#i have the talent to be an outsider and bump into conflicts everywhere I go simply because I don't want to adjust myself into a shape

[scarefox]

Also came out as queer to a fellow queer therapy group mate (there is another one but she wasn't in the house today).

Glad I have 2 other queer folks around me in this therapy. But the thing is they are both very political active and helping here and there voluntarily or live in a shared house project. Which I find amazing that they do. But I am just some dude sitting at home and watch queer dramas online, chatting with people etc. I mean I am a bit active online too. But idk German queer community always feels like you are expected to join the antifa and become vegan and only follow 1 accepted "beauty standard / aesthetic" the moment you come out. But that whole bubble is not for me. It's cool for those who want to do all that but I can't or don't want to. (I am left tho, don't get me wrong)

I just don't really like that feel that queerness is so politicised and automatically asigned certain expectations to you for not being hetero or cis, ya know?

I might want to go to the CSD if I wasn't so uncomfy in big crowds, especially in a potentially dangerous crowd (as in possible outside attack target) and afraid I land on some photo some people could see, who I don't want to know that about me.

Anyways this always makes me a bit insecure around other german queer folks for not fulfilling expectations. Sorry, I am just a boring weird nerd who's not cishete, trying to get through the day, also I have my fashion / style inspiration from kpop and certain japanese subcultures because I personally vibe with that androgynous and freaky aesthetic as a genderqueer person.

Maybe I am thinking way too much into it again.

[missjosie27]

Year 2 Part 9- The First Vault

Hello, everyone.

There is good news! I seem to have my mojo back, that spark every writer needs to adequately make their craft. So expect updates to come a lot more often.

This chapter is the vault chapter though it will not mark the end of Year 2. For the record, I intend to write all seven years but that is going to take a hell of a long time given JC's very slow updating schedule haha.

Anyway enjoy this chapter! As always comment what you think. I enjoy it immensely.

Year 2 Part 9. The First Vault

Ben’s hopes for an uneventful end of the semester turned out to be oddly prophetic. The number of ice attacks dropped so significantly that even the first years seemed to be more relaxed going into the latter part of May and into June. Tension ran much lower and even the most brooding Slytherin or skeptical Ravenclaw had to admit things were looking up. Though Dumbledore was still noticeably absent, Professor McGonagall filled in more than adequately as deputy headmistress.

All the while, David felt…conflicted. He was certainly happy that the ice attacks had stopped, and the danger seemingly gone. But that didn’t lead him any closer to finding out what happened to his brother nor the identity of ‘R’ and what they wanted in general. Would he trade for more clues about the cursed vault just to have more information on Jacob? No, he wasn’t that selfish, unlike those such as Merula who only thought about themselves. But it didn’t ease that same longing he’d felt since he was nine years old, nor satisfy his curiosity.

Ben, of course, was ecstatic and Rowan tried to see the bright side as usual, telling him that no curse meant more time to study for their upcoming exams (whoop de doo) and reduce their chances of getting in trouble with the teachers. Bill, however, was the only one who remained unconvinced that the danger had truly passed.

“A magical cursed vault doesn’t just stop cursing people,” he explained one day while at the training grounds. “From what I’ve researched, cursed objects are often unpredictable and not at all stable due to the sheer amount of dark magic they contain.”

“Are these vaults even dark, though?” Rowan pointed out, as he fired a stinging hex towards his target. “It could just be a natural defense mechanism of someone trying to interfere with it.”

“I don’t personally trust anything that has the capacity to seriously maim or kill someone,” David opined.

Bill send a burst of flame forth, incinerating a dummy to ashes.

“If it turns out that this was nothing more than a false alarm, I won’t complain,” he said. “But until we can actually confirm that, it’s best to remain on our toes.”

And remain on their toes they did, thanks to Bill. Three times a week, they were down by the ground training and when they weren’t Rowan was often in the library searching for more books on the ancient Aramaic language they found the previous year, or anything on the vault’s origin. Penny received several new potions books from her mother and was pouring through them for more ideas or possible brews they could use in the event of an attack.

For his part, David tried to juggle the rest of his schoolwork with the vaults. His mother in particular was expecting higher marks this year and constantly reminded him of that in her letters.

Do as I say, not as I do he lamented. It was typical of his mum to offer instruction but little sympathy in doing so. If only Dad actually had a backbone. Whatever, it’s not like they’re actually here seeing what I get up to

All of these things were to bound to come to a head sooner or later and when it did, it was in the most unexpected fashion imaginable.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The day of pandemonium coincidentally was on the last Quidditch match of the season, where Gryffindor was due to play Ravenclaw for the title. The air was abuzz with excitement, and though the Slytherins were more than a bit glum at being out the running, it was expected to be an even, prime time matchup. It was not an atmosphere concerned with the cursed vaults.

That included David and Bill, who in their eager anticipation of the match, rose early and sped down to breakfast both for the purpose of eating and wishing Charlie luck. Since his first match against Slytherin, his ascent into superstardom had been rapid. The game against Hufflepuff was as equally lopsided, with Gryffindor winning 400-100 in a span of about half an hour. But it wasn’t simply the score that had the Lions on the cusp of their first cup since the late seventies, it was a generational talent and that person was Charlie Weasley. His natural ability on a broom was so spectacular, many people openly talked of him playing for England someday. True to his nature, the second eldest Weasley merely shrugged such talk off, choosing instead to focus on the Quidditch Cup but the chatter was undeniable.

“Good luck, little bro,” Bill teased him moments before heading down into the locker room. “You know Fred and George are going to want a full play by play after you win.”

“Knock it off, Bill,” Charlie said, rolling his eyes but there was a small smile on his face all the same. “Just have the butterbeer ready when we come back.”

Giving each other fist bumps, Skye Parkin called over as she tossed the quaffle back and forth between herself and fellow chaser Ruth Barrett.

“Oi, Weasley! Orion’s called us to the pitch! Let’s go!”

“She has a way with words,” Bill observed mildly.

Charlie raised his hands as he got up from the table.

“Just who she is.”

“Knock em, dead, mate. We all know you’ll be brilliant,” David encouraged, giving one last slap on the back.

The red head thanked him and quickly exited the Great Hall to the applause of the Gryffindor table, while the Ravenclaws paid them no mind.

“Gotta say, definitely different than playing Slytherin from a pregame standpoint,” David observed.

“Ravenclaws don’t need to use shady or underhanded tactics to try and intimidate opponents,” Bill pointed out. “Their talent and tactics are usually enough. Besides, their team left for the locker room already.”

“Good point.”

Checking out his watch, David began to wonder where Rowan and Ben were. Both had assured him they’d be down just after himself. Even if his best friend wasn’t the earliest riser when it came to Quidditch matches, he was usually sufficient enough to dress and shower quickly.

“Where are those guys?” he muttered to himself. The Great Hall was beginning to empty out. Even the Professors were absent from the table. Something wasn’t right.

Bill tried to reassure him in his usual cool, collected manner.

“I’m sure they’ll be along s-”

He never was able to finish the sentence as screaming and panic began to erupt from outside of the hall. Whoever was left eating breakfast immediately ran to the scene of the commotion, including the two Gryffindors. What they saw was pure pandemonium: adolescents and teenagers from all houses were running back and forth and wasn’t hard to see why. Numerous spores of ice were blooming all around them, growing at a rapid pace threatening to engulf all in their path.

David and Bill, both glanced at each other, simultaneously gulping. Suddenly, wave of blonde slammed into them.

“Ack! Penny?!”

“Dave! Bill! Oh, I’m so glad I found you,” she said through a tight hug around David’s midsection (he blushed ever so slightly). “Is this the cursed vault?”

“Has to be,” the young Gryffindor replied. “What else could be making such gigantic icebergs?”

Just then, a large mass could be seen moving towards them through the crowd and given his height advantage it wasn’t difficult to spot who it was.

“Dave? Bill? All yehs thank goodness yer alrigh’.”

“Hagrid? What on earth is going on?”

The exceedingly large man’s warm, beetle eyes were saddled with watery worry.

“The cursed ice is spreadin through all o’ Hogwarts!” he replied, nervously tapping a pink umbrella by his side. “It’s getting ter be madness out there. Gryffindor Tower is completely blocked in, the dungeons got icicles stickin out everywhere. An’ apparently the Ravenclaw Quidditch team are trapped inside the changing rooms. The blasted ice is expandin so fas’ that the Professors can’t keep up with it and there’s only so much they can do. Especially with Professor Dumbledore off searchin fer that curse-breaker.”

Hagrid paused and mumbled to himself.

“Ah, shouldn’ta said that, should not have said that.”

“What curse breaker?” David asked curiously. But the groundskeeper waved off their concerns with one of his trash can lid hands.

“Never mind tha’ now. My job is to keep you lot safe until the ice is under control. Now head back into the Grea’ Hall while I go assist Professor McGonagall.”

As he sped off, or as fast as one of his girth could go, David looked back towards his two companions, blocking out the hysteria around him.

“We have to move fast,” he told Bill and Penny. “It sounds like the ice is back with a vengeance.”

“But shouldn’t the Professors handle it?” the blonde asked, fear evident in her crystal, blue eyes.

“It sounds like they have too much on their plate in order to properly deal with the cursed ice. And this time it might not be enough to save the day,” David pointed out.

“We’re forgetting one key thing,” Bill added. “The Professors don’t even know where the origin of this ice is. They may not be able to fix it.”

“But we do. And we can,” David declared. “Bill’s right. No one besides us knows where this vault is located. It’s time for a third and final visit.”

Bill looked over his shoulder to ensure no one was listening, simultaneous worry and conflict on his handsome features. However, he also appeared resolved.

“I didn’t want to go back in there without at least four or five us just so we could have each other’s backs, but it looks like there’s no choice. The three of us will go in, break that curse, and save Hogwarts.”

David nodded in complete agreement. As much as he wanted Rowan and Ben with them, his two roommates were effectively trapped within the common room. They were the last remaining hope.

“It’s settled then. Penny, are you in?”

Though her own misgivings could still be seen in her face and body posture, Penny didn’t hesitate in her answer.

“Absolutely. I told you David that the next time something like this happens to involve me. Well, you’re going to keep that promise whether you like it or not.”

She truly is the most loyal Hufflepuff I’ve ever seen

“You’re amazing, Penny. Alright let’s go!”

And without so much as a second thought, the three teens took off running towards the thirteenth corridor.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It didn’t take long to reach the corridor nor for David to reveal the hidden entrance. Being the third go around, he could pinpoint the spot precisely and the power of being an advanced Transfiguration student certainly didn’t hurt either.

When the eerie hallway and steps were exposed, Penny was taken aback.

“Whoa,” she uttered softly. “I’ve never seen a cursed vault before, but even this is a lot to take in at one time.”

“Stay close,” David nodded towards her. The last thing he needed was more casualties on this trip. Rowan and Bill had nearly frozen to death in each of the last instances. He would ensure nothing of the sort happened to Penny. However, her inexperience was showing already. The two Gryffindor teens already knew what to expect unlike the blonde Hufflepuff.

“Don’t worry,” he tried to reassure her. “It’s okay to be scared. We all are.”

“But it always helps to have a bit background. Especially for someone who’s never seen all of this macabre rubbish,” Bill joked.

Penny gave a frail smile, nevertheless she remained quite frightened of the ominous knights and ancient statues that surrounded them.

“What should I expect?” she asked bravely.

“If memory serves correctly, there will be a chamber with a massive door of ice in front of us, guarded by a giant shield shaped like a snowflake,” Bill explained to her.

“You’re taking the mickey, right?”

David resisted the urge to laugh despite the seriousness of the situation.

“It sounds pretty unbelievable but trust me, Penny. We’re not lying.”

As if to prove his point they came across the same giant wall of ice that stood against their path to the doors, twice as thick and formidable as before.

“Well…this is a problem,” David observed. “Will the knockback jinx be enough, Bill?”

“It’s our only hope, mate,” Bill told him, pulling out his wand. “If we hit it at the same time, it should be enough to create a big enough entry way for us to fit through.”

The two second years copied the older boy and prepared to fire.

“Give it all you got, Penny,” David told her, giving a look of encouragement. “Whatever ounce of power you think you have….summon every ounce of it.

I’m going to need it too

“On the count of three,” Bill announced and Penny’s normally cute, bubbly features took on an uncharacteristic degree of determination. “One….two….THREE!”

“Flipendo!”

Beams of blue light struck the ice with a tremendous force but to their dismay, only a slight dent was made, indicating the defenses were much stronger than originally thought of.

“Try it again. One…two…THREE!”

“Flipendo!”

This time a small hole was made through the ice, but it was barely big enough for a man to go ice fishing.

“One more,” Bill breathed heavily. “We can do this. On my count…one…two…THREE!”

This time, their efforted yielded paydirt as the combined power of their spells blasted the ice apart, leaving a man sized opening just big enough for them duck through.

“When you get inside, spread out and be ready when the door starts blasting its freezing charms,” the eldest Weasley informed them. “Penny, you remember the fire spell, yeah?”

“Incendio, right?”

“That’s the one. As soon as you get close enough to it, blast it with all your power.”

David nodded in affirmation. There was no time to think or get fancy, the only objective was to get past that door and ensure that this curse was broken once and for all. As for what came after….they could deal with that later.

Sure, enough as they entered the icy chamber and drew close, the snowflake shield began firing off freezing curses, causing the three teens to roll off to one side in order to avoid them.

“I see what you mean!” Penny yelled, drawing her wand. “Also, really wish I’d worn something other than a skirt had I known we’d literally be going into a cursed vault!”

David fired a knockback jinx to buy them some time, but their offensive nearly stalled as a freezing spell nearly hit Bill, causing him to slip forward on the slick, unstable surface.

“That was too close,” he muttered. “Alright, after the next curse it shoots off, fire away with everything you got.”

David drew his own wand and aimed carefully, shrinking low on the steps, concentrating all of his magic into the biggest inferno ball he could imagine in his head. By the hardened look on Penny’s face, she was evidently doing the same. As soon as the next freezing spell (aimed for Bill again) passed, he and the Hufflepuff were on their feet charging the door.

“INCENDIO!!” they roared simultaneously.

With their combined strength, huge plumes of fire issued forth and made contact with the shield attached the door. Through the heat and acrid smoke, David could see that the icy fortification was melting into a pool of water onto the floor. By the time the fire barrage ended, it was completely gone.

“YES!” he exclaimed. “We finally got rid of that bloody thing.”

The group barely had time to celebrate however as ominous rumbling could be heard from inside of the door, the ground quaking as though a giant were approaching.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Penny stated, anxiety back on her face.

“I just realized, David,” Bill said turning to him. “All this time we thought this door was keeping us out of the vault…but what if it was keeping something IN?”

It was a consideration they had no time to discuss more for at that moment, as the massive doors opened to reveal a terrifying sight: an Ice Knight, made of iron but covered completely in chunks of snow and frost, about ten feet tall carrying a massive sword. It did not look pleased at their intrusion.

“Merlin’s Beard,” Bill breathed. “Everyone, take cover!!”

But he was too late. The knight struck out with his sword creating an icy wind so fierce, so deathly cold that one could not stand against it without plunging into a winter induced coma. In a quick succession, Bill’s body was quickly entrapped in ice as was Penny’s. Fortunately for David, he had managed to jump out of the way in time, all except his foot, which he managed to free.

“Blasted thing…” he muttered, ripping his foot away and breaking the containment. He ignored the rising chill in his bones as he saw his two friends stuck in blocks of ice so thick, it was a wonder they could move at all. Both of their faces were already turning blue.

“L-look out!” Bill warned threw chattered teeth as the knight swung his blade once more.

Again, David had to dive out of the away to avoid getting caught in the same prison. Wheeling around, he aimed his wand and issued out another fire blast. It caught the knight square in the chest, causing it to reel back but otherwise had no effect.

“Uh oh.”

For the third time, he avoided a blizzard blast but only just barely. There was no telling how long he could keep this up. Not to mention the health and safety of his friends were increasingly in jeopardy. He wasn’t going to win by simply dodging the strikes.

“D-D-Dave,” Penny managed to utter out. “C-c-come here. Reach into m-m-my j-j-jumper pocket.”

He did not argue, running over to her and doing as instructed. Within seconds, a bottle of green potion was in his hand.

“It’s f-f-fire breathing p-p-potion. I know i-i-it’s risky b-b-but it might be our only h-h-hope.”

“S-s-she’s right!” Bill called out in agreement. “You h-h-have to use it n-n-now!”

In a split second David managed to consider the options: fire breathing potion could damage someone’s esophagus and stomach beyond repair if too much was ingested at one time. And would it be enough to actually take down their adversary? Unless…

Wait a second, I have an idea

Ducking another blast from the Ice Knight, David wasted no more time. He quickly chugged the potion, feeling its warmth rush down his throat and into the pit of his gut (it was rather like ingesting tasteless, extremely hot water). Putting his wand directly in front of his mouth, he ran up to the Knight, and knelt down on one knee.

Summoning a deep breath, David aimed straight for its midsection with only a second to spare.

“INCENDIOOOOO!!!!”

The fire breathing potion combined with the spell of his wand issued a concentrated beam of fire so powerful that it cut through the giant’s armor like a hot knife through butter, leaving a gaping hole in the middle of its body. As soon as the damage was recognized the silent knight looked down, fell to its knees before bursting into a cloud of snow and dust.

Panting heavily, David barely even registered his victory, rushing over to help Bill and Penny. Using the last of his fire breathing reserved, he managed to carefully blow a ring of fire around the ice, cracking it to the point where both could effectively free themselves.

“D-Dave, do you know what you j-just did?” Penny asked him, her pretty features in full awe.

“Careful, Penny. You’re still shivering pretty badly.”

“F-forget me, that was the m-most amazing thing I’ve ever s-seen!”

“She’s right you know,” Bill concurred. His body still quaked as well but his larger size and body mass ensured he did not feel the effects quite as badly. “Dave, I’ve never seen a second year do that before. You just took down something ancient, something way beyond what most wizards have ever seen.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the compliments, but David had seen this story before. Rowan and Bill each required sufficient time to recover from the door blasts and the knight’s power was far stronger than that. They needed to get to the hospital wing.

“Guys, let’s go see Madam Pomfrey before you freeze to death, come on-”

“Not before you enter that vault,” Bill cut him off.

“Forget the vault,” David insisted, supporting Penny with his own body weight. “We need to leave this place.”

“Leave after everything we did to open the bloody door?” Bill barked out with a laughter. “Not likely. David we’ll be fine. This is what you wanted: the first step in finding the answers about your brother. Go, I can take care of Penny.”

Before he could protest, the blonde placed a soft, feminine hand over his mouth.

“Hush,” she said with a smile. “B-Bill’s right, we’re b-both okay.”

Swallowing, but also nodding his head, David acquiesced to their insistence. He didn’t like the idea of leaving them behind whilst they were still in considerable trouble, but curiosity and desire overrode his fear. Any immediate threat was gone now. It was time to see just what was behind those frozen doors.

“Together,” he said to them. “All three of us.”

His friends smiled at him.

“If you insist, David.”

And just as he insisted, the three friends stepped inside the doors into the unknown.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In contrast to the snowy, ice cream covered walls of the chamber outside, the inside of the vault was quite similar to the hallway in its décor and decoration. It was also considerably warmer. Inside was a dark, copper green colored room lined with four different knight statues, all resembling the one they had just fought. In the center was a lit column, situated upon a stone pillar, lit by a soft, yellowish glow the emanated from the inside. Upon the column, was an ancient language, the same that Rowan translated a year earlier.

“Unbelievable,” Penny breathed out.

“There is definitely something to this column here,” Bill said, rubbing his chin.

“Perhaps it has something inside?” David suggested to which eldest Weasley shrugged.

“Only one way to find out, mate. You can do the honors.”

The second year Gryffindor didn’t hesitate. Foolish as it may seem to touch a mysterious magical object of unknown origin and power, the nagging desire was too much to resist for him. He didn’t know what to expect really, if anything at all. However, a curious thing occurred upon his finger resting on the column. It began to shift and unfold as though it were a flower in bloom. What lay inside was odder still. They seemed to be hovering in midair in a yellowish mist.

“A broken wand and a book? Not exactly the treasure I was hoping for,” Bill observed.

“Who knows? Maybe their clues,” David countered. And before he could stop himself he reached inside and attempted to take the two objects. Upon doing so, a familiar voice began echoing loudly inside his head.

Find the other four vaults, David….Find my room…

Could it be…Jacob?

“Find your room?” he asked the voice aloud. “I don’t understand.”

You can’t let ‘her’ get there first! Hurry!

“Who’s her?” he asked again. “What do you mean?”

Just then he was pulled back from the center of the column by Bill.

“Dave! Snap out of it!”

“Wha?”

Bill looked at Penny and back to him, his expression confused and concerned.

“You were in some kind of trance. You kept talking to someone lime if they were in the room with us.”

“I…heard a voice,” David admitted, not knowing what else to say.

“Who?”

“My brother….told me to keep finding the other vaults. You must think I’m mad, don’t you?”

They must think I’m off my rocker. I don’t blame them either

To his surprise, neither Penny nor Bill seemed to regard him as a madman waiting to go to the looney bin.

“For what it’s worth, I believe you, Dave,” Penny spoke up.

“So do I. I could believe anything after what we just went through,” Bill agreed.

“Did he say anything specific?”

David regained his senses and analyzed the situation for a moment. How was it possible that he had just heard his brother? Even in the wizarding world, witnessing voices that weren’t there was not a good sign and yet he couldn’t shake the feeling what he heard was not the work of insanity.

“He told me to locate his room and that there are four more vaults, specifically. And to find them before ‘her’. Whoever that is.”

“Her?” Penny repeated. “This just keeps on getting weirder.”

“I concur,” Bill said. “But what about the wand and book?”

David inched closer once more and took both of the objects without further visitation from the voice. Upon inspection, he recognized the wand’s true owner.

“This is Jacob’s wand. The one he had while at Hogwarts. I’d know it anywhere.”

Bill took the leather bound journal from him and began flipping the pages, his eyebrows furrowed in befuddlement.

“This book, whoever it belonged to, is nothing but scribbles and random drawings. It appears the author was quite mad.”

“Could it be a clue to the location of the next vault?” Penny asked.

David didn’t know what to think. Far from answering questions, their journey and entry to the vault seemed to invite more questions, thickening this mystery even further. The quest to find his brother now took on a whole new meaning.

“I have no idea,” Bill said quietly after a moment of pondering. “But what I do know is that we need to get out of here before we get caught.”

Snapping back to his senses, the second year almost forgot how long they had been in here. It was long past overdue for their departure.

“Bill’s right. We don’t want to find any of the teachers waiting for us by the time we get back. It’s time to go.”

“Do you think that we stopped the cursed ice for good?” Penny wondered aloud. “I hope no one got hurt.”

It was a sentiment they all shared but one they had no way of knowing until they returned back to the halls of Hogwarts. With enough adventure completed for one day, the trio made their way out of the vault and into the thirteenth corridor.

[ohwaitimthewriter]

Home again

Pairing : Poe Dameron x reader

Warning : Homesickness, fluff (kind of?), emotional

Words : 1.9k

A/N : Hi there! I’m a French fanfic writer and it is actually the first I try to write in English. So here we are, I’m sorry if there are grammar mistakes, feel free to report them to me, it will help me to improve my English! If I get comfortable with writing in English, I’ll probably start to take request, we’ll see on time :) Hope you’ll enjoy this imagine! 

Masterlist.

One year had passed since you arrived in the Resistance and one year since your planet, Earth, was destroyed by the Starkiller. You still remembered perfectly the day of the evacuation, sirens were ringing out until it makes you grind your teeth. Somehow you managed to go on board of a ship just before the ramp went closed. And you saw it, this red beam coming straight to Earth. The ship hurried up on light speed as the planet blew into pieces and you found yourself heart broken. Your home was gone. And that feeling of no longer belonging to a place remained firmly rooted in you all this time.

Of course you re-established yourself on the military base on D’Qar. You met new faces, new friends who you cherished close to your heart. But nothing could replace your home. So you ended up looking for it everywhere, causing you serious insecurities.

 You became a mechanic, rather talented for someone who never held a tool in hand of her life. You found refuge in learning because it was the only thing that felt concrete to you. You had seen ships and droids pass by and without realising it, you had made your name heard in the Resistance.

 One day, you were reparing a wingtip laser of an X-wing when your friend, Rose Tico, jogged toward you. You had, as usual, your earphones on and you were listening to music from your home. The singers’ voices that had followed you all along your childhood made you feel kind of safe. You were so into your work that it was only when Rose knocked on the X-wing with her fist that you noticed her, turning your eyes to her. You took off your earphones and gave her a smile.

 « Sorry Rose, what’s the matter? » you ask.

« The matter ? Well the matter is it is time for diner and I’ll not let you skip one more meal! »

« Snap will be super happy to learn you hit his X-wing » You answered, ignoring her statement.

« You have to join us to tell him. And for your information… Poe will be there. » She adds, giving you a knowing look.

 You chuckled and ended up by nodding in agreement. For an unknown reason, you always felt close to Poe Dameron. The best pilot of the Resistance. You recalled perfectly the first time you both met. You had just ended your training to become a mechanic and they assigned the Black leader’s X-wing to your care as a first task on your own. As soon as you tried to lay a hand on a fuse, Poe suddenly appeared out of nowhere, watching your every move closely afraid you could do something wrong. You reminded how you felt uncomfortable while he commented on every actions you took and reminded you how he cared about his X-wing. Because of the pressure he gave you, you ended up by turning against him, threatening him with a shabby wrench to tighten his family jewels if he didn’t shut his mouth. He had given you the odd look before a smile stretched over his face amused by your little tantrum. He couldn't help but think that your threat was more adorable than dangerous and you couldn't help but fall for his smile. You had shared a laugh at that time and since then, watching over you had become more of a game than a real worry.

 « I finish to connect this line and I come. »

Rose nodded and patiently waited for you to end your work. Once done, you followed Rose until the mess hall where Snap, Finn, Jessika and Rey were sitting at a table with their meal in front of them. In a general way, you never ate with them, although you considered them as your friends, you were more like a lone bird who liked to listen to your home music and to remember the memories of your past life. But once in a while, mostly when one of them caught you at the end of your day or when you made your way out of your bunk, you shared a moment with them.

 « Look who I manage to get the head out of her tools! » Rose exclaims proudly.

 The heads turned to you with big smiles and you answered them with a little wave of your hand to greet them shyly.

 « I’m going to take my meal. » You say before turning away.

 You started serving yourself with vegetables when a brown head with curly hair showed up next to you.

 « So, how is my X-wing? » Poe asks with a slight teasing voice.

« Hm ? It’s good despite it almost got hit by Rose. »

« What do you mean by ‘almost’? »

 You laughed and carried your plate away to go sit with your friends. Poe followed you and sat next to you. It was not even a question, when Poe and you were together in the same room, he had to be right next to you. Something had grown deep inside both of you and although you couldn’t put a word on what it was, you gladly accepted it.

 « If I understand everything well, you hit an X-wing Rose? » Poe was worried.

« I had to bring y/n back on earth. » Rose explained.

 A small smile spread on your lips. Yes, I would like to go back on Earth. You thought before biting in your vegetables. You could sense Poe becoming agitated next to you and you ended up by speaking the truth.

 « It was Snap’s one. »

« What?! » Snap cried on the other side of the table.

 A sigh of relief escaped from Poe’s lips and everyone started to laugh. It was nice. The discussion got lively and suddenly you felt Poe's knee bumping accidentally against yours.Because of his touch, a thrill travelled through your body, coming to lodge a certain warmth in the hollow of your heart. Poe apologized quietly and your eyes finally focused on your plate. As long as you knew Poe, you never shared physical contact, it was probably hard to believe, but it was true. There was some kind of fear. A certain embarrassment crept in and found its place in you. It wasn't much, but it was the first time you touched each other. You didn't take the time to finish your meal and apologize before you got up to go out under Poe's eyes.

 To escape this discomfort, you took refuge as usual in your music and the repair of a droid. His touch had suddenly awakened your homesickness. You cursed yourself for that, by the way. Repeating over and over again that it was nothing, absolutely nothing, and you didn't understand why your desire to return to Earth had reappeared, but something deep down inside you was screaming desperately that you were actually feeling at home near Poe. But you refused to admit it, clinging to the past. A wave of loneliness submerged you and a tear flowed down your cheek. You wanted to go home. You were getting more and more pissed off about a fuse that didn't want to reconnect to the little droid's server. Poe's smile came back to your mind and mingled with your memories of your old house, your old friends. And a second tear flowed. You felt torn in half. Your hands began to shake because of your stubbornness and what was supposed to happen happened, the fuse broke. You suddenly dropped everything.

 « Go to hell! » Your voice broke at the end of your sentence.

 You stood up, took off your earphones and let them fall on the ground. You stormed out of the room across Poe who came looking for you.

 « Y/n? »

 He tried to stop you but you hurried up, searching desperatly to full your lung with fresh air. Poe followed you closely and your heart tighten.

 « Leave me alone! » You ask without even looking at him.

« Not before you tell me what’s wrong! »

 He was worried, you could tell by the sound of his voice. Why was he concerned? Why did he always manage to make you feel good beside him? You wanted to go back home as much as you wished you could feel home on this planet. This conflict started to turn your mind upside down and Poe did not make it easy as well. You bursted outside and the air dived into your lung. You slow down and Poe took advantage of it and catch your arm to turn you to face him. You wanted to escape from his grip but his hand held you tight and his warmth spread under his touch. Your vision was blurred by tears and you tried again to escape from him, in vain.

 « Let go of me! »

« No I won’t. »

« Get-off-of-me! » you insisted, your voice shaking.

« No, I won’t do this! So you have to talk now! »

 His gaze was intense, he looked at you straight in the eyes and you could read how much he cared, how much he wanted to help you but you were afraid and then a sob escaped your mouth.

 « I want to go home, Poe. » You cried.

 Poe’s brows furrowed. His grip soften under your elbow but remained strong enough so you couldn’t go away. He made a first step toward you but you stepped back, then he wanted to cup your face in order to wipe the tears away but you turned your head to escape his touch, wiping the tears by yourself. He was confused because of your refusal but accepted it anyway and started to draw some small circles with his thumb on your arm he had a grab on.

 « What are you saying? You are at home. » He says in a soft voice. « Why are you saying your not? »

 You shook your head quickly, you felt your heart broke in two.

 « Earth, this is my home, don’t you get it? I had my house, my friends, my famlily there… and they are gone. I can’t… I just can’t… »

« What? You can’t what? »

 This time he was able to approach you.

 « I can’t forget them, I refuse to move on, I’m… » And it was by feeling Poe's presence, his warmth mixing with yours that you really realized what it was all about. « I am afraid to move on. You, Rose and the others, you made me feel something I refused to for a long time and, and it frightens me. »

 Poe cupped your cheeks gently and it was a relief. You sighed, closing your eyes.

 « We must never forget where we come from, that's what makes us who we are. But don't be afraid for wanting to build something else, it's normal to want that. I know you miss your home, but if you want to, you have one right here. It can never replace the first one, but it can fill that gap. »

 He then straightened your face toward his, forcing you to look into his eyes.

 « You’re already a part of us… of me. So don't be afraid, because we... because I won't let you down. » He rectified himself.

 And he pulled you against him, holding you tightly in his arms as if you were the most precious thing in the galaxy. And for the first time since your arrival, you felt at home again.

[avoutput]

Forced Perspective || The Last Jedi

The Last Jedi had a profound effect on me by the time the curtain closed. Rian Johnson had forced me to reach deep inside and ask a question I had never really thought about when it came to Star Wars. And once that first question had passed through my mind, it turned out to be merely a cork holding back more. Star Wars has always been something I have taken for granted. I was born shortly after Return of the Jedi, and since then I have always known it to be a safe space for all who dare to learn of science fiction. It’s shallow waters, the wading pool, calm, warm, and relaxing. Anyone can enjoy it and did. You can safely discuss it at a mixed party because even if no one has seen it, they are aware of it. Almost like using the force, as it connects and binds us together, you can find a friend just by mentioning its name. But now, out of the shallow waters, I come ashore, bothered by the question that weighs heavy on my mind. I sit on my own Nerd Island, alone but for the internet that connects us all, and I am forced to ponder still, “Do I like Star Wars?”

I am older now, but I grew up with the Skywalkers. It was the kind of series that was almost like a baby blanket; you carry it around with you everywhere, pacifying your insecurities and passing the endless afternoons lost in its embrace. In my tweens, episodes 1 through 3 had arrived, but I was still a bit too young to tear them down or pull them apart or really do anything but watch. I knew it felt off, but so too did the Special Editions. At the time, I thought maybe I just didn’t like change or that I was jaded. When The Force Awakens landed, I was impressed. Mostly because I had come to terms with the prequels in some way and Episode VII returned Star Wars to its roots with a modern visual twist. Now, The Last Jedi, has come to basically tell fans everything they wanted to hear. “You were right. Practical effects don’t need to replaced. All your favorite characters are the legends you have always built them up to be. You deserve to be rewarded for your faith. Star Wars is everything YOU want it to be.” We can look at this film as the Star Wars cannon that exploits everything about its universe for the good of the viewer. But that line of thought all derives from the fan in me. The fan I am now questioning. Because now, this fan is not only an adult, but an amateur film critic.

I had trouble digesting this film. The Last Jedi pushes Star Wars in directions I don’t think anyone thought the cinematic cannon would allow. It is a daring film in its own universe, far more so then its mirror film The Empire Strikes Back. But the more I thought about it, the more I recognized how many choices were made for the sake progressing the story. To be clear, without giving anything away, there are many unexplained transitions. People returning to or ending up in places inexplicably. Though at points glaringly obvious, they deftly move past this, showing us cannon defining consequences for the characters, possibly as a way to divert your attention from their laziness. You can’t help feel that it's all too convenient. The narrative is tenuously held together. Were the audience given much of a chance, they might start asking questions, and the more questions you ask, the more you realize you have been rationalizing the plot for the writers. “How did Rey get there? Oh, she must have…” This seemed to me to have been the bane of science fiction/fantasy stories, especially those that are advanced completely by the characters like Star Wars. Unlike most films in this category, the characters are the focus point and the world revolves around them. Unexplained transition is by far the largest flaw in the film. The original trilogy by comparison had a solid narrative, possibly due to the technology at the time or the sentiments of film and storytelling. A New Hope explained each coincidence or choice along the way, and not always verbally, but visually as well.

Recognizing The Last Jedi’s narrative issues, it was still able to do something films aren’t always able to do. It connects with you emotionally. I had goosebumps, my palms were sweaty, I felt sad, happy, and excited. At this point, I realize I am having trouble viewing this as an outsider. Star Wars is too close to me. Objectively, I would argue that the value of an emotional connection in a story is higher than any flaw found with its execution. It also has the added benefit of being a serialized story, building with each entry. But, if you are able to connect with your audience, through visuals, music, acting, and direction, than you have effectively made a “good” film, even if much of the emotional connection relies on previous entries. Still, this can be a hard torch to pass, it isn’t without its difficulty. Visually, you couldn’t ask for a more satisfying Star Wars. It is ripe with an amazing color palette, physical props, some of the best CGI in the game, and more than enough background fun for fans. The music is a bit more bombastic than in previous outings and at times feels a bit out of place, but it still ranks as some of the most iconic in cinema. The softer songs are so inspired, I can see myself listening to them often in the future. And finally, Mark Hamill gets to be the man we always wanted him to be. Cool. Mark Hamill is finally cool. A brooding old Jedi Master, Hamill brings to life a version of Luke that Hayden Christensen should have been able to manifest in Anakin. It has become my favorite performance by Hamill to date. Oscar worthy? Not by Earth standards, but Star Wars fans might never find better. The late Carrie Fisher was much more comfortable playing Leia than her stilted performance in The Force Awakens. She was commanding, nurturing, funny, and natural. The rest of the cast, Adam Driver (Kylo Ren), Daisy Ridley (Rey), John Boyega (Finn), Oscar Isaac (Poe), and Domhnall Gleeson (Gen. Hux) all play up their characters for bigger laughs and deeper emotional connections this time. Newcomer Kelly Marie Tran (Rose) instantly fell into the ranks without any trouble at all.

This brings me back to director Rian Johnson. I own all of his major releases, Brick (2005), The Brothers Bloom (2008), and Looper (2012). (I only realized this having just looked at his IMDB page.) He has a special eye for detail, the kind of quality that breathes life into anything he points a camera at. The backdrops and surroundings are just as important as the people standing in them, and he has his own spin on this, using clean lines and hyper detail. He also seemed to have a hard on for Anime, like Cowboy Bebop or Macross. All of his talents are at their peak in The Last Jedi. However, there are moments of in this film that seem a bit compromised. Mostly, it’s the forced, unnatural comedy. The film opens a bit like Thor, with a dull, moronic, misplaced joke that might satiate the masses, but it felt so out of place for Star Wars. It’s not that it disturbed the natural order of a sci-fi/fantasy, but it definitely reminds you that you are in a theater, on planet earth, in the year 2017, which is something I am trying to escape from. And these jokes are found throughout the film, quite possibly meant to balance correct the mood of a “Disney” film, but they could have found more natural ways to go about it. In The Force Awakens, the comedy comes from a natural shtick, bumping into things, miscommunication, and dramatic character interactions. Still, Johnson always drew me back in with his love of the characters at the heart of the Skywalker saga. He took care to make sure that every moment on screen advances who they are and conflicts with who they want to be. He drew out an originality in Star Wars I haven’t seen since The Empire Strikes Back.

Having spent the better part of the day thinking about my initial question, I have come to a conclusion. Star Wars means more to me symbolically than any flaw you can find in it as a film. And while my ability to look at the film objectively has caused me to philosophically question my devotion to both film and Star Wars, I have come out the other side able to recognize that some projects, over time, become a part of you. They transcend your ability to be critical of their flaws, because like family, they can be forgiven. I forgave the prequels of all their misgivings because they still gave me more than they took away. I still had hope for them. I still had hope for Star Wars. That being said, The Last Jedi may have problems gluing together its parts, but the parts it is trying to stick together are still powerful and impressive cinema, whether that be the actors, script, set, effects, music, or story. It still sits on the pillars of everything Star Wars was built upon and stands for. It still brings people together both on screen and in the theater. So, do I like Star Wars? Yes. Do I like The Last Jedi? Absolutely. Is it a good film? It depends on who you ask, it has its problems, but from where I’m sitting, it seems the force is strong with this one.

May the force be with you, always.

~* 8/10 *~

(Secret Star Wars Score: 9/10)

[misterbitches]

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.