#i have so much doodles and sketches to post but maybe ill make a separate post for the rest

[xxplastic-cubexx]

just wanted to make a color ref for Brain Therapist Magneto from 309 but i needed lights too for some reason

bonus The Flats Only Version

[highoncatfood]

yakou doodle dump bcuzzzzzzzzzz yeah

[allomammal]

Resolutions 2K20

In the year of their lord 2019, I had nigh 10 resolutions set up for the new year.

1.     Run 600 Miles 2.     100 Push-Ups a Day 3.     Flexitarianism 4.     No Lattés 5.     Limited Take Out 6.     Practice/Learn Spanish Daily 7.     Reading (At Least) One Book a Month 8.     Writing/Journaling (At Least) Twice A Week 9.     Undefined Resolution On Programming (Python/R) 

However, the year would encounter me in the most precarious position that I have known to-date.  Having separated from my pair-bond in late March, my entire world fell to disarray – certainly not all at once, but in bursts of calamity with intermittent, fleeting calm, and frequent tears.

I accomplished a resounding… NONE of my 2019 resolutions (though, I did come close with 594 miles over the course of the year [Anxiety, Illness, & Injury, 2019]).

BUT…

As I’ve recently been reading up on and trying to practice mindfulness, I am learning to forgive myself for those things that I could never have foreseen. (To be completely honest, a more **MINDFUL** me should have seen it all unfolding and it is now painfully obvious that I could have and should have changed course; hindsight and all of that).

I intend to keep this post brief, as I’m still re-calibrating my self and trying to re-fashion a version of me that postures less and emotes more honestly; a me that takes account of and responsibility for his own emotions; a me that communicates sincerely from a place curiosity and care (I’ve been reading “Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication” by Oren Jay Sofer).

Resolutions for 2K20: 1.     Run at least 365 Miles This year, I’ve become increasingly aware how closely related my physical and emotional state are – having experienced the worst anxiety attack of my life during and after a 3 mile run over the summer. Additionally, I suffered through a two-day bout of depression after running 14 miles on Thanksgiving Day and then not eating or sleeping enough to allow my body (and mind) to recover. I don’t like how my physically-emotionally exhausted self interacts with the people who love me. So, I think I’m deciding to focus on shorter runs with more strength and flexibility training. I’m not sure how this will turn out, but let’s give it a go, yeah? 

2.     100 Push-Ups a Day I guess this is part of the strength training that I was talking about above. Really, this is a small, mostly cosmetic thing. I liked the way my chest looked and felt when I faithfully executed my daily 100 push-ups back in 2018. So, I just want to look and feel pretty. Is that a fucking crime???

 3.     Hiatus from Facebook Having separated from one of the greatest loves of my life, I find that Facebook inspires in me nothing but existential dread and a reminder of what I’ve lost. I suspect I will not deactivate my account, but I may adjust my settings on Twitter and Instagram so that those posts are automatically fed to the people that still check for me via Facebook. I’ll still have the Messenger app, too I guess.

4.     Practice Spanish Weekly In the past few weeks, I’ve occasionally practiced Spanish by listening to newly discovered acts like Fer Casillas, Kordelya, Los Mesoneros, Elsa y Elmar, and Siddhartha. I’ve also taken to writing out their lyrics and then annotating and translating their lyrics. I’m not sure how this will ever help with conversational Spanish, but… I guess… fuck it, right?

 5.     Read A Book (YOU ILLITERATE FUCK) or an Ecology Paper The books I’ve been reading lately are of the Buddhist, mindfulness, self-help variety. In lieu of expensive and infrequent therapy visits, these seem to be helping me engage and examine my emotions more thoroughly and I hope that, someday (with enough practice), I’ll be able to communicate my emotions sincerely and won’t hurt the people that I love with my imprecise or harmful language.

6.     Draw Some Shit Weekly In high school, I was active in my drawing classes and loved expressing myself with mixed-media (mostly pen and pencil, but occasionally oil or chalk pastel). In the past few days, I’ve been sketching again. I have a couple of sketchbooks so it’s about time I use them. I’ve rediscovered how focused I become when drawing and working on shading. The amorphous cloud of anxiety that I occasionally experience just seeps out of existence. And, at the end of an hour-long doodle-session (not to be confused with a 10-15 minute-long doodle-session), I feel pretty damn accomplished… and I have some tangible product to look back on (as opposed to the other kind of doodle-session).

7.     Blog on Ecology or Maths at Least Once a Month This one hinges on the one about reading a book and ecology papers. I wrote, like, one explainer on an interesting ecology paper back in 2018. I want to continue writing those sorts of things because I think I might be well-positioned to demystify some ecology and statistical things for people who aren’t as ecologically or statistically-minded. That, and I think I need to start writing again to hone any semblance of skill that I may have had. Maybe, I can position myself to apply for a PhD in the next few years.

8.     Fold and Put Away My Fucking Clothes After Laundry My Room… is my mind. If my room is cluttered, then my mind is cluttered. I think my short-term efficiency in the past few weeks and months have made me feel less accomplished and less organized. To rectify that, upon doing my laundry (which is often on a weekly basis), the gods command that I iron and put away my fucking clothes.

9.     Cook Weekly Meals (Less Take-Out) This has been difficult to do since moving in with my long-time friend and current roommate. Negotiating how much space my groceries take up, how much time I spend in the kitchen, etc. that has been a challenge that I have allowed to disrupt my normal habit of preparing a weekly meal for work. This has resulted in me spending more money than I’ve needed to. It hasn’t helped that I’m easily influenced by the eating habits of friends (this was the case when I lived with friends in the past). I definitely need to regain discipline in the culinary arena. I’m hoping that this will also help with my physical and mental health. 

10. Limit Alcohol Consumption This has been a financially unwise routine to help me get through grading my students’ work this semester. Daydreaming about simply talking to the pretty bartenders has also helped pass the time (though, it’s probably been counterproductive to healing and becoming a functioning human being again).  Anyhow, I need to cut back on how much I spend (it turns out that drinking IPAs at the bar is expensive AS FUCK). So I’ll probably limit myself to at most 2 bar-visits per week, a maximum of 3 drinks per outing, and I will probably forbid buying any beer that is not on special… at the bar. I’ll still be able to purchase my beloved fancy-boy IPAs at the local HEB. It’s just not financially sustainable for me to drink like that at the bar... Ya know, this also goes for getting coffee at cafés. I’ll have to rely on Valero and QT for my coffee needs if I’m ever out and about.

And finally, this is not really a resolution but I just want to directly address myself:

Leave Cigarettes in 2019 YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD.

I said I’d make it brief, but I’m my Dad’s son. So, there it is.