#i have been a weepy lil bitch all day but some days! are just like that i guess! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

juliettetsunenaga · 7 years ago

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[Log://2487.07.08] Blue Orchids and Tears [a story from old west]

[2487.07.08] 03:00

It was the early hours of Saturday morning and I was still working in the office. It had been a busy but useful week and I was finally done with calls and messages and reviews and ridiculous questions from the Bodega staff.

I padded silently through the cash office, out on to the shop floor, and through the few aisles in my stocking clad, shoeless feet. I stopped; some cheap synthesised Scotch or something nasty masquerading as Sake? I grabbed a bottle and slowly wandered back through to my office behind the small store.

I engaged the lock and then placed the bottle down on the console table beside the couch. From a drawer behind my desk I grabbed a hoodie, some jeans, and I changed slowly as I watched the feed screen cycling through the live images of the store, the street, the stairs up to the apartments in Sector 2.

I folded my dress, my stockings, pulled my hair from its formal knot at the base of my neck where it conceals the data port that pulses there gently, despite it’s current non-functioning state, and shook it out. I placed the clothes in the drawer where my hoodie and jeans had been a few minutes earlier. I wandered round my desk and slouched, cross legged, on the couch, looking intently at the bottle of cheap Scotch on my left. Sake wouldn’t have cut it tonight.

Dart had mentioned my orchids in our meeting here earlier this week. I’d shuddered as I replied that they were there in memory, though I hadn’t told him of whom or of what.

I relaxed back in to the couch with a sigh and I reached up for the bottle. I contemplated it for a few minutes, my breath barely breaking the silent solitude of my office. I shrugged to myself, and I twisted the small metal cap which crackled as it gave way under my hand. I sniffed suspiciously at the contents and looked down with one eye in to the bottle before giving in to it.

I drank, from the bottle. It was as disgusting as it smelled and tasted as cheap as I should have been selling it to the customers here in Cocoon. But that didn’t stop me, nor did it stop me wishing I still had a bottle of that beautiful imported stuff from Nieu Amsterdam… but my last bottle was due for delivery to it’s recipient. I looked at the time on my datapad, it was well after midnight. It was due for delivery today with the handwritten tag.

Earlier this week I’d taken time to carefully wrap the bottle in a square of vibrant blue silk, and I’d fastened the ends with my Tokuma pin. I placed the wrapped bottle in a laquered wooden box and I hung the tag from the pin.

I traced my fingers over the familiar shape absently, it’s contours known to me as if they were part of me after all these years. It was a hard and last minute decision to put it in the box… but somehow it seemed the right thing to do. The fitting thing to do. At least this way he’d know I was sorry, really sorry. I flipped the tag again to read the words I’d written.

“Six years ago today you told me, “It don’t matter if it’s the worst day of your fuckin’ life… To everyone else, it needs to be bein’ your best. Unshakable, always in control.” So drink the Scotch, get done with your crying where no one can see and then be unshakeable for everyone to see.

One day I’ll learn to listen to you to you first time round, I’m sorry.

She would have wanted you to have this.

J x”

He’s either going to smile or seethe, or worse… somewhere in between and continue to attempt to make my life a living hell. I continued to drink, the ‘Scotch’ was getting more palatable the more I swigged at the luke warm synthesised ethanol right from the bottle.

I keep defending him. People mention him, or mention his questionable business methods… and I defend him. He pushed me in to doing some awful, terrible things in 2481. But, in a fucked up way he’d always sort of looked out for me too despite it all. Especially once she was gone… before I was gone.

The creeping warmth afforded by the booze was taking hold and I continued making my way through the bottle at a rate of knots. Sometimes you just need oblivion to forget…

…it wasn’t my night. Morning. Whatever. Oblivion came at the bottom of the bottle, but as so happens when you drink to excess you don’t always get what you want. I was drifting in and out of conciousness on the small couch. Memories were flooding in and slipping away… and I cried.

Heavy, unshed tears held in for months rolled down my cheeks and then I finally gave way to unconciousness. Blissful nothing? No. ‘Nothing’ but a vibrant flashback of a life once lived… a night six years ago exactly.

[2481.07.08] 20:00

I smirked at him as I kicked my boots across the litter strewn ground, passing some weepy woman on her way out, and I approached him at the front door to his apartment behind the comic book store. “How’s things Mr Unfuckinghappy?”

He glanced down with the sudden realization that he still didn’t have a shirt on, “Apparently not as fuckin’ relaxin’ as I was hopin’ they’d be.”

I laughed, “Good look. So, who’s the chic you’ve got in tears on your doorstep?”

“Her. Who?” He asked, arching a brow, “OH! That’s just some droider I’m whorin’ out on the side for pocket change.”

I shrugged, “Well… now we’ve got the pleasantries out the way…” I surveyed the room absently, “Any listeners in here?”

He chuckled, “Does it really fuckin’ matter. If I got 'em, they’re mine.”

I smiled and my eyes narrowed, “Then, fancy telling me what that revelation by text was last night? I’m not fucking impressed… jesus… you could have just told me you had listeners in my office.”

“Actually they were belongin’ to Midge, and I was simply conferencin’ in on 'em. Ya know…friends tend to be sharin’ shit like that.”

“Fine.” I reached down to pull my socks up. I folded my arms across my chest again, “Incidentally… what exactly *did* you expect me to tell my brother when he asked me what the fuck you were doing in HQ?”

“Oh, I don’t fuckin’ know, maybe somethin’ along the lines of idle threats to keep your trigger happy underlin’s in line so they don’t go fuckin’ over our treaty…” He shrugged, “Somethin’ fuckin’ logical like that.”

“You are so contradictory… and totally fucking irrational.”

He hunched over to grab pick a shirt from a small pile of dirty laundry on the floor, “…and always fuckin’ right.”

I couldn’t resist checking out his ass as he reached for the shirt. I smirked to myself, “…you’re starting to sound like a woman.”

“Maybe, but 'least I can drive.” He said, he sniffed the shirt a couple of times before pulling it over his head.

I shook my head and frowned as I did so. “Right… you’re still fucking irrational.”

“An’ how’s that, exactly? …not like I was stompin’ up an’ down the streets screamin’ 'bout MY failures now.”

I replied sweetly, “…that temper of yours….” And then I lost my composure, “I’d just seen her BLOWN to fucking pieces Fifth, tell me what the fuck I was supposed to do?”

He brushed past me with a nudge so he could lean up against the table, “Remember that you’re the actin’ head of corporation, and it’d probably be better to be not go losin’ yours…”

I stumbled in my heels as he nudged me, “Acting head? Right… right… NO. I’m just leading the investigation, Fifth. I’m not acting fucking anything.”

He looked around the room with a wave of his arm for emphasis, “Funny, I don’t see no one fuckin’ else 'ere. YOU ARE the highest rankin’ officer on the streets, Julz. YOU ARE the actin’ 'head by default. If you go 'round losin’ your head metaphorically…or physically…the rest of them are just gonna flail 'round without meanin’ or purpose.”

I stared at my feet as I kicked a heel against my opposite toe, “I’m doing my best, Fifth.” I said quietly.

He continued on with his point anyway, “..and then some fool will pop off a few 'rounds at a gloatin’ IPS officer, and all this pretty independance will come crashin’ down with a rubber fuckin’ stamp from the UBC.”

I bit my lip as I considerd his theory, “I said I’m doing my best. I’ve done everything you asked…”

He leaned forward in a whisper, “Your best needs to get better. It don’t matter if it’s the worst day of your fuckin’ life…To everyone else, it needs to be bein’ your best. Unshakable, always in control.”

He changed the subject, “Christ, I sobbed like a lil fuckin’ bitch when I 'eard the news…” He pushed his glasses down the brim of his nose, “Do my eyes look red to you?”

I locked my eyes on his, I shrugged. My voice came out as a whisper, “I’ve not had time to cry.”

“Good, 'cause that means no one saw ya doin’ it.”

I chewed the corner of my lip again, “I can’t be my best until I let go.” I stated flatly.

“Then you find a fuckin’ closet, a hole in the ground, a toilet and you let the fuck go…just be comin’ out lookin’ right as rain when you’re down.” He sighed, “In happier times, if ya ain’t laughin’, lovin’, flirtin’ or cryin’…they’re gonna call you a fuckin’ robot. But in a crisis, if you’re showin’ 'em those things…they’re gonna call ya weak. It takes a leader to be shuttin’ 'emselves off for the sake of others.”

I winced, “What if I am fucking weak? You’ve said it yourself, I’m just a fucking kid.”

“Then two thangs are gonna fuckin’ happen. One, you’re gonna die…” He said, ticking it off with a finger, “Two, West is gonna fall.” He shook his head, “But neither one of 'em thangs are gonna be happenin’. Keng wouldn’t have tapped ya for this if she didn’t see somethin’ in ya worth tappin’.”

I swallowed hard against the sob rising in my throat. My eyes glistened, giving me away instantly. “I.. I guess so…”

“YOU GUESS?!”

“Please… fucks sake… don’t shout at me anymore.” I stumbled back a step.

He glared at me, “I don’t want to fuckin’ 'ear I GUESS. I want to 'ear I KNOW…and I damn well want to be believin’ it!”

“FOR FUCKS SAKE, FIFTH. WILL YOU LET ME FUCKING… JUST… JUST FUCKING DO THIS.” I lowered my voice, “I can do it… fucks sake, I’m trying to do it.”

He jumped up as if he were going to suddenly lunge at me, but instead he turned toward the door. I shrieked as he lunged and quickly brough a hand up to my mouth to muffle the noise.

He grumbled, “…you’ve got some fuckin’ cryin’ to do.”

“Oh, fuck you.” I replied meekly.

He threw a middle finger up over his shoulder, “…and ya ain’t to be comin’ out 'till it’s all fuckin’ out. Lock the door behind ya, whenever the hell that actually happens.”

“Wait… Fifth…” I stopped to compose myself again mid-sentence. “…if no one else is seeing, I’m not fucking sitting here whilst my world falls apart… on my own…. I’ll just go home.”

“Your world already came crashin’ down, Julz. Best be gettin’ used to the new one.” He said, and then he turned around to look at me one last time before he steped out and sealed the door.

I screeched, “YOU FUCKING BASTARD…. FUCK YOU…” I slumped against the table with my head in my hands.

I pushed myself away from the desk and launched a few kicks at the door before sliding to the floor. “I fucking hate you… you fucking prick…” I muttered before the tears begin to stream down my face. I smashed the back of my head into the metallic door and finally, the long, heart wrenching sobs found their way out as she sat in a crumpled heap on the floor.

He slumped into the lawn chair just outside. With a heavy sigh, he reached for an old magazine littering the ground and he settled in for a long wait.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, I stood and faced the door pounding it with my small fists before giving in and resting my forehead against the shutter. I kicked it once. “I WANT TO GO HOME, YOU BASTARD… JUST LET ME GO HOME.”

“…sounds like you got 'nother few hours in there, at least.” He called out through the closed door, as he thumbed through the loose pages to find the centerfold. “Well 'ello Miss Septober.”

“IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR… JESUS… I’LL… FUCKING… I’LL PUT A CALL OUT AND THEY’LL COME AND GET ME…”

“THEN DO IT!” He snapped back.

I stormed over to the table and viciously swept everything off of it with one hand. “I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU.” I threw myself to the floor by the wall and wrapped my arms around my knees. “… I fucking… want her back… jesus…” The sobs wracked my small frame as I was crunched up against the wall.

“I know…” was all he could really say.

I cried, “fucking god… I can’t do this shit without her… it’s all my fault….” I rested my forehead on my knees and tried to catch my breath. I grabbed a glass from the floor where I’d cleared the desk and launched it viciously across the room, watching it smash on the far wall, “IT’S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT.” I screamed again.

He muttered under his breath, “Yeah, I’ll be chargin’ 'er for whatever the fuck that was.”

I sniffed loudly and slumped against the wall. I wiped my wrist across my face and stared blankly, the tears still fell and my breaths were too fast. I whispered quietly, “I…. I… I didn’t mean fo… for this to happen… it’s all my fucking fault…” and then I shouted, “Please, Fifth… I’m fine, please… I’m okay.”

“Know how I know you ain’t ready to be comin’ out of there yet? he asked, flipping to the next page.

I sniffed again, “How…?” I scrabbled round on the floor for something to throw at the door but found nothing so leant back against the wall. I closed my eyes.

“…'cause ya ain’t realized that I never locked the fuckin’ door.”

I leapt up to my feet and ran to try the door. “FUCK. YOU.” I screamed as I tried to open it. Daylight shone in from the street and the faint neon glow of the city. I glared at him for a fraction of a second before I raised my hand, “fuck you.” I whispered as I started to swing my arm to slap him.

He swept his leg out from under the chair towards my ankle “…need I fuckin’ say more?”

I didn’t see his leg move and I hit the deck as his boot made contact with my foot, “… you’ve been waiting for me to fall on my ass this WHOLE time?” I hissed, then I sniffed and wiped my eyes as I looks up at him.

He kept his eyes on the magazine article, “You’re lettin’ your emotions cloud your fuckin’ judgement, Julz. If ya ain’t level headed, ya overlook the obvious…like the door bein’ unlocked…or your legs flyin’ over your head ..back inside.”

I didn’t move, “Make me.” I stated as I wiped my wrist across my face again.

He peeked up over the edge of the magazine, “I could, I don’t have to. You’re on your ass, in filth…lookin’ like ya just got raped…all because you were too emotionally unstable to think clearly. You’ll save some dignity by simply standin’ up…walkin’ back in…and shuttin’ the door without 'nother word.”

I huffed loudly as I stood and walked purposefully back into the apartment. I stomped around looking around, my heels clacking loudly on the floor as I did so. I sniffled some more. I sighed, “Seriously… you don’t have a fucking mirror in here?”

“…have you seen me?”

I grumbled and sniffed, “You need a woman… to do something in here… It’s… an interesting place…” I kicked through the discarded stuff from the table. I leant against it and expertly ran my forefingers under my lashes to catch the mascara that was halfway down my face.

He chuckled, “Had one. Trust me, weren’t worth it.”

I raised each leg in turn and pulled my scrunched up socks back up over my knees and up my thighs. I looked around as I did so, “…she’s clearly not been around in a while…”

“Yep. Neglected 'er into submission then split.”

I shook my head. I stood tall and smoothed my hair down. I straightened out my tie and rebuttoned my cuffs. “Hmmmm…” I tugged at my skirt to straighten it. “… you got any cigarettes?” I raised my voice a little so he could hear.

He rolled the already abused magazine up tightly, “Don’t smoke.” He said, flinging it out of the small alley and into the street.

I shrugged and walked towards the open door. I stepped into the alley looking a whole lot more together. I stopped in front of him. “I don’t think I was ever meant to wear all this… corporate gear.”

He smirked, “Yeah, 'cause six inch mini-skirts are such a fuckin’ hassle.”

I rolled my eyes. I bent at the waist and adjusted the buckles on my shoes before slowly straightening up. “… like you’re really complaining.” I ran my fingers under my eyes again one last time.

“Not if I’m lookin’ for a cheap piece of ass, no…I wouldn’t be.”

“CHEAP P… Cheap piece of ass? I’m not fucking cheap.” I stopped shouting almost immediately and looked over my shoulder into the street.

He hunched forward over his knees and craned his head awkwardly to sneak a peek up her skirt, “…if I can see it without payin’ nothin’, it’s fuckin’ cheap.”

I crossed my legs immediately and tugged my skirt down, “Fucks sake, Fifth!!”

He chuckled as he slowly righted himself, “There ain’t no point in bein’ anythin’ but to the point, Julz. If your point ain’t to be gettin’ fucked, don’t be makin’ it look like your hard up for it.. Mini skirts are only good for gettin’ attention and easy access.”

I stuttered, “I errr… uhm… shut up, okay?” I turned to walk away before glancing back, “Before you made… THAT happen…. I needed to tell you something important.”

He sighed, “If it’s 'I’M SORRY’…save it.”

I turned back to face him, “Trust me when I tell you that you want to hear this.” she whispered.

“…out with it then.”

I shook my head, “In there..” I pointed at the apartment. “… I’m not saying anything about it out here. Five minutes and I’ll be out of your way.”

He tipped his head toward the door, standing. We wander back insider and I closed the door behind us, “Redux.”

He arched a brow in silence.

“I did a full system search. All databases, all files. Nothing came up… and yes, before you ask I cleared my search history.”

“Good.” He nodded, “That means she kept it off the books by maskin’ the fundin’ as other projects.”

I nodded, “I’ll go now… I… that was the only reason I interrupted your evening. Sorry… about your stuff…” I looked guiltily at the heap by the table.

“It’s just stuff, Julz…only stuff.”

“I smashed a glass… I can sort out some new ones for you…”

“Yeah, I heard…very distinctive fuckin’ sound.” He rolled his eyes with a short laugh. “What did I just say though? One of these days you’ll be listenin’ to me the first time 'round.”

I nodded, and opened the door stepping into the street, “Thanks… by the way.”

“…WHAT DID I JUST FUCKIN’ TELL YOU?!” He elbowed the door control “Women!”

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