#i have been continuously checking on the quiz takers list for new messages

[atlantis-just-drowned]

I'm so sorry guys it will probably happen again

Hello, I love you, by the way.

I don't know what you look like, or where you come from, or the life you lead. But you left a little piece of your soul on my sofa. And in my sheets. And between the pages of my book. And in the amphitheater where I passed my exams, and at the bar where I went last night, and in the campus library, and on this street I take every day, and at the grocery store.

You left me a note and I read it. You were saying that you were scared to lose your mother, that you hated your father, that you were so proud of the progress that you had made, that you were going to end it tonight, that you loved your boyfriend, that you wished you were a boy, that one time when you were 17 you and your sisters were playing and she said something funny, that you might never belong to this world, that you were battling against a mental illness, that you loved life so much, that you were only pretending to stay strong, that your friends were amazing, that you were scared about the future and being unwanted.

Sometimes you take the name of an old friend, sometimes even of an old enemy, but most of the time, you have the name of a stranger, and you frown as you explain how much you miss your friends.

I am merely a witness of all of this frenzy. Not even a messenger, because the words you said weren't meant to leave the bottle you stuck them in before leaving it to the sea.

I am a collector at worst, and a guardian at best.

I present you the same tiny shiny piece of my soul, every time. And when you feel like it, sometimes, you give me a piece of yours in return, and I make sure to keep it in my heart, forever warm and peaceful, in gratitude.

You once told me that you were less afraid of me because I do not have eyes to stare, or a mouth to laugh. And it is true: I am utterly powerless and defenceless in front of you. You could have hurt me and I wouldn't have been able to fight back. Instead, you have been nothing but kind to me.

You told me thank you, you wished me well. You told me I did great. You hoped I had someone to listen to me when I'm feeling down. You cried, you screamed, you smiled, you reassured me, you got inspired. And you whispered "I love you".

Most of the time, you won't even tell me where to find you if I want to return the favour back to you. I can't save you, or thank you, or tell you I love you too. You are doing this gesture out of pure kindess, or vulnerability.

I keep all those untitled pieces of life so warm in my arms, because they make me cry, and laugh, and breathe quiet promises to you in the dead of night. I fall in love with you every day. When you call yourself unlovable, I whisper "if no one else will, I will love you". When you say that life has been nothing but hard on you, I murmur "if no one else will, I will give you rest". I sometimes wish I could embrace you, but my arms are bent and tied behind my back, and I cannot reach out to hold you and comfort you.

I am nothing but a blind, muted ear to you, and I indulge in that role, because you remind me how much of our humanity is stored in little details and silent cries, hidden behind a mask of familiarity. I cannot see your face, and I will never know anything about your identity. Somehow, it seems to be enough for you to abandon all pretense of wellness, and uncover the deepest and most painful parts of you.

And I choose to listen to the music of your pain, every time. Because I knew even before you started speaking, I loved you.

You are one, and you are multitudes, and those words are mine but they are also yours.

You are the one who gives me my love, when you confide your tears to me. You are the one to give me a voice, when you show indulgence towards yourself and care towards others.

There is nothing that matters more than you, and your humanity, and those beautiful sparks of you I hold dearly. I cherish you every waking hour, and I dream of you every sleeping one.

Thank you so much for everything you've ever said to me. Never forget how much I love you. I love you. I love you.

- The Deer Quiz Entity :)

[themeofbalqis]

8 Things I Wished I Knew Before PT3 (2019)

Whew, 2019′s almost over. This was one wild ride of a year for me, as I sat for my first standardized exam in high school. I was also the first batch to sit for the new format of PT3.

This year taught me a lot, especially about being a better student. If only I could go back in time and told myself the things I’ll be saying now – I wonder if anything would’ve changed...

Oh well. The past is in the past, and there’s nothing I can do about that. What I can do, however, is to share what I wish I knew before I took PT3. Whether you’re a senior who’s just curious, or a junior anxious about taking PT3, I hope that this can bring some sort of benefit to you.

1. Keep a positive mindset.

It was easy for me to blame the Ministry of Education for not updating us on this format early on. It was easy to whine about how it was unfair that everything was uncertain, and how even teachers didn’t really know what to do.

Complaining is easy, but it won’t get you straight As.

Instead of blaming your failures/anxieties on others, divert that energy into positivity for yourself. Start planning out how you’re going to study, how you’re going to achieve your goals. You’re gonna have to suck it up and buckle up to get work done if you really want great results.

2. Be on top of organisation.

I had a pretty good organization system already, but I felt like this was important to highlight for future PT3 takers.

Having a good organisation system is essential for students. Our brains are already messy enough, so having a system that organises your physical schoolwork is extremely helpful. I daresay that my organisation saved me throughout the year.

I had a folder with 8 sections – one for homework that was due, one for homework that was done, one for my mental logic subjects (math, science, asas sains komputer), one for my earth logic subjects (pendidikan Islam, geografi, sejarah), one for languages (bahasa melayu and English), one for random letters related to school and one for stuff related to extracurricular activities.

Organisation is also extremely important for when you begin your kerja khusus/coursework in the middle of the school year. If you can, store your files related to kerja khusus both online and offline so it can be convenient for you, especially for asas sains komputer students. This way, you can work on your coursework even after school.

I’ll make a post about my coursework experience and tips later on.

3. Cover all the Form 1 and Form 2 topics early on.

And by cover I mean, have a solid foundation and understanding on those topics. Yes, not every topic will come out in the paper, but it’s important to be well-prepared, no matter what.

To do this, list out all the chapters in every subject for Form 1 and Form 2. Plan out a study schedule which will lead to you covering all the chapters before your midterms – within, say, five months.

For example, Sains Form 2 has 13 chapters. If you revise one chapter every Saturday starting from January, then you would be able to finish it by the end of March.

4. If you want to move to MRSM or SBP, focus on Mathematics and Science.

Yes, MRSM and SBP usually look for all-rounders, but they will be especially attracted to your application if you maintain an A in both Math and Science. That being said, don’t ignore Sejarah and Geografi just to focus on Math and Science.

5. Midterms is the deadline.

Trials aren’t considered proper exams anymore, but I think many schools still set a trials date to prepare their students for the coming exam. If you’re applying for MRSM or SBP, they’ll most likely ask for your midterm results instead of your trials result.

So you shouldn’t be playing around during your midterms like I did, and focus to do well. You can (and really should) take a breather for a week or so after your midterms.

6. Don’t fall for those expensive seminars.

I went to one that promised notes and support until PT3, but it didn’t really help lol.

Instead of shelling out RM100+ for those seminars, find a private tutor for the subjects that you’re having a hard time in/really want to get an A in. Going for tuition classes that has a small class size is also okay. Or you can badger your teacher for free. Find what works for you.

7. Make use of spaced repetition, the Feynman Technique and the forgetting curve

Whoa! What are all these weird terms? Worry not, my friend, for once you learn about the functionality of these terms, they will be extremely useful to you. I call them The Essential Triangle of Efficient Studying.

• Spaced repetition: allowing yourself to forget information for a while, then retrieving it so that you strengthen your knowledge of that information.

I would recommend Ali Abdaal’s video on spaced repetition, which you can watch here. Make sure to watch the first part too, and check out the rest of his channel.

• The Feynman Technique: if you truly understand something, you must be able to teach it to a 6 year old. Basically, teach yourself what you’ve learned in simple terms.

Here is another video on how to use the Feynman Technique. If you’re too lazy to speak to yourself like me, you can do this method of the Feynman Technique.

Read about what you want to revise. Now, close the book/put away your notes.

Take a sheet of paper. Write down what about you’re revising, as if you were teaching to someone else.

If you forget something, refer to the book/notes to remember it. But DON’T copy it word for word. Close it and put it away, then continue to write what you forgot about.

Repeat step 1 through step 3 again and again until you are able to write notes on the chapter without having to refer to anything.

• The forgetting curve: how long it takes for us to forget information.

Here is a graph of the forgetting curve.

Basically, you’ll forget 50% of what you learned within a day. To increase your retention, you have to intercept the forgetting curve. After you’ve learned something, try recalling about it before you go to sleep. Then, review it the next day. Afterwards, review it in three days. Review again seven days after the last review, and again 10 days after the last review.

The more time you spend intercepting the forgetting curve, the more you retain what you’ve learned.

The best way to use all three of these is by using traditional flashcards, or by using a Spaced Repetition System like Quizlet or Anki. Another fun way is to constantly quiz yourself with your friends – usually, my friend would be asking questions from the textbook, and the rest of us would fight to answer and get points. The loser with the lowest points usually had to belanja chicken nuggets.

8. Get your priorities and self-discipline straight.

If you want to get excellent results, you better start acting like a top student.

Spend less time with friends who aren’t academically inclined. Make a simple study schedule and stick to it. Hold off entertainment until you’ve finished studying.

Don’t overwork yourself, do a maximum 5 hours of revision on a weekday, 6 hours of revision on a weekend. Appoint a day in the week where you do the bare minimum in studying or don’t study at all, just for lazing about, working on hobbies, spending time with friends and loved ones.

Take enough breaks so you won’t burn out and get stressed. Life doesn’t end after PT3. Don’t dwell on mistakes, you have to keep learning from them and moving forward in this world.

That’s the reality of the world. And to think that we’re only 15.

Thank you for reading until the very end! I’ve been very blessed this year to learn a lot, not only inside the classroom, but about myself and life in general. PT3 was only a small portion of this year for me – but this post doesn’t really talk about that.

That being said, I’m grateful for everything that has happened this year. I’m grateful for my results, grateful for the people that have supported me, for the people who doubted me, too. Everything has taught me so much, and I want to cherish these memories and lessons until the very end.

If you’re taking PT3 soon, good luck! I wish you all the best. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to send me a message in my inbox. I’m always happy to help, as long as you’re willing to learn.

[german-italian-ties]

Let It Out

Summary: Ludwig was someone who always came to school no matter the circumstances. But when he’s absent from school without warning, Feliciano worries and pays him an unexpected visit. Human AU/One-shot

A/N: I’m happy to finally get this off my todo list. I did base what happened on a personal experience. I wish I could have written the tragedy a bit better, but because I still get sad over this topic I didn’t want to spend so much time on the details. That would have delayed this further and I didn’t want that. Enjoy everyone!

~*~

Feliciano bit his lip as he walked home from school, not paying attention to his surroundings. The brunet’s focus was mainly on his phone as he stared at unanswered text messages.

------------------------------------------XX/XX/XXXX Mon----------------------------------------

Ludwig! Is it okay to meet you outside for lunch? I need some help with Pre Cal.

Lud? I didn’t see you in class. Are you going to be late?

Kiku said he didn’t see you at all today. Are you not feeling well?

-----------------------------------------XX/XX/XXXX Tues-----------------------------------------

Hey Ludwig? You weren’t in school yesterday or today. Are you okay?

Kiku said he emailed you his notes. I can send you mine if you want. Though…they’re probably not as neat as you like.

I sent you my notes. I know I’m not the best note taker but I can explain what happened in class today! If you have any questions, call me okay?

------------------------------------------XX/XX/XXXX Wed----------------------------------------

You weren’t in class again today. You want me to tell you what you missed?

Feliciano sighed as he thought about Ludwig. The German always went and responded when he sent a message to him, yet it has been three days with no word. Kiku didn’t even hear anything from him and that only made the Italian worry more. For the whole day, Feliciano had been paying more attention to his phone than class. He nearly got in trouble with his history teacher who thought he was using his phone to cheat on their pop quiz and his Pre-Calculus teacher nearly took his phone away. Kiku had done his best to reassure Feliciano that Ludwig was okay since.

“I’m sure Ludwig is fine.” Kiku’s words came back to Feliciano, “He’s probably not feeling well and hasn’t had time to reply. You know how Gilbert acts when Ludwig catches a simple cold.”

Yeah, Feliciano knew very well how Gilbert reacted. He was a bit over protective of Ludwig, especially when the German got sick. If Ludwig was sick, that usually meant that he was forced to have bed rest and anything prohibiting that was taken away. But even then, Ludwig always found a way to send a message back. Feliciano thought, finally putting his phone away. It took him a moment to take in his surroundings and blinked in confusion. Before Feliciano was Ludwig’s house. The Italian had thought he was almost home, but he had been so distracted he walked several blocks further than expected.

Ludwig… Feliciano bit his lip. He hadn’t meant to walk this far but since he was here, he really wanted to go and check up on his friend. He took a step forward before looking back in the direction of his house. Ludwig never did like it when I came over unexpectedly. Feliciano thought, thinking back to the times the German scolded him in the past. If Ludwig wasn’t feeling well, the Italian didn’t want to stress him out or have him waste energy in lecturing him. But…

Feliciano looked up at Ludwig’s house and nodded to himself before going up the German’s porch to ring the doorbell. He could hear the chime of the bell from where he stood, but other than that everything was strangely quiet. Pursing his lips, the Italian wondered if anyone was home. Usually if anyone rang the doorbell, Ludwig’s three dogs would begin barking. Both Ludwig and Gilbert have tried to stop this behavior, but the dogs never broke out of the habit since they always got excited over visitors.

Feliciano was debating whether he should leave or try the doorbell again when the door opened and nearly hit him. Jumping back, the Italian’s eyes watched the door swing away from him before looking to see who answered.

“Feli?” Gilbert stared at the other in surprise before smiling, “It’s been a while. What’s the special occasion?”

“Hello!” Feliciano smiled back with a wave, “I was just wondering how Ludwig was doing. He hasn’t been at school so…”

Feliciano’s smile disappeared as Gilbert frowned and looked back in the house. He turned back with a sigh, looking exhausted. The Italian felt his body become ridged as his worry became worse and expected to hear really bad news.

“The past three days have been rough for us.” Gilbert admitted.

“What happened?”

“…I’m not going to say. Ludwig might want to tell you himself though so why don’t you come in. I’ll show you to his room.”

“I know where his room is Gilbert.” Feliciano protested as the elder closed the door behind him, “I haven’t been gone that long.”

Gilbert didn’t answer, leading the way upstairs to the second floor. Once they were outside Ludwig’s room, Feliciano’s hand reached for the doorknob only to be stopped by Gilbert knocking. He stepped back, seeing the platinum blond press his ear to the door as he leaned against it.

“You got a visitor Lutz.” He called out.

Feliciano could only hear the faintest sound of mumbling, but Gilbert seemed to understand as he nodded to himself. He sighed and patted Feliciano’s shoulder as he passed by. The Italian watched as he disappeared around the corner, feeling confused as he looked back to the door. Was he allowed enter now or should he wait outside until Ludwig opened the door? After a moment of uncertainty, Feliciano finally moved to open the door and peered inside.

Ludwig’s room was usually neat and tidy. His desk that was placed under the window was always organized. Usually if he wasn’t finished with homework, you could see the blond’s work spread across the desk. Ludwig’s backpack was always hung on the chair for easy access while he worked and placed on the seat once all of his work was complete. There was only one window to illuminate the small room, but it was enough to show off the few posters of bands the German liked and the trophies he won in the robotics club. But as Feliciano now looked, the room was dark.

With the only source of light coming from behind closed curtains, Feliciano could barely make out the posters, trophies, and the now cluttered desk. He saw movement on the bed as he walked through the doorway. Ludwig had been laying down with his back to the door, but was now sitting up to look at his visitor. There was more movement on the German’s bed and Feliciano was surprised to see Blackie and Berlitz, Ludwig’s Dachshund and German Shepard, on either side of him. That stumped him considering that his friend was normally strict about letting his pets up on furniture.

Maybe they snuck up on the bed. Feliciano theorized in his head. Ludwig’s dogs loved to try and sleep beside him whenever the Italian slept over. But even as the German got comfortable, he didn’t shoo them away; instead allowing both dogs to get more comfortable and lay their heads on his lap. Feliciano didn’t notice Ludwig staring at him as the Italian watched him pet the dogs’ heads. Once he finally moved his gaze upon his friend, Feliciano saw that Ludwig looked like he just woke up and… Were his eyes puffy? How sick was Ludwig?

“Feli!” Ludwig said in a loud voice as he waved his hand. He didn’t sound sick so maybe he was merely recovering?

“Huh?” Feliciano blinked. Ludwig rarely raised his voice unless he wasn’t paying attention.

“I asked why you were here.”

Feliciano pulled out his phone, pointing to it as he answered, “You weren’t responding to my texts…” Ludwig sighed in annoyance, looking like he was getting ready to lecture the poor Italian. After a moment of silence, Feliciano continued. “Are you okay?”

Ludwig seemed to freeze at the question before moving his gaze away to his lap. Blackie moved to lick his chin. He ran his hands over both dogs’ heads in silence as Feliciano moved across the room to sit on the end of his friend’s bed. Neither dog moved, not even sparing the Italian a glance. The brunet frowned at this matter with concern. Ludwig’s dogs always came to greet him whenever he visited. What exactly was going on? Speaking of dogs… Feliciano looked around seeing that Aster, Ludwig’s Golden Retriever, wasn’t present. She was usually the first one to greet the Italian.

“Is Aster here?” Feliciano asked, looking around the dark room, “Or is she getting a bath?” Ludwig didn’t answer, visibly becoming rigid. The Italian didn’t see, focusing on trying to look about the room for his friend’s dog. “Oh! Speaking of baths. Remember when I helped you give Aster a bath for the first time? Hahaha. I never saw her squirm so much before. Not only did I get wet, but I accidentally pulled you into the dog bath as well. We spent so much time chasing her around the yard and when we finally caught her, Aster was covered in mud!”

Feliciano laughed as he got up, deciding to look under the bed. He didn’t see Ludwig shaking and blinking his eyes rapidly. Both dogs whined in response and moved closer to their master as the Italian’s head popped up from his search. He couldn’t see Aster anywhere and was about to ask Ludwig again where she was when he saw tears streaming down his friend’s face.

“L-Lud?” Feliciano asked, getting up as fast as he could so he could aid his friend, “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Ludwig didn’t answer, shaking more as the Italian fretted about him. “Please tell me what’s wrong! Should I get Gil?”

“A-Aster’s dead!” He abruptly said and the Italian froze. Ludwig’s hands shook from their place on either dogs’ head, his voice shaking as he continued. “W-We don’t know what happened. She was fine w-when I went to school, but then… I-I came home to f-find she was breathing funny. S-She d-d-didn’t even greet me. She stayed laying down until I let her out, b-but was acting funny still. G-Gilbert took her to the h-hospital when he got home b-b-but…” Ludwig could barely keep himself from sobbing any longer.

Blackie and Berlitz moved to cover their master’s face with kisses, pressing closer to him until he wrapped his arms around the both of them and buried his face in their fur. The German cried, and the fact it sounded like he was trying to stop his sobbing made Feliciano’s heart break. The Italian himself felt his eyes sting from the news and his whole body seemed to have gone cold. He only moved when he heard Ludwig’s crying become an occasional sniffle and sharp intake of breath. Feliciano felt useless. He had experienced loss before, but his only medicine was probably one Ludwig didn’t want to consider.

Feliciano moved, his body feeling like static as he sat down beside Ludwig who barely responded. He watched, seeing his friend who once looked so strong before now looking pitiful by society’s standards. No. Ludwig wasn’t pitiful by any means. He was just experiencing the loss of a family member. He was still strong, but the German wasn’t doing the strong thing. Feliciano wrapped his arms around Ludwig, feeling his friend stiffen up as he rubbed his arms.

“Let it out Ludwig.” Feliciano stated, his soft voice filled with sympathy and sadness, “It’s not good to keep all of that inside. Crying is the best way to heal.” Ludwig choked out a sob and the Italian held him closer. “Come on. Let it out Lud. It’s going to be okay.”

With one last choked sob, Ludwig let go of his dogs in favor of burying his face in his friend’s shoulder. He cried louder than Feliciano had thought possible and clung onto the Italian’s school uniform as if it was a life line. Feliciano held Ludwig, giving him comforting touches as a few of his own tears slipped down his cheeks. The two of them stayed like that for a long time, both mourning for the loss of Aster. Even after Ludwig calmed down, neither moved; even if their current position was starting to become uncomfortable. The German’s grip had loosened a while ago and his ragged breathing had finally calmed. Feliciano continued on to stroke his friend’s hair, his own dry tears irritating his cheeks but he didn’t move. He listened to Ludwig’s soft breathing, believing the other had fallen asleep in his arms until he stirred.

Ludwig gave Feliciano a weak push and he let go, letting the German sit up. He pulled his blanket aside, revealing a tissue box and pulled some out for himself. As he cleaned the snot and tears from his face, the blond offered one to the other which he accepted. As Feliciano did his best to clean his cheeks, he took a glance at Ludwig to see if he was alright. He was a mess. Hair was matted to his forehead. Blue eyes almost looked bloodshot while the German’s cheeks still looked pink after that long cry. Feliciano opened his mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by a knock on the door.

“It’s late, but lunch is ready if anybody is hungry.” Gilbert said quietly from the doorway and Ludwig only nodded as he blew his nose with a new tissue.

As he walked away, Blackie and Berlitz ran into the room and jumped onto the bed to lick the blond’s face. Ludwig’s laugh was hoarse, but he smiled as he returned affection to his dogs. Feliciano watched with his own smile on his face. Ludwig may have not looked it, but he was feeling better.

“Thank you.” The German murmured, looking over to the other.

“Anytime.” Feliciano gave a light laugh, moving to squeeze his friend’s hand, “I’m always here for you.”

Ludwig smiled bigger, squeezing his hand back. “Why don’t we go eat?”

The Italian nodded, getting excited about the idea of eating a well-deserved lunch as he helped his friend to his feet. Gilbert saw the two of them heading down and looked relieved to see his brother smiling as Feliciano recounted how his art teacher got startled by a fellow student’s art project. He internally thanked the Italian for giving Ludwig the best medicine available: A shoulder to cry on.