin. This was really happening.

Ryan opened the door slowly, his eyes went to the rose petals on the floor that lead to your bed room. He followed them to you. Getting to the door Ryan took off his jacket and dropped it to the ground by the door frame.

The creaking of the door got your attention. Ryan stood at the door in awe. His pupils dilated and feeled with lust as he saw you laying on the bed in your babydoll. Candles flickered and music played softly in the back ground. Ryan smelt the perfume that he loved so much.

"I think I'm in heaven". He was supposed to think that but it came out instead.

"I'm glad you like what you see". You strutted over to him swaying your hips. It felt dumb but you went with it.

"Are you sure this is your first time"? He asked as you grabbed his tie pulling him to the bed.

"First time having sex yes, first time seducing a guy no". Ryan tilted his head.

"It's a long story". You started unbuttoning his shirt. Running your hands down his torso, removing his shirt by pulling it down his arms.

"I don't want to know" He chuckled.

Ryan leaned in he smelt of peppermint and cigarettes. His eyes never leaving yours as he rubbed your arms. He could feel the goose bumps starting to rise.

"You nervous"?

"No, I trust you". You leaned in attaching your lips to his.

A moan escaped your mouth as he picked you up laying you on the bed. His tongue dancing with yours. Ryan kicked his shoes off and he started to unbutton his pants not breaking the kiss. It was hard but he managed.

You pulled back to catch your breath. Ryan sat on the bed pulling his pants off leaving him in his black boxers. He was very excited, the bulge in his boxer didn't lie.

You couldnt take your eyes off it. It was addictive but the size made you gulp.

Ryan must have seen it cause he rubbed your leg.

"We can stop".

"No, I just don't know how that is going to fit". You said pointing to the tent growing even bigger in his boxers. Ryan busted out laughing. You giggled nervously.

"It will but it will take a couple tries at first and I promise that I will go slow and stop if you want to".

"We may need a safe word".

"For real"? Ryan looked down at his lap. "It's not that big".

"What are you talking about it's huge". "The biggest one I've ever seen".

Ryan smirked licking his lips proudly.

"It's going to be okay".

"Still we need a safe word".

"Fine, how about pumpkin"?

"Pumpkin"?

"Then you pick something". He threw his arms up.

"Pumpkin it is". You sighed.

"You ready"?

You nodded taking Ryans hand bringing him to you.

Ryan started kissing your neck, his hands tangled with yours above your head. He traveled down your torso. Kissing ever inch.

You sat up so Ryan could take off your nightgown. You were completely naked underneath. Quickly covering your breast with your arms.

"Don't cover yourself. You're perfect". Ryan moved your arms, he brought his lips to your breast placing tender kisses on your nipples.

Your head leaned back from the pleasure. You never felt this way before.

"You good"? Ryan stopped to ask.

"Please don't stop". You groaned.

Ryan went back to kissing down your body. He got to your thighs. Placing one on his shoulder and the other beside him he licked his thumb and began circling your clit.

"Mmmm". You hummed. Ryan watched as you trembled as your first orgasm hit. You've masturbated before but with another person's touch made you come faster than you expected.

"Wow". You pushed your hair back as you pushed off the bed.

"That's just the beginning". He pushed you back down on the bed kissing you.

"Are you sure"?

"I'm not saying pumpkin, Ryan". You giggled as he started tickling you.

Ryan pushed his boxers down one side at a time. He threw them on the floor, grabbing a condom from his pants pocket.

"I have some". You told him.

"The guy should always be packing". He chuckled as he ripped the tinfoil packet with his teeth.

"Do you need help"? You asked but yelled at yourself because he's the experienced one. "Of course you done, sorry".

"You can help". Ryan took your hand and helped him roll it down on his cock. You could feel a vein poking out. He was thick and long. You still didn't know how he would fit.

"Are you ready"? Ryan asked once again.

"Yes". You nervously said. Ryan spat in his hand and rubbed his saliva on his tip. Lining himself up. You could feel him at you entrance. Ryan spat again in his hand this time the spit was for you.

"Is this okay"? "I could get lube or something"?

"Yeah its fine. Just use alot" You giggled.

Ryan spat about five more times into his hand and poured it on you. He rubbed his cock through it and slowly slipped in. You hissed as he was stretching your walls. Your nails dug into his arms. Ryan stopped noticing you were uncomfortable.

"Pumpkin"? He asked

"I'm fine, keep going". You gasped as he pushed in a little more.

"This feels awkward as fuck".

"Sex is awkward but it could be the greatest thing if you got the right partner".

"Thanks for doing this Ryan".

"I wouldn't have it any other way". He wiped a tear away on the corner of your eye, you kissed his hand cradling it against your face.

Ryan pushed all the way in he didn't move all he did was kiss your face. The pain was easing and soon there was none.

"You can move now".

Ryan slowly thrusted his hips. You wrapped your legs around his waist. Pleasure was over coming the pain and awkwardness.

"Oh god". You breathed out.

"Y/N you feel so good". Ryan moaned biting your shoulder.

You raked your nails down his back as he went faster. Your body's were melted together with sweat.

Ryan's thrust became long and deep. He hit a spot in you that made you come.

"Fuck Ryan". You held onto him as you shake. He wrapped his arms around your body holding you tightly stopping to let you ride it out.

"That was so good". You whispered out your voice trembled.

"You want to try something"?

"Yeah". Ryan flipped you over onto his lap.

He held on to your hips guiding your hips to a rhythm of slow and deep. Ryan laid his head on your chest leaving butterfly kisses on your collar bone. You wrapped your arms around his body.

"I love you". Ryan whispered on your skin.

You bit your lip with a smile. You couldn't believe it.

"I love you too". You moaned as Ryan held on to you and pounded into you.

"Oh god. Fuck".

"I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come".

"Come on me". Ryan grunted as you clenched around him.

Your body exploded from pleasure. Ryan clung to your body as he came.

"You are something great". You said as you collapsed on Ryan. He laid down trying to catch his breath.

"I told you it would be special".

You snuggled into Ryan's chest. His heart beating fast just as yours.

"Thank you for doing this. I'm glad that it was with you". You kissed his lips.

"I'm glad you picked me. Just thinking about you doing this with someone that wouldn't treat you right makes my skin crawl".

"Easy tiger, you're the only one I wanted to do this with. I would have waited forever for you".

"Really"?

"I love you. Always have, just been to chicken to tell you". You chuckled as you traced his tattoos.

"I felt the same way but I was to chicken shit to ask you because of your mother. She scares the shit out of me".

"You wont have to worry about her".

"Oh I got you something" Ryan scooted out from underneath you and got out of bed and walked to the door.

"Where you going"? You asked sitting up in bed.

"No where just have to get something out of my jacket". He picked up his jacket and went through the pocket taking out a long black case.

"What have you got there"?

"My present". He slid back into bed with you getting under the covers. Wrapping his arm around you.

"This is my present, you didnt have to get me anything I told you that". You opened the box and your mouth dropped.

"Oh Ryan". You pulled out a guitar pic shaped necklace that was engraved "Be Mine" with Ryan's handwriting. On the back it said I love you always and forever.

"Thank you. I love it and I love you". You kissed him passionately.

"I've had it since warped tour". " We went into some store, I saw it and I knew that it had to be around your neck to show everyone you're mine".

"You are the most sweetest, kindest and loving man that I have ever met and I'm honored to be yours. I promise to give you your gaming time and not bother you. To not mock you when you're being childish and to love you for all eternity".

Ryan stuck out his hand for you to shake. With a straight face and said "It's great doing business with you, I'm definitely coming back". You took his hand and he pulled you in attaching your lips together.

"You're such an adorable dork. I love you".

"I love you even more".

Ryan snuggled into the bed with you by his side. You placed the necklace around your neck. Ryan was right it looked perfect on you. You spent the entire night in bed just talking, laughing and having sex. It really was a great birthday and the best birthday gift you could've asked for.

[k0o0be]

Bikepacking trip

full send

My bike trip:

so i and my bro made a plan to cycle from ooty to banglore.i was super excited for the triip.but the sad part was that i and my bro had a fight he day prior to leavingg.it was beacause he changed the plan without my conset and now we were headed to a hillstation with no prospects of ccycling.you know it felt really weird fighting with him because we were in this together.. Ive read many travel joouornals where this seemed to have happend.anywayonce we got on the train with our bikes packed i decided to let it go.i didnt want that to spoil the mood of the trip.anyway so we went to kodaikanal whch is a beautiful hill station towerin above the clouds.we did take our cycles there  but it wasnt a cyclable terrain,with all its ups and downs(infact my bro did try cycling there but his derailer broke and that brought an end to his cycling ),so we figured since we were already there we’d do some hiking and hiking we did.there were lots of places to go by walk and i enjoyed it alot.btw all along the trip i was listening to music by Queen and i had freddie mercury to keep me company,and im so thankful for hm.it was super fun too,we also came across some waterfalls where the water was super chill.the weather up there was really good.we lived upthere in a hostel where we made real nice friends.they were good company.all of them were an artistic bunch.they were either writers or musicians .anyway ,so we spent like three days in kodaikanal.but i was starting to feel bad  about my cycle.we had carried them all the wayupthere but we werent using them at all.so we decided to part ways. I would be doing a smaller version of my orginal plan.and i would meet him at banglore.(hed be taking a direct bus all the to banglore) even he wanted to join but his cycle now was unrepairable,the only problem for him was that he had to carry it all the way to banglore.

So i took a bus from kodaikanal to tiruppur with my cycle disassembled and from tirupur id cycle to banglore which is  approx 350 km.i had taken the bus at evening so i reached tirrupur at midnght.also i was doing a super low budget trip so no hotels for me.i had my tent.so as i reached at midnight i didnt know what to do .the bus stopped outside tirupur on the highway.i got down with all my cycle disassembled.i had no clue where i was and had to assemble my cycle up.for a minute or so i just froze not knwing what exactly to do. I was just realising how different everything was.btw tthis in  place is tamil nadu where they speak tamil and i didnt know tamil.i wasnt sure what i was gonna do for the night.i was hungry and tired and knowhere to sleep. Also no enrgy to set up the tent. So if figured ill just fix up the cycle and just start ridin.i needed some time to process what exacty was happening.so i rode in the dark slowly thinking about what would be next step.i decided ill just  sleep on the road infront of a shop,and ill j wakeup super early and leave before dawn.i used the rain cover of the tent as mat and slept on it .it was the worst sleep i ever had,so many mosquitoes and constant fear of being attacked by the street dogs.that morning i started off super early(well,since i barely slept) and i was FINALLY getting into that cyclng mood.also another local cyclist joined me .we rode togethr and chayyed away while at it.he was the owner of a small clothing line and had a very tedious job.he said he had to work everyday including sundays that too from morning right up until midnight.he barely had any time for anything .he said he had diabetes and therefore recenty had started cycling.that was his only way to relax and unwind.he was really impressed to see me cycling such a distance.he said he also wanted to do something like that but there was no way  he could.he said he came from a really poor family and had worked really hard to get where he was right now and had to work hard hours to keep up with his business.we spoke for a long time ,and i was happy to have company.he was surprised i was doing the trip with such little money.so despite me refusing ,he gave me money and a ton of fruits.like lot of fruits.i didnt want thaat much ,i couldnt carry stuff on my cycle,but he was adamant and i couldnt refuse.so i in return gave him a  box of chocalates i had bought up in kodaikanal.i had so many bananas i decided to have that as both my breakfat and lucnh.which turned out to be a horrible decision because by evning i had  zero enrgy to cycle.also it suddenly started raining .i was soo upset because i was not close to completing my daily qouta of kms.and i had no more energy and it was RAINING.i stopped under some shade and just lying down on the floor on the verge of tears. Spent maybe an half hour there,waiting for the rain to stop .once it stopped i got myself some real food. I ate until i was full.and im so thankful that i did. Then i was back on my bike ready to finsh them miles.the rest of the trip was great .i had met many people and all of them were really nice to me.many offered me food and bananas.(tamil nadu is famous for its bananas).i was goingthrough many villages and i used to stop at a village and ask a local if i could use their bathroom and id take a wonderful bath.btw all i had was a single pair of dress.so id taken bath.wash my clothes and and wear the washed clothes and conitnue driving. theyed dry up in a matter of thirty mintues and it ws actually nice wearing wet clothes it cools  down your body and hhelps against the heat.also had some great food along the way they were really inexpensive and therefore i got to try various different kinds of foods.btw i hadnt used my tent atall.my night time i didnt have energy to set up a tent so id just sleep wherever i felt safe and started off early in the morning before anyone could spot me.and during day time id take long naps during noon time when it was the hottest .id find nice trees with a good scenery and spend noon out there.on the third day i had cycled alot in the morning so during noon i found a nice flower plantation and decided to stay ther for a nap.but the place was so beautiful so i decided to stay there until evening.the farm had lots of trees.and i started climbing them. it was really peaceful out there. I was having the time of my liife

it took me 4 nights and three days to reach banglore. And by the end i was super proud of myself .i had been waiting to do a trip like this since a very long time and i finally did.

I met back upwith mybro in banglore,Btw i had another two days stay at banglore before we caught a train back home.so we stayed with one of my sisters collegemate.he is a really nice guy and took us all around banglore.banglore is a much bigger city than hyderabad(my home).so its  got better rock climbin gyms.i went there for indoor cliimbng and it was really fun.im quite enjoying climbin though im no good at it,it seems really fun.mybro is more into it than i am.i.

I cant wait to get back on the road like that again.i feel the best part about the trip was meeting all the people,everyone were really nice to me.

[newidaho]

3.  FuTech Virtual Home School

Don’t have the time/patience/desire to read with your eyes? Don’t have eyes? Well, have your friend read you this:  You can check out the audiobook for free on Apple, Google, Stitcher, or Spotify.  Subscribe for new episodes every Wednesday!

12 December 2054

This was one of the most beautiful classrooms Charlie had been in all year.  The beach scene was especially nice considering it was winter in New Idaho.  Of course, it never got too cold by the Jungle, but if he ever happened to visit the mountains on the edge of town, Charlie had to wear at least a couple layers.  It was nice to be on a balmy beach in the middle of December.

Of course, most of the heat was in his head.  Though his visual environment showed him sitting on a beach in a group of about 50 other kids, looking out at the sun reflecting off the crashing ocean waves, the actual temperature he felt was no hotter than the room he sat in.  After four hours of class, however, it was easy to forget that this was a simulation—even though the sand underneath him obviously felt like carpet.

‘So, to recap.  If you see a number next to a letter, what does that mean?’  Mr. Carlson stood at the front of the classroom, the dark-skinned math teacher Charlie had met earlier that fall.  He had never met Mr. Carlson in person, of course, so it’s hard to gauge whether this was what he actually looked like.  It was always easier, however, to just believe that nobody doctored their looks in the Virtual Environment.  Charlie himself certainly hadn’t changed his avatar.  Even if he had the money to spend on a decent app for that, none of the students at FuTech were allowed to alter their appearance.  Technically, the same rule went for teachers.  There were rumors, however, that some of the richer students were able to get around this rule.  And it wasn’t hard to believe that the more popular teachers could get around it too.

‘Multiplication!’  The response was voiced with varied excitement by about 20 students.  At FuTech VR HomeSchool, it was drilled into the students to be grateful for their opportunity to have an education, and especially to have an education at FuTech.  After all, it was God’s Will that His children be educated, and the FuTech community was put here to train children and adults alike to carry out this Will in this next generation of Virtual Reality.  What some might call “Displaced Humanity,” FuTech called “Empowered Humanity”.  These new worlds, went the idea, were put here by the Lord Himself.  The Devil was in these worlds too, of course, but FuTech vehemently denied that Satan had any but the smallest influence in any of their students or simulations (for they oughtn’t deny original sin).  They prided themselves on their acknowledgement of God’s gifts.  That’s why all the freshmen were trained to respond with vitality to all their lessons, even though many were quite tired after four hours of classes.

‘Great.  That will do for today.’  Mr. Carlson started to put his belongings in order.  Charlie always thought it was funny when Mr. Carlson cleaned up—he could easily

program his papers to organize themselves.  Of course, part of the responsibility of Empowered Humanity was that they mustn’t forget the history of humans on Earth—Jesus had left them to act without such technological shortcuts for at least 2025 years, after all.  Mr. Carlson put his papers into his briefcase and continued, ‘Why don’t we stand for prayer.’

With a smile, Mr. Carlson motioned for everyone to stand up.  A breeze blew the palm trees around them, lending ambiance to the situation even if Charlie couldn’t feel it.  He noticed, however, that a couple of the students around him shivered.  This implied a couple possibilities.  First, they were likely in a sensory chamber, whether rented or owned.  Second, they had the money to rent or own a sensory chamber.  Charlie knew jealousy was a sin, but he couldn’t help but wish he could have felt even more present on this beach.

‘In the name of the Father and the Son we join hands in the Other World.’  The students moved into a circle and joined hands.  It wasn’t quite like holding hands in real life, but Charlie at least felt a pressure somewhat resembling a human hand due to his Lucid Gauntlets.  His were a couple generations behind, but at least it didn’t feel like he was holding onto nothing.

‘Heavenly father,’ Carlson started, ‘We gather here today, blessed as ever, under your watchful eye.  We thank you for this entrance into a whole new world, and we thank you for watching over us not only in this world that we share together today, but in the world that we all return to when we remove our Masks.  We pray that we may stay ever grateful for this new opportunity for education, and as always, for these new tools that you have inspired humans to create.  We thank you for the community these tools inspire and for the sense of belonging and kinship they allow us to feel toward each other and You.  We ask that you may further guide us in our pursuit of knowledge and that we may continue to learn and prosper with these new technologies.  We ask this in your name, and in the name of the Virtual Savior to come, Amen.’

‘Amen!’

‘We will have 15 minutes until the lobby closes.  If you wish, please stay around and speak about what you learned today.  I will be here if any of you have questions about the final.’

About a quarter of the students walked into the palm trees, out of sight.  Another quarter dove into the waves.  This representation of logging out provided a more realistic visual than the flash of light that might have been imagined by science fiction writers in the early century.  The remaining half of the students either went to talk with Mr. Carlson in a small group or stayed behind to talk with each other.

Charlie already knew how he wanted to spend his Extra Time.  As soon as the prayer circle finished, he had smiled and waved at a beautiful dark-skinned classmate across the circle, effectively welcoming her to talk with him when the day had finished.  Charlie, at 13, was admittedly awkward around girls, but something about the simulation gave him some extra confidence.

‘Hey Gamma,’ said Charlie when they finally met.

‘Hi Charlie.  How was your day?’

‘Oh, you know.  It’s school.  It’s not always fun, but the Lord provided this beautiful beach for us to learn on.  And we get to use what we learn to do the Lord’s work.  So it’s good.’

‘You sound like Mr. Carlson.’

‘Well, good!  Mr. Carlson is very smart!’

Gamma smiled.

‘So what are you going to do the rest of the day?’ Charlie asked her.

‘My dad wants me to help him outside.  It’s starting to snow, and he wants to put little sweaters on some of our trees.’

‘That’s cute.’

‘It’s a little silly—like, why have trees if they can’t grow on their own?  Isn’t that something trees are supposed to do?  But my dad tells me that even though God makes the weather we need, we still can’t assume it will be good for our trees.  He says that he wouldn’t put me out in the winter without a sweater, and the tree is like another kid, in a way.’

‘It’s really that cold where you’re at?’

‘Oh, you know, it’s not that cold.  But we get a little bit of snow around this time of year.  Especially over on the other side of the valley.  But it only really happens at night.  During the day it hardly ever goes below 50 degrees.’

‘It’s not cold at all where I live.’

‘Oh, where do you live?’

‘&^%#))@$!.’  Charlie could feel his lips move, but what he heard was a symphony of computerized beeps and blips.  It was one of the failsafe measures of the FTVRHS—you couldn’t swear and you couldn’t give away any personal information.

Gamma laughed.  ‘Oh yeah?  Sounds like a pretty tough place to grow up!’

Charlie laughed with her, but he had a feeling she could guess where he lived.  Just as it was obvious to him that she lived on the edge of town.  It made sense.  Gamma was beautiful in that way that he had noticed rich girls generally were.  And if she had indeed guessed he lived in South Jungle, he doubted he would ever have a chance.  But maybe, if it was God’s Will….

‘Oh!’ Gamma said, ‘We’re getting the five minute warning!  I think I’ll probably head out anyway.  My dad is waiting for me on the other side.  But it was nice talking to you, Charlie!  Maybe we can hang out sometime if we ever get play-date permission!’  Gamma squeezed Charlie’s hand goodbye, then ran into the waves and dove into the ocean.

Charlie accessed his own in-simulation menu by holding his arms out straight in front if him with his palms together, turning them ninety degrees, and spreading his arms apart vertically.  He placed his hand at the bottom of the menu, waving it over ‘Exit’.

Charlie’s screen went black and he removed his Lucid Mask.  His room was a much less attractive backdrop than the beach, that was for sure.  For one, he only had one small window—not much natural light.  He had a small bookshelf in the northeast corner of his room and a desk in the northwest corner.  His bed was leaned vertically against the wall, a measure he needed to take whenever he went into the Virtual Classroom.  Otherwise there just wasn’t enough room to walk around.  He slowly lowered his bed to the floor, lay on it, and looked at the ceiling, ready to contemplate the world.

Charlie had just barely begun his meditations when his mother simultaneously knocked and entered his room.  Charlie’s mother was still rather young, but she looked older than her age.  Though she had never been much for exercise, she certainly hadn’t treated her body well since Charlie’s birth, and at thirty, she was experiencing significant sagging in her gut and jowls.  She had kind eyes, but a hardened demeanor, and it was obvious she hadn’t come into Charlie’s room to catch up on his day.

‘Hey mom.’

‘Hi Charlie.  How was school.’

‘It was good.’  Charlie paused, planning to elaborate, but his mother continued before he could.

‘That’s good.  Hey, take five minutes or so, but then I need you to play some Mineshaft before dinner.’

Charlie liked video games, but after four hours in Virtual Reality, his eyes were rather tired.  Plus, even the most enjoyable activities feel less fun when they are forced upon you.

‘Hey!’  Charlie’s mom said.  His face must have given him away.  ‘How do you think we can afford a Mask for you in the first place?  How do you think we pay rent in here so you have a roof over your head?  And all I’m asking is an hour of your time, to play a video game.  Do you realize how lucky you have it?  This was not a thing when your grandfather was growing up, I’ll tell you that.  You couldn’t get paid to play video games for an hour.  But now that hour will buy us two nights of dinner.  So be grateful.  Okay?’

‘Okay,’ Charlie said.  ‘I am grateful, mom.  I’ll see you in an hour.’

‘Okay,’ his mother said and walked out of the room.  Charlie took a breath, tilted his bed back again the wall, and put his mask back on.  In his home menu, located in a room Charlie had set to a Japanese Dojo, Charlie waved his hand over the green cube with a big dollar sign over it.  The cube opened up, and three objects floated out.  He waved his hand over the one shaped like a pick-axe.

The Dojo disappeared, and Charlie was in a dark mineshaft.  About 200 feet ahead of him was a wall made purely of Gold.  So that was what he would be handling for the next hour, he thought.  A girl greeted him with a small cup of ore.  He took the cup from her and passed it on to the girl behind him.  He then received an empty cup from another boy behind him and passed it to the girl in front of him, who passed it up to the wall, where about 50 other individuals mined with pick axes.  This is what he would be doing for the next hour.  It wasn’t the most enthralling video game in the world, but at least he got paid for it.

Five people away, Charlie saw another boy remove a small sword from his back and decapitate a rat half his size as it pounced toward him.  Charlie shuddered.  There was something real about that aspect of the game.  He hoped he wouldn’t have to kill any rats today.  He took another cup from the girl in front of him and thought about Gamma, out in the sun, wisps of snow around her, putting knitted sweaters around young trees.

[21yroldmeesh]

back again 7/20/17

iit’s been a year since i have written in this blog and dang it’s kind of heartbreaking to read the “ty” post. i mean ima just be open cause i’m sure as hell people don’t even know about this blog anymore L O L i have 0 followers L O L 

things on the agenda: dan, guy who drove me to va, my first and last hookup

me and dan actually broke up over a month ago (6/16/17... i have a particular thing for dates) and it’s been a weird experience.  i literally thought we were going to get married. you can talk to someone for 5 yrs almost everyday and it only takes a day to become strangers. actually you can get close to a stranger. we’re worse than strangers. with us, it’s best to spend some time apart because if we start talking, we don’t even know what we want from each other. like, we actually have such good chemistry but too much has happened too much pain too many lies. it’s one big clusterfuck. i don’t normally curse but i’m going to curse a lot in this post future michelle. i was willing to live in the boring ass town of ann arbor, michigan and i would have been perfectly happy for simply just being with you and being loved by you. i had so much love for you. your fungus feet, your crackly white tongue, you never brush your teeth, everything weird dumb annoying about you just stopped being that and it was “normal” anyways,

i decided to write again because for the past week, my mind has been all over the place and i think my friends are getting annoyed of hearing me out so here i am.

that night, i tried convincing him that id be able to forget about all that he has done. i was crying. i thought it was so fucking unfair man. whenever he lied to me and i’d try to break up with him, he always held on to me and i am a push over... i gave in every time. that day, we fought and yes, i said let’s break up but i told him i didn’t mean it. and then he just brought up how even though i didn’t mean it, everything i said was right and that we arent good for each other. he kept saying this was for us. we didn’t make each other happy. bull shit. i made u so happy. u were only “not happy” when i wanted u to be mature. i mean this is a memory i want to erase from my head so im not going to go into it. but i just felt so hopeless like you just tied up my arms and i couldnt do anything. i asked you to let me hold on to you ONE time because i let you do that with me. and you just wouldn’t budge. do u know how that made me feel? i felt like everything was my fault. if i didnt bring up anything, we would have still been together. we were doing amazing. you opened up to me for the first time literally the day before we broke up and damn everything just happened so fast. you made me feel like i was the type of person who didn’t let myself be happy.

well, the first night i was completely miserable and suicidal. i don’t even know how i survived but i did. for the first two weeks i cried my damn heart out. i let myself feel pain. i didn’t touch alcohol at all until i knew i was ready to not emotional vomit while drunk. i went in my car, blasted music as loud as i can, sobbed for thirty minutes until i was exhausted and came back home. once you hit rock bottom, you got to come up right? i couldnt be alone. i was always with friends. what the fuck was the MCAT right (ugh) i did this multiple times and i think by the third week, i was feeling pretty good and realized you and i weren’t good for each other. actually, correction, we weren’t good for each other because you weren’t willing to be. i guess i just wasn’t worth it to you anymore. well, correction, i didn’t give necessarily my all either. breakups are never on one person. you just lied to me way too much and i just couldn’t trust you 100%. i said i forgave u but i never really did, did i ? what is relationship without trust. it’s surprising how we even lasted this long. well, its because of our chemistry. whyd you have to go fuck it up dan. you and i had such a good connection LOL maybe u can have that connection with others but im just picky af LOL

actually, i haven’t thought about you dan for a very long time. i sound pretty hung up on you still up there but i’m not. something just happened recently which i will go into later 

but actually i have not thought about you at all. its funny because ive been telling haram “who the fuck is daniel am i rite” hahaha its been fine for me. ill be sad but now i can be alone and just deal with it. im doing really well. when i was dating you, for some crazy reason, i thought i couldn’t be without you. why the hell did i think that? like i went through my darkest times without you and survived every single bit of it. why did i ever think i ever NEEDED u in my life? i havent felt depressed since we broke up. isn’t that the craziest? i never have suicidal urges like i did while dating you. im never sad for too long. im just doing me. being with friends. being with awesome people. meeting new people. and yeah i miss you, but damn i think the emotional roller coaster and the clusterfuck of lies (like you telling susan in MAY THAT U LOVE HER?!!?!?!) just made me like dumb and made me believe i just couldn’t let u go. love is insane. and i am insane. michelle in love. there is no logic in it whatsoever. i’m just the type of person to just give it all she got u know? fucking cheat on me, i’ll be here. fucking take my money, i’ll be here. i think id peace the fuck out for animal abuse doe. but anything else is pretty much game.

but yeah i am no longer that person. i am so special and cool to deal with that LOL im actually not a bad catch. i realized i am going to run far far away from someone who lies to me. it’s just not worth it. i love you. i loved you but damn i just kind of miss u as a best friend. nothing romantic anymore. i just miss talking to u and talking shit with u but you can beg for me back, and it is a huge no from me. also i really respect u stepping up with coco while im not in ann arbor. ur just a bad boyfriend. i always knew that tho and i still went in for it. none of that anymore LOL fck that for real. like i wanna be friends with u just so we can hang out. im not the same person anymore LOL and i just think we would really get along now LOL 

when u said you couldn’t give me a ride i was upset but not really? i just understood. it wouldn’t have been good for us and last week, i don’t think i was ready to be in a car ride with u for that long even when i thought i was. looking back, i think it would have set me back a lot. thanks for making the best decision for us. you were always able to do that, i cant hahaha

but yeah anyways, this guy who i talked to for three days kind of offered to give me a ride. correction, we talked for two and then like he just decided to do that for me. very impulsive but i mean i get it, so am i

as we were talking, i realized we were way too similar to even have any romantic attraction. like, i know he did because i think he saw that as a good thing. but everyone else and me later on, realized, similarity for michelle kim is not the best. she needs excitement, passion, and just someone different for her fire. we were similar so we could have been good friends but i think i realized we couldn’t be more than that when he just started coming off too strong. idk, five days in of talking, he was just telling me don’t fool around with other guys and just like telling me to enjoy my single time while i can and it was very overwhelming. not to mention he dated a girl who actually became pretty closely to me recently and i actually really dig her so that was just a final like nope cause it wasnt worth it at that point. 

so i get to ny and im having all these realizations about the guy who drove me to va while im out with my friends. as im getting all these “boyfriendy” texts im like nope nope nope nd telling my friends i think i have 0 feelings for this guy now. 

next thing you know, my first and last hookup walks over to my friend asks her to smoke and he tells her he thinks im cute. i mean i didnt even know until like round 3 or even until he told me the next day. but yeah we just made quick eye contact and that was it. he joins us for round 2 and dang he is hot as fuck LOOL ok well maybe its cause i literally haven’t seen a guy that hot in a while. L O L like i always liked skinny tall guys. but he was like tall and fit?? like wtf?? LOL it just took me off guard and he was showing interest and i was just suuuuuupppppper drunk so we just went home to my airbnb. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I MADE OUT it was so crazy. like i dont think he believes me because he knew i wasnt a virgin but then i told him i never made out before so he was like so confused but didnt ask me questions cause i guess he just thought i was lying?? idk man. but ya we didn’t do anything except make out and when it got hot and heavy i was just like yo u want pjs and then told him lets just go to bed

l o l 

and hes like a super big gentleman 

he kind of didnt want to leave cause hed say stuff like ill leave when u go out. ill leave when u tell me to leave and i was like “ok u should leave now” and idk how but he just kind of stayed

and then he ordered food and idk we talked about his mom and my mom and we played this dumbass creepy game that we literally made up called black mirror black mirror idk man it was super fun and he even pretended like gdragon, hes a complete clown and i love clowns LOL but yeah he left and i went with my day, saw jane and joohee, came home and he texts me. hes like aksing to hang out and im like yeah if we dont get white girl wasted. 

we meet at one of my fave places beauty and essex. it was awk at first because i did not expect it to be like a bar bar since i came during dinner time last time. but we ended up having a lot of fun and it was good. we tried going to fat buddha but line was too long and one thing led to another, he came over my house and we just kind of made out and i d k what happened but i was suppppppppppper drunk LOL like more drunk than last night that i was dropping my phone in the uber and i was a mess but we ended up having “sex” it was just super fast and weird man. he just felt so diff from dan so i felt really out of it but the other guy finished and i think alc was also hindering his performance and it was just a clusterfuck. we just ended up going to bed. next morning, i know he got into super big trouble with his mom and i felt really bad about that. and then he left. i went to va. he texted me saying have a safe trip and that it was a super fun weekend and yeah that was that. 

im starting to realize i fucking like this guy LOL i mean i prob dont but i thought and think i do u know. im just not the type to do this and i feel like he got the worst image of me LOOL yeah my friends were like michelle ur not the type of person to just have one night stands cause one ima fall in love with them and two ur just not the type

idk i just lost myself from being in nyc

nyc is like the root of all probs 

love that place but still crazy

and ya i think hes kind of cute but i also know hes not really down since im in mich and all so ya ohwellz we’re only 21