#i have managed to attend every exam i've had so far

[camellia-thea]

stress

[maryjanewagner]

A procrastinatory Update

It's 5am and I should be studying statistics. I have this exam on Monday (tomorrow actually...) and I started studying for it two days ago. Well, this time it is really just about passing. Though I am realising by studying that it's actually not that hard and that if I just started a week earlier this exam would have been the easiest thing ever.

What can I do now? ... Writing this is helping ease my anxiety.

Afterward, I’ll sleep, and when I wake up, I’ll tackle all the practice tasks until 7:30pm. Then, I’ll get ready for a special event at the theatre:

The Gala at the theatre

Tomorrow marks our final day before the summer break and the last performance under our current director, who is also as an actor. After 15 years, he will retire from his role as director, leaving a legacy that has made him a well-known, but controversial, figure in our city. His successor will be his wife, a lovely woman who, in many ways, reminds me of myself. I believe she feels a similar kinship. However, it deeply troubles me that she tolerates her husband's blatant infidelities. She deserves far better, and I am disappointed by her acceptance of such treatment.. She is about 55, childless and is a workaholic. It will be an honour to be working for her, hence I am also so excited to be part of this historic moment tomorrow. Nonetheless, the future of our theater looks challenging. We are a private establishment and receive minimal financial support from the city or government, leaving our continued existence uncertain.

Anyway, without sounding arrogant, I already know that I will be the best dressed tomorrow. I always manage to impress, just like at the Christmas party last year where I felt incredibly overdressed. This time, there's no such thing as overdressing. The mayor of the city will be attending, along with many local and even some nationally renowned figures. I am looking forward, but I should also not forget that studying is still what I should focus on today. On another note:

I did not get the job as a research assistant

I tried hard not to get my hopes up, but I still ended up extremely disappointed. Being a student research assistant is my dream. I would love to be part of a current research project. Being an official, even paid, part of academia would be the best thing for my ego. It would open doors to meet other researchers and finally make me feel part of an academic community—something I've always longed for.

Recently, I realized that working with researchers seems to be my only way of being part of such a community right now. Establishing a friend circle with people my age who are informed, passionate, and not just pretentious seems impossible, considering I don't even have one friend like this. I’m not saying such people don’t exist, but the ones I meet who are my age are either uninterested or, if they are interested, they’re very arrogant and unapproachable.

My only friend who is passionate about and successful in academia, yet not arrogant, is 15 years older than me. Meeting him is a blessing I still cannot comprehend, and I am endlessly thankful every day for our friendship. But it’s a rare kind of friendship, and I can't expect other researchers to befriend me like this. In the end, where and how?

So, as I realized, the only way to get close to them is by working for them. Since no one at the institutes where I study is looking for a student assistant, I recently had this unconventional idea of emailing some professors or researchers to see if I could help them—just for the experience, without even getting paid. It feels a bit awkward, but in the end, what do I have to lose? That being said I want to end on a hopeful note:

the café of the arthouse cinema

is where I did get a job. The team seems young, and supportive of each other. I will recieve tips and I will be able to watch the movies for free. Also, with that job I will be an integral part of two very important cultural institutions of this city. What else could I wish for?

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP here. Probably in a loop. I've got a boyfriend, don't have many friends, not welcomed by family members and busy studying for exams. I feel like shit. On the verge of crying every second, or exploding. As soon as I wake up I just feel scared, anxious, unstable, like I need to break out of a jail but I don't know how. I've had depression and social anxiety in the past; I was able to break out of it but I'm afraid it's coming back. I can't afford therapy now, but I think my boyfriend will pay for it if I ask.

I'd like for you to give me advice on one thing: I'm stuck in the past. I try to live in the present as much as I can, but things happen everyday that remind me I was happier in the past. I lost a person that I considered my future, they're not even themselves anymore, and my whole idea of the future shattered after that. I can't dream anymore, or enjoy what I'm doing, because the pain is just too much every second. If I can't instantly create a new situation where I feel as safe as I used to feel, I'm afraid I'll be stuck like this forever. I don't care what kind of situation, I don't care about what I need to do, I'll do anything -- I just fucking want to be okay. I'm never okay. Please, help me.

-----------------

I get that you just want to be okay but the issues you're raising don't have quick fixes. It sounds like you've left problems festering for quite some time and there might be many factors that have to be addressed to get you back on the right track.

1) Immediate Help: It sucks that you have to, but you shouldn't put a price on your health. If you really need to speak with a professional, find a way to make it happen, and worry about the cost later. Many schools provide free mental health services, start there. Some cities have free or low cost mental health services, so look into them. You can also search for online services in your country if you live in a remote area.

2) Medium-Term Development: You seem to be bottling up a lot of feelings and emotions and now reaching some kind of breaking point. This indicates that you haven't been attending properly to your emotional health for far too long. If you had a good habit of caring for your feelings and emotions, you would have listened to them earlier on, and they wouldn't have reached this desperate state. Depending on the underlying cause of your emotional problems, there are a lot of things you can learn for improving your emotional intelligence and ameliorating negative emotions, such as: mindfulness, reframing, big-picture thinking, assertiveness, adaptability, creativity, time management, planning/organization, service and devotion, etc. See the articles about Emotional Health and the related books on the resources page.

3) Long-Term Development: Being stuck in the past is an indication of Si loop, which requires Ne development. Wanting to blow up your life due to lack of self-care is an indication of Te grip, which requires restoration of dominant Fi. These concepts are already explained in the study guides, please read them. As for restoring healthy Fi, the first thing you should remember is that it's okay to not be okay. Have empathy and compassion for yourself. The recovery process cannot truly begin until you get back in touch with yourself, pay proper attention to your emotional needs, and treat yourself as deserving of love and care.

[hyeque]

prohibited kisses [kuroo tetsurō]

notes: based on diana's post here and also inspired by my horrible life choices of doing this very thing. anyways this is dedicated to @kuroosruby :] <3

warnings: reader not being very bright, kuroo being a menace but for our own good, delayed smooching 🤕

ah exam season. every college students favorite time of the year. there's nothing like the tense atmosphere that fills the air, students stress at an all time high and a seemingly endless amount of work that needed to be done. students found themselves busier and less time to attend to friends or leisure as they pour their focus into their studies.

except for you.

you are the master of procrastination. it's the one thing that surprisingly hadn't bit you in the ass. you always manage to put things off until the last minute to be completed and spend hours on hours not moving. sometimes your habits were so bad that you end up with minimum sleep and not enough to eat.

your boyfriend kuroo is the complete opposite of you though.

he always manages to lay things out in an organized manner, knowing when he would do things and get them done. he used his planner religiously, color coding and laying out dates for when he would work on something. it's one of the things you love and envy about him. of course when saying that the only thing he said was, "well all you have to do is stop being lazy."

lets just say you weren't exactly happy to hear that.

exam season for both of you made it hard for you to spend time together. kuroo is always frustrated because when he set aside time to spend time with you, you often had to work on something. and with working always came with you being sidetracked.

such as right now. he clicks his tongue, watching you pick up your phone for the third time within five minutes. you idly scroll, not focusing on your work.

eventually you get up and go to the bathroom. your phone lays on the couch. kuroo doesn't hesitate to reach over and grab it, stuffing it in his pocket.

when you come back, you sit down, almost immediately noticing the absence of your cellular device.

you get up, spinning around. you look over at your boyfriend. "tets, have you seen my pho-" you frown once you find it in his hands.

he waves it around. “oh, this?”

"i've been looking for that. thanks." you go to grab the device from the man’s hands but he jerks out of your grasp. thinking he's joking around you reach for it again, but he repeats his previous action.

you frown. "what are you doing?"

he smirks. "the real question is what are you not doing?"

you squint. "huh?"

kuroo points to your laptop. "your homework. you haven't done any of it. i've been watching you since you've gotten here and you're still on the same assignment."

"not true! i got pretty far!" you argue.

kuroo huffs out a laugh. "kitten, you've been on the same third paragraph."

you look away. “well i'm going to get it done."

he arches a brow, leaning into you. you can smell his cologne and it makes your heart race. "yeah, baby? and when is that?"

he takes your silence as an answer and sighs.

“all i’m saying is, is that you really need to break your habit of procrastinating. it’s not fun seeing you all stressed out.” he crosses his arms, looking at you with worry.

“i know, but it’s hard…” you try to curl into his touch like you usually do, but he moves away. you whine, clinging onto his bicep and he tsks, shaking his head.

"no, you don't get to touch me. you have to earn that." he says, pulling your hands off of him.

“what?” you sputter, astonished that he would say such a thing. call you spoiled, but kuroo rarely ever told you no to things that you wanted, especially if it was affection.

“until your work is done, you’re not allowed to touch me, got it? that means no kisses either.”

at this point your jaw is on the floor. “t-that's not fair! you're just going to sit there looking all handsome and sexy and i can't touch you?"

kuroo finds your mini tantrum amusing and laughs. "awe, that's cute of you to say, but sweet talking isn't going to change my mind." he coos, bopping you on the nose.

“think of it as your ‘punishment’ since we were supposed to spend time together today and not work.” he says, sitting across the table from you.

guilt sparks within you and you nod, finding that fair.

you sit back down in front of your computer, sighing heavily.

"you'll be fine. i'll be right here the whole time to help you with anything. okay?” he reassures, looking over at you.

kuroo keeps his word, occasionally checking in on you and looking over anything you need help with. he makes the two of you snacks, reminding you gently to eat and drink water when you get to caught up what you’re doing. he lets you go on your phone only when you have small breaks but reminds you when you should start working again. he doesn’t get mad when you ask for help. he’s so patient and understanding through all of this. he’s never overbearing when it comes to caring about you and that’s something that you always will appreciate.

but that doesn’t mean that not kissing him isn’t killing you…

that evening, he watches over your shoulder as you finish your last assignment for the day. submitting it you let out a small cheer and he hums in approval.

you peer over at him with big eyes as he goes to sit on the couch. fidgeting in your spot, you hope that he’ll grant you the relief you want but you don’t want to make it look too obvious that you’re needy.

kuroo must be a mind reader because a smirk appears on his face when he turns to you. "come here, princess." he says, beckoning you over to him.

finally.

hesitantly, you get up and sit next to him, leaving a significant amount of space between you two. pettiness and agitation from your earlier feelings start to resurface.

"no," he snaps his fingers, "here," pointing to his lap. he can tell that you’re being bratty and he isn’t tolerating it.

you move across his lap, making sure to look him in the eyes, a pout on your face to show how miserable you felt without his touch for the past few hours. it must work because his demeanor is suddenly soft.

a smile crosses his face and he tickles your sides. “don’t pout, i want to see your pretty smile.”

your pout remains. “i’ll smile if you kiss me.”

he rolls his eyes playfully. the both of you knew he suffered as much as you did if not more without a kiss.

“whatever you want…you’re lucky you’re cute.”

the kiss is sweet but quickly becomes eager and hungry. he groans against your mouth, his hands bringing you closer to him. your hands run through his wild locks. the two of you can’t get enough of each other.

when you both pull away he runs his thumb over your cheek endearingly. "you did so good baby, and worked so hard today. so proud of you. now you won't have to cram sunday, see how that all works out?"

his praise makes you melt and you bury your face in his neck, humming in agreement. “i’m sorry i ruined our day. i know i should’ve worked ahead of time so we’d actually spend time together.”

he kisses your forehead and both of your cheeks. “you didn’t ruin anything. studies are important and i just want the best for you, that’s all. we can still do something, so what do you want to do now?”

you lay your head in his shoulder, closing your eyes. “don’t want to move. just want to stay like this.” you respond, clinging to him tighter before springing up. “actually, can we watch some movies?”

a laugh escapes him at your burst of energy. “okay, but not too late. we have to make sure you work on your other homework tomorrow.” he reminds, patting you on the butt.

you frown. “but it’s not that much, do we really need to-” you’re cut short when you notice the stern look on his face that says ‘try me’ before you sigh.

“okay…”

needless to say, you began procrastinating way less to avoid that entire situation from happening again.

do not copy and or repost. likes, reblogs, and comments are appreciated though! (c) 2022 hyeque

[justamonkeyonautopilot]

So I've just finished my first week (induction week) at level c at University. It didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped it will, before starting back I changed courses. Well half of my course as I'm doing a combined honours. I thought that all my dreams had come at once as I got a place on what essentially was baby Nat's dream course. I was finally going to act. But it became not as simple as that.

Last week I still didn't have the correct timetable, I didn't know what I should do to speak with student finance. I wasn't sure what campus I was on as I was originally on two which were opposite sides of the city. My doctors were messing around with my anxiety medication and the finish of the week in grand style my Uncle (Granddads baby brother) died. Leaving my Granddad who I care for reeling. So not only was I anxious that I knew nothing about where I was meant to be, who I was meant to be with, how I was going to pay, what books I'd need or when I was supposed to be there. I now had this uncontrollable guilt that I was leaving my Granddad behind on his own after loosing his brother.

This kicked off my stress disorder leaving me with migraines, further panic attacks and my hair falling out. Not to mention the chronic fatigue. All this was going on while I was still training for dance exams and a show. I became one of the most negative people anyone could wish to meet leading up to this week and during it. My poor dance teacher had to listen to most of my negativity these last few weeks and calm me down....sorry Janet.

I finally got my timetable on Friday night of last week and then the uni's hub where you get your work off decided to kick me off my film courses information which left me feeling deflated as it was just another problem to add to the mix. But I pushed on anyway and continued to tell myself that it was my dream course we're going to love it.

Sadly this hasn't been true, I got there on Monday to find the campus I'll be attending is not enforcing any and I mean ANY covid guidelines. The first introduction to the campus the theatre was crammed full of students and out of them all only myself and a lad I later learned was called Harvey were wearing masks. Thankfully the talk ended slightly early and I could leave as it was all I had that day. Believing that Tuesday would be better I carried on being hopeful. Tuesday however was not better, I turned up for my class early in the hopes of finding my room. The security who had been lovely the day before were short and snappy when I asked for help. When I eventually found the theatre I managed to calm down and ended up talking to Harvey I'd mentioned before. One of the lecturers turned up and let us all in as by the time it came to the class there were 42 students all crammed in one tiny hallway. This was only supposed to be a introductory class so we were not supposed to be doing anything practical however this lecturer had other ideas. After only talking for 20 minutes out of the 2 hours she decided to get everyone up on their feet as we were going to do ice breaker and team building exercises. She made us stand in a circle and this was the horrible moment when my brain realised the exit was blocked and we were starting to play a game similar to those played at the youth event I attended as a teen where I got attacked. This kicked off my PTSD and I spent the rest of the day locked in my own head, slowly decending into a panic attack. I was having to take time to control my breathing at every opportunity, my eyes were constantly mapping out my exits and whether I had a chance to run given the opportunity. We were once again surrounded in a cramped place without people wearing masks and we had also been asked to remove them at this point and I had never felt as trapped in years as I had done that night. The minute the class ended although I had a film one that afternoon I just couldn't stay I needed to get as far away from the university as possible and as I live 30 minutes on public transport away I saw that as my great escape.

I have never been so grateful for a day off as I was on Tuesday. No matter how many anxiety tablets j took that day or on Wednesday was taking the fear away from me. So when I went back in on Thursday I was a mess before class even started. Thankfully some lovely bloke saw me walking into the building shaking and looking more lost than a year 7 on their first day. He stepped in and walked me to my class chatting to me to try to calm me down. When he left I ended up locking myself in the toilets next to my classroom as I felt so unwell I thought I was going to faint. Pushing myself to actually go and stand outside my class 10 minutes before it was to start I started to calm down when talking to someone who would actually be in my tutorial class. Everything about these drama classes have left me feeling uncomfortable and out of place. The tutorial turned into a seminar of sorts where he got us performing chunks of scripts this being after I'd told him on the break about my LSP and him coming over in front of the class to ask if I'm okay with reading through the scripts out loud because of my anxiety. It just felt like every class went from one disaster to another. Especially as by this point on Thursday night I'd nearly been in two bus crashes.

So today I had to remind myself I hadn't actually taken a film class yet. The tutor had seemed lovely over emails. The building was different (so different it was like a bloody maze!) So I picked myself up and threw myself onto the bus at the crack of dawn (as this campus has no student parking) and kept telling myself as I listened to a podcast interviewing Toby Stephens I was going to be okay. I arrived at uni and just tried walking as confidently as I could to the building I knew it was in. That's when I also realised that all the alarms on the campus were going off and no one knew why. Ignoring them as I didn't want to even risk a panic attack starting I started walking through the building and got lost twice. The second tutor I spoke to for help showed me to the room I'd be in and they had an actual waiting area which had comfy chairs. This was the first time this week I had somewhere that wasn't a hard floor to sit down and just breathe before class. As my friend Callum got shown as I texted him overly excited for the prospect of comfy chairs. When the tutor turned up I started to feel my anxiety slightly increase but from the moment the class started it was nothing like drama had been previously in the week. Everyone had masks on and he requested they stay on. He was so kind and good at putting everyone at ease and made it so easy to talk in class to put your input in. It was like a dream. I'm just glad that I could end the week on this. That this is what I need to focus on for getting myself up on Monday morning. I'm just hoping that drama eventually becomes like my film course.

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[lareinenoir]

Bucky Barnes x My Black! OC pt III LAST CHAPTER

Warning: about 5k, use of the word n word, angst

@littlekidsteve

A/N; idk why it took me so long to post smh. But here is the last chapter. Enjoy!

"Barnes!" Shouted one of his buddies. "Gotta letter for you."

"Thanks." He said taking it from his hand, then sat back on the bunk with the envelope in his hand.

Bucky,

I was so close to getting in. I would have been on the first ride out of Brooklyn to fight. But the government isn't that desprate. "We don't need some stupid kid."

Don't pity me. They'll need me someday. Beggers can't be choosers, right?

Anyway, I did as you asked. I'm looking out for her. She's living her life and getting ready for a job interview. Her exams went very well and she had one of the highest scores. Margaret-Jane had a seizerure a couple weeks ago and I would have sent this sooner but no one wants to read news thats all bad.

She's happy and doing very well now. I managed to keep it a secret that you've been asking about her. Though I almost broke when she had asked about you. If you're wondering if Margaret-Jane still cares, then you have nothing to worry about. She does

She feels guilty for telling you not to think about her. She misses you and I see it when I talk to her about you.

My advice, when you come back don't waste time. Just ask her again and I guarantee you that she'll say yes. Margaret-Jane will need you now more than ever, Buck.

Your friend,

Steve

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"Hey." Steve waved as Margaret-Jane sits on the porch.

"Salut!" (Hi!) She waves back holding on her purse hugging him.

"How are you?" Steve asks "Both-"

"We are fine." Margaret-Jane replied with a hand on her little bump. "Kathleen gave me some pills and I take them everyday. No worries."

With his hands in his pocket he kicks the little rock on the ground. Margaret-Jane had been out of the hospital for a couple days and was told not to stress to much. Her grandmother already suspected but respected her granddaughter enough not to mention it.

"You sent your letter, oui?" She asked

"I did." Steve nods. "Don't worry, I didn't tell him. He won't know."

"Thank you. It is appreciated very much. I wouldn't even know how to tell him." She giggled flattening out her dress. "How does one even begin to explain that? I love him but what if he is not ready?"

"Bucky isn't like that. You know that." Steve said as they continued to walk down the street.

"Right. I knew that, I think it's just my nerves. Forgive me. Look I have an interview in thirty minutes. Perhaps we could finish this talk at another time."

"Of course." Steve nodded as she wrapped her arms around him in an embrace. "What's this for?"

"For being a good friend through all of this." She said. "You and Hector have been such good people to me since ma grand-mère and I moved here."

"No problem." He says as she places a kiss on his cheek making the little Steve Rogers blush. "Go on. You don't wanna be late." The shy blonde haired boy watched her walk away, shoving his hands back in his pockets.

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Sitting down in front of the head mistress, Margaret-Jane tried not to shake as much. She was nervous and her stare over her glasses wasn't helping.

"You have all the right paper work and this would be your first time working at a school?" Asks the headmistress

"Yes and no, Mrs. Powell." She tells her. "I've worked in a school before but just for experience back in France. I could have them give you a call if you'd-"

"No need Ms. Robinson." She shakes her head then stands. "I like your resume, but here you are noticeable. And it's up to you to work up to your potential. You'll find that you are the only colored teacher here and the parents can be quite...judgemental." said the headmistress as Margaret-Jane stands walking to the door. "Parlor Prep is a school for gifted children. Children who could change the world. And parents would want a teacher they can trust. You will have to work harder than any other teacher here because-"

"I am a woman of color." She said trying to smile through it as they walked the halls.

"Correct. You'll be leading your own class and of course you are responsible for everything. If one kid so much as fails a test, you are fired."

"Mrs. Powell, you are saying I'm hired?" Asks Margaret-Jane trying to sound casual but inside she was jumping.

"Yes, you are." The headmistress answers. "I'm sure you and your husband will be-"

"Pardon?" Margaret-Jane questions. "Husband?"

"Ms. Robinson, the application said you had to be married or engaged. In the past we've had men come and visit their significant other here at Parlor Prep and then the next week a different man. At one point it was one of the students father and when the mother found out things got out of hand." The headmistress informs her. "Since then, the teachers that come in have to be married or engaged to avoid a confortation like that."

"I see." Margaret-Jane nods lowley. She wasn't married and felt her heart sank. This was the school she wanted to work at. It paid a lot of money. It would get her and her grandmother out of that house and into a better one.

"Jane!" Shouted a voice making her turn around. "Jane!"

"Hector?" She asks frowning as to why he was shouting and running in the hall. "What on earth-"

"You forgot this. Your grandmother wanted me to bring it to you in case you have another seizure." Says Hector handing her the tiny pill bottle. "We need the both of you safe right?" He laughs

The headmistress, peeks over her glasses and extends her hand. "You must be Ms. Robinson's husband." Hector shakes her hand and laughs.

"Well you see-"

"Yes." Margaret-Jane says taking his hand into hers, locking them together securely. "He is. Hector this is headmistress, Powell. I was just about to tell her that you and I are finally engaged after so long. Engaged or Married to get the job." Giggled Margaret-Jane then looks to the headmistress. "It took him two years but be finally proposed." She gives Hector a stare

"Right." He catches on. "She was so beautiful when I first saw her. Still is. Now we are about to have our first kid-"

Margaret-Jane elbowed him and smiled through her teeth, "Darling, I didn't think that was important to tell headmistress Powell."

"Well that is important. Ms. Robinson, I hope this isn't going to a problem? The students come before anything outside this building."

"Right. I understand. My priority is here, promise."

"Good." She nods. "I'll see you here tomorrow. Your folder with your classroom number will be on it and so will the attendance sheet. At the end of the month you'll receive a two three-thousand dollar check. Don't disappoint me, Ms. Robinson."

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NINE MONTHS LATER

Bucky was working hard to make sergeant and when he finally did, he finally could walk around in glory.

The other men would roll their eyes but they still had respect. He was their sergeant now and he led them through morning drill and PT. He was glad because the pay was good bed get a giant rock to go on his lovers hand.

He meant it. Marrying her. She may not know it's coming or the world but he wanted too. Marrying Major was what he thought about everyday. When he was getting shot at from all direction. When he was wide awake in the trench firing his gun. When he did get that little bit of shut eye he dreamt of her.

Bucky was ready. Some of the men would give up but not him. He had something to fight for and Bucky didn't want to come home in a body bag. He didn't want to hurt Major all over again.

Bucky wanted to be their for her every step of the way and prove himself to her. What better way to do it with a ring that showed how much he loves her. How much we was willing to invest into her.

"James Barnes." Said his supirior. "You are on leave for a couple weeks."

"Well it's about damn time." He chuckles. "A few days makes a difference."

"You take care Barnes." Said one of his buddies patting him on the back. "And get that ring, ya hear?"

"You got it." He winked "When do I leave?"

"Fist thing tomorrow morning. Don't be late."

"Yes, sir."

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"You feeling any better, Jane?" Asks Hector seeing she was looking through some papers.

"Define better?" She answers grumpily. "I don't think I can do this any longer, I'm supposed to be glowing."

"Three more weeks Jane and it will all be worth it." Said Tommy laughing kissing his boyfriend on the cheek.

Hector and Jane did end up getting married. It worked out well for both of them. Hector didn't have to come out to his dad and when he did meet Margaret-Jane he was thrilled. He already planned the wedding but Margaret-Jane didn't want one.

"I'll wear white for Bucky and only him." She told Hector and he understood.

They got married at a courthouse and Hector and Tommy continued to sleep around in secret. Tommy would come over every week to the house, Hectors father bought and to everyone else he was just a friend.

Margaret-Jane got the job and was really good at it. Her grandmother used the money to open a bakery in the nicer part of town and no one would ever know about what was going on.

Not even Steve. Even though she wanted to tell him, she thought it was best to keep the people who knew small. Her grandmother didn't know and that was the way it had to be.

Steve understood and took the news of her engagement quite well. He understood women without a husband who was about to have a child wouldn't make it far. Those women were always looked down at and degraded.

A child out of wedlock or worse...a bastard.

"I love him and I'll never stop loving him Steve." She told him. "But this isn't just about my love for him anymore. I have a baby to think about and what's best for him or her. I know Hector will be a good father to my baby while he's gone. When Bucky comes back, he'll always be apart of its life if he wants too."

Steve kept that in mind. Margaret-Jane wasn't the betraying type even though it felt like that to him.

"Look, I have to get to work and I promised my grandmother Hector, you would visit." She said "She wanted to tryout a new macaroon flavor."

"Yeah sure." He nods helping her stand from off the couch.

Tommy gave her hug. "Tommy, do I look fat?"

"No way." He shakes his head kissing hers. "You look absolutely ravishing. Like a glowing angel. The midwife should be here later on today."

"Aw. You are sweet " She blushed "I'll see you both tonight."

Hector walked her to the door and drives Margaret-Jane to work.

Margaret-Jane started her class on time and greeted the students one by one. All dropped off by their mothers and all twelve of them entered into her class. She did loose quite a few, the mothers weren't to keen on there child having a black teacher.

A lot of the other teachers said teaching kindergarten was hard, but for her, it was easy. Margaret-Jane fell in love with their curious minds.

"Miss. Robinson?"

"Not now, Luke. I have to take attendance." She tells him

"Miss. Robinson, I have a question. A very important question." He interrupted again making her turn to him biting her lip.

"Ok, what is it, Luke?"

"My mommy and daddy said you used to date a white man." Luke said, as her body tensed up and she swallowed. "He said that a nigga shouldn't date outside of their race. Then mommy said that, everyone will know for sure if that baby belongs to a white man if he is mulatto."

Margaret-Jane didn't even think about that. Her baby was both black and white-

"Luke, do you think it's wrong for a black female and white male or vice versa to be in love?"

"Well..." He pokes his chin and shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe."

Margaret-Jane went up to the chalkboard and wrote the word in big letters, '

IGNORANT

• Lacking in knowledge

"Can anyone say this word for me?" Asks Margaret-Jane

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Bucky was back in Brooklyn in no time. He went straight to Steve's and asked him to come buy a ring with him.

"So...you are really doing it?" Asks Steve "Don't you think you should wait?"

"I've waited long enough. I wanna make it official, Steve. So...do you think she'll like it?"

"No doubt but her grandmother knows nothing of you-"

"Then I'll go to her today and ask for her blessing. I'm sure she'll say yes again." Bucky pays his best friend on the shoulder and walks out the store, shortly after paying for the ring.

"Tell me how everything goes. I'll see you at Starks presentation?" Asks Steve still not sure if they were going

"Yeah. I'll come and get you." He nods making his way down the street to Margaret-Jane neighborhood.

He adjusted his uniform and tried to look his best. Bucky knocked and stepped off the porch waiting for the door to open.

"Hello?" She asks opening the door. "And who might you be?"

"Hello Miss..."

"Mrs. Allard." She says with a smile as Bucky reaches out to shake her hand. A bit hesitant she shook it and asked, "Sergeant Barnes, is there something I can do for you?"

"Yes." He nods "I actually wanted to ask you'd something but I do have a lot of explaining to do and I wanted to come and ask you first..." He started to rant and all she did was smile and nod her head.

"Sergeant Barnes, if you're looking for Margaret-Jane then I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. She's not here, but at work."

A bit shocked that she knew he was looking for Margaret-Jane, he was even more surprised when Mrs.Allard told him how she knew they were dating. "I'm not as old and clueless as my dear grand daughter thinks me to be. I know things. Besides, the neighbors told me that a few times you come over and sneak into her bedroom."

"Mrs. Allard I promise you nothing happened." Bucky says but was very confused as to why she was laughing as if it was a joke.

Mrs. Allard invited Bucky inside where he asked for her blessing and she agreed. She made him promise to take good care of Margaret-Jane and he did so.

He walked up to the school and everyone saw the uniform thanking him for his service. Bucky, of course, waved and acknowledged their thanks. Going to the headmistress office, he asked for, "Margaret-Jane Robinson?"

"She's teaching a class as if right now. Perhaps you could come back later." Said the headmistress

Bucky figured she wasn't going to let him in so he lied,"Actually I'm here to just check on my nephew. I haven't seen him in a while is it OK if I just peek. I won't disturb your class."

The headmistress thought for a moment and then nodded him off in the direction. "Just look at the classroom numbers, underneath it should be the teacher names."

He thanks her and walls to the classroom his heart thumping with anticipation against his chest. When he peeked through the window he heard her french voice.

"Luke, what did we learn today about ignorance?"

"That love has no color." He answers

"Not just that but ignorance is what the cowards and small minded people carry around because most of the time they are very bitter and sad."

Bucky's face dropped when she turbed. Hand on her hips to support her belly poking out from her dress. Bucky shook his head in utter shock and remembered to breath. His beloved Margaret-Jane was pregnant.

"Who?" He whispers

"Pretty isn't she?" Asks a voice and he turned to see one of the teachers outside the classroom. "Pretty for someone her color. I'm almost jealous."

"Yeah." Bucky nodded smiling.

"Her husband is pretty too. Don't know how she got so lucky. Shes gonna be on maternity leave soon. She's due in a couple weeks." Said the redhead

"Husband?" Bucky questions "What do you mean?"

"Hector. He's a poet and they've been married for a while. They say if you are in the first years of marriage, you're still a newlywed." She giggled "anyway, did you need something?"

Bucky had already started walking. He didn't look back but Margaret-Jane did. Out the corner of her eye she thought she spotted him but it was all in her head right.

Bucky stayed for Starks presentation and went back to the military. He didn't think about Margaret-Jane anymore because whoever she was with, she was happy. She was happy enough to marry him and have a kid with him.

There was a little regret. A little voice saying to ask to make sure. What if...what if that baby was...no. It couldn't be.

"You OK Barnes?" Asks someone in his platoon. "You seem...out of it. What happened with that girl you talked about marrying?"

"She moved on." He answers

"My gramps used to say, the saddest part about life is saying goodbye to the person you want to spend a lifetime with."

And it was true. He was sad. And in the back of his mind, a distant memory really, was that little barn turned into a house. His three boys and Margaret-Jane sitting on the porch waiting for him to come home.

The End

[hawkeyedflame]

Hey, I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by asking this in question but would you say it's possible to have executive dysfunction while still being able to perform well in school? I don't have trouble with assignments but I've been wanting to read a book that sits in a cupboard 5 centimeters from me ever since October and haven't been able to force myself to open it. Could this be explained by EFD or should I look into something else? Or maybe I'm just lazy lol idk

It is absolutely possible. I excelled in high school while also committing myself to cross country and indoor/outdoor track sixs days a week for five years. I graduated with 15 varsity letters, over thirty medals at district and state meets, a 4.0 GPA, special or high honors every semester, 97th+ percentile on my SATs, 4s and 5s on all six AP exams, early acceptance to University with a merit scholarship, etc etc. I could go on but you get the point: you can have executive dysfunction and be successful in school.

[This got really long so I’m putting a readmore]

You might be wondering how I managed all those achievements if I have this disorder that I say I have. That’s normal. Most people hear “ADHD” and think “hyperactive child who can’t focus in school.” While that’s sometimes true, it’s far from an all-inclusive representation. The answer to my previous academic success, I’ve realized, is that I relied very heavily on externally-imposed structureLet me walk you through one of my days in high school, and you’ll see just how much of my routine was being enforced externally.

My alarm went off every day at 6:20am, and my dad made sure I was out of bed by 6:30 before he went to work. He usually made steel cut oats and left some for me. My mom always made sure there was enough food in the house so I could make my own lunch. I let the chickens out before leaving for school.I went to school for six hours of short (50 mins) classes of 18-25 students, where my teachers knew me (and my parents) and where phones and laptops were strictly forbidden. Notes were taken on paper only and homework assignments were due the next class, and everything was graded. Agendas were given out at the beginning of each year and we were expected to use them every day. Parents would be notified if behavioral or performance issues arose.After school I went to cross country or track practice where the captains led us through warm ups and then the coach told us what sort of training we were doing that day. They often timed us and recorded our progress over the season/years.After practice I went home, where my mom was starting dinner, and I did my homework that I had to do if I didn’t want to get a 0 and have a parent-teacher conference. I ate dinner, did the dishes because that was my chore, put the chickens away, worked on more homework, and then by 9:30pm my mom would be berating me to go to bed. I didn’t have a smartphone or a computer so it wasn’t possible for me to lay in bed staring at a screen all night. On weekends I cleaned the bathrooms and vacuumed the house because that was my job. Somewhere in there I also cleaned the chicken coop and attended to their food and water.Rinse and repeat.

If you look at that routine, you’ll see only two tasks that I truly did on my own: making my lunch and putting the chickens in/out. I didn’t want to go hungry at school, so I made myself food. And I frequently forgot to let the chickens out (and put them back in, but fortunately we had a solid run that kept predators out). Everything else that appears to be self-discipline was actually motivated by desire to avoid external punishment. And that punishment was very real to me because it was always immediate and harsh.Late for school? Detention. Phone in class? Confiscated, sometimes detention. Didn’t take notes/do the homework? 0s in class, parents notified, not allowed to participate in sports, absolutely grounded. Skipping practice? Not allowed to participate in meets, possibly kicked off the team, definitely in trouble with Mom and Dad. Don’t do chores? Time to get yelled at. Don’t take care of the chickens? They might die and then I’d be in huge trouble. Stay up too late? Yelled at.Everything I did was motivated not by desire to serve my own future, but desire to avoid immediate negative consequence. And I didn’t have hobbies for myself. I liked reading but I didn’t have much time for it. I didn’t play video games, surf social media, watch TV, go to the movies, or do anything purely for enjoyment’s sake.

When I went to college, all of that structure disappeared. I didn’t do a sport because I couldn’t compete at a Division I school (partially due to joint pain). My classes were large, long, and spaced out throughout the day, with weird breaks between them. Most professors didn’t care if we had phones or laptops, and often we actually needed them for class. Homeworks were due online, sometimes two weeks from when they were assigned. Grades were posted online. No warning for poor performance, no teacher giving me a talking to, no parent-teacher conference. Nobody told me when to do homework. Nobody told me when to eat (or to go grocery shopping). Nobody made sure I went to bed or got up in the morning. Nobody kept me from playing video games or scrolling social media all day.Nothing except my own desire to succeed held me accountable for managing my time and working hard in class, and like I said, I didn’t have that desire. People with ADHD don’t have that. Motivation and self-discipline stem primarily from aversion to negative long-term consequences, even more so than from desire to obtain positive outcomes. This is because negative emotion is felt more strongly and for a longer duration than positive emotion. It keeps neurotypical people on track. But people with ADHD lack the ability to “see” the long term consequences of not doing what we need to do, when it needs to be done. That’s why we are chronic procrastinators. We favor instant gratification over delayed gratification because we fail to integrate awareness of far-off consequences into our daily actions. In other words, people with ADHD struggle to orient their behavior towards their goals because it is difficult for our brains to recognize things in the future as real.

And so, because of all that stuff under the surface, I floundered and flailed. I didn’t know how to hold myself responsible and I didn’t know how to ask for help. And I was depressed. I was so depressed. And anxious. And losing weight because I wasn’t remembering to eat. And that made my body weak, it made my hands shake and it made my brain dull and foggy. I was being treated for depression and anxiety because nobody saw the other half of my history. The part where I crumbled the moment I had to hold myself up. It was missed entirely until I stumbled across information about rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is only experienced by people with ADHD, and I realized that rejection by my parents was what drove that fear of consequence that had been motivating me all my life. When I started looking at my history through the lens of inattentive ADHD, the picture became clear. It wasn’t laziness or depression that was stopping me, it was executive dysfunction.

So my point in all this is YES, it is 100% possible and is actually quite common for people with executive dysfunction to excel in structured academic environments. It’s especially normal for people whose ADHD is dominated by inattentive symptoms over hyperactive ones. One of the major reasons why many young women are not diagnosed until their late teens/early 20s is because they’re more often inattentive, not hyperactive, and so their executive dysfunction doesn’t become apparent until they enter an environment, such as university or a job, where they are expected to hold themselves entirely accountable for their own positive outcomes.

As for you personally, I can’t diagnose you. I can say that what you described is possibly a symptom of executive dysfunction, but I don’t know enough about you or your behavioral history to say whether or not you should consider seeking a professional opinion. If you are experiencing deficiencies in your self-discipline/motivation/memory/attention that are disrupting your quality of life, and if you can identify those as patterns throughout your life history, then you may have reason to see a psychologist. If your symptoms are confined to inconsequential/nonessential things like reading a book you’ve been wanting to read, I wouldn’t worry about it too much as I’m fairly certain that’s a normal experience for most neurotypical people.

Anyways thanks for coming to my TED talk, sorry for taking fifty million years to get to the point.

[deathtodickens]

I saw the info you added on the 911 post. Now I'm curious about how one even becomes a dispatcher? I'm sorry if that's a dumb question, I've never gotten a clear answer from someone else :(

It's not a dumb question at all.

Every agency is probably a bit different. Some agencies have private/outsourced dispatch centers, others are managed in-house by local law enforcement or emergency medical services. You can usually check your county's or city's website for job listings/openings for emergency communications dispatchers.

The minimum requirements are typically just some kind of past experience in dealing with the public, a high school diploma or GED, and the ability to type a set words per minute. (Ours is 35WPM, I believe, so nothing crazy.)  Some agencies will, for some reason, require some kind of college credits but I haven't come across many that do.

My agency had a test date, which basically test your multitasking/memorization skills and ranks you for hire. Then there was an interview, a background check, a polygraph, and a medical exam.

This was ten years ago, mind you. Some agencies use CritiCall in their testing but I have zero experience with that.

Here on the west coast, we have POST certification and have to attend a three week dispatcher course at some point during our training. When I started, training was about six months - now it's been extended to almost a year for some folks.

Dispatching, so we're clear, isn't just answering 911 lines. You also answer non-emergency lines and train to work the radio - wherein you are actually dispatching and communicating with officers on a radio for specified amount of time. We don't do both at once at my agency, we trade off between call-taking and dispatching, every two hours or so. Some agencies have two different job titles for call-takers and radio dispatchers.

A lot of people find radio dispatching is significantly more difficult than answering 911 calls. You have to know what units to send to what calls based on their beat assignments. You have to be constantly aware of officer safety issues. You also have to be very clear about the context of calls they're responding to because your tone and the text of that call is going to determine how those officers respond to that call.

If you search around online, you can probably find .WAV files (I know, I'm aging myself) of radio chatter and 911 calls. Now they have those radio apps where you can listen to different law enforcement channels willy-nilly - so that's probably something to look into. Before I started, I did a sit-a-long at the agency I currently work for. The dispatcher I sat with sent me home with some of the training materials, including lists of 10-codes and the most commonly used call types, as well as penal codes to familiarize myself with.

It helped A LOT. It made the whole process far less intimidating for me.

Our training focuses on call-taking first and then gradually moves you into radio dispatching. We tend to lose most of our trainees when it comes to radio dispatching and so we'll send them home with one of our radios so they can listen to our traffic and kind of get used to hearing the voices of our officers.

A good chunk of what you learn as a dispatcher is ON THE JOB. That's why, with all of this pizza code chatter, people think they're on to something when they say, "It's not part of dispatcher training." Well. A lot of things aren't part of dispatcher training. You learn as you go.

I was never trained on what to say if someone calls and asks you to send officers because their entire family is pissing them off and they're feeling homicidal - but from what you have learned, you know it's probably best for that person to remove themselves from the situation.

I was also never trained on what to say if someone calls in screaming bloody murder on the phone, only to tell you their brother ate their sandwich out of the refrigerator...

It's learn as you go.

That's really all I've got right now. Hope it helps a little bit. If you have anymore questions, feel free to ask. (If you ask the folks around here, they'll tell you that I type a lot - sooooo #longpost, haha.)