#i have slept a total of five hours in three days- can you tell lmfao

[alluralater]

"say it don't spray it." nah open that mouth nice and wide, babygirl. i'm about to spit some facts in it

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: The Assassin’s Blade, Ch 23-24

Sorry this took so long but this book is fucking exhausting

Celaena and Ansel knew their little escapade with the Asterion horses would have consequences. Celaena had at least expected to have enough time to tell a decent lie about how they acquired the horses. But when they returned to the fortress and found Mikhail waiting, along with three other assassins, she knew that word of their stunt had somehow already reached the Master.

But how? Who told him? Who the hell saw them steal the horses and somehow got back to the fortress before them?

So, get this. The Mute Master has them alone in his chambers, no doubt about to get furious at them for pulling such a stunt, right? And then Celery pulls this fucking shit.

And suddenly, as the memory of that day echoed through her, she remembered the words Sam kept screaming at Arobynn as the King of the Assassins beat her, the words that she somehow had forgotten in the fog of pain: I’ll kill you!

You’re about to be possibly kicked out of a training fortress that you need to receive a letter of approval from in order to be allowed home and now you’re suddenly splooging over a guy because he... didn’t want you to be hurt? Like any decent fucking human being? God I fucking hate you, Celery, you stupid piece of shit.

After Celery finishes drooling  over Sammy wanting to kill Arobynn for hurting her, she at least has the good sense to take the fall for the idea since this is Ansel’s home and getting in trouble would extremely affect her.

Apparently the Mute Master is fairly chill with them stealing horses and Ansel tells Celery she can go tomorrow for her first private lesson. Jesus Christ, finally, this story is going somewhere.

Their punishment next morning is cleaning animal shit out of the pens.

Another benefit was that they didn’t have to go running. Though after four hours of shoveling animal droppings, Celaena would have begged to take the six-mile run instead.

Not really a benefit then, is it?

Celery goes to the Master’s hangout on the roof for her first lesson.

Celaena cleared her throat again, and the Master finally turned. She bowed, which, strangely, was something she felt he actually deserved, rather than something she ought to do.

Celery learning that diplomacy is a thing?? She really does grow stupider as the books go on, since in E0S she threatens and attempts to stab the people in a political meeting that don’t agree with her viewpoint.

The Mute Master gives her a basket with a snake inside and tells her to observe its movements, so she spends the lesson moving with the snake and copying its movements. It’s actually really cool and more interesting than generic swords training.

SJM describes some more cool training in passing about how Celery has to study the movements of other animals like bats and rabbits. So let me get this straight; a whole page in the market scene was dedicated to Celery crying because she wanted new shoes, and that’s plot important, but you skip over her training which was the whole point of her coming to this place.

I’m.... speechless. Utterly speechless. It isn’t often you see someone fail so badly at all aspects of writing, but SJM has done it. She has officially failed at a basic component of storytelling. And her books are New York bestsellers. Truly, the world isn’t a fair place.

And every day, Celaena went to sleep after lunch and dozed until the sun went down, her dreams full of snakes and rabbits and chirping desert beetles. Sometimes she spotted Mikhail training the acolytes, or found Ilias meditating in an empty training room, but she rarely got the chance to spend time with them.

Ilias I kinda get, but you’ve spoken what, five words to Mikhail? You have no relationship with him lmfao.

There were quiet moments also, when she wasn’t training or toiling with Ansel. Moments when her thoughts drifted back to Sam, to what he’d said. He’d threatened to kill Arobynn. For hurting her.

Ask me if I give a fuck. Seriously, I don’t. I don’t feel this chemistry at all and I’m dreading when we return to Arobynn’s assassin joint and we have to read multiple paragraphs of Celery splooging over how hot Sammy is.

Next chapter opens up with Celery putting make up on Ansel because it’s apparently her birthday.

“What?” Ansel said. Celaena shook her head. “You’re going to have to wash it all off.” “Why?” “Because you look better than I do.” Ansel pinched Celaena’s arm. Celaena pinched her back, laughter on her lips.

Girls being friends? Pure and wholesome. Too bad SJM ruins it immediately after with this.

She hadn’t even dared ask the Master for her letter yet. But more than that … Well, she’d never had a female friend—never really had any friends—and somehow, the thought of returning to Rifthold without Ansel was a tad unbearable.

Hmm... it does raise the eyebrows a little that Ansel is super masculine and a “stronk female character’ like Celery and she is the only girl Celery has ever considered as a friend.......almost as if... it’s sexist towards girls who aren’t masculine like Celery.....hm...

At the party people are dancing with no music, which is whack af to Celery.

Though she loved, loved, loved parties, Celaena would have rather spent the night training with the Master. (...) But he’d insisted she go to the party—if only because he wanted to go to the party. The old man danced to a rhythm Celaena could not hear or make out, and looked more like someone’s benevolent, clumsy grandfather than the master of some of the world’s greatest assassins.

Hey, you leave him alone. He’s one of the few good characters in this shitty ass story, and if he wants to dance like an old grandpa, then let him.

Celery sees Ansel dancing with Mikhail and makes it all about her own feefees for Sammy, as usual.She gushes over how Sammy is totally in love with her and how she totally busts a nut every time he looks at her or some stupid shit like that.

Someone touched her shoulder, and Celaena looked up from her empty wine goblet to find Ilias standing behind her. She hadn’t seen much of him in the past few days, aside from at dinner, where he still glanced at her and gave her those lovely smiles. He offered his hand.

Poor Ilias, man. Obviously Celery doesn’t owe him anything, but.... you deserve someone so much better, Ilias. Imagine if it were Sammy here instead of Celery. I want that fanfic, someone write it.

Ilias and Celery eventually ditch the party since Celery’s feet hurt from dancing.

What would he say—that is, if he could speak—if he knew that Adarlan’s Assassin had never been kissed? She’d killed men, freed slaves, stolen horses, but she’d never kissed anyone.

God, we’re really going there, aren’t we... god I’m so tired....

First off, good job on shaming any older teenagers because they’ve never kissed someone before, as if that makes them weirdos. Makes me feel fucking amazing as an 18 y/o who hasn’t kissed anyone yet. Thanks, SJM.

Second, who gives a shit?? In fact, Celery, you have a good excuse for not kissing anyone; you’re an assassin. If you told Ilias, he’s probably just assume you’re too busy with work to settle down with someone. Like, do you think he’s really gonna make fun of you for not having kissed anyone before? Does SJM know how human beings function????

Anyways, Ilias does try to kiss Celery, but immediately stops when she backs away. Man, a male character who respects boundaries?? In MY SJM book?? Never thought I’d see the day.

“I—I can’t. I mean, I’m leaving in a week. And … and you live here. And I’m in Rifthold, so …” She was babbling. She should stop. Actually, she should just stop talking. Forever.

You really should. Sadly, Celery doesn’t take her own advice.

Ilias is just like, “whatever, that’s cool fam,” and goes to his room. I can’t believe SJM is making me praise a character for respecting personal boundaries but holy shit, that’s how low the bar is with her characters.

Alone in the hallway, Celaena watched the shadows cast by the torches. It hadn’t been the mere impossibility of a relationship with Ilias that had made her pull away. No; it was the memory of Sam’s face that had stopped her from kissing him.

First off, that semicolon is making me wince when a comma would’ve sufficed better, so jot that down. Second, unghhhh I don’t care, I don’t give a shit about Celery’s sudden crush on Sammy! He deserves someone who will treat him right!

Ansel arrives late next morning to shoveling shit duty because she slept with Mikhail. Again, ask me if I give a fuck.

Out of the blue, Ansel gets all pissy and jealous of Celery training with the Mute Master. It’s so literally out of nowhere and so obviously shoehorned in just so there can be conflict. SJM looking up basic writing tips and was like, ‘Oh shit, my story has no conflict and I need a falling out before the final climax! Uhhh Ansel is mad at Celery, yeah okay.”

Celaena’s throat tightened, and she cursed herself for feeling so hurt by the words. She didn’t think the Master felt that way at all, but she still hissed, “Yes, my glorious fate. Shoveling dung in a barn. A worthy task for me.” “But certainly a worthy task for a girl from the Flatlands?” “I didn’t say that,” Celaena said through her teeth. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

Jesus Christ, Ansel, I think I hate you almost as much as I hate Celery. Ansel is one of those fucking assholes who twists around words of others and reblogs someones post with a shitty “So you’re basically saying you hate all of (x) people, are you OP?” guilt trip.

Celery is like ‘whatever, nobody cares about you reclaiming your shitty homeland even though it has nothing to do with our conversation and I only brought it up because the author wants us to hate each other now” and Ansel stomps off. Riveting Drama, this is, these characters are so well developed! I totally care about how this conflict will resolve itself!

[myaekingheart]

I feel like I’ve been all over the place today. I woke up feeling like crap, slept for an extra fifteen minutes, did the bare minimum getting ready. I found this instagram that had funny ED memes, though, and they kind of inspired me to really start trying to do better with my eating. I actually ate breakfast before I left the house, and then I grabbed two snacks from the vending machine between classes (when the ED voice in my brain was telling me that despite feeling a little hungry, I could go without, that I didn’t really need the food, that you could just bypass the vending machine so I thought to myself “well then fuck you I’m gonna get two because I deserve to eat”). It felt weird and lowkey satisfying sitting in this nearly three hour class not starving or feeling like I was going to pass out, and also gave me hardcore nostalgia for the days of elementary/middle/high school when we would have lunch and then go to class afterwards full and sleepy. Really weird shit happened in my afternoon class, though. I somehow got a perfect score on a test that I did not study for at all and totally bullshited an answer on, and then we were put into groups for an in-class assignment that escalated into a group project and I got put into a group with a kid in this class who...intrigues me? I guess you could say? I don’t know, I don’t want to say I have a crush on him, per se, I’m just...intrigued by him. In a socially anxious, non-romantic format. I don’t know, it’s weird, but like not only did I get put in a group with this kid but my professor also had me sit in the desk right next to him and it was just...bizarre. I felt like I was back in this weird time warp almost, I don’t know, there was just something very unusual about all of this. It was also storming outside to give an even greater air of the unusual. We luckily got out early, too, which was nice. Had a pretty smooth trip home even if my contact started bugging me at the bus stop. Had a few pieces of chocolate when I got home, and then curled up and actually read a book for fun for like a solid three hours which was super nice. It was when my boyfriend and I went and got dinner that things started going south again. Dinner was decent, but we got chicken and it didn’t sit well so I started having yet ANOTHER IBS flare-up, and then of course when I was in the bathroom trying to deal with that, I could overhear my neighbors next door yelling at each other which only heightened my anxiety. I just wish I could live in peace, honestly, I’m so sick of this stupid apartment and this stupid town and everyone in it. Hopefully things will be better once we move, it’s just getting to that point that’s the struggle. I wish we could just pack up and get out of here now. But anyways, I thought I was okay enough to get a shower so I took one and then I started feeling worse so I had to sit in the bathroom for a solid, like, twenty five minutes just trying to suffer through this. Took my meds and was still in hell, but at least it wasn’t the same brand of hell as Thursday morning. At least this hell was productive. But hell nonetheless. The anxiety started kicking up, too, which also did not help this one bit. I just overall started feeling very chaotic and uneasy and I started blaming the food. I started fearing that dinner made me sick, or maybe I was just stressed, or maybe this was punishment for having eaten too much today. I don’t know, that last option doesn’t sound totally impossible. Maybe my digestive system just couldn’t handle the extra load. Maybe I’ve gotten my body too accustomed to starvation and now this is the price I pay. Sounds about right. I’m very scared I’m falling into the same pit from a few years ago, though, where everything stressed me out and my IBS reached a peak to where I couldn’t even a damn thing without feeling sick and then lost like ten pounds in the course of a couple months. I’m scared of that happening again. I don’t want to get that sick again. I don’t want to go through that torture again. I can’t handle it. I find it funny, though, that my IBS started getting really, really bad again around the time when I started applying for jobs. It’s almost as if my body just doesn’t want me to work, you know? Like I want to get a job and be independent and make my own money and shit but then when my body does stuff like THIS, it makes it hard to feel like a functional, productive adult, if not human being. I don’t even know if I can make it to school tomorrow with how absolutely disgusting and sick I’ve been feeling tonight. I guess I’ll see how I feel in the morning-- I really shouldn’t skip. I have homework due tomorrow that I can’t afford to get a zero on--well, actually, I can, but I don’t want to. And I only have one 45minute class, really. It’s just that my bus commute is also, like, 45 minutes there and back. So that’s extra. Extra spoons to spend. I don’t know, I’ll probably suck it up and go anyways but I guess we’ll see how I’m feeling. It just sucks, though. Like I don’t want to be sick like this. I don’t want my life to be dictated by my chronic illness but that’s basically life with chronic illnesses, isn’t it? Your entire life revolves around them and is dictated by them. And that fucking sucks, but I know there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. If there was, it wouldn’t be chronic, would it? I don’t know, man. I’ve kind of reached a stalemate in my flare-up at this point, but I still feel iffy. I stayed up two hours later than my boyfriend now just because I didn’t feel confident enough that this was over and that I would be able to crawl into bed and happily oblige to sleep without interruption. And now it’s been two hours and I haven’t had to run back to the bathroom yet so there’s that. I don’t know. I’ll have to make sure I keep my meds on hand tomorrow at the very least (I forgot them today, which made eating more an especially scary idea that did actually feed me lots of anxiety) just to be safe. My next doctor’s appointment isn’t for another two weeks so that’s fun. Last I was there I asked him about this weird deja vu bullshit I’ve been feeling off and on for a few years, which I’ve begun suspecting is temporal lobe epilepsy. If that is what it is, then that’s terrifying and I’m not sure how I feel about that but I want to make sure I have answers. My primary said he wasn’t super well-versed in what the deja vu stuff might be but that he was going to ask the psychiatrist on campus (I see an on campus doctor because I can and it’s free for me so woo fucking hoo) and let me know when I see him at our next appointment. I just have to say, also, that I really, really like this doctor. Technically he’s a nurse practitioner but whatever, po-tay-to po-tah-to. He’s just got this really great demeanor/attitude, I feel like he genuinely cares about his patients and enjoys his job. He makes it fun, or as fun as a doctor’s appointment can be. And when he asked me if I wanted him to get me in touch with the psychiatrist on campus, and I told him I wasn’t sure about the finances of it and that there was a copay per my insurance I didn’t think I wanted to pay, he said that was fine and that we would work on it together like whatever I was dealing with. I mean, after all, it doesn’t mean he can’t consult with the psychiatrist about something he’s unsure on himself. I don’t know, just overall he’s a really cool guy and I like seeing him. He makes me less nervous about doctor’s appointments than I usually am, and it’s just overall nice to know that he and the staff in general there are such kind people who always seem like they care about their patients and whatnot. Plus it’s free, so that’s always a bonus. But yeah, when I do go back, I hope I can get answers on what this weird ass deja vu shit is because it hits at the most inopportune moments and leaves me kind of mentally stunned for a solid three hours or so afterward, it’s so weird. And when I do go back, I’ll likely have to talk about the hell week I’ve had with my IBS so that should be fun lmfao yay for chronic illnesses-- they fucking suck.