#i have lots of thoughts about this but they're all disconnected and tangential and not completely relevant lol

[dejabooooo]

So is Madoka actually happy, not just content, as the Law of Cycles? Because as I gather there's a lot of material strongly suggesting she just straight up isn't.

Director Shinbo has said something to the effect of the outcome of the TV series, "a human becoming a god" might be too heavy a fate for a girl in middle school to bear, the lyrics of Mata Ashita (the end song for the first 2 episode) might be... somewhat telling, becoming the LoC is directly called a fate worse than death in the original series, it's been strongly implied in various side materials (and directly by the MagiReco game apparently) that the LoC isn't actually much of an afterlife, more like a long peaceful sleep like some interpretations of the Buddhist concept of Nirvana, and Madoka herself doesn't actually have regular contact with the girls in her care outside of missions and such, and of course the old concept movie had the "what is happiness" thing about how God is denied the simple pleasures of life.

She might be watching over everyone she cares about but that isn't really a... relationship if her friends and family that aren't magical girls simply don't know she exists.

well thats a good question! because i don't think there is an incredibly definitive canonical answer. not a simple solid yes or no anyway.

one thing i did before writing "be not afraid" (which i assume is what ur here from?) was watch a video of ultimate madoka's quotes from magia record to get a feel for how she spoke in that form. one thing she stated repeatedly was that she absolutely did not regret her decision, she was happy with it. but being happy with her decision does not necessarily translate to her being happy in general. in fact one particularly heartbreaking line was about how she could see her brother drawing by himself and was sorry that she couldn't play with him.

so the argument that madoka is satisfied with her wish but it regardless comes at the expense of her happiness in almost the same way that devil homura exists is a very interesting thought.

I think because in canon these concepts are so immensely complex but our knowledge about how exactly they exist is somewhat vague, there are lots of different ways u can interpret it.

My personal depiction (which i fully admit to containing plenty of speculation) is this:

Madoka is absolutely lonely and not always happy as the loc. but she isn't in a constant state of happiness or sadness anymore than when she is a human. the thing about madoka kaname is that her happiness throughout the series is dependent on how much she's HELPING OTHERS. of course she becomes god as a middle schooler human girl, but in becoming the loc, she becomes something other than human. being in that state of nirvana, in that state of otherness, i can't imagine that the feelings and thoughts of this immense concept she becomes can translate directly into human ideas of happiness or sadness, i can't imagine emotions being completely definitive in a being of such immense power with infinite facets. she is in a constant state of helping people tho, and the human madoka that is left must be happy, not just content, about that. She is aware of everyone she loves, she can see them at all times and watch over them, and i think a contradiction occurs here where she is glad she can watch over them but at the same time there must be a part of her that misses them.

i know this is all very abstract. but put in simpler terms madoka is the embodiment of hope while she is in the form of the loc. i imagine she must feel hopeful and if she is constantly hopeful and purposeful then that has to prelude to happiness in an overall sense too despite everything else

so my final answer as to whether madoka is happy as the loc is: it's... complicated😭

[absolutebl]

Duck daddy, I'm having an identity crisis! I am someone who, despite being generally awkward at life, can't handle awkward in media. I will literally cover my face or leave the room if a show is too awkward, although I seem to do better with Asian shows, possibly because there is more of a disconnect when it's not in my own language. But now I'm also liking high school setting! I've NEVER liked that before except in some manga! I thought Takara kun to Amagi kun was a one-off because they're so impossibly cute, but I just watched Kieta Hatsukoi and I found that unbearably precious too!!!!!! High school is like the DEFINITION of awkward, what is happening to me? I think now I'm just old so I see them as precious little babies flailing around at life, less relatable than college or adult awkward. I think you've said you prefer high school setting as well, what are the best ones?

Ah ha! the dreaded

Cringe Factor!

These are shows that make me wince from embarrassment for the character. It took me a long time to get used to it in BL, even though it is a hallmark of origin yaoi somehow it's easier to take in print. It’s not just the uke either, in Cherry Magic the second couple gives the seme all the cringe. 

Best High School BLs With Cringe 

Light On Me (2021) Viki - it’s Korea so the cringe it more awkward than it is frenetic, but on the basis of the dildo scene alone. Full review.

Takara & Amagi AKA Takara-kun and Amagi-kun AKA Takara-kun to Amagi-kun (2022) Gaga and Viki - Amagi is one of the best executions ever from Japan who specialize in this archetype, and I have more to say about this drama coming up in a full review. 

My Love Mix Up AKA Vanishing My First Love AKA Kieta Hatsukoi (2021) Viki - Aoki is a completely adorable absolute chaos bi disaster muffin of Japan’s First Order of the Frenetic Uke Brigade. We’d bow before the king but he climbed into a trash-bin with a banana 20 minutes ago. 

Mr Heart (2020) Viki - Korea’s version is always a little different, but pretty much this is their best effort at classic BL awkward uke cringe.

Sorry sorry, this is uni. I forgot. 

Make it Right (2016) YT - Fuse, one of Thailand’s best example of this archetype is a lot more subtle than what we get from Japan, but trust me he is the same kind of chaos monkey. 

Love Sick (2014) YouTube  - the OG of Thai BL and perhaps Noh is a bit more earnest and warm hearted than he is loopy, but wait tell you get him drunk. I think he still qualifies as a more subtle version. 

Great Men Academy (2019) grey - this is body swap and so maybe nto really BL, but Jamie’s portrayal of Love certainly fills this archetype. 

(Taiwan doesn’t love cringe outside of straight dude comedies and comic relief besties.) 

Tangential Archetypes that often cause cringe 

Disaster Bis 

Chaos Muffins

Adorable Bean Nuggets 

Himbos 

(source) 

[goddesstrolls]

6-10 and 21-25 for kairos?

6. Do they have any hobbies that their lover finds unusual, odd, or otherwise annoying? Considering their only partner is Avonis, probably, lol. But it would probably be things they do out of paranoia/trauma response so idk.

7. Is there a catchphrase or sound that they tend to make a lot (likely without being aware of it)? Scoffing? Idk. I don't think there's anything they say frequently though, unless you count general self-depreciation / "I'm not worth it"

8. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it? Their narrowmindedness. They're utterly self-absorbed, and by nature only partially aware of it.

9. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday? Winter. They sort of like Halloween just because it's spooky, but they don't like dressing up. Other than that they don't like holidays.

10. Is your character more feminine or masculine? They're pretty masculine, even if they hate using he/him or masc terms like 'sir' with a passion. They feel like their presentation/gender is the only thing they have any amount of control over.

21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear? Hmmh. I think they do fear that they're right about themselves- And moreso now that their self-depreciating thoughts are starting to get shaken. As people grow closer to them they fear more and more that they'll fuck it all up. And when dealing with it, they react by... Pushing others away. Kudos, Kai.

22. What kind of tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, freckles, and other such unique physical features do they have? They don't have any, besides their scars, unless you include the magical scarring on the right side of their face lol.

23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved? Kairos has never been formally educated and rather, educated themselves in their wrigglerhood/young adulthood. They're pretty strong in all subjects across the board tbh.

24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like? "Disconnected from his own brain with only a tangential relation to his heart. Blasted fool..." [Said lovingly]

25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day? buddy i could throw a dart at the timeline of kairos' life and by guaranteed to hit one