#i have my issues with both tst and laveyan satanism but

[moonlightchess]

So this blog is mostly autumn/spooky/horror/chess/writing stuff, but I also have a #thoughts tag here that I was recently going through in light of my current coming into satanism as a personal path, and. I think I’ve always been a satanist, friends. Looking back on my past random thoughts, so much of what I’ve had to say over the years strikes me as profoundly in line with that I currently understand to be satanist thought, theory and ideal. Maybe I’m wrong, but here are a few examples.

• my look for the cold months is going to be gentle, weary nihilism. I’m too tired to care anymore that all of my youthful optimism and faith in humanity has dissolved like sugar in warm coffee over the past several years, people are shit and the world is shit and we’re all going to die and the universe doesn’t care about anything or anyone so I might as well care about myself instead. There are no benevolent higher powers and nothing matters, so what’s the point in suffering needlessly on this slow trudge toward death? I’m going to eat healthy and well, I’m going to take long walks and close books that start to suck midway through in favor of better ones. I’m going to stop stressing about how wrong I’ve been all this time about this supposed beautiful and compassionate world that’s been hiding behind all the bullshit, because it never existed and no one cares how much pain anyone else is in ever. Forgiving myself, being good to myself, they’re the only tiny rebellions I have left against the cold void of existence that has become exponentially clear to me.

• on days like these I wonder if maybe the whole rhetoric around worshiping the selflessly kind no matter how much of an asshole someone is being is a myth perpetuated BY the assholes of the world to ensure that there will always be smilingly patient people for them to abuse and bully. What if the world has the potential to be a much better place, but never will be because of those walking saints who take every sling and arrow with a smile? What if what humanity needs is a firmer hand, for all of us to learn to stand up and tell the world that they can respect us or go to hell. What if what we’ve always needed has been tough love amongst ourselves, demands for a better social contract as opposed to meekly aligning ourselves into the kickers and the kicked? I was one of the latter until it turned me into one of the former, and now I’m trying to figure out where I stand. I can never go back to being a people pleaser, anxiously eager to never make waves or speak my mind, but I can never go back to being the toxic, bitter, angry asshole I was ten years ago either. What if what we all need is to tell each other to shut the fuck up and stop hurting each other, instead of all our promotion of gentle, selfless patience for those who don’t deserve it?

• The idea that the best thing to do with an abusive, hostile piece of shit patron in any kind of customer service situation is to reward their shitty behavior with a friendly smile and “kill ‘em with kindness” or what the fuck ever is the most brainwashing bootlicker ass capitalist bullshit we’ve ever collectively succeeded in convincing an entire generation to believe.

• fuck a diamond ring cured in blood. If you want to marry me, buy me a lab opal born of science, buy me a Swiss moonstone I can wear around my neck and under my shirts where our love matters more than anyone else’s approval or opinion. Buy me a violin so I can finally get good enough to write music about how you make me feel. Plant me a garden overgrown with food we can harvest and cook together. Bring me your pillows and silence so we can sit and read tangled up in each other. Get on one knee and tell me that you understand that marriage is and only ever has been an institution of control and status quo, and then get the fuck up off your knees and let’s think freely together. Bring me mysteries and curiosity and spiders carefully deposited outside instead of killed, and I’ll be yours forever, whether our taxes are married or not.

• Hey, don’t let tumblr or anyone else make you feel like a bad person because your trauma has made you angry. Or guarded, bitter, distrustful, depressed, for that matter. I see so much blathering on here about how you “should not let the pain make you hard” and shit, but you know what? Sometimes you can’t “remain soft.” Sometimes you can’t keep on loving humans and being warm and friendly and optimistic despite whatever you’ve been through. If you can, great, but if you can’t, you’re not weak and you’re not a bad person. If you’re angry, if trauma has turned you into a pessimist, then no one gets to tell you that’s not as valid as the supposed angel in the corner shitting light beams and cupcakes simpering at you about how to “stay sweet despite the pain.” Your anger and pain and bitterness are all valid, and you are owed them. Heal on your own terms, in your own time, and don’t let tumblr’s stupid pseudo new-age approach to mental health make you feel bad about yourself.

• God, fuck a whole bunch of sensible self restraint and humility. My whole life has been a blizzard and hurting and need, I don’t feel guilty about my craving to drown in beauty and lush excess. Fuck all the “I just want to be comfortable and safe” rhetoric, we’re allowed to demand more than that for ourselves, especially if life has only shit on us thus far. I want drama and silk, I want violins and velvet. I want a life that’s about me and my needs, not dealing and healing with a mountain of trauma that’s turned me into someone I can’t stand. I’m allowed to want music and romance and fine wines and rich food, I’m allowed to insist upon angels and orgasms. Maybe it’ll never happen for any of us, but why the fuck aren’t we calling for it? We’ve earned it, goddamn.

These are just the most obvious examples that I’ve found on my blog, but I’m starting to suspect that for me, satanism isn’t the discovery of a new journey to take. It’s coming home from one.