#i have not been diagnosed with anything (body dysmorphia! an eating disorder! nothing) so this is simply the raving of a mad man

[cassy-bunny]

TW: body dysmorphia, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, mental health, trauma.

Sometimes I feel really pretty, and other times I feel really ugly (face and body dysmorphia).

Less than a year ago, I thought I was so ugly that I wanted to end my life; even though people told me I was pretty or that I had nothing to complain about (in a positive way).

When I felt especially ugly, I started restricting my food intake because I wanted to be thinner. I ended up undernourished and looking more sick than slim. My face was puffy, probably because of what I was eating. I would literally spend HOURS staring at myself in the mirror, analyzing every part of my face, and comparing myself to other girls; whether they were my age or younger. I couldn’t even bring myself to do anything else.

Then I started EMDR therapy (which I'm still doing). I reshaped my eyebrows, because I felt they made my eyes look heavy. I also changed my clothing style, my facial expressions, and I stopped wearing makeup because it made me look older.

My body is now very slim, but in a healthy way, and I only use a bit of tinted lip balm on my lips and sometimes on my cheeks.

Along with some other changes in my life, I do feel better about how I look. But I still have moments where I feel ugly. I’ve come to realize that how I see myself often depends on my mood; especially when I’m sad or tired.

I haven’t really opened up about my past on this blog yet. I’m not sure if I will; maybe just bits and pieces, but not everything. My life has been difficult since I was 2 years and 9 months, and I’ve lived with diagnosed depression for most of my young life. I don’t think I’m currently depressed anymore, I feel like I’m in a better place mentally now, even if there are still challenges in my life at the moment˖⁺‧₊˚🕰️🕯️🍂

[hobaworld7]

MYG - Insecurities (TW) (M)

Pairing : reader x idol/yoongi

tw: mention of eat!ng dis0rder, body dysmorphia, weight and insecurities about reader's body, like b!g or feeling not enough. there is also a lot of fluff.

PLEASE : don't read if you are underage or are struggling with ed because this could be triggering*

I feel like i'm in the right place to write about that, i've been medically diagnosed with anor3x!@ and went to many therapies for my ed. so please be comfortable to get help if you struggle or you can always talk to me, my dm are open!

a/n: I wanted to write this one since a while, so here i am a 10pm when i have to wake up at 5am tomorrow, but hope you'll enjoy and please comment some request!

disclaimer : BTS or Suga doesn't belong to me. The scenario does. Remember that it's only an imagine. I also took some of his quote about body positivity because it fits with the story. I'll put them in italic, so you know that they are not mine.

LISTEN TO THIS SONG IF YOU NEED A REMINDER OF HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE!

________

You've been struggling a lot lately. One year ago you were diagnosed with an eating disorder. You've went to therapy and since have been follow by a psychologist and your doctor. It was doing well, you've improved a lot but you were still feeling fragile. A little thing could be triggering enough to put you in some bad habits again. Summer was coming and even if your psy kept telling you to love your body that it does so much for you, just the thought of wearing and seeing yourself in short or crop top in front of people make you sick.

Here you were, in front of your full size mirror. You've tried at least 6 outfits. Nothing was okay. Your thighs were a little too big and you didn't like the way your arms fit in all of your tops. At this point, your bedroom was a mess and you were at the breaking point. You got out of your clothes, put on one of your boyfriend's hoodie and decided to call him.

-Y/N, is everything all right? I'm waiting for you at the studio.

-Yoongi, nothing looks good on me. I feel fat and ugly. I don't have anything to wear. I tried 6 outfits. I just can't get out of the house today, sorry my love...

-Babe, put anything that feel comfortable and come to the studio please. Take that long sleeve of mine that you love seeing me in. Wear it. You would look beautiful, as always, in it.

-Yoonie, I really don't feel like going out...

-Please jagiya, I'll wait for you now.

He hung up before you could say anything. He knows it was the only way to make you go out of your apartment. You went to his wardrobe, grab the long sleeve he was talking about and some legging too. You put your favorite white adidas shoes and some sunglasses before heading out. You were feeling shitty but you know you had to go see your boyfriend to feel better. He had a whole pm planned for both of you. You took the bus to his studio.

_ _ _

-Babe I'm here!

You knock slowly on the door and open it after hearing him telling you to come in. It was a little studio with all his instruments, some screens and a couch so he could rest during the busy days. You always love coming here when he was working on his album.

You hear him talking over the phone so you decided to get cozy and find your favorite spot on the couch under a blanket. You were scrolling on TikTok when Yoongi decide to come lay on you like a big bay, his head resting against your chest.

-Hello beautiful baby girl. What do you wanna eat?

-I don't feel like eating...

You wrap your arms around your belly. It was a bad day.

-I know, but you still have to take a bit or two. Now please, tell me what you wanna eat?

-I don't know, some ramen would be good?

-Perfect babe, i'll order something.

He kisses your forehead and go order food. You were a little hungry actually. But the eating disorder was like controlling your thoughts and after that body-hate morning, you didn't feel like you could eat. Like you were punishing yourself.

But Yoongi was amazing and understood how you were feeling. That's why he was forcing you to eat and get out of your apartment. He wanted you near him so he could watch over you because it was a bad day.

____

After you ate and he did all the work he had to do for the day, you both went home. You were feeling a little bit better. Once you arrive at your place, Yoongi went to the dressing to get changes and you went in the kitchen so you could grab something to drink.

-Babe! Y/N! Come here please.

You hears Yoongi scream from the dressing room. You let your coffee on the counter and went to the walk-in. When you open the door, you saw that he cleaned all your mess of the morning and took off the sheet that was covering the mirror. It was a full length one and he put on the sheet a week or two ago when you told him you felt ugly this day.

-Come here baby.

He reaches out for your hand. You take his hand and he slowly drag you near him. He put his hands on your shoulder and turn you around so you are facing the mirror.

-Baby, please not today..

You put your hands around your body.

-Please, let me do something okay?

You mumble as an answer. You knew he was stubborn so if you let him do what he wanted to do, it would be easier then try to leave right now.

-You are so beautiful baby.

He puts his hand on your hip and slowly pull up your hoodie.

-Raise your arm baby.

You slowly do as he said and he then slowly undress you. You were now only in your bras and legging. You rapidly put your arms around your body and turn to face him.

-Please babe, can I leave now?

Yoongi put his hands on your cheek and lift up your face toward him.

-Trust me with that okay baby? You are so beautiful and I love you so much. I just want you to know. I wanna tell you over and over again how perfect you are. Now turn around and look at yourself in the mirror, please.

You turn around slowly and he put his index under your chin and lift up your face so you can see your reflection. He cover your neck of kisses and put his hands back on your hips.

-Look at that beautiful body. He's so precious.

He take off his shirt and trow it away. Then his hands are on your hip and his lips on yours. As he kisses you, he undress you of your legging.

-I don't want you to loose weight. Just imagine, one gram of your beautifulness leaving your body. I wouldn't be able to live.

He goes sit on the couch that decorate the corner of the room. He take your hands and once he's comfortably sit, pull it so you can sit on him, facing the mirror. He start kissing your neck and shoulder. His hands touching every parts of your exposed skin. His mouth was devouring your skin. Your eyes close, just taking all this sweetness and pleasure in.

-Open your eyes baby. Look how beautiful you are.

You start feeling his lips, sucking and gently bitting your skin. Probably leaving marks all over your body like he loves to do. You didn't really mind, honestly. Yoongi loved it so much, seeing his passages on you so it kinda turned you on.

-You are so pretty baby. Look at your body. Reacting so much under my touch.

Both of his hands were touching your body and you were shaking under his touch.

-Y/N, I love you so much. You are so amazing. You are so beautiful. Please never think you aren't enough or not pretty enough. You're a piece of art.

___

If you want to read more, here is the link of my masterlist : https://www.tumblr.com/kimtaehyung-taetae-writing/710423978560421888/masterlist?source=sharethank you army!

[thatmultifandomhoe]

The Size of a Heart

Pairing: Lee Hoseok (Wonho) and Reader

Word Count: 9,919

Genre: Established Relationship AU - Slice of Life AU - Smut - Angst - Fluff

Overview: Between work and obtaining an MFA, it had been too long since you and   Hoseok had gotten to spend more than a few hours together, let alone be intimate with each other. When he whisks you away for a well-deserved   weekend getaway, just the two of you and no one else, you eagerly jumped  on board, and him. But when you wake up alone left with your thoughts,  unable to escape the insecurities you once put behind you, this weekend  changes your relationship in a way you hadn’t even hoped for.

Warning: Tattooed Wonho, Pierced Wonho, messy kisses, Wonho is a hoe for the reader’s boobs, size kink - body insecurity, body dysmorphia, talk about dieting, talk about starving, talk about binge eating, fasting, self-hatred, self-conscious, use of the term fat in a negative view – explanation of the butterfly project.

A/N: This drabble was perhaps one of the hardest fics I’ve written, and that’s because this story deals with something that I’ve struggled with for many, many years now. With that being said, one of the many things this story deals with is body dysmorphia.

For those who are unaware, body dysmorphia or - Body dysmorphic disorder - is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or  flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by  others. I am stating this right now, I have never been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, but I have done many of the things that are mentioned later on in this fic.

This was not an easy story to write because I put in my own experiences with being self-conscious, with hating what I see in the mirror, with seeing an image of myself that isn’t what others see. To be honest, I’ve also left out a lot of the things that I’ve done because of that. There were many moments were I had to stop and walk away from this fic because it was so hard to read the things the MC is going through, and knowing that I did them, that I still do. It’s not easy.

This is just a heads for those who may not be comfortable reading such things. And that’s perfectly understandable. For those of you do decide to read this fic, well, I hope you enjoy. I really do. There are moments that made me laugh, so I promise it’s not all angst lol. I really do.

Master List:

Music Playlist:

Part of the Intimacy Anthology Project

©thatmultifandomhoe 2020. Do not repost, translate, or use my stories without permission.

The sky was burning as the sun set for the night, cloaking the city in its familiar darkness. Leaning against the side door, you watched the world blur by from the passenger seat of Hoseok’s car.

Only half an hour earlier did you get a text from him telling you to pack a bag. Somehow, he managed to clear his own schedule, and knowing that you were free as well, he decided that the two of you needed a getaway from reality for a few days, even if it was only to his place. The best of it all, was the promise of spending all day in his bed.

You and Hoseok had only been dating for six months at this point, and while sex with him wasn’t a new thing, this was the first time that you were going to be spending a weekend with him. With all the hours that he put into his tattoo shop, and you working on obtaining your MFA while still working full time as an assistant to a family run law firm, more often than not your schedules didn’t line up. Work and school dictated both your lives, making it near impossible to spend more than a few hours together.

Despite living in the same city, the two of you relied on video chats and messaging apps to stay connected as if it was a long-distance relationship.

Which is why once you had received his text about his plans, you had rushed around the apartment, ignoring the strange looks your roommates gave you as you ran to your room, throwing in clothes from the closet without a second thought and those lacey bra and panties that had been waiting for their moment to shine.

Three nights. Two days. Alone with Hoseok sleeping next to you, was all that you needed and wanted to do. There were no plans whatsoever that involved leaving his bed.

Shifting in the seat, the corners of your mouth lifted when seeing Hoseok glance at you, his eyes lingering on your bare legs as you straightened them out more. He was driving one-handed, the other resting on the console, fingers intertwined with yours as he rhythmically rubbed the back of your hand with his thumb.

“Won’t be much longer,” Hoseok said, lifting your tangled hands to kiss the back of yours.

You hummed in agreement, watching the corner of his eyes crinkle as he smiled and chuckled, glancing up at you before focusing back on the road. He had asked for you to be ready to go by seven, that way there wouldn’t be much traffic to deal with.

“You sure you won’t have to work this weekend?” You asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hoseok nodded, kissing your knuckles once more and keeping them against his lips for a few extra moments. “I promise, love. I made sure not to book any sessions.”

Adjusting in his seat, he shifted his knee against the steering wheel, the clicking of the blinkers going off as he pulled into his driveway. Your smile widened as you let go of his hand to gather your purse and backpack, prepared to open the door when the lock sharply echoed in the car. There was no time for you to react because the next thing you knew, fingers were gripping your chin and turning you to face Hoseok. For a split second, his sneaky grin took up the majority of his face before his mouth descended onto yours.

His plush lips were soft against yours, and while he had given you a quick kiss when you had left the apartment, you had been too excited about being with him to be able to properly enjoy it. Now…the bags slipped from your fingers, a dull thud barely registering in your mind as you cradled the back of his head. Briefly you felt him smile, but when you leaned further into him, his hands sliding their way down and around your frame as the kiss deepened.

It had been so long since either of you kissed like this. Usually you settled for soft and sweet, occasionally indulging in his games when he would try to pull you back for a chaste kiss, then another, and then one last one, I promise, until you had to rush to get back to the office or class.

Hoseok tugged on the bottom of your shirt until it was freed from your jeans, eagerly sliding his palms over your back, trailing each bump of your spine and leaving your body shivering with his sudden touch. Threading your fingers through his black hair, you lightly tugged on the locks, his sudden groan shooting you straight in the heart.

“Been too long,” you murmured, shifting in the seat so that you were sitting on your knees in the seat, and for the first time ever, hovering over Hoseok as you leaned back down, hungrily kissing him.

When was the last time the two of you were able to lose yourselves in each other? Without worrying about work and projects getting in the way every single time?

There was no warning from Hoseok except for a squeeze of your hips when you felt yourself becoming airborne for a few brief seconds, finding your new position to be straddling his hips. His hands felt like they were everywhere, lost in the taste of the mint gum he must have chewed earlier to do anything more than moan when his hands slipped into your back pockets to squeeze your ass.

Taking advantage of your open mouth, he slipped his tongue in, grip tightening on your ass as he felt your hips rock against him.

Even with the AC on, the cold air did nothing to cool your body temperature, making the already warm summer day hotter inside the car. Although you knew who to blame for that sudden change.

Your heart was racing as the kissing continued breaching into desperate lust. Your chest was aching from the lack of oxygen, but you refused to give in to such a simple thing like air. In your opinion, this, kissing your boyfriend, was far more important despite how much your lungs were disproving this decision.

It didn’t help that despite being on his lap, space between you and the steering wheel were tight. Needing something to hold on to, you slid your hands up Hoseok’s chest, gripping the sides of his leather. The sudden pull on his jacket had him moving forward, and with your minds preoccupied, neither of you realized the consequence of that action until it was too late.

The horn blared in your ears, jolting the two of you apart at the unwanted noise that only stopped when Hoseok tugged you off the steering wheel and against his chest. For the short moments afterwards, the outside world fell silent, your chest heaving as short gasps escaped from trying to catch your breath. Palms placed firmly on Hoseok’s chest, they moved with him as he tried to regulate his own breathing, and it was there that they shook with his shoulders, his giggles starting out soft and adorable before growing loud.

His laughter was infectious. So much so that you found yourself resting your forehead on his shoulder, cheeks aching from smiling and laughing so harshly. The longer that you sat on his lap, a dull ache settled in your knees, but there was nothing in this world that was going to make you leave his arms, the very ones that were wrapped around you with one of his hands cradling the back of your head. He held you just tight enough to reassure you that he was in fact here and holding you, that this wasn’t just another hopeful dream.

“Are you okay?” He said, his voice light with his giggles.

Nodding, you leaned backwards to look at him, eyes smiling as bright as his smile. “I’m fine,” you reassured, stealing a glance behind you to make sure that you didn’t hit the steering wheel as you shifted on his lap.

 His soft pink lips were darker and his hair was disheveled from your fingers. Reaching you, you gently fixed the messed up looks, missing the way that his laughter turned to only the occasional giggle, his face softening as he gazed at you. Before you could remove your hand, Hoseok was taking it in his, fingers automatically lacing together with yours as he bumped his forehead against yours.

You closed your eyes at the connection, catching the faintest scent of crisp apples attached to his clothing. It was fresh, yet reminded you of his shop at the same time. He must have come straight to your apartment from working on a client.

Inside your chest, your heart didn’t race, instead it slowed down, comfortably beating as his nose softly brushed against yours. As much as you had missed the passion and his kisses, out of everything, it was the simplest of innocent touches, his familiar presence that you craved and missed so dearly. He had a way about himself that was able to turn the mood up to a hundred, and carefully bring it back to normal.

“How about we leave this car,” Hoseok murmured, his palms resting on the small of your back. “I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend our little vacation inside the house.”

As perfect as this moment was, he was right. The ache in your knees had grown along with a minor fear that if the two of you kept this going in the driver’s seat, that you would once again be getting a rude greeting from the car horn.

Lifting your forehead off his, you raised an eyebrow at him. “Anywhere in particular inside?”

The corner of his lips twitched again, bringing back his smile at full force. “Wherever you want to be.”

A scoff left you too easily. Pushing off of him, you undid the lock and with his hands steadying you, got out of the car and headed in the direction of his front door. A summer breeze kissed at your heated body, the leaves from the trees shaking from up above as small lights blinked in and out around the yard like miniature falling stars. It had been awhile since you last saw fireflies. They were childhood memories and nostalgia that had you diverting from the original plan of going inside, content with staying out for a little while longer.

When a pair of arms wrapped around your frame and hands settled on your hips, Hoseok’s head leaning against yours, it was easy to picture this moment happening over and over again every summer. While it was a little shocking how easy it was to imagine, nothing felt more right than this. Maybe not always right in this spot, but by his side was where it felt perfect. Where it felt natural.

Lips nibbling at your neck had your eyes closing, easily leaning against his body as you were brought back to reality.

“Didn’t know you were into public stuff,” Hoseok teased, sucking at a particular spot on your neck that had you gasping. “I’m not sure how my neighbors will feel about that though.”

You swatted at his thigh, feeling his lips curve upwards before he pressed himself completely against your backside, allowing you to feel every inch and curve of his body. Shifting in his embrace, your eyes widened upon feeling something else pressing against your ass. One that brought back more mildly more recent memories and weren’t childhood friendly, saliva building up and forcing you to swallow.

“Maybe…maybe we should go inside.” you suggested, voice barely above a whisper as you tried to remain calm, taking a shaky breath despite wanting nothing else but to continue.

Hoseok hummed against your neck, leaving one last kiss. Straightening up, he winked and tapped your ass, leaving a hand on your lower back to guide you to the house, all as if he wasn’t walking around with an erection or that he had riled you up. Like this was normal for him.

It only took seconds.

Fifteen seconds to get inside his house. Ten seconds to kick your shoes onto the shoe rack he had, and only five seconds for Hoseok to spin you around and bring you close enough for him to kiss. Like in the car, the lust was quickly ignited once more as you tried to keep up with him, wanting to taste and feel more of him. You wanted him, in every which way possible, to the point where it was an overflowing pot, and yet, even then it wouldn’t be enough.

You would never be able to get enough of the man that was Lee Hoseok.

With an ease that still surprised you, Hoseok gripped your waist and picked you up as if you weighed nothing, making you wrap your legs around his hips to bring you closer. Once he had you like he wanted, he secured his arms around you and carried you away all while keeping the kiss going.

He walked with a clear destination and kissed like he was the devil coming to collect his debt, personally bringing you to Hell’s gates where you knew that only his touch would run hotter than its fires.

A chill erupted along your spine as blankets and pillows gently encompassed your body, only then did the kiss break, chest heaving as you tried to look around the room, but when he nibbled on your shoulder it was game over. You moaned, taking a moment to indulge in the feeling before reaching up to push his leather jacket off. He barely removed himself from you to take off his favorite clothing piece, but he tugged it off and only ended up lightly biting your skin, eliciting a gasp from you.

“Sorry love,” Hoseok murmured, kissing that spot oh so gently that it questioned whether or not his lips had actually touched the skin.

“It’s fine,” you chuckled, tilting your head to kiss him once again.

When Hoseok kissed you for the first time it was after your sixth date. At first you had thought it was strange that he would wait so long for a kiss that most people gave out after a second or third date, but he had never been one to rush things, and by taking his time, it had made that first time all that more special. They had been addicting back then, and as he took you to Paris in the comfort of his room, you found yourself never wanting to stop.

Shirts were quickly discarded and you managed to get Hoseok on his back, taking the advantage of straddling his waist to leave your own love bites around his neck, kissing your way down his sternum, feeling each and every shaking breath that he took before hearing his groans.

A black and grey scale of a lion took up the majority of his chest, strands of its mane peaking up onto his shoulders and the base of his neck that always teased you when he wore a shirt. Due to how large the piece was, the mane covered his pecs, practically hiding the silver bars of his nipple piercings. A dare he had gotten back in his younger years. When he told you that story it was always with a smile. Free piercings and jewelry, I just had to prove I had the balls to go through with it.

A deep moan sounded from above when you kissed his nipple, the metallic taste of the piercing lingering on your tongue, his fingers digging into your hips as he tried to grind himself into you. It only succeeded in sending the fire that was boiling straight to your heart, your nails raking down his sides and causing him to flinch at the sensation.

“We can tease the fuck out of each other later,” Hoseok groaned, undoing the button of your shorts with quick movements. “I’ve missed you too much to wait any longer.”

As much as you enjoyed worshiping every curve and groove from his muscles, he was right. Releasing his piercing, you leaned back up to steal a kiss that he readily accepted. His palms trailed up your body, almost wrapping around you as he rolled you on your back and slipping between your lower half.

Breaking the kiss, Hoseok messily kissed down the valley of your breasts, his fingers making quick work of removing the offending shorts off your legs and tossing them to the floor without a care to where they landed. The bra didn’t last much longer. Once your breasts were free, he descended on the left one, sucking and licking the nipple as he fondled the other, forcing a gasp from you as you felt your underwear grow damp.

The blankets were bunched up and shifting towards the edge of the bed, and when he suddenly let go of your breast, the air in the room suddenly too cold as it made contact with the wet mess he left, you let go of the blankets and chose to hold on to his shoulders when he latched on the right nipple. As if not wanting to let it feel left out, he ran his thumb over the saliva he left, spreading it over your boob.

“Hoseok,” you whined, back arching off the pillow.

He hummed around your breast, lips curling up until he released you with a satisfied grin as the corners of his eyes crinkled.

“Sorry love,” he murmured, messily kissing you again. “Couldn’t help myself.”

“Take off your pants if you’re so sorry,” you said, raising a leg to push at the jeans that clung to his body.

“Gladly.”

Pushing himself up, his black bangs fell in his face as he worked on removing his pants, the belt clattering against itself as it fell to the floor.

Wetting your lips, you watched, unabashedly drinking in the way your boyfriend had built himself up from all the late night and early morning workouts he did at the gym, even occasionally slipping one in during the middle of the day. All his hard work and protein shakes had paid off, even with his odd obsession with eating ramen at random times.

However, as he went to push them down, you quickly leaned forward to trace the black cursive letters that were tattooed near his abs and v-line, right above the band of his jeans. He didn’t have this the last time you two had sex, and there was no memory of him mentioning getting another tattoo.

“Monsta…X?” You read aloud, glancing up at him.

His smile widened but he didn’t speak, settling for only raising a single eyebrow.

Of all the things he could have gotten inked onto his body, this was perhaps the strangest. Usually he only got tattoos that were important to him. The lion on his chest was symbolic to protecting those he loved. His entire upper left arm was a nightlife scene with bright colors of Seoul, South Korea to represent his home country, and underneath that on his forearm was a small bouquet of yellow daffodils that appeared as if the flowers had grown right out of his wrist, they were so realistic.

Everything had a meaning, so what was so important that he had to get those words tattooed? Especially in a spot that made it impossible to not steal a glance at his…

“You named your dick Monsta X?” You gasped; eyes wide as his body shook with his laughter. “Why?”

“Why not?” He giggled, continuing to remove his pants.

Your mouth opened and closed repetitively, but a slow grin overtook your face and you shook your head, just as amused if not even more than Hoseok was. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“I mean…” Tossing his pants away, he winked as he reached over to the nightstand drawer and pulled out a foil, setting it on the bed next to you as he sat on his knees, his thigh muscles stealing your attention briefly when they flexed, the bulge in his briefs almost straining against the fabric. “You always call it that anyway.”

The sudden laugh was ripped from your throat and you hurried to cover your mouth with your palm. If it weren’t for the fact that he was grinning – his eyes met yours for a moment and his smile softened, almost daring to dip into shy territory before he cleared his throat - and you knew that he had a sense of humor, you would have been trying to fix what you said. Besides, it wasn’t like he was wrong either, it had just been the last thing you expected him to say.

“Now that we got that out of the way,” Hoseok said, still amused while lifting your legs together in one hand as he removed your damp panties with the other, tossing them like a basketball towards the door despite your halfhearted protests. He quickly discarded his own pair without a second thought and after rolling on the condom, with no warning whatsoever he tugged on your legs to bring you closer to him and in-between you once more.

Leaning down, he captured your lips in another kiss. This one, unlike the others, was slower, more sensual as he took the time. Despite the heated impromptu make out session in the car, it still felt like forever since the two of you had last been together. Not just intimately, but in the simplest, and loving ways.

When the kiss finally broke, there were a few beats where the world seemed to stop turning as you gazed at each other. Even though it had only been six, glorious, months with Hoseok, the thought of it one day coming to an end was nonexistent. With him, it felt like you were right where you belonged.

He stole another kiss, then a second, but could one even call it stealing when you’re just as eager to kiss him? As the kisses continued, fingers trailed down your hip and thigh, feeling it grip your leg and moving it around his hip before repeating it with the other.

The night was long, but as the sheets twisted in your grip, you knew it was going to be everything and then some.

Shifting against the sheets, you pressed your face further into the warm pillow, the blankets tucked around your body, ensuring that at no point would the chilled air reach you. Not wanting to move around too much, you stretched a hand out to the side, hoping that Hoseok would feel you moving around and pull you close. He always ran warmer than you, even going so far and to tease about you using him as your own personal heater.

Instead, your fingers wrapped around cold sheets.

The difference in temperature had you yanking your hand back to the safety of the warm cocoon you were wrapped up in as you tilted your head. Blinking, you saw that the side where Hoseok should have been, was neatly made up, with only a single wrinkle from when you tried to feel around for him.

“Hoseok?” you said, wondering if he was even still in the house.

He had promised that this weekend was for the two of you with no interference from anyone. Including work and school. Holding the blankets to your chest, you took your sweet time sitting up. The sunlight that was streaming in through the blinds and decently sheer curtains blinded you for a few seconds, forcing you to tilt your head away from the window. Although in only a short time were your shoulders relaxing as the sunlight warmed the bare skin.

Now that you were up, you were able to see that the floor had been cleaned up from last night’s reunion, the clothes that neither of you had gave a damn about where now in the hamper by the bedroom door, and your purse and backpack were sitting on the leather desk chair with a red silk robe folded over the back. It was the exact opposite from the night before. The only exception was the missing Hoseok.

Yawning, you ran a hand through your hair, recalling the way that Hoseok had brushed the locks away from your face to kiss you. The corner of your lips curled upwards, and you had started to lay back down on the bed, the warmth of the blankets coaxing and teasing the possibility of a few more hours of sleep, you spotted a piece of paper on his pillow.

It was folded in half with your name written carefully on it with a heart, bringing a smile to your face before you had even read it.

Morning love, I promise I didn’t sneak off to work while you slept. I told you that nothing work related would interfere with our weekend, and I’m keeping it that way. So you’re probably wondering where the hell I am then. Don’t worry, I just went to the gym nearby for my morning workout. I should be back by noon, unless you’re still asleep by the time I return, then this letter will be pointless.

Either way, I’ll see you soon.

Always,

Your Muscle Bunny.

Despite the fact that he was still gone, a grin appeared and you were pressing your face into the pillow, still holding onto the letter as muffled giggles filled the room. He was never going to let you live that down, but even then, it was so true.

Hoseok was without a doubt jacked up and he took the time to research, spending hours understanding the muscles that he wanted to work on and finding the best exercises to achieve that. Making protein shakes in bulk. There had been many conversations where you’d ask and he’d go on and explain it all to you. At times it made you wonder why he never became a doctor.

But then there were those moments – the rare times the two of you managed to find time together – and he’d be the one tugging you closer for cuddles, sometimes laying on top of you with his head resting on your chest while watching a movie and playing with his hair. When it was hard to find time to meet up for dates, instead of going home to your roommates, you found love letters addressed from him, each one handwritten asking how you were and catching you up on his life. They were personal, each one containing a faint whiff of his cologne, sometimes little mementos that he thought you might enjoy, a slip of poetry or even ones he created himself. Every one you received was carefully placed in a box that you kept on your dresser, more often than not rereading them when all-nighters were the only way to get work done.

He was buff and strong, but at the same time he was soft and didn’t care who knew.

A true muscle bunny.

Rolling over on the bed, you set the note on the nightstand, making a mental note to save it for the memory box when you got back home. The clock had revealed that it was only eleven in the morning as you got out of the bed, quickly nabbing and covering yourself with the robe before going anywhere else.

Without having Hoseok home, the place was quiet as your footsteps papped against the wood floor when you went down the hallway to the bathroom. If he was at the gym then he’d be hightailing it to the shower, unless he wanted to be mean and give a sweaty hug, and you wanted to take advantage of the hot water before he got back. Living with a group of undergrads to try and save money had come with many pros and cons, but the true loss had been the long hot showers you treasured. It was a luxury if you were able to snag fifteen minutes without someone banging on the door.

The fact that he had written out a note instead of sending a text kept the smile floating as the water heated up, your favorite playlist playing loud enough to be heard from down the hall. It was the little things that he did that made you wonder if it was right to tell him those three special words. Since the two of you started dating, it was impossible to imagine yourself with anyone else, and while you didn’t want to jump the wagon and declare that you were ready for marriage, being able to say I love you and hear him tell it back to you, sent butterflies dancing in your stomach.

Reaching in to check the water, you hung the robe on the hook, glancing at your reflection in the mirror. Purple hickeys dotted all over your body, primarily centering around your breasts and neck. Unable to help yourself, you stepped closer to the mirror as you let down your hair, tracing the shape of the marks that he had left out of love last night.

When you thought back on it, he had been so focused on your breasts, his hands remained on either your hips or your face, tilting you constantly so that he could kiss you in whatever position he put you in. But never once had they touched your stomach. Eyes falling to your torso, the lack of any curves had you biting the insides of your mouth, ignoring the dulled pain as you swiped away the fog that had gathered on the mirror.

At least, you thought they had been out of love.

There were no curves. It was just a square. You were just a square. No wonder Hoseok had ignored your stomach last night. He was constantly working out and even with his abs and broad shoulders, his waist still had the slightest curve that was obvious when he wore tight shirts, giving his body the appearance of an upside-down triangle. He put in the time and effort for his muscles and here you were, just a square.

Your workout routine? The most of a workout that you got involved walking on campus to get to each class and then your car for home or work. You couldn’t remember the last time you had carved out a set amount of time to go to the gym or do a home workout. There was barely any time to yourself.

The hot water raining down on you was a momentary distraction from the thoughts swirling around. It only lasted a few short minutes. Like wildfire, they ignited memories and beliefs that you swore you had locked up and burnt to ash years ago. Especially when you have been doing so well recently.

Numbers of a scale rapidly spin each time you stand on it. The black and white numbers playing wheel of fortune as they decide your fate for the night. Did you lose? Or did you gain? The cards were always held by the ringmaster that was the small scale and whether or not they were what you originally wanted; they were never good enough when they were finally dealt out.

It was never enough. Never good enough. You always had to push it and even then, it wasn’t enough. The image you saw in the mirror convinced you to take smaller portions of meals, pushing the hours in-between meals before suddenly cutting off eating after a certain time, because the way your stomach twisted in pain and begged for some sort of substance had you convinced that it was working.

Days. Weeks. You’d be so good at keeping up with it, but there was always a hiccup that sent you plummeting in a spiral. It could be a snack, a small cherry tomato or even a cracker, and the next thing you knew all the containers were on the counter as you shoved whatever you could down your throat without a care in the word. Even then it wouldn’t be enough. It was never enough. You’d be eating, but your stomach would feel like a bottomless pit because you were so hungry. Hungry to the point that you wouldn’t be able to recall what the food you ate tasted like.

Then the scale would be mocking you all over again.

Leaning backwards against the wall, the water from the showerhead made it impossible to distinguish between the tears sliding down your face. You just pressed your lips together, just staring at the floral shower curtain that was hanging up, the shampoo bubbles sitting in your hair as you remained still.

You have been doing so good lately. The past hadn’t even been lingering thought and when Hoseok entered your life, everything just seemed to be falling in place.

Yet here you were, standing in the shower with water that was steaming but you felt nothing, rehashing old thoughts that were crawling their way through any empty space that was available. The tiniest crack of an opening was all they needed to enter uninvited.

He didn’t know about this. Hoseok. You had been so good with eating, no longer cutting back or bingeing that it never crossed your mind to tell him. But as you moved under the water to rinse out the suds, your fingers grazed the hickies he had left in his place. All over your chest and neck. Avoiding your stomach. Your thighs were barely even grazed. Everywhere but your stomach.

He knows, you thought, pressing the heels of your palms against your eyes, gasps and whimpers filling the bathroom but drowned out by the music as you cried. There was no other way to explain it. He saw what you used to see, what you still see. The square. Nothing more than a body with rolls that hung on you. It was a miracle he was able to still have sex with you last night. How could he be with someone like you when it was so obvious that he put effort into maintaining his own body.

Body on autopilot, your hands went through the motions of washing out your hair and then applying conditioner while your mind detached itself from the mundane task at hand. The idea of him seeing you like this, with no shape at all, what you considered to be a square...no. A square was too nice of a term. You were not a square. A glance through the opening of the curtain let you see your reflection in the mirror, and your eyes watered up once again. Not a square, you thought. A blob. A fat, overweight blob, taking up his time and space.

Twisting your hair, you stared at the locks as water poured out before abruptly shutting it off, fingers gripping the handle that controlled the temperature as you pressed your free palm against the wall. The bathroom was like a sauna. Even after with the water shut off, the room was hotter than hell.

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to push away those thoughts. They were leeches clinging to the inside of your mind and no matter how much you pulled, they weren't coming off. In a daze you manage to straighten up and get out of the shower, wrap a towel around yourself and hair, all while biting down on the inside of your cheeks in an attempt to push them away. When you looked up however, the smear mark from when you wiped the fog off the mirror was still there, allowing you glimpses at yourself. For a split second you saw bloodshot eyes stared back and purple hickeys staring at you, but you looked down towards the floor to hurry out of the room, unable to push those thoughts and images away.

That’s because it’s you.

That blob is you.

It’s you.

Last night was wonderful. Beautiful. Perfect even. But now all you could think about was how Hoseok had avoided certain areas of you on purpose. That perhaps, he didn’t think you were as beautiful as he thought.

You didn’t recall changing. One second you were entering the bedroom in nothing but a towel and the next when you looked down to grip the fabric tighter, you were dressed in one of his black t-shirts and a pair of panties you had packed.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, the towel fell from your fingertips and in an attempt to hold on to something, anything to keep you from floating away, you slid them over your face and into your hair, twisting and gripping the locks until there was a hard ache on the side of your scalp.

“Go away,” you softly whispered, tugging a little hard to make those pesky leeches leave you. “Please go away. Please”

They needed to go. Disappear. It didn’t matter if you had to burn them to a crisp and leave behind a permanent scar. You just needed them to go away, because spiraling was not an option. Not again.

The house was silent when Hoseok arrived, his keys jangling together until he closed his fist around them, making him wonder if perhaps you were still asleep. A small smile formed as he quietly toed his shoes off, the first destination in his mind was to go to the bedroom and see if you were there.

Last night, neither of you had gone to sleep, or truly slept, until dawn had begun to peep through the curtains – because apparently the night didn’t last forever like the two of you had thought. A fault that was perhaps all on him and he should have known better. He was supposed to be older, wiser, more experienced, but how people liked to forget that he was still a man only in his twenties. Just…later in them.

But as he neared the bedroom, he remembered full well how you had wrapped your limbs around him, coaxing him back for more, kissing him not only on his lips but in everyplace where his skin wasn’t dotted with purple love marks from you.

Since he wore tank tops to work out in, the marks had certainly left an impression on the guys at the gym, receiving more head nods and grins than usual. The older man at the jewelry store however, had been less impressed. Then again, that could also be because Hoseok had gone straight there after working out, skipping out on his shower to pick up his order before the store closed for the day.

Not exactly the best decision that he’s made in life so far.

Carefully pushing open the bedroom door, his smile softened upon seeing you curled up on the bed. Not wanting to disturb you, he quietly set the box on his nightstand and left the room, going straight for the bathroom to shower.

As much as he would have loved to tease you, you didn’t deserve waking up to him smelling like dried sweat.

However, he frowned upon seeing the floor mats placed on the floor and condensation covering the mirror, droplets of water covering the entire surface of the bathroom. He turned to look down the hall, but he couldn’t hear any movements or your voice calling out his name.

Maybe she was still tired even after showering, Hoseok thought, shrugging it off as he shut the door behind him, hoping you hadn’t used up all the hot water.

Water dripped from his hair as he entered the bedroom, the towel tightly tied around his hips and confirming every single imagination and daydream. A glance over at your body revealed that you hadn’t moved at all in the time that he was gone.

Smirking, he kneeled on the bed, moving until he was behind you, pressing a hand on the mattress in front of you to maintain his balance while he leaned down to kiss your neck.

“Wake up love,” Hoseok murmured, dragging out the kisses as he took his sweet time in trailing them up to your jawline, last night once again reclaiming his mind. It was a joke to even consider that it had left in the first place.

He wasn’t going to lie and say that he hadn’t missed the sex when the two of you were apart more often than not, sex was great, amazing, otherworldly and even more with you. But that wasn’t even number one on his list. More often than not, he missed being able to sling an arm around your shoulders or waist to bring you in for a hug. The way that your fingers would run through his hair when you thought he was asleep, and the way your eyes always lit up when you talked about something that happened in your classes. Or when you would bump his leg with your foot to ask him about a word that was just on the tip of your tongue, but just conveniently out of reach at that second. It was always a simple word, but the way you exaggerated your arm motions while trying to describe it were fascinating to him.

Hoseok missed you.

Feeling you shift underneath him, his lips curled into a smile as he lifted his head, prepared to give you a kiss that you deserved, only for that mindset to suddenly change when he saw your watery eyes.

That was not how you normally woke up.

The last time he had seen you crying after waking up was when you had gotten your period in the middle of night. It had been a week early and the cramps came out of nowhere, leaving him clueless with what to do but willing to do anything to help ease the pain. Which meant a late-night run to the twenty-four hour convenience store, looking at a picture of the brand of pads you used on his phone, along with buying your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream and the big bottle of Advil.

He already had a heating pad at home for days when he overworked himself and his muscles got sore. Before leaving for the convenience store, he had set it up for you.

“What’s wrong love?” Hoseok asked, shifting so that his weight was on his left hand behind your back, hovering over your body to try and see your face better.

Before he could do it for you, you were quickly wiping your face with the heels of your palms. “Nothing,” you hurried to say, moving to sit up with the mindset of rushing out of the bedroom to make a run for the bathroom, hoping he would believe that it was a simple eyelash in your eye.

But he was too quick for you, his hand gently capturing your wrists and moving them down as he cupped your chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Baby, it’s not nothing. What happened while I was gone?”

Sniffling, you shook your head. No. Why would you point out the obvious? He knew what you looked like. He saw. So why was he playing this game with you?

He sighed at your stubbornness, but that didn’t mean he was going to give up. Not caring if he got the blankets and sheets wet, he settled down beside you and slipped an arm underneath your body to roll you over and into his embrace where he securely wrapped his other arm over you. Once you were nestled in, Hoseok rested his chin on top of your head, drawing a lazy shape on your back, patiently waiting for the moment that you found your voice again.

The second Hoseok hugged you, the back of your eyes burned and you tightly squeezed them shut, not wanting to see anything, an old way to tell yourself that if you couldn’t see, then you wouldn’t have to see what was being reflected back at you.

But wrapped up in Hoseok’s arms, with his heart beating like a sweet lullaby, arms strong enough to fight off anyone who tried to hurt you, even he was unable to find and protect you from the leeches that forced you down the path that was littered with the broken glass and bloodstains that was your past.

His heart broke at the sound of your cries echoing in the bedroom, feeling the tears slide down his chest as he rubbed your shaking body. There was nothing he could do or say to make you feel better until he understood what was happening. All he could do was be here to hold you until you were ready.

Time passed by slowly, but at some point, the tears began to dry up, and the gasps for air had calmed down, allowing you to be able to breathe normally again. The only time you had physically moved was to cling to Hoseok, despite not wanting to tell him what was swirling around in your mind, you didn’t want him to leave you.

A blob.

You’re just a fat blob.

Do you really need to eat lunch today?

“Make it stop,” you whimpered, fingers clenching on the pillow behind Hoseok as your fist dug into his back.

His body jerked at the new bump but he ignored that, choosing to focus on what you were saying. You didn’t know it, but the entire time you had been crying, tears had fallen silently down his cheeks as he watched them fall into your hair. He hated seeing you in pain.

“Make what stop love?” He softly asked, moving a hand to be able to stroke your cheek.

“My mind,” you cried, not yelling, but your voice cracked as the emotions swirling inside you forced it to raise. “Please, make it stop. Shut it off, anything, please.  Please, make it stop!”

If the world was to crash down around him, Hoseok knew that it would only take seconds, or even minutes, for it to crash and end him. Six months ago, you had agreed to go on a blind date set up by a friend of yours who had gotten a tattoo done by Hoseok. It had been a spur of the moment, neither of you really searching for anyone, but the thought of being in the company of another person instead of alone had tempted both of you enough to say yes.

Six months ago, you became his entire world and here you were, crashing around him, begging for him to stop whatever it was that was going on in your mind. Something that he had no feasible solution for. If he knew how to fight the demons that only you were able to see, he’d do it in a heartbeat. But he couldn’t, and knowing that, had him feeling like he was failing you in every possible way imaginable.

Gently, Hoseok shifted your body and moved you next to him on the bed, and when you tried to look away, he cupped the side of your face with a tilt in his direction. There was no avoiding in seeing the pools of tears building up and over his eyes.

“Tell me what’s wrong love,” he whispered, stroking your cheek once more. “You’re scaring me, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.”

God, he was hurting. You hadn’t expected him to react in such a way.

Lie. Tell him you’re fine. He’ll believe it if you believe it.

You’re fine.

Everything’s fine.

Wetting your lips, you repeatedly opened and closed them, feeling like a damned fish unable to breathe and in search of water. Instead of suffocating, you were drowning.

“I…”

An ache built up in your stomach, reminding you that you truly hadn’t eaten anything since last night. Twisting and curling, the sharpness of running on empty was the cold kiss from a toxic lover. Memories of binging on food after midnight cuddled you from behind, weighing you down with iron shackles locked around your stomach.

“I…”

Skip lunch, eat a little bit of dinner so he won’t worry.

Tell him that you’re fine.

“Please love,” Hoseok begged, his fingers smoothing back locks of hair that had begun to fall in your face. “I can’t help if you don’t tell me. You don’t need to carry this by yourself.”

Lie dammit.

“I’m starving,” you whispered, watching his eyebrows pull together, fingers pausing on your skin but you reached up with a shaky hand to cover his, gripping tightly. “It hurts. So much Hoseok, but I don’t want to eat. I tell myself that it’s better if it hurts, but I…I can’t anymore…I can’t.”

The leeches were shrieking in your mind, white tips of a burning fire were touching them and they were dropping to the ground, yet the fire didn’t hurt one bit. For the first time in so long, the shackles of your secret came undone allowing you to step away from the broken path you had set yourself on.

Hoseok had turned his hand to run his thumb across your knuckles, the realization of what you meant hitting him. Eyes watering up, he opened his mouth to speak, only there were no words that felt right. You were hurting so much right now, the last thing he wanted to do was say the wrong thing without meaning to.

But like a dam that had suddenly burst, the words that he couldn’t find, were flooding out of your mouth. “I…I was so good, better than I have been in years, but last night and this morning, it was one thing after another and I couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t stop my mind from going there and it was all I could think about and I…I don’t want to think like that anymore. I don’t wanna be that person anymore.”

“Last night,” Hoseok softly repeated. What had he done the night before, a night that he had thought was so perfect, that was able to nearly cripple you this morning? The idea that he hurt you without even knowing it made him clench down on the inside of his cheeks.

You shook your head, knowing that you weren’t saying it right, implying that it had been his fault when it hadn’t. “While you were gone, I was showering and I…it’s so fucking stupid, but I saw my reflection and your note saying you were at the gym I just, I just started comparing myself to you. You’re always working out, doing what you can to stay fit and it was like years of self-hatred suddenly came back, reminding me of how gross I was, how fat I am and I couldn’t stop it…it was like once it came back it wasn’t going to leave and I – ”

Except you didn’t get to finish. Between the tears once again clogging your throat and Hoseok yanking you back to his chest, his shoulders shaking as he started crying because there was no way in hell he was able to hold it in anymore. The words died off, but you both knew where it was heading.

The fabric of his shirt that you wore wrinkled under his hands, the soft fabric of the towel that he wore grazed your legs. How it hadn’t managed to come undone from all the moving around was a tiny thought that stuck inside your brain.

“Don’t.” Hoseok’s arms tightened around you, almost painfully, but his grip was in only one arm as the mattress dipped underneath your bodies, and the next thing you knew he was pulling you to sit on his lap as he sat up with his back against the headboard. His eyes were rimmed red, cheeks flushed. There wasn’t a time where you recalled being able to compare his eyes to an ocean. Not until now at least.

His chest was heaving as he leaned his head back against the wood with a soft thump, bottom lip trembling while trying to form together something to say. Words. He needed words. “I…you never…not once did you say anything to me.”

“Because I was good when we met,” you cried. “I hadn’t been doing anything, and I’ve been so good this entire time, but this morning it was like…like I was suddenly drowning in it because it’s always been like this, always coming in waves. And I wanted to start it all over again.”

Despite how much it hurt, how hungry it made you, there was that painful satisfaction of seeing the numbers go down on that evil scale. To be able to wear the clothes that you never could before. The way your stomach aches and cries out at one, two in the morning yet you deny it the simplest thing it wanted, because for a period of time, you were the one in charge. You had control over what was happening in your life and it…it was fucking addicting.

“But you’re already so small.”

The tears had slowed down, always slipping down his cheeks faster when he thought of how long you’ve been hurting, and he had never known.

Bottom lip trembling, somehow, you managed the weakest of smiles, voice cracking as you spoke. “I know.”

You always had been, but the reflection you saw in the mirror, never was real. For years you were purging yourself of a you that never once existed.

The person that Hoseok saw when you thought he wasn’t looking, the one who gently swayed to her favorite music, who had a love affair with words and their meanings but more often than not forgot them. The woman he saw who, on their third date hurried him over to the park to watch the fireflies dance in the night sky because they were the only type of bugs that you liked, and the woman who he reached out for when waking up first thing in the morning even if he hadn’t spent the night at your apartment, was not the same one that you saw.

You saw a version of yourself that you hated, so much so that the only way you would be happy with your reflection, was to destroy yourself.

Instead of speaking, Hoseok simply hugged you tightly to him, resting his head against yours as he felt you curl yourself around him. To say that this wasn’t how he had pictured this morning to go was a mild statement, but as he left a gentle kiss on your shoulder, he simply wanted to love you, and show you what it was like to be loved.

Time ticked by slowly, but when Hoseok finally lifted his head off yours, the tears had stopped falling leaving his eyes itchy and dry. He barely glanced at the clock on his nightstand. Instead, his gaze went to the black jewelry box he had set there. With everything that’s happened, he forgot that he had even picked it up.

“It’s – it’s not my place to tell you what to think,” he softly said, reaching over to retrieve the box. He felt you shifting and knew that you were watching him, a glance at you showed the curious frown you wore. “But I think you’re wrong. To me, you’re not gross. You’re not overweight. Ever since that blind date, six months ago, you’re the only woman who I care about.”

Without any ceremony, he held the box out for you to take, gently smiling and nodding when you looked up at him as if to ask if it really was for you.

Carefully, you opened the lid, feeling your heart nearly collapse at the sight of the necklace that delicately laid a bronze gold heart on the white fabric. On the side sat a tiny firefly, and in the center in elegant cursive read, ‘You’re the reason why my heart beats.’

“I love you,” Hoseok finally confessed. Lifting a hand, he brushed the hair back out of your face, his fingers gently grazing your cheek as he did so. “All I want is for you to be happy, love. You mean the world to me, and I want to help you through this. To me, you’re the most beautiful woman in the world and I wouldn’t change a single thing about you, but now that I know that’s not what you see, then I’ll help you. So that one day, you might be able to see what I see. Whenever that may be.”

His image blurred once more. Instead of hiding your face from him, or wanting to get away in general, you reached up to pull him down for a kiss despite the tears. Each one was short and sweet, but like an addiction, you kept going back for just one more.

Even if he didn’t understand it completely, or maybe he did, but he was willing to learn to help, because that wasn’t a life you wanted anymore. You just…you just didn’t know what to do, or how to do it by yourself. Not when those leeches were able to corrupt such an amazing night in seconds.

Hoseok wasn’t one to break away from a kiss but this time, he leaned back to take the necklace from you, undoing the clasp and hooking it on for you. The heart rested right in the middle of your chest. Right where it belonged.

“Now, I know I promised to not bring home any work,” Hoseok said, gently wiping away a few stray tears on your cheek. “But I remember you talking about getting that tattoo done one day. If you want, I can do it for you.”

“I never decided where though.”

His eyes softened. “I heard someone talking about this thing called the butterfly project. The idea is to draw a butterfly in the place where you’d hurt yourself, and by having it there, it’s supposed to help stop those urges. Maybe…maybe we can do something like that.”

The room fell silent.

You had been wanting to get your fireflies tattooed for years now. They were a favorite reminder of a simpler time. When the world was kind and beautiful and not harsh like you had painfully learned it to be. Sitting here with Hoseok, he served as the reminder that despite the hurt, there was always hope nearby. Whether it was from him, the world, or even deep within yourself.

Hope and love had a funny way of coming together in the darkest hours of our lives.

The tattoo gun buzzed loudly in the kitchen.

Hoseok pressed his lips together, eyebrows pulling in concentration as his gloved hands skillfully moved the machine while he began the process of outlining the cluster of fireflies on your thigh. When this was all over, there would be fireflies flying around at dusk on your body forever.

It was something you loved, in a spot that you passionately disliked, but even now you smiled. Because how could you look at something you loved with hatred?

None of this was going to be easy. Gazing at Hoseok, a small smile appeared. Perhaps he felt your gaze on him, but as he lifted the gun to wipe the area, he glanced up at you. A soft smile instantly appeared.

This wasn’t going to suddenly fix things. That was far from the truth. But that was okay because in reality, that was life. There was the good, the bad, and everything in between that got thrown at you.

Life isn’t perfect, but with Hoseok…it felt like it was.

[korezlee]

Ayo, TW// I talk about weight, body image, body dysmorphia, EATING DISORDERS

Im not gonna tag the SuperMega tag cause it’s a lot and it’s a “downer” lmao

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WOOOO BOY I’ve been wanting to discuss or talk about this for awhile and I saw a mutual make a post about it so now I feel kind of safe and validated to talk about it too:

Ok so kinda off topic but this goes into what I have been thinking for a long time but IKKKkk ik comments under SuperMega videos when it’s live action mean well and don’t mean anything by it, but it’s always bothered me when people comment about Ryan losing weight.

Like at first it seems very light hearted and nothing too deep. It’s just a nice little “hey look Ryan lost weight! (Because he always brings up how he is self counscious about his body/weight etc.)

I relate to Ryan a lot and obviously many other people do to, I relate in the sense of not always being comfortable in one’s body and having some kind of body dysmorphia.

The thing is though, his weight fluctuations make me kind of concerned and I wonder if others follow behind that as well. Like ik it’s none of my business, I’m just a viewer and I only know as much as they (Matt and ryan) want their audience to see.

But putting two and two together makes me feel kinda icky.

Ik they’re human, and they’re not perfect, but the way they talk about food and eating sometimes makes me like... not want to listen to it them anymore lmao.

Like Ryan talking about not eating all day, (and Matt,) or trying something to lose weight is kind of triggering to me personally, and of course, it’s their YouTube channel, blah blah blah, I can choose to not watch them, but I think I just wanted to shed some light on it either way?? Idek I think it’s good to critique people you follow/look up to whether they want to be or not because their job is being on social media essentially, so I feel I can have a say and have an opinion on the matter.

I tend and have gone through weight flucations over the past... my whole life I guess, haha. Not just a few or several pounds, but I’ve been pretty plentiful in weight range. I wouldn’t say (nor have I been diagnosed with and eating disorder,) but I have relaizes recently that I have/had the tendencies of one.

I think sometimes they don’t realize that while yes talking about and venting about their struggles with food and body image and what not is valid, BUT it’s interesting because it seems like they don’t realize that how they’re talking about it is toxic? I don’t wanna say that because I have an obvious bias towards them, but it’s weird realization when you hear people talk about something and you’re like “do they not realize that’s like not good and they probably shouldn’t be talking about it that way?” But idk if that just my ego talking?

In essence, it just feels like they forget sometimes that while most of their audience are college students, a lot are teenagers too. (Not that college students can’t be affected as well, but they’re not are kids.)

Like... I’ve been watching them since I was 15, and my stupid little 15 year old brain hearing that stuff probably didn’t help with my issues as well too.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. On one hand I wanna be like “I’m being ridiculous and if I don’t like it then I should just stop watching it OR ignore it,” but on the other, I feel as if this goes deeper and is a fundamental flaw in them I suppose that unintentionally inflitrates into their young audience due to the normalization of diet culture and eating habits especially in America.

I don’t know if I have to go into examples of what I’m exactly talking about but I guess I mean this... *here’s a made up and simplified example of what I can recall just from memory*

Ryan: I hate my body

Matt: why you look great you’re not fat Ryan

Ryan: but I feel like I am and need to lose weight

Matt: but you’re not fat

Ryan: yeah but I still feel gross

Matt: but you’re not fat

*talks about not eating all day and then inevitably talks about losing weight in the same breathe, making the connection whether they had wanted to or not that not eating much obviously = weight lost. And then praising it.*

It just feels kinda not fucking good when it’s implied that being fat is gross or not good.

Like I feel bad listening to that shit cause I’ve gained weight back from losing it, and sometimes I think would they think I’m gross for gaining weight ya know?? And I think if a teenager who already probably has low self esteem hears that (or adult, using teenager because more impressionable,) it’s subtly telling their viewer that yes being fat is gross and not eating all day is admirable.

My rebuttable for this is my head are people saying “but Matt and Ryan usually say that they feel like shit and it ISN’T healthy.” Yes, they usually do joke and comment about their habits not being the best. I’m not saying they’re the end all be all role models for young people either, but I just think it’s something to note when they don’t explicitly say it’s bad, but it’s implied that it’s ok and normal.

I don’t necessarily blame SuperMega for not recognizing this or even really seeing a problem with these conversations, I do think it just shows how human and flawed they are and in a way trying to relate to those that have similar problems.

Again, I do know this problem goes wayyyy beyond them, and they are also part of out society where diet culture has been placed onto them and normalized.

Idk if anybody is reading this, but take it with some salt I suppose? Has anyone ever had this problem while watching and browsing their content? It’s something that I always think about but never talk avout because I feel bad for pointing out that Ryan’s weight loss is “bad,” because it’s none of my business. (The connection between that and how they discuss their eating habits and insecurities makes me think they are connected. I don’t want to say that it the CORRECT assumption to make, because I could and probably am wrong hopefully. I don’t want to come off as purely bashing to dude for wanting to look and feel better about himself.)

And if I do recall, I think I remember (I can’t remember if it was them,) saying that commenting on someone’s weight loss isn’t good because you don’t know how it was lost.

(I think I’m thinking of someone else I have no idea.)

Anyways, just trying to always looks at them in different lights instead of just praising them?? Yea lol.

Maybe I’m projecting my insecurities onto fucking YouTubers way too much but I do think that there are other people that would agree with me, but if not please let me know because I would interested to see those that think differently than me.

[jspwellness]

let’s start by getting v vulnerable.

Do you know how Lizzie McGuire always kept a journal about her young teenage life? Well, so did I. Except I didn’t have a sassy animated character offering her feedback. + I think that’s something that has always helped me - writing out all the things and reflecting. I’ve wanted to start a ~blog~ for a while, and you know what? Let’s get started.

It’s been quite a year. And by quite, I mean an AWESOME one. I’d like to owe it all to the fact that I got a job I LOVE (I did) or I spent another year with my #1 supporter and best husband ever (I did) or that I just had such great time with my family and friends (which I also did). But you know why I did? Because I decided that I would stop putting it off + go to therapy. Ugh - I did NOT want to do this. Even though it’s kind of ‘trendy’ (is that the word? uh?) to talk about self-care and how incredible therapy can be, I’m not an influencer, I have a ton of shit on my plate, and WHY would I need therapy? I came from an INCREDIBLE upbringing, with loving parents, never had some insane trauma happen that I can think of, and it just didn’t feel like I ‘needed it’.

I hate saying that. Like I’m ‘above’ getting help. But, alas.

But let’s get this straight. I was NEVER above therapy. I had constant body dysmorphia, probably since age 4. I decided to become a ‘vegetarian’ in college, pretty much to justify the fact that I only ate special K cereal and ate about twice a day. My perfectionism ran my life - After graduating college and not being able to obsess over grades anymore, I became completely obsessed with a career that completely destroyed me. Worked alllll the hours with none of the appreciation. I have constantly been running from one thing to the other, hating that my life wasn’t what I imagined.  Got the job of my dreams, and lost one point in an audit and had a nervous breakdown and panic attack because I “let everyone down” and that’s when it hit me. When does perfectionism become something else? When is it not being “type A” and it’s high key just RUINING your life? Friends - this is a thing. Afraid that when all is said and done, I’m wasting my life and never will feel like anything I do is good enough. Never feeling like my life is what I “imagined”. 

In May of 2019, I was at wits end. Crying in therapy, I felt lost. What was happening? How can your life feel GREAT, but you feel like nothing is ever good enough at the same time? Like you know things are good, but they feel so...not? My therapist looked at me, and told me what I never thought I would want to hear: “Would you ever consider taking medication - like, ever?”

I don’t take asprin. Don’t get me started with synthetic fragrances, because I CANNOT. Dryer sheets are toxic and my husband would probably get ripped apart if he even thought about bringing them into the house. Medication? I couldn’t. Its against everything I “believe” in and I don’t “need” medication. What did I ever go through that would make “ME” need medication? It seemed like it wasn’t even an option.

I was diagnosed with OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - and honestly started laughing. WHAT? I don’t tap, I don’t count, I honestly throw my clothes on the floor sometimes and don’t think twice. But I’m not a doctor, and I figured maybe I was missing something. VERY hesitantly, I went on medication and was planning how I could get off of it ASAP because medication wasn’t something I ever “wanted”. And you know what? It has changed my LIFE. 

Why am I saying this? We live in an all or nothing world, fam. Either you eat junk food all the time and are one of those “omgosh I eat like a pig! LOL” girls or you’re restricting yourself hardcore, then eating 2 sleeves or oreos and feeling bad about it for 3 weeks. Our culture makes it SO hard to balance doing things that don’t fit into what you THINK you’re supposed to be. I’m super wellness focused, and will sniff all the oils all the time, but you know what? I’m on meds because without them, my life is just foggy. I love doing things to help others and am conscious about so many things, but you know what? I love fast fashion and am not always thinking about purchasing clothes that are “organic” and ethically sourced. It can be one, and still be the other. We don’t have to choose. I love collagen powder and drink protein shakes and free range meats, but don’t give me twizzlers because I don’t CARE what is in them. No regrets.

I’m not one thing. I’m not one idea. But I don’t have to be, and neither do you. And if you’re like me, then you’re in the right place.

Welcome! 

xoxo.

[namjuicyy]

Three’s A Crowd - Chapter Four

Masterlist | Requests are open.

Genre: Angst, fluff, smut.

Genre of this part: Angst.

Word Count: 3k.

Summary: Your childhood friend shows you a whole new world, but no one expected what came afterwards.

Warnings: This chapter is going to get quite dark. If you are triggered by anything related to depression, low self-esteem, body dysmorphia, addictions and eating disorders, I would highly recommend not reading this chapter. I also want to add that I am not a doctor, and I am not seriously diagnosing Jimin with an eating disorder. This is just for the purpose of my story. Do not read too much into this.

Thank you. Please enjoy.

No one realised there was anything wrong until it was too late. It wasn't through lack of love because Jimin was surrounded by people who loved him. He was just getting good at lying to those around him convincingly. Jimin couldn't exactly pinpoint where everything was going wrong. All he knows is that he would look at himself in promotional photos and photos of him during childhood and see a person who looked like him, but wasn't him. He was bigger than he should have been. Everyone else around him was slim and well-built, but Jimin had puffy cheeks, and his abs weren't as defined as they could have been.

Take Jeon Jungkook, for example. Since debut, Jungkook had only been getting bigger but in the best ways. His shoulders were getting broader, his biceps were much thicker, his chest was more defined as were his abs. His thighs were man thighs, and his voice was so much deeper than Jimin's. Jimin envied that. Jungkook was a man, and next to him, Jimin felt like a scrawny little nobody. And on the flipside, though Yoongi wasn't exactly buff, he still looked good because he was small. Bigger was only better if you could see muscle. And Jimin couldn't see the muscle on him – not as he wanted to.

It started becoming out of control when Jimin would stay at the gym longer than his members. Jungkook would hit the showers, too tired to continue and would leave Jimin alone, believing his promise that he was going to finish this set and he'd join him too. Jungkook was at Hobi's studio long before Jimin had worn himself out and was standing in the shower. He could barely stand, could hardly wash himself. He was that tired and his muscles hurt. But it was fine, he told himself that it would all be worth it in the end.

"I ate earlier." Was the phrase that would often come out of his mouth when his members tried feeding him. When staffs would arrive at dance practise with snacks and sweets, Jimin would hang back claiming he'd eaten too much at lunchtime and that he needed to work on this one bit of dance anyway so he'd just continue with that while everyone else ate. Knowing he was a perfectionist, his brothers shrugged it off and continued eating, paying him no mind, believing that he'd eaten a lot. Jimin would do that occasionally. Sometimes he'd order three paninis for lunch instead of one, because he could decide on the flavour he wanted. Or he'd help himself to an extra bowl of ramen or rice because he felt like the first two helpings didn't hit the right spots. And Jin always looked at him so happily when he saw his dongsaengs doing that. It gave him a feeling of pride that everyone enjoyed his cooking that much. So, of course, they gave Jimin the benefit of the doubt and left him to it. But again, he would stay later than everyone else to practise the latest choreography just so he could get it perfect for Army – and for himself.

He'd learnt to fake a smile so convincing it was easy to trick his loved ones into thinking that everything was okay, that there wasn't anyone in his head telling him he was too fat, that he didn't see a monster every time he looked in the mirror. He had dropped his meals down to one a week, purely because he searched on Naver that that was the minimum a person could eat without dying – that was, of course, provided the person wasn't as active as Jimin. His trips to the gym frequented until he was going once in the morning and once at night. He was on the wrong machines, doing cardio when he shouldn't have been, but he didn't realise this. He kept dancing and dancing and dancing until he felt like he had nothing left to give. He was losing a lot of weight and noticeably so, as Army had commented on it. He was getting mixed reviews, but of course he listened to the wrong half of Army. The one side that praised his weight loss and commended him for his hard work.

Army had no idea what he was going through. Had they known, they would have sent him well wishes and told him that he looked perfect regardless of what the scales told him. Well, most of Army would have anyway. But, of course, Jimin had managed to hide it incredibly well from his members, who lived with him and saw him on a daily basis. If hiding it from them was easy enough, keeping it from Army was child's play.

His body finally gave out on him one day during practise. He'd missed too many meals, worked himself too hard. And in the mirror as they all practised, they watched as Jimin collapsed to the ground, falling unconscious before his body had even hit the wood. They were terrified. How could they not be? Their brother had just fainted on them and they had no idea why.

When Jimin woke up, he was lying in a hospital bed with his brothers around him, looking incredibly worried.

"The doctors told us you'd been starving yourself, Hyung." Jungkook said. He was angry, visibly so. But this anger was born out of pure, unadulterated fear for the health of his brother. This hit Jimin harder than the others being angry at him, purely because Jungkook's age was the same as his younger brother's. Jimin had always coddled Jungkook because of how much he and Jihyun were similar. "Why?"

"Jungkookie," Yoongi began, "anger isn't going to solve anything."

"Isn't it?" Jungkook's voice was a little louder now. "Because he almost died, Hyung. If we'd have gotten angry earlier then maybe this wouldn't have happened."

"I'm so sorry." Jimin whispered. He was already starting to cry.

"You're sorry? We could have lost you today! Why, Hyung? Why would you do this? What good would it possibly do? How would we cope without you, huh?"

"Alright, big guy." Jin began. He wrapped his hand around Jungkook's bicep and started to pull him out of the room. "Let's take a walk, yeah?"

Jungkook, for lack of a better term, was dragged out of the hospital room kicking and screaming. He was livid. No one had ever seen him like this before. Hell, they hardly saw him cry. Yet there he was, himself in floods of tears, screaming at his brother for his reckless behaviour. Jungkook wasn't the type to show it easily, but he absolutely adored his hyungs, and this incident put in perspective just how fragile they could be, and that thought terrified him.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Jimin kept muttering. His heart kept shattering into a million pieces as he clutched onto Taehyung, who had taken it upon himself to rest on the bed next to his best friend and wrap him up in a protective hug. Jimin sobbed into Tae's neck, violent, choking sobs with his voice cracking as he tried to speak. Yoongi couldn't take it anymore, his own throat threatening to betray him. He took his leave, wandering into the bathroom so he could cry silently and not have to watch Jimin's heart rip to shreds.

Hobi had gripped hold of Jimin's leg and stroked it gently, tears forming in his own eyes as he tried to comfort his dongsaeng. Namjoon was holding onto Jimin's shoulder, trying his best to comfort Jimin too. There wasn't anything they could do, not until Jimin stopped crying at least. But even then, what could they do? There was obviously something going on in Jimin's head, and whenever that situation arises, there's nothing any outside source can do besides offer a shoulder to cry on and love. Words don't matter when you're breaking from the inside out, words can't save you.

When Jimin had calmed down a bit, they were all much gentler than they had been before. Jungkook had also calmed down, and had clutched onto Jimin's hand and refused to let it go. Even when Jin handed him a drink, he still refused to let go of Jimin's hand, opting for someone else to open the cap of the bottle rather than let go for a split second.

They were in the hospital for hours with Jimin, not talking about the thing that landed him in there in the first place. They wanted to cheer him up for a while. Or at least distract him until you came.

Jimin had no idea that you'd been called. He'd been out of it for about 12 hours. Not because of the initial collapse, but because his body lacked so much energy he just needed to sleep. So when he woke up, Taehyung's hand had been replaced with yours, and it was your face he first saw. He immediately started bawling again, completely disappointed with himself for letting you down like he did. You were his one pillar of strength. It was to you he usually turned to when he had a tough time. But even with this he felt like he couldn't talk to you about it, because he knew what you'd say. And he hated that he'd worry you.

You cried with him, hugged him to your chest and rocked him slightly like a baby. "Come on, Chim-Chim." You said gently. "Get them tears out. I've got you. You're safe."

The guys made fun of each other in an attempt to make Jimin laugh, and it worked for a while. He smiled and giggled along with you all. But, of course, the elephant in the room needed to be addressed.

You clutched onto his hand and rubbed it with your thumb. You looked him in the eye, and you softly spoke to him. "Chim-Chim, we need to know, why did you do this to yourself?"

Jimin, through tears, finally opened up and told you all everything. He spoke about the monsters in his head, the voices that told him he was worthless and pathetic and nowhere near as talented as everyone else. He compared himself to everyone, and clearly compared himself to Jungkook but refused to say his name because he didn't want to make Jungkook feel worse than he already did. He told you how he didn't look like himself – nor feel like it. And because of that he was scared of letting everyone down so he kept this to himself for months and months until his body keeled over and he almost lost his life.

Everyone cried as they listened to Jimin, and Yoongi even stayed in the room this time, something he never did. That really hit Jimin. He knew Yoongi was soft and sensitive, but he'd never seen Yoongi break like that before. He'd never seen you break like that before. The kisses you gave him were wet because your tears wiped off onto his face, all over his forehead and his cheeks. Like Jungkook, you didn't want to let go of his hand. You were too afraid that he might slip away so you had to keep him grounded.

Jimin, when he was released, went into therapy, and had you come in and sit with him during all of his sessions, holding his hand as he was diagnosed with bulimia and a gym addiction. And, within days, packages arrived at his house filled with books on his condition so you and the members could study it and get used to it so you could best help Jimin.

Numbers didn't exist to the house now, except for record sales and in regards to music. You all stopped letting Jimin go grocery shopping, and with every packaged product you bought, you blacked out the calorie count and the nutritional values so that he wouldn't see what he was eating. You started giving him small portions of the food that either you, Yoongi or Jin had cooked, and incredibly slowly, you gradually gave him more and more food to build his strength back up.

He was never allowed out of the house alone, and especially not to the gym. You, who loathed gyms, joined them so you could sit and watch Jimin, and discreetly timed him so that he still worked out as he needed to for his health, but did so at the bare minimum. You did this every day until Jimin could be trusted again.

And with the dance practises, you always made him eat something. Even if it was just a cookie or a handful of nuts, he was to eat something so that he could gain just that little bit of energy.

And when you found out, via Namjoon, that Bang Shihyuk wanted the boys to go on a diet, you flipped. No one, not even Jimin, had ever seen you that angry before. You stormed into his office and told him exactly what you thought of his plan and precisely where he could shove their diets. He was confused until a sheepish Jungkook pulled you out of his office to explain what happened. Bang PD apologised and abolished the idea of a diet for the time being, but couldn't lie that you'd made him pee his pants ever so slightly.

After that, to make sure that you'd stay in the country for longer than your tourist visa would allow, he hired you as the "Official Translator". He had to do everything above board like advertise the job and interview people, including you, but you got the job and bought a small bedsit not too far away from the guys so that you could see them every day and not have far to walk when they didn't offer you Jimin's bed for the night. Or Jungkook's for that matter. Though, to be honest a majority of the time you were in Jimin's bed cuddling him to sleep.

There were a few relapses to begin with. Jimin, being terrified of gaining weight, would look up the calorie intakes of branded food on Naver so that he could make the decision to attempt to skip meals. But his first attempt became his last as you threw the wooden spoon you were cooking with at him, and stole his phone while he was distracted. You put it in your bra, a place you knew he'd never get into so that he wouldn't have internet access, and essentially grounded him for his insolence. He was teased about that for weeks. Jungkook made comments about how he needed to watch his behaviour otherwise his mama would send him to bed.

"And for that, you little shit," you said, "no Overwatch for a week."

The smile on Jungkook's face washed away. "You can't do that."

"Watch me."

You went into his bedroom one day while he was out and disconnected his console, putting it in your bag and taking it home so that he couldn't sneakily plug it back in. When he came home, he wailed at you to put it back because he was so close to levelling up. For a week he moped and sulked like a teenager and Jimin was living for the punishment. He and Tae would purposefully sit and watch Let's Plays of Overwatch on the communal television, and turn the volume up whenever Jungkook was in the room. Each time he'd beg and plead with you, but, as you said, "one rule for one is one rule for all."

"Yeah and I'd like to see you lock Yoongi-hyung out of his studio for his behaviour." Jungkook stated as he threw himself down on the couch.

Yoongi, who was passing, chimed in. "She did. It sucked." He bit into his apple and walked out of the room again, not bothering to stick around for the rest of the conversation.

"Like I said, one rule for one is one rule for all."

"Angel, what did Yoongi-hyung do?" Jimin asked.

"He was working too hard and forgot that he needed to eat. So he hadn't eaten in three days. I kicked his ass and changed the password on his door. Let that be a lesson to each and every single one of you. No one in this house is dieting or overworking themselves, got it?"

Jimin had started to call you "Angel" one day out of the blue, and it confused you greatly. He never had a nickname for you before, so this was new territory and you didn't quite know how to feel about it.

"What did she say when you dropped that nickname on her?" The interviewer asked.

Jimin laughed. "She told me to shut up and stop calling her that. But, of course, I never listened."

"Is it true that Serendipity's about her?"

Jimin nodded. "I had no idea how to put what I wanted into words, so I asked Namjoonie-hyung to do it for me. I thought, at the time, he'd misinterpreted how she felt about me, because we weren't together then. He said," Jimin began to sing the lyrics:

Cause you love me, and I love you.

"I thought he was talking about either her platonic love for me, or even just that he misunderstood her feelings. Turns out he was right. She was just as in love with me as I was with her."

"But Yoongi was also in the picture. How?"

"Yoongi asked ___ out first. He, surprisingly, got the courage to go to her, and she accepted like I knew she would. They'd been sweet on each other since they met."

"When?"

"The MAMAs in Japan, 2018."

"It took him 8 years?"

"It took me about 13 years to tell her how I felt."

"So, how did it happen? What happened?"

"We'd just come off stage. Fake Love was a massive success as was Anpanman. We were all buzzing. ___ was there waiting for us..."

[briamichellewrites]

45

Mike looked into body dysmorphia, a disorder where a person’s view of their body is distorted. A person could work out excessively, cover themselves in clothing, get cosmetic surgeries, wear makeup, or diet to remove perceived or imagined flaws in their appearance. He wasn’t a mental health expert, but he would advocate for her to get an evaluation. Bruce mentioned he would also do research. He thanked him for the update. Though he hoped it meant Brie would receive treatment, he wasn’t holding his breath.

He and Patti consulted Tom Hanks and his wife, Rita. Their son, Chester was also going through a serious drug addiction. It started when he was sixteen. He had gone to multiple rehabs but was yet to remain sober. They were heartbroken to learn that Brie was going through the same thing. It seemingly started after she gave birth to her twins. They also told them about her divorce.

It was civil. She was going to sign away her rights to Mike and his boyfriend. That was the last update they had about that. She had gone to Paris to look for a vacation home. When she came home, that was when things started. She overdosed on cocaine and was in the hospital for twenty-four hours. Because of the divorce, she was living at a hotel but they kicked her out after her overdose and she had been homeless since. Mike and his boyfriend were afraid she was going to try to take her life.

“She was diagnosed with postpartum bipolar disorder, which could be causing this. We have no idea what the hell is going on.”

“Why are they getting divorced”, Tom asked for clarification.

“Because she is going to sign custody over to Mike because of mental health issues. To do that, they have to legally divorce. He and his boyfriend are going to share custody with the biological father.”

“That kind of makes sense. Boyfriend?”

“Yeah, he came out as gay. They were involved in an open marriage, which she fully supported because she wanted him to be happy.”

They met his boyfriend. He was the kind of guy who was perfect for him. Very respectful and he treated Brie like a younger sister. They had nothing but wonderful things to say about him.

brielikethecheese: Another twenty-four hours in the hospital because the police found me passed out in a public bathroom. The only reason why I’m on this app is that I feel like I’m screaming into the void. All that comes back are the thoughts in my head. I’m not worth anything. Not even love. I’m ugly and nobody understands. I’m just going through a manic episode and will be better in a few days. Fuck that. Why get mental health treatment if nobody fucking cares? How fucked up do I have to be considered worth listening to or taken seriously? I’m so fucking tired.

Mike tried. He and Brie felt like she wasn’t being listened to by the hospital’s mental health staff. It was beyond frustrating. He was so scared that one day he would find out she was dead. The twins were back home with him and Phoenix after staying with his parents. They had gotten over their colds and were feeling better. When his mother dropped them off, they gave them big smiles.

Dada! He and Phoenix were thrilled to have them home with them. It was the distraction they needed. The twins were learning how to sit up by themselves, though they were still a little wobbly. Before they knew it, they would be crawling all over the house and putting whatever they could grab into their mouths. That meant being very careful about watching them. No, Lily. Don’t put that in your mouth, Lila. Their little girls were growing and it was exciting to watch their milestones.

Brie was desperate for something to eat, so after the appointment, Mike brought her into the studio. They had a break room with some free food. He let her pick what she wanted. She got a couple of oranges, a banana, and a Gatorade from the vending machine. He handed her a bag of chips. Thanks. She was starving and had limited places that would allow her into their establishments, so any food was appreciated.

The band was waiting patiently for him. They had started practicing but they needed his vocals. When they came in, she pulled the garbage over to a chair before sitting down. They were in shock at her appearance. She had lost weight, her hair was a mess and she looked like she hadn’t showered in days. They watched as she peeled the orange and started eating it without acknowledging their presence. Mike read their minds and nodded. Phoenix patted his shoulder before he took over with Brad.

She was sober but was wanting to go out and find something to get her high. Her body had gone through withdrawal from heroin while in the hospital. Chester watched her and it broke his heart. He knew what she was going through and he wished he could take it away from her. But, he couldn’t.

The media found out about her latest hospitalization and shared it on the news. She wanted to go to Paris to escape the media attention. But she would need a visa to stay for over ninety days. Three months wasn’t enough time. After eating and cleaning up, she went out with her bottle of Gatorade. Where was she going? She didn’t know. Her body had to move around because she was anxious and restless. She was craving heroin but didn’t know where to get it.

During the next break, Rob, Chester, and Phoenix went to go look for her. They found her gone. Brie? They looked all over, even in the women’s bathroom. No. She had left. Chester mentioned going back to make sure she hadn’t gone through their stuff and taken anything. That was a good idea.

“Did you find her”, Brad asked.

“No. We should all check our stuff to make sure she didn’t take anything”, Phoenix said.

They checked their wallets but it didn’t look suspicious. No, she hadn’t taken anything. She seemed dazed like she wasn’t really there. They all noticed how she didn’t even acknowledge them when she came in. Chester went through his stuff because he couldn’t find his antidepressant medication. That was what she had taken. It wasn’t about money, but getting high.

When they were done rehearsing for the day, they went out to their vehicles. They noticed a figure wrapped in blankets lying on top of a flattened cardboard box next to the dumpster. When they got closer, it was obvious it was her. To make sure she was still alive, Rob bent down and shook her. She groaned before sitting up. Why was everyone waking her up? He apologized and said they just wanted to make sure she was still alive.

Chester asked for his medication back. She didn’t have any medication. They pulled the blankets off of her until they found the bottle of medication next to her. She was lucky he wasn’t going to call the police on her for stealing. Phoenix and Brad grabbed her arms and forced her up. They then followed them back into the studio. She protested the entire way.

Inside, Rob put his hands on her shoulders and told her he didn’t care if she hated him or not. He was bringing her to rehab. She didn’t need rehab. Yes, she did. She was stealing from them. Fuck you! She fucking hated him because he was just trying to get rid of her. Then, they could forget about her. She struggled until she got out of his grasp. After stumbling, she tripped on her feet and fell. Thankfully, she didn’t hurt herself.

They helped her up. Leave me alone and let me sleep! She could sleep in rehab. I’m not going to fucking rehab! Mike realized that the thing she was afraid of most was being abandoned by them. He went over and hugged her tightly. We are not leaving you. They just wanted her to get better because they loved her. It wasn’t about forgetting about her. She started crying.

“It doesn’t fucking matter. They kill people in rehab. People fucking die. Then, they burn their bodies to get rid of the evidence. The people turn up missing and everyone thinks they ran away but they really are just buried somewhere. They have huge furnaces, like huge pizza ovens. They give them with medication and then they overdose. That’s how they get money. Insurance pays them to kill addicts to keep them off the streets.”

That made absolutely zero sense. She wasn’t thinking rationally. The saddest part was she believed it was all true. It wasn’t true and they had no idea where she came up with that idea. They could waste their breath by convincing her of the truth but it wasn’t worth it. What could they do? They were helpless. That meant they had to let her go.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

[thatmultifandomhoe]

Sneak Peak at The Size of Heart

I am SO EXCITED to finally post the Sneak Peak to my new fic, The Size of a Heart. This drabble was perhaps one of the hardest fics I’ve written, and that’s because this story deals with something that I’ve struggled with for many, many years now. With that being said, one of the many things this story deals with is body dysmorphia.

For those who are unaware, body dysmorphia or - Body dysmorphic disorder - is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. I am stating this right now, I have never been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, but I have done many of the things that are mentioned later on in this fic.

This was not an easy story to write because I put in my own experiences with being self-conscious, with hating what I see in the mirror, with seeing an image of myself that isn’t what others see. To be honest, I’ve also left out a lot of the things that I’ve done because of that. There were many moments were I had to stop and walk away from this fic because it was so hard to read the things the MC is going through, and knowing that I did them, that I still do. It’s not easy.

I’m going to put this disclaimer on the fic when it’s completely posted as well, but this is just a heads for those who may not be comfortable reading such things. And that’s perfectly understandable. For those of you do decide to read this fic, well, I hope you enjoy. I really do. There are moments that made me laugh, so I promise it’s not all angst lol. I really do.

Now, let me give a GIANT shout out to the amazing @ladyartemesia​ for making this fucking AMAZING Mood Board for my fic.It’s LITERALLY ON FIRE AND THE FIREFLIES ARE BLINKING! Usually I put the banner/header that I make here, but this Mood Board is beautiful and deserves it’s time to shine. Now, on to the teaser!

Pairing: Lee Hoseok (Wonho) and Reader

Genre: Established Relationship AU - Slice of Life AU - Smut - Angst - Fluff

Word Count: 9.9k

Warning: Tattooed Wonho, Pierced Wonho, messy kisses, Wonho is a hoe for the reader’s boobs, size kink - body insecurity, body dysmorphia, talk about dieting, talk about starving, talk about binge eating, fasting, self-hatred, self-conscious, use of the term fat in a negative view – explanation of the butterfly project.

Overview: Between work and obtaining an MFA, it had been too long since you and Hoseok had gotten to spend more than a few hours together, let alone be intimate with each other. When he whisks you away for a well-deserved weekend getaway, just the two of you and no one else, you eagerly jump on board, and him. But when you wake up alone left with your thoughts, unable to escape the insecurities you once put behind you, this  weekend  changes your relationship in a way you hadn’t even hoped for.  

To be Posted: Wednesday, September 9th, 10 am.

Part of the Intimacy Anthology that is being put on by @peonybane​

Last night had been wonderful. Beautiful. Perfect even. But now all you could think about was how Hoseok had avoided certain areas of you on purpose. That perhaps, he didn’t think you were as beautiful as he thought.

You didn’t recall changing. One second you were entering the bedroom in nothing but a towel and the next when you looked down to grip the fabric tighter, you were dressed in one of his black t-shirts and a pair of panties you had packed.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, the towel fell from your fingertips and in an attempt to hold on to something, anything to keep you from floating away, you slid them over your face and into your hair, twisting and gripping the locks until there was a hard ache on the side of your scalp.

“Go away,” you softly whispered, tugging a little hard to make those pesky leeches leave you. “Please go away. Please”

They needed to go. Disappear. It didn’t matter if you had to burn them to a crisp and leave behind a permanent scar. You just needed them go away, because spiraling was not an option. Not again.

[golbrocklovely]

with ur response to that one anon it’s very clear you have no knowledge on eating disorders. ednos very much exists & I don’t think anyone was assuming anything with him. just like how some of you assume he’s emotionally unavailable or some other shit is up with him,,, those anons were doing no different. I think it’s best if you just ignore further anons regarding eating disorders in general before you offend people who actually have them. because at this point ur response to them about damn near made me unfollow.

….in what part of my last couple responses did i say that eating disorders/body dysmorphia don't exist? i didn't say that. and in my original response to the first anon and the second one, i literally said i know nothing about eating disorders, which is why i said this is a topic i think we have to agree to disagree on bc i have nothing to fully discuss. i don't have anything to add to the discussion as a whole bc i myself have never had one, or at the very least have never been diagnosed with one. and thus i don't feel the most comfortable talking about it. plus, i think the topic as a whole is really sad so it's not the easiest subject to talk about.

the first anon said "Colby gives me very pro4n4 vibes". and the other anon said "I felt the need to add something extra to the topic of Colby possibly having body dismorphia". and then the third anon said "I can see why someone is saying Colby has body dismorphia :( which I hope he doesn’t but if he does I hope he’s alright".

what part of those don't sound like an assumption? the whole discussion at large was based off of the original anon's assumption that they believe colby could possibly have an ed and body dysmorphia. also, you literally contradicted yourself by saying "they weren't assuming, but if they were, you do that anyway". so…. i'm a bit confused as to what i said that truly upset you.

also, as if it matters, colby has outright said he's emotionally unavailable. the actual assumption i've made about him having depression, sure. you can argue that that could easily not be the case. i've never said i'm right or that my opinion is law. i'm just putting my thoughts out there, and sometimes ppl agree, and sometimes ppl don't.

if i truly said anything to upset you or those with EDs, that was never my intentions. i apologize for that.

that being said, feel free to unfollow me.

[mcrmadness]

Health Anxiety

More personal stuff here, this time about this subject.

So yeah, last night I talked about this health anxiety and how I feel like I would have some illness that is eventually going to kill me even tho I’m physically healthy.

Well, I have another type of health anxiety as well and it’s allergies. I’m not allergic to anything but after my brother had an allergic reaction from medicine used to migraine, I’ve been terribly afraid of allergies. I actually have started to avoid certain things that my mind thinks as something causing allergy even tho those rarely even do so. I think this is some kind of OCD, like, my mind is telling me not to do this and that or something bad will happen - in this case I shouldn’t eat certain things because the bad thing is allergy. Which I don’t have. Yet when I get this anxiety attack I start to imagine those symptoms and it makes me even more anxious and it makes the symptoms worse because actually they all are just anxiety and not even close to allergy. 

This is worst when I eat something I haven’t eaten in a while or when I eat something that might start tingling in my mouth. I sometimes buy these things and later on remember my mental allergy and then don’t eat them. Now I made myself dinner and used spinach which I don’t remember when was the last time I ate. I ate some of it and then it hit me: what if I’ve become allergic to spinach while I haven’t been eating it? Can it cause allergy? I know it can cause migraine but this whole allergy anxiety attack... came out of nowhere and it’s so frustrating because now I can’t finish my food and I’m still hungry, and I also think about the eggs and what if I’m allergic to eggs. It just started as a feeling of my cheek feeling warmer and then I started feeling my hand warm too and had to start checking if I can see anything on my skin and anxiety makes me have hot flashes anyway. And now I don’t know if I can eat that food ever again without it makes me feel suspicious about it.

The problem here is that I basically try to avoid something from happening when it’s highly impossible but if there’s even the 0,1% chance, it’s still a chance that it will happen and must be avoided. I have had those What if? thoughts almost always but it just changes by how they show up... now it’s the fear of allergies. I know avoiding makes it easier to get allergies but also they can be “cured” by  inuring oneself to things that cause allergy. But I’m just so afraid of the moment of something happening. I’m actually more scared of the moment of being scared than actually of what’s making me scared.

Sometimes this is really annoying. Some time ago I really felt like eating and baking banana cake so I started baking and it turned out really well and I ate lots of it. Until my mind decided that banana might be bad. And I had this whole bundt cake only for myself and it tasted so good but I couldn’t eat it because my mind thought it’s dangerous. I brought a huge part of it to my parents and left some for myself, I eat some but still I had to get rid of the last parts because they just stayed in my fridge because there were more of days when I felt too scared to eat and less of days when I couldn’t care less and ate no matter what.

I have this now for bananas, rasberries and peanuts, at least. And now I think spinach is on the list, too. And then I have bunch of foods that I don’t eat because I‘ve read they can cause migraine and I’m not sure about all of them with myself yet, I just know a few that cause my migraine but as migraine is very annoying thing to have, I rather not eat than try out if I’m gettin an attack or not because migraine will ruin couple of days for me instead of just a moment. And it’s also really annoying when you know these all symptoms match your migraine and you just wait for the aura to start. And it never will. And then one day you’ve forgotten about it and bang, it’s there and you realize you DID have all the pre-symptoms this time also.

Fear of “the future” is something I’ve been dealing with for as long as I can remember. I hate surprises because I get startled easily. I hate to go somewhere and see just then what happens, it’s easier to me if I can observe from a safe place for a moment and then act. I need to feel that I’m in control or at least have enough of it. I’m an overthinker. At school things were much simple but I remember how one of the most anxious things to happen was when we had to rearrange where we sat and when the teacher decided the places and I was on the edge of the panic attack the whole time until I heard my name and where I was to sit.

Today I had therapy and I talked about my heart related health anxiety and this time I felt like she had no idea what I’m dealing with and going through every day. I don’t think she understood what it feels like to have health anxiety. I told her about my upcoming heart check: that because it’s the new cardiologist, I’m afraid that she will notice there something that the previous cardiologist didn’t. That something was wrong there and needed to be taken care of. And she said that “but wouldn’t it be good if there was something wrong and it could be taken care of then?” Like, no? I am AFRAID of my heart being ill, if there was actually something wrong would be the worst possible scenario for me. When everything is okay I know it’s still my mind and not my heart trying to kill me. No matter how I feel like I can’t trust and I know the anxiety will come back. But if there was something wrong for real, then it’d mean that I should face the same stuff that has caused me this whole damn health anxiety and heart related trauma itself: hospitalizing and heart surgeries. She clearly didn’t understand that my bigges fear is that my heart does something that cases me to go through the same traumatic events for the second time in my life. I still suffer from what I went through when I was 3 years old and I don’t think my mind would survive another round.

I think the main thing with my health anxiety is that I’m afraid of having to deal with all that hospital stuff all over again and that’s why I check my body all the time to make sure I notice if there’s anything wrong, but at the same time I don’t really believe that anything bad can happen to me. Like I feel like I was invincible and at the same time I feel very vulnerable. Even a flu sometimes makes me feel pretty... stressed out. I’m afraid of what could follow it if I didn’t cure it well enough. And when I think about something much worse... like when I imagine a cancer or some other very serious illness, I always feel like I probably wouldn’t manage that and I’m afraid I’d get really depressed instead of feeling like fighting back. It feels like the end of the world, shattering the glass wall to my fantasy world where nothing bad ever happens and where I’m always safe. I don’t even have any of that yet I can imagine so well what would happen if I had.

My childhood medical trauma then, it still affect me today. I’m afraid of needles and I don’t like hospitals. Blood tests are the worst and I can’t take one without having a panic attack beforehand. My mom has told me that when I was younger, back then when I had those check and tests before my heart surgery, all I needed was to see the hospital room and I started screaming. Obviously can’t remember that myself but also obviously it was very traumatizing if I kept screaming and crying when just stepped into any of those rooms. I have some memories from the time I was at hospital and all they are very negative, I’ve been either scared, sad or confused. I even feel bit of panic in some of the situations. I think I have had panic attacks even that young and all of them have been hospital related.

But yeah, a person with panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder or ocd does not WANT to be ill and does not WANT to be diagnosed with something serious. We are very afraid of certain things but it doesn’t mean that being sick for real would make it better. It’s the complete opposite. At least for me it would just cause even more anxiety and it would spawn just new anxiety subjects afterwards. Knowing it’s all in my head is making it a whole lot easier to deal with. That’s why I always want and don’t want a doctors’ opinions on my physical health. You never know. It’s 50-50 situation, either you are healthy or you’re not. I love to know things but this is one of those cases where ignorance is bliss. In my fantasy world there’s no diseases or disorders and nothing bad ever happens, and my anxiety is that world colliding with the reality, because if I could choose, I would no live in this reality and I would not be mortal. But no can do. (Seriously the state of Deadpool [or Wolverine] would still be the best thing in the world because he can’t die but he neither can get physically sick because his body heals itself. Mental health problems are never so bad to me.)

This my whole thing is one big fucked up mixture of little bit everything. It’s like I have generalized anxiety disorder which turns into ocd with some things because I feel that I have panic disorder and I’m afraid of those panic attacks that the GAD fears causes. AND then you can mix there bit of HSP, possible ADD, SAD, social phobia, some sort of mixture of body dysmorphia and maybe also dysforia (more like body dysforia and face dysmorphia...) and so on... the list is endless.

And again I fucked up my sleeping schedule because of some fucking spinach my mind decided to be a bad thing. Great.

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

having a rough start to the day... need to vent

I woke up today already kinda in a funk but nothing out of the ordinary and then i went to weigh myself and it was all downhill from there.

normally i'm able to look at that stuff like data and feedback from my body aka in a more logical way but recently it's been much harder to do so when things aren't going my way. it's been for the last like year that i've been in the 190's and feel so disgusting and like this isn't my body and i don't feel like me or comfortable in my own skin at this weight so i desperately want to lose even some of this weight so i can start to feel like me again and not be stuck in a body that doesn't feel like my own. i've gotten just below 190lbs a handful of times (like literally 189.6lbs or something) and without fail every time that happens or if i make any amount of progress or it's been a week since my last bender, i wake up and those nagging binge thoughts start the instant i wake up and won't stop so i dive head first into a 3 day binge of whatever i can find (recently they haven't been as bad because i didn't have money to order food and didn't have binge worthy food here but that made the urge worse because i wasn't giving in or giving it as much as it wanted so i get even more anxious). this week was no different and starting on Sunday I got back on track after a 3 or 4 day binge fest and weighed in at 193.3lbs. Then it was 192lbs, then 190.9lbs, then yesterday. was 190,3lbs, so me knowing my body, today should be the day where i'm under 190lbs but no, it stayed exactly at 190.3lbs and i figured well i'm weighing in earlier than i normally do so i'm going to go sleep a little more then it'll be a more "real"/consistent weight. So an hour later I try again, same exact weight and body fat and everything else as yesterday and something inside me just broke. right now i'm just sad and frustrated and scared now that there's going to be another binge looming over my head all day and i don't know if i have the mental capacity to fight it off today but i can't deal with another setback especially so close to all of the other recent ones. like normally i would go weeks, sometimes months without one of these binge episodes but recently it's becoming a weekly event and it's just sending my mental health to basically be nonexistent and i don't want to keep spiraling and getting worse. i know that having tangible emotions about it is a sign of progress instead of numbing it and convincing myself it's "just data and doesn't bother me" when really underneath the numb i do have feelings about it and refuse to let myself acknowledge them but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with - it's easier to numb and even though i'm fully aware i'm numbing and don't want to and want to feel the feelings and whatever but now that i actually am i know it's what's going to get me better and happier and all of that but it's still hard to process these things when for the last like 8 years of your life you've actively worked to not feel things and numb and protect yourself from them. i know this is a good thing but it doesn't feel good. i'm just so sick of every single little thing i do/try to do/feel/think/etc being a struggle and me having to fight in some way, shape, or form for/against it. when are things just going to be even a little easier? i know they will be one day and i know i'm doing the right things to get there but right now this just fucking sucks and i'm sick and tired of constantly having to fight for/struggle with things that should just be easy and they're not. like it shouldn't take me 5 hours to talk myself into going for a walk outside in beautifully sunny and warm weather around a dog park with all the cute puppies that's my usual route and is something that truly brings me joy (well it used to anyway... now that' it's just another thing i want to/should be doing and my deteriorating mental state, not so much anymore but tbh nothing really brings me joy anymore because everything is a struggle) and it's so hard to be trapped in this brain and feeling like i'm internally screaming out for someone to save me/make this go away just constantly while not wanting to be more of a burden than i already am and i don't want to bring

people down with all of my struggles and i just don't know how to fix this even just on the surface level at all and i hate it. i just want to live my life and just be without all the extra baggage or whatever that comes with it. to just be able to go for a walk without a 5 hour pep talk while disassociating for a few hours and too much caffeine and having to talk myself into it then talking myself down from an anxiety attack from the second i'm out there until the second i'm back in my apartment and being happy that i burned calories so i can eat more but not getting the true joy of being outside in my favorite place in the world in perfect weather and seeing puppies. it's like it makes my ED happy but not me as a whole and i hate it because it's sucking all of the joy out of the things i used to love and feel so strongly about and turning it into something i do to appease it so it'll let me be a little bit until it starts all over again the next day. like yesterday i did an upper body session (Caroline Girvan's Epic program which is known as the hardest youtube workout program just fyi) and "only" burned 350 calories so i forced myself to go down to the gym where from the second i left my apartment until i got back i was talking myself off the edge of a full blown panic attack/migraine and not focusing on the workout other than making sure my watch was adjusted right so it read my heart rate accurately the whole time so the calories burned would be as accurate as possible. as i'm writing this out, it's becoming increasingly obvious that as much as i like to fool myself into thinking that i'm okay/not doing extremely disordered habits/etc, i am most definitely not nearly as okay as i thought... fuck. just add it to the list of all the other mental issues which is becoming longer and more depressing as time goes on.

Major depression

OCD

anxiety (all "diagnosed" by Alisha the therapist)

disordered eating/eating disorder

body dysmorphia

ADHD

i'm sure there's some amount of PTSD from the lyme and other things that have happened

i'm sure there's more to be discovered.

like fuck just seeing it typed out and how many issues there are that i have to "fix"/work on/get past just fucking sucks. again, i know it will get to a point where all of that is at a minimum manageable if not taken care of/no longer an issue and i can't express how much i can't wait for that but right now it's just hard to even imagine what that would be like and how much work that's going to take and that in itself is overwhelming. i don't want to end my life or anything by any means but i just want to skip past all of this and get to the point where i'm stable/sane/happy/etc because i know to get there is going to be the second hardest i've had to fight (second only to lyme) for/against something and i just don't know if i have that level of fight left in me anymore at this point. i'm sure as we start to work through things and some of the burden is lifted that i'll have it again but right now i feel like the stupid depression cat from big mouth curled around me and like i just don't have the energy to exist let alone be fighting anything. i know that because of who i am and how badly i want to be okay that i will find the energy i need and even if i fall down sometimes and want to quit that i won't and eventually i will get there but right now it's just hard to think about what it's going to take to get there. like right now all i want in life is to just be able to live like a normal human without the constant worry of setting off a migraine or having a panic attack or having to talk myself into doing the most basic of things and everything being an event and just be able to not overthink every single little thing i do and just be able to do things. i'm not asking for rainbows and sunshine and never to be stressed or have bad days but just for most days to be lived doing things without a second or third or thousandth thought/stress attached to it. i don't think that's too much to ask...

okay now i need to get up and at least kinda start my day now that i've gotten some of this out. oddly enough i don't feel any real relief after getting this out like i normally do, i feel like i just retreated back into the numbness and ugh is all i have to say. but whatever, it is what it is and i'm allowed to have bad days without feeling guilty over having one. i just need to acknowledge that so far today i'm having a sad/bad day, accept it, and just let it go so it doesn't consume my entire day and lead to an even faster spiral downwards. i'm choosing to accept these negative emotions tied to the scale/my body/my current mental and physical state/my situation and not try to force them out of my brain or guilt myself for having them. these feelings are there, they suck and i don't like them but all they are are feelings - not facts or "rules" or concrete/set in stone and i accept them because they're showing me that i'm making progress towards bettering my mental health and now that i have acknowledged them and accept them for what they are and have processed them, they are free to go. i just closed my eyes and talked myself through all that i just said and took 2 deep breaths to release the emotions and now i do feel a little better so that's something to keep in mind for the next time this happens. i don't know if this is just doubt setting in but i don't know if i actually feel better or it's my brain numbing so i think i feel better because it's protecting me but i'm going to choose to be optimistic and say i actually do feel better. but now it is time to start my day. i'm going to get up, put on a cute workout outfit of leggings and either long sports bra or crop top that shows my stomach because i'm not going to let fleeting negative feelings change how i feel about myself today and if they are still there after i have on the cute outfit, then i'm going to fake it till i make it because i deserve to be happy and feel proud of my body and not be such an asshole to myself when i know i'm just here doing my best to survive and that is enough.

[everydayhealthyfan]

Bruce Willis grew up in a family with three siblings, so it’s no wonder he grew up to have several children of his own. When he was in school, he ended up getting into acting, as it helped him with a stutter. After years of pursuing his acting career, Willis became one of the most well-known action stars in the entertainment industry and a couple of his children have followed in his footsteps. From 1987 to 2000, Willis was married to Demi Moore, with whom he had three kids – Scout, Rumer and Tallulah. Nine years later, Willis married model Emma Heming and they had two daughters together – Mabel and Evelyn. Get to know each of Willis’ children below. 1. Scout Willis Scout LaRue Willis was born on July 20, 1991 and she is quite accomplished in her education, having attended Brown University for college. Like her sisters Rumer and Talulah, she grew up in Idaho, away from the bright lights of Hollywood. Despite being raised away from Hollywood, she has appeared in several movies with her parents. For example, she was in Moonrise Kingdom, with her dad, in 2012 and The Scarlet Letter, with her mother, in 1995. In 2014, Scout made headlines when she became a part of the “Free the Nipple” movement. According to IMDb, this consisted of, “A group of women launch a movement to remove the censor of women’s breasts all over America.” In protest of Instagram’s censorship policy regarding female nudity, Scout walked through the streets of Manhattan topless, according to Gawker. Other celebrities who have supported the “Free the Nipple” movement have included Miley Cyrus and Cara Delevingne. 2. Rumer Willis Like sister Scout, Rumer Willis has appeared in movies with her parents. As a young girl, she appeared in the movies Now and Then and Striptease, along with her mother, Demi Moore. As she grew up, she went on to appear in movies like House Bunny and most recently, she appeared on the hit show Empire. When talking about her character, Tory Ash, to Billboard, Rumer said, “She met Jamal (Jussie Smollett) right out of rehab in the beginning stage of exploring what sobriety is and figuring out who she is sober … She’s also figuring out all the different aspects of her addiction and how it affects her and what it’s like to make music sober, what sober life means and how all those things affect her life.” Rumer, too, is actually sober, but she told People that she isn’t recovering from substance abuse. She made the decision to be sober for herself, explaining that, “My decision to become sober wasn’t out of a need necessarily, it was more just that I did ‘sober January’ and I just decided to keep going … I didn’t say I was sober from anything, I could have been sober from a food addiction or buying too many clothes or from relationships or whatever, but I think we’re in this culture where we naturally presume and assume.” Rumer also wrote on Instagram about her sobriety, stating that, “It’s not something I planned on but after the long journey of getting here I can honestly say I have never been more proud of myself in my entire life.” 3. Tallulah Belle Willis Tallulah Belle said that tabloid bullying actually caused her to develop body dysmorphia. According to Page Six, in 2014, Tallulah talked about dealing with this as a young teen. Tallullah confessed that, “I’m diagnosed with body dysmorphia [because of] reading those stupid fucking tabloids when I was like 13, feeling like I was just ugly, always. I believed the strangers more than the people who loved me, because why would the people who love me be honest?” Tallulah is the youngest of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis’ daughters, and like her two older sisters, she is sober. People reported that Tallulah came out about an eating disorder and an alcohol problem on Instagram, writing to followers that, “I was a malnourished string bean with aches that echoed throughout my soul. However the internal cries to tend my most blistered and deep wounds repeatedly fell on deaf ears. I did not value myself, my life or my body and as such I was constantly punishing for not being enough. Self annihilation fueled with medicating left me a shell, and the world on mute.” She also wrote, “I don’t push any agenda, I can only speak for my path and staying sober has been far and beyond the most important thing I’ve done.” Throughout her journey to sobriety and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, Tallulah has said that she’s gotten support from her parents, as well as sisters. In one Instagram post, sister Rumer wrote, “My beautiful Tallulah Belle I am so incredibly proud of you. Of your strength, your courage, your grace through all of uncomfortable moments and your commitment to yourself.” 4. Mabel Ray Willis Mabel Ray Willis is still young, but she is the oldest of Bruce Willis and Emma Heming’s two daughters. When it comes to Willis’ little ones, he says that it’s hard to find a peaceful moment, admitting to Entertainment Tonight that, “With two kids? Not many places to find peace, but my office works. I’ve made it so boring in there that the kids want nothing to do with it.” Apparently, Mabel helps her parents with gardening and even cooking. Mom Emma Heming told ET Online, “The kids love planting and picking things from the garden, which we end up using to cook with. We now have our own mini farm-to-table setup, which is pretty special.” After Mabel was born, Emma told Us Weekly that hubby Bruce was “very present and amazing with Mabel.” 5. Evelyn Penn Willis Evelyn Penn Willis is the youngest of all of Bruce Willis’ children. Evelyn’s mom Emma Heming told Entertainment Tonight that Evelyn and her sister Mabel keep their home filled with fun and laughter. She also credits Dad Bruce Willis to being...

The post Bruce Willis’ Kids & Family: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know appeared first on AFH.

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Bruce Willis’ Kids & Family: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know

Bruce Willis grew up in a family with three siblings, so it’s no wonder he grew up to have several children of his own. When he was in school, he ended up getting into acting, as it helped him with a stutter. After years of pursuing his acting career, Willis became one of the most well-known action stars in the entertainment industry and a couple of his children have followed in his footsteps. From 1987 to 2000, Willis was married to Demi Moore, with whom he had three kids – Scout, Rumer and Tallulah. Nine years later, Willis married model Emma Heming and they had two daughters together – Mabel and Evelyn. Get to know each of Willis’ children below. 1. Scout Willis Scout LaRue Willis was born on July 20, 1991 and she is quite accomplished in her education, having attended Brown University for college. Like her sisters Rumer and Talulah, she grew up in Idaho, away from the bright lights of Hollywood. Despite being raised away from Hollywood, she has appeared in several movies with her parents. For example, she was in Moonrise Kingdom, with her dad, in 2012 and The Scarlet Letter, with her mother, in 1995. In 2014, Scout made headlines when she became a part of the “Free the Nipple” movement. According to IMDb, this consisted of, “A group of women launch a movement to remove the censor of women’s breasts all over America.” In protest of Instagram’s censorship policy regarding female nudity, Scout walked through the streets of Manhattan topless, according to Gawker. Other celebrities who have supported the “Free the Nipple” movement have included Miley Cyrus and Cara Delevingne. 2. Rumer Willis Like sister Scout, Rumer Willis has appeared in movies with her parents. As a young girl, she appeared in the movies Now and Then and Striptease, along with her mother, Demi Moore. As she grew up, she went on to appear in movies like House Bunny and most recently, she appeared on the hit show Empire. When talking about her character, Tory Ash, to Billboard, Rumer said, “She met Jamal (Jussie Smollett) right out of rehab in the beginning stage of exploring what sobriety is and figuring out who she is sober … She’s also figuring out all the different aspects of her addiction and how it affects her and what it’s like to make music sober, what sober life means and how all those things affect her life.” Rumer, too, is actually sober, but she told People that she isn’t recovering from substance abuse. She made the decision to be sober for herself, explaining that, “My decision to become sober wasn’t out of a need necessarily, it was more just that I did ‘sober January’ and I just decided to keep going … I didn’t say I was sober from anything, I could have been sober from a food addiction or buying too many clothes or from relationships or whatever, but I think we’re in this culture where we naturally presume and assume.” Rumer also wrote on Instagram about her sobriety, stating that, “It’s not something I planned on but after the long journey of getting here I can honestly say I have never been more proud of myself in my entire life.” 3. Tallulah Belle Willis Tallulah Belle said that tabloid bullying actually caused her to develop body dysmorphia. According to Page Six, in 2014, Tallulah talked about dealing with this as a young teen. Tallullah confessed that, “I’m diagnosed with body dysmorphia [because of] reading those stupid fucking tabloids when I was like 13, feeling like I was just ugly, always. I believed the strangers more than the people who loved me, because why would the people who love me be honest?” Tallulah is the youngest of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis’ daughters, and like her two older sisters, she is sober. People reported that Tallulah came out about an eating disorder and an alcohol problem on Instagram, writing to followers that, “I was a malnourished string bean with aches that echoed throughout my soul. However the internal cries to tend my most blistered and deep wounds repeatedly fell on deaf ears. I did not value myself, my life or my body and as such I was constantly punishing for not being enough. Self annihilation fueled with medicating left me a shell, and the world on mute.” She also wrote, “I don’t push any agenda, I can only speak for my path and staying sober has been far and beyond the most important thing I’ve done.” Throughout her journey to sobriety and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, Tallulah has said that she’s gotten support from her parents, as well as sisters. In one Instagram post, sister Rumer wrote, “My beautiful Tallulah Belle I am so incredibly proud of you. Of your strength, your courage, your grace through all of uncomfortable moments and your commitment to yourself.” 4. Mabel Ray Willis Mabel Ray Willis is still young, but she is the oldest of Bruce Willis and Emma Heming’s two daughters. When it comes to Willis’ little ones, he says that it’s hard to find a peaceful moment, admitting to Entertainment Tonight that, “With two kids? Not many places to find peace, but my office works. I’ve made it so boring in there that the kids want nothing to do with it.” Apparently, Mabel helps her parents with gardening and even cooking. Mom Emma Heming told ET Online, “The kids love planting and picking things from the garden, which we end up using to cook with. We now have our own mini farm-to-table setup, which is pretty special.” After Mabel was born, Emma told Us Weekly that hubby Bruce was “very present and amazing with Mabel.” 5. Evelyn Penn Willis Evelyn Penn Willis is the youngest of all of Bruce Willis’ children. Evelyn’s mom Emma Heming told Entertainment Tonight that Evelyn and her sister Mabel keep their home filled with fun and laughter. She also credits Dad Bruce Willis to being...

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