#i have thoughts theyve been written. im not sharing them *here* but even so :)

[terriblewritingadvice]

saw that twa posted and immediately thought of you.

thank you as obviously im the one person most affected by whether there is or isn't a new twa video at any given time. /j

[fictionfixations]

i had a thought

spoilers for up to book 6 (i thought dump. A LOT.)

remember the prologue

i have a thought so im sharing it

question: what does he think we can even do to stop. well. anyone??? nobody really listened to us (considering we're magicless too a bunch of ppl would look down on us) until we became like friends to them n stuff?? well ace and deuce listened to us i think but we were united under a goal that at all costs had to be reached. to not get expelled. (except us i forgot what was going to happen to us. ..cause we're not actually students ??. ACTUALLY where the fuck are our papers? did crowley just. make them up? cause if you need papers to expel someone then you need some written form of proof then. which means each student probably has files for them, like. say. proof of 'hey this person goes to this school' etc etc. what did he do with us? did he just not admit we existed to the government? but literally everyone in the school knows we exist so surely one of them blabbed like. idk. maybe some stereotypical rich brat whose like 'EWW THERES sOME' uh 'MAGIcLESs PERSON COMMON fOLK wHAtever the fuck IN THIS prestigious SCHOOL!' and like idfk like how ig maybe some of the rich think the poor will give them a disease just by breathing the same air as them [actually maybe they could though but like YKNOW what i mean] but like. if we're just completely undocumented, excluding the unexplainable shift of some funds for ramshackle i IMAGINE so we can pay for shit and live then are we not really. documented anywhere else? styx probably has something but uhh. also theres probably a bunch of law violations attached that i cant even be bothered to touch at the moment. also there are magic diseases right? but so they also have immunities to stuff. but we're from a completely different world so we've never had contact with their sicknesses. so like. ...yknow how theres a ban around like this one island i cant remember the name of because if you interact with them you'll spread stuff to them theyve never been in contact before with that you might not even realize u have cause ur immune and they'll die? like its illegal to go there at all, they're living entirely without technology. also they're hostile. you will die if you go there [if you dont get caught by the people patrolling to make sure they stay without contact]. ..i mean stuff has happened outside of canon we can see. its canonical that the overblot peeps have gone to counseling and medical mages. so maybe im making a big deal out of nothing)

im. sorry. i got really distracted i didnt intend to spiral down to papers i meant to talk about something else

so just. listen.

actually about the expelling ^ three as in Grim, Ace, and Deuce. oh (so wait if they got in trouble would we just. ..still be able to stay?? ?? he doesnt even address us?? well actually grim isnt a student yet but theres FOUR of us not three then so ????)

wait sorry how did we get here ?? (why are we involved? i dont think crowley spoke to us at all when he was angry at the others with the chandelier 😭)

the wiki might be outdated a little because it doesnt update itself when dialogue changes, people have to notice it and then take the time to add it if anything changed so this is from

so if anything changed since then well huh

(if he blamed us for not being able to stop two teenagers with magic while im magicless though i wouldve been throwing hands but im glad crowley hasnt gone that far. ..he still put a firebreathing cat into our custody though. ramshackle dorm is very flammable isnt it? is dust flammable? idk. a lot of wood also i dont think they know what fire extinguishers are. youd think someone would deal with the flames during the entrance ceremony besides riddle and azul trying to catch the flame setter. or if we have one its very unmentioned.)

but so considering grim is our responsibility.. i have to ask how we're meant to stop him..?

like so this is before we really bond with him (aka we find him annoying. unless u got attached to him right away which good for you, i dont know when he wormed his way into my heart but he did at one point and i realized it at the end of i think book 5 aka ignihyde teaser) so grim wouldnt really listen to us (looks down on us)

also i dont know about you but burns HURT. ive burned myself a few times but they're not like the really bad ones (i dont know the difference between degrees and i feel like googling it will haunt me in my nightmares). i imagine grim cant shoot fire too far? maybe a little more shorter/mid range? what even is mid range idk (and the reason it lasted to hit the statue was because of ace's wind magic imo)

well either he can control the range or he can only shoot it out so far. so then. we'd be really close trying to catch him. maybe its in one of the twistunes where he's running away. he turns around and shoots fire at you. fucking OW (also its BLUE. i dont know how colored fire works, but assuming its blue because its even hotter than normal fire. um. ow.)

like SIR im new to this world i dont know how things work

its like... like being saddled with a baby after being suddenly kicked out of the house with no warning (and thus without any of your stuff besides the clothes youre wearing. ..but youve also been isolated from the world youre whole life so WHAT theres MAGIC? whats this about strange laws i dont know about-- wait THIS IS A BOYS ONLY SCHOOL? .........THERES FURRIES?) and the baby is VIOLENT

like HOLD on a second let me at least get a source of income first before giving me a being that utterly depends on me to survive (well. grim can probably survive on his own if we assume he's lived on his own for a bit until NRC. but um. ...well theres a reason there probably needs to be a bunch of childproofing for grim.) when i can barely figure out how to survive here

so. i feel i got very sidetracked. but its also nearing the time i sleep so my brain is slowing down on me and my thoughts have veered off the train tracks enough that this is just a whole mess of thoughts spewing out

i hope im making sense but im probably not

wanted to crowley bash because why are you putting me in charge of people probably the same age as me (minus grim) but with an advantage against me considering they have magic and i dont (not to say that people who know how to fight cant beat their asses but like. ...i dont know how to fight so.)

but he also hasnt given me reason to in canon i guess (if anythings happened outside of prologue i have no recollection of it. i just went through the wiki searching for every page with 'bill' or 'expense' in it)

surprisingly fanfiction either turns to 'crowley is an asshole' (and also actually pays attention to yuu and blames them like oh) or 'parent crowley' which speaks for itself (and is very cute in its own right but i also dont like him regardless as i dislike all adults that put responsibilities on children to be fucking idk child soldiers or to fight shit or deal with shit. i mean crowley doesnt go that far but i still dont like him)

those fics though start from prologue and go in order (some include vignettes and events) so i assumed that it followed it close enough to be a recreation but [so and so] but i was wrong apparently

still tho

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh Part 2

a/n: lmao this is kinda weird for me but i think this was an interesting request so lets try it!

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

lowkey kyotani kentaro typa beat but you gotta squint (??)

also warning! angst!

anon request: Hii! I just read the seijoh manager headcannon you wrote, it made me cry so much, i love those seijoh boys so much, and you are such an amazing writer! I dont know if requests are open or not but i was wondering what would happen if the boys ever find out what happened to reader cha? If requests aren’t open or if you just don’t want to write about it, I completely understand! Thank you for your wonderful writing again! Stay safe!

the stageplay was *chefs kiss* like MY MANS IWA WAS SERVING LOOKSSSS

soooooo

this might get really angsty idk so just a warning in advance

anyways

i mentioned in the earlier part that no one really knew what happened to you

so this one is when they DO find out what happened and what theyre gonna do about it

so first off, kyoken was basically the only one who saw you that day and saw how badly you looked

the thing is, at that current moment, he didnt really know the reason why and what happened

he had theories that you got jumped or you just got into an accident 

but he was prettttttyyyy sure you got beat up

so you went home and rushed to yanno, take a shower and get your wound treated and cleaned so that it would heal bc you really cannot afford to let the boys see that

they would think of the worst at the smallest sight of blood on you and you really didnt want to deal w that chaos at the moment

you cant let them get suspended from school since they were going to interhigh soon and you cant let oikawa and the boys ruin their reputations just for you

a first year girl theyve just met

it was kinda hard to rinse all of the milk from your hair but you were able to at least get the smell out and clean up your mess

then you looked in the mirror and saw faint handprints around your throat from that girl miyo and you cringed as you touched it

‘jesus christ, seriously what does she eat? bricks?’

after your clothes were in the wash, you went to bed to get homework done and also looking up how to use the concealer to hide your bruises 

you didnt really own any makeup but your mom has some so you could just use that

during dinner, you wore a turtleneck to prevent any suspicion from happening but you couldnt really hide the big gash on your face

‘y/n, what happened!’

‘i was dumb and accidentally fell up the stairs’

your parents shared a chuckle bc theyve actually seen you do this before so it was easy to believe the lie

‘darling, do we need to get you glasses? it seems your sight has worsened’

‘haha’

you went along with the joke but you weren’t eating and just pushed your food around

‘y/n? is the food not good?’

your mother asked but you shook your head with a convincing smile

‘its good! i just had some meat buns with the team earlier and i ate a lot so im still full’

you cursed at yourself for making it sound so rehearsed but you were relieved when your mother nodded

the next morning, you were satisfied with the reduced puffing of your face and you snuck into your parents bathroom where her makeup bag would be

as you held up the concealer, you started getting anxious because this was not the same shade as your skin and it would definitely raise suspicion if you had a different color on your neck than the rest of your body

you already planned to blame your wound as acne that you accidentally scratched but what were you going to do with the handprints?

the website you read said that it would take at least a day for them to fade

so you decided youd just wear a scarf and pretend you were cold

kunimi was confused as to why you had a scarf bundled around your neck and his eyes even widened at the sight of the bandaid on your face

‘y/n! what-!’

he shot up from his seat and your eyes widened before hissing at him to sit down

‘what happened to you?!’

he worriedly asked but you waved him off with a small smile

‘acne. this was the only available bandaid in my house so i had to work with this’

kunimi might be a lazy little shit but he was observant

and he noticed the way you said that sentence

it was like a robot

like a robot programmed to say what was written on its script

but before he could press on further, you already pointed out that the teacher was coming in and to hush so you could listen

the entire time, kunimi was awake alright, but he was too busy looking at you and a bright red thing that poked from the edge of your bandaid

kindaichi went to your classroom for lunch and you had to repeat your excuse for him but he pointed at another thing

‘why are you wearing a scarf? its like burning in here’

you didnt look at him as you just opened your bento

‘being in your period causes your temperature to fluctuate and cause unexplainable chill at even the hottest places’

okay what

they both shared a look and just shrugged, blaming it on your time of the month for the way you spoke with no emotion in your tone

this had to be the longest school day of your life

the whole time the scarf remained on and kunimi cant help but notice your flinches at the smallest of sounds

finally practice arrived and you really thought you could pull this off until oikawa barreled straight towards you and hugged you tightly

‘y/n-chan! you okay?! oikawa-senpai was so worried for you!’ 

you cringed but nodded

‘im okay, oikawa-san’

‘senpai, y/n-chan! call me senpai!’

‘im not going to feed into your kink, oikawa-san’

*cue everyone busting a lung*

‘y/n, what’s the-’

‘acne. only bandaid available in my house’

eventually, everything was fine

you were still cracking jokes w the others and you were still laughing w them so kunimi and kindaichi were at ease

but that shattered when oikawa was being oikawa and was being all touchy and bothering you about the scarf around your neck that he ended up pulling it off and he saw the marks

he was silent, just staring at them

ofc you were freaking out and you started breathing heavily

oh god he found out and he was going to hurt them

‘o-oikawa-senpai, listen, it’s not what it-’

‘y/n’

his voice made your eyes shut in fear and the others crowded around you and they all had scandalized looks on their faces

‘is this why you werent in practice yesterday?’

his voice was sharp, a complete opposite to his normally cheerful tone

you shivered and sighed

‘senpai, please dont-’

‘who is it?’

the other third years shared a look bc they were truly shook at oiks voice

‘w-why should i tell you?! its none-’

‘i am your captain and i deserve to know who is pulling you away from your managerial duties so he could just give you these damn hickeys!’

the gym turned silent

you stopped then furrowed your eyebrows

‘hickey? what-’

‘dont act like you dont know, y/n. so just be honest and tell me who’s your boyfriend’

lmao i shouldnt laugh bc this was supposed to be sad but im cackling at how dumb oikawa really is sometimes

‘i-i,,,,’

you stuttered but you knew this was the perfect opportunity

you could just blame it on this ridiculous misunderstanding 

its a difficult hole to get out of but it would be easier than the other

so you pretended to be flustered and turned around to hide your face

‘it was a one-time thing, oikawa-san. i promise it wont happen again’

HELLO WHAT

the team was leaking the feeling of RAGE

how dare someone take their manager!

she was theirs!

and it doesnt help that every player might have a little thing for you

is this really turning into a harem

oikawa kept demanding answers but iwa hit him enough to quit and they finally went back to practicing but they were still distracted

every time they looked at you, they would grow flustered and red and end up missing a block or a serve

they just cant see their baby manager like that

you noticed it quickly and irritably got on them

‘stop staring at my neck and get back to practice!’

they flinched and saluted at you

lmao this little first year girl is able to control nearly a dozen <5′10 men who are all older than her

but you were glad that they finally stopped asking about it

this was going to go by smoothly and you were going to be okay

however,,,

several days later,,,

this is an angst fanfiction so i will bring thy angst

you were taking out your class garbage since it was your group’s turn in cleaning the classroom when you were grabbed by the arm on your way back

it was still outside and after school so it wouldve been an unlikely situation that someone would help you

it was that biatch miyo again and her 2 minions behind her

then you recognized one girl from the track team who was actually a year older than you but you saw her dropping off some files in the office

if you tried to run, she could easily grab you w her fast legs

great

you were stuck

you let out a tired sigh and crossed your arms on your chest

‘what is it you want from me, again?’

she smirked

‘you really dont know how to listen, do you? i told you to stay away from oikawa but youre still flaunting around with him!’

is she serious?

this girl was borderline stalker/yandere type of girl

you gave her an incredulous look and frowned

‘girl, do you hear yourself? you damn crazy and im leaving’

but she grabbed you back and shoved you against the wall

but this time, you kicked her on the chest to make her fall on her flat booty

surprise was written on their faces and you stretched your arms in front of you to symbolize distance

‘one more step and ill beat tf out of you. i just got my nails off so id watch it if i were you’

miyo huffed and stood up, brushing herself, glaring at one of the girls who tried to help her

then she remembered what you told her

‘hmm? if you hit me, you could be kicked off of the team since you hurt another student. so, go ahead, little kouhai’

she was right

even if it was self-defense, the school’s disciplinary section sucked and just suspended or kicked off people left and right even though they didnt do anything wrong

you were stumped

you were here on a scholarship, not on tuition

your mom would KILL you if she found out you got into a fight and got a record

but you didnt show that and kept your tough facade

‘dont challenge me. i could be a crazy bitch and i dont think youd like your little face being all messed up. so watch your mouth and leave me alone’

you turned to leave but she grabbed your hair and tugged it back

lmao flashbacks to the other part

she twisted your hair into a ponytail and had a firm grip while a girl kicked you behind your knees so you would fall to the ground

oh no you were done w this

you elbowed miyo on the stomach the hardest you could and she groaned which loosened her hold and you kicked her again to the ground

some other girl hit your side and you winced before slapping her straight across the face bc you didnt want to punch her and hurt your knuckles

but they were really testing you

the last girl still had your hair but you twisted around to face her and just did the last you could think of that would hurt

hit her right between her legs

you finally escaped their hold and miyo lunged after you

‘oh my god leave me alone!’

you yelled before holding up your arms to protect your face but she scratched your arms 

obviously you were losing this bc it was just you but you were going to fight as much as you can

‘bad kouhais need to be punished! your senpais need to teach you a lesson!’

miyo screeched and you grabbed her arm before punching her straight at the boob

sorry rebecca

however, one girl was smart and did the same thing you did to her knees and made you fall to a kneeling position and eventually made you curl into a fetal position

gurl we actually fighting so hard considering we’ve never been in a fight

they continuously kicked you before miyo pulled up your head so you could sit up and kneel in front of her

ofc you tried to grab at her and punch at her

but these other girls were able to catch you and trap your arms in their hold and had their feet on your legs so you couldnt kick

great, another bathroom scene

your arms were bleeding from miyo’s scratches and your sides were hurting after their kicks

you lost and you were already bleeding in places you didnt think you would

this would be the last attempt and if he doesnt come, you’re done for

‘IIIIIIWWWWWAAAAAAAA-SAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!’

your scream echoed throughout the entire are

possibly could be heard in new york

and your voice became hoarse

ofc the girls were surprised and caught off guard but when there was silence and clear that no one was coming, they started laughing

‘oh, so cute! iwa-san? is that supposed to be iwaizumi-san? heh, you whoring around w him too? thats so cute-’

‘LET. GO. OF. HER. NOW.’

I GOT CHILLS

the girls holding you shrieked and dropped their hold on you before scrambling back causing you to drop to the ground

miyo’s eyes were wide and there was horror all over her face at the voice of that infamous boy

kyotani kentarou

‘WHAT THE FK ARE YOU DOING?!’

he yelled and miyo turned around to be met with his piercing eyes before screaming and running away with her minions in tow

‘YEA RUN AWAY! FKING COWARDS!’

ltr the cursing is so awkward for me to do but this is his character and im just so awkward so sorry!!

you coughed and winced at the pain on your side which caught his attention

again, he noticed you as the manager of their team and you’ve been hanging out w him, well, just him staring at you, at the alley while you feed the animals

you were actually nice and caring and definitely didnt deserve this

‘oi, y-you okay?’

you didnt look up, just closing your eyes in pain and biting your lips to not let out the crying

his eyes softened at you and he noticed you were trying to act tough and brave even though you just got beat up

normally, he wouldnt even help anyone but it seems you just did something to him

he sighed before gently picking you up, you not even bothering to stop him, and he held you tightlyin his arms as he carried you to the nurses office

he had a feeling you didnt want to be seen like this and hes been in the nurse enough to know she actually leaves the moment school ends

you let out a shaky breath as he set you down on the cot and you opened your eyes to reach your hold for him when he went away

‘n-no, don’t leave-’

but he grunted softly before holding your wrist

‘im just getting your damn medicine. chill out’

lowkey getting bakugou vibes

you nodded and went to close your eyes again

kyo returned w some pain relief medicine from his bag that he carries 

babie actually gets into fights often and he needs it sometimes

and he had alcohol medicine kind istg and bandaids for your arms

it was silent as you drank the pills and he sat down next to you so he could treat the wounds

but he let his curiosity take over him

‘why the fk did you let them do this to you’

he grunted and you scoffed with a smile

‘let? more like overpower me and grip me as they just hit me’

‘cant you fight them back?’

you glared at him

‘bruh i literally kneed some girl in their cooch but they just some superhuman typa girls that cant be hurt’

he sighed

‘maybe you just werent strong enough’

okay listen here you lil shit

you didnt want to listen to him scold you anymore so you just went back to closing your eyes

but kyo is actually lowkey nosy so he kept asking questions

‘the first time we met. was it her too?’

you flinched in surprise

‘you remembered that?’

‘ofc i did. you looked like shit. not as bad as this but still like shit’

‘gee thanks, stranger-kun’

‘kyotani,,, kentarou’

you smiled

‘nice to meet you, kyotani kentarou. im l/n y/n’

‘i know’

he mumbled but you didnt catch it

‘thanks for hearing me and coming to help’

he hummed

he wasnt going to tell you that he actually heard the scream for his idol and thought hed be there so he ran to go see him but instead saw you

kyo just respects and looks up to iwa-chan so much it warms my heart uwu-

once you were all patched up, you were finally able to stand but you still staggered

he grabbed your arm softly and sat you back down

‘what the hell are you going to tell the team?’

you paused then sighed

‘i dont know. ill figure something out’

but he knew how observant the players would be and they would catch on

after all, he was there watching at the top bleachers as oikawa yelled at you for the ‘hickey’

‘if they didnt hit your face, you could get away with it. but you have wounds all over you and theyd find out. im guessing youre doing this bc you dont want to trouble them or burden them? bc they would do something about it?’

you just stared at this guy

‘how-’

‘just a guess’

he also wasnt going to tell you that he was actually part of the team but the constant fighting got him in suspension

and the fact that his parents were donors for the school, he only got a tap on the wrist

‘so what do i do, then?’

‘tell them-’

‘no i cant do that! another plan, kyo-kun!’

‘oi, im a second year, idiot. treat me with respect’

the irony bc he totally treats oikawa like trash

‘i just,,,, oikawa-san is seen as this prince/gentleman type and i know how protective he is towards me so the slightest problem could cause him to be ballistic. miyo is popular enough to circulate rumors about him and hes already in his third year and she is too so i just have to endure one year until theyre gone’

kyo was disgusted

all this for that stupid idiot captain?

‘youre dumber than i thought’

you weakly hit him at the arm

‘so mean, kyo-san’

‘i dont think its right youre suffering for someone who isnt even worth it’

you glared and linked your fingers together

‘im the manager. i knew this would happen the moment i signed up but i didnt care. as manager, i have to keep up the team’s image and their popularity for support so i cant let all that be ruined just bc a little first year girl couldnt fight for herself’

‘just tell them, kid. less problems’

then he stood up to leave

‘kid?! im only a year younger than you! what you mean!’

but you were panicking

someone knew about you being hurt and they could easily tell the team

and it only increased when he entered the gym and later introduced himself as a player

you were so surprised that you stopped breathing

‘kyo-san,,,’ 

you muttered and he glared at you

well, more like look at you but i have a theory that kyo actually has problems w his sight so it looks like he’s glaring at you constantly but hes just actually trying to see clearly

‘yo’

oikawa was surprised at this interaction

‘eh? you know kyoken-chan?’

you nodded, still looking at the blonde

‘i-uh’

‘its none of your business’

kyotani grunted and you sighed in relief

maybe your secret would be safe

you were still uneasy about him accidentally revealing it, especially since he practically worships iwaizumi-san, but he kept his mouth shut

your caring personality at first was overbearing on him but he appreciated your efforts like volunteering on helping him with his eyeliner or asking him if he needed help with his medical tape

ngl, he also thought you were there just bc it was a team full of guys and you thought you could have that weird girl fantasy of having a harem

but you cared for them like practically a mother and continuously made it clear to oikawa that you were NOT interested in going on a date with him

you werent annoying, you were nice, and you weren’t pushy so he actually showed you respect and took a liking to you

this created a soft of protectiveness around you

sometimes, he would see you around school and he would practically glare at the girls he knew hated you

and when he wasnt there to protect you, you would call him to the nurses office where he would mumble apologies of not being there while patching you up before he would go over and threaten them to touch you again and he would bite their fingers off

aww hes so cute

ofc he still kept your secret bc it wasnt his business to tell 

until that one day

it was normal practice with you helping the boys toss the balls so they could spike it

iwaizumi spiked it really hard making you flinch and he apologized profusely after you almost fell off the chair you were standing on in surprise

‘im just angry that that damn shittykawa is the captain and is late to his own damn practice’

oikawa? late?

that was unheard of

you were about to get off the chair and look for him when the devil himself entered the gym with the devil’s mistress on his arm

miyo was holding on to his arm as he laughed at something she said and ruffled her hair

you dropped the ball and kyotani quickly moved to you so he could stand in front of you protectively

‘oi! shittykawa! youre late!’

oikawa just smiled and pointed at the girl

‘miyo-chan made us cookies, iwa-chan!’

at the mention of food, the boys ran forward but you and kyotani remained at the side at the infamous name

you got off the chair and hurriedly placed an arm in front of him

‘don’t, kyo-san’

‘the bitch-’

‘i know. but please, dont’

you begged and he huffed before aggresively wrapping an arm around your shoulder

aggressively cares for you

‘if she does something or even talks shit, i will-’

‘kyoken-chan! y/n-chan! come here!’

oikawa called but kyotani snarled at him

you smile wobbled when miyo’s eyes narrowed at you and she smirked

‘oh? your manager is so cute, oikawa-kun!’

the rest of the team was just blinking at this weird tension

kyo had his arm tightly around you and hatingly glaring at this girl, who was icily smirking at you, and you tightly holding kyo’s shirt with a worried glint in your eyes

‘you were late to your own damn practice, oikawa. stop wasting time eating this shit and go back to playing’

tbh it still shocks you at how rudely kyo talks to oikawa but you were too pre-occupied on making sure this kid wasnt going to lunge at this girl

‘a-ah, right. oikawa-san, we have to return to practice. if you excuse us, miyo-san-’

you were about to gently grab oikawa’s arm to bring him back when she grabbed your wrist and secretly gripped it

‘oh, dont be so uptight, y/n-chan! i worked so hard-’

but kyo immediately snatched her hand away from you and squeezed it as tight as he could, making her wince

oikawa noticed the pain in miyo’s face and he was angry that kyotani was hurting a girl

‘oi! kyotani!’

he shouted and pushed him away, making the team, even iwa, worriedly look at kyo and brace themselves for the beating

iwa jumped into action and held the second year back while you jumped in front of oikawa

‘kyo-san, calm-’

‘you! be quiet’

he shouted, finger pointing at you

‘and you!’

before pointing to oikawa

‘you are a shitty captain’

‘kyotani!’

iwa was just straight out confused and hes really questioning life decisions right now

mom is stressed and confused, i repeat, MOM IS STRESSED AND CONFUSED

oikawa’s eyes narrowed but he just calmly talked

‘we’ll talk about this later’

‘miyo-san, we really need to practice so if you could see yourself out’

iwa gently smiled to the girl, who was about to protest, but makki and mattsun has already pointed to the door

she huffed then turned to leave and once she was gone, iwa let go of kyotani

‘kyotani, what the hell was that’

oikawa lowly asked and you were about to put your arms out to separate them but yahaba and watari grabbed you so you wouldnt be caught in the middle

then kyo turned to you, fire in his eyes

‘either you tell him or i will’

can we just talk about how protective kyo is?

you trembled and you roughly left yahaba and watari’s grip so you could gently place your hands on his chest

‘please, kyo. just leave it, okay? remember, it’s my busi-’

‘if i see that bitch enter this gym again, i dont give a flying fuck if shes a girl. ill beat the living daylights out of her’

‘kyotani kentarou, what-!’

oikawa shouted but your glare shut him up

‘y/n-chan, what is going on’

‘n-nothing. kyo-san is just, yknow, being him. you know? okay. now lets get back to practice, everyone!’

coach irihata and the other guy sharing that look

to say the least, miyo was pissed

and when she was pissed at you, she always did what she normally does

she corners you wherever its deserted and beat you with the help of her minions who holds you down while she slaps, hits, or kicks you

girlie you needs to tell the boys youre literally getting hit and abused and im just-!!!!!!!!!

and thats exactly what she did

only this time, she wore hard-tipped shoes

‘see, y/n-chan? i saved up and got these shoes just for you!’

the minions were just sharing looks of fear and genuine sympathy for you

they were only there bc she blackmailed them with pictures doing questionable things and if they dont help, they would be released

as usual, you didnt cry, biting your lip as you winced from the pain of her kick at your side

‘youre so pathetic. how could you do this to a person? and all this for your oikawa-san? for a boy?’

you wheezed at her causing her eyes to flare

‘HAH?! SAY THAT AGAIN!’

‘i said-’

but you were cut off when she slapped the soul out of you

her ring cut you at the lip and you cringed at the taste of blood from your lip

‘what else? we gotta hurry this up, miyo, because practice started like 5 minutes ago and im going to get yel-’

‘SHUT UP!’

kyotani entered the gym after his talk with his teacher and immediately looked around for you

his honey brown eyes scanned the area and they widened as your figure wasn’t in sight

‘oi, yahaba, wheres the manager’

the boy shrugged from the side 

‘i dont know. shes late though’

oh god

‘kindaichi! kunimi! youre in the same grade right? did you see where she went after class?’

kunimi paused to remember before answering

‘she stayed after to talk to obe-sensei for the homework, that’s all i know’

that meant she stayed behind and was probably somewhere

‘SHIT!’

he shouted before bolting out the door

ofc the boys were all worried of his outburst and started yelling after him

‘kyotani!’

‘kyoken-chan?!’

they followed him, who was running as fast as he can

the girls would probably do it outside to avoid having to clean up their mess and he almost wrenched the door open in a hurry to take a lap around the school building

it was certainly a sight to see: a boy with dyed blonde hair and two brown lines followed after an entire volleyball team who were screaming after him

‘YOU-!’

he heard that bitch voice and bolted towards the back, where the dumpster was, and found you at the same position like the first time he saw you

blood was dripping on the floor from your busted lip and a cut on your cheek while your eyes were wide at the sight of kyotani’s panting form

‘kyo-!’

‘kyotani!’

your eyes watered at the sight of the entire volleyball team behind him, also eviqualiently surprised yet fuming angry

the girls who held you dropped your arms and ran for the hills so they wouldnt get caught

kyo pushed miyo aside as he grabbed you from the floor and held you

oikawa gave miyo a look that cannot even be described in words

all it was: incredibly, super, ridiculously, heatedly, furiously, angry

now multiply that by the entire team

‘hm, my father, who is the chieftain of the police, mentioned about there being jail time for even minors who commit serious acts like assault or bullying’

mattsun seethed

‘really? i think he’d like the video as evidence against kenta miyo for assault and battery, including bullying, so how many years would that add up to? nearly a decade?’

the girl miyo squeaked as oikawa and iwaizumi roughly grabbed each wrist

‘how long’

miyo trembled at the increased pressure on her wrist

‘IM ASKING YOU A FUCKING QUESTION! HOW LONG!’

iwaizumi has never shouted at a girl before and hopefully, it would be the last

‘s-s-since l-last month’

you burrowed your head in kyotani’s shirt

‘please dont’

‘shut the fk up, y/n-chan, we’re not talking to you right now’

oikawa coldly reprimanded

‘everyone, take y/n away. iwaizumi and i can take care of this. but mattsun, makki, track down those 3 girls and find others who have even touched our manager’

‘got it, boss’

if it was in a different situation, you wouldve applauded oikawa at his ability to be a leader but you were currently in pain from the bruises and the cuts all over you

your fellow first-years were angrily punching things in the nurse’s office

rip nurse in the morning when she finds holes all over her walls

the irony is, the most agressive one, kyotani kentarou, was the calmest as he quietly cleaned your wounds and placed ointment on the bruises

‘i told you so’

he mumbled and you scoffed

‘howd you find me anyways?’

‘dumb bitch yaps really loud’

he answered

no one was yelling at you and no one was saying a word

eventually, oikawa and iwaizumi entered followed by the rest of the third years

‘why. why didnt you tell us, y/n?’

oikawa asked as he sat down on the chair beside the bed

you looked down and fiddled with your fingers

‘if i did, you wouldve hurt her. and she wouldve spread rumors about you and ruin the image and reputation of the grand king and the volleyball team. i didnt want to do that to you and thought i could just endure it one year since youre graduating anyways’

iwaizumi sucked in a harsh breath

‘you wouldn’t have known what we were going to do. you are no oracle and you dont know how we are going to handle this situation. so you were really stupid for keeping these things to yourself, y/n. you may be our manager and our caretaker but let us take care of you too’

you nodded but your tears fell

‘sorry. im really sorry. i didnt meant to trouble you’

‘stop apologizing, y/n’

‘sorry’

‘y/n!’

you bowed your head low and bit your lip in guilt

‘i shouldve told you but i didnt and now everyone is troubled-’

‘we’re a team, y/n. youre not a lone wolf anymore. you have a pack standing right beside you’

watari mumbled and he sat down to give you his favorite hug: the one arm hug

‘im super angry right now and it might seem like im snappy but i really want you to know, y/n, that i really love you and i am just hurt that you didnt trust us enough to tell us you were suffering when i trust you with my entire being. so next time youre hurting or in pain, dont you dare keep it to yourself. tell us, okay? tell your senpais and friends about it so we can share that burden’

oikawa babie you are so mature like what-

what started out as a hug from watari turned into a team hug around the tiny bed, even kyo joined, and you were so happy you found a good team that appreciated you and everything youve done and accepted you as one of their own

‘oikawa-san, what did you do to miyo?’

‘again, im mad y/n-chan, so please dont talk about her right now’

‘iwa-san?’

‘dont use those puppy eyes on me! dont you dare-- okay, we’re pressing charges’

silence

‘WHAT?!’

‘and iwa-chan slapped her!’

‘WHAT?!’

‘shut up shittykawa you did too!’

‘WHAT?!’

a/n: this hurted a bit and im sorry if this was lowkey awkward and all over the place but i didnt exactly know how to portray this situation since ive never experienced this, just bullying in general, before but for those who have, please tell someone so that you dont have to carry that burden by yourself. it doesnt have to be a your parents, but talk to a trusted adult so that this type of stuff doesnt happen to you bc you truly dont deserve that type of treatment and deserve to be happy and feel safe in an environment like school or anywhere in general

[kingofthewilderwest]

Hello, Haddock! Now that Voltron (sadly) ended, how would you rank the seasons? Also, could you tell how many times you've rewatched them?

Hey there, friend! WAY happy to chat Voltron and all its seasons!

Unlike most fandom culture, I’m not a chronic rewatcher, and the default assumption is that I’ve only seen any show once. It’s rare for me to see shows more than once, honestly, even ones I love. I certainly will be watching VLD more times, but because of my normal watching habits, I’ve seen a large portion of the show only once. I’ve seen S1 probably about 5 times, S2 thrice, S3-4 twice, and S5+ once. I’ve seen “The Last Stand” from S7 twice.

These are rankings based somewhat upon my emotional attachments and not simply objective elements like narrative structure! XD I already know my preferences are going to be different than lots of people in the VLD fandom, haha. These rankings are also based on memory, which is pretty strong admittedly for VLD, but it leaves room to change with a rewatch.

EIGHTH PLACE: VLD Season 8

Let’s be clear: I don’t dislike Season 8 and there’s much I enjoy. Give it up for S8 love!!! Standout episodes to me include “Launch Date,” “The Prisoner’s Dilemma,” and “Day Forty-Seven.” The women going shopping together and Pidge dressing as 1980s Darrell Stoker made my life. Not to mention… it was fun spending time with the MFEs; they didn’t take a disproportionate amount of time, but gave us good moments to make us love them. I’m thankful for the S8 ending giving us both a sense of wrap-up for the plot conflicts, but also looking forward to what our Paladins will do to rejuvenate the galaxy. There’s much I’m thankful for with S8.

That said, S8 isn’t my jam as much as other seasons. I’m not much of a shipper and I wasn’t into the Allurance, nor did I get pulled into the magic-heavy plot conflict with Haggar and her Alteans. And while S7 does give great screen time to Allura, it felt a little less like an ensemble cast and more like a spotlight on her. Enemies’ minds changed too fast for me to feel realistic, and the magic-wonky plot didn’t feel as gripping and intense as S7. It’s the reason I’m placing S8 here: from my own preferences, I attached with other seasons more.

SEVENTH PLACE: VLD Season 5

For whatever reason, S5 didn’t make as much of an impression on me as other seasons. I wasn’t as invested in concepts like “Kral Zera” and “White Lion.” Given as S5 is an odd numbered season in the middle portion of Voltron, it has an innate disadvantage: it’s written in all but name as the first half of a season, which means story arc ending payoffs wouldn’t happen until S6. I also feel like S5 is where plot writing is at one of its most tangled or muddied, given as there’s lots being juggled and introduced conflict-wise and lore-wise and universe-wise and character-wise.

However, S5 - like all seasons - gives us cool stuff. We got Matt (one of my favorite characters) participating in an adventure, lots of Lotor screentime, and a callout to 1980s DOTU that I never thought they’d be able to turn into a good episode (“White Lion”). And!!! We get to meet!!! KROLIA!!!

SIXTH PLACE: VLD Season 3

I have particularly fond attachment to S3. This is the season where I started getting actively involved in Voltron fandom discourse, giving my own take on Project Kuron theories. This is the season that gave us the first glimpse of the Classic Voltron formation - Keith in Black, Lance in Red, Pidge in Green, Allura in Blue, Hunk in Yellow. I felt a thrill go through me as Keith, for the first time, said “Form Voltron!” Also… Lance really stepping up to show his leadership potential??? So good. And this is the season where we meet Lotor, another long-anticipated character… and oh my goodness is his character introduction gold. So there’s lots of stuff I hold strong affinity for in S3.

The reason I have to rank Season 3 back here is because it’s more about the Paladins floundering around than anything else. It’s meant to create a new sense of chaos and instability… their leader Shiro is gone, and now there are new unexpected threats like Lotor to handle. However, at the same time, since half of the season is just the Paladins floundering around not knowing how to work together, it makes me less attached to particular episodes. None of the episodes are favorites or standouts to me on their own. There’s lots of cool moments throughout S3, but I think the only episode I notably emotionally attach to is “The Journey.” But still? Good season!

FIFTH PLACE: VLD Season 1

I can’t believe I have this amazing season all the way back here. I want it to be higher, except that I do have to rank other seasons above this one. 

Season 1 is what gets everything started. It sets the stage for what Voltron’s all about, teaching us about lions and robeasts and Zarkon and the Galaxy Garrison and all that good stuff from 1980s nostalgia… all the while creating a new vibe and energy to the franchise. In retrospect, S1 feels much calmer and less high-stakes than the rest of the series (especially post S2). However, it’s a solid season with good episodes that never feel less solid and good. We get great Hunk material with him finding conviction; great Shiro and Pidge moments as they share different worries over the abduction; hilarious Keith and Lance clashes; lots and lots and lots of good things. It’s a very solid season, especially once we launch off Arus.

FOURTH PLACE: VLD Season 6

If you want to know how tight my season rankings are to each other, S6 was almost listed second place.

I attach to specific episodes in particular for S6. I love the visuals in “Razor’s Edge.” I died howling with laughter in “Monsters & Mana.” I fell into so many emotional feels regarding Keith and Shiro in “The Black Paladins.” We get one of the all-time best emotional, action-oriented episodes of VLD… and one of the most amazing, hysterical filler episodes in S6. Despite being seven episodes long, S6 is an incredible ride and adventure start to end. It’s hard to believe so much occurred in that amount of time!

There’s hoards of great stuff in this season. We get the Kuron arc resolved, with lots of emotional content between Keith and Shiro. We get the Lotor arc resolved, learning whether or not he can be trusted, with great Lotor and Allura time. We get Keith returning to the Paladins. We get the introduction of Romelle, which all DOTU lovers have been waiting for forever.

THIRD PLACE: VLD Season 4

I have to put VLD S4 here because of its emotional power. There are damned AMAZING moments this season, alongside some of my favorite episodes and moments of all time. I know I and some of the other fans aren’t huge on “The Voltron Show!” But fuck it, guys, S4 gave us “Reunion” and “A New Defender”!!!

Matt is a delight this season, from his first meeting of Allura, to his tour around the Castle of Lions with Pidge, to his technological connections with his sister and Hunk, to his participation in the Rebels’ fighting forces. We also get some of the funniest moments for me in Voltron, between learning how to milk Kaltenecker and seeing HOW Pidge finally managed to rig up the video game system.

Then there’s the opposite end of the emotional spectrum. “Reunion” is the single most emotional episode in all of Voltron for me. Even though I’d seen screencaps of Matt prior to watching S4, I felt as shocked and heartbroken as Pidge to come to his gravestone. There’s so much POWER to this gravestone scene; it’s one of the moments that resonates with me the most even after I’ve finished the whole show. It might even be my Number One FAVORITE moment in the entire show. It’s not my place to analyze that scene here, but DAMN. 

Furthermore, the climax with the battle of Naxzela was INTENSE, with Keith almost sacrificing himself getting me screaming. That was such a great battle and climactic moment in VLD. This was a great culminating moment, in which the series has officially built up from a small team to a universe-wide conflict.

We get standout moments with Keith being badass with the blades, Matt taking initiative, Pidge seeking out her family, Allura helping Voltron flee the gravity field, Kuron becoming increasingly more suspicious. VLD S4 ramps everything up from the emotions to the excitement, resulting in an awesome and intense six episodes.

SECOND PLACE: VLD Season 7

It’s really hard for me to put this as second place instead of first place. I originally had it in first place. I want it to be first place. I LOVE the second half of S7 so much. This is, possibly, my favorite season from an emotional standpoint because wow.

It’s all-around outstanding. S7 showed us how far the Paladins have come as heroes; they operate with great teamwork, skill, and professionalism that is oh-so-cool to see on screen. They’re still the characters we love and cherish, but they’ve grown SO MUCH since their first days on Voltron. This is fully-fledged heroes doing fully-fledged battles and it’s GREAT.

S7 gives us standout moments to so many characters, including Hunk, Shiro, Sam, Colleen, Veronica, and Keith. We even get some good adventure time with Romelle! And as far as character interactions are concerned, we get touching moments between Keith and Lance, Keith and Hunk, and so many other combinations.

The story raises the stakes to higher levels than ever before, with an emotional and exciting conquest of Earth. There’s nothing more horrible and high-stakes to audiences than a homefront war. We feel extreme pain for Hunk with fears for his family, and Shiro for the loss of Adam. We feel the great sense of danger and desperation starting with “The Last Stand.” We feel the drama of a long and extended climax fighting for Earth’s freedom, including moments where the Paladins control the Lions outside their body (so cool), Shiro commands the ATLAS (SO cool), and the ATLAS also transforms into a fighting robot (SO FREAKING COOL!). This has some of the most exciting, badass stuff of Voltron ever. I love it.

Highlight episodes for me are “The Last Stand” (two episodes without the Paladins about Earth fighting for its freedom? this was fucking amazing), “Trial By Fire,” and “Lions’ Pride.” Essentially - all of the second half of the season.

FIRST PLACE: Season 2

Season 2 is probably THE MOST solid season in all of VLD. 

Almost every episode is good, memorable, fun, lovable, enjoyable, classic. It highlights the full ensemble cast. It creates an EXTREMELY exciting, exhilarating, fun climax. It is a strong narrative season, cleanly and proudly finishing the first 26 episode long arc for VLD. This season shows VLD at its best. Since it consistently delivers, there’s nowhere else S2 belongs except the top.

We get great Shiro time, what with his arc spent learning to trust Black… leading to him being a badass unlocking the Lion’s wings and taking Zarkon’s bayard. We get great Pidge time, whether it’s her freaking out over video games or drawing deeper into the beauty of the world - technology and biology both. We get great Keith time, with him fighting for answers in the Blade of Marmora and infiltrating Zarkon’s base in an extremely dangerous mission. We get great Hunk time, between unlocking his Lion’s claws and taking initiative in the Weblum adventure. We get great Lance moments, where he shows us he truly can be a sharpshooter for the team. We get great Allura moments, especially in how she fought against Haggar in the finale. This season rocks it for EVERY Paladin.

Not only does every individual Paladin get good spotlighting, but S2 also rocks it with character interactions. How Allura handles Keith being Galra is a memorable moment of character development for both of them. How Hunk and Keith interact in “The Belly of the Weblum” is a delight. How Shiro loses his cool with Slav is hysterical. I can never complain to Lance and Hunk combinations, like in “The Depths.” And of course every episode focused on Keith and Shiro gives us good feels.

Standout episodes for S2 include “The Ark of Taujeer” (THE COLORS), “The Blade of Marmora,” “Blackout,” “Space Mall.” I cannot believe I watched an episode where the character dressed as space pirates and rode on a flying cow to escape a mall cop. That happened. It’s a delight. And S2 kept rocking it with the humor, down to Pidge creating all her Paladin buddies out of space junk and imitating them. But S2 also gives us some of the most memorable moments of VLD storytelling, what with “The Blade of Marmora.” That episode is a staple for many reasons. Not to mention… all of S2 works together cohesively for the long-term arc structure.

And then there’s the climax. So well-done. So exciting. So immersive. So intense. So cool. So badass. Great colors, great flow, great plot, great everything start to end. I was in a THRILL at the end of S2 because this climax was so unbelievably fun. In retrospect it’s got competition with S7, and S7 probably takes the cake now… but fuck it, S2′s end will always be awesome.

Every single season in VLD gives me something to be excited about. There are things to love each step of the journey. I’m thankful for every episode from S1 to S8. 

What a ride this journey has been.

[neotericbitch]

a sequel to DarqAnon

part the first

It’s quite abusive, there I said it, how you’re allowed to force a ritual onto a child, whether it be reciting an anthem or staring at the sun, before their brain has developed enough to comprehend the significance. In fact, doing so makes it more likely that as the child grows up, they will never truly find meaning in the action! How sad is that? I’d never force anything on my son.

Growing up, staring into the sun was something I never understood. For a long time I didn’t, I couldn’t conceive of the satisfaction or happiness my family derived from it. It meant something to them, so they tried to teach it to me, but it never meant anything to me. I understood that the sun was their god, but because I never truly believed, I couldn’t grasp how or why it would be important to them to stare up at it, burning their eyeballs out of their sockets. Their god was sending a clear message, do not look at me. Why would they do it anyway?

Oh, but - do keep in mind that that’s all in the past. I understand now. I understand perfectly.

Valkyrie Cain has the most brilliant black eyes. Truly, her every feature is marvellous, her sharp nose, her expressive mouth - but I always go back to the eyes. For Crandall, it’s her hands. They’ve shared many times over many meetings, to the point where I find it very annoying, that they want nothing more than to feel her hands on the sides of their head before she crushes it. I think it’s a nice little fantasy to have, just stop telling us about it. I have only ever shared what I wanted two, maybe three times. That’s an acceptable amount of times! Any more is overdoing it, Crandall! Crandall, I know you’re listening. I’ve been able to feel it even when a very good Sensitive is in my head, Crandall, and you are not a very good Sensitive.

Beside me they turn their head away. Why would they want to listen to my thoughts, anyway, when Valkyrie is here? I suppose I understand their hesitance. Darquesse, goodness - Darquesse wouldn’t stand for anyone hearing her thoughts, absolutely not! To attempt it on her would be a high offence. But Crandall, if you’re still listening, I’d say go ahead for the time being. Darquesse isn’t here. Not yet.

Looking at her, it all makes sense. I want to call up my mother and tell her I understand, I understand wanting - needing! - to look at something, even if it does not want you to. The sun may try to blind you. Valkyrie may glare and scream and curse. But you simply cannot look away.

I cannot call up my mother, of course. She has been dead for a hundred years, and I’m busy right now - and I don’t think there’s mobile phone reception here anyway.

For this week’s Thursday meeting, 6 to 7:30, we have made a temporary move from the community hall to the vault, generously donated for DA’s use by Nicki, who we had to murder. Dear girl, she didn’t want to let me hold the meeting here this week. I suggested it at the end of last week’s meeting and everyone was very excited. A hundred meters beneath the spot where Darquesse opened her portal to another dimension and disappeared - we’re so lucky to have this place! Of course everyone wants to come here whenever we have the opportunity! But Nicki said no. Nicki said to me, “Isserley, these meetings have been really great, you are a good organiser and I’m very happy to have met everyone, but I think what you’re planning is wrong. Please return the vault key to me.” So we had to kill her.

And here we are tonight, and I almost wish Nicki were here so I could say, to think you didn’t want this! The meeting is going very well, I think it’s our best one yet. 6:40 and we’re just about to finish setting up, we’re a neat little group of people. We won’t go over time at all! I’d like to say that I, being an incredibly organised person, have been a good influence on my fellow DA-goers.

Salma finishes painting the symbol on the ground. Her designs are ugly, but she has a steady hand and knows how best to use the petrol paste, a very special concoction. No one else could have done this job - though I must admit, I am a bit envious. Easy, Isserley! Remember, your job is the most important. Without you, this wouldn’t work. Without you, Valkyrie would not even be here.

Salma reaches for Valkyrie. She thrashes wildly - and I can’t say I blame her! I wouldn’t want Salma to touch me, either! Haha. But it really won’t do for her to behave this way, we really need her complete cooperation, so I motion to Respite at the wall and he turns the crank, tightening the chains attached to the bound cuffs at her every limb. She is pulled tight, and by the sounds of it it’s not a very comfortable experience, but now she is tense and mostly still - perfect for Salma to draw the symbol on her wrists and stomach.

She puts up a hell of a fight when Respite disconnects the chains from the wall and reconnects them to the floor, at each corner of where the symbol has been painted so she is now seated in the centre. I can’t help but smile! She reminds me of one of those beautiful shrine maidens. If only I’d thought of that earlier. I would have put this off one more week and gotten an outfit made. But the clothes she put on herself this morning are more than lovely. Darquesse will like them. Darquesse will like being back.

Valkyrie keeps straining and trying to get up, the poor dear! I wish I could go over there and pat her face, like I used to pat my son’s when he was resisting me - I wish I could tell her everything will be alright. But I know, even chained and without magic, she could certainly find a way to kill me if I were within reach. And I don’t want her to kill me until the ritual is complete, of course! Otherwise what would be the point?

“I don’t even know,” Valkyrie growls - what a good word for it! Indeed, she is doing her very best to sound deep, dark and scary. Soon it will come naturally. “I don’t even know what you think this will do. It’s not a full moon, or a blood moon, or any kind of moon. It’s not a magical day, it’s not a holiday, it’s not even a day that means anything to me.”

It’s my birthday, but don’t tell anyone that. It’s my special little secret, my gift to myself.

“This sigil is totally made-up. It’s not going to do anything.” She tries to raise her hand to her face to wipe off some sweat, but the chain is too short. “Let me go and I’ll make it quick - because when Skulduggery gets here, he certainly fucking won’t.”

I crouch down to be on her level, and I’m filled with such...reverence. I understand. I understand. This is what I was supposed to feel kneeling in the sweltering heat for hours on end. I’m glad I feel it here instead.

“You will kill us,” I say. “But we’re not going to uncuff you, you’ll do that yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” She is so exasperated and so irritated and so wonderful. “These cuffs are bound. It doesn’t matter how great you think I am, I’m not that strong.”

“You will be! You will be.” In the corner of my vision I see Salma fidgeting. Salma!!! You’re ruining this!! To make her stop, I gesture at her so she can speak and stop annoying everyone with her movements.

“The sigil you’re sitting on,” she fires off in her horrible, grating voice, “and the sigils that are on you are my own designs. Just because you haven’t seen them before doesn’t mean they won’t work. They’ll work.” Her lip trembles and she bows her head. “I’m sorry you don’t...believe in me.”

Valkyrie stares for a moment. “You’re completely nuts.” Nuts! Aah! That’s the word I use to describe her! How exciting!

“They’ll work, I swear. I promise. We only need to activate them, and...” Salma looks to me. Unfortunately, I have to stand up now and go back to looking down on Valkyrie. It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Soon she’ll be looking down on me.

For now, she doesn’t look at me at all. She looks down at where she’s put her arms on her knees, wrists facing out. Perhaps Supreme Mage Sorrows once gave her a lesson on what certain strokes can mean, perhaps she’s trying to work out how to counteract our symbol.

She’s fabulous and smart, yes, but she won’t be able to work it out. I am confident. I snap my fingers, summoning a bright, orange flame into my hand. She lifts her head, looks me directly in the eye, and I smile widely. Very widely. Not widely enough. I hope, before Darquesse kills me, she at least takes the time to appreciate what I’m doing for her. I hope she recognises how much I love her. No - I don’t hope. I know. She will. She must.

I take a step forward and crouch again, reaching my hand out to the edge of the symbol on the ground. My flame will catch onto the petrol paste and spread immediately. Valkyrie will be burned, but only a little bit! Just a little bit. Long enough for the fire to catch the symbols on her skin, and she will be protected - and Darquesse will be summoned back into her. She will be complete again.

Before my flame touches the paste, Valkyrie shoots her hand out and smudges the line, which gives me just about the fright of my life! Thank goodness I have such incredible reflexes, otherwise I wouldn’t have jerked my hand away in time. The paste would have caught on fire and surely burned her to death! She rubs her wrists together, wiping away the symbols written there, then kicks her legs out from under her so she’s in a more traditional butt-to-ground position, but that means she’s made the ground symbol worse and displaced dirt into my face.

It’s hard to love her when she has literally blinded me. That whole thing about the sun and everything, it was more of a metaphor. I still love her of course! I’m only taken aback. Anything I may say as I fall backwards isn’t really my fault, since she’s the one who kicked dirt in my eyes. It's more of my reflexes. I never would say anything of the sort to her under normal circumstances. Never.

“You bitch!”

What an inconvenience. I don’t get to see any of what happens next! I only hear the door flying open and gunshots, the sounds of my people yelling and trying to fight. Punches, kicks, bodies falling to the ground. When I hear Salma scream and feel her blood land on my face, I can’t help it! I can’t help it but think, serves you right for putting a cent in the collection tray every week!

“Skulduggery, the-”

“Valkyrie. Are you alright?” Is that him getting on his knees? Maybe he understands after all. “Are you hurt?”

“My skin’s burning, let me loose so I can get this shit off me. The crank on the wall, I think that controls the cuffs.”

I roll onto my side and wipe the dirt from my eyes. I hear Pleasant at the wall, turning the crank back and hitting the release. It’s terribly uncomfortable, but I can open my eyes and see well enough - and what I see is Crandall dead next to me! It’s such a shock, my heart skips at least three beats. That rotten Pleasant. What a barbarian. I lift my head as carefully as I can, so I won’t be noticed. Valkyrie has lifted her shirt to get the symbol off her stomach and cannot see me.

This is so unfair. I put so much work into this plan. It was so hard to trap her! I was going to bring Darquesse back. Me. Not Crandall, not Salma. Not Nicki. Her black eyes would have bored into my skull and killed me and I would have been good and happy. Huh! Maybe I'm not too different to those Faceless worshippers who go blowing themselves up in public places.

“Isserley. I thought that was you.” Pleasant. Pleasant is talking to me. “How have you been?”

Valkyrie snaps her head up at him. “You know her?”

“We’ve seen her in the High Sanctuary.”

“Jesus. Is there anyone you don’t remember.”

“No.” He reaches out and wipes the rest of the symbol off her stomach in one motion. I have dirt in my eyes but I see how her tummy kind of curls in a bit as she drops her shirt down.

That should be me. That should be me. I love her more than anyone. I burst into tears.

“She tried to set me on fire.”

“I think a list of people who haven’t tried to set you on fire would be shorter than a list of those who have.” I hear the clink of handcuffs. “Come on, now, Isserley.”

I let my head drop back onto the ground and stare up at the ceiling. I do not take one more look at Valkyrie. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. I failed. “Why don’t you just kill me.” I’m not even aware of myself saying it, to be honest! Just one of those things that...slips out...

“She makes a good point, Skulduggery.”

“Can’t be done. We should leave at least one cultist alive to arrest, so why not take the woman in charge?”

“How do you know she���s the one in charge?”

His terrible skull fills my vision as he looks down at me. You know, hearing him talk this much at one time has jogged my memory. And he does happen to wear very beautiful suits. My mouth falls open. “You’re-”

Valkyrie was startled for a moment by the sudden gunshot. Shoulders tensed, she looked over to Skulduggery standing over the woman, gun still pointed into a face that didn’t really exist anymore.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked as he put the revolver away. Skulduggery came over to her and brushed some hair out of her face, went back to fussing over the injuries she sustained on her way here.

“Too talkative,” he said, and she laughed and teased him about being a hypocrite.

[the-energon-hole]

The tfp bots and their s/o who they find curled up in dark room (either by accident or frantic searching) crying because theyve been very stressed and depressed lately and its taken a mental toll on them. I just really need some bot comfort my heads gone to shit and im confused in life. Sorry for blurting my feelings but i need bot love and thank you love the blog. ❤️

((A/N I am proud of how this one turned out, and I am sorry you feel so awfully about something- I get like that too every now and again, but I have a great network of support around me to hep perk me back up when I am feeling bad. You didn’t specify bots, and I kind of wanted this to be special and written well, so I just picked my top three from TFP if that was ok. The bots I am most comfortable writing for and the ones whose characters I know very well… I wanted to diversify emotions and situations each bot would find you in- I hope you feel better soon and I hope this is adequate enough for you to read))

Optimus Prime

-He was a rather busy bot- he did  a lot of work to make sure this whole Autobot/Decepticon conflict didn’t blow up the entire planet, and harm more people than it already has, it was a full time job. He sometimes felt bad because he did not have time to constantly spend with you, but it was what you agreed to when you decided to be together- as no offense to you, certain things have to come before you, like the welfare of your planet. Though, he has noticed that you have been rather distant lately- and that scared him a little bit, truthfully he tried very hard to distance himself from you, mostly to protect you, but you were always so open with him it almost felt wrong not to seek you out. He had the time to do so now, or at least time in the moment where the world wasn’t hanging in the balance by a small thread, so he sought you out in all of your normal get away acces. Places you told him about where you like to go when the weight of the world became to much for you- and you just needed somewhere to go to forget everyone and everything. He doesn’t want you to forget for to long the troubles you face, after all, the way you handle a situation is very important- and it is avery terrible thing to run and hide all of the time. He found you in one of the first places he looked, a small dark corner of the base that had been abandoned by everyone but you, and he could see you curled up and sobbing slightly- and he felt his spark tug  little in sadness, he should have been there for you more and he was very sorry for that.

-He learned long ago that it was just easier to allow someone to vent their feelings, rather than interrupt them and cause a conversation to happen to early- and the person not be fully tady to share their feelings. He approached you slowly, and took you into his servos as you continued to cry as if he wasn’t there- he had time now, so he just sat in the corner you once were hand held you while you sobbed, he would wait for you to be ready to share. It was only a few minutes more of your sobbing, before you sniffed a little and began to perk up to look at his sparkling energon blue optics, you noticed he was waiting patiently to hear what you had to say when you were ready, and it was always something you appreciate about him and his character- his patience and never ending love he seemed to hold for all kinds of people ad bots, it almost made you feel undeserving. You spilled your feelings to him- your fear of the future, your fear of the present, and even some fears about the unknown- and he just stared and nodded as you continued to rant and rave while tears fell heavily from your eyes. He didn’t respond right away, but sighed as he leaned in close and touched your face with one of his digits- “It is hard carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time, it is a difficult task to not only take care of yourself , but take care of those around you” he began “allow me to take some of that burden, allow me to bare some of your fears- if we are to be one, than your anxiety will be my anxiety, and I will do what I can to help quell all of thee fears you have.” You thanked him for his kind words and loving gestures, as you embraced his faceplate with your body in a tight embrace- he was the leader of the strongest Cybertronian force and was an icon to all who needed him to be, qnd right now he was all yours and was here to love and listen to you- you never in your life have felt so lucky to have him to yourself, even if you have to share him majority of the time. He was always there when you needed him to be your rock, nd in the end, that was all that really mattered.

Bumblebee

-A lot of people considered him to be a great comfort in times of need- mostly because he doesn’t have a real voice to respond to problems presented to him. In a way though, losing his voice has made him mush more of a sympathetic bot- he finds that he enjoys helping those who are just so frustrated and sad vent out their problems to the world and actually try to solve them. He thinks it’s always better to just let it all out rather than bottle it up inside and let it fester and grow into something ugly and resentful. He isn’t the best at comforting words or gestures, but if you find yourself in need of someone to talk and cry to- he was always the first in line to be that someone. You appreciated how kind hearted the gentle Bumblebee was, he thinks he isn’t much of a comfort and is only good for listening- but really he was the best bot to go to when you had problems. He loved hearing you talk and he loved hearing you complain, ironically, as you two had such similar thought patterns it was as if you were communicating for the both of you sometimes. He wouldn’t know what to do without you anymore, you were such a big and impactful part of his life now that everytime he thought about you it gave his spark little flurried of electric excitement to even be thinking about being in your presence. That’s why when you disappeared and hasn’t returned for awhile, he grew a little restless and worried. He knows sometimes you liked to run and pretend life didn’t exist, but you had been gone much too long for his comfort and he needed to seek you out and make sure for himself that you were ok- even if the others insisted that you were most likely unharmed. He didn’t care, they didn’t know you like he did- and he knows that you shouldn’t run and hide from your problems when you have a perfectly good bot to bring them to whenever you needed him to be there.

-He found you after a little bit of a frantic search, he wasn’t really thinking clearly through is worry and distraught, You were simply sitting alone, looking forlorn and sad as you hugged yourself a little while just staring into the empty void of space. He knew that look, he had seen it on you many times before when you were racked with worry over something you had little control over. He noticed that is what cause you most of your stress- worrying over the things you can’t seem to change because it is out of your scope of power to do, he can relate, as there is a lot of things he isn’t able to do or change in his life too. He can sometimes spiral downwards into a depression about it too, the only difference is he has a great support network to build him back up after he has been feeling down, before him you had almost no one- and that was a big travesty. You were such a nice and kind person, you deserved better than to be wracked with constant fear all the time, so he made it his life’s mission to be your network of support- he would be there for you even if you didn’t want to be there for yourself. He never felt like this about anyone before, so he took it upon himself to make sure you were always hapy and you always felt the same way he did- it was a big job, but e was down for the wok if it meant he could spend more and more happy moments with you. He just sat next to you, as you leaned into him for physical support, and you just sat and continued to stare off into space. He didn’t mind- sometimes just actually being there was enough to let you know that everything will be ok, he can be that ground you need to keep you on track and thinking clearly.It was another hour or so before you were ready to go somewhere to maybe get something to eat, or just change your dreary scenery so you would be more willing to talk and engage, and Bumblebee was always more than willing to be or personal car- it was nice always having a ride somewhere when you needed it. Little did you know though, that he would always be there when you need it- he might not be the best at words, but his attempts at comfort were always so sweet and caring.

Arcee

-When you look at a bot like Arcee, you are under the assumption that she is pretty hard core and isn’t exactly the nurturing and caring kind of femme. You would be right to assume that, but it’s not fair to just write her off like that because she isn’t very good with words or comforts. She is the definition of being a product of her upbringing- and war and fighting is all she really knows how to do, not to say she isn’t familiar with the physical aspect of relationships, she was just a little fuzzy when it came to comfort and love. Not to say she doesn’t enjoy cuddling and spending time with you doing all these mushy things, she is just a little more conservative when it comes to special times like that- she wants them to remain that way, special. She understand thought that you weren’t always the best of head spaces, she can relate to that one very well, so when you were feeling off about something or unsure about something else- she was always there to reassure you in her own special way. She was a little more harsh in her comforts than you would like, but you know that it is just her way of trying to perk you back up and make you feel stronger and wiser. She is a little funny when it comes to sharing her real feelings- as in you thought Bumblebee was bad with words, Arcee was probably the leader when it comes to cotton mouth syndrome where she swears her mouth dries up and she cannot speak properly. It was cute that she was so bad at what she was trying to do, and it was endearing that she tried so hard to please you with her words- even if majority of the time they absolutely fell flat and had no leverage whatsoever. It wasn’t her words as much as it was her attempts at making you feel better, she was much sweeter and kinder than she liked to let on, but that was ok since you were one of the rare few that got to see that much softer and squishier side of a bot who has gone through so much heartache and war- that thought was almost always enough for you to feel better, knowing you had the undivided love and adoration of such a wonderful femme- she was like the light at the end of your tunnel. Granted, she was a blistering light that shone a little too bright at times, but that’s ok, because you know that in the end she will always be there for you when you needed it most. WHich was why when she noticed you hasn’t turned up for quite awhile, she decided that it was time to seek you out, whether you wanted her to or not.

-She found in in an unusual spot, which was why it took her so long to find you, and she could tell right away that you had been crying recently. Your eyes were red and your cheeks a little puffy and stained from all the liquid that forced its way through even if you protested it. She felt her spark tug a little as she saw how much anguish and pain you seemed to be in- since you weren’t bonded she had no idea what was bothering you, she didn’t know exactly how to comfort you in this moment. She went with her instinct and gut feeling, and slowly approached you as she sat close enough to you to where you could lean to one side and she would be there- it was nice to feel sometingwarm like her frame, rather than the cold emptiness you felt inside during times like this where you just can’t control how your emotions come out. The weight of the world sometimes just felt so crushing, and knowing there was so much that you couldn’t fix or change, it was hard and ade your heart clench a little in sadness. You felt her use one of her digits run through the locks of you hair, and it was comforting and soothing to feel how gentle she can be when you needed it. She was somewhat a constant in this crazy life you live in- and even if sometimes you had to share her with the younger Jack, you knew that she had enough room in her spark for the two of you. Besides, she’s here with you right now and not with him, that certainly says a lot- as it was almost like she could sense when you were feeling bad and would come running to your rescue like this. You leaned into her touch and smiled a little through a new wave of tears that were falling, and you spilled a lot more than you wanted to in her direction when she asked was what was troubling you. In the end you felt like you might have overwhelmed her a little with your words, but she took it rather well and was just there to sit and listen-she didn’t offer any words of comfort or any kind of kind gesture of warmth. She was just there, and you were just there, and sometimes that’s enough to let you know that everything would be ok.

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

Cold eyes warm hearts- a allie and sasha oneshot of my fav oc pairing

Ok soooo this one is gonna be different from the other oneshots ive written. Instead of centering around ada(like they usually do) this will center around my ocs Allie Jones and Sasha Arlovskaya This is a oneshot that randomly came to my head Enjoy the Allie x Sasha~ WARNING THIS IS GONNA GET ANGSTY AND THERES GONNA BE YANDERE SASHA APPEARING IN THIS(TW: PHYSICAL ABUSE AND VIOLENCE AND SASHA COMMITING MURDER) (This is in 3rd p.o.v) “ i dont trust him” The american girl sighed rather heavily, picking up her milkshake and stirring it. “ cmon Sash give the guy a chance! Hes really nice and sweet and hes been really good to me the couple dates weve gone out on…"Allie tried to reason with her best male friend with little success, as the bellarussian simply narrowed his cold pink tinted slate colored eyes more and didnt touch the diner special plated in front of him. There was a world meeting this week in Allie’s father’s country so instead of hanging around the conferrence building Allie Jones dragged her cold, intimidating friend out to a local nearby diner. She shouldve known izzalia would mention her new boyfriend to Sasha… Sasha let out a grunt “i do not care. I do not trust him. I do not trust the gleam little sunflower described in his eyes. He does not sound good.” He argued firmly, crossing his heavy trench coat covered arms. Allie sighed again and took a sip of her vanilla and strawberry milkshake to come up with another counterargument. As she did she took in her friend’s appearance…his pale hair that was such a pale blonde it looked silver in the sunlight, his snowy skin, his frozen slate colored orbs for eyes, his slightly crooked teeth bared lightly in a snarl at her boyfriend-just the thought of him really, his strong broad shoulders and lanky appearing figure under that insufferable looking soot black trenchcoat and long sleeved dark blue shirt…… Allie shook away the thoughts and tried again. “Sash you havent even MET the guy yet! Just give him a chance and relax, i can handle myself just fine.” He responded with a grunt and took a bite of the large order of fries he had, one of the only things he really showed interest in eating. Allie gave a grunt of her own and chucked a fry at his face. “Dude seriously youre killing the happy mood of the whole damn diner.” At that his lips twitched up in the start of a smile and he rolled his eyes, easily swatting away the fry. “So sorry i am not a cheerful loudmouth like you Camellia.” Allie rolled her blood red eyes and ate her food, steering the subject away from her love life. And away from Sasha noticing the bruise on her arm. It wasnt that she was scared OF Sasha, no that wasnt it at all. Sasha was cold and could be intimidating sure, but to her she saw a cranky, smartmouthed, and overprotective boy that noticed things no one else but her own sister noticed. For good and for bad. She wasnt scared of him….more of his reaction to the finger shaped bruises on her arm, still freshly dark from yesterday. ‘he…he didnt mean it…he was stressed and was nice enough to make plans for us that i cancelled and forgot to tell him about…he had every right to grab me so hard and to yell like he did….’ Sasha sighed and nudged his food around. He knew she was hiding something, but Allie was….a complicated being to question. If you approached her bluntly about hiding something she’ll deny it and get defensive and skittish. But he couldnt ignore it either… Whether he liked it or not the loud, normally cheerful and foul-mouthed american girl had managed to situate herself into his life, his inner circle of trust, and biggest of all his heart. As he ate another fry he kept an eye on her, watching her movements and behavior for any hint of what was wrong with her. ‘she has been….skittish all day…hmmm….’ He was silent as she rambled about her dance lessons, seeing her sister and uncle mattheiu, about everything that happened between the times they saw each other in person that he didnt already know about. He lost all focus on her words though when she slipped off her leather jacket absently and waved her right arm in some kind of gesture. All his focus narrowed on the large, dark finger like bruises right below the tan girl’s elbow. “What.Are.Those.Allie.” Allie’s whole body tensed up and froze, her eyes widening. “….its nothing Sasha. Forget about them.” The bellarussian capital narrowed his eyes into a frigid glare and he grabbed her elbow firmly but gently, looking over the bruises with a low snarl. “Did He Do this? Does your father know about these bruises? What else has he done to you Camellia?!” Allie winced at his slowly rising tone and tugged at her arm to get it away from him. “C-christ Sasha calm down! No…dad doesnt know about it…he hasnt done anything to me…but…….yes….these are from him….” Her voice grew quieter and quieter as she spoke, shrinking back so subtly that Sasha let go and forced himself to calm down, eyes softening. “Camellia….” She smiled softly at him and rested her hand on his, her eyes lightening up in the way that made him relax. The light in her eyes was forgiving and happy. “Hey….its fine Sash. Youre protective of your friends…i know this…i shouldnt have hidden it from you….dont worry you didnt do anything wrong Sash. Im fine i promise they dont even hurt.” The two shared a moment of calmed silence before sasha set his other hand over allie’s gripping gently as they locked eyes… “Camellia…” “Sasha i…” She glanced away towards the door and sasha saw all the light die in her eyes as her face paled slightly. She yanked her hand away and forced a cheerful smile as footsteps approached them. “Allie! Baby i wasnt expecting to see you here…..with, a guy.” Sasha turned and glared at the tall male who stopped at their table, standing uncomfortably close to allie. Sasha saw the nervous twitch to the american’s fingers as she looked up at him. “O-oh hey Troy…t-this is my best friend Sasha. Hes in town from out of country and we’re just….catching up. Its..um…why i couldnt hang out today….” Her voice quieted seeing the human frown. Sasha gripped the table hard and blatantly glared at the human. “I am Sasha. You…must be the “boy friend” i have heard about.” His tone was as sharp and disgusted with the human as his glare. “ yeah im her boyfriend. Cmon allie you can hang out with…him…some other time lets go do something.” Before she could protest or refuse he grabbed her upper arm roughly and yanked her out of her seat. Sasha was seeing red when he saw her flinch a bit and allow him to push her around without fighting back. She grabbed her jacket and whispered a goodbye to the capital as she was dragged away. Sasha seethed and almost cracked the table when he punched it ‘that….bastard…is…dead…’ A few days passed and sasha was still seething, and allie didnt know what to do. They had been fighting and arguing viciously since what theyve both decided to call the ‘Diner Incident’. Almost every conversation between them turned into arguements and the guilt from it was eating Allie alive. She couldnt stand it, the tension between them. By the second to last day of the world meeting Allie was so distraught she had almost relasped, if her sister hadnt been there….. Allie shook her head a bit, not daring to even think about it. She was still clean, upset and miserable sure, but clean. She sighed a bit as she walked with troy down the street, blocking out her thoughts and the whole world really. That was a mistake. SMACK! She yelped in surprise and pain at the sudden harsh stinging in her cheek and looked at the human startled. “W-what the FUCK was that for?!” He glared at her almost disgusted and before she could react he managed to hit her across the face again, making her stumble into a wall. “ next time dont ignore me when im talking.” He sneered. Allie flinched back when he lifted his hand towards her, shrinking back. Then the next thing she knew Troy went flying down the sidewalk with a pissed off bellarussian and her whole world froze and tilted under her feet for a moment. She flinched at the crack sound his head made when it collided with the pavement, Sasha’s punch having sent him clear off his feet. But Sasha didnt stop there. He had lost it completely. And he was out for blood. Sasha didnt stop as he pinned the human down and started punching him over and over again, snarling and swearing loudly at him in russian as he did. The human boy had no chance to fight back or defend himself, sasha was ruthless and merciless. His vision was as red as his fists as he kept punching. “Sasha stop!” He snarled as Allie latched onto him and tried to yank him back, struggling against her to finish the human off. “Let.GO!” allie kept clinging to him and yanking him back. Sasha snarled at her persistance until he felt something wet start staining his shoulders. His whole body stopped moving. Allie was crying. His camellia was crying…. “P-p-please s-sasha…s-stop…p-please…” He blinked and the red cleared and he let his american pull him away a bit from the beaten and bloodied human, hugging her tightly as soon as he got the chance. “ im sorry camellia im so sorry do not cry camellia shh shhh im sorry it is ok now…” She hiccuped and nodded, looking up at him. Without thinking about it he leaned down and kissed her. It was awkward, wet and salty from her tears, gentle, innocent, a bit restrained, but allie enjoyed it anyway. She wiped her eyes when he pulled away and smiled “L-lets go back to the world conferrence building o-ok?” Sasha nodded but didnt move right away “You go ahead and start walking. I will call an ambulence. I insist.” She hesitated until he kissed her forehead and brushed a tear away, a rare soft smile on his face that made her cheeks flush red. “Please, my camellia, i insist. I will catch up with you shortly. Trust me love.” Allie nodded and kissed his cheek before she started walking away. When sasha knew she wasnt going to look back he grabbed the human and dragged him into a nearby alley, slamming him against a wall. He gave a small crazy smile as he stared at him. “ you will NEVER hurt, look at or touch MY camellia ever again. Understand?” He watched the human nod and smiled wider. Next thing he knew the human had a knife in his gut. “W-w-wha….” Sasha simply smiled even wider and stabbed him again, this time in the heart. “ no one hurts my precious camellia Allie and lives.” “So does this mean we are together now?” Sasha asked tentively to allie, hours later in the conferrence building waiting room. Both had been cleaned up and coddled and now they were relaxing on a comfortable couch. “Hmm…yes, yes it does Sash.” She murmured happily. Sasha smiled softly and kissed the top of her head, all traces of blood and what he had done wiped away. “Im glad my precious camellia….and…” “Hmm?” “You’ll be mine forever, da?” End. OK HOLY SHIT ITS FINALLY DONE HOLY SHIT THAT WAS LONG but im so proud of this right now @phantommoonpeople @canadas-googlesearchhistory @2pcanadas-googlehistory Alright guys here it is angsty yandere sasha! Hope you enjoy it!

[gardenplow3-blog]

Reading Recap: October 2018

At the end of every month, I take a look back at my reading journal and share the books and my thoughts on them here. The comments below are excerpts from my full reviews on Goodreads; you can always keep up with my reading in real-time over there.

The books I read in October were all over the place—a lyrical, lovely historical novel; a thrilling fantasy-adventure; a collection of moody short stories of the English countryside; two dark and spooky novels, an elegant investigation with Miss Phryne Fisher—plus two thoroughly engrossing audiobooks.

I’m still thinking about the Tiger’s Wife.

In fact, I gave it 4 1/2 stars, but maybe it’s 5. Maybe it will eventually be bumped to my all-time favorites list because I keep thinking about it.

The Tiger’s Wife by Téa Obreht | 4 1/2 stars I don’t want to give too much away about the events of this book because the way it unspools as you read is so… perfect. And it’s a difficult book to explain because it’s definitely a novel, but it’s also a collection of beautifully told, interconnected stories.

The basics are in the flap copy: Natalia is a young doctor in an unnamed Balkan country; from the descriptions, you can sort of figure out that it’s Serbia. She’s dealing with the aftermath of the civil wars when her beloved grandfather dies. As she’s trying to understand the circumstances surrounding his death, she tells stories: about herself, about her grandfather and retells stories that he’s told her… about a magical tiger and the tiger’s wife. As Natalia eventually learns, the stories her grandfather has been telling her are not fairy tales, but true stories of his life and the other villagers in Galina. Just as her grandfather’s youth was shaped by war, so was Natalia’s and her reality as a teenager during the Balkan wars echo the fable-like stories of his past.

This books takes you directly into Balkan villages—to WWI, WWII, as well as the fraught 1990s—and casts a spell while it explores the different kinds of love, secrets and dreams, the way the fallout of war spirals from the past into the present.

Favorite highlight: “Like everyone in the village, he had faith in the rituals of superstition. He gave money to beggars before traveling, put pennies in the shrines of the Virgin at crossroads, spat on his children when they were born. But, unlike his fellow villagers, he was renowned for having a deficit. He had been born in a lean year, without a ducat under his pillow. To make matters worse, an estranged aunt had once allegedly lifted him from his crib and praised heaven for what a beautiful baby, what a gorgeous, fat, blessed, rosy child he was—forever sealing his destiny to be impoverished, crippled, struck down and taken by the devil at some unexpected time, in some terrifying way.”

European Travel for the Monstrous Gentlewoman by Theodora Goss | 4 stars This is a rollicking adventure with lots of feels thrown in along the way, which is my very favorite kind of story. It picks up where��The Strange Case of the Alchemist’s Daughter left off. Our five kickass heroines, aka, The Athena Club—all the offspring of literary characters who are… SURPRISE!… real people in this alternate version of London—are off on a mission to rescue Lucinda Van Helsing from an insane asylum. The action involves, in no particular order, a daring asylum escape, sleeper cars on the Orient Express, hiding in a traveling circus, crashing a meeting of the Alchemical Society, and eating cake in the art nouveau cafes of Budapest. I love the Saturday-afternoon-serial feel of the narrative—coupled with lovely writing and characters I want to spend my time getting to know.

There are genuine emotions here among all the action, too. The girls, all technically monsters in their own way, struggle with their humanity and wrestle with what it means to do the right thing, how to find balance between toughness and tenderness, and making peace with themselves and the found-family they’ve formed together.

This would be a fantastic read-along with Dracula because there are plenty of smart, sly references to that novel. I read them back-to-back unintentionally, and it was a brilliant experience.

Favorite highlight: “If you have been up all night, escaping from a burning mental asylum or fighting men who refuse to die when you shoot them in the forehead, or both, coffee is the perfect beverage.”

Help the Witch by Tom Cox | 4 stars This is a collection of short stories from one of my favorite nonfiction writers. Tom Cox is the author of books about cats that are not books about cats—they’re about nature and living in the country and the power of walking and family and basically everything that makes life good. Now he’s written a collection of spooky and eerie, unsettling—not scary—stories that put you right there in the moody Peak District of central England. The writing on his web site is also brilliant.

Favorite highlight: “Outside, the dark is very dark. But in the day, the whiteness is very dark too, sometimes ever darker.”

Melmoth by Sarah Perry | 3 1/2 stars I’ve been thinking about this book since I turned the last page, and here’s where I’ve landed: It has a perfectly spooky gothic tone that I was super into. Throughout there’s some very moody, supernatural-ish stuff going on that was spine-tingly. I read this book in one day because I couldn’t put it down. It was an ignore-everything marathon of reading because I needed to know how it would all play out.

This novel is a series of stories told by different characters about the darkest times in their lives, and the stories they share are DARK, but not in the virginal-maiden-locked-in-a-castle way. They’re dark in a peoples’-lives-were-ruined way that was not fun at all. It was horribly sad. And I feel like that kind of serious subject matter is in direct contrast with the isn’t-it-spooky tone of the novel. Ultimately, I found the whole thing really depressing and when I closed the book, I was sorry that I’d devoted an entire day to it. But it’s so well crafted and well plotted, I feel like a jerk with my criticisms.

And there you have it. I still don’t really know how I feel about this book except that I for-sure won’t be reading it again. But also, I will never forgot some of its scenes.

Favorite highlight: “The Silence is something more than the absence of noise. If it is possible to hear silence, Helen hears it: a thick, soft sensation against the drums of her ears.”

Urn Burial by Kerry Greenwood | 4 stars I adore Phryne Fisher—in print and in the TV series ‘Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries—because she’s a super feminist and her politics—and the politics of the book—are very progressive. The juxtaposition of 1920s slang and fashion with ultra-modern opinions is irresistible, and I cannot resist a found-family. Phryne has created a lovely family for herself with her assistant Dot and her housekeepers, Mr and Mrs Butler. In this particular book, there’s a murder at a manor house, which is like catnip for me: lots of listening through doors, scampering to lovers’ bedrooms in the middle of the night, forced cocktail hour… it’s fab.

Favorite highlight: “It took determination to be really strange. That, or absinthe before breakfast every day.”

The Witch Elm by Tana French | 3 stars I think Tana French is excellent at what she does—I couldn’t put this down because I needed to know what was going to happen, and I had no idea how it was all going to resolve itself. Really, the writing craft should get 5 stars.

But man! this was really not for me. Even though I compulsively turned the pages, I didn’t enjoy the experience or the characters at all. The only character I liked died.  I thought everyone else was horrible: duplicitous, selfish, whiny, untrustworthy. I am grateful I don’t know people like this in real life, and I don’t enjoy spending time with them, even if it’s pretend and on paper.

Favorite highlight: “Hugo’s road has that effect; it gives the impression of being there only on alternate Thursday or to people with they mysterious talisman in their pockets, invisible the rest of the time and instantly forgotten when you leave.”

Dracula by Bram Stoker (audiobook) | 5 stars

I’m a sucker for epistolary novels, so before even opening the pages the first time I read this book, I was pretty much on board. Then when I got to know Mina and Jonathan, Dr. Seward and Van Helsing—I was smitten. This is a big, sweeping adventure story, and although it was published in 1897, it’s surprisingly modern. Unlike, say, the Brontës, which require a little work sometimes to get through the prose, this is very readable and the action moves at a good clip. But it’s not all desperate carriage rides and stake stabbings; there are a lot of genuine emotional moments in this book, and I love the way Mina turns out to be the heroine of the whole enterprise.

This audiobook version is fantastic. The voice work is very compelling and really brings the story to life.

Favorite highlight: “It is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes, and troubles. And yet when King Laugh come, he make them all dance to the tune he play. Bleeding hearts, and dry bones of the churchyard, and tears that burn as they fall, all dance together to the music that he make with that smileless mouth of him. Ah, we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us different ways. Then tears come, and like the rain on the ropes, they brace us up, until perhaps the strain become too great, and we break. But King Laugh he come like the sunshine, and he ease off the strain again, and we bear to go on with our labor, what it may be.”

The Shadow Land by Elizabeth Kostova (audiobook) | 5 stars I’ve read this book in print at least once, maybe twice? And I loved it for the reasons the NYTimes review didn’t… the beginning, before it gets into the heart of the story from the past, is a travelogue/love letter to Bulgaria—and that voice is part of what I loved so much about Elizabeth Kostova’s first book The Historian. This one has so many things I love: a mystery, foreign travel, a little romance, the love of a found-family, things that are not what they seem, shocking revelations over food, and regular people following mysterious clues to dangerous conclusions. At every moment I thought, “This is exactly what it would be like if *I* found myself caught up in a mystery” and since I’m always secretly hoping that will happen, I loved this story. There are plenty of surprises—I actually gasped a few times and shed a few tears. The big reveals aren’t obvious, but when they happened, I was, like, “Oh, yeah… that makes sense.”

The voice acting in this audiobook is awesome. Each character gets its own voice and is immediately recognizable. This is particularly effective when a character tells a story from the past—the accents, the aging voices, the emotion… it’s lush and moving and all-together engrossing.

Favorite highlight: “Always thinking. Thinking too much, and then sometimes not enough. You read a lot of books, yes?”

FIND ALL THESE BOOKS AND MORE IN MY AMAZON STORE!

What have you been reading recently?

Source: https://meljoulwan.com/2018/11/29/reading-recap-october-2018/

[humblesun]

I have never written a post on here before. I haven’t been on here in a very long time, actually. But I want to write something, because I think I experienced something worth writing about. I feel like I should do the millennial thing and write about it on a site my parents can’t see. It really isn’t that deep, but I really want to share it, even though I think the only person that’s gonna see it is zabreena lol. 

Last night I did shrooms for the third time in my life. The other two times were pretty good, very good experiences. I’m sure from that sentence you can guess that last night was not a good trip at all. I respect hallucinogens, always. There power is amazing and it is quiet beautiful when having good experiences. Even the bad experiences, I can appreciate them. 

I decided to trip with two of my 3 of my friends I trust a lot... One of them being someone I would literally die for. ANother being a genuine man that only wishes the best for other humans. The other one is a little iffy, but I always find the good in people, or i try to. 

I get off work and I go shower and my good friend and I head over to the iffy dudes dorm... I take a little over two grams and these shrooms are the real deal man... not even 20 minutes later I am having mad visuals. They are beautiful... I could not stop smiling. I was looking outside of the window and it was one of the most beautiful sunsets I had ever seen in my life. The trees were blowing in the wind in sections. Every tree had 5 or six sections that were growing into the sky. It looked like they were breathing. I look at this poster this iffy dude has in his dorm and theres trees on it, and the trees were growing inside of the room. There were colors everywhere. GOD IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I looked at my friends and I just told them I loved them. I felt so at peace with myself and the world. I was thinking about how proud I was of myself. I really had been getting my shit together. Then the genuine really cool guy was kind of freaking out. both of us had went into a spiral and I was thinking about how fucked up it is that people don’t know how to do the right thing. How it is so easy to do the right thing, but somehow people never know how to do it. I am someone who is always respectful and openminded to everyones opinions and thoughts. But people know what the right thing is and people constantly pick the wrong thing, because humans are so selfish. I was getting so angry at people. I eventually stood up because I was just zoned out looking at the ceiling. I looked at everyone and I said “what the fuck is going on,” I also said, “Im so hot, but I am so cold. jesus what the fuck.” I was peaking and so was everyone else. When tripping with people, I have felt very connected to them. Usually we are all thinking the same thing, but I was only on the same page as the genuine guy. We kept looking at each other because I felt like he could hear my thoughts, and he thought I could hear his. The iffy dude was getting pissed off because the genuine guy started crying because he was just so sad. I told him that it was okay to cry and my friend of many years was doing the same. 

Eventually he stopped crying... The genuine guy and my friend of many years have had a thing for a few weeks, theyve been makin out, doin things, ya know.... And chandler wanted to kiss tyler, so I guess they started making out, but I didnt know because I had zero peripheral vision.. I could not see them at all. I could not feel my body at all. I felt myself getting hot again and I felt someone touching me. It was that iffy dude!!!! he was groping my stomach and was in my shirt... shit was fucking weird. I yelled at him “get the fuck off of me, stop touching me dude.” and he backed off. I could not get up and leave, other wise i would have left that second. I was paralyzed on the bed dude. Aint no way in hell i could've left. I felt hot gain. this dude was holding my hand and playing with my hair and groping me, AGAIN. I fucking yelled again!! I grabbed this dudes arm and pulled him off of me....... I was sitting there thinking about how I had to go to school for some reason. I said “man i gotta go to school.” everyone was like “what the fuk.” Oh well, I was being semi responsible even on shrooms on a saturday night. I felt hot again. I could not feel my body and this dude was fucking on top of me. HE WAS ON TOP OF ME. I pushed this little dude off and I was fucking pissed. the genuine guy had his pants off for some reason, and I was like what is going on. iffy dude yelled at the genuine dude to put his pants on lol. And genuine guy left the room and iffy guy got mad at me and said “what the fuck, why are you so angry. Is this what rejection feels like.” Yes mother fucker. Fuck you. He justified his actions by saying that he thought it was weird that genuine guy and my friend of many years were interacting like that, but we weren’t. 

We could not find genuine guy to get our ID’s so we can leave. Iffy guy thought I should go and help him find him. Friend of many years and I yelled at him and said “Fuck you, you go find him.” we waited and he finally came back and we left. Genuine guy ran away and I went to my room. I thought iffy guy was gonna go get genuine guy, but iffy dude left his friend stranded and he ended up in the hospital. Genuine guy called the iffy guy to get him out of the hospital and iffy dude said no. WHAT THE FUCK. what kind of friend is that.... 

NOW COMES THE CRAZIEST PART. Person reading this. I experienced an ego death. It was the scariest moment of my fucking life. I went to the dorm and I felt better, but there was something spiraling, but I thought it was okay. I’m usually the babysitter, so I told myself I’m fine alone. My friend of many years left to meet up with her new lady friend, and things got very very bad.... I thought I shit my pants so I told myself I was disgusting. I was smothering my face into the floor saying I hated myself, that there was no point in living. I heard someone say outside of my dorm, “why is there blood everywhere, did someone kill themselves?” All of a sudden I get up and open my eyes and there is blood everywhere. I look at my desk and there is a hannah baker razor sitting there with blood on it. I look down at my arms and there are huge gashes. I feel the blood dripping out of my body. I i start to cry. I start saying “It’s too late. I just killed myself. I’m just an article about drugs and suicide.” I was looking around and i felt myself fall to the ground. I was talking and breathing like I was dead. I laid there and I heard nothing. I was deaf. I realized I was talking way too long to be bleeding out. I got up and realized I was alive, and I had scissors in my hand for some reason. I was holding them saying how worthless I am. There is always a part of me that does what is right, so I set the scissors down and I called my mom and realized it was my mom and hung up. I called my roommate/friend of many years, and I told her to call 911. She sprinted up to me and I was on the ground, in a ball, just crying. I didn’t have a shirt on and she spooned me while I cried. 

I didn’t know what had happened to me until I googled it this morning. I have had very scary suicidal thoughts before, because I have been very depressed before this, but feeling like I had died was the scariest thing ever. I never want to die and the fact that that thought has ever crossed my mind, makes me so sad. Alls I wanted to do was call my family. I wanted to see them and hug them and talk to them. The fact that I thought they would never get to see me alive ever again, was so so terrifying. I called my sister and told her about it, and she cried because i started to cry because that experience had left me traumatized for a minute. 

I want to make a point to this post, but I just wanted to write about what happened. If you ever want to die, don’t die please. Don’t make any action, because someone loves the shit out of you. I promise. I promise you are okay. I promise it isn’t worth it. I know I didn’t really die, but i cannot emphasize enough... I seriously thought I died. I felt my body shut down. Everything was okay and everything is okay. I love breathing and my family. 

Ps. 13 reasons why is the dumbest show ever. Hannah baker is fucking stupid. & I don’t support anyones liking towards it. 

[mynameishedgehog]

hello, to preface this very long post id like to say that pretty what it contains is why my leaving the mormon religion was good for me and my mental health. i wrote this in a small journal i keep while i was at work and will be transcribing it from that. i will make some notes, with thoughts i have now, these will be identified with ((note: example))

on a completely different topic, i was thinking about this the other day. How i was treated in the mormon religion and at my specific church. as a child i always knew that i wouldnt stay in the church as an adult, but to my memory there were no specific people or events that soured all of mormonism. i just knew that i wouldnt be going to church, or believe in the gospel when i gew up. 

it was why “a childs prayer” ((note: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eb29gVgaHcY link for my nonmormon or ex-mormon followers)) was my favorite hymn. i saw the child questioning the church, like i was, then they pray and god is like “hell yea! wassuup!” but when i prayed as a child i felt nothing. people always spoke of feeling “a warmth surround them” and i tried to imagine a comforting light, and a hugging warmth while i prayed, but i always knew that those feelings were manufactured.

i felt lesser, because i had to make up the spirit surrounding me so i fit in at church.

even that didnt work.

i had some friends, but none were my age (except kaydi, but she was in another ward) the friends i did have i rarely saw and only hung out with them at church events. the girls my age would say we were all friends if you asked them, but i always, always, felt a disconnect. like i never truly fit in with their ideal of a teenage mormon girl.

when i started going to relief society the drift i felt between myself and the other members grew and grew. i had come out to my mother when i was around 17 or 18. ((note: mormon men and women attend relief society and...whatever the guys group was called i dont remember, when they turn 18)) I still went to church for a very short time after coming out to her, until i finally stopped going altogether and i felt peace in myself.

for the first time in my life i had made a decision that i knew was best for me, even though i knew how important the church was for mom, it had only ever drained me.

the members tried for a while to get me to come back to church, but i knew in my heart i would never belong, even if they disagree. this feeling was validated when they had stopped trying to get me to come to church, only recently i found out it was because im queer. i had only come out to 1 or 2 girls in the YW ((note: young women)) because i thought they would still be my firned afterward. the one i remember best, i texted her and said “im gay pass it on” ((note: i was still very very insecure about my sexuality at this point and didnt have the courage to tell her in person, and when im nervous i make a lot of jokes)) and she was more upset at how i had come out to her. “through text? and with a joke?!” ((note: anyone following that is struggling with coming out to friends and family, there is no wrong way to come out. only wrong ways to react.)) we did not keep much contact after that.

its all for the best, the mormon church made me miserable, hate myself, and cry so much. im finally able to step into the building i attended without a panic attack. im most comfortable in the lobby, but during conferences i ca sit in the way back (in the gym) and be ok too should the need arise.

now as a 22 year old adult i have more confidence in myself (than when i was 15) i like myself a bit more, and im taking steps to be happy. i surround myself with things and people who make me feel good, and happy, and worth being here, which is what the mormon members tried very hard to do, and some people do make me feel safe who are mormon (dad, katt, some extended family) but in their efforts to reach out, i recoiled.

im in a much better place now than when i was 16, or 14, or even 7 years old. not going to church was the best thing that ever happened to me.

alright, that was the end of what i had written. there was a bit i had left out. in my teen years, and even before, i tried to fill an emptiness i felt in myself with the church, which only hurt me more. as i grew up and found out more about myself, i hated myself more because “good mormon girls dont swear” “good mormon girls dont use the lords name in vain” “good mormon girls dont like other girls” “good mormon girls can feel the holy spirit” and i tried to fix myself with god, and with religion, and with prayer

ill joke to my friends when we play cards against humanity and the card “praying the gay away” comes up ill say “it doesnt work” and ill get a laugh, but i had tried. it was a major part of my life, and something i had never told anyone. a lot of this are things i have never told anyone, but its important to cleanse your mind of things that weigh heavy on it. which is why i even carry a journal. but this was a lifelong secret ive had. something ive been carrying heavy on my shoulders since i was in single digits, the weight getting heavier and heavier, and finally today i feel lifted. i feel light. relief. refreshed.

im not saying everyone should share theyre secrets theyve been harboring with the world, personally i still things that i dont tell people, (maybe one day) but if you feel like youre in a good place, and if you think it will help you feel better about yourself, and your surroundings, or even if you think it will relieve anything at all from you and you are comfortable with sharing, then i say share.

 it doesnt have to be with the world. it doesnt even have to be with people. originally i just bought a journal because i have random thoughts throughout the day that get stuck in my head unless i write them down. but if you want to share then share.

if you just want to let it out into the void where no one will know then write it down. even if its on computer paper or notebook paper. writing down your thoughts helps. 

and if you want to trust a stranger for whatever reason i am always willing to listen. i may not always be online, but my inbox is always open, and i will always read it, and i will reply to you if you want.

i love you all. i love you all.

[shi-kiori]

Note 5: of love, hate

“i love you”

these days, its so easy to say i love you to someone without really meaning it all the way. i recently thought about this and so it resurfaced in my train of thought. its also so easy to tell someone you hate them just as much.

let’s practice for example, i fucking hate my family that wasnt so hard

im sorry for the bad sarcasm, today was a rough day. ive been trying to temper my anger and ive also been considering going to anger management therapy. it was really hard to go through today seeing my parents and my brothers who are the epitome of stinking privilege. i know its hypocritical of me considering i am in the family, but today, theyve raised the bar on who keeps disappointing me the most.

i never really care about things unless its of utter importance to me but ill share my experience today. long story short, i was immediately turned down on wanting to buy something for my birthday. its so petty i get it. but theres something about how their expressions immediately twisted the moment i mentioned i wanted to buy something. the disgust was so written all over their face. they were really giving me all the reasons to not get it. 

but you know what irritated me the fucking most in this trial? it was that they really would do this to me but bend over when its my brothers who ask for something. why is that so? its fucking disgusting. yeah, way to show your kids just how much you love them. this whole situation irritates me all the fucking more because theyre always gonna have a reason to gaslight and guilt trip the fuck out of you when they get the chance. pulling up cards such as think of all the sacrifices ive made for you and all that bullshit. im getting so fed up.

im starting to learn that as i get older, the lesser love im being shown by my own parents. its so cliche to say that parents will love their kids no matter what and i do believe that. but theyre never going to mold and shape themselves to better understand what i go through on a daily and how much just the small things are starting to matter to me. its hard enough as it is to wake up trying to shake off feelings off being a devastating failure and always trying your best yet they never appreciate it the same way they appreciate my brothers.

yes i will admit, i do seek that validation. it matters to me but as days go on im starting to believe that maybe ill never get that. and im just going to learn to accept that. start doing things by myself and learning how to go through it by myself. after all, my family were never the touchy feelings type to me growing up. they never really cared even when they said they did.

if they did, i wouldnt be writing this in the first place.

and so goes on another new day of feeling the burn in me.

--

(life UPDATE: im gonna get my first tattoo in about a month!! im going to post it here for self indulgence and i am wildly excited. at least theres something to look forward to now.)

[writingguide003-blog]

44 Writing Hacks From Some of the Greatest Writers Who Ever Lived

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44 Writing Hacks From Some of the Greatest Writers Who Ever Lived

Writing looks fun, but doing it professionally is hard. Like really hard. Why on earth am I doing this?-hard.

Which is probably why so many people want to write, yet so few actually do. But there are ways to make it easier, as many writers can tell you. Tricks that have been discovered over the centuries to help with this difficult craft.

In another industry, these tricks would be considered trade secrets. But writers are generous and they love to share (often in books about writing). They explain their own strategies for how to deal with writers block to how to make sure your computer never eats your manuscript. They give away this hard-won knowledge so that other aspiring writers wont have to struggle in the same way. Over my career, Ive tried to collect these little bits of wisdom in my commonplace book (also a writers trick which I picked up from Montaigne) and am grateful for the guidance theyve provided.

Below, Ive shared a collection of writing hacks from some amazing writers like Kurt Vonnegut, George Orwell, Stephen King, Elizabeth Gilbert, Anne Lamott, and Raymond Chandler. I hope its not too presumptuous but I snuck in a few of my own too (not that I think Im anywhere near as good as them).

Anyway, heres to making this tough job a tiny bit easier!

[*] When you have an idea for an article or a bookwrite it down. Dont let it float around in your head. Thats a recipe for losing it. As Beethoven is reported to have said, If I don’t write it down immediately I forget it right away. If I put it into a sketchbook I never forget it, and I never have to look it up again.

[*] The important thing is to start. At the end of John Fantes book Dreams from Bunker Hill, the character, a writer, reminds himself that if he can write one great line, he can write two and if he can write two he can write three, and if he can write three, he can write forever. He pauses. Even that seemed insurmountable. So he types out four lines from one of his favorite poems. What the hell, he says, a man has to start someplace.

[*] In fact, a lot of writers use that last technique. In Tobias Wolffs autobiographical novel Old School, the character types the passages from his favorite books just to know what it feels like to have those words flow through his fingertips. Hunter S. Thompson often did the same thing. This is another reason why technologies like ebooks and Evernote are inferior to physical interaction. Just highlighting something and saving it to a computer? Theres no tactile memory there.

[*] The greatest part of a writers time is spent in reading; a man will turn over half a library to make one book. Samuel Johnson

[*] Tim Ferriss has said that the goal for a productive writing life is two crappy pages a day. Just enough to make progress, not too ambitious to be intimidating.

[*] They say breakfast (protein) in the morning helps brain function. But in my experience, thats a trade-off with waking up and getting started right away. Apparently Kurt Vonnegut only ate after he worked for 2 hours. Maybe he felt like after that hed earned food.

[*] Michael Malice has advised dont edit while you write. I think this is good advice.

[*] In addition to making a distinction between editing and writing, Robert Greene advises to make an equally important distinction between research and writing. Trying to find where youre going while youre doing it is begging to get horribly lost. Writing is easier when the research is done and the framework has been laid out.

[*] Nassim Taleb wrote in Antifragile that every sentence in the book was a derivation, an application or an interpretation of the short maxim he opened with. THAT is why you want to get your thesis down and perfect. It makes the whole book/essay easier.

[*] Break big projects down into small, discrete chunks. As I am writing a book, I create a separate document for each chapter, as I am writing them. Its only later when I have gotten to the end that these chapters are combined into a single file. Why? The same reason it feels easier to swim seven sets of ten laps, than to swim a mile. Breaking it up into pieces makes it seem more achievable. The other benefit in writing? It creates a sense that each piece must stand on its own.

[*] Embrace what the strategist and theorist John Boyd called the draw-down period. Take a break right before you start. To think, to reflect, to doubt.

[*] On being a writer: All the days of his life he should be reading as faithfully as his partaking of food; reading, watching, listening. John Fante

[*] Dont get caught up with pesky details. When I am writing a draft, I try not to be concerned with exact dates, facts or figures. If I remember that a study conducted by INSERT UNIVERSITY found that XX% of businesses fail in the first FIVE/SIX? months, thats what I write (exactly like that). If I am writing that on June XX, 19XX Ronald Reagan gave his famous Tear Down This Wall speech in Berlin in front of XX,XXX people, thats how its going to look. Momentum is the most important thing in writing, so Ill fill the details in later. I just need to get the sentences down first. “Get through a draft as quickly as possible.” is how Joshua Wolf Shenk put it.

[*] Raymond Chandler had a trick of using small pieces of paper so he would never be afraid to start over. Also with only 12-15 lines per page, it forced economy of thought and actionwhich is why his stuff is so readable.

[*] In The Artists Way, Julia Cameron reminds us that our morning pages and our journaling dont count as writing. Just as walking doesnt count as exercise, this is just priming the pumpits a meditative experience. Make sure you treat it as such.

[*] Steven Pressfield said that he used to save each one of his manuscripts on a disk that hed keep in the glovebox of his car. Robert Greene told me he sometimes puts a copy of his manuscript in the trunk of his car just in case. I bought a fireproof gun safe and keep my stuff in therejust in case.

[*] My editor Niki Papadopoulos at Penguin: Its not what a book is. Its what a book does.

[*] While you are writing, read things totally unrelated to what youre writing. Youll be amazed at the totally unexpected connections youll make or strange things youll discover. As Shelby Foote put it in an interview with The Paris Review: I cant begin to tell you the things I discovered while I was looking for something else.

[*] Writing requires what Cal Newport calls deep workperiods of long, uninterrupted focus and creativity. If you dont give yourself enough of this time, your work suffers. He recommends recording your deep work time each dayso you actually know if youre budgeting properly.

[*] Software does not make you a better writer. Fuck Evernote. Fuck Scrivner. You dont need to get fancy. If classics were created with quill and ink, youll probably be fine with a Word Document. Or a blank piece of paper. Dont let technology distract you. As Joyce Carol Oates put it in an interview, Every writer has written by hand until relatively recent times. Writing is a consequence of thinking, planning, dreaming this is the process that results in writing, rather than the way in which the writing is recorded.

[*] Talk about the ideas in the work everywhere. Talk about the work itself nowhere. Dont be the person who tweets Im working on my novel. Be too busy writing for that. Helen Simpson has Faire et se taire from Flaubert on a Post-it near her desk, which she translates as Shut up and get on with it.

[*] Why cant you talk about the work? Its not because someone might steal it. Its because the validation you get on social media has a perverse effect. Youll less likely to put in the hard work to complete something that youve already been patted (or patted yourself) on the back for.

[*] When you find yourself stuck with writers block, pick up the phone and call someone smart and talk to them about whatever the specific area youre stuck with is. Not that youre stuck, but about the topic. By the time you put your phone down, youll have plenty to write. (As Seth Godin put it, nobody gets talkers block.)

[*] Keep a commonplace book with anecdotes, stories and quotes you can always usefrom inspiration to directly using in your writing. And these can be anything. H.L. Mencken for example, would methodically fill a notebook with incidents, recording scraps of dialogue and slang, columns from the New York Sun.

[*] As you write down quotes and observations in your commonplace book, make sure to do it by hand. As Raymond Chandler wrote, when you have to use your energy to put words down, you are more apt to make them count.

[*] Elizabeth Gilbert has a good trick for cutting: As you go along, Ask yourself if this sentence, paragraph, or chapter truly furthers the narrative. If not, chuck it. And as Stephen King famously put it, kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribblers heart, kill your darlings.

[*] Strenuous exercise everyday. For me, and for a lot of other writers, its running. Novelist Don DeLillo told The Paris Review how after writing for four hours, he goes running to shake off one world and enter another. Joyce Carol Oates, in her ode to running, said that the twin activities of running and writing keep the writer reasonably sane and with the hope, however illusory and temporary, of control.

[*] Ask yourself these four questions from George Orwell: What am I trying to say? What words will express it? What image or idiom will make it clearer? Is this image fresh enough to have an effect? Then finish with these final two questions: Could I put it more shortly? Have I said anything that is avoidably ugly?

[*] As a writer you need to make use of everything that happens around you and use it as material. Make use of Seinfelds question: Im never not working on material. Every second of my existence, I am thinking, Can I do something with that?

[*] Airplanes with no wifi are a great place to write and even better for editing. Because there is nowhere to go and nothing else to do.

[*] Print and put a couple of important quotes up on the wall to help guide you (either generally, or for a specific project). Heres a quote from a scholar describing why Ciceros speeches were so effective which I put on my wall while I was writing my first book. At his best [Cicero] offered a sustained interest, a constant variety, a consummate blend of humour and pathos, of narrative and argument, of description and declamation; while every part is subordinated to the purpose of the whole, and combines, despite its intricacy of detail, to form a dramatic and coherent unit. (emphasis mine)

[*] Focus on what youre saying, worry less about how. As William March wrote in The Bad Seed, A great novelist with something to say has no concern with style or oddity of presentation.

[*] A little trick I came up with. After every day of work, I save my manuscript as a new file (for example: EgoIsTheEnemy2-26.docx) which is saved on my computer and in Dropbox (before Dropbox, I just emailed it to myself). This way I keep a running record of the evolution of book. It comforts me that I can always go back if I mess something up or if I have to turn back around.

[*] Famous ad-man David Ogilvy put it bluntly: Use short words, short sentences and short paragraphs.

[*] Envision who you are writing this for. Like really picture them. Dont go off in a cave and do this solely for yourself. As Kurt Vonnegut put it in his interview with The Paris Review: …every successful creative person creates with an audience of one in mind. Thats the secret of artistic unity. Anybody can achieve it, if he or she will make something with only one person in mind.

[*] Do not chase exotic locations to do some writing. Budd Schulbergs novel The Disenchanted about his time with F. Scott Fitzgerald expresses the dangers well: It was a time everyone was pressing wonderful houses on us. I have a perfectly marvelous house for you to write in, theyd say. Of course no one needs marvelous houses to write in. I still knew that much. All you needed was one room. But somehow the next house always beckoned.”

[*] True enough, though John Fante said that when you get stuck writing, hit the road.

[*] Commitments (at the micro-level) are important too. An article a week? An article a month? A book a year? A script every six weeks? Pick something, but commit to itpublicly or contractually. Quantity produces quality, as Ray Bradbury put it.

[*] Dont ever write anything you dont like yourself and if you do like it, dont take anyones advice about changing it. They just dont know. Raymond Chandler

[*] Neil Strauss and Tucker Max gave me another helpful iteration of that idea (which I later learned is from Neil Gaiman): When someone tells you something is wrong with your writing, theyre usually right. When they tell you how to fix it, theyre almost always wrong.

[*] Ogilvy had another good rule: Never use jargon words like reconceptualize, demassification, attitudinally, judgmentally. They are hallmarks of a pretentious ass.

[*] Print out the work and edit it by hand as often as possible. It gives you the readers point of view.

[*] Hemingway advised fellow writer Thomas Wolfe to break off work when you ‘are going good.’Then you can rest easily and on the next day easily resume. Brian Koppelman (Rounders, Billions) has referred to this as stopping on wet edge. It staves off the despair the next day.

[*] Keep the momentum: Never stop when you are stuck. You may not be able to solve the problem, but turn aside and write something else. Do not stop altogether. Jeanette Winterson

That taps me out for now. But every time I read I compile a few more notecards. Ill update you when Ive got another round to share.

In the meantime, stop reading stuff on the internet and get back to writing!

But if you have a second…share your own tips below.

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/

[isaacathom]

ok this is actually a fun bit of writing here, even if the preceding shit was kinda garbage

tl;dr this bitch has to rant about this stupid book because i naively want to learn something about my family’s history and this is the only fucken way to do it

‘When he discovered he had to work to help provide for this instant family of a large flock of children, ‘Mick’ showed his true self and devotion to the family.

Within a year of the marriage, he left the fold, leaving his wife to fend for herself in the daunting task of raising her children.’

like.aside from just being kinda awkwardly worded (he bangs On and On about how his mum was the 11th of 11 children like fuck i get it its a big family, holy shit) i think thats just. a good concept there. the space really sells the punch. wouldve been better if we hadnt been told beforehand that Mick was a cunt, yknow. but thats nice

also lets keep going. ‘6 step brothers and 4 step sisters’ theyre actually her Half Siblings. they all share the same mother. theyre related. she’d be step if she was adopted, which she was not, because if she were, surely we wouldve been told about those circumstances.

‘[his mother] easily met that high standard as she was a very pretty young lady’ please dont perv out over your fucking mother you pig of a man. also you would hope ‘jock’ (his name is fucking robert but ok, Jock) was interested in more than how pretty Nellie was when they got together, right......... like there had to be more to it. am i naive? perhaps

‘scottish clan gordon’ the what. but we arent gordons???? are you. are you hundred percent sure. are you positive about this. are you sure thats why your name is gordon. alright buddy

‘according to buzzy’s story’ please never refer to yourself in the third person

‘hotels rarely burn down’ ?? i dont buy that at all. my guess is this famous hotel (which.... you didnt name so ok)

ok so theres a picture in here of my dad standing at some random gate, and he says its the same gate as a picture of his dad..... where is THAT picture??? this picture means nothing without that historic context, and it feels hollow if the actual picture isnt there.

granddad you dont. you dont need to wikipedia article dump me information about glasgow??? i mean sure, cool, id rather just be reading the wikipedia article.

jesus christ. so hes talking about his dad, right. who he’d technically set up earlier by saying he came to melbourne at 19. before he launched into a whole thng about his mother and shit. and suddenly hes come back to his dad to explain that his dad (so gordons grandfather) used to beat him! and its like, wOAH, where the fuck did that come from??? shit dude. thats rough. but he just mentions it suddenly out of nowhere. oH JESUS actually. sorry. i misread (yknow, because its written like shit). he means.... his brother??? right, he means his Brother Robert, was beaten by his dad, also named Robert, who was the one who came to melbourne aged 19. ok. ok that makes slightly more structural sense but ooof. ouch. poor robert (the younger). in my uh, defence, this book is written awful and i've never met robert? (my.... understanding is that he probably died before i was born? like with mary, who i dont recall having met either)

ok uhhh ‘most of the gorbal’s tenemenets were eventually demolished by the wise founding fathers many decades later, in the 1980s’ the WHOM. this isnt fucking america, this is scotland, what in the actual fuck are you TALKING about????????????????????????????? ‘modern day replacement improvements and architecture designed to achieve, what?’ fucker they were trying to fix the mistake they made in crowding 90k people into the fucking gorbals. maybe they didnt succeed (they didnt) but they were trying, it was naivete rather than fucking malice, you bitter old fuck. like, you visited in the 1980s.... and published this book in 2007......... without thinking to check back......... like hey maybe theyve gotten better? (newsflash - they fucking have) sooo... fuck

‘could the [my family] be related? [to the mcdonalds]’ yes??? we literally are. theres no question of that. being a sept of clanranald, we are Literally related to the fucking macdonalds. you absolute buffoon. yea its distant, and maybe thats your point, but when combined with you launching into this giant diatribe about rhw Campbells for shit that happened long ago, it seems youre picking and choosing how close ‘related’ is. we are. literally. related to the macdonalds. also it wasnt thought up in glasgow, they were from fucking new hampshire. but sure. 

‘his sheila wife of his’ excuse me?

‘so the name was related to a buzzing bee i suppose’ ? i still dont get it. like, he then explains that apparently his twin sister had difficulty saying Brother, so she called him Buzzy. that makes sense to me. i can understand that. but the buzzing bee thing? not sure i follow, given the prior context he provided. i dont get it. this is written like garbage. theres no structure. we went from jumping forward in time to the birth of my uncle Dale (my dads older brother) and suddenly we’re talking about Mick’s running career and gordon’s childhood! what the fuck happened.

‘coupled with the bigoted attitudes that were rife during those periods’ says the man who got angry at a black (i THINK, mightve been a separate story)  frenchman who couldnt speak english in France because ‘we saved them’. fuck off. youre just like them, you old codger.

also hes decrying his grandfather mick for being ‘no true irishman’ even though micks dad was full irish? by that exact same metric i can call my grandfather no true scotsman, because his dad is full scottish and thats it!!! you fucking fool. no true irishman, holy shit, how little self awareness could this man have.

‘then excessive drinking liquor isnt for me’ but is Is for your wife, is it gordon??? drinking wine when shes on antibiotics??? fucking incredible. god theyre. theyre so stupid.

‘not proceeding as a scholar as i could have’ you literally admitted like 5 pages ago that your twin sister was Far smarter than you, but sure! ~scholar~. if you were meant to be a scholar surely you wouldve bounded back from missing days with a vengeance. youre talking complete tosh.

im confused why theyd be doing bombing drills in South Yarra.... in preparation from a japanese air raid.... like im sorry, if the people north are doing their jobs, theres no physical way they couldve gotten to south yarra....... but ok. thats not his fault i just think thats strange.

im 110 pages in and he hasnt actually gotten to the point where he meets eleanor??? aside from a few time jumps forward and a brief mention of ‘meeting her in a milk bar in south yarra’ so like. hoi vey? the fuck.

oh jesus thats. thats a heavy thing to just chuck in the middle of a sentence??? like ‘oh yea after Skete the next scout leader was a paedophile who abused me and the others’ wwwOooahhh there buddy back up. what???? holy shit. ouch. thats. thats rough.

‘absolutely belted this poofta bastard’ yknow what? fair. id also beat the fuck out of a pedo with my boot. thats Relatable. good going on that, i suppose.

ooh thats full third person, weird.

one thing that is definitely kinda interesting, and very telling about his relationship with his family, is that he only ever refers to Nellie as ‘mum’, but refers to Mick as, well, Mick! rather than ‘granddad’ or anything of the sort. like its just sorta interesting when you get this big family photo and Nellie is the only one not called by her first name.

‘returning to those earlier days’ NO! FUCKING MOVE FORWARD IN TIME YOU GIT!!!! holy shit i just want to read about new fucking shit.

......... so like, at some point while playing footy, an opposing player kicked him in the leg and caused a fractured tibia. so a few weeks later... one of gordons friends took a mark on that player and kneed him straight in the head, with that player never playing again. and he’s PROUD of that!!! he’s proud of his friend for ruining a guys footy career. like yea, the guy was a dick, he broke your leg and it was at least partially malicious, but like........... you fucked him up????? hardcore?????? a straight up ruination. but go off i guess.

its interesting that he doesnt go even remotely into eleanors history beyond the fact (so far) that her father Leo didnt say much but was a good dude. then again the books all about him soooo fuck it i suppose.

‘recognition of our scottish heritage’ eleanor isnt scottish tho. shes irish. shes an o'donoghue. what the fuck. like yea naming them dale and glen is a ‘clever’ nod back to scotland (i actually do think thats cute and clever, joking aside. its the exact sort of ‘clever’ shit i love pulling) but............. shes not scottish. unless we’re waiting for volume 2 all about eleanor.

hE USED TO LIVE OUT HERE??????? IN SPRINGVALE????? fuck me. no fucking wonder we live here, huh, jesus. that. certainly explains something, i suppose. like ‘if you were raised in holbrook and YOU were raised in thomastown, why do we live in knox?’

OHHHHH HERES THE FRENCH THING!!!! OHHHH HERES ONE OF THE FRENCH THINGS. OH BITCH behold

so granddads being a dick, as usual, and he’s on some tour in paris. and the tour guide launches into a long thing about the glory of france, like french history and the fighting record, etc. and granddad calls out and tells him to knock it off, because ‘our australians died by the thousands for your country’

i. eh... uhh............... is he. is he aware? of how many french people died???? for france?????? how many????? il tell you how many - apparently 1.44% of the total population of france. thats 600000 people. how many did we lose? around 35k. thats, uh, a smaller fucking number. than the amount of french people. who died. for fucking france. you fucking idiot.

it kills me. is he gonna include the french speaking one too???

oh hell that sure is a picture of my father. good heavens. holy shit my brother really does look like him. thats uncanny, man.

‘one son Scotty’ his name is Scott, actually. not scotty. but cool, i got a really small shout out, weirdly BEFORE my older cousins did???? oh dear is he gonna talk about my uncles divorce actually. oh god. thats. thats terrifying to consider. oh, cool, he didnt in that small section, hopefully it doesnt come up haha (i can only IMAGINE what sort of vile shit he’d say about cathy)

also, ooh, more nuggets on grandma’s family. her dad was a freemason! thats cool.

ooh! he was the president of holbrook shire council! thats kinda neat actually.

ooh! the glenndale motel actually still exists! thats cool as hell. not that granddad told me that i just googled it

OHHH ITS THE FUCKING FRENCH SPEAKING STORY OH MY GOD

Ok first off ‘i slammed my fist into the counter and said very calmly’ yea no fuck that, youre fucking lying. theres no way you slammed the counter and spoke calmly. you almost definitely abused this poor french metro worker who, being a French Man living in France, is not required to know english. you fucking babboonnnnnnnnnn

apparently he nearly fell off a mountain innnnnn geeermany? austria, austria. and as he mentions my dad pulling him back up, he words it as ‘stopping me from falling to my final destiny’ what fucking wording IS that. my god.

uh well ok thats. about it i suppose. there was a big hullabuloo about like, hotels and shit, and there was probably some racism about Islanders in there (like i find it hard to believe there wasnt but im not gonna go back and double check, because this book reads like absolute garbage). but eh. yea?

uuhhh so that was an Adventure, for sure

[survivordivergent]

EPISODE 5 - “THAT’S SHADY AS FUCK RIGHT THERE” - DANI

Okay but is this tribe gonna have a Kura Kura lovefest "oh my god group movie night, who wants to watch cycle six of ANTM and stay up all night braiding each other's hair" type of holiday break, or a Harimau "two weeks is a good amount of time to dig the trenches and put down tape to mark your side of the beach" type of holiday break?

*singing* Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made it out of clay, and when it's dry and ready, my dreidel I will play *singing ends* Happy Hanukkah!!

It's been two weeks. I can't remember my family. I'm in the woods somewhere. All is lost.

Hey hey! Happy 2017! I feel like I haven't talked to you guys since last year! (chuckle)  hehehe. Okay so coming back into the game after a 2 week break is..... slow going tbh. We have two people that haven't even logged in since the last challenge. I've talked with my alliance of Jill, Melissa, and Kyle, and Lake a little, but Will, Otto, and Riley are MIA. I mean, this is only reward (which I know is a huge deal because of these crazy idols we are searching for) but at the same time, it's not like they are missing immunity. Hopefully everyone turns up for that. Anyway, there's not much more to comment on right now, but once things pick back up, I'll be back! Also, shout out to Jenn From, for just being awesome.

WHAT ISNT GOING ON?

Oh wait, literally everyone. So Dani approached me asking for an alliance a few days ago w me and ed and geo and I'm like, okay f4 but I DONT TRUST THE BITCH. Bye

So yeah I guess it's been a while since I've written one of these.

Let me start this confessional off with a quick cheat sheet of all the new names we gave our tribe right before the break so that you have a little idea of who I'm talking about through this entire message. I am Daniela, as you have already guessed. Ed = Eduardo Percy = Perez Payton = Perla Geo = Gregory Peter = Pedro Lucy = Lupe

As it stands, there are seven of us remaining, and I believe (? could be wrong because according to Perla, I was kicked out of the alliance) there is an alliance of four with Eduardo, Perla, Greg, and Lupe. Like I said, I was apart of that alliance, but now my position is kind of undetermined because Perla wanted to be mad at me over literally nothing and tell me that I'm no longer a part of the alliance.

Now I'm on the bottom. Wonderful. It's clear as day that I'm going to be the next one to go because Perla has made it evident that she does not under any circumstance want to vote off Pedro because she apparently thinks he's more reliable than Perez was at the time. When we voted out the last person (idr who it was), I suggested the idea of getting Pedro out at the very next tribal council, but she said it was a bad idea because she thinks she can use him a little bit longer, or something to that effect. Honestly it's been so long, I don't even know what to say anymore.

On top of all of this, I came to the conclusion that Perla was coming after ME instead of Perez. It makes complete sense though because I did attack her with false receipts saying she was coming for me anyways, so I get it and I'm just going to pray for the best that we avoid tribal council for at least another round. Not to mention, I came into the knowledge through Perla herself that she and Eduardo have a secret final two alliance... the same thing that Eduardo promised to me. That's shady as fuck right there, so now I have a whole other aspect of the game completely up in the air right now, because I thought he would be totally loyal to me after we exchanged our identities to one another.

Truthfully, I want to mutiny to the other tribe. I still have my idol, so over on that side I would be safe at one more tribal council if it comes to that. I've pissed off some of the Four tribe members already though so I don't know if they would be as welcoming as I hope.

Let's say that we lose immunity and we have to go back to tribal council again. If I have the idol and I am convinced I am going unanimously, I have one shot to take at either Perla or Eduardo. I know that they're the biggest threats going forward, but I don't know if Eduardo is as visible of a threat as Perla. However, she's got a ton of people wrapped around her little finger and that's super intimidating, too. Then there's Lupe, who is a complete wildcard as far as everyone else goes, so I'm intimidated by that, too. I could literally flip the game whichever way I want.

The best option I have is to convince Perez to vote either Perla or Eduardo, and I vote the other. At worst, the votes would tie and we revote and likely Perla ends up leaving the game; OR Eduardo actually as the Erudite idol like he was searching for. If he plays it, she goes home but if she also has that immunity... Rip Pedro or Perez, unfortunately. I think if I make Perla feel uncomfortable enough, she might panic and drama ensues. I'm going to go along with them and let them "control" the vote; if they easily all agree on getting rid of Pedro or Perez, then I make a move. I could slip information to Greg, see if he runs back to Perla about me possibly flipping the votes, or I could just say nothing and hope they all dig my grave for me and I have the only vote that counts. That's so tricky though and extremely risky, so I'm not sure that's the best plan for me going forward... I have options, I really do.

Whew, sorry this confessional is so long, but I'm not finished yet. Something that weighs on my mind a lot now is the pressure to suddenly keep identities a secret. I didn't really intend on playing the game the way that I have so far and I feel really terrible for running around, trying to figure out everyone in the game. I didn't apply with that intention and I honestly didn't think that I would center the beginning of my strategy around discovering identities. But that's how Perla wants to play the game, and that was a very big part of my strategy with aligning myself to Eduardo. Now he knows who I am, so now he's going to use that all against me. I didn't even realize that until just now... He's the only one who knows the truth, and he might plan out blindsiding me around that. He knows how smart I can be sometimes, so now I'm actually REALLY WORRIED. If anything, this definitely taught me my lesson, and I'm sorry for being a bad son and ruining the twist for this season :(

I have so much more to say but I'm sure the viewers are like... "stop talking", so I will. I hope tomorrow we win reward so I can get my hands on that Dauntless idol, too, and really shake things up for this game. I wanna prove to everyone why you don't mess with Daniela Quinn ;)

okay so i've gotten really lazy with this game, as could be seen by the confessionals that i have been doing. there's no more title to them anymore! i feel really bad and i want to give the hosts an apology.

its been really tough, these people havent been trying to talk to me or anything. its been like that from the beginning, i know communication is a twoway street but not a single soul is trying to talk to me. i bet whoever peter and percy are want to try and get me out if we go to tribal, i hope that the alliance im in sticks together because i have been doing good in none creative type of challenges, like the music mashup or the hot pursuit or the typing thing, i think theyve noticed

that could make them see me as a challenge threat down the line but i feel like its the only thing keeping me here, come a swap or merge i really want to pick things up for me because ive doing terribly, for some  reason theres just something holding me back, if i want to win i have to start playing and socializing more with people, but that comes swap or merge so if we lose immunity and i leave its my fault

sorry Jenn and Jenna!!

What did I just do?  I shared the first 5 dauntless clues with the tribe because I had no idea what it was asking me but after reading it again I felt like you had to ask publicly for the idol.

I go back and look at the tribe chat and Jill has done just that. At least if it worked or even if it didn't it puts a target on their back and not mine.

We will see

OK SO LIKE. WE LOST REWARD. W/E. BUT LUCY IS ON MY HIT LIST? BYE BITCH.

I am YELLING about these idols. First hearing that embodying the faction values is how you receive the idol, I assumed that the Dauntless idol would be something risky. Just straight up asking for it in the tribe chat got me that idol and I am SHOOK. It was so obvious from clue 2 and definitely clue 3. I can't tell if the other tribe that got the clues just didn't want to take the risk or if they really just couldn't figure it out(?)

I will say if Lake did not put that in the tribe chat idk if I would have done that if I got the Dauntless clues. Maybe Lake thought that was what you are supposed to do for the idol and they didn't get it quite right. Or maybe they were just baiting the tribe, I am not sure but I am thankful for it. I am DEFINITELY going to have a target on my back for having an idol but hopefully Eliza can get the intel if I am going to be blindsided so I may not be in too much trouble.

Speaking of Eliza, she is my home-girl. I can't WAIT to see who she really is at the end because it will be interesting to see who I have been really working with. Whenever there is a double tribal I always plan early and think about the vote before immunity even happens. I decided to definitely bring it up to Eliza because we were talking and she got into it as well. I am ALWAYS so nervous to do it because I get afraid that everyone will think I am going too hard and turn on me. BUT me and Eliza started hardcore strategizing. We both really like our alliance with Melissa and Kyle, and we want this vote to be the right person because it sets the course for how the rest of the game goes. We have gotten to the point where tribe strength isn't the biggest factor and strategy is most important. We just gotta riddle out who the best person to take out is. My vote is for Riley. They are always busy, but are also always around enough to let us know they are busy. It makes me think they will use that to skate by being inactive and not a huge presence when they are really just sleeping until merge to link up with old tribe mates. That is my theory. And people like Otto and Will who are actually pretty inactive would seem to be the obvious targets, as Lake had recently mentioned to me, and we can take them out whenever. Riley in my opinion could be the biggest risk to keep. But gotta see what other people think and who wins immunity before we solidify that plan

...and we're back!

It's taken me a few days to get back into the swing of things, but I'm tackling things in earnest right now. The downside to a two-week break in the game is that it really hinders a lot of fledgling relationships (which is pretty much all we have, as aliases.) The only one that I feel hasn't taken a single step back is Payton. We started talking and it was like we hadn't stopped at all.

Danielle and Peter have both reached out to say hi since the break, which is awesome. It seemed like nobody really went out of their way to be super social pre-break, so I'm hoping this marks a turning point in the game. I've also said hey to Lucy and plan on dropping messages to Percy and Geo later. With the advent of a double tribal coming up, that makes it so much more crucial to be in good with people.

I think getting in with Payton can only be a good thing. She seems especially social and has the kind of attitude that people gravitate toward. As long as she's valuing our alliance as strongly as I am, I don't think I have MUCH to fear on this upcoming vote.

What's next? Swap? Merge? More tribe-play? I'd like to get an idol but, if I'm being honest, I suspect the Erudite idol is long gone by now. I'm still frustratingly stuck on that one clue, but I think it's enough to leave me in the dust. Still, I've come this far down the road that I may as well see it through to the end. Better to know there's no idol hidden anymore and that it's in play than it is to change horses mid-stream and lose even the remote possibility of getting either one.

Frankly, I'll be glad to be off this tribe whenever it comes. I like the people well enough, but when you're getting results in the 7- and 8-minute range, that's pretty weak. I thought my score of 4:12 wasn't awesome, so double that is like... what??? how?

Anyway, I'm slightly encouraged that Will didn't submit. Though we shared a tribe in the early game, I still feel infinitely closer to Kyle. If Will goes through this double, maybe Kyle would try to reel me in as his former Amity buddy. And if that's the case... I don't know. I'd consider it. I don't feel any affinity toward anyone on this tribe except Danielle and Payton. And those two don't see eye to eye, so do I want to hitch a ride on a sinking ship?

OKay so, picking back up where we left off. We win reward which is great. Then there is a mad dash for the idol clues. I ask for Erudite again, but I should have waited until I talked with one of my Allies, so we could ask for passwords and hints if we needed it. Out of nowhere, Lake decides to post all the Dauntless idol clues in the tribe chat, and pretty much, you just need to publicly ask for the idol and then you get it. Jill stepped up and she got the clue and I'm yelling. She told me about it, and said she decided she wasn't going to tell Melissa. I dont know if she told Kyle, because me, Jill and Kyle are in an alliance that doesn't include Melissa... but Melissa knows about the alliance so... ehh its all messy. I'm in 3 different alliances with the same people, but different combinations, its crazy! ANYWAY. Jill comes to me and says that because of this stuff with the Dauntless idol, she thinks the Abnegation idol might work similar. I guess the clue for that one says that like, "I can't get the idol for myself, I have to be selfless." She said she went to her host chat and said, "I want Eliza to have the Abnegation idol." Which, first of all, Jenna is a genius and if that's how it works, then amazing. A+. I'll gladly take it. But it's been several hours since then and I haven't heard anything from the hosts. But to be honest, I'm not really worried about having an idol right now... because at the SAME TIME Jill is telling me all of this, Lake messages me and says he thinks the same thing about the Abnegation idol, and told the hosts to give it to me. I'm yelling, two people are wanting to give me idols. I know where on of the 5 idols are, and I still have my core alliance. I feel like I'm doing okay in this game. I feel like I'm liked well enough that, come a swap or a merge, people from Four will want to stick with me.

Jill and I were talking about what we want to do with a possible merge coming. We both agree that we want to stick with out core alliance of us, Melissa, and Kyle. I told her I really dont want to link back up with Payton (who I still really think is Jaiden). I don't trust her after she made Six lose all their points in that one immunity challenge. And Peter was so inactive on Candor, I don't see him being as useful to me. We got to talking about what to do should we go to tribal again, and Jill brings up a good point that Riley needs to leave. She's only here enough to barely help with the challenges, and Jill feels like Riley has the most potential to link back up with her old tribe mates. She's also strong in challenges, and if we get to a merge with her, she might be too hard to beat. It would be better for us to keep people who are inactive and we can vote them out later. Since this challenge is individual, we just gotta hope that Riley doesnt win immunity, and then we can talk to Melissa and Kyle about it. Guess we will wait and see what happens.

Okay, so I have a little bit of a master plan in mind. Obviously this really depends on whether I get immunity or not, because most of this plan was developed around the idea that I will win it. It's all going to depend on how lucky I get today, but here's the idea I've come up with.

I win immunity. I know that Eduardo and Perla are never going to vote out Pedro, simply because Perla has Pedro on lock. If Ed/Perla are as close a final two as I suspect, they'll share that opinion. The goal for now is to convince them that I'm solid with voting off Pedro so they never suspect anything is coming, but also so they get Pedro pissed off at me. Gregory needs to also be okay with the plan, but not be the one pushing for the vote to go that way, because he will be vulnerable in this stage of the vote's preparation.

Then, I go to Perla and Ed with receipts of Gregory trying to get rid of both of them. This raises their paranoia, but since these conversations happened last night and most of this afternoon, I can convince them that this was only his suggestion if Pedro/Perez won immunity.

I am going to inform Gregory of this "deception", while also cluing him into the Abnegation Idol, which then starts the second half of part two. Gregory will then go to Perla (because she's got the highest rate of tea-spilling thus far) and figure out that I was letting them know about his future plans, to which he apologizes to both of them and acts like he's going to get voted out. He'll run around and throw my name under the bus hardcore and cause as much drama behind the scenes as possible, while keeping me "in the dark" about all of the deception. Mostly, he runs to Perez, Pedro, and Lupe about all of this, because Ed and Perla would immediately report this back to me, and I would have to know I'm in some sense of danger. I do not want this.

Gregory will throw me under the bus to Pedro for trying to vote him out, he'll say that I wanted Perez next, and Lupe right after that. Meanwhile, Ed and Perla still hold a little bit of trust in me for leaking the information. They might consider keeping me around after all of this blows over, but for now, they're sold on getting rid of Gregory at this tribal council. I need to figure out how to get Perez mutually on my side as well as Ed/Perla's side, because I don't want them choosing to vote together and getting rid of Perez instead of Pedro while also keeping the alliance intact, because that would be a literally fatal error in the whole scenario.

Part three starts... right before tribal council. As in, maybe four hours before. I publicly announce that I'm giving individual immunity to Gregory because I felt bad about letting everyone know of his plans, and that I found out that it hurt him. We apologize to each other, but obviously he pretends to be "in shock" about the entire ordeal. However, he still guns to get rid of me. Perla and Ed, annoyed that I gave up immunity, then turn on me and are set on voting me out this round. Lupe, Perez, and Pedro also go along with this plan, and then... I play my idol on myself :) Part four.

Obviously, there are some factors that could cause this entire thing to not even work, especially if I don't win immunity. If Gregory wins immunity, I could still throw him under the bus and let him try to advocate for my elimination, and then still play the idol for myself. If neither of us win, I'll think of something at that moment and make sure everything goes according to plan.

I'm also trying to get the possibility of people flushing idols. If I root against Pedro, then there is a chance that when I play my idol, he plays his on himself. If this is the case, then Ed/Perla might play a possible idol on Perla, too. Again, this all changes how effective my move is, because if the randomly immune person is Ed (aka the target of all of this), we lose at every scenario we encounter. I guess in a revote with Pedro, Ed, Perla, me, Gregory all being immune, there could be an attempted flip against Lupe and she'll get eliminated instead.

I want to talk to Perez right before tribal and convince him to vote for Perla "with me", too. If all else fails and Ed becomes immune by some stroke of luck, she will have his sole vote to be eliminated, which also prevents anyone else from having their thrown vote counted.

There are so many damn variables to this tribal council, but I want to make it count. I wasn't born in Dauntless for a reason.

Later

SOOO I just won individual immunity. Never in a fucking million years would I have ever expected that and I actually jumped around on the bed when I saw results. At first I was thinking about the other Danielle that got voted out but then I was like...wait....you actually won something and I SCREAMED

How INTERESTING was it that Ed placed me up high on his list, too. I think I'm going to use that to my advantage though, try to milk the fact that Ed would never betray me, that Perla and I are so tight, etc etc and use it to guilt Gregory into believing that they are actually going to blindside me. Whether or not that is actually true is still up for determination, but the fact still matters THAT I WON SOMETHING.

We went from like, 14 to 13 and now Will's out of the game. Awesome news for me because that's one less hurdle to cross next round, and I think I need to start stirring the pot as much as I can in the next couple hours before everyone resorts to bedtime. Whether or not I was anyone's target is completely up in the air now, but I'm going to make sure everyone has a reason to vote me off when I give up that immunity.

Ed is still my target. He should be going home tomorrow, but of course crazier things have happened (arguably in different games but you get my point giujdsdijs).

My alias is going to go out the window tonight. This is Hurricane Jaiden's game to play.

So for the second time in my survivor career (and it's not many games) I have had immunity taken away from me.

For the second time I've seen the results, celebrated, logged off, logged back on and seen corrected results.

I know it probably won't make a difference but I was really happy to have won.  Now I have to stress and am no longer gonna try and make a move.

I made a formal alliance with Eliza and Kyle and I guess we will probably vote off Otto or Riley.

Bye for now. Thanks for noticing me.

SO MUCH FOR IMMUNITY.

But don't count me out, folks ;)

[7:31:07 PM] ♥daniiela♥: okay good news and bad news [7:31:17 PM] ♥daniiela♥: which one first [7:31:18 PM] Gregory Barajas: Neither i had payton after you [7:31:22 PM] Gregory Barajas: Bad [7:31:35 PM] ♥daniiela♥: tell the hosts lol [7:31:47 PM] ♥daniiela♥: okay so, bad news is neither of us have immunity obviously [7:31:52 PM] ♥daniiela♥: and i don't know if i can give you the idol now [7:31:55 PM] ♥daniiela♥: but good news [7:32:04 PM] ♥daniiela♥: I dont want to vote off geo right now. I don't think thats a good idea [7:32:11 PM] ♥daniiela♥: so perla clearly wants me out [7:32:20 PM] ♥daniiela♥: I'm playing the idol regardless [7:32:23 PM] ♥daniiela♥: but you can flip this all on me [7:32:35 PM] ♥daniiela♥: call ME out, screenshot our convos, everything. expose me to her later on [7:32:49 PM] ♥daniiela♥: and i'll play it on myself, still the same as before [7:33:27 PM] Gregory Barajas: Okay, so now i call you out and expose you so they vote for you [7:33:32 PM] ♥daniiela♥: not right now [7:33:34 PM] ♥daniiela♥: but soon [7:33:40 PM] Gregory Barajas: Ik, tomorrow [7:34:16 PM] ♥daniiela♥: ed and i were considering lucy? [7:34:18 PM] ♥daniiela♥: expose this l8r [7:34:31 PM] Gregory Barajas: Really thats weird [7:34:49 PM] ♥daniiela♥: [7:33:47 PM] ♥daniiela♥: ok [7:33:58 PM] Perla Rodriguez: it better not leave this :) or i will switch my vote to u u binch :) [7:34:07 PM | Removed 7:34:30 PM] Perla Rodriguez: This message has been removed. [7:34:28 PM] ♥daniiela♥: omg really? [7:34:54 PM] ♥daniiela♥: that's when she said she was considering lucy [7:35:05 PM] ♥daniiela♥: thats perfect ammunition [7:35:15 PM] ♥daniiela♥: we could even flip lucy to vote perla [7:35:23 PM] ♥daniiela♥: instead of perez or pedro [7:35:53 PM] Gregory Barajas: Omg thats fucking great information [7:36:01 PM] ♥daniiela♥: it is [7:36:05 PM] ♥daniiela♥: but no one can know about the idol [7:36:13 PM] Gregory Barajas: Ed or yours? [7:36:22 PM] ♥daniiela♥: either [7:36:37 PM] Gregory Barajas: Okayits a secret

A N Y W A Y S

Based on the challenge I'm assuming that a lot of attention is probably on myself and Riley to be potential targets...

I feel like this challenge can LOWKEY reveal who's working together and who's being targeted.

I'M ASSUMING Eliza is probably in one of the slightly more "powerful" positions on this tribe and therefore her list can be seen as "reliable" in terms of who's being targeted and who she's working with. Since she had Riley last, I feel like it's safe to assume that Riley could potentially be her target (UNLESS I'm her target and she only placed me a couple of slots higher to be less obvious). She also put Lake second to last, probably because she's working with him and in turn knows that she could rely on his list having me (a possible target) low/last on his list.

So, that all leads me to believe that at the very least Eliza and Lake are together, and I'm a very likely target.

ALSO, Lake is so... wild for posting on the Dauntless clues in the chat... just for Jill to get the idol like. ??? Chill perhaps? What was the point?

SO UMMMMMMMM I really do not know what to do! If people tell me to vote for Riley then I'll probably go along with that but like... I guess I'd need to talk things through with Jill or something because she's actually been trying to talk to me unlike... everyone else! If I could sort of pick and choose who I want to leave then? I'd target Lake but I definitely am not in any kind of position on this tribe to like... swing the vote in any sort of direction.

Whateverrrrrrrr

eyerolls into oblivion tag yourself im will's math abilities

I'm probably going home this round? I really don't think I trust Dani or Geo. But hey, Divergent, it's been lit! I feel like my game has been the best it's ever been, and if I go home, I'm happy with this. I mean I'll be pissed because someone flipped, but I'm happy with this.

Lucy? Voting me out? Iconic! Bye bitch. You're gonna go.

Fuck the lyin bitch lucy

[2017-01-05 12:18:16 PM] Peter Jacobson: [1/5/17, 11:16:47 AM] Peter Jacobson: This message has been removed. [1/5/17, 11:17:38 AM] Perla Rodriguez: Okay. I was worried about that. [1/5/17, 11:17:50 AM] Peter Jacobson: Sorry, I had to delete it [1/5/17, 11:17:55 AM] Perla Rodriguez: It's okay [1/5/17, 11:18:00 AM] Peter Jacobson: I don't want you to go, and I don't trust Lucy at all [2017-01-05 12:22:32 PM] Peter Jacobson: [1/5/17, 11:21:57 AM] Peter Jacobson: Have you been talking to Logan? [1/5/17, 11:22:19 AM] Ed Creegan: Logan?

I fucked up

I fixed it

If Lucy goes tonight, I did that.

Peter DID THAT! ™