#i have so much neevous energy

[pupmurdock]

heheheheeh

[hellaspicaay-blog]

@ my crush(er) A.H

I’ve been hurting, crying, and drowing in my thoughts. I reminisced on the great times we had during summer school p.e. Everything was a learning experience. I learned so much from being around you and having you in my life. You made me want to better myself. I remember after realizing that I was digging you I knew I wanted to change my lifestyle. I wanted to eat healthier for you. I would try to enhance my features for you. I’d elevate my physique and all for you. Although you were so nice to me and would compliment me, I realized that behind your actions towards me was just a friendly motivated one. I read too deep into it. I interpreted everything so that’s it’d match how I felt about you. I projected my feelings onto you so that the whole thing would fall on hope to keep it going. I remember when I was with Taylor and Jenn at the quad talking about something during fall of 2015 and you came into the circle to talk to me. You told them that you needed to talk to me and I felt so special because you grabbed me by the arm and lead me out the circle just so that it’d be the both of us having a conversation. I remember that shy awkward smile you were giving me while asking me if I was gonna do cross country and I said yeah. I remember the excitement on your face. The tone of your body movements. You made me feel like a somebody. You made me feel capable. I’d always have you on my mind. Not sexually though. Your character and the way you just were was enough for me. Your beautiful mind and generous heart enchanted me. You believed in me. You hyped me up. You would always say hi to me whenever I’d pretend I didn’t see you during passing period. Was this always how you treated your guy friends? I felt honored to have you in my life. I remember taking a make-up test for Ms. D and I turned it into her. As i turned in my paper to her, you came in the door and greeted her. Then you told her how she should give me an A. After that you were complimenting me from my glasses, to my shirt, to my whole outfit and said how cool I looked. I was so awkward and was like “noooo” but with an awkward smile. I don’t know. Maybe I read too deep into your actions. Maybe I just have never met a guy that’d be so nice to me like you have to me. It was refreshing to see a guy interact with me so deeply like that. I will be honest, I joined cross country because I wanted to get fit and try something totally new but also because you told me to do it. You were the one that made me think “yeah I think I wanna do this” because I still wanted to be around that energy. I remember before the first cross country practice we passed by each other and I asked if you were going to practice and you were like “aww nahh man. Not today. But I’ll be going to the next one.“ I was kinda disappointed but I understood your decision. A few practices came and you still never showed up. I was filled with disappointment. Then finally you showed up to one practice and you acted like a stranger to me (or maybe you. Were just neevous around me and tried to conceal your feelings for me lmao 😭😭 I thought ahhaha). There I was hurt. It was weird cuz you’d treat me like I was a somebody sometimes then you’d treat me like you didn’t know me other times. As conflicted and frustrated I was trying to make sense of our whole relationship. Trying to understand you and my place in your life. I’d convince myself that it was no big deal. You were a straight guy just bein hella nice to me. Then track season came and I was excited to do hurdles. This time I did it for me (but kinda for you too cuz I didn’t wanna lose hope on a future with you in it 😭😭). But anyways on one bus ride to the practice you saw me sitting alone. But you just ignored me, no “hi” no “heyy man” nothing. I was questioning my worth to you. Then the next practice you were cheering me on on hurdles then we were talking about something and you started awkwardly laughing with that cute ass smile. Omg. Now you got me even more confused. But fast forward to senior year, I knew it was a new beginning. I was looking to forget bout you and build a new foundation within myself. I’ve “accepted” that you were not gonna be my bf. I’ve gotten through months not checking your Instagram on a daily basis. I thought I was healed. Then spring of 2017 came and it was college decision time. I got accepted into your school and some others. I was conflicted on whether i should choose sj or ucm. If I chose sj, I knew my feelings for you would rekindle and I’d look for hope again for the both of us. But while making my decision, it brought back all of those suppressed feelings. I tried to hide them again. I remember I unfollowed you prior to this dm on instagram. I dm’d you on how sj was and why you chose sj. Of course, you replied and gave me some good insight. Nothing more and nothing less. I was conflicted and frustrated again so I asked you some more questions yet I got the same tone in response. You had a girlfriend already at this point. Anyways, I had to think of my future too, so I chose ucm cuz I knew I’d be away from you. This was unhealthy for me to be so stuck on you and attached to your energy.

A couple months later, it was July 04, 2017. My brother’s girlfriend gave me the idea to throw a going away party. I was diggin the idea. Long story short. I was contemplating on inviting you or not but i ended up inviting you and you said “aww thank you so much man, I’ll definitely be there” or something along those lines. I was excited yet had doubts that you wouldn’t come. Fast-forward to my party day. After taking pictures with some people my bro opens the door and it’s you. YOU. My mind and heart could not process it. You, A.H. Came to my party (omfg 😭😭). So I give you that bro handshake and I tell you that they’re all in the backyard. I end up not walking you there cuz I’m nervous as fuck and I don’t wanna make it obvious that I got feelings for you. So I walked to the front door instead and went outside acting like it was for a purpose 😭. Then you started vibin and catching up with some old friends etc. omg. THEN Bodak yellow plays and I’m groovin to it and I see you groovin to it too. You start dancing towards me and reach for a bro shake. I come to you like a magnet and say “you know this song?l and you’re like “Bodak Yellow. Heck yeah man.” Then we start jammin to it. Then you start up a conversation with me. And my ears are all open and listening. BUT THEN my dad had to tap me on the shoulders and tell me to bring the box of pizza to the table for my other friends when they could just go inside and eat what they please. Anyways, I follow the order. And walk back out and you’re already talking to jamie L. So I give you your space and just go back to doin my thing.

After that party I cried so much about how blessed I was. I cried about 5-8 times on and off (even when I was brushing my teeth lmao). That was the highlight of my fuckin life deadass. So I start thinkin about all the ways you made me feel. Etc. i just had to let myself feel it all out. Make sense of it all. Try to accept what was and what is. I asked one of my favorite artists (and he responded. ILY Steve Lacy) about this and he gave me a some great insight on everything. I just had to connect all the dots and ask so many questions to the universe and myself. I’m a firm believer of “EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING WHAT IS MEANT TO BE WILL BE.” I had to reconnect with my inner-self. And keep myself with myself. I did hurt. It was hard to sleep. It was hard to keep you off my mind. And it was hard to not feel. I had “not in that way” by Sam Smith on replay along with “Bad Religion” by Frank Ocean and other songs on replay because of all the overwhelming and frustrating feelings that I’ve been keeping suppressed. This is my only outlet (tumblr). I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone even my cousins (even though they tried so hard to get it out of me and open up about my struggles. IM GAy. There I said it. But I hate telling people because they just disregard all the baggage and deep pain you went through living with all the internal conflicts. It’s so heavy on me. I guess I hate how no one will understand my pain which is why I refuse to open up about my sexuality. Along with it comes so many misconceptions and negative assumptions that I just cannot deal with. Anyways, back to you A.H. I realized that I do love you even if we only talk here and there. Even if you don’t feel the same. I’ve learned to accept that you won’t be my bf. And I guess I’ve been holding onto you for so long because I relied so heavily on hope that things would eventually work out for us. It’s been two years. Ever since the summer of 2015 to today August 08, 2017. I realized that the Universe has been sending me signals to move on and to let go. And to understand that what is for me will come into my life. God knows what he’s doing and maybe you just weren’t the right guy for me even though I really wanted you to be. So yeah, even as I type this I have doubts. I worry that what if I’m just not trying hard enough and that you’re just struggling to let your feelings out for me and all of that. But then, I reexamined your instagram and our convos. You have all you need. You have a girlfriend, you have a wonderful family, and you have so many people who love you. You are happy and that is all that matters. I love you and I’m working to fall out of love with you for myself. It’s time for me to heal. And it’s time for me to invest in myself more and the people who truly love and care for me. I’ve been so lost because of my selfish motives. It was such a blessing to cross paths with you it truly was. You made me who I am today. I definitely learned so much about “love” and friendships. I learned about myself and the universe. You will always have a place in my heart, but we just were never meant to have something more than what I thought we should have. Maybe I’ll see you next lifetime? Hmm, who knows. The Lord is beyond amazing and I need to trust him/her more and build with him/her more. I love you A.H. This is me releasing all of my suppressed thoughts about you so that I can be one step closer to healing myself. You will do so many amazing things in life especially since you’re such a great soul. I’ll be here on the side cheering you on. ILY. And I’ll miss you.

Sincerely, PJPT 💛💧✨💜✨💗✨