#i have chores to do today and i feel like id rather die but they need to get done

[goddess--x]

Someone tell me how to not be so tired all the time 🥹

[five-rivers]

Triple Threat

Just realized I didn’t post this here.  This is based on @dalv-co-official‘s prompt.

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.

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Three sets of screams echoed off the polished steel walls of the Fentonworks lab.

.

It was green, and they were filled with a horrible anxiety. Something bad had happened, or something bad might have happened, they couldn't tell which. Their mind was too stricken with pain, fear, and exhaustion to register anything but green and they were in danger.

Who? Who was in danger? They were important to them. They couldn't remember anything else. Couldn't think.

They moved and-

Contact. Relief. They could feel them, the others, and they were, well, they were hurt, but they were alive, and they were here. Together.

They relaxed. This was... not fine. Anything but fine, really. But it was manageable.

Unconsciousness draped back over them.

.

When they woke again, they knew themselves. Danny, Sam, Tucker. But the boundaries blurred. They were almost erased, and this was wrong, because they should be three, not one.

But it also felt right to be one. It was odd, and it made things difficult. Difficult to remember where they were, what they were, who they were.

Why they were.

Right. Why were they here? How had they gotten there? They knew, they knew that, but like this, their thoughts and feelings clashing against each other, it was beyond them. They couldn't even move effectively, always mistaking one hand for another. They had six of them, all together, and that was far too many.

They had to separate. At least for now, at least until they could get their feet under them.

They were fairly confident that this one was Danny. Yes. This one was Danny. He was Danny. Danny.

Danny sat up with a groan, feeling like he had just woken up from a dream. A dream where he'd been beaten to heck and back with a baseball bat that was on fire. His chest felt strange. Light and cold.

Why was everything green?

Then he remembered. The portal. The pain. The screaming. The screaming. The screaming.

Sam and Tucker had been with him. That thought forced him into a sitting position. Where were Sam and Tucker? What had happened to them?

Were they alive?

Danny had certainly thought that he was dying.

But, to his relief, he saw a Sam-shaped blur and a Tucker-shaped blur in the green mists, moving much like he was: gingerly. With little more than grunts, the three of them negotiated a position where they could support each other and stumble out of the portal.

That's when they saw each other, and things started to get really weird.

.

They sat in Danny's room and took their pulses.

"I think," said Sam, "that we can agree that we're alive."

"So, what was that?" asked Tucker. "That..." He flexed his hands and everyone understood he meant that other form, where they wore black jumpsuits and white gloves, where their hair was white and their eyes brilliant green. "Was it temporary? Just a side effect?"

"No," said Danny, putting a hand over his chest, just below his heart. The others mimicked the motion. "Don't you feel it? We're different now."

They all looked down.

"It could still be temporary?" said Tucker. "That could fade, too. I mean, we look like ourselves again."

"But you don't really believe that, do you?" asked Sam.

"No," admitted Tucker. "But it's still a possibility."

"Oh my gosh," moaned Danny, putting his head in his hands. "Mom and Dad... I can't be dead. I can't be a ghost. They're going to kill me... us," he added with more horror.

Sam and Tucker moved to either side of Danny, leaning into him.

"We'll deal with it together," said Sam. Whatever was inside them seemed to hum in agreement.

.

"Duck!" shouted Sam.

The words seemed to echo inside Danny's head, and he reflexively obeyed, barely missing the giant meat fist. Tucker took advantage of the opening, with a punch that did far more damage than it had any right to.

Things were... going. The poorly refrigerated meat dungeon beneath the school would probably need to be repaired, but, on the upside, the ghost wasn't hurting anyone.

Except for Danny, Sam, and Tucker.

But then, as these things happen, everything went wrong all at once. Sam and Tucker both lost hold of their ghost forms, as Danny had earlier, and they fell.

Danny decided that now was the time to be somewhere else. He grabbed them and they phased through the wall.

Then Danny... just... slowly...

.

"Danny! Thank goodness you're awake!" exclaimed Tucker. "You've been asleep for three days!"

"Uhuh," said Danny, glaring at his friend through sleep-crusted eyes. "You remember that we can tell when each other is lying now, right?"

"Ah, well, it was worth a shot."

.

"Do you sense anything?" asked Sam.

"No," said Danny, tensely. They were wandering around the school basements, looking for the ghost. It was lunchtime, so if she was going to show up at all, it would be now.

"Man, I wish I had a ghost sensing power," said Tucker. He'd been put in charge of the 'Fenton Thermos,' a device whose utility was currently questionable. Even if it had glowed some really weird colors when the three of them touched it.

"Me too," said Sam. "Then we could split up and find this vegetable-hating ghost faster."

"WHO SAID I HATE VEGETABLES!?"

.

Danny picked up on the second ring.

"Hi, Sam," he said.

There was a bit of a pause on the other line. "How did you know it was me? You don't have caller ID."

"Tucker's here and who else is going to call our house? Mr. Lancer? One of Jazz's 'patients?'"

"Tucker's there? Oh, good."

"Yeah," said Danny. Tucker had stopped by and immediately got roped into helping with Danny's chore of cleaning the garage. "What's up? I thought you had a thing with your parents today. They were making you go to a party or something?"

"I found out who was throwing it and decided I'd rather die again. Can you guys come over?"

"Yeah," said Danny, mentally bracing himself for another scolding from his parents. But that was future Danny's problem. "One problem. Where do you even live?" The three of them were psychically bonded, and Danny had still never seen her house.

"Right, right. Do you have a pen? My address is-"

.

"So, Sam lives in a castle," said Danny, staring up at the enormous 'house.'

"Wow," said Tucker. "I wonder if she has a swimming pool in there somewhere."

"Or a bowling alley," said Danny.

"What is your thing with bowling, anyway, dude?"

"I don't know. I just like it."

"Where did Sam say she was again?"

"Greenhouse. Back yard."

"Cool," said Tucker. He rubbed his hands together.

"Are you okay?" asked Danny. Tucker had been fidgeting all night.

"Yeah, just..." Tucker sighed. "Your parents' tech feels weird. I don't know. It's been bugging me all day. It's like, I kept wanting to put my hands into it," he said, briefly making the offending limbs intangible to demonstrate.

"Maybe it's part of your thing?" suggested Danny. "We'll have to look into that."

"Yeah. But, later," said Tucker. "Phase through the wall?"

"I don't want to talk to her parents."

"True," said Tucker.

Invisible and intangible, they walked into Sam's back yard. The greenhouse was easy to find. It was however, impossible to open the door, and Sam didn't answer when they knocked, so they phased in.

"Wow," said Danny. "This is..."

"Crowded," finished Tucker. "Sam? You in here? We're here!"

"Yeah!" said Sam. "I'm back by the oranges!"

They walked around tables that practically dripped with greenery, following the scent of citrus. Sam was sitting at the roots of a large tree, hugging her knees. On closer inspection, it appeared that the tree's roots had burst out of a ceramic pot before burrowing into the ground.

"Sam?" said Danny. "Did you, um, do this?" he asked.

Sam's eyes were wide and wild. "Maybe?" she said.

.

They stood over the smoking pile of technology that had once been Technus's battlesuit. It sparked. Faintly glowing moss grew from it.

"Okay," said Danny, twisting the lid tighter. "I think we need to go over our powers again."

.

"Danny can sense ghosts, is best at basic ghostly stuff, and is the fastest flier, agreed?" asked Tucker, typing on his PDA.

"Agreed," chorused the other two.

"Sam can make plants grow faster, but only if there's a bunch of ectoplasm around, and she's not good at, like, turning invisible and intangible."

"To be fair," said Danny, "none of us are very good at that."

"True," said Sam, "but you two are definitely better than I am. But I'm stronger, too," she added, flexing her arms.

"Yeah, yeah," said Tucker. "Then, there's me, and everyone knows I'm fabulous."

They groaned.

"Stop that, you're making me groan, too," complained Tucker. "Anyway, it looks like my thing is charging and draining electronics, which is pretty cool. I'll never have to plug Cynthia in again. My baby is one step closer to life."

"We're begging you," said Sam, "stop naming your PDAs."

"I will not," said Tucker.

"Fine. Then you can't use my bowling alley."

"I told you she might have a bowling alley."

.

"I've never wanted to kill somebody before," said Sam.

Danny shuddered, but he didn't say anything.

"But I wanted to kill him," she said. "I wanted to, so, so much, but I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything."

"But you did," said Danny, pressing against Sam's side and trying to project comforting thoughts. "You did do something. You broke free. Just like Tuck and I."

"Not soon enough," growled Sam, her eyes flashing.

"None of us broke free 'soon enough,'" said Tucker. He was playing with his glasses, turning the empty frames over in his hands again, and again, and again. "Do you really not remember, Danny?"

"No?" said Danny. "Not really. Just red, and when he made Sam jump off the train, and Jazz coming after us." He frowned. "Maybe a bit in the tent? On the high wire?"

"I guess those are the highlights," mumbled Tucker.

Danny bit his lip. "Well," he said, finally. "It doesn't sound like a loss, anyway."

"No," agreed Sam, "it isn't."

.

After Danny left to go home, Sam and Tucker stayed. "Freakshow is a dead man if we ever see him again," she said.

"After what he did to Danny?" Tucker scoffed. "You better believe it."

.

"I hate Spectra so much," said Sam. "Why is she so... so..." She waved her hands. "Why is she like this?"

"Why is it in an abandoned hospital?" moaned Tucker.

"Probably because you told her last time that hospitals were your deepest darkest fear," said Danny. "Why did you do that, anyway? We were pretty sure she was a ghost already."

"Have you seen what she looks like?"

.

Stars glimmered overhead. Danny laid flat on his back, watching them. Sam and Tucker were on either side of him.

"Can you believe," said Danny, "that one day we could put them out?"

"No," said Sam, immediately. "Because we're not going to."

"I didn't say, would," said Danny, his voice still soft. "I said, could. Those alternate realities... The ones where only one of us got powers... Where only I... Those were bad. Those were hard. I- I'm sorry."

"But we're together, here," said Tucker, soothingly, "and we're not going anywhere."

"I know," said Danny. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" asked the other two.

"That you had to half die so I didn't blow up the world."

"Come on, man, you didn't blow up the world," said Tucker. "Just, you know, a bunch of the stuff on the world."

Danny let out a hiccuping laugh.

"And I was just as bad," said Sam. "I mean, I like plants, but that was no good."

"You were under mind control," protested Danny.

"So were you," countered Sam, "by Plasmius. It won't happen. None of them will happen. As long as Tucker quits trying to make Skynet and doesn't get assimilated into SkulkTech or whatever the heck that was, it'll all be fine."

"We might have to break his PDAs to stop that."

"No, keep your cold hands away from my babies. I promise, no Skynet, no Skynet. I will leave the AI alone."

They fell back into silence.

"It's been a while since we've done this," said Danny. "Just hang out, I mean."

"Yeah," said Sam.

They inhaled, letting themselves feel each other. "It's nice," they said, together.

[rayomz]

not to be Like That on main but i was reminded that i could never live by myself cos i have no life skills and no resources so if i were ever to be kicked out tomorrow i would like... die?

"you can get a roommate" lmao as if i trust anyone, and i have a lot of stuff so its not like i can pack a couple of clothes in a backpack and be on my way and not to be materialistic but id never sell my belongings bc id rather kill myself than lose everything i have a third time, no thanks

job? i feel like i can't GET a job even if i wanted bc im so paranoid about everything, i literally can NOT speak to ANYONE without crying whos gonna hire me crying? nobody. and even if i manage to get a job they're not going to want me bc all i do is cry. not like in a depressed way i could be having a great day and if someone simply tells me "hi" ill start crying, its just a response i have when ANYONE tries to communicate so wtf am i supposed to do? not to mention *physical things* like the past two years of me randomly fainting without any known cause, i had to take a break midway through my chores today bc i was getting hot and sweaty to lie down on the floor in front of my fan

so like..... am i disabled? my family wouldnt like that LMAO... my uncle said he’d send me back to my dad whos in his mid 60s and never wanted me in the first place? whats my dad gonna do with me if im unable to work? he didnt even want me as a teenager, he wanted to send me to a foster home

also more about money, im still SO paranoid about having a bank account, having money, being responsible for funds. its not exciting. its not liberating. i dont feel like a world has opened up to me. having a bank account is about identity theft, making sure i dont spend too much to get maintenance fees, etc... theres just too much to worry about... and paypal just adds to it which is why im still hesitant to do commissions. like i got my account back but you hear about artists always getting scammed pr locked out of their accounts and theres nothing they can do about it and because i have no other income i can NOT afford to have that happen

[szopenhauer]

What star sign is the last person you text messaged? Aries

How did you feel when you woke up today? not well

Do you know what the person you're dating is doing at this moment? napping

Who was the last person to make you cry with laughter? my gf

Who was the last person you talked about sex/love with? either her or my father

Who introduced you to the person you're in a relationshop with? my high school classmate K.K.

How many brothers does your father have? two

When was the last time you did something which you knew was wrong? I don’t know what’s wrong and what not, ugh...

Do you still speak to your first crush? nope

If you could get your own house with one friend, who would you pick? dad but I’d prefer to live alone

Which is worse, too-tight clothes or much too-loose clothes? too tight are worse

What is something that you are willing to fight for? hmm...

If you jump, can you touch the ceiling of the room you’re in? noooo

Which do you think is worse: ear aches or tooth aches? tooth aches

How many different colors are you wearing right now?  3 (4 counting panties)

You can only listen to one band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? omg I can’t choose :o

Do you like big or small cars better? big

What store do you get the majority of your shoes from? *shrug*

What place, in your mind, is heaven on earth? How about hell on earth? there’s no such thing as heaven on Earth to me as I would bring myself there and ruin everything but almost whole planet is hell mostly because of people

Do you think there is anything scary about midnight? midnight is the time of ghosts but no longer minute before and/or after :P 

Can you snap with both of your hands? yep

In your opinion what is the absolute worst house chore? laundry?

How young do you think is too young to get married? definitely under 20 but I think it’s best to get married 30+

Who do you think is the dumbest superhero?  I can’t believe Green lantern is an actual superhero...

Would you rather be a hair stylist or a clothes designer? clothes designer

Would you rather be 3 inches taller or shorter than you are now? taller

Are there any foods that you think smell good, but taste bad? possibly

Would you ever stay overnight at any of your neighbors houses? why would I? 

Do you think it would be cooler to play a hero or the villain in a movie? hero

If you had the last name of your favorite actor, what would your name be? I like many actors so...

how many syllables does your first name consist of?: 3

do you know someone who is allergic to chocolate?: used to know

have you worn a dress [casual, formal, etc] within the past week?: not within the past week

when was the last time you saw the last person you kissed?: days ago

is that person your significant other?: yup

last person you talked to on the phone and what was it about?: mom, I informed her she probably didn’t take out the matches from my pocket and now she’s washing my shorts with ‘em inside the machine and my instinct was right so she turned it off in the last moment, minutes or even seconds later water would soak the package and that could ruin the clothes, I wish she checked or asked while taking my stuff away

got any plans today?: been to laboratory, done shopping but am too tired to help my parents in carrying wood 

were you born in an odd or even numbered year?: even

did you drive anywhere at all today?: took the bus

which of your parents did you see last?: both at once

describe your current shirt: black tee Nie każdy musi mnie lubić w końcu nie każdy ma dobry gust with Lil My

are you currently listening to music?: I’m very picky about songs today

do you fill out your own surveys or do you think it’s just weird?: I do

where did you buy the shoes you last wore?: Biedronka (Tom & Rose)

last disappointment?: health issues 

do you still talk to the person you first kissed?: yeah

did you seriously believe that the opposite sex had cooties in elementary?: I didn’t think about that 

did you take a nap today?: I barely ever take naps in general

name something random in your car: I don’t own a car

would/did you cheat on someone for revenge or if they wouldn’t find out? neither

would you rather be remembered for something bad or forgotten? forgotten

would you date someone twice your age for money? only if I really had to survive and there was no other way but not forever?

rate your self-confidence, 1 being insecure, and 10 being cocky. I’m insecure but not sure how much 

are you content? I wish

would you knowingly be who someone cheats on someone else with? cheats with me on someone they pretend to love? hell no

would you sleep with a teacher to pass a class you were failing? ewww, yuk

have you ever contemplated physically hurting yourself or another? mhm

are you prejudice against any groups of people? I am

is there anything you chose to be ignorant about? (war, animal rights, etc) maybe

would you replace any family members if possible (& who)? oh well...

do you lie when asked how you’re doing? what for? to blame then for not noticing? to be an ass who’s lying?...

do you have any plans for tomorrow? meeting with M.

are you able to get a tan? not much

the next time you are on an airplane, where will you be traveling to? umm... no thx

are you satisfied with the picture on your id card? could be worse but also could be better

what are your chances of getting with your crush? I'm taken

what color is your car? no car!

is the song you’re currently listening to being sung by a male or female? two women

where did you get the shirt that you’re wearing? it was a gift

how tall is the last person you kissed? taller than me

is anybody in the room with you right now? not rn

how long have you been with your significant other, if you have one? 3 months

do you enjoy dried fruit? meh

How’s your day going? blergh

What does your umbrella look like? I borrow my parents’ umbrella, I hate umbrellas

Do you share a room with anyone? there are furniture with stuff inside that don’t belong to me

Do you have socks on? Describe them. grey

Are you one of those people who has like a hundred apps on their phone? I have spotify, choices, tumblr, tik tok, fb and messenger

Do you have good reflexes? I guess

Picture you think is cute.

Do you like blowing bubbles? sometimes

Are you better at posing good questions or coming up with outrageous dares? depends

Has there been a celebrity death that really affected you? I cried after some celebs but that’s all

If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends?  I haven’t :(

Do you think, if it came down to it, that you’d be able to kill someone? I believe I might

Are you good at rating things? am not

Do you get into a lot of arguments? :x

Can you pass for older than you are? can’t even pass for my real age lmfao

Do you talk a lot? at times

Are you capable of finishing a game of Monopoly? it’s not that hard

Do you own any tie-dye clothing? I hate tie-dye 

How much soda do you drink in a week? - Do you like being asked questions? love Are you nosy? slightly

How well can you pay attention to someone talking? depends What is the closest yellow thing to you? rosary Would you mind living on a farm? I’d try Are you a patient person? wouldn’t say so What annoys you the most about people? what doesn’t... Does your computer freeze a lot? my browser freezes right after turning on the computer and my internet dies often

Have you ever ate glue? wtf

When is the last time you took a picture? this day

If you could know one thing about the future, what would it be? when will I die for example

Do you like Ellen Degeneres? she’s awful

Are you comfortable dancing in public? whatever

Would you like to live to be 110 years old? I wanna die already

Do you like getting your picture taken? I’m ugly

Do you like being the X or the O when you play tic tac toe? X

What do you think is the most popular name for a girl? I checked:

Zofia Hanna Julia Zuzanna Alicja Maja Helena Maria Oliwia Pola

What about a boy?

Jan Franciszek Antoni Aleksander Stanisław Jakub Adam Leon Mikołaj Szymon

*do ya like any?

How many people are around you right now? my family’s in the kitchen eating so I’m alone

Do spicy foods give you heartburn or make you make you gassy? both and more

Is body hair attractive or unattractive to you? it’s normal/natural?

Do you prefer bare feet or socks? socks

Hard wood floor or carpet? hardwood

Would you ever want to work in a toy store? yasss

Do you like asking questions better or answering? answering

Do you follow your head or heart more? head

Would you rather give up your hand or your foot? foot

Have you ever tried crowd surfing? too risky and no fun

If you could have 16 wishes, tell me just one you wish: I don’t need 16, 3 are enough

Do you like the movie Bambi? If so, who is your favorite on there? I don’t remember Bambi 

Would you rather be on the computer all day or watch TV? computer

Would you rather be a police man or a firefighter? police

Do you like jokes or riddles better? jokes

Do you like onion rings? disgusting

Do you like odd or even numbers better? even are easier to count

Last song you heard? Marroon 5 - Animals

Ocean or lake? lake

Do you know a lot of people with the middle name Marie? weird but no, Anna is more popular

Do you like loud or quiet people better? smth in between unless in public - quiet strangers are better

Taking pictures or getting your picture taken? taking

Do you like chocolate? meh

Favorite day of the year? New year’s eve?

Favorite holiday? same

Crayons or markers? markers

Snookie or Vinny? Snookie

have you ever been to an animal shelter? that would break my heart

are you tired right now?

who is the worst actor or actress in your opinion? there are plenty  have you ever bought someone else lingerie? nope where are your parents right now? run around the house like crazy if you have a dog, does it bark a lot? luckily not, he howls rarely too have you ever seen a magic show? sure can you juggle? I tried to learn but failed

[thewillofalbusdumbledore]

Thank you for tagging me @sabitchhh !!! Not tagging anyone so anyone who wants can do this <3

50 QUESTIONS YOU’VE NEVER BEEN ASKED

what is the color of your hairbrush? I have a wooden comb that I got in Estonia but I barely use it, only once a week or so

a food you never eat? Bacon!

are you typically too warm or too cold? Really depends, cold in the mornings and warm when it's stuffy

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? Eating dinner with my family. My dad made mashed potatoes with dill in it, truly a russian feel-good food<3

what is your favorite candy bar? It used to be bounty but I can't eat those anymore 💔 can't think of any good vegan bars off the top of my head:/

have you ever been to a professional sports event? Yes I've watched several karate competitions and participated in a national one (got 4th place for kata!!)

what is the last thing you said out loud? Honestly cant remember, probably "ok" or soemthing to one of my parents

what is your favorite ice cream? Chocolate or caramel

what was the last thing you had to drink? water

do you like your wallet? Yes!! I got it in Primark like 6 years ago, its brown and its the perfect size for me. One of my rats has chewed on it a little which I'm actually not annoyed about, it's like a present

what was the last thing you ate? Matza with hummus (trying to finish the stock we have like 4 left)

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Yes I did actually! Got some 2nd hand jeans and a top

the last sporting event you watched? Eurovision 😗✌

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Plain salty x just like me

who is the last person you sent a text message to? My friend who is in Italy:(

ever go camping? I did a few times when my friend came to visit me from Israel

do you take vitamins? I take these multivitamins made for vegans they have B12 in them and shit (I often forget though)

do you go to church every sunday? i’m jewish, sweaty (keeping ur answer xx)

do you have a tan? I live in northern England so

do you prefer chinese food or pizza? Probably Chinese

do you drink your soda with a straw? I don't drink coke it can die. Also don't like straws in general for me they are unnecessary

what color socks do you usually wear? I have many black ones with different colour toes, some white and some funky colourful ones with random shit on them. My favourite ones are these blue and black ones with stitch from lilo and stitch

ever drive above the speed limit? Yeah but I try to go back down to it as soon as I notice

what terrifies you? Never fitting in, never finding friends or a partner. Being alone

look to your left, what do you see? My very messy night stand. I need to clear it

what chore do you hate? Wiping down dust, and folding laundry

what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? This Australian woman who runs a cooking channel on YouTube (it's called "how to cook that" check it out!)

what’s your favorite soda? I don't drink fizzy drinks xx

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? Neither really? We don't have many drive thrus in the UK first of all. Second I'd rather get chips or pizza at a pub

who’s the last person you talked to? My mum

favorite cut of beef? I don't eat beef aha

last song you listened to? Shrinking Universe by muse

last book you read? Currently making my way through harry potter and the chamber of secrets for the 100000th time

favorite day of the week? Saturday

can you say the alphabet backwards? I can't say it forwards

do you like your coffee? Hate coffee I'm a tea person

favorite pair of shoes? My green lesbian boots. They are starting to crack:(

at what time do you normally go to bed? Between 11 and 1, depends

at what time do you normally get up? Used to be around 9-11, now 7:(

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Sunsets for sure. Had some of my best moments during sunsets

how many blankets are on your bed? 2, one duvet and 1 stinky thin one my rats curl up in

describe your kitchen plates. They're from Ikea I think, white with light blue flowers and a sprinkle of red here and there

do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? The pink gin lemonade that comes in cans in supermarkets. I am very classy

do you play cards? I used to as a preteen and it makes me sad that I don't anymore. Knew all these Russian games that I now forgot, have to fix that!!

what color is your car? I do not have one but I drive my dad's car which is black

can you change a tire? Nop I am a fake lesbian

what is your favorite province? If we're talking area id say north east UK xx

favorite job you’ve ever had? Have not had real jobs bc I an studenting. But for a week when I was 16 me and my best friend helped out at a summer camp that we used to go as kids and got 100 shekels for the week that was really fun

how did you get your biggest scar? A scar on my right knee, I was 9 I think and me and some classmates were playing catch on the gravel in the school yard right before a big school show that our year was doing with dances and everything (including a dance that involved kneeling on your RIGHT KNEE). One of my classmates who was chasing me (damn it marta) fell on top of me and I grazed my knee really badly on the gavel, my skin was hanging off it was disgusting. But I somehow managed to do all the dances 30 minutes later, with a bloody knee that was sticking to my trousers

what did you do today that made someone else happy? Really nothing

[shanix-the-stars]

Worshipers of the Old

Kylo Ren x OC / Kylo Ren x Reader

Read on AO3

Summary:  He arrived at the archive during the late hours of the  night, searching for answers regarding a long lost Force ability. When  AR-210 is assigned to help him, she would never have anticipated the  strange and terrifying series of events that were to follow... and what  it all meant for her.

*Written in first person; main character has feminine qualities, but doesn’t have any defining characteristics.

Chapter 1: A Healing World

Warnings: None

Word Count: 3,018

A/N: hello! thank you for taking the time to read my story! this is  the first star wars fic i’ve written, so i hope it’s good enough for  this wonderful, amazing community.

this story does not follow the  movies’ timeline and is heavily based on lore and Legends material. i  put my own twist on things so it’s not important to read/look at any  background info on any of it. however, if you want to read more, i  suggest visiting Wookieepedia (also a great source for inspiration).

please enjoy!

『ID: AR-210

Passcode: ******

Keyword: Lower Level Overview Report』

I press the enter key on my datapad before setting it down on my desk, letting the entry load as I run out to the main lobby. Thirty minutes remain, and we aren’t even ready. Dozens of faculty members and students are rushing back and forth, each carrying some sort of device or package in their hands. I make a beeline for the Director’s office, but a voice calls out behind me before I can rush inside.

“Ahré!”

I whip my head around, seeing the Director himself running in my direction. His graying hair is a mess, and I can tell that his wrinkles are, well, even more wrinkly than before. I can practically feel the stress radiating off of him once he stops in front of me. “D-Director Malobry, I was just about to-“

“Reassure me that all the holobooks on the fifth floor in the east wing are all finally organized and shelved?” He storms past me and slams his office door open. I quickly follow. “It’s hell out there, and if that damn General sees that we’re behind schedule for the third consecutive month, he’ll have my head on a platter.”

“I-I’m sure that won’t be the case, Director-“

He holds a hand up. “Ahré, please.” He takes a breath, clearly trying to calm himself down. He lowers his voice. “Is the east wing done or not?”

I open my mouth but almost immediately clamp it shut. I don’t have any good news, and truth be told, none of those holobooks are shelved.

The Director waits for me to give him an answer, but after a moment, it seems like I don’t need to. Still, I hand my head and close my eyes, uttering a soft "no" under my breath.

There’s a pause. He collapses back into his chair and runs a hand through his hair. “Shit.”

Guilt forms in the pit of my stomach. The fear of witnessing the General’s wrath invades my mind, but perhaps the Director’s anger might be more concerning for the moment. I wasn’t even the archivist assigned to that wing, but I know who was: Jolson. The thought of him being reprimanded—or worse—for the third time this month... I can feel my head swim with fear.

“Go help Jolson with that floor,” the Director says quietly. He’s already accepted his fate. “Make sure you get every droid working on those shelves. We might still have a chance.”

I’m surprised, but I make a point not to show it. I bow my head and exit the office, merging with the traffic of people busying about. Several droids are attending to other minuscule chores in other rooms, so I call on them to go to the east wing before rounding up a few other archivists as well.

I glance at the time on one of the walls, but I don’t give myself the time to process the numbers. I immediately look away and make my way to the fifth floor.

Just focus, Ahré.

Once I arrive, there is a frenzy of excitement and eagerness flowing in the room as piles of holobooks and scrolls are being carried from one end to the other. Half of the staff inside is working on the main lower shelves, while the other is up on the mezzanine. It’s a slightly relieving sight, but I try not to let that get my hopes up. The majority of the shelves are still empty.

“Ahré! Over here!”

I turn to see Jolson on the other side of the room, wearing a fresh new uniform and a pair of shoes. His usually messy black hair swept up into a bun, and I can tell he put a little more effort into today’s occasion. Still, he looks a little tired. I watch him jog over with a stack of new flimsiplast, a big smile painted on his face. I do my best to return it with a disapproving frown.

He raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“We have less than half an hour until the General arrives. He’s already at Aurora looking at things over there. And the Director knows about your...” I gesture to the entirety of the room. “...lack of shelving.”

“Malobry can go die in the pits of Kaon for all I care,” he huffs, walking toward one of the supply shelves. “Hope to the Force one of the scranges get to him before anything else does.”

I trail behind him, suppressing an eye roll. “I know the both of you don’t... get along. But can you please, at least for today, keep your head on your shoulders? If the General sees one thing out of place, what’s to stop him from getting rid of Malobry?”

“Come on, Ahré. You know as well as I do Hux doesn’t have anyone else to look over these libraries. Not after all that’s happened.” He sets the packets of flimsiplast down on the floor before pulling out his datapad. “Besides, the Supreme Leader personally appointed Malobry. I doubt the General would want to oppose him.”

He does have a point... but there’s been talk about infighting among the First Order, especially between the both of them. After Kylo Ren got rid of the former Supreme Leader, things have become rather tense. There seems to be a stricter hold on First Order regions and institutions; not to mention the seemingly never-ending war with the Resistance. However, that only meant escape from the Yuuzhan Vong for Obroa-skai, so I can only complain so much.

Jolson snaps his fingers in front of my face, bringing me back to attention. “Obroa-skai to Ahré, helloooo?”

I swat his hand away. “Sorry, just... thinking,” I say dumbly.

He chuckles. “Sure. Now, stop worrying and help me with sections eight, nine, and ten, okay? We’ll get it done.” He looks down at me, his big blue eyes full of reassurance. A sincere smile graces his lips. He knows how to calm me down, and as much as I hate it, it works. Although he tends to lag behind most faculty and staff, he can always be counted on to do one thing: be a friend.

I guess that’s all I can really ask from him.

~

The General arrives at the archives precisely on time. He is accompanied by a few other officers with identical uniforms, some of whom seem to care less about the visit. At the entrance remain at least a dozen stormtroopers with blasters gripped in their hands, while a couple of others follow behind the group of men.

Odd.

All of our staff members are lined across the lobby, everyone standing in attention as General Hux and his entourage make their way up to the Director and I. He surveys the lines, eyeing each and every one of us with a scrutinizing glare. I have to stop myself from squirming in my spot and pray to the beings above I look presentable enough. I can already feel a chill running down my spine.

“Very well,” he finally says. He turns to Malobry. “I trust that work on Celebratus has ceased, Director.”

He nods. “Yes, General. We have been working tirelessly on the facility. The east and west wings are complete, as well as the lower levels.”

There’s a hum of approval. “Excellent. The Medical Director at Aurora has reported that there haven’t been any border attacks there as of late, so I believe the situation to be corresponding with this sector?”

“That would be correct,” Malobry confirms. I glance up at him, seeing a thin layer of sweat coating his forehead and neck. Poor guy.

General Hux turns back to the staff, giving them a final once-over before nodding. “You are all dismissed.”

They bow their heads quickly and head out in different directions of the archive. I catch a glimpse of Jolson, seeing him send me a playful wink my way. Warmth blooms in my chest at the small gesture.

“AR-210.”

I snap back into position. “Y-Yes, General?”

“The Supreme Leader is planning a visit later today. Seeing as you are the head clerk for the archive, I believe you could aid him with something he needs.”

My brows furrow together. Need? What in the galaxy would the leader of the First Order possibly need from here?

I manage a semi-nod, but it feels more like a confused tilt of the head instead. I’m sure I look oblivious, but I can’t help but feel like I am. Perhaps I’m missing something. “Of course. May I ask what he is looking for?”

The General scoffs. “He wouldn’t tell me,” he says, a hint of irritation laced in his words. “But I doubt it’s of much importance. Our own records and archives weren’t sufficient enough for his... research projects. He insisted on coming to Obroa-skai.”

My head is swimming with a thousand questions, none of them actually verbalized. Instead, I relax my features and bow my head. “I’d be happy to help, General.”

“Good. Now, Director, if you could show us around the facility, we will be on our way soon.”

I’ve never seen Malobry move faster. “Yes, yes, of course. Please, gentlemen, if you could follow me...”

Within ten seconds, they round a corner and disappear from view. I’m left standing in the lobby with the feeling of nothing but dread in the pit of my stomach. Now I’m the one sweating. There isn’t even a hint of comfort anywhere nearby, just a receptionist desk on the other side of the room. Stormtroopers still stand outside the entrance, perfectly still and ready at a moment’s notice. I decide to step away into my own office and wait there instead. It doesn’t help.

I grab my datapad and scroll through the entry I loaded up earlier. The words are a blur on the screen as I try to read, but it’s useless. Fear grips at my mind. Something about this doesn’t feel right. The Supreme Leader... in need of help with information he can’t already acquire? I sigh and sit down at my desk, letting my thoughts drown in stress.

~

Hours pass and no Kylo Ren. The General has already left, as well as half the stormtroopers that had initially arrived. The remaining still stand outside. My nerves have somewhat calmed down, but what remains is worry. Perhaps, to someone above, this may just be some sort of punishment for me. For what reason, I do not know, nor do I think it matters at this point.

A knock at my door nearly sends my heart over the point of no return. I get up, composing myself as I make my way to open it. The anxiety kicks back in, and for a moment I begin to feel nauseous. This could be it—the defining moment of whether or not I get to live another day. Would one slip-up ensure my demise? Would he really go that far? What if I can’t find what he’s looking for? I force my thoughts aside and slide the door open, relieved to see that it’s only Jolson. His eyes widen once they meet mine. “Ahré? Are you alright?”

“Jolson.” I let out a shaky breath. “Thank the stars. And no, no, I’m not alright,” I reply blatantly. He waits on me to elaborate, his worry turning into confusion.

“Well... what’s going on?”

I peek out into the corridor to make sure nobody else is present before pulling him into my office. “Sit,” I command, gesturing to the chair in the corner. He obliges, but the concerned expression he wears doesn’t waver for a second.

I slam the door shut. “The Supreme Leader is coming to the archive later,” I begin, walking behind my desk. “Apparently he needs help finding something.”

“Okay,” Jolson starts, hesitant. “What does he need from here?”

“That’s just it. I asked the General the same question, but even he didn’t know.” I fall back into my chair. “I also don’t know when he’s coming. He could be walking through the front doors right now. Maybe he is, and I’m just back here panicking. He’s going to think I’m terrified of him, which I’m sure he already knows, but it’s just going to—“

“Ahré,” Jolson interrupts, tone firm and deep. I shut my mouth immediately. “Why are you worrying so much? You shouldn’t be.”

I huff. “Why not? It’s the Supreme Leader-“

“Who is coming here specifically for help, Ahré.”

I pause, taken aback. He’s coming here... for help. For help.

Jolson’s features smooth out into a tired smile, no doubt exhausted after today’s near-disaster. I take a moment to look at him, really look at him, and see dark circles under his eyes. I suddenly forget about the Supreme Leader.

“Have you been taking care of yourself, Jolson?” I ask, my tone sounding perhaps a little more accusing than intended. “You look tired.”

He stands, chuckling as if amused, and extends an arm out towards me. I walk over. He wraps his arm around my shoulders, squeezing me gently. “I am,” he says. “But you’re anxiety over this whole thing might be tiring me out even more.”

I glare at him.

“I’m joking.”

We walk out into the main lobby. A few librarians and archivists are leaving for the night—no doubt heading out to the bar—while others are coming in for their shifts. Malobry is talking to Vess, one of our receptionists, with a bright smile I haven’t seen in months. The weight of today’s visit has been finally lifted off of our shoulders. We probably won’t have to worry about another inspection for a year or two. I only wish I could celebrate with the others.

Jolson stops for a moment, turning to face me. “You’re going to be fine,” he reassures once again. “Remember, he’s the one who needs your help. No need to get overwhelmed.”

His eyes bore into mine, and all I can do is nod.

He pats my arm softly before heading for the doors. I watch as he slaps Malobry’s back forcefully as he walks by, earning him a near disgusted look from the elder. He too heads out for the night a moment later.

The clock reads 25:00, and I decide whether to go back to my office and wait or just go home. General Hux did say that the Supreme Leader would be coming today... there’s still an hour left. I’ll wait until then.

I walk up the receptionist's desk, replaying Jolson’s words in my head. He’s right. There’s no need to get worked up about it. I know what I’m doing. This has been my job for the last five years, after all... I’m allowed to feel confident.

“Hey, Vess,” I greet with a warm smile. She looks up from the datapad in her hands, immediately returning my smile with her own.

“Ahré, oh my goodness! How are you? How was the inspection today? I heard that Jolson almost didn’t get his level of the east wing finished on time, and that the General asked you to help the Supreme Leader with something, and that Malobry almost passed out. Oh! Is it true that...” She speaks at a pace I can hardly keep up with, but I let her go on. Her golden curls bounce excitedly at the news of today’s events, and I almost feel bad that she has the late shift this month. It’s clear that she likes to stay in the loop.

“Everything is great,” I say once she’s done. “And yes, it was pretty busy today, but also kind of scary.”

“Oh, I’m sure! After all of that? I wish I could have seen it!” She leans back in her chair dramatically, bringing a hand up to her forehead with a swoon. “You are so lucky, Ahré.”

If only.

I giggle and shake my head. “Hey, I’m going to be in the fifth library study on the second floor until the Supreme Leader arrives. If you could direct him there when he comes, that would be great.”

She nods eagerly. “Of course! Absolutely no problem! Have fun!”

I thank her and go back to my office to grab my datapad before making my way up to the second floor. It’s quiet in this part of the building. No students, no faculty or staff... just the low hum of the heater and a couple of droids finishing up their work. It’s the perfect place to relax at this hour. I enter the study and climb up to the mezzanine. There’s an alcove in the back, a small armchair and lamp occupying the space. It looks so inviting, I have to stop myself from running over and laying down for a nap. Out of the couple thousand study rooms, this is by far my favorite.

I pass by a window that looks far out to the border, stopping for a second to watch the red blinking lights on the gate. On the other side lies a frozen wasteland, filled with nothing except what remains of the Yuuzhan Vong. Their arrival to Obroa-skai two years ago was anything but expected, and before we all knew it, they had destroyed much of the planet’s life within the span of a few months. It wasn’t until the First Order caught wind of the invasion did they come. They were able to wipe away a majority of the enemy rather quickly. Since then, we’ve all been trying our best to return to a sense of normalcy... but even now, that reality seems to be illusive as ever.

I tear my eyes away from the view and sit down in the armchair. The anxiety I’ve held back for the last few minutes settles in once again, and this time it just feels a little more real. I run my fingers across my datapad in an attempt to distract my nerves but to no avail. I turn it on and see the lower level report, still open and ready for me to read.

I skim through the subheadings: field reports in need of filing... more software malfunctions... registering new reference codes... Nothing out of the ordinary. Again. I sigh and begin to read from the top.

About a half-hour later, I hear the door open on the other side of the room.

[timeslipselfships]

Shaky Next Step A Ruv (FNF: Mid-Fight Masses) Self Ship Fic

A/N: AAAAASHWAIKAAFS I actually did it holy hell, my first ever proper self-ship fic.

Also @prick-o yer hcs inspired this bless

-

It had been about two months since Kay found themself indefinitely staying at the church. A strange thing to think about as it wasn't like they were being held captive here, but as long as they didn't have any identification, money or means of contact with their family they didn't have anywhere else to go. They were but a simple tourist who had won a week-long trip to Moscow, Russia, in a raffle they had entered on a lark. It was the furthest they'd ever been from home but it was as exciting as it was nerve-wracking.

The trip was pretty great at first, a nice hotel, delicious local cuisine and beautiful architecture abound.

Around three days in, however, things fell apart.

Kay had been attending a local concert that went on to late in the night. They knew the area by now but the darkness of night tended to make things startlingly unfamiliar. It wasn't a far walk from their hotel but they couldn't help but feel anxious as they passed the shadowy alleyways and dark buildings. Next thing they knew they felt a hand on their shoulder and they were pulled into one of those very alleys. They felt a knife pointed to their chest as the thuggish figure demanded something their grasp on Russian didn't quite comprehend, but likely was along the lines of "Your money or your life."

Kay should have screamed for help, they should have just given him their bag and ran. They didn't do either of these things.

Instead, Kay lifted their leg and kicked him square in the groin. It was pure fight or flight instinct. For good measure they took their bag off and beaned him in the head while he was clutching himself and heaving.

Huh, never thought they'd react quite like that. Kay almost felt proud of themself for teaching the thug a lesson. At least until they found themself surrounded by a whole group of similarly dressed and armed figures.

Kay didn't even get a chance to curse themself out internally before something large and metallic hit the back of their head.

-

The next time Kay awoke their vision was blurry. They were lying somewhere cold... very cold. They could see the vague shape of trees and... snow. They heard vague yelling and struggling as they tried to sit up, to no avail as they were simply too weak and fell back in the snow.

The last thing Kay saw as their vision faded once again was a tall, imposing figure decked in grey looming over them.

-

That was the man Kay would later come to know as Ruvzayat, or Ruv for short. He had come across the thugs carrying their unconscious body through the wilderness, likely looking to leave them to the elements to die. He had intervened and saw them off (rather violently) before taking them to the church they currently resided in. There they’d meet Sarvente, or Sarv, who did her best to treat their wounds and make them comfortable before they woke back up.

It was definitely a shock as Kay woke up in a strange, somewhat run-down looking church. They had always been rather uncomfortable with religious subjects, having had more than one unfortunate experience with people using their faith as an excuse to spread hatred and cruelty. Fortunately, Sarv was every bit as kind as the good book encouraged, immediately at their side as they first observed their foreign surroundings.

Sarv was an interesting character to be sure. Doting on Kay like a concerned parent, she would always ask if they were comfortable, if they needed anything to eat or drink, if they needed new bandages or more pain medication...

Kay was indeed rather roughed up from their experience. Their worst injury was their broken left foot, currently in a makeshift cast and propped up on pillows, as well as being rather chilled from exposure to the frigid Russian air. They also had some bruised ribs and a (surprisingly only) minor concussion, alongside a myriad of minor scrapes and abrasions as well as some broken teeth. Of course they were also stripped of everything but the clothes on their back. No phone. No ID. Nothing.

Thus, Kay was left at the mercy of Sarv, who was also rather unique physically. She was almost seven feet tall with her heels, wore an oddly form-fitting nun's outfit and...

Had odd ivory white skin with streaks of pastel pink marbling, as well as large, blank white eyes.

Kay would be a pretty massive hipocrate to question others' physical appearance, they weren't anything special themselves. Nonetheless, this was still something that gnawed at their mind.

Then, there was Ruv. He was arguably even more doting of Kay, without fail appearing every waking hour making sure they were in need of nothing. He was surprisingly quiet despite his appearance, seeming to appear without a sound. And even with his deep, bassy voice he'd always talk just above a whisper. Taciturn and blunt yes, but he seemed to care just as much as Sarv.

If only Kay knew it would become so much more.

-

Indeed, Ruv was oddly determined to find the rest of those thugs and show them what petty, cheap thievery would truly earn them. Even in his criminal career, he only targeted either other gang members or those that could defend themselves. He didn't look on his past fondly but he liked to think he had some standards, of a sort.

But for now, that could wait. For now, making sure this stranger, Kay, was safe and healing, was more important.

He wasn't sure why he was so concerned about this Kay figure. His best guess was that seeing this simple civilian being dragged around by some wannabe crooks to be left to die alone... angered him. A rare kind of anger that seeped through his soul and made his blood white hot.

He wouldn't, couldn't, just leave them be.

And now, a mere three days later, he kept having to check in. Less to make sure Kay was taken care of, but to keep them off their feet and resting.

He was shocked the first time he saw Kay trying to walk on their bum leg. Clearly struggling and practically dragging themself using a pew for balance.

"what are you doing."

Kay stiffened briefly at his voice before relaxing somewhat.

"I c-can't just sit around and watch you two runnin' about..." Kay stammered out, sharply inhaling as they took another quivering step. "Let me d-do somethIINGggH!" They choked out as their knee suddenly buckled.

Ruv was right on top of them, arms around Kay before they hit the ground. They couldn't help but blush at the contact as Ruv carefully scooped them up bridal-style and brought them back to the mattress they had spent their stay on.

"stay here."

Kay let out a sigh.

"You sure you don't want me to do anything?"

"just rest."

Kay hated this. They felt like little more than a burden loafing around like this. Surely they could walk a little bit by now...

"...you really want to help?"

Kay nodded.

Ruv left the room without a word. Kay sat there awkwardly, worried they had offended him somehow. However, Ruv soon returned with an armful of papers, setting them on a nearby pew.

Kay blinked curiously before being scooped up once again and placed next to the pile, soon surrounded once again by blankets and pillows as they were made comfortable as possible in their new seat.

Ruv pulled a pen out of his jacket pocket and handed it to Kay before pointing to the stack of papers.

"fill in the names."

He handed Kay the first paper in the stack which contained a list of names.

"one each. put them aside when you're done."

Kay took a quick look at the papers. Some kind of newsletter. How quaint.

"you... k with that."

Kay, for the first time since their arrival, beamed.

"That's the name!"

It took Ruv a moment to process the joke before giving an ever so subtle ghost of a smirk.

As Ruv turned around, Kay called out to him.

"A-and... uh... thank you..."

Ruv turned his head slightly.

"...no. thank you."

Kay blushed again as they quickly turned to their work, unaware of Ruv quickly retreating to hide his own matching shade of pink.

-

And now, the two were surprisingly close, much to Sarv's delight. She had wanted Ruv to open himself up more to others for a long time and their new guest seemed to click well with him.

It wasn't unusual to see the two of them sharing a comfortable silence together. Sometimes Kay would be face down in a book as Ruv simply seemed to be in his own little world, before Kay would pipe up with something they found particularly interesting, with Ruv making a grunt of acknowledgement before sometimes adding his own two cents.

It was... peaceful. And true to their word, Kay was more than willing to help with whatever needed doing in the church, whether it be paperwork like before or, as their injuries healed, physical labor. Carrying boxes of donations, sweeping the hall etc.

Kay felt they could never truly repay the two for saving their life, but for now, this would have to be enough.

Today however, was a quiet, relaxing one. No chores were in need of immediate attention, nothing scheduled, and Sarv was out in town today, so the two were content to simply sit in the church hall and talk whatever came to mind.

"I'm just sayin', we know more about outer bloomin' space than we do the ocean. Who's to say what's down there?"

"so you're saying there's still megalodon out there."

"No, no. I'm saying it's entirely possible some descendant of megalodon adapted to life in the deep ocean. Megalodon is extinct, but a new, different species of mega-shark lives on in their stead."

"ah."

Neither one was really sure how they got on to this topic, nor did they really care. Just listening to Kay talk at length about something they evidently cared about was enough to make Ruv happy.

Their peaceful banter was suddenly interrupted as the large double wooden doors of the church burst open. Both immediately turned to see an unfamiliar figure. Kay briefly feared it was one of their thugs coming to finish the job, but soon found he didn't have the same "uniform" those petty crooks wore, just some off-brand trackwear and knit beanie.

The man looked around the place with a confident smirk and his hands in his pockets as he walked towards the pair.

"Nice place. Little plain but that can be fixed. I'll take it." He punctuated his last statement with a cocky grin towards the two.

"What?" Kay remarked.

"I said I'll take it." The man rolled his eyes like he was talking to an idiot. "This joint'll make a nice little hangout for me an' the boys."

"Wh- you can't do that!" Kay stood up before pausing "Uh... Can he?" They asked their tall, silent companion.

"'Course I can!" The man made his way towards Kay, pulling something shiny and metal out of his pocket. Kay felt their hackles raise thinking it was a weapon until...

A... microphone?

"Unless you wanna rap for it." The man said with a toothy grin.

"...What?"

Kay looked wide eyed between the mic, the man and Ruv. No one moved. The man's expression didn't falter.

Oh... he was serious.

Not only that, but according to Ruv's reaction, or lack thereof, this was not an unusual means of conflict resolution.

"Whoa, whoa, wait!" Kay raised their hands defensively. "I don't think you get it! I can't sing or dance or anythin'!"

"So you forfeit?" The man's slimy smile made Kay's skin crawl. "Guess you better pack your bags then."

Ruv evidently had enough, as he stood from his seat to his full towering height and soon stepped between the two.

"this is a sacred place." Ruv glared down towards the interloper. "show respect or leave. your choice."

Kay saw Ruv's hand leave his pocket revealing a microphone of his own. Did... did he have that on him this whole time?

The man snorted back laughter looking Ruv up and down, seemingly unintimidated. "Big man gonna hafta protect his widdle pwincess?"

Ruv's eye narrowed. "last chance."

"Pffft..." The man mocked. "Bring it stringbean!"

Kay retreated back a few as the two combatants stepped away from each other. They were about to question things further until the speakers installed in the church walls suddenly sprang to life as if on cue.

Kay was about done questioning things at this point. Or so they thought.

The first few verses passed by quickly as Kay had a hard time keeping up with the lyrics, thanks to both the speed of the song and the fact that the two seemed to be singing in their native language, Kay not being nearly versed enough to fully follow.

Ruv had a surprisingly nice voice all things considered. Made them wish he sang more often.

Then there was a brief pause. Ruv took a breath.

If Kay had a hard time following beforehand, they definitely were completely lost now. As Ruv sang, his voice was nearly incomprehensible at the sheer volume. The building shook and his opponent had the expression of someone who had made a massive mistake as he stumbled, grabbing onto a nearby pew to maintain balance against this pure vocal force.

For his part, he tried to continue, albeit rather shaken and fumbling his words. He... tried.

Ruv didn't relent, continuing his lyrical assault as he marched towards his foe, his footsteps seemingly in time with the rhythm, giving the impression of the quaking being caused by his very approach. The man finally lost his balance and fell. Ruv loomed over his opponent as he gave pause for the thoroughly shaken man to retaliate.

"Ah… eh… I..." The man stuttered and mumbled before dropping his mic with a feedback ladden clang.

An eerie silence fell.

Then, a noise, a mundane, inconsequential sound that had no right to carry as much dread as it did.

Click. Eeeee...

Ruv's microphone wasn't even on.

This broke something in the intruder. He scrambled to his feet and ran, clambering about on his shaking knees while yelling something along the lines of "What the hell are you!?" as he fled.

Ruv picked up the dropped microphone as he placed his own back into his pocket after turning it back off. He examined it idly as he silently walked back to Kay.

"sorry about that." Ruv simply stated as he sat down next to his shaken friend, before presenting the discarded mic to them.

"here."

"...Huh?"

"don't think he's coming back for it."

"..."

Kay quietly took the microphone, shiny and unused beyond what had just happened.

Kay looked over to Ruv only to notice him avoiding their gaze.

"...soooo..."

"..."

Kay tapped their fingers along the mic in their hands as they thought over their wording.

"That was..."

Ruv closed his eye waiting for the inevitable words. Terrifying. Monstrous. Freakish. He'd heard it all over the years.

"Awesome..."

Ruv's eye opened wide. Scratch that. He'd hadn't heard that one before.

Ruv turned to Kay, trying to read their expression for any signs of a lie. All he saw was an honest blush of bashful admiration.

"...huh."

"Yeah. I know. Weird. But..." Kay looked at their feet as they talked. "Can't say I know many folks who can make the roar of a crowd with only one man." They looked up again with a small smile.

Ruv wished he could properly smile back. "i... thanks."

"How do you do that anyway?" Kay suddenly had a look of earnest curiosity as they looked him in the eye, a rare feat for them.

"it's not exactly something you can learn."

"Don't care."

Ruv paused. He had never told anyone the origin of his voice. Never really had the chance. Only Sarv knew because she was there when it all happened.

"it's a long story..."

"I've got time."

...

"fine."

Kay smiled and turned fully to Ruv. They tucked their knees to their chin and looked on with rapt attention.

"let's see..."

-NOTE: THE FOLLOWING SECTION DEPICTS SCENES OF GUN VIOLENCE, GORE AND BODY HORROR. IF THESE TOPICS ARE TRIGGERING TO YOU OR YOU OTHERWISE WISH NOT TO SEE SUCH CONTENT, PLEASE CTRL+F AND TYPE IN 'END OF SEGMENT' TO SKIP SUCH CONTENT. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.-

It was a peaceful day at the church. Sarv had just finished dusting the hall and was looking upon the room with pride when a sudden noise burst through the afternoon air.

BANG

Sarv jumped. A gunshot? Her thoughts were soon interrupted by another bang, this time against the church doors. She rushed over only to witness them opening as Ruv's body fell like a sandbag to the floor.

"Ruvzayat!"

Sarv rushed over to her friend’s body, alarmed as she saw a fast forming pool of blood underneath.

"Ruv, please! Speak to me!"

No response.

Sarv turned Ruv's body over, gasping in shock and fear as she saw just what had happened.

Ruv's chest was absolutely eviscerated. Red, raw flesh and shattered bone were plainly visible along with a vital clue.

Buckshot.

Figuring out who had attacked Ruv and why could wait. For now, Sarv had to desperately try to save her childhood friend.

How though? Her mind blanked in panic. She could do basic first aid, but she was no surgeon. Calling for medical assistance would be fruitless, with their remote location it would take far too long for help to arrive.

She was running out of time. Ruv's breathing was weak, shallow and wet, he was fading too fast. Sarv couldn't... wouldn't lose him.

She shouldn't... using her powers like that was not only risky but would forever mark him as her indebted. In most eyes his soul would be beyond saving, damned.

Then again, she was a demon who had chosen a holy, righteous path. Maybe, just maybe, if she kept to that path, the powers that be would find room to spare him.

Sarv took a deep breath and started chanting some kind of unknowable language. Her light, charming voice started to echo with arcane power as she hovered her hands over Ruv's wound as they emanate a deep red glow which soon was shared by Ruv's injury.

Ruv's bones and flesh started to move on their own as they started to knit together and reform. His lungs and heart not only healed as the stray bullet remains were forced out, but strengthened and grew. His rib cage followed suit, and as his skin regrew around it, it became clear his overall chest area was now significantly larger.

-END OF SEGMENT-

Demon magic was always unpredictable, but it seemed that beyond some minor alterations Ruv was fully healed. Though Sarv couldn't help but wince as she saw Ruv's already pale complexion fade further as grey marbled stripes formed throughout. Not at all unlike Sarv's pink tinged patterns.

Turns out, being marked by demonic influence was quite a literal term.

Still, Ruv was alive and breathing, Sarv watching his chest steadily rise and fall with a small smile of relief. She soon got up to grab a blanket and pillow so Ruv would be somewhat less sore upon awakening.

-

Hours later, Ruv awoke with his mind in a haze. The last thing he remembered was that an old 'acquaintance' from his past had tracked him down and was more than willing to not only get some bloody revenge on him, but anyone he associated with. Naturally he couldn't let that happen.

A brief but intense brawl ensued. The would-be assailant was battered and beaten, greatly underestimating Ruv's physical strength as he attempted to wrench the gun from his opponent's hands.

However, all it took was one pull of the trigger.

Ruv had just enough strength in him to punch his foe out and stomp on the dropped weapon hard enough to render it at least temporarily unusable before his adrenaline ran low and he stumbled his way to the church doors in a daze before collapsing, completely unaware of the sheer severity of his injury.

He felt... surprisingly alright all things considered. No pain, just stiffness from laying on the floor.

Ruv sat up and looked around him. His destroyed shirt and coat had been removed alongside his hat, the latter likely had fallen off when he collapsed. He was still near the doors but found himself draped in a blanket and...

Uninjured...?

Ruv looked down at his chest. It was unmarred, no bandages, stitches or scars to be found. Instead he found his skin was even paler than before. Porcelain white as opposed to simply fair. Not only that, but grey stripes and markings dotted his flesh, covering his hands like mismatched gloves.

It didn't take long for him to realize the resemblance.

As Ruv examined himself further he realized how... strange his chest looked now. Maybe it was just because it had been destroyed in what felt like mere moments earlier, but he could swear there was a slight... vibration to it as he breathed. Putting a hand to his upper body it felt like his ribs were thicker somehow as he could feel his heart pounding with strength that wasn't there before.

"Huh..."

Odd, but nothing he couldn't live with. Whatever Sarv had pulled seemed to work better than any typical medicine.

That is, until his dry mouth elicited a cough.

As suddenly as the hack escaped his throat, the building shook.

Ruv braced himself in his sitting position as the quake ceased as soon as it began. An aftershock?

It was at that moment he realized he hadn't seen Sarv since he awoke. Normally she'd be by his side in an instant as soon as she so much as heard a sniffle, let alone anything more. He recalled the man from his past, his intent...

"SARV!"

He shouted for her as fear gripped him as he stood up, only to fall to the floor as another quake rocked the area.

Shit! An earthquake here? Now?

No... It stopped once again. What on Earth was going on?

"Shit... Shit!"

Ruv got to his feet again, one hand on his bare chest, feeling his heart pound. It didn't feel... strange or uncomfortable though. It felt like it was his normal heart rate, just... harder.

"Ruv!?"

Sarv's voice! Ruv spun to face her as she made her way down the hall.

"Sarv! Stay there! Something’s-!"

The quaking started again as Ruv fell to his hands and knees as Sarv stumbled to grip a nearby pillar. Stronger and longer this time.

Through the cacophony Ruv heard an ominous crack. He raised his head to see the pillar Sarv was leaning on splitting apart. Ruv shouted out once more, realizing too late the true source of the quakes.

"SAR-!"

Ruv clasped a hand over his mouth as the realization struck him. Once was nothing. Twice a coincidence. Three times a trend.

He... He was doing this.

From his all-fours position he could feel the force emanating from himself. He felt how his chest vibrates violently with his voice.

Something was indeed wrong... with him. His body.

His thoughts were only interrupted when a violent, grinding crunch sounded through the building, his eye looking up just in time to see Sarv disappear behind a cloud of dust and debris.

Silence...

Dread like none before filled Ruv as the dust settled. He wanted to call out to Sarv desperately, but...

His lifelong friend, the only other person in his life...

She'd saved his life, and he'd taken hers...

Sarv emerged from behind the pillar, mere inches away from being crushed beneath it. She looked to where she last saw Ruv only to see him curled up on himself, eye wide and teary as he tried his best to hold back sobs. She hadn't seen him in such a vulnerable state since they were both but children on the streets.

"Ruv... Ruv it's okay. I'm right here."

Sarv startled as Ruv shifted away from her as soon as she made herself known. He looked at her with fear and remorse, silently begging her to stay away.

Sarv refused to have that.

She approached Ruv as he closed his eye and curled up further, though he didn't resist as Sarv draped herself over him in a tight embrace.

"It's okay. It's okay... I'm fine, see?"

Sarv tried to get a look at Ruv's face but he evidently was avoiding her gaze, shame clear on his features.

"It's alright Ruv. We'll figure this out. I promise."

The two sat there in silence for a long time, letting the events of the day fade into memory as they made a silent reaffirmation of their friendship.

They'd adapt. Just like they had before and inevitably would again.

-

Apparently, when Sarv healed Ruv's fatal wounds, she also effectively supercharged the affected area, resulting in Ruv now having far more powerful lungs, heart and vocal chords than any regular human. Naturally, Ruv didn't have any knowledge regarding how to handle these changes, thus a long, difficult learning process.

Kay sat in silence as Ruv concluded his story. His face was hard to read, on one hand it wasn't fun revisiting some of his more painful memories. He hated how vividly he remembered the horror of potentially losing Sarv twice in the same day, both as consequences of his actions. On the other, it felt kind of... nice. Like he was getting something off his chest.

Which Kay wasn't very good at hiding her wandering gaze at from him.

"Sooo... I guess you figured out how to control it?" Kay said after realizing they'd been caught staring with a blush, trying to change the subject.

Ruv hummed in response.

"yeah. didn't talk at all for a while. sarv wouldn't stand for that for long however."

"How'd you go about it?"

Ruv considered for a moment.

"singing, honestly."

At first Kay wanted to question this, but reconsidered. It wasn't that odd really. Singing did require a lot of vocal finesse. Controlling one's tone, inflection and, well, volume...

Sheesh... they hadn't even given much thought to the almost casual revelation that Sarv, kind, chaste, charitable Sarv, was a genuine demon. That's something they'd have to explore further at a later date.

Something else was bothering Kay now though, it was clear on their face.

"what's up."

Kay jumped slightly before blushing brightly.

"This is gonna sound really weird but... you said your, uh... chest was all different right?"

Ruv nodded, his expression stoic as ever.

"Could I... look? Justoutofcuriosity...?" Kay sputtered, knowing what their request sounded like.

"..."

"k."

Kay blinked. They didn't expect that to go over so well.

Wordlessly, Ruv shrugged off his coat, revealing his well-toned arms. Kay felt like their face was already on fire.

Next, Ruv deftly pulled his top up and over his head, managing to keep his hat in place. Kay could only imagine from practice alone as they tried to hide their flustered sweating.

"It's purely... scientific curiosity... yeah, let's go with that." Kay tried to rationalize their thoughts.

Indeed, Ruv was speaking the truth with his recollections. It almost looked like someone had taken the barrel-like, deepend thorax of a horse and just tucked it under human skin. Muscles only somewhat obscuring heavy, well-sprung ribs.

Kay found themself raising a shaky hand before pausing.

"M- May I?"

Ruv nodded.

Kay pressed their hand against Ruv's bared chest. They could feel his heart thumping against his ribcage, the slight vibrations from his breath alone.

“Woah…”

“Ah, Ruv, Kay, how are you doinOHMYGOODNESS!”

The two’s heads snapped in the direction of a beet red-faced Sarvente.

“Ah, aahah, I’ll leave you two besorrysorry!” Sarv sputtered as she backed off through the doorway she had just entered from, eyes looking… anywhere but at her two companions.

The pair instantly realised how intimate they appeared to Sarv without any context. Ruv was hurriedly pulling his top on, his expression neutral but face flushed pink, while Kay was just covering their face, barely holding back an embarrassed squeal.

They would explain, or try to, later. For now, as they caught each other's glances briefly, they quietly filed away this memory.

They would only make plenty more.

[shutterbughen]

i only shitpost my personal life on this social media so here’s tag thing

200: My crush's name is: Absolutely nobody lol

199: I was born in: 1999

198: I am really: Impulsive

197: My cellphone company is: Metro

196: My eye color is: Brown

195: My shoe size is: I’m Bigfoot so 9, sometimes 9 1/2

194: My ring size is: I have no idea

193: My height is: 5'9

192: I am allergic to: bees?

191: My 1st car was: Chrysler seibring

190: My 1st job was: Technically Hardee’s but MJR

189: Last book you read: I can't remember

188: My bed is: Where I take tf out of my depression naps

187: My pet: N/A

185: My favorite shampoo is: OGX

184: Xbox or ps3: PS3

183: Piggy banks are: Probably fun to break

182: In my pockets: No pants ;)

181: On my calendar: If I had one it would just be work

180: Marriage is: Unlikely

179: Spongebob can: Keep making memes

178: My mom: Better when we’re apart

177: The last three songs I bought were? The last three I DOWNLOADED were Revenge by XXXTentacion, 6 Inch by Beyoncé & The Weeknd, and Self Care by Mac Miller

176: Last YouTube video watched? Joji - rain on me

175: How many cousins do you have? Too many

174: Do you have any siblings? 7

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yeah but barely

171: Do you play an instrument? I can somewhat play the piano but it’s been a while

170: What did you do yesterday? Slept in kind of late, watched Netflix. Depression days lol

[ I Believe In ]

169: Love at first sight: I want to

168: Luck: That’d be nice

167: Fate: In a way

166: Yourself: Sometimes

165: Aliens: Absolutely

164: Heaven: Um

163: Hell: Who knows

162: God: I used to

161: Horoscopes: Not really

160: Soul mates: Yeah

159: Ghosts: Yes

158: Gay Marriage: Duhh

157: War: I guess it depends, generally no

156: Orbs: Anythings possible

155: magic: Nah

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses: Both

153: Drunk or High: Lol

152: Phone or Online: Phone

151: Red heads or Black haired: Doesn’t matter

150: Blondes or Brunettes: ^

149: Hot or cold: Cold

148: Summer or winter: Summer

147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn

146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla

145: Night or Day: Id like to say night but I’m usually more prone to depression and missing my ex at night, so probably day

144: Oranges or Apples: Apples

143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly

142: McDonalds or Burger King: Neither

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Whiteee

140: Mac or PC: Mac

139: Flip flops or high heals: Flip flops be easier

138: Ugly and rich OR Sexy and poor: Whichever option leads to me not being screwed over, but I’m not picky

137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke

136: Hillary or Obama: Obama

135: Burried or cremated: I don’t know

134: Singing or Dancing: Singing terribly while driving home from work at 3am

133: Coach or Chanel: Idgaf

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: See above

131: Small town or Big city: I like the vibe of both but I’ve always wanted to live in a big city

130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler

128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure but I desperately need a manicure

127: East Coast or West Coast: East, although West Coast would be cool too

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: No opinion

125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers

124: Disney or Six Flags: I’ve only ever been to Disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox: Red Sox I guess

[ Here's What I Think About ]

122: War: No strong opinion

121: George Bush: 9/11

120: Gay Marriage: Well I’m bi so clearly against lol

119: The presidential election: Trump sux

118: Abortion: My body my choice

117: MySpace: That’s how my dad met my step mom

116: Reality TV: Stupid but fun to watch

115: Parents: They screwed me up

114: Back stabbers: See ya

113: Ebay: I used to buy my cosplays on there

112: Sex: Not sure where I stand with that for myself

111: Work: Used to be a chore, but it’s better now. I like working

110: My Neighbors: Loterally no opinion at all

109: Gas Prices: RIP wallet

108: Designer Clothes: Would be cool if I could afford them lol

107: College: Expensive

106: Sports: Not a sports gal

105: My family: My sister is great

104: The future: Horrifying

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: Sort of recently but I don’t remember who

102: Last time you ate: Like an hour ago

101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: It’s been a while

100: Cried in front of someone: I’m sure I have recently but not sure when

99: Went to a movie theater: Almost everyday

98: Took a vacation: I went to Chicago randomly a couple weeks ago

97: Swam in a pool: Now that I think about it it for a while

96: Changed a diaper: Never

95: Got my nails done: Too long ago

94: Went to a wedding: A couple of years ago

93: Broke a bone: I broke my toe last year

92: Got a peircing: Ears was the first and last

91: Broke the law: Ughhh is a cop asking me this lol

90: Texted: My sister was the last person I texted

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most: Friends

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: I already left, I miss my sister but that’s it

87: The last movie I saw: In theaters? Probably Endgame

86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: Nothing specific but in general getting my shit together

85: The thing im not looking forward to: All the work that comes with getting my shit together

84: People call me: Dani

83: The most difficult thing to do is: Staying vegan

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: No

81: My zodiac sign is: Scorpio

80: The first person i talked to today was: My coworker

79: First time you had a crush: on 2nd or 3rd grade to a boy named Tyler

78: The one person who i can't hide things from: Sometimes I feel like the only person I can ever be completely honest with is myself

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Me and my sister both said the exact same thing today

76: Right now I am talking to: Nobody

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Hopefully have everything under control, travel, be content on being with myself alone rather than relying on other people to make me happy

74: I have/will get a job: I’m a manager at MJR right now, not sure where I’m going from here

73: Tomorrow: I’m waking up early to go jogging then hopefully getting out and doing something later

72: Today: Go to sleep

71: Next Summer: Nothing planned

70: Next Weekend: Most likely work

69: I have these pets: None

68: The worst sound in the world: Nails scratching paper, also the worst feeling

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Myself

66: People that make you happy: Friends & Sister

65: Last time I cried: It’s been a second, at least a week ago

64: My friends are: Fun

63: My computer is: Broken

62: My School: Hard to bring myself to go to

61: My Car: dirty right now

60: I lose all respect for people who: Constantly change their story and go back on their word

59: The movie I cried at was: Endgame

58: Your hair color is: Brown & blonde

57: TV shows you watch: The Office, Lucifer, Shameless

56: Favorite web site: YouTube I guess

55: Your dream vacation: Bora Bora

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: Breakups. Physically probably period cramps

53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t eat meat anymore, but medium rare when I did

52: My room is: Pretty cluttered

51: My favorite celebrity is: Brendon Urie

50: Where would you like to be: On vacation

49: Do you want children: Nope

48: Ever been in love: Once

46: More guy friends or girl friends: Girl

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Feeling motivated

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: I’m comfortable being alone right now

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I barely have my week planned

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: No

41: Have you pre-named your children: Maybe my future PETS lol

40: Last person I got mad at: Not mad, just annoyed

39: I would like to move to: Seattle

38: I wish I was a professional: Idk

[ My Favorites ]

37: Candy: Used to be Almond Joys

36: Vehicle: Tesla

35: President: Idk

34: State visited: Illinois (mostly for Chicago)

33: Cellphone provider: TMobile

32: Athlete: None

31: Actor: Chris Evans I guess

30: Actress: None

29: Singer: The Weeknd or Joji

28: Band: The Neighborhood

27: Clothing store: ZAFUL

26: Grocery store: Kroger

25: TV show: The Office or Hannibal

24: Movie: Captain America Winter Soldier

23: Website: YouTube

22: Animal: Sloth

21: Theme park: I’ve only been to Seaworld and Disney, so Disney I suppose

20: Holiday: Halloween

19: Sport to watch: Maybe I wouldn’t mind seeing a baseball game but not on TV

18: Sport to play: None

17: Magazine: No

16: Book: Idk

15: Day of the week: Friday

14: Beach: Never been to one so frequently that I have a favorite

13: Concert attended: Joji

12: Thing to cook: Stir fry

11: Food: Also stir fry

10: Restaurant: Townhouse

9: Radio station: 95.5

8: Yankee candle scent: Vanilla

7: Perfume: Don’t have a specific favorite

6: Flower: Sunflower

5: Color: Yellow

4: Talk show host: Idk

3: Comedian: None

2: Dog breed: German Shepherd

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yeah

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i am sad today. i dont want to be sad and i dont like sadness but im aware that being sad is part of the process and not being sad at all would be unhealthy so i’m trying to be an appropriate amount of sad. i have a lingering stress headache and i cant seem to smoke enough (could be correlated lbr) but im still not dieing (except from the heat, which is pretty unbareable.) 

i want to talk to somebody about it but i cant and when i do they have their own totally made up judgements that have nothing to do with the evidence of the time we personally spent together.

and im not like trying ot hold up my life for him - i did what i could today which may not have been “enough” but i ate and cleaned and did a bit of work on my projects. im sad its not more. overall.

today i am having glimpses of what i wanted and some subconcious answers are coming to the surface after asking questions i didnt have the answers to right away. is he thinking of me? if he is - is it just the same? is it just stuck in his own world of whats right an wrong to him right now? or is it anything else? 

i love him because he has the same kind of ideas and values and morals that i have, some of which i dont have the capacity to live right now. not that i want a hundred wives and husbands. and i dont know if we mesh on his version of polamory and i dont know if i mesh with the real version.

but our views on society and how things make us feel are similar. in some ways i feel like hes alone in the world s much as i am despite the people he has. but maybe im projecting. he acts out the feelings i have many times, when i dont have the energy or security to do it. we enjoy the same kind of foods, alot of the same kind of music, movies, a desire for knowledge, an open mind, a sense of adventure, going with the flow. im known for kind of just thinking of something and making it hapen and he tries. 

i wanted a life together with this. i guess maybe in the future if i met someone else that was like this maybe i’d want them too? and like i feel like maybe in some ways - in some, i dont know. its all so complicated. but my history - “i can see myself with anyone - female or male, in a non sexual relationship forever.” i feel like this is an unusual way that isnt necessarily common but perhaps one scenario it could work in some way? i’m just trying to get one. just one. i’m not concerned with other ones and i think my way of seeing it is way deeper because it wouldnt be like a super active thing i would do. like i wouldnt seek people out to add to my life and fit in this idea i have. i would just live and if i happened on someone maybe it would work. but just one would be totally fine with me and i cant even find just one. 

what would i have done with him? in my dream life scenario where do we end p, what am i doing and why is it different? i just.. i think maybe this is another similarity where i have this really stubborn belief that i never had to fulfill an entire investment because he never did but he uses it as one of the reasons it doesnt work. but like i’m taking on this huge obligation in my dream to change my daily life that i’ve never actually been capable of doing before even when i was being given what i wanted. and with my shitty ex my excuse was that i didnt want to come back to live with his behavior. which is not a great excuse at all for not getting a job. its not. 

but i guess in my dreams i overcome all my bullshit for him and we set off packed up and maybe i’d have sacrificed my cats and eased my worries and concerns a bit and let go of my past. we’d have a great adventure across the country, deepening our relationship before settling into this new life. id embrace the change and find some menial job to make him proud and contribute to our unit. id support him and love him and care for him as we worked towards his goal of his own land / farm where we’d work to live off the land and have a more simple life. 

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. i guess its like really fantasy land ideas i had here. especially when its him in my dream. i’m upset that i know that these days apart doesnt add to positivity and will only make it hard and akward on the goodbye, changing nothing. the more time goes by with zero communication what so ever the more i feel like maybe it’s just entirely over and i guess lucky for him i have no desire like i usually do to attempt to salvage anything because hes ultimately leaving. why try and salvage a relationship thats not going to exist anyways no matter what you say or do 48 hours before the ultimate decision? 

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. 

i feel the way i do though because i realized what i might want in life and it was like almost there and i could have maybe had it if i were a different person and wanted even more different things and i’m sad about it. kind of like how i bring up my ex asking me to marry him. to me that was like we were already engaged. it proved that someone was willing to spend their life with me and although i didnt take it sometimes i think like fuck i was so close. if only i just did this and this and let this go and bent for this i couldve had what ive wanted. 

i hate my investment being trivialized like when he says maybe if i had more in life id not want to spend as much time with him. but my investment was him and i guess alot of it was proving that i had what it takes to succeed in certain areas of life but i failed in others. but then - i was constantly proving myself which in itself makes for a bit of a fake relationship and unbalanced because according to him i was never actually worthy because i dont want his craziness. and i guess hes right. 

i hate that hes not thinking about me and what we couldve had. i congratulate myself for not reminding him. next level in maturity for me. our life couldve been stable and cute and simple. selfish and selfless. the characters we couldve become, the partnership that would be infamous. i’m so angry that i cant have that. i’d grow flowers on our farm and be an independent local floral designer, planning wedding and craft fairs, participating in farmers markets with the food we grew while he took odd carpentry jobs. and id take that whatever job when i landed, you know? becuse i’d want this and i’d know that i can finally have it if i just put in a bit of work for it and im surrounded by people i love. 

its like .. he wont rent an apartment here because its a “waste”. he doesnt want to “live here”. so why would i put in peripherial work when this isnt where i want tobe and it doesnt get me to where i want to go? 

but maybe its me. maybe its not. i think ive grown. when i was younger i wanted this punk shack with my ex. i could really picture it in my mind - we would have this open concept kitchen lined with beer and liquor bottles from all our awesome parties where people played guitar and sang all night and it would be messy but cute and we’d struggle but it’d be like part of the “game” of “surviving” and it wouldnt be a big deal and it’d be more like we’d just embrace it.

that of course never happened. we never had a party. not once. he sat playing video games on a thrift store couch while i made food and did chores and he went to work and i guess i just laid around and acted like i was doing something. 

maybe its all for the best.

im sad hes not thinking about me. im sad he doesnt believe in even a piece of my dream. im sad i have to start over.