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george-mackay-macfine · 5 years ago

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Bad At Love

A/N I’ve been inundated with a lot of requests for Dean one-shots, and I realised there are little to no Dean centric fanfics, Oneshots etc... So I’ve repurposed an old story I was writing to fit as a Dean story.

If you requested a Dean oneshot I am still working on them, but I wanted to show Dean some love.

Introduction:

You know that feeling you get when you’re going down the stairs and you accidentally skip a step and you think you’re falling and you think you’re going to die but then your foot lands on the next step and it’s like nothing ever happened? Well if you multiply that feeling by one thousand, make it last so much longer, and mix it with hate, paint, satisfaction, anger, lust, relief, anxiety, passion, shock, guilt, denial and frustration then you’ll understand what it’s like to fall in love. To fall in love with someone so passionately that your world revolves around them, and what they're doing and how their feeling. At least that’s what it was like for me.

Chapter One

“The Beatles, White album… John Lennon, Milk and Honey… Stevie Wonder.” I mumbled to myself as I flicked through the crates filled with old vinyl before me. Brighton's was a popular vinyl store and cafe nestled in the outskirts of Georgetown. It was a diamond in the rough if you were looking for a good record store. Brighton's was filled with them, a two-story loft building packed to the brim with vinyl, new and old. The bottom level was sorted neatly into genres and then by the artists, but the top-level and my own personal favourite was where the crates filled with albums the owners haven’t got around to sorting yet, This is where you find all the gems.

“Writing a shopping list there Sienna?” I looked up from the Jimmy Buffet ‘Living and Dying 3/4 Time’ album I was holding to see my best friend Halley staring at me, amused pausing digging through her own crate. Her green eyes sparkling with excitement as she pushed her honey blonde hair behind her left ear. Her thin lips pulling into a knowing smirk.

“If that’s what you want to call it Halley.” I laughed putting the Jimmy Buffett album on top of my other selections before sifting through the albums again. Bob Dylan… Bon Iver… I smiled over at Halley as we both listened to someone on the bottom level lift the arm off the player, the distinct sound of the record stopping filling the store before the sound of Elton Johns ‘Bennie and the Jet’s’ blasted through the sound system. I laughed at myself as I did a little shuffle to the music. Elton’s voicing rebounding around the room.

“So.. Sienna.” I nodded my head for Halley to continue as I went back to my growing pile, hips swaying as I flipped through it again checking over everything I’d found. Bowie… Fleetwood Mac… “I was thinking about our plans for tonight.” Halley voiced hesitantly. I looked up at her, one of my eyebrows shooting up. She was biting her bottom lip as she held onto her own pile of vinyl, knuckles turning white from the grip she had on them a telltale sign she was nervous.

“That could be dangerous.” I joked turning and making my way to the other side of the amply sized loft, looking down and over the bottom level of the shop littered with people, pulling vinyl out left, right and centre. I watched as a guy in his mid-thirties picked up a copy of Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’. “Do you think he’s going to buy it?” I called over my shoulder to Halley, not taking my eyes of the man. She sighed, but put her pile down none the less, and worked her way over to me, agitated that I’d changed the subject. “The guy with the Jackson.” I pointed down to him. “I think he will.”

“I don’t think so.” Halley shook her head watching him with me. “He’s totally not into it.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes at Halley. “Alright then. Let’s make it interesting.” Halley turned to me, a smiling pulling on her lips and she toiled with an idea in her head. “If he buys it you get to choose what we do tonight.” I couldn’t help but smile already tasting the red wine and hearing the sweet sounds of Fleetwood Mac. “But.” Halley rudely shook me from my daydream. “If he doesn’t buy it, you have to do whatever I want to do tonight.” I opened my mouth to disagree but she held up her hand to stop me. “With a smile on your lips and pure joy in every step you take.”

I looked between my best friend and the guy on the bottom floor. Judging quickly if I really thought he’d buy it, as I looked at him for the second time he’d started to pull the vinyl out and check the date stamped on it. I made up my mind.

“You’re on.” With a final nod at each other, we both spun on our heels and leaned over the balcony watching the man below like hawks. “Come on man, you know you want it,” I whispered under my breath. “Just buy it already, come on.” I groaned as he flipped it over for what felt like the hundredth time. “Who doesn’t like Michael Jackson.”

“He’s not going too.” I could hear the smirk in Halley’s voice. I ignored her and held my breath as he pushed the vinyl back inside its cover. Watching with wide eyes as he slipped it back into the crate it started in and turned away, walking down the centre aisle towards the door, crushing any hope I had of sitting home and drinking red wine with every step he took.

“No.” I cried out loudly as he made it to the front door, people turned and looked up at us including the guy who’d just sentenced me to a night of Halley controlled fun. Waving awkwardly at everyone as Halley hooked an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to her body. She giggled as she squeezed my shoulder.

“As I was saying before.” She cleared her throat. I could tell she was taking too much pleasure from the situation. “Tonight we are going to that new pizza place, the one Stacey was telling me about last week, Uncle Tony’s where we will find some cute boy’s to buy us beers.” She wiggled her eyebrow’s at my teasingly as she dropped her arm from my shoulder turning her body to face mine. “And then we are joining the girls at the Ivy to dance the night away and make sweet, sweet mistakes we won’t remember in the morning.” I opened my mouth to object to her plans, but Halley held a hand up to stop me. “You made a deal. You cannot back out Sienna Jacobs. I won’t let you.” She lowered her hand. “Now you will come back to our apartment, get yourself ready and we will have fun tonight. Have I made myself clear.” I nodded my head a slight pout on my lips. “Good, now go and buy your records.” She clapped her hands together gleefully. “Tonight is going to be so much fun.”

“So much fun,” I mumbled sarcastically as I walked back over to my deserted pile of treasures.

One of the numerous things I had learned about Halley through our eighteen years of friendship was that Halley Morgan Adams was never late she despised it, that’s why not even five hours later I was sitting in the front seat of her yellow Kia Soul, dressed in a pair of skin-tight black jeans and a white t-shirt with Elvis Presley’s mug shot on it pouting my arse off. “Are you ready?” With a flick of her hair and a smile she started up the ignition and drove far to quickly to the new pizza place, ’Uncle Tonys’ that we’d been hearing non-stop raving reviews about for the last week and a half. For the first part of the ride I promised myself I wouldn’t speak to Halley, partly to punish her for the night we had ahead of us, and partly because I was upset that I wasn’t at home listening to my new records. However, when we’d been in the car for ten minutes with nothing but Taylor Swift playing through the sound system I resigned to my fate and turned it down, deciding a conversation was the lesser of two evils.

“Are you excited to start classes again tomorrow?” I quizzed Halley as I watched the bright lights of the street pass us by. “In my opinion spring break went way too quickly, and we should have two more weeks off.” I nodded my head to reinforce my opinion causing Halley to chuckle.

“You’re just saying that because you don’t want to have to put down the book’s you’ve been reading non-stop in exchange for a textbook.” She snorted out a laugh as she pulled to a stop at a red light.

“Untrue. I just rather the works of Stephen King, over having to hand in assessment’s, any day.” She shook her head laughing at me.

“You’re the one who wanted to become a big hot shot editor, now you have to pay the price.” She replied quickly taking off when the light turned green. “We’re here.” She smiled as she pulled into a carpark and began to drive around in a circle looking for a vacant spot. “There’s one.” She smiled proudly as she pulled into an empty spot putting the gear stick into park.

“Don’t hate on my aspirations okay, Ms I wanna be an HR administrator,” I muttered as I unbuckled my seatbelt, pushing the door open. As I stood next to the car I looked over the stand-alone building. A fluorescent sign that read ‘Fresh Pizza’ glowed in the window. The outside housed tables with red and white checked cloths, couples and families sat laughing and enjoying the food before them.

“It’s a realistic dream okay.” Halley glared over the car at me, before walking towards the trunk, stopping and looking over the building for herself.

“C’mon.” She smiled delightedly as she skipped through the carpark towards the front door. I shook my head and followed behind her, watching as she happily waited by the door for me to catch her. “This place is so cute.” She called back, peering through one of the glass panels on the door as I reached her. “Oh, he’s even cuter.” She giggled pulling the door open, both of us stepping inside.

Once inside Halley and I took a minute to look around. The walls were painted a soft yellow filling the whole inside with a soft warm glow, a wall of fake stones lined the far wall with paintings of olives hanging above each of the booths that ran along with the stones. All the tables apart from two booths were filled, a mix of college students and families occupying them filling the whole restaurant with a loud buzz. I guess we aren’t the only ones excited to try out the new pizza. Grabbing my hand Halley pulled me over and down to one of the empty booths, pushing me down onto the plush red seat before sitting down on the opposite side.

“Can you believe how busy this place is?” She rolled her eyes as she put her clutch beside her on the seat. “You’d think people would have better things to do.” She looked around at the tables. I rolled my eyes and looked around the restaurant.

“Wouldn’t that mean that we should have better things to do Halley?” She flipped me off quickly before waving down the waiter with a flirty smile. He smirked at her as he walked over from the bar leaning across the table to give her a wink as he pulled out his order pad and pen.

“What can I get you, ladies?” His eyes travelled up Halley’s body, stopping to check out her cleavage. Halley smirked as she ran a hand up and down his arm.

“Can we get two beers and a large pepperoni pizza?” Halley looked at me raising an eyebrow in question. I nodded my head and looked around trying to avoid watching the scene that was playing out before me.

“Of course, I’ll make sure it’s the next one to come out…” The boy stuttered out looking down at where Halley’s fingers ran up and down the length of his hand, with a nod the waiter walked away from us fanning himself with the pad turning to look back at Halley once more a goofy love-struck smile on his face.

“You need to stop doing that to boys.” I laughed resting my chin on my palm as I looked around the restaurant. “Seriously one day, one of them is going to have a heart attack and we are going to be sued.” I leant across the table. “In case you didn’t realise. We don’t have enough money to be sued.”

“We?” She questioned with a raised brow a smile pulling on her lips.

“You don’t think I’m going to let you go to jail on your own do you?”

“This is why we are best friends Sienna.” She chuckled. “Where did that cute guy go?” She looked around through the crowd searching for whoever she saw through the window. That’s Halley Adams my boy crazy best friend.

“The two beers and the pizza.” The waiter called placing a beer before each of us and the pizza in between. As he placed Halley’s beer in front of her I couldn’t help but notice the napkin with a scrawled number that went along with it. Halley smirked at me before winking at him. “Told you it’d be the next one out.”

“That you did. Thanks.” With a nod of his head, the blushing boy raced back behind the bar only to start chatting to his friend. I laughed and shook my head as I watched him point over to Halley. “He’s telling his friend isn’t he?” She asked looking down at the napkin picking it up. “Riley… Cute name.”

“Cute name, for a cute boy.” I shrugged playing with the ring that sat on my right ring finger, spinning it. “You know he probably stole this pizza from another table?” Halley looked up from the paper, “One that’s been waiting for way longer than us.” I emphasised leaning forward onto the table.

“Least we didn’t have to wait.” She laughed picking up a slice, her eyes looked past mine before snapping back to me. “Don’t look now, but here comes my number one fan.” I turned and looked to where she was looking only a moment ago, finding exactly what she had seen. “Xander Preston… Even his name gives me the creeps.” Halley muttered as Xander stood up from one of the tables near the door sauntering across to us he glanced back at his friend they all cheered loudly at him when he turned back around, a smirk playing on his lips as he overconfidently strutted past a table filled with girls, winking at them. When he reached us he sat down beside Halley throwing an arm around her shoulders. Halley and I both looked at the offending object before looking to Xander. “Can we help you, Xander?” I watched as Xander pushed his black hair out of his brown eyes watching Halley as she spoke, concentrated on her lips. Halley tried to shrug his arm off her shoulder, shuffling down on the booth seat.

“Just came to see my number one girl.” His fingers started to play with the thin strap of her dress, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger, his arm still hugging her shoulders. He stopped, looking over to me. “And her best friend of course.”

“Really Xander? Your ‘number one’ girl?” Halley rolled her eyes. Xander smirked wider as he lifted her chin with his hand.

“C’mon baby, you know you are.”

“You misplace something, Preston?” Xander jumped in his seat immediately removing his hand from Halley’s shoulder. “Or do you just enjoy touching girls who clearly don’t want to be touched by you?” My eyes flicked away from Xander to where the booming voice had come from, next to our booth stood a group of three guys. The one in front was muscular and well built, his forearms bulging as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Well?” His blue eyes shot invisible daggers into Xander’s body. Xander smiled awkwardly jumping out of the seat he was occupying and putting as much space between himself and Halley as he could scratching the back of his neck. I rolled my eyes as Xander started to splutter out a reply and looked past him to the two guy’s who stood behind the first watching the scene play out. I looked at all three of them, noticing they wore matching black t-shirts with The Ivy printed on them with gold stitching.

“No I, I just… Halley is my…” Xander squirmed. I looked back to him watching silently as he looked between Halley and I waiting for one of us to save him. “We’re just…” He tried to explain to the intimidating stranger. “She’s my…”

“Halley isn’t your anything, understand?” The stranger didn’t break eye contact with Xander. I looked at Halley whose mouth hung slightly open as she watched the stranger. “She is not a piece of meat. So if I see you lay a single hand on her ever again I’ll beat the shit out of you.” The guy leaned in closer to Xander. “You got that Preston?” Stranger number one hissed getting even closer to Xander’s face as he spoke, each word sounding more and more dangerous than the last. Nodding his head rapidly Xander scurried back to the table where his friends sat watching the whole fiasco play out before them. Stranger number one stared Xander down for another minute before he turned back to the table leaning onto it slightly towards Halley. “Sorry about that,” Halley shook her head quickly.

“No thank you for helping… I’ve been trying to get him to leave me alone for weeks.” Halley giggled as my eyes left Halley’s knight in shining armour once again and drifted over to the third member of the group. He looked as though he was twenty-four, standing with both his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his black skinny jeans like the others he wore the black shirt with gold stitching above the breast. I let my eyes run over his body, drinking in his features. Starting with the ink that covered his left arm where little space of bare skin remained untouched by the intricate tattoo’s wrapping around the exposed muscle. My eyes drifted up over his torso and to his face. He has a sharp jawline, standing out prominent, his cheeks tanned, and covered with days worth of stubble. His eyes were big and round, childlike almost, clouded a deep blue colour, bushy eyebrows following the curve of his brow bone. His nose appeared to have been broken before as it loomed over a pair of smirking lips. His hair was a dark shade of brown and styled into a presentable quiff. I was unable to stop myself from looking back at his eyes, where to my surprise he was already looking at me. Feeling my cheeks redden I looked down to the table trying to calm myself.

“Don’t worry about it. That guy is a creep.” I felt Halley kick my shin under the table causing me to wince slightly and look up at her. I heard a deep chuckle come from one of the strangers. “Have a good night ladies.” I looked up once again to meet the eyes of the blue-eyed stranger, he smiled sightly as he turned on his heel and followed his friends towards the door.

“Holy shit, do you know who that was?” Halley asked her lips pulled into a big smile. I shook my head and picked up my beer, sipping it. “Sienna, we were just saved by the three hottest bartenders who work at the Ivy.” She clapped her hands together.

“You… They saved you.”

“Semantics.” She giggled. “I can’t believe it… Those guys… I don’t think they’ve ever done that before… They don’t usually talk to people.”

“What do you even mean ‘They don’t usually talk to people’. Halley that’s ridiculous. They’re just people.” I tucked some hair behind my ear. “Who are they anyway?” I asked as I grabbed a slice of pizza, pulling the toppings off to eat. She took a deep breath, preparing herself.

“Okay, so the one who told Xander to back off, his name is George MacKay. He’s studying Mechanical Engineering. I can’t even count the amount of time’s I’ve drooled over him.” She picked up her own beer and took a sip.

“That’s attractive.”

“The quiet one at the back with the longer hair. Did you see him?” She ignored me only stopping when she waited for me to nod. “His name is Logan Daniels.” I nodded again. “He’s studying Microbiology. Super smart.”

“Halley, you need to breathe.”

“Can’t too excited.” I laughed shaking my head picking at the pizza again. “Okay, so the last one… The last one, with all the tattoos… His name is Dean Charles Chapman, he’s studying English Literature, he wants to become a journalist I think Stacey told me once. Stacey has been trying to get with him since she met him at the Ivy last year” My interest in him peaked as she spoke. “My God, I can’t wait to tell her all of this.” She beamed.

“Have you ever spoken to him before?” I asked. “Or any of them?” Halley shook her head no.

“Not really, maybe once or twice at the Ivy. You know the occasional ‘Sorry I just bumped into you.’ Or the ‘Can I get a vodka Redbull.’ But nothing that would explain that.” She started to fan herself.

“Maybe he’s interested in you?” I shrugged my shoulders still picking at the pizza in front of me.

“Do you think?” She asked her eyes going wide, cheeks flushing pink.

“You never know.” I downed the last of my beer and threw a twenty dollar note on the table as Halley threw down another fifteen. “Let’s get to the club. I really don’t want to wait in line tonight.”

Stale piss.

From the minute we walked in the door’s it’s all I could smell. No matter how much this place was scrubbed from top to bottom, the scent never changed. No matter how much bleach was poured on the floor and smothered over surfaces, it would still smell like stale piss.

At least to me, Maybe it doesn't to other people. Maybe to others, it's still a place of joy, and happiness but now, to me it was the same mundane, piss scented bar. People come here to find love at the bottom of a whiskey filled glass, hoping for a night of meaningless passionless, lust-driven sex. Maybe sometimes they find it, maybe they don’t. Booths lined the walls where people sat drinking and talking, some girls begging for attention, others danced in their seats laughing at how silly they must look to onlookers like me. A couple of tables littered the area around the bar and barstools lining half the length of the bar.

“Come on Sienna, it’s a girl’s night, at least pretend to have fun.” Stacey pulls at my hand, her fake nails digging into my palm as her long blonde hair swirled around her face, her blue eyes large and round, her lips fake and pouted. “This is the promise land, any of these boys could be yours for the night.” She motioned around us as guys looked girls up and down as if they were some sort of meat on display at a butcher. “Maybe more, if you’re lucky.” She winked at me and giggled as she hit her hip into mine. I hate this place. It's not a promise land, where I can meet new and interesting people, hold intelligent conversations with people. All it is a place for twenty-something-year-olds to come in the chance of getting a quick lay.

“I’m going to get a drink,” I yelled over the loud obnoxious music to Halley and Stacey. “I need to be wasted to be here.”

“I’ll come.” Halley smiled grabbing onto my elbow. “Maybe we’ll see our friends again.” I rolled my eyes and pushed through the sweaty people nearing the bar.

“As long as it ends up with me drinking alcohol that’s fine with me.” I pushed someone softly out of the way, worming through other bodies to get Halley and me to the front. “Excuse me,” I grunted as we made it out of the swarming crowd near the dance floor. We stopped to look over the bar, three bartenders stood behind it, each making a drink.

“C’mon it’s less crowded over here.” Halley grabbed my arm around, as we headed down to the less populated end. I laughed and looked at which bartender was serving in the middle section of the bar.

“Sure it doesn’t have anything to do with the bartender.” I looked over my shoulder to see George pouring whisky into a shot glass.

“Are you having fun?” Halley yelled over the music ignoring me completely, turning her back on the bar. I nodded my head shrugging, indifferent. “Sienna, I wish you were having more fun.” She frowned reaching out grabbing my hand.

“What can I get for you?” A deep voice rumbled from behind us over the music, I watched as Halley’s eyes went wide. She turned slowly to face George, who had a smile pulling on his lips. “Nice to see you again ladies.” I nudged Halley with my elbow. She snapped out of her daze and smiled politely.

“Hi, uh, Yeah.” She shook her head. “I mean, thanks for that… tonight at Uncle Tony’s I mean…” I looked down and played with my rings as I waited for Halley to order drinks for both of us. “So you work here huh?” Halley tried. “I mean obviously you work here.” I watched on as Halley awkwardly found her ground, pushing her hair behind her ear as she laughed at herself.

“Can I get you something.” A deep voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see the guy with the tattoos - Dean - from tonight, leaning against the bar smiling down at me. I looked at the bottles shelved behind him as I walked up to the bar leaning on it, bottom lip slipping between my teeth as I thought. Finally, I gave up, looking from the bottles to him.

“I'm not too sure... Why don't you surprise me?” I leant forward on the bar, getting closer to him, the light flowed around him making him look angelic.

“Do you like sweet or sour?” His voice was husky as I maintained eye contact, trying not to lose myself in the blue of his eyes anymore than I already had. I couldn’t help my lips twisting up slightly at the comment.

“I’m feeling sweet tonight.” He chuckled white teeth exposing themselves as he smiled, turning his back to me. Grabbing the bottles of alcohol from the shelves behind me he turned his head slightly. I began to fiddle with my rings, twisting them a nervous habit of mine.

“What’s your name?” I stopped, my hand's frozen on the bar, turning around to face me he was placing all the ingredient's on the bench in front of me. "Are you not allowed to tell me your name?" He smiled at me again and I was gone, a breathy smile escaped me as he smiled down at me.

“Sienna, And you? What's your name?" He continued to make my drink.

"Dean." I nodded my head. “It’s nice to meet you Sienna.”

"So what are you making there Dean?" I looked up at him again, he was still watching me, watching as I leaned forward lip in between my teeth, eyes curious as he poured the liqueurs out.

"Espresso martini." He started to shake it. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and giggle. He stopped shaking and lent forward onto the bar."Don't you like Espresso Martini’s, Sienna?” The way my name sounded coming from him made my stomach flutter. Feeling dangerous and unlike myself, I lent towards him.

"It's okay. I mean it’s literally the martini version of the classic ‘white girl’ drink of vodka Redbull. A basic drink, easily done and something I can recreate at home, But I’ll give it a try." I leant forward towards him, our noses almost touching, I could feel his breath against my skin. "Who knows maybe you do it differently to the others… Better perhaps.”

“I definitely do it better.” We weren’t talking about the drink anymore. He replied pulling away to finish the drink, only looking up when it was finished. "One hopefully not boring Espresso Martini." He smirked at me causing me to giggle. I pulled my card from my wallet and went to hand it to him. He shook his head and pushed the drink closer to me. "Don't worry about it. It's on me.”

"Dean, I insist." I pushed the card out towards him again, he put a hand up to stop me from trying anymore.

"It's fine. Enjoy your night." He collected everything he’d used for the drink, turning to put it back into the respective spots.

"Dean." He turned around; I was still in my previous spot, watching him as he worked. He walked closer, leaning slightly across the bar. I smiled up playfully and before I even knew what was happening, What I was doing. I’d leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank-you," I whispered into his ear, my cheek still pushed against his. “I’m sure the drink is delicious." I pulled away, picking up the drink, walking away, with one final glance over my shoulder. He was leaning on the bar, a devastatingly handsome smile on his face.

“Sienna, there you are.” Stacey grabbed my shoulder pulling me to a stop. A bit of my drink spilled onto the ground, splashing over her shoes. “Sorry.” She looked over her shoes before back to me. “Have you seen Halley?” I shook my head.

“Last I saw her, she was at the bar talking to one of the bartenders, George.” I looked back to the bar to see Halley still where I’d left her. Smiling as he handed her a drink. She smiled and waved before making her way over to us. “Here she is.”

“Sorry.” She apologised. “George and I got to talking.” There wasn’t a trace of remorse in her tone as she giggled. She looked at me as my eyebrow corked up. “I’ll explain later.” I nodded my head, bringing my drink to my lips. I sipped carefully. The mix of vodka, coffee liqueur and espresso dancing across my tongue, rich, indulgent and creamy. Dean was right, he does do it better.

“Whose dancing with me?” Stacey changed the subject, her eyes still on the bar… On George and Dean. “Because, ladies there are so many young, attractive males here tonight, who I think to deserve a show.” I followed her eyes, she was watching Dean as he threw a piece of ice at George laughing when it hit his friend in the back. I turned back, looking at Halley.

“What do you say?” Halley smiled. Her eyes went to the bar, to George. I smiled weakly.

“Look’s like we’re dancing.” I grabbed Halley’s hand, dragging her behind Stacey onto the dance floor. “You better put on a good show for him.” I moaned. “Because I could be home right now, listening to Jimmy Buffet on cheap shitty red wine.” She shook her head.

“You’re always drunk on cheap shitty red wine.” She taunted back. “But I will put on a good show.” She smirked, swaying her hips. “He watching?” Quickly I darted my eyes to the bar… To George. His eyes were on Halley.

“He’s watching.”

Sweat. Smoke. Alcohol. Body odour. That’s all that I could smell wherever I went, wherever I turned. Around me bodies moved pushing themselves up against any surface they could, grabbing onto other people as their bodies gyrated against another person.

“C’mon Sienna. Dance with me.” Halley grabbed my hands.

“Halley you know I hate to dance, it’s not something I’m good at. It’s -.”

“Sienna.” I was cut off by a boy who came up stopping beside us, slinging an arm around my waist pulling me into an awkward side hug fingertips digging into my skin as the material of my t-shirt lifted. I vaguely recognised him from my communications class, but we weren't friends so nothing made this encounter less uncomfortable. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” He yelled over the music before he looked at Halley and smiled I waited for him to remove his arm from my waist but he never did, which caused me to raise my eyebrow at Halley. “Sorry, my names Henry. Sienna and I share a communications class.” Henry that’s what his name was… Henry.

“Halley,” She said extending an arm to Henry following it with a deathly glare. Henry smiled, extending his own hand to Halley. Shaking his hand, she didn’t drop her glare. “Nice to meet you.”

“You ladies having a good night?” Henry slurred, words joining each other in a drunken fashion, his weight shifting onto me.

“We are, thanks,” I yelled back, hoping he’d catch my tone.

“Me too.” He ran his free hand through his hair. “I’m fucked though. The boys and I have been drinking since four this afternoon.” He chuckled stupidly.

“Wow, I’m surprised you’re standing.” Halley deadpanned.

“Do you want to dance Sienna?” Henry smiled down at me.

“I don’t really dance.”

“I can teach you.” His drunken smile widened as his hand dropped down to grab mine, pulling me away from Halley before I could object. I stumbled my way through the crowd trying to loosen Henry’s grip on my hand, hoping I could lose him in the crowd when Henry stopped. I looked around smiling awkwardly trying to figure out how exactly people moved to this kind of music. Studying how they rocked their bodies somewhat in tempo with the music. “You don’t like Iggy?” Henry asked, mouths moving to the song. I shrugged again.

“I’m not good at dancing, remember.” I shrugged and started to sway side to side holding my hands together hoping Henry wouldn't grab hold of them again before I figured out a way to leave without offending him. There was nothing worse than a white boy who got rejected. Against my highest hopes, he grabbed my hands and started to pull them above my head and make me move more freely or so he thought, it couldn't have felt any stranger for me than it did. He kept this up for a while before he pulled me closer to him so his body was pressed against mine attempting to get our bodies to move as one to the music, thrusting his hips into mine, his lips going to my neck his nose travelling along the length of it before he planted a kiss on my collar bone. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, Everyone was standing too close to me and I forgot how to breathe.

“You look really good Sienna.”

“I need some water,” I said quickly pulling away from him and rushing off the dance floor. I reached the water station at the bar, pouring myself a cup and downing it.

“Easy tiger.” I looked up to meet the worried eyes of George “Are you okay?” I nodded my head and poured another drink. “You’re Halley’s friend right?” He held his hand out. “I’m George.” I extended my hand and opened my mouth ready to reply.

“Sienna there you are.” My eyes widened as I heard Henry yell from behind me. “Why’d you run back there?” I turned and tried to answer but he just got closer. “I thought we were having a good time.”

“I just really needed water.” I motioned behind me. “Worked up a thirst.”

“But things were just getting started.” Henry smiled, a smiled I’m sure he thought would have me weak at the knees as he reached around and grabbed onto my ass and give it a squeeze.

“Hey.” I yelped, trying to back away.

“Did you seriously just grab her,” George growled from behind me.

“She liked it, don’t worry big guy.” My mouth dropped, hands going up to his chest.

“What the fu—.”

“Sir.” We both looked over to see a tall, built security guard standing near us. “I’m going to need you to come with me.” Henry pushed himself away from me, knocking me back into the wood of the bar. “You need to leave the premises.”

“I’m not even drunk.” He argued. “You can’t kick me out for being sober.”

“You need to come with me sir, you’re making a scene.”

“S, Are you okay?” Halley whispered in my ear as she rushed up to stand beside me.

“Why am I being kicked out.” Henry continued to argue chest puffing out.

“One of our staff advised us that you are too intoxicated to be on-premises.” The security guard got closer.

“Who told you that.”

“Don’t make me throw you out.” Henry took one look between me and the guard.

“She’s not even worth it.” He looked at me once again scoffing and pushing past us. The guard nodded at us before following him out.

“Sienna” I heard from behind me. I turned to see George still standing behind us, leaning down on the bar. “Are you sure you’re okay? You rushed out of there pretty quickly.” I let my head fall back against the brick wall next to the water fountain.

“Yeah, he was just giving me a weird vibe.”

“So he’s not your boyfriend.” Halley and I shook my head. “So you’re single.” I nodded. “Thank god. We had reports of him spiking other girls drink. When Dea - One of the guys saw him dancing with you, he got Big Mike involved.”

“Thanks, George.”

“Come on Sienna, Let’s get you home.” I let Halley pull me to the door, Stopping to say goodbye to Stacey and the other girls as we made our way to the door. I looked back to the bar where I saw Dean on the way out a girl sitting in front of him at the bar, running a hand up and down his arm. He wasn’t watching her though, His eyes were on me. With one final look at Dean, Halley pulled me out the door and back to reality.

#dean charles chapman #Dean Charles Chapman x reader #Fanfic #george mackay #george mackay x reader #George MacKay fanfic #GeorgeMackay #George MacKay Imagine #Dean Charles Chapman Imagine #Dean Charles Chapman Fanfic

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babygirlizz · 5 years ago

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Movies and TV shows of 2019

Okay so a couple or few years ago I did a review of movies that had released that year because I was super into movies that year. I am still into movies, but I have been watching a lot more shows this year. So, I will be reviewing movies and tv shows. Furthermore, I will be including stuff released this year, that I found this year, or that has a new season this year. Basically just anything that I have loved this year. Also, I don’t feel like ranking, so no particular order. Also, SPOILERS AHEAD - if you see a title of something you have not seen, and don’t want spoilers, please feel free to skip that section. Also, some of these I haven’t seen in a hot minute so if I get a detail messed up, we won’t speak on it. And finally, trigger warning - if you have struggled with sexual assault and may have an issue reading about it, either skip this post entirely or skip over the review of “Unbelievable.”

MOVIES -

1. After

I have been waiting for this since middle school. I read the after books on wattpad because what teenager in love with harry styles didn’t. Now I will be real with y'all. The acting could use some work in specific scenes, and some of the actors aren't MY favorite picks for certain roles, but I’m not gonna hate on actors. Ok so, Tessa (Josephine Langford) is an incoming freshman in college and is rooming with an upperclassmen, Steph (Khadijha Red Thunder) who has a friend named Hardin (Hero Fiennes-Tiffin). Steph wants Tessa to branch out and do new things, so she invites her to a party, where they play the stereotypical games, and thats when Hardin is kind of dared to make Tessa fall in love with him. ALSO, Tessa has a high school boyfriend named Noah (Dylan Arnold). She starts seeing Hardin, her boyfriend finds out, she falls in love with Hardin, and finds out it was all a dare. Buuuuuuut, pLoT tWiSt he actually loves her.

2. Avengers: Endgame

Ok listen, Infinity War was heartbreaking bc Bucky duh, but y'all are really gonna take Tony (RDJ) and Steve (Chris Evans) away from me? Shut up. Still, this was a really good movie and I’m not just saying that because I’m a marvel hoe. FRICK Thanos and thats on Ant Man. Thats literally all I have to say.

3. Annabelle Comes Home

I am a whore for scary movies. I love them so much and this one was *chefs kiss*. I love Mckenna Grace, she's such a good young actress and she fits so well in scary moves. There’s not much to say about the plot in this one, and ya really need to see it. Also, Bob (Michael Cimino) is so heckin cute what the heck.

4. Let It Snow

Ok this is a lot to unpack so grab ya snacks. Let’s talk about couple number 1 (of 3), Tobin (Mitchell Hope) and Angie (Kiernan Shipka) who are best friends. Tobin is in love with Angie but doesn’t know how to tell her, and gets lots of unwanted encouragement from his best friend Keon (Jacob Batalon) who just wants to throw a heckin good party, is that too much to ask for? So Angie gets invited to a party by some cute guy, JP (M and Tobin is jealous but goes with her anyways and they steal a keg for Keon’s party and run from the scary hosts of the party and end up stranded in a church after his car spins out of control. They finally make it to the party and kiss on the roof with the waffle town sign shining bright behind them. NEXT - we have Julie (Isabela Merced) and Stuart (Shameik Moore). This is kind of really cliche with the whole “he’s-famous-she-doesn’t-care-he-finds-that-attractive-lets-fall-in-love” aspect, but its also hella cute uwu. They meet on a train and the train stops so they go eat at the waffle town and go sledding and do a bunch of cute coupley shit. His manager comes to get him and basically tells her that nothing will ever really happen between them and he leaves. Then, he shows up at the party and they fall in love. NEXT- we have Dorrie (Liv Hewson) who is a lesbian that constantly struggles with the gay panic. Her best friend Addie (Odeya Rush) doesn't help much either because she's having her own relationship problems. Dorrie works at Waffle Town and when she's working the girl she's talking to, Kerry (Anna Akana) comes in with her dance team, and she's not out of the closet. A bunch of shit goes down, but they end up together and Dorrie learns that she’s worth more than she thinks and that’s all that matters. Also, Billy (Miles Robbins) and Tin Foil Woman (Joan Cusack) make wonderful additions to this movie.

5. The King

First of all - Timothée Chalamet and Robert Pattinson in the same movie? Sign me the HECK up. But they’re also historical, frick yea. Not too much to say about this movie other than it’s good. Super graphic (don’t watch if you don’t like decapitation lol) and super long, but good nonetheless.

6. Falling Inn Love

This movie is super freaking cute. Gabriela (Christina Milian) decides that she needs a change and enters a contest to win an Inn in New Zealand. She wins the Inn and is shocked when she realizes the Inn needs a LOT of work. She goes around town to get stuff to fix up the Inn and constantly runs into Jake (Adam Demos) and they have this flirty but we don’t like each other relationship, but then ya know, they fall in(n) love.

SHOWS -

1. The Society

I could talk about this show for hours, literally. I love it so much it’s insane. Ok, so lets start from the beginning. A town called West Ham is being plagued by a disgusting smell. Due to this, the town decides to send busloads of teenagers to the mountains while they try and resolve the smell situation. All of the teenagers fall asleep on the bus and wake up to the announcement that they had to go back home due to road blocks. When they get off the buses, its late and no one is there to pick them up. They think that it may just be a sense of miscommunication, so they head home, only to find that none of their families are there, and they can’t get ahold of any of them over the phone. They finally decide to investigate and find that all exits out of town are completely blocked off. They then decide to find a way to survive without their families. This causes a lot of tension within the town including the death of a main character. This shows also includes gay representation!!!! This is my favorite couple, Sam (Sean Birdy) and Grizz (Jack Mulhern). Sam is deaf and gay and his brother, Campbell (Toby Wallace), makes fun of him for both reasons, and when the whole issue with the town happens, he believes he will never find love because he doesn’t think anyone else is gay, until Grizz comes along, and tries to learn ASL and loves him for him.

2. Roswell New Mexico

Alright, to be completely honest, I did not want to watch this. I have no idea why I just didn’t. I saw an edit on like instagram or something of the couples in the show and I was like, alright I can give it a chance. And spoiler alert I loved it. The series starts off with Liz Ortecho (Jeanine Mason) comes back to her hometown of Roswell around the time of her the anniversary of her sister, Rosa’s (Amber Midthunder), death. She gets pulled over on her way in and the officer that pulled her over was Max Evans (Nathan Parsons), who has had a crush on her since they first met, and just so happens to be an alien. After Liz gets shot in her families restaurant, Max uses his healing powers to save her, but leaves behind a hand print on her that makes her suspicious. She continues to investigate until he tells her the truth. She also finds out that her sister was actually murdered, and has the same hand print on her that she did when Max healed her. Turns out, his sister, Isobel (Lily Cowels) killed her, but it was actually another alien possessing her (which they didn’t know was possible when she killed her). When they landed on earth they also landed with their “brother” Michael (Michael Vlamis) who starts off the series with an on and off relationship with Alex (Tyler Blackburn) and I love them together. Alex is the son of one of the guys trying to find and take down the aliens and he also went to war and lost his leg. Anyways, towards the end of the season Alex starts seeing Maria (Heather Hemmens), which is a couple I don’t really like, but also bi representation is good! Anyways I don’t really wanna spoil this one too much I just love it a lot.

3. Elite

This is a show that came out in 2018, but they released a second season this year. All I’m saying is please watch the original version, not the dubbed over version. Elite is a spanish show about a few students that get a scholarship to the private school after their school gets demolished. This shows is in the fashion of present and past which includes a lot of flashbacks leading up to the the murder of one of the students. My favorite part of this show is the relationship between Ander (Arón Piper) and Omar (Omar Ayuso). Ander is the son of the head of the school and Omar is the brother of one of the students that got a scholarship. Not only are they of different socioeconomic status’, but Omar is also Muslim, and his family would not approve of him being gay. He finally finds the courage to tell his family, but thats not until season 2. Also, his sister Nadia (Mina El Hammani) falls in love with the “bad boy” of the school, Guzmán (Miguel Bernardeau) and starts going against her parents wishes as well.

4. The Umbrella Academy

Y’all mind if I confuse y'all real quick. So, a bunch of women all of the sudden give birth out of nowhere at the same time even tho none of them were pregnant? Yea I know weird. Anyways, so this dude tries to adopt as many of them as possible and ends up adopting like 7. They all have powers and they try and stop the apocalypse. That’s literally all I can tell y'all.

5. Unbelievable

I swear I didn’t mean to get y’all upset right now. This show made me angry and sad and so many other feelings all at once. So the show beings with a girl named Marie (Kaitlyn Dever) getting raped in her home. When she reports it, they can’t find any evidence, as he cleaned the apartment and made her shower. This mixed with the fact that she struggles remembering parts of her experience (which is common with sexual assault), the police don’t believe her and force her to retract her statement. This in itself is awful, but they also charge her with false statement, which adds on to the fact that people already believe that she is a liar. Years later, two female detectives, Karen and Grace, piece together rapes in their precincts and once they find the rapist, they find Marie’s picture in with his belongings, proving that she was telling the truth the entire time.

6. Sailor Moon

I just got into anime and all I have to say is that I love this. That is all.

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mostlysignssomeportents · 6 years ago

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2019 Hugo Award finalists announced

The 2019 Hugo Award nominees have been announced; the Hugos will be presented this summer at the 2019 World Science Fiction Convention in Dublin, Ireland.

Normally, I find that I've read and reviewed a huge slice of the year's finalists, but this year is different; I've done a lot less reading lately, partly because I wrote two books in 2018 and partly because the new EU Copyright Directive ate my life for about 10 months in the past year.

I was a little sad to be so far behind the curve when I saw the new list, but then I realized that this meant that I had a bunch of really exciting books to add to my to-be-read pile!

One notable inclusion: the Archive of Our Own fanfic archive -- a project of the Organization for Transformative Works (for whose advisory board I volunteer) -- is up for "Best Related Work."

Congrats to all the nominees!

Best Novel * The Calculating Stars, by Mary Robinette Kowal (Tor) * Record of a Spaceborn Few, by Becky Chambers (Hodder & Stoughton / Harper Voyager) * Revenant Gun, by Yoon Ha Lee (Solaris) * Space Opera, by Catherynne M. Valente (Saga) * Spinning Silver, by Naomi Novik (Del Rey / Macmillan) * Trail of Lightning, by Rebecca Roanhorse (Saga)

Best Novella * Artificial Condition, by Martha Wells (Tor.com Publishing) * Beneath the Sugar Sky, by Seanan McGuire (Tor.com Publishing) * Binti: The Night Masquerade, by Nnedi Okorafor (Tor.com Publishing) * The Black God’s Drums, by P. Djèlí Clark (Tor.com Publishing) * Gods, Monsters, and the Lucky Peach, by Kelly Robson (Tor.com Publishing) * The Tea Master and the Detective, by Aliette de Bodard (Subterranean Press / JABberwocky Literary Agency)

Best Novelette * “If at First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try Again,” by Zen Cho (B&N Sci-Fi and Fantasy Blog, 29 November 2018) * “The Last Banquet of Temporal Confections,” by Tina Connolly (Tor.com, 11 July 2018) * “Nine Last Days on Planet Earth,” by Daryl Gregory (Tor.com, 19 September 2018) * The Only Harmless Great Thing, by Brooke Bolander (Tor.com Publishing) * “The Thing About Ghost Stories,” by Naomi Kritzer (Uncanny Magazine 25, November- December 2018) * “When We Were Starless,” by Simone Heller (Clarkesworld 145, October 2018)

Best Short Story * “The Court Magician,” by Sarah Pinsker (Lightspeed, January 2018) * “The Rose MacGregor Drinking and Admiration Society,” by T. Kingfisher (Uncanny Magazine 25, November-December 2018) * “The Secret Lives of the Nine Negro Teeth of George Washington,” by P. Djèlí Clark (Fireside Magazine, February 2018) * “STET,” by Sarah Gailey (Fireside Magazine, October 2018) * “The Tale of the Three Beautiful Raptor Sisters, and the Prince Who Was Made of Meat,” by Brooke Bolander (Uncanny Magazine 23, July-August 2018) * “A Witch’s Guide to Escape: A Practical Compendium of Portal Fantasies,” by Alix E. Harrow (Apex Magazine, February 2018)

Best Series * The Centenal Cycle, by Malka Older (Tor) * The Laundry Files, by Charles Stross (most recently Tor.com Publishing/Orbit) * Machineries of Empire, by Yoon Ha Lee (Solaris) * The October Daye Series, by Seanan McGuire (most recently DAW) * The Universe of Xuya, by Aliette de Bodard (most recently Subterranean Press) * Wayfarers, by Becky Chambers (Hodder & Stoughton / Harper Voyager)

Best Related Work * Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works * Astounding: John W. Campbell, Isaac Asimov, Robert A. Heinlein, L. Ron Hubbard, and the Golden Age of Science Fiction, by Alec Nevala-Lee (Dey Street Books) * The Hobbit Duology (documentary in three parts), written and edited by Lindsay Ellis and Angelina Meehan (YouTube) * An Informal History of the Hugos: A Personal Look Back at the Hugo Awards, 1953- 2000, by Jo Walton (Tor) * www.mexicanxinitiative.com: The Mexicanx Initiative Experience at Worldcon 76 (Julia Rios, Libia Brenda, Pablo Defendini, John Picacio) * Ursula K. Le Guin: Conversations on Writing, by Ursula K. Le Guin with David Naimon (Tin House Books)

Best Graphic Story * Abbott, written by Saladin Ahmed, art by Sami Kivelä, colours by Jason Wordie, letters by Jim Campbell (BOOM! Studios) * Black Panther: Long Live the King, written by Nnedi Okorafor and Aaron Covington, art by André Lima Araújo, Mario Del Pennino and Tana Ford (Marvel) * Monstress, Volume 3: Haven, written by Marjorie Liu, art by Sana Takeda (Image Comics) * On a Sunbeam, by Tillie Walden (First Second) * Paper Girls, Volume 4, written by Brian K. Vaughan, art by Cliff Chiang, colours by Matt Wilson, letters by Jared K. Fletcher (Image Comics) * Saga, Volume 9, written by Brian K. Vaughan, art by Fiona Staples (Image Comics)

Best Dramatic Presentation, Long Form * Annihilation, directed and written for the screen by Alex Garland, based on the novel by Jeff VanderMeer (Paramount Pictures / Skydance) * Avengers: Infinity War, screenplay by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, directed by Anthony Russo and Joe Russo (Marvel Studios) * Black Panther, written by Ryan Coogler and Joe Robert Cole, directed by Ryan Coogler (Marvel Studios) * A Quiet Place, screenplay by Scott Beck, John Krasinski and Bryan Woods, directed by John Krasinski (Platinum Dunes / Sunday Night) * Sorry to Bother You, written and directed by Boots Riley (Annapurna Pictures) * Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, screenplay by Phil Lord and Rodney Rothman, directed by Bob Persichetti, Peter Ramsey and Rodney Rothman (Sony)

Best Dramatic Presentation, Short Form * The Expanse: “Abaddon’s Gate,” written by Daniel Abraham, Ty Franck and Naren Shankar, directed by Simon Cellan Jones (Penguin in a Parka / Alcon Entertainment) * Doctor Who: “Demons of the Punjab,” written by Vinay Patel, directed by Jamie Childs (BBC) * Dirty Computer, written by Janelle Monáe, directed by Andrew Donoho and Chuck Lightning (Wondaland Arts Society / Bad Boy Records / Atlantic Records) * The Good Place: “Janet(s),” written by Josh Siegal & Dylan Morgan, directed by Morgan Sackett (NBC) * The Good Place: “Jeremy Bearimy,” written by Megan Amram, directed by Trent O’Donnell (NBC) * Doctor Who: “Rosa,” written by Malorie Blackman and Chris Chibnall, directed by Mark Tonderai (BBC)

Best Professional Editor, Short Form * Neil Clarke * Gardner Dozois * Lee Harris * Julia Rios * Lynne M. Thomas and Michael Damian Thomas * E. Catherine Tobler

Best Professional Editor, Long Form * Sheila E. Gilbert * Anne Lesley Groell * Beth Meacham * Diana Pho * Gillian Redfearn * Navah Wolfe

Best Professional Artist * Galen Dara * Jaime Jones * Victo Ngai * John Picacio * Yuko Shimizu * Charles Vess

Best Semiprozine * Beneath Ceaseless Skies, editor-in-chief and publisher Scott H. Andrews * Fireside Magazine, edited by Julia Rios, managing editor Elsa Sjunneson-Henry, social coordinator Meg Frank, special features editor Tanya DePass, founding editor Brian White, publisher and art director Pablo Defendini * FIYAH Magazine of Black Speculative Fiction, executive editors Troy L. Wiggins and DaVaun Sanders, editors L.D. Lewis, Brandon O’Brien, Kaleb Russell, Danny Lore, and Brent Lambert * Shimmer, publisher Beth Wodzinski, senior editor E. Catherine Tobler * Strange Horizons, edited by Jane Crowley, Kate Dollarhyde, Vanessa Rose Phin, Vajra Chandrasekera, Romie Stott, Maureen Kincaid Speller, and the Strange Horizons Staff * Uncanny Magazine, publishers/editors-in-chief Lynne M. Thomas and Michael Damian Thomas, managing editor Michi Trota, podcast producers Erika Ensign and Steven Schapansky, Disabled People Destroy Science Fiction Special Issue editors-in-chief Elsa Sjunneson-Henry and Dominik Parisien

Best Fanzine * Galactic Journey, founder Gideon Marcus, editor Janice Marcus * Journey Planet, edited by Team Journey Planet * Lady Business, editors Ira, Jodie, KJ, Renay & Susan * nerds of a feather, flock together, editors Joe Sherry, Vance Kotrla and The G * Quick Sip Reviews, editor Charles Payseur * Rocket Stack Rank, editors Greg Hullender and Eric Wong

Best Fancast * Be the Serpent, presented by Alexandra Rowland, Freya Marske and Jennifer Mace * The Coode Street Podcast, presented by Jonathan Strahan and Gary K. Wolfe * Fangirl Happy Hour, hosted by Ana Grilo and Renay Williams * Galactic Suburbia, hosted by Alisa Krasnostein, Alexandra Pierce, and Tansy Rayner Roberts, produced by Andrew Finch * Our Opinions Are Correct, hosted by Annalee Newitz and Charlie Jane Anders * The Skiffy and Fanty Show, produced by Jen Zink and Shaun Duke, hosted by the Skiffy and Fanty Crew

Best Fan Writer * Foz Meadows * James Davis Nicoll * Charles Payseur * Elsa Sjunneson-Henry * Alasdair Stuart * Bogi Takács

Best Fan Artist * Sara Felix * Grace P. Fong * Meg Frank * Ariela Housman * Likhain (Mia Sereno) * Spring Schoenhuth

Best Art Book * The Books of Earthsea: The Complete Illustrated Edition, illustrated by Charles Vess, written by Ursula K. Le Guin (Saga Press /Gollancz) * Daydreamer’s Journey: The Art of Julie Dillon, by Julie Dillon (self-published) * Dungeons & Dragons Art & Arcana: A Visual History, by Michael Witwer, Kyle Newman, Jon Peterson, Sam Witwer (Ten Speed Press) * Spectrum 25: The Best in Contemporary Fantastic Art, ed. John Fleskes (Flesk Publications) * Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse – The Art of the Movie, by Ramin Zahed (Titan Books) * Tolkien: Maker of Middle-earth, ed. Catherine McIlwaine (Bodleian Library)

John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer * Katherine Arden (2nd year of eligibility) * S.A. Chakraborty (2nd year of eligibility) * R.F. Kuang (1st year of eligibility) * Jeannette Ng (2nd year of eligibility) * Vina Jie-Min Prasad (2nd year of eligibility) * Rivers Solomon (2nd year of eligibility)

Lodestar Award for Best Young Adult Book * The Belles, by Dhonielle Clayton (Freeform / Gollancz) * Children of Blood and Bone, by Tomi Adeyemi (Henry Holt / Macmillan Children’s Books) * The Cruel Prince, by Holly Black (Little, Brown / Hot Key Books) * Dread Nation, by Justina Ireland (Balzer + Bray) * The Invasion, by Peadar O’Guilin (David Fickling Books / Scholastic) * Tess of the Road, by Rachel Hartman (Random House / Penguin Teen)

https://boingboing.net/2019/04/02/dublin-worldcon.html

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yogaadvise · 5 years ago

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Top yoga book recommendations

Esther Ekhart

Your body Your Yoga by Bernie Clark - So much greater than makeup publication. It's composed from the viewpoint that we are as different on the inside as we are on the outside as well as the value of practising yoga exercise from an useful technique, according to the range of movement provided by our very own distinct body.

Living Dharma, the flavour of freedom, Quantity 4 by Burgs - Bringing the Buddha's teachings to life, revealing that they are just as relevant today as they were 2500 years ago.

I am that by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj - an old standard that every serious yogi interested in achieving knowledge ought to read.

Julie Martin

What is Fascia as well as Why it Matters by David Lesondak - The initial publication to truly give a clear picture for everybody concerning fascia and its properties and also why we really require to start collaborating with this knowledge. You don't need to be a researcher or composition nerd to understand this publication as David has a fantastic, casual design of composing as well as clarifies what he's discussing really clearly. A must-read if you educate yoga!

Awakening the Back by Vanda Scaravelli - A lovely publication created by a leader in the yoga exercise globe. Her job wasn't really fashionable in the early years of the yoga exercise boom, but numerous even more individuals are headed in that direction now. Vanda is accountable for the quote, 'We require to deal with the body, not versus it'.

Healing the Core Injury of Unworthiness by Adyashanti - An amazing book for everyone, as our culture is plagued with the concept that we are not 'worthy'. Adyashanti is a spiritual non-dualistic educator who brings an obtainable high quality to how we can regard as well as ultimately stay in the suggestion of oneness.

James Reeves

Tantra Lit Up by Christopher Wallis - An extremely comprehensive explanation of how Tantra educates most of our modern techniques of yoga

Finding Quality by Jeru Kabbal - Clear, verbalize and stunning. This is the instructor of Esther's initially instructor [Taetske Kleijn] and it's a publication that touched my heart deeply.

Yoga and the Quest for real Self by Stephen Cope - A great read and a terrific tale of the trip right into the globe of yoga

I Touch by John Prendergast - A truly charming review inviting and also being totally attached with our internal globe of thoughts and feelings.

Anat Geiger

Yoga related: God talks with Arjuna, Yogananda's discourse of the Bhagavad Gita. The job he has actually done is astonishing and there is sufficient motivation below for lots of life times. An additional Gita variation I like is Eknath Easwaran's translation. Beautiful.

Also, anything by Vivekananda. He is incredibly straightforward and also extremely motivating. Whenever I read something by him I feel he eliminates some coat of justifications as well as reasons I indulge in as well as reaches me ideal where it most matters. Raja Yoga - his own commentary on the Sutras of Patanjali - leaves me inspired and also amazed every time.

Poetry: Kabir! Stunning as well as informed. There is so much surprise meaning, delicacy as well as beauty in his words. I obtained a publication with 44 of his thrilled poems from my instructors and I prize it deeply. Here's one of my favourites: Are you looking for me? I am in the next seat. My shoulder is pushed against yours. You will not discover me in stupas, not in Indian shrine rooms, neither in synagogues, neither in basilicas: not in masses, neither kirtans, not in legs winding around your own neck, nor in consuming only vegetables. When you actually search for me, you will certainly see me quickly - you will find me in the smallest home of time. Kabir claims: Trainee, tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath.

How awesome is that?

Buddhism I enjoy the works of Pema Chodron. She is an American Buddhist religious woman with enormous concern, a scrumptious sense of humour as well as a talent with words.

Fiction: I was deeply relocated as well as impressed by Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell. It spans numerous lives and lifetimes (in my view) as well as for me it was everything about Karma. It's an intricate book and also worth every effort. Every from time to time I indulge in well-written fantasy stories - excellent v. wicked kind of fights and also challenges!

Marlene Henny

Moving right into Tranquility by Erich Schiffmann - Wonderfully created as well as quickly reaches the heart of what practising yoga exercise has to do with in easy to understand terms (without all the fluffy brand-new age things). The photographs as well as descriptions of the asanas are clear as well as understandable. I reference it regularly for my own practice as well as for teaching. Get it, read it, like it!

Yoga Spandakarika - The Sacred Texts at the Beginnings of Tantra by Daniel Odier Daniel Odier is a great author as well as his take on the Spandakarika is a lot easier to recognize than several various other translations. What I such as concerning this publication that it that provides an interesting viewpoint and enough info about the actual philosophy of Tantra and also leaves enough location for self-interpretation of the sacred text.

Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga by Sally Kempton - I discovered SO much concerning Hindu sirens, as well as the writer offers the information in an available and compelling way. Each phase, which follows the very same layout, is centred around a specific goddess and consists of reflections to help the reader materialize the goddess as well as her energy. The feminine powers of the world are so interesting. Even assuming regarding them just a tiny little bit as well as taking advantage of them at all can be profound. Certainly recommended!

David Lurey

The Gleam Sutras, translation and discourse by Loren Roche - A heavy poetic present of consciousness and also living a liberated life.

Dying to be Me by Anita Moorjani - A real 'life after death' story that brings a beautiful point of view on the gift of life as well as exactly how to maintain points basic. This publication also offers attractive insights on just how to make challenging choices and also how to keep those we absolutely love in our hearts

A Brief Background of Nearly Whatever by Expense Bryson - Exactly as the title claims ... Fantastic for those who enjoy facts, insights on evolution and also amazing stories of just how we got below as a human race on this one-of-a-kind planet.

Down the Freeway: The Life of Bob Dylan by Howard Sounes - The tale of the best singer/songwriter of contemporary times (in my viewpoint). I am a big Dylan follower as well as this publication lit up many dark edges of the life of among my idolizers. I highly suggest reading a couple of chapters, after that most likely to YouTube for video clips of that time duration to see him and what was taking place. As well as likewise, much more notably, listen to the songs that are explained in the chapters you read.

Gulp by Mary Roach - A lovely as well as detailed story of our digestive system ... yes, seriously! It's amazing and also you'll never ask yourself once more what they are discussing when somebody states 'fecal transplant' at an alcoholic drink party.

Helen Noakes

Life on Land by Emilie Conrad - enthusiastic, dramatic, deep and also discusses breath motion as well as fascia beautifully.

Awakening the Spine by Vanda Scaravelli - Lovely images, poetic radical and also rebellious.

The Initial Body - Primitive Movement for Yoga Teachers by John Stirk - Totally initial, artistic, deep and also imaginative. A publication for life.

Jennilee Toner

Yoga and the Course of the Urban Mystic by Darren Key - Darren Main's book has actually been required reading for all my 200-hour educator trainees because 2010. It is such an enjoyable and easy means to study the practice and viewpoint of yoga exercise. The light and also fresh way Darren Main authentically explains his own way of dealing with the 8 Limbs of Yoga exercise is delightful.

How Yoga Works by Michael Cockroach and Christie McNally - This publication actually changed the means I came close to practising and teaching yoga. My personal technique and also teaching grew unbelievably after my very initial analysis of this Sutra-inspired tale. It came to be more intimate, a lot more intentional, more deliberate and extra soulful. I have actually needed it ever because in my 300-hour teacher trainings and each re-reading has actually even more assisted to advance my method and also training to new degrees of affection and service.

Katy Appleton

One Soul as well as Entering as well as in by Danna Faulds - Danna Faulds' verse publications are expressions and understandings to the internal landscape people as humans. I utilize them to supply deepness in the practice and open the area within.

The Diamond in Your Pocket - Gangaji - this book has to do with spiritual awakening in this life time. The common in the extraordinary!

Tracey Uber Cook

Light on Life by BKS Iyengar - This is a fantastic publication to have in one's collection. It is the culmination of Mr Iyengar's understanding from years of practise as well as teaching, weaving with each other Patanjali's 8 Arm or legs of Yoga exercise as well as the 5 Koshas from the Taittriya Upanishad. I have read this book numerous, often times, though never from cover to cover! I always pick it up and look to a page or phase which calls to me as well as each time it speaks something brand-new and profound to me. I have actually utilized it as a resource in teacher trainings and very suggest it to any person wanting to inquire much deeper right into the method and philosophy of yoga.

The Brilliance Sutras, translation as well as commentary by Loren Roche, PhD - Dr Roche has actually invested decades studying and also equating this luminous translation of the ancient Vijnana Bhairava Tantra message. Its 162 knowledgeables sing the tune of Life and Love in between the Devi (Shakti), the innovative power of deep space, and also Bhairava (Shiva), the boundless awareness which embraces Her and also from which She occurs. The verses define the enigma as well as wonder of Life within every thing, assumed and task. Bringing light to the loving understanding which makes all existence possible.

The Heart of Awareness (Ashtavakra Gita) - translation by Thomas Byrom - Referred to in numerous Vedanta circles as 'the highest training following to silence', this is the tune of understanding in all of its boundless types. I like to take it to the coastline as the sun increases, check out a few lines, and also rest in the quiet of the morning.

Marlene Smits

The Absolutely Nothing that Is by Robert Kaplan - more a metaphysical philosophical publication than a yoga exercise publication, 'taking us from Archimedes to Einstein and making fascinating connections between mathematical insights from every age and culture'.

Living in the Heart by Drunvalo Melchizedek - for a description of how to move from the brain-centred experience of truth to that which originates from the heart.

Irina Verwer

The Course Of Technique by Maya Tiwari - A stunning book on Ayurveda for women. Inspiring as well as heartwarming.

After the Euphoria, the Washing by Jack Kornfield - Quick, succinct, funny, and always informing stories.

Feeding Your Demons by Tsultrim Allione - Clearly created, sensible, and thorough instruction.

Nichi Green

Yoga and also the Quest for the True Self by Stephen Cope - I've simply finished reading this as well as definitely enjoyed it. Written much more like a novel, Stephen is a psychotherapist as well as yoga educator. His insight and experiences of yoga exercise are phenomenal and also he associates a great deal of it to spiritual technique as well as the restorative influence that yoga exercise has when you immerse on your own in it for enough time. Among my leading 10 yoga books!

Gilda Goharian

The Subtle Body by Stefanie Syman - This book is concerning the growth of yoga in the United States as well as exactly how it progressed from an old spiritual technique to a practice that countless Americans position at the centre of their lifestyle. Guide is entertaining and also simple to read.

... Unlike virtually everything by the late Georg Feuerstein, who dedicated his life to the understanding and also technique of yoga exercise! Every one of his publications are thick and scholastic however I can still advise him for his substantial knowledge as well as knowledge. If you ask me to select one I would certainly select Yoga Custom: Its History, Literary Works, Ideology as well as Method. The book supplies a full introduction of every yogic tradition, from the familiar to the lesser-known types. Not always a web page turner however it may be whatever you need if you're interested in yoga exercise viewpoint and background. And also once you begin checking out and get utilized to the design it can be entertaining too.

George Langenberg

Kriya Yoga: 4 Spiritual Masters as well as a Novice - If you have checked out Autobiography of a Yogi by Yogananda then you learn about the sages who acquired the highest degree through reflection in the Kriya Yoga family tree. Yoga is a course of Self Realisation as well as through Kriya Yoga exercise you can walk this path.

I read Autobiography of a Yogi in 1998 and also at the time wished that I might fulfill an educator that would show me 'the way' and show me a lot more regarding Raja yoga, reflection and also Pranayama. In 2001 this wish came to life: I satisfied my Guruji (spiritual teacher) in India and obtained Kriya Yoga exercise initiation in 2002. This book is concerning the Kriya Yoga family tree I comply with and also concerning being devout to a living Master. I have found out so a lot under his assistance over the previous 16 years. The lessons and reflections that I share on EkhartYoga are simply an understanding of the depth of the Kriya Yoga method where breath, embodied awareness and dedication collaborated in greater realms of the mind.

#ashtanga yoga #healing #iyengar yoga #kriya yoga #pranayama #prenatal yoga #raja yoga #spiritual #spiritual awakening #types of yoga #yin yoga #yoga #yoga alliance #yoga music #yoga nidra #yoga works

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jastersmohnson · 5 years ago

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Rewatching Masters of Sex: Volume 6

Season 3 Episodes 1-5

I've always adored the first half of season three. Perhaps it's the fact that it's the only point in the series where Bill and Virginia are all "lovey" towards each other until the end of season four. Or perhaps it's the naivety that the season hasn't gone horribly wrong yet. After taking a few weeks off from Masters of Sex, I'm back to tackle this season. So, in the spirit of Bob Dylan, let's go ninety miles an hour down this dead end street.

I kid, of course. I do genuinely like season three! But immediately you could tell something was off with this season, right before it even started. Because in the recap for episode one, there's a bizarre part where they're recaping Libby's tryst with Robert, and they include that scene from "Mirror, Mirror" where Libby witnessed that lynching. But it's inserted in a way to imply that it was Robert who was lynched. Jeez, what a dishonest way to start the season!

The choice to do flashbacks in the season premiere, going back from Masters and Johnson's press conference, was weird. I think it all worked together in the end, except for the bizarre mention of Virginia's qualifications that are never really brought up again in any other episode. Did she end up getting her degrees? I think she did because Virginia mentions she has a degree in psychology in episode three, but it was really unclear.

I enjoyed the family aspects of "Parliament of Owls" a great deal. I feel like season three could have been helped if they had just kept the family stuff isolated to this season premiere and episode two. But I liked seeing Bill interact as a father, this being the first time in the series where we actually see him interact with his children, I believe. Virginia's issues with her children really foreshadow her speech in the delivery room in the following episode, but more on that later...

Or, actually, more on that now! This brings us to the pregnancy storyline that engulfs pretty much the entirety of "Three's a Crowd", arguably the most polarizing episode of Masters of Sex (as opposed to "Monkey Business", which was universally panned). "Three's a Crowd" is one of the lowest rated episodes of Masters of Sex on IMDB, and similar to last seasons "Asterion", I think that this episode was jarring for a lot of viewers, but similar to "Asterion", "Three's a Crowd" is one of my favorite Masters of Sex episodes.

Similar to the season premiere, episode two also plays with time, because while "Parliament of Owls" featured flashbacks and flashforwards, "Three's a Crowd" pretty much catalogs the six month remainder of Virginia's pregnancy.

Apparently, Showtime had some legal issues with one of Masters or Johnson's real-life children. I don't know, I honestly can't even remember what went on but I remember thinking that it seemed pretty ridiculous. You would imagine, doing a semi-autobiographical show like this, you'd mention their children. I don't know.

What I don't understand is that the children introduced in these first two episodes--namely Howie Masters and Lisa Johnson--are actually the names of the real children Masters and Johnson had separately. I mean, if Showtime was trying to get out of legal issues with real life people and what not, why name the new children actually their names?

I don't know what more to mention about these first two episodes of season three than what has already been mentioned. They're really underrated episodes, and even if they are a bit shaky, "The Excitement of Release" is a structurally strong episode that many critics say got season three back on track. My biggest criticism with episode three is how much Tessa took up focus. I mean, I can understand and even appreciate the amount of time episodes one and two took up on family considering there was a time jump and showing how the kids have aged is a decent way to highlight the passage of time.

But business is back in session! The book is out! There is no need to devote so much time to Tessa as they had. And if things aren't bad enough, Tessa doesn't have an episode off until episode eight. WHAT?!

The rest of the episode does a fine job at showing how Masters and Johnson are dealing with the publication of the book. I read a review saying how this episode does a good job at showing how the publication of the book has effected everyone's lives around them, and I actually have to disagree. It would have been nice if the writers did that (and this is a criticism I have of the writing this episode), but they didn't. Sure, Tessa mentions that she's being bullied, but we never see that. We don't really see how the book has affected Libby. The book hasn't really affected Bill's kids. But what we got was still good. The montage of Virginia and Betty talking to investors was nice enough.

Back when Masters of Sex season three aired, before I watched "Undue Influence", I saw that the AV Club gave the episode a C-. I was pretty shocked. And considering how things turned out later in the season, I bet they were regretting giving that episode a C-! "Undue Influence" continues the tradition of episode titles I don't understand, which is a real theme for this season. "Parliament of Owls", "High Anxiety", "Through a Glass Darkly". What? I shouldn't have to do a Google search to understand what an episode title means. Do your jobs, MoS writers!!

I'm kidding. You know, "Undue Influence" is a fine episode. We finally get a check-in on Henry, which is nice considering I don't think they even mention Henry's name the rest of this season or in the entirety of season four. I can understand not getting the actor back but you literally just could have mentioned it.

Now I'm getting agitated again. *Sigh* What else is going on this episode? Let's see... Tessa--Nope. Uh, I guess Libby's checking in on her neighbor... pass.... erm... Margaret Scully is in a throuple, yeah yeah... Betty reads Dale Carnegie oh isn't that something--OKAY now on to this season's bright spot!

"Matters of Gravity" is arguably the best episode of the series to date--or at least comes close to beating "Fight". Even the family stuff in the episode works! As opposed to the total bore the Tessa and Johnny stuff has felt like, it really fit well with the general premise of this episode, with Virginia's mother coming to town and Bill facing the "bullies" of Maternity Hospital.

Bill's gravity speech is particularly well-written and could serve as the pinnacle of the series--summing up the entire series in just a three minute scene. All that continues with the next installment, where season three takes a turn for the not great.

Parliament of Owls: A-

Three’s a Crowd: A

The Excitement of Release: B+

Undue Influence: B+

Matters of Gravity: A

#Masters of Sex #Parliament of Owls #Three's a Crowd #The Excitement of Release #Undue Influence #Matters of Gravity #Rewatching Masters of Sex #Season 3

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artistjojo1228 · 5 years ago

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Rock and Roll Storytime #12: Crossroad Blues: The Myth of Robert Johnson’s Life

Since Blues is the direct precursor to Rock and Roll, I feel it appropriate to share this story here.

This is one of only two photographs of Robert Johnson (no relation to Tommy Johnson). He was a blues musician who lived in the Mississippi Delta back in a time when the Jim Crow laws still ruled the American South. Back then, an African-American man could be lynched just for looking at a white woman.

All I can say is that, I’m grateful that, for the most part, we live in more enlightened times now. (Make no mistake though, we’ve still got a long ways to go)

Robert recorded only twenty-nine songs in his lifetime, and yet he inspired an entire generation of budding rock stars, including Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones (most notably Brian Jones and Keith Richards), and Fleetwood Mac, just to name a few. However, we know very little about Robert Johnson, except for the fact that he was a blues musician who died at the age of 27 on August 16, 1938. We don’t even know where he’s buried, as is evidenced by the fact that no less than three headstones mark different possible locations where he was likely buried.What little we’ve managed to find out about his life has been through no small amount of effort.

Because of that, his life is largely surrounded in mystery, and as a consequence of that, there are a lot of stories surrounding his life.

For example, some stories offer a supernatural explanation for Robert’s talents...

That story goes a little something like this:

Once upon a time, in about 1930, Robert Johnson was just a nineteen-year-old with more than a vested interest in learning to play the guitar. Problem was, like anyone who’s ever taught themselves to play an instrument or has taken lessons, it’s never easy learning to play an instrument, especially so when you’re teaching yourself.

It gets especially problematic when the only place you can get your hands on the instrument in question is in a place where there are plenty of people who have to suffer through every single off-key note you’re teaching yourself.

See, back then, blues musicians would perform in what were called “juke joints”, which sources tell me is an informal establishment featuring music, drinking, gambling, and dancing. They were primarily run by African-Americans, who were barred from most other establishments thanks to those stupid Jim Crow laws. Whenever the performers were taking a break, Robert would pick up the guitars, and attempt to teach himself. As can be evidenced by the fact that he was a learning musician, nobody wanted to hear the first off-key notes of someone just starting to teach himself guitar (I’m teaching myself to play piano, and trust me, there’s a reason I will only practice if no one else is in the immediate vicinity).

So anyway, eventually, he left home for a while, possibly after another incident involving people generally getting annoyed with him playing the guitar terribly. About six to twelve months later though, he returned, and this time, when he picked up the guitar, he was, by now, very talented.

For those of you who haven’t listened to a Robert Johnson recording, he could play the melody, rhythm, and bass lines all at once, stamp his foot to the beat, and beyond that, he did that all while singing. Keep in mind, I’ve been in choir and learned the whole breath control thing, and that’s still insane to me.

For many though, there was simply no explanation for his sudden talents. Some say he learned the guitar under the tutelage of Ike Zimmerman (or Zinnerman depending on who’s telling the story. But most others say that Robert sold his soul in exchange for mad guitar skills.

Okay, let’s face it, there’s always going to be claims that one musician or another sold his/her soul for talent (*cough* Jimmy Page *cough*), but Robert was one of the ones who seem to have popularized this notion.

Allegedly, he went down to the crossroads at about midnight, and was approached by “a big black man” (I can’t make that up). The other man took Robert’s guitar and tuned for him, strumming out a little song for him. The devil then handed the guitar back to Robert, allegedly saying something along the lines of “Once I give you this guitar, your soul is mine.” Of course, Robert took the guitar, and went down in music history.

Adding onto the mythology a bit, I must also tell the story of his death. See, his death certificate says that he died of congenital syphilis, but, let’s face it, back then, I think it’s safe to say that oftentimes, no one cared when an African-American man died, and it was years later when some people researching his life determined that syphilis was the likely killer. We may never know for sure what killed Robert Johnson in either case. What people instead prefer to tell is the one I will relate to you now...

One night, Robert was playing at another juke joint, and at one point, he decided to start flirting with the wife of the guy running the place (not a good idea no matter what decade you live in). Her husband then got it in his head to slip something in Robert’s drink. Some say it was strychnine, but some toxicologists have spoken against this theory, saying that if Robert had ingested strychnine, he would’ve been dead within hours, not three days. At least one book I read on the matter stated that the bartender had actually slipped mothballs into Robert’s drink, and it wasn’t meant to kill him, but he caught pneumonia as a result of a weakened immune system and he never recovered. In either case, no matter what substance it was, something was slipped into Robert’s drink. One of Robert’s friends, Sonny Boy, knocked the bottle out of Robert’s hand, and admonished him: “Man, don't never drink from an open bottle. You don't know what could be in it.” However, Robert is said to have replied, "Man, don't ever knock a bottle out of my hand."

Of course, according to legend, Robert ordered a second bottle of whiskey, and three days later, he died a slow, painful death. According to legend, some of those who saw Robert on the day he died said that he was crawling on all fours, barking like a dog. As I said, if this is true, then it would suggest that Robert died painfully, but to others, this suggested that it was the Devil, come to collect Robert’s dues.

As I stated earlier, Robert Leroy Johnson died on August 16, 1936, and was buried in an unmarked grave near where he died. Although he died young, and is considered by some to be one of the earliest members of the 27 Club, the 29 songs he left behind have continued to inspire musicians for generations after.

youtube

Sources/Further Readings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feIaNfFONWo https://keepingthebluesalive.org/mystery-robert-johnsons-death/ https://www.udiscovermusic.com/stories/devils-music-myth-robert-johnson/ 27: Robert Johnson by Chris Salewicz Remastered: Devil at the Crossroads https://jbonamassa.com/musicians-who-sold-their-soul-to-the-devil/ https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Music/RobertJohnson https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juke_joint https://www.npr.org/2011/05/07/136063911/robert-johnson-at-100-still-dispelling-myths https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Johnson https://www.thevintagenews.com/2018/01/20/crossroads-robert-johnson/ https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/26919 https://liveforlivemusic.com/features/robert-johnson-doc-review-devil-crossroads/ https://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/devil-and-robert-johnson.htm

#robert johnson #27 club #blues #rock and roll

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munchflix · 6 years ago

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WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M: I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

#watchmen #munchflix #alan moore #comic #comics #movie #bad movie #dr. manhattan #the comedian #rorschach

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markwatkinsconsumerguide · 4 years ago

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Consumer Guide / No.109 / Music/Religion journalist & reviewer, author & broadcaster, Tony Jasper with Mark Watkins.

MW : When did religion become important to you, and how has this led on to what you do now in your key role with the Jasperian Theatre Company?

TJ : From around 11. In theatre terms, drama school, my fascination with drama, and my own sense of writing for the stage, and it seemed natural to explore religious themes.

MW : When and how did chart music become important to you?

TJ : Again early age; my mother liked the Top 20 and we listened to the radio together.

MW : Why did you decide to chronicle various aspects of music and its social offshoots?

TJ : I desired to preach but then conversely I had this love of popular music. Popular music also had a strong faith strain.

MW : Tell me about your record reviewing for Music Week etc…

TJ : Once you write for a major journal there are lots of people wanting you to hear, see and review artists and records. At one time, I was writing for Record Mirror, Music Week, Manchester Evening News, Liverpool and Birmingham papers.

MW : Tell me about Dave Lee Travis's radio show on the BBC?

TJ : I put forward the idea of chart analysis and it got the attention of the Radio 1 people, including DLT. At the time, I had a radio programme called Celebration Rock going out on commercial radio on Radio Hallam in Sheffield, where I took a theme and played contemporary music tracks on that theme. Somewhat like Bob Dylan would do many years later. I had also been interviewing rock stars for the BBC TV Sunday programme and also had a Gospel music programme.

MW : How did you find radio broadcasting and did you have much of a free hand with programming music for your own shows?

TJ : I programmed all my shows on Radio Hallam and on BFBS Worldwide (incidentally, I was voted Number 3, Top European, DJ). It was just great being in a studio, knowing there's an audience out there into many thousands and I received some great mail from appreciative people. I’ve interviewed so many artists in / for various newspaper, radio & TV outlets. Favourite Joan Baez.

MW : Go into some detail on the research you did for the compiling of your two "chart" books on the FAB Sound Of The 60s and 70s Book Of Records. And generally...

TJ : I assiduously save mags, have hundreds of pop papers and all the Record Mirrors of that time. That’s part of it, research materials and I used Top 20 charts (and news and diary information) for compiling these two books.

However, what you really mean is to do any book…..if it’s authorised (such as with Cliff Richard) then it means hours spent with the artist, plus sifting through endless references and articles with maybe friends of the artist, with those who have actually worked with the artist. Fortunately, I have an extensive library of rare research materials (as previously said) such as music press, hundreds of books and general magazines.

So, with Record Mirror, I reviewed singles and these were sent to me, or sent to the music paper directly and the albums were dispersed around the office to various writers. If we liked someone “major” in the music industry as it were, then it was a case of whose turn. Or records were divided up among reviewers who specialised in particular genres. I was always given folk because at the time I also wrote for folk magazines and was regularly at folk venues.

In my Radio 1 chart-time, it was dictated by the week’s chart and we set up interviews with new chart entrants: in the television series I did for the BBC, I suggested artists with religious connotations, or personal faith, or issues in their personal life.

You find one thing leads to another. I Interview Jimmy Page for my then BFBS Radio show and then a conversation about guitars leads to writing about this for Guitar magazine.

When you interview an artist and you are freelance the way to earn is thinking what other sources might be interested that do not compete with the original commissioning source, So with Annie Lennox (of The Eurythmics) it could it be a Scottish journal, or an educational in view of her background, or if her family have teaching connections then an educational magazine might be interested and so forth.

In respect of TOTP every artist had to be interviewed by me as part of appearing on the TV show.

MW : Did you contemplate producing a Chart book for the 1980s?

TJ : In fact, I have a series: British Record Charts from the late-1970s to late- 1980s. Probably other people had books out on the 1980s, I can’t recall. I wrote features for the Top Of The Pops magazine, and for some years interviewed everyone who was on TOTP, obviously attending each recording.

MW : How did you view The Guinness Book Of British Hit Singles at the time?

TJ: You may mean as rivals? Not really, it was a great idea and well presented and began of course with GRRR - Paul Gambaccini, Mike Read and (brothers) Tim & Jo Rice.

MW : List, in order of preference, your Top 10 hymns,,,saying something on your No.1 choice...

TJ :

Alleluia, Alleluia, Give Thanks To The Risen Lord

Blessed Assurance

O For A Thousand Tongues To Sing

They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love

Amazing Grace

I Need Thee Every Hour

Christ The Lord Is Risen Today

And Can It Be, That I Should Gain?

My Jesus, My Saviour (Shout To The Lord)

Were You There, When They Crucified My Lord?

In respect of my No.1, I caught the end of the Jesus People US, and living in Berkeley, California this was one of our marching songs along with Number 4. Great racy tune, stirring words.

MW : For you, what prayer reaches parts other prayers can't reach?

TJ : Obviously, ‘THE’ prayer, that of Our Lord.

MW : All being well, what are your plans for the rest of 2021?

TJ : It’s so hard to say for who knows what is possible at present. However, I do have a very large book in preparation covering Christian music, drama, dance, music, etc from late-1930s until now. I am devising a disco-dance with spoken dramatic narrative of the essential elements of the Bible Creation to the Great Gathering in the Book Of Revelation. Other events on hold.

Tony Jasper | Jasperian Theatre Company

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theuniversitychallengereview · 7 years ago

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Quarter Finals 7-10, Episodes 31-34

If you read my last post, you’ll have seen that at the end I promised to be back on schedule in time for the next week’s episode. You’ll have also realised that this well-intentioned, but foolish claim was not fulfilled. Indeed we are now four weeks on from my grandiose proclamation and still without a single word. I had truly been meaning to try and keep up this time (it being the third time I’d made such a pledge) but I’m desperately fighting to not flunk out of my degree at the final hurdle, so have had to prioritise less interesting forms of writing some of the time at least.

Other times I’ve prioritised a different type of quizzing, and my darling team the Tea Cosies now sit proudly atop our pub quiz league. But if I’m being totally honest, after I missed the third one in a row, I made the conscious decision to miss the fourth for the aesthetics, because four episodes in one looks a lot more like it’s a roundup than a hodgepodge.

So we’re on the final four quarter-finals, with three semi final places still up for grabs, and six teams grappling for them – St John’s, Cambridge having already claimed the first of these with a narrow victory over Newcastle

Episode 31 – Edinburgh vs Merton, Oxford

The combined advantage Edinburgh had accrued from their three matches coming into this was 25 points. Merton hadn’t won any of their three by less than 80, with that margin coming in an exceptionally high-scoring spar with Oxford Brookes. This put the Oxen (I’m trying out a new plural noun for this set of reviews, because ‘Oxfordians’ is the most unwieldy word in the English pantheon, apart from, of course, ‘Cantabrigian’) as the clear favourites. But in the same way sums done by hand sometimes differ from what a calculator says, things don’t always work out like they do on paper.

In this case they did though, and it never really seemed in doubt.

Merton’s resident Robert Webb lookalike Peplow stole in quickly on the first question, giving George Bernard Shaw as the only person to have won both a Nobel Prize and an Academy Award. He was right, but the question was wrong, with Bob Dylan having recently achieved the same accolade.

Akira Wiberg takes the next one to pull the Oxcart 40 points clear, before Peplow comes in with an uncharacteristic neg on the third starter. Wang buzzes with what you’d assume to be a steal, but misses, and then he himself negs on the next ten pointer, giving James II instead of Charles II which I’m sure was an entirely tongue based mistake. Wiberg does manage sweep up the shattered remnants of Wang’s answer, which is pretty much how the match would go from then on.

Heaton-Armstrong takes the Scots off zero on the first picture round, but they wouldn’t take many more starters as Merton comfortably skipped out to a hundred-point lead and had the match in a neat little bow before the halfway stage. A lovely guess of Nelson’s Column, the correctness of which took even its owner Carson by surprise (can you own a guess? I couldn’t think of another word to put there) notwithstanding, the play was all south of the border.

So to the semis for Merton, and for Edinburgh a 3rd quarter final, which will appear somewhere later on in this piece...

Merton, Oxford 210 -85 Edinburgh

Episode 32 - Fitzwilliam, Cambridge vs Emmanuel, Cambridge

Fitzwilliam’s Howe, having disappointed with a semi-mundane outfit in their last match (after two outstanding ones, see previous reviews) sort of redeems himself with a flowery shirt this time around. Emmanuel captain Mistlin went for a suit and tie, because he had an important job interview right after filming.

This match was an eliminator, with the winners facing another quarter-final, and the losers facing their final quarter of an hour on television.

First blood went to Emmanuel, with Chevallier quickest on the buzzer after a long, rambling question that turned out to be rather easy. One of the few UC questions which all eight players would know, this came down to sheer reaction speed, like Olympic sprinters, but sitting down.

Derby increases their lead in the derby, and they grab a hat-trick of bonuses on football, but can’t do the same on starters, and Oxlade takes the next to get Fitzwilliam back in the game. Maloney gets the picture starter for them too, but they can’t quite equalise, which would have been great for this football metaphor.

During a bonus set on the Dead Parrot sketch, Oxlade confidently announces ‘Pining for the Fjords’ and then appears to be pining for the fjords himself when told he is wrong. But it is not they who would be pushing up the daisies come the end of the show.

The match remained close throughout. Emmanuel won the music round, but mistook Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven for Oasis, which takes some doing. Captain Mistlin graciously nominated James Fraser to give ‘James Fraser’ as an answer on a later bonus set.

With starters swinging back and forth, it was Maloney who took the vital won for Fitzwilliam, leaving them 25 clear at the gong. Remarkably, all 25 points came from a better conversion rate of the bonuses, so, unlike that fateful Norwegian blue they’ll be fluttering on to the next round.

Fitzwilliam, Cambridge 175-150 Emmanuel, Cambridge

Episode 33 - Edinburgh vs Bristol

Didn’t I say Edinburgh would be back! If you don’t believe me you can scroll up a few thumbs-worth (the official measure of distance on webpages). This time they play Bristol, in another straight-up knockout bout.

Bowes gets Bristol off to a good start, but they drop the trio of bonuses, and Edinburgh are quickly in the lead through Carson. He also takes the picture starter, baffling Paxman momentarily by giving too precise an answer - quantum physics when the answer card probably only said physics.

A set of bonuses on author-illustrators of children’s books left be waiting for the Gruffalo to be mentioned, but alas it never was, although Edinburgh did guess Julia Donaldson for one of the questions. This misstep wouldn’t matter in the scheme of things, as the Scots stretched their lead at practically every opportunity. On the rare occasions that Bristol did get themselves in play, they couldn’t convert many of the bonuses, going 2 for 14, a quite dismal rate.

Edinburgh seemed to grow in confidence as the game progressed, posting their highest score of the tournament so far, which bodes well for their second semi final appearance in two years. I appear to have reached the end of this one already, which means it’ll be far too short, so I guess I’ll have to boost the word count by any means necessary, such as this entirely superficial sentence that never seems like it is ever, under any circumstances, going to reach its conclusion, much like the Goliath quarter-final stage of the Challenge, although that, and this post, will end with the next episode.

Edinburgh 195-60 Bristol

Episode 34 - Newcastle vs Fitzwilliam, Cambridge

Fiztwilliam’s Howe did not distinguish himself sartorially for this episode, but I can forgive him, because his captain Oxlade came dressed as a fancy dress cricketer, which is a rare sight on television these days, unless you’re watching episodes of Doctor Who from the early 80s.

Newcastle have looked better in every match they’ve played, including their loss, where they pushed the previously untouchable St John’s, Cam very close to the brink. Their captain Noble starts off proceedings and two bonuses give the Tynesiders an early lead, which Reynard promptly extended. They also get the first picture round, on electrocardiograms, but despite having two med students, can only claim one of these.

Fiztwilliam grab a few points, but Newcastle march on impressively towards what might look like an upset based off of their first round performance, but less so if you’ve seen them grow in confidence as the tournament progressed, and the Northern Quartet establish a commanding lead quite early on.

With the match dead and buried, Newcastle’s Noble produced a lovely piece of maths for five points. Asked for the seventh line of Pascal’s triangle, and having floundered a bit with a blank look on his face, he leaned in close to the microphone and rattled off 1-6-15-20-15-6-1 to rapturous applause, a manic grin from teammate Lowery, and a even a ‘cor blimey, well done’ from Paxman.

It was a great answer. It was hardly, however, as much of the national press was keen to label it, the hardest University Challenge question ever. Its impressive obviously, but Pascal’s triangle is no Rosetta Stone. But ‘Maths teacher does very good job on question about maths’ isn’t as clickbaity a headline as ‘THE HARDEST QUESTION EVER! OMG!!’. This feels like too much of a rain on the parade to end with, so I won’t.

Newcastle 205-65 Fitzwilliam, Cam

So, the semi-final lineup is now complete:

9th April - Edinburgh vs St John’s, Cam

16th April - Merton, Ox vs Newcastle

The two Oxbridge teams look like they slightly edge it on past performance, but St John’s wobbled against Newcastle, who themselves looked mighty against Fitzwilliam, so a fifth consecutive Ox vs Cam final might not be such a foregone conclusion.

I don’t want to promise that I’ll get the semi-final reviews out in a timely fashion, because I’ve made that promise before and I probably won’t, but I’ll certainly give it the old college try.

Good luck tonight, Edinburgh!

#university challenge #edinburgh #bristol #cambridge #oxford #merton #emmanuel #fitzwilliam #newcastle #bbc2 #paxman

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auskultu · 7 years ago

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Leonard Cohen: Beautiful Creep

Richard Goldstein, The Village Voice, 28 December 1967

And the child on whose shoulders I stand   whose longing I purged  with public, kingly discipline  today I bring him back   to languish forever,  not in confession or biography,   but where he flourished   growing sly and hairy   — Leonard Cohen (‘The Spice Box of Earth’)

AN ELEVATOR man with hairy hands grumbles “shit,” as he takes me up. It is a massive mid-town hotel, in steep decline. The corridors are long and lit occasionally, like a cardboard coal mine. Humid ladies in black lace seem to peer from every transom, and old men with their backs turned lurk in every shadowy corner. There is a smell of stale cigars, or is it piss? I knock politely on a wafer-thin door, and wait.

Finally it opens, and Leonard Cohen, Canada’s most acclaimed young poet and novelist, offers a seat and some coffee. He has been listening to a tape of the half-completed album on which he will soon make his debut as a pop star (a year ago that would have given even me pause, but not today, when Leonard Bernstein picks the hits and the Partisan Review talks about “Learning from the Beatles”). His verse—collected in slim volumes perfect for pressing roses—so unabashedly romantic that it sits among my New Directions paperbacks like some later day Ossian from the North.

With Annie gone   whose eyes to compare   with the morning sun.  Not that I did compare,  but I do   now that she’s gone.  — ‘For Annie’

No wonder Allen Ginsberg huffed out of a meeting with Leonard Cohen muttering, “This place looks like a ballet set.” There is a sinewy quality to those muscular images as they stretch across a page. There is a shameless agility to those leaps and conceits, which seems ethereal next to the boog-a-loo of modern verse.

But Leonard Cohen is a Visceral Romantic and he can hit you unawares because his emotions are recollected with anything but tranquility. He suffers gloriously in every couplet. Even his moments of ecstasy seem predicated on hours of refined despair. Leonard does not rant: he whispers hell and you must strain to hear his agony.

The fact is, I’m turning to gold, turning to gold.  It’s a long process, they say it happens in stages.   This is to inform you that I’ve already turned to clay.  — ‘The Cuckold’s Song’

Today, he faces me across a hotel room with the sun shining second hand in the windows down the block. The drapes are as florid as his verse. In fact, the room could be the set for most of his poems. The bedspread is faded, and you can hear the toilet. Atop the bureau is a seashell ashtray, embossed with Miami palm trees. To this pasteboard Chappaqua, Leonard Cohen has added only a Madonna decal for the mirror, and a terrible cold.

His front pockets bulge with tissues and Sucrets. The cold seems appropriate; his nose aches to be filled anyway. It is a huge nose, etched by some melancholy woodcarver into the hollows of his cheeks. He wipes it and wheezes gently as we hear a tape of his song, ‘Teachers’.

Though he claims he has always written with a typewriter for a guitar (“I sometimes see myself in the Court of Ferdinand, singing my songs to girls over a lute”), Leonard Cohen has been spending this past year or so creating lyrics with real melodies. He made his pop debut recently as Judy Collins’ beautiful person. Her choice was inspired; Leonard Cohen has written her best material—songs of love and torment powerful enough to be fairy tales.

And just when you mean to tell her  That you have no love to give her  Then she gets you on her wave length  And she lets the river answer  That you’ve always been her lover.  And you want to travel with her  And you want to travel blind  And you know that she will trust you  For you’ve touched her perfect body with your mind.  — ‘Suzanne’

“I think my album is going to be very spotty and undistinguished,” he says in greeting. His eyes sag like two worn breasts. “I blame this on my total unfamiliarity with the recording studio. They tried to make my songs into music. I got put down all the time.” He sits back on his bed, folds his hands in his lap, and lets his voice fade into an echo of itself: “It was a continual struggle… continual… they wanted to put me in bags. I thought I was going to… crack up.”

He is modestly addicted to cracking up. References to breakdowns past and future dot his conversation. He seems to judge periods in his life by his failure to cope with them. His favorite words—or those he uses most frequently—are “wiped out” and “bewildered.”

“When you get wiped out—and it does happen in one’s life—that’s the moment… the REAL moment. Around 30 or 35 is the traditional age for the suicide of the poet, did you know that?” (You look around for razors, pills, sharp edges, or easy plunges.) “That’s the age when you finally understand that the universe does not succumb to your command.”

That moment magnified into theme, is the chief concern of his major novel, Beautiful Losers. It is a multisexual love story, ecstatically, lyric like his poems, but deeply committed as prose to expressing its theme through an accumulation of detail. Its protagonist, a petty researcher, is victimized by the love of his wife and of his best friend. They control his life: soothe him, fuck him, teach him, cuckold him, and ultimately destroy him. Their triangle, joined on all sides, is further complicated by Catherine Tekakwitha, an Indian saint who fixes herself in the protagonist’s consciousness as an extension of his wife (also an Indian) and his own suffering. Martyred by the suicides of both his lover-tormentors, our hero is left to ponder the moral of Catherine’s life: suffering is madness, but it is also the sacred ground where Man encounters God. Somehow, we are all fated to walk that ground, is Leonard Cohen’s message. To embrace that agony of communion is to live with grace.

It begins with your family But soon it comes round to your soul.  Well, I’ve been where you’re hanging  I think I can see where you’re pinned  When you’re not feeling holy  Your loneliness says that you’ve sinned.  — ‘Sisters of Mercy’

He was born in Montreal, to a wealthy Jewish family. “I had a very Messianic childhood,” he recalls. “I was told I was a descendent of Aaron, the high priest. My parents actually thought we were Cohenim—the real thing. I was expected to grow into manhood leading other men.”

He led himself through McGill, where he studied literature with Oxonian aplomb. A professor published a volume of his poetry on the University press, and Leonard Cohen became a writer. It was, he insists, “as accidental as that.” Because if he had had a choice, he would have become a revolutionary. But he approached radicalism with a bad cold, and a thorough knowledge of the Tonette. Though the Montreal Communists fascinated him with their paranoia and their certainty, he was less than embraced by his chosen confreres. “They saw me as a symbol of the decline of the enemy,” he recalls. “I never had that heroic revolutionary look. There was a certain openshirted quality I could never duplicate, I always looked different, maybe because my folks owned a clothing factory.”

Today, he wears poet’s gray, and a soft worker’s hat hangs on his closet door. He is getting old; the trousers of his cuffs are automatically rolled. He watches you jot that down in the middle of a point about politics and you wonder if he knows you plan to use it.

“I’m not a writer coming to music in the twilight of his youth,” he says suddenly. You look up. He begins to discuss the rock scene, then and now. Once, he thought Elvis Presley the first American singer of genius. Once, he played a Ray Charles record till it warped in the sun. Once, he thought of himself as Bob Dylan’s ancestor. “It wasn’t his originality which first impressed me, but his familiarity. He was like a person out of my books, singing to the real guitar. Dylan was what I’d always meant by the poet—someone about whom the word was never used.”

Until a short time ago, Leonard Cohen had never heard Dylan. He has spent much of the past seven years in a cottage on Hydra, Greece. He still returns there regularly for replenishment, the way F. Scott Fitzgerald’s heroes should have gone back to the Midwest. It keeps him from making too many scenes outside himself; that seems to be the scene he can make best.

Anyhow, you fed her five MacKewan Ales   took her to your room, put the right records on,   and in an hour or two it was done.   I know all about passion and honor  but unfortunately, this had really nothing to do with either:   Oh, there was passion I’m only too sure   And even a little honor  but the important thing was to cuckold Leonard Cohen  I like that line because it’s got my name in it.  — ‘The Cuckold’s Song’

“I wrote ‘Beautiful Losers’ on Hydra, when I’d thought of myself as a loser, financially, morally, as a lover, and a man. I was wiped out; I didn’t like my life. I vowed I would just fill the pages with black or kill myself. After the book was over, I fasted for ten days and flipped out completely. It was my wildest trip. I hallucinated for a week. They took me to a hospital in Hydra. One afternoon, the whole sky was black with storks. They alighted on all the churches and left in the morning… and I was better. Then, I decided to go to Nashville and become a song writer.”

He came to New York instead, thanks to a lady who is now his manager. And here he is—slaving over the songs he calls “Eastern Country laments,” trying to make them sound the way they read. Things are happening for Leonard Cohen. ‘Suzanne’, his best known lyric, made the charts on a vacuous cover version by Noel Harrison. Two recent compositions appear on the latest Judy Collins album. And Buffy Sainte Marie will include selections from Beautiful Losers on her next LP. Sometimes the two visit Saint Patrick’s, where there is a bas relief of St. Catherine on one of the Cathedral doors. Buffy puts daisies in the statue’s hair. “She sees the suffering in Catherine,” he explains. “She feels the thumping on the sky.”

If his forthcoming album is a good one, Leonard Cohen may well become one of history’s odder choices for pop stardom. But the men we deem to worship are never ordinary; that is the one passion they must guard against. If the time is ripe for a guru with a cold in the ego, Leonard Cohen’s modest agony will stand him in good stead.

“My songs are strangely romantic,” he admits, “but so are the kids. I somehow feel that I have always waited for this generation.” He pulls out a letter from a young girl who wonders over his unremitting despair. He frightens her because she senses that he has achieved an understanding of life, but he is sad despite it. She prays that the comprehension she seeks will not bring her such misery. She prays for him, and for herself, that he is really blind. And she ends by calling Leonard Cohen a “beautiful creep.”

Real tears form in the corners of his eyes, but modestly, they do not flow. He sighs for real. “That’s what I am—a beautiful creep.” He excuses himself and you grab for the letter when he is gone. That too is real.

Beautiful creep! You can’t help hearing him in the toilet; he pisses in quick panting spurts. You want to put him to bed with hot milk and butter, turn up the vaporizer, and kiss him good night.

And you want to travel with him   And you want to travel blind   And you think maybe you’ll trust him  For he’s touched your perfect body with his mind.  — ‘Suzanne’

#Leonard cohen #poetry #folk #singer songwriter #1967 #1960s #sixties #60s

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watusichris · 7 years ago

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A Dylan a Day Annex: Narrow is the Way

“…[W]e don’t care about the atom bomb, any of that, because we know this world is going to be destroyed, if not by the word, and Christ will set up his kingdom in Jerusalem for a thousand years. When the lion lies down with the lamb, you know the lion will eat straw on that day. Also, if a man doesn’t live to be a hundred years old, he will be called accursed, that’s interesting, isn’t it? But we don’t mind, we know that’s coming. And if any man have not the spirit of Christ in him, he is a slave to bondage. You know bondage? I know you all know bondage.”

So who said that? Pat Robertson? Joel Osteen?

Mike Pence, maybe? Roy Moore?

No, it was Bob Dylan, born-again vessel of his Lord Jesus Christ, speaking on the stage at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium on Nov. 19, 1979, at a show (a benefit for the Christian relief organization World Vision) that I attended and reviewed. The date was among the first of what may be called Dylan’s “gospel years” tour, which ran on stages around the world through November 1981.

Dylan raved on in a similar fashion through many of the ensuing shows he played in 1979-80; he dialed things down considerably during his 1981 gigs, at which he performed some of his earlier non-Christian material.

However, you’d never know it from the contents of Trouble No More, the new eight-CD/one DVD package devoted to Dylan’s evangelical years, just issued by Sony Legacy as the 13th installment of its “Bootleg Series” comprising previously unreleased material from his catalog.

I’ll have more to say about that particular piece of archival legerdemain in a moment. First, some historical background, in case you need it.

Dylan turned to Jesus in early 1979, after a tumultuous period that saw his divorce from wife Sara and the release of his poorly received album Street-Legal and his calamitous four-hour feature film Renaldo & Clara. He had experienced something like a religious epiphany after someone threw a small cross on stage during a Nov. 17,1978, show in San Diego. He soon began attending services and Bible study classes at the Vineyard Fellowship, an evangelical church based in Reseda, in the San Fernando Valley.

In early ’79, he wrote a brace of Christian-themed songs; his first thought was to give them to his backup singer (and future second wife) Carolyn Dennis, but in the end he decided to record them himself.

Those songs ultimately appeared on the albums Slow Train Coming (1979) and Saved (1980); nearly all that material was drawn on during his 1979-80 tours. Some further Christian-themed numbers were released on the 1981 album Shot of Love, though by that time Dylan had begun to inch away from sermonizing and (probably at the insistence of concert promoters) had started to perform his earlier, secular material on stage again.

Trouble No More leans heavily on concert recordings from this period. Of the 102 tracks on the set, 74 are drawn from live shows; two of the eight discs are drawn from Dylan’s April 1980 shows in Toronto, and two are devoted to a June 27, 1981, gig at Earls Court in London. Another 18 songs recorded in San Diego on Nov. 28, 1979 (nine days after the date I attended in Santa Monica) are included on a two-CD bonus set offered to Dylan fans who purchased the boxed set through his official web site.

Additionally, the DVD, a one-hour film directed by Jennifer LeBeau, contains 10 songs filmed by Ron Kantor at Toronto’s Massey Hall on April 20, 1980 (and long bootlegged in a full-length alternate cut comprising 16 Dylan performances, numbers by his backup singers, and onstage patter).

I will freely admit that my anticipation for Trouble No More, which surveys the most divisive years of Dylan’s career, was not nearly as high as it was for the previous two “Bootleg Series” sets, which were comprehensive reconsiderations of the “basement tapes” with the Hawks of 1967-68 and the classic first electric sessions of 1965-66. (Both those packages deservedly won Grammy Awards as best historical album.)

I have never had any patience or affection for Dylan’s gospel recordings, save for a few tracks on Shot of Love, which was issued when Dylan already had one foot out the church door. I won’t dwell on these records. I put down my thoughts about the albums of this period in a series of 2013 Tumblr posts; you can scroll down on this page to find them, or, if you like, you can read them in my 2016 collection Together Through Life, which follows Dylan from his first album through “the Sinatra years.”

I continue to consider Dylan’s religious material an accumulation of tics: The songs are dogmatic, didactic, pedantic, schematic, simplistic. Though the official rubric for Trouble No More is “You Will Believe!,” the copious live material therein has done nothing to alter my original opinion.

The inclusion of such songs as “Ain’t Gonna Go to Hell For Anybody,” “Ain’t No Man Righteous, No Not One,” “Trouble in Mind,” and “Stand By Faith,” none of which appeared on the original LPs, supplies only further evidence of Dylan’s airless and accusatory approach. Over the course of the eight discs, the multiple concert versions of the 19 songs on Slow Train and Saved instill a cumulative affect of Jesus fatigue.

I will confess that the box led me to reconsider my original aversion to Dylan’s band of this period. At the Santa Monica Civic show I attended, I was so thoroughly pissed off by the throngs of vocal, adoring Christians in the heavily papered house (and the acolytes waving their placards, Bibles, and religious tracts at the venue door) that I closed my ears to what was coming off the stage, and I condemned Dylan’s players as “hacks.”

My humblest apologies. The recorded evidence suggests that guitarist Fred Tackett, keyboardists Spooner Oldham and Terry Young, bassist Tim Drummond, and drummer Jim Keltner, backed by a phalanx of black female vocalists, stirred up a soulful noise on stage. They were easily one of Dylan’s finest touring units. Dylan responded to the group with some of the best singing of his entire career – his voice on the ’79 and ’80 performances is full, rich, and flexible. It must be added, however, that by 1981 the band, now augmented by additional guitarist Steve Ripley, had grown strident and hammering.

The general excellence of the playing aside, the performances were made in the service of a system of beliefs that was at its core heartless, intolerant, devoid of actual Christian love, and frankly loony at almost every turn. On many nights Dylan telegraphed his ideas -- about the imminent battle of Armageddon and Jesus’ coming return to triumph over Satan and save believers from damnation -- in convoluted, proselytizing on-stage raps.

Here we arrive at the central rub of the present collection.

It has never been a secret that Reverend Bob went off like a missile with serious trajectory problems during his concert tours of the era. In 1990, Dylanologist Clinton Heylin assembled some of Dylan’s more wacked-out soliloquys into a small, long out-of-print book for Hanuman Press, Saved! The Gospel Speeches. That tome has since been superseded by the comprehensive transcripts of Dylan’s sermonettes compiled on the Scandinavian web site About Bob (bjorner.com/bob.htm) as part of its running record of his ’79-’81 concerts.

To her credit, Trouble No More annotator Amanda Petrusich, possibly my least favorite contemporary music critic, takes the trouble to quote some of Dylan’s less coherent “sanctified jeremiads.” But her piece – like another in the box by celebrity atheist and Dylan fanboy Penn Jillette – collapses in apology, somewhat shockingly ascribing “inadvertent” humanity to Dylan’s songs.

Save for a mild boilerplate spoken introduction to “Solid Rock,” you will otherwise hunt in vain for any evidence that Bob Dylan was saying some really crazy shit on stage during his evangelical era. His sermonizing voice has been neatly expunged from the box’s highly selective version of history. You won’t hear him excoriating the city of San Francisco (where he debuted his evangelical music during a run of 14 shows at the Fox Warfield in November 1979) as some new Sodom of homosexuality, impugning the Muslim faith as “a funny thing,” or zinging rock contemporaries such as Bruce Springsteen and Pete Townshend as heathens.

Certainly you won’t find his condemnation of country musicians, which may be considered an implied indictment his early musical hero Hank Williams, the libertine author of “Help Me Understand” (heard in a live version on Trouble No More) and “I Saw the Light”: “I know a lot of country and western…sing ah, sing ah, what is it? ‘You can put your shoes under my bed anytime.’ And then they turn around and sing, ‘Oh Lord, just a closer walk with thee.’ Well, I can’t do that, That’s right, you cannot serve two masters. You gotta hate one and love the other. You can’t drink out of two cups.”

The apparent objective of the boxed set’s editorial maneuver is to represent Dylan’s brand of Christianity in a benign, benevolent light, by removing the music from the larger and highly problematic context of his apocalyptic beliefs. Nowhere is this strategy of decontextualization more obvious than in LeBeau’s film.

Anyone who has ever seen an uncut version of the 1980 Massey Hall show will almost certainly recall a nearly 10-minute Dylan spiel in which he surmised that Russia’s 1979 invasion of Afghanistan was a prefiguring of the final conflict between Christ and Satan at Armageddon. It is slightly demented, and you will not hear it here. (You can find it on YouTube, though.)

The movie’s Toronto concert material, sans stage patter, is bracketed by scenes from a 1980 L.A. rehearsal; the documentary climaxes with a pretty but incongruous (and secular) duet between Dylan and his backup singer and then-paramour Clydie King on the 1968 Dion hit “Abraham, Martin and John (possibly as a hat-tip to Dion’s own born-again status).

The Toronto performances are intercut with newly filmed “sermons” written by Luc Sante and delivered, in what looks to be the gloomiest church in the world, by actor Michael Shannon.

Absent Dylan’s actual presence in his onstage pulpit, Shannon – who here resembles Richard Kiel’s menacing Jaws of the Bond films, minus the metal teeth – has been cast as a surrogate Bob-as-preacher. But the sermons themselves are nonsense, and have nothing whatsoever to do with the fiery furnace of Dylan’s religious universe.

Instead we get little homily-laden stories, folksily delivered by Shannon, of the sort you might hear at a Presbyterian service – maybe one in the early 20th century, when one bought two-by-fours from a sawmill (an anachronism that comes courtesy of Sante), and not at Home Depot. The messages: Love the poor; pity the alcoholic; beware of that greasy fast food. We hear not a word about the End Times in Pastor Shannon’s addresses to his unseen flock.

Since no scripture is actually cited in the sermons offered in the Trouble No More film, let me suggest a text for today. Matthew 7:13-14: “Enter ye in at the strait gate; for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.”

This passage, from Matthew’s account of the Sermon on the Mount, is cited in both Williams’ “I Saw the Light” and in Dylan’s “When He Returns,” the last track on Slow Train Coming. Dylan would return to it, cryptically, in “Narrow Way,” a song from Tempest, his last album of original material, released in 2012.

During the three years he spent making Christian music, Dylan pursued the path of “the straight and narrow.” Yet he evidently found that road to be so narrow as to be confining, both spiritually and artistically, perhaps even a dead end. He released no new music in 1982, and by the time he re-emerged in 1983, he had begun to explore the tenets of the Jewish orthodox movement Chabad; in 1991, he famously appeared on the group’s telethon, performing “Hava Nagila” with Harry Dean Stanton and son-in-law Peter Himmelman.

As early as 1984, in a Rolling Stone interview with Kurt Loder (collected in the new revised edition of Jonathan Cott’s Bob Dylan: The Essential Interviews), Dylan denied had had ever been born again at all.

The producers of Trouble No More have taken a similarly narrow lane into the music of Dylan’s Christian period. In an attempt to rehabilitate the reputation of the music Dylan made at that time, which was rejected outright by many of his fans, the most troublesome doctrinal aspects of his work have been excised. Great effort has been taken to extinguish the fire and cool the brimstone of his evangelical message.

This strikes me as dishonest work, and I am not likely to return to it.

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lanadelreyfiles-blog · 7 years ago

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Lana Del Rey: “I've burned all the bridges for music” Teenager, Lana Del Rey was a daredevil. She remembers it on Lust for Life, a new album where her sovereign voice offers the widest gap, an intense collaboration with The Weeknd to a peaceful ballad with Sean Lennon. Interview by JD Beauvallet.

— You haven’t released anything since Honeymoon in 2015. How do you know or feel when you are ready for a new album? My problem is not to begin, it is to stop. Even when I think I am done with an album I continue to create, I always want to add one more song, and again one more. If I am not occupied with mixing in the end of the creation of an album, I continue to write. For example, two songs from the new album were composed during the finalizing of the predecessor. I can’t stop myself from working, I adore being in the studio, it makes me feel good. It has been like that for five years in the same place, in Los Angeles, where I work with the same small equipment at the studio of producer Rick Nowels. We spend our life there, as a gang. — So this means you have never known the fear of a blank sheet? It was a fear which overwhelmed me before I started to record real records. It was very present during the period before my success when I recorded simply for my own pleasure, when I wrote only for myself. I had the certainty that inspiration was gonna slip away and it was like that regularly, sometimes I was incapable of composing for six months. But for 10 years now, I find inspiration easily – or it finds me. I have learned to be stimulated by it. Especially refusing to be lonely, I meet friends, I observe what is happening without any stress. I use my phone non-stope in the dictation mode, I have recorded countless melodies and words… It’s a bit scary, I must have 700 rough drafts of songs on my phone. I know the experience when a melody pops up in my head, I run towards my phone to record it, even if it is in the middle of the night. A good melody does not knock twice on your door. If you don’t welcome it, it’s gonna show up at another door. For example, during the recordings of Honeymoon, I always heard a melody inside my head which tortured me and which I did not capture. It sounded like the music of the Renaissance… I hummed this melody for months before it ultimately became ‘Terrence Loves You’ (Sings for a long time). — Teenager, you have the reputation of being a dare-devil. How does this express itself nowadays? My challenges are not physical, I take different risks. When I was 18, I drove like I was crazy, I was on sprees for days and nights without sleeping. I was more free, more spontaneous, I didn’t care much for the consequences… I have a lot of responsibilities today, towards my relatives, my partners… I am obligated to, for example, be on time. In the past, I had enough work to do with myself, just to maintain a living, before I could find time to occupy mself with others. In 2017, the risks I take is the level of melodies, my musical choices. But I think I have passed the dare-devil part and I am more of a nerd now (laughs). — What do you mean by ‘musical risks’? The co-existence of different songs on the same album, like the very complex ‘Lust For Life’ with the desert-like ‘Yosemite’, it is not very reasonable. One tries to put me off, one tells me the contrast is too extrem, but I love the two songs too much to exclude one because of the other one. These are the songs which make me life, and more than that, as well: they have some experience. — Have you become more patient the older you got? I did. I allow myself much more free-time nowadays. I can go to the studio at any time, I don’t have the pressure of a deadline anymore. Of the blow, I have let myself go a little with the song ‘Lust For Life’… I have worked on it on multiple days a week for one and a half year. It has passed every stage, it has started with a futuristic and dark vein like Blade Runner. Also, I have decided to return to a radiant Shangri-La like style… After working for some months, Abel (The Weeknd) joined to add his part. This song became my baby, an unmanageable and maleficent baby which made me crazy. I quickly understood that this album would sound like a trip, a mix. — Working with The Weeknd, did you learn new methods to work in the studio? I already once learned that I love to play with the buttons, the reverb, I feel more and more comfortable on the other side of the window. I can pass hours with a sound, it captivated me. Also, I spend time with the console in the studio, it doesn’t seem like working; it’s fun, exciting. I even read technical reviews, I’m a true geek (laughs)… Technically, nowadays, I would be capable of producing for other artists. The real question is, however: Even if I can, should I? Often when I jam with my friends, I can hear how the studio version would sound like. Maybe that’s my future. There is a serious lack of female producers in the music industry! — Your last two albums, ‘Ultraviolence’ and ‘Honeymoon’, were made on the West Coast and were influenced by it. How about ‘Lust For Life’? Four songs on the album reference Los Angeles, but the mood and aesthetic are definitely not West Coast like. I drove myself to remove this blurry, dreamy atmosphere. Songs like ‘Tomorrow Never Came’ and ‘Yosemite’ pick up the sounds of 70s folk, and if I would have to create an album concept in a day, it would surround the legendary Laurel Canyon particularly. — One of the strong songs on the album is called ‘God Bless America’. How do you feel about the US nowadays? Around me, in the artistic milieu, we all share the same feeling of uncertainty, of fear, and the talk which arises. Women the subject of this song, are the most affected, the most referred to by the arrival of Trump. I have written this song prior to the big marches which seemed inevitable to happen. This rhetorical hate is not dignified for a head of state. The day after the elections was one of the hardest days in my life. I went to the studio nonetheless, to talk to the others. I want to be informed by reading everything, and see if I can get anything at all. Unfortunately, I can’t find anything that convinces me. — You have tweeted magical recipes to get rid of Trump… It was a joke. I read how witches of the entire world tried to federate at these dates and times to put a spell on Trump, I just relayed. But what is true is that my new videos contain references to magic and occult science. With the more cheerful, less dark side. I know people who converse with what is beyond. My music is in relation to ghosts. But without me. — Recently, you have re-entered the scene with the festival SXSW. Did you need something after two years in the studio? I’ve played for an hour, it did me good. I feel more comfortable in a small bar in Texas, like on that day, than in a big stadium. It was the best way to start again after leaving the studio. For the first time in ages, I have played the guitar, to Yayo. It was one of my first songs, composed on the guitar back when I wasn’t Lana Del Rey (she got published, without any success, with the name Lizzy Grant in 2008). It’s a piece loaded with my emotions, it threw me back to this period, sent me back how I fantasized, how I felt. I was 20 years old, it was an amazing time in my life, I’ve discovered new people, love, New York… At the same time, I’ve studied philosophy at university, but in my head, it was always: “I am gonna be a singer”. I religiously followed the counsel of the book ‘Think And Grow Rich’ by Napoleon Hill, I have burned all the bridges to engulf in music. Yet, doing the studies of philosophy, I didn’t let myself offer many career possibilities (chuckles)… But it allowed me to ask many questions, which I could not find answers to. However, I’ve met people who are on the same wave-length as me. The philosopher Josiah Royce talked about the clusters of spirit, with their fundamental importance for your fulfillment. Those were the music fans who welcomed me, in the cafes of New York. — Who taught you how to play the guitar? I’ve been obsessed with music, with singing, but I have been very limited in going any further because I couldn’t play any instrument. Before going to university, I’ve taken a gap year and I have gone – by foot - to my aunt and my uncle Tom at Cold Spring Harbor, a village on Long Island. Tom has showed me seven chords on the guitar. He had a marvelous voice, like James Taylor, but he worked on the Wall Street. Everybody told him he was wasting his talent. Thanks to him and his nylon-guitar course, I’ve finally had a plan for life. He gifted me with freedom… So, following this, I used to go to East-Village or Brooklyn one evening a week to play in the cafes, open-mics, at Sidewalk Café or Lay Lo Lounge… Without really knowing what I was doing, I played one of my songs in public. It was Yayo or a cover of ‘Buckets Of Rain’ by Bob Dylan (she sings loudly)… I’ve had only one reason to go on stage, to say “Listen to me.” — Have you been a disciplined student to your uncle? I have been very studious and disciplined. However, I didn’t make any real progress ever (laughs)… It was truly frustrating for me. It took me so much effort… But I didn’t have any visible talent. — But you already had your voice. I had one of my voices, the low-pitched one. The higher one, I am still working on. For example, on ‘Yosemite’, I sing with a very perched voice, which I haven’t used in years. I was really afraid of leaving this passage in, that my voice was too fragile, that it revealed too much of me… On Honeymoon, I’ve changed the key of four songs because I found them too high and it would’ve forced me to show my vulnerability. Henceforth, depending on how I use my voice, I can take that away or I show it, it offers an enormous liberty. The concert at SXSW, it really was a revelation for me, it allowed me to ask me certain questions. “What kind of genre do I sing? Which family do I belong to? Do I have the right to take some vocal risks onstage?” That was, on that stage in Texas, when I realized that my roots were the pure songwriting, the storytelling. On a smaller scale I have crossed paths with Joan Baez, with her taste for risks. Perhaps for the first time, I didn’t consider what could be expected of me. My songs have too often been a catharsis live… I couldn’t do more than singing “I, I, I”… It only took me ten years to reach it (laughs). — How do you live the commercial aspect of music? I absolutely trust in my team, who always protect me which makes me feel comfortable. But regarding my debut, from where I came, I’ve lived the marketing like a sacrilege. But nowadays, I am much more relaxed. For example, even if that smile is ironic, I have never openly smiled like in the video of ‘Love’… This smile, it’s a mix of sincere joy and relief… And, well, irony. — Your music is ideal for “cruising” by car. Do you have any memories of long travels with your family and with music which goes along? My dad used to listen constantly to the Beach Boys in the car, to the point where he always wore a Hawaii-shirt, even in December! When I was very little, my parents moved away from New York to live in the mountains of Adirondacks, six hours north of the city. Twice a year, we made a long trip down to Florida, three days by car. I hated the cold of the Adirondacks, I’ve loved this trip, it’s rooted in me. I loved the heat which grew stronger and stronger while we drove through the two Carolina states (North & South Carolina). I remember how my little sister and I snuggled in the back, I dreamed what we would do together once we arrived in Florida. I can still see the restaurants in service stations, the waitresses and the warmth. Once arrived, during these weeks, I never left the ocean. — You drive there still? Since I can’t blend in with the crowd, I don’t go to the women’s demonstrations against Trump. But I am the cab driver for my sister, who otherwise doesn’t have one. I drive a Jaguar Sedan, which is completely crazy. A car from the mother of the easy-family, not necessarily sexy (laughs). The next one is probably going to be a Tesla. I had the chance to meet one of the founders of the company, Elon Music. With my sister, he invited us to visit the seat of SpaceX, I’ve already touched one of these rockets…. But to take off into outerspace, I’ll wait until Elon is on board – the final proof that this technology is safe. I am excited for what we still have to discover. — Speaking of creatures coming from another planet, you recently collaborated with Alex Turner and Miles Kane of the Last Shadow Puppets… (She bursts into laugher and claps her hands) They are truly hilarious, two madmen. They do not live far away from me, in Los Angeles. I’ve begun to train two evenings a week in the studio of Miles, in the neighborhood of Los Feliz, to play with no goals with the Last Shadow Puppets. Then we go eat dinner together with their girlfriends in ‘La Poubelle’ What a squad! I can’t count the amount of times I’ve ended up on the ground because I was laughing so hard. They are capable of speaking to one another by singing, with improvised lyrics. For example, one evening, I’ve told Miles about the concert of Joan Baez which I attended. He has never heard about her. Alex made up a song on the spot “Miles doesn’t know who Joan Baez is” (she screams)… None is ever safe of their twisted humor. When I first met them, I did have the impression that I met musicians who only live for the music, whose only thoughts are about music. Singing with them is truly invigorating, there is no need to repeat anything, they always find a continuation. — With Miles Kane, can you speak with him about your passion for Liverpool FC? I think my manager Ben would rip my head off if I wouldn’t! Each match is about life or death for him. He took me to the Anfield Stadium, I was really amused on that day… — You told us a few years ago that you spend “a lot of time in (your) head”. Is that still the case? I have opened up to others. But most of the time, I still have that inner dialogue with myself. However, I feel less apart, less different than the others nowadays. I have the impression that I have finally connected to the world. It’s comforting. I have analyzed my life since I was a teenager, with enough detachment. — Do you still have your tattoo on your hand which reads “Trust no one”? (She shows it) I still do, but I am thinking about having it removed. Only because it is very identifying and I aspire to finally melt into the masses. It’s not about the message. Deep inside, I still agree with the message. Lust for Life out July 21st.

#Lana Del Rey #JD Beauvallet #Interview #Les Inrockuptibles #Magazine #Molly Matalon #Editorial #2017 #July 2017

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