#i have been working on this single mat cut for over two fucking hours. Insane

[oflgtfol]

NVM I JUST FOUND A MIRACULOUS EXTRA FULL SHEET IN THE SCRAP MAT AREA. OMG

[amjustagirl]

Chapters: one. ~ two. ~ three. ~ four. ~ five. ~ six. ~ seven. ~ eight.

Wordcount: 2k

Summary: Being with Miya Atsumu is like chasing a storm - equal parts exhilaration and danger. After all, it’s impossible to tame a storm

Masterlist here 

AO3 link here

Author’s Note: And we’re at the penultimate chapter! Am rly excited to hear what you guys think - so please, drop me an ask, a note, a comment, anything!!! Thank you for following this fic with me <3

He stays away from her over the next two weeks. He still picks Shino up from childcare - he’s never leaving his little girl again - but takes Osamu’s advice to duck into the kitchen the minute he hears the bell chime to mark her entrance into the shop. 

‘Is everything alright with Atsumu?’ he hears her ask Osamu after a week of radio silence from him. 

He imagines Osamu just shrugs, because his twin later gives him a look of askance that he ignores. 

‘Meet me on Sunday afternoon? Was hoping to have a quick chat and pass something over to you since my arm is out of its sling.Osamu agreed to take Shino for a couple of hours, so don’t worry about her’, he texts her. 

‘Fine’, she texts back. ‘Works for me’. 

‘Hey’, he greets her as she opens the door, fighting the impulse to scruff his shoes into the ground like a nervous schoolboy on his first date. 

‘Hey yourself’, she responds without heat, slipping on her shoes. ‘Shall we?’ 

He nods, turning on his heel and she follows suit, their footfalls matching in pace, though they angle their bodies to avoid each other’s gaze in the lift. They do not exchange a single word until they reach the car park, and he leads her past all the cars to a dim corner, lit by a single flickering electric bulb.  

‘Atsumu - what’s this?’ she says, staring uncomprehendingly at the motorbike parked in front of her, the exact replica of the bike she sold when she got pregnant with Shino, albeit updated with a shining coat of new paint and the latest modifications, top of the line. 

‘Surprise?’ he tells her, unable to hide a grin when she runs a hand reverently over the seat of the bike. 

‘I can’t accept this, ‘Tsumu. It’s too much’, she demurs but he knows she’s fallen in love when she’s unable to tear her eyes away from the bike.

‘Sure ya can! I registered it under yer name, and paid for the parking fees for the year, and look! It even comes with a helmet!’, he assures her, crossing his fingers behind his back. ‘Ya can ride it whenever ya have time to yerself - I’ll make sure I or ‘Samu will take Shino-chan for a couple hours every weekend so ya can go break some speed limits on the bike!’ 

‘This isn’t a bribe, right? Or some attempt to trick me into agreeing into something I don’t want to do?’ she asks him suspiciously. 

‘No - no tricks, I swear on my life. Look - I’ve signed the divorce papers, they’re in my bag. I just wanted to give ya the bike as a partin' gift’, he says, keeping his voice deliberately light. 

She stares at him, searching his face for any sign of duplicity, but he holds her gaze until she turns away, satisfied. 

‘You never do anything by halves, do you ‘Tsumu? But thank you anyway’, she laughs breathily and his heart lurches to a start when he sees her slowly start to glow whilst fussing over the bike, exclaiming to herself as she admires the paint job and the extra compartments he’d gotten the mechanic to install. 

Watching her brings back memories of their adventures together before Shino came along. She’d pick him up for a ride to the outskirts of Osaka on their rare days off, in search for a spot to lay their picnic mat down and shoot the breeze. They’d never found that perfect picnic spot, but that just meant that there were more places to explore, more roads to traverse, more adventures for them to go on. That’d all stopped once Shino came along, and he wonders if they wouldn’t be in such a state if he’d put in more effort to carve out more time for them.   

And even before that - there was the time she’d surprised him by turning up in Kobe for one of his matches, sweeping him away from his confused teammates right after the match to celebrate over egg mayo sandwiches at 7-11. He suspects that was the day he’d fallen in love with her, half realising that she was probably the only person crazy enough to burn hours on the road on the back her rusty old bike right after an exam, just to stay up all night sitting cross-legged in a dim combini with mayo in her hair, listening to him ramble about his volleyball match. 

Wow. 'Samu's right. Even the reason he fell in love with her was fucking selfish. 

‘Hey ‘Tsumu’, he hears her say after a while and he looks up. ‘Wanna go for a ride?’ she asks brightly, twirling the keys around her finger. 

‘Huh?’ he responds, genuinely perplexed. 

‘A ride, you idiot. Don’t you want to find out how the bike feels on the road, especially since you’re the one who paid for it?’ 

‘Sure’, he says, a little lost - but then again she’s always found ways to keep him on his toes. ‘But there’s only one helmet’. 

‘I still have my old one upstairs. Give me a second so I can get it!’ she rushes off, a spring in her step he’s sorely missed seeing and despite the ache in his heart, he smiles. 

His smile vanishes the moment she kicks the bike full throttle and hurtles through weekend Osaka traffic at breakneck speed, making such sharp turns he almost falls off the bike if he weren’t already clutching her waist for dear life. ‘Oi! Look out!’ he yelps, as she weaves her way through narrow gaps between cars, seemingly deaf to the horns of outraged drivers behind her - and fuck he wants to puke but can’t because there’s no way that doesn’t end badly for him. 

‘Slow down, you fuckin' maniac’, he manages to shout when his stomach gives itself up for dead, but the wind swallows his words and she only whoops in response. The neon city lights blur into a mess of colours and he runs through his repertoire of curse words. He swears she’s evil - it’s not enough that she’s killed him once by divorcing him, her insane riding is going to make sure he’s doubly dead.

They burst onto the highway in a squeal of tires, the city skyline fading into a sea of lights, and they’re both so focused on the road ahead of them, well – she is, at least, he’s trying his level best to stay on his seat - that neither of them notice the dark clouds gathering above until the first splatter of raindrops on the road. 

The sky is threatening enough to make her swerve off the highway into a quiet neighbourhood, screeching to a halt at the nearest park with an empty shelter large enough to fit both of them. They jump off the bike, helmets dangling over their arm, and she catches hold of his hand as they splash their way through muddy puddles in a bid to escape the incoming storm. 

‘That was amazing!’ she laughs when they reach shelter, twirling on the tips of her feet, cheeks flushed pink with excitement, looking so happy and bright and alive -  like a bird spreading its wings to fly high in the sky, the way she used to be before their marriage broke her wings and shackled her to the ground. 

If only he hadn’t been blinded by the false allure of his dreams to appreciate what was right in front of him - a woman bold enough to whisk him away from the clutches of deranged fans on the back of a motorbike, fierce enough for Osamu to assign her to deal with his bullshit - and most of all, crazy enough to marry and have a child with him. And he knows she isn’t his, not anymore, but he's a greedy, selfish man, and he wants her one last time, so he throws his jacket over her shoulders as a pretext for drawing her close to him, slanting his mouth gently over hers. 

She stills for a second, and he’s about to pull away when she melts into him, tilting her chin up to grant him greater access to her lips. An unexpected heat coils in his stomach when she tangles her fingers in his hair, scraping her nails against his scalp, a thrill running down his spine as he loses himself in her familiar softness and warmth and groans.

She gasps, jerking away from him, tracing her bruised lips with her fingers, looking up at him with wide eyes.

‘Tsumu’, she begins to say, but he cuts her off, frantic with worry that he’s scared her off before he’s had the chance to say his piece. 

‘I’m sorry - I know I shouldn’t have but I just...can I just say what I meant to say to ya before this?’ he asks, banking on the fact that she hasn’t slapped him yet, and to his relief, she nods. 

‘I’ve thought about what ya said, and yer right -  I’ve taken so much from ya I don’t deserve to ask ya for anything else, not when I should be the one making it up to ya for the rest of my life,’ he says, his heart cracking beneath his ribs (so it’s true, a heart can actually break) – because he knows now she’s lost to him, has been the second he'd forsaken his vows and stormed out of her life, but he gulps a breath to calm his pulse, forcing himself to continue on. 

‘All I want is for ya to be happy and free - and if signing these papers is the price I have to pay, I’ll do it for ya’. Then he draws the brown envelope from his bag, holding it out to her with shaking hands. 

She makes no move to take it from him. 

‘Do you even love me, ‘Tsumu?’ she asks, her voice feather light, a wisp in the wind. ‘Be honest with me, you don’t have to lie’.

There’s a searing pain in his chest and he closes his eyes, losing himself to the undercurrent of regret pulsing in his mind. 

‘I do’, he manages to choke out, peeling aside the rotting layers of vanity and greed and selfishness and pride to flay his chest open to present his heart to her, in all its bleeding, broken glory. 

‘Yer everythin’ I could’ve ever asked for, and it’s killin’ me to watch you walk away - but I deserve it cos I’m a fuckin’ idiot for not realisin’ that sooner, and ya have no idea how fuckin’ sorry I am for hurting ya so badly and making you think that I don’t love ya - because I do, gods, I do, I love ya so goddamned much.’

‘Does our marriage mean that much to you?’ she stares at him, her eyes clouded with an emotion he can’t make out. 

‘Yes’, he says simply, his response both a confession and a prayer. He makes no move to touch her, fearful that any misstep might tip them both over the edge, the storm of emotions swirling within him already threatening to swallow him whole. 

‘Then ask me again, ‘Tsumu’ she whispers, her fists clenched, trembling by her side.    

He blinks at her, but his confusion morphs into elated disbelief when she takes the brown envelope from him and rips it cleanly in half. 

Oh. 

‘Ask me again, ‘Tsumu’, she repeats, the clouds in her eyes clearing into pools of light. He wonders if it mirrors the rush of warmth and love and most of all - hope, overflowing in his heart. 

‘Wanna try jumping off a cliff again?’ he asks, voice shaking, echoing the request he made of her years ago.

She steps forward into his waiting arms, her smile like golden sunlight spilling through grey rain.  

‘Only if you promise to jump with me’, she says softly against his chest. 

He catches her forgiveness desperately in his hands, and seals his promise with his lips. 

[datninjalyfe]

Stay, Part 1: Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Punishment

Most of the ride back to U.A. was All Might talking about how he can’t believe one of his own students, one of the best, could sneak past the gates and find his way into a nightclub. It was like almost as awkward as having the sex talk with his father. The thought of it made him shiver. Still, if he was in the newspaper like his mom told him he was, All Might would likely find out anyway why he snuck out anyway. He told All Might he was there to see a girl and All Might chuckled.

“No girl is worth it.” All Might said. “Trust me.”

“Also, it was for—,” Katsuki was unable to find the right words. He stumbled until he just said, “—research.”

All Might was quiet for a moment and then cleared his throat. “Now you’re starting to sound like Midoriya.”

“I wish people would stop saying his name.” Katsuki admitted. “I wish he would just go away. This is his fault!”

All Might looked at him. “His fault?”

Katsuki didn’t want to talk about it. He’d said enough. Why was he being so self-destructive? It didn’t make sense. Was he gay? Or bi? He liked having sex with Camie last night, but it didn’t mean anything. It was just a fuck, empty and irrelevant. That was confirmed by the kiss. For a moment, he wondered what it would be like to kiss Izuku. His soft lips reaching for his.  Stop! His mind yelled.

“I think you and Midoriya need to have a nice sit down and chat.”

Katsuki rolled his eyes. “I’m not sitting down in the same room with him.”

“You two used to be close. Proper rivals even. That’s what you both said after your fight last year. Now you won’t even be in the same room as him? What’s changed?”

“Everything’s changed and I just don’t know how to handle it in the way that people want me to. I have all this pressure already on me, but it’s like I don’t know how to do or say exactly what’s going on when he’s around. So, I snuck out and had meaningless sex with a girl I’d met maybe four times before that to see if I could even distract myself and it worked until I got myself arrested.”

Those words reminded him of the other two conversations: Yoyo saying, “It’s just love, regardless of who it is or what it stands for…It’s easier to be yourself than try and pretend to someone else.” and Aizawa saying, “Being different doesn’t give you the right to be mean to people.”

Those two images flashed through his brain as All Might continued, “I managed to talk everyone into letting you stay, but there will be consequences. In addition to the three days of house arrest Aizawa gave you, you’ll have another four weeks added to that. You’ll not be allowed to leave and when you enter the school, they’ll give you an ankle bracelet so they can track your movements. You’ll also have to train 3 times harder than everyone else with 100lbs of weight added to you. If your classmates run the mile, you run 3. You’ll also be given more school work until the teachers deem you can be a good, model student. I’m not here to tell you what to do, but if you pull another stunt like that, you can kiss being a pro hero good-bye. Just focus on what’s really important.”

On what’s really important. Katsuki repeated in his mind. The last image flashed through his head, but the image wasn’t of being a Pro Hero, or the insane of extra work he had—

—the image was of Deku.

“We’re here!” All Might said, trying to make it sound like he used to. “And oh, looks like Aizawa has your class lined up.”

Katsuki got out of the car and saw 4 rows of his classmates bowing low before Aizawa, who’s hair was straight up. They were all panting, as if they’d just got punished too. “Oh good,” Aizawa said, turning around. Katsuki felt the heat from his chest leave him almost instantly. He couldn’t produce an ounce of sweat, but felt a cold chill run down his spine as Aizawa said, “You’re here.” He used his scarf and snatched Katsuki roughly, the binds almost cutting off the circulation in the air. He pulled Katsuki in so close, Katsuki swore he could feel Aizawa's anger. “Did All Might explain to you everything that will happen?” Aizawa held up an ankle bracelet. “You’ll go straight into the dorms where you’ll find weights you are to attach to your wrists during training after your house arrest. If I so much as hear that you’ve been thinking of leaving campus, your ass is grass. Do you understand everything I’m saying? Because clearly you didn’t get the memo last time.” Aizawa was fuming. “Oh, and I’m your homeroom teacher again.”

“You are?”

“I’m the only one who can deal with the dipshits like you and the ones who left to go find you—,” Aizawa held out his hand. “The front row of students decided to take it upon themselves to go get you after finding out you’d left the dorms. They’ll be suspended as well and not allowed to go to the dance.” Katsuki looked at the front row. Everyone was still bowing before Aizawa. It was the usual suspects: Kirishima, Todoroki—

—and Izuku.

“They came to find me?”

“Not sure how they would have found you, considering you went all the way to the Cloud City.” Aizawa said, his hair falling. Katsuki released a breath when he felt the warmth return to him.

The three of them looked ragged like they ran into villains, until he looked at Izuku’s ankle and attached was like the ankle bracelet that Katsuki also held in his hand. He was wearing a tank top too, like Katsuki was, and Katsuki could see the outline of his triceps. The sun started to rise, giving the sky a red tint. It made the green of Izuku’s eyes stand out even more. Deku’s green hair looked darker in the rise of morning, tangled and matted together.

“They tried to climb the back gate and probably would have managed to make it over until they met up with some of my colleagues and other members of faculty. Stupidly, like you, they decided to fight.”

Aizawa walked over to Kirishima and bent down to peer at him in the eyes, but Kirishima kept his gaze low, his body still bowing low. “They will receive the same punishment as you.” Aizawa raised his voice. “Until all of you learn your lesson. Is. That. Clear?!”

“Yes, sir!” They all shouted at once.

“Good, now, get out of my sight.” Aizawa said, walking away. They all moved from their position and stared at Katsuki. Most of the students when inside, but didn’t take their eyes off him until they got through the door.

Izuku was the first to move towards him, but stopped in his tracks when Todoroki gestured to Kirishima, whose shoulders moved up and down and the two of them went to go comfort him. Katsuki also started to move towards him, but the look Todoroki gave Katsuki blocked him. “Haven’t you done enough?”

“The fuck does that mean—?”

But that sentence was cut off when Katsuki saw Izuku. Katsuki definitely contemplated hitting Todoroki, but thought the better of it. Every single fucking one of them was clearly upset, but Kirishima was the one who spoke, “Dude, you went to a nightclub? To see—,” Kirishima turned his head so Katsuki couldn’t see him crying, but it was obvious he was. He sniffled loudly. “You knew how I felt about her. I literally can’t stop thinking about her,” Katsuki 100 percent understood how Kirishima felt. Not about Camie, but about Izuku, who stood less than 5 feet away from him. But he couldn’t just ignore Kirishima.

“Wait, this is about Camie?” Katsuki said. He looked at his shoes. It was Kirishima who had originally reintroduced the two, even if it was unintentional.

“Even just the way she talked to you. I would have killed someone to have her even look at me for more than 2 seconds. And last year, when you told me you got her number, I thought that this could be my chance to go ahead and just ask her out. But you two went to a nightclub and The Rage at that?” Kirishima wiped his face with his sleeve. He was also wearing an ankle bracelet. “I know what they do there, dude. Everyone in fucking Japan knows—,”

“Do you want me to apologize?” Katsuki snapped. His face reddened with anger and he tried to suppress his quirk. He closed his eyes, trying not to look at Kirishima’s face. He tried to be so manly all the time and Katsuki knew how hard it must’ve been for him to cry. They shouldn’t have come after me.

“You shouldn’t have left in the first place.” Kirishima yelled back, almost in response to Katsuki’s thought. “You’re out of control. We have all tried talking to you about what’s going on, but it’s getting to be too much to handle.”

Katsuki could hear his heart beating hard against his chest. He inhaled deeply and told the few that were still around to hear it, “Fine, you want me to apologize? I was angry and upset about the fight with Todoroki earlier. I feel left out of everyone’s business and—,” he opened his eyes and looked at Izuku. “—we’re all supposed to friends, but I’m no good at that. And Camie texted me at a bad time and I just wanted to leave for a few hours.”

“Kacchan.” the little flute said. Katsuki opened his eyes and peered up, looking into Izuku’s bright green eyes.

“It’ll take more than that to gain our trust back.” Todoroki said, shuffling back inside. The last three in the front yard was Kirishima, Katsuki and Izuku.

“I just…I’m sorry.” Kirishima said. “But Todoroki’s right, it’ll take more than that to get us to trust you again.” Kirishima smiled a bit, showing off his razor sharp teeth. “But it’s for sure a fucking good start.”

Izuku was the first to speak after a moment of silence, “Maybe we should head inside now.”

“Not yet. I have to talk to you.” Katsuki said to Izuku. “Alone. It’ll only take a second.” Kirishima smirked and patted Katsuki on the shoulder before heading inside. He and Izuku stood there, looking at each other. “You saw me leave, didn’t you, nerd?”

Izuku blushed. “It was actually Todoroki who saw you. Kacchan, we all thought—,” he stopped himself.

“Thought what?” Katsuki asked.

Izuku inhaled deeply and shook his head. “Kacchan, I’ve known you for so long. You’re really kind of arrogant and really stubborn when it comes to getting your way—,”

“Wow, what an explanation—,” Katsuki started, but Izuku yelled at him.

“I’m not fucking done, Kacchan.” Katsuki closed his mouth and gestured for Izuku to continue. “You’re stubborn. You’ve always been so confident, knowing exactly what you want and not letting anyone get in your way. But lately, it just seems like you’ve just lost it. We all, every one of us, have tried to talk to you, but you just won’t. And it’s different than before. It’s like the old you isn’t there anymore.” He paused before saying, “We thought you wanted to kill yourself. So, we went after you, but were stopped and it turned ugly. But then we explained what was going on, but by then it was kind of too late. You’d been arrested. People were posting up pictures and tagging all of us. The one of you at the nightclub and when Kirishima saw that the girl from the licensing exam was there, he shut down. We were so worried about you.” Another pause before he said, “I was really worried about you.”

Katsuki wanted to open his mouth to tell Izuku. To tell him how much he actually meant to him. That he didn’t and never deserved him. He wanted nothing more than to run up and kiss him all over his body. His heart pounded loudly in his chest. “Deku, I have to tell you something.” Izuku’s eyebrows shot up, indicating to Katsuki he was listening. Katsuki opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He didn’t know where to start or even how to begin to describe how he was feeling or why he was self-destructing. He just wanted Izuku to love him too. Say it, coward! “I can’t!”

Izuku became confused. “You can’t what?”

“Fuck.” Katsuki cursed. He covered his face with his hands for a moment, trying to wipe away all the disgrace that he felt. “Deku, I just—,” He looked around. They were still outside and the night was getting cold. Katsuki could see Izuku’s nipples poking through his tank top. He thought for a moment about his fantasy of Izuku licking his fingers and playing with them. Katsuki’s hands almost ignited instantly, but he grabbed his own arms stopping his quirk from getting out of hand, so to speak. He leaned forward, towards Izuku, whispering, “Not here.” he whispered and started walking inside. “You coming, nerd?”

Izuku followed him inside. The few people who were still awake and in the common area not saying a word to either of them as they both got onto the elevator. They said nothing and the light, sort of upbeat elevator music broke the silence between them. They got off on Katsuki’s floor and before Izuku could say no, Katsuki told him, “Come with me.” He walked down the hall and stopped at his door. He took a deep breath and unlocked it, inviting Izuku inside.

It was dark in the room, but the sunrise lit up from underneath the curtains. “You should probably put that on.” Izuku said. Put something on? Katsuki looked at what Izuku gestured too and it was the ankle bracelet. He picked it up and held it for a moment before Izuku said, “It’s kind of tricky, let me help.” Out of muscle memory, Katsuki took a step back, but then stopped himself. He held it out for Izuku to take and Izuku got on one knee and wrapped it around Katsuki’s ankle. Katsuki wanted to reach out, tangle his hair in his hands. He felt his dick start to get hard just thinking about the two of them being in the same room together. Izuku fumbled with it for about a minute before it made a click sound. “There.” he said, jumping back up. “Now you’re stuck with us!”

“Stuck with you.” Katsuki told him and Izuku giggled. Katsuki smiled too at the sound of Izuku’s laugh.

“You said you wanted to tell me something.” Izuku said, biting his lower lip. Katsuki gestured for him to sit on the bed and when he did, Katsuki sat down next to him.

Once again, silence filled the room. Occasionally, Katsuki would try to say something, but his mouth would close shut again. The two of them sat there calmly. Something felt so right about having Izuku in the room with him. A few times, he told himself to just kiss him, but thought the better of it after the events of today.

“Deku, there’s something you need to know,” Katsuki said, trying to look away from him, but Izuku’s eyes glowed in the dark. He made a sort of mhm sound. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Hot tears from the heat of his quirk filled the back of Katsuki’s eyes. Izuku reached out and touched Katsuki’s shoulder. The look on Izuku’s face wasn’t anger or frustration, but gentle with a subtle smile. They sat like that for a good minute before Izuku pulled on the tank top and Katsuki leaned forward. He wanted to lean forward to kiss him, to have their lips brush each other’s in a warm embrace. But after the evens of today, he thought the better of it. He put his head in the crook of Izuku’s neck deciding it would be better to wait until he was in the right head space. Izuku didn’t quite smell as nice as he did before—he smelled like musk and dirt, and a whole lot of outside, but Katsuki kind of liked it. They sat like that for a little while longer, and as the sun crept in beneath the curtains, Katsuki closed his eyes, not realizing how tired he was after today. Upon seeing that, Izuku laid down and Katsuki placed his head on his chest. Izuku winced a little in pain and Katsuki looked at all the scratches Izuku had on his arms for the first time. He couldn’t imagine how they must’ve felt, thinking that Katsuki would just end it all. For a moment, he pictured what it would be like to not have Izuku around, but he grabbed Izuku tighter at the thought. Izuku held him, lightly running his fingers through Katsuki’s hair, Katsuki trying to mimic the rise and fall of Izuku’s breathing. He placed an arm around Izuku’s abdomen and closely listened to rhythmic sound of his heart beating. They laid there, just holding each other until Katsuki finally opened his mouth and whispered, “Deku…”

But Izuku shook his head. “Go to sleep, Kacchan.”

At that, Katsuki drifted into a deep sleep.

(previous)(next)

[writingismyhappytime]

Dauntless: Daddy Dearest (Part 9)

Eric x OC

Warnings: Language, Violence, Angst, Smut

"There we go," I grunted, setting Kai's carrier on top of the counter as I entered the daycare. "He's all yours for the day."

"Alright." Trevor reached for Kai, who now had the art of spit bubbles down pat. I reached forward, popping it for him and making him scrunch his nose. I chuckled; I wondered if I did those as a kid.

Considering I was in a different faction, I hadn't seen my old family in a decade almost. I didn't miss them, I didn't miss leaving Erudite at all. Did they know I had a kid now, my own family? Did they realize they were grandparents?

Honestly, did it even matter?

I doubted I would recognize them now anyway.

~~~~~~

Camille was ignoring me.

Flat out, cold shoulder, pretending I didn't exist type of ignoring me. She used to do this a lot in the beginning of our relationship, especially when she was trying to pretend that we weren't doing anything in our off hours.

Which we were.

A lot.

I frowned at her across the training area, crossing my arms along my chest. She was barking something at one of the female initiates, something about how lousy their form was, before forcibly straightening them; she wasn't acting any different with these kids now that she had her own, she was still just as harsh --- her mothering instincts made no difference in her job.

I had to be proud of her there, she was an excellent soldier.

"Keep your head up, don't look at your feet when someone is approaching you," I snapped at the boy in front of me on the mats, sparring with someone else. "You face them head on, don't cower. Raise your arms!"

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose at such idiocy; how did these kids expect to get in this faction when they knew nothing of fighting? I supposed, considering it was only the second day, I shouldn't be so judgemental, but I'd only gotten two hours of sleep last night thanks to Camille aggravating Kai.

The bitch.

I had no idea what her sudden problem was, why she suddenly wanted to know if I was dumb enough to have a second kid --- obviously not right now, one was more then enough!

My eyes caught on one of the new transfers, the candor who had been brazen enough to make a smart comment about Camille. I narrowed my eyes at him where he stood across the blue mat, talking to one of the former Erudites.

Heh.

I cracked my knuckles thoughtfully, shifting restlessly. I hadn't had a good fight in a month now, even dealing with those factionless hadn't been enough to settle me down.

I was getting frustrated, with Camille, with not having sex and not getting any sleep --- I would never have tolerated this from anyone else.

I cut my eyes across the room, seeing her demonstrating a move, how quick and easy her movements were. She knew how to fight, she had scars from using those very same moves --- Camille was excellent.

Just a goddamn bitch.

"You," I barked, glowering at the candor, seeing him jump as I singled him out. "On the mat, now."

There was a soft murmur before the candor moved, rolling his shoulders as he stepped onto the blue mat before him. He was rather large, about a head shorter then me, dark skinned with a shaved head.

I was going to teach him a few things.

"You kids better learn this quick," I said, seeing him shift uneasily as I stepped up near him, cracking my knuckles again. "You show us trainers respect, you watch your mouth, because there's always consequences."

"Eric," Fours voice was suddenly wary, and I saw him out of the corner of my eye, stepping away from the punching bags. Nosy fucking stiff --- why'd he always have to interfere?

"I'm just gonna show them some moves," I shrugged my shoulders, grinning as I looked at the Candor. "Some of them need to learn the hard way. You all know the rules, the only way out of a fight is to go down. We don't accept begging or pleading, and if you can't handle it, I suggest you get out now."

I meant every word.

We didn't accept the weak.

~~~~~~~

"What the fuck were you thinking, beating up that transfer like that?" Camille snarled as we stepped into the apartment, setting Kai down carefully on the table. "You nearly broke his arm!"

"Teach him for being a disrespectful little bitch!" I retorted. "And so you're talking to me now?"

She glared at me, her hands going to her hips as she squared off with me. She never backed down, and I usually loved that about her --- not so much when it was against me.

"You were being an asshole and you know it! You know better!"

"Oh, so you're scolding me?" I scoffed. "You?"

"Yes. Me. There was uncalled for and you went too far! I get it, you like it when they're afraid of you, but ---."

"It had nothing to do with that. I was setting an example."

"Of what exactly!?" She demanded, her voice rising slightly. I glanced at Kai warily, but the loaf continued to snooze, worn out from his long day. I cut my eyes back to her darker ones, bristling.

If she wanted to fucking fight tonight, I'd give it to her. She could take care of Kai when he started screaming, I was done with her pitching fits and leaving me to clean up the mess!

"Not to fucking say disrespectful shit to you!" I hissed, clenching my fists. "I'm not going to let anyone think they can bad mouth you!"

"You've said worse shit to me!"

"Yeah, but that's me --- no one else can! You're my woman, we got a kid together --- no one's going to think they can say anything to you!"

"Or you'll beat them until they're black and blue? Are you really going back to that, Eric!?"

"Going back to what?" I scoffed, crossing my arms. I was three steps inside the door, I hadn't even taken my jacket off, and already we were on the verge of screaming; it's like old times all over again.

"Being a complete fucking jerk! Trying to make everyone think you're this cruel person that you're not at all!"

"I think that's exactly who I am."

"Not anymore," she said firmly, glaring at me. "You got better, especially since we had Kai." She gestured at the baby. "You can't say you're the same arrogant, egotistical person you were before we got together."

"oh, so you're thinking you changed me or something?" I seethed, narrowing my eyes at her. "I'm exactly the same as before, but with you being pregnant and then having the loaf --- it's not like I've had time to focus on anything else! Why the fuck do you think Max sent me out on that op, huh? He thinks I'm slipping! If I don't ---."

"So you're trying to prove something to Max? Beating up a new transfer is going to do that?"

"If I don't prove I'm still capable of holding my own and demanding fear, do you know what he's going to do?"

"It's not like he'll get rid of you, Eric, you're ---."

"Everyone is expendable, Camille," I snapped, abruptly tired of hearing her voice. I didn't want to be here, I wanted out, I wanted somewhere I could have some peace! Being here with her was driving me insane! "We've both done sketchy shit, and as long as we're loyal we're fine, but Max thinks I'm slipping!"

"So you think he'll do something to you?" She sounded incredulous, her hand going to Kai protectively. I never told her about what Mel told me during the op, I didn't want to scare her.

"I've done a lot more then you ever thought about, I know more shit about how Dauntless works then anyone. If I don't start getting back to before, he's gonna try something he'll regret."

"Eric ---."

"So you know what, Camille? I'm fucking trying, alright? I'm staying up with that goddamn baby, I'm trying to fucking prove to Max that he can't off me that easily, that the two of you aren't a fucking problem!" I saw Kai stir as my voice rose, but it didn't stop me from yelling at this oblivious, frigid woman! "So why don't you fucking lay off me for once!? If you hadn't gotten pregnant, none of this would even be a problem!"

"Oh, of course, always blame someone else!" She snarled, taking a threatening step towards me. "That's what you're best at doing! We talked about it, it's both our faults, not just Mine! Jesus, Eric! Why didn't you tell me ---?"

"Yes, stress out the pregnant lady," I waved her off, taking a step back. "That's what I'll do. Make her fear for the life of her newborn child.  Good plan."

"You're supposed to tell me stuff like this!"

"When? When you're screaming at me for no goddamn reason? Pitching fits that don't make sense?"

"Like you're any better!"

"I've been putting up with your erratic bullshit for almost a year! We haven't even fucked in ages!"

She inhaled sharply, her eyes flaring.

Yeah, I finally said it. I was through with this! I wanted to fuck, and if Camille would just talk to me about it instead of bursting into tears or ignoring me, we could figure all of it out!

But no!

I was trying my damnedest to be good to her and that kid, but she was driving me insane! The screaming, the bitching, I couldn't take it anymore! She had no fucking idea how much she and Kai consumed my life, how I worried about them, about Max trying something --- she didn't fucking know anything!

"I can't handle this right now," I muttered, jerking the door open.

"Eric ---."

I slammed it behind me, closing my eyes in satisfaction as Kai immediately began to scream.

Sweet revenge.

~~~~~~

I sat down at the bar, draining the bottle in front of me. I sighed, relaxing back into my chair, brooding.

It honestly felt nice to be by myself for once, to not have a baby wailing in my ear or my girlfriend screaming/crying.

The alcohol didn't even burn on its way down.

"Haven't seen you here in a while."

I glanced up, seeing white dreads before Mel sat down in front of me, smirking. She eyed me warily,  lifting her glass to her lips.

"You look pissy." She commented.

"Just my face."

"Mmm. You finally have it playing daddy?" She snorted, propping her chin on her hand. "Ready to stop pretending?"

"I'm not pretending."

"We both know better. You're only hanging around ---."

"Do you have anything better to do?" I sighed. "You jealous or something?"

"Just miss fucking you is all. Doesn't seem like you're getting any from Camille."

I rolled my eyes. Mel liked to assume, and she would use every rumor and jab she possibly could to get under my skin, didn't matter if it was true or not. I was beyond the point of letting anything she said bother me.

Mel pouted when she didn't get to me. "Saw that new transfer walking around, you really did a number on him."

"Yeah."

"You need to set examples, you've been slacking with the new generations. They won't give you the proper amount of fear if you don't bust some heads."

I just looked at her, slowly raising my bottle to my lips. I was already on my second, and it was starting to get late. Really, I didn't want to go back to the apartment, I didn't want to see Camille. I couldn't stand the thought of it.

Not right now.

She had no idea what was going on, I'd kept her in the dark. But I couldn't anymore, I was past the point of giving a fuck. I almost wished there was an op I could go on to get away from her, to put some space between us.

I'd never wanted to be away from her like this before.

I sighed, sinking a little lower in my seat. Camille would take care of Kai tonight, she's his mother and she's been doing it for this long.

I wasn't worried at all.

I finished off my bottle, raising my hand and gesturing for another one. Mel just sat across from me, nursing her own, and for a few minutes, it actually felt normal.

This is what we used to do, before Camille, before Kai. After a day and doing bullshit for Dauntless, we'd unwind at the bar, let the day go, maybe fuck if we weren't too wasted.

Oddly though, I didn't miss all of it. I wasn't miserable or bored anymore, I didn't have to go out on missions, I was always pretty much busy now. Kai was a handful in his self, much more stressful then any op.

"So you not going home tonight? That's your fourth bottle. Won't be able to make it up the bridge to the pretty apartments if you keep going," Mel said after a moment, gesturing with her drink.

Maybe I didn't want too.

I didn't say that to her, I didn't see a point. She didn't need to get involved in my personal life, not where she could get between me and Camille. That's where a lot of people go wrong.

I didn't respond, just looked at her.

"Fuck, fine, be a sour puss." She rolled her black eyes at me. "You can crash at my place, then, I got that spare room. Unless you want to share with me anyway."

"No thanks."

But a night where I could get some sleep again would be nice.

~~~~~~

Camille's livid, I could tell the moment I stepped into the training area. She stood over with Four, talking softly as the initiates finally made their way into the room; they're tired, we've been running them hard trying to get them prepped. Camille had them today for gun practice, I was only here for the morning workout.

I stretched my arms above my head, slowly approaching the mats. I'd gotten a whole nights sleep for once, one not interrupted by Camille shuffling or Kai shrieking.

I'd missed it though.

Camille sent me a horrid look across the room, one letting me know real quick I was in some deep shit tonight. She couldn't exactly be pissed at me when she was the one who started the fighting first!

Hell, I was doing my best here! I wasn't getting fucked, I was hardly getting any affection from her, she yelled at me more often then she did anything else! Excuse me for needing some peace and getting away for a little bit!

I pretended not to even see her, instead glancing around at my initiates. I wasn't in as pissy of a mood today, so I wasn't going to run them as ragged as usual. Getting some rest makes  a big difference in one's attitude.

I spied the Candor, smirking as I saw his black and blue appearance. He'd taken the beating yesterday pretty well, I was impressed. He could take a hit like a Dauntless, so he might stand a chance after all. I was curious to see how he did in marksmanship --- if he could shoot a gun, and throw a knife, I could just about overlook his snide comment about Camille when he first got here.

Just about.

"Jamison," I snapped, and the Candor immediately jumped, his head twisting to stare at me. For a moment, I think he was almost afraid, and that made me even smugger. Little bitch should be afraid. "Here, now."

The Candor cringed, and then slowly shuffled over to where I stood. I saw his friends exchange looks, and I wondered vaguely if he even knew why I'd singled him out.

Maybe I should make it obvious.

"You did well yesterday," I said after a moment, when he was close enough that he could hear. "You took your beating pretty good, just like a Dauntless should." I'm impressed he didn't bail out to be factionless.

He sent me a wary look, then nodded. "Thanks...?"

"If you do well in marksmanship and strategy, you could go up for leadership," I continued, seeing the rest of the initiates muttering to themselves, huddling at the ends of the blue mats. "Leadership is better then any other job you can get, so aim for that. As long as you learn to keep your fucking mouth shut when it comes to my girlfriend, we won't have anymore problems." My hand clamped on his shoulder, making him flinch. "Sound good?"

"Y-yes, sir. I, I didn't know she was ---."

"Well, now you do. Doesn't matter if she wasn't, though. She's your superior, you don't make comments like that towards any female, understand? It won't be tolerated, least of all by me. Got it?"

"Yes."

Good, as long as he did.

~~~~~

"So, they're doing well." Four said as he stood with Camille, both of them a few feet from me as we watch the initiates throw knives at the wooden boards across the room. "Some of them are improving fairly quickly."

"Looks like it. Although Tomsen looks ready to fall over."

"He hurt himself in the war game last night, he's sore. Still hitting the target at least."

"Mmm. What did he do?"

"Fell off the side of the Ferris Wheel, lost his grip."

"You didn't climb up after him?"

"Uh... no."

"Well, if his arm doesn't get better, he's going to fall behind." Camille said with a shrug, her voice as ruthless as usual. She's still pissed at me, she's not spoke one word to me the entire day. It's about time for us to finish and the initiates to go to dinner, which meant I would be heading to pick up Kai, and then have to go home to that apartment.

I wasn't sure I wanted too.

I didn't want to stay with Mel again, I didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea. We were friends, at least, I thought I could consider her something like that since we weren't fucking anymore. Well, she was as close to a friend as I had, anyway.

"Do you two have this?" Four asked after a second, and my eyes finally flicked over. "I have some stuff to do in intelligence, I don't have time for the rest of the day."

"Go ahead, we'll let them finish up and we'll send them to dinner." Camille said after a moment, shrugging her shoulders.

"Good."

Shit.

He was leaving me alone with her vindictive ass.

I stared straight ahead, measuring the initiates as they threw their knives. They weren't the worst group I've ever seen, but I still wasn't that impressed. In fact, it was kind of disappointing to see.

"Can we talk now?"

I glanced at Camille as she stepped to my side, tightening my crossed arms.

"We don't have anything to talk about," I muttered stubbornly, refusing to look at her. She'd pissed me off, she had no idea what I was going through right now, and she didn't fucking care! I hoped Kai screamed the entire night and she didn't get any rest for once. See how much she liked it when I wasn't there to get up constantly throughout the night and deal with him.

"Don't be a fucker, Eric. I'm serious."

I sighed, glancing at her. "What then?"

"Where did you go last night? You never came back."

"Didn't think you noticed."

"I always notice when you're not home, Eric."

Ugh. I hated it when she said shit like that, it made me think she wasn't that much of a bitch. I didn't respond, just continued to sulk. I was pissed at her, I had a lot of stuff on my plate, and I couldn't handle her bucking up on me too.

In fact, I'd appreciate it if she would just fuck me and we could start having things going back to normal.

"Look, you should have told me about... that other stuff," she said after a moment, standing too close to me. I could smell her shampoo, the soft scent that I liked too much. "You gotta tell me shit like that, Eric, no matter what's going on. You don't have to handle that by yourself. We're together for a reason."

"You were pregnant, already freaking out. I didn't want to make it worse." I muttered, my eyes flicking to her dark hair. "We had enough going on."

"Doesn't matter, I still should know. How else can I protect Kai?"

"You won't ever have too, I won't let it get that bad."

"Sometimes you can't help it. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone, Eric. You're where you are for a reason."

She just... didn't understand. I had to do what I had to do, I had to follow orders, and I had to do stuff that she wouldn't so Max didn't think I was expendable. I would be alright if he would just get rid of me, but I wouldn't tolerate him doing anything that would threaten my family.  I would follow him for now, but if it came down to it, I would turn on him and take his place the first chance I got.

I'll always protect my family.

"You have to know Dauntless isn't perfect, Camille." I murmured after a moment, keeping my voice soft. "You know that I do stuff you wouldn't agree with."

"I know," she said simply, turning to gaze up at me. "I get it. I don't ask about it, I don't want to know. You do what you have too, but you don't seclude yourself from me, okay? We have a kid, we can't act like this anymore."

"I know," I said, resigned. "But I don't know what else to do. I don't want to fight, Camille."

"I don't either. Are you coming home tonight?"

"Yeah." I didn't want to be away from them again.

"Good. Then we can talk."

Because I was so looking forward to that.

~~~~~~~~

I liked Camille's version of talking.

I grasped Camille by her shapely hips, pulling her body flat against mine as I let my hands slide down the curve of her ass. Her hands are tight on my shoulders, and she's giving me soft kisses, the ones I've found I craved. I'm not quite sure how our talking ended up this way, but I wasn't going to question it.

Her fingers brushed the back of my neck, causing shivers to race across my skin as I held her tighter, needing to feel her supple body against my own. Fuck, just the thought of her naked and beneath me makes me hard, and I knew she could feel it.

I wanted to fuck tonight, I was going out of my mind! I didn't want to cheat on her, I cared about her, I loved her, but if I didn't get some kind of relief soon I was going to combust. I deepened the kiss, her fingers rising to clench in my hair, keeping my lips against hers. She kissed me back like old times, full of hunger and passion, her chest arching into mine.

I took a step back, drawing her with me closer to our bed. Her fingers were already at my waist, pulling my t shirt over my head, her eyes skimming my chest. She bit her lip as she looked at me, cold fingers slowly moving down my skin. I held perfectly still, watching her; I was fit, I never slacked in my training, and I knew I looked good. I had scars, sure, but so did she, we were soldiers.

"Eric," she murmured, her dark eyes finally rising to mine. She hesitated, then tugged on my belt, as if making up her mind. I couldn't help but feel relief,  watching as her nimble fingers opened my jeans, working them down my hips. I took a hasty second to jerk them off, kicking out of my boots, trying to be as quick as possible in case she changed her mind.

She raised her brows at me, but didn't comment; she had to know I was dying to fuck!

I reached for her, shamelessly capturing her lips in another heady kiss, burying my fingers in her hair. My tongue delved to meet hers, and I was praying that Kai didn't start screaming, interrupting the only time I might have with Camille.

She sighed against my lips, and didn't stop me from pulling on her shirt, moving it over her head, long hair spilling down over her shoulders. My eyes flicked down her chest, and I licked my lips as I leaned forward. I curled my hands around her hips, my lips descending along her neck, her head tilting to give me more access.

I let my fingers caress her sides, not wanting to rush, but also incredibly impatient. I wasn't an asshole, I knew having a baby messed with her body, that she was having a hard time adjusting. I'd been as patient as I could possibly stand, but she had to give me something in return. All the fighting, all the sleepless nights and cutting remarks --- from her, I could only take so much.

I sucked hard on her neck in just the right spot, and she shivered in my arms, just like I knew she would. I tugged at the clasp to her bra, easily having it open, straps falling off of her shoulders. I nibbled at her throat, lowering my hands to her hips once more, letting my hands roam and squeeze that great fucking ass of hers. God it felt good in my hands, being able to touch her, feel her body once more. I felt her fingers flex against my nape, her breath hot and growing quicker against my ear as I set to work on removing her jeans.

I turned us around, putting her back to the bed, hooking my thumbs in the hem of her jeans and drawing them down in one swift movement --- I wasn't wasting any time. I helped her out of her boots, and then urged her back onto the bed.

She shuffled, but I didn't let her get far, my hands on her hips. She flushed under my gaze as it swept over the body I was so familiar with. Her breasts were a little bigger, but still perfect, perky and just waiting for my mouth to be on them. My eyes flicked hungrily back to hers, my cock suddenly throbbing in my boxers, straining against the thin material as I crawled over her, kissing her forcefully with a groan.

Fuck, I needed this.

I slid my hands up her smooth sides, stretching my fingers along her stomach before I reached her breasts, remembering last minute that they were probably sensitive. I caressed them easily, grazing my thumbs over her stiffening peaks. I wanted to kiss, suck, taste every inch of her body, to have my tongue run through every curve and dip. I wanted to remind her of what she's been missing out on, on only what I could do to her, make her feel. My mouth watered just at the thought of tasting her again.

I kissed her only for a second more before I left her lips, my mouth finding her jaw, her throat, slowly working it's way lower. I felt her tense slightly as my tongue flicked against her breasts, but I gave them only the lightest of nuzzles before I moved lower. I clasped her hips as I kissed her scarred stomach, noticing the ugly red line from where her brother stabbed her, the spot where she'd gotten shot saving my ass, and all the little white lines from where she carried our child.

Her body and her scars told a story of her life, and I wouldn't have her look any other way. We had memories together, and I didn't want her to be self-conscious. I loved her for her, not for what she looked like.

I glanced up as I slipped off the bed, falling down to my knees between her lovely thighs. She blinked, pushing up onto her elbows slightly, her teeth digging into that plump lower lip.

"Eric ---."

"I want to taste you," I murmured, curling her thighs over my shoulders, licking my lips as I felt the heat from her skin. My voice was low, husky, and I saw her shiver. She didn't tell me no, so I eagerly nudged her thighs wider, burying my face in the heaven waiting for me. She let out a long sigh as my tongue rolled forward over her clit, and I was pleased to find she was wet --- she had to be wanting this as much as me!

Her hands found their way into my hair, and she finally gave the softest of moans.

My blood boiled just at the sound, one I'd been denied for so long. Her heat teased my tongue as I let it dip between her folds, my hands shifting to hold her at a better angle. I let my arm clamp across her hips, my thumb creeping down to press against her clit.

"Fuck," Camille exhaled after a moment, shuddering against my mouth. Mmm, she tasted just the same, just as good. I kept a firm pressure on her clit, letting my tongue lap against her entrance, drinking in the taste of her, knowing it was just for me. "Eric!"

The sound of my name made me groan, and the tight way she said it, the way her thighs tried to flex --- fuck, I could only imagine how good she would feel around my cock. I pressed my tongue more firmly, grasping her bare thigh and keeping it angled higher, giving me more room. I let my lips rise, sealing them firmly around her clit and sucking hard enough to make her back immediately arch off the bed with a breathless gasp.

My cock pulsed at the sound, and I had to shift my hips, finding my boxers growing steadily uncomfortable. I saw her squeeze her eyes shut, her hands rising to press against her mouth as I lapped and sucked at her clit, her desire covering my lips and chin.

Heh, I knew I was good at this.

She whined softly, muffled from behind her hand as she tried to stay quiet. Yeah, too loud and we'd wake the loaf, and neither of us wanted that. I'd have to catch her sometime during the day then, get her on the roof where I could really make her scream again. I'd loved making her cum so hard she lost control of herself, that she cried out so loud the neighbors could hear.

Her back arched off the bed, those perfect breasts rising and falling as she panted behind her fingers. Her hips squirmed desperately against my hold, and I nearly smirked, teasing her swollen clit with my tongue. Her eyes squeezed shut as I sucked on it, my fingers creeping to her core.

I slowly eased one inside her damp folds, groaning as I felt how tight she was, how her body clenched. I didn't want to go too fast, her hips already bucking as I slipped a second finger with the first, pumping them inside of her. Her desire coated them, making it easy for me to keep up a rhythm, her breath catching.

She was going to cum, I could tell it by how her muscles squeezed, how her body tensed as she tried not too. She was always so stubborn, trying to hold out on me, make me really work to give her pleasure. I didn't let her win, I was too intent tonight, needing her to cum. There was no doubt in my mind I wouldn't last long as soon as I was buried inside of her, it had been too long for me, so I wanted to give her all the pleasure I could now.

"Fuck, Eric," she suddenly gasped, and I smirked, feeling her body go taut just as I shoved her over the edge. She came against my mouth, my tongue greedily tasting her pleasure, fingers clenching tight on her thighs to hold them open; I didn't mean to bruise her, but I probably did.

I groaned against her hot core, giving it one last lick before I raised my head. My cock was so hard, throbbing heavily, and I knew my boxers were growing slick. It had been way too long since I fucked, and it was taking every ounce of my self-control to make sure I was easy, that I didn't hurt her.

I pressed a kiss against her trembling thighs before I rose, discarding my boxers and crawling over my woman. Her hands lifted from her face as she felt my body on hers, her lips parted as she tried to catch her breath. Her dilated eyes found mine seconds before her fingers clenched against my nape, drawing my mouth to hers.

I knew she could taste herself on my tongue, and I kissed her hard as I pressed my bare body down into hers. I craved her like a madman, addicted to the feel of her, the scent of her. I needed to feel the hot squeeze of her tight body around my throbbing cock, to pump myself inside of her until there was nothing left. I squeezed her full breasts, massaging them as I rubbed my cock against her glistening folds, letting her feel how badly I wanted her, my teeth pulling on her lower lip.

"I need you," I groaned against her soft lips, my mind on nothing more but being inside her heat, fucking her in all sorts of positions.  She just kissed me, her legs parting wider, inviting me. I shuddered, grinding my body into hers, loving the friction, how her bare skin felt against my own.

Her nails trailed down my sides, and I tensed as they met my hips, bringing them down hard into her cunt until I nearly came right then.

"Fuck!" I hissed as she squirmed against me, her hand suddenly between our bodies, curling along my shaft and giving me a few good strokes.

"No," I hastily grabbed her wrist, seeing her eyes flash up to mine in surprise. As much as I loved the thought of her mouth around my cock, I wouldn't be able to withstand it. "I want this to last," I murmured, flushing slightly. "And if you touch me it won't."

The bitch smirked at me; Camille didn't know it, but she had more control over me then I'd admit, especially when it came to our fucking. She had a cunt like an angel, and honestly I wasn't that surprised I got her pregnant, I couldn't resist the feel of her around me.

I kissed her without another word, settling in between her thighs when her hand moved to curl around my shoulder. I grasped one of her thighs, pulling it higher, making room for my hips.

"Mmm --- Eric, w--- wait." She suddenly pressed hard against my shoulders, my mouth freezing against hers.

Oh no.

Please don't.

Not when I'm so fucking close!

"What?" I asked, my chest moving heavily; I was going to have a heart attack if she told me to stop, I wouldn't be able to survive the disappointment.

"Do you have a condom?"

"What?" I stared down at her blankly, wondering what the fuck we'd need one of those for. "No."

"Eric." She frowned up at me. "I'm not on birth control."

Yeah, like that bullshit made a difference; she was on it when I got her pregnant.

"So?"

"So --- for fuck's sake, Eric, I don't want another baby!" Her nails dug into my shoulders, and my brows furrowed as I look down at her. Didn't we just have a fight about that the other night?

"Well, I'll be careful then," I mumbled, kissing along her jaw and hoping to distract her.

"You're never careful!"

"I won't cum inside, I swear," I added, at the point I would say anything if she'd just let me fuck her already. "I'll pull out, don't worry."

 I shifted my hips, the head of my cock parting her lips, just enough to tease her. I needed to fuck her, now, I couldn't take another minute of it! She grumbled  something I didn't quite catch, I was sure she called me some sort of bastard, but her legs curled around my hips.

I groaned, my eyes closing as I pushed my cock inside her hot, tight body, her soft walls pulling me deeper as I let my hips sink flush with hers.

She inhaled sharply, fuck she was so tight, I hadn't expected that! I pressed my lips against her shoulder, trying to hold still, to give her time to adjust.

"Fuck, baby,  you feel so good," I breathed in her ear, her slick body clenching around me. "You're so goddamn tight."

I shifted, feeling her fingers flex against my shoulders. I started moving, slowly at first, thrusting into her long and as easily as I could, swallowing hard against the need to pound into her. I wasn't going to last long, I didn't doubt that for one second, but I wanted it to still feel good for her too.

Camille groaned, her fingers tracing down my spine as I pressed into her, grinding my hips into hers until I saw her eyes squeeze shut. I kissed her, my pulse quickening as I filled her over and over, our panting breathes filling the air; I wasn't sure what was more torturous: trying to be quiet or trying not to fuck to hard!

She hugged me so tightly, purposefully squeezing me when I thrust deep, making it nearly impossible for me to want to leave her warmth.

"Camille," I groaned, moving my hips faster when she began to meet them. I clenched my hands in the sheets on either side of her, holding myself up, sweat starting to build on my skin. I rocked my hips, nearly pulling all the way out of her before driving forward, loving the way her breasts moved with the force of me fucking her. Her nails dug into my hips, cutting into my skin as they raked their way back to my shoulders, no doubt leaving red marks.

That's my girl.

I leaned down, hungrily catching her lips with mine. The sound of our fucking, of our panting breaths and her ridiculously hot moans filled my ears. I fucked her harder, driving as deep as I possibly could, her body so wet each thrust was easy --- the fact she was enjoying this, that she was urging me to be rougher, to fuck her like I used too, that's what drove me crazy the most.

I'd missed this.

This closeness with her, the silent acknowledgement of how good we made the other feel. I liked when she was rough with me, dragging me by my hair to kiss her, clawing at me when I wasn't doing what she wanted. We were perfect in bed together, our body's built just for the others --- perfect heights, perfect builds, perfect everything.

Camille was home to me, her body was where I always wanted to be and never leave. When I was with her like this, I could block out the rest of the world and the problems waiting for me there, I could focus on worshiping her and telling her that I loved her over and over.

She bit at my lower lip, rocking her hips against mine until I was moaning into her, the throbbing, painful pressure in my cock starting to reach a peak. I slipped my arm beneath her back, lifting her off the sheets, suddenly intent that she would cum before I would. Her near shriek as I fucked her as deep as I could was muffled by my lips, and I knew I'd hit just the right spot with this angle. Her breasts were pressed hard into my chest, and I bit and nipped at her neck, relentlessly driving myself into her over and over.

I reached between us, catching her clit and making her whole body shudder beneath me. I chuckled breathlessly as I pressed firmly, stroking in short, fast circles until she was so tight around my cock I could barely move, her arms clenched around my shoulders as she whimpered helplessly.

"That's right, cum with my cock inside you," I moaned, my fingers becoming slick the more I touched her. My skin was prickling, burning with heat, and the second Camille came around me I knew I was a dead man. She clenched around me, her tight body milking my cock for my seed as she cried out, pressing her face hard against my teeth, her teeth digging into my flesh as she tried not to be loud.

Her entire body shook against me, and I couldn't hold back any longer. I groaned as I came, my hips jerking against hers as I throbbed, mind going blessedly blank for several seconds.  Pleasure surged through me for the first time in months as I emptied myself into her tight cunt, relief rushing through my body as I went limp over her, panting for breath.

Finally.

I relaxed with a sigh, curling her body close to mine, letting my head rest against her shoulder as we both tried to catch our breath. I felt her fingers brush gently through my damp hair, and I ignored the stinging of my skin from where she'd bit me. I knew I was good in bed, although tonight admittedly wasn't one of my better moments, but hey, it had been a long time!

"I love you," I said after a moment, nuzzling her cheek with mine. I meant it, and I felt like I hadn't told her enough lately.

"I love you too," she murmured, her arms tightening around me. I stayed for a few moments longer, not wanting to move, to just enjoy the feel of her around me, making me feel safe and content.

Well, for a few seconds anyway.

"Eric!" She suddenly hissed, and I sighed.

Welp, there went the good feelings.

"Hmm?"

"You fucking --- goddamit, Eric! I fucking told you not to cum inside!" She smacked my shoulder hard enough to sting, and I was glad she couldn't see me roll my eyes. "What if I get pregnant again, you moron!?"

"Then you do," I mumbled, reluctantly propping myself over her, gazing down at her and her just-fucked hair. "We'll have another one, and another, and another," I smirked, teasing her lips with mine. "Because you feel too fucking good not to cum inside."

She flushed, scowling up at me.

"Just take a pill, you'll be fine," I sighed, seeing she wasn't going to get over it easily. "We'll be more prepared tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Mmmhmm." I kissed her nose, and nibbled my way across her jaw, feeling her hips finally shift. I'd probably just majorly fucked up if I did get her pregnant again, but I'd deal with the consequences. I wouldn't mind a family with Camille, not even a big one, because it was with her. I'd love her through every mind-fucking pregnancy, although I didn't really want another one, if I was being honest.

Maybe in a few years, if even that.

Right now, I mean, since I'd already cum inside....

"Eric, you can't be serious," she huffed as I bit her throat, and I chuckled.

"I haven't got to fuck you in months, I've a lot of backtracking to do," I breathed in her ear as I reluctantly pulled out of her, seeing her wince out of the corner of my eye. "Kai's the only one going to get any sleep tonight."

She rolled her eyes, her cold hands rising to cup my face.

"I don't know what to do with you," she murmured, and I smirked, knowing the answer.

"Just fuck me again and I'm good."

P.S: If any of you are ever feeling generous, you can leave me a tip in the tip jar! I have a link in the description :D

Tags:@jcause.    @elaacreditava.       @riegan.   @deathbyamonster @pathybo@buried-in-books   @miss-evil-oneggggggg.  @maquet-lambb.  @jojuarez26. @ljvosscmt    @beltz2016 @magellan-88     @kenzieam     @tigpooh67   @rred87@lauraaan182    @fuckthatfeeling

[thunderheadfred]

Red Streak [1.4]

Chapter 01: Shakedowns [Part 4 of 4. Revised June 2017]

Read the complete fic on AO3

Hannah Shanxi Colony 2157 CE

Hannah felt as though she’d been holding her breath since the day she’d been born. In a rush, she evacuated her bursting lungs and triggered a flood of relief so intense that she had to bite back a sob.

Whatever this Turian Hierarchy was, their war games seemed honorable - not entirely dissimilar from humanity’s own. Hannah slumped her head onto Jane’s shoulder to plant a thankful kiss. Gathering her girl closer, she anxiously turned towards the opposite side of the square to join the other civilians.

Before she took a step, she heard her name floating above the panicked shuffle of the crowd.

“You need Shepard. Civilian - former Marine.”

She froze, looking for the source.

Williams was still standing next to the alien leader with the hideous, naked face. She could overhear the General’s half of the conversation, and his voice was unnerving. He sounded conversational. Practically relieved.

“Captain, you’ve got to get creative. We’re starved out. The only functioning supply lines are all tied up in Shepard’s depot. Everything else is gone. Civilian or not, she’s in charge of supplies and logistics. She’ll need an implant to be of any use. Can you do it?”

Whatever blood was still pumping through Hannah’s hardened veins, it stopped at the General’s suggestion. What the hell did he want to implant her with?

“Shepard. Report.”

Fear pierced through her heart, explosive as any bullet. Williams’ order was as polite as an order could get, but that didn’t make him trustworthy. She wasn’t a traitor.

Jane sensed the shift in mood, and misread it with all the precociousness of a child.

“Hannah Shepard is my mommy,” she called.

“Shh, Jane. No. Keep quiet.”

The General glanced over his shoulder, taking a measure of the civilians as they were coaxed into an unwilling line by the turians, and his nerves seemed to return all at once. When he looked back to  Hannah, there was a cornered gleam in his eyes.

“I need you here, soldier.” Williams shouted, more forcefully now.

When she refused to move, Williams made an impatient summoning motion, but Hannah couldn’t have budged an inch if she’d tried. The cold metallic gaze of the alien at William’s side had immobilized her completely. Pinned by that stare, she felt too poleaxed to blink.

It was watching her, weighing her - those hammered metal eyes following her every twitch, her every sweating breath. Approximating how much meat she could provide for its troops, possibly. Heavy as lead, its eyes moved to Jane.

Snarling automatically, Hannah tightened her grip.

Never.

“Mommy,” Jane whispered, burrowing into Hannah’s neck. “Can we go home?”

A turian soldier approached and nudged Hannah roughly between the shoulder blades with the muzzle of a rifle.

Get a move on, the rifle said. Or die.

With an extraterrestrial weapon thrust mercilessly into her back and a baby girl trembling in her arms, Hannah Shepard finally allowed herself to be forced into enemy hands. Whatever sick thing they had in mind for her, they wouldn’t touch Jane. Hannah would kill them first. She’d kill every last one.

As if reading her mind, the alien leader’s silvery eyes slid from mother to daughter, then the subordinate gun at Hannah’s back jostled warningly. This time, the blow was violent enough to break the skin of her shoulder, but she refused to blink.

Instead, she spat, “Fuck you, Williams!”

Jane flinched in Hannah’s arms, dropping her stuffed dinosaur in shock.

The General sighed with his entire body and raked a hand through his thick, oily hair. He looked badly in need of a shower, and maybe a spiritual confession.

“Shepard, trust me. I swear to God.” He lowered his voice, already tremulous and thin. “I swear on the souls of my own grandchildren. I’m still on your side. This colony is days from starving.” He looked at Jane, who shrank  from his watery-eyed scrutiny. “The kids will get the worst of it, you know that. Unless you can move some supplies, Shanxi will be dust without the turians firing another shot.”  

Hannah said nothing, refusing to look at Williams directly. She stared down the silvery-eyed alien to the General’s right - watching, and waiting.

“We’re out of options,” Williams reminded her. “It’s cooperation or death. The turians have universal translator implants, but we’re not in their system. The software is improving hour to hour, I guess they’ve had field techs and combat engineers working on it round the clock, but none of our own people.”

She could see a small patch of the alien’s neck peeking out over its armor. The skin there looked tender and almost human, prone to stab wounds. As the creature swallowed, the flesh shifted and creased like delicate suede.

So, these dinosaurs had soft spots too.

Williams wasn’t done. He gestured to the turian she was staring at.

“Captain Regidonis managed to broker a temporary ceasefire, but he needs a human liason to make anything stick, and we all need food. Submit to the implant. A few hours in surgery, a human doctor to make things more comfortable, and we can start fixing this.”

As Williams rambled, increasingly desperate, Hannah noticed the trail of blood leading from both of his ears. A patch on his scalp had been crudely shaved, the skin cut open, barely healed. He was implanted. The General who had just surrendered Shanxi into alien hands had a fucking mind-control chip embedded in his skull.

“This is insane,” she whispered, backing away until her shoulder blades reunited with the unfriendly alien gun. “They’ve already turned you into their talking meat puppet.”

Williams laughed, or he almost did, with a dry, heaving noise. He rubbed the back of his neck.

“I’ve got no proof for you, but I’m still in my right mind. You’ll have to take this one on faith.”

There was a brief lull while the General's unconvincing argument soaked in, then all hell broke loose.

Regidonis advanced toward Jane.

Williams’ hand flew to his waist, trying to pull a gun that wasn’t there. Empty-handed but committed, he moved himself between Jane and the advancing captain.

A turian guard leapt forward, the orange translation holo on his forearm morphing as he moved. The holo solidified into a sizzling-hot, lethal-looking blade, which the guard pressed against William’s back, aiming expertly for the kidneys.

Regidonis barked something at his guard while lowering himself cautiously to one knee. One breath, two, then he returned to full height and hissed aggressively. After a short standoff, the guard trilled and let Williams go without injury.  

Hannah caught a whiff of her own terrified stink. She felt naked, primitive, a chimpanzee about to be poached and turned into a black market souvenir.

Far from a brainwashed automaton, Williams still had plenty of the old fight left in him. He stood his ground, keeping his body solidly between Regidonis and Hannah's child.

Jane herself, further protected by an infantile lack of experience, was straining against Hannah’s grip and reaching fearlessly under William’s outstretched left arm. Reaching toward the turian.

When Hannah saw what had caught the girl’s stubborn, foolish attention, she tightened her grip. Regidonis held a raggedy one-eyed dinosaur toy in his gigantic two-fingered hand, and while he was keeping his distance, the gesture was unmistakable. Approaching by inches only, the towering leader of an invading extraterrestrial army wanted to return a stuffed animal to a little girl.

If Hannah had been able to breathe, she might have laughed in his face.

Jane yanked her toy out of the turian’s grasp, hauled it clumsily under General William's armpit, then buried her face in Lionel's matted belly, hiccuping with rage. Hannah glanced back to the turian. Without hesitating, he met her eyes and held them.

Captain Regidonis.

He had a name, she reminded herself. An agenda. Theoretically, a soul.

He was still inscrutable. Less so, somehow, while standing so close. There had been ample time for him to bite her face clean off, to force whatever implant he pleased straight into her ear canal, but he hadn’t made a single aggressive move toward her. Comprehensiveness and control seemed to dictate his every act, the discipline of his posture as otherworldly as it was familiar.

Not a wild animal, but an honest to fuck extraterrestrial intelligence, and one that wanted to reason with her, apparently.

Williams had been winded in the scuffle, and he adjusted the rags of his dress uniform with a dignified huff, then spoke to Shepard.

“I know it seems impossible, but the turians aren’t here to wipe us out. They’re rational.” He glanced at the holographic knife that had almost pierced his kidney moments before. “To a point. Regidonis claims to have made civilian custody and welfare his first priority, at least until the turians hear otherwise from on high. He won’t make much headway without you. And I swear, if any of these bastards touch your daughter, you have my permission to fire at will.”

She nodded, taking him at his word.

“If you’re going to cooperate - and for God’s sake, woman, please cooperate - Regidonis needs to pat you down.”

She met the Captain’s eyes one more time, trying to scry anything compassionate behind those glinting irises, but she only found two dark webs of polished aluminum, silvery and strange.

Faith won out.

“I’ll be right here, Jane. Be brave.”

Doubt finally crept into the child the moment Hannah set her down. Weak with hunger and suddenly all alone, Jane mewled once or twice as she slid onto the ground, and when Hannah let go of her hand, she started to cry in earnest.

“Straighten up recruit,” Hannah ordered. “You’ve got to help Lionel. He’s smaller than you; think of how scared he must be.”

Jane stared up doubtfully, lip quivering. Hannah sucked back her own tears before they fell, setting her face like a barricade. Straight-backed as any toddler could manage, Jane followed her mother’s example. She steeled and looked down at her strangled ward.

“Don’t cry, Lionel. Oorah!”

Hannah hadn’t had time to change before the surrender - she was still dressed for bed. Her thin cotton shirt and shorts clung like gauze, useless and vulnerable.  She raised her arms to signal her consent to the weapons check, and swallowed hard.

“Do it.”

Regidonis had only two fingers and a thumb. Large, strange digits that felt heavy against her waist, breasts, hips, thighs, crotch - every inch groped piecemeal as he checked for concealed weapons. It was too strange to be embarrassing, all she could think about was how systematic and military it was - no funny business. A small mercy, but one she would take.

He nodded curtly and barked out a clicking, double-voiced word, firmly clapped her on the shoulder, then stepped back to a respectable distance. Was that last pat meant to be comforting? She couldn’t think straight anymore.

She looked to General Williams, but he was already ignoring her, lost to a high-priority comm dispatch; a summons for a surgeon and a team of engineers.

This was really going to happen, then. Aliens were going to probe her brain, and she didn’t even get the courtesy of being sucked into their UFO first. What luck.

She steadied herself and lifted Jane back to her hip.

When he seemed satisfied that Hannah and Jane were ready to move, Regidonis led the small, strange group away from the city center, marching them past the line of civilians that had finally begun to form on the south end of the square.

Cold, unsympathetic eyes stared out of hollow-cheeked faces as they passed. Dozens of people that Hannah had once recognized as neighbors and friends. Now, there was not a single ally among them. Hannah understood their fear, their righteous hatred, and those stares felt even heavier.

Someone hidden by the rank and file screamed: “TRAITORS!”

A second cry rose out of the crowd, then a third, a fourth. The voices like poison darts flying into her back. She kept walking. Curling her arms around Jane, Hannah tried to wall out the screams. Almost there; soon a line of abandoned shops would block them all from view. Just a few more steps and the storm would pass.

Too late. She heard the wet crunch of a human skull breaking to pieces, struck by the heavy butt of a gun.

Jane wailed and covered her ears, burying her sticky, tear-drenched face in the crook of Hannah’s neck. Hannah pulled her closer. Buried her deeper.

“Don’t look, baby. Don’t look.”

She stared at the artfully arranged weapons that Captain Regidonis carried on his back, and put one foot in front of the other.

Colonists screaming, a stampede at their backs. Shots cracked across the square, breaking the long, fatal silence of the morning.

Hannah had a well-trained ear. Call it surrender; it sounded like war.

[daydividesthenight-blog1]

If You Love Me, Don’t Let Go (SL With @LustByTheHour and @SinfulMyrick)

Del: -The car pulled up in front of the shop, and I got out, telling the driver I’d call him back when I needed him and not to wait for me. I had no idea how long this was going to take. It could have been a few minutes or hours. It all depended on how they reacted to what I had to say.

I did know one thing. I couldn’t go in there half-cocked and fly off the handle. That was the one way to ruin everything before it ever started. I could push them away easily enough. That came naturally to me, to push everyone away. But that had been the way I’d fucked them and me up for the past god only knew how many weeks.

I walked up to the doors, but the first thing I caught was a glimpse of her brilliant crimson hair through the glass moving around on the other side of them. Freezing was my first reaction, but it was the wrong one. The air around me was cold, the wind cutting into my jacket like it was made of tissue paper instead of wool and sending a shiver through my frame that had me rubbing my hands together to get more blood flowing into my fingers. I tried to move, but I couldn’t, not until the little voice of reason in my head was screaming at me not to chicken out and lose everything I needed in one stupid move. I was here for a reason, and that reason was waiting inside.

I took in a deep breath, gathering the little bit of courage I could muster and pushed through the door to the tinkling of bells that signaled someone’s arrival in the shop. I hadn’t been wrong. They were both there, and both heads turned to find me standing there in the entrance as I tried to smile, but only managed to turn up one corner of my face into some sort of expression- Hi…

-I knew that wasn’t enough, wasn’t ever going to be enough, but it was the only thing I could think of to start with. The other words would come, but taking my time here was going to be key to not freaking me or either of them out completely-

Myrick: -I heard the bells that signaled the door opening without looking up from the drawing I was working on atop the counter. I was a little lost in the work, a drawing of Cay as she moved around the shop the colors and swirls of her tattoos and hair slowly taking shape in colored pencil as she let me have glimpses of them with each movement.

I’d taken to spending all my free time here. Things were still tense at the house when and if I would see Del. We’d barely spoken to each other, but I had told him I’d talked to Cay. He just sort of nodded and made some kind of incomprehensible sound before he stalked back upstairs. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I made no secret of where I was going every day or who I was spending time with. I didn’t see any point in it. He could get his act together if he decided to on his own.

It was the sound of Cay’s soft gasp that had my attention moving back up to first her face and then following her gaze back to the door before I heard the nervous sound of his greeting. I knew him well enough to know that he was scared out of his mind. I hadn’t seen him like that very often, but there he was now, wearing one of my scarves and his jacket, standing on the welcome mat as the door slowly closed behind him.

My voice caught in my throat, though I wasn’t certain what I would have said anyway. I just looked back to Cay to gauge her reaction to all of this-

Cay: ^It hadn’t taken much to get Amelia and Cassidy to allow Daddy into the shop when we weren’t open. They both knew that he wasn’t a risk, and would spend most of his time behind the counter drawing. He wouldn’t let me see what he was working on, but I knew. I had been his muse since he had started coming. Cassidy was in love with him. She enjoyed seeing him in the shop because he made me happy.

I hadn’t slid down that slope that took my mind out of things in a while. I still did occasionally, but it was always cancelled out by the knowing look from behind the counter. After we opened up about what we wanted to do, we sat down and just talked about everything. I explained what had happened. I knew better than to leave anything out. I told him about how Amelia and Cassidy wanted to give me the shop. As hard as it was for him to hear, I told him about the lapses I had while working.

I never held any of that against Daddy. He was the only truly innocent party here. I could have gone to him at any minute. He had no clue where to find me. It was something I still felt insanely guilty about on bad days. But those were the days I kept my promise to him. I didn’t let myself drown in my misery, I opened up to him. I told him.

Today had been a good day. There weren’t many customers in the store, but I wasn’t entirely surprised. It was chilly, and getting anywhere was a challenge, at best, in this city. But as the door chimed, I felt the entire day shift. I didn’t want to believe what was standing in front of me. I knew the scarf. It was one I had seen a few times over the past few weeks. Except it hadn’t been draped around the man standing in front of the door. It belonged to the man whose gaze was locked on me.

I almost didn’t hear the nervous “hi” come from Del’s lips. I could feel myself starting to drown in confusion. But I didn’t know why he was here. I didn’t know if he wanted to talk. I didn’t know if he was in to shop for something. The last thing I wanted to assume was that he was here to talk to me or Daddy. I had to be professional, though. I couldn’t let this get the best of me.

Closing my eyes, I took another breath before I let my gaze travel up to his eyes. The words that fell from my lips sounded hollow to my ears, but I knew they needed to be said. I knew how to treat the customers that came in here. There was a reason the doms that came in here loved me. They knew I was respectful. But my voice shook as I tried to get the words out.^ Welcome to The Shoppe. I’m Cay, Sir. Let me know if there’s anything I can help you with.

Del: -I could hear the tremble in her voice as she spoke and the formality of the words that came from her lips. I had a lot to make up for, and the sound of the greeting she gave me told me all of that without her saying a single thing about it. She didn’t have to.

My fingers were shaking as I moved to take the scarf from around my neck, shrugging the coat off my shoulders and draping them both over my arm. I took a trepidatious step forward, closer to where she stood. Letting out a soft sigh- Cay… -I glanced over to Myrick, not sure which of them I needed to talk to first, or what I needed to say. - Hey, Ricky. -letting out a long breath again- I just… I owe you both an apology.

-I guessed that was the best place to start. Because it was the damn truth. I owed them both a lot more than an apology-

Myrick: -I was still a little dumbstruck as seeing Del enter the room like that. And I still didn’t know what to say. I was scrambling for a reply when he admitted he owed us both an apology, though I wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for. I was willing to hear him out, but I was waiting to hear exactly what he was going to say before I made a judgement.-

Listen, Del. I think you have a lot to explain, and I’m willing to let you explain it. I’m listening, but I’m not promising anything.

-That was as generous as I could be in the moment, but my heart was in my throat. I didn’t know what he was going to tell me or how I was going to be able to wrap my head around it.-

Cay: ^I knew this wasn’t going to be as easy as getting an apology. There was more to it. We needed explanations. Both of us. And I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready to hear what he needed to say to Daddy. But I knew the truth. Whatever was going to come from Del’s mouth was going to create a problem.

I had been good about closing off the wall of feelings I had. I didn’t let Daddy see them. I tried to keep them to myself. I didn’t want Daddy thinking I ever was settling. I wasn’t, and I never had. It was a different way of being complete. It was something I liked. I trusted in what Daddy was giving me. Because I knew to him, it wasn’t about the sex or the control. It was making sure I was in a safe place to give up the control.

I knew with Daddy that there didn’t have to be sex. I could ask for a night of just cuddles, and he would absolutely respect that. With Del, I feared what I would be used for. And being used wasn’t something I could afford.

Taking a breath, I looked at the floor and started to make my way towards the back. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be here while the two of them were talking. I didn’t want to know what I had screwed up with the two of them. Daddy would just tell me I did nothing wrong. Del, who knew. But the truth ran through my mind more than enough times. If I had just stayed at the club, none of this would have happened. My voice was soft as I tried to choke the words out.^ I’ll give the two of you a minute.

Del: -I could hear the sound in her voice, the one that was saying everything to her that my mind had been saying to me over the past few weeks. And that was the last fucking thing I wanted. I wanted her to know how much I needed her, and I didn’t know if I needed to ask her to stay or let her go. I did know that her going was the last thing I wanted to happen.- No, please stay, Cay. I… I need to talk to both of you.

-I wanted to walk over to her, but I wasn’t sure how she’d react, so I just left her be over on the other side of the room. I needed them both closer. This talking out loud across the shelves and racks in the shop was more than I could take. I had to be able to look both of them in the eyes and tell them what I had to say.

I was taking a huge chance here, and I could only hope that it turned out the way I needed it to, that I hadn’t fucked it up past all repair.-

Myrick: -My eyes were dancing back and forth between the two of them like watching a tennis match, waiting to see what was going to happen before I stepped in and spoke, but something told me I needed to speak up or the two of them were never going to get themselves together. Resting my hands on the glass counter top, my stool slid across the tiled floor with an odd scraping sound before I had room to stand up and walk around to the other side of the counter, with a long glance at Cay-

Baby Love, why don’t you go close up shop for awhile and we can talk without being interrupted. I think we’ve all got a lot to say, and no one else needs to walk in on the middle of this. It’s almost time anyhow. A few minutes early won’t matter.

-I tried to offer her a reassuring smile. I knew I needed it as much as she did. I had no idea what was coming, but I had my fingers crossed it wasn’t going to be some of the wrecking ball style stuff that Del was famous for.-

Cay: ^I nodded my head and slowly moved to flip the sign on the door and slid the lock closed. Daddy was right, and there was no arguing with him. I didn’t know where we were going, but I almost didn’t want to know. Because I knew what was standing right in front of me. And I was fucking terrified. Taking the widest path possible, I moved behind the counter and pressed myself as close to Daddy as I could.

I wasn’t even sure how to react. I felt like I had lost the ability to speak. I knew there was more I needed to do after all of this was discussed, but I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to focus on anything. It all boiled down to what Del was about to say.

But I needed him to know what Daddy had done for me in the short time we had been together. I needed him to understand what kind of position I was in because of what we had both done.^ I was a wreck before Daddy came to me. I could barely keep my focus at work. And because of that, I didn’t get an amazing opportunity that I should have. I’ve never been boy crazy. I’ve never felt like I needed a guy to make my life worth living. But then I met you and, in turn, Daddy.

I disappeared from Daddy’s life. I barely felt worthy of having that night with you. I definitely didn’t feel like I deserved that morning with Daddy. When you never came back, I felt justified in my feelings. You didn’t come back because I wasn’t good enough for you. I was never going to be the sub you wanted or needed. I couldn’t handle you. That was everything I thought. I beat myself up for weeks trying to believe that I could move on. That it wasn’t me. But that feeling isn’t an easy one to shake.

^Shaking my head, I could already feel all the frustration and fear rolling through my body. This wasn’t easy to talk about, and it was technically a violation of one of Daddy’s rules. But I always told him that I would come to him when I was feeling down. We would talk about it. Even if it turned into me crying hysterically because I wasn’t enough. Turning my head to Daddy, I let my voice drop to a whisper. A soft moment for the two of us where I knew my own mind was going to get the best of me.^ This is going to send me down a slippery hill, Daddy. And I’m going to struggle. Please don’t punish me if I go too far.

Myrick: -I leaned in to her, tightening my arm around Cay’s waist as she whispered. I knew she was protecting herself the best she could, and I wasn't going to hold that against her. Neither of us knew what to expect out of Del right now and the way she felt about him was precarious at best. She tried not to let me see, but I knew without her talking.  I didn't hold her feelings for him against her, either. She couldn't help them. Hell, my own feelings about him were confusing the life out of me at the moment- it's ok, Baby Love. Just do what you need to do. I'm not going to punish you when you need holding.

-I straightened up to look over to Del, though I kept her curled into my side. He needed to hear what he'd done and the fallout that had resulted from it all. Del did so many things without thinking of anyone but himself. The fact that he was even here now apologizing was amazing, but it wasn't enough- You could have at least told me where to find her, Del. Jesus. -letting out a frustrated sigh- I didn't know. I know you're clearly going through something right now, where you've decided that you don't get to be happy, but I guess that means no one else gets to be happy either. -I didn't know what else to say to him. He was selfish, but he was here  I had to give him credit for that- At least you came. So let's hear your reasoning.

Del. -I listened to everything the two of them had to say to me, letting Cay have her moment to curl into Myrick’s side and call him Daddy. It was frankly nice to see. Ricky deserved that kind of thing, and had for a damned long time. I laid my coat across the counter top and slid my hands into the pockets of my jeans- Because I don't deserve what the two of you have over there. At least not in my mind. I never have. I fucking want it, more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life. And that's why I'm here. -I leaned against the counter and took in a shaky breath. I was scared stupid right now, and I wanted to make sure I didn't screw this up any more than I already had- I fucked up. Okay? I know that. I got scared and I hid from everyone and everything. I'm an idiot. And I probably messed everything up. I'm not dumb or cocky enough to waltz in here and think everything is forgiven or that either of you would even want me in your life after the way I've behaved. I wouldn't blame you for never talking to me again.

-fingers jingling the change in my pocket as I tried to focus. I knew I was babbling and I could feel myself sinking with every admission of how bad I'd messed everything up- I was miserable. And it was my own fault. I'm sorry if I made either of you feel even a quarter of how bad I felt. And it was all my fault. All I had to do was be honest with myself and with the two of you. And to be honest, I'm terrified. I'm terrified at how happy I could be. Because of I'm not happy then I don't have a damned thing to lose. But now, I have everything to lose.

-I looked down at the floor before I could chance a glance up at the two of them. I wasn't even half done with everything I needed to tell them, but I needed to give them a chance to reply. And I had to just breathe for a minute-

Cay: ^I could feel my blood boil at his words. There was one sorry in that entire exchange, and it wasn’t even the most important sorry. It was for making us miserable. That was it. Because it had to be all about Del. It was a trend I was very quickly picking up on. I should have held my tongue. I wasn’t entirely sure what was going to happen, but I couldn’t stand here and let him get away with this. It wasn’t all about him.^

In that entire speech, you said you were sorry one time. You said you were sorry if we were as miserable as you were. So your apology was still self centered. You didn’t apologize to me for losing out on owning a shop I love and put every waking moment into. You didn’t apologize to Daddy for not giving him the information he needed to come after me. Of all the people to apologize to, he deserves it the most. I have spent days and nights apologizing for not coming to him. For waiting for him to come to me. And I owe my boss the world for sending him here. Because she knew how miserable I was. She recognized that Myrick was the only innocent one in this entire situation.

^My hands were fists as I spoke. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to scream. The only thing that kept me grounded was Daddy. I could tolerate a half assed apology to me. I had as much reason to apologize to Del for doing the same thing. But Daddy? Daddy never deserved any of this. I hurt more for him than I hurt for myself.^

You dropped a bomb on him. On a man that struggled to accept what he was as a Daddy already. A man who spent his entire life being groomed for the white picket fence life. And then you walked away. You didn’t say a word. You never gave him a chance to say a word. You avoided him like the plague. You didn’t give him the time of day to understand what was going on in your head. You shut yourself off. Why should I listen? Why should I accept an apology that was self centered? Why should I try to understand what happened? You clearly aren’t trying to understand what happened with either of us individually.

Del: -I heard every word of what she was saying, and none of it was wrong. I was selfish, and self-centered, which was exactly why I didn’t deserve either of them. I’d even fucked up my apology- I’m here, Cay… I came to listen, even if it’s not a skill I’m very comfortable with or good at right now. I’m sorry. You both deserve a hell of a lot better than that, a hell of a lot better than me. And you’re right. Ricky… -I turned to my roommate, offering him the most apologetic look I could muster- You didn’t deserve any of this. You’re worlds better than I will ever be. I know the shit you’ve been through, I was there for most of it, and I still went through the whole damn situation like a bull in a china shop. I’m shitty friend.

-looking over at Cay just in front of him, but smaller so that he could nearly rest his chin on her head- I’m a shitty everything. I’m even shit at apologizing. I’m trying here, though. And I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to give me credit for trying. But he can tell you, I’ve never done anything like this before. And you were right, Amelia is a saint. She’s the only one of us who had enough sense to try fixing the mess I made. I owe her a lot. Even if the two of you decide I’m not worth it.

I know I’m selfish and self-centered. I’ve only been thinking of me for all of my damn life. But that’s not what I want for now. What I want is to think about someone else for the first time in my life. I want to think about you… -looking back up to Myrick- Both of you. And I know that’s a lot to take in Ricky. I know I dropped a bomb in your lap. I know I’m dropping another. And I know it’s going to take a lot of time for us to figure this out, if you two even want to. I just need you to know that I want to.

-takes my hands out of my pockets to thread my fingers together and study my palms for a long moment before I could look up at the two of them. I didn’t deserve to even be here right now. I shouldn’t have barged in on their day unannounced like this, but I was what I was.-

Myrick: -I was just kind of dumbstruck while everything was going down. Cay moved from my side to being in front of me and I rested my hands at her waist, pulling her back into my chest as she leaned forward and let what had been boiling in her mind fly. I could tell there was more there, but she was spent for now. I agreed with everything she said, even though coming to my defense was unnecessary. I was far more worried about her and how all of this had made her feel.

When he started talking, I just froze. I didn’t know what to make of any of this. I’d kind of wiped the whole kiss out of my mind since it happened. I’d chalked it up to something random he decided to do in the heat of the moment. I hadn’t really thought he’d meant it. Though, I had to admit that when I didn’t consciously push it to the back of my mind it popped up unbidden more often than I would admit.

Cay wasn’t wrong when she said I was ill prepared for all of this. My entire upbringing had been getting me ready for law school, to live my parents’ life just like they had. None of this was in the cards for me until it was. Del was the reason for all of that. He’d been the only one to give me the room to figure myself out back then, and as much as he’d been an ass lately, I thought I owed him that much-

Listen, Del. I don’t know what to think. I haven’t for awhile. I know that Cay makes me happy, happier than I’ve been probably ever in my life, and I’m never going to let that go. -I pulled her back in close to me- This is all crazy. Maybe I’m crazy. I’m willing to talk, to try to figure all of this out, if she is. But you fucked up this time, almost past the point of no return.

-I had no idea how I was going to wrap my head around all of this. I’d only said I was willing to talk. I was still so confused about the whole situation involving him. I wasn’t jealous of Cay’s feelings for him. I understood that. I was confused about my feelings for him. Until now, we’d been friends. Things were easy to navigate as friends. This added a whole new dimension to things, one I wasn’t familiar with. It took me out of my hard-won comfort zone and into a whole different place. I had to wrap my head around it, and it wasn’t something I was sure I was going to be able to do-

Cay: ^I didn’t exactly want to listen. I was beyond furious. I didn’t have to. I knew that. I could tell them both that I couldn’t do this and go count the tills. The only thing I could do, right now, was take a breath. I had to stop being irrational. I needed to not fly off the handle. There was absolutely a proper way to do everything. Yelling and screaming at Del was not one of those things.

I hated that he was getting under my skin. I wanted everything to go away. But I couldn’t deny the truth. There was a pull there that I couldn’t deny. And Del was right about one thing. Things felt right when I was with both of them. Granted, being with both of them together was something I still couldn’t begin to think about. I wasn’t going to put Daddy in that place.

But I owed it to Daddy to let Del explain things. We all needed to talk. We needed to figure out where this was going to lead us. Even if we didn’t have an answer tonight, we could at the very least have all of our cards on the table. This wasn’t going to be about me choosing one over the other. If the decision came to that, I knew the answer. But it wasn’t something I wanted to have to do.^ We can stay down here or we can go up to my apartment. Whichever option you feel the most comfortable with. We should talk this out. Responsibly. And without my temper getting into the way.

Del: -I glanced around the shop, taking it in. It was weird to be down here talking all this out with these two. Everything felt like a barrier, standing in between us, something to hide behind, and I was done hiding. Myrick was being forgiving and graceful, like I knew he would be. He would forgive me even when I was wrong, even when I didn’t apologize. It was in his nature, and probably part of the reason I was as spoiled and selfish as I was. I had a friend who made it easy for me.

Cay, on the other hand, wasn’t going to make this easy at all. That was probably exactly what I needed, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. But I knew the two of them were worth the work- Alright, I think we should go upstairs. It might seem a little less weird…

-my hands and shoulders went up in a half shrug- I don’t know. This is awkward, and I know that’s my fault. I just want you two to be as comfortable as possible, so I guess upstairs would be better. I promise to talk this out rationally. I’m not going to lose my cool, but if you do, then I understand. I deserve that too.

-I tried to look Cay in the eye, and I could see that she was raging. I was hoping I didn’t get punched, but that would have been understandable too. Myrick was really all that was holding her back from coming at me full force. She wanted him happy, I could tell by everything she said. And he wanted her happy. It was nice to see if you didn’t also account for the fact that I was keeping that from happening-

Myrick: -my fingers found Cay’s hand, threading between hers to hold her hand in mine. I gave it a gentle squeeze and moved to her side, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead then whisper in her ear- Come on, let’s go upstairs and at least get comfortable while we talk. We have a lot to talk about and standing here in the middle of the shop is not the place for this. -stealing another gentle kiss before I straightened up and glanced up at Del.

I didn’t really have anything to say to him down here. More than anything, I wanted to hear what he had to say to Cay. I’d deal with my issues when we figured out what we were doing, because at this point I honestly had no clue.-

Cay: ^I nodded my head before looking back at the register. I knew what I needed to do before I went up with them. I had to be somewhat responsible. Even if this was going to lead to a downward spiral, I had to be smart with the shop.^ Take him up, Daddy? I need to get the till in the safe. Even if I don’t come back to it tonight, I need to get it into the safe. I can’t risk it.

^With a nod from Daddy, I watched the two men go up the stairs. I knew I wasn’t going to balance the money right now. I couldn’t leave them upstairs alone. But I did need to take a minute to gather my thoughts. As I pulled the till from the register, I thought about what was about to happen.

I wasn’t entirely sure how to handle the situation at hand. I wasn’t even sure how to handle Del showing up. I didn’t know how I’d react if he had shown up while I was alone. I would have fallen to pieces. There was no doubt in my mind. I felt my stomach start to turn as I punched the code into the safe to open it. I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on with me, but I couldn’t afford for the nerves to get the best of me.

Slamming the safe shut, I made sure the store was locked and dark before setting the alarm. I quickly made my way up the stairs. With another flop of my stomach, I stood outside of my apartment. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to potentially lose Daddy. I wasn’t sure what was going through his mind with everything. I didn’t know how he felt about Del. And my own feelings weren’t even on the table to be opened up. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

Taking one more slow breath, I let my hand fall on the doorknob before twisting it and pushing the door open. I wasn’t surprised to find both men sitting there in silence. It seemed this talk was going to be with me or not at all. Quickly moving to the couch, I forced myself into Daddy’s arms. I needed the safety and security that he gave. I wasn’t sure I could do this.^

Myrick: -Leading Del up the stairs to the little apartment behind and above the store was an automatic path for me. I’d been up here dozens of times since I finally found her again, but it was strange to have someone else who wasn’t Cay in tow. All of this was strange. I had no idea how to process what was going on. I wanted to let Del have his say, to let him get out whatever was obviously weighing heavily on his chest.

I hadn’t seen him this repentant or this clearly beaten down since I’d met him. And I hadn’t seen Cay this terrified since I’d met her. I wasn’t sure how to handle this. Sitting in silence while we waited for her to come up from downstairs was the only thing I could think of, because I literally had no idea what to say.

My heart thumped against the inside of my chest when she walked in and immediately curled into my lap, my arms going around her to pull her close and keep her there. It was what she needed. I knew it just from the look in her eyes. She needed to know I wasn’t going anywhere no matter what happened right now. I leaned in close just for her, whispering against the shell of her ear- This doesn’t change how I feel about you at all, Baby Love. Nothing here does. I’m here until you tell me to go.

-The words were soft, quiet, just a breath against her skin and meant only for her. I gave her that moment, just letting the heat from my skin soak into hers as she slightly relaxed into my embrace before I even acknowledged that he was there- Alright, Del. Whatever you have to say, say it.

Del: -It had been a mercy that things were silent when we walked up the stairs and settled down into the two chairs. Cay walking in had only interrupted that for a moment, and then the awkward silence settled back into place while I let them have their moment. I had no damned idea what I was doing here. I had no clue what I was going to say. I was pretty sure I was going to fuck this up as badly as I had fucked everything else up since the day I started making decisions for myself.

Where was I going to start? I didn’t even know what to tell myself. How do I explain all of this? I started to talk four times, getting a half a word out before starting over as it choked itself into silence in my throat. Finally, I just threw my hands in my lap. There was nothing else to do except throw it out there.- God, I’m a selfish fuck. But your friend, Amelia… she’s a smart woman. Smarter than I’ll ever fucking be. She had me figured out from the minute I opened my mouth. I couldn’t hide shit from her, not even shit I was hiding from myself. -I realized I was babbling, that the two of them would have no real idea what I was talking about, so I started over, back to the beginning of all of this.- Cay, when I walked up to you in the club, I had no idea what I was getting into, none. I thought it was a thing, fun but nothing serious, and then you happened. I don’t know how. I’ve always been the guy who walked away from anything before it got serious, before anyone go feelings involved. But, fuck me, I had feelings for you from the minute your lips hit mine. You can ask him, I don’t fall asleep with people. It’s not my thing. People fall asleep in my bed, and I wind up on the couch or just don’t sleep at all, and then you came along. All I fucking wanted was to wake up with that red hair spread across my pillows or chest or whatever the hell else you wanted to rest your head on. -It was pouring out of me now. After holding back so long, the pressure built up until it was like a dam breaking, words spewing out and telling them everything I’d been afraid to say to even myself-

And then the next damned morning, when I walked downstairs to grab a cup of coffee, there the two of you were, splayed out across the kitchen counter like some kind of crazy wet dream. I wasn’t even upset, cause it was probably the second hottest thing that has even run through my mind. I’m not going to lie.

And it was only the second hottest thing because the first was the same damn situation with me in the middle. -I studied my hands carefully while I let the rest come out. I didn’t have it in me to look Myrick in the eye while I was talking- And no it’s not just about that. It’s not just about the sex. Sex is easy. It’s just an act. The thing that hit me hard, the thing that had me walking across the kitchen to plant that kiss on Daddy over there… -I took a breath, not sure if I should go on but damned certain I couldn’t stop now if I wanted to- I saw a whole hell of a lot more than that. I’m an asshole, but I want both of you. I can’t and I won’t lie and say I don’t. I’m not stupid enough to think I’ll get it, but it’s the first thing I’ve ever really wanted that wasn’t 100% selfish. Maybe that sounds stupid, because wanting to have two people instead of one is probably the definition of selfish, but I want the two of you happy. If that means happy without me, then that’s what it is. I know you found each other. I’m glad you did. -I took a breath finally, now that my lungs were burning from lack of oxygen with the words that had come all in one long exhale. Chancing a glance up at Cay first. I was less scared of her reaction to this than Myrick’s. She could slap me or yell at me again. I deserved both of those. I was entirely afraid I’d broken him though. I couldn’t bring myself to even try to see-

He deserves happy, and he needs you. -biting down on my lip- He’s been through a lot of bullshit. I was probably part of that bullshit. And like I said. I want you happy. Both of you. Whether I get to be part of that or not. But fuck do I ever want to be part of that. -I glanced away, back down to my hands when I felt the corners of my eyes sting and my throat close up-

Cay: ^I could hear the words echoing in my head. “I want you to be happy.” I was. And the road to get here wasn’t easy. I had already been through so much. My self worth had taken hit after hit with Del. And here he was telling me that he wanted nothing more than me and Daddy to be happy. How was I supposed to react to that?^

Amelia is responsible for a lot of things. But how many weeks ago did she come to you? Should I assume that it was the same time that Myrick came to me? I thought she beat sense into you. I thought she saw you in a way that no one else saw you. But you still took this much time to come to both of us? I don’t know the answer here, Del. I don’t know what to say.

^I took a breath before looking up at Daddy. There was a lot I needed to say, and I had to be honest. The worst part was that I knew that, one way or another, someone was going to be hurt. In reality, they were both going to be hurt. But I couldn’t just sit on this. I couldn’t tell him that he was an asshole for hiding his feelings when I was doing the same. But I needed to have Daddy be okay with this.^

There is nothing I want more than to be sandwiched between the two of you. To submit to both of you is probably one of the hottest things I can imagine. I’ve wanted you from the moment you walked up to me. I’ve wanted someone like you for awhile. And then I met Daddy. And he gave me something that you haven’t been willing to give me. He doesn’t shut me out. He doesn’t hide from me. We talk things through. I take his rules into consideration with every move I make. But if he can’t do this, I’m with him. He came to me first. He showed me that he cared. And he’s the one that we screwed over by hiding. But he’s the one that protects me. He’s the one who makes sure I don’t feel like I’m nothing. I’m constantly reminded that I’m lucky he still wants me after I ran from him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Del: -I was fighting the urge to just give up and walk away, because I was pretty sure I was going to be the one who would end up getting hurt here, and I was pretty sure I deserved it. But I needed to stay here. I had to fight for it, even if that meant fighting with Cay and Myrick.- It was weeks. Yeah, it was the same day. And fuck me if I didn’t screw up. That’s why I’m here, to admit I’m a god damned fuck up. He’s worlds better than me. I’ve always known that. Thanks for reminding me. -I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. The last thing I needed right now was to go off on Cay, even though I could hear the blood rushing through my ears and feel the heat rising up from the collar of my shirt through my neck-

I don’t know what to tell you to say. I’m a fuck up. Tell me to leave. I’ll leave. I’ll walk away right now and let the two of you have it. You won’t ever see me again if that’s the way you want it. -I somehow found the courage to look over at Myrick. I could see he was dumbfounded, but this was as much for him as it was for her- That goes for both of you. I’m not going to kick you out, Ricky. You know that’s not my style, but I’ll leave the city. I’ll go back to Vegas. I don’t want to, but I will. I’d much rather stay, and try to fight for a chance to have something I probably don’t and won’t ever deserve.

I’m lucky you haven’t kicked me out already. -I took a deep breath in, letting it out in one long, shaky exhale.- I don’t know how to convince you to let me try. I didn’t come. I was scared. I was stupid. She came, and what she saw I don’t know. I don’t see it.

Myrick: -Del was babbling, and I was sitting here trying to process everything. I needed to figure out how to protect the girl in my lap from any of the fallout from this first. She was my top priority in all of this. Even if I never figured out how I felt about any of it, I wanted to know how she felt about it.

She wanted this. I knew that. I’d always known that. Del was an idiot for sabotaging that for himself. Some part of me just wanted to open up and tell them both to quit fighting it and just give up already. It was probably inevitable. It didn’t bother me that she wanted him. I was happy just to be able to have the piece of her that I had-

Hey, you two… -I knew my voice was soft, but that it carried. I kept my arms around her and pulled her close to my chest- Just know this. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. Whatever the two of you decide. I honestly have no clue what to tell you about how I feel about you, Del. I’m confused. I’ve been confused for weeks. I’ll figure it out, but it’ll take time either way. I know how I feel about her. And I’m going to protect her from everything I can. If you’re not serious about this, walk away. She can’t do this if you’re not.

-I leaned in closer and brushed a kiss across Cay’s cheek- Baby Love, whatever you say to him changes nothing between us. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going to lose me, and we’re not going to lose this. I promise you. But I know how you feel about him. And I know that something in you is never going to be able to move on unless you give him a chance. That’s ok with me. I need you happy.

Cay: ^He needed me happy. Did I truly deserve to be happy after everything I had put him through? Yet, here he was. Sacrificing what he wanted to give me something I wanted. I wasn’t sure how it was going to work. But I needed him to know that this was never something I was going to take for granted. He needed to know exactly what I felt for him. As the tears started to prick my eyes, I turned so I was looking only at my Daddy. I wasn’t sure if this was the right moment for it, but it needed to be said. My words were only for him, but it didn’t matter if Del heard them. They affected him just as much.^ You make me happy. And while you know that I have feelings for him, I’m in love with you. I can’t do this unless you’re okay with it.

^The subtle nod of Daddy’s head gave me some kind of strength. I needed to address this before I let anything go any further. There was so much going through my head that I wasn’t sure where to begin. But I knew what I wanted to say. I also knew that if I didn’t think everything through, I wasn’t going to give myself the chance to talk myself out of things. Turning away from Daddy, I pegged the man across from me with a stare.

All of this wasn’t just about giving him what he wanted. It was giving the three of us a chance to explore what this was, and if there was a reason to let it grow. But it was also something that could destroy all of us. I couldn’t risk it. I needed everything to be on the table. I needed my rules to be on the table.^ I want to try with you. I want to be the most selfish girl in the world. I want to have a Daddy and a Sir. I want both of you. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t want the two of you to try something together. But I won’t push Daddy into it. If this is what he’s okay with, than this is what we did.

You cannot run. There is no option of running. This isn’t a relationship that will survive if any one of us runs. You cannot shut us out. You can’t shut me out. You can’t shut him out. Because the two of you are going to need to figure out how all of this works. I can be told when and where to be, but the two of you need to work it out. Daddy knows my limitations. Especially since I run a business.

^Looking at the ground, I wasn’t sure how the next part of this would go. I knew what I wanted to say, but I knew Del would beat himself up over all of it. But again, communication was the key to everything here. I couldn’t lie to him about what I needed. I needed this before we could take a step into a playroom.^ We also can’t go into a playroom. Not yet. We need to start from scratch. We need to establish a relationship. I need to trust you again before we take that step. You have to prove to me that this isn’t just about wanting a sub. You claim to want me and Daddy in a way you have never wanted anyone else, so prove it. Show me that I’m not just a hole to stick your dick into.

Myrick: -I just sat and listened, shocked for a moment, but pleasantly so at the words that came out of Cay’s mouth. She had a point, and she was making it eloquently enough. She wasn’t asking for too much, and as much as she was insistent that she was selfish, I saw it as anything but. She didn’t have to give him a chance; she didn’t have to give me a chance either. She could have been selfish and kept herself away from both of us. Instead, she was willing to share herself with both of us. I didn’t think now was the time to tell her so though.

Instead, I leaned in and whispered against her ear as she waited for Del to reply- I love you, too. -tightening my arms around her and pulling her back into my chest again. I hadn’t said those words to anyone in that context in years. No one I had dated, not the last sub I’d worked with, no one, not since my first girlfriend in college when I went and got my heart broken and handed back to me in pieces before I knew what I was doing. This was different than any of that.

I didn’t know how this was going to end, but I hoped it ended for the better. There was every possibility that we were all going to end up hurt, but there was also every possibility that we were all going to end up happy. Right now, the next part of this was all in Del’s hands.-

Del: -Cay was right. There was no denying that. At least she was giving me a chance. I’d just been waiting for her to kick me out all this time. I wouldn’t have blamed her. It was well within what she would have been right to do. I just had my fingers crossed for more. She was laying her rules for this relationship out on the line. I’d lived in the whole BDSM world long enough to be used to rules, only I was the one who was usually laying out rules. Not that I’d had anyone who I’d spent enough time around to have a standing set of rules with anyone, and the more that I thought about it, the more I understood her point. I wasn’t reliable, at least I hadn’t proven myself to be. And trust was everything in what we were going in to. I had to give her a reason to trust me.-

Then we take our time. I’m willing to do it. I want this; I didn’t lie about that. And you’re far from just a hole to stick anything in. If it takes time for you to understand that, then we take however long you need. You’re worth it. -glancing over at Myrick- You’re both worth it. And if you never decide I’m there, then at least I got the chance. That’s more than I should ask for.  

Cay: ^I couldn’t help the small smile that was tugging at my lips as Daddy told me he loved me, too. It wasn’t a sentiment I had ever experienced. But to have it with him was everything to me. I wanted to cry, but I refused to show that kind of weakness. Besides, it hadn’t ever been something I did. I didn’t cry about things. That was a useless thing to do.

I nodded my head as Del spoke his peace. He was willing to go there for me. He was going to do something that he probably hadn’t ever done. He was putting everything aside to give me the chance to get comfortable with him. To trust him again. He was giving into my rules. Taking a breath, I gave him a small smile.^ I’m giving you a chance, Sir. Please don’t let me down.

^I let out an audible groan as my stomach let out a growl. I hadn’t exactly eaten all day. The shop had been busier than normal, and I didn’t want to leave Daddy alone in case someone showed up. But as the minutes passed, I knew what I wanted. It was going to be a hike, but I could have Daddy go grab it while I was counting the drawers. Grabbing the closest piece of paper, I quickly wrote down an order of fried wontons, beef udon, and the mongolian beef dinner special my favorite Thai place had. Holding the paper out to Daddy, I turned my attention back to the man in front of me.^ Can Daddy and I have the night to discuss things? Just so we can set boundaries in our relationship where you are concerned, Sir?

Del: -After expecting to be thrown out since I walked into the place, being asked to leave so they could discuss things was a nice relief. It wasn't forever. It was for one night- You absolutely can. But if he's okay with it, I'd like us to all spend some time together soon. -slides my hands into my pockets nervously before I realize I have to grab my coat and the scarf I stole before I can make an exit. My hands fumble out of the pockets and somehow find their way into the sleeves of the coat I brought without much incident, draping the scarf across my shoulders while my hands still grip the tails that drape across my chest.- I just… I don't want to waste any more time than I already have. -nodding before I make my goodbyes and walk myself down to the front door-

Myrick: -I pocketed the order knowing exactly what she was asking for as I made my way to the stairs behind Del, pausing for only a moment to steal a kiss from Cay before I follow him down- I love you, Baby Love. I'll be back soon. -fingers brushing her hair back behind one ear before I go to let him out the door.

We didn't speak.  I wasn't sure if it was because we'd said everything that there was to be said or because neither of us quite knew what to say to the other. I knew how to unlock the door and let him out, and how to lock it back behind me before I made my way out into the street to go pick up dinner for the two of us. She was going to have her usual, and I was probably going to wind up with mine. It was a comfortable routine, and I loved it.

I paused on the street, my hand going right for Del’s arm- Promise me one thing, Delly. Promise me you won't mess this up. She's good for you. She's good for both of us. And I'm not going to be able to forgive you this time if you ruin this for her. -I was putting a lot into this. I'd forgiven him so many times for so many things, but I meant what I said this time. This was the line-

Del: -Myrick’s hand on my arm wasn't what I expected. Neither were the words that came out of his mouth when I turned to face him, but he was right. He'd always forgiven me, no matter what kind of trouble I'd gotten the both of us into. I knew this time was different. But the sound of my nickname coming from his mouth brought an unbidden grin to my face- I promise, Ricky. I can't afford to fuck this up for either of us. I'm going to give this one all I've got. -I couldn't stop myself from reaching up to pat his cheek with a soft chuckle before I walked off down the street. I'd sent the car off earlier, and I didn't intend to call it back. I needed the time to think, and a walk and maybe a subway ride might give me the time I needed for it.-  

Cay: ^As soon as I heard the door close, I felt myself sag back against the couch for a second. I needed a minute to process everything. Just to take some time to breathe. I didn’t have to worry about keeping a mask on for either of the men that had been sitting in front of me. I wasn’t entirely sure of what was going to happen. There were a million and one different choices in this situation. But it was something I wanted to talk to Daddy about first.

We both could say that things were never going to change, but we knew the reality of our situation. Conversation was always going to be the most important thing. We needed to talk about everything before we could take another step.

Sending him to a Thai place that was on the other side of the Bronx hadn’t been a mistake. I needed the time to consider what I was doing. I needed some time. Besides, in my opinion, Shangrila was one of the best places in the borough. I wanted the Mongolian Beef badly. And for some reason, it was all I could think about.

As I got to the office, I stopped as I stared at the calendar. I hadn’t thought about the days of the week or anything else since I was almost always in the shop. But I felt myself doing the math as I thought back to the last time I had a period. Before I met Del at the club. My eyes went wide as I tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. Two months. At least.

I was moving in autopilot as I counted the money. There was so much going through my head that the obvious question didn’t sink in until I was locking the safe. If I was pregnant, whose was it? Sir and Daddy were both options. Reaching for my cell, I texted Cassi and asked if she could watch over the shop tomorrow. I couldn’t not go to the doctor. I had to know. ^

#IfYouLoveMeDontLetGo

[sinfulmyrick]

If You Love Me, Don’t Let Me Go (SL with @DayDividesNight and @LustByTheHour)

Del: -The car pulled up in front of the shop, and I got out, telling the driver I’d call him back when I needed him and not to wait for me. I had no idea how long this was going to take. It could have been a few minutes or hours. It all depended on how they reacted to what I had to say.

I did know one thing. I couldn’t go in there half-cocked and fly off the handle. That was the one way to ruin everything before it ever started. I could push them away easily enough. That came naturally to me, to push everyone away. But that had been the way I’d fucked them and me up for the past god only knew how many weeks.

I walked up to the doors, but the first thing I caught was a glimpse of her brilliant crimson hair through the glass moving around on the other side of them. Freezing was my first reaction, but it was the wrong one. The air around me was cold, the wind cutting into my jacket like it was made of tissue paper instead of wool and sending a shiver through my frame that had me rubbing my hands together to get more blood flowing into my fingers. I tried to move, but I couldn’t, not until the little voice of reason in my head was screaming at me not to chicken out and lose everything I needed in one stupid move. I was here for a reason, and that reason was waiting inside.

I took in a deep breath, gathering the little bit of courage I could muster and pushed through the door to the tinkling of bells that signaled someone’s arrival in the shop. I hadn’t been wrong. They were both there, and both heads turned to find me standing there in the entrance as I tried to smile, but only managed to turn up one corner of my face into some sort of expression- Hi…

-I knew that wasn’t enough, wasn’t ever going to be enough, but it was the only thing I could think of to start with. The other words would come, but taking my time here was going to be key to not freaking me or either of them out completely-

Myrick: -I heard the bells that signaled the door opening without looking up from the drawing I was working on atop the counter. I was a little lost in the work, a drawing of Cay as she moved around the shop the colors and swirls of her tattoos and hair slowly taking shape in colored pencil as she let me have glimpses of them with each movement.

I’d taken to spending all my free time here. Things were still tense at the house when and if I would see Del. We’d barely spoken to each other, but I had told him I’d talked to Cay. He just sort of nodded and made some kind of incomprehensible sound before he stalked back upstairs. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I made no secret of where I was going every day or who I was spending time with. I didn’t see any point in it. He could get his act together if he decided to on his own.

It was the sound of Cay’s soft gasp that had my attention moving back up to first her face and then following her gaze back to the door before I heard the nervous sound of his greeting. I knew him well enough to know that he was scared out of his mind. I hadn’t seen him like that very often, but there he was now, wearing one of my scarves and his jacket, standing on the welcome mat as the door slowly closed behind him.

My voice caught in my throat, though I wasn’t certain what I would have said anyway. I just looked back to Cay to gauge her reaction to all of this-

Cay: ^It hadn’t taken much to get Amelia and Cassidy to allow Daddy into the shop when we weren’t open. They both knew that he wasn’t a risk, and would spend most of his time behind the counter drawing. He wouldn’t let me see what he was working on, but I knew. I had been his muse since he had started coming. Cassidy was in love with him. She enjoyed seeing him in the shop because he made me happy.

I hadn’t slid down that slope that took my mind out of things in a while. I still did occasionally, but it was always cancelled out by the knowing look from behind the counter. After we opened up about what we wanted to do, we sat down and just talked about everything. I explained what had happened. I knew better than to leave anything out. I told him about how Amelia and Cassidy wanted to give me the shop. As hard as it was for him to hear, I told him about the lapses I had while working.

I never held any of that against Daddy. He was the only truly innocent party here. I could have gone to him at any minute. He had no clue where to find me. It was something I still felt insanely guilty about on bad days. But those were the days I kept my promise to him. I didn’t let myself drown in my misery, I opened up to him. I told him.

Today had been a good day. There weren’t many customers in the store, but I wasn’t entirely surprised. It was chilly, and getting anywhere was a challenge, at best, in this city. But as the door chimed, I felt the entire day shift. I didn’t want to believe what was standing in front of me. I knew the scarf. It was one I had seen a few times over the past few weeks. Except it hadn’t been draped around the man standing in front of the door. It belonged to the man whose gaze was locked on me.

I almost didn’t hear the nervous “hi” come from Del’s lips. I could feel myself starting to drown in confusion. But I didn’t know why he was here. I didn’t know if he wanted to talk. I didn’t know if he was in to shop for something. The last thing I wanted to assume was that he was here to talk to me or Daddy. I had to be professional, though. I couldn’t let this get the best of me.

Closing my eyes, I took another breath before I let my gaze travel up to his eyes. The words that fell from my lips sounded hollow to my ears, but I knew they needed to be said. I knew how to treat the customers that came in here. There was a reason the doms that came in here loved me. They knew I was respectful. But my voice shook as I tried to get the words out.^ Welcome to The Shoppe. I’m Cay, Sir. Let me know if there’s anything I can help you with.

Del: -I could hear the tremble in her voice as she spoke and the formality of the words that came from her lips. I had a lot to make up for, and the sound of the greeting she gave me told me all of that without her saying a single thing about it. She didn’t have to.

My fingers were shaking as I moved to take the scarf from around my neck, shrugging the coat off my shoulders and draping them both over my arm. I took a trepidatious step forward, closer to where she stood. Letting out a soft sigh- Cay… -I glanced over to Myrick, not sure which of them I needed to talk to first, or what I needed to say. - Hey, Ricky. -letting out a long breath again- I just… I owe you both an apology.

-I guessed that was the best place to start. Because it was the damn truth. I owed them both a lot more than an apology-

Myrick: -I was still a little dumbstruck as seeing Del enter the room like that. And I still didn’t know what to say. I was scrambling for a reply when he admitted he owed us both an apology, though I wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for. I was willing to hear him out, but I was waiting to hear exactly what he was going to say before I made a judgement.-

Listen, Del. I think you have a lot to explain, and I’m willing to let you explain it. I’m listening, but I’m not promising anything.

-That was as generous as I could be in the moment, but my heart was in my throat. I didn’t know what he was going to tell me or how I was going to be able to wrap my head around it.-

Cay: ^I knew this wasn’t going to be as easy as getting an apology. There was more to it. We needed explanations. Both of us. And I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready to hear what he needed to say to Daddy. But I knew the truth. Whatever was going to come from Del’s mouth was going to create a problem.

I had been good about closing off the wall of feelings I had. I didn’t let Daddy see them. I tried to keep them to myself. I didn’t want Daddy thinking I ever was settling. I wasn’t, and I never had. It was a different way of being complete. It was something I liked. I trusted in what Daddy was giving me. Because I knew to him, it wasn’t about the sex or the control. It was making sure I was in a safe place to give up the control.

I knew with Daddy that there didn’t have to be sex. I could ask for a night of just cuddles, and he would absolutely respect that. With Del, I feared what I would be used for. And being used wasn’t something I could afford.

Taking a breath, I looked at the floor and started to make my way towards the back. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be here while the two of them were talking. I didn’t want to know what I had screwed up with the two of them. Daddy would just tell me I did nothing wrong. Del, who knew. But the truth ran through my mind more than enough times. If I had just stayed at the club, none of this would have happened. My voice was soft as I tried to choke the words out.^ I’ll give the two of you a minute.

Del: -I could hear the sound in her voice, the one that was saying everything to her that my mind had been saying to me over the past few weeks. And that was the last fucking thing I wanted. I wanted her to know how much I needed her, and I didn’t know if I needed to ask her to stay or let her go. I did know that her going was the last thing I wanted to happen.- No, please stay, Cay. I… I need to talk to both of you.

-I wanted to walk over to her, but I wasn’t sure how she’d react, so I just left her be over on the other side of the room. I needed them both closer. This talking out loud across the shelves and racks in the shop was more than I could take. I had to be able to look both of them in the eyes and tell them what I had to say.

I was taking a huge chance here, and I could only hope that it turned out the way I needed it to, that I hadn’t fucked it up past all repair.-

Myrick: -My eyes were dancing back and forth between the two of them like watching a tennis match, waiting to see what was going to happen before I stepped in and spoke, but something told me I needed to speak up or the two of them were never going to get themselves together. Resting my hands on the glass counter top, my stool slid across the tiled floor with an odd scraping sound before I had room to stand up and walk around to the other side of the counter, with a long glance at Cay-

Baby Love, why don’t you go close up shop for awhile and we can talk without being interrupted. I think we’ve all got a lot to say, and no one else needs to walk in on the middle of this. It’s almost time anyhow. A few minutes early won’t matter.

-I tried to offer her a reassuring smile. I knew I needed it as much as she did. I had no idea what was coming, but I had my fingers crossed it wasn’t going to be some of the wrecking ball style stuff that Del was famous for.-

Cay: ^I nodded my head and slowly moved to flip the sign on the door and slid the lock closed. Daddy was right, and there was no arguing with him. I didn’t know where we were going, but I almost didn’t want to know. Because I knew what was standing right in front of me. And I was fucking terrified. Taking the widest path possible, I moved behind the counter and pressed myself as close to Daddy as I could.

I wasn’t even sure how to react. I felt like I had lost the ability to speak. I knew there was more I needed to do after all of this was discussed, but I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to focus on anything. It all boiled down to what Del was about to say.

But I needed him to know what Daddy had done for me in the short time we had been together. I needed him to understand what kind of position I was in because of what we had both done.^ I was a wreck before Daddy came to me. I could barely keep my focus at work. And because of that, I didn’t get an amazing opportunity that I should have. I’ve never been boy crazy. I’ve never felt like I needed a guy to make my life worth living. But then I met you and, in turn, Daddy.

I disappeared from Daddy’s life. I barely felt worthy of having that night with you. I definitely didn’t feel like I deserved that morning with Daddy. When you never came back, I felt justified in my feelings. You didn’t come back because I wasn’t good enough for you. I was never going to be the sub you wanted or needed. I couldn’t handle you. That was everything I thought. I beat myself up for weeks trying to believe that I could move on. That it wasn’t me. But that feeling isn’t an easy one to shake.

^Shaking my head, I could already feel all the frustration and fear rolling through my body. This wasn’t easy to talk about, and it was technically a violation of one of Daddy’s rules. But I always told him that I would come to him when I was feeling down. We would talk about it. Even if it turned into me crying hysterically because I wasn’t enough. Turning my head to Daddy, I let my voice drop to a whisper. A soft moment for the two of us where I knew my own mind was going to get the best of me.^ This is going to send me down a slippery hill, Daddy. And I’m going to struggle. Please don’t punish me if I go too far.

Myrick: -I leaned in to her, tightening my arm around Cay’s waist as she whispered. I knew she was protecting herself the best she could, and I wasn't going to hold that against her. Neither of us knew what to expect out of Del right now and the way she felt about him was precarious at best. She tried not to let me see, but I knew without her talking.  I didn't hold her feelings for him against her, either. She couldn't help them. Hell, my own feelings about him were confusing the life out of me at the moment- it's ok, Baby Love. Just do what you need to do. I'm not going to punish you when you need holding.

-I straightened up to look over to Del, though I kept her curled into my side. He needed to hear what he'd done and the fallout that had resulted from it all. Del did so many things without thinking of anyone but himself. The fact that he was even here now apologizing was amazing, but it wasn't enough- You could have at least told me where to find her, Del. Jesus. -letting out a frustrated sigh- I didn't know. I know you're clearly going through something right now, where you've decided that you don't get to be happy, but I guess that means no one else gets to be happy either. -I didn't know what else to say to him. He was selfish, but he was here  I had to give him credit for that- At least you came. So let's hear your reasoning.

Del. -I listened to everything the two of them had to say to me, letting Cay have her moment to curl into Myrick’s side and call him Daddy. It was frankly nice to see. Ricky deserved that kind of thing, and had for a damned long time. I laid my coat across the counter top and slid my hands into the pockets of my jeans- Because I don't deserve what the two of you have over there. At least not in my mind. I never have. I fucking want it, more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life. And that's why I'm here. -I leaned against the counter and took in a shaky breath. I was scared stupid right now, and I wanted to make sure I didn't screw this up any more than I already had- I fucked up. Okay? I know that. I got scared and I hid from everyone and everything. I'm an idiot. And I probably messed everything up. I'm not dumb or cocky enough to waltz in here and think everything is forgiven or that either of you would even want me in your life after the way I've behaved. I wouldn't blame you for never talking to me again.

-fingers jingling the change in my pocket as I tried to focus. I knew I was babbling and I could feel myself sinking with every admission of how bad I'd messed everything up- I was miserable. And it was my own fault. I'm sorry if I made either of you feel even a quarter of how bad I felt. And it was all my fault. All I had to do was be honest with myself and with the two of you. And to be honest, I'm terrified. I'm terrified at how happy I could be. Because of I'm not happy then I don't have a damned thing to lose. But now, I have everything to lose.

-I looked down at the floor before I could chance a glance up at the two of them. I wasn't even half done with everything I needed to tell them, but I needed to give them a chance to reply. And I had to just breathe for a minute-

Cay: ^I could feel my blood boil at his words. There was one sorry in that entire exchange, and it wasn’t even the most important sorry. It was for making us miserable. That was it. Because it had to be all about Del. It was a trend I was very quickly picking up on. I should have held my tongue. I wasn’t entirely sure what was going to happen, but I couldn’t stand here and let him get away with this. It wasn’t all about him.^

In that entire speech, you said you were sorry one time. You said you were sorry if we were as miserable as you were. So your apology was still self centered. You didn’t apologize to me for losing out on owning a shop I love and put every waking moment into. You didn’t apologize to Daddy for not giving him the information he needed to come after me. Of all the people to apologize to, he deserves it the most. I have spent days and nights apologizing for not coming to him. For waiting for him to come to me. And I owe my boss the world for sending him here. Because she knew how miserable I was. She recognized that Myrick was the only innocent one in this entire situation.

^My hands were fists as I spoke. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to scream. The only thing that kept me grounded was Daddy. I could tolerate a half assed apology to me. I had as much reason to apologize to Del for doing the same thing. But Daddy? Daddy never deserved any of this. I hurt more for him than I hurt for myself.^

You dropped a bomb on him. On a man that struggled to accept what he was as a Daddy already. A man who spent his entire life being groomed for the white picket fence life. And then you walked away. You didn’t say a word. You never gave him a chance to say a word. You avoided him like the plague. You didn’t give him the time of day to understand what was going on in your head. You shut yourself off. Why should I listen? Why should I accept an apology that was self centered? Why should I try to understand what happened? You clearly aren’t trying to understand what happened with either of us individually.

Del: -I heard every word of what she was saying, and none of it was wrong. I was selfish, and self-centered, which was exactly why I didn’t deserve either of them. I’d even fucked up my apology- I’m here, Cay… I came to listen, even if it’s not a skill I’m very comfortable with or good at right now. I’m sorry. You both deserve a hell of a lot better than that, a hell of a lot better than me. And you’re right. Ricky… -I turned to my roommate, offering him the most apologetic look I could muster- You didn’t deserve any of this. You’re worlds better than I will ever be. I know the shit you’ve been through, I was there for most of it, and I still went through the whole damn situation like a bull in a china shop. I’m shitty friend.

-looking over at Cay just in front of him, but smaller so that he could nearly rest his chin on her head- I’m a shitty everything. I’m even shit at apologizing. I’m trying here, though. And I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to give me credit for trying. But he can tell you, I’ve never done anything like this before. And you were right, Amelia is a saint. She’s the only one of us who had enough sense to try fixing the mess I made. I owe her a lot. Even if the two of you decide I’m not worth it.

I know I’m selfish and self-centered. I’ve only been thinking of me for all of my damn life. But that’s not what I want for now. What I want is to think about someone else for the first time in my life. I want to think about you… -looking back up to Myrick- Both of you. And I know that’s a lot to take in Ricky. I know I dropped a bomb in your lap. I know I’m dropping another. And I know it’s going to take a lot of time for us to figure this out, if you two even want to. I just need you to know that I want to.

-takes my hands out of my pockets to thread my fingers together and study my palms for a long moment before I could look up at the two of them. I didn’t deserve to even be here right now. I shouldn’t have barged in on their day unannounced like this, but I was what I was.-

Myrick: -I was just kind of dumbstruck while everything was going down. Cay moved from my side to being in front of me and I rested my hands at her waist, pulling her back into my chest as she leaned forward and let what had been boiling in her mind fly. I could tell there was more there, but she was spent for now. I agreed with everything she said, even though coming to my defense was unnecessary. I was far more worried about her and how all of this had made her feel.

When he started talking, I just froze. I didn’t know what to make of any of this. I’d kind of wiped the whole kiss out of my mind since it happened. I’d chalked it up to something random he decided to do in the heat of the moment. I hadn’t really thought he’d meant it. Though, I had to admit that when I didn’t consciously push it to the back of my mind it popped up unbidden more often than I would admit.

Cay wasn’t wrong when she said I was ill prepared for all of this. My entire upbringing had been getting me ready for law school, to live my parents’ life just like they had. None of this was in the cards for me until it was. Del was the reason for all of that. He’d been the only one to give me the room to figure myself out back then, and as much as he’d been an ass lately, I thought I owed him that much-

Listen, Del. I don’t know what to think. I haven’t for awhile. I know that Cay makes me happy, happier than I’ve been probably ever in my life, and I’m never going to let that go. -I pulled her back in close to me- This is all crazy. Maybe I’m crazy. I’m willing to talk, to try to figure all of this out, if she is. But you fucked up this time, almost past the point of no return.

-I had no idea how I was going to wrap my head around all of this. I’d only said I was willing to talk. I was still so confused about the whole situation involving him. I wasn’t jealous of Cay’s feelings for him. I understood that. I was confused about my feelings for him. Until now, we’d been friends. Things were easy to navigate as friends. This added a whole new dimension to things, one I wasn’t familiar with. It took me out of my hard-won comfort zone and into a whole different place. I had to wrap my head around it, and it wasn’t something I was sure I was going to be able to do-

Cay: ^I didn’t exactly want to listen. I was beyond furious. I didn’t have to. I knew that. I could tell them both that I couldn’t do this and go count the tills. The only thing I could do, right now, was take a breath. I had to stop being irrational. I needed to not fly off the handle. There was absolutely a proper way to do everything. Yelling and screaming at Del was not one of those things.

I hated that he was getting under my skin. I wanted everything to go away. But I couldn’t deny the truth. There was a pull there that I couldn’t deny. And Del was right about one thing. Things felt right when I was with both of them. Granted, being with both of them together was something I still couldn’t begin to think about. I wasn’t going to put Daddy in that place.

But I owed it to Daddy to let Del explain things. We all needed to talk. We needed to figure out where this was going to lead us. Even if we didn’t have an answer tonight, we could at the very least have all of our cards on the table. This wasn’t going to be about me choosing one over the other. If the decision came to that, I knew the answer. But it wasn’t something I wanted to have to do.^ We can stay down here or we can go up to my apartment. Whichever option you feel the most comfortable with. We should talk this out. Responsibly. And without my temper getting into the way.

Del: -I glanced around the shop, taking it in. It was weird to be down here talking all this out with these two. Everything felt like a barrier, standing in between us, something to hide behind, and I was done hiding. Myrick was being forgiving and graceful, like I knew he would be. He would forgive me even when I was wrong, even when I didn’t apologize. It was in his nature, and probably part of the reason I was as spoiled and selfish as I was. I had a friend who made it easy for me.

Cay, on the other hand, wasn’t going to make this easy at all. That was probably exactly what I needed, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. But I knew the two of them were worth the work- Alright, I think we should go upstairs. It might seem a little less weird…

-my hands and shoulders went up in a half shrug- I don’t know. This is awkward, and I know that’s my fault. I just want you two to be as comfortable as possible, so I guess upstairs would be better. I promise to talk this out rationally. I’m not going to lose my cool, but if you do, then I understand. I deserve that too.

-I tried to look Cay in the eye, and I could see that she was raging. I was hoping I didn’t get punched, but that would have been understandable too. Myrick was really all that was holding her back from coming at me full force. She wanted him happy, I could tell by everything she said. And he wanted her happy. It was nice to see if you didn’t also account for the fact that I was keeping that from happening-

Myrick: -my fingers found Cay’s hand, threading between hers to hold her hand in mine. I gave it a gentle squeeze and moved to her side, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead then whisper in her ear- Come on, let’s go upstairs and at least get comfortable while we talk. We have a lot to talk about and standing here in the middle of the shop is not the place for this. -stealing another gentle kiss before I straightened up and glanced up at Del.

I didn’t really have anything to say to him down here. More than anything, I wanted to hear what he had to say to Cay. I’d deal with my issues when we figured out what we were doing, because at this point I honestly had no clue.-

Cay: ^I nodded my head before looking back at the register. I knew what I needed to do before I went up with them. I had to be somewhat responsible. Even if this was going to lead to a downward spiral, I had to be smart with the shop.^ Take him up, Daddy? I need to get the till in the safe. Even if I don’t come back to it tonight, I need to get it into the safe. I can’t risk it.

^With a nod from Daddy, I watched the two men go up the stairs. I knew I wasn’t going to balance the money right now. I couldn’t leave them upstairs alone. But I did need to take a minute to gather my thoughts. As I pulled the till from the register, I thought about what was about to happen.

I wasn’t entirely sure how to handle the situation at hand. I wasn’t even sure how to handle Del showing up. I didn’t know how I’d react if he had shown up while I was alone. I would have fallen to pieces. There was no doubt in my mind. I felt my stomach start to turn as I punched the code into the safe to open it. I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on with me, but I couldn’t afford for the nerves to get the best of me.

Slamming the safe shut, I made sure the store was locked and dark before setting the alarm. I quickly made my way up the stairs. With another flop of my stomach, I stood outside of my apartment. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to potentially lose Daddy. I wasn’t sure what was going through his mind with everything. I didn’t know how he felt about Del. And my own feelings weren’t even on the table to be opened up. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

Taking one more slow breath, I let my hand fall on the doorknob before twisting it and pushing the door open. I wasn’t surprised to find both men sitting there in silence. It seemed this talk was going to be with me or not at all. Quickly moving to the couch, I forced myself into Daddy’s arms. I needed the safety and security that he gave. I wasn’t sure I could do this.^

Myrick: -Leading Del up the stairs to the little apartment behind and above the store was an automatic path for me. I’d been up here dozens of times since I finally found her again, but it was strange to have someone else who wasn’t Cay in tow. All of this was strange. I had no idea how to process what was going on. I wanted to let Del have his say, to let him get out whatever was obviously weighing heavily on his chest.

I hadn’t seen him this repentant or this clearly beaten down since I’d met him. And I hadn’t seen Cay this terrified since I’d met her. I wasn’t sure how to handle this. Sitting in silence while we waited for her to come up from downstairs was the only thing I could think of, because I literally had no idea what to say.

My heart thumped against the inside of my chest when she walked in and immediately curled into my lap, my arms going around her to pull her close and keep her there. It was what she needed. I knew it just from the look in her eyes. She needed to know I wasn’t going anywhere no matter what happened right now. I leaned in close just for her, whispering against the shell of her ear- This doesn’t change how I feel about you at all, Baby Love. Nothing here does. I’m here until you tell me to go.

-The words were soft, quiet, just a breath against her skin and meant only for her. I gave her that moment, just letting the heat from my skin soak into hers as she slightly relaxed into my embrace before I even acknowledged that he was there- Alright, Del. Whatever you have to say, say it.

Del: -It had been a mercy that things were silent when we walked up the stairs and settled down into the two chairs. Cay walking in had only interrupted that for a moment, and then the awkward silence settled back into place while I let them have their moment. I had no damned idea what I was doing here. I had no clue what I was going to say. I was pretty sure I was going to fuck this up as badly as I had fucked everything else up since the day I started making decisions for myself.

Where was I going to start? I didn’t even know what to tell myself. How do I explain all of this? I started to talk four times, getting a half a word out before starting over as it choked itself into silence in my throat. Finally, I just threw my hands in my lap. There was nothing else to do except throw it out there.- God, I’m a selfish fuck. But your friend, Amelia… she’s a smart woman. Smarter than I’ll ever fucking be. She had me figured out from the minute I opened my mouth. I couldn’t hide shit from her, not even shit I was hiding from myself. -I realized I was babbling, that the two of them would have no real idea what I was talking about, so I started over, back to the beginning of all of this.- Cay, when I walked up to you in the club, I had no idea what I was getting into, none. I thought it was a thing, fun but nothing serious, and then you happened. I don’t know how. I’ve always been the guy who walked away from anything before it got serious, before anyone go feelings involved. But, fuck me, I had feelings for you from the minute your lips hit mine. You can ask him, I don’t fall asleep with people. It’s not my thing. People fall asleep in my bed, and I wind up on the couch or just don’t sleep at all, and then you came along. All I fucking wanted was to wake up with that red hair spread across my pillows or chest or whatever the hell else you wanted to rest your head on. -It was pouring out of me now. After holding back so long, the pressure built up until it was like a dam breaking, words spewing out and telling them everything I’d been afraid to say to even myself-

And then the next damned morning, when I walked downstairs to grab a cup of coffee, there the two of you were, splayed out across the kitchen counter like some kind of crazy wet dream. I wasn’t even upset, cause it was probably the second hottest thing that has even run through my mind. I’m not going to lie.

And it was only the second hottest thing because the first was the same damn situation with me in the middle. -I studied my hands carefully while I let the rest come out. I didn’t have it in me to look Myrick in the eye while I was talking- And no it’s not just about that. It’s not just about the sex. Sex is easy. It’s just an act. The thing that hit me hard, the thing that had me walking across the kitchen to plant that kiss on Daddy over there… -I took a breath, not sure if I should go on but damned certain I couldn’t stop now if I wanted to- I saw a whole hell of a lot more than that. I’m an asshole, but I want both of you. I can’t and I won’t lie and say I don’t. I’m not stupid enough to think I’ll get it, but it’s the first thing I’ve ever really wanted that wasn’t 100% selfish. Maybe that sounds stupid, because wanting to have two people instead of one is probably the definition of selfish, but I want the two of you happy. If that means happy without me, then that’s what it is. I know you found each other. I’m glad you did. -I took a breath finally, now that my lungs were burning from lack of oxygen with the words that had come all in one long exhale. Chancing a glance up at Cay first. I was less scared of her reaction to this than Myrick’s. She could slap me or yell at me again. I deserved both of those. I was entirely afraid I’d broken him though. I couldn’t bring myself to even try to see-

He deserves happy, and he needs you. -biting down on my lip- He’s been through a lot of bullshit. I was probably part of that bullshit. And like I said. I want you happy. Both of you. Whether I get to be part of that or not. But fuck do I ever want to be part of that. -I glanced away, back down to my hands when I felt the corners of my eyes sting and my throat close up-

Cay: ^I could hear the words echoing in my head. “I want you to be happy.” I was. And the road to get here wasn’t easy. I had already been through so much. My self worth had taken hit after hit with Del. And here he was telling me that he wanted nothing more than me and Daddy to be happy. How was I supposed to react to that?^

Amelia is responsible for a lot of things. But how many weeks ago did she come to you? Should I assume that it was the same time that Myrick came to me? I thought she beat sense into you. I thought she saw you in a way that no one else saw you. But you still took this much time to come to both of us? I don’t know the answer here, Del. I don’t know what to say.

^I took a breath before looking up at Daddy. There was a lot I needed to say, and I had to be honest. The worst part was that I knew that, one way or another, someone was going to be hurt. In reality, they were both going to be hurt. But I couldn’t just sit on this. I couldn’t tell him that he was an asshole for hiding his feelings when I was doing the same. But I needed to have Daddy be okay with this.^

There is nothing I want more than to be sandwiched between the two of you. To submit to both of you is probably one of the hottest things I can imagine. I’ve wanted you from the moment you walked up to me. I’ve wanted someone like you for awhile. And then I met Daddy. And he gave me something that you haven’t been willing to give me. He doesn’t shut me out. He doesn’t hide from me. We talk things through. I take his rules into consideration with every move I make. But if he can’t do this, I’m with him. He came to me first. He showed me that he cared. And he’s the one that we screwed over by hiding. But he’s the one that protects me. He’s the one who makes sure I don’t feel like I’m nothing. I’m constantly reminded that I’m lucky he still wants me after I ran from him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Del: -I was fighting the urge to just give up and walk away, because I was pretty sure I was going to be the one who would end up getting hurt here, and I was pretty sure I deserved it. But I needed to stay here. I had to fight for it, even if that meant fighting with Cay and Myrick.- It was weeks. Yeah, it was the same day. And fuck me if I didn’t screw up. That’s why I’m here, to admit I’m a god damned fuck up. He’s worlds better than me. I’ve always known that. Thanks for reminding me. -I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. The last thing I needed right now was to go off on Cay, even though I could hear the blood rushing through my ears and feel the heat rising up from the collar of my shirt through my neck-

I don’t know what to tell you to say. I’m a fuck up. Tell me to leave. I’ll leave. I’ll walk away right now and let the two of you have it. You won’t ever see me again if that’s the way you want it. -I somehow found the courage to look over at Myrick. I could see he was dumbfounded, but this was as much for him as it was for her- That goes for both of you. I’m not going to kick you out, Ricky. You know that’s not my style, but I’ll leave the city. I’ll go back to Vegas. I don’t want to, but I will. I’d much rather stay, and try to fight for a chance to have something I probably don’t and won’t ever deserve.

I’m lucky you haven’t kicked me out already. -I took a deep breath in, letting it out in one long, shaky exhale.- I don’t know how to convince you to let me try. I didn’t come. I was scared. I was stupid. She came, and what she saw I don’t know. I don’t see it.

Myrick: -Del was babbling, and I was sitting here trying to process everything. I needed to figure out how to protect the girl in my lap from any of the fallout from this first. She was my top priority in all of this. Even if I never figured out how I felt about any of it, I wanted to know how she felt about it.

She wanted this. I knew that. I’d always known that. Del was an idiot for sabotaging that for himself. Some part of me just wanted to open up and tell them both to quit fighting it and just give up already. It was probably inevitable. It didn’t bother me that she wanted him. I was happy just to be able to have the piece of her that I had-

Hey, you two… -I knew my voice was soft, but that it carried. I kept my arms around her and pulled her close to my chest- Just know this. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. Whatever the two of you decide. I honestly have no clue what to tell you about how I feel about you, Del. I’m confused. I’ve been confused for weeks. I’ll figure it out, but it’ll take time either way. I know how I feel about her. And I’m going to protect her from everything I can. If you’re not serious about this, walk away. She can’t do this if you’re not.

-I leaned in closer and brushed a kiss across Cay’s cheek- Baby Love, whatever you say to him changes nothing between us. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going to lose me, and we’re not going to lose this. I promise you. But I know how you feel about him. And I know that something in you is never going to be able to move on unless you give him a chance. That’s ok with me. I need you happy.

Cay: ^He needed me happy. Did I truly deserve to be happy after everything I had put him through? Yet, here he was. Sacrificing what he wanted to give me something I wanted. I wasn’t sure how it was going to work. But I needed him to know that this was never something I was going to take for granted. He needed to know exactly what I felt for him. As the tears started to prick my eyes, I turned so I was looking only at my Daddy. I wasn’t sure if this was the right moment for it, but it needed to be said. My words were only for him, but it didn’t matter if Del heard them. They affected him just as much.^ You make me happy. And while you know that I have feelings for him, I’m in love with you. I can’t do this unless you’re okay with it.

^The subtle nod of Daddy’s head gave me some kind of strength. I needed to address this before I let anything go any further. There was so much going through my head that I wasn’t sure where to begin. But I knew what I wanted to say. I also knew that if I didn’t think everything through, I wasn’t going to give myself the chance to talk myself out of things. Turning away from Daddy, I pegged the man across from me with a stare.

All of this wasn’t just about giving him what he wanted. It was giving the three of us a chance to explore what this was, and if there was a reason to let it grow. But it was also something that could destroy all of us. I couldn’t risk it. I needed everything to be on the table. I needed my rules to be on the table.^ I want to try with you. I want to be the most selfish girl in the world. I want to have a Daddy and a Sir. I want both of you. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t want the two of you to try something together. But I won’t push Daddy into it. If this is what he’s okay with, than this is what we did.

You cannot run. There is no option of running. This isn’t a relationship that will survive if any one of us runs. You cannot shut us out. You can’t shut me out. You can’t shut him out. Because the two of you are going to need to figure out how all of this works. I can be told when and where to be, but the two of you need to work it out. Daddy knows my limitations. Especially since I run a business.

^Looking at the ground, I wasn’t sure how the next part of this would go. I knew what I wanted to say, but I knew Del would beat himself up over all of it. But again, communication was the key to everything here. I couldn’t lie to him about what I needed. I needed this before we could take a step into a playroom.^ We also can’t go into a playroom. Not yet. We need to start from scratch. We need to establish a relationship. I need to trust you again before we take that step. You have to prove to me that this isn’t just about wanting a sub. You claim to want me and Daddy in a way you have never wanted anyone else, so prove it. Show me that I’m not just a hole to stick your dick into.

Myrick: -I just sat and listened, shocked for a moment, but pleasantly so at the words that came out of Cay’s mouth. She had a point, and she was making it eloquently enough. She wasn’t asking for too much, and as much as she was insistent that she was selfish, I saw it as anything but. She didn’t have to give him a chance; she didn’t have to give me a chance either. She could have been selfish and kept herself away from both of us. Instead, she was willing to share herself with both of us. I didn’t think now was the time to tell her so though.

Instead, I leaned in and whispered against her ear as she waited for Del to reply- I love you, too. -tightening my arms around her and pulling her back into my chest again. I hadn’t said those words to anyone in that context in years. No one I had dated, not the last sub I’d worked with, no one, not since my first girlfriend in college when I went and got my heart broken and handed back to me in pieces before I knew what I was doing. This was different than any of that.

I didn’t know how this was going to end, but I hoped it ended for the better. There was every possibility that we were all going to end up hurt, but there was also every possibility that we were all going to end up happy. Right now, the next part of this was all in Del’s hands.-

Del: -Cay was right. There was no denying that. At least she was giving me a chance. I’d just been waiting for her to kick me out all this time. I wouldn’t have blamed her. It was well within what she would have been right to do. I just had my fingers crossed for more. She was laying her rules for this relationship out on the line. I’d lived in the whole BDSM world long enough to be used to rules, only I was the one who was usually laying out rules. Not that I’d had anyone who I’d spent enough time around to have a standing set of rules with anyone, and the more that I thought about it, the more I understood her point. I wasn’t reliable, at least I hadn’t proven myself to be. And trust was everything in what we were going in to. I had to give her a reason to trust me.-

Then we take our time. I’m willing to do it. I want this; I didn’t lie about that. And you’re far from just a hole to stick anything in. If it takes time for you to understand that, then we take however long you need. You’re worth it. -glancing over at Myrick- You’re both worth it. And if you never decide I’m there, then at least I got the chance. That’s more than I should ask for.  

Cay: ^I couldn’t help the small smile that was tugging at my lips as Daddy told me he loved me, too. It wasn’t a sentiment I had ever experienced. But to have it with him was everything to me. I wanted to cry, but I refused to show that kind of weakness. Besides, it hadn’t ever been something I did. I didn’t cry about things. That was a useless thing to do.

I nodded my head as Del spoke his peace. He was willing to go there for me. He was going to do something that he probably hadn’t ever done. He was putting everything aside to give me the chance to get comfortable with him. To trust him again. He was giving into my rules. Taking a breath, I gave him a small smile.^ I’m giving you a chance, Sir. Please don’t let me down.

^I let out an audible groan as my stomach let out a growl. I hadn’t exactly eaten all day. The shop had been busier than normal, and I didn’t want to leave Daddy alone in case someone showed up. But as the minutes passed, I knew what I wanted. It was going to be a hike, but I could have Daddy go grab it while I was counting the drawers. Grabbing the closest piece of paper, I quickly wrote down an order of fried wontons, beef udon, and the mongolian beef dinner special my favorite Thai place had. Holding the paper out to Daddy, I turned my attention back to the man in front of me.^ Can Daddy and I have the night to discuss things? Just so we can set boundaries in our relationship where you are concerned, Sir?

Del: -After expecting to be thrown out since I walked into the place, being asked to leave so they could discuss things was a nice relief. It wasn't forever. It was for one night- You absolutely can. But if he's okay with it, I'd like us to all spend some time together soon. -slides my hands into my pockets nervously before I realize I have to grab my coat and the scarf I stole before I can make an exit. My hands fumble out of the pockets and somehow find their way into the sleeves of the coat I brought without much incident, draping the scarf across my shoulders while my hands still grip the tails that drape across my chest.- I just… I don't want to waste any more time than I already have. -nodding before I make my goodbyes and walk myself down to the front door-

Myrick: -I pocketed the order knowing exactly what she was asking for as I made my way to the stairs behind Del, pausing for only a moment to steal a kiss from Cay before I follow him down- I love you, Baby Love. I'll be back soon. -fingers brushing her hair back behind one ear before I go to let him out the door.

We didn't speak.  I wasn't sure if it was because we'd said everything that there was to be said or because neither of us quite knew what to say to the other. I knew how to unlock the door and let him out, and how to lock it back behind me before I made my way out into the street to go pick up dinner for the two of us. She was going to have her usual, and I was probably going to wind up with mine. It was a comfortable routine, and I loved it.

I paused on the street, my hand going right for Del’s arm- Promise me one thing, Delly. Promise me you won't mess this up. She's good for you. She's good for both of us. And I'm not going to be able to forgive you this time if you ruin this for her. -I was putting a lot into this. I'd forgiven him so many times for so many things, but I meant what I said this time. This was the line-

Del: -Myrick’s hand on my arm wasn't what I expected. Neither were the words that came out of his mouth when I turned to face him, but he was right. He'd always forgiven me, no matter what kind of trouble I'd gotten the both of us into. I knew this time was different. But the sound of my nickname coming from his mouth brought an unbidden grin to my face- I promise, Ricky. I can't afford to fuck this up for either of us. I'm going to give this one all I've got. -I couldn't stop myself from reaching up to pat his cheek with a soft chuckle before I walked off down the street. I'd sent the car off earlier, and I didn't intend to call it back. I needed the time to think, and a walk and maybe a subway ride might give me the time I needed for it.-  

Cay: ^As soon as I heard the door close, I felt myself sag back against the couch for a second. I needed a minute to process everything. Just to take some time to breathe. I didn’t have to worry about keeping a mask on for either of the men that had been sitting in front of me. I wasn’t entirely sure of what was going to happen. There were a million and one different choices in this situation. But it was something I wanted to talk to Daddy about first.

We both could say that things were never going to change, but we knew the reality of our situation. Conversation was always going to be the most important thing. We needed to talk about everything before we could take another step.

Sending him to a Thai place that was on the other side of the Bronx hadn’t been a mistake. I needed the time to consider what I was doing. I needed some time. Besides, in my opinion, Shangrila was one of the best places in the borough. I wanted the Mongolian Beef badly. And for some reason, it was all I could think about.

As I got to the office, I stopped as I stared at the calendar. I hadn’t thought about the days of the week or anything else since I was almost always in the shop. But I felt myself doing the math as I thought back to the last time I had a period. Before I met Del at the club. My eyes went wide as I tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. Two months. At least.

I was moving in autopilot as I counted the money. There was so much going through my head that the obvious question didn’t sink in until I was locking the safe. If I was pregnant, whose was it? Sir and Daddy were both options. Reaching for my cell, I texted Cassi and asked if she could watch over the shop tomorrow. I couldn’t not go to the doctor. I had to know. ^

#IfYouLoveMeDontLetGo

[lustbythehour]

If You Love Me, Don’t Let Me Go (SL with @DayDividesNight and @SinfulMyrick)

Del: -The car pulled up in front of the shop, and I got out, telling the driver I’d call him back when I needed him and not to wait for me. I had no idea how long this was going to take. It could have been a few minutes or hours. It all depended on how they reacted to what I had to say.

I did know one thing. I couldn’t go in there half-cocked and fly off the handle. That was the one way to ruin everything before it ever started. I could push them away easily enough. That came naturally to me, to push everyone away. But that had been the way I’d fucked them and me up for the past god only knew how many weeks.

I walked up to the doors, but the first thing I caught was a glimpse of her brilliant crimson hair through the glass moving around on the other side of them. Freezing was my first reaction, but it was the wrong one. The air around me was cold, the wind cutting into my jacket like it was made of tissue paper instead of wool and sending a shiver through my frame that had me rubbing my hands together to get more blood flowing into my fingers. I tried to move, but I couldn’t, not until the little voice of reason in my head was screaming at me not to chicken out and lose everything I needed in one stupid move. I was here for a reason, and that reason was waiting inside.

I took in a deep breath, gathering the little bit of courage I could muster and pushed through the door to the tinkling of bells that signaled someone’s arrival in the shop. I hadn’t been wrong. They were both there, and both heads turned to find me standing there in the entrance as I tried to smile, but only managed to turn up one corner of my face into some sort of expression- Hi…

-I knew that wasn’t enough, wasn’t ever going to be enough, but it was the only thing I could think of to start with. The other words would come, but taking my time here was going to be key to not freaking me or either of them out completely-

Myrick: -I heard the bells that signaled the door opening without looking up from the drawing I was working on atop the counter. I was a little lost in the work, a drawing of Cay as she moved around the shop the colors and swirls of her tattoos and hair slowly taking shape in colored pencil as she let me have glimpses of them with each movement.

I’d taken to spending all my free time here. Things were still tense at the house when and if I would see Del. We’d barely spoken to each other, but I had told him I’d talked to Cay. He just sort of nodded and made some kind of incomprehensible sound before he stalked back upstairs. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I made no secret of where I was going every day or who I was spending time with. I didn’t see any point in it. He could get his act together if he decided to on his own.

It was the sound of Cay’s soft gasp that had my attention moving back up to first her face and then following her gaze back to the door before I heard the nervous sound of his greeting. I knew him well enough to know that he was scared out of his mind. I hadn’t seen him like that very often, but there he was now, wearing one of my scarves and his jacket, standing on the welcome mat as the door slowly closed behind him.

My voice caught in my throat, though I wasn’t certain what I would have said anyway. I just looked back to Cay to gauge her reaction to all of this-

Cay: ^It hadn’t taken much to get Amelia and Cassidy to allow Daddy into the shop when we weren’t open. They both knew that he wasn’t a risk, and would spend most of his time behind the counter drawing. He wouldn’t let me see what he was working on, but I knew. I had been his muse since he had started coming. Cassidy was in love with him. She enjoyed seeing him in the shop because he made me happy.

I hadn’t slid down that slope that took my mind out of things in a while. I still did occasionally, but it was always cancelled out by the knowing look from behind the counter. After we opened up about what we wanted to do, we sat down and just talked about everything. I explained what had happened. I knew better than to leave anything out. I told him about how Amelia and Cassidy wanted to give me the shop. As hard as it was for him to hear, I told him about the lapses I had while working.

I never held any of that against Daddy. He was the only truly innocent party here. I could have gone to him at any minute. He had no clue where to find me. It was something I still felt insanely guilty about on bad days. But those were the days I kept my promise to him. I didn’t let myself drown in my misery, I opened up to him. I told him.

Today had been a good day. There weren’t many customers in the store, but I wasn’t entirely surprised. It was chilly, and getting anywhere was a challenge, at best, in this city. But as the door chimed, I felt the entire day shift. I didn’t want to believe what was standing in front of me. I knew the scarf. It was one I had seen a few times over the past few weeks. Except it hadn’t been draped around the man standing in front of the door. It belonged to the man whose gaze was locked on me.

I almost didn’t hear the nervous “hi” come from Del’s lips. I could feel myself starting to drown in confusion. But I didn’t know why he was here. I didn’t know if he wanted to talk. I didn’t know if he was in to shop for something. The last thing I wanted to assume was that he was here to talk to me or Daddy. I had to be professional, though. I couldn’t let this get the best of me.

Closing my eyes, I took another breath before I let my gaze travel up to his eyes. The words that fell from my lips sounded hollow to my ears, but I knew they needed to be said. I knew how to treat the customers that came in here. There was a reason the doms that came in here loved me. They knew I was respectful. But my voice shook as I tried to get the words out.^ Welcome to The Shoppe. I’m Cay, Sir. Let me know if there’s anything I can help you with.

Del: -I could hear the tremble in her voice as she spoke and the formality of the words that came from her lips. I had a lot to make up for, and the sound of the greeting she gave me told me all of that without her saying a single thing about it. She didn’t have to.

My fingers were shaking as I moved to take the scarf from around my neck, shrugging the coat off my shoulders and draping them both over my arm. I took a trepidatious step forward, closer to where she stood. Letting out a soft sigh- Cay… -I glanced over to Myrick, not sure which of them I needed to talk to first, or what I needed to say. - Hey, Ricky. -letting out a long breath again- I just… I owe you both an apology.

-I guessed that was the best place to start. Because it was the damn truth. I owed them both a lot more than an apology-

Myrick: -I was still a little dumbstruck as seeing Del enter the room like that. And I still didn’t know what to say. I was scrambling for a reply when he admitted he owed us both an apology, though I wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for. I was willing to hear him out, but I was waiting to hear exactly what he was going to say before I made a judgement.-

Listen, Del. I think you have a lot to explain, and I’m willing to let you explain it. I’m listening, but I’m not promising anything.

-That was as generous as I could be in the moment, but my heart was in my throat. I didn’t know what he was going to tell me or how I was going to be able to wrap my head around it.-

Cay: ^I knew this wasn’t going to be as easy as getting an apology. There was more to it. We needed explanations. Both of us. And I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready to hear what he needed to say to Daddy. But I knew the truth. Whatever was going to come from Del’s mouth was going to create a problem.

I had been good about closing off the wall of feelings I had. I didn’t let Daddy see them. I tried to keep them to myself. I didn’t want Daddy thinking I ever was settling. I wasn’t, and I never had. It was a different way of being complete. It was something I liked. I trusted in what Daddy was giving me. Because I knew to him, it wasn’t about the sex or the control. It was making sure I was in a safe place to give up the control.

I knew with Daddy that there didn’t have to be sex. I could ask for a night of just cuddles, and he would absolutely respect that. With Del, I feared what I would be used for. And being used wasn’t something I could afford.

Taking a breath, I looked at the floor and started to make my way towards the back. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be here while the two of them were talking. I didn’t want to know what I had screwed up with the two of them. Daddy would just tell me I did nothing wrong. Del, who knew. But the truth ran through my mind more than enough times. If I had just stayed at the club, none of this would have happened. My voice was soft as I tried to choke the words out.^ I’ll give the two of you a minute.

Del: -I could hear the sound in her voice, the one that was saying everything to her that my mind had been saying to me over the past few weeks. And that was the last fucking thing I wanted. I wanted her to know how much I needed her, and I didn’t know if I needed to ask her to stay or let her go. I did know that her going was the last thing I wanted to happen.- No, please stay, Cay. I… I need to talk to both of you.

-I wanted to walk over to her, but I wasn’t sure how she’d react, so I just left her be over on the other side of the room. I needed them both closer. This talking out loud across the shelves and racks in the shop was more than I could take. I had to be able to look both of them in the eyes and tell them what I had to say.

I was taking a huge chance here, and I could only hope that it turned out the way I needed it to, that I hadn’t fucked it up past all repair.-

Myrick: -My eyes were dancing back and forth between the two of them like watching a tennis match, waiting to see what was going to happen before I stepped in and spoke, but something told me I needed to speak up or the two of them were never going to get themselves together. Resting my hands on the glass counter top, my stool slid across the tiled floor with an odd scraping sound before I had room to stand up and walk around to the other side of the counter, with a long glance at Cay-

Baby Love, why don’t you go close up shop for awhile and we can talk without being interrupted. I think we’ve all got a lot to say, and no one else needs to walk in on the middle of this. It’s almost time anyhow. A few minutes early won’t matter.

-I tried to offer her a reassuring smile. I knew I needed it as much as she did. I had no idea what was coming, but I had my fingers crossed it wasn’t going to be some of the wrecking ball style stuff that Del was famous for.-

Cay: ^I nodded my head and slowly moved to flip the sign on the door and slid the lock closed. Daddy was right, and there was no arguing with him. I didn’t know where we were going, but I almost didn’t want to know. Because I knew what was standing right in front of me. And I was fucking terrified. Taking the widest path possible, I moved behind the counter and pressed myself as close to Daddy as I could.

I wasn’t even sure how to react. I felt like I had lost the ability to speak. I knew there was more I needed to do after all of this was discussed, but I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to focus on anything. It all boiled down to what Del was about to say.

But I needed him to know what Daddy had done for me in the short time we had been together. I needed him to understand what kind of position I was in because of what we had both done.^ I was a wreck before Daddy came to me. I could barely keep my focus at work. And because of that, I didn’t get an amazing opportunity that I should have. I’ve never been boy crazy. I’ve never felt like I needed a guy to make my life worth living. But then I met you and, in turn, Daddy.

I disappeared from Daddy’s life. I barely felt worthy of having that night with you. I definitely didn’t feel like I deserved that morning with Daddy. When you never came back, I felt justified in my feelings. You didn’t come back because I wasn’t good enough for you. I was never going to be the sub you wanted or needed. I couldn’t handle you. That was everything I thought. I beat myself up for weeks trying to believe that I could move on. That it wasn’t me. But that feeling isn’t an easy one to shake.

^Shaking my head, I could already feel all the frustration and fear rolling through my body. This wasn’t easy to talk about, and it was technically a violation of one of Daddy’s rules. But I always told him that I would come to him when I was feeling down. We would talk about it. Even if it turned into me crying hysterically because I wasn’t enough. Turning my head to Daddy, I let my voice drop to a whisper. A soft moment for the two of us where I knew my own mind was going to get the best of me.^ This is going to send me down a slippery hill, Daddy. And I’m going to struggle. Please don’t punish me if I go too far.

Myrick: -I leaned in to her, tightening my arm around Cay’s waist as she whispered. I knew she was protecting herself the best she could, and I wasn't going to hold that against her. Neither of us knew what to expect out of Del right now and the way she felt about him was precarious at best. She tried not to let me see, but I knew without her talking.  I didn't hold her feelings for him against her, either. She couldn't help them. Hell, my own feelings about him were confusing the life out of me at the moment- it's ok, Baby Love. Just do what you need to do. I'm not going to punish you when you need holding.

-I straightened up to look over to Del, though I kept her curled into my side. He needed to hear what he'd done and the fallout that had resulted from it all. Del did so many things without thinking of anyone but himself. The fact that he was even here now apologizing was amazing, but it wasn't enough- You could have at least told me where to find her, Del. Jesus. -letting out a frustrated sigh- I didn't know. I know you're clearly going through something right now, where you've decided that you don't get to be happy, but I guess that means no one else gets to be happy either. -I didn't know what else to say to him. He was selfish, but he was here  I had to give him credit for that- At least you came. So let's hear your reasoning.

Del. -I listened to everything the two of them had to say to me, letting Cay have her moment to curl into Myrick’s side and call him Daddy. It was frankly nice to see. Ricky deserved that kind of thing, and had for a damned long time. I laid my coat across the counter top and slid my hands into the pockets of my jeans- Because I don't deserve what the two of you have over there. At least not in my mind. I never have. I fucking want it, more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life. And that's why I'm here. -I leaned against the counter and took in a shaky breath. I was scared stupid right now, and I wanted to make sure I didn't screw this up any more than I already had- I fucked up. Okay? I know that. I got scared and I hid from everyone and everything. I'm an idiot. And I probably messed everything up. I'm not dumb or cocky enough to waltz in here and think everything is forgiven or that either of you would even want me in your life after the way I've behaved. I wouldn't blame you for never talking to me again.

-fingers jingling the change in my pocket as I tried to focus. I knew I was babbling and I could feel myself sinking with every admission of how bad I'd messed everything up- I was miserable. And it was my own fault. I'm sorry if I made either of you feel even a quarter of how bad I felt. And it was all my fault. All I had to do was be honest with myself and with the two of you. And to be honest, I'm terrified. I'm terrified at how happy I could be. Because of I'm not happy then I don't have a damned thing to lose. But now, I have everything to lose.

-I looked down at the floor before I could chance a glance up at the two of them. I wasn't even half done with everything I needed to tell them, but I needed to give them a chance to reply. And I had to just breathe for a minute-

Cay: ^I could feel my blood boil at his words. There was one sorry in that entire exchange, and it wasn’t even the most important sorry. It was for making us miserable. That was it. Because it had to be all about Del. It was a trend I was very quickly picking up on. I should have held my tongue. I wasn’t entirely sure what was going to happen, but I couldn’t stand here and let him get away with this. It wasn’t all about him.^

In that entire speech, you said you were sorry one time. You said you were sorry if we were as miserable as you were. So your apology was still self centered. You didn’t apologize to me for losing out on owning a shop I love and put every waking moment into. You didn’t apologize to Daddy for not giving him the information he needed to come after me. Of all the people to apologize to, he deserves it the most. I have spent days and nights apologizing for not coming to him. For waiting for him to come to me. And I owe my boss the world for sending him here. Because she knew how miserable I was. She recognized that Myrick was the only innocent one in this entire situation.

^My hands were fists as I spoke. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to scream. The only thing that kept me grounded was Daddy. I could tolerate a half assed apology to me. I had as much reason to apologize to Del for doing the same thing. But Daddy? Daddy never deserved any of this. I hurt more for him than I hurt for myself.^

You dropped a bomb on him. On a man that struggled to accept what he was as a Daddy already. A man who spent his entire life being groomed for the white picket fence life. And then you walked away. You didn’t say a word. You never gave him a chance to say a word. You avoided him like the plague. You didn’t give him the time of day to understand what was going on in your head. You shut yourself off. Why should I listen? Why should I accept an apology that was self centered? Why should I try to understand what happened? You clearly aren’t trying to understand what happened with either of us individually.

Del: -I heard every word of what she was saying, and none of it was wrong. I was selfish, and self-centered, which was exactly why I didn’t deserve either of them. I’d even fucked up my apology- I’m here, Cay… I came to listen, even if it’s not a skill I’m very comfortable with or good at right now. I’m sorry. You both deserve a hell of a lot better than that, a hell of a lot better than me. And you’re right. Ricky… -I turned to my roommate, offering him the most apologetic look I could muster- You didn’t deserve any of this. You’re worlds better than I will ever be. I know the shit you’ve been through, I was there for most of it, and I still went through the whole damn situation like a bull in a china shop. I’m shitty friend.

-looking over at Cay just in front of him, but smaller so that he could nearly rest his chin on her head- I’m a shitty everything. I’m even shit at apologizing. I’m trying here, though. And I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to give me credit for trying. But he can tell you, I’ve never done anything like this before. And you were right, Amelia is a saint. She’s the only one of us who had enough sense to try fixing the mess I made. I owe her a lot. Even if the two of you decide I’m not worth it.

I know I’m selfish and self-centered. I’ve only been thinking of me for all of my damn life. But that’s not what I want for now. What I want is to think about someone else for the first time in my life. I want to think about you… -looking back up to Myrick- Both of you. And I know that’s a lot to take in Ricky. I know I dropped a bomb in your lap. I know I’m dropping another. And I know it’s going to take a lot of time for us to figure this out, if you two even want to. I just need you to know that I want to.

-takes my hands out of my pockets to thread my fingers together and study my palms for a long moment before I could look up at the two of them. I didn’t deserve to even be here right now. I shouldn’t have barged in on their day unannounced like this, but I was what I was.-

Myrick: -I was just kind of dumbstruck while everything was going down. Cay moved from my side to being in front of me and I rested my hands at her waist, pulling her back into my chest as she leaned forward and let what had been boiling in her mind fly. I could tell there was more there, but she was spent for now. I agreed with everything she said, even though coming to my defense was unnecessary. I was far more worried about her and how all of this had made her feel.

When he started talking, I just froze. I didn’t know what to make of any of this. I’d kind of wiped the whole kiss out of my mind since it happened. I’d chalked it up to something random he decided to do in the heat of the moment. I hadn’t really thought he’d meant it. Though, I had to admit that when I didn’t consciously push it to the back of my mind it popped up unbidden more often than I would admit.

Cay wasn’t wrong when she said I was ill prepared for all of this. My entire upbringing had been getting me ready for law school, to live my parents’ life just like they had. None of this was in the cards for me until it was. Del was the reason for all of that. He’d been the only one to give me the room to figure myself out back then, and as much as he’d been an ass lately, I thought I owed him that much-

Listen, Del. I don’t know what to think. I haven’t for awhile. I know that Cay makes me happy, happier than I’ve been probably ever in my life, and I’m never going to let that go. -I pulled her back in close to me- This is all crazy. Maybe I’m crazy. I’m willing to talk, to try to figure all of this out, if she is. But you fucked up this time, almost past the point of no return.

-I had no idea how I was going to wrap my head around all of this. I’d only said I was willing to talk. I was still so confused about the whole situation involving him. I wasn’t jealous of Cay’s feelings for him. I understood that. I was confused about my feelings for him. Until now, we’d been friends. Things were easy to navigate as friends. This added a whole new dimension to things, one I wasn’t familiar with. It took me out of my hard-won comfort zone and into a whole different place. I had to wrap my head around it, and it wasn’t something I was sure I was going to be able to do-

Cay: ^I didn’t exactly want to listen. I was beyond furious. I didn’t have to. I knew that. I could tell them both that I couldn’t do this and go count the tills. The only thing I could do, right now, was take a breath. I had to stop being irrational. I needed to not fly off the handle. There was absolutely a proper way to do everything. Yelling and screaming at Del was not one of those things.

I hated that he was getting under my skin. I wanted everything to go away. But I couldn’t deny the truth. There was a pull there that I couldn’t deny. And Del was right about one thing. Things felt right when I was with both of them. Granted, being with both of them together was something I still couldn’t begin to think about. I wasn’t going to put Daddy in that place.

But I owed it to Daddy to let Del explain things. We all needed to talk. We needed to figure out where this was going to lead us. Even if we didn’t have an answer tonight, we could at the very least have all of our cards on the table. This wasn’t going to be about me choosing one over the other. If the decision came to that, I knew the answer. But it wasn’t something I wanted to have to do.^ We can stay down here or we can go up to my apartment. Whichever option you feel the most comfortable with. We should talk this out. Responsibly. And without my temper getting into the way.

Del: -I glanced around the shop, taking it in. It was weird to be down here talking all this out with these two. Everything felt like a barrier, standing in between us, something to hide behind, and I was done hiding. Myrick was being forgiving and graceful, like I knew he would be. He would forgive me even when I was wrong, even when I didn’t apologize. It was in his nature, and probably part of the reason I was as spoiled and selfish as I was. I had a friend who made it easy for me.

Cay, on the other hand, wasn’t going to make this easy at all. That was probably exactly what I needed, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. But I knew the two of them were worth the work- Alright, I think we should go upstairs. It might seem a little less weird…

-my hands and shoulders went up in a half shrug- I don’t know. This is awkward, and I know that’s my fault. I just want you two to be as comfortable as possible, so I guess upstairs would be better. I promise to talk this out rationally. I’m not going to lose my cool, but if you do, then I understand. I deserve that too.

-I tried to look Cay in the eye, and I could see that she was raging. I was hoping I didn’t get punched, but that would have been understandable too. Myrick was really all that was holding her back from coming at me full force. She wanted him happy, I could tell by everything she said. And he wanted her happy. It was nice to see if you didn’t also account for the fact that I was keeping that from happening-

Myrick: -my fingers found Cay’s hand, threading between hers to hold her hand in mine. I gave it a gentle squeeze and moved to her side, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead then whisper in her ear- Come on, let’s go upstairs and at least get comfortable while we talk. We have a lot to talk about and standing here in the middle of the shop is not the place for this. -stealing another gentle kiss before I straightened up and glanced up at Del.

I didn’t really have anything to say to him down here. More than anything, I wanted to hear what he had to say to Cay. I’d deal with my issues when we figured out what we were doing, because at this point I honestly had no clue.-

Cay: ^I nodded my head before looking back at the register. I knew what I needed to do before I went up with them. I had to be somewhat responsible. Even if this was going to lead to a downward spiral, I had to be smart with the shop.^ Take him up, Daddy? I need to get the till in the safe. Even if I don’t come back to it tonight, I need to get it into the safe. I can’t risk it.

^With a nod from Daddy, I watched the two men go up the stairs. I knew I wasn’t going to balance the money right now. I couldn’t leave them upstairs alone. But I did need to take a minute to gather my thoughts. As I pulled the till from the register, I thought about what was about to happen.

I wasn’t entirely sure how to handle the situation at hand. I wasn’t even sure how to handle Del showing up. I didn’t know how I’d react if he had shown up while I was alone. I would have fallen to pieces. There was no doubt in my mind. I felt my stomach start to turn as I punched the code into the safe to open it. I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on with me, but I couldn’t afford for the nerves to get the best of me.

Slamming the safe shut, I made sure the store was locked and dark before setting the alarm. I quickly made my way up the stairs. With another flop of my stomach, I stood outside of my apartment. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to potentially lose Daddy. I wasn’t sure what was going through his mind with everything. I didn’t know how he felt about Del. And my own feelings weren’t even on the table to be opened up. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

Taking one more slow breath, I let my hand fall on the doorknob before twisting it and pushing the door open. I wasn’t surprised to find both men sitting there in silence. It seemed this talk was going to be with me or not at all. Quickly moving to the couch, I forced myself into Daddy’s arms. I needed the safety and security that he gave. I wasn’t sure I could do this.^

Myrick: -Leading Del up the stairs to the little apartment behind and above the store was an automatic path for me. I’d been up here dozens of times since I finally found her again, but it was strange to have someone else who wasn’t Cay in tow. All of this was strange. I had no idea how to process what was going on. I wanted to let Del have his say, to let him get out whatever was obviously weighing heavily on his chest.

I hadn’t seen him this repentant or this clearly beaten down since I’d met him. And I hadn’t seen Cay this terrified since I’d met her. I wasn’t sure how to handle this. Sitting in silence while we waited for her to come up from downstairs was the only thing I could think of, because I literally had no idea what to say.

My heart thumped against the inside of my chest when she walked in and immediately curled into my lap, my arms going around her to pull her close and keep her there. It was what she needed. I knew it just from the look in her eyes. She needed to know I wasn’t going anywhere no matter what happened right now. I leaned in close just for her, whispering against the shell of her ear- This doesn’t change how I feel about you at all, Baby Love. Nothing here does. I’m here until you tell me to go.

-The words were soft, quiet, just a breath against her skin and meant only for her. I gave her that moment, just letting the heat from my skin soak into hers as she slightly relaxed into my embrace before I even acknowledged that he was there- Alright, Del. Whatever you have to say, say it.

Del: -It had been a mercy that things were silent when we walked up the stairs and settled down into the two chairs. Cay walking in had only interrupted that for a moment, and then the awkward silence settled back into place while I let them have their moment. I had no damned idea what I was doing here. I had no clue what I was going to say. I was pretty sure I was going to fuck this up as badly as I had fucked everything else up since the day I started making decisions for myself.

Where was I going to start? I didn’t even know what to tell myself. How do I explain all of this? I started to talk four times, getting a half a word out before starting over as it choked itself into silence in my throat. Finally, I just threw my hands in my lap. There was nothing else to do except throw it out there.- God, I’m a selfish fuck. But your friend, Amelia… she’s a smart woman. Smarter than I’ll ever fucking be. She had me figured out from the minute I opened my mouth. I couldn’t hide shit from her, not even shit I was hiding from myself. -I realized I was babbling, that the two of them would have no real idea what I was talking about, so I started over, back to the beginning of all of this.- Cay, when I walked up to you in the club, I had no idea what I was getting into, none. I thought it was a thing, fun but nothing serious, and then you happened. I don’t know how. I’ve always been the guy who walked away from anything before it got serious, before anyone go feelings involved. But, fuck me, I had feelings for you from the minute your lips hit mine. You can ask him, I don’t fall asleep with people. It’s not my thing. People fall asleep in my bed, and I wind up on the couch or just don’t sleep at all, and then you came along. All I fucking wanted was to wake up with that red hair spread across my pillows or chest or whatever the hell else you wanted to rest your head on. -It was pouring out of me now. After holding back so long, the pressure built up until it was like a dam breaking, words spewing out and telling them everything I’d been afraid to say to even myself-

And then the next damned morning, when I walked downstairs to grab a cup of coffee, there the two of you were, splayed out across the kitchen counter like some kind of crazy wet dream. I wasn’t even upset, cause it was probably the second hottest thing that has even run through my mind. I’m not going to lie.

And it was only the second hottest thing because the first was the same damn situation with me in the middle. -I studied my hands carefully while I let the rest come out. I didn’t have it in me to look Myrick in the eye while I was talking- And no it’s not just about that. It’s not just about the sex. Sex is easy. It’s just an act. The thing that hit me hard, the thing that had me walking across the kitchen to plant that kiss on Daddy over there… -I took a breath, not sure if I should go on but damned certain I couldn’t stop now if I wanted to- I saw a whole hell of a lot more than that. I’m an asshole, but I want both of you. I can’t and I won’t lie and say I don’t. I’m not stupid enough to think I’ll get it, but it’s the first thing I’ve ever really wanted that wasn’t 100% selfish. Maybe that sounds stupid, because wanting to have two people instead of one is probably the definition of selfish, but I want the two of you happy. If that means happy without me, then that’s what it is. I know you found each other. I’m glad you did. -I took a breath finally, now that my lungs were burning from lack of oxygen with the words that had come all in one long exhale. Chancing a glance up at Cay first. I was less scared of her reaction to this than Myrick’s. She could slap me or yell at me again. I deserved both of those. I was entirely afraid I’d broken him though. I couldn’t bring myself to even try to see-

He deserves happy, and he needs you. -biting down on my lip- He’s been through a lot of bullshit. I was probably part of that bullshit. And like I said. I want you happy. Both of you. Whether I get to be part of that or not. But fuck do I ever want to be part of that. -I glanced away, back down to my hands when I felt the corners of my eyes sting and my throat close up-

Cay: ^I could hear the words echoing in my head. “I want you to be happy.” I was. And the road to get here wasn’t easy. I had already been through so much. My self worth had taken hit after hit with Del. And here he was telling me that he wanted nothing more than me and Daddy to be happy. How was I supposed to react to that?^

Amelia is responsible for a lot of things. But how many weeks ago did she come to you? Should I assume that it was the same time that Myrick came to me? I thought she beat sense into you. I thought she saw you in a way that no one else saw you. But you still took this much time to come to both of us? I don’t know the answer here, Del. I don’t know what to say.

^I took a breath before looking up at Daddy. There was a lot I needed to say, and I had to be honest. The worst part was that I knew that, one way or another, someone was going to be hurt. In reality, they were both going to be hurt. But I couldn’t just sit on this. I couldn’t tell him that he was an asshole for hiding his feelings when I was doing the same. But I needed to have Daddy be okay with this.^

There is nothing I want more than to be sandwiched between the two of you. To submit to both of you is probably one of the hottest things I can imagine. I’ve wanted you from the moment you walked up to me. I’ve wanted someone like you for awhile. And then I met Daddy. And he gave me something that you haven’t been willing to give me. He doesn’t shut me out. He doesn’t hide from me. We talk things through. I take his rules into consideration with every move I make. But if he can’t do this, I’m with him. He came to me first. He showed me that he cared. And he’s the one that we screwed over by hiding. But he’s the one that protects me. He’s the one who makes sure I don’t feel like I’m nothing. I’m constantly reminded that I’m lucky he still wants me after I ran from him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Del: -I was fighting the urge to just give up and walk away, because I was pretty sure I was going to be the one who would end up getting hurt here, and I was pretty sure I deserved it. But I needed to stay here. I had to fight for it, even if that meant fighting with Cay and Myrick.- It was weeks. Yeah, it was the same day. And fuck me if I didn’t screw up. That’s why I’m here, to admit I’m a god damned fuck up. He’s worlds better than me. I’ve always known that. Thanks for reminding me. -I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. The last thing I needed right now was to go off on Cay, even though I could hear the blood rushing through my ears and feel the heat rising up from the collar of my shirt through my neck-

I don’t know what to tell you to say. I’m a fuck up. Tell me to leave. I’ll leave. I’ll walk away right now and let the two of you have it. You won’t ever see me again if that’s the way you want it. -I somehow found the courage to look over at Myrick. I could see he was dumbfounded, but this was as much for him as it was for her- That goes for both of you. I’m not going to kick you out, Ricky. You know that’s not my style, but I’ll leave the city. I’ll go back to Vegas. I don’t want to, but I will. I’d much rather stay, and try to fight for a chance to have something I probably don’t and won’t ever deserve.

I’m lucky you haven’t kicked me out already. -I took a deep breath in, letting it out in one long, shaky exhale.- I don’t know how to convince you to let me try. I didn’t come. I was scared. I was stupid. She came, and what she saw I don’t know. I don’t see it.

Myrick: -Del was babbling, and I was sitting here trying to process everything. I needed to figure out how to protect the girl in my lap from any of the fallout from this first. She was my top priority in all of this. Even if I never figured out how I felt about any of it, I wanted to know how she felt about it.

She wanted this. I knew that. I’d always known that. Del was an idiot for sabotaging that for himself. Some part of me just wanted to open up and tell them both to quit fighting it and just give up already. It was probably inevitable. It didn’t bother me that she wanted him. I was happy just to be able to have the piece of her that I had-

Hey, you two… -I knew my voice was soft, but that it carried. I kept my arms around her and pulled her close to my chest- Just know this. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. Whatever the two of you decide. I honestly have no clue what to tell you about how I feel about you, Del. I’m confused. I’ve been confused for weeks. I’ll figure it out, but it’ll take time either way. I know how I feel about her. And I’m going to protect her from everything I can. If you’re not serious about this, walk away. She can’t do this if you’re not.

-I leaned in closer and brushed a kiss across Cay’s cheek- Baby Love, whatever you say to him changes nothing between us. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going to lose me, and we’re not going to lose this. I promise you. But I know how you feel about him. And I know that something in you is never going to be able to move on unless you give him a chance. That’s ok with me. I need you happy.

Cay: ^He needed me happy. Did I truly deserve to be happy after everything I had put him through? Yet, here he was. Sacrificing what he wanted to give me something I wanted. I wasn’t sure how it was going to work. But I needed him to know that this was never something I was going to take for granted. He needed to know exactly what I felt for him. As the tears started to prick my eyes, I turned so I was looking only at my Daddy. I wasn’t sure if this was the right moment for it, but it needed to be said. My words were only for him, but it didn’t matter if Del heard them. They affected him just as much.^ You make me happy. And while you know that I have feelings for him, I’m in love with you. I can’t do this unless you’re okay with it.

^The subtle nod of Daddy’s head gave me some kind of strength. I needed to address this before I let anything go any further. There was so much going through my head that I wasn’t sure where to begin. But I knew what I wanted to say. I also knew that if I didn’t think everything through, I wasn’t going to give myself the chance to talk myself out of things. Turning away from Daddy, I pegged the man across from me with a stare.

All of this wasn’t just about giving him what he wanted. It was giving the three of us a chance to explore what this was, and if there was a reason to let it grow. But it was also something that could destroy all of us. I couldn’t risk it. I needed everything to be on the table. I needed my rules to be on the table.^ I want to try with you. I want to be the most selfish girl in the world. I want to have a Daddy and a Sir. I want both of you. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t want the two of you to try something together. But I won’t push Daddy into it. If this is what he’s okay with, than this is what we did.

You cannot run. There is no option of running. This isn’t a relationship that will survive if any one of us runs. You cannot shut us out. You can’t shut me out. You can’t shut him out. Because the two of you are going to need to figure out how all of this works. I can be told when and where to be, but the two of you need to work it out. Daddy knows my limitations. Especially since I run a business.

^Looking at the ground, I wasn’t sure how the next part of this would go. I knew what I wanted to say, but I knew Del would beat himself up over all of it. But again, communication was the key to everything here. I couldn’t lie to him about what I needed. I needed this before we could take a step into a playroom.^ We also can’t go into a playroom. Not yet. We need to start from scratch. We need to establish a relationship. I need to trust you again before we take that step. You have to prove to me that this isn’t just about wanting a sub. You claim to want me and Daddy in a way you have never wanted anyone else, so prove it. Show me that I’m not just a hole to stick your dick into.

Myrick: -I just sat and listened, shocked for a moment, but pleasantly so at the words that came out of Cay’s mouth. She had a point, and she was making it eloquently enough. She wasn’t asking for too much, and as much as she was insistent that she was selfish, I saw it as anything but. She didn’t have to give him a chance; she didn’t have to give me a chance either. She could have been selfish and kept herself away from both of us. Instead, she was willing to share herself with both of us. I didn’t think now was the time to tell her so though.

Instead, I leaned in and whispered against her ear as she waited for Del to reply- I love you, too. -tightening my arms around her and pulling her back into my chest again. I hadn’t said those words to anyone in that context in years. No one I had dated, not the last sub I’d worked with, no one, not since my first girlfriend in college when I went and got my heart broken and handed back to me in pieces before I knew what I was doing. This was different than any of that.

I didn’t know how this was going to end, but I hoped it ended for the better. There was every possibility that we were all going to end up hurt, but there was also every possibility that we were all going to end up happy. Right now, the next part of this was all in Del’s hands.-

Del: -Cay was right. There was no denying that. At least she was giving me a chance. I’d just been waiting for her to kick me out all this time. I wouldn’t have blamed her. It was well within what she would have been right to do. I just had my fingers crossed for more. She was laying her rules for this relationship out on the line. I’d lived in the whole BDSM world long enough to be used to rules, only I was the one who was usually laying out rules. Not that I’d had anyone who I’d spent enough time around to have a standing set of rules with anyone, and the more that I thought about it, the more I understood her point. I wasn’t reliable, at least I hadn’t proven myself to be. And trust was everything in what we were going in to. I had to give her a reason to trust me.-

Then we take our time. I’m willing to do it. I want this; I didn’t lie about that. And you’re far from just a hole to stick anything in. If it takes time for you to understand that, then we take however long you need. You’re worth it. -glancing over at Myrick- You’re both worth it. And if you never decide I’m there, then at least I got the chance. That’s more than I should ask for.  

Cay: ^I couldn’t help the small smile that was tugging at my lips as Daddy told me he loved me, too. It wasn’t a sentiment I had ever experienced. But to have it with him was everything to me. I wanted to cry, but I refused to show that kind of weakness. Besides, it hadn’t ever been something I did. I didn’t cry about things. That was a useless thing to do.

I nodded my head as Del spoke his peace. He was willing to go there for me. He was going to do something that he probably hadn’t ever done. He was putting everything aside to give me the chance to get comfortable with him. To trust him again. He was giving into my rules. Taking a breath, I gave him a small smile.^ I’m giving you a chance, Sir. Please don’t let me down.

^I let out an audible groan as my stomach let out a growl. I hadn’t exactly eaten all day. The shop had been busier than normal, and I didn’t want to leave Daddy alone in case someone showed up. But as the minutes passed, I knew what I wanted. It was going to be a hike, but I could have Daddy go grab it while I was counting the drawers. Grabbing the closest piece of paper, I quickly wrote down an order of fried wontons, beef udon, and the mongolian beef dinner special my favorite Thai place had. Holding the paper out to Daddy, I turned my attention back to the man in front of me.^ Can Daddy and I have the night to discuss things? Just so we can set boundaries in our relationship where you are concerned, Sir?

Del: -After expecting to be thrown out since I walked into the place, being asked to leave so they could discuss things was a nice relief. It wasn't forever. It was for one night- You absolutely can. But if he's okay with it, I'd like us to all spend some time together soon. -slides my hands into my pockets nervously before I realize I have to grab my coat and the scarf I stole before I can make an exit. My hands fumble out of the pockets and somehow find their way into the sleeves of the coat I brought without much incident, draping the scarf across my shoulders while my hands still grip the tails that drape across my chest.- I just… I don't want to waste any more time than I already have. -nodding before I make my goodbyes and walk myself down to the front door-

Myrick: -I pocketed the order knowing exactly what she was asking for as I made my way to the stairs behind Del, pausing for only a moment to steal a kiss from Cay before I follow him down- I love you, Baby Love. I'll be back soon. -fingers brushing her hair back behind one ear before I go to let him out the door.

We didn't speak.  I wasn't sure if it was because we'd said everything that there was to be said or because neither of us quite knew what to say to the other. I knew how to unlock the door and let him out, and how to lock it back behind me before I made my way out into the street to go pick up dinner for the two of us. She was going to have her usual, and I was probably going to wind up with mine. It was a comfortable routine, and I loved it.

I paused on the street, my hand going right for Del’s arm- Promise me one thing, Delly. Promise me you won't mess this up. She's good for you. She's good for both of us. And I'm not going to be able to forgive you this time if you ruin this for her. -I was putting a lot into this. I'd forgiven him so many times for so many things, but I meant what I said this time. This was the line-

Del: -Myrick’s hand on my arm wasn't what I expected. Neither were the words that came out of his mouth when I turned to face him, but he was right. He'd always forgiven me, no matter what kind of trouble I'd gotten the both of us into. I knew this time was different. But the sound of my nickname coming from his mouth brought an unbidden grin to my face- I promise, Ricky. I can't afford to fuck this up for either of us. I'm going to give this one all I've got. -I couldn't stop myself from reaching up to pat his cheek with a soft chuckle before I walked off down the street. I'd sent the car off earlier, and I didn't intend to call it back. I needed the time to think, and a walk and maybe a subway ride might give me the time I needed for it.-  

Cay: ^As soon as I heard the door close, I felt myself sag back against the couch for a second. I needed a minute to process everything. Just to take some time to breathe. I didn’t have to worry about keeping a mask on for either of the men that had been sitting in front of me. I wasn’t entirely sure of what was going to happen. There were a million and one different choices in this situation. But it was something I wanted to talk to Daddy about first.

We both could say that things were never going to change, but we knew the reality of our situation. Conversation was always going to be the most important thing. We needed to talk about everything before we could take another step.

Sending him to a Thai place that was on the other side of the Bronx hadn’t been a mistake. I needed the time to consider what I was doing. I needed some time. Besides, in my opinion, Shangrila was one of the best places in the borough. I wanted the Mongolian Beef badly. And for some reason, it was all I could think about.

As I got to the office, I stopped as I stared at the calendar. I hadn’t thought about the days of the week or anything else since I was almost always in the shop. But I felt myself doing the math as I thought back to the last time I had a period. Before I met Del at the club. My eyes went wide as I tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. Two months. At least.

I was moving in autopilot as I counted the money. There was so much going through my head that the obvious question didn’t sink in until I was locking the safe. If I was pregnant, whose was it? Sir and Daddy were both options. Reaching for my cell, I texted Cassi and asked if she could watch over the shop tomorrow. I couldn’t not go to the doctor. I had to know. ^

#IfYouLoveMeDontLetGo