#i have already had it confirmed that 2 of my friends breakups were bc of me and gregg

[alliswyattonthewesternfront]

being in a healthy relationship is cool because your friends see you express the same level of love and attraction toward your partner over 6 years without waning, see all the small and considerate ways the two of you express your love and take care of each other, and slowly start to realize how miserable they are with their terrible boyfriend you've always kind of hated. then the problem just takes care of itself.

[idontego]

We Should Make Up | Kaji x Reader

Summary: This is kind of a part 2 to the break up headcannon i wrote. Kaji sees you entering a bar and can’t help but seek you out and try to make amends with you after your breakup.

A/n: This was so rushed bc i have somehwere to be so i will more than likely go back and make adjustments to this! Let me know what you think! ALSO TOMORROW’S EPISODE WE GET TO SEE OUR MAN AGAIN IM SOOOO EXCITED!!!!🤍

Warnings: breakups, alcohol, suggestive toxic relationship habits, co-dependency, swearing

It was out of the norm for you to go out, and by go out i mean bar hopping, drinking in public places with your friends or worse- strangers. It had been a few months since you and Kaji split up and as much as you didn’t want to, your friends finally convinced you to go out with them. You wanted to hurl at the idea of Kaji finding out about you going out and even worse, drinking on top of it. It was one thing that he would be upset over, strictly because he always felt the need to watch you and be with you out in public only to protect you and it was another thing, because he imagined how easily you could be taken advantage of if you were intoxicated. Just the thought of these things could easily set him off.

You entered the bar wearing a black mini dress with a corset top, squeezing your rib cage and extenuating your breasts and a regular pair of heels that were semi comfortable, nothing over the top. You didn’t know where this night would end but your friends were sure they’d help you make the most of it.

Meanwhile, Kaji sat in his room preparing to patrol and do his almost daily routine of also checking up on you from afar-watching. He was walking down the same street you were on and was concentrating on individuals around him-scanning the area for any threats, and that’s when he saw you. His eyes immediately widened and his jaw dropped almost to the floor as his lollipop hit the ground. He was shocked seeing you in such close proximity to him and you were wearing that?! And you were here?! But you looked so good, so tempting. His eyes examined your figure until he shook his head and ripped open another lollipop wrapper, tossing it in his mouth. His face of shock quickly turned into anger. He looked left, right, and left again to see if anyone he knew was about to see him enter the same building you were in. Kaji did not go out, ever. He didnt like the people, didnt like the setting, didnt like the idea of sweaty shit faced people rubbing up so close to each other, especially you.

His eyes met yours amongst the crowd- if looks could kill, he would be the embodiment of it. You’ve never seen him glare this hard before. Or at least not at you. “Oh shit.” You mumbled under your breath. You swiftly turned your head around in the opposite direction, which was a sad attempt at playing off seeing him-hoping he didn’t recognize you.

To only make matters worse, when you turned around, you bumped into a guy’s chest causing him to spill his drink. “I’m so sorry. Oh my gosh.” You apologized.

“No worries! I’ll just get another one. Why don’t you come with me to get something for yourself as well.” He said with a big grin on his face.

“Uh, sure!” You replied following him. Could this be your escape from Kaji’s glare? Did he lose you in the crowd by now?

You approached the bar and waited on your drinks when you heard a gruff voice behind you and their body heat against your back. “Hey!” Kaji said with the same glare on his face.

“She has a boyfriend ya’ know.” He proceeded

“Oh, really?” The guy questioned.

“She does.” Kaji confirms. Kaji already made his point very clear to this man and you and his stance and the look on face had ‘do not fuck with me’ written all over it.

You closed your eyes in an attempt to disappear but this was actually happening.

“I dont actually.” You blurted out. “In fact-“ Kaji cut you off grabbing your waist and leading you out side of the bar.

“What the hell are you doing her-“

“Did you really think finding some random drunk guy here would solve all of your problems? What were you thinking? Did he try to get with you?”

“Kaji, that’s not what i was hoping would happen. The girls wanted me to go out with them just for tonight because I’ve declined every other time because it still just didn’t feel right to do something like this even though we aren’t together. You know just as much as i do that i never liked going out or drinking.”

“This dress looks really good on you by the way. It’s a shame i never got to see you in it til’ now.” He said rolling his eyes and completely disregarding what you said.

You blushed at his compliment and your heart began to flutter again. Gosh.. why does he have to have this effect on you. “Kaji, we need to talk.” You said, looking at the ground.

He lifted up your chin, so you’d look him in the eyes for what he was about to say. “I agreeI just want to start off by saying that you don’t know how hard these past few months have been for me. Losing you was one of the hardest things for me. I didn’t know how to cope. My friends tried to help me, but i pushed them away. Everythin’ everyday made me think of you and i was completely consumed with the idea that you were gone for good. I was obsessed with the thought of why we ended things the way we did and I felt like i couldn’t protect you as much as I’d like which drove me even more crazy. I lashed out on anyone that we’d get in fights with-exceeding my limits and going over board because i wanted to make sure people like them never got a hold of you. There’s so much more but i-“

You cut him off with a kiss and your eyes were filled with tears. You had the most intense feeling of regret and sorrow for him and also the mourning of your relationship. You wanted him back. You needed him just as much as he needed you. You wanted to make things right. He rested his hands on either side of your waist and you kissed you back-matching your passion.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” You pulled away from the kiss wiping your tears.

“It’s fine. missed you, y’ know?”

“I can’t ever lose you again. I knew we’d come back tho.” You managed to smile and even let out a giggle while saying.

[charpository24]

My ex-partner found out I'm on Hinge.

I'm pretty freaked out about it. A lot led up to make me feel this way or think these thoughts, but earlier I was driving after walking out on my bible study group and a huge part of me wanted to wrap myself around the incoming lampposts or trees. Though I already texted my friend I'd be coming over.

So, I'm safe.

It's 11:36 pm so I don't really know how much detail I'm gonna get into or how sound I'm gonna be, but whatever. Here goes.

How did it all go down?

PART 1:

> show up to bible study

> two members come in, they're tense about something

> one of them is ex-partner's protective cousin and used to be my bff, heavy shit there

> atmosphere is kind of uncomfortable

> ex comes in

> conversation is happening, generally lighthearted but I'm internally freaking out cause he's avoiding eye contact and ignoring me

> I'm an anxious genius so of course I'm stewing.

> I finally just speak up and throw a "I'm sorry, I have to go"

> leave.

PART 2:

> I'm getting into my car and I saw that ex has run after me, door is open and he + cousin comes to check on me.

> TALK TLDR:

cousin:

- we're here for you

- how can we help

bf:

- wants to talk with me privately

PART 3:

> ex gets into car with me

> TALK TLDR:

- r u ok

- he's ok, some days good some days bad.

- he wasn't avoiding eye contact cause he hated me, just unsure what to do

- found out from someone that I was on hinge.

-> can't police me, ofc it threw him but he's worried I might continue my toxic relationship cycle again

- I explain I'm not looking for a relationship. Just did it cause I technically could.

- do you love me still? miss me?

- maybe there will be a second chance in the future? -> (I do not confirm this.)

- are you in anguish cause you regret breaking up with me and miss the relationship? -> no

- why? -> I feel like a horrible person (more on that later)

- can we hug? -> sigh

-> hug is long. there's something behind it. he loves me still and I can feel it.

PART 4:

> I ask if I can leave. I don't want to go back to the bible study group after exiting so abruptly.

> exits the car with another hug.

> impaired driving (CRYING)

> drive to bestie -> talk -> pet stupid dog -> fill gas -> profit

---

Here are some thoughts.

- I'm feeling quite suffocated living in... the lower mainland surrounded by people who've watched me grow up. People watch closely. Should I move away? How?

- I left my old church community. the news of the breakup is spreading like wildfire. I hate being perceived.

- extra anxious about exposure. Deleted hinge cause I know people are gonna spread shit.. news got to him so fucking fast. It really made me think of k*lling myself because I felt like I couldn't do anything

- first "adult"/mature relationship

- other exes gave me a reason to hate them, moved on fast

- i still love and care for him. he's a really really fucking good person.

- I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON

- ex is still in love with me. I can tell he still wants to continue the relationship. I don't deserve it.

- I hooked up with someone on Hinge (he doesn't know that... I wouldn't disclose it)

- he's been giving me so much grace given that I broke his heart and initiated the breakup.

- he wanted to get married and I'm sitting here being a hoe

- I've just made a mess of myself.

- He's sat through the worst mental health episodes I've had and loved me through it. Still does. I ended the relationship cause I'm selfish.

- our relationship started shortly after my previous one ended. people were quick to point out it was a rebound on my end. Funny how things turned out, I've broken his heart.

- I did all this to him. and he is genuinely the best natured and well-intentioned person I've met. It's insane to me how hard I fumbled the bag and there is so much fucking wrong with me and my mental state.

Here is the combined rebuttal of myself and bestie after talking:

- hinge

- still exploring. I broke up bc idk what I want, and by going on hinge im exploring

- I'm technically allowed to, + it's none of his business or his friends

- extra grace from my ex is something I should be thankful for so I have room to grow

- you have to 'like' the person + their company more than you love them to sustain a relationship forever

- near the end of the relationship, it looked like I was living and in it for him and not for myself to be happy with him (? if that makes sense)

- I tried really, really fucking hard to make it work

-> felt like something was wrong with me the whole fucking time. it's painful.

- still have to love yourself and put yourself first

-> who else will be there for you if not you first????????

-> priority avenue to explore over pouring all my love into a relationship and neglecting self

---

Anyway I summed it up in note form cause I have no fucking finesse. I'm tired and sad and feeling better, grounded and not trying to k*ll myself now.

Figuring out how to proceed without cutting every single tie I have.

The opinion I have on myself being a terrible person runs really deep. I'm not really proud of myself or my achievements or the things I worked hard for. The feelings of pride or happiness don't really register, and I don't have it in me to celebrate when others tell me to. Because of my mental health, lacklustre functioning, relationship issues and my struggle to maintain friendships, I genuinely felt like a curse on the earth. I really really thought and felt like it would be better off without me. I know it sounds dramatic as fuck but I can't tell you that the earth is better with me.

[mithliya]

you can just respond with "I can't answer" or something if this is too personal/deep for you to answer

how do I get over being cheated on? I was in a relationship with a boy for just over 2 years (both 16 now) and he broke up with me out of nowhere (on Oct 2) he claimed it was for "mental health" and he "needed space to find himself", but coke to find 2 weeks later he's already with another girl. the catch? he's with a girl that I made him block ON OUR 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY because she called him hot. I don't think it's a coincidence.

based on the timeline and other information (don't wanna make this too long), the logical conclusion is that he cheated on me. I'm struggling with insecurities about my body because she has much bigger boobs than I do, and I'm like a d cup anyway. he's the boy I had my first EVERYTHING with, so I feel super betrayed.

it's just so hard being mad constantly, especially at someone I used to care so much about. plus the girl is obviously trying to start shit so I blocked her, but it's shitty thinking about him getting with another girl like I meant nothing. especially since he claimed the breakup was because he "couldn't talk to me" (lie) and he "stayed up every night thinking about killing yourself" (and sticking your dick in a senior with bigger tits changes that??)

anyway. even just ranting helped. I chose this blog because I'm a radfem and I look up to you, but I can't message you because people don't know my age. thanks

tbh good riddance. he was literally lying to you. don’t you think it’s better to get rid of him sooner than later? imagine that you stayed with this guy, being like idk 24 and having wasted a decade on him only to find out his mountain of lies and betrayal. it’s good that it ended now instead of after. and it’s not a reflection of you, or your boobs or your body. girl you’re a D cup!!! im a 25 year old woman who’s a B 😭 like truly theres no need to be worrying about your boobs being too small when you’re 16 and a D cup bc some asshole guy u were with is now with a woman whose boobs look bigger. your breast size doesn’t determine your worth at all and you’ll find someone better who doesn’t make you feel bad about your body which im sure is fine AS IS. bigger breasts come with many cons anyways, like struggling to find fitting bras, back pain, constant sexual harassment, etc. it sucks that he’s a lot of your firsts, but those experiences should be viewed as separate from him as a person. did you enjoy your first kiss and whatever else at the time? that’s what matters. the person can go get fucked. so many people’s firsts were absolutely terrible. its often the case but you’ll have more experiences and your firsts will ultimately be nothing but a distant memory, i promise. what matters is it wasn’t traumatic or forced on you in some way, bc those are the things that really stick and fuck with you. but you don’t need to hate on that older girl he’s now with either, he’s the asshole here and who knows what’ll end up happening to her since she’s in his vicinity. damn maybe it’d even be better for you and her to talk to one another and for u to warn her about his lying. maybe she can even confirm for you whether or not he was straight up cheating too. he’s clearly emotionally manipulative and YOU DESERVE BETTER!! also. you’re literally 16. you have your entire life and future ahead of you. he’s a piece of shit and his behaviour is no reflection of you but give yourself time and space to heal + grieve. i promise you he’ll eventually be so irrelevant to you and you’ll laugh at what an ass he is in the future. you’ll find someone great and do many great things. he’s one guy from your teen years that you had a teen romance with and there’ll be many more and much better, without any lies or cheating. allow yourself to be sad, and to be angry. you won’t be that way forever. talk to your close, dear friends to help you process it. watch stuff about these situations and see how others dealt with it too if you’d like. you’re not alone in this. you’re still young and relatively inexperienced in this regard, and that of course makes it hurt more (not to mention teen hormones making your emotions even harder to manage). be forgiving to yourself and do things you enjoy as well. you’ll be okay, im sure of it.

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[locktobre]

bcbd thoughts

right away I see that this is only an hour long, so... it’s not a movie, then. it’s a one hour special, again. I feel like I’m already gonna miss the extra 20 minutes just like dolphin magic but we’ll see I guess. maybe it’ll be a mercy that it’s shorter.

the opening credits/dream sequence was nice. the animation on the city is decent, and the monochrome thing was kind of cool.

her being on stage reminded me a little of Eden, and then immediately I missed Eden so much. they would never let a version of Babs be a bitch now and that’s such a shame.

so now we’re joking about George tracking Barbie’s cell phone? bc that’s fine and not at all an invasion of privacy or anything. also, you can check flight statuses on the internet so that’s really not necessary. also, why the fuck didn’t Barbie call them once she got off the plane? or at least text? I always text or call my mom when I land, and frankly I’m not even as close to my mom as Barbie claims to be to her parents. and I did that when I was 17 traveling alone, too, so it’s not just something I do as an adult. it’s part of the responsibility of traveling to let ppl know that you got somewhere safe so they don’t worry about you. what the fuck Babs.

was that honking supposed to be like censoring the cabbie swearing bc I would love that. let the cabbie say fuck.

I still maintain that this “summer program” thing is bullshit and Babs should have been going off to college. I know they won’t let her grow up but it makes more sense than this does. also, you’re telling me there’s no summer programs for acting/whatever in LA? seriously? she HAD to go across the country for this? and her parents let her? they don’t even trust her! they said that 2 seconds ago! or is tracking her cell phone the reason she’s allowed to travel across the country (to Willows and Florida and Hawaii) by herself in the first place? I hate this I hate it so much already

The Handler Arts Academy... oh I’m feeling emotions

“luck’s got nothing to do with it. you worked your tail off for this” SHOW ME FOR WHEN, PLEASE. this could have been an actual arc of the show, a goal Barbie was working towards that could thread thru multiple episodes... but no. this came out of nowhere. I’m STILL saying that Amelia bought Barbie’s place here bc FUCK YOU SHOW

“I hope I’m good enough” you’re a mediocre rich white woman, you can do literally anything you want.

why is her guitar shoved in a cardboard box and not, idk, in a guitar case? that’s stupid. also, that’s an open cardboard box, so how did that travel on the plane? a closed cardboard box, fine. should be a suitcase, but fine. but this just makes no sense and I am not going to let it slide bc I hate this continuity and everything about it.

however, I will give Brooklyn a pass for the open cardboard box bc she literally lives in NYC and didn’t have to take a fucking plane to get here. she can carry it like that if she wants.

“as long as you don’t break [my leg], we’re good” I’ve already seen Brooklyn in a cast, so... does Malibu literally break her leg later on? even on accident... jesus christ.

is this Russian(?) custodian lady gonna be the antagonist/villain? bc I’m already not vibing with that. not at fucking all.

how the FUCK could they show up a day early? why would they not show up on the day they’re supposed to? that doesn’t make any sense! and if they’re NOT supposed to be there yet, then there would be no staff there to watch them, so they should have to come back tomorrow! they shouldn’t be allowed to be by themselves in a school like this! I’m assuming this is to facilitate a day of bonding without stupid things like classes in the way, but they could have written an orientation day or something in that would have made more sense, and as I said, I am not inclined to give them a pass on anything these days. fuck you all.

so, room assignments are alphabetical... I guess that kind of explains them being in the same room, altho it does feel coincidental that they wouldn’t be, like, in neighboring rooms. also they didn’t animate little signs on the other doors, even with nonsense text if they didn’t want to put other names up, so their door really sticks out for no reason. also, shouldn’t it say “Barbie Roberts & Barbie Roberts” or some other way of having both names on the door? also, if the school knows they have the same name, couldn’t they put middle initials or something? we know Malibu is Barbie M. Roberts, and I will generously assume that Brooklyn’s middle name is something else, so that would have been fine. this really feels like the administrators don’t give a fuck, and in a supposedly prestigious school, I don’t buy that.

so, Brooklyn has been training every summer in different programs, very intensely, to get in here... and Malibu trained on the internet. what have I been saying about Malibu’s white mediocrity? hmm?

even after that (lackluster) montage, it feels way too soon for “Before Us.” I don’t believe they’re best friends who warrant a song about their friendship. I don’t believe that at all.

I like the bald fashionista being on the billboard, that’s a nice touch.

Malibu bringing up her vlog like that gives me hives. she has already stated multiple times that she does that to help ppl, not for clout, and yet. here she is. being a fake ass bitch once again.

Brooklyn and Emmie’s story is already way more interesting than this and I’m pissed that’s just backstory.

LOVE that green-haired dude. idk where you’re going with that drum but godspeed my dude.

I’m assuming that’s Emmie incognito in the back, but... what’s she doing here if she’s already famous? pulling an Erika Juno?

Dean Morrison seems cool

(is it too early to ship Brooklyn x Emmie?)

if pets are allowed in this school, I’m SHOCKED Malibu didn’t bring Taffy. truly fucking shocked.

Rafa reminds me so much of Jacques Rousseau

“the only labels we believe in are designer” so Rafa’s gay, right? Barbie’s first gay character? I can only assume

the ballet thing still doesn’t make sense to me, if their goal is to be on Broadway. ballet is an entire art and discipline in itself.

fencing makes more sense, bc stage fighting is a thing.

‘work it’ is even funnier than I imagined. Malibu you’re such a fuck up. and I can’t even cut you some slack bc earlier you said your training was “internet.” you didn’t work for this and you don’t belong here. die.

if this was PCS, Malibu would have been kicked out already. YOU WERE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS.

so, the ‘work it’ montage clearly showed the passage of time, it’s been at least a week, and... Malibu hasn’t talked to Ken at all during that time? this is the first time she’s telling him about Brooklyn?

ok, confirmed to be a week. and she hasn’t talked to Ken. of course. they are so close of course she hasn’t talked to him in a week, especially when she’s been struggling so much and would need to vent to a friend about it. of course.

so, Emmie is pulling an Erika Juno. at least she’s in disguise.

jesus christ, they’re really having Emmie be exploited by her own father??? JESUS.

ok Brooklyn x Emmie is sailing.

Brooklyn’s mom is an airline pilot, that sounds cool.

so the dresses are powered by the magic of friendship? cool. that’s stupid.

of COURSE Emmie’s dad is the board member. jesus christ I hate this dude.

okay, so she DIDN’T break her leg, it’s only a sprain. thank god. poor green-haired drum dude.

saying “epic fail” in 2021 unironically is not cool, mattel. unless I’m even more out of touch with the youth than I thought, but I’m pretty sure about that.

wait, so Brooklyn was dancing... and now she’s on crutches again? what is this montage? they fucked up here.

of all things to kick Malibu out for, they’re saying she pushed Brooklyn? why not all the fuck ups in her first week?

also, Rafa was taping that class so how do they not bring that up immediately? that’s the whole reason they were dancing over there in the first place! (so he might not have caught anything, but still, I have to assume that’s going to fix this bc that’s what these movies do.)

I really like Malibu’s leather jacket look, but she does look a little bit old I think. Brooklyn’s leggings look is nice, too.

okay, so Brooklyn suddenly believes the unnamed witness over the girl she sang ‘before us’ with? okay. I told you this friendship was a crock of shit. they don’t trust each other at all! Brooklyn should have been angry when she first fell, and it builds to thinking that she was sabotaged, but she brushed it off... and now she’s pissed. that makes no sense.

this friendship breakup song also means nothing to me bc their friendship fell apart for such a stupid reason. fate didn’t tear you apart, you tore yourselves apart by not trusting each other. stupid little children.

if Brooklyn’s ankle isn’t completely healed aka still painful, she should not be dancing on it, she could injure herself more or at least prolong the healing process.

ok, so NOW, after Malibu has already been expelled and sent back home, they remembered the video. these kids are so fucking stupid. and of COURSE the unnamed witness is Mr Miller! Emmie, you ALREADY KNOW that your dad is shady as shit and wants you to get the Spotlight Solo! HOW DID YOU NOT PUT THIS TOGETHER IN 5 SECONDS? I DID

so, Mr Miller thought Malibu was Emmie’s biggest competition for the solo? Malibu, the spectacular fuck up? not Brooklyn? or any of the background extras? I refuse to fucking believe that. I REFUSE.

how did George and Margaret just let Malibu get expelled without flying out there to fight the charge? seriously?

how is is Brooklyn singing ‘before us’ in-universe such that Malibu recognizes it? you’re breaking the conventions of musicals! I don’t get this!

I like Brooklyn’s mom being a pilot less after it’s been used to facilitate this bullshit part of the plot.

again, just “Barbie Roberts” makes no sense. where’s a middle initial to differentiate them! SOMETHING! I know they’re doing the finale together, but still, it’s STUPID.

shipping Rafa x green-haired drummer dude bc I can

where’s the Emmie doll for this movie?????? I’m so disappointed. also the other outfits, the leather jacket and leggings ones, I swear those weren’t dolls either. what the fuck

I see more fashionistas on billboards at the end! I really like that

so the custodian wasn’t a villain... then why that introduction for her? that went nowhere

is “Big City Big Dreams” supposed to be Emmie’s song? that Malibu lips-synced to on her vlog (apparently)? I can’t tell by the voice and they don’t list the voices for the songs in the credits

overall, once again it largely made no sense. idk if it would have benefitted from 20 extra minutes of screentime bc nothing really happened.

also, what the fuck happened to Mr Miller? he just keeps on exploiting his daughter? and for that matter, what happened to Emmie’s mom? bc she lived with her, and then all of the sudden her dad was in her life again and exploiting her, so... what did mom die? did he kill her? what am I supposed to think? and Emmie’s STILL stuck in that situation? girl. what the fuck

also of course they were too cowardly to confirm anything about Rafa. of course.

[cinematicnomad]

It really isn't my day today with this ask game, is it? 🤣❤️️

Okay let me ask my own: What is you opinion about on the 9-1-1 Season 4 finale?

Because in all honesty I was excited due to the way 4x13 ended, with Eddie getting shot and Buck not being able to do nothing but watch.

But with the way 4x14 was put together, it felt like there were too many arcs that were shoved into one episode.

It felt like the episode was rushing to get to the next plot, cutting scenes at their most climatic moment just so we can jump to the next plot point.

I just feel like they should have focused on Eddie getting shot and the sniper targeting the LAFD. ❤️️

hmmmmm. the s4 finale. on the one hand, it's a little overstuffed and rushed and it didn't give me an eddieana breakup. on the other hand the everything to do with buckley-diaz family was perfection. that opening sequence?? buck crawling under the firetruck in a parallel to 2.18 to save eddie?? eddie, deliriously asking buck if he was hurt (STRAIGHT OUTTA FANFIC)?? literally perfect. buck being the one to tell chris and then take care of him? canon confirmation of buck spending the night at the diaz house sleeping on the couch?? buck being the first one called when eddie wakes up? THE ENTIRE LEGAL GUARDIAN REVELATION?

like i can't??? not love all of that.

now the rest of the episode...eh. not my favorite. it definitely could have been split into 2 episodes, and i think it definitely suffered from the shorter season. i still? don't really understand the motivation of the sniper, which is annoying bc that was such a big part of the finale but they didn't do a good job of making me know him and his motivations—he was no freddie costas.

i think they kind of copped out with the resolution of the athena/bobby conflict—they were building to that big fight all season, and then it got interrupted with the revelation that eddie was shot and then all the tension kind of deflated out of the argument and they both just apologized, but i don't actually feel like anything had been resolved. i wish the bobby/athena fight had happened earlier in 4.13 so that we could see them actually have to sit with the fight and deal with it.

also, i already spoke about how i wished they'd expanded on maddie's PPD storyline (i know it's continuing into s5 but i wish the buildup had been laid a little earlier). and as i mentioned earlier—i wish we could have had an eddieana breakup? but i understand that it would have been impossible to fit it in (the only way i could make it fit would be at the beginning of the hospital discharge scene to have buck be like "you sure you don't want ana to drive you home?" and then have eddie be like "no, we broke up" but i don't think i would have liked that either).

i wish bucktaylor had stayed platonic—honestly when she came back and buck gave her an out i thought the show was going to take it, and i wouldn't have hated that tbh. to have her be like 'i kissed you in the moment bc i was scared for you and i really care about you, but nothing's changed for me and i just want to be friends, i'm sorry' and just let them stay friends. but again, i like taylor so...it's not the worst outcome for me. hopefully they do something interesting with them and that when they break up (which i think they will) they don't totally destroy her character or villainize her.

and last. the final roof scene. making albert a firefighter. ravi randomly being with the firefam. eddie being totally healed. gonna be honest, as aesthetically pleased and heartwarming as that scene was, i didn't??? need it??? at all?? and i'm kind of bummed that apparently they were always planning on making albert a firefighter bc 1) wow, they did a terrible job building up to that and 2) i liked that albert wasn't a first responder?? not everyone has to be??? and yeah, i get that ravi is part of the 118 now but like....the character still feels too new to have been included in that rooftop scene so he felt v awkwardly out of place. and eddie being totally healed...annoying. i know tim gave some interviews implying that we weren't going to see eddie recover, but i hope they retcon that a little at the start of s5.

so yeah. i have quibbles. some issues. but it gave me captain han who i adore! it gave us maddie asking for help which i loved! and it gave us EVERYTHING with buck/eddie/chris soooo yeah i love it lol 😂😂😂

✨salty ask list✨

[littlenekosfan]

child prodigy

few weeks ago i made a piece (in 2 part) titled “i am the child prodigy” but i never actually went into details to what it implied. i wont go into details about my drawing bc they are better understood after what i will develop there, but i want to mention that the illustrations are referring to the aftermath of the FRIEND flashback event

what’s a child prodigy, its often define as a child (very young) having the “intelligence” of an adult, for the sake of the thread, reishi manipulation will count as a form of intelligence

i’ll start with bazz bc he’s the first who self proclaims as a genius for being able to form a crossbow at his age. even tho he’s self absorbed most of the time, he isnt wrong there, he is born blessed, talented, a prodigy and we confirm that by knowing this was their first encounter (bazz assumed jugo had friends even tho he doesnt and this was the first time he sees/talks to him since they dont live in the same village, i assume they were somehow close (their villages), so bazz couldnt have unconsciously profited to jugo’s ability to share and become a prodigy out of that, and also, bazz seems to know the kids in his village to be able to tell he was better than other kids)

later, yhwach says bazz was only good because jugo made him like that, which isnt true but not totally false either, his words here are terribly twisted and it infuriates me bc bazz nor jugo knew about that sharing power thing and given the current situation, it really feels like jugo was used and bazz was just profiting him, which isnt the case (as i mentionned earlier) but yhwach is very good at twisting words and convincing someone for his own interest... but i digress, you may be wondering how yhwach knows bazz is a genius to call him as such (the almighty only give him the ability to see a close future and forming a crossbow at his age is probably not that impressive now, so it’s not the almighty)

the answer is actually pretty obvious, bazz was the only one being able to raise his head among other adults when yhwach used his reishi to make them kneel (by the end of the chapter, he was able to get up which is really impressive knowing he had a hard time just to raise his head)

bazz is obviously proud of his talent, of his gift, and he isnt shy to show it, even if that would mean to put jugo down, but i woudnt call that pride, toxic.. its not wrong to be proud of what you are born with, to show it, but it did contribute to his loss (i know i said it before, but there are many factors to their breakup, pride wasnt part of them, ego was)

despite the prodigy he was, that gift left him all alone, with nothing... now he is lost somewhere in a forest where nobody will pick him up.. ever.. since nobody no longer remembers him

then we have jugo's case, he is also a child prodigy, just like bazz, being born with it, except, i dont think i can call it a blessing, its more of a curse in the quincy culture bc they are considered as failures (they actually kill kids like him) nobody sees it as a blessing, not even bazz nor jugo himself 

jugo became a prodigy when he joined yhwach, not because he was valued by an adult, an important figure, but bc he was taking an important place (we can tell with hubert and argola’s reaction) he was going to be yhwach’s advisor, that isnt nothing considering yhwach was already planning to invade the soul society by that time, and jugo is only a teen, he doesnt know anything about military stuff, but what was in his blood made him a prodigy in yhwach’s eyes

and jugo wont call himself a prodigy (and yeah, even after yhwach revealed to him his real powers, which are pretty scary if the circumstances were different), but he knows how he is one.. he cant take pride in it unlike bazz.., bc what did it give to him anyway? nothing (not even the recognition he craved so much)

just like bazz, their gift gave them nothing, in fact, it took everything away from them calling themselves a prodigy would be depersonifying themselves, that they are just reduced to their talent, one thought it would help him take his revenge which wont fill him with any accomplishment at the end, and the other thought it was finally a path given to him for a purpose in life, something good, only to end up stuck with it forever...

all what they needed was to recognize their friendship was more valuable and important than what was in their blood... 

[gautierprotectionsquad]

Saint and the Sinner by Sam Burns review (contains spoilers)

Book 4 of the Wilde Love series.

I don’t know why i call these reviews. they’re more like reactions. I end up spending a large part of this post angry ranting about Brendan Quinn.

I thought this book might take place around the same time as book 2. At least chapter 1 is a scene that happened in book 2 in Owen’s pov. Also, great chapter title. “Owen Gets a Prologue, Sort Of.” I never mention them but the chapter titles for these books are pretty good. Not so much for book 3 bc book 3 was sad.

I headcanonned Owen as demiromantic and Mickey as demisexual before reading this book. I don’t really headcannon them as that anymore.

I’m glad there’s a barista showing concern for him. I love how this series gives it’s extras so much life within the story. They aren’t just bystanders, they’re people.

Oh wow. Mickey kissed him. Within the first chapter. How long has mickey been harboring those feelings? I do not mind a sex scene in chapter 1. Such a good sex scene.

“I have feelings.” He was terrified for a moment that Owen was saying he had feelings for him, and that would be the end of him. “And I show them all the time. Is that a problem?” Dude are you fking stupid? Owen’s had feelings for you since forever. You knows he’s been into you since he was 13.

wAIT. Mickey just assumed Key knew he was bi? OWEN had to be the one to tell him his brother had no clue? I honestly don’t know who’s stupider, mickey or key. When we first met mickey, liam said he was straight too. Are all his friends just assuming he’s straight bc he was dating Amy or is he just living life as he is but never explicitly saying he’s bi and just assuming his friends would figure it out? Like a part of me thinks he just doesn’t tell his friends stuff.

Also, damn owen. He definitely loves knowing he has that kinda power over mickey’s dick now.

I’m a bit worried that mickey is the guy brendan quinn has in mind as his replacement. Damn just confirmed right after i typed that. fuuuuck.

“You will be okay, O. No matter what, I’ll make sure you’re okay.”

So this is the first book where the conflicts do get in the way of the relationship. Both are dealing with an internalized and some external conflict (mostly mickey) at the prospect of actually being together and Mickey wants to back out. I mean, technically Jake also had the internal conflict of his grief and sexuality preventing him from asking Brian out but that’s not the same. Mickey and Owen have already slept together, but emotional feelings haven’t really been talked about and i don’t think either of them are going to talk about it honestly bc owen doesn’t want to scare mick away and mick doesn’t think he deserves nice things. Book 1 and 2, the lovers decide they like each other and that they want to keep them fairly quickly. Nothing gets in their way or convinces them they should “let them go” or whatever despite things trying to get in their way like an ex or the moral dilemma of dating someone while undercover. Mick, on the other hand, is trying to push Owen away. While trying not to be a dick.

So many romance novel protagonists, when trying to push their loved one away, DO try and succeed in being a dick.

“It had been the most amazing kiss, and the worst thing that had ever happened to Owen. After it, he’d been sure of two things. The first was that Mickey had feelings for him too. The second was that Mickey never intended to kiss him again.” Just like what I said. This type of angst wasn’t in the previous books. It’s like book 1 and 2 were almost identical and then Sam Burns decided to spice it up a bit.

“Or the fact that I hate writing research papers, even though I like doing research.” BITCH FUCKING SAME!

THE ANGST. Dammit Brenden Quinn. Why’d you have to say “you’re the boss.” In front of your son! “Mickey was pretty sure his leg wasn’t what was in danger of getting broken in this mess.” AAAHHH. BRENDEN FUCK YOU. he did it on purpose! HE KNEW. Asshole.

Maybe he just noticed Mick staring longingly, not that Owen loved him back or that they’ve kissed/slept together? He’s still a major asshole, crushing the heart of a guy who is family to him.

What’s the point of being supportive of them being gay if you hate every guy they choose for themselves and are the reason behind almost every breakup?

Mick’s chosen to talk to keegan about his problems. Good but also. God he’s so bad at-Couldn’t have softened the blow a little? Jesus. Key already knew he’s supposed to be the new boss and key’s the best person to talk to about that but the Owen situation. Thank you keegan for giving me a satisfying hilarious response. And telling him what he needed to hear. Love that Keegan is basically like “WOW good for Owen!”

So keegan’s vote is 1) you don’t want to be the boss anyway (so i guess he’s telling him to tell Brendan no?) 2) totally cool with you dating my brother. He’s an adult and can make his own choices. Don’t break it off bc you feel like he deserves better or whatever other stupid exuses you have. I love Keegan.

“For a fraction of a second, there was something that resembled real sadness in the old man’s eyes, but it disappeared almost as soon as he saw it.” So you feel bad now?

“Owen frowned. He wasn’t sure why, but he wanted to get a rise out of her. He wanted her to be angry. It didn’t make sense. Did he want her to be angry with him, or Mickey? “I slept with him.” God, Owen and Mick are so alike.

So Litty’s saying that Mick’s not like his father’s other thugs so Owen shouldn’t be treating him like one? That he shouldn’t be mad at him for working for his father. I think he’s allowed to be a little mad though bc Mick hates it. He’s only doing it bc he feels like he has to, that he has no choice. But i guess Owen has to learn to be ok with the idea that he might be the boss and choose to not care, to love him anyway. The way Joe doesn’t care that Keegan used to be a gangster or that he loves his dad despite the crime. The way Alex chose to love Liam even if he was in the mafia even though he didn’t really have to go through that moral dilemma bc Liam was actually a cop.

“Owen had always thought Mickey was working for his father because he didn’t think he had another choice. Surely, if he was going to be the man in charge, he had to know that he had all the choice. He did. Right?”

Is he going to invite Mick to hawaii with him?

They are both so fucking insecure jesus christ. Especially Mick which is what’s causing all this mess.

Hey mickey? Maybe don’t kiss a boy after you tried to break off any kind of relationship you could have had with him? Mickey should be more considerate of Owen’s emotions. He knows Owen has loved him since he was a teenager and he keeps breaking this poor kid’s heart because he keeps convincing himself he’s not good enough for him while still being too tempted to completely pull away.  “You can’t jerk me around like this. Make up your mind, dammit.” YEAH funicking tell him!

“I like people who aren’t afraid of me. Who tell me when I’m being a jackass.”

“You’re being a jackass.”

HAHA! Mickey actually says what he wants!

Ah shit they’re interrupted by the boss. Owen’s going to be so fucking mad when he finds out his dad has been encouraging Mick’s self loathing. Fucker.

Owen’s turn to talk to keegan.

So basically this book’s main conflict is Mick and Brendan’s self hatred. Hey Dudes! GET OVER YOURSELVES!

“And as long as Mickey was around their father every single day, there wasn’t a damn thing Owen could do to shake that hold, he was sure. The old man would call, Mickey would answer, and any progress Owen made would be lost.” So Owen is going to take him to hawaii? Oh. it’s more evil than that. He’s not inviting him. He’s going to trick him into thinking he’s in danger. And Keegan’s going to help.

So despite trying to pull them apart from each other, he can see his son wants mick still. That makes him more of an ass.  LET your children BE HAPPY goddammit. No you don’t know what’s best for them. Stop trying to ruin shit for them.

“Going to take him to Europe and lose his passport so he can’t come back to work?” Owen scowled. That was actually kind of clever. He wondered if it would have worked.” pfft.

No, i’m still mad at his dad though. He knew how his son felt about Mick and about the business and encouraged Mick to go deeper into it and acts like it’s ineffable just bc he thinks Mick and him are alike. You told Mick with your own words that you think Owen deserves better. You shut Mick down before he could even ask to date your son. Don’t you think you’re taking part in making him feel unworthy, in making him feel like he can’t be reformed? You knew your son was never going to want anyone else and you still pushed them apart bc you thought you knew better. It’s understandable for Owen to not hate him but I’m going to hate him.

So even though his dad kind of approved of Owen trying to take Mick away and win him over, they’re still going with their plan to trick Mick instead of simply having his dad not force Mick to his side and actually start telling him nice things and start -i don’t know- Stop trying to keep his son away from what he wants. What’s with the talk of him possibly never going to be able to come back home?

Pfft. so literally all he had to do was leave at an odd time and that was enough to freak Mick out? HAHAHAHAHA. I mean everything else is pretty standard and Keegan actually tried to ease his worry by telling him he was going on vacation (which he is). I thought the plan was keegan was going to call pretending to be worried about Owen on his trip, maybe lie and say some russians were there. Nope. What he did was completely normal, he just left at an odd time and took all his favorite stuff on his trip with him (which is...normal?). The only thing off is that he didn’t tell anyone about it. (except he did tell keegan. keegan just didn’t mention that.) Mickey’s such a mother hen for owen. He should have been hired as Owen’s bodyguard. Lord knew, he needed one in school. He did get bullied.

Now i’m thinking of an au where Mick was hired as owen’s bodyguard instead of hired to do errands.

“...Brendan...was watching him with something like curiosity.” so brendon is finally seeing it? The love and care and worry Mick has for his son?

For the first time in his life, Mickey’s patience with Brendan Quinn ran out. “With all due respect, sir, don’t you think Owen is more important than any of that?”

“I didn’t say he wasn’t,” Brendan countered. “Are you telling me that he is to you? More important than your job? Your future?”

Brendan’s testing him. He wants him to put his son before his work. He’s being difficult on purpose. I can understand the “being difficult and disapproving to force their child’s lover to have to prove themselves worthy of their kid” trope but this is different. Brendon’s known Mick for most of his life and encouraged him to go into a path that he knew would taint him when he could have gotten him legitimate work. I feel like it’s unfair. Yeah, Mick needed to learn to tell the old man to fuck off and choose Owen above Brendan but i feel like Brendan was playing unfair.

The classic run to the airport because you realized you’re in love and you’re scared you’re never going to see them again.

I feel like i’m missing the point/not meeting the book where it’s at. The book is leading me somewhere but I’m not following it. I’ve felt it since that “heart to heart” between Owen and his dad. When his dad finally conceded a bit and encouraged Owen to go after what he wants. I’m still holding it against Brendan bc I feel like this conflict is all his fault. I blame Brendan for breaking his son’s heart by giving the empire to someone he knew his son was in love with, knowing how much his son hated the business. But the story is treating it like the conflict is mostly Mick’s fault, which, some of it is, but Mick might not feel as undeserving if it wasn’t for Brendan. If Brendan weren’t so fucking difficult to deal with, there wouldn’t be so much less conflict.

I wish Owen and Mick got to communicate with each other more. I don’t know how close this book is to ending but I’m going to leave this book disappointed if it ends soon bc these idiots spent most of it away from each other and didn’t talk about what they wanted enough. I mean, they had sex, then Mick pushed him away, then owen found out mick was the new boss, then owen avoided him for a while, then mick kissed him and told him what he wanted but owen couldn’t say anything back bc brendan called, then owen went on his trip and mick is following bc he loves him. I didn’t really get to see them spend time with each other that much.

You don’t give something to a poor kid who has never asked for anything in his life and then ask him for 10x more and expect him to not say yes to everything and only agree to what he wants too. Brendan talks about mick’s criminality like it’s who he is and not something brendan forced him to do. Mick never felt like he had a choice in the matter. Brendan built his empire from the ground up bc he wanted it. MICK DOESN’T WANT THIS. He is NOT Brendan! he feels sick to his stomach doing this work and only says yes to you cause you never let him know he could say no. i wanted brendan to feel guilty. Instead he’s probably going to die and the book is going to treat it like it’s all sad and i’m going to be PISSED. Bc you dont get to mold a kid into a criminal than hold that against him when he finally says he WANTS something.

The book is not looking at the full picture it painted. It’s not judging brendan for the choices he’s made. It’s not examining them. It’s not blaming him. It’s a dick move to ask so much from mick and then shut him down before he could even ask to date your son when he has never asked you for anything. And then hold stuff  YOU MADE HIM DO against his character. WTF. he only ever asked for something once and you told him to his face that he didn’t deserve it.

Brendan better not die before Mick gets to say to his face that he never wanted any of this. That he only ever worked for him bc he felt like he owed him. That the only thing mick and brendan have in common is a love for family and loyalty and a love for Owen and Keegan.

It’s kind of frustrating the way Owen and Mick talk about Mick continuing to work for Brendan. He doesn’t want to keep working the business bc he actually enjoys it; He just doesn’t think he’s qualified to do anything else. He never got a chance to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He doesn’t like his job. Owen has to keep saying that he’s fine with Mick still working for his dad if he wants-owen isn’t going to force him to quit-but it’s just so frustrating bc this is with the assumption that Mick wants that.

Okay. i just needed to let out my anger. Let’s pretend brendan doesn’t exist or matter or has ever had any affect on the decisions made by mick.

“This was the trip Mickey had talked about taking for years, since he was a kid. And Owen was taking him—had tricked him into it” this is actually really sweet.

God he should have pulled the prank on him pretending he forgot the condoms. I could just imagine the reaction; it would have been so funny!

Since they’ve already been in love with each other before the book started the last words aren’t going to be their first i love you’s in the story like the previous books.

“We could be married. If you wanted.”  They both froze.  “Mickey?” Owen whispered. “Did you just half-assed ask me to marry you in a swimsuit shop?”  “May-be?”

I can’t believe he said marry me before he said i love you.

“Fuck, O, I love you so much.” 7 pages after.

They get to spend a lot of time together thanks to this trip. It’s very cute.

He DOESN’T. He’s just a pessimistic ass who doesn’t say out loud how much he hates it and doesn’t think himself capable of doing anything else. The book’s solution is to have Mick working for Brendan’s legitimate construction company but I don’t think that’s a real answer? The REAL answer would be to give Mick a chance to figure out what he’s passionate about; to finally accept that he’s worthy of getting the things he wants and to not think so lowly of himself. He’s not a poor kid desperate for money and food anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. Plus Keegan and Owen would totally be ok with supporting him financially while he gets the qualifications to do what he wants. He needs to learn that he can ask for and accept help without having to pay anyone back. He’s allowed to want things.

It just feels weird that book 1 was about Alex, who quit law school and got disowned so that he could crash on his friend’s couch with nothing but the clothes on his back and his philosophy textbooks bc he reached for what he was actually passionate about and here we are, the last book in the series, and the topic of Mick trying to find something he’s passionate about isn’t even discussed or explored at all. This book’s conflict is more than just Mick wanting to be with Owen but feeling like he owes Brendan and needs to do what Brendan wants. Wanting to be with Owen but working as a criminal. It’s about Mick not being able to accept any act of kindness without feeling like he has to pay them back tenfold. It’s about him feeling like he’s not allowed to want for anything because he’s already been given more than he thinks he deserves.

yeah he’s accepting a ceo position for brendan’s construction company but does he want that? Or does he just want to work a legal job and he would

have accepted it no matter what it was (except working at Wilde’s bc that would be too easy). Is he accepting it without argument bc he feels like he can ask for this or bc Brendan’s just handing it to him and it’s no different than continuing to say yes to whatever Brendan wants-it’s just now he’s saying no to illegal stuff.

“Plus, if he’s halfway out, it’s not crushing his soul the same way, right?” It’s this shit right here! Mick never says he doesn’t want to work for Brendan bc it’s crushing his soul, because he hates killing, because he doesn’t WANT to, out loud. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt Owen. “I don’t want Owen to get a visit saying I’m not coming home. I don’t want him to see my face all over the news if I get busted and put away. I want him to be happy.” That’s what he says when he’s asked why he wants to quit the business. And it’s really frustrating??? At least Brendan finally acknowledged that Mick and he are not the same, that Brendan would kill his best friend to reach a goal but Mick wouldn’t kill his. Except Mick would rather not kill anyone if he can avoid it.

Anyway we’re close to the end. We’ve got a wedding scene.

“She snorted and rolled her eyes in disgust.“Yeah, but they thought you were straight. So now they just think everybody’s bisexual, especially if they want it to be true.” gross.

“Poor thing was so embarrassed when he started leering at your brother that he apologized to me.” dude

“Holy hell,” Keegan whispered. “You’re really in love with my brother.”\Mickey peered up at him. Was he kidding? In fact, Keegan

looked completely sincere. “Um, duh? I better love him. We’re getting married in, like, five minutes.” asdfghjklkjhgfds

We get a domestic shopping scene and christmas. Mick is happy with the office job he has. And Owen’s still trying to figure out what to do with his degree since no fbi agency would accept him bc of his crime family. Based no that domestic shopping scene and “He didn’t even know who’d done the decorating in the Quinn house. Wilkes, probably. Whoever it was, they’d done a magnificent job.” this, Owen might become an interior decorator? With a criminal justice degree.

Mick to key about jon “You’re dating Mister Rogers.”

“Heh. Mickey’s husband.” same energy as “heh. Wife” - vespa ilkay

“Jon was unreasonably pleased with the personalized monogrammed handkerchiefs that Mickey bought him, and he even had a smile for Brendan when the man told him that his gift was that he hadn’t bought the fed “a damned thing.”

“Owen gave Keegan a copy of the Kama Sutra as a joke, and was horrified when Keegan gave him a satisfied smile, handed it back to him, and told him he already had one.” hold on. “The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian Sanskrit text on sexuality, eroticism and emotional fulfillment in life. Attributed to Vātsyāyana, the Kama Sutra is neither exclusively nor predominantly a sex manual on sex positions, but written as a guide to the art of living well, the nature of love, finding a life partner, maintaining one's love life, and other aspects pertaining to pleasure-oriented faculties of human life” ok.

Mick never killed jimmy. He mentioned at the beginning of the book that he lied to the old man a lot. This is what he meant. Brendan would order someone dead and he’d find a way to not do that while still making it look like he did what the boss wanted.

Brendan died not from sickness but he got shot on the job. Died trying to do the right thing. Penny, the asshole who kidnapped Alex in the first book, is out of jail and is the new boss of the mafia crime business.

The Quinn family house gets turned into “The Brendan Quinn Shelter for Homeless LGBT Teens.” COOL!

Last words are I love you.

THE END

[enchantred]

folklore reactions

the 1: i totally called the tone of this album. I also love how all the album is in lowercase. this is such a sweet song! melancholy but beautiful. however, joe???? is she good? are they good? um hello I need to do some research about who this is about bc its beautiful but also sad. God I love Taylor Swift. She truly is the greatest songwriter of this century. 

cardigan: I’m really excited about this one tbh. nice into? YESS LANA VIBES. dark edgy rep mood and im here. how is this album already better than lover? also is she okay again? like i need to know about my girl. if this album doesnt win a grammy im going to riot. I love how poetic this album is. I didn’t really understand the black and white but I think I understand it now. 

the last great american dynasty: from the title im hoping also lana vibes but lets see. okay halsey 929 vibes in the beginning.  love the storytelling. I love this album so far. is this about the kennedys? is this about her past relationships? wait it totally is! marvelous? rhode island? or wait this is tiwwchnt? is this a reflection on her friendships? i’m so curious. Love the background instrumentals. wait no i’m wrong this is about her house? or the lucky one? i too had a marvelous time ruining everything also this is a mood

exile: I’m not the biggest fan of bon iver so i’m not too excited about this one, but i’m open to it, I guess. This is very The Last Time of her and I love that song so. oh no sad again. you were my crown now im in exile! no no please taylor be happy im going to straight up cry. I really hope she’s doing okay, but this song is beautiful. okay some quick research and taylor and joe are still together and apparantly he wrote things which makes sense 

my tears ricochet: very its nice to have a friend of her. okay i def hear the jack antonoff in this song. another sad song. :(  Wait yes here comes the orchestra why is this speak now x 1989? im here for this part of the song for sure.  florence inspo for sure.  

mirrorball: wait this is very fearless era is it not lmao? like the vocals are floaty and seem younger. okay this is sweet. yes begin again vibes I love it!!! yes empowerment and happiness!!!!! this is my favorite so far. This is what Me! wishes it was. hush! this is so relaxing. tbh i did think she said “im still on my toilet” instead of “tallest” so lets see if anyone else makes this mistake.  wait THIS IS THE LUCKY ONE PART 2. beautiful 10/10

seven: this is about the lover album going to call it. okay why does this literally not sound like her at all? wait im so wrong. like this is fairies in the field and she sounds like an irish folk singer from the 90s. this is cute. cottagecore lesbians on tiktok are going to use this sound for sure lmao. who does she sound like? ok i am not a fan of this song just going to put that out here now its kinda boring. 

august: if theres not an upbeat song on this album i will freak out. ugh another slow song. wait this is happy! yay! very beautiful kiss for him. why do i get like past romance vibes from this? (tom????) we love yearning. cruel summer who?also fearless vibes from this too.

this is me trying: based on the title im worried again? i almost do who???? I got wasted like all my potential ugh mood. why can’t she have the album booklet secret sentences again i sure hope she does omg. call it what you want also. 

ilicit affairs: now this has got to be about the getaway car triangle. can i be right about one thing. yearning again, but nice this time too. HIM! this is very red era and I don’t know how to feel about it. treacherous inspired this for sure. okay this is my favorite because its lowkey a diss track. dear john vibes also!

invisible string: never grow up vibes. however, I still need to know if taylor is okay like genuinely because i’m scared lmao. I hate it when people are sad esp her and like her albums define my life a bit so if shes sad im sad? bad blood lmao. aww time heals everything, this is so cute i sure hope shes happy. we love a self referencing queen. 

mad woman: the man part 2? oooh swear words. is this about k*nye? is this about k*m? wanting me dead has really brought you too together? who else? ive got to find some fan theories omg

epiphany: the 1975 vibes? i swear if this is instrumental.. okay why does this sound like a small british child singing in choir. its really beautiful though, no insult meant I just don’t really listen to music like this ever. its not really my aesthetic but I can appreciate it. 

betty: my friend freaked out about this song so from her reaction its got to be either confirmation of Kaylor/taylor being gay, the song is some weird genre thats not taylor, shes pregnant, or just really deep lyrics that hit differently? lets see. wait COUNTRY TIME? YO. oh no what did she did to betty? wait i feel uncomf. whats abigails opinion on this i need to know, were they friends? yikes friend breakup i’ve been there. is this from someone else’s perspective i gotta know. yay she goes to the party!!! wait what cardigan? whats happening im so ??

peace: interesting......this is beachy I love it? its nice to have a friend vibes again. she sounds like.. not herself? this is so different from everything she’s done before I need to sit with it and listen to it before i understand. clowns to the west. her voice sounds so beautiful here and so mature? i honestly was ready for this era after rep but not right now? idk how I feel about it. 

hoax: not s single upbeat song :(((((. faithless love??? not cute. is she going to perform any of these live i cant really imagine it. new york? aw no she’s sad my baby girl. hmm. don’t like this one. the vibes are great but I just dont like them. 

[sunriseskog]

comethru- Auston Matthews

Request: n/a this was entirely self induglent bc im sad and ive had comethru by Jermey Zucker stuck in my head for weeks

Word Count: 2,267

Warnings: cursing, angst, dudes being assholes, mentions of tr*ding auston

A/N: ive been on hiatus for a long ass time so any feedback is more than welcome!!!! also i am fully aware that i used this gift for my last post but its hot and i dont care

It had been a little over a month since Auston left. No… that’s not quite right. It had been a little over a month since Auston left Toronto. It had been just barely under a month since you had left Auston.

You weren’t entirely sure who the trade surprised more, but you did know for a fact that it had had a far greater effect on you than it had on Auston.

He had remained optimistic in the beginning. After all, Buffalo is barely a 2-hour drive on a bad day. On a good day, he could probably make it in an hour and a half. But the two of you had quickly reached the conclusion that either of you driving 4+ hours a day wasn’t practical, and it wasn’t fair to whoever drew the short end of the stick, pun intended. You knew he would never ask you to move for him, hell even moving in together had been a stretch for you, but you also knew that there was an unspoken expectation that eventually the both of you would relocate closer to the arena.

Before he had even reached the border, you had managed to convince yourself that this short distance relationship would cripple your relationship before you could even begin filling out the US immigration forms to move with him, let alone actually convince yourself to do it. So you backed off. You knew that trying to exhaust what was left of the relationship would only end up destroying you the both of you more than was necessary, so you let go. You knew it wouldn’t take him long to pick up on the fact that you were becoming distant, taking longer to respond to texts, barely calling him back and conveniently timing your responses with the specific intention of him not being able to pick up. You may have been stupid, but you sure as hell weren’t subtle. You knew that as long you were the bad guy in the scenario, it wouldn’t take him nearly as long to get over you, and as long as you remained in control of the situation, you knew that you’d come out of the tail end of things perfectly fine.

And you were. You were absolutely, positively fine. But that was all you were. You weren’t good or great or doing well, you were just… fine. You were off-kilter, sure, but you were surviving, and that was honestly all you had come to ask of yourself. You were sure that the other shoe would drop soon enough, you had ridden the high and now you were at the plateau, but the comedown seemed to always be lurking around the corner.

One too many sleepless nights in a row had come to significantly impact your sleeping schedule. It had gotten to the point where your boss had come to expect your work day to end at 5 am instead of 5 pm. It was nice, though. To see the city when it felt like no one else could. To have your whole day to yourself, even though it was technically night. Everything was much quieter, and there were moments where it felt like you might be the only person in the entire city to be awake, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. You rarely interacted with anyone, you didn’t even wake up until hours after the last of your coworkers had left the building, and every errand you had to run could be completed via the self-checkout of the 24 hr supermarket a few blocks away from your apartment building. You weren’t lonely by any means, you just so happened to be alone.

Except on game nights. You were never alone on game nights. Luckily, there weren’t very many Toronto residents that enjoyed watching one of their franchise players play in a different teams jersey, but you still couldn’t help but punish yourself by watching his games whenever they were on at the sports bar you frequented. You told yourself that as long as someone else put the game on, and as long as you left with someone new before the game was over, then it wasn’t nearly as pathetic as it seemed.

An issue arose the first time Toronto played the Sabres. You hadn’t checked the schedule, you just knew that there was a game. You also knew that if you were ever alone when a game was on you would curl up with far too much ice cream and a borderline dangerous amount of rum, neither of which were ideal. Immediately upon entering the bar, you knew that it was far too crowded for there to not be a Leafs game on, it was nowhere near baseball season, and the sea of blue jerseys couldn’t be for any other team. An involuntary wince consumed your face as Auston’s name reached your ears, it seemed like every congregation of fans in the entire establishment were talking about him, and a cursory glance at the nearest screen confirmed your fears.

The bad news was that if you stayed, you would have to watch Auston play, which was bound to be painful for any Leafs fan, but this one would hurt you just a little more than all the others— the knowledge that he was just across the city weighed heavily on your shoulders as you pushed through the crowd to find an empty stool somewhere. The worse news was that there was no way in hell a single guy in here would be willing to leave before the game was over, so you’d either have to watch all of it and then fuck the feelings away, or go home and watch all of it and probably end up crying for a majority of the third period. The former seemed like a more viable option at the time.

Now, though? You wished you had just gone home. Because it turns out you were wrong, there was a dude at the bar who was willing to leave before the end, as it would turn out, he was ready to leave before the second period was halfway through. That should have been your first red flag.

In your defense, you had a lot of other shit going on, and your brain was far too preoccupied coping with the stress that the game was bringing to consider the fact that the nice guy who had been paying for your drinks might not turn out to be that nice after all.

On the cab ride back to your apartment, you found out that his name was Sam and he was a lifelong Leafs fan. The two of you bonded over having grown up around hockey without actually playing it, and you even shared a cigarette at the entrance of your building’s lobby. It wasn’t until the two of you stepped into your living room that things took a turn for the worse.

The framed and signed Matthews jersey on the mantle had been more of a joke than anything else, all of your friends thought it was funny while the two of you were together, and you hadn’t had anyone over since the breakup, so you hadn’t found a reason to convince yourself to take it down. The look of disgust on Sam’s face as soon as he laid eyes on it would have been a fairly convincing reason if you actually gave a shit what he thought about you.

“That’s borderline sacrilege,” he commented, gesturing towards the display. You shot him an incredulous look, waiting for him to give any indication that he was making a joke.

“What?” You questioned, not really confused, just wanting to clarify if he was saying. What you thought he was saying.

“You can’t seriously call yourself a leafs fan and still support that guy! He’s a traitor,” He asserted. His over passionate gesturing indicated that he was genuinely this invested in the topic, which should have been your second red flag.

“I mean c’mon, (Y/N),” He continued. “You’re not stupid, are you?”

You couldn’t help but scoff at how pretentious and condescending he was being, without seeming to realize that he was acting like an absolute prick.

“I can assure you, Samuel,” You drawled sarcastically. “I am anything but stupid, but you have got to be absolutely moronic if you genuinely believe that I’m going to let you fuck me after speaking to me like I'm a goddamn child. Your kinks are your business but that's not really my style,” you sneered as you moved towards the doorway in order to invite him to throw himself out so you didn’t have to bother touching him any more than you already had.

“Now why don’t you get the fuck out of my house, dick head,” You spoke as your lip curled and your brow quirked, gesturing through the doorway to drive the point through his thick skull.

“Gladly,” He scoffed, slamming his shoulder into yours as he stepped past you. “Not like I’d want to fuck a whore like you anyways!” He shouted over his should as he started towards the stairs.

“Open your mouth that wide again and I’m gonna have to ask you to chortle my cock, Samuel” You responded, giving a middle finger to his back for your own satisfaction. You had never been one to censor your insults, and over the years they had become more and more lewd. This, of course, had never really presented itself as a problem until you caught the eye of your neighbor as you turned to storm back inside of your apartment. You couldn’t help but wince apologetically at the old woman, giving her a repentant head nod as you shuffled back inside.

You let your back hit the inside of the door, sliding roughly down until your tailbone hit the hardwood floor beneath your feet. Of course, the first substantial interaction you had in over a month would turn out to be a spectacular disaster. And of course, it was because of Auston. Realistically, you knew it wasn’t his fault, you just really really needed someone else to blame right now. You carded your fingers through your scalp roughly, and let out an elongated groan in the hopes that it would satisfy the overwhelming urge that you had had to scream at the top of your lungs for the past month or so.

As you stared at your own intertwined fingers in an attempt to calm yourself down, you couldn’t help but notice that your fingers were shaking. This wasn’t a recent development by any means, but this was the first time that you had noticed it being this aggressive. It usually only happened when you had coffee, which was why you had abstained from it for a majority of your life. As you looked back on what your routine had become, you realized that through all the late nights and later mornings, you had been popping caffeine pills and ordering espressos far more than the ‘one-time thing’ you told yourself it was. The realization that your life had done a complete 180 in the span of 5 weeks began to weigh on you, and it seemed like your mind was consumed entirely by flurries of memories of bad habits you had fallen back into and the lifeless moments you had spent floundering, convincing yourself that you were fine on your own, despite the fact that that was anything but the truth.

It didn’t take very long to find his contact picture in your recent messages. You hadn’t had much of a reason to talk to that many people lately. It took longer to open up the message thread, trying to prepare yourself to view the unbearably awkward finality of your most recent messages to each other. The preview underneath his name only served as a painful reminder that the last time he had texted you was to say that he loved you. And you hadn’t said it back.

You weren’t sure if he was going to respond, hell you went sure he was even going to read it. For all you knew it was entirely within the realm of possibility that he had blocked you a while ago. You knew exactly what to say, surprisingly, that wasn’t the hard part. Of the few letters that you typed, the closer you got to reaching out to him again seemed to calm you down more and more. By the time you tacked on the question mark at the end, your fingers had stopped trembling for there first time in what you could assume had been at least a couple of weeks. You let your phone drop to the floor as soon as you hit send, either he would be here within the hour or his response wouldn’t be worth reading. Those were the only options on the table. Either he was going to come and the two of you were going to get to be okay for a little while, or it truly was the end. If that was the case then you really didn’t want to see what he had to say. You heard your phone vibrate from where it laid just a couple feet away, and as much as the desire consumed you, you couldn’t bring yourself to move to see what it said. So you sat there, and waited to see if you would be able to hear those oh so familiar footsteps ascending your staircase again, responding to your oh so familiar request.

‘come thru?’

[whatiobsessabout]

The Ultimate List of LGBT Kpop Songs/MVs

This has come about because whenever I come across queer kpop lists I am disappointed by how short and repetitive they are. My goal is to have THE MOST comphensive list of songs and music videos with any sort of lgbt themes. 

Each song or mv listed will have a little (or not so little) description explaining how gay it is or why it is gay. This does mean I’ve let some more questionable songs and mvs on the list but from the description I shouldn’t be leading people astray or getting their hopes up. (I decided against including covers of songs  eg. where the artist hasn’t changed the gender in the songs. bc I feel that would become too messy and complicated. Also there are artists and songs I dislike on this list, and some artists can be considered problematic however I felt that if I excluded anything based on personal opinions it would make the purpose of this list invalid). 

Hopefully kpop fans can diversify their playlists and discover new bops, as well as giving comfort to lgbt+ kpop fans. I plan to update this list as new gay content is released :)

PLEASE GIVE ME MORE SUGGESTIONS FOR THIS LIST

Playlist of this List

UV & JYP - Itaewon Freedom Itaewon is the multicultural district in seoul, also one of the prominent “gay” areas in s.korea. this song is a gay anthem in korea.

Baek Ji Young - I Won't Love Again/Sarang Ahn Hae a beautiful lesbian romance

K.Will – Please Don't the ultimate plot twist mv and is THE gay kpop mv

Sistar – One More Day, I Like That, I Swear In One More Day shows when friends turn into lesbian lovers, but one is still in a relationship with an abusive man. The latter two mvs have fanservice based touching plus those gay vibes

ANDA – Touch a very lesbian mv

Baby Soul & Yoo Jia – She's a Flirt Feat. Jang Dongwoo a lesbian relationship but one of them is still with a man

After School – Because of You love triangle between 3 women

Red Velvet – Wish Tree a one-sided lesbian love. I will mention ‘Bad Boy’ for having some fanservice moments and the rainbow outfits in ‘Peek-a-Boo’ is peak gay culture

Holland – Neverland Holland is described by many news outlets as “The First Openly Gay Kpop Idol” make of that as you will (Because you can argue about being first and whether he is actually an idol, despite being a Korean person making pop or alternative pop music). Regardless he is openly gay and his song is most definitely gay and his mv is explicitly gay. Bless him

4L – Move in the aftermath of a massive breakup, the female character ends up having a lesbian one night stand which further confuses her while she deals with her heartbreak. This mv is more in the fanservice and objectifying females/lesbians category.

Loona – Chuu: Heart Attack, Yves: New light lesbian themes, up for interpretation

10cm – Help The male characters struggle with their relationship as they worry how society view them

DIA – Seoraksan In October light lesbian themes, up for interpretation

VIXX LR – Whisper light gay themes and touching, symbolic based and possibly just fanservice. Some consider their other hit ‘Beautiful Liar’ as gay, however, despite the homoeroticism in that mv, the plot is about struggling with your two inner selves rather than a male & male relationship.

Day6 – What Can I Do in a very messy love triangle (or octogon, who knows??) Wonpil has a one sided love for Sungjin, the plot is somewhat continued in their mvs ‘I Loved You’ and ‘When You Love Someone’.

Sweet Revenge – Cry to Your Heart's Content lesbians, lesbians, lesbians

INFINITE – The Eye some scenes of this could fall into the category of fanservice and skinship, even though it is very emotionally charged

Gugudan – Chococo Sejeong experiences a gay and chocolatey epiphany (a minor scene)

San.E – Story of someone I know Depicts an ex-girlfriend dumping him for a girl

Brown Eyed Girls – Abracadabra Queens of sexual freedom, there is an almost kiss at the end.

Girl's Day – Female President an almost kiss scene, in a feminist bop (a song made not too long after s.korea elected their very first female president, Park Geun Hye. Note: this was made well before she was exposed for being the worst™ and consequently impeached, which is a shame for the first and so far only female leader in s.korea to leave such a ignominious history.)

BTS – Blood Sweat and Tears, I need you, Run In Blood Sweat and Tears Jin kisses the male demon statue that seems to represent Taehyung. The other 2 mvs have light gay themes with skinship type moments

Imfact – Lollipop kissing on the cheeks and other skinship for fanservice

Wonder Girls – Why So Lonely a sort of but not really kiss scene

Crispi Crunch - Thumbs up a very questionable mv but does include a trans woman, or crossdresser, near the end. Also the teasers for this mv included the two dudes kissing, nowhere to be found in the actual mv though (or on the internet now.... ???)

Lim Chang Jung – Open the Door Includes a gay kiss

Glam – Party XXO a bi anthem, lyrics specify about not caring about gender when searching for love

N.O.M – A Guys, Nature of Man the group were less of a kpop group and more of a gay club act who then released 2 singles

Orange Caramel – Catallena more so in the lyrics than mv but not completely ignored in the mv, Catallena explores how women are supposed to compete with each other in society and how that becomes confusing when females look up and idolise other females, and even further complicates when you fall for a female. Additionally, the meaning can also be about how girl groups are pitted against each other but they also admire and love each other

Nell – The Day Before Deals with homosexuality and suicide

Harisu – History (with Turbo), Liar, Shopping Girl, Reaction, Foxy Lady, etc. A transgender model and actress who also had a pop career for a period of time

Mercury – Don’t Stop, Let’s Party a girl group which has one member, Hanbit, who is trans

SNSD – Dancing Queen, Divine (Story Version), All Night, Love & Girls, etc. Dancing queen has lowkey gay lyrics. Divine is one big lesbian drama. In All Night Sooyoung and Yuri have major gay vibes towards each other. Both All Night and Love & Girls include drag queens. GG’s discography is so large so there’s plenty more lowkey gay songs.

Lee Hyori – Miss Korea, Going Crazy Miss Korea critics beauty standards for women in korea, and includes drag queens. In Going Crazy Hyori crossdresses as a man and then sleazily flirts with tons of women

Mamamoo – Um Oh Ah Yeh plays with crossdressing and gender identity, and kinda gay. And they have a song called “Girl Crush” which is supposedly platonic by Korean pov but worth a mention

Monsta X – All In Hyungwon and Minhyuk are shown to be together, this is possibly why Hyungwon’s dad beats him

GFriend – Navillera Eunha and Yerin are confirmed to be depicting a couple throughout this mv. There are hints that the rest of the group are also coupled up but aren’t as far into their relationships yet.

Suran – Sad Pain two differently disabled women find comfort with each other

Triple H – 365 So Fresh heavily implied polyamorous relationship and threesome between 2 guys (Hui & e.dawn) and 1 girl (Hyuna)

Mad Clown – Love is a Dog from Hell Feat. Suran the story of a trans woman and her wife. Side note: interestingly enough Mad Clown asked his brother to play the trans woman, which brings up some questions about their personal lives – how close to this story are they?

Bestie – Excuse Me in this mv the girls have a magical pair of glasses that reveal the true intentions of men, the final group of men they come across are revealed to be gay

Maman – Obvious Story a lesbian song by a lesbian singer in a lesbian mv

Kriesha Chu – Like Paradise a lovely and trendy lesbian date

Song Jieun – Don’t Look at Me Like That depicts how gay people feel in conservative korea, feeling judged for their love

XIA – Tarantallegra, Even though I already know crossdressing and gender identity, plus gay vibes especially with the dancers

Heechul & Min Kyung Hoon – Sweet Dream a love triangle including Kyunghoon’s one-sided love for Heechul

Planet Shiver & Crush – Rainbow an anti-discrimination song

CoCoSoRi – Mi Amor the kiss at the end, otherwise pretty het

SVT JUN & THE8 – My I in the realms of fanservice, male duet song and performance

U-KISS – Quit Playing threesome scene including 2 men (Kiseop & Hoon) and 1 woman

Kangta (H.O.T) – Polaris deals with gender identity

Super Junior D&E – Still You, I Wanna Love You, etc. In Still You Donghae and Eunhyuk find each other, “bromance” or just plain gay vibes. I Wanna Love You could be a gay duet or not. Most releases from these guys are lowkey gay so.

Jo Kwon – Animal a gay diva delivering a gay bop

Beenzino – How Do I Look? has a couple scenes (not many) where gay men/couple are depicted

Bebop & Humming Urban Stereo – MAEM MAEM looks like they are on a date

WJSN – Secret some minor gay vibes, gay staring, hand holding etc.

9Muses A – Lip 2 Lip an almost kiss (in a pretty het mv)

9Muses – Wild, Sleepless Night Wild has fanservice based touching plus vibes. Meanwhile Sleepless Night has a scene which heavily implies lesbian sex

History – Psycho yet again fanservice based touching plus those gay vibes

Luizy – Baby Ride feat. Hyunsik of BTOB just two bros being bros on their bro date y’know

Uhm Jung Hwa – Dreamer, Watch Me Move, Ending Credit, House Mix Performance, etc. QUEEN OF THE GAYS

HA:TFELT (Yeeun of Wonder Girls) – Truth shows a lesbian couple

Jo Sung Mo – Immortal Love depicts a heartbreaking secret gay relationship

Z.Hera – D Island depicts a powerful interracial lesbian love story

Yuri & Raiden – Always Find You fight me this is lesbian af as long as you cut out the last 3 seconds

MISS $ – Just Let Me Live feat. Skull complex love triangles, and possessive love, with plenty of lesbian themes

Chaness – SeSeSe dark mv with lesbians doing what they can to be together

Lee Jung Hyun – Michyeo Lee Jung Hyun becomes crazed when she learns of her boyfriend’s affair with another man

Homme – Still Eating Well it’s a bit of a stretch but 2 dudes and 1 girl scenario, dedicated to more of the “bro” time than the hetero plot

Lady – Attention, Lady’s Night A girl group made up of transgender women (Sinae, Sahara, Binu and Yuna)

Shinhwa – This Love a massive stretch but voguing is gay culture so we can’t ignore that, plus the use male back up dancers is… interesting

Kim DongHee – I Feel Like I’m Dying Lesbian storyline

Seo In Young – Scream (19 Ver.) there’s some gayish scenes in there, nothing major

Aoora – Body Talk, grab or bite, heartfreak, etc. he tries to pretend his stuff isn’t gay but he isn’t that good at it tbh. it’s pretty transparent how gay everything is even if he does include shots of boobs. he could be bi???

May Doni - Molla Ing feat. 2AM has some gay scenes

Cheetah – My Number Includes a male dance team which are very femme, or are drag queens (?? If someone knows please tell me)

Yu Mei – Suddenly cute lesbian love

Risso – OMG cute lesbian couple

Luna – Free Somebody not necessarily gay but you can understand lyrically how this connected to the lgbt community in korea and how it is now one of their staples at pride

f(x) – Chu, Pink Tape Art Film In Chu Krystal wears a marriage equality shirt that says ‘Legalise Gay’. Pink Tape Art Film has light lesbian themes. Amber in general defies female gender roles in both western and eastern cultures.

진주 – 미로 Feat. 엄지원 & TBNY a lesbian storyline

Gangkiz – Honey Honey a girl gang run amuck being troublesome and having the times of their lives. Has possible lesbian themes.

UP10TION – Attention some gay fanservice choreography

Sweet Boy – I LUV HER feat. NUVO This falls into the category of men objectifying females and lesbians, an almost kiss

Stellarjet – Guiding Light the main character spies on her neighbour and falls for her

Brown Classics - Nostalgia Feat. Yozoh & Eric has a gay storyline

Rainbow Blaxx – Cha Cha minor lesbian themes with skinship and fanservice

Epitone Project – Hate a delicate lesbian love story

4Men – First Kiss The female character is devasted when the man she loves falls for another man

toheart (Key of SHINee and Woohyun of Infinite) – Delicious Key and Woohyun might think they are trying to win over the same gal but in reality they are winning each other over

Taemin – Move I was struggling whether to put him on the list as he is lowkey a gay icon eg. Move where he finally threw off the shackles of gender based choreography and fully embraced his androgyny. he has plenty of songs and performances that all exist in this realm of androgyny, and a lot of his discography, both Korean and Japanese, could be gay but it could also be straight, it’s very easy to interpret whichever way, which I do think is intentional. (please refer to Ten’s section further down where I share my conflicting feelings about referring to people like Taemin as a gay icon if you are interested)

Seeya – Shoes, Crazy Love Song heavy drama plot with lesbian themes, the mvs are connected

Park Jungmin (SS501) – Not Alone an anti-discrimination bop and includes a drag queen

Pentagon – Critical Beauty All the members are coupled up, and there’s a very questionable scene with e.dawn and a banana. A small mention of their mvs ‘Like This’ and ‘Runaway’ which has some very minor scenes of guys together but it’s very ambiguous and a major stretch to even label it as fanservice.

CS Numbers – Cry Out With My Heart two girls go on a road trip

Bumkey – Bad Girl The female character keeps on flirting with the male character but in the end it turns out he’s into guys

4minute – Whatcha Doin’ Today? Jihyun may have accidently made two guys go from fighting each other to kissing each other, not to mention Gayoon has some lesbian vibes throughout the mv

i11evn – Porn Star  Feat. Suprema in the lyrics he talks about being bi (watch out for Suprema using, rather seemingly misusing the dreaded term “no homo”)

Gain (Brown Eyed Girls) – Two Women some interpret this song to have lesbian themes

Infinite Flow – Rainbow Feat. Kim Jong Wan of Nell the lyrics depict the depression and desperation of being gay in korea (sidenote: a personal favourite of mine that I discovered years and years ago and it still has a very emotional effect on me)

Dynamic Duo – Heartbreaker Feat. Kim Jong Wan of Nell the anger and sadness of struggling with homosexuality in korea in the lyrics, the mv’s plot ignores the song’s meaning

Epik High - AMOR FATI Feat. Kim Jong Wan of Nell In the very words of Tablo “I wrote 'Amor Fati' for people who are mistreated because they were born the way they are.”

IU – Peach, Red Queen, Everyone has Secrets feat. Gain of Brown Eyed Girls Peach was written in dedication to former f(x) member Sulli. Red Queen’s lyrics also romanticise a girl and it is said to yet again be about Sulli. The lyrics of Everyone has secrets can be very relatable to the lgbt community.

Nam Tae Hyun (Winner) – I’m Young a love song where the lyrics only mention a masculine pronoun

2YOON – Why Not these lyrics can be interpreted as gay

EXO – Playboy, They Never Know The lyrics of Playboy make more sense when you interpret as a secret gay relationship. The live performances of this is the opposite of heterosexuality. (note: Jonghyun wrote Playboy). In They Never Know the lyrics have moments like “Love is Blind” and discussion an unconventional love, it is widely accepted to have a strong gay theme. Also special mention to their 2017 winter album “Universe” for being completely 100% gender neutral

Oh My Girl – Knock Knock Girls singing about girls

Black Nut – Beenzino Black Nut takes his fanboying for Beenzino to the next level

Jonghyun – 02:34, Monodrama, Cocktail, most of these songs have light gay themes, and make more sense when interpreted as gay. You delve even deeper into his discography and interpret them in a gay light.

Gain & Minseo - Imi Oneun Sori (The Footsteps of My Dear Love) From the OST of the Korean film The Handmaiden, which itself has lesbian themes.

NCT’s Ten - Dream in a Dream This is a bit of a reach but the inclusion of Lucas in some of the scenes of this MV is an interesting choice. Also I would like to give a shout out to NCT U (Ten & Taeyong) - Baby Don’t Stop, for being a lowkey gay tune even if nothing about it can be pointed out as explicitly gay. He has released a song called New Heroes, which lyrically talks about standing up for what you believe in and working hard to get successful whilst facing adversary, which is a great message, but with Ten’s almost meme-like status of being a “confident gay” (despite not actually being out) this song has definitely made a lot of people claim it as gay anthem, make of it as you will (I feel conflicted about this; 1. he’s not standing up for the gays as a gay person if he isn’t out and people shouldn’t pressure him to do so, especially when he is a foreigner in s.korea; 2. it’s all well and good to quietly within the fanbase to joke about confident/panicked gays, or gay icons, but it can go too far, especially when it becomes their branding and only personality trait to both fans and the broader (western) kpop fanbase. these issues also apply to many like Sunmi and Taemin.)

Twice - What is Love? The girls take turns in depicting and parodying famous cinematic couples, so fanservice based crossdressing and gayness.

and hopefully plenty more to come ~

[welcometoouranarchyhole]

so on saturday i had a kinda eventful day like to start i saw my good old friend at barnes and nobles during my break and we were catching up and talking about our lives 

during out talk she was telling me stories abt her awful AP physics teacher and me and her were cracking up omg it was so funny and thats what imma talk about rn

like this guy- for starters i just assumed hes like very awkward and shit like that bc the way my friend was wording this made him sound so awkward 

okay to start this physics teacher literally does not have a teaching NOR a physics degree- he was hired because my friends catholic school was desperate

his degree is w mechanical science ? and he just graduated from college a year from when he started to teach my friends class LOL

1. some stories she told me: one time he was reading this long physics thing, and he was trying to simplify what was being told in the packet by saying the word ‘bitch-slapped’. then a kid literally snitched on him (who snitches at this age like fr) so the higher ups of the school literally made him say an apology in front of the class- and when he did it was so monotone and awkward like the kids obviously didnt care but yeah-

2. context;my friend is the president of the creative writing club, so her physics teacher asked her to confirm if she was the president. my friend then said yes, so then the physics teacher randomly just handed my friend a packet of some fantasy story of his (without asking) so she can give advice that she never agreed on giving—

3. then my friend read it (and told me it was okay) but the NEXT day he hands her a packet of his writing (still without asking) for her to read. this one was a ‘non fictional’ story which was literally about his terrible love life and his breakup with his ex girlfriend and how he thinks he will never find love and wasnt meant to be loved—

ok but bro ik this is sad and all but when my friend told me this me and her were DYINGGG in the barnes and nobles because literally what teacher reveals this amount of his personal life to some random student he doesnt know LOLL

so yeah my friend finally gave him his packets back (not because she finished with them, but because its unprofessional and awkward)

4. there was a time that a boy in the class (indian, and this is for context) told another girl (also indian) to go back to India. of course i know theyre both indian but i think it was rude in that moment because i dont think they were friends yknow- so yeah the physics teachers overheres and, respectively, was like “hey dont say stuff like that blah blah blah”.

5. so the next day comes to which he announces to the class that he has something to say about the incident.. mind you, the girl yesterday literally says, “no its okay, we already made up he apologized,” but the teacher was like “no i already had this speech prepared the day before,”. and so he had said his whole speech thing which was rlly awkward or something

6. then he started to tie it in with his own life and starting to talk about himself saying he was asexual because he hadnt been in a relationship (or because he thought no one would be in a relationship...? idkidk)... but like thats not even what asexual means so i couldnt even imagine how all the kids were reacting LOL

7. “i may not know physics but i want you guys to at least leave here with life advice” 

8. there was a time where he literally didnt show up to class for a good 15 minutes. the students were waiting for this man for that whole period of time wondering where the hell he is.... then when a student was like “im going to go to the office to tell them thats there no teacher,” this guy literally sppears from UNDER THE DESK and was like “no im here haha dont worry” ??????

9. no one knew if he was trying to make the class laugh or something but everyone was like ‘yo why did u do that’. like no one was laughing at all it was just awkward. he then proceeded to act like nothing happened after

10. end of the year and he ended getting fired

[seddm]

Is Another Mystery hit me really hard, as someone who was brought up in a fairly non-POC country and eventually emigrated to the country my parents had originally immigrated from. Like I get the monsters. I was the monsters, except lucky enough to have 1 more country to call home. And I get Tom, but also wanted to punch him in the face. Yes, things are hopefully changing for the better. Yes, maybe it's the braver, more practical thing to stick around. But not everyone can keep that up. (1/4)

Like, not everyone can keep dealing w/ being harassed and belittled day-in-day-out, all while trying to be like, Stepford-Smiler levels of ABNORMALLY pleasant in the face of all of that shit bc, as Cyborg from Teen Titans put it, "He's calling you a terrible name. And you know that if you punched him out, it'll just confirm all the bad stuff he thinks about you." Keeping that up is TIRING. And sometimes, it gets to the point where you just go "You know what? I don't have to take this." (2/4)And yh, it's sad to leave where you grew up & go somewhere that's almost as alienating, bc sure, now you fit in visually, but your accent is off, you're not as familiar w/ the culture, etc. But it's also liberating, bc at least everyone there treats you like a person. Idk, it's just- sometimes ppl just have enough and leave and they should be allowed to do that. They have that right. I feel like they didn't give the monsters enough of a voice on that beyond "we need more than words". (3/4)I do respect how they recognized that ppl can just get fed up and leave tho. I just wish they'd have portrayed it less like the monsters were wrong for "giving up" (tho maybe I'm just disappointed at no toms/tar breakup lol). One thing I did love was how they didn't foreshadow the move, bc that's what racism is like. You may not feel it or see it, but other people experience it every day, over and over again, and by the time you realize something's up, they've already packed their bags. (4/4)   

I’m sorry for your experience, and thanks for this very personal take on the episode, surely similar ideas and, maybe, experiences, influenced the writers and boarders’ decisions. You’re right, maybe they didn’t leave the monsters enough time to voice their reasons, but I don’t think they wanted to make it seem like they were in the wrong either, it’s just that Star, being the main character, needed some confrontation, a sort of payoff, to avoid falling into depression, feeling like even her closest monster friend doesn't trust her enough. But ultimately I think the episode wanted to imply that no one was wrong, and that the monster had their rights to move as much as Star has the right to hope for a better future, and persevere in her efforts for it.

[countdownto65]

Empathy for Self

What is the nemesis of shame? Empathy.

What is the root of most of your shame? Attention seeking, codependentcy and sexual misconduct.

Empathy. You were the oldest in the family fighting for parental attention against two babies.

You hit puberty early. This was a 2 fold problem. You started getting attention furthering the tight shirts but in turn Everyone in 4th grade started calling you a ho. You had never even kissed a boy. You were not a ho and kids are fucking mean.

But you know who else’s attention you got by having boobs, dressing in body suits and seeking attention at 11 years old? A fucking pedophile. While your behavior made you an easy target, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SEXUALLY EXPLOITED AT 12, 13, 14, OR 15 YEARS OLD. Did you fuckin get that? No matter what your actions it was not your fault they targeted you. Even if you agreed to it at 13, 14, 15 you can leave that self blame right here bc that was their bad NOT YOURS. This is where you learned sex = attention, power, control. They would buy you stuff, get you high and drunk, make you feel like the best person they know all (not explicitly stated) for sexual behavior. I learned a skewed view on relationships and appropriate sexual behavior in adult married behavior. I learned to emotionally detach from sex. I learned to over ride the “this shit ain’t right” feeling you get in your chest when you are uncomfortable in a situation. All of these things are what set your boundaries and your very left field view of what kind of attention makes you feel worthwild. This was not your fault and sometimes life has shitty things happen that effect our outlook forever.

So it sure was easy to sleep with boyfriends, I mean you “loved” them, they were always older, sex was something that didn’t come from everybody so with my sexual skills I learned from the pedophiles I was the best gf a 16 year old could have. And bc I could so easily separate sex from emotion (as a conditioned response to molestation) and it was a way to get boys I liked to notice me, I gave it up easily. Not necessarily sex, but sexual acts. It was one way I felt power and control. Boys treated me special on the surface bc I was pretty with tight clothes…but I failed to realize the power was momentary at the cost of respect. Both self respect and respect of everyone else. This was when my first experience with the fuck and run type of dude came in. The first time I cared. After that I didn’t at least I told myself I didn't but This was when I began codependency. They didn’t always fuck and run. I was good at getting boys to stick around for a while. I was a serial dater. I had to have a significant other to feel worth so I had too many boyfriends. Always one on hand one on the backburner. This was you reaching out for real connection, something you felt had been missing both with your parents, your abusers and your random sexual encounters. When I had a bf I was faithful. I know that sounds fucked up bc I just said I had a backburner but I was never sleeping with this other guy. I just friend zoned him knowing he liked me so I could establish my safety net. So one day at 17 Ieft home, went to a house party, hooked up with the guy who’s house it was (Matt) and that was the start of my first adult relationship. I loved him from the bottom of my toes but he often cheated on me and I never left him for it. It was at this time that I severed my relationship with my abusers. I was old enough to at least have an inkling something wasn’t right, plus now I considered it cheating and I didn’t cheat on him. He started selling drugs. We both got into cocaine. It was easy bc I dated the dopeman.

Then he went to prison. I continued the relationship with him but continued to date/sleep with men while he was away. This was when I caught an std and began stripping on weekends. This is still caused by poor boundaries and a skewed idea of sex and power… Set in motion by sexual abuse. By now I had slowed way down on cocaine but had a huge weed and alcohol habit. I worked at a catholic preschool during the week but stripped to pay for my substances on Sat nights. This set off a little bit of the uncomfortable double life feeling but I pushed it down. I also hustled people for substances. Although I never slept with anyone for money or drugs. But I def made them think I might so they would get me high. Never felt bad either bc if your a dude willing to be got you deserved to get hustled…that was my mindset. I also saw stripping as a hustle. Hustle to me means fuck with a lame walk with a limp. I mean if your gonna be thirsty I’ll take your money. This is probably when I acquired my mindset that most dudes were creeps and out to get me. I realize now that by appearing easy I was literally attracting creeps but at the time I enjoyed the attention and the feeling of superiority and has a huge sample of men to confirm my bias.

Every now and then though I got tricked out of my hard exterior and caught feelings. This is my deep emotional need for connection, to feel worth while. This is where I met my daughters father. He was a giant red flag but problem with bad boundaries and emotional regulation is if I liked you I would ignore red flags and become overly obsessed with you. This has continued to be a problem throughout adulthood.

Anyways I dated Tony until He went to prison, then Matt got out of prison until we broke up, then Tony got out of prison and we has Olivia. Then Tony went back to prison and I met Jason, I left Jason when Tony got out of prison but when Tony and I broke up I went back to Jason and we had Leah. Are you seeing the boomerang effect of codependentcy and back burner relationships. One stable relationship was not enough.

I wanted Jason to be different. To be a family but unfortunately Jason turned out to be very abusive mentally, physically and emotionally. He was an alcoholic and a mean one. But for some reason I loved him and let him stomp on me over and over. He took my confidence. He took my pride. He took my soul. I tried to break up with him 30 times he would say no and just wouldn’t leave. I was faithful to him until I moved out into subsidised housing. But even then I didn’t have multiple men just one man that to this day I love. This guy put up with being #2 for 2 years on and off. Maybe he knew I loved him, maybe he knew that I was stuck with Jason, maybe he knew I needed to feel wanted and worthy. During this I felt guilty and shameful. I eventually bought a house and moved Jason in. That is when this other guy got a new gf and left me alone. It was like mourning a breakup that I couldn’t tell anyone. Eventually I legally evicted Jason and this left me with a self worth and connection black hole.

I acted out for a minute on my usual single m.o.. Then an old friend from middle school came in. He was different then others in that he was genuinely nice and cared for my well being. Unfortunately he also came with a huge dose of depression leading to at the time an inability to keep a job or help with housework. But I stayed with him on and off for the next few years bc I loved him for his emotional support and that he made me feel worthy. Plus it was safe. As a woman in her 30s, I am at the point that if I’m in a relationship I don’t cheat or scope out new guys or have a backburner. It kept me emotionally reeled in. But bc of my trust issues, bc of my lack of feeling worthy, bc of my resentment for him watching me struggle, and bc of my need for excitement or passion (see drama) I couldn’t be with him forever. Even after he got better and held a job and helped my brain short circuits and told me that our lack of connection was insurmountable. I broke his heart and he did nothing wrong. I am just still searching for that lasting “in love” connection that I am not sure exists. I harbor huge guilt here. Both for his feelings and for what could be wrong with me that I left what I said I wanted. That maybe my brain will never let me really love. My only empathy here is that I am working on my shit and all I can do is that.

Every time in my adult life when I have been unhappy in a relationship I’ve left instead of fixing. I have searched out attention through suggestive facebook posts or selfies or sexting. I have been emotionally raw towards men. I had a shitty attitude toward relationships. Anytime that I was single or had freedom I either had a fuck buddy that I didn’t feel anything for or sometimes I would make a strong connection and go all in. I would rush it sexually (again not necessarily full sex but messing around for sure) and more times then not I get played. Within 2 weeks after they no longer answer my texts or calls. This is the shit adult shame is built from. How can you be so blind and stupid? Why can’t you be stable and happy? But here is where I need an empathy piece. Your sexuality was already not healthy then Jason stripped you of any self worth. He often told you no one could ever love me bc I was such a low down terrible person, a piece of shit mother, a whore. Six years of that and you begin to believe it. So if a man comes along and sells you a dream of being loveable its hard not to want with all your heart to believe them. And sexuality is my only tool I know for reeling them in. But when things get too serious I start getting scared of being broken or having to work on things that historically haven’t worked or old scars become obsessions.

I am at a point in my life now that I want to change but Tbh I don’t know how. I want to regain respect for myself and I would like to change peoples opinion of me or better yet not care. This has sent me into a major mental health crisis. I want to know how to reel it in and gain respect while still being true to myself. I still yearn for spark, sex and connection but I want to do it healthily. I want to take the emotional polarization and shame out of sex. Instead of not caring at all or being a crazy obsessive smothering weirdo and throwing myself at someone then feeling like an idiot for falling so hard. So maybe dates in public, counting actions over words and putting time in between the spark and the sex.

I am still struggling with what to do about social media. I mean I need to chill on the provocative selfies, attention seeking posts, and entertaining anyone that messages me… but I still like to be noticed. I want to post selfies and I think dirty memes are funny. Anyway this is long. I am still figuring shit out. And I can’t just look at empathy without taking inventory of what I could have done differently. But this post is empathy and it did help take off a small piece of that shame.

(*when I say act out sexually I don't mean I've had hundreds of partners but rather I have been quick to sexually experiment but I have also developed a "stop point". Don't get it too twisted.)

[hellagoodhaylor]

Ok, this will be another master post so could you do that copy and paste thing and if I run out of room and submissions just wait to post until I say POST because this will be long but good. Harry says a girl who he had a recent relationship with who had also affected him in the past couple of years has influenced a large part of his album. Now, we know the most recent relationship Harry was in was with Kendall as in the BBC interview, Harry says he hasn't dated since the beginning of February

"2)of 2016 (around the time Hendall broke up). Kendall would also fit the description as they were involved in 2013/14 and they have been friends throughout the years. But the problem is, I don't think Harry and Kendall were that much in love. And I'm not saying this because I ship Haylor but because if they were then basically every piece of Haylor proof from 2014 onwards wouldn't make sense. So I'll start in 2013 after Haylor had broken up. We have Harry and Taylor breakup but then have a small3)reunion (possibly only for hookups) in January 2013 in Cannes where they are together. They specifically aren't seen together because they don't want the public to know and articles are written about them. Then they cool off at the Brits (they are seen flirting and possibly hooking up with other people). But, by April, we have Harry missing Taylor as the boys tease him in Little Things. Throughout the rest of 2013, we have little hints of Harry missing Taylor such as assuming an interviewer4)was talking about Taylor's perfume, the VMAs, Harry's friend tweeting him WANEGBT lyrics and he says please??, and then comes November. Harry and Kendall are seen together for the first time and it can be assumed their relationship started around then. However, Harry also says in an interview (regarding exes and Taylor) that sometimes if you have feelings for an ex, it's ok to get back together with them. We also have MM come out which has Happily which Harry said he wrote about a relationship5)in which your ex is with someone else and you want them back (could be about Tay bc she said in style that she tried to get over harry with other guys but couldn't). Also about not caring what others say (the main cause of their breakup). By Taylor's birthday, Harry tweets the Winding Wheel lyrics (while dating Kendall) on Taylor's birthday as well as posts the Cannes sunset picture. While this is going on, not only is Harry dating Kendall, but he is also hanging out with Ed, Taylor, Courtney6)Cox, and Johnny McCaid in Cox's Malibu house (Courtney followed them all on the same day and she said it was really fun passing beer around and playing the guitar and this continues throughout Hendall 1.0). Gemma also hints that Harry may not like Kendall as much as everyone thinks as she tweets "trust me, Harry is putting his arm around Kendall [at the Eagles concert] to strangle her". Then in February, Taylor writes 1989 with Style being the last song she writes. Although people think7)were little more than a crush then and certainly not hooking up. Also Taylor implies that they were on and off more than once, so now would fit the timeline. This is just a theory, but I think maybe in January (detail about the man in styles is taking off his coat implying winter) Harry gave Taylor a ride home from hanging out with Ed and them and they hooked up (while he was dating Kendall yikes). We also have Taylor writing IWYW about Harry telling her that whole thing and he probably told8)her at this time because they were friends. It would also make sense that Harry gave Taylor a ride home then because they had houses really close to each other. Then Kendall and Harry breakup seemingly amicably at the end of February except Kendall likes a post saying boys are mean and to eat vegetables do squats and wear red lipstick. Also in Feb/Jan of 2014, we have Harry pinning a post on his old Pinterest (it doesn't exist anymore) about how beautiful and "vocally aweing" Taylor's10)performance of ATW at the Grammys was and how Red deserved a Grammy (thx Harry finally someone said it). Also, a fan sends him a direct with a picture of Taylor and he opens it. Anyway, Hendall breaks up and Harry, in the following month (March 2014 and throughout the rest of 2014) writes a string of songs that are almost positively about Taylor (I Love You, WDBHG, Just a Little Bit of Your Heart, Someday Maybe, Not Our Fault). Also, Harry gives I Love You to Alex and Sierra under his pen name11)which is important because at this same time, Alex and Sierra are hanging out with Taylor because Sierra posts a picture of Taylor's cat. Also, in that interview Alex and Sierra not only say that whoever wrote I Love You not only had a fling with Taylor but was also really good friends. We know for certain that throughout 2014, Harry and Taylor were friends as not only did this all happen, but Taylor also said she was "really close friends" with the person who 1989 was about in interviews as12)well as the secret sessions. It is also important to note that Harry wrote it secretly and then, when a fan met Ariana Grande recently (this may be a troll) Ariana said JALBOYH was about a secret lover of Harry's and then when another fan asked if it was Taylor she winked (COULD TAYLOR AND HARRY HAVE BEEN SECRETLY DATING IN 2014/HOOKING UP IN SECRET AS THE MEDIA WAS TOO MUCH FOR PUBLIC?). We all know what happens in 2015 but my point is this: if Hendall was that influential in 2014 none of13)this would have happened and if it was, then all of this haylor proof couldn't be true. The Hendall relationship resulted in single Kendall and Harry and Harry and Taylor writing tons of love songs about one another. If Harry really loves Kendall (and this was his longest relationship with her) then he wouldn't have hung out with ed and Taylor, wouldn't have hooked up with Taylor as style says, wouldn't have posted winding wheel lyrics, wouldn't have said he wanted to get back together with14)an ex, wouldn't have pinned a tweet about her brilliance, wouldn't have opened that direct, and overall, wouldn't have been involved with another girl (particularly his ex) while he had a girlfriend. From that relationship all we can conclude is that Harry and Taylor hooked up/were friends in 2014 and wrote songs about one another-they still had feelings for one another but one of them (Taylor) didn't want to go on). Ok, so that was the most serious Hendall round and it had little impact on15)Harry. Now for the yacht. We already knew they were friends in 2015. Can I mention though that even when they were friends then, they didn't have some secret love as who did Harry write MITAM about? Yeah not Kendall, even though he could have if she meant that much to him. So Taylor was with Calvin and we have Harry inviting Cara and Kendall to a 1D concert and then they went on the yacht and I will say they were definitely more than friends but we also have to remember that Harry signed his16)deal on the yacht and it just so happens Kendall is friends with all of those people. Ok, then by the end of January, they aren't together anymore and what does Harry do? He thinks about Taylor just as he did in 2014. He tweets 22 lyrics on his bday as well as likes an insta pic from Paige reifler. He also tweets a lyrics by Norah Jones from "Come Away With Me" about wanting a lover you can't have or want to come away to a secret place). Also, if you believe all of the hscox94/Spotify account17)account stuff, there are subtl haylor vibes. The point being: he is single. And did he have to be single, no because he didn't go away to film Dunkirk for another month or so. Then after the pictures are leaked, Harry and Kendall are seen shopping together in LA in April. Not a reunion, but simply proves they are friends-always have been probably always will be. Then, come September after Harry contributes some Haylor-like vibes to Another Man Magazine (possibly a reach but that poem and the18)Stevie Nicks thing), Kendall and Harry are seen getting lunch in LA, but Harry's team immediately confirms that they are only friends. Then it's nothing until November, when Harry, as a friend, is invited to her bday party and they take a picture together, but more importantly, a picture is taken of Kendall making out with someone with Harry right next to them on his phone. Then on New Years Kendall is seen kissing ASAP Rocky or some other guy and then they avoid each other at the KOL concert19)Since then, nothing. My point about this is: they are friends. This shouldn't come as a surprise since they have many mutual friends, and split amicably both times around, and go to each other's bday parties. Kendall is not at his 23rd though. Ok, now this is really recent, but Kendall basically confirmed she is having a friends-with-benefits type of thing with ASAP Rocky in her Harpers Bazaar article (everyone kind of suspected this already, they were seen at Coachella all touchy, and out an20)about in London--note she wasn't with Harry who was in London at the time but with ASAP). So once again, my point is they are friends. Harry may not love Taylor anymore, but it certainly wouldn't make very much sense if the girl who influenced a huge part of his album was Kendall. In 2014, he was fine cheating on her and breaking up, in 2016, he was fine ending their relationship from the yacht and being friends, and in 2016/17 he is fine seeing her kiss other guys at her party and although21)are friends, things might still be icy as they didn't talk during KOL concert. I do think, since they split amicably and are still friends, that they might/are up to getting back together in that sort of friend-like way (Harry even says he has a couple of flames left in the BBC radio--and I think Kendall is one of them). I just think that the way Harry spoke about this girl in Rolling Stones, it just doesn't fit to him and Kendall. He even said he wanted to give whomever not only a tip of the21)but the whole cap and do you really think that girl is the same girl he had no problem watching kiss some other guy or didn't talk to at a concert? If he did, I support him 100% and although I love Haylor, if it is about Hendall, that's fine as long as he is happy. Besides the point of his music-of all music- is not to speculate but to listen and enjoy. So I did this for some fun I know I'm a loser but ultimately whoever it's about it doesn't matter because I will be buying and listening POST"BLESS YOU FOR TYPING ALL OF THIS OUT AND SENDING IT TO ME! I don't even know what to say except DAMN IT I MISS HAYLOR.