#i have posters and knowlege and wants and shit

[softmeetscreatureplz]

Mmm Augh *mental chewing* :]-

I understand ppl who dislike tables and like to keep things vague or just go with nothing and everything, and I can totally respect that 100%- however in my own case I collect lables like pokemon cards and chew on them when I feel upset.

Probably bcs I had very little of personal interests and shit when I was younger, but ad a result now the fact that I get to have concrete facts abt myself and things I like is just,,,, makes me wanna bite them and chew on them yk? Idk.

Sounds kinda stupid outlook ig but it's a comfort thing

[milquetoast-on-acid]

Sanctuary City pt1, A Reactionary Post

Father issues

What this episode is about: Mason's Zeal Reserve Officer Watson Camilla Page, the cop version of Emma Rios Young Love Triangles (or quadrangles) Kelly and Ryan and Miguel and Lucas Rusty and Gus and Aiden Concerned Families Diaz, Rojas, Garza and Garrett St Josephs: The Fathers Julio dealing with Loss The Raydor/Flynn Beck Family + The Squad The Official Return of Stroh + A Mother's Concern Wedding Details A Wedding and A Funeral

Major Crimes, S6xE1: Episode Review

This episode is a gigantic information dump, very similar to Hindsight. With tons of players involved. There's so much to unpack here. From personal plot lines, a new character, learning about three different families, the missing kids and Stroh.

"My daughter and both of my sons attended St Josephs, Lieutenant. No priest in my parish has ever been accused of wrong doing." Typical Provenza when it comes to anything having to do with the catholic church. And this is such a rare thing to see from Sharon. She usually is very diplomatic when it comes to her emotions and beliefs. My guess here is that because it's involving a school/parish she's been involved with for decades - she isn't mincing her words. Even Amy gives Provenza a look, like that might not be the best of comments.

"All this trouble and the boys are probably just at a double feature, somewhere." "A double feature somewhere, should we be looking for these boys in the 1950's." I love this bantering. And maybe Andy's suggestion is kind of ridiculous but.... Drives in's do still exist. Although they are extremely rare. There's one around where I live and I did go to a double feature a few years back. Didn't Sharon and Andy go to the movies pretty often on their not-date dates. So wouldn't he be pretty familiar with the LA area having a drive in? Love the sliding wall but...How is this new tech going to help them with their investigations? And is that new printer? An actual printer that Provenza won't be able to charge people to use.

Mason's Zeal "I'd rather I overreact then discover I didn't pay enough attention, later." Right off the bat Mason is completely different to both Taylor and Pope. He sees three kids missing and wants to jump on the case. He makes an excellent point that if the three boys where white the LAPD would be jumping on this case. While the squad is rather reluctant to move on it because of the short time frame the boys have been missing. 

Personally it's a really welcome change from Taylor who was (mostly) motivated by money and press. Pope who often times went along with Brenda but half the time he was trying to bone her and the other half of the time he was only looking out for himself. 

"Commander it's your call but I think we need to get the faces of the boys out to the media." Another welcome change from Mason. When Taylor would go to the press first or push Sharon to go to the press despite her feelings other wise. Mason states his opinion but leaves the decision up to Sharon. And it should always have been her decision to release information like that and I love that Mason is working with Sharon instead of against her.

Reserve officer Watson "If you interfere with this investigation you'll be standing in front of a camera with a booking plate across your neck." I love each of the squad's reactions to Buzz interviewing one of the parents. Mike is proud AF giving Buzz an nice high five. Amy reassures Buzz he doesn't need to dress the part. Andy (who if you remember took Buzz out on his first ride along) pushes Buzz not to be shy and to take charge of the interview. While Sharon has every confidence in Buzz. I love our little Police family here. Everyone's own personalities coming out in their reactions to him. 

Buzz' involvement in this investigation is such a contrast to his boyscout behavior in "Turn Down". He's rather forceful with Marvin Garrett and threatens to arrest the guy if he won't cohoperate. I love it! He's so much more confident and it seems that he really did learn something from Andy and Provenza. Even Buzz' knowlege of spanish comes in when he heads the search warrent of the Diaz' house. When supririse, suprirse their hiding something. Like a big wad of fat money under the floorboards.

Camilla Page, the cop version of Emma Rios She's very socially awkward and seems to bounce ideas off of herself. Although I guess that you would be used to doing that if you were used to working by yourself. Why she has to do it out loud though, is anyone's guess. Why all of the female characters are introduced as annoying AF? Amy, Emma, Winnie, Linda Rothman, and even Sharon. Couldn't we have a female character that's introduced into the story not made to be annoying? 

I suppose the difference being that she has a sympathetic backstory and that one of our beloved characters has a relationship with her. So it's supposed to ease her into the story better but as of yet. I'm not buying it. My big question is...if Cami is so important to Provenza, why has Andy never even heard of her?

“Hey that's great news, Detective. Now would you like to hear what the Commander would like you to do?" hahah I love Andy's sassy come back at Page jumping the gun. Gotta love Mike's face when she interprets Sharon. Mike and Andy share a look and then Mike shakes his head. 

I kind of what to see a jealous Buzz as Provenza mentors Cami. I do love the images that come to mind when Provenza was light on fire by a hot dog. 

Can someone explain Page's actions when the squad meets with Mason after Provenza shits on Garret? It appears she's just moving a bunch of shit around while doing nothing important. Was this originally supposed to go somewhere and they cut it out? It seems really odd. As in this cut, her actions don't go anywhere. 

"Now all five of them are in or through college." Wait...what!? Just how old is this girl? I get it. I myself am the poster child for looks can be deceiving when it comes to age. But how old is she supposed to be?

The Love Triangles

Kelly and Ryan and Miguel and Lucas

Seems like Kelly like all of the boys and at the very least Miguel and Lucas like her. My money is on one of the boys or Kelly is responsible for the abduction.

"She kind of likes all of them."

Love the look on Mike's face when it was revealed that Kelly likes all of the boys. Like wait what!? The girl could be completely innocent or she could be manipulating their feelings for her.

Rusty and Gus and Aiden "You are following Gus' boss on instagram?" So Gus is off living in Napa working in Aiden's resturant and the two of them are still having problems in their relationship.  Rusty hasn't heard from Gus in four days and it appears that he's off parting with Aiden. Sharon is rather patient and wants Rusty to not jump to any conclusions. Honestly, I think at this point if Gus hasn't contacted Rusty in four days (and Gus seems to have a habit of running off when him and Rusty are have problems). Then it's probably time to start moving on. And as obsessive as Rusty is with following Aiden on instigram, he seems to be coming to the conclusion that it's best to let Gus come to him. If Gus doesn't want to be found, then Rusty isn't going to go chasing after him. It really looked like at the end of Shockwave, the boys were going to break up. Kind of seems like a slow spiraling death for their relationship.

Concerned Families

Diaz, Rojas, Garza and Garrett

It really becomes clear as the investigation goes on that each family is hiding something. Mateo's his drug use, him and his wife's problems, and his anger issues.The Diaz' mysterious stash of money and the threat of being deported. Hector Rojas' mysterious death which looks like it was caused by Ryan. And Hector's abuse of Ryan.

The first thing we learn about Lucas is that he's diabetic. And because of that he's on a very strick schedule. It seems that, Lucas has a thing for Miguel's neighbor Kelly. And Marvin Garrett who's Kelly's father is biased againest anyone that's not white.

According to Miss Rojas, her dead husband Hector told her he was in the import export business. And that she had no idea that he was a gangster. But seriously how dumb can you be, when someone says import/export what else can that mean!?

What do these boys have in common? Father issues. 

"We have three missing boys, Sir. This is a crisis." Provenza being 100% done with Garret!I loved it so much!  The guy in his raciest rattled brain just could not fucking understand. These boys were missing and all he saw was the other. Loved that Provenza was sooo pissed off that he immediately shit all over him and didn't give a flying fuck when Mason chewed him out. 

Except that when Sharon gives Provenza that look, does he actually explain what he was thinking. Provenza thinks that Mason is favoring the Catholic church (just the way that Pope did) but thankfully Sharon explains that it's more like what the press is going to do with that information. Provenza isn't always the most strategic when he's pissed off but damn it I love what he did.

The Catholic Church St Josephs: The Fathers

Father Stan Love that Sharon's priest is making a big appearance in these episodes. Would have liked him to at least say hello to Andy. We got more interaction from him and Andy in White Lies when the two of them weren't even in the same scene together. While, Father Stan seems pretty antiquated with Rusty. Which certainly makes sense with Rusty having gone to St Josephs and all of the wedding stuff. But still...not interaction with him an Andy. That’s just odd. 

Father Jonas Alcaraz Both Provenza and Andy seem suspicious of Father Jonas Alcaraz. The first thing that Andy picks up on is the Father's very close relationship with the boys. To the point that he'd notice if they were missing. Provenza thought that the Father was trying to block his access to one of the missing boy's locker. To me both of these things could be explained but only time will tell who the abductor/killer will turn out to be.

Julio dealing with Loss It seems like all this guy has gone through his entire life is loss. His cat was killed by neighborhood gang members. His wife and unborn child are killed in a car crash. Then his brother is murdered by a gang in a drive by. He finally moves on from his wife's death only to date a multiple murderer. Then he tries adopting a kid, forms a bond with him and gets him take away. Only to have the kid come back to him. And now his mother is dead. Can the guy ever catch a break. Also it seems that Julio attends the same church that Sharon does. Interesting.

The Raydor/Flynn/Beck Family + The squad Sharon, Mike and Nolan all had the flu but it seems like Sharon's going through something worse than that. Which is pointed out to us by Andy, Rusty and Mike's concern over her. 

Andy and Mike share a look after Sharon seems rather sore getting up from her chair to greet her Priest. When Sharon explains that 'it's just the flu', Andy shakes his head in concern and disagreement. Later on Rusty pushes Sharon to go to her doctor's appointment. It's really great to see Rusty step out side of himself and show some concern for his mother. And similar to Brenda, when Sharon is on a case it's generally top priority. Especially since it's super critical to find Lucas who has't had any insulin in about a day. 

Like I don't think that they are going to kill Sharon. IMO, that would be way to dark for Duff. But an illness for Sharon, you know I don't know. I've mixed thoughts on it. There is that thought in the back of my mind even though it's not really logical. That I don't need another Laura Roslin in my life. On the other hand if this is an emotional arc for Sharon...that's something that is very needed.

The Official Return of Stroh + The theme of Moby Dick Last year there was build up on Stroh coming back and that build up continues. With him squeezing in on them. It seems he's cleaning house (why I haven't figured out yet). The guy had killed off his stepmother - which means protection for Brenda, Linda and Rusty. Only of course Rusty doesn't want protection.

One of the boys was reading Moby Dick. The significance of having that book on Sharon's desk is that Stroh is Sharon's white whale. Sharon was rather obsessed with finding Stroh and keeping Rusty safe in season 3. That it stopped her from living her life until she finally closed Stroh's file. And how he's returned and with that Sharon's obsession with capturing Stroh and watching Rusty like a hawk. Now that Stroh is at their backs, Sharon in particular is going to feel the pressure.

Wedding details That Singer... So as soon as Father Stan mentions the singer. It became obvious that it was going to be Olivia Mell. And then we find out that Rusty is a ring bearer. Which I like a lot more than having Ricky and Rusty walk Sharon down the aisle.

A Wedding and a Funeral The ending scene, hits you square in the gut. The music and the chiming of the church bells really sets a ominous mood. The editing with the flashes of the scene inter cut with hard fade in's makes it really feel like a funeral. Beautifully shot, beautifully edited. Visually this is going to bookend Sharon and Andy's wedding at the end of the Sanctuary Arc. Especially with the way that Provenza and Kendall are standing. Not to mention that the focus is on Sharon in this scene, walking down the sidewalk in a light grey trench. Not dissimilar to the color and length of a wedding dress. 

Sharon is so deeply effected by Ryan's death that she has to break away from everyone to take a breather. And I love that while she's alone in her thoughts. A worried Andy is in the background waiting for her to come to him. Letting her know that he's there if she needs him but not hovering. I rather think that Andy has learned to let Sharon sort things out, inside of her head before he talks to her. He's giving her space and I love that because it really illustrates just how well he knows her at this point. 

For decades Sharon has been used to dealing with everything on her own. And while she has a partner now who she can rely on in emotional situations. I really think that it's still very hard for her to let go. Also because of the emotional damage from her first marriage I don't think that Sharon will ever just go to Andy immediately when she's dealing with something.

Speculation: I'm ruling out Ryan's douchebag biodad. He guy doesn't care enough about Ryan to dump his body in a blanket at St Josephs. This is someone who knows and cares about him. Someone from one of the three families, one of the other missing boys or possibly Kelly Garrett. That's who my money is on.

What I don't like: Raymond Cruz was not in this episode and there for his name was not in the credits. I don't care for that. Whether or not he wasn't in the episode, he is part of the main cast. When Mary was a part of TC's cast in season 7, she was always credited whether or not she was in an episode. The editing in the beginning of the episode is kind of odd. There's some zooming edits to the beat of music. Sometimes MC gets a little experimental in how they shoot things but it's a little odd here. Especially since it doesn't continue throughout the rest of the episode. 

We get a TON of information in this episode. With the case and with the personal stories. In my opnion too much information, although this is pretty typical of this show at times. Like to pack so much into their episode and not enough time for all of the storylines to breathe properly. Not a fan of the new character and they seem to make a rather big deal of her. Although I do have to say I like her slightly better then Emma.

What I do like: Dogs, Dogs, Dogs!!! Love the search Dogs all over this episode. That ending scene just loved it! Everything about it is really amazing. I enjoyed this episode, I like the dark tone. Can't say it's my favorite premiere and I think it suffers from too much information being thrown at us at once. I loved Buzz learning to being more forceful. Andy and Rusty being concerned for Sharon over her mysterious illness. Loved Provenza shitting all over Marvin Garret and his bit about drugs, drugs, drugs.

[annieoftheshitposts]

this post used to be a link to the old canons page but i’m turning it into a text dump of the revised one for people on mobile [or who have bad wifi/computers that the fancy schmancy script on the canons page wouldn’t play well with.] theres a lot sorry not sorry. here we go.

Canon Info

 Much more is said about Annie in external sources than the game itself, here's copypastes of all I know of and go by.

From the 3rd DLC Character Voting page:

As popular figures in nationwide folktales, a children’s television adaptation of Annie and Sagan’s adventures was inevitable. The show’s success lies in its pair of live action hosts, who are as convincing as their cartoon counterparts. Though what the public learns about the real Annie might surprise them. Annie is a seasoned fighter who has been around for a long time, acquiring many skills and powers along the way. Her sword is forged from a meteorite and can channel the power of the stars in its sweeping cleaves. Her right eye bonds her to her Remote Parasite and partner, Sagan, who grants her powers of a galactic motif. While some of her abilities carry more of a sparkly magical girl motif, Annie tries to execute them with the same sternness.

From "The canon info thread" on Skullheart Encore forums:

-Annie is several-century-old. Her immortality was gained when her parents wished on the Skull Heart so that Annie would never have to experience the hardship of adulthood, thereby making her forever a child. -She has had many different weapons and abilities throughout her life. - Sagan, her remote parasite. keeps her right eye in his mouth. - She’s physically not able to swear due to her condition - She is familiar with Double due to her experience fighting Skullgirls - Annie has encountered a lot of Skullgirls and has killed a lot, but not the same a lot. She’s seen the cycle multiple times and seen how they become stronger each time and is looking for the underlying source now. - The Annie of the Stars show is very similar to the Super Mario Bros. Super Show with live action segments with cartoons and PSAs and commercials in between. - Sagan can talk. Somehow. - Annie hides her immortality by getting a new hairstyle every few years. The show tells the audience that they have simply changed the actress. Eliza also pulls a similar trick

and finally some other misc. scraps that weren't covered above:

-annie has some kind of "super" or "powered up" form, in which she seems to fuse with sagan. it can be seen on her

move concept sheet, in the end of robo-fortune's story mode, and as a very tiny feature on one of robo-fortune's merch posters, but to my knowlege it's never really been talked about.

-she's been depicted with an "incognito outfit", presumably for going out in public and not being recognized by fans.

-sagan is named after renowned astrophysicist carl sagan. this isnt really relevant to anything but it's not on the wiki so i figured i'd share :b

-and this random pic of annie in the past with a different look, plus gun and minus eyepatch, apparently official art from the "digital art compendium". i haven't seen the source for this one myself though, and count this one more as speculative canon since that ingame image up there with her eye uncovered doesn't show a scar or any kind of damage from this.

-another canon fact about annie is she is strong and brave and i love her.

Headcanon (Annie)

this is pretty disorganized bc i come up with and revise random shit on a fairly regular basis, but the very least it should be all here and up-to-date. [though on this text post version i may forget to keep it updated oops.

she can still only normally see from the one eye in her head [and likewise probably has terrible depth perception lmao], but she can “project” her vision into the one sagan has if need be, during which time both he and her main eye are blind.

even though sagan’s vision is his own and she doesn’t actively “see” through that eye most of the time, the stuff he sees still becomes part of her memory and she can recall it if need be, though it’s far less tangible and kind of a surreal experience trying to do so.

the space where her other eye was is now just...space. like empty starry void stuff. yes, TECHNICALLY, you could put stuff in it but why would you. sagan can feel when something interacts with it and it’s really just weird and uncomfortable for both of them.as sagan is the source of their powers, the strength of her abilities is slightly dependent on her distance from him. something like long sustained flight is really only capable if they’re touching, but she still has ample firepower and ability to zip around for a pretty good range otherwise.

Not interested in anime

absolutely hates being called her full name; hasn't gone by anything other than "Annie" for longer than anyone that should be alive today should know.

part of her curse of eternal youth is remembering everything up until the point it kicked in and she stopped aging [i.e. when she was Actually a kid] exactly as well as if she hadn’t aged.

from that point however, a lot of it is hazy as shit aside from more recent times [as you’d expect from someone who’s been around hundreds of years]. this one's gonna be angsty as shit when i address it and you can thank @sandstriker for that. fucker.

also hates being restrained. by the concept sheet and beo's story, her fighting style is very kinetic and relies heavily on mobility; take that away and you get one very uncomfortable and very angry starchild. [this one's 'cause of y'all with the handcuffs asks. this is part of why she's so agitated rn.]

what's in the pouch? whatever is alternatively convenient. is it snacks? is it a quick incognito disguise? is it her whole entire sword? who knows. i think it might be infinite hammerspace in there.

i haven't put much though into this side of her story yet, but i've decided part of the mythos of the "annie of the stars" character as a figure of legend is that she literally lives, among the stars.

if there's enough folktales about her to base an entire show off of, i'm willing to bet she used to be less elusive when she was just about fighting skullgirls before dedicating herself to the whole "looking for the underlying source" thing.

Headcanon (Sagan)

tl;dr: as far as things go here, he's essentially a cat and/or younger sibling.

Sagan's canon information and characterization is basically nonexistant, so i got to do pretty much whatever i wanted with him lmao.

simply put, he's a little gremlin of a partner, but he is genuinely good-natured and a happy-go-luckly little dude. mischevious, loves to get up to Shenanigans, go off and hide/disappear to fuck knows where for several hours, climb and sit on tall things[or failing that, annie's head], etc. @sawkinator has described him, regrettably accurately, as "the Token Disney Animal Sidekick". he has a lot of mannerisms like an animal, but is still very much a being of at least average human intelligence. he's also surprisingly indestructible. far from invincible of course, but in canon he's been shown to be quite stretchy and...possibly have minor shapeshifting capabilities?? he's pretty much immune to being squashed and feels very little [if any] pain from most things. really, as far as i can tell he's pretty much a weird sentient plushie. like, if it's not going to damage a plushie, it's not going to hurt him; examples being: getting knocked back really hard or falling a long way? not a problem. fire? problem.

Sagan tends to be somewhat nonverbal and generally only uses a few words or short phrase at a time when he does speak, which sounds something like the voice clip below. that being how it is, he can be kind of inscrutable and more than a bit jarring to most people--though at this point annie's been with him more than long enough to be completely desensitized to it and doesnt quite get why anyone would be perturbed. fortunately, with that familiarity also comes understanding, and she can easily "translate" and articulate more from his expressions. this understanding is a two-way street, and on its other side is sagan's sensitivity to her moods. annie's not particularly...communicative of her emotions, but sagan can always tell when she's having an off day or something's bothering her, and is far better than anyone at helping her feel better. all things said and quirky antics aside, he and annie are exceptionally close and fiercely protective of eachother the moment it comes to it. they don't make a big deal of showing it outwardly, but they know they've always got eachother's backs.

he's taken quite a liking to beowulf as well, and beo defintiely shamelessly enables sagan's shenanigans.

as i see it, annie may be the passion and power of their operation, but sagan is the heart and soul. beowulf is like....comic releif and emotional support. not entirely necessary, but certainly welcomed to have around. yeah. listen im a big sap i just want them all to be good friends ok. i love them.

also sagan does like and watch a lot of anime.

Blog Canon

miscellaneous happenings that either have continued relevance/significance, or y'all just won't let die. there's not a overarching plot to this thing at all, but geez we’ve kinda gathered some history here huh?

taught sagan to say fuck [and other swears, in her stead]. he used to have to do it on command but he's gotten really good at filling in for her.has a

stoat fursona that beo helped her make. she thinks it's neat/cute but has no real attachment to it.

attempted to sue the crystal gems for ripping off her entire shtick [it didn't go well]

beowulf also taught her how to dab.

@sparkeletran is a nuisance and must be stopped

the 70$ pile of high school musical merch. sagan and beo both wear the t-shirts sometimes. she hates it. don't let her attitude fool you though this is actually the best and most important ongoing joke in this whole damn thing.

the first handcuffs stint. they’re gone now but they had a good ~30-post run, and she did take to learning lockpicking because of it.

this.

hey. guess fucking what lads. handcuffs ROUND TWO 'cause y'all just don't fuckin' quit. the first mini story arc sorta thing, in which she visits the cirque des cartes and has an aggravting encounter with taliesin. [currently ongoing][hopefully soon ending]

[[redacted for ""spoilers""]] due to said encounter with taliesin

sparkeletran is a nuisance,

"the official annie of the stars instagram is just cat memes but with sagan" it's canon but i haven't decided whether it's something she would have had already or a recent thing. [either way, hasn't been touched on yet due to the arc taking so long]

badart annie is sorta like her own thing at this point but nothing that happens with her is canon; she p much just shows up for exceptionally dumb posts. we did give her noclip though which is terrifying. on that note i may as well include the things that are Not canon but y'all won't let me forget

beo's animated belt thing. look. it doesnt talk.

spray-on boots.

the lawnmower weapon

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh homestuck

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel upset today because there is a continual expectation for me to put myself out for other people and get next to nothing in return as they ask for everything. and if i ask for something, it just goes ignored. 

i’m tired of my work being devalued. i’m tired of people just taking it for granted and using it to their own benefit. i felt nothing but anxiety and animosity at the last show our group put on because i was knowingly bullied on more than one occasion by another member and then forced to put on a show with them - and was even questioned why i might pull out my art. 

i was going to perform at this event. but as the weeks passed i realized i was putting in more work than anyone else and when i asked for certain things, they were ignored or put off. and yet there was an expectation for me to complete something for them ‘asap’. this made performing for the first time really devalued. like sure, i worked hard to create the event but why? what was the purpose of this? it was never to bring anyone together, it was never to showcase anything but the organizers themselves and the lack of good promotion means the likelihood of selling something at a venue not known for after hours shows and not joining our marketing is pretty low. 

i am 27 years old now. i have no fucking desire to put on shitty teen shows that are half assed thrown together with a bunch of my friends. thats not what this is about for me - it lacks a certain amount of organization and class. it lacks a curation in performers. i thought i might be the worst one - and that’d be okay. they cant all be winners. but now it’s just open mic - and if i really wanted to perform at a open mic, i’d go to a real one. if i’m going to do a large amount of the work - outside of meeting with the owner one time and putting up 5 flyers on street poles - i want the results to be worth the work i put in. and IMO it’s not. it’s mediocre and thrown together. 

and i feel a personal insult about this because of how much work i put intothe group itself. ive dedicated time on a semi regular basis to all the admin work, the promotion, keeping social media active, posting new submissions, fielding a majority of the questions and i’m not asking for praise - i’m asking for people to respect the work i’ve done. don’t come in and draw on it with magic marker and tell me its acceptable quality when theres folks painting in oils. i dedicated time to create an entity that could be used and harnessed; i ask for the quality of our output to match whats already there. 

and i think it’s asinine that i would hve to argue doing better than average. if this is just a hobby or random activity for you - fine. it’s not serious. you’re not serious. none of this matters. but it was presented as serious. it was presented as a showcase of people’s craft. there is no effort into making it somewhere one would wnt to be. we’re all going for the ~decor. we print posters because we want to see our name on a poster in the street - not becuse we’re really advertising an event. it was acceptable that the only people in attendance would be the performers and a few of their friends. acceptable!! that’s an unsuccessful house party, in my opinion. 

you know whats missing  locally? proper use of social media to network between people. it’s impossible to find other artists in the area unless you scour through obscure hashtags. but yet theres dozens and dozens if not hundreds of artists in the local area. this means you get stuck in one influence and within that influence you may be chastised for going against the “norm” of their influence. instead of new ideas being welcomed, they’re constantly turned down or argued against. 

i’ve met all of the people i know through facebook and instagram in my art world. thats a very powerful tool.i know models who only book through instagram. and ive had arguements about the use of hashtags. as if theyre not relevant. 

i’m tired of questioning what i know. tht honestly gives me the most anxiety. and its not like im tired of questioning what i do - its healthy to question your actions - but what i know and believe makes me feel unsure of myself and the skills i have. i have had experience working in the creative industries since i was 17, freelancing. and i have a wide variety of skills in graphic design, retouching photos, photography of models & landscapes & products, glamour modeling & product modeling (of which i’ve done for dozens of photographers in the local area), web design & blogging + knowlege of e-commerce platforms, wordpress, seo, promotion & marketing both online & offline, i’ve sold crafts online for almost four years and switched my primary creative tool from artisan crafts to trditional & figure art that i studied & practiced extensively for over two years, i have skills in copywriting & journalism, i have a handle on the basic laws of creative works & how they can be used, basic knowledge in building & selling a brand, communicating with clients & customers (of which i’ve had no complaints in regards to my communication - ive had complaints about shipping because post offices are not so nice), creating organized file systems which can be used by multiple people -- i have paid my dues. i am still growing, absolutely. i am not the best at any of the above things i listed. i could be even better. i could spend two hours today on one of these skills and be better than i am right now. i can always be better.

but just because i can be better doesnt take away from what i know now, what i have learned, what i have studied - like i took the time to study and read up on research and marketing & promotion techniques. a good portion of my first shop was spent reading about how to sell stuff, not so much making stuff to sell. as i did not realize at the time how much work went into being successful online. and i did not realize until my shop closed how i had taken that skill for granted - because i had done all that work & effort, it was able to pull in a few sales a month with little to no effort now. if i worked harder, maybe i couldve been even better. 

i also (un)willingly have worked full time as an artist and only an artist for at least two years. this is the “luxury” ive been allowed in  life even though i am the definition of starving artist. i didnt have it as a part time job or hobby - it was something i did every single day and i marketed & promoted for hours a day. an acquaintance of mine upon hearing of my mental state now told me that i had gone so hard for so long - and i kind of appreciated that he saw that on the outside. that someone could see that i actully did work incredibly hard. that i was dedicated.. that i AM dedicated. 

i’m not saying any of this makes me better thn anyone else or knowing more - it just means i’m experienced. i am very very experienced in not only practicing a craft but marketing that craft to sell, displaying that craft in it’s best light, knowing the best places to sell. i also work in quality over quantity. i am not interested in doing 9  - 10 shows a year. i’m not interested in shitting out  5 - 7 paintings at a time. it means before i touch anything to paper or canvas or wood - i’ve thought about it. i’ve really, really thought about it. i didnt just sit down and throw paint on the canvas. i couldve been thinking of this image for days before i do it. or the craft itself - my bone jewelry came because i absolutely neded to make a necklace out of fish bones i found and they needed vials attached. why? i dont know. but it just needed to be. 

when i started the group, i asked about names. i didnt choose a name or dictate the name. i was given a suggestion by someone i actually dont like at all and was given a reson for why he felt it was a good suggestion and i agreed because business-wise it was a good suggestion. i respected that he hd different ideas and experiences that shaped that suggestion that i did not have. i learned through it that i should expand my reach - both in my personal creative life and my ‘business’ creative life. 

my ~partner was disappointed i wasn’t going to perform. i could tell it was frustrating and dissappointing to him because i think he thought it wouldve been good for me and that i would hopefully find something in it that would bring me something. and through his disappointment he told me that it wasn’t totally right to drop out of something you planned to do or that peopl expected you to be at.

but i’d like to turn that around - my partner is someone who also puts himself out for others on a regular basis. and for a long, long, long time he was fucked around and fucked over by many people. an old friend came to his door and asked to borrow money and he allowed him to despite knowing he might be a drug addict now. he had no obligation to this person but it was like since he was asked, he should. and i think if he lerned to say no, or learned to walk away from an unhealthy situation, he would be happier as well. i’ve learned first hand the benefit of walking away from something toxic. and you will feel misplaced guilt for a bit, i feel some guilt now but it’s for the best. 

i try to think how i can change my perspective on it but i cannot. i wold not walk down the street if this was held in the local gallery, nevermind 20km away. like once i took myself out as a performer i realized i wouldnt even want to go. i dont want to see anyone perform but my partner; who will already be subdued because of the venue. ive been completely taken out of the organization of the event - despite having been continually involved in the promotion and a few conversations since the lst one where i said i didnt want to keep doing this. so ive deleted my advertisement efforts online andi’m just halting any further promotion on my part of this event. i’m 97% sure i’m personally not even going to go. i no longer ant to see half of the people there on a personal level so it’s not even worth going to to hang out and i dont care about displaying my art.