#i have an interview tomorrow and im so afraid of fucking it up

[dockaspbrak]

Ughhhhh

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

[machinegunbun]

Reading ur smutts reminded me of a interview he did a long time ago. Somehow he got to talking about his sex life bc let's be real he did that in almost all his old interviews lmao but he was saying how dirty he was. He was like "I'm a dirty mf I want them to grind on the ground, grind on the street pole, grind on me, grind on my thigh I'm a extremely dirty mf" another time he was talking about watching back his own sex tapes and shocking hisself with how dirty he gets and telling hisself to dial it back some😂😂

I wanna start off by saying although not today I am still working on req so dont hate me!! You can also send in Pete concepts and im 10000% down to write a lil ~sumn~ on those too. This is just filler until i can get something more substantial out.

Anon, imma keep it real with you... you started my morning off interesting. Reading this shit at 8:11AM while I’m still rubbing the sleep from my eyes was not entirely what I was expecting this morning. But I fuck with you for it.

its 10:11 now and I don’t think I have to mention what I spent my time doing. I love the idea of this tbh, so much room for imagination.

I’m halfway through writing and came back up to say im watching interviews to try n find the one you mentioned and just... here you horny fucks

girls don’t say names, they call me daddy

“some girls are into that sex slave shit and like to be called bitch, slut, whore. It stays strictly sexual, when they leave the respect is there” I’minlove. Someone take my internet away I’m in love.

review: I’m just shaking and warm. I didn’t do a thing this man just-- god fucking damn. Oh my god. I’m considering professional help

nothin really happens here but he looks good so

this motherfucker keeps acting like a whore and we have to run around like chickens with their head cut off trying to find the proof. JESUS. Let us breathe.

I can’t think straight so one moment.

Ultimately I couldn't find the interview but if anyone else knows it, dont be shy link us to it 🤍🤍🥰

Okay, so

—————

Because this motherfucker is so dirty I’m thinking maybe it shocks you. You’ve always been pretty kinky and while other men could sometimes keep up you’d never had anyone match your energy the way Col does. How cute.

I’ve had this concept in my head for awhile, but once again I wasn’t sure where it fell on the weirdness scale. Now I’m sure he would be into it. May never question that again. (Yes I will, keep sending encouragement)

Maybe you’re at a friends house, maybe it’s family or maybe its your own and you just decided to switch it up, up to you. Wherever you are you aren’t allowed to fuck on the bed/dont wanna mess it up, so you have to get creative. You’re in the shower, on your knees and sucking him off when he cums somewhat unexpectedly. Some of it lands on your face and tits, but ultimately reaches the floor. Colson is determined to make you swallow his cum one way or another, the reason could be punishment for talking a lot of shit before hand or maybe hes just a kinky fuck, i dunno, either way he pulls your hair into a makeshift ponytail and turns you around, shoving your face into the show floor and telling you to

“Lick it up, slut.”

Or, if you want it to be a little closer to the interview, maybe he nuts or even spits on the shower floor and tells you to grind yourself over it. Maybe you’re grinding yourself over his spit while you blow him and when he cums it lands on the floor and he makes you lick up the spot where his spit, your juices and his cum is while he pulls your hair.

I think most likely its a form of foreplay, he always hints at being super nasty but never outright tells us anything (tease).

So maybe you’re about to ~get eht awn~ and while you’re making out he tells you to grind against a blanket or a pillow (both 100% valid AND recommended forms of masturbation.)

I think alot about just grinding on his face or his hand, or more obviously his thigh. I think it would be so hot to sit on his lap and grind against him while you make out. He’d probably play with your tits while you did it too, or maybe just wrap his arm around you to pull you closer which 🥺🥺 would make me feel so safe

I might expand upon this tomorrow but i wanted to get this out. Again, dont be afraid to send in Petey D concepts/photos/gifs/videos. Id love to see both of my boys 🥺🥰

[inskz]

lucky charm - lee minho

pairing - lee minho x reader

genre - college!au, best friends to lovers, very cliche fluff (lucky girl starring lindsey lohan kinda vibes???)

words - 4k

note - this is just a cute little drabble i wrote while im still waiting for my covid test results to come back so that i can leave my room and see the sun again 🤪 pls be careful everybody take care of your health 💚 enjoy!!!

- - - - -

“You must be kidding me,” you sigh when you see Minho’s hand has turned into a fist, his rock crushing miserably your scissors. Once again, you lost at rock, paper, scissors. And once again, you’re the one that is going to wash your best friend’s dishes that have piled up in is tiny kitchen sink throughout the week.

“Fuck that. This is so unfair,” you grumble, throwing the dishtowel in Minho’s stupid yet perfectly chiseled face.

You make a beeline for his bed, which is actually only a few steps away from the kitchen. Being a broke college student definitely doesn’t allow him to rent a spacious studio, let alone a two-room apartment. You throw yourself headfirst onto his uncomfortable mattress, whose springs always poke your back at night.

“Life is so unfair,” your friend mocks you, dragging out every vowel of his sentence dramatically.

No doubt, you would be strangling him at that very moment if you weren’t so busy playing dead, hoping he would forget about your pitiful existence.

But there is no way mister Lee Minho would miss out on an opportunity to have his gross plates cleaned by someone else. Grabbing onto your ankle, he drags you out of bed until you plop down on the dirty carpeted floor (Minho has the unfortunate tendency to procrastinate vacuuming too). At this point, you are fake crying, throwing a literal tantrum, like a 6 years old child would.

“Life is unfair!” you yell, your feet kicking in the air in pure anger.

At least it is to you. You can’t remember the last time you’ve been lucky. The only instance you got remotely close to it was when you found a four-leaf clover last summer. Well, only if you disregard the fact you stepped into dog poop  on your way to picking it. Oh and that you were wearing brand new white Converse. 

On the other hand, it seems like the boy has the whole crew of the Olympus gods on his side. Not one day goes by without his guardian angel manifesting its presence. 

Minho has always been the lucky type. The type to get an extra nugget in his box of 10. To find 20 dollars bills on the ground. To win every single Instagram giveaway he participates to (and lord knows how much he likes participating to them). 

But how can you be mad at him when he always happily shares his food with you, invites you to the restaurant without you even asking, and gives you his prizes, pretending he doesn’t need them? You don’t believe him when he says he see no use in a panda onesie or a waterproof bluetooth speaker. Deep down, you know it’s his way to silently love you. 

But well, you can still blame him for occasionally taking advantage of your misfortune to make you do his dreaded house chores, just like right now. 

Everyone thinks you are a bizarre duo. Even you can’t fathom how in hell you two became best friends, considering how awfully your first encounter went three years ago. 

On orientation day, he asked you for the time, probably because his phone was dead (or maybe because he was dying to talk to you?)

Without hesitation, you lifted and rotated your wrist so that you could see your watch. Little did you remember; you never actually owned a watch and you were holding a fancy 7 dollars iced coffee, which, of course, did not have a lid on because plastic is bad for the environment (duh). 

Minho couldn’t help but burst out in hysterical laughter when the whole drink spilled on your jeans. For your defense, you didn’t sleep at all the night before  since you were terrified of being alone in your new dorm room the first few days (weird stuff happens all the time in dorms, okay?). If he had asked you for your name, you probably wouldn’t even have been able to tell him. 

But Minho thought you were the funniest person on campus, and he really needed a clown like you to entertain him throughout his endless college semesters. That’s what he told you anyways. Not that he thought you were the cutest human being he had ever seen. 

Why would he when you are the literal definition of a mess: always having toothpaste stains on your sweater, bags under your eyes, messy hair, tripping and falling, missing buses, breaking things, losing stuff. 

Most of the time, you just forget your keys and Minho lets you crash at his place since he hasn’t got any roommate and he isn’t used to sleeping alone, especially without his cats. It surely isn’t because he loves waking up next to a very groggy but adorable you every single morning, no.  

Minho manages to bring you back to the countertop despite your reluctance. Positioned behind you, his arms trapping your body to make sure you can’t run away from your duties, he dips your hands into the soapy water, and you can’t help but squirm at the touch of an unknown substance sticking to a plate that has probably been soaking here for a week. You despise doing the dishes and your friend knows it.

You hear him giggle in your ear while he is playing with your arms like you are some type of marionette, making you to take the sponge and squeeze dish soap onto it. 

You’ve never been the kind to like proximity nor seemed to be Minho, but for some reason, you always end up glued to each other. You hate public displays of attention and pet names a little less when it comes from him. Or maybe you don’t hate it at all and actually crave it every single minute that goes by.

Before he has the time to come up with the Machiavellian idea to soak your pajamas in dirty water (because you know he would inevitably have at some point), you yank his hands off of you and start scrubbing angrily the dirty cups. 

Minho stays behind you anyways, observing your every move, his chin propped up on your shoulder like a curious little bird. To be honest, his presence is kind of getting overwhelming. But whatever, it’s not like his slightest touch makes your heart warm up in comfort or that he smells like fresh linen drying out on the porch of a cottage house on a sunny Sunday morning or anything. 

“You missed a spot. Here” he murmurs teasingly, his lips almost touching your earlobe, while he points at the handle of his hideous ‘world’s greatest dad’ mug Jisung gifted him last christmas. 

You know he has noticed the way you shivered violently at the feeling of his breath tickling your skin because he starts snickering loudly. 

“I swear to god if you don’t shut up and go seat on the couch, I’ll slap you so hard with this spatula you’ll regret you were even born,” you say, turning around suddenly to menace him with the plastic utensil. 

Of course, he isn’t afraid one bit. Right now, you really wish you could make the smug, but oh so attractive, look on his face disappear. 

“Alright, ma’am” he laughs, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’ll let you do your thing”. He lets himself fall onto his dingy couch. 

You can hear him humming one of his favorite songs above the sound of the water running. It would probably be getting on your nerves if his voice wasn’t so pretty.  

“Chan’s sick, so we’re not going to the gym tomorrow night. Do you wanna eat tacos? El Huero has even better deals than usual” he asks you, scrolling mindlessly through his phone. 

“Aren’t the deals supposed to be on Tuesdays?” You frown and scrub a little harder the frying pan Minho has burnt the night before while trying to make chocolate chips pancakes for diner, because why eat savory food when you can have dessert for every meal, right? It is one of the few advantages of living without your parents you both truly enjoy. 

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Tomorrow,” he yawns, probably exhausted after what you put him through last night. You forced him to catch up on the entire season of Love Island because you desperately needed someone to bitch with, and what better partner than Lee Minho.  

You take a quick glance at him and see him stretching himself across the cushions like a cat. You always thought there was something feline about his features. While you’re drying the mugs with the dishtowel, your mind wanders uncontrollably, thinking about his piercing eyes, his delicate nose, the corners of his lips that curl up a little… 

All of the sudden, your hands freeze. Minho is too immersed in TikToks to notice the stupor on your face. “Wait. Today is… Monday?” you stutter. 

Alarmed by the sound of your voice, his eyes finally leave his phone’s screen to look up at you. “Yeah” he repeats slowly as if you are the dumbest person he has ever encountered. 

And you truly are. You are pretty sure your heart has stopped beating. Minho’s “world’s greatest dad” mug you’re holding slips between your fingers and comes crashing on the floor with a deafening sound. The pieces are now scattered all around you, making you unable to make out what’s written on it anymore. Not a big loss, if you ask. 

“Y/N, you know that’s my favorite mug!” he exclaims, leaping up from the couch. “I’m sure you did it on purpose,” he mutters while he’s trying to collect the small fragments, in vain. 

But you’re too shocked at this very moment to pay attention to the glare your friend is giving you. To be honest, Minho has only two moods: glaring at you or teasing you.  

“My interview,” you finally manage to say, and Minho’s eyes go wide as he realizes the critical situation you’re in. 

You check the time on the microwave: 10:45. In 30 minutes, you’re supposed to be on the other side of town, being interrogated by boring businessmen that are going to decide whether or not you’ll be accepted for a paid internship in one of the most reputable music label of the country. Basically, decide whether you’ll live a happy and fulfilling life, working in the sector you’ve always dreamed of or end up miserable with a boring office job and a massive college debt. 

“Holy shit,” Minho whispers. You can see a wave of panic washing across his face for a split second, but, as always, he manages to find his composure back immediately. 

He has never been the kind to lose his cool, except to scold you when you forget the names of his cats and their respective coats’ color (which you unfortunately often did forget). 

“What are you doing? Get dressed!” He tells you when he sees you’re still standing there dumbfounded in the kitchen, like the famous Robert Pattinson meme, wearing an oversize Kermit the frog shirt with a dozen holes in it and his favorite Adidas sweatpants you always stole from him.

“No, it’s too late. I can’t make it,” you mutter, your breath short. You’re paralyzed, as if there is a 20lbs rock sitting at the bottom of your stomach, pinning you to the ground. 

This isn’t bad luck, you think. This is karma. This is what you get for skipping classes to watch telereality shows in your bed with your best friend and not even realizing it isn’t the weekend anymore.

“Miss me with that bullshit.” He runs to his closet and rummages through his drawers, throwing every piece of clothing that’s on his way to find an appropriate outfit that would fit you. 

“You’re gonna go do this interview even if I have to drag you all the way there.” He pushes you into his bathroom since you still haven’t moved an inch. 

You manage to brush your teeth and your hair, fighting through the nauseous feeling that is building up in your tummy. 

When you come back to the living room, Minho has found dress pants and a sweater that might not look utterly ridiculous on you. He lets you change in a corner, while he runs around the room collecting all your essentials. 

“You’re coming?” you ask him when you see he is already wearing his puffer jacket.  

“You really think I’m gonna let you go all by yourself when you’re literally not even able to put your shoes on properly”. You are, indeed, struggling with your laces, as if your fingers are suddenly made out of butter. 

Minho ties them up for you and you literally feel like he’s your babysitter. You know you’re gonna hear about this for months – what are you saying- years! But all you can think about at the moment though, is the fact that sneakers are definitely not appropriate for an interview. 

He throws your warmest coat at you, grab his keys, and by some type of miracle, you’re both out to the door in less than 10 minutes. 

You try to call the elevator, but Minho grabs your arm and leads you to the staircase. His hand never leaving yours, he runs down the stairs and you have no choice but to follow him as fast as you can. 

You can’t count how many times you missed a step and fell at this particularly slippery spot, between the 5th and the 4th floor, but weirdly enough, it doesn’t happen today. 

When you finally reach the ground floor, you exit the complex and Minho hops on his old and rusty bike that he had attached to nearest tree the night before.

“There’s no way I’m riding behind you on this death machine,” you laugh nervously. The memory of that one time Minho convinced you to seat into his bicycle basket (as if you could even realistically fit in it) and you both fell seconds after he started to pedal is coming back to your mind.

Sure, it was after a long night of drinking, you were both tipsy and it was the only way to get you home since you had spent all your uber money at the bar, but still! You’re pretty sure the bruise on your butt hasn’t disappeared to this day.  

“Hurry up,” Minho groans, ignoring your complaint. You unwillingly seat on his flimsy pannier rack and wrap your arms around his torso. 

You haven’t even left, yet you’re already holding onto his puffer jacket for dear life. A giggle escapes your friend’s mouth (which you think is very inappropriate in such a desperate situation) before he lifts his feet off the ground and starts pedaling. 

You try to ignore the loud squeaking of the bicycle drive by shutting your eyes tighter and rehearsing your introduction you have prepared over and over in your head. No matter how hard you are trying, you can’t remember what you are supposed to say just after your age (which, as you can imagine, isn’t really far into your monologue). 

By the way the wind is lashing your face, you can tell Minho has picked up the speed. His breathing is getting louder, his heartbeat faster and you can’t help but think you’re probably way too heavy for him to bike you around like that. Maybe he shouldn’t skip his gym sessions with Chan so often. Or maybe you shouldn’t have eaten the leftover pancakes for breakfast after all.

You find the courage to open your eyelids and are pleased to see you’re already halfway there, probably because every single one of the traffic lights you encounter is green, and your friend is going surprisingly fast. Is luck finally starting to smile upon you? 

Your mad race comes to a halt when you reach the address of your interview. You hop off the bike and so does Minho who, by the way, is a panting mess. He’s barely able to catch his breath, strands of hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, but he’s beaming at you when he realizes you’re just on time. 

“Go” he gasps, pushing you in the direction of the building’s hall. 

You walk up to the glass door but as your hands are about to push it, you pull a 180. Your friend sighs loudly, already knowing what’s coming next. 

“Wait. No. I can’t do this. I’m not prepared” you tell him frantically. “I’m freaking out. I think I’m gonna pass out.” You are now walking in circles, mumbling incoherently. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” 

Your heart is racing in your chest and your hands are getting clammy at the simple thought of failure. But guess what? You can’t fail if you don’t even try! One more good reason to just go back to bed and forget about your sad life for a good 8 hours, right? 

“Y/N, you’re the most talented person I know, you’re gonna do just fine” Minho catches you in his arm to stop your endless pacing. You would probably think this gesture is endearing if it wasn’t just meant to make sure you couldn’t run for your life.  

“No, I’m not. What if I throw up in front of everybody like that one time during the Romeo and Juliet musical?” You look up at him and his face is only inches away from yours. You’re sure you would be swooning at how beautiful he looks if you weren’t so terrified at this very moment.

“You were nine,” your best friend says, and you swear you have never heard him speak to you in such a sweet tone before. His voice is like honey and lavander but it doesn’t soothe you like it should. 

You manage to break free from his embrace to crouch down, in an attempt to slow down your breathing. If only you had data left, you could be watching those short relaxing videos on your phone. They always work. But no, you had to spent it all on online games, just one week into the month. You really are beyond help.  

“Y/N I know you’re scared, but if you miss out on this opportunity, you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.” Minho is lowering himself so that you can hear him, even though you’re curled up in a ball. 

“And I’m warning you, I won’t want to hear you complain about it,” he adds, this whole situation obviously starting to get on his nerves. 

If you were him, you would have probably left a long time ago. But this isn’t your best friend’s way of behaving. You know he would never abandon you no matter how annoying you could be (and you could be very annoying sometimes). After all, he is always the one holding your hair while you puke in the toilets when you had a couple too many drinks.

It takes all your willpower to stand up but there is no other way, you have to do it. You can hear the time ticking dangerously in your mind, as if your brain had turned into a clock.

“You’re right. Slap me,” you say, looking at him straight in the eyes, dead serious. 

“Wha -“

“Slap some sense into me. They do that in movies when people are panicking. It’s like throwing a bucket of cold water in someone’s face. But clearly we don’t have a bucket and we don’t have cold wa- “ you start blabbering. 

“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not gonna slap you!” Your friend isn’t usually that horrified at the thought of beating your ass. In fact, he has felt the desire to rip your head off more than once, especially when you’d steal all the duvet at night, but at this moment he is just scared you might have actually lost your mind.  

“Just fucking do it Minho!” you scream, your hands clenching the front of his grey hoodie he always looks so divine in. 

Minho has never obeyed you, and this is not the day he is going to start. 

He puts both of his hands on the sides of your face and crashes his lips onto yours. 

You would be lying if you said you have never imagined the day your best friend would kiss you. It happens pretty much every single time you look at his cute pout a little too long. But one thing is certain, it isn’t like you pictured it to be at all.

You were convinced your heart would go so wild it would burst out of your chest and your head would spin so furiously you’d lose your balance. You thought your stomach would fill with butterflies to the brim and your whole body would be on fire.

But none of that is happening. On the contrary, every single muscle in your body relaxes under his touch. The way his soft mouth presses gently against yours makes you calmer, almost at peace amongst all this turmoil. 

Minho is kissing all your tension and stress away and you catch yourself letting a sigh of relief escape your parted lips.

As if you have kissed him already hundreds of times in your past life, Minho feels like home. He’s a safe haven you can always take refuge in during troubled times. Ever since the day you met, he has never left your side.

When he breaks away from the kiss, you notice your breath isn’t so ragged and your mind isn’t so foggy anymore. You’re serene. His cold hands are still cupping your face, slightly squishing your cheeks, and you feel like an idiot sandwich for asking him to slap you seconds before.

“That can work too, I guess…” you mutter.  

“You’re okay?” he asks, staring at you with the softest eyes you’ve ever seen.

You just nod, unable to say one more word, and sprint to the entrance, not wanting to make your interviewers wait any longer than they already have.

“Good luck!” You hear him yell just before the door closes behind you and you can’t help but grin from ear to ear.

- - - - - 

Thirty minutes later, you finally step out of the fancy lobby to find a very bored Minho leaning against a tree, patiently waiting for you.

“You’re still here?”

“Of course, I am,” he says, his mouth full of croissant. He gives you a large iced coffee he probably went buying to kill time. Your lips unconsciously curl up into a smile when you notice it comes from the same chain that the one you spilled on your lap on the day you first met him. 

“How did it go?” he asks you, sticking his buttery pastry into your mouth so that you can take a bite.

“Way better than I thought” you answer, right after you swallowed. You hate the way flakes would always get stuck between your teeth. But Minho is always there to warn you about it before anyone else notices, and even pick them for you if you can’t manage to, which, when you think about it, is kind of gross. 

There are two things the boy knows about you: you’re the greatest pessimist on earth and you’d rather die than admit you were wrong (especially if it meant he was right). So for you to even say it wasn’t that bad, means it went phenomenal. 

“I don’t want to say ‘I told you so’ but I told you so.” He smiles so wide you can barely see his eyes anymore. You have to look away, otherwise you know you might become instantly blinded by love.

“Maybe I could use some more of your luck” you mumble, staring at your shoes and kicking the red leaves that were surrounding your feet on this sunny autumn morning. 

“Really? And what makes you think I’ll share it with you,” he teases you, leaning forward to incite you to look at him in the eyes. 

“That.”

Your hand finds the back of his neck and pulls him in, in order to close the space that is still left between your mouths.

At first, Minho stiffens, taken aback by your bold move. But soon enough, he caves into your touch. He kisses you back fervently, like he means it. 

His fingers entagle in your hair, his arm wraps around your waist and his chest presses against your body. You’re melting in his embrace, submerged by a wave of bliss which he alone seems to know the recipe. 

It feels new, yet so familiar. Like it was supposed to happen, like it was written in the stars. 

He tastes like croissant and Americano. Like fortune and fate. 

And you can’t help but think you’re the luckiest person on earth.

Who cares about winning the lottery when Lee Minho is your lucky charm? 

[watchmegetobsessed]

If I Can’t Have You // part 4

sorry it took long to bring this part, but im busy with exams and also had to rewrite about half of it because i hated how it turned out, but enjoy my loves!

part 1 - part 2 - part 3

masterlist

Tens of scenarios run through Shawn’s head as he is on his way to Y/N’s place. He only had one beer so his thoughts are pretty clear as he is sitting in his Uber, impatiently staring out the window, counting the turns until the destination. That last text really just got him worried and he just wants to see that she is alright.

Once he arrives he runs up the stairs not bothering to wait for the elevator and hits the bell a bit too aggressively. When the door opens and a very tired looking, puffy eyed Y/N appears in front of him he feels like his soul is shattered.

Closing up the distance between then he just reaches out for her pulling her against his chest as her arms immediately wrap around his waist.

“I’m sorry if you had plans for tonight,” she mumbles into his shirt, secretly inhaling his scent deeply, something she’s been missing so much lately.

“It’s okay. I always have time for you,” he says, probably telling a little too much, but he doesn’t really care. He runs his fingers through her hair, giving her all the time she wants in his arms, only letting go of her when she does the same. When they finally end the hug Shawn gently closes the door behind him and they move to the living room, making themselves comfortable on the couch. She pulls he knees up to her chest hugging them with her arms as Shawn has an arm stretched behind her, waiting for her to speak up.

“I’m just… having the worst week and I don’t know where my head is,” she lets out a tired sigh closing her eyes. “I’ve been fucking everything up at work, I’m so behind with my projects and I keep forgetting stuff, I don’t know what I’m doing…”

“Have you been eating regularly?” he asks, concern all over his face. He couldn’t help but notice that she got slimmer since the last time he saw her. She looks away, knowing exactly that the answer won’t please him, but her look is already enough for him. “Y/N, you need to eat. I know you are busy, but if you keep skipping meals you are gonna faint. Did you eat dinner?”

“Um… I don’t remember,” she mumbles knowing well she did not, the last time she ate was around three o’clock and that wasn’t even a full meal either.

Shawn stands up without saying a word and walks over to the kitchen as she follows him with a curious gaze.

“What are you doing?” She asks when he starts opening the cabinets, grabbing different stuff from everywhere.

“I’m making you something to eat before you starve yourself,” he exclaims gathering everything he found on the counter.

She wanders over to him, her arms crossed on her chest as she watches him start making… whatever he has in mind.

“You really don’t have to, Shawn,” she tells him pushing herself up to the kitchen island while he is focusing on the ingredients.

“I don’t, but I want to. This is what I do for the people who are important to me.”

He was expecting some protesting from her or at least a denial comment on the last part, because this is what she has always done, made his statements about his feelings for her minor by denying their truthfulness, but this time she is completely silent. This is how he knows something is really off.

He decides to make some pancakes, that’s the fastest and easiest thing to make at the moment and in the meanwhile he makes her talk about things he knows she likes. He asks about if she saw any good movies lately, then they talk about books, he listens to her telling the entire plot of the latest book she read while flipping the pancakes. Then she asks him about music, his latest gigs and somehow they both forget about how they got there, they are just genuinely enjoying talking and listening to the other.

It’s past eleven when they are done with eating and Shawn finishes washing the dishes even though she asked him to leave it for her, he refused to leave a mess after him. Now they are lounging on the couch, enjoying some silence that is definitely not awkward. Shawn reaches to tug her hair behind her ears and she closes her eyes at his touch, almost aching for more.

His presence just changed all her feelings. Having him there made her feel safe and somehow more put together even though her whole week was a disaster. It makes her wonder if she did the worst thing last time when she went over to his place. She doesn’t want to stop seeing him, she doesn’t want to be in no contact with him, she definitely wants to know everything and be able to be around him as much as possible.

But they are living different lives and she has no idea how these two worlds can work together. He is a popstar, sold out tours and interviews are the normal every days for him while she has a regular job, far away from being anywhere in the spotlight and she doesn’t feel like she could take the attention and this is what breaks her heart.

Her head feels heavy, and her thoughts even heavier. Shawn’s warm touch on her ankle brings her back to reality, finding herself staring into his hazel eyes. A gaze she’s been looking for in everyone lately, but never found until now.

“How are you feeling?” he asks with a faint smile.

“Better,” she whispers returning the smile. “Thank you for coming over. I wasn’t expecting it especially after our last encounter.”

“To be honest, I had a second thought of keeping myself away from you when you texted, but… I couldn’t have done that.”

He thought seeing her would be painful, but the thought of her suffering was worse. Tonight brought him the feeling that after all she does need him and might have feelings for him. This is why there is not no regret in him for coming here.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you, it wasn’t my intention.”

“Don’t be sorry for doing what felt right,” he tells her, not wanting to make her feel guilty even if that would work for his favor.

His company doubted everything she thought she was certain about. She really believed this thing with Shawn was just a momentary flame from her side, but the past’s events refuted this theory of hers. She very much needs him, but has no idea how to make everything she said right.

“It’s getting late,” Shawn sighs checking the time on his phone. “I have to head home. Will you be okay?”

She can’t help but feel disappointed that he needs to leave, but nods anyway. They leave the comfort of the couch as they head to the door.

“Call me, if you need something, okay?”

“Thanks,” she smiles faintly. He steps out to the hallway, but she calls after him once more.

“Shawn!”

He turns around, looking at her kindly. The words are right there on her tongue, waiting to roll off, but she hesitates.

“Can we meet sometime soon?” she asks hopefully. For a moment she feels like he’ll say no, but then a small smile appears on his lips.

“Sure. Text me tomorrow.”

She happily nods as she watches him leave. Closing the door she leans against it, sliding down to the floor and hugging her knees to her chest. She can’t decide what she is really feeling, but one thing is for sure. She definitely will text him tomorrow.

   A few weeks ago it was impossible to imagine them going back to a place similar where they were before that talk, but they did. After Shawn’s late night visit they really kept their words and met up for lunch the next day, then dinner the day after, movie night, cooking together, all the things they did before.

It’s Saturday evening, Shawn convinced her to join him for a few drinks with a couple of friends. She said no straight away the first time he asked, feeling pretty anxious about meeting his friends for the first time. Shawn knew this might put a lot of pressure on her, but he assured her that it’s just a friendly gathering and managed to make her say yes.

Y/N is trying her best to not overthink the situation. It’s just a friendly evening, she keeps telling herself.

Brian, Andrew, Teddy, Eddy and Josiah are all there when they arrive. Shawn introduces everyone and Y/N is trying her best to chill down and just enjoy the evening. It gets easier when they all have the first round of drinks and she realizes these people are all nice and welcoming.

“Okay, next round is on me,” Y/N announces squeezing herself out of the booth. Teddy jumps to her feet as well.

“Let me help you,” she smiles joining her on her way to the bar. They order a beer for everyone and wait there while the bartender takes care of their order.

“So, I’m happy you came!” Teddy grins at her delightfully.

“Um, me too! I was a bit afraid, but… you all seem very nice,” she chuckles.

“I understand it’s a big step, but we all just want to see Shawn happy and I’m glad you two are working things out.”

“Big step?” Y/N asks furrowing her eyebrows.

“Shawn has been going on and on about you lately, he seems so happy and we are all rooting for you. I hope I’m not too forward, but he suffered so much before. I’m just glad that he is finally settling down at a place that’s so good for him mentally.”

“What exactly Shawn told you? About me,” she questions, feeling her heartbeat getting faster by the minute, but still not sure the real reason for that.

“He just told us about meeting you, and talking things out. Just generally being happy to be around you. I mean, I was waiting for you two to get together for so long, but in the past week you obviously worked things out, so that’s amazing! You are handling everything so well!”

Y/N stares ahead of her as the bar tender arrives with the drinks. Teddy asks him to put them on a tray while Y/N is still just standing there frozen, processing what she just heard.

“Hey, um… I need to go outside for a bit, can you handle the drinks?” Y/N asks her and she nods, but gives her a worried look.

“Everything alright?” she asks.

“Yeah, be right back,” she mumbles before leaving her alone at the bar, crossing the room and exiting the place.

Teddy arrives to the table with the drinks, giving everyone their beer, but Shawn looks around.

“Where is Y/N?”

She slides into the booth across Shawn and smiles at him.

“Oh, she said she needs to go outside a bit. Maybe she needs to make a call?” Shawn’s skin grows hot from anxiety, something is not right and he can feel it.

“What did you talk about at the bar?”

“Not much, I just told her I’m happy you two are making things work.” She takes a sip of her drink as Shawn stares at her in disbelief. “It’s great to see you two finally together.”

“We are not together!” he snaps angrily and the smile immediately vanishes from her lips.

“I-I didn’t… I didn’t know… I thought… But you went on dates and stuff, I really thought…”

“Well, you thought wrong!” Shawn groans jumping out of the booth in hopes of finding her outside.

Running outside he turns around several times, roaming the street with his eyes, looking for her figure anywhere, but she is nowhere to be seen. He frantically dials her number, but it goes straight to the voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Y/N. Leave me a message, I’ll call you back as soon as possible!” Her delightful voice informs Shawn who is gripping his phone so hard, the material is pushing into his fingers harshly.

“Y/N, please call me. I can explain everything, Teddy just misunderstood everything. Please, call me!” he begs in hope of hearing an answer on the other end, but there is only silence.

[the--blackdahlia]

This Life Chapter 16

Title: This Life Chapter 16

Summary:  Dean Winchester is the Vice President of the motorcycle club The Hunters. After almost 7 years in prison, he's free. But things have changed and Dean has to figure out how to put things back together.

Warnings: Language, mentions of drug use, this chapter is pretty sad

AN: Thank you to the lovely @sams-serialkiller-fetish .  The song for this chapter is Come Join the Murder by The White Buffalo & The Forest Rangers

Sam was curled up in the passenger seat of Baby as Dean drove them back to Wolfpine. He had his arm cradled against him and his eyes were closed. Dean kept casting glances over at him. The kid had worked himself up the minute Ellen stepped out of the truck and asked where Benny was. Jim had forced him to take a couple pills from the med kit that Bobby kept in the truck and before Dean knew it, his not so little, little brother was snoring softly beside him in the Impala.

Dean was exhausted. He couldn’t wait to get back to Wolfpine and collapse onto his bed. And he had the pull out couch for Sam to sleep on for the night. Unless he decided that they needed to spend the night in John’s old house. But Dean didn’t think it was a very good idea. Plus, they had the Wayward Sons following them to Wolfpine to think of a plan in case the remaining Horsemen decided to retaliate for Azazel’s death.

Bobby had called in some favors with a couple sheriff’s who owed him a thing or two. Benny’s body would be returned home, and the bodies of Azazel and the henchmen would be dealt with. Jody assured Bobby of that. Bobby could focus then on putting Benny to rest. His dad was currently drinking his way through Atlantic City, and his mom was on her honeymoon with her new husband in Europe. Bobby doubted that either would be there to say goodbye to their son.

And then there was Sam. That kid had been through more trauma in the past year than any of them had. He had watched as a fire destroyed everything, he watched his dad shot in the chest and was left for dead, and then he was chained up to watch as a man who was like a brother to him was shot in the head and killed. Bobby didn’t know about what Azazel had told Sam, and neither did Dean. Bobby didn’t know about Sam’s downward spiral into depression that John managed to pull him out of. Dean was afraid it was going to happen again.

“Sammy.” Dean said gently when he parked Baby in Winchester-Singer’s lot. Sam groaned and slowly opened his eyes. “Hey, we’re at the garage. I thought we could stay here tonight then head to my place tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Sam said softly, opening the door and slowly getting out, stretching his long legs as he did. He had been asleep when they stopped in New Mexico. He didn’t even remember Dean making him get out of the car to use the bathroom and forced him to eat a little something that the medicine in him wouldn’t screw him up too much.

“How’s your arm?” Dean asked, coming around to look at Sam.

“It’s fine.” He whispered, but he was holding it close to him. Dean was sure that it was probably hurting. He followed Sam to the building. He could hear the others pulling in. But Dean knew that Sam needed time away from all of them. Hell, he needed time away from all of them. So they made their way through everything to the room that Dean used to sleep in when he just couldn’t handle being around John, until he got the apartment that was. It wasn’t much. A large bed mainly. But that’s all they really needed. They needed sleep.

“Let me look at that.” Dean said when he closed the door behind him. Sam held out his arm for Dean to check it out. He knew basic first aid. And he knew how to change bandages. He was going to make sure that they were always clean and taken care of. “It looks fine. It should heal nicely.”

“Thanks.” Sam sighed and set down on the bed. “You want the bed?”

“I think there’s enough room we could share.” Dean laughed. “And I’ll even keep my boxers on.”

“God, you’re ridiculous.” Sam said, kicking off his boots and laying back on one side of the bed. Dean kicked off his own shoes and his vest was next. He tossed himself down on the bed.

“God, this thing stinks.” He shook his head, not wanting to know what had been done on this bed. “I’m replacing it once everything is done and over with.” Sam didn’t answer. Dean looked over to find Sam fast asleep. He couldn’t help but smile. “G’night bitch.” He said, turning over and falling to sleep himself.

****

The next morning, there were not alarm clocks. Everyone slept in as much as they could, just enjoying their moments of peace. They knew that war was on the horizon, especially once the other princes found Azazel. They also knew that they were going to have to bury Benny. Bobby had tried over and over again to get a hold of either of his parents, but nothing.

Sheriff Mills came by in the afternoon. Dean was out in the garage, trying to focus on a car to keep his mind off of everything. The Wayward Sons were staying at John’s old home for the night. Bobby had never sold it, figuring that Sam might want it during the summers or something. Or that Dean would get tired of that apartment and want a change. Lucifer, Andy, Gabriel, Ruby, and Meg were all there, waiting for the other shoe to drop and war to break out.

“Dean Winchester.” Jody said, walking up to him. Dean smiled some.

“Hey Jody.” Dean said, wiping his hands on a shop rag. She could tell that his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes though and she immediately hugged him. She might have been on the Hunters payroll, but she was also a friend. That’s what made it a little easier to look the other one every once in awhile.

“Benjamin Lafitte has been released to the North Star Hospital Center.” Jody explained to Dean. “So you guys can arrange…” Dean nodded.

“Thanks Jody. We really owe you.” Dean said. Jody looked up then and smiled some as Sam came out into the garage, favoring his arm.

“Sam.” She hugged him, careful to miss his arm. “Welcome home.”

“Thanks Jody.” Sam said softly. “Hey Dean, have you seen Jim?”

“No, not yet. Your arm hurting?” Dean asked. Sam nodded. Dean was about to say something when some new bikes pulled into the lot. Jody was a little on edge. “It’s ok Jody, they’re friends.” Dean said. Andy took his helmet off and looked over at Sam and Dean.

“You okay?” He asked, walking past Jody.

“I’m fine.” Sam sighed. Jody took this time to size up the Wayward Sons. Andy seemed okay. Meg and Ruby weren’t too bad. Gabriel looked a little rough around the edges. Lucifer was fucking scary.

“I could score you some Demon Blood man.” Lucifer said. “It’ll stop all the pain.”

“Yeah, and it’ll stop him from being a functioning human being.” Ruby hissed. “Don’t even bring that shit around here.”

“Demon Blood?” Dean asked. “What the fuck is that?”

“Street drug and nasty.” Jody told him. “I just had to interview a couple of girls who had been slipped it in their drinks.” Dean watched Ruby awkwardly rubbed her arm as Jody spoke. “Moderation shouldn’t cause any life altering effects. But too much and overdoses can really fuck you up.”

“Can we change the subject?” Sam asked. “I don’t need Demon Blood. Just some low grade, over the counter painkillers and I’ll be good.”

“What happened anyway?” Jody asked.

“I got shot.” Sam said dismissively before he headed to where Ellen and Jo were to see if they had anything.

“Well, I guess you guys have things to attend to.” Jody said. “Let me know when the funeral is. I’d love to pay my respects.” She patted Dean’s arm and offered a small smile. “And tell Bobby to give me a call.” She left then. Dean went to go make the arrangements to have Benny buried. He didn’t want him to lay there and rot because his parents couldn’t give a shit about him. He also needed to research whatever this Demon Blood shit was.

“She was addicted to it.” Andy said to Dean, startling him some. “Ruby was. She was kicked out of her home, lost her job, everything. All she wanted was more of it. But she pulled herself out and is very anti Demon Blood.”

“Why is it called that?” Dean asked.

“No matter what form it’s in, it’s a deep red. It looks like blood. And it causes the user to hallucinate. A very common side effect is they believe they have powers.” Andy looked over at Lucifer, who was talking with Meg and Gabriel. “Lucifer OD’ed on it. That’s why he’s insane.”

“That did that to him?” Dean asked.

“Gabriel said he had a slight mental illness anyway. And he got hooked on Demon Blood. And he just took more and more until his body couldn’t take it anymore.” Andy explained. “Sam got lucky. He took it once and it made him sick and he promised to never take it again.” Andy realized as soon as the words left his mouth, he shouldn’t have said them.

“Wait...what did you say?” Dean asked.

“Nothing.” Andy shook his head.

“Sam took this drug?” Dean asked. Andy sighed.

“Once, as a moment of weakness. Right after Jess died. But he got so sick that the benefits were overshadowed. And he promised all of us and God himself that he would never do it again.” Andy could see the anger bubbling away under Dean’s skin. What else had Sam neglected to tell him? Instead, Dean stormed off, leaving Andy there. He went to find Bobby so they could get ready to bury Benny.

****

The funeral home was quick to have things set up. So it was the next day and they were ready. Benny was prepped and placed in a closed casket. It was sunny and warm. Every trope in movies said it was supposed to rain. So it couldn’t really be a funeral.

It was a graveside service. The funeral home did bring Benny to the cemetery via hearse, and the Hunters and Wayward Sons were the pallbearers. While the Wayward Sons had only known Benny a couple of days, they felt obligated to stand there by the Hunters. Ellen and Jo sobbed. Especially Ellen. She had watched Benny grow up from a chubby toddler to a man.

Sam was one of the first to leave when the ceremony was over. He had to get away. He needed air. So he stormed off, running away to a club of trees where he could sit and be alone. But he wasn’t, because Dean was right behind him.

“Sammy…” Dean said. “We got revenge for Benny and for dad.”

“You think that Azazel planned this all on his own?” Sam asked. Dean was about to speak up. “There are three more princes out there, plus their fucking henchmen. Dean, we have to stop them all.”

“And we will in due time.” Dean said. “We just buried Benny.”

“They won’t care.” Sam told him. “And if what Azazel said is true…”

“What? What did he say to you?” Dean asked.

“He told me that he slept with mom when her and dad were separated and that I have a good chance of being his kid.” Sam told Dean. “I don’t believe but…”

“Dad told me about that.” Dean said. “You’re not Azazel’s son. Even if you were, it didn’t change anything. Dad loved you so much.”

“But…”

“No buts Sammy. You’re a Winchester, that’s all there is to it. You ain’t getting out of this family that easy.” He smirked at Sam, who rolled his eyes. “Come on. I think a trip up to Austin for a burger is in order. My treat.”

“Can we take Baby?” Sam asked.

“Of course. Probably hard to steer your bike with that arm anyway.” They headed back to the others. They had gotten a ride with Bobby. Dean didn’t mention anything about what Andy had told him about Demon Blood. He just wasn’t in the mood to fight with Sam. He got his brother back and he wanted to keep it that way. He didn’t want to push him away.

And a trip to Austin really could do them both a lot of good.

****

Aguila, Arizona

Azazel’s body laid on a table as Asmodeus, Alastair, Ramiel, Lilith, Abbadon, and Dagon stood around. It had been chaos when the princes had came back from a run to Mexico and found their fourth dead on the ground. This just stunk of Hunters. Alastair was sure of it.

“They’re all dead.” Asmodeus finally said. “The Hunters have to be exterminated.”

“What do we do?” Ramiel asked.

“We slaughter them like the pigs they are.” Lilith hissed. She held Azazel’s favorite pistol in her hands. “I want to kill at least one of them.”

“Lil, just breathe.” Abbadon said. She looked at the others.

“Actually, I think it would be a fantastic idea to include the girls.” Alastair said. “They have a moral code. They’re not going to willingly shoot women. And they don’t have women in their group. It would be the perfect distraction.”

“Then let’s get ready.” Asmodeus announced. “I want the Hunters dead by the end of the week.”

Forever Tags: @anathewierdo @i-would-die-for-woodland-demars @dekahg @marvel-af @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogaruke @xxwarhawk

Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles  Tags: @luciathewinchestergirl @sheris532 @bobasheebaby @flamencodiva @bella-ca

This Life Tags: @soulslaststand @jamielea81 @caplansteverogers @becs-bunker @colie87

Supernatural Tags: @bandobsession98 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @fangirlsencyclopaediaofweirdness @ilovetardis @missihart23 @cloudyskylines @supernaturalwincestsblog @sams-serialkiller-fetish

[piamii]

Digestion

Annoyed at stupid therapist who took 10 million fucking years to respond to me

Apprehensive about one client because I’m worried the intervention wont get off the ground bc of the school and talking to caregiver is exhausting, I don’t want to keep advocating and disagreeing with people

Inadequare next to this teacher who is amazing, I am afraid my feedback will not be helpful

Hopeless because I’ve worked overtime consistently the last few weeks and a lot of it is catching up from sick days and vacation and when am I ever going to not take forever to intervention plan

Just in this pool of misery because things are getting better and easier but I don’t feel good about it. I can’t hold onto the good moments. I’m anxious when I’m supposed to be relaxing. I have so many unwanted thoughts about work in the evenings

Annoyed because I don’t want to include both caregivers due to it making my schedule suck ass, I want to not work as hard, I see a corner I can cut

Disappointed and wary because I feel withdrawn from the people around me

Angry because I worked hard to make sure to cover so kiddo got testing today but then his mom was rude af to me

Embarrassed because I didn’t document that I tried to call a patient and was gonna do it later bc I thought I wouldn’t be able to reach them and it looked like I didn’t do shit

Feeling like a failure because I’m struggling to sleep early even when I try to wind down early and also I don’t have any good boooks to read

Anxious because I don’t really know how to interview this kiddo around psychosis and mania past her initial denial

Unacceptable because I feel all these negative emotions all the time and putting them into words makes it real and makes me a problem, I wish I could just say these things and have people treat me like nothing happened

Not good at my job because I always have so much to talk about in supervision. Of course I fucking know lots of these feelings are normal and that many of them aren’t true. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel them all the fucking time and I have to hide them to function

Why am I just so fucking down this week, is it really because I’m just being more honest with myself?

I don’t fucking want to go in early tomorrow even that 15 minutes is really important to me I don’t want to be flexible and I don’t want to be incredibly anxious tmr because I didn’t give myself that extra 15 mins to plan

Im tired of having my time disrespected and that I have to work hard to enforce attendance when it’s not my fucking problem

I’m tired of looking forward and realizing it’ll just be even more and harder versions of the same shit as I move forward in my career

A fucking failure because I can’t deal with planning a bunch of fucking trips with all of this going on. I can’t fucking do it and I’m the fucking worst for it.

I worked hard to take advantage of the opportunity to end Thursday early and then realized I would have fuckign hours and hours of paperwork that will put me at overtime once again

Why did I agree to attend this fucking conference

I always think things will be awful and then they’re not, it’s not the actual things I do it’s all the negative feelings I have before and after that are so hard to take

This week has made me empathize with other anxious people even more than before

I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t figure out how to ask for what I want in supervision, I’m also angry that she doesn’t facilitate it for me without me asking

I’m nervous about rating my state of being accurately in group sup

I’m worried about not being ok, because I am okay, I’ll be fine, I just want to be honest for once, am I allowed to be negative at least in the confines of my own mind? I am doing the exact same as before but now that I’m finally being honest I feel a lot worse, is that okay?

Hey self, is that okay?

[princelyluck-a]

Huuuu can i hav some encouraging words? Tomorrow ill have interview and while im positive im scared about working for so much time n im afraid to fuck up and ill be away from home which is my safe space so im 😢

[v-v-void]

Not me ignoring every single notification I get today because I'm plagued by this dreadful sadness. And why? I shouldn't be sad. I might get to see someone I've been missing for a while.. maybe a little afraid to get my hopes up but I'm trying to believe it'll happen.. I just spoke with two daycares and things are falling into place.. both of which want hunter and are very close to all of his family. One has a single opening and I'm on the waiting list for it.. and the other is waiting for a permit that'll allow more children to go into a preschool program, allowing space for hunter and multiple other kids his age in the daycare.. but I'm still looking.. I have another job interview tomorrow and overall.. I'm excited.. it'll be good for both of us.. things seems to be good, so why do I feel so fucking heavy? The weight on my chest is blocking my airways and making it impossible to think clearly.. all I know is that I'm sad. AGAIN. I just spent 30 minutes on the living room floor staring at the ceiling.. and my eyes.. they burn.. You know that feeling when you're about to cry and your eyes sting.. maybe it's just me trying to hold them back.. and yet I want nothing more than to release all of these feelings. If I could just cry and scream and let out all of these emotions.. maybe then I'd feel better?.. My eye lids are heavy and I want to sleep but i cant get anyone to watch hunter. That's all I did this weekend.. get time to myself and I slept.. kinda.. The point is, I keep pushing forward and everyday I feel my chest constricting.. The fear I have of anything and everything, crushing any hopes I have of feeling lighter. Ironically Im still praying things work out this time.. because I'm exhausted. I should've been out of this house by now and one step closer to building a better life for my son.

I need to be held.. or to hold onto them. To wrap my arms around them and melt. There aren't many embraces that allow me to put my bags down. That make me feel safe enough to let the walls crumble around us. If I don't get to see them soon I feel like I'm going to break.. as if the time we spend apart is just going to pull our souls further and further apart.. 😔 We went four years without seeing each other and that was hard enough.. after spending so much time with them, seeing them every few days or once a week was hard.. now it's been weeks.. and I feel like there's a hole in my heart that fills when they're in my arms.. like putting a key into a lock. They fit.

[oakandcirrus]

oh i feel myself getting bitter my friend is going to italy ooh god i could wither plants and turn the ph of soil to acidic im so tired of people getting what i want im so tired of wanting what i cant have im so tired of waking up with barely any sleep to drag myself through the day only to come home and work some more im tired im sick and tired and i just want to run away just fuckin disappear i want to leave everything behind and i want the stress to go away but non, c’est la vie, ouai? just fuckin slave away my entire life stress about school stress about a job interview stress about college stress about paying for it stress about moving away stress about getting trapped in this shithole city stress about a boy who doesn’t even notice me stress about everything god im just so done with it all im on the verge of thinking none of this is even worth it i have to come up with an appealing resume that isnt just gonna get skipped over and i have to get my permit and my license and i hate being busy its horrible i hate not having downtime i dont want this life i have and what i do want seems impossible to reach theres no way to get from a to be they might as well be galaxies apart tomorrow is my last day of school before break but the stress isnt gonna end because my fucking bitch of a teacher decided to give us a project shes never given any class prior to ours she lays it all out like its so fuckin simple and gives us a few weeks to try and come up with a reason for why x happened from the 60s forward like im sorry thats 60 years worth of information to sift through 60 years of bills and studies and different presidents its horrible and its due december 8th and were nowhere near done and i NEED this break i csnnot work during it otherwise im gonna find a cliff and fucking jump im at my breaking point and ive been strong and ive been trying to hold it all together and smile and laugh and im losing the ability to do so i just spend the whole day outside my body watching myself take notes or collapse onto the desk for five minutes of sleep before a teacher wakes me up in the most obnoxious way possible and im sick of it and im just very very alone clinging to anything i can clinging to memories of happier times and a boy that doesnt give a shit abiut me the things we invent when were scsred and want to be saved and i want to be saved im digging my nails in so i dont fall too far so i dont become beyond saving im just waiting for someone or the strength to pull myself up but there are no saviors just the yawning pit and my arms are shaking and im losing my grip and jesus if i breathed a single audible word of this to anyone it would all come spilling out and we’d both drown i dont know how deep this well is and how long its been full and ive never seen the bottom im afraid of whats down there when all the tears have been shed what damp and festering all-consuming emptiness waits for me at the bottom

[the-goddess-of-change]

The job interview.

Mark sighs and looks over at his friend ''that is the fourth job interview that turned me down, its impossible to find work now'' His friend nods slowly and looks at him ''i guess...but i know a friend who is looking for some new people ? i can send her a message and ask her ?'' ''i guess its worth a try Claire'' Claire smiles and nods as she texts her friend and gets an answer almost immediatly ''She said you can come by tomorrow at 12.00'' ''is that okay ?'' Mark nods ''that's fine but where is it ?'' Claire explains the location to mark and writes it down on a note and hands it to him ''There you go'' ''Thanks'' So the day passes and the next day Mark shows up to the specified place and sits in the waiting room waiting to be called in A woman wearing a black blazer and a matching skirt walks out of the office and looks at him ''Are you the one Claire asked me about ?'' Mark stands up and nods ''yeah, my name is mark'' She looks at him for a few seconds and sighs ''Well...it seems there has been a small misunderstanding then, the job is for women only i'm afraid but...maybe i have other uses for you, lets do the interview'' Mark nods slowly and follows the woman as they conduct the interview After its done the woman looks at him ''Hmm...color me surprised now, you aced the interview but...i cant hire you....this is quite a pickle...'' she looks at mark who looks like he is ready to just give up on the search for a job now ''why not though ? why does it have to be a woman ? i dont get it'' ''....Caire didn't even tell you what the job was ?'' ''N-no...she didn't'' ''Oh...right...well we sell...adult toys so to say and well to sell it you need to experience it and use it on yourself so you can get a better idea on how it works and sell it to customers which are mostly women or men buying it for their wives etc'' Mark looks at her ''Ah...right, that makes sense i suppose....well i guess there isn't much i can do then'' She nods and Mark heads home to find Claire lying on his sofa smiling as he walks inside ''So, got the job ?'' ''Fuck off, you knew it was for women only, you fucked me over there Claire, you're such a dick sometimes you know'' ''Awww, dont be pouty Mark, you know i'm always there for you right ?'' ''Really now ? you are?'' ''Mgm, because i got you covered there'' she smiles and points over at a bottle of something on the table ''Drink that and it will be good okay?'' Mark walks over and looks at it ''60% pure alcohol ? will me getting drunk help ?'' ''Will it not help ? you usually drink when you get down so im just saving you going to the store so like i said, i'm always here for you'' she giggles as mark opens the bottle and chugs it ''Fuck! that's sweet! that cant have alcohol in it'' Claire shrugs as Mark just chugs the entire bottle Claire then looks at him and laughs ''Nope! it didnt, i lied to you i put that there myself, i got this drink from someone i know but dont worry, it will solve all your problems okay?'' Mark clenches his fists and looks at her ''You are such a fucking dick sometimes, didn't even get me alcohol but then if not Alcohol what was it ?'' ''Who knows right ? spooky stuff because i wont tell you anything i'm just going to lie here and watch the magic happen'' Mark just sighs at her and goes to the kitchen and looks inside his fridge ''oh my god...CLAIRE!!!!'' Claire walks over ''Yes?'' ''Did you pour out all my beer i had in here ?'' ''hmmm....i dont know, i think i did but i dont remember'' Mark looks at her in anger but cant force himself to do anything since she does this kinda stuff all the time ''Dont be angry, you know ill make it up to you when you need it as always but right now, lie down and just let your mind wander a bit okay ?'' Mark sighs but nods at her ''yeah, maybe i just need a little rest, you gonna crash here while i drop out ?'' ''mhm! i'm going to go to the store and get us some candy and drinks and see if there is a good movie on the tv later so when you wake up we're going to have loads of fun, okay?'' Mark smiles at her and nods as he hugs her and goes and lies down on his bed and closes his eyes Mark struggles a bit to fall asleep but once he does he find himself in a strange place, he's inside what looks like his house but there is no furniture there and he can see himself just standing there in the middle of the room just looking at nothing Mark tries to move around in his dream but its like his vision is just fixated on himself The clone of him just stands there doing nothing Mark tries to speak in his dream but yet again, nothing happens and just as fast as that happened Mark wakes up feeling a tingling sensation all over his body ''Ah...Damn ? what the hell kinda fever dream was that....but fuck i feel weird all over...'' he walks over to the bathroom and splashes some water on his face and notices his beard is just gone from his face ''......'' ''....she didn't...'' Mark touches his smooth face and does notice it feels smoother than usual like some skin cream has been applied to it ''she couldn't have...its impossible'' Mark sighs and reaches up for the towel but he feels its a bit higher up than it was before he tiptoes and reaches the towel and washes his face and notices his short hair is a bit longer than before it also has gone from a dark brown color to a light brown color ''Okay, i know Claire didn't do that'' Mark touches his hair slightly and notices something weird, it seems like its growing longer as he holds around it Mark just keeps holding his hair as it grows longer and longer and reaches down to his chest as it stops growing ''This is fucking insane...did Claire...oh my god...did she spike the drink she gave me ?! god damn it!'' Mark lets go of his hair and sighs yet again and splashes some more water on his face ''stupid Claire...'' Mark sighs and dries his face and just looks at himself in the mirror His whole face looks different now, his eyes are now brown instead of blue His lips are fuller, his nose smaller, even his eyebrows looks like they were fixed and his bone structure looks different ''Holy shit....what the fuck is this ?!'' Mark runs his hands over his face and sure enough it feels different, its smoother, more curvy and more...feminine Its not that it looks feminine...it is feminine, like it is a woman's face looking back at him ''Holy...shit! am i tripping or is it real ?'' Mark steps a bit back and takes a deep sigh and closes his eyes Mark starts breathing heavily as he opens his eyes back up and notices his chest is starting to swell up slowly pushing against his shirt his breasts starts to expand getting bigger and bigger til they finally stop as mark rips his shirt of and looks down ''What the actual fuck is going on now ?! this cant be real but i ain't tripping either! Fuck! CLAIREEE!!!'' He yells as loud as he can but no one responds ''shes not here?'' Mark staggers around the appartement but no one is there ''she said she was going out...fair enough...'' ''But fuck...'' Mark sighs and looks down on his chest and cups his breasts with his hands as he feels his crotch tingling ''Fuck! NGH!! what is this ?!'' Mark shouts and drops his pants on the floor and looks down at his manhood as it starts to shrink and go into his body leaving only some flat skin there where it once was but not sooner than that happens it feels like his skin is being ripped open as his body screams in pain ''AHHHH!!!!'' Mark screams in intense pain as his new womanhood opens up and Mark passes out from the pain just about 10 minutes later Claire walks into the house and looks at Mark who is now sitting on a chair with his oversized pants on and a blanket over him ''Yay! so it did work! i am amazed!'' Mark stands up and looks at her ''Oh my god Claire! you are fucking unbelivable!'' Mark pouts as his new voice is clearly a womans voice and not his own anymore ''Awww what a cutie voice you got, but i got you some clothes so get dressed up or do you need help?'' Claire giggles and walks over to Mark and takes the blanket away from him ''Why isnt your shirt on ?'' ''....it...broke i guess..'' Claire just giggles and starts poking mark's breasts ''Awww cute cups you got there...hmmm...what shall we call you...how about...oh! you look like a Lauren'' ''Yep! Lauren it is, that's your new name now'' Claire just keeps giggling and poking Laurens chest ''Stop it'' ''Fine fine grumpy'' she looks in her bag and gets out some bra's ''let me see which one fits you'' she smiles and tries on a couple til she finds on that fits Lauren ''there we go, perfect for you and its a cute black one as well so now you look all sexy and stuff but we're not done yet'' She smiles and pulls of Lauren's pants and boxer ''Awwww and look there, you even got a v-....'' ''Dont say it!'' Claire just giggles and hands Lauren some panties and some black pants ''put these on'' Lauren sighs but does as told ''And now you're almost kinda fully dressed just need a shirt...how about like a shirt and a cardigan over since its kinda cold ? yeah that should work perfect!'' ''it is so fun you are really into this you know because i just wanna beat the shit outta you'' ''those words coming from those cute lips and that voice totally dosent fit you anymore'' Lauren pouts some more while Claire cuddles down next to her and kisses her cheek ''Awww, you look so cute when you do that you know, but my boyfriend would totally kill me if i kissed you some more'' ''you dont got a boyfriend, you're single'' ''well im just waiting for him to see me you know, i know he's out there'' ''that makes no sense but whatever'' ''Awww you sad i wont be your cute lesbian girlfriend ?'' ''No! shut up!'' Claire giggles some more and smiles at her ''So i set you up with a new interview with Cassandra tomorrow so you will get the job now! yay!'' ''its a job selling sex toys!'' ''i know! and now you will get it!'' ''God damn it...'' Lauren sighs and stands up ''Where are you going ?'' ''Bathroom...i gotta go'' Claire giggles and drags Lauren with her to the bathroom ''Go on then, you know girls go to the bathrooms together soooo dont be shy princess'' ''....'' Lauren just sighs but sits down on the toilet and does her thing ''Awww so cute'' Lauren just looks away and finishes and gets up as Claire just keeps giggling ''This is just the best!'' Lauren sighs and washes her hands and leaves the bathroom and heads to her room ''im going to go to bed'' ''Me to! im taking the sofa then since its so comfy'' Lauren says nothing but they both decide to go to bed The next morning Lauren is awoken by Claire just standing next to the bed looking at her ''Fuck! you scared me!'' ''Awww, sorry i just wanted to look at you sleeping'' Lauren sighs ''that's not creepy at all but fine...'' gets out of the bed and gets dressed ''Your interview is in an hour so better get ready for that'' Claire smiles and slaps her butt ''oh and i got you this for the interview'' she smiles and hands Lauren a skirt ''put it on and i got you some cute shoes as well'' Lauren sighs but reluctantly goes along with it and puts on the skirt as Claire hands her some heels ''these are easy to walk on and i know you can walk on high heels after that time you got drunk and wore em for like 3 hours'' ''Yes yes...'' puts the shoes on and walks around a bit without really any issue ''oooohhh, looking cute now, real buissness like, its like you've always been Lauren but you know it dont have to be like that you know'' ''What?'' Lauren looks at her ''Well i got a bottle that can change you back you know...so you get to live both lives so since its all fun, why not go all the way and just act it out?'' Lauren looks at her ''so i can change back?'' ''Well that depends if you do a good job and behave good i will let you do as you please'' ''For real Claire Answer me'' ''Fine'' she pouts ''yeah, i got the potion but C'mon just have some fun?'' Lauren looks at her and sighs ''fine ill go along with this, might be fun so why not'' ''Yay! You are the best Lauren'' she giggles and huggles Lauren tightly ''And since you're a girl we can go shopping together and get free drinks and so much more'' ''...i think there is more to being a man or a woman than that but...isnt that kinda generic?'' ''Whatever! its all about having fun til the day you're just a fucking corpse rotting in the ground'' ''....i dont get you...'' ''You dont have to understand me, Lauren silly'' Claire once again giggles and kisses Lauren's cheek ''i thought you said you wouldn't do that'' ''Hmmm...i did but that was past me you know'' ''....right...okay, time for me to go then'' ''oh oh! im driving you there so lets go vroom!'' ''....yes...'' Lauren just sighs as Claire drives her to the place and drops her off for the interview Once again Lauren is sitting in the waiting room and waiting for Cassandra Cassandra walks out and looks at Lauren and smiles ''Lauren right ? please come inside'' she smiles as Lauren follows her once again inside the office and nails the interview just like last time ''huh...that was amazing'' she smiles ''T-thank you'' Lauren smiles ''So i would give you the job there is just one small issue...'' ''oh ? what is it...?'' ''Well Claire just sent me a message and i guess...you can work it out from there'' ''....Damn Claire...'' ''Now....that is fine Lauren, You do fit all the criterias now so there is no reason why i cant hire you but like i said you have to try out the...toys and that you will act like what you are...not that men and women cant act in whatever way they want but you know what i mean right ?'' Lauren nods slowly ''okay then, Welcome to the team then Lauren'' Cassandra smiles at Lauren and stands up ''if you got any questions and such dont be afraid to ask but i am a bit afraid the rest of the staff might know your little situation since Claire pretty much knows everyone here and sent them the same message'' ''How does Claire know everyone here?'' ''I dont know, big social circle i guess and she is kinda easy to get to know and get along with'' ''i guess so'' Cassandra smiles and shows Lauren around the office ''So this is our office, as you already know, we sell toys and sell them to people but we are trying to kinda branch out and open up our own store which is where you come in, i want you to run the store once it opens up'' ''So...im going to work in a adult toy shop ?'' ''that's right Lauren and i hope i can trust you...'' ''Y-Yes of course...i will do my best its just a lot going on right now but Claire just told me to go along with it'' ''Good advice i guess, i guess there is a lot for you to get used to at the moment'' ''Not...really, my body is different but i'm still the same person so its fine'' Cassandra just smiles and walks into another room and returns with a box and hands them to Lauren ''Here we go, this is just some beginner stuff i want you to try out before you start working, i hope that wont be any issue?'' Lauren looks at the box then at Cassandra and nods slowly ''ill...try to do it...'' Cassandra smiles and hugs Lauren ''That's great! so i will give you a call tomorrow then we can talk more about it and when the shop opens up on Friday i hope everything has worked out for you'' Lauren nods and takes the box ''so then, see you in two days'' She smiles as Lauren nods at her and walks out where she spots Claire in the car just listening to music and drinking some energy drink Lauren walks over and gets inside as Claire just giggles at her as she notices the box ''this is going to be great!'' she squeals as they drive back home and unpack the box which contains to no one surprise a bunch of adult toys and some kinky items ''Lookie here, we got some handcuffs...a paddle...a whip and some dildos and a jack rabbit...pretty common stuff...thought there would be some other fun stuff inside'' Lauren just sighs and looks at the stuff ''so what ? i gotta use these on myself to see how it is to be able to sell them better ? how does that work ?'' ''Well duh, a lot of people want recommendations on what they are buying silly so you gotta know which ones to recommend and you said you would go along with it'' ''I guess i did...'' ''then cheer up!'' Claire giggles and gets out the handcuffs and quickly puts them on Lauren's hands ''Yay! now we just remove those silly clothes'' she giggles as she starts to remove Lauren's skirt, thighs and her panties ''N-no wait now! i dont wanna do it now!'' Claire keeps giggling and drags Lauren to the bedroom and pushes her down on the bed Lauren looks at her as she holds up a pink dildo and giggles loudly ''Either i do it, and that might hurt or you be a big girl and do it on yourself'' ''Eh...my hands are kinda tied though'' Lauren sighs and Claire goes and unlocks them ''there we go, now your hands are free again, yay!'' Lauren just sighs as Claire throws the dildo at her ''i told you, go with it, ins't it kinda fun to see how the other side might feel ? i know you're excited and i know you sorta like it because if you weren't id known'' Lauren sighs but she is kinda right and she did decide to go along with it and the pay is kinda good ''fine fine so what do i do ?'' Claire giggles and hands her some lube ''put some on your toy and around your cute little virgin lips'' ''....how can you even say that with that face'' Lauren sighs but does as told ''And now you gently push it inside there and experience pure joy'' Lauren sighs and spreads her legs a bit and slowly pushes the toy inside her womanhood ''...'' Lauren slowly pulls it back out and in again a bit deeper this time as she experiences a tingling sensation all over her ''Ah...ngh...'' Claire looks on and giggles as Lauren just keeps going a bit faster ''Ahhh...my god....ngh....aaa....'' Claire smiles and grabs the dildo from her and starts helping her a bit out ''Now, close your eyes and just let your imagination run wild princess'' Lauren nods at her and does as told as Claire starts working it on her As she goes on Lauren moans loudly as Claire just keeps going for what seems like forever As Lauren lies their in intense emotional pleasure she can feel her body exploding in joy as she climaxes ''oh my god! i made you climax! your first climax! Yay! How was it ?'' Lauren just lies down on the bed and looks up at the celing ''A---Amazing....'' Claire giggles and puts it away and sits down next to her on the bed ''Awww so cute, you liked it, i knew you would so this isn't so bad now is it ? you get to experience that as much as you want and you have looked at yourself right ? you look adorable, really cute so i'm going to do something you will thank me for'' Lauren sits up and looks at her as Claire gets out of the bed and picks up a small bottle from her purse and shows it to Lauren ''You know what this is right ? this is the reverse potion but lookie here'' she smiles and gets out another bottle ''one changes you back, Another is a surprise but here is the catch, if you wanna go back there might not be a way to go back again since its kinda weird'' ''Okay...so what is the other on then ?'' ''Oh ? so you're not just going to take the reverse one ?'' Lauren says nothing but just keeps looking at her ''Well then my little princess cutie girl, this potion is a surprise but i know you dont like surprises so should i tell you?'' ''Yes, do tell me Claire for reals'' ''i will tell you if you undress right now!'' ''....'' Lauren sighs but removes her shirt and bra and sits on the bed naked and looks at Claire ''Awww, so cute! but okay then princess, this potion is the best thing ever, i know because i used it on myself'' ''So what does it do?'' ''Well, this potion...enhances your...hmm...well it enhances your inner femininity'' ''Which means...?'' ''Well, it wont make you a bimbo, but it will alter some of the way you talk, maybe your way of thinking a bit and make those feelings you just had more intense'' ''So...it will make me more into a woman?'' ''Well yes and no because as you know, every woman is different just like every man is different so i wouldn't know'' ''But here is the thing princess, Do you want to go back or do you want to go all the way ? do you want to be Lauren, work in the store, live as a woman ? dresses ? make-up ? shoes ?`clothes ? that way of life?'' ''Now you're generalizing'' Lauren smiles at Claire ''oh wow, i actually am'' Claire giggles ''But you're literally asking me to go on with this or go back ?'' ''Sorta yes, but i guess its up to you'' Lauren looks at the potions and both seem...tempting, Laurens life before was never bad, she had a big social circle, lots of good friends...just some trouble finding a job but nothing bad and she had never had thoughts about things like these before but on the other hand.... ''or should i make it interesting ?'' Claire grins and walks out of the room and returns back with two cups filled with something ''which one contains what ? so exciting'' ''So i just get to pick one ?'' ''Mhm! super exciting yay! right ?!'' Lauren looks at Claire and gets out of the bed and catches a quick glimpse of herself in the mirror ''Huh...'' walks over to Claire and looks at her ''i just noticed im actually taller than you now, tiny!'' ''whatever but i pick this one'' takes the cup in her right hand and drinks it it has a strange taste to it, kinda like...a lot of mixed drinks ''you drank it! yay! congratulations Lauren, what you picked waaasssss'' Before Claire continues Lauren looks at her ''it was the same in each cup right ?'' ''H-huh ? nuhuh!'' ''Right....you're lying'' Claire giggles and pokes Lauren's nose ''How did you know?'' ''....i dont know...'' ''Womens intuition ?'' Claire giggles as Lauren walks back to the bed and gets dressed ''i guess so...i guess so...'' ''So you knew, but you still did it...'' Claire looks at her not really sure what to say ''you didnt think i would do it ?'' ''Honestly ? no..not really that was kinda the reason i was joking around...there is no way back now but...you seem...content'' ''i dont know really what to think'' ''Does it matter ?'' Lauren looks at her and smiles Claire smiles and nods ''i guess not...Lauren'' Lauren smiles and sits down on the bed ''So...like...what now?'' Claire shrugs ''i dont know...but...now that i know you wont change back...hmmm'' she giggles ''Wanna make out then?'' Claire looks at Lauren ''i thought you wanted a boyfriend and so on'' ''its for fun, dont have to be serious'' Lauren shrugs and walks kinda seductively over to Claire and wraps her arms around her and looks her in the eyes ''its already working that fast...but you are cute and adorable so i think im going to engage in some debauchery then'' Claire and Lauren smile at each other as Claire wraps her arms around Lauren as they start to make out on the bed Two days later Lauren shows up at the store which has just opened up as Cassandra welcomes her ''Hey there you are!'' ''Sorry, had a bit trouble finding the way'' Lauren giggles ''and look at you, you look fantastic, i guess this means...'' Lauren nods at her ''Lauren full time now, and living every day to the fullest, i'm really enjoying it, a whole new world has opened up'' ''Claire even took me shopping and i bought more than her'' Lauren giggles as Cassandra hugs her ''Awww, i'm proud of you Lauren and i'm so happy for you'' Lauren smiles as Cassandra shows her around the shop and teaches her to use the cashier as they both smile at each other ''So, for the first day im going to be here as well so lets hope for some customers! oh and did you...?`'' ''i tried them all'' Lauren giggles ''they work perfectly and they feel amazing!'' ''Great to hear! this is the start of something new and something good Lauren'' Lauren nods as the doors opens up for the customer and the first workday in her new life is about to start. Whats going to happen in the future ? who knows but maybe we will find out.....sometime.

[peridipshit]

EDIT: IDK HOW TO MAKE A READMORE ON MOBILE SORRY FOR A WALL

hey hey guys ive been super inactive and theres a reason for that and that reason finally worked out and i cannot fucking begin to explain how good it is ghjklljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjklhgfhjkl

read more for a super lengthy overshare of angst and ecstasy

i kno w its fuckin long, its not for anybody but myself bc ye i have adhd myself and dont know how to read sh i t and dont expect anybody to have the patience for this

so, if i start at the beginning, ive had, the hardest period of my life starting around fall 2016. ive been in community college for about 4 years now, and i dont want to list all of the things ive done because it wouldnt reflect the mental emotional and physical exhaustion ive put myself through for all of this work. and all this time i thought it would amount to nothing because a lot of what i was supposed to be doing was pushed away out of fear. i filled up my time with a million impressive things that i genuinely loved and enjoyed, but knew it wasnt the actual work to get into the universities i was so desperate for. i pushed,, all my applications to the week or day before the due date. i had to give up three out of seven universities because of the deadline pressures. 

but my main school, the one that i returned to as the ideal place, but a laughable pipe dream, was the one i worked the absolute hardest for

i needed to do two different applications with a total of uh, 8 or 9 essays? the first round of 5ish essays i submitted the day before, and then the second application, i started the week before and completed the essays and storyboard, and hit the submit button 2 minutes before the deadline. i had two winter semester classes (which both kept me under a no-sleep schedule) and i juggled the application work by night. i ended up with like 3 total hours of sleep in that week. i almost gave up like three times but i remember crying after finding this song which coincidentally reflects the acceptance into the university im now somehow attending. it was the moment to myself that i decided i wanted to push through and grow up

the third round where i almost gave up was when my professor couldnt recieve my emails and i had no other way to contact him during the winter. i came to his office the week school started in spring with a deadline of three days to get my letter completed, and he submitted it an hour and a half before the deadline. i spent that weekend convinced i would just take another year at community college and at home and prepare myself more. i cried after checking my phone when i was walking out of Black Panther because he hadnt submitted it with less than two hours left before my application would have been thrown out. he submitted once i got into the car and refreshed the tab

last month i got an interview with the school of my dreams. i looked up the real statistics and they choose 30 transfer applicants for interview and accept 15. that moment was a rush of disbelief and brief sobbing as i realized that maybe im not crazy and not stupid and maybe just doing good things

that was the longest week of my life, but it wasnt a nervous thing at all. i knew i could nail an interview, it just was practicing. i spent each car ride to school talking to myself for 30 minutes. 

i literally could not have done anything as amazingly as i did in that interview without my friend’s help (hey dude), i was literally hearing that skype notification and have never had my heart pound as hard in my life. two seconds thinking about my friends and everything theyve done for me was like, a reminder that ppl care and have my back and istg that power of friendship anime bs is real my dudes and i couldnt ask for better people in my life 

i rocked it like some kind of word virtuoso person and waited a month for a notification

limbo is wierd

i spent so long knowing i was so, close, but not in a place to celebrate

the day i found out was Of Course as wild as it was, where i was having a panic attack out of everything in the morning that accumulated, i was like near crying in class because the prof was kinda yelling at me and i almost lost my project and had to run about a mile in heels to look for it and i was being hit on by a guy twice my age and i had 2 hours of sleep

but????????? i got into ucIa in their theater film and television school, which is harder than any ivy league school. me and 14 other transfer students. 92 total undergrads in that entire film school. ill be nineteen into my junior year. ill be at the heart of the industry going into animation and able to do practically anything. 

a n d i learned that not only my tuition room and board will be covered, but likely a ridiculous amount beyond that too.

i just. got to a point in my life last year that i knew that i was setting myself up for failure and i thought that if i wasnt improving i was failing and so i put so much onto myself in terms of working that i literally had no time for myself. no time for anything leisurely and no time for shows or movies or games or even friends. the only thing i felt like was my escape was cosplay and i still had that shamed by my family for wasting money and time. i of course had many moments and opportunities to do a few things that i regard very fondly, but overall i had no time to genuinely reflect on the damage that everything had caused. it felt like i had no time to cry ultimately, like some kind of hamster wheel of responsibility and fear. im still recovering now, and i want to be better. i want to do my best for myself and everyone around me. and i want to become someone that can be healthy and be myself. and yknow what im pretty damn proud of where im already at right now 

trying hard to keep coherency but i gotta wake up at 5 for an 8am class tomorrow so this is a lil rushed. its probably corny as hecc, but hell i feel just ok for a second and thats nice. i would never have gotten here with the support around me and like, my friends and family have done so much for me and i could write ten of these rambles on each one of you. you care about me and i care about you guys beyond anything these words can express. (*cough*quinn keira kevin cece*cough* not to say everyone else i know hasnt impacted me because gOd so many lives have done so much for me, i just, hey, love yall) 

my life is finally feeling like something big, ive never believed in the destined for greatness thing, ive just felt Capable of greatness and afraid beyond words of wasting it. and i want to be great for me, i want to be great to others, and i want to be great to the big picture. 

just, holy fuck i love you guys so much and thank you 

things are finally looking ok and i would repay you guys back in to the fullest extent of my hearts adoration and appreciation

[btspremiumtrash]

Cirque de Bangtan (j.jk x p.jm) part 2

⇓ Ship: Jeongguk x Jimin

⇓ Genre: Series, Non-idol! AU, Enemies to Lovers, Supernatural AU, Circus AU, Eventual Smut

⇓ Summary: Jeongguk recently moved from Busan to big city Seoul. His parents kicked him out. Something about “You’re 22 and still living with your parents. Get the hell out and get a damn job!”

He couldn’t hear them as he was two steps ahead of them by packing up his bags and slamming the door in their faces. Every interview he got, he never heard back from them. Most of his days were spent just trying to find somewhere to rest his head and drown his sorrows. Life is hard when things aren’t spoon-fed to you as Jeongguk comes to realize.

Now he’s all by his lonesome. Luckily for him, he finds a flyer. A potential job. A circus job yes, but he was desperate for any sort of payment. Little did he know, life as he knew it was about to get a whole lot more interesting... Werewolves. Vampires. Clowns. Not even God could prepare Jeongguk for the complete turnaround on his once normal lifestyle.

⇓ Word ct.: 3.9k

⇓ Warnings: cussing, pg-13

⇓ Chapter 1

Masterlist

Jeongguk was woken up by his alarm he set for himself at an ungodly—6:00 pm—hour. He wanted to get a head start for the new job that he had to be there for at 8:00 pm for his first opening performance. 

His new job. 

Those three words were still new to him. He couldn’t believe that in a few hours, he would be working his first shift. Doing something he was already doing, granted. But baby steps. Now he was getting paid real money. Or so he hoped. 

With newfound motivation in his steps, he cleaned himself up, parted his hair to the side, put on some black tight-fitting jeans along with a black graphic T-shirt, and was on his way out the door. He greeted the very nice and cute receptionist, Lalisa, on his way out. Her auburn bangs covered her luscious eyebrows while the rest of her hair was in a professional bun. 

Lisa, as he likes to call her, was Jeongguk’s first friend outside of the ones his father forced him to keep in touch with. Big names like Kim Jennie and Mark Lee whose families worked together with the Jeons, hence why they wanted their kids to stay in touch if something were to ever happen to their successful businesses. It was always business first and family second with big names like theirs. 

But Lisa was different. She was a foreigner. Her family started this hotel business when they got to Korea and prided themselves on bringing their Thai traditions of hospitality to Seoul and many other parts of South Korea. She grew up in the hospitality business and therefore knew how to comfort a lost soul like Jeongguk’s. She was the first person he ever spoke to that didn’t know about him, his name, his family, anything like that, and therefore he began to enlighten her about himself. It didn’t hurt his pride because, at that point in his life, he didn’t have any pride left. 

“You look like you’ve got somewhere to be, huh?” She grinned. 

Jeongguk stopped and walked up to her desk, giving her the same closed smile she cast his way. “Yeah. I finally got a job! Can you believe it?” 

Shaking her head, she shrugged. “Can’t say that I do, Mr. Jeon, but if you say so...” She dragged until an idea came to mind. “Where do you work? Maybe I can end my shift early and drive you there if you want.” 

Jeongguk froze. He didn’t want Lisa to find out he worked at a circus. His pride was finally kicking off and having Lisa drive him to his job would only knock it right back down again. He couldn’t afford that. Maybe some other time when he sees just how well they pay him. But he had to make up some sort of excuse that she would buy. 

He shook his head. “Oh, I don’t think you have to drive me there. It’s only a fifteen-minute walk from here. I think I can manage. Thank you though.” 

“Of course! Just be back here at a reasonable time tonight. Clients were a little upset to hear you and whatever company you brought over outside their door at 1 am. I don’t feel like vouching for you again.” 

Company? Jeongguk remembered that Jimin walked him home the other night, and not out of the kindness of his heart. He wondered if Jimin even had a heart with the way he argued to Jimin about having a hotel being his permanent residence instead of an actual apartment. He kept rambling on about his poor life decisions as if he knew the shit he went through. He didn’t know a damn thing. He slammed the door on his face when he heard enough. Note to self: Don’t force Park Jimin to take you home. 

“This is where you live?” 

They just arrived at Jeongguk’s hotel room. Odd, Jeongguk thought since he quite vividly remembers Jimin saying that once they get to his block, he’s going home. Now he was standing right outside his place. Great. Maybe he won’t try and murder him in his sleep if he fucks up a performance, Jeongguk hoped. Despite the mental image of Jimin using a knife to slit his throat and laughing manically, Jeongguk still kept a level head. Getting the keycard out of his pocket, Jeongguk nonchalantly said, “It is. Problem?” 

“Uh, yeah.” Jimin scoffed. “Why the fuck do you not live in an apartment like every other sane person?” 

Jeongguk turned his attention toward the older man. He looked him up and down to see if he was seriously judging his lifestyle right now and sure enough, based on how deadly serious he looked, he wasn’t joking. “Who the fuck are you to judge?” 

“Aren’t you a Jeon? You couldn’t have gone for a penthouse—” 

Oh no. He played the family name card. Wrong move. Jeongguk pushed Jimin to the nearby wall and pinned him there. “Listen here, asshole. Yes, I’m a fucking Jeon. I’m Jeon Jeongguk. And I bought this hotel room because I didn’t feel like putting an even bigger dent in my pocket than I already have. But don’t think that because of my last name that I’m loaded. I wouldn’t need this stupid fucking job anyway—” 

Jimin heard just about enough. Before he could insult his job, Jimin pushed Jeongguk back to his door, making a loud thud sound. Probably the noise the neighbors were complaining about to Lisa. Growling, Jimin locked eyes with the younger man—who was, unfortunately, taller than him and therefore had to look up to see him but that didn’t stop the sheer dominance he radiated off his body—and said, “Choose your next words very carefully, little one. I see now why your parents set you free on your own, brat. Now before I do something I may regret, I’m going to say this once and only once: Insult the circus or anyone working in Cirque de Bangtan, I will make your life even worse than it already is. You may have money, but I have claws. And trust me, they work a hell of a lot better than money.” 

Jimin lets go of Jeongguk, who could hardly breathe even after being let go of. He’s gotten death threats on Overwatch before. But nothing like this. And no one like him. He was truly terrified. He dared ask what he meant by claws. Real claws? No way, werewolves don’t exist. But could they? He’s starting to think that they could. 

Regardless, Jeongguk mustered up whatever courage he had left to let himself in his hotel room, slamming the door shut in fear that Jimin would try something. But to his surprise, Jimin didn’t kick down his door and slit his throat. Instead, he sighed and said, “Don’t be late tomorrow night. You’ve got the 8-10 shift.” 

Jeongguk didn’t reply, too afraid that his voice might reflect how scared he was. He heard Jimin’s footsteps echoing down the hallway back to the elevator. Finally, he was gone. He breathed a sigh of relief. 

There’s no way he signed up for this kind of job, right? It's not even Day 1 and he’s already gotten a death threat from his coworker. He felt a lump grow in his throat as he struggled to swallow it down. How the hell was he supposed to work with these people? He’s nothing like them. 

The fight that he and Jimin had made Jeongguk go to bed a little earlier than he would’ve liked to. He needed his wet dreams about Lee Jieun. Only they would make up for the shitty night he had. And lucky they did. Otherwise, he would’ve never had the determination to go back to that circus job. 

After reliving that horrible night in his head, he returned to planet Earth to give Lisa reassurance that he would never come home with Park Jimin ever again. “Yes ma’am.” He waved her goodbye as he left the hotel. 

“Good.” 

-- 

“Nice work, Jimin. You need some water?” Jimin’s best friend, Kim Taehyung, the clairvoyant vampire, asked him as Jimin came back from his performance of jumping through rings of fire in his wolf form. He nodded, to which Taehyung handed him a cold one from underneath his table.  

The thrill of the crowd could be heard from possibly miles away and that wasn’t just because of Taehyung’s supernatural ability to hear even the slightest sound was exaggerating it. Jimin’s performance was arguably the one that brought in the most money for Cirque de Bangtan. No one questioned the existence of a werewolf. They’ve read enough Twilight to accept that they do exist. The only person who doesn’t know because he—along with his also sheltered friends—was shielded from these kinds of creatures is Jeongguk. 

Taehyung’s shift already ended about thirty minutes ago when he predicted the futures of possibly ten people. That’s ten more people than the previous night, so there’s progress there. Were they right? Only the future (and Taehyung) knows for sure. Sometimes he told them what they wanted to hear. Other times he would tell the truth only if it was beneficial to them. And still, he found that he was paid more whenever he lied. Humans are so weird. Glad he was never one of them. 

Jimin looked at his phone. Seven o’clock. Newbie’s shift would be starting soon. Only one problem: he didn’t smell Jeongguk anywhere. Meaning that either he got cold feet and quit his job before he could even arrive. Or he got mobbed by rogue wolves. He prayed for the former since Namjoon would kill him otherwise for not making sure he was safe. It was Namjoon’s voice at the back of his head that stopped Jimin from busting Jeongguk’s door open and teaching that brat some respect last night. And it’s currently that same man’s voice telling him to go look for him. I fucking hate you, Kim Namjoon. Get out of my goddamn head already. 

“Worried about a certain someone?” Taehyung prodded. Of course, he knew the answer to this due to his clairvoyance. But it never hurt to ask. 

He growled in irritation, appalled that Taehyung would even suggest that he was worried about that stubborn brat. “No. I’m worried about myself being ripped to shreds by a certain someone because I didn’t do my job.” 

Crossing his arms, Taehyung felt like being a bit more a bother to his friend than usual. So, he kept poking at the wolf. “Really? Seems to me like you are.” 

“Now isn’t the time for jokes, Tae. You do know that—” 

“Ko Ko Bop is in town? Or to be more specific will be in town? They aren’t here now, but they will be in due time. I’m thinking in about two weeks. Care to bet with me?” 

It’s always a game with someone like Taehyung. He knows the outcomes, so why even bother with being serious. He told Seokjin and Namjoon yesterday about the predictions, but he left out the future tense of will be, which prompted Namjoon to recruit Jeongguk quicker than he would’ve liked. Namjoon would’ve liked for Jeongguk to find out about Cirque de Bangtan the natural way of just stumbling upon it or a friend bringing him here and him liking it so much that he would end up working for them. Not end up hearing about it via a flyer. But no matter because Jeongguk had accepted. Now it was a matter of time until they would become the number one circus in the whole world as they so rightfully deserve. 

Jimin huffed at the mischievous vampire, giving into his gambling. He doesn’t know why he indulges in this behavior. But he does know that no other member could handle it. Hence why he and Taehyung make a great duo.  “I’d say a week.” 

“Good. And what does the winner get?” 

“A get-out-of-jail-free card.” 

Taehyung rolled his eyes in boredom. “Come on, man. You can’t be serious.” 

Jimin crossed his arms, a smile playing across his face. “Oh, but I am. You never know when you need someone to bail you out. What if you accidentally kill someone from drinking too much from them? Then what? Who else is gonna put up with you? Because let me tell you, that’s a full-time job, mister.” 

Taehyung gasped in shock and put a hand to his heart to display—dramatically—how hurt he was that Jimin would say that. “How dare you! I have not overdrunk in years! I know how to control myself, unlike some people...” 

Jimin scoffed. “And what are you implying?” 

“Oh, don’t think I forgot about how hungry you were that you got rid of the last recruit before he made it to the door,” Taehyung sassed. “Let’s hope this recruit will be able to perform before you sink your teeth into him, hmm?” 

And at the mention of the recruit, Jimin finally caught his scent. It was hard to miss. Did he put on cologne? His scent was usually softer than what he was smelled of. Whatever. He was here now, meaning he hadn’t gotten mauled by wolves and Jimin can live another night. 

Noticing that Jimin didn’t hit him with another snarky remark, he knew that he had other things on his mind, making the vampire smirk. He put a hand on his friend’s shoulder, prompting him to leave his tent. “Go get ‘em, tiger.” 

Before Jimin could respond to him, he was pushed out of Taehyung’s tent and right into Jeongguk’s built chest. Fuck, was he that much taller than him? That’s a thought he had put to the side for now. While Jeongguk was apologizing profusely, Jimin couldn’t care less. Right now, he had to show Jeongguk to the performance tent where he would be putting on his first show. 

“Took you long enough, brat. Let’s get you ready. Follow me.” 

-- 

Jeongguk was led to a tent near the bigger one in the center by Jimin. It took him a few more minutes than expected to get to the circus. To be fair, if he didn’t see the big crowd that was leaving the circus, he would’ve lost his way there and miss his first performance and probably lose his job. He could’ve used his phone. If it wasn’t for the fact that he didn’t charge it while he was sleeping last night. Too freaked out by Jimin, he needed an ample amount of YouTube and Pornhub to get his mind off him and drift peacefully to sleep. But now here he was, right next to where his nightmares began. 

Jimin pushed Jeongguk inside the tent. “You have ten minutes to put on something in there. Don’t worry; we washed everything before you came today. When you’re done, come on out.” 

“Yessir,” Jeongguk exclaimed to Jimin. He looked around the tent and the many drawers and closets within. His eyes fell to the darker wooden closet. He opened it and found the outfit of the night. A black glittering tuxedo with dark purple stripes and a white dress shirt with black buttons. Oh yeah, this was an outfit for the one and only Jeon Jeongguk to rock. He even found shoes that fit him surprisingly well since he never told them his shoe size. Maybe they had another member that coincidentally had the same shoe size as him. That would have to be his best bet for now because Jimin was an impatient man. 

His back turned to the wall of the tent while humming to himself, he didn’t hear Jimin opening the flap to give Jeongguk a five-minute warning. Jimin caught the sight of Jeongguk’s bare toned golden back. He works out? Because goddamn does it show. It was only a glimpse but Jimin so desperately wishes he had the power to reverse time to see it again and again. Or perhaps the power to stop time altogether and snap a picture for his pleasure. 

Wait a sec. 

His pleasure? 

No way. 

There’s no way he’s falling for this brat. He would kill himself twice if that was the case. He ducked out before Jeongguk turned back around. Maybe his wolf is acting up because his heat is coming soon. He hated it so much because he would have to take the whole week off so that he wouldn’t kill the customers. He didn’t like leaving the circus since his performance draws in the most attention and therefore the most money. But alas, he can’t control his wolf during times like those, so he was helpless to change that fact. It’s moments like these that make him regret becoming this hairy creature. 

Meanwhile, Jeongguk put on the finishing piece of a sparkling purple bow tie and matching top hat. He looked like a circus freak. Like one of those ringleaders, he thought. Oh well, couldn’t get any more embarrassing from here on out. 

He went outside to greet Jimin, unaware of the peeping Tom and what he witnessed in the dressing tent. Jimin continued as if he didn’t see what he saw and felt whatever it was he did. Leading the boy to the back entrance of the main tent. The audience was chatting rather loudly, waiting for their next form of entertainment to grace their presence. In that domineering voice that made Jeongguk shrink into his shoes, he leaned forward to Jeongguk’s ear. “Don’t mess this up, little one.” 

Somehow, Jeongguk was able to respond to Jimin despite the tone of voice Jimin spoke to him with that would usually render him speechless. In fact, with that same cockiness that he was born and raised with. “Wasn’t planning on it.” 

Jeongguk stepped into the tent, silencing the crowd. Immediately, the speakers blared with a voice that resembled that of that Kim Seokjin fellow he remembered meeting yesterday. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our newest member of Cirque de Bangtan, The Top Hat Singer!” 

The Top Hat Singer? Why that name of all names for him? Whatever. He’ll have to change his stage name eventually. For now, he needed to provide to the audience the “Singer” part of his newfound name. And boy, did he intend to. 

The lights went out for a split second, only to return with all lights on Jeongguk. He gulped, realizing that singing in acapella would have to do for his first performance. He could’ve gotten away with just singing “FOOLS” again. But he wanted to prove that he was versatile enough to sing other songs. So, he went with “2U”. Based on how Seokjin was the announcer, he would surely be listening to his song. Maybe that could change his opinion on having a singer as a performer in a circus. If he was able to woo the crowd that was. 

But judging by how they were swaying along with his voice, he had a feeling that he was doing a better job than both he and Seokjin thought he would. It was Jimin however, who knew that the brat had a pair of good lungs on him and never doubted him for a second, hence why he lingered to listen to his voice for a few more minutes before he left. After all, he’s been watching him since the beginning. Although he still wishes that it was him up there singing a duet with the boy, he pushes those feelings aside, choosing instead to go back to his tent. His work for the day was done. Including his overtime with Jeongguk. 

When Jeongguk’s performance ended, the crowd was in an uproar, demanding an encore, despite Jeongguk singing nonstop song after song. He felted empowered. Like he could get used to this attention. He took his bow and picked up the flowers and money the audience threw his way. The speakers went off again with Kim Namjoon as the speaker this time. “As much as The Top Hat Singer would love to sing for you all for the rest of the night, the circus is closing soon. He will be back tomorrow and on behalf of Cirque de Bangtan, we hope you also return. Have a wonderful night, ladies and gentlemen.” 

It was almost sad to hear the audience sighs of disappointment, but the sound of them cheering for Jeongguk to continue drowned out all those negative feelings. This is the attention he needed. Not because of his family’s wealth or their talents. But because of his talents. Now that he had experienced it, there was no way he was letting this job go. 

“He’s hooked,” Seokjin pointed out to Namjoon. 

Namjoon looked at that light in Jeongguk’s eyes. He truly enjoyed his first performance. He inclined his head. “So, should we tell him?” 

Seokjin shrugged. “You’re the leader, Namjoon. It’s your call.” 

“Hmm...” Namjoon hummed to himself, trying to debate whether or not to drop the bomb on Jeongguk. Then he makes up his mind. “We tell him tomorrow night.” 

Seokjin exhaled like he was exhausted already. “Oh boy. I’ll need a bottle of soju. I can tell that he won’t take it well. With him being a Jeon and all.” 

They both laughed at each other, but quickly silencing themselves and leaving the tent when Jeongguk turned around to try and figure out where that laughter came from. He couldn’t find them, so he picked up his money and flowers and headed off to the dressing tent to change back his clothes. 

In the dressing tent, he was met by the card dealer of the group, Jeong Hoseok. Wearing a red shimmering suit with a black dress shirt and matching red shoes. He even had on shades despite it being pitch black out here. He looked Jeongguk up and down and cocked his head to the side. “Are you new here or something because I’ve never seen a face like yourself.” 

Jeongguk nodded. “Just did my first singing performance not too long ago.” 

“Ah, so that was your performance,” Hoseok said, taking off his shades. “Thought it was Jimin doing overtime. Only he could get the crowd that riled up. Glad to know that he has an equal. Maybe even his superior.” He winked at that last part which made Jeongguk’s cheeks flush a shade of red he never thought he could until now. 

Hoseok held a hand out for Jeongguk to shake. “Name’s Jeong Hoseok. I’m the card dealer and the opening performer for the circus.” 

Jeongguk shook his head, introducing himself as well. “Jeon Jeongguk... You might know my family based on my surname but I’m nothing like—” 

“Who?” 

Jeongguk’s train of thought stopped. He thought he would have to deal with another Jimin incident where he already knew about his family and used that as fuel to get Jeongguk fired up. Luckily, this was more of a Lisa situation where he knew nothing about the Jeons. He would take the latter over the former any day. So, instead of getting into his whole family history, he simply said, “Nevermind.” 

The tent was silent. Awkwardly silent. Jeongguk wanted to change his clothes in peace. It’s bad enough he barely knew these people. But it’s even worse for them to see parts of him that he rather stay hidden from their prying eyes. As if sensing Jeongguk’s awkwardness, Hoseok put his shades on the back of his head. “Alright, I’m gonna head out. Stay safe out there, kid. See you tomorrow.” 

“Yeah, you too,” Jeongguk said as Hoseok walked out. Finally, Jeongguk could undress without any unwanted attention on him. 

He dressed in his attire from earlier in the night when he first arrived and headed back to his hotel room. What a night tonight was. 

[ishqbaaaaz]

Ishqbaaaz - September 4 2017 - Episode 360

Happy Monday! I know there is no such thing but yay a new episode!

Starting off with Shivaay and Annika with some cuteness which is always good

They open the house and walk in

Its hella dusty she says dont worry ill clean up

LOL hes like no its ok ill call khanna 

and shes like lol why

Shivaay suddenly remembers

He turns on the panka and its slow so hes like nvm ill order a fan 

LOL “acha? kitne paise hai aap ke paas?”

Annika opens all the windows

LMAO “Fresh air! Hato, i need it”

Wah her hair is blowing in the wind

LOL

“I feel like the king of the world”

that was hilarious and cringe

THEYRE DOING THE THING

I REPEAT

THEYRE DOING THE THING

Not gonna lie I was hoping they would be doing a song sequence here when i saw the interview a few days ago OH WELL

THIS IS JUST AS ADORABLE

LOOK AT THEM 

GOODBYE MY FRIENDS IM IN  HEAVEN THIS SHIT IS SO CUTE

Now Rudra is ranting on about on he has seen gareebi

lol what

1 LAKH PER MONTH AS POCKET MONEY? WOH BHI KAAM LAG RAHA HAI??????????????

RICH BOY PROBLEMS

Bhavya is concerned

Shes like bitch you havent seen gareebi in any sense

He says he knows how to make money

shes like why are you freaking out lol

LOL SHE SAYS HE WONT BE ABLE TO MAKE MONEY

Bhavya is concerned lmao

She challenges him to make pachis hazzaaaaaaar

WITHOUT THE HELP OF HIS FAMILY AND FAMILY BUSINESS

My queen wants to make him a responsible man

OH BABY

She gives him 7 days

Back to Shivika 

Annika has daal and chawal in a bag and is like here ya go bby

Shivaay is confused af “bas yeh hi hai?”

hes like NO PROBLEM I CAN DO ANYTHING

Hes in the kitchen omg im dying this is amazing

no cook top

no microwave

LOL IM DYING Good luck Shivaay 

He kicks her out because hes gonna cook

Rikara! 

Wow look at my Queen

SHES SO DAMN LITTLE BUT LOOK AT HER DUM

Rudra is having a hard time

This friend hasnt been seen since almost a year ago when Malika was here dang

Hes....hes gonna...be a plumber..

Shivaay has food ready!

WHAT A NERD

GETTING A ROSE

OH WOW HE PUT IT IN HIS MOUTH

Awww put it in a glass on the table 

this shit is so cute

Annika is hella impressed

He eats it and its hella spicy

Shes giving him water 

LMAO SHES LIKE ITS SAFE

HE LOOKS SO CUTE I DIE

Theyre flashing back to the times they were in the house before

When she threw poncha pani on him

LOL SHES LIKE WOH DOOSRI BAAR THI

THE THIRD TIME HE RIPPED HIS PANTS

And now shes giving him water

I LOVE THIS MUSIC

Look at them I love them so much

Look at this slick boy scooching closer to her

THAT LITTLE GIGGLE ANNIKA DID WAS SO CUTE

Rudra says hes gonna fix the pipe

Ok so the servant sold the murti to some dangal person

This dude knows their dadaji

oh he hates him

Bhavya is laughing at Rudra because she thinks he wont be able to do it

Gauri is ROASTING this dude

Omi is telling Gauri to stop talking

he tells the dude he’ll pay twice as much

Gauri is PISSED

She is cooking them omg

She has so much confidence and jaan

Om pulls her back and tells her to stop

Hes like if they dont wanna give the murti then its ok

and Gauri says why, it’s important its your family’s

HE SAYS NOT AS MUCH AS YOU

OH MY GOD BYE

They start to leave and the dude stops them

he has a condition

Rudra is STRUGGLING

OH HE FIXED IT

Bhavya is so proud of him

The sharth is that Om has to wrestle his grandson

WOW HES HENCH

Omkara is like k we’re going to the cops

Wow he went on his dadaji

OMI IS CHEEZED

HES GONNA FIGHT NOW

Gauri is worried 

oh no

Rudra is asking for payment from dadi now

LOL DUS HAZAAR??? FOR PLUMBING??

She gave him 500

Bhavya is like lol u lost

Hes like it hasnt been 7 days chill

HE GAVE HER HIS FIRST KAMAI

LOL Gauri is like OMKARA JI R U OK

Shes trying to hard to get him to back out

She is having a right PANIC

Back to Shivika

Its night already? Here I was hoping we would see more of Shivaay struggling

Hes trying to sleep but hes having a hard time

Annika is awake on the floor and listening to him

He turns over and she gives him her pillow what a damn cutie

He notices the pillow 

NOW HES ON THE GROUND WITH HER

CUDDLING

I REPEAT

CUDDLING

HOW FUCKING CUTE ARE THEY UGHHH

Shes like you’ve changed so much

and hes like its all your fault

I DIE 

oh snap

PAANI COMING FROM THE CEILING

oh snap its raining

bring out the baltis!

shes positioning them around the house

She tells him she loves the sound of rain and the tip tip of it

POWER OUT

ANNIKA FREAKS OUT

so this is one of those times where she remembers shes afraid of the dark

hes lighting candles and she wont let go of him

hes like open your eyes now

OH SHIT BACK STORY AS TO WHY SHES AFRAID OF THE DARK

omg theyre mumbling so much wtf are they saying

ANNIKA ENUNCIATE

something about being the in the orphanage 

oh she used to get beat

MY POOR COOKIE

oh right she used to say “mathh maro mujhe” in the nightmares

BUT WHAT ABOUT CHUTKI?

SHIVAAY SAYS HES GONNA PROTECT HER FOREVER

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Look at these nerds I can NOT

Precap: Om is practicing on the servant

LMAO GAURI IS SO TURNED ON BY THIS LOOK AT HER

 Servant runs away and Omi is like how will i practice

GAURI VOLUNTEERS AS TRIBUTE

im so ready for tomorrow

[photolovecrash7]

Late night thinking after Podcast.

First of all I'd like to apologize from my spelling and grammar in advance I've been up a long time. Second of all I'm just bored so writing was helping me calm down. If you read this don't tare it apart, all of this information you can find online for yourself. I was just writing what I had in my head the last time I read up about these men. Hoping nothing is wrong but I didn't really say more then the basics. Just remembering from my earlier fascination. Now that I got that our of the way.

The biggest question on my mind lately has been, why am I so interested in serial killers. Maybe it’s their lack of empathy for a human life or maybe it’s because of how genius some of these killers are. One example I have been taken with is H.H. Holmes, know as the American first serial killer or some cases even from the early 2000. I know I can’t be a detective or a researcher on this but I just love to read about it. Some of my fascination lately have been

H.H homes- Americas first serial killer that we know of. Founder of the murder castle in Chicago. His story just really makes me want to dig into why such a smart man, with his IQ, with his college education would turn to such a dark life. To murder over 200 ( I’m pretty sure this is an exaggerations) people and not even blink about it when it’s brought up. Like wow. I think the thing that really fascinates me is the murder hotel or castles what ever you prefer to call it. To plan out such a place and not let anyone truly know what they are building must have been tough but also is almost genius. Being in the city of lots of immigrants his targets were easy. Offer them a place at the hotel or a job, ask the widows to put him on their insurance policy's so they could work for him and then they disappear conveniently. The dumb part is he would have never gotten caught at the point of his life if he had just paid his partner his share of the money from insurance fraud and the might not have been caught for a while. Not that I'm wishing for that, more as if to say he got caught for something so little compared to the deeds he was doing behind closed doors. His famous quote “I was born with the very devil in me, I could not help the fact that I was a murderer, no more than the poet can help the inspiration to song, nor the ambition of an intellectual man to be great. The inclination to murder came to me as naturally as the inspiration to do right comes to the majority of persons."

John Wayne Gacy Jr. - American serial killer and rapist. He sexually assaulted, tortured and murdered at least 33 teenaged boys and young men between 1972 and 1978 in Illinois. He scares me the most, I know I would have been safe since I’m a girl but he dressed up as a clown. A fucking clown named Pogo. His quote that I found on biography.com made me shutter. After he arrested and the police interviewed him he said that after his first murder he felt "totally drained", yet noted that he had experienced a mind-numbing orgasm after killing the boy. He added: "That's when I realized that death was the ultimate thrill” OOOKKKAAYYY GACY..

Richard Ramirez – Because of this guy I’m scared of walking in the dark sometimes. I used to love taking 3 am walks but not after reading about the “ Night stalker.” This dude killed 14 people and tortured even more. Im pretty sure only one of his victims escaped, but he killed her roommate in revenge. He started killing husband and wife’s in their own home. Usually in their late 40s to the oldest victim being 79 years old women who he also sexually assaulted. He was heavily influenced by his older brother who came back from Vietnam with pictures of women he tortured and killed there. Ramirez was also influenced by drugs. He was chatty, he had a lot to say. Here is one quote by him that made me stop and think. Are we all capable of killing?? “We've all got the power in our hands to kill, but most people are afraid to use it. The ones who aren't afraid, control life itself.”

Gary Ridgway- An American serial killer that maybe you haven’t heard about as much as the others. Maybe you have. He was charged with killing 48 women usually street workers or runaways but it is believed that he killed over 90. He would kill women and dump them into the woods and come back to he dead bodies and have intercours with them. Gross. One of his quotes “I'm a murderer, not a rapist.” Okay Gary doesn’t make it okay still. He picked the prostitutes and runaways because they are easy targets according to him. Some believe that it was also because of his father who was a bus driver who always complained about the street women walking around all the time near the bus. Maybe hearing that as a child gave him the inspiration or idea to turn to this life style.

Ted Bundy – Oh this is a fun one, obviously not actually fun but I can see how his looks made women be drawn to him, and being a charismatic probably didn’t help them to stay away from him. Before he died Ted confessed to at least 30 murders of women and girls. Probably a higher count then that. He approached them in a place surrounded by lots of people. He usually faked and injury or some kind of crisis until he gained their trust and took them to a different location where he killed them and used the bodies for intercourse. I really can’t even talk about him anymore. He was a terrible human being. Doing the things he did to some of these women just make me sick. In my opinion he got what he deserved with that chair. Some of these victims survived, and having to live of what they went through. One of the women has permanent damage from him coming into her place, beating her to the point of unconsciousness and sexually assaulting her with the same rod he beat with her with. This man was a sick. I had to do two quotes from him, because they both just freaked me out a lot. “We serial killers are your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere. And there will be more of your children dead tomorrow” and the second quote is “Society wants to believe it can identify evil people, or bad or harmful people, but it's not practical. There are no stereotypes.”

Both of those quotes are so true, we don’t know who is evil, who is a psychopath, who is a serial killer. It could be anyone, anywhere, It could be like the Uber driver in Kalamazoo Michigan. Scares me to know I could step out my door and talk to 50 people and one of them could be a killer. We don’t know what could make someone snap, is it our attitudes, the way we chew our gum ( from the musical Chicago one of the women in jail) maybe we just gave them a funny look. I’d say be nice and kind to everyone but somebody could decide that they hate that you always smile. Anyway, as I said this has been fascinating me a lot recently so I just sat here tonight writing this out to pass the time. I also listened to Sword and Scale podcast. Pretty interesting but I’ll write about that another night.

[cloverwould-blog]

text meme: dealer's choice/ allllll of them

☮ for an apologetic text

here

⊙ for a reaction to your muse’s nudes text

sent→ leo ❤: mmmmm

sent→ leo ❤: i’m cramming for my econ final, but…tempting, tempting

sent→ leo ❤: fuck it. i’m on my way over

sent→ leo ❤: and i better not be able to walk tomorrow. that’s all i’m saying 😉

❋ for a hopeful text

sent→ L: you and heath are friends now?

sent→ L: since when did that shit happen

sent→ L: i guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other

unsent→ L: i hope so, at least.

☯ for an adoring text

sent→ leo ❤: you bought us tickets to the monet exhibit opening??

sent→ leo ❤: holy shit those were $400

sent→ leo ❤: how did you even afford those???

sent→ leo ❤: god i love you but please don’t go and spend your paychecks on shit like that without telling me

sent→ leo ❤: we could’ve gone dutch, you chivalrous jackass

ღ for a friend-crush text

sent→ leo ❤: sometimes i can’t even believe we’re together

sent→ leo ❤:  because you’re fucking brilliant and you’re beautiful and you’re the only person i know who can beat me in scrabble

sent→ leo ❤:  and monopoly, but i’m terrible at monopoly, so that’s not a feat

sent→ leo ❤: i love you

❤ for an affectionate text

here

✂ for a worried text about the receiver

sent→ L: where are you?

sent→ L: i saw you go off with aaron and you haven’t been back since

sent→ L: it’s dark and late. pick up your fucking phone

sent→ L: i’m calling palloma

☺ for a complimentary text

sent→ leo ❤: yeah i GUESS that was pretty brilliant of you

sent→ leo ❤: c’mon, darling, you already know you’re hot shit. you don’t need me to tell you

sent→ leo ❤: ( but just for the record: it was hot )

❂ for a text about another character: vera

sent→ L: you and vera?

sent→ L: please. i’m not jealous. down, boy

unsent→ L: i’m just…surprised. normally, she tells me shit like this, especially when she’s dating my ex.

sent→ L: i didn’t think she was your type. don’t you usually like women with a little more backbone?

✳ for a holiday text

sent→ L:  happy valentine’s day, jackass

sent→ L: you never wanted to celebrate when we were together but now that you’re with susie sunshine it’s time for a fucking parade, isn’t it?

sent→ L: use a fucking condom, at least

♆ for a sext

sent→ L:  i’m at ceberus and i’m drunk and i’m in the mood to make some very bad decisions

sent→ L: but enough talk

sent→ L: you liked my mouth best when it wasn’t used for talking, didn’t you?

sent→ L: i’ll be here all night. bored, alone, and very horny…

☼ for a joking text

sent→ leo ❤:  last time i checked, ‘pompous twat’ was a chronic disease in 37 countries

sent→ leo ❤: i’d get vaccinated soon, if i were you. 

sent→ leo ❤: you’re already showing symptoms: love of old movies, addiction to board games, horribly large vocabulary …

sent→ leo ❤: why, i’m afraid you’ve already progressed to stage 3 or 4!

↔ for a bitching text

here

♣ for a gossipy text

here

$ for a lying text

sent→ L: heath told me you texted him after i blacked out

unsent→ L: i…i wasn’t expecting you to still care

sent→ L: we aren’t together anymore. you don’t need to do that.

sent→ L: i moved on. you should too.

☆ for a longing text

unsent→ L: i miss you so much sometimes it feels like my heart hurts so much that i want to rip it out

unsent→ L: do you even think about me any

unsent→ L: are you even getting these messages or

unsent→ L: i wouldn’t blame you if you blocked this number.

unsent→ L: i love you.

sent→ L: good luck on your interview tomorrow.

sent→ L:  what? heath told me. i’m allowed to wish you luck, aren’t i?

♬ for a fangirl/boy gushing text

sent→ leo ❤: sofia coppola? she’s only the best female director still living, nbd

sent→ leo ❤: so lemme get this straight: you’ve seen kill bill volume 2 but not the virgin suicides…okay … sounds fake but okay….

sent→ leo ❤: we’re having a movie night. a real movie night. not a netflix-and-chill night

sent→ leo ❤: complete works of sofia coppola let’s go right here right now

★ for a dumb meme or inside joke text

sent→ leo ❤:  [ image downloading … ]

sent→ leo ❤: [ kill bill sirens ]

sent→ leo ❤:  look you don’t HAVE to meet my parents. they’re kinda jackasses, tbh.

sent→ leo ❤: and whether or not they like you could not matter less to me

sent→ leo ❤:  ….okay that might’ve been harsh. but really. i don’t give a fuck.

sent→ leo ❤: but if you still want to they’re throwing a charity gala on the beach for cancer research. 8 pm on saturday. if you’re my date, you get in free.

♘ for a questioning text

sent→ L:  how did you find out about that?

sent→ L:  really, how did you know? did preston tell you?

sent→ L:  look it was a one-time thing and no one got hurt who didn’t deserve it.

sent→ L: …. yeah, that includes me. why do you even care?

♬ for a music rec or lyric text

sent→ leo ❤: i’m listening to the beatles right now and i know they aren’t your thing (& tbh i don’t blame you, they’re pretty overrated) but ‘revolution’ is pretty killer

sent→ leo ❤: [ link downloading … ]

sent→ leo ❤: here’s that rooftop concert dorian was telling me about

sent→ leo ❤: i hate to say it but…i’m pretty impressed

☽ for a sleepy text

sent→ leo ❤:  ti’s 2 an im druunk and i love you

sent→ leo ❤: why arnt u here ?? i miss u

sent→ leo ❤:  im all alone andd i miss u

sent→ leo ❤:  ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

☢ for a snarky text

sent→ L:  yeah. because you’re clearly a saint.

sent→ L: tell me again what you did to vera’s last boyfriend?

sent→ L: don’t play the hero, you twat. you’re just as much of a fuck up as i am.