#i have myself a lil boyfrand

[eversncenewyork]

:D

[firelord-frowny]

embarrassing emotions :(

for the literal first time in my life, I'm almost sorta kinda maybe in a way just a little bit partially depending on the day sometimes occasionally every now and then almost slightly feeling lonely enough that Anyone Would Do 😢

literally since the day I first started noticing myself being interested in romance and/or sexuality, I have never once longed for the companionship of someone I didn't already know relatively well and have genuine Friendship Feelings for, on top of the romantic feelings. My first Real Crush was on a boy in the 2nd grade who I was best friends with! We called each other our lil boyfrand and lil girlfrand! And we were friends for like EVER before ~taking that step~ lmfaoooo and by "for like EVER" i mean several weeks, because that IS like "ever" when you're in the 2nd grade lmfao but anyway. The point is that even as a small child, I didn't just go around pining after anyone just because they were cute or just because I wanted to be in a relationship Just To Be In It.

but now here i am almost feeling like i'd rather fucking die than be alone in my room at night with absolutely no one paying attention to me or being the big spoon against me or even acknowledging that i exist.

i just wanna feel somebody wanting to be with me, no matter how fleeting or insincere or shallow.

now, the reason why i say i'm only almost sorta kinda maybe in a way just a little bit partially depending on the day sometimes occasionally every now and then almost slightly feeling like this is because i will literally never actually allow it to happen lmao. point blank period. at no point in time am i ACTUALLY going to seek out or allow myself to be physically involved with someone who I don't have a genuine attraction for, and who doesn't have a genuine attraction for me. like, i would literalllyyyyyy starve to fucking death before i did that. i KNOW that i let myself do such a thing, it would haunt me. i would hate how it felt in the end. until my dying breath, i'd carry the shame of having betrayed one of my personal values that i take the most pride in.

but i still feel the feeling and it's saaaaad. :(

[firelord-frowny]

it is just??? so wiiiild to me that the idea of women ~wanting a dream wedding ever since they were a little girl~ is so ubiquitous omg. like. any time i’ve ever heard somebody say anything like “oh, you know, all women want their dream wedding,” i don’t think i’ve eeever heard anyone interject with “nu uh.” 

i mean i know my transness is kind of a technicality here, but when i was a lil girl child, i neeeeeever ~dreamed~ about any sort of wedding at all lmao. never fantasized about a prince charming or a ring or any of that! 

never dreamed about it as a teenager, either, and i still ain’t dreaming about it as an adult. like. the concept completely escapes me. 

spending a bunch of money on a dress i’m only supposed to wear once??? having to book a venue? send out invitations? pick a cake and food and decorations?? running around stressing about so-and-so being late with the bouquets and the caterers bringing the wrong side dish??? when i could be doing anything else??? I think NOT!!!

if anything, my ~dream wedding~ would prolly just be somewhere dark and cloudless in the middle of the night lmao. that’s literally it. don’t wanna wear anything fancy, don’t need a bunch of guests or special food or anything. just gimmie the sky and my boyfrand and i’m good to go. 

but i would be totally satisfied with just skedaddling on down to the courthouse, signing whatever shit we need to sign, and then going home and going back to bed. 

just??? when i think about all the time and money that gets invested in even a more basic ~traditional american wedding~, all that goes through my head is all the other fun or useful stuff we could have done instead. fuck i look like dropping thousands of dollars on venues and caterers and decorations and planners when i coulda had me a grand ol time at a national park resort?? or treat myself and my huuuusband to a bunch of concerts and plays and whatnot?? we could enroll in a wilderness survival course. we could go on a cross country road trip. there’s SO MUCH STUFF we could do that would be 100x more enjoyable and 10000000x less stressful than a wedding. 

i mean yeah i know that it’s not uncommon for people’s weddings to be at least partially financed by their parents/families, but like. if my fam is gonna drop a bunch of money on me, i need it to be for something i actually want to do lmao.