#i have been to a doctor for a medical problem uhhhh three times in the past 8 years

[jesuisgourde]

ignore your mild medical problems and hope they go away instead of getting worse because it’s too expensive to get them checked out, it’s the american way

[transbionic-shieldmaiden]

a really long post about my stupid HRT adventure

cw medical stuff, tumors.

context: there was a post about getting on HRT that I read but I decided this was too personal to go in a reblog. donut rebagel, but feel free to reply.

ohhhh man, so like obviously i’m glad other people have had a better time than I when it comes to getting on hrt but i really gotta rant about the issues i had, because I had a hell of a time getting it DESPITE NOT ACTUALLY RUNNING INTO GATEKEEPING. so, story time:

this got long, so have a read more.

So I have executive dysfunction, which I cannot recommend. For me at least it comes in a package deal with a bunch of plasticbrains things I’m very much a fan of (stims! hyperfocus! being trans!), but I’d still very much like to not deal with it. And I also have social anxiety. Which overall is not a great combination of issues for dealing with the medical system.

Case in point: figuring out I’m trans was the catalyst for getting me to actually seek therapy (at MIT medical, which -- sidenote -- is free for students and I can’t recommend them highly enough), but what this actually meant was I took basically an entire semester to make the phone call to get an appointment, which was scheduled for a month after the call*. So far so great.

Anyway, as my therapy continued I kept coming in and complaining about dysphoria and being like “man i wish i could start hrt! but i won’t, because that involves talking to strangers :(” and eventually my therapist was like “so like. regular medical, which can prescribe hrt, is literally one floor below us. i can walk you down and schedule an appointment right now.”

and i was like “uhhhh wait i didn’t actually want my problem solved that means i have to talk to strangers!!!” but like obviously this was the social anxiety talking because i did actually want hrt. so my therapist walked me down to medical and i scheduled an appointment with the one Trans Doctor (tee-em) at MIT medical (like seriously this woman is as far as I can tell the PCP for like half of MIT’s trans population, we stan).

so the way this worked out is I needed three appointments: one intake appointment which was largely informational, one appointment with a physical checkup and a blood draw, and finally an appointment once the blood draw results came in. So I went in to the firs appointment, scheduled the second once it was done, and then MIT medical stole my blood.

And when that appointment was done I...didn’t schedule the third.

Cue several months passing due to executive dysfunction and social anxiety.

So I finally get myself together enough to schedule the last appointment, and I go in...and it turns out I have abnormally low testosterone. And I was all ready to be like “Oh no...isn’t that a shame...how terrible...” but the problem is, low testosterone in conjunction with my other blood metrics...was possibly a sign of a brain tumor.

That sounds worse than it actually is -- the brain tumor in question would’ve been benign, so it wouldn’t have been cancer. It does occasionally lead to blindness however, and low testosterone from said tumor would obviously not be very visible once I was taking spironolactone. So we needed to make sure I didn’t have a tumor before we could proceed with HRT. I was sent to take another blood test, optimized for the time of day when testosterone levels peak, and was therefore in the strange situation of being a trans woman hoping for high testosterone levels on a blood test.

Alas, it seems I was truly too trans for my own good, for it turns out the second test was even lower than the first.

This meant I had to go in for another blood test, and I had to get an MRI. And of course remember that every appointment I make here means 3-5 weeks depending on scheduling, all while I’m engaging in the standard MIT pastime of drowning in psets. Which is not fun when you’re depressed from dysphoria, let me tell you.

The MRI rolls around and it’s in this area of the Boston metro area Where The T Dares Not Go. There’s a bus stop near the clinic, but I have only been on an MBTA bus once and I really didn’t want to miss my appointment. So I hop in a lyft and soon it’s time for me to go in the Big Science Tube.

So here’s the thing about the Big Science Tube. It’s loud, it’s cramped, and in my case at least you get pumped with Contrast Juice which like goes in your brain or something? idk i’m not an MRI tech. I actually found it to be a not entirely unpleasant experience, because it sort of feels like you’re in a cryosleep chamber or something and I’m a huge nerd. But it’s also...massively disorienting. You can’t move, your vision is limited to the inside surface of a white cylinder, the whole thing is making Noise and vibrating, there’s the Contrast Juice sloshing in your brain...Oh, and at least in my case they let me listen to satellite radio while i was vibing in the science tube. Thing is, I don’t generally like radio music, since I tend to like individual songs more than genres, so I picked the jazz station. I figured this would ensure fairly enjoyable music the whole time, instead of a weird roller-coaster of songs I like, songs I hate, and songs I haven’t heard (the vast majority).

While I stand by this analysis in general, I do not recommend jazz as the soundtrack to the big science tube.

All this is to say that by the time I got out, I was extremely out of it and loopy. Oh, I also forgot to mention: I did not sleep well the night before. My sleep schedule is a mess at the best of times, and I was very nervous. So I am...completely off the shits by this point, not to mention extremely hungry and thirsty. They tell you to drink a lot to flush the Contrast Juice from your system, so that works out OK. In theory.

I get out, stand by the bus station for a bit, and conclude the bus isn’t coming. I walk across the street to a McDonalds, figuring I could really use some food and liquid. Which was correct.

...Except the bus came and went while I was in there, and looking at the schedule on my phone revealed I’d have to wait another half an hour for another.

This is where I make a terrible mistake. I look at my map, see that Harvard...isn’t too far from where I am, and Harvard has a T station! Perfect! So I, completely loopy from the MRI, still dehydrated because I haven’t gotten nearly enough liquids from McDonalds, decide to WALK TO HARVARD. It was a 30 minute walk, through unfamiliar territory, and I cannot stress this enough: I. Was. Off. The. Shits.

So I walk to Harvard using my phone’s GPS and whatever brain cells were not full of Contrast Juice, somehow managing to navigate through this random neighborhood and over the bridge without getting too lost or getting hit by a car. As I reach Harvard, I realize that this is a bad place for me to be in my current mental state: it’s bustling, full of standard college craziness; i think there was a guy in a chocolate bar costume which I could not process at the time. Oh, and I’ve never been to the Harvard T station so in my condition I struggle to find it. And when I do get there...well, here’s the thing about the Harvard T station: It’s huge. There’s several floors of underground bus terminals and an absolute warren of tunnels. Perfectly navigable, if you’re sober or know the area.

I am of course none of these things.

Still, somehow I find my way to the train, but that wasn’t even the end of my problems! Because, you see, my dorm is twenty minutes from the nearest T stop! So even once I get back to MIT I still have lots of walking to do. I don’t remember how I got back at that point; I think it involved a lot of drinking fountains.

Anyway, I guess this was supposed to be about me getting HRT? So it takes a while for the MRI results to get back, but it turns out I don’t have a tumor. However, in the meantime my parents have been pushing for me to freeze some sperm cells, so that I can have kids someday. Here’s the thing: I do not want kids. I do not expect to ever want kids. And if that changes, I’d be quite happy to adopt kids. But my parents are offering to pay for it, and the risk-averse part of my brain is like “oh...maybe i should do it...just in case???”

It takes me a month to actually call a fertility clinic. In the meantime, I am struggling in my classes; dysphoria is not conducive to educational success. It was not a good time to be me, let’s just put it that way. Finally, I make the call, and uhhhh it turns out sperm freezing is really expensive? And you have to go in for an intake appointment...then do some tests...and then...

So at this point I say, fuck it! And I get on HRT the next week. In total it took me like...a year to get on HRT, depending on how you count it? And all this without anyone actually gatekeeping me on being an Invalid Trans or whatever. But it’s all good, because now I’m far happier and more together than I ever thought I can be. The moral of this story is: HRT good, executive dysfunction bad, and don’t wander through Harvard while completely off the shits from MRI aftereffects.

*this is the one issue with MIT medical; their services are great but also in high demand. the system is a bit better once you actually get into it though.

[purplesurveys]

864

What was your last facebook status? Hmm I share posts a lot and add my own captions, but I never upload my own statuses unless I’m changing my profile photo. That being said, my last post involved making fun of our military. What color is the wall in your kitchen? All our walls are white, but there’s a part of the kitchen where the lower half of the wall is made up of coral-ish tiles. Last time you were in a group shot? My best guess would be late April when we took a family photo for my parents’ 23rd wedding anniversary. Other than that, my phone tells me that the last group shot I took with my friends was taken on February 7th. Damn. Last time you dressed formally? I think it was Feb 2017 because that was the last debut I remember going to. At what age did you go through puberty? I was a bit of an early bird lol, I got my period a few weeks after turning 10.

Last time you got an xray? 2016. I needed multiple medical tests before I was allowed to enroll in my university, and it was during those tests that doctors found out I have scoliosis so I needed some X-rays done for the school to see if PE was gonna be a problem for me. What is the stupidest show on television? I don’t watch a lot of TV these days but uhhhh I never saw the appeal of reality shows that have some dating gimmick.  Do you enjoy photo editing? Nah. I’ve never understood how Photoshop works. Do you pluck/wax your eyebrows? I pluck them because of anxiety, not because of maintenance. Have you ever owned a blacklight? Sure. When I was a kid I loooooved invisible pen + blacklight kits; always thought they were the coolest thing and they always made me feel like a big badass detective haha. Do you own a coloring book? Yessssss. I’m pretty sure this blog was able to cover my coloring phase two years ago. I haven’t touched my coloring books in a while, but that just means I’ve been doing okay. And that’s a real good thing. Do you shop at a dollar store? Obviously not, but we do have stores that kinda have the same gimmick. One that I can think of is Daiso (it’s actually a Japanese chain but whatever) which sells most of their stuff at ₱88. If I need something for the short-term, I’ll sometimes get it from there. Do you do any winter sports? ...No. Which is worse: Snakes, Scorpions or Spiders? I’ll go with scorpions, because I had an uncle who kept this scorpion figurine and always told me scary stories about them, so for the longest time I’ve associated scorpions with danger and venom and just generally the feeling of being scared of them. Is there an attic and/or a basement in your house? We have neither.

Do you own duct tape? My parents probably have a roll in their room but I have no reason to have one of my own. Do you own a jack knife? Nope. When was the last time you ordered something online? November. I was buying Christmas presents.

Have you ever been bitten by a tick? No, but they’ve walked on me before. I'm always able to feel and catch them, though. Do you prefer blackberries or raspberries? No preference. What color is your mom’s car? I’m not actually sure who pays for our cars, but our main family cars are white and blue-greenish. Do you like flavored water? I’ve never had it before and I’m not interested. I drink water because I find its tasteless-ness refreshing, so to drink water with flavor is super pointless to me. Do you watch wrestling? You asked the right person ;) Hahaha I love wrestling, but I can’t say that I watch recent episodes. I don’t find the storylines as captivating these days, so it has also meant that I mostly don’t know who the newer wrestlers are anymore. But even if that’s the case, I’m never completely away from wrestling because I still subscribe to wrestling-themed YouTube channels and stay updated with wrestling news sites.

Do you enjoy cranberry juice? No, but my mom is nuts about them. We always have two or three bottles of cranberry juice in the fridge at a time. I personally think it smells terrible, but I don’t like fruits. Do you drink? Yes. Do you have unwanted facial hair? Nope. Do you know the difference between "possum" and "oppossum"?` No. Have you ever had a bird or a squirrel in your house? I’ve had countless birds sit on my windowsill, but they never went inside. We don’t have squirrels. What label would you give your clothing style? Soft girl, trendy, chic. How far away is the closest mall? Two minutes away from the main entrance of our village. How many gingers do you know? Zero. Do people often misspell your name? Yes, but I don’t make a fuss about it because to be fair, mine is the uncommon spelling of the name. I do get annoyed when people *who already know me* still misspell it, though. What is your sexual orientation? Demi. At least that’s the one that makes most sense to me in the meantime. I prefer not to put a label on myself.

Do you know another language? Yes indeed. Do you think sloths are cute? Sure, but there are cuter animals. Are you reading a book currently? Not at the moment, but I really should find another memoir to read. How many hours do you work a week? 0. How high off the ground is your bed? Idk, it’s standard bed height lol. It’s high enough for me not to allow Cooper to start jumping off of it yet, but low enough for my feet to reach the floor. Do you have a tv in your room? I used to; the PS3 also used to be in my room for some reason. Once we noticed that my brother would always come over my room to use my TV and the PS3, we just moved both things to his room. Do you wear a lot of plaid? I wore a plaid skirt everyday from kindergarten to high school. I don’t think I’ve worn plaid since. I didn’t end up hating the pattern but I do just need a fucking break from it lol What do you think about gauged ears? Personally not a fan. It makes me wince :( But like I always say, you do you. Do you text a lot? I used to, before the quarantine. There’s no reason to get load now that I’m just at home all day, all week, and all month, so I’ve stopped texting indefinitely. How often do you go camping? I’ve never even been. What is the cutest breed of dog? I find all of them cute except for chihuahuas and pugs. I also feel bad for some mixed-breeds like golden retriever corgis... Do you own a cat? My sister used to. I never had one of my own. What are the initials of your high school? AA. What are your initials? RIAC. Do you do dishes by hand or dish washer? By hand. I don’t know any one Filipino house that has a dishwasher lol that’s definitely always been a first-world concept to me.

[maergo]

FUCK YOU I TAKE IT BACK DO ALL 100

001. When is their birthday?Dec 9th002. Do they do anything to celebrate their birthday?No, he doesn’t celebrate it003. Does your character like coffee better, or tea?Coffee004. Do they prefer being alone or with others?He likes to be surrounded by up to a few people every now and then but also needs his alone time005. Are they in good health?Physically yes, mentally not so much

006. What sense do they most rely on?All? 007. Is your character an optimist or a pessimist?Both008. What is their favorite fairy tale?He doesn’t have one009. Do they believe in happy endings?Sometimes he does, it really depends on what it’s about010. Do they believe in love at first sight?No011. How would your character court the person of their dreams?He has no person of his dreams012. What makes your character embarrassed?Compliments, he doesn’t know how to react to them and then he gets embarrassed013. Have they ever been bullied or teased?He has been for a very short period of time014. Detail one secret shame your character feels.uhhhhhhhhhh i can’t come up with anything now015. Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue?His tongue, he’s not a fist fighter016. What is their choice of weapon?probably hair because he doesn’t know how to use any kind of weapon017. When does your character think that violence is justified or deserved?When it is to protect themselves or someone else018. Your character wakes up to find that war has been declared. What do they do?Probably wait and see how it’s gonna turn out019. If they could have a superpower, what would they choose?I think he’d pick invisibility020. What are their hobbies?Photography, music, cooking021. How do they display affection?With close friends he’ll just constantly call them things like bitch and what not. With relationships it really depends on his mood, one day he’ll be super clingy and the other he’s just more vocally affectionate022. What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen?Flowers023. What do they consider beautiful in others physically?An overall healthy look024. What do they consider ugly in others physically?Ugly is a big word but he just tends to not want to look at those that do not take any care of their physical appearance025. What do they consider beautiful in others personality-wise?Confidence026. What do they consider ugly in others personality-wise?Full on rudeness, like 24/7027. What is their idea of perfect happiness?Being content with what one has in their life. 028. What makes them laugh out loud?People who accidentally hurt themselves (falling down etc)029. What sort of sense of humor does your character have?He has a dark sense of humor030. Do they believe in the afterlife?He does031. Are they superstitious about anything?Not really032. Does your character believe in ghosts?No033. Do they keep their promises?He tries to034. What’s their view of lying?He believes lying is okay as long as it’s not harmful to anyone035. What is the most important rule your character lives by?None036. How honorable is your character?uhhhhhhhhh idk037. If your character saw someone drop a large sum of money and knew that they could probably take it without anyone noticing, what would they do?Pick it up, go to that person and tell them that they dropped the money038. What bad habits do they have?Hairpulling in stressful situations, nail biting, overthinking039. What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person?Emotionally scar them040. What is their obsession?Writing, going for walks, he’s also lowkey obsessed with singing and staying in bed for too long041. Are they comfortable with technology?He hardly knows how to use all the new equipment but is okay with older stuff042. What is their greatest achievement?Getting cats043. What will they stand up for?His friends/ family044. What disgusts them?pussy045. Does your character have any chronic medical conditions?He thinks he does but doesn’t want to see a doctor for it046. How do they handle getting sick?He just keeps on doing what he usually does because he hates not getting things done047. What was the last medical problem your character had?/048. Do they have any allergies?He’s allergic to roses049. How does your character feel about growing old?It terrifies him and also causes panic attacks050. How does your character feel about their own mortality?lowkey don’t feel like googling that last word051. If they knew they would die tomorrow, what would they do today?Make sure his pets will get a good place to stay at and then live his last day like any other.052. What is your character’s worst flaw?I’d say it’s his insecurities053. What is your character’s greatest strength?He doesn’t easily give up054. Does your character want power or authority of any kind?Not at all055. Is your character an introvert or an extrovert?He’s kinda both but leans more towards introvert056. Has your character ever struck someone in anger?No057. Has your character ever killed anyone?No058. What is your character’s idea of a perfect day?One on which he doesn’t stress too much 059. List several phrases your character is fond of uttering. Where did they pick them up?ugh i so do not wanna do this lmao060. What is your character’s attitude toward education and learning?He loves learning and he loved school. If his passion wasn’t writing he would’ve considered to either follow more types of educations or he’d study to become a teacher himself061. Does your character prefer adventure or safety and security?Safety and security most of the time, but an adventure every now and then is appreciated too062. What sort of legacy does your character wish to leave behind?None063. How well does your character handle difficult people?Depends on how difficult they are and in what way064. In what ways does your character annoy others?Just by being himself lmao065. Is your character better at leading or following? Which do they prefer?He good at both and prefers to lead066. Does your character prefer city life or being out in nature?The city life, if he doesn’t hear traffic constantly he gets too deep into his own thoughts067. Does your character believe in fate or destiny?Not really068. How strong is your character’s sense of responsibility? What kinds of things trigger it?He’s responsible when the situation calls for it069. What about your character is heroic?Nothing lmao070. What about your character is cowardly?He’s too afraid to face certain emotions071. How kind is your character?Generally very kind unless someone really gets on his nerves072. In a Dungeons & Dragons game, which class would your character be? (wizard, fighter, bard, priest, ranger, etc.)i don’t even know that game073. In a novel, what plot role would your character fill? (hero, anti-hero, sidekick, villain, etc.)Probably a sidekick074. What is your character’s favorite game?He doesn’t really play games-- at least I assume it’s about videogames?075. Is your character ticklish?A little076. How do they express anger?He bottles it up until it gets too much and then he just takes it out on himself077. How often do they cry? Over what?He cries a lot, mostly when he’s too stressed and can’t deal with his feelings anymore078. How emotionally stable is your character?He’s not very stable079. How easy is it for them to read the emotions of others?He can kind of sense it when someone lies about how they’re doing080. How easy is it for others to read your character’s emotions?Very easy, it’s very clear when he’s not in a good mood081. Is your character religious?No082. What are your character’s sleeping preferences?When he’s alone he likes to sleep on his stomach, when with someone he wants to sleep against or even half on top of them083. What is the first thing they say and/or do when they wake up?Usually it’s something like ‘good morning babies’ because he wakes up to a whole lot of cats waiting for him to give them food084. Describe your character in one word.Odd085. Describe your character in three words.Messy, dramatic, soft086. How would your character describe themself in one word?Unworthy087. How would your character describe themself in three words?Useless, unimportant, weird088. Is your character quiet or loud?Both089. How vocally expressive is your character?He can be very expressive or not at all090. How bodily expressive is your character?Not very expressive091. What type of music does your character like?Anything, he can go from ballads to metal in two seconds092. What emotion does your character evoke in others?Probably annoyance093. What is your character’s goal in life?To become content with what he has094. Name three things most would not expect your character to be able to know.oh idk tbh095. Name three things most would not expect your character to be able to do.Do backflips, sing hella high, uhhhh---096. How do they move and carry themselves? What energy do they project?When for work he gives off a very excited and confident type of energy, when alone or with friends it’s generally the opposite097. How well do they adapt to change?Not well at all098. Does your character like animals?He l o v e s animals a lot099. Do they talk to inanimate objects?He curses at his phone sometimes but that’s it 100. Does your character dream? If so, what do they dream about? Usually he has nightmares but mostly doesn’t actually remember them

[atmilliways]

1!

“Toki trying to convince Nathan to do something lame.” It’s lame in the sense that I couldn’t come up with anything particularly lame. I sort of had an idea when I started, but it took a weird hop a little while in and ended unexpectedly. I’m not sure if I want to continue it or rework it to fit into the chaptered fic I’m still toiling away at. 

(mtl prompts list)

—

It started off totally wholesome and innocent. 

Okay, no it didn’t. It started out with Toki walking in on Nathan fucking the manager over his desk, and the little shit ran screaming from the room like he’d just seen his parents doing it and needed to wash the dirty scene from his eyeballs with boiling acid. 

Then the texts started. As a rule, Nathan didn’t bother to read any texts from the Scandinavian guitarists because they were always a horrible mishmash of misspelled words, typos, autocorrects, and non-English words — in other words, completely incomprehensible. Toki, being generally more talkative, was the worst about this. Nathan solved the problem of the Norwegian relentlessly blowing up his phone  first by ignoring it, then eventually by leaving it in his jeans pocket to get taken out with the wash. He was issued a new one, with a new number, the next day. 

Since avoidance seemed to be working pretty well, Nathan continued the trend until it snowballed into the entire band just sort of forgetting to include Toki in things. That worked pretty well for a while too, until the whole Special Persons Invites Club mess. By then Toki seemed to have given up on trying to talk to him about what he’d seen, but Nathan was still vaguely on alert for the idiot to blurt it out right there in front of Pickles and Skwisgaar during a club meeting. Why else would he exclude Murderface, the band member most likely to shit his pants at the news and have a screeching gay crisis that could go on for weeks?

Well, aside from the fact that it was Murderface, that guy was pretty rank. But yeah, so totally incapable of coming out of the closet himself that he’d just ruin it for as many other people as possible. 

When nothing happened, Nathan just sort of figured Toki had forgotten about it. And then he’d started having those weird dreams about whales, and that thing with the liquid master had happened, and Pickles was so mad at him and pissing him off so much it was starting to border on cold war feud territory… and he kinda forgot too. 

Fast forward about a year and Nathan was still reeling from all the shit that had gone down. They all were, really. Everything from Roy’s death to Charles’ sudden resignation to Toki and Abigail’s rescue, it was too much to take in and make sense of. Had they become better people or something? Were they expected to save the world now, all by their dumbass selves? 

It was Nathan’s turn to sit in the box-like hospital room with Toki and keep an eye on him, make sure he didn’t wake up from his frequent drugged naps and go totally postal on the doctors and nurses or whatever, so he was crammed into the unfairly narrow visitor’s chair and trying to think. Not just about all the weird shit that had gone down, either… Ever since that, hrm hrm HRMMM, thing with Abigail on the Dethsub, Charles hadn’t been anything more than politely civil towards him. It had fucked up the whole boss-and-employee-with-benefits thing all to hell, and Nathan couldn’t help wondering guiltily if that was part of why the guy had left. They’d heard through the grapevine that Charles had taken over for that old priest who’d died, but none of Nathan’s calls or texts to the man seemed to go through anymore. 

“Nathans?” croaked a raspy voice. The frontman looked up to meet Toki’s bleary gaze. “Are you here’s to helps me goes to the b-a-s-t-h-r-o-h-m-n-s-e?” 

“Uhhhh…” It took his fumbling brain a moment to figure that one out, but when he got it, he grimaced. “No. They gave you a catheter after you pissed on Skwisgaar and he fell and broke his ass for a couple days. Just… go ahead and pee where you are.”

“Oh.” Toki giggled, either about the Skwisgaar thing or at the privilege of peeing without wetting the bed. “Okays.”

There was a deeply uncomfortable silence, during which Nathan pretended he didn’t know exactly what his band mate was doing over there. 

“Nathans?” Toki asked again. 

Fully expecting to be asked for ice water and a crazy straw, Nathan sighed and levered himself out of the uncomfortable chair. They all took Toki duty every few days, partly to protect the hospital staff but partly to reassure themselves that the kid — even though Nathan was technically younger, it was hard not to think of Toki as the baby of their fucked up little family — really was alive and well. Or at least, healing. Not dead, anyway, and definitely no longer a missing-in-action Schrödinger’s guitarist. After all that time they’d spent dicking around when they could’ve just fucking manned up and helped with the search, getting him water or his deddybear seemed fair enough penance. It beat having to say sorry, anyway. 

“Yeah, what?”

“You remembers… that time what’s I saw you and Charleses doings it up the butts?” 

Nathan froze, all the blood slamming out of his face in shock. “Uhhhhhhhhhh…” 

“Is he mads at you ‘cause of Abigails?” Toki continued weakly but earnestly. “I talks to her yesterdays and she saids maybe that ams what happens why he goes to that church place.” 

The creepy thing about that was, Abigail had opted to be moved to another hospital so she could be closer to her family. Several weeks ago. 

“So maybes whats you should does is… apoljisecks to hims in person, likes you did with Pickle.” 

“Toki, that’s…” Nathan scowled, trying to find the right words to convey how he felt about that suggestion. “Apologizing is really fucking lame and not metal. And you know how I feel about that.” 

Toki just looked at him with a grimace that said, Reallies? Okays, we does it this ways then. He groped around for the bed controls and hit the button that elevated his pillows slightly, so he was practically sitting up. 

“Nathans,” he slurred, “I talks to all the guys, and they says you should does it. Espescially Pickle, he said he was ams very moved whens you did it to hims. And Skwisgaar says you ams really bumming everyones out because you needs to get laid. Even Morderface agrees you beens in a real weirds mood since the submarines… I think that says a lots.” 

“What… does that say?” Nathan asked with menacing slowness, his scowl deepening stubbornly, but on the inside he was totally freaking out. Toki had talked to the guys about this? All of them? 

And those assholes actually backed him up on this apologizing thing? 

Toki gave him a wavery smile. “That you misses and cares about hims.” 

“I don’t— God, you’re making it sound gayer than it actually is.”

“Whats am gayer than sex in the butts with two guys?” Toki asked, puzzled.

There wasn’t really any good answer for that, so Nathan just stomped over to the window and glared out through it at nothing, his arms crossed sullenly over his chest. Yeah, he was pissed at Toki, but dammit if the kid hadn’t hit a nerve about his conflicted feelings over their former manager.

He thought about the long string of texts on his phone — all sent to Charles, with no reply for months. At some point the stupid knock knock jokes and links to cat memes had given way to things like Did you get my text and Just fucking talk to me you dick.

He thought about how he really had been in a piss-poor mood ever since being stuck on that sub for three months, and how it no longer felt quite adequate to simply blame his own actions on Charles holding out on him so they could all focus on the new album. After all, it was the album that was somehow supposed to save the fucking world, right? And sure, Charles could’ve explained that at the time, but Nathan had to admit it wouldn’t have had the same convincing affect as a giant flying dude coming out of nowhere and murdering the head of their record label with scary-ass mind powers. 

He thought about fooling around with Charles, getting the guy to loosen up a little for a change, and how afterwards Charles would be all relaxed and pliant and actually laugh at shit like a normal person… 

“Nathans?” 

“WHAT?” 

“Can I haves a cups of ice waters whats got a real cool straw?” Toki asked petulantly. His pout at being snapped at was practically audible. 

When Nathan stomped out of the room to get the requested drink, he stopped a passing doctor by grabbing onto one lab-coated arm and swinging her around. 

“Hey,” he demanded gruffly, jabbing a thumb back over his shoulder towards Toki’s room, “is that dildo okay to be moved?” 

The doctor blinked. “Um, yes, Mr. Explosion. He still needs to be on medication, but he’s healing up more quickly than expected.” 

“Good,” Nathan growled, “because were going on a trip. Get him ready to go by… uh, just as soon as possible. Got it?” He’d been about to say tomorrow, but now that he’d decided on his next course of action he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Releasing the bewildered physician, he rounded on the klokateers standing guard outside Toki’s door. “You guys, you call… someone, and make sure the submarine is ready to go. And tell all the guys, too.” 

He straightened up to his full imposing height — not that anyone around him needed to be more intimidated, it just felt cool and important to do every once in a while. Without realizing it, his growl was starting to take on some of the ominous rumble of prophecy. 

“We’re going back into the ocean.”

[junkyardlynx]

My experience with sepsis, also known as “god please no”

So as I’ve said a few times in passing, I got to 1v1 sepsis about four years ago now. I’ve never really written out the experience, but the entire two months of my life surrounding that period is a hell scarred into my brain. So. Hey. That’s a fun story, right? Right? A brief primer on sepsis is basically uhhhh, “your body is trying to fight an infection, but it did it wrong and now all those chemicals it just released are running rampant inside of you.” The real bad part is when you go into septic shock, which is where your body just can’t hold it together and your blood pressure plummets. That’s where I ended up. 

Long read, so I’m gonna put it under a read more. It’s also...somewhat graphic. A big part of why I’m finally typing this all out is because I want you guys to know why I’m so fucking scared of COVID-19. I don’t e-beg lightly, you know? I don’t think I do, at least. Anyway.

So, how did I get it? Glad you asked. Never help your friends move. Okay, that’s disingenuous. If you help your friends move and you cut yourself, god, please clean that shit. It was January and I was helping my best friend move into his new place. We were moving his shitty old couch in when I managed to tag my inner thigh on a nail sticking out of the bottom. I swore, we laughed it off, I splotched the blood off afterwards and threw out those jeans, end of story. Right? Wrong.

I hadn’t washed it until I went home and took a shower and I guess the damage was done by that point. It was stupid and careless of me, but I’d cut myself a thousand times before on dumber shit and didn’t think anything of it. About a week later, I was in crippling pain all over my lower body. The worst pain in my life (up until that point; More on that later!) and I had a massive fever. I took a week off work, not really connecting the dots until I was crying in the shower trying to bathe myself and I felt a really hard...plateau? underneath my thigh meat. I’d noticed the area was really black and blue, but thinking was hard with a 102 fever. When I touched it, I screamed for dear fucking life, and I realized it was all centered around that cut I’d suffered. 

I’d gotten myself a massive abscess, and in the two weeks I’d let it fester, it became necrotic. You might say to yourself, “Spence, how did you not notice before hand?” and that’s a valid question. Here’s some more background. I’ve been through a decent amount in my life and am no stranger to pain. I am also...quite poor. Always have been. So when I notice my body hurts and I have a fever boiling my brain, bad enough to keep me from going to work for once? My last thought is going to the doctor. It’s “I’m already out of work for a week, and I can’t afford anything else.”

Yeah, that didn’t last so long. It got to the point where I couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink, couldn’t move. I spent two days curled up on my couch, barely sentient until I called my best friend and begged him to drive me to the hospital. He did. I was a shivering, shaking mess and I vomited outside of his car more than once on the 15 minute drive. Kinda owed me for helping him move houses, I guess. 

When I made it to the emergency room, they immediately tried to give me IV fluids. I was so fucking dehydrated that they had to stick a needle in my shoulder because the veins in my arms and hands kept collapsing. I passed out a few minutes after, assuming it’d be a matter of getting some fluids in me and some OTC antibiotics. 

So began my nightmare and recovery. 

I woke up in a hospital room, with two doctors and three nurses crowding the room. Now, I’m not a scientist or a medical professional, but that’s generally a bad sign. One doctor is usually a bad sign. They began to explain what they thought had happened to me - I had a bacterial infection in my leg, it was real bad, my flesh started to die. What’s more, that bacterial infection had spread into my bloodstream. Bacteremia! Three cheers for being just on the cusp of septic shock. I was enjoying a little major organ failure, as a treat. 

I was scheduled for a surgery the next day to remove the necrotic tissue. You have to remove necrotic tissue, as it doesn’t tell the cells next to it that it’s died, so it kinda...does a whole chain reaction thing. That’s bad, if wanna keep living. So I went in for surgery. I wasn’t going to say no. I wanted to live.

I came out and the first thing they asked was “are you feeling okay?” and when I nodded in the affirmative, they gave me the bad news.I needed more surgery. It had spread from my right thigh up around my asscheek. 

It ended up being two more rounds of surgery to tunnel all the dead flesh out of me. I couldn’t really lay on my right side or anything due to the massive surgical I’d endured, so I favored my left side heavily. I couldn’t walk or go anywhere, so I spent my time curled up on the shitty hospital bed. Somehow, things only got worse for me because I learned about a very important procedure we had to do. 

Packing the wound.

See, missing a massive chunk of flesh? That’s bad. That’s ripe for more infection and almost guaranteed to heal and scar badly if left alone. So it meant I got to have medicated gauze stuffed into my body’s wounds. I’m not sure how many of you have had fingers jammed into a non-natural orifice, but holy god, that is the most pain I’ve ever endured. 

So I endured it daily for just under two months.

See, they would come by with a syringe of dilaudid to put directly in my PICCline (a long term catheter inserted directly into a large vein, used for anything from blood draws to IV/medication distribution) before they went to pack my wound. Now dilaudid is a magical mixture that does take every ounce of pain away in your body when it’s uh, dumped directly into your heart. Yeah, for about 20 minutes. Thing is, the nurses that would administer the Dilaudid and the nurses that would shove their fingers into my open wound were different people, and they had very different ideas of what 20 minutes was. 

I’d get high as FUCK for 20-30 minutes, then fall back down to earth in the next 30 minutes, just in time for the packing nurse to show up an hour later. You know, when I was feeling pain again. This went on daily for under two months, and I begged the nurses to just find a way to come together as a team and I’d wait as long as I had to for them to both come together. One main “team” of nurses eventually tried, but it didn’t last long. The others just told me to stop being so whiny about it, in slightly nicer terms. I knew they were busy, so I bit my tongue. More than once.

So while I suffered extreme pain on the daily exacerbated by the inefficient drugging/packing schedule, I was also diagnosed with acute kidney failure due to the extremely high levels of creatinine in my piss. Creatinine is basically waste from your muscles that your kidneys are supposed to filter out. Mine weren’t. Thankfully, it was only acute, and not end-stage renal failure. A nephrologist came and added some more pills (including a diuretic) to my diet that already consisted of about 15 pills per day. My kidneys never regained full, 100% function and to this day I have elevated creatinine levels and I’m prone to vomiting and nosebleeds. Fun. 

So for two months I went through this cycle of pain and pills. I went into physical therapy for a bit to learn how to walk again, adjusting to my lack of muscle / tissue on my right side and coping with the pain. I was informed that my immune system was “remarkably weak” and it was surprising that I’d made it this long without any big issues. When I explained my history of strep throat and the like, the doctors didn’t seem surprised. 

Full disclosure, my mother was a drug addict and did everything from coke to heroin, which is why she died when I was 3. I imagine most of my health problems stem from a, uh, cursed birth. 

When I was discharged, I was given a month’s supply of percocets and my doc told me to just ring him when I needed more. He was very understanding. 

I never did, both because of the cost and because I...well, I enjoyed the feeling too much. That wasn’t a path I wanted to walk down. So I didn’t. Both sides of my family suffered with addictive personalities.

I still feel pain in my leg almost daily. I’ve never been the same. I almost died. My health deteriorated greatly, and it’s been a struggle to stay sane and alive and functional. 

So I feel a bit like a coward for not simply getting a job at a grocery store or the like, but...if I catch COVID? When no one around me is being careful and I have the body of a malformed creature born in the depths of Mordor?

I don’t wanna do that again. I’d actually rather die. I can’t suffer that again. If my quality of life dropped any more than it has since I had sepsis? Yeah.