#i have inherited my mom's workaholism in many different forms

[stuckinapril]

i need to go about my digital detox in a slightly different way. i feel like i'm only ever capable of being fully off my phone when i am so distracted that i cannot be on it (reading a book, on a run, w friends, doing a task etc etc). but i just want to be okay w the silence. i want to sit at a rooftop bar and look at the night sky and not feel compelled to check my phone or supplement the silence w something else. i want to be sitting on my bedroom floor doing nothing and still feel okay that i'm not on my phone. being off your phone can get intense bc after a certain point it actually feels like withdrawals (you get anxiety, fomo, antsiness) but i just want to feel those things and let them come as they may. it's not that i want to be off my phone completely so much as i want balance, but this interim of just letting go has been so tricky and kind of hard to beat. i seriously just need to be okay w the silence

[myexplicittarotjournal]

👤 Shadow Work: First Time Trying (Part 2)

So, where did I stop? Yeah, question 8, right? Let's go.

8. What negative emotions do you avoid? Why?

Funny, last night I had a dream that I needed to get a shuttle bus to get home, and while I was being nice and asking everyone inside if they had a seat for me, some straight guy from my work passed in front of me, and took the last seat available.

I didn't complain. Resigned, I told myself it was ok to ride the bus standing up. It wasn't that uncomfortable, anyway. And I felt everyone else inside the bus, secretly laughing at me.

I think this dream means that I'm too nice, and I suffocate my anger to avoid conflict. And the fact that I'm aware that the guy that took my seat is straight emphasizes how I feel about being gay. Especially at work, I think I lost some promotion opportunities because of prejudice against my sexual orientation.

But prejudice can take many forms. Sometimes people, when hiring, will choose the straight guy and not you but won't tell it on your face. It's a gaslighting feeling. And I feel impotent against it. That's why I avoid dealing with it. What can I do if I can't prove I could not get my dream job as a pilot because most pilots are homophobic? Perhaps, it's better to forget it after all "it's not that uncomfortable to stand up in a bus anyway."

9. What would happen if you let yourself feel those negative emotions?

Well, what would happen if I let my anger take over me and express it to the world? Nothing, I guess. The system is too ingrained. It will not resolve it with bursts of anger, will it?

Maybe those people on the bus would not laugh at me secretly? Perhaps they would not think I'm a fool? Or would they take me for an angry queen trying to impose her ways against their sacred and righteous privileged place in the world?

They secretly hate gays, no matter how hard they try to gaslight it. In your face, they say they accept you. Still, in the end, it's the straight crew that had a beer with the pilot chief during a layover and shared a good laugh over sexist jokes with him that will take your place in a job interview for internal promotion for a pilot position in your airline.

So, I don't even bother feeling angry. It's pointless. As they say, you need to choose your battles to win a war. And I have chosen not to fight this battle.

It's sad. But it's true. I'm getting old and don't think I'll get a job as an airline pilot anymore. Maybe I lost the war too.

10. Have you ever felt embarrassed of who you are?

Yes. All the time. As I said before, I feel inadequate for being an introvert, and though I'm openly gay, I don't feel proud about it either. Not as they say I should, you know, the activists.

I wish I had been born straight. Life would be so much easier like that. My dreams would be easier to reach, I guess.

But probably I would be a total jerk. So maybe that's not so good. If I were a cis white male guy, perhaps I would be too accommodated on my privileges and be a total ass. Who knows?

So at least, I hope I'm evolving my soul correctly with all these challenges life presents me.

11. What traits do your parents have that you hope you don't?

My mom is paranoid. She's often accusing people of doing things she has no proof of. She got better now. But sometimes, she got some rampant paranoia bursts. She's on medication now, and she is easier to deal with.

But she has so many psychological problems. And sometimes, I think that I inherited them all. Well, I hope I didn't, if that answers the question.

Now, my dad, he's a workaholic who's been absent from his family for most of his married life. Now that he's 73, he's different. Maybe the proximity of aging death has made him rethink his ways.

And I try not to be like he was to me. I visit my parents at least once a week. And they are always happy to have a present son in their lives.

I don't have children. But I try to be a present guncle too. My nephews like me a lot. And I'm happy that I built a connection with them by being present.

12. What traits do you have that are similar to your parents?

My mom is shy (and she's a Leo, how come?).

I think that shyness comes from an inflated ego. You know you get shy when you're constantly trying to guess what others are thinking of you. And that overwhelms you and kind of paralyzes you to work socially.

And if you care too much about what others think of you, that means you have an inflated ego, you know? It's like, everything is about me, me, me. And maybe people are not even thinking about you. Or if they do, their opinions don't sum up who you are. Others' opinions do not form your sense of self.

So that's why being shy is stupid. And I'm like my mom in that way.

I will try to work on that. But I think I'm too sensitive. And even if I don't try, I can interpret every cue and minimal facial expressions someone makes, and if they are looking at me, I know what they think of me.

So because I can get to an extreme level of self consciousness without even trying, I end up being shy.

Don't know if I have explained it well. But yeah, that is trait that I share with my mom.

And my dad, as I said before, is an absentee workaholic. And though I try not to be absent to others, I tend to be, and that's something I need to fight against.

And as a Capricorn is too easy for me to get so involved in my work that I put people in second place in my life. So those are two traits my dad has that I have it too. But as I said before, in the other question, I'm trying to avoid it.

13. What about yourself don't you like? Why not?

I think I answered this question before. So I'll try to answer it differently now.

I wouldn't say I like that I'm constantly comparing myself with others. I tend to think that others are always doing better than I am, and I'm not grateful for having a life that has many privileges compared to most people. So, I need to change that.

Just now I was stalking a crush on Instagram that is having a super fun weekend around lots of friends and people he's just met.

I kind of wish I had his life. But I'm here alone in a coffee shop writing on this journal. And you know what? That's where I chose to be. That's how I decided to spend this Saturday morning. And I need to own up to my decisions.

I'm having the perfect morning for most introverts. But I do wish I was riding a quad near a small beach town with lots of friends too.

But that's not who I am. So what's the point of stalking others' lives and regretting you're not there living their life like they are?

That's why social media is so toxic, I guess. Damn you, Zuckerberg.

14. When was the last time you forgave yourself?

Hmm, the last time? A few days ago, I was driving, and I stopped the car so an elderly lady would walk across me, but I pressed the brakes too hard, and the abrupt car shake scared the old lady. She's my neighbor, and I felt horrible to have frightened her. But it wasn't my intention, so every time I felt shame or regret, I also tried to forgive myself.

It sounds trivial, but that was the last time I forgave myself.

15. What's the worst way someone could describe you?

Wow, that's shadow work level hard. That's def something I wouldn't want to think about. But ok, let's look into our shadows, right?

I think the worst way someone could describe me is a "timid incompetent unemployed guy who lives on the expenses of his sugar daddy 20 years older husband".

Lol, that's so horrible that I laughed. OMG, I hope nobody regards me like that.

So, I guess this concludes my first attempt at shadow work. I do feel more conscious of everything I fear about myself. And knowing yourself is the first step to healing, right?

But how do I heal all this crap I have inside me? I don't know. But in my meditation practice, I learned that you need to see your thoughts passing through your mind like clouds in the sky. You don't repress them, but you don't engage with them too. Let them pass, and the mind will return to its natural state of contentment.

After all, no matter how cloudy the sky is, we know that above the clouds, the sky is always blue.

But if you know better than me how to heal your shadow self, let me know in the comments.

For now, I think I'll let these bubbles rise to the surface and hope they burst by themselves. Who knows?

[curious-cat-is-curious]

Henry Drew Chapter 1

Summary: How different would Henry's life be if he isn't the best friend of Joey Drew but his one and only son? An AU Where Henry is Joey Drew's son. Watch as he lives life with a father who will do anything to keep him safe.

Henry Drew, the only son of Joey and Mary Drew, has always loved drawing, one of the many things he inherited from his mother.

His Father, Joey, had seen the potential in his artistic skills since he was young and has always encouraged him to perfect his art style and create his own characters. He was more than happy to have any excuse to draw, he would create many characters but he never felt attached to any of them, moving on to the next character once he has perfected their looks.

His Mother, Mary, was a lovely lady who sparks the love of drawing in him and taught him everything she knows whenever they have the time to sit down and draw together. Unfortunately, she was brutally murdered when he was 9 and her killer was never brought to justice. Ever since her death, his Dad has become overprotective of him and it has only gotten worse as he grows older.

Henry grew up hearing his Dad telling him that he is all that he has left of his Mom and he doesn't want to lose him. It hurts Henry to see his Dad so upset over the lost of his Mom so he never complained whenever his Dad is too overbearing or when his Dad quit his well paying job to open his own studio just so he doesn't have to leave to find a job, neither did he place any blame on his Dad when his girlfriend, Linda, broke up with him because he spent more time working on creating the character their studio need to stay afloat then being with her.

The solution to all their problems came to him in the form of a Little Dancing Demon he named Bendy. Once he has perfected Bendy's design he felt something he has never felt with his other characters, he felt pride as he looks down at Bendy's final design. He just knew that his Little Devil Darling will be just what this studio needs and he can't wait to show him to his Dad.

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Henry is happily working on the first cartoon Bendy would be starring in when his Dad walks up to him with a slightly muscular handsome man with chestnut brown hair that is long enough to be tied into a short ponytail and beautiful blue eyes. When his Dad got his attention and he saw the other male he had to force himself to stop staring and stood up with a smile on his face to greet the handsome male.

"Henry, meet Sammy Lawrence! He's going to be our Music Director from now on! Sammy, meet Henry Drew!" Joey wraps an arm around Henry as he beamed proudly. "He's our Head Animator and creator of Bendy! "

"Dad!" Henry's cheek turns bright red in embarrassment as he gently pushes his Dad's arm off of him. "You promised that you won't do this while we are at work."

"Sorry Son, but I couldn't help it!" Joey chuckles softly as he ruffled his son's hair. "I'm just so proud of you!" He smiled brightly. "I have some paperwork to finish so do you mind showing Sammy to his office?"

Henry nods his head as he cocks his inkwell and put his dip pen aside. "I don't mind."

"Great! Get along now you two!" Joey wave as he walks back to his office.

Henry waits until his Dad is gone before turning to Sammy. "I am sorry you had to see that, Dad is just excited that things are finally looking up."

Sammy smiled as he waves off his apology. "There's no need to apologise, I understand how dads are. Mine is still bragging about my achievements."

Henry sigh in relief. "Thank you." He smiled as he leads Sammy to his office. "Come on, your office is this way." Sammy seems like a swell guy, he hopes that they would become friends.

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"Henry!" Wally greeted with a smile when he saw the young man and held out the cup of coffee he made for him. "Working late nights again?" He didn't have to ask, it is common for Henry and Sammy to stay overnights at the studio to finish their work before the deadline.

Henry smiled gratefully as he accepts the coffee. "Thank you, Wally." He takes a sip of his coffee. "Yeah, I have to finish this by tomorrow and we don't have enough animators to finish it on time."

"Ya know...ya could ask your Dad to hire more to help ya or ask ya team to work longer." Wally said as he leans against the wall with his arms crossed. "It can't be good for ya to keep overworking yourself like that."

Henry shakes his head. "We don't have the money to hire more people and my team needs their rest. Don't worry, I can handle myself." He covers his mouth as he yawns softly, one good thing about this is that his Dad is actually letting him stay, probably because he knows exactly where he is and he would be safe in the studio.

"And ya surprised that ya team calls ya mom even though you're the youngest." Wally rolls his eyes. "Go take a nap and see if ya can drag Sammy with you before he passes out."

"Sammy stayed at the studio last night?" Not that Henry was all that surprised he didn't know the other man stayed the night with him, when they stay the night the both of them are always working at their desk and only getting up to use the bathroom or get something to eat or drink at their desk so it's no surprise that they miss each other whenever they are working overnights together.

"Yeah he did, said that the song has to be perfect." Wally pushes himself off the wall and grabs the empty cup from Henry. "Go grab a couple of hours of sleep in the break room so I can clean in peace and drag that other workaholic with you."

Henry rolls his eyes as he stood up. "We are not workaholics, Wally. We just want to finish our job on time."

"Whatever helps ya sleep, Hen. Now go, shoo!" Wally waves his hand to shoo Henry away from his table.

"I'm going, I'm going." Henry said as he walks towards Sammy's office and knocks on his door before peeking in. "Sammy, Wally is kicking us to the break room to get some sleep."

"I am almost done." Sammy stopped writing to cover his mouth as he yawns. "I just need a few more minutes."

Henry entered his office and look over his shoulder. "Sammy, you are not almost done. Let's just take a power nap while Wally cleans up before we continue."

Sammy sigh softly as he put down his pen and cock his inkwell. "Fine. But only for a few hours or I will never get this done." He said as he stood up.

"You and me both, Sammy." Henry smiled tiredly as they walk towards the break room. He didn't watch his step and almost fall down the stairs but luckily for him, Sammy caught him before he can fall.

"Looks like you really need that nap." Sammy helps him up but keep his arms around him as they go down the stairs.

Henry yawn softly as he leans against Sammy and let him lead to the makeshift 'bed', which is just all the blankets in the studio they use during the winter piled up near the wall, Wally made for them in the corner of the room, this isn't the first time they had to sleep together like this and Wally is usually the one making them sleep. "Yeah. I guess I do." He rubs his eyes, looks like drinking a cup of coffee isn't going to help him stay awake.

"You really shouldn't overwork yourself, Henry. It isn't good for your health." Sammy said as he helps Henry on their blanket nest and takes off his shoes before sitting down and taking off his own shoes.

"Says the person who is also overworking himself." Henry muttered softly as he pulls a blanket over himself and made himself comfortable.

"But you need your sleep to grow taller~" Sammy teased as he curls up so the blanket can cover his whole body.

"Excuse you, I'm not short, I'm fun size and I'm not the one who has to curl up just so the blanket can cover my whole body." Henry sticks his tongue out at Sammy.

"Touché." Sammy smiled softly. "Do you mind if I do it again?" He asked softly.

"No, I don't mind at all." Henry shifts their blankets so they can cuddle together.

"Thank you." Sammy said as he wraps his arms around Henry and pulls him close to his chest. It's not that he likes cuddling or anything, it's just that there aren't enough blankets for him to sleep comfortably their nest with another person without cuddling them.

"Mmm...." Henry hum sleepily as he cuddles closer to Sammy and rests his head on his head. It did not take him long for the warmth of Sammy's body to lull him to sleep.

Sammy smiled softly as he hugs Henry closer and closes his eyes before falling asleep.

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Norman watch in amusement as Sammy praise each band member and pass out cookies that he has baked himself while beaming like a proud parent, he had asked Sammy about it before and he said that positive encouragement, praise and rewards is a good way to make sure that the band does everything he wants without mistakes. Norman finds it too entertaining to tell Sammy that that is how people teach their pets to learn tricks and it is working so far so who is he to judge how Sammy treats his team? Plus he might stop baking those delicious cookies and he isn't going to risk that.

When the band all clear out of the room, each happily munching on a cookie, he heads down and walks up towards Sammy. "Good job on another beautiful piece." He said as he picks up a cookie and takes a bite of it.

"You're lucky I like you." Sammy said as he keeps the rest of the cookies.

"Enough to give me your leftover cookies?" Norman asked hopefully.

"Nope. Sorry, but they are for Henry." Sammy smiled softly at the thought of the shorter man.

"Oh?" Norman raises his eyebrow. "Something going on between the two of you?"

"Wha-what? Of course not! Why would you think that?"

"You made extra cookies just for him after he said they are delicious, he is the only one you would cuddle with, hell you would glare at anyone who's not named Henry Drew if they touch you, you always put your best foot forward whenever he's around and don't get me started on the dreamy look you have on your face whenever we talk about him. It is so painfully obvious that I'm surprised no one else figured it out yet." Norman gently pats Sammy's back. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." He smiled softly.

"First off, he is a male like me and second, even if he is female he would still be our boss's kid and I am not looking to be fired." Sammy said as he ignores the feeling that is growing in his chest.

"Love is love no matter who's kid they are or what they have between their legs." Norman wraps his arm around and pulls him close. "Trust me, you will regret it if you keep ignoring your feelings for him."

"Look, I don't know what you are going on about but I do not have feelings for Henry." Sammy pushes Norman off of him. "I just like him as a friend." He said before speed walking away from Norman.

Norman shakes his head as he watches Sammy leave. "Poor guy. Hope he'll figure it out before he loses Henry."

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Susie knocks on Joey Drew's office door and entering when she heard a soft 'Come in'. "You wanted to see me, Sir?" She smiled nervously as she faces Joey and Henry Drew. Why is Henry here? Did she do something wrong? She sure hopes not.

"Take a seat, Susie." Joey waits until she has taken her seat before continuing. "How are you, Dear? I hope we're not putting too much stress on you."

"O-oh no, Sir! Nothing like that! I really enjoy working here and everyone is very nice." She is quick to reassure her boss that everything is fine.

"Ah, I'm glad to hear that, Dear. Now you know my son Henry is the Head Animator, right? He created The Little Devil Darling that is our mascot and created Bendy's best friend Boris!" Joey smiled brightly and was stopped by Henry before he can continue.

"Please stop, Dad. We didn't drag Miss. Campbell all the way here for you to brag." Henry is covering his face in embarrassment. "You also promised that you'll stop doing that at work."

"Sorry, I just can't help it." Joey chuckles softly. "Okay, back on track before I make my baby boy angry." He ignored Henry's protest as he opens a file and slide it over to Susie. "Susie, meet Alice Angel. Henry's next big hit and the character you will be voicing from now on."

Susie found herself speechless when she takes the paper from Joey and takes a good look at the angel.

"You don't have to accept if you don't want to." Henry said when he did not hear her say a single word. "We'll find someone else-"

"NO!" Susie yelled before blushing, she can't believe she just yelled at Henry! Not only is he a kind man he is also her boss's son! She clears her throat as she tries again. "Uh...I mean you don't have to. I would be more than happy to voice her." She looks down to hide her embarrassment.

"Great!" Joey smiled brightly, not at all bothered by her yelling. "I'm glad you've accepted the role, Susie. To be honest the minute I saw Alice I just knew that you have to be the one to voice her!" He said as he holds out a script. "Go find Sammy to record your lines and you may keep the drawing of Alice but don't show her to anyone okay?" He smiled as he holds a finger to his lips. "She is still a secret."

"Yes, Sir! I won't let you down!" Susie smiled brightly and bow before leaving to find Sammy.

Joey sigh happily when the door close behind Susie. "Our son is a genius, Mary. It took him less than a year to create three characters that will bring success and fortune to this studio!" Joey said to the picture of his wife with a big grin on his face.

"Dad....you promised..." Henry protests weakly as he covers his face in embarrassment, when will his Dad keep his promise and stop embarrassing him.

"What? Can't I be proud of my son anymore?" Joey pretends to sound offended but the amusement in his eyes gave him away.

"You can, just not at work. We are supposed to be professionals." Henry sighs softly, knowing no matter what he says it would never stop his Dad.

"Okay okay, I'll try to stop myself next time." Joey chuckles softly as he ruffled his son's hair. "Now go back to work so you can actually come home with me for a chance. I'm starting to feel like I am living alone."

Henry smiled softly as he stood up. "I'll try to finish it as fast as possible." He bends down to kiss his Dad's cheek. "But I make no promises." He said before leaving.

Joey waits until Henry is gone before turning back to the picture of his wife. "Our son is all grown up, Mary." He smiled softly as he gently stroke his wife's picture. "You would be so proud of him, I know I am. Bendy and Boris are a huge success and I just know Alice would be as well. And with all the money we are earning we'll be able to expand the studio and hire more people." He picks up his wife's picture and leans back against his seat. "Best of all our son is somewhere I can still watch over and protect him. I promise you, Mary, as long as I am around I will not let anything bad happen to our son." If his smile turns a little twisted...oh well, no one is around to see it anyway and as long as his son is safe it doesn't matters who sees the dark side of him or if he has to dirty his hands for his precious son.