#i have a masters degree and 2 years experience how is there nothing that wouldn't require taking a pay cut from my already modest salary

[jakeperalta]

thinking about how I went with the "do something you enjoy not just something well paid" path when choosing my degree but now I've ended up with dire career prospects and a job that is neither enjoyable nor well paid

[ducksbuttocks]

should i just specialize in geotechnical engineering be honest

[late-moonie-thoughts]

Moonie Diary 004

This week started off with this confusion I've had for months, which is the issue of being free whilst in a relationship. Many times when I'd think of my SP, I'd think about how he said he likes girls who are introverted and stay home a lot. I'm 50/50, where I like being out, but I also love being home. And then I wanna learn dance and dance with my partner, so obviously him. I don't want to put that on him because I don't know if it's his thing. I want to travel and eventually spend 2 years abroad doing a master's degree or something, and I don't know how he'd feel about that. I enjoy having my own life, but of course, my boyfriend will be important. I was worried that my desire for all these other areas of my life would trump what he'd want and we wouldn't work. At one point I heard my shitty ex telling me that my desire for freedom (travel, exploration, learning, new experiences, etc) was too much. Like I wanted too much.

My method to dealing with this hell was doing the things I wanted, and reminding myself that I'm loveable as I am. By practicing the life I want, I think it would be easier to transition into a relationship because I won't be holding myself back. And eventually, it simmered down in my head. But when I say I started doing the things I wanted, I mean that. I affirmed for money and the transfer just has to clear to reach my account. I affirmed that I have wonderful friends who love and adore me and they called me. One took me out and we had a cute errand day.

I also realized that even if I waver, or don't affirm for a day, I can continue affirming like nothing happened and I'll still get what I want. So I don't hold it against myself when I wavered, or haven't affirmed for a little while. I think I don't need to be super hard on myself because then I tend to spiral, but if I just get back on it and continue like nothing happened, there's really no time to spiral anyway. What am I spiraling about anyway? Oh no, I'm running out of time. No, I'm not. Omg if he takes too long to fall in love with me, the 3p will get him. Idgaf what's going on with them. They can't stand each other and he really likes me.

I think the fears I had about a lot of things before have dissipated because circumstances really don't matter. Once you keep focusing on what you what, it will eventually show up in your reality, even if your current reality is shitty. I think this is what resilience is. Continue when shit's hard or you can't see the end externally. It's not to say that this week didn't have its moments. I could have spiraled about the fact that I don't have a job right now, and nowhere I could see that I could get money. I could have spiraled about how I don't think I'm good enough for my SP, or that the 3p was one of the girls one of my previous crushes ended dating - but for fuck's sake, I'm trying to live the life of my dreams and I am not letting stupid little things that don't matter get to me.

I will say though, that despite having low moments, it's important to express your feelings, but not necessarily to other people, which is what I did today and I don't feel super good about it, because it feels like it's cementing in my head exactly what I don't want. Not gonna rehash it because I really don't want to keep telling myself exactly what I want. I don't think it was cute, I'm upset about it, and I don't think that's how I should treat myself. Why am I reaffirming exactly what I don't want to someone else? I kept it private from pretty much everyone because I want to talk about it only when it is exactly what I want it to be. Also, it helps me get over shitty things faster. I can manage, but I sometimes need to feel my feels first you know?

But I'm really proud of myself for affirming regardless of progress being seen because it's really gratifying knowing I did that when I get what I want. That and just getting what I want has been fun.

Song of the week: Setsunakutemo... Zutto - Hayashi Nobutsushi (Tasuki from Fushigi Yuugi)

Manifestations this week: $150 from my sister for doing minor edits on a work document. I affirmed I was getting money again, and then it ran through my mind that she likes to ask me for admin help, so I affirmed it a few times and she sent the money this morning. My friends called me out of the blue, and one of them took me out, and bought me a bunch of skincare, a pair of jeans, and undies.

[lynnedwardswrites]

I'm on my way to a retreat my writing group holds every 6 months. There are half a dozen of us that I'd consider the "core" group members, and maybe 3 times that many any given month on their way in or out or showing their face once in a blue moon. It's a pretty chill group, all in all, with vibes that range from "I have a master's degree and 25 years of experience" to "I wouldn't show you my work even if I had written anything lol."

The unifying factor here seems to be a casual, hobbyist writer vibe with the occasional dream of publishing, often held back by time constraints, insecurity, or just... not actually being motivated enough to write except as an escapist hobby. Which is all good and fine, don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against hobby writers. They make great art and great friends

Except then there's me.

I'm over here writing 4-6 hours a day, 4-5 days a week, 2 years running with one story, The Story, foaming out my mouth. I'm writing because The Story is nipping at my heels and if I don't keep moving it'll consume me. I'm writing because My Story is tearing its way out of me in a wash of blood like a newborn child, The Child, The Chosen One with a destiny and a life of its own that I have power only to birth and release.

It's an incredibly egotistical way to view (and present!) my own work but I don't care because the above drama accurately represents how I experience it and how important it feels to me. I've got years and years of development left, on the thing itself and my skill as a writer, but that time doesn't matter because The Story Has To Be Told.

*The writer is huffing. She pulls back a little, with an apologetic smile for getting so intense.*

Anyway, I don't think my writing group realizes that I'm working on a different plane of existence, either. They make comments like "yeah because none of us like showing our writing haha" when I'm over here very carefully measuring how often I share my work so I don't accidentally dominate the group, but still get maximum feedback utility from every piece I share. They're over here making sure the kids who don't actually write still have a fun time at the retreat, and I'm trying to figure out how to warp every prompt and speed write into an opportunity to make progress on my wip.

And... and I guess I'm lonely??? So lonely I'm screaming all this into the void on the hellsite, just desperately hoping for One. Other. Person. who will get it. Who will squeeze my blood-covered fingers in a way that squelches because theirs are dirty, too. If you know that person, if you are that person, show your face! Take my hand! Write me something as brave and messy and indecent as this self-absorbed internet gesticulation. And if you're not them, help me find them??? I need them??? The other side of my coin, the one who writes the same way but from the other side of some fence???

If I was half the expert I need to be, I could probably pull up some frenemy trope historical duo to get you the vibe I'm looking for, but instead it's just a very chaotic HELP.

[pinkresin]

Writing about writing

So this is my first blog in what I hope will be one of many. Apparently you're not a real writer unless you have a blog and after a strange few months of soul searching I decided it's time to get serious. So here we are...

A little about me (I don't really know who reads these things but at least I'm writing, right). I'm 39, married to a lovely man called Gav. We have 3 children, 22, 18 and 14. Awful ages, teenagers are horrendous. Our oldest daughter has now left home and we now have a 2 year old granddaughter. Life for me has been done the opposite way around. We married and had children young and I am now in the position to be thinking about my career. I am about to start my 3rd year of a degree in English Literature and Creative Writing with the Open University. I have thoroughly enjoyed the creative writing side of the course not so much the literature, but I have learned a lot of valuable skills. I work 3 days a week in Asda as a home shopping picker. I hate it but it's paying the bills (almost!) until I finish my degree.

Last month we all got the dreaded Covid. We thought, after 2 years we had escaped it, but it caught up with us, big style. My husband and son (who also work at Asda) were told to go to work as normal. It is no longer necessary to isolate and they wouldn't be paid for doing so. They had to wear a mask and wash their hands regularly but were still required to work. We had mixed feelings about this, especially as my son has a medical condition, but there are four of us living at home and quite frankly, we couldn't afford to be without the income. I was really, really poorly and spent almost a fortnight in bed. At one point I googled funeral directors as I thought this was surely the end, I have never felt so ill! After 2 and a half weeks off work, I finally started to feel more human again thankfully; but found that the longer I was off work, the less I wanted to return. This was only ever supposed to be a temporary job for a couple of months anyway. The plan was to apply for writing jobs/ internships where I could gain some work experience and then leave. Nine months later and I am no further on- so it was time for a kick up the proverbial arse.

I signed up with a careers program and a lovely man called Roger is now my coach. We have gone back to basics and he suggested that a blog is the place to start while we look into options. I am leaning towards screenwriting and even considering this as a Masters when I have finished at uni. I have completed a short, 2 week course in screenwriting as part of the careers coaching and have compiled my years of scribbled notes, emails and texts to myself with writing prompts, into material I can write about. I have also been to the library and borrowed some books on this. I forgot how much I love the library. We live out in the sticks so it is only a small branch but still just as magical. One of my favourite childhood memories is when we used to live in Bradford and my siblings and I would visit their huge library over the summer holidays. Nothing is more satisfying than shelves upon shelves of books- and you can borrow them for free! Sadly, where we live now they are so under used. People look at me almost confused when I say I'm going, it no longer seems to be 'the norm' which is sad.

Reflecting on my childhood and considering my future made me realise that things became stagnant for a while. Life seemed to get in the way of what I wanted from life. I suppose this is common, but it made me sad to think about how many people don't follow their dreams. This is what I want to do, what I've always wanted to do. Only I can make it happen so here I am, step one in a very long journey of making things happen.

Am I a writer yet...?