#i have never. in my life. seen aro and ace lesbians discussed in media before

[capsizedskeleton]

ARO AND ACE LESBIANS MENTIONED ‼️‼️ WHAT THE FUCK IS ATTRACTION

[m-ziliak]

Since “Asexual” and “Aromantic” are trending right now I’m seeing a lot of people talking about it and I kinda wanna add my two cents in specifically on the “Aromantic” thing. So like a lot of people seem to relate with Jaiden with the whole “No one is hot yet???” bit and that’s totally valid. I was a bit more of an idiot as a kid, though. I thought you just picked some random kid in your class to have a crush on and ran with it. So of course I picked the only boy I remembered the name of and did that. We never really hung out or were even friends, but he did give me all his Pokémon cards when we were in fifth grade because he thought they were “uncool” so there’s that. People had crushes in middle school so I picked a random guy then as well because he gave me a Yu-Gi-Oh card. I didn’t particularly like Yu-Gi-Oh, but I figured that it meant he liked me so I should hold his hand and whatever. He grew up to be kind-of a dick. I can’t actually tell if I had a crush on this one other kid I knew in middle school. I thought he was cool and we hung out and dated for a little, but I’m unsure if I just wanted to be his friend or if I was actually romantically attracted to him. He moved away to a different state and we don’t talk anymore, but I still fondly remember him anytime I hear a Vengaboys song because he had them on his MySpace page. So near the end of college I ACTUALLY got a crush. I was hanging out with a close friend that I really liked and then it hit me like a semi truck. So I ran to another friend and was like, “I want to kiss this person????!!! ON THE MOUTH???!” And she’s was like, “Yeah, you weirdo. That’s a crush.” So I handled that about as well as a normally aromantic person handles a feeling they’ve never felt before. (I cried about it for three days.) Eventually I did tell the girl I had a crush on that I had a crush on her. And a week after that she deleted all her social media, changed her phone number and vanished off the face of the earth. I literally have no idea what ever happened to her and to this day I’m wondering if I did something wrong. I haven't had any crushes since then and it’s been a while since I graduated college. A lot of my friends are either in long-term relationships or getting married. I don’t really see myself doing that. I don’t know if I can still call myself aromantic because of the one time I had a real crush. I know people will tell me I’m Demi or Grey, but ehhh... There was a lot of discourse back in the day about aces and aros, so I still feel a bit weird about it. Like, people would say you can’t actually be aro because you had a crush once, even though the rest of a nearly thirty year life has been spent not feeling romantic attraction. I’ve seen people claiming that the split attraction model is homophobic altogether and that having hyper-specific identities like that is cringe. I’ve also seen people say that ace and aro aren’t actual identities and that they’re “modifiers” so since I had a crush on a girl once I must just be a really repressed lesbian. (or bi? IDK) All the first round of ace and aro discourse was going on while I was in college and I remember continually asking my campus pride center if I belonged there even after they asked me to discuss being ace as a panelist in a discussion of obscure identities. The whole discourse thing really fucked up how I view myself in that sense and it feels like everyone else has their shit figured out when they reach my age, so why am I so behind? Right now I view my romantic orientation as just sort-of nebulous and not really there. Like how fancy water has a bit of lemon in it, but isn’t lemonade. It’s not plain water, but at the same time it’s still classified as water. My romantic orientation is aro with a bit of queer in it. Sexuality is definitely still ace. Gender is up in the air and I’m not dealing with trying to understand that right now. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I’ve seen a lot of people today talking about what it’s like to be allo ace and aro ace, but not a lot of people talking about that weird, in-between where you’re not one or the other. At least kids these days have people to look up to, though, and a lot more resources than I had when figuring this stuff out for the first time. I’m glad about that. And if you’re in that weird in-between zone of not aro but not allo, just know you’re not alone.

[sapphiresea]

2, 4, 9, 26 :)

lgbt+ ask game

2.  how did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?  oh, gosh.  this is going to be long, and i’m still glazing over all the mental health problems i had that largely stemmed from trying to be someone i clearly was not.  

looking back, it seems like it should have been obvious from the outset, really, but it was a process getting to understand and accept my sexuality.  you have to know, i was very young when ellen came out, and i had no idea what the words ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ even meant at the time.  no one explained it to me, either.  i just knew that everyone around me was suddenly saying those words and they were whispered or demeaned, so i knew they were bad immediately.  from as far back as i can remember, i held the view that lesbians were disgusting and bad, and that shame buried really deep inside me for a very long time.  it was easier to never think about it and pretend than it was to ever let it be a conscious thought.

when i was a kid, i just couldn’t fathom actually wanting to be with a man.  i thought relationships were just a matter of custom and doing what was expected because that was how you could have children and a family.  my barbies married ken, but then ken went off to war and she spent all her time with her best lady friends.  i chose my crushes with internal pro/con lists.  i complained often that i hated romcoms because the women were always so dumbly chasing after men and they should just get over it.  i could talk about female celebrities for days but ask me my favorite male celebrity, and it was just tumbleweeds.  it didn’t even register as strange when, after my first real kiss with a boy, i had to brush my teeth three times and then called my best friend to tell her that kissing boys was disgusting.  that just fell into my belief that we were only with boys because we had to be, and because i didn’t allow myself to consider that there might be other options.  i was such a textbook baby gay, but there were only two moments that really penetrated into conscious awareness, and they were so jarring that i remember them even now.

the first was when i was 13 years old, and i was sat in my music class when my teacher, seemingly out of no where, decided to lecture us about gay people.  i have no idea what was going on before that because it was a spring day and the sunlight from the window was making my hair look red and i was busy daydreaming about dying it all red.  i only snapped back when kids started laughing because someone said, ‘gay.’  it wasn’t a negative lecture.  in fact, she was telling us we had to be more accepting of people, because she had heard a lot of slurs being thrown around and didn’t like it.  she told us, “about one in ten people are gay, which means that at least two, if not more, of you are gay.”  my very first thought was, “i wonder who the other one is.”  and then, cue panic attack.  i spent the whole rest of the day on the verge of tears trying to convince myself that i was being crazy for even thinking that.  

the second was in the food court of north hill mall around christmas time with the other steph and robyn.  it was around christmas because we were all wearing ridiculous elf and santa hats.  we got off school early thanks to a spare period and were picking at takeout lunches when robyn started a rant out of no where about how she couldn’t understand why men found boobs to be attractive.  i then became very aware of where my eyes were looking and attempted to focus them anywhere but on my friends in case they could tell how suddenly uncomfortable i had become and thought i was looking at their boobs.  they didn’t think that at all, by the way.  but steph was agreeing with her and they were going on and on about how unattractive boobs were and steph was throwing in occasional comments about the attractive aspects of the male form and i was just nodding along turning even redder.  now it’s not that i really felt strongly about boobs or anything.  it’s really just that in that moment, it became painfully clear to me that at least one of the biggest things i had always told myself that everyone experienced was not so ubiquitous an experience as i had initially thought.  

actually considering the possibility of straight –– despite the efforts of a therapist i saw twice and then refused to see again as soon as she suggested i might be not-totally-straight (oh and totally in love with one of my friends) –– didn’t come until a couple of years later.  it was a new crush of mine, crystal chappell, who was on days of our lives at the time.  ooh, i fell hard for carly manning, and i had to look into her other filmography.  on twitter and on a forum on her website, people were discussing something called ‘otalia’ and insisting i watch, so i did.  that single-handedly changed the trajectory of my life.  otalia were the first f/f couple i had ever seen and allowed myself to relate with (i saw willow/tara but was way too deep into the closet to even let myself pay attention to them).  over the course of the next few months, my attitude started to shift and a series of bad attempts at dating men, coupled with a new crush on a friend of mine, made me realize that i was definitely into women.  i identified as bi for a little while, but within the year, it became pretty clear to me that i had chosen the wrong label and my attraction to men was just a craving for external validation and what i had considered normalcy at the time.

out of internalized homophobia and an illness that screwed with my hormone levels, i identified as ace and aro off and on for awhile.  (don’t jump on me, that’s just my experience and i’m not attempting to get into discourse here or generalizing that to anyone else.)  but one day, i found that had shifted.  i started watching more lesbian media and engaging with other wlw and stopped being afraid of the word ‘lesbian’ like i had been.  and nothing has ever felt so freeing in my entire life.

4.  who was the first person you told, how did they react?  i think the very first person i ever told was a close online friend who was like my internet grandma.  i knew she was safe because she, too, is gay.  so i kind of just slipped it into a late night conversation on skype and nervously told her i thought maybe i was into girls, and she was the most accepting a person could be.  the next day, i told my friend over text while i was in walmart with my mom.  i remember thinking from the way we interacted that it was possible she was lgbt, too, and being so, so nervous to be the first one to say it.  but i was right.  and she became my first girlfriend.  so those were really great experiences, actually, and i’m glad those were my first ones.

9.  who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?  oh man, so many...  wayhaught, for sure, are my #1, but i also really love otalia, giani, hollistein, petramos, logan/lara, trishica, and a number of non-canon f/f slash.

26.  what identity advice would you give your younger self?  gosh, i don’t even know.  like i said, i was so deeply in the closet for so long that i’m not sure i would’ve been able to hear it.  if i could go back to when i was a kid, though, before all of this, i think i’d tell myself that ‘lesbian’ isn’t a bad word, and that, not only do i not have to be with anyone i don’t genuinely want to be with, but that it is possible to be with a woman, and that it’s okay to make that choice instead of hurting myself trying to bury it.

[drsallygrissom]

Why We Love ars PARADOXICA

Back in 2016, the fandom made a list of 43 reasons why we love ars PARADOXICA in honor of the 73rd anniversary of Dr. Sally Grissom’s first audio diary on October 29, 1943. When I learned that the podcast was going to end after its third season, I decided to pull together another list that was double the length of the first. 

However, the fandom was so passionate that we blew past our goal, and reached triple the length of the original list!

Without further ado, here are the 129 of the reasons why we love ars PARADOXICA:

Helen Partridge, my beautiful, beautiful wife

I just love Kristen’s laugh and it never fails to make me smile.

Mischa’s outros! “Brought to you by the internet:” 

The TimeSwimmers episode. That whole thing was a masterpiece

Sally and Nikhil's friendship

Petra, my sassy troubled daughter

The effort that went into making such a truly unique and ambitious take on time travel-based fiction

Sally, my favorite disaster ace

All of the characters are just so beautifully flawed in their own ways and are so well depicted it’s hard to pick a favorite

Every episode makes me feel SO MANY EMOTIONS

The sound effects are just so well done that I feel like I’m right there with the characters

The subtle yet mind blowing foreshadowing

The way it endlessly inspires me to create fan content

The decryption team, who I don't understand yet love to watch unravel codes

The ability to make us both love and hate a character at the same time as much as we do Esther Roberts.

Jack Wyatt

The sass, and in general wonderful interactions with the fan base on social media.

The schoolyard brawl!

Very obviously not being afraid to have fun with ads/sponsored content.

Actually making me want to listen to the version with ads even though I'm a patron

Buttsticks…

Plasticity

The outro music is simple but so, so good

Lemon drops and Limestone

My curiosity about what Esther wrote in the letter

Golden boi and his devils lettuce

With three episodes left it felt like there was so much story left to be told and such little time to tell it

The generosity to keep us entertained between seasons

The subtle symbolism of Esther's mind being represented with card games

The heart-wrenching ups and downs of Esther and Bridget's relationship

Esther and Sally’s lesbian/aroace solidarity

Bridget, my mom

Sally's #relatable ace anxieties and Nikhil's comforting response

The super cool theme song by Mischa "i do not play piano" Stanton which they apparently HEARD IN A DREAM?!

The found footage pieces between scenes

The amount of detail put into it, and being able to notice new things on each relisten

Easter eggs like QDAM

Seemingly infinite pop culture references

The commitment to posting a transcript for each episode

The GOLDEN BOY smokes the devil’s lettuce?!

The Super LUminal Recursive Processor

All of the machine code names really

Mischa’s wonderful sound design that makes me feel like I’m actually in the location the episode takes place at and made me realize how wonderful podcasts could truly be.

Sally Grissom. The wonderful disaster ace and the first ace rep I ever found.

The sound design of the show, especially the tapes adding to world building, all those clunky sounds.

Sally Grissom, ‘I wonder what would happen if I...’, Mad scientist.

This show has the most complex, humanistic portrayal of aromanticism I’ve ever experienced

I appreciate the aP creators’ dedication to nuanced portrayal of and discussion about violence

All of Curses, of fucking course

Keeping the humanity of people who do bad thing while not trying to justify them

Their commitment to “all killer, no filler”

Reminding me that science is cool, dammit!

Petra is a lovely and nuanced, complex character that I adore with my whole heart and soul.

[BLUE BLUE 09 13 18 15 26 08 04 12 20 24 05 18 14 09 17 04 05 12 01 05 The weather in Tulsa today is: Drought. At the tone, the time will be: 5400 hours]

The creators are so so fantastic and fun! I love that they interact with fans.

Sally is the disaster stoner physicist we all need in our lives. also she’s relatable as hell

The show is not afraid to tackle issues like race, gender, or sexuality and it doesn’t overstep its bounds.

The codes are so fun (even if I don’t understand all of them)!

I love how excited scientists get when they’ve discovered something-it feels like real scientists I know

How Bridget criticizes Sally for making puns under pressure even though she does exactly the same thing

The way characters interact with one another, and grow, and learn, and develop is so fascinating and beautiful.

Plasticity might have been the first podcast episode to make me cry.

I love Sally “I only know anecdotal biology and chemistry” Grissom and how her science knowledge actually makes sense??

As a huge huge physics nerd and aspiring computer scientist, I love love love the way Sally talks about science! It’s like Kristen DiMercurio is narrating my inner monologue!

The thrill of trying to keep up with the diverging timelines

☭S̶͜͞ ̀͜҉̀͢Í͠ ̸̸͟҉X̵͘͢ ̢T̷̶͞ ̢̨͟Y̧̛͘ ̨͟͢ ̴̨͜҉S̷̶͢ ̴͝Í͢͟ ҉̢̛͝X̕͝͝☭

The consideration and dedication shown in not only writing an aro-spec ace character, but addressing issues and worries often faced by people in that community.

The mind-boggling task of trying to piece together everything that’s happening when for all we know every scene could be from a different, rewritten version of the timeline.

Anthony Partridge, the most melodramatic math nerd to ever play Tetris in a bubble outside of time.

The optimism of the show and ultimate faith it shows in both science and humanity, despite all the characters’ failings.

Sally giggling over meeting her future self both times that it happens

Sally’s book (and her attempts at pronouncing NaNoWriMo).

Maggie Elbourne, because as much as I love all my the more morally ambiguous scientists it’s nice to see one who actually stood up to ODAR’s shenanigans almost as soon as she figured out what was up.

Everything about the road trip.

TimeSwimmers was already mentioned but specifically TIME DOLPHIN RYAN LOCHTE

Characters that grow and change and learn

The 77s getting name dropped in Plasticity, way before we knew who they were

Sally calling out the English language for being problematic (“oh, you mean like morally upstanding?”)

“The weather in Tulsa today is: uhh I dunno”.

It has been quite possibly the most human exploration of time travel I’ve ever seen/heard.

Reaching a happy ending I couldn't even imagine

The weather in Tulsa is: sppoookyyy

The ever changing ways the codes were presented in season 3. Giving the feeling that the anchorites were both on the run and broadcasting these messages from different points in time.

Sally’s ace representation is the best I’ve ever seen and it makes me feel so #valid.

The sound design and detail in the writing make me feel like I’m truly immersed in the story, and it feels so authentic. Are you sure you don’t secretly have a timepiece?

The characters are people I CARE about and wanted to cry over during work all the time because they’re all wonderful and I love them.

The integration of the different storylines into Sally’s, especially Petra’s, is amazing.

Petra’s characterization was really well done, and it made me really care about her, even as she was trying to more or less destroy the world.

Out-of-date pop culture references that fit seamlessly into the dialogue despite being from literally a different time period and most of the characters having no idea what it meant. They just added an extra level of hilarious.

You may not actually know a single thing about tachyon fields and gluon walls (are they even real?) but you could definitely convince me that you know exactly what you’re talking about (or at least that Sally Grissom does).

The enDING WAS JUST REALLY WELL DONE AND I LOVE A GOOD CIRCULAR ENDING AND IT MADE ME GENUINELY GO TO THE BATHROOM DURING WORK TO CRY BECAUSE IT WAS JUST BEAUTIFUL.

The fact that the whole show is wrapped up by the revelation that the entire show is actually Nikhil and Mateo curling up with board games and snacks trying to form a story out of these tapes, patching together timelines to make it all cohesive, it just feels very right.

This story fits the medium so well, and so the fact that we don’t learn that Whickman has an EYEPATCH is absolutely wild but also wonderful because as soon as I heard that I knew that that was how it belonged, like of course he has an eyepatch, that’s a very Chet thing to have.

The ending was so perfectly, painfully beautiful. It was the ending we needed but never would have imagined.

Petra’s and Sally’s relationship being so complex and real.

Nikhil and Mateo using the archive to create the framing device for the whole podcast.

The sound the timepiece makes.

The final destruction of the timepiece.

Putting time travel in a Cold War setting makes perfect sense, and they go together like peanut butter and chocolate.

Did anyone mention Helen Partridge as a character? How beautifully she was set up and the fact that she pursued her own her life, and also, how BEAUTIFULLY Susanna Kavee can sing? Because damn.

I just. Really love this show. And everyone involved. So much.

The child characters were really well done-both the actors and the writing felt real.

To me, the show feels a bit like one of those camp friendship bracelets everyone used to make, with all these colors and threads--all of the timelines, woven together, messy but beautiful.

TEETRIS

Grissom’s Gizmo Gals!

Mateo’s non-stop flirting, even in the worst of situations

Sally “It’s Dr Grissom”ed HERSELF.

The way both the story and the characters reflect a complex view on the world with people making horrible decisions and horrible things happening to them, and yet always maintaining a positive outlook, offering the possibility of change and improvement.

The top-notch voice acting from everyone involved, helping to create the wonderful characters we all love.

Sally finger-gunning her way out of a conversation with a pun about a friend almost killing her.

All the minisodes!!

Any time Bridget, Nikhil or Lou acts like they want to adopt Petra

The series ending with two characters who had been at odds coming together

The characterization of the different Petras, because they all seem like different people even though  in fact they are not (and Sylvia deciding she doesn't want to follow the legacy of Petras)

How Kristen can play 2 of the same character and make them sound different (how does she do that???)

Anthony’s will to save everyone, sacrificing himself, when the world didn't do anything good for him…

... and the constant struggle to save his friends (like when he was literally the only one aware of the Anchorites and the way their plan could have ended)

The way the show can go from time travel shenanigans to heartfelt character moments is a real testament to the talent of the writing team.

The Vegas episode, which I listened to after the finale and cried, because they were so happy and naive and everything wasn’t messy and bad and complicated.

The way gun violence is handled by the creators with respect and care

The way PTSD and mental health is handled (through Sally) is beautiful and respectful.

Partridge being named after a bird and living out his life in a cage. YOU GUYS ARE MEAN

Susanna Kavee’s absolutely amazing singing and Tau Zaman’s lyrics are an absolutely combination.

The ceaseless, unwavering commitment to puns

I love how important their friendships are to the characters (well, most of them anyways).

Sally’s conversation with Nikhil in season 3 reflects a lot of common anxieties of aromantic people, and his understanding responses

The entirety of the trial episode, which just really sort of showed the full extent of how terrible the Red Scare was by putting Esther, a Jewish woman, through it, and just shows you how defamed people in that time were.

In so many of the fictional and non-fictional representations of history, marginalized people have diminished, distorted, and stereotypical roles-but not in ars PARADOXICA. Thank you for making so many people feel seen.

All the amazing writers who started it all. 💜

Here are the signatures of some of the fans who contributed: 

Signatures

Lindsay (ioniluna/drsallygrissom)

Khanan Abayev

SJ (your friendly neighborhood slauthor)

Dave (mondas-mania)

Noah (kindadisappointed)

Sana (i-am-delta-s)

Tina (espressonist)

Meaghan (lafgl)

Katherine (Rubywolfsbane)

Artimis (jp-blindperson/ap-blindperson)

Luke (martianboyy)

Ellie (joan-and-jane-and-esther-roberts/shewrites)

Bridge (cornerandchair)

Lem (aceparadoxica)

Esme (starsparadoxica)

Glory (mercutiglo)

Carly (guardianbob)

Emese (mse)

Ben (Q)

Special thanks to the ars PARADOXICA discord for being so helpful! From the time it was just a dozen people with a spork in a shoebox, this community was a shining star that helped me through tough times. Thank you for your silliness, cleverness, and support.

Brought to you by the internet: It’s weird! It’s fun! It loves you very, very much!

[singwhenyoucantspeak]

So, I’m seeing a lot of ace discourse on my dash today, which is an odd coincidence since this is a topic i had a very long in depth conversation about yesterday with another friend. While I often reblog posts to signal boost information about asexuality and particular experiences of acephobia, I realized I have never really made a post or spoken up about it myself. With this in mind, I have decided to post a summation of the comments I made to my friend yesterday to let you all know what my thoughts are and why I personally believe we need to fight against the acephobia present in our community and support ace and aro people of all positions on the spectrum. That said, I don’t really feel like going through and editing everything I said yesterday, so I apologize if the following has tone issues or spelling errors etc, I’m just copying and pasting what I said in this conversation. I also want to note here that I myself am not on the ace/aro spectrum, I am lesbian/queer. The question posed to me was basically what is my stance on the discourse, and this is some of my response: 

I'm against gatekeeping. Ace people of all romantic orientations experience oppression from normative society. Inter LGBT+ community prejudice is strong between all sectors. Biphobobia, transphobia, and even lesbophobia are extremely prevalent as is sexism from gay men and yet we HAVE to work together as a community. Are some ace people who are heteroromantic homophobic? Probably but a lot of gay people also do homophobic shit and I've read enough and seen enough in the world to know ace people are oppressed by heteronormative society even if they are heteroromantic, and the same goes for aromantic people who might be heterosexual. But, tbh many many ace people are also aro and a lot of the non ace community wants to pretend like that's not a thing and that since they don't experience any same sex attraction they should get out of the community, which is stupid. There are also hetero trans people so using same sex attraction as the measuring point or definition for belonging in the queer/LGBT+ community doesn't work anyway. So yes it sucks when anyone the queer community does something prejudice or holds prejudice views and there are ace people who do, but they are still not privileged in society and to say they are is to ignore multitudes of proven life experience which is VERY dangerous for all kinds of reasons. 

And we as a community HAVE to form coalition regardless of what inter prejudice we have or else we CANNOT combat the current heteronormative hegemony. We have to respect each other and work together if we want to destroy the system that is oppressing all if us, even if sometimes it sucks. But tbh I've seen wayyyyyyy more shitty acephobic lesbians on here and actually not a single homophobic ace person so yeah that's just one instance of my personal experience but I think gatekeepers exaggerate the problem they bring up and need to look at their own selves and their own ability to listen to others with empathy. Because unfortunately we all rely on society learning to listen to us with empathy. Even with coalition there is not enough of us to change society without straight allies and how can we be so hypocritical as to expect religious heteros to put aside their beliefs and listen to us with empathy and change their views if we cannot do the same within our own community.

Also I think maybe it's important to note that my stance on this issue wasn't made based on Tumblr discourse alone. I actually came to this position while taking the queer theory course in my last year of undergrad and reading a bunch of scholarly work that also discussed this so I'm not just randomly jumping on whatever train my favorite blog is on... If that makes sense. I point that out not to be elitist about academia, but because I think that there is a common occurrence on Tumblr as well that people just pick up whatever stance on an issue that a blog they admire holds, I've in fact even found myself guilty of that, so with something this fraught with conflict I think it is important to self reflect and make sure that's not what I'm doing. 

I've also noticed a pattern in which many acephobes are also transphobes. And I think it comes from this paranoia of thinking that cis straight men are trying to infiltrate our community for some reason... Tbh I don't understand it. It's the idea that trans lesbians are really straight men in disguise and in a similar way ace people are really straights in disguise... It's so problematic and unnecessary.

I've reblogged quite a few pieces of writing on what oppression is like as an ace person if you're interested in reading some of that, I will include links to some resources at the bottom of this post. Because they do experiences a very different kind of marginalization than lesbians or gay men, so I think sometimes it's hard for monosexual L/G people to quite understand.

But I also want to make it clear that being ace is NOT an excuse for doing homophobic shit. So I'm definitely not advocating to not call out homophobia when you see it. Just that we should be addressing it on an individual bases in terms of individual actions, not advocating to exclude an entire group from our community out of fear that they might have prejudice.

i'm also just gonna add a couple things: there is definitely a difficulty in the fact that ace people and sexual queer people want and need very different things and that creates problems when trying to make a space that is safe and inclusive of both. Because queer people do not have the freedom to express their sexuality in heteronormative spaces so they rely on queer spaces to do that but sex repulsed aces can then find those sexualized spaces to be very hostile environments. The problem is that telling queer people not to express their sexuality in every queer space because it is hostile toward ace people IS homophobic. we need both kinds of queer spaces. Because queer people NEED a space to safely express themselves and their sexuality. But ace people and also younger queer people need the non sexualized safe spaces as well so we need BOTH. and people don't seem to be able to wrap their heads around the fact that it doesn't have to be either or. Ace people need to self police and know when they are going into a space that may not be comfortable for them, but at the same time queer people need to recognize the importance of having equal opportunities of safe spaces that are not hypersexualized. it's hard because there are so few opportunities for physicals spaces for us in GENERAL that it seems almost impossible to guarantee we are providing for the both, and the easy out is to just decide to exclude someone. but while that is an easy answer, it's not a good answer.

at the same time, again it gets very very complicated with relationships. some of the reports of acephobia on that lists I have linked I think need more detail because i do not believe a queer person who wants a sex life should be forced to be celibate because their partner comes out as ace. That is a case in which two people find out they want very different things, and while it sucks, a relationship is likely not going to work out. BUT, the way that that is handled is what makes the difference between it ending up as acephobic or not. and tbh I've been thinking a lot about this and I think part of the problem is that asexuality is so unkown. it really needs to be a conversation before the relationship gets too serious, but a lot of ace people do not know they are ace before they've ended up in a serious relationship. so the fact that ace people continue to get broken up with BECAUSE they are ace is a symptom of acephobia, not because their individual partners are necessarily acephobic, but because the system forced them both into that situation in the first place.

tbh I think the solution to is, is actually sex positivity, which needs to be understood as NOT the same thing as the forced/hyper heterosexuality that the media enforces now. I mean as in open conversation about sex and sexuality and sex education. I think part of the problem is that because the dominant christian culture is so weird about sex, there is a lot of argument toward ace people of "Oh you're not ace, you are just repressed and need to learn how to appreciate sex. sex is weird for everyone at first, but you get used to it and learn to love it, you just need to give it a chance." I think it'd be helpful to get rid of that weird ass christian repressive culture because then it is more clear that asexuality is a real thing and that a person's awkwardness toward sex due to a sexually repressive religious upbringing is in fact NOT the same experience as people who do not have sex drive and do not enjoy sex. because a sexually repressed person who feels that way due to christian upbringing can and will learn to become more comfortable with sex (I AM CASE IN POINT)  but an asexual person CANNOT and trying to force them to is very harmful/painful for them.

So yes, it's a shitfest of complicated issues, but that is just my take on it. also aphobia and biphobia sometimes go hand in hand due to this issue: https://singwhenyoucantspeak.tumblr.com/post/157331442151/straight-couples-shouldnt-be-at-pride so just another thing to think about. In the end, I’ve noticed that most gatekeeping heavily relies on heteronormativity which is like the exact thing we are trying to dismantle.

Links to resources: 

this one has a LOT of info, especially if you keep reading down to the bottom with the tons of links https://singwhenyoucantspeak.tumblr.com/post/163230928631/its-all-a-fucking-joke-right

i don't know a lot about the blog posting this but seems like a source of more info https://singwhenyoucantspeak.tumblr.com/post/127991052391/bhryn-asexualthings-asexuality-is-an

https://singwhenyoucantspeak.tumblr.com/post/103997214821/prettyarbitrary-oreides-pungeon-mistress

also this an example of why from the  standpoint of representation etc. ace people need our support https://singwhenyoucantspeak.tumblr.com/post/156705124231/how-is-riverdale-queerbating-and-ace-erasure 

There are probably more posts that I have reblogged with more or better info but this is what I could find since i never tagged any of it. Also, if any ace/aro people have input they want to add or want to discuss anything I said please feel free to sent me an ask, a private message, or just comment on this post.

[starrypawz]

Ok i don’t tend to talk much about ace stuff on here but that post I reblogged pretty much summed things up for me? (It’s hard to work out your orientation full stop)

I’d rather people not reblog this post ok

Also apologies because I ended up rambling a lot 

I sort of grew up just like ‘Well i guess I’m straight?’ I remember ‘learning what gay and lesbian meant’ before I finished primary school (probably not in a necessarily positive way because kids are assholes like that but you know I knew what they were) and that I knew that people get married and so well... I guess I’d eventually get married? (Not necessarily an ace thing but I never like really imagined stuff to do with that)

But I remember in primary school when boyfriends and girlfriends started happening and being a bit like ‘uh ok?’and like talking about people being attractive and like ‘uh ok? I don’t get this’

But I mean I was an awkward nerd kid (I still am an awkward nerd ok) and it was like ‘Well I’m not interested? Why are people interested? I’d rather just keep reading books and doing other stuff that everyone seems to have outgrown’ I’m just a kid ok. 

I didn’t have a lot of friends and spent a lot of my childhood and teens quite socially isolated in all honesty. I know in a sense probably some of my social development was a bit jacked up. Also chuck in dyspraxia too and it’s a bit of a mess over there,

I  grew up in a Christian household, now it wasn’t so much like ‘you are banned from dating’ or anything but my parents didn’t talk much about relationships and stuff with me, they’ve never pressured me like ‘You need to date’ or ‘Get married’ or ‘Grandkids now!’ but that and a Christian school sort of just like enforced ‘You just don’t talk about sex, that’s for when you get married and you get married cause you’re supposed to GOD WILL LEAD YOU TO THE RIGHT PERSON’  like not directly? but it was there it wasn’t normal to talk about this stuff

I think when I was around 16 I sort of had a few thoughts like ‘i guess a boyfriend would be nice? I don’t know’ but didn’t put much thought in it, guessed I’d maybe find someone. At 16 I was suddenly chucked back in the real world and around ‘normal’ people my own age after leaving my weird church school . I remember a few cases of ‘we’re talking about sex ehehehe sex!’ and I was just incredibly uncomfortable in those conversations but I mean i was a weird sheltered kid so ofc i’d be uncomfortable right? 

Also online growing up I was sort of exposed to slash and shipping and was a bit like ‘uh ok i don’t get this? people do this but why? IT’S WEIRD’ (thats changed ngl)

Then in about 2012 (20-21 y/old)  at this point for some reason I got it in my head to try online dating? i found a website/app that seemed pretty friendly. I met a guy we start talking we’re getting along pretty well he seems nice. It’s nearing the time there’s a con, there’s a vague idea ‘hey if i go we can meet up in person’, he makes suggestions we should hook up, I’m like ‘Uh I’m not sure’ (I mean we’ve not met in person and so you know it doesn’t seem safe and tbh that was probably the good option anyway) but he seems ok with it we agree to keep talking but that doesn’t happen we can’t get past that awkward hump. I also at that point had gone from ‘further education college’ to ‘unemployed and on benefits’ it was in all not a great point, we don’t talk again It’s not just the awkward conversation but also the mental state I was in.

Then i remember starting to think, starting to sit down. I’d kinda come across the term Ace in a community I was in that wasn’t tumblr but didn’t think much of it other than ‘ok that’s a thing’ but yes tumblr educated me a heck of a lot about stuff ok. I started thinking

Wait why do i think I’m straight? I have no evidence for this? wtf? WHAT IS GOING ON OVER HERE PLEASE SEND HELP

I mean that stuff above all reasons why maybe I was but just very sheltered and lacking a social network as it were (as in a network of people) to go out and hey go and find mr dream man?  I’m just a late bloomer, it’s not the right time, I’m not looking for a relationship right now

But then it was like ‘wait i’ve never crushed on anyone i think? not really?’ ‘Not really on any celebs or people I’ve known or seen?’ and yeah it threw me for a loop a bit. 

Then yes it started clicking I didn’t really seem to feel anything? About anyone?No matter the gender. I mean other than ‘well aww relationships seem nice? I like reading stuff about them? I like seeing happy couples?’ but me in one? me perusing one? wtf is all that about? 

I could see someone and it’s like ‘oh that’s a nice looking person’ but it’s like ‘ok and what does she do with this information?’ people would talk about I WANT TO SLEEP WITH THIS CELEBRITY/MARRY THEM and I’m like ‘I would like to be friends with them? i would like to meet them they seem a nice person’ 

Over time I got used to sex scenes and talking about sex and I learned more about it. it no longer makes me uncomfortable, I’ll discuss it for characters cause ‘hey it’s sort of an element of character development’ and ‘it can be part of a couple’s dynamic’ like ‘Well sex happens’  and well sometimes it can be funny or sweet to come up with scenarios that happen between two characters and so forth. 

I enjoy reading and writing relationships, i enjoy seeing strong couples, i enjoy shipping them together and so forth. I think that stuff is good. Please give me all the media with good relationships, let me embrace the diversity and so forth.

This process of ‘unpacking’ probably took two years and then for for 2 years? I think I’ve been like ‘Ok I’m like 99.8% sure I am ace in some form?’ the little bit is to cover ‘i might be something else and don’t know it yet’ 

I doubt it quite often though that little ‘Maybe I’m a bit screwed up?’ ‘Maybe I’m just too sheltered/too much of a hermit to meet people’ and so on. it’s tiring being under the Questioning Q at times.

But that’s it, it’s just like ‘Nothing there’, it is like that scene from Bojack Horseman with Todd for me. I understand what makes someone ‘sexy’ apparently according to mainstream standards, I can identify an attractive person, I know what love is, I know what relationships are, i know what sex is and so forth but it’s all theoretical? 

It’s like.. how a bird flies I may be able to learn everything about it and then tell you how a bird flies  but I don’t have wings I can’t actually experience what it is to fly with a pair of wings. I just know about it but I don’t seem to feel it. There’s a disconnect of some sort between it and myself like ‘the info is there but what do i do with it?’ fish and a bicycle.

I’m not scared of relationships or commitment, i’m not scared of intimacy and sex i think, I kind of want intimacy (I’m kinda lonely at times in all honestly)  it’s not like I want to run away from it as such. I do think I kind of maybe want a romantic relationship at least once but as to with who I am not sure. But in a sense the thought of entering dating seems a bit of a mindfield considering I can’t even answer ‘Who do you like?’ at this point. And well i’m pretty sure ‘mainstream dating’ is not the place for me, it’s a scary place. 

As far as I can tell I’m not ill, everything works as it should do. Nothing physically/chemically wrong with me. 

I’ve generally been ‘ok’, but then at the same time i’m not really out. I mean to ‘real life’ people I know. People I think just assume I’m chronically single or something. I’ve had a few conversations with people where I’ve just wanted to yell I AM ACE I DO NOT KNOW LEAVE ME ALONG OK PLS THANK YOU

I can’t say if I’m an ‘aroace’ I’m not sure, i don’t think I’m aro but then I can’t really say if I particularly experience romantic attraction to people either I’m still muddling this out over here and have no idea in what direction that’s going to go if any. 

I guess end of this, I am going to be 25 in a couple of days, and well. I’m like 99.8% I am asexual in some form.  

I am ace.